Night Prowler (13)
Chapter 13
The room was dark and yet he knew he couldn’t turn on the light. It was strange to be here, alone and feeling yet like he was being watched by a thousand pair of eyes. Every sound made him flinch inside as he wondered if his secret was being spread from dorm room to room and beyond. Bailey felt the terror ripping into him with each breathe and each tick of the clock.
Tears rolled down his face as he sat there staring out at the emptiness of the room. He was glad that Andy wasn’t back yet but worse was the feeling that he knew would come over him the instant Andy did come back. He knew he would know, that it would have made its way to him and yet as he sat there, alone he realized there was nothing he could do to stop it.
He had screwed up big time and now it would all come crashing down on him. His one chance at maybe being somebody eventually had ended by his stupidity with Chris. Really he didn’t think it would end up this way but then nothing he did really came out right. Shit it hadn’t taken Andy long to find out he was queer, but that seemed okay and then it didn’t.
His heart ached as he tried to figure it out. Yet even as he tried he knew deep down inside that there was no way out this time. Chris wasn’t Andy and he wouldn’t take pity on him like Andy had or Kip for that matter. God he could screw things up he thought.
Looking around he stared over at Andy’s bed. Christ if only he was here but so what if he was? He’d only tell him what a fool he had been and he would be right. He should have known better, he should have refused the ride and the booze. If only he had then maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did to get Chris so pissed at him. Shit if he hadn’t done what he had maybe he would have still been at the garage instead of pissing Kip off first.
The pain was eating him raw as he struggled to make sense of it all. He knew he had blown it with Kip and just the memory of that hurt more than he had ever felt before. Now with Chris too he was really feeling like crap. Then it hit him as he sat there, the tears suddenly froze on his cheeks as the realization came to him at the enormity of what his stupidity could cause.
Bailey felt the terror take hold as he knew that Chris wouldn’t keep it quiet. He knew that right this very second most of the student body would know he was a faggot and worse, many would wonder about Andy. God how could he have been so stupid?
His body was trembling as the realization of what would happen swirled around in his confused mind. Andy had only been kind to him and now he would be targeted simply because of Baileys stupidity. How could he repay kindness with this shit? He felt like he had betrayed Andy and he knew that any who knew of him going to the garage that Kip would get dragged into this mess to. His mind was in a panic as he struggled with the knowledge of what he had created.
If only it had happened with Andy and not Chris he thought. Maybe then it could be kept quiet but it hadn’t. He knew he couldn’t escape that but he had to try. Maybe he could plead with Chris but no, that wouldn’t work now. It was too late for that. He might have had a chance earlier but not now. Time had slipped past and as his head turned to his night stand he knew there was no longer any other choices left to him.
Perhaps there was another way but deep down he knew there really wasn’t. If not now then later he would eventually be faced with this situation again and he couldn’t go thru all this again. Who would he wind up hurting then, he wondered? Right now if he did nothing at the least it would hurt Andy to some degree, at worse it would hurt not just Andy but Kip too and maybe that other guy, Jesse. All because he couldn’t keep his eyes to himself and there was no guarantee he wouldn’t do it again. He just couldn’t help himself, least not for the rest of his life.
His parents would be devastated too. That came to him as he stared at the night table, knowing there really wasn’t any other choices left to him. If he didn’t take this way out all he could hope for was that the pain he would cause others wouldn’t’ last long. Yet inside he knew that it would so what else could he do? After all this was his doing, not someone else and his parents had always told him to take responsibility for himself. There really wasn’t any other way and the pain seemed to be easing as he slowly accepted that simple fact. It was his mess, his fault so he had to find the way to solve it. Maybe he could keep on fooling some but he couldn’t keep on lying to himself. He was the cause of it all, always had been so really what else could he do?
If he cared for Andy or Kip for that matter then it was up to him to keep them from being hurt by his own stupid desires. Shit by now he should have been able to control them and the fact really was simple. By 18 if he couldn’t keep his eyes and desires to himself what chance would there be for him to keep them hidden down the road? No, there really wasn’t any other choice as he slowly picked up the pen and pad on his nightstand. Least he could make sure that no one else got hurt.
