Chapter 40

Sharon & Adele

She hesitated as the Taxi pulled up in front of the only house on the block that still had its porch light on. She felt the tingling in her arms as she reached for the door handle, wondering if this was right or if she shouldn’t just stay in the cab and tell the driver to take her back home? Her confusion was eating away at her even as she dug into her purse and paid the man the fare, knowing that she was here and that there was no turning back now, she had crossed the line. But, what would happen?

Everything about this evening had confused her and even angered her as she slowly stood up and closed the door behind her. The house didn’t look any different than her own and yet there was something about it that made her feel sad, even dejected a little as she looked at the plain home. Her heart continued to pound in her chest, as she just stood there, afraid of going forward and yet just as afraid to turn and run home.

Sharon glanced down at the skirt that blew in the small breeze and she felt the wobble in her knees as she reflected on what she was about to do. Could she really do this or would she once more retreat back into her safe world? Ever since the two police officers had come to the home and told her about Robbie, she had this strange premonition that her entire world would soon come crashing down. It was bad enough then, listening to the way Walt would suddenly curse and damn Robbie for his betrayal, and yet each time he did, she would see the pain in his face, hear it in his voice even. It wasn’t so much that he was angry but that he was hurting, and for the life of her she wished she knew what it was that had happened between them.

Her head was bent down staring at the cracks in the sidewalk as she recalled all those years when Walt and the boys were almost inseparable. He had been the father she had always thought he would be, and the way he doted on those boys almost made her jealous at times. The trips to the cabin without her were painful and yet she understood that being men, they needed time together away from the female of the species and when he came home, there was no mistaking his need and his love for her, so why did it always bother her?

Okay she used to complain at the beginning, but that didn’t last long because Walt was right, he and the boys did need their time alone and too, there was no denying that when they returned from those trips he was much more attentive to her needs. They had been married a long time by modern standards and she was still amazed at how much they still were intimate. She had always expected that that would diminish over time, and truthfully it had a little, but it was almost as if they were still newlyweds. So giving him a few weekends alone with her sons was an acceptable price to pay for that, wasn’t it?

Something wasn’t right though, she knew that from when Robbie had left and then to try and kill himself? That was unthinkable for her and yet in the pit of her stomach she had expected something like that to happen. She couldn’t explain it, she tried once to explain it to Marilyn, but words weren’t her best suit, and she never did have the knack for discussing her innermost feelings. She still felt shy talking about things that the other women calmly blurted out during bridge or the occasional luncheon. Maybe she should have participated more but she always found it hard to talk to others. It had even been an effort to talk to the Pastor about things that weren’t even personal. She just kept getting tongue-tied and yet maybe if she had she could understand what had gone on, what had turned her Robbie into one of those?

She was at the three small steps when the golden yellow of a house light shone on her face and Sharon realized that the door had opened. Her eyes blinked a little as she stared at the woman standing in the doorway. She didn’t look all that impressive really, there was flower on her cheek and in her hair and the apron was certainly not new, but there was a glint in the eyes that made her step back a little, the fear welling up inside of her. In a flash she knew that nothing could be kept hidden and she felt the tremble of fear rolling up inside of her as she looked into the eyes. Her heart shuddered a little because she saw something that only made her own spirit ache, because in those eyes she saw a strength that she never even dreamed of having.

“Sharon… yes?”

“Uh, yes, yes that’s right.”

“Good, come, it is chilly out here tonight, come inside.”

“Thank you, uh, I am sorry, this is…”

“What? You worried about the time? Ach, it is just one of those mishuga¹ nights, such a world, makes you wonder doesn’t it?”

“Mis… uh, sorry but…”

“I am sorry, crazy… sometimes when I get flustered, I speak in Yiddish, I forget not the whole world is Jewish.”

Funny but she had forgotten that she was Jewish. She didn’t look any different than any of her friends really; maybe a bit shorter and then too there were the eyes. None of her friends had that look like Adele did, but surely that wasn’t because she was Jewish, was it?

“Yes, well… uh, I really should have called earlier, just that… I am sorry, I really don’t know if I should even be here, my husband will…”

Her heart seemed troubled as she tried to make sense of it. Sharon didn’t look like an idiot or some cruel female, so how could she not know? How could she not understand all that had gone on for such a long time, was she blind, or was she stupid? Looking at her, Adele couldn’t figure it out because all she saw was a frightened, mousy looking woman, a woman who had yet to grieve for her loss and from her own experience she knew that wasn’t a good sign.

“He will what? Be upset? Just like a man, they think they always know what is best but we women, we know the truth, don’t we? Come, let me fix you some tea, or would you prefer coffee? Would you rather have coffee?”

Why was she talking so much? Could this rock be nervous too but that wouldn’t fit would it? How can she talk so much and yet maybe it isn’t that she is talking as she is trying to decide something? Suddenly Sharon felt like she was under some microscope and she felt a prickly type itch on her arms as she walked through the house to stand near the kitchen. She could smell the fresh baking, and she wondered why her own home never smelt like that? What was it about this place that was making her so nervous, so afraid?

“Huh? No, no tea is fine thank you.”

“Good, the kettle is boiled, come, we’ll sit in the kitchen… Joshua! Get the tea stuff out.”

Panic reached for her as she heard Adele calling to ‘him’ and yet why didn’t she expect him to be here? She had no idea what she would say to him but surely he couldn’t be the monster that the news claimed or that her husband seemed to feel? What was it about this place that had her on edge? Of course Robbie’s ‘friend’ would be here, it was his home and that thought brought a tear to her eyes. Why wasn’t Robbie at his home? Why couldn’t he be with her now instead of with these… these strangers?

“He is here? I mean, Robbie, he is back?”

“No, not yet, but they won’t be long I am sure.”

“I shouldn’t stay, maybe I should…”

Abner wouldn’t believe it, but she really wasn’t sure how to react to Sharon or what to say. Sharon looked so frightened and yet was it because she was afraid that they knew about her family or was it something else? Could she really not know about all that went on under her own roof? It was that uncertainty that had her flustered because part of her just wanted to grab her by the shoulders and ask her how could she let all that go on and another part wanted to grab her and hold her close and give her comfort. She had lost one son and almost the other, how much could any person take, never mind a mother?

