Jason from ‘I Am Queer’ novel
Jason’
David heard the angry words and he dove deeper under the covers of his bed. He still had nightmares and the angry words every night never helped, but then he doubted if either of the two people shouting and slamming doors even knew he still had those nightmares. It wasn’t like they really cared, or so it seemed, except when he screwed up, then boy did they seem to care, which usually meant some more angry words and yelling; only then it wasn’t held back until he had gone to bed, it happened right there on the spot.
Tonight was no different than most of the nights and he felt the pain deep in his young heart as he heard the angry words, not knowing what some of them meant but knowing they weren’t nice words. It really sucked big time for him and yet in some ways, well at least he wasn’t alone out there, but then maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe he could be like his friend Jason and just take off; but then the last time he saw Jason, well he didn’t look so good and that had been just before he had come to live here with his dad and step-mom or whatever it was she was to him. All he knew was that she was his dad’s wife and so he had to listen to her, but it wasn’t like she really paid much attention to him.
For the most part she sort of just ignored him, like he wasn’t even there and his dad’s other kids were about the same. They just seemed to talk all around him and even at dinner it was like, well like he was invisible and didn’t even exist, and sometimes he had to pinch himself, to just see if he really was real and not just in some bad dream. He hated those bad dreams but only his new best friend seemed to understand them, which was kind of neat.
Danny was cool and they were spending a lot of time together, though he didn’t think that Danny’s mom liked the idea too much; but just like his own step mom, she sort of just ignored them both, rarely speaking to him when he was there, but then Danny said she hardly talked to him either, almost like he was invisible. It was that attitude, that same sort of being there but not that kept them together too, and helped make them friends, or so he thought; but lately, well lately it seemed to be more than that.
As the loud voices only grew louder and more angry he started to once more think about Danny, about how different he was from Jason or from himself too; but then he wasn’t sure why but in many ways he kind of felt like he and Danny were really just one person, sort of like only when they were together were they real; and when they weren’t together, they were sort of, well sort of like two halves of something waiting to be put together.
David tried to shut out the loud shrieking voice of his step-mom and he cringed as he heard his father’s own sorrowful voice, desperately trying to make peace and yet as usual failing totally. He knew, too, that he was the source of all the yelling, that every day that she looked at him she was reminded of something called, what was her word, infidelity? Something like that and he really wasn’t sure but he knew it wasn’t a good thing and he did try to look it up once, but she caught him with the dictionary and told him to look under ‘b’ for bastard, that would help.
He knew what that meant and while every time she made a comment like that it hurt deep inside, he also refused to let her get to him and so he would just thank her and leave, just like he had then; but still, he couldn’t understand what it was that had her so angry at him, it wasn’t his fault was it? Danny said that adults were just normally mean, that when they grew up from being kids they got mean because they had to work and stuff and pay for everything. Maybe he was right but still, if they didn’t want to work and buy all that stuff, why did they?
Danny really was pretty smart, though he was getting into trouble all the time at school, but David knew the truth, and so he just kept quiet; but still, he kind of wished Danny would knock off the wise guy stuff, it kind of made him a bit, well, annoying. Mind you he was just as bad if not worse in many ways, he didn’t like his new teachers and they didn’t like him much either, but he had learnt from Jason how to deal with that, and he had quickly managed to teach Danny the tricks too, and for the last little bit both of them had managed to stay out of the principles office, which was cool, it gave them more time to be together and he kind of liked that, sort of like he and Jason used to be.
Digging deeper under the blanket he tried to remember what Jason looked like, but his memory couldn’t dredge up the face even, and he felt sad for that cause Jason had been his bestest friend ever, until he got forced to move. He should have run away, but Jason had stopped him, telling him that it was better to go and have a warm bed to sleep in than to be out having all the adventures that he thought runaways had. Right now he would have gladly traded the warm bed for a chance to be out having adventures with Jason; but then Jason was older than him, much older, and he did seem to know so much more, even though David could read better and write better.
Just thinking of Jason made him feel a bit better, and he got that kind of warm feeling again, plus he got that stiffy that always seemed to happen when he thought about Jason; but lately, well lately he had to admit it just wasn’t the same, it was different, like in some way he was being disloyal to Danny and yet, well they hadn’t done anything like he had with Jason, and that was only a couple of times too, when Jason had been in one of his quiet moods.