His body was more relaxed now as his mind was made up. At long last he had found the solution to the terror that had plagued him since he was maybe 13 or 14. At long last he no longer feared discovery of his secret simply because it was already being spread around. Of that he had no doubt so as he wrote he felt at peace. Now at last he could rest knowing that he wouldn’t hurt any more of those who had taken the trouble to help him out. No more would he cause Andy to feel frustrated or sorry for him. No more would he make Kip feel angry. Now he could at least keep them from sharing in his shame.
As he looked at what he had written, he felt a strange calmness that made him feel sort of free. It was a strange feeling for Bailey. He realized that in his memory he had never felt this totally at ease before. It was like the weight he had been burdened with was suddenly feather light. A small curling smile came to his face as he stared at the scrawled words on the paper. At least now he could feel comfortable with his actions. Now he didn’t have to worry about hurting anyone as he stood up and walked the few paces to the bed and laid down on it.
His mind was totally absorbed in the new feeling that the sound of knocking didn’t even phase him. He simply ignored it as he let the warm feeling of peace slowly guide his actions. The sound of the door opening didn’t even register as he let his new found freedom caress his tortured soul. It was all he had ever hoped for and dreamed about. The peace, the warmth, it all was exactly as he had imagined and then the sudden harsh glare of light made him turn his head towards the door.
Bailey blinked for a few moments and once more the despair came roaring back to him. His brief flirting with peace was shattered by the figure that stood in the brilliantly lit doorway of his room. He didn’t recognize the figure at first but then as the person moved into the room and stared at him, he knew that his nightmare was once more upon him.
What the fuck…
What? I mean… why are you here?
He felt his heart racing as he stared over at the figure propped up on the bed. He couldn’t believe what he was staring at and yet in the pit of his stomach it was exactly what he would have expected. He knew it and yet seeing it made it seem even more unreal. Fear was tearing at him as he also knew that he was the cause of this, it was his fault.
What are you doing?
Uh… nothing, what is it? I said I was sorry…
Put that… shit man, put that down…
It’s none of your business… just leave me alone, just leave…
Even at this he couldn’t succeed he thought. Fuck why did Chris have to show up now? Why couldn’t he have shown up later when it was all over? Why now?
Chris felt the lump in his throat as he stared at the blank expression that seemed to be Bailey. His heart was in terror as he realized how much he didn’t want Bailey to do this. Something deep down inside of him had warned him, had made him come here. At first he thought it was fear of Bailey outing him, but in his heart he knew Bailey wasn’t that type. It just wasn’t in him to hurt others like it was in him. He was the kind who could always find a way to justify his actions, and so he had come here to do just that, or so he had thought. Truth be told, staring at Bailey right now he knew it was something else that had brought him here.
Bailey… look dude… I mean… uh, look don’t… don’t
Don’t? Why? So you & the rest can laugh at me some more? So you can maybe try to hurt other guys who were just being nice to me?
What are you… dude, put it down… come on, I am not laughing at you, no one is…
Yeah right.
Serious dude… please… look I am sorry, I know I shouldn’t have… but shit man, come on, don’t…
It wasn’t making sense to him. The look on Chris’ face wasn’t what he had expected. There was something in the way his eyes peered at him that made him hesitate. He should have locked the door but now all he wanted was for Chris to leave, to let him do what he still believed was his only way out. Yet, the pleading voice and look troubled him, it made him pause for a second or two as he tried to understand what was happening.
Your sorry? Why? I mean… Look, just leave, okay?
Bailey come on man, I was drunk okay? I am sorry, I told you that, you don’t have to do this… please…
Do this? Yes I do…
NO! No… you don’t, Christ man, this isn’t the way, please, I told you, I am sorry.