“Nonsense, you are here so you might as well stay and wait for your boychik… sorry, your son to come back, I am sure he will be pleased.”

She really did want to see him, he was all she had left and yet listening to the way Adele spoke she could feel the tension too. Her body ached as she realized that this woman still had her two boys, and she barely had one left. How could things have changed so fast without her even realizing it? Why had her eldest done what he did and why hadn’t Justin come to her? Why had he left the house to die rather than tell her he was in pain? What had Walt taught him that made him deny his own pain so vehemently that it cost him, and her, his life? Her shoulders sagged as she walked into the kitchen, seeing the tall boy at the counter and the table set out with cream and sugar. She knew this was something she would never see again in her own home and it tore at her insides, making the pain only more intense.

“Will he? I wish I had your faith in that.”

“Oh? Of course he will! Teenagers, what do they know, but when there is tszuris, uh trouble, they may not admit it, but they like their mama around. My Joshua, he is the same.”

“Yes? I suppose… still…”

Adele saw the tears and for the first time in her life she felt helpless as to what to do. There was no automatic reflex to a person in torment and it bothered her. She shouldn’t be judging this lady and yet something was holding her back, forcing her to hold back those reflexes that were her trademark perhaps. She sighed a little as she shook off the thoughts and reached out for Sharon’s arm, guiding her to the chair.

Her mind was wandering, as part of her still couldn’t quite understand why she was even here. Maybe it was an act of desperation or maybe something else, but since when did she care what the reason was? She had always prided herself on being willing to comfort anyone, no matter how she felt about them, and yet something continued to hold her back, to make her hesitant and she could sense that Sharon knew that too.

Adele “Joshua, bring the tea and some cake.”

Joshua “Yes, Mama.”

Sharon “Really I am okay, tea is fine.”

Adele “Nonsense, a little gnash² is always good at times like this”

Sharon “Times like this? I suppose… I still… why? Why didn’t he come to me? Can you tell me that?”

The words came out in a torrent and Adele could see the flowing tears now, rolling unheeded down Sharon’s face. Each word was wracked with pain and agony and it touched Adele’s heart and only made her feel even more worried and concerned as she sat down and took Sharon’s hands into her own. Joshua had come to stand by her side, each hand holding a steaming cup of tea.

Adele “Knowing why isn’t going to help dear…”

Sharon “I have to know, don’t you see? Maybe it is something I did, it has to be, why else wouldn’t he have come to me? Why would he go to a place he knew no one would be? Why?”

She too had wondered that at first but she thought she knew the answer. The only trouble was, should she share it or keep it to herself? It was bad enough that the woman had lost her son, to think it might have been deliberate would be too much; so Adele bit her lip even though her voice inside disapproved.

Adele “I don’t know, maybe he didn’t think it was that bad, maybe he just wanted to be alone to think.”

Sharon “No, no he didn’t do that, he went there knowing. I know it… he didn’t want to come home… why? What did I do? Why?”

At first he thought she had to know about what went on, but the way her face looked, the way her eyes were so questioning he thought maybe she really didn’t know even though everything inside of him told him she had to know, that no one could be that blind, that stupid to what had been going on, and yet… His heart ached for her and he thought he should at least make some effort to comfort her, though he wondered why his own mother seemed so hesitant, so unsure of what to say. That wasn’t like her and it troubled him, wondering if maybe all this was becoming too much for her.

Joshua “Maybe he was just scared.”

Adele “Joshua, hush.”

Sharon “No, no why would he be scared of his own mother? I loved him, just as I loved Robbie.”

It was the way she said ‘had’ that sent a chill running up and down his spine. It was almost as if she no longer did love him, almost in fact as if Robbie too had died and not just Justin. Fear began to creep into his heart more as the words echoed inside, chilling the very marrow of his bones as he struggled to try and control his own nervousness.

Joshua “Loved Robbie? I am sorry, Mama, but… no, I can’t be quiet… there has been…”

Adele “Shtil boychik³”

Joshua “Mama, I am sorry, but…”

Adele “NO, now please….”

It was almost as if she weren’t there, the way those two talked to each other and the harsh language, sounding so pagan, so heathen almost and it made her angry too. How dare they think her Justin would fear her, she was his mother after all. No, as she sat there her heart grew cold as she recalled all that the news people had said in their show and she could tell it had hurt Walter too. The way his eyes had filled with tears each time poor Justin’s name had been mentioned and then to see him, that queer who had obviously been the cause of Robbie’s disgrace, standing there, pretending to be sympathetic. How dare he try to tell her what her son felt, who was he to even know unless there was something to the news? Could there be some conspiracy, some unknown fact to her that was the real cause of her Justy’s death?

Sharon “What are you saying? How dare you! I loved my boys, I didn’t send them away, what kind of trickery is this?”

Adele “He is young, he speaks when he shouldn’t, you are upset, that is natural, but surely…”

SHE KNOWS! That has to be it, Sharon thought, as she stared at Adele and then at Josh. There is something they are hiding, she could sense it and her anger grew as she once more replayed the news report, wondering why indeed had it taken this boy and his brother so long to call the police? Why had they been up there in the first place and more than that, what had they been doing? My God, the thought came to her and she quickly pushed it aside, praying to God for guidance because she didn’t think even they could be so base, so depraved as that and yet…

And yet in her heart she knew that such types existed but she had never had to deal with them, until now. Her anger grew too as she realized that these people had taken her sons from her, that they had done something to Robbie that had spilt over to affect Justin. Her face grew whiter as her anger boiled up and her words were clipped as her outrage began to show.

Sharon “No, how can you? You stole my Robbie from me, and now you say my Justy was scared of me? How DARE You!”

Everything about Sharon seemed at such odds to the voice on the phone only a short while ago, and yet looking at her, there was something hiding, something that she should know but for the life of her she just couldn’t figure it out. Where was Abner when she needed him? Her heart grew frightened, wondering why he hadn’t called yet and worse, what was happening before her eyes. It was as if Sharon had come to condemn her Joshua for being nothing more than who he was and yet it was as if Sharon thought he was something else, that he wasn’t perhaps human? Her own anger was there but she struggled to control it, to keep it buried and that too unsettled her because she knew that it was wrong, and yet still she held back.

Adele “No one stole your Robbie. He is not a child, he made his choices, as we all do, just as you did and just as your boy Justin did… you…”

Sharon “NO! Robbie was tricked into being one of those… those types… he isn’t that way, I am his mother, I know.”