His hand slipped down from under his head and he felt the hot flesh between his legs, knowing that what he really wanted to do was to just run off somewhere, just him and Danny and live a life filled with cool things, like ice cream for breakfast and strawberries for lunch, and maybe cake for dinner, hamburgers too with lots of mustard and ketchup but none of the stuff his step-mom kept putting on his plate, things like cauliflower, or something worse, zucchini. He really just wished he could do that, run off; but maybe one day he would have the nerve, and he didn’t think Jason would stop him this time, not after he explained it to him.
The touch of his hand on his pulsing organ made his body tremble and he felt a strange happiness as he saw Danny’s face and as his hand moved up and down the hot pole he grew happy, no longer hearing the harsh words or the angry retorts of the adults. Instead, he was sitting out in the field, leaning up against a tree and there was sunshine all around him, except under the huge tree where he was sitting and right next to him was Danny. He felt himself smile as he thought about Danny, about how he would sometimes just look at him and smile.
He had never had a friend like Danny, except maybe for Jason, but Jason had left, at least for now he had and besides, Danny had something Jason didn’t have and that was the smile, that wonderful warm smile that made him tingle all over each time he saw it. Sure, they didn’t smile that much; well almost not that much, but they did when they were alone together, away from the adults, away from the glare of their angry eyes.
David wasn’t sure about why all the adults he seemed to know seemed to have that look, but they did and it was scary at times, to think that maybe he too might soon have that look; but Danny told him they wouldn’t, that they would be different and somehow, he just believed what Danny said so he was able to push that thought away, to bury it along with all the other bad thoughts that seemed to be always with him.
It wasn’t being him, and he still didn’t understand all that had happened but the only good thing that he knew had happened lately was that he had become friends with Danny. That had made it all seem okay, and he knew Danny felt the same way; but he didn’t really say so, but he could tell, sort of like being able to read his mind at times. At first it had bugged him, but then he felt that Danny could read his mind too, it was like that one time, when he was really feeling hurt from something his step-mom had said, that Danny just turned up and they went down to the pond. He liked going to the pond, it was their special place and the water was so cool too.
They had sat down by the edge and watched the birds come swooping down and take a drink then fly up high into the air. It felt so good to see that, to see them get away and they looked so neat, the way their wings unfolded and the air all around him felt warm and cozy, sort of like being wrapped up in a nice warm blanket, the kind his real mom used to wrap around him at night when he was cold. It was special and he kind of liked the pond because it, too, was special. It was where he had first gone skinny-dipping too, and come to think of it, it was that time too, when he really felt sad.
Danny had simply shown up and they had left early, no one really bothering to even ask where he was going, and Danny had said that his mom was busy with some guy so they had the whole afternoon to go and would he like to go to the pond, which was exactly what he had wanted to do. Off they had gone and they had just sat there, not really talking or anything, and then Danny had asked him if he could swim.
It was funny actually, they had both come to the pond several times but never had they bothered to do anything but sit under the tree and watch the water lapping up at the dirt or the birds flying. They had waded in once, rolling their jeans up to their knees and the water had felt neat, not warm really but comforting, and the feeling of mud between his toes had made him tingle all over; but then he wasn’t all that sure it was because of the mud, and part of him thought it might be because he was with Danny.
The shouting had stopped and he knew that they were still fighting, still arguing, but that they had finally cooled down. In another half hour or so he would most likely hear the bedroom door to his parent’s room close and then he would hear his father’s footsteps as he quietly went down the hallway to check on all of the kids and then he would go downstairs to the den, where he would sleep. He felt kind of sad for his dad, wishing he knew how he could make it easier for him, but he didn’t really understand all that was going on, not even now all this time later.
Thinking about his father, his hand had stopped moving up and down his hard pole, but he held his hand there still, knowing that he would get back to thinking about the pond and about Danny and as that realization came to him, he could feel his cock jerk a little in his hand, as if it didn’t want to wait and he smiled a little at that, wondering if Danny knew just how much he liked him? He had, after all they did seem to know each other’s thoughts; and even though it was scary, it was kind of nice to know someone else was out there who really did care.