I don’t… why are you sorry? I did it all, it was my fault…
No it wasn’t, you didn’t do anything wrong, I did.. it was me, okay? ME! I was… I don’t know, it’s a long story, but please… don’t do this Bailey… please…
You? I don’t… how could it, uh… but… I mean…
Just listen to me, please, just listen, okay?
It had to be a trick of some kind but what? Bailey felt torn between wanting to listen and yet knowing that it was just one more excuse, one more delaying tactic when inside he knew it would have to come to just doing it. Still, the nagging doubts remained and while he had made up his mind, there was still some voices inside that seemed reluctant to shut out Chris’ pleading words.
I don’t… no, you are just saying that… you…
No I mean it… please… just listen, let me…
Why? What does it matter to you? I told you I was sorry, why are you here? Just leave Chris… just leave me alone so I can… so I…
I can’t… don’t you get it? You didn’t do anything wrong, it was me… God why can’t you see that? It was me… not you… I was the one… shit Bailey, please… you can’t do this… please… I am begging…
I don’t… how was it you? I looked, I made the pass…
No you didn’t… least, least not that I saw.
But… why did you? I mean… I don’t…
Please, just put that down first…
No… tell me now, if it wasn’t me… why then… you are just saying all this… trying to trick me…
No… no I am not… look, I did it, it was all me, you didn’t do anything wrong, it is me… please, just put it down, please Bailey.
But… why? Why did you…
This wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening and yet as he stared over at Chris there was something in his face that made him wonder. Could it be that he really was telling Bailey the truth? Why would he do what he did if he hadn’t seen the look? Why had he wanted Bailey to do that stuff if… no it had to be a trick, it was just one more effort on Chris’ part to get him, to fool him.
Chris felt the panic inside and yet even as he realized how serious it was, he also knew that whatever would happen from this point on, he would never be the same. For the first time he realized he would have to give voice to the inner voices and it scared him but not as much as what might happen if he didn’t finally come to terms with it, in the open.
He looked at Bailey and saw the eyes staring at him. Chris could see the doubt in his face and yet he knew that if he wanted Bailey to not do what he was about to, then it would be up to him. There was no one else who he could pass this onto and he was frightened. For the first time he came face to face with the knowledge that he was responsible for something that could be life or death. Whatever happened would be because of him, there was no one to lay the blame off onto, it was squarely on his shoulders.
Because… because I wanted to.
Huh? You are?
NO! No, shit I don’t know, maybe, I don’t know, the booze, the way you looked, other things that happened before.. maybe… please, you have to believe me, it wasn’t your fault, it was me, just me.
Way I looked? How… I mean…
I can’t explain it, shit I don’t know but I guess, the booze, well looking at you, it was like, like someone turned on a light inside, I just wanted… wanted you.
Me? Why me? Before in the bathroom… I mean…
I know, I guess even then I sort of knew how I felt about you… God I can’t believe I am saying this… please… will you put that down now?
I don’t know… I mean…
Just put it down, let me close the door and I’ll… I’ll try to explain, just.. just put it down, okay?
He wasn’t sure if what he had heard was real or not. Bailey was feeling totally confused as he tried to make sense out of it all. It had to be some trick but what? No way could Chris be like him, least not that way but then too, he looked like he meant what he was saying? Maybe waiting to hear more wouldn’t hurt? Not like it really mattered if he did it now or in 10 minutes from now. Andy wouldn’t be back for hours yet, so he had time. No one else would come in, so perhaps he could just listen, wouldn’t do any harm.
Okay…
Thanks…
Chris moved quickly and closed the still opened door. He hoped no one had been listening and a quick glance showed him the hallway was empty. He felt the coldness inside as he moved back into the room and stared over at Bailey. His heart was still beating wildly as he stared at the boy on the bed. God how he could have caused all this he thought as he moved in a bit closer.
It had never really dawned on him how his actions could have such consequences. He had joked around, poked fun at some of the less fortunate students but then he always had Grant to fall back on. He was safe from retaliation because he was Grant’s ally but what did that give him? It hadn’t given him any friends and he knew now how people like Bailey felt.