Joshua “No one made him…”

Sharon “STOP IT! Don’t you dare try to make it like Robbie is that way, he is just confused that is all, maybe your parents can accept that, I can’t. Robbie is not one of you, he is my son, my flesh and blood…”

Adele “You are upset, this isn’t the time to discuss such things…”

Sharon “Please, this was a mistake, I shouldn’t have come here… you people, how can you accept that your son is a sinner? How?”

Joshua “We are sinners? US? My God! How can you…”

Adele “Joshua! Enough, please boychik…”

Joshua heard the steel in her voice and yet his anger refused to just go away. His nostrils were flaring as he stared at Robbie’s mother, wondering what kind of person she could be to think that anyone had ‘tricked’ Robbie. My God couldn’t she see it? Was she that blind to all that had gone on around her?

Sharon “I am sorry, but I know that what you and my son do is wrong, that it is against God’s will… maybe being… being…”

Adele “Jewish?”

Sharon “Well yes, maybe to you it doesn’t seem so bad, after all you still deny God…”

Adele “Ach, such foolishness, I will forgive you because you are in pain, but my dear, you really need to start thinking with your kupp⁴ and not your tochus⁵.”

Sharon felt furious at the woman sitting across from her. How could she dare to pretend that it was her that needed forgiveness, it wasn’t her that had a queer for a son or who had used his talents to snare and entrap her innocent son. How dare she and yet looking at Adele, Sharon could feel the power of the woman. Of course, why hadn’t she seen it earlier? They were all in this together, they were all a part of it and she should have known, she should have known. Her face became twisted with anger, not just at Adele for her insulting condescending manner, but at herself too for forgetting that she wasn’t dealing with normal people. She was dealing with a lower form who had yet to become true human beings. They were from the stone age and she should have known that, which only fuelled her own anger.

Sharon “Forgive me? I am sorry… please, I knew this was a mistake, please… call me a taxi, I will wait outside.”

Adele “My dear, you are in pain, we only want to help you, don’t you want to see Robbie?”

Sharon “Of course I do, but not here, not among all of you. I don’t know how, but I know you have him confused, he was a good decent boy until he met your son… I am sorry, maybe you don’t want to see the truth, but…”

Joshua “Truth? You…”

The pain in her heart grew as she struggled to try and keep the peace, to try and remain calm despite the anger and irrational words of her guest. She also had to think of Joshua, and she over rode his obvious objections as his youth took hold and his indignation became more apparent. His words were dripping with sarcasm and yet she couldn’t blame him, still she had to try for some unknown reason to make Sharon face the truth, to deal with what was and not what nonsense she had been fed. Somehow though she knew it was futile but she had to try, if for no other reason than to have a clear conscience.

Adele “Sharon, dear, please, you are hurting right now, I know it is not easy. You have lost one son, don’t lose the other one too. He is your boy, he needs his mother too, can’t you put aside the how’s and why’s for now? Robbie needs you, as a mother…”

Sharon “Don’t, please, don’t try that on me. I am his mother and he knows that I love him, after all I did raise him, along with his father. He also knows I won’t accept his sinning, I won’t let his soul be damned because of your boy or your paganism.”

Adele “Dear, you are distraught, now please, try to contain yourself, you know in your heart that…”

Sharon “Please just call me a taxi, I must leave.”

Adele “This is a mistake Sharon.”

Sharon “No, what was a mistake was for me to come here… I should have known…”

Joshua “The taxi will be here shortly.”

Adele “Joshua?”

Joshua “Mother, there is no sense in trying to change her mind, you know that.”

Sharon “You can’t change my mind, I am a good Christian. My boys were too until you tricked them… the Pastor is right, you are the devil’s children.”

It was like the final straw and her anger finally surfaced as she stared into the blank face of Robbie’s mother. She had tried, God knows she had tried, but this was too much and as much as she would like to make it right, for at least Robbie’s sake, there comes a point when you have to say enough. Her anger mottled her face with red splotches as she spoke and as her son stood by her, the coldness of his hands only adding to her fire as she spoke out at last.

Adele “Enough of this! Mien Gotte woman, are you so blind that you can’t see that all my boy has done is love your boy? Can you not see that your own boys are in such pain that they choose death over life?”

Sharon “How dare you, they loved life until your son came between them, came into their lives, until you practised your witchcraft on them… how dare I? How dare you!”

Adele “Gotte in himmel, such blindness I cannot believe it. My dear, I pray that when you realize the truth, it doesn’t kill you; but we, my sons and my family, have done nothing but accept your son for who he is, not for what we want him to be. Can you not see that?”

Sharon “I see that you have twisted my boy into being one of ‘them’ and worse, somehow you turned my poor sweet Justin too. Forgive me? No, it is you who needs forgiveness, from Jesus because I cannot forgive you for what you have done to my family… you people, you think you are something special, but…”

Adele “Ach I have heard all that before. I have heard all my life, and it was tripe then and is still garbage…”

Sharon “Garbage? Because we choose to believe in the true God and you deny him? No, you have no right to fill my poor boys with such filth… God will punish you for this, he will…”

Joshua “Punish us? After what you have done?”

Adele “Joshua, please boychik, this isn’t the time for this.”

Joshua “Mama, how can you? You heard what Robbie said… how can you defend her?”

Adele “Hush.”

Sharon “I don’t know what you are trying to say, but I will not listen to this anymore. My Robbie was a good boy until you did something to him, you changed him, and it effected Justin… he is dead because of your lies, your tricks… I cannot forgive you for that, maybe Jesus can, but I can’t!”

Adele “My dear, all my son and my family has done is loved your son for who he is, not for what he isn’t.”

Sharon “Love? I can see the kind of twisted love you have. No wonder your son is that way, he never was taught the truth.”

Joshua “Truth? How can you…”

Adele “Joshua! Zur Gornish⁶.”

Sharon “I’ll wait outside, tell Robbie when he comes to his senses we will be waiting…”

“Your taxi is here! it is yellow I am afraid, I don’t think we have an all white taxi in Victoria…”

Adele “Joel!”