The sun had been shining that day and it had been hot, hotter than maybe normal and they had both taken their shirts off, resting under the shade of the huge tree that had tons of branches hanging over the waters edge. He liked sitting there, his back resting up against the tree and Danny would always be right there, his shoulder rubbing against David’s at times. He loved that part and it always made him get that warm itchy feeling between his legs too, but he never said anything about it. Jason had warned him about that several times and he listened to Jason, after all he was older and knew all about this stuff, least he seemed to.
That day Danny had a weird look on his face as they had sat there and he acted real nervous, almost as if he had something bad to say; but he wasn’t about to ask, not that day, simply because he didn’t want any more bad stuff to happen that day, he had had enough with his step-mom and he could still feel her angry words hitting out at him, making him tear up which really bugged him. One thing he had gotten used to was in hiding how he felt, in hiding the tears, but that day she had come close to ruining it all, to making him show her just how much she was hurting him and he didn’t ever want to give her that satisfaction.
After a bit Danny was standing by the water’s edge when he had asked David if he could swim. It seemed normal enough and he didn’t even think too much about it, answering that, yeah, he could swim some. Danny just kept looking at the water and then he turned to stare at David and for a really wild instant, David had this feeling that he wanted to just hug Danny, and it made him look away, because guys didn’t go around hugging each other, least so he had been told. Mind you, Jason had told him that it was okay to be hugged by another guy, it just depended on why; but then Jason never did get around to explaining what he had meant by that, and maybe he didn’t know either, or so David thought.
He heard the soft steps of his father coming down the hallway and he lay really still as he heard the door slowly open a bit and the light cast its eerie glow into the room. David didn’t move and he tried to control his breathing, to make it sound even and normal so his dad wouldn’t come inside further and he counted slowly to himself, wishing that things could be different, wishing that he could just turn around and tell his father that he was sorry, that he wished it would all be different and that maybe then his dad would reach out to him, would gather him up in his arms and hold him and pat his head like he used to when he was with his real mom.
The tears almost ruined it, but he was getting good at hiding them; and so once more he commanded them to stop, and once more he managed to make it happen as the door clicked softly and his father’s footsteps continued down the hallway, his duty done for the night; and David lay there, listening to the sounds of the night knowing that if it had been her, well his door wouldn’t have been opened at all and maybe that was just as well too. He sighed a little as he could hear the footsteps getting softer and he knew that once more his dad was going downstairs to the den, where he would put the radio on softly, and would walk the room for a bit before finally lying down on the sofa and going to sleep.
It had been that way now for some time and maybe one day it would all turn out okay, but he doubted it; and he felt the tears rolling down his cheeks now, no longer needing to hide them as no one would be coming anymore this night and that too made him sad. He felt the pain deeply and he wished with all of his might that he had left, that he hadn’t listened to Jason and stayed; but then slowly, as the pain in his chest eased a little, he felt glad that he had listened to Jason, because if he hadn’t, well he wouldn’t have found Danny and that made all the pain, all the tears worthwhile, least it was how he felt; and he kind of thought Danny felt the same way too, after all they did have the pond.
The pond, oh God, that had been something, and once more his mind left the night’s dark secrets and travelled along the path to that first time, that one shining day when it all changed for him, when finally he was able to actually smile for real, not a fake grin like he usually showed, but a real honest to god smile. He could feel the edges of his mouth curling even now as he felt the sun’s warmth caressing his bare chest, feeling it reaching for him as Danny stood by the water’s edge, his own white chest gleaming a little under the rays of the sun that shone through the thick growth of the tree.
For all that he knew, that day could easily have just been a minute earlier, but inside he knew it was a long time back but still what was a long time? They were both young and there was so much ahead of them, least Jason had always told him that, that no matter how bad things might get now, he had lots of time left to find happiness, to find someone who would make him happy. He just didn’t know that it would turn out to be Danny and that it would take so little time really.
Danny “So, you wanna?”
David “Wanna what?”
Danny “Go for a swim silly.”
David “We didn’t bring any swimming stuff.”
Danny “So, we can uh, you know, go in without anything.”
David “Yeah, and what if someone sees us?”