The emptiness was one thing but it was the loneliness that drove it home to him. Bailey was no different than him, or maybe it was the other way around? He wasn’t any different than Bailey? All those who nodded at him in the corridors, all those who jumped when he spoke only did so out of fear, out of their own need. They did it out of fear, out of necessity, just as he had done all that Grant had demanded simply because Grant was Grant Worthington, heir to a fortune.
Bailey…
Yes?
You really going to… I mean…
Yes.
Why? Because of… of earlier?
I suppose, mostly… but no not just that, guess I just didn’t want you to tell everyone, I didn’t want to go thru that again.
It wasn’t just the words that were making Chris feel on edge but how empty they sounded. It was as if Bailey simply had already died, there just didn’t seem to be any emotion left in him which added to Chris’ fears.
Again?
For just an instant Bailey thought about the other time. The pain of those memories came rushing forward but they found nothing left to tear into. It was really over inside for him and so he just stared at Chris, feeling actually nothing. It was over, or at least would be soon enough.
Yeah… but least this way, what I am wont hurt others.
Others?
Yeah…
Who?
Does it matter?
No, guess not… no, yes it does matter, I mean you talking about me?
No… it wasn’t your fault… I shouldn’t have looked at you that way, I just.. I mean…
In a way he felt absolved and yet deep down he knew it wasn’t true. Maybe Bailey didn’t blame him but he knew he was to blame. It was his fault because he shouldn’t have done it and in the past he would be the one telling him that, but not this time. Something was different and he knew it was how he felt about Bailey.
Fuck, you didn’t look at me, I told you, least if you did I didn’t see it, it isn’t you… it was me…
You? But you.. I mean I don’t get it… you said before that… that…
I know, I was scared…
Scared? What could you be scared of?
Lots of things, but I guess, well… that you would tell.
Tell? I don’t…
I shouldn’t have done what I did… it was just, I don’t know, just that for once I wanted to do what I really wanted, not what everyone expects…
Chris… shit, I don’t get it, you wanted to?
Chris knew it would come to this and yet he didn’t feel the fear or panic that such a thought should or would normally give him. Instead it felt like he was setting himself free and for a brief instant he felt pleased with himself. That in itself was a rather unusual feeling for him that he rather wished he could feel more often.
yes.
You didn’t see me looking at you?
I told you no.
Then…
Yeah…
If Chris hadn’t seen him looking then why had he done that? It was becoming very confusing. As much as he really wanted to believe Chris he couldn’t. Still the hand slowly relaxed its grip as he tried to figure it all out. If Chris hadn’t seen him make a pass at him, then why? Was Chris really saying that he wanted him in that way or was it simply that he had a fight with his latest girlfriend? Maybe that was it, sure made more sense but still then why all this?
Fuck… I mean…
Yeah I know…
No, it isn’t that, well, but you are so popular, you could… I mean…
Have any girl I want?
Well that too…
Briefly he thought that maybe Bailey understood at last but then as he looked at him all he could see was a sort of bewilderment. He couldn’t blame him for that because he himself wasn’t exactly sure of what it was he had been trying to do out on the road. Was he really that far gone?
Yeah maybe, but its not me they want.
I don’t…
It’s the money and the connections, that’s what this place is all about, haven’t you noticed? I mean you really think Grant lets me be around him because he likes me? Or that all he’s offered to do for you is because he likes you?
I thought that… well, that maybe…
Man you are naïve, he is using you to get to your roommate Andy, just as he uses me for his wants and needs. It’s the way it is.
The bitterness in Chris’ voice surprised him. But there was more to it than just that, there was a sort of anger too that Bailey didn’t understand. It was a new world this place but some things never changed it seemed. Chris had seemed nice but then he remembered how his face looked in the bathroom that time, or how his face looked just a few hours earlier. He knew he wasn’t much of a judge of people, still Chris had seemed okay.
The confusion was making him feel uncomfortable. So much of what he was saying was too cryptic for him to grasp and yet inside it was almost as if his soul understood it all. He felt Chris’ anger but there was more to it. In some ways it was as if Chris was simply a twin to him, in his emptiness.