Adele was startled by the voice and her face showed her shock as she stared at her youngest boy. He stood in the entranceway to the kitchen, clad in just his boxer shorts but the expression on his face was unmistakable. She had no idea how long he had been standing there but she also realized that at least she had brought them both up right. Neither of them would go quietly, and it made her proud even though an overwhelming sense of sadness was trying to overcome her. She just couldn’t understand the words or actions of Sharon, wondering more and more what it was about her that troubled her so deeply?

Even as the screen door banged against the frame, she wondered if perhaps there were more to Sharon then she had been able to piece together, and yet the desperation in the woman’s voice on the phone, was this that same woman? How could she be so adamant that what Robbie was had anything to do with choice? How could she even think that Joshua had influenced him in that way and yet when she had said it, there was no mistaking the absolute belief, no chance of misinterpreting the signs of complete faith in the words she had spoken. Her heart grew still as the fear came up inside and even the press of Joshua’s hand on hers didn’t ease the waves of fear that came to her as she stared at the door, wondering where Abner was and why wasn’t he home yet, or at least why hadn’t he called?

She stood there for several minutes, afraid to move and afraid not to move and yet even as she stood there the realization began to dawn on her and her heart grew pained and more troubled than it had before. Suddenly Adele knew exactly what her own mother had meant so long ago for she too now had seen it. The sound of the phone ringing finally made her move as she ran to the phone, thinking it was her Abner.

“Abner? Abner, that you? It is…”

She was cut off by the shrill yelling voice on the other end and her heart pounded as the words came in a torrent to her. Her hands shook and she turned a pale white as once more she relived all that she had heard before, a time long since thought forgotten, but then she knew it never really had left, only gone to ground. Her body shook as she slammed the phone down hard, startling her boys who looked at her with a sense of fear that only made her reach deep down inside. She couldn’t let them see her like this as she stood upright, the fear ripping into her but her spirit was back, fighting with all it had. The voice was so young, that was perhaps what troubled her the most as she gathered Joshua and Joel into her arms and hugged them both, letting their warm bodies give her the comfort and strength that she so desperately needed. Her heart cried out for Abner, wishing he were here now, and as she hugged her boys, she relaxed, feeling his presence come to her.

Joel “Mama, who was that?”

Adele “No one boychik, no one.”

The way her whole body had gotten so rigid scared him and he could see the way her chest suddenly heaved as if in a great deal of pain. The fear in her face was something he had never seen before when she had answered the phone, and yet in his own heart he was certain he knew what it was about. His own stomach growled a little as he realized that even now, despite all that had happened, there was still more to come. He grew frightened, wondering if all this was really worth it, knowing that inside that it didn’t matter, this was how it would be and there could be no turning back.

Joshua “Mama… please, who…”

Adele “Just one of those kooks, forget it, now, Joel, what are you doing up?”

Joel “I heard voices, has Papa not called?”

Adele “No he hasn’t, but you should be in bed boychik…”

Joel “I’d rather wait with you and Josh, till Papa comes home.”

Joshua “Maybe I should go to the Shul, Mama? Maybe Papa needs more help, maybe there was more damage than…”

Panic seized her heart for a moment and she felt clammy and frightened and yet inside she knew she had nothing to fear really. The thought of Joshua suddenly leaving though was too much for her and she quickly had to stop that. For now Abner would have to do on his own, she needed her boys with her and she prayed that Robbie could at least help her Abner.

Adele “Hush, he would have called if he needed more help. I think you should stay here, come… we have rolls in the oven still… Joel, you get the milk from the fridge, yes? We will ice the cinnamon rolls I think.”

Joel “Mama… “

Adele “It is okay, you mustn’t let these things upset you, and you Joshua, don’t you be so hot tempered, your Papa wouldn’t have appreciated…”

Joshua “I couldn’t help it, she was so, so infuriating, how could you be so…”

For a mere instant she felt a sense of pride at her two boys but she knew that it was for her and Abner to deal with this. It was her job to protect them from this and somehow she knew, that given time, Joshua would definitely figure it out; and if he could, so too could Joel. Her heart ached because she knew she couldn’t protect them from this but she could delay it at least, and maybe that would be enough. She glanced upwards, wondering if He too felt her pain and if He did, why did He let this continue? Her soul cried a little as it came to know what her own mother had tried to tell her so many years ago and even then she had ignored it, now she was facing it for herself. Could she and Abner survive this or would it tear them both apart?

Adele “Enough, she lost her son, she is farmisht⁷ that is all, it is a terrible thing to lose one’s child, there is no greater pain my boy, let her be for now, she is hurt and scared, yes?”

Joel “But Mama…”

Adele “But nothing, where is the milk? Go… milk.”

Joshua “Mama, how can you…”

Adele “Hush, enough, I am sorry, this is not something for you to worry about. She is in pain Joshua, would you or I be any more sane if it had been Joel and not Justin?”

Joshua “I suppose, still…”

Her face grew taut as once more the shrill ring of the phone rang out only though this time she didn’t rush for the phone. Her heart beat wildly as she slowly walked to the phone, shaking her head at Josh’s sudden offer to get it, afraid that he would hear what she had heard before, hoping though that this time it would be her Abner.

Adele “Hello?”

Abner “Hello? What is it? Adele…”

Adele “Nothing, are you okay? What has taken you so long, are you coming home now?”

Abner “Yes, we will be home shortly… Adele…”

Adele “Just come home Abner, as soon as you can.”

His whole body became chilled at her words and he knew that something had happened. Damn this he thought as he clenched the receiver and as his heart beat faster. He shouldn’t have left her, he should have left it up to the board perhaps to come and deal with this but if he had then for sure one young life would be ruined. So, no, it was best that he had come but at what cost? He had left his own family and for what, to aid some hooligan who had been spoon-fed hatred? Suddenly he felt very weary as he realized that the battle was far from over and that with each small victory would come a heavy price. He felt her pain and worse he felt her fear. It scared him even as he tried to put all of his strength behind his words, desperate to give her the comfort she seemed to need right now.

Abner “Yes, Yes we will be there shortly.”

Adele “Good!”

She hung up the phone knowing that he knew, and at least that was able to give her some small comfort as she no longer had to keep it to herself. She replaced the phone and put a smile on her face as she turned to her boys.

“Your papa will be home soon, come we need to get the rolls ready. They will be hungry and then we can all maybe get some sleep, yes?”