Danny “No one comes here but us, you chicken?”
David “No, but, what if someone does come and see us?”
Danny “Then we can grab our stuff and run. I don’t know, but I want to go for a swim.”
David “Well go ahead then.”
Danny “My dad said to never go swimming alone in places like this.”
David “Okay, you sure you want to?”
Danny “Uh huh, but if you don’t wanna, we could do it another time, I guess.”
David remembered the look that was on Danny’s face back then, and he sighed as he felt the lump between his legs shift a little. His hand moved down once more, just as he knew it would, and he once more began to gently move his hand up and down his pole, gently squeezing it as his fingers came up to the top and he played with the head of his penis, feeling the warm pre- cum that oozed out from it. He liked the feel of the stuff, it always helped to make him breathe a little faster and he could feel his heart beat a bit faster as his mind saw Danny standing at the water’s edge.
His eyes bulged a little as Danny reached down and put his fingers at the waist band of his pants, at the same time he kicked off his runners and then he bent over, to pull his socks off, one by one and stuff them into one of his runners. Funny, he could see the tuft of hair fall across his friends face, but he could still feel the way his eyes looked at him, still see them as if they were sparkling or something; and he remembered just how special he started to feel that day. It was really awesome the way he had gone from being totally bummed out to feeling like he mattered, like he meant something, and all because of the way Danny was looking at him as he started to undress.
He didn’t understand why, but the lump in his pants grew really hard as he stared at Danny slowly bending over and then standing back upright after he had his socks off. It really felt kind of neat and he could feel that wet stuff coming out of his cock even while he just laid there, sitting up on his elbows so he could watch his friend get ready to go in for a swim. David didn’t even realize just how much it had changed him; and yet as his hand slowly moved up and down his pole, he did know that whatever it was that he and Danny were experiencing, it couldn’t be bad because of how it made him feel. Maybe Danny didn’t feel the same way, but somehow as he thought that, he knew he was wrong. There wasn’t any explanation of why he knew that, but he did, and so his hand moved a bit faster along his hot fleshy pole, the blood making it fuller and thicker as he started to narrow his eyes, the sight of Danny unbuttoning his jeans filling his vision in minute detail.
David could see the fabric of the pants tugging at the copper coloured button still and he felt his tongue licking at his lips as his ears heard the sound of the button coming free from the pants; and then the sound of metal as the zipper got pushed down, not too fast either, almost as if Danny was trying to show off or something, and that made David smile just a bit more. The night of his room seemed to suddenly glow a bit as his spirits rose up as he saw the white fabric of Danny’s underpants start to come into his line of sight, his hand moving a bit faster now.
His breathing came a bit faster and David felt that hitch in his heart beat, the one that always seemed to make him pant a bit, and he could feel tiny beads of sweat dropping down from his forehead as his eyes bulged open a bit wider. He could see it all so clearly, he could almost reach out and touch that perfect white flesh of his only real friend, of Danny, and he could see his face, the way he was staring at him from under his eye lashes and his heart began to beat faster, his pulse now racing forward as his hand moved faster and faster, no longer visible even as a hand, just a whirling blur of flesh moving up and down the hard pulsing pole.
The jeans were pushed down the short-framed body slowly, almost as if Danny was still trying to decide if he wanted to do this; but the look on his face showed him that there was something else on his mind. David wasn’t sure what it was, but he did know that he felt special at that moment, that no one else had ever been given this sight, this personal showing of something that was very private to Danny. He knew, deep in his heart, that something was happening, something that would change his whole young life but he just didn’t know what it was. All he did know was that the pain he had been feeling was running away, was no longer torturing his soul and instead, a deep warmth seemed to be glowing inside of him.
His eyes stayed glued as the pants fell to the dirt, Danny stepping out of them carefully, stumbling just a little and as he did. David rose up a bit, no longer resting on his elbows, almost as if he was ready to leap to catch Danny if he fell forward; but Danny was quick and stepped forward a step or two, regaining his balance and he looked up at David and there was that smile, that wonderful young fresh smile that made David’s heart twist and turn in pure joy.