But, you don’t need him… your family..
My family? Shit that is all they want, me to fawn over people like Grant… like Andy… They are no different than everyone else here, it’s about the money, the power, the position. So yeah, they expect me to get close to a shithead like Grant, or whoever comes along that is better, at any cost. That’s how it is done, how mergers are made, how advances become added profits, how reverses become gains.
I see…
Chris didn’t look at Bailey, his mind was elsewhere thinking back to his last conversation with his father and their lawyer. It was all too much he thought and yet it was what he did, and now here he was, seeing just exactly what he did and how it had real effect. It wasn’t about the power or the money now, and he felt the shame welling up deep inside of him, missing the hard look that came over Bailey’s face.
No, I don’t think you do…
Yeah, you are here cause you want to get to Andy thru me, just like you say what Grant…
He glanced up and saw the blank stare. Chris could feel the anger reaching for him and it stunned him for a moment. It wasn’t what he had expected & yet he had to be honest, what else could Bailey think? He never had given him any reason to trust him. Yet it was exactly that trust that he needed and fear held him steady as he cried out.
NO! No it isn’t that way at all…
No? Why should I believe you?
I don’t know, guess because it is the truth.
Yeah right, look I’ve listened okay, so you can go now.
No, no I can’t, you have to believe me, it isn’t about getting to Andy or anything like that.
Then what is it about?
You, it is about you… I want you… not… not to hate me, or…
Fine I don’t hate you, now go.
That isn’t what I mean.
Then tell me! Tell me what you mean, make me understand…
I can’t…
Right, just as I thought… look, just go okay? Leave me alone…
I can’t do that.
Why not? I can’t further your family, I can’t give you any mergers, or power or profits or whatever the fuck it is you want…
I want you.
What?
I want you.
Me? I don’t…
It suddenly hit him what it was that Chris wanted. His eyes grew wide as he stared over at Chris. He saw the way his head was lowered and yet he could tell that Chris was still looking at him. It couldn’t be but as his heart pounded a bit faster, he felt like it just might be.
Everything was confusing. If Chris was telling him the truth then maybe there was hope but what if he wasn’t? What if all Chris wanted was a way to get to Andy? No, he didn’t think he could stand hurting Andy, but if Chris was telling the truth.
Bailey stared down at his lap then over to the night stand. He saw the paper he had left and it all came back to him. The pain from the stares, the hurt that never seemed to go away even long after the taunting boys had gone away. It was all there once more but somehow it seemed different, almost as if something inside had finally woken up.
Staring over at Chris he felt disgust and yet something else too. His mind told him Chris was merely using him, trying to find a way to get to Andy but in his heart he didn’t believe that. He felt the sympathy really, the sameness of someone who felt like him, confused and hurt. He couldn’t begin to understand why people like Chris did what they did but maybe he wasn’t supposed to understand that just as they couldn’t perhaps understand why he was who he was?
I am tired too Bailey, I guess there isn’t any way I can prove what I am saying is true, but it is.
Tired? I don’t..
Of the lies, of trying to be something I am not, of always having to hide what I really think or of having to always weigh what I say or how I say stuff… don’t you get tired of it?
I suppose…
It isn’t just that, I mean, there is no one you can turn to, no one you can trust really and so you are always alone, hiding. You hide to the point where you even try to deceive yourself, telling yourself its just a wild thought or urge when you know, deep down you know it is who you are but you refuse to accept it because then you have to face it, alone. I hate that, being alone.
His resolve was weakening, he could feel the doubts once more coming to him but something inside kept him from ignoring the words that Chris was telling him. He even could understand it a bit and it dawned on him that what he had always felt was exactly what Chris said he felt too. It made him feel a sort of closeness to Chris that he had never experienced with another person. He had always thought that no one else could feel the way he did, yet here was Chris, saying the words that he told himself countless times at night.
I guess, I never really thought of it that way.
You always knew?