Abner

He had caught the look that the detectives had given him as well as the glare from the Crown lawyer lady. He knew in his heart that they didn’t quite believe his reasons but that didn’t really matter much to him. What worried him was the smirks that he got, hidden for the most part, but he was able to pick up on them after years of seeing them. While they all, with perhaps Margaret Sinclair, were in favour of his stance, none of them really believed it was for the simple reasons he had given. Strange, if he were a Pastor or a Reverend they would believe it, but he wasn’t, he was a Rabbi and so they assumed there was a hidden motive.

Maybe they were right, maybe he was trying to take the pressure off, take the heat off as his son would say but so if he could do the right thing and also help ease some of the tension, would that be so bad? Of course he knew that by not agreeing to charge the boy he was leaving himself open to a serious assault on his job security, but he had faced worse, and maybe things wouldn’t be so bad, after all Miriam had shown up and that had to be good. So if all that were true, why did he feel so apprehensive as he walked down the hallway to the front desk? Why did everything inside feel like it was twisting and turning and then feel like it would all come boiling up? What was nagging at him that he felt desperate, that he felt the need to get back to the Shul and back to home?

As he turned the corner, he could hear the excited babble of voices, a woman’s voice in near hysteria but not a bad way, more of happy shrieks rather than pained one’s. He wondered if that perhaps was the boy’s mother and if he should say anything, but then he decided he just wanted to leave this place, to return to where he knew he was safe.

That thought suddenly irked him, as he realized he was scared, and yet he was in a police station, so how could he be afraid? This wasn’t the 30’s and this certainly wasn’t Germany, so why the fear? it was like some heavy cloud had appeared to weigh down on his shoulders and for a moment or two he felt like an old man, tired and weary of life itself. Strange how he could have those feelings and not know why?

He shrugged off the feeling as he walked out and headed towards the front counter, where he was told he could have the officer on duty arrange for someone to take him back to the Shul. He thought at first that he would perhaps just call a taxi but the detectives had insisted that he just see the officer at the desk. It wasn’t that he couldn’t afford the taxi, but if things went wrong at the board meeting he would need to conserve his resources, so he accepted the instructions and headed down to the front desk.

Turning the corner he saw the source of the commotion and knew he had been right. The boy was wrapped around a woman’s arms and he could tell how happy she was by the way she clutched at him. He could also tell that young Neil was just as happy even though he gave a half hearted attempt to break free, yet not quite. He smiled to himself, wondering what it was about teenagers that they wanted a parents love and attention yet seemed embarrassed by it when it happened? His own boys were just like that but then too, he had never been one to enjoy his own parent’s affection once he too had reached that so called magical age of teenage years. Abner shook his head as he watched Neil and his mother and at the other man standing beside them, his face looking rather amused in a strange way.

Abner stared at the man and suddenly he saw the man’s face turn away from Neil and his mother to look at him. In that second, that very split instant of time, Abner felt a strange dread coming over him as their eyes met. The man’s face grew sombre as his eyes locked with Abner’s and despite the warm room, Abner felt like he was suddenly in a deep freeze. His body ached just like it did when it snowed or when the rain would come and his heart seemed to slow its beat down, afraid to make any noise. His eyes peered ahead, taking the mans measure in stride, and yet deep inside he felt his spirit turn a little, as if it were uncomfortable with what it saw.

Just as Abner’s legs seemed to tremble the man smiled at him, not a warm smile but one that looked, well to be honest looked ominous. He felt the fear rising inside of him as the man’s face held no emotion but the cold stare of the eyes and suddenly Abner’s thoughts turned to his wife and his boys. He felt fear for them in a way he couldn’t explain and even though he knew that fear was also for him, it was the certain knowledge that his whole family was at risk that scared him. The man’s eyebrows arched a little, almost as if he could read Abner’s thoughts and was enjoying his discomfort.

“That was a nice thing you did for the boy, Rabbi.”

The voice startled him a little as he turned to see a young man’s face staring at him. For a moment he didn’t recognize the face or the voice really but it slowly dawned on him as he saw the other man with Neil smirk and turn his attention away from him. He felt the cold deep in his bones and it didn’t ease as his attention turned back to the voice and the man it had come from.

“I am sorry, what was that?”

Even as his eyes searched for the face of the voice, he knew that he had to get home, that he had spent too much time here already and his encounter with the man weighed heavily on his heart. There was no doubt that he was Robbie’s father and he wondered why a man like him would be here for Neil but then he knew the answer to that too. His legs hurt as his eyes found the source of the voice and recognition dawned on him. Would it never end, he thought?

“I said it was a nice thing you did for that young boy, of course I

suppose you really didn’t have much of a choice did you Rabbi?”

“No? No I suppose I didn’t, but not in the way I think you are meaning… you are one of those reporters from tonight’s news, yes?”

“Very good Rabbi, yes I am, I am Jake Mathews.”

“Oh yes, the one who implied there was some conspiracy, you are That one.”

“I only gave voice to what a lot of people are thinking Rabbi… so…”

“I have nothing to say to you Mr. Mathews. I think you will have to look elsewhere for your next gossip report, oh I am sorry, your next news report.”

Jake had watched the unedited version of the interview Gordie had done with this man, and he could see why Gordie had been bested. This old man was nobody’s fool and he thought fast on his feet for an old codger. He was wary of him and yet he felt like he had an advantage, being younger and not quite so tired but already he could feel the old man getting the upper hand. Well, it didn’t really matter did it? There was still the editing room.

“Touché Rabbi… of course that won’t change anything, but for the record, why not tell me why you refused to press charges against Neil Schellenberg?”

“Why should I do that Mr. Mathews? You will only twist it to suit your own version of it, so why bother?”

“Look Rabbi, the news is the news. Justin Fisher was a hot prospect, he had star potential, hell, some say he had NBA all over him. What did you expect, that we wouldn’t mention the things we did?”

“Mr. Mathews, I am too tired to argue with you tonight. What you people did wasn’t reporting news, it was creating doubt where doubts didn’t exist; it was creating hatred, when compassion was needed; it was fostering suspicions, when only sympathy was called for. No, Mr. Mathews, I expected more from you and your peers than what you gave, but then I am an idealist. I believe in doing what is right, not in what sells more advertising. Now excuse me please, I have a wife and family waiting for me.”