He may not know the words, or even what they meant according to the dictionary, but he knew how he felt; and to be with Danny was like what heaven had to be like, where his mom had to be, and he hoped she was looking down right now and seeing how happy he was because he really wanted her to know he would be okay; and he knew that as long as Danny was his friend, then things would turn out okay. How he knew it, or even why he felt that way, he couldn’t put into words or even into real thoughts, he just knew that seeing Danny, hearing his voice, always made the pain easier, made the fear less; and now, well now he was actually feeling more than just fear, he was feeling, well sort of like there was a chance, that there was hope.
David’s hand moved even faster and he could feel the heat between his young legs growing hot and steamy. Sweat was trickling down his face and even around his groin the heat was turning his body into a steam bath. His tiny pubic hairs were matted against the soft flesh of his groin as his hand moved even faster now as he saw Danny standing up straight, his young body in shadow with a hint of the sun glowing behind him, almost making him shimmer in the afternoon’s haze under the tree. It was perfect then and was still perfect in his mind’s replay of it all as he lay in the bed, the angry words no longer echoing inside, the harsh grating voices no longer torturing his soul as he watched once more that time unfold before his wide open eyes.
Danny reached down to put his fingers over the white waistband of his jockey shorts. They were typical white underwear; and yet, well somehow to David they looked like a perfect halo. He could see the outline of Danny’s pole inside and he felt himself licking his lips, wondering what he would feel like if Danny took his shorts off. He could feel his own dick, hard inside of his pants, and he felt a bit embarrassed, wondering if that was a bad thing or not, not sure how Danny would react if he saw it; but then, he would see it wouldn’t he, if he did go for that swim. Danny would see it and for a moment he felt panic striking hard into his body; but Danny’s smile, he couldn’t stop ignoring that smile.
Despite the fear that was seizing his heart he lifted up his face, stopped thinking for a second about ‘what if’ and turned his gaze onto Danny’s face. His hands were still at the waistband and only when their eyes stared hard into each other’s did the hands start to move. It was almost as if Danny hadn’t been sure if he should go all the way or not, and only when he stared into David’s face did he make up his mind and his hands pushed down and David started to smile himself.
It was the first time in a ages that he felt the desire to smile, that it was so natural to smile at this point didn’t even register; but the quickening of his heartbeat did, as did the weird new pain that started to race up and down his spine as he watched the y-front shorts sliding down his friend’s body. It was strange to see small little hairs pop up from under, and yet his eyes barely noticed that as they stared hard at the centre of Danny’s groin. He waited, holding his breath as he saw the pink head winking at him, and he sighed deeply, not even realizing that Danny could hear it but he couldn’t help himself.
He had never seen another boy’s body that way, well Jason’s didn’t count; and the image of that slowly appearing organ made his heart race fast and he could feel the ache in his chest as it thundered. For a mere flash of a second he thought it might actually crack his ribs and leap out it was beating so hard, but it didn’t. Instead, he just felt the warmth growing inside of him, no longer a soft fuzzy feeling, but more like he was standing in the middle of a raging inferno, and he was sure he could hear the crackling of wood or maybe it was his bones, but whatever it was, it made a really loud roar inside of his ears as the pink head of Danny’s penis popped free and seemed to stare straight at him.
As the hard penis came out from hiding behind the white cotton of Danny’s shorts, David felt the urge to reach out. He really wanted to touch the hard piece of flesh of his friend but instead he found himself shaking a little as he stood up from the where he laid. His eyes didn’t leave Danny’s groin as he stood up tall and kicked off his own runner’s; and then he, too, bent over to remove his socks, but he couldn’t stop looking as Danny seemed to be waiting. Only the head of his penis showed and he could see the waistband of the briefs holding back the rest and he couldn’t say why, but he was excited and wanted to see much more than what he was staring at now; and somehow, for some reason, he wanted to let Danny see his as well. Embarrassment no longer a consideration, it was like he needed to show it, to let Danny see it and he was hoping that when he did, that Danny would feel as good as the sight of Danny’s was making him feel.