“Have it your way Rabbi, but tilting at windmills isn’t very profitable.”

“No? You might be surprised Mr. Mathews at how profitable it is… for one’s soul, I assume you still have one?”

Rabbi Goldberg moved away from the reporter and spoke hurriedly to the officer at the desk who had listened to the entire conversation. He immediately signalled for the Rabbi to step behind the counter and closed the small counter door before the reporter could get any further, and he guided the Rabbi towards the back, where he signalled a female officer to come and take the Rabbi to the Synagogue.

Sergeant Burns returned to the front desk to watch the reporter talking with Walt Fisher as the boy and his mother stood quietly behind and off to one side. He could hear the words being spoken and yet the image of the Rabbi, a small squat man leaving to return home haunted him. He had been so sure that the man would demand Neil’s incarceration and yet it was he who had stood up for the boy, and as much as he was happy for that, he had an uneasy feeling that perhaps in this he had been wrong. Watching the reporter fawning over Walt Fisher and then Neil and his mother, he had a sinking feeling in his stomach.

He turned away from the scene out front and made his way to the dispatch clerk, telling her to have a car cruise by the Jewish cemetery, and to keep a closer eye on it for the rest of the night. Maybe his hunch wasn’t right but something wasn’t sitting well with him and he had enough ups and downs for one night. His instincts were in turmoil as he waited for the car to respond, wondering what kind of world he was living in, when even this quiet peaceful town could have such things happen?

Looking out at the front he watched Walt Fisher leave with Neil and his mother. He saw the way the boy looked up at Walt and the sheer gratitude in the mother’s face told him more than he really wanted to know. He felt his age for the first time as he watched with sadness, knowing that Walt was receiving all the credit for Neil’s release when in fact the very man Neil had attacked was the one solely responsible. He had seen the way Margaret Sinclair had gone after the boy, had pushed the detectives, and yet that man, the one they were all crucifying had stood up to the pressure. He shook his head and then grunted as the patrol car came back, telling him all was quiet at the cemetery. Well at least they hadn’t yet thought of that place, but he made a note to have it watched more closely over the next few nights, especially after tomorrow’s news. Somehow he just knew that the report wouldn’t be favourable to the hunched over man who had just left to go home.

Chapter 39

Neil

He sat in the corner of the room, all hunched up with his legs drawn up under his chin as he wondered what was going to happen to him? Neil felt so alone and scared, almost as he had felt when his real father had left and they had moved here. How could that pain come back when he had tried so hard to erase it from his memory? Didn’t it know that things were different now, that he had Walt to look after him, to teach him things only a true father could teach a son? Why did those feelings keep coming back to him and why was he now thinking of that man, that so called man who had run out on him and his mom?

Tears rolled down his face now as he tried to once more piece together what it was that he had done that had made his dad leave them? He had tried to be a good son, had really tried to do the things his father had wanted, had expected, but he wasn’t all that bright, so it took him longer, but he would have gotten better, if only he had the chance. Maybe if his dad had explained things to him like Walt did, maybe he could have improved faster, done things quicker and better but his dad never took the time to explain it, so how was he supposed to know? At least Walt took the time, at least Walt told him that some people didn’t have the patience needed to properly raise a son, but that it was also the son’s duty to try hard, to work harder if he wasn’t succeeding in pleasing too, and that was something Neil had tried to do, ever since that first time with Walt.

Funny, he hadn’t thought about that time for a long time now, but sitting here all alone in this empty cold room he felt like it was only yesterday that he had stumbled over to the Fisher home, looking for extra money by doing yard work and that was how he first met Walt Fisher and his two sons. God, to think back then at how he must have looked, like some idiot or something but Walt hadn’t laughed at him like others. He had waited patiently for Neil to get out what he had wanted to say and then he had just looked at him, a sort of smile on his face as he just stared.

Neil could remember how nervous he felt and yet there was something about the way Walt smiled at him that sort of helped keep him there. He had wanted to turn and run, he remembered that, but he also remembered how he just knew that if he did run he wouldn’t get far. Something held him back, kept him there and now he felt nothing but grateful for whatever it was that had made him stay. Now at least he knew things, now at least he could hold his head up when with other kids and rarely did he break down and stutter anymore, and all of that was because of Walt Fisher. Well okay, actually it was Robbie who had helped him stop stuttering but he only did that because Walt had made him, so it was Walt who he owed, not Robbie.

Funny, he remembered how he would sit for hours in the backyard of the Fishers, practising his speaking while throwing hoops with Robbie and Justin, and how he was always amazed at how effortless it all seemed to them both. Now Robbie was a fag and Justin was gone, and he felt the loss deep inside. Why did Robbie have to let himself get that way? What was it about that Jew that made Robbie forget who he was and where he came from? He wished he could ask him but he knew that it was too late for that, that Robbie was lost to him just as he was lost to Walt. It was like Walt had said, Robbie had made his bed and he would have to lie in it alone; and yet, well, it didn’t really seem right to him, but Walt knew this stuff, he didn’t.

God he wished he could see Walt now, to ask him what to do, but they didn’t think he could, at least that was what the Sergeant had said, but he was going to try, which was nice of him. He didn’t understand it all. Okay, so he had painted some shit on some stupid brick walls, big deal, it wasn’t like tons of kids did similar shit to bus stops and other buildings, wasn’t like they got held in jail for all this time, so what made it special? He felt a sense of anger growing because he knew that it was because of the Jews, the way they owned everything and ruled everything. Walt had told him about them, how they had conspired to kill Jesus, all so they could rule the world; but things hadn’t always gone their way, so there was still hope or so Walt explained to him and a few of the others.

He knew Walt was a smart man, good father too, but sometimes the stuff he said, it just didn’t feel right inside or make much sense to him. Like if Hitler had been doing the world a favour and the rest of the world agreed with him, why did they go to war against him? Walt said it was cause the Jews controlled the US but hell the Americans didn’t enter the war till 1941, so how could they get Britain and France to wage war? He had tried to ask Walt that once, and he shivered a little as he remembered the look he got, and it still frightened him too. He never did get an answer and there was no way he would ask him again, still it did kind of trouble him. That and how it was taught in school too kind of made it all seem not to be the way Walt said it was; but he should know, hell his own father had been in that war, so he had to know, didn’t he?