He could see Danny’s hand tremble a little as he stood up and he saw a moment’s flash of fear cross Danny’s face; but he smiled, just knowing that it was what Danny needed to see and he was right, too, as the tremor eased and instead of that flash of fear there was a strange new look in Danny’s eyes. It was kind of neat to see the way his eyes glowed now, almost as if he could see flickering flames coming from inside, which was weird cause in a way it was how he was feeling, like there was this new fire deep inside of his young body and he pushed his pants down to his ankles, twisting them off with his bare feet. As he did he also saw how Danny’s eyes looked, the way they moved up from his feet to just stop when his own crotch came into view.
David felt warm all over but not from the sun or the warm temperature of the afternoon. He couldn’t explain it, and he wished that he could ask Jason about it, but Jason seemed so long ago now, so distant, and he felt a bit sad at that; but then he realized that he had Danny now, and that helped make Jason’s departure bearable. He smiled again as he wondered what it would be like to touch another boy there, and he could feel his own body shake a bit and he wanted to say something but he didn’t know what. He just kept his eyes fixed on Danny’s groin and he licked his lips once more as he stood up straight, his pants off; and he, too, reached down for the pair of jockey shorts around his waist. He felt the wet spot in front as his hand brushed past and he hesitated for a second until his eyes focused on Danny. He saw that same stuff around the very tip of Danny’s cock head and he knew that it was suddenly okay that he had a wet spot, and that it was more than okay that he was feeling hard too.
Strange, but he had spent a lot of time with Jason, even just thinking about him was a normal part of his waking day; but once he had met Danny, it had all started to change and he felt a bit sad at losing Jason; but then he would see Danny’s smile and now, well now he was seeing something else, and deep inside he knew that his thoughts of Jason would vanish almost totally from him, for now anyways, and yet it didn’t feel all that bad, almost as if it was to be expected, and somehow he just knew that Jason would understand.
Danny’s hand pushed the shorts down in one quick burst and before he could stand back up fully David felt a strange grip on his whole body. He didn’t understand it but he had this insane urge to just rush forward, to grab hold of Danny and hold him tightly into his own body but he held back, afraid that Danny would freak; but also, well he thought he, too, would freak because he had never really felt this way before. He liked getting hugs, but it had been a long time since he had felt anyone’s arms around him, only Jason had held him last and that was just before Jason left, just before he had picked up his own plastic bag of stuff and headed to his father’s car to leave his home and come to live with his dad; and until now, he had ached to feel someone’s arms around him, but he held back, fear still holding onto him but deep inside, things seemed to be changing.
His own hands pushed his shorts down now. He didn’t wait too long, feeling that if he did he might just chicken out or worse, Danny might change his mind, but he didn’t and neither did David. His hands shook, too, and he looked up to stare at Danny and he saw the way his eyes were bulging wide open and he looked down a little, to see his own hard cock sticking out from his young body, small little tufts of hair all around it and he felt a bit red in the face as he saw the small drops of stuff oozing out from the tiny slit on the top of his cock. He struggled with the idea of pulling his shorts back up but the fire inside of him was too much, was pulling at him in a way he just didn’t understand; but it felt right, felt like he had to do this, so he let the shorts go down and he nervously stood up, to stand before Danny totally naked, letting his own hard cock stick out and continue to drip before his friend’s face.
They just had stood there for a minute or two, neither one saying a word and all they could hear was each other’s hard gasps for air as they both looked at the other’s body, their eyes moving slightly up and then slightly downwards; but for the most part staying glued to the vision of the other’s hard, blood-filled cocks. Nothing else seemed important for those first few minutes; then together, almost as if they had spoken, they both left the gazing of the other’s groin to stare at the other’s face. David could see a small tear in one corner but it was that smile, once more it was all he could see and he felt his spirits soaring, felt strange really, but it felt good, and that was all he really wanted.
Danny had stared at him and he saw the fear racing past the beautiful coloured eyes of his friend, his own nervousness gone now as he saw the joy his naked body was bringing his friend. He smiled even wider, because he, too, was feeling good; and it didn’t matter why or anything else because David was actually smiling. It looked so damn hot too, the way his nose puckered up just a bit, the way his eyes seemed to actually explode with happiness, it made the fear of taking his clothes off in front of David worth it. Nothing else seemed to matter now, and even all the weird questions that seemed to be flashing through his mind weren’t important, because David was really smiling, and that was important.