Neil shook his head a little and wiped away the few tears that were slowly trickling down his face. He was scared, he knew that, and he had already stuttered a few times when talking to the Sergeant, which only added to his embarrassment and shame. Christ, how did he get himself into this? It wasn’t like they had planned it or at least thought much about it, all he knew was that the television news had said it was fishy, that something wasn’t right about how those two Jew boys had taken so long before calling help for Justin. Maybe if they hadn’t waited so long Justin might not be dead, and that had made him mad, so what if their precious church building got spray painted, they could paint over it but nothing would bring back Justin, and that was what mattered to him and to his friends too. They were just as pissed as he was about that, and besides, the television wouldn’t have said there was something wrong about how those Jews had acted if they didn’t know, cuz if they were wrong they’d get their Asses sued off, especially as it was the Jews. Walt had told him how many lawyers they churned out, so no way could that stuff have been made up; it had to be true and so they had acted. Anyone in their position would have too, so why were the cops making such a big deal of it?

Damn he wished he could at least see his mom or Walt. He knew he had fucked up, it was his fault for getting caught and if he’d only listened to his mom but no, he had to show her, and look at what it got him? Fuck, why didn’t he just do what she had asked and get shorter laces for his runners? If he had, maybe he wouldn’t have tripped over them and got caught, maybe he too would be home now like his buddies were but no, he had to stay in fashion, stay cool and here he was, in jail now and all alone again. Fuck, why did all this shit happen to him?

The sound of the key in the door lock startled him and he lifted his head up and wiped away some more of the tears that had once more started. He was scared but it was time he acted like a man, like Walt had taught him and he couldn’t let the Sergeant see him acting like some 10-year-old brat, after all he was 16 now, well on his way to being a real man, just like Walt had taught him.

His heart almost leapt out from his chest as he saw the Sergeant opening the door and standing behind him was Walt Fisher. He had never felt so happy to see him as he did that second but he quickly controlled himself, not wanting to show Walt his fear or his relief either. He just sat upright now, his feet on the floor as he stared open eyed at his mentor and at the cop. He could see the smile on the cop’s face too, which only helped make him feel better. Maybe Walt was here to scold him a little and then take him home, but whatever the reason he didn’t care because Walt was here, and that was worth it all.

Neil & Walter

Walter saw the redness in Neil’s eyes as the door swung open and he could see the relief on the boy’s face too as he recognized him. Well, that was as it should be he thought as he waited for the Sergeant to finish opening the door so he could enter the tiny room. It really didn’t look all that bad but it was no place for Neil, of that he was certain. It didn’t make sense why the damn lawyers were so intent on making this a big deal, all the kid did was vent his feelings at the people he thought had contributed to his son’s death. He felt that way too and he knew that he would need to address that soon too. There was no way he was going to let some kike’s (derogatory slang term referring to Jews) get away with hurting his Justy, no friggin way, but right now he had to concentrate on Neil and then the funeral. There would be time after that when he could exact his vengeance.

Part of his mind was still trying to cope with that, and the more he thought about how he would get his revenge the calmer he became, and the less horrified he was of the coming days. He still had the funeral to plan and deal with but that would be tomorrow, still he knew it would be well attended, not just as a testament to Justin’s popularity, but to his as well. He was after all well respected in the community and it would only be fitting that many who didn’t know his son would attend. One person he knew who wouldn’t be invited would be Robbie. There was no way he would let him come and degrade the memory of his Justin, no matter what Sharon said or anyone else for that matter. He would have to make that very plain to everyone and he would have to make sure that Robbie knew it. Maybe Pastor Johnson could convey that little message for him. He sure as hell didn’t want to talk to that poor excuse for a man that Robbie had become.

To think of all the countless hours he had spent trying to show him how to be a real man, all those lessons and not one of them took either. It was a shame really, but at least there were other good boys like Neil to help keep his hope alive for the new generation. Still, it was a tough uphill fight and now the idiots wanted to ruin a good young man’s future because he showed his outrage the only way he could. It just didn’t make sense but he’d do what he could, only thing was would young Neil be able to weather the storm without turning on those who befriended him? Would he too become a disappointment like his own flesh ‘n blood?

Looking at Neil’s face, seeing the puffiness around the eyes and all, Walt knew that Neil had been crying. Well, hopefully it hadn’t been in front of anyone, which was how real men handled their grief, alone, and in private. He smiled at the boy, trying to give him courage and reassurances so that the lad wouldn’t embarrass him in front of the desk Sergeant. He needn’t have worried as he saw how quickly Neil gathered himself together, erasing the almost puppy like adoration from his face and becoming still too. Yes, he had taught the boy well he thought, as he entered the small room and waited while Sergeant Burns reached outside the door and brought a small chair inside, placing it at the table.

If only Robbie could be like this boy he thought, maybe then he’d only have lost one son instead of two. He really wished he knew where he had gone wrong, why Robbie had turned on him like he had. It just didn’t make sense. After all he did give Robbie the best he could, he spent time with him, looked after him in every way possible, neglecting nothing and yet here he was, a failure as a man and worse, the one attempt at making amends and he even failed at that. No, there would be no Robbie anymore in his family, not even at Justin’s funeral and he sighed, knowing his wife would protest but he was the head of the household, she would have to understand that he really had no choice in the matter.

His own heart was heavy with the burden as he sat down in the chair, staring over at young Neil, knowing that so far he had at least succeeded with this one. Maybe he could carry on where Robbie couldn’t, where Justin was no longer able. Walt felt the pain inside but like he had taught all of his boys, he kept that to himself as he leaned back in the chair, seeing the adoration and relief in Neil’s face. At least this had so far been a success but he had to be vigilant, knowing that there were many who would criticize and try to weaken his position with Neil. He had to be sure of him, but in his heart he knew that Neil was his, was no less a son than Justin.

Walter “How you holding up boy?”

Neil “Okay, when can I go home?”

Walt “Not for a bit it seems, there are some complications.”

Neil “What kind? I don’t get it, what are they so steamed about? I only did what anyone else would do in my place, can’t you make them see that?”