He reached out with his hand and David reached out too, his fingertips touching the edge of Danny’s hand and he felt like a bolt of lightning had suddenly burst out of the perfectly blue skies to strike them both. His whole body shook for a mere instant; but in that instant he knew that his life had just changed completely. He looked at Danny, feeling a bit scared, terrified actually, but the smile was still there and he could see the pure pleasure that Danny was feeling; so the fears were banished away from his young mind as he reached out a bit more and held onto Danny’s fingers. He moved in a bit closer and he could smell a whole new scent, something he hadn’t really noticed before but it was sort of like the same smell, the same fragrance that he had sometimes smelt after he and Jason had done things together.
There just wasn’t any going back now, he knew that, but what was it that he was heading for he didn’t quite understand; but whatever it was, he knew that it would be different and would be fun, too. He knew that as they both walked slowly together into the cool water that there would be some stuff they would have to figure out, and he felt a bit scared about it, but then he knew that maybe Jason would come back, would come and explain it all to him so he could figure it out; but then maybe it wouldn’t be Jason, maybe Jason would never come back to him and as he felt the cold water coming up to his groin, cooling the fires down there, he felt a little sad and tears were starting to come to him when Danny squeezed his hand and he turned to stare at him.
Just that simple look, that single squeeze on his hand, and David knew in that very second that he never wanted to let Danny go, that he wanted to always be with him, to have him next to him; and his mind felt strangely happy and deep inside, well deep inside where nothing but pain had lived, there seemed to be a change there too. In that spot that Jason had once held he could feel Danny taking it over; and while he would miss Jason, he knew that Jason could never give him what Danny could; and maybe more than that, could never give him what Danny would.
Love wasn’t something he knew too much about, but he knew that what he felt inside, the warm tickle that seemed to be growing each second of every day, had to be what love was, at least it fit in with what Jason had tried to tell him; and as he finally let go, finally felt able to stop hoping for Jason’s return, he kind of thought that he must be in love with Danny and instead of feeling scared, at that moment, at that short brief interlude in his life, he felt strangely content and happy. So he reached out, pushed at Danny’s body and splashed him, laughing a sort of half-laugh and half-sob and in a flash he and Danny were splashing and giggling like two kids should do on a sunny afternoon.
His hand felt all sticky and he could hear himself panting; but the memory was still there, still fresh in his mind and he felt good, even if they had argued again, even if his dad was once more downstairs pacing the floor in the den. He felt good and he knew that things would eventually change, would eventually get better. He wiped his hand on his still slightly heaving stomach and smiled, wondering how it would feel if it was Danny’s stuff on his stomach instead of his own; and as the thought came to him, he thought that he would ask Danny to let him feel it, to maybe let him rub it on his stomach, and the smile came again. Even amongst all the tears his love for Danny was only growing stronger; and Jason, well David caught a brief glimpse of him now and then and Jason was smiling, that was good too. Jason needed to smile more, he looked so much better when he was smiling and wherever he was, David knew that at least now he was smiling a bit more, feeling a bit better about stuff because just as David had found hope, it seemed that so, too, had Jason.
David rolled over into his covers and with the fading vision of Danny’s laughing face, he slowly drifted off to sleep and as it started back at the pond, his dreams were no longer filled with terror and fear, but instead were filled with visions of him and Danny, of the two of them holding hands or just staring off at the warm ocean water coming onto a soft golden beach somewhere. He could see a large house too at times, where he and Danny now lived and there were other people there, he couldn’t make them out but he saw two large adults and they weren’t like the ones he knew now, instead they seemed happy, laughing and playing as if they were kids themselves and it made him snuggle further into the bed and he sighed, saying a thank you to Jason.
He knew that Jason would no longer come to visit him, but then Jason never really did go far away and as he felt the dream taking hold of him, of that large house with the pool out back and the happy laughing adults, he knew that if he ever did need Jason, he would come back to him, just as he always did when things had gotten bad, but he also knew that as long as he had Danny, Jason would always stay hidden deep down in his soul, the place where he had sprung from, the place where David had retreated for comfort and found it, but now it was filled with something even more precious, it was filled with the love of Danny and he knew he would be safe now, that he would laugh and smile again, he just had to be patient, so yeah, thank you Jason, and with that, David slept.