Walter stared at the young boy, saw the defiance in his face and felt a strange glow of pride deep in his chest. It was almost as if this were the boy he should have had instead of Robbie, but God had not seen fit to give him Neil, at least not in the proper sense. Still, he had directed the boy to come into his circle, so perhaps it was as it should be. He could see the fear in the boy’s face too knowing he would have to give the lad some courage, some backbone to make it beyond the moment. Damn it, why couldn’t those Jews have just stayed out of things, why did they have to be the ones to find Justin and not get him immediate help? What was it about those people that always brought trouble to innocent folk? Must be something in their genes, after all they did kill God’s son too didn’t they?

Walt “Settle down boy, of course you know I will try, but it is not easy. Not everyone understands the truth like you and I do, it isn’t going to be easy… are you prepared for that?”

He looked at Walt Fisher, saw the steel in the eyes and felt a bit better for it. He knew at least that there was someone who would stand by him and if he had to choose, he’d want no one else but Walt to be at his side. He might not win but at least he’d have done the right thing, so he felt a bit easier inside, even though he could feel his pulse racing, knowing it was just nerves.

Neil “I don’t know, I think so…”

Walt “You DON’T KNOW?”

The booming voice almost made him cringe and he leaned back against the cold cement wall, his eyes filled with tears as he heard his mentor’s angry voice filling his head with its demanding question. How could he have been so stupid, of course he knew the right answer but he had forgotten for a second and let his doubts work their way up and break out. He felt the shame as he lowered his head to answer Walt, praying that he could show him that he wasn’t a failure, that he had learned what Walt had wanted him to know.

Neil “I do, it is just, what are they going to do to me? Am I going to jail?”

Walt “You might, if the Jews have their way, you just might.”

Neil “What do they have to do with it?”

Walt “I guess cause it was their so called Church they are making a big stink about it, so the featherheads in charge are trying to appease them, and that makes you the perfect scapegoat for them. It is typical of the world these days, there really isn’t justice anymore, just appeasement for those who deserve no special treatment, but they get it anyways.”

Neil “Can’t you stop them?”

Walt “It isn’t that simple Neil, you know that.”

Neil “Yeah, but… I mean can’t you talk to the lawyer people, they’ll listen to you won’t they?”

Walt “They might, of course they have their own backsides to cover, you know how it is.”

Neil “I guess…”

He could see the dejection in the boy, and he knew too that there was still much for him to do, to help this boy finally become a man. Walt watched as the boy’s eyes couldn’t make contact with his own and he felt the power he held, knowing that it still held sway and he relaxed a little, knowing that for now he was safe. He still needed to know a few things, but he felt much more confidant that Neil would continue to prove to be a favourite of his. God he looked so vulnerable there, and for a mere second Walt wished he could just go over to him and take him into his arms, hold him, and let his head rest on his shoulder, but that wasn’t how men acted, so he pushed aside the random feeling, a bit irritated at its sudden appearance.

Walt “Have you told them who you were with?”

Neil “NO, no, they have asked. They even say that if I tell them I could go; but no, I haven’t said.”

Walt “Well, I can’t tell you what to do there Neil. I only know if it were me in your place, I never could squeal on my friends. Good friends like those are hard to find and sometimes you have to take the heat for them, you know they would for you, but that is me, you have to do what you think is best”

Neil stared over at Walt, wondering what it was he was trying to tell him? Could he really think that he would rat out his friends or was he maybe saying he should tell the cops? It was all too confusing to him but he knew that it was important to give Walt the right answer; only trouble was, what was the right answer that he expected?

Neil “I know, it is just, I know I shouldn’t be, but I am scared, all those stories about Jail and all, I just don’t know.”

Walt “Well for starters, lets not have you in prison just yet. A lot has to happen first and you know that both your Mom and I will do our best to not let that happen.”

Neil “I know… it is just, I don’t know if I can handle jail, and they say I won’t have to, but only if I help them…”

The fear was there, he could smell it as the boy talked and as Neil kept his head lowered, Walt knew that he was simply frightened, that perhaps he hadn’t progressed as much as Walt had hoped, or maybe he just needed a bit of reassurance, so that he could make the right decision? He sighed a little as he placed his hands on the table, folded them together in a sort of triangle and stared straight ahead at Neil.

Walt “If, and I say ‘IF,’ it comes down to that, to doing some time, the Neil I know will be able to handle that, just as he has handled a lot of other tough situations. The only question is, can you be that Neil that I know or will you be the one who first came to me stuttering and wanting to mow my lawn? That is something you are going to have dig deep down inside and answer Neil, which is it going to be?”

For a brief second he wanted to be that boy again, the one who stuttered and didn’t have to always try to live up to some standard by some adult, but he knew that Walt only was trying to help him, that was why he did what he did and even the punishments, well they hurt and all and he still was uncomfortable about the lessons at times, but it was for his own good. Hell, if it weren’t for Walt’s guidance, he wouldn’t be on the basketball team now, he wouldn’t have a girlfriend, and he sure as hell wouldn’t be popular with the other kids, so it really was a no brainer, wasn’t it? Thing was though, he kept hearing this voice rebelling inside, telling him stuff that he quickly pushed aside and tried to forget, but it kept coming back at the strangest times, like now and for a brief moment he felt cheated by Walt, felt even betrayed even though his mind was stunned by that thought. How could he feel that way especially after all Walt had done for him, yet that strange voice inside wouldn’t leave him alone.

His jaw tightened and he could feel the skin on his face grow taut as he struggled against that small whining voice, willing it into silence but even as it grew silent, he knew that it would be back, like a terrible nightmare, he just knew it would return. He felt rather tired too, the strength it seemed to take to turn his back on that voice was becoming more and more each time that it popped up but he had to fight it back, to keep it from ruining his only chance at being normal. Didn’t the stupid voice understand that?

Neil “I won’t let you down, Sir.”

It seemed to have taken Neil some time to answer but Walt knew that it was simply because the boy was scared. He watched way too much television at times, and so his view of prison was not based on reality. Prison was more like a country club these days, the way they coddled the criminals. For Christ’s sake they even got free dental and all the porn magazines they wanted, as long as they had the cash to pay for it. Hell, he even heard some jerk robbed a bank just so he could get his teeth fixed. He had no intention of making off with the money, he just wanted to go to jail to get away from his obnoxious bitch of a wife and her constant greed, and to get his teeth fixed. He shook his head a little knowing that prison would not hurt Neil if it came to that, and he straightened his shoulders though, determined not to let Neil find out just what real prison life was