No, well yes, sort of. I guess in some ways what happened before… before coming here sort of made me accept it quicker, I don’t know.
But then, I mean all this? Why?
Guess it is like you said, being alone, not being able to trust anyone, never really being sure if they’d turn on you, it gets to be too much. That and well, when you do trust someone they either get hurt for being your friend or they get tired of defending you so they back off, I don’t know, either way it hurts. This way, I guess, well I guess it stops all that hurting.
No, I don’t think so. I know if you do, I’ll never stop feeling like, well… like it was my fault, no matter what you say. So the hurting doesn’t really stop, you just aren’t around to see it, I don’t think that is right, I mean, do you?
I dunno, maybe not, but what else is there? I am tired of hiding, of like you said, so what choice is there?
Maybe we need to stop hiding?
We? As in you and me?
Yes.
You are going to admit… to say you are gay too?
If it means you won’t… won’t use that, yes… I will.
Why?
Maybe it’s because I don’t want to come to this point for myself, or maybe it is just that… well, maybe this way neither of us will be alone anymore… I don’t know, just this doesn’t seem the right way, that’s all.
Grant won’t like it.
Fuck him.
Your family, they’ll have something to say about it, least it seems like…
Yeah but that’s my problem, something I guess I’ll just have to figure out then. It can’t be worse than hiding like this, or coming to this point. What about yours? Will they, uh…
I don’t know, they more or less know but we’ve uh… no I think they would be okay after a bit.
Then can you uh, can you put that away?
I don’t know, what happens after? I mean how do I know you’ll… you’ll…
Stick to what I said?
Yeah.
You don’t, but, I will… I know it doesn’t mean much, but I won’t cut and run on you, and no I can’t say why you should believe me either, I don’t think I can even understand all this myself, except that, well, that I can’t go on like I have, that I have to do this for some reason. Call it a conscience or something or maybe it is just that seeing your face after I… after I tried to… I just have to do this Bailey, I hope you will let me prove it to you.
I don’t know…
Please…
Inside he wanted to believe Chris, his inner voice kept telling him to put aside what his mind was telling him but it wasn’t easy. So much had happened and yet he wanted to believe Chris. He stared over at the boy and he could see the tears trickling down Chris’ face. It felt real to him and he didn’t know why but he somehow knew that for now he wasn’t alone. There really was someone else out there who felt like him, and that maybe, just maybe, they could survive all this.
Bailey looked down at his lap and carefully he lifted up the hand that held the weapon and he turned it around slowly and gently placed it over on the nightstand. His heart was beating loudly as he stared at the cold blue metal that seemed no longer to glisten or beckon him.
His mind was screaming but the cries fell on a deaf ear as he finally let his heart speak to him. Tears rolled down his face as he lifted his chin up to look over at Chris. He felt relieved as he saw the relief cross Chris’ face and the thin smile that then crossed the mouth. He had never really seen a more pleasing sight as Chris stood up and came to sit next to him on the bed.
They just looked at each other, knowing that a lot more was going to happen, that ahead lay a whole new set of headaches but suddenly the emptiness inside each of them had been banished away for the moment. Bailey felt different, less scared even as the sound of the dorm room door being opened registered. He felt Chris reach out and take his hand and turn to look towards the door, his fingers entwined in Bailey’s.
——
He sat in the police cruiser staring out at the street. Every shadow held his gaze until he was satisfied it was just a shadow but then when he would come back to it he would once more peer intently into the darkness, wondering if it had changed or not. His pulse still raced as he sat there, waiting for the Sheriff to summon him inside. His hand still felt for the butt of the gun at his side every few seconds as his mind continued to feed him reasons for backing out.
In his heart he knew the risks he was taking was the right thing to do, but it didn’t lessen their danger any. He could hear all of the arguments for leaving, for refusing to do this. After all he had one night stands many times and even liked a few of them, just as he had liked Kip but it was different.
As much as he was a sexual animal he also felt something different inside. Whether it was the way Kip had thought about him or whether it was the flattery he got from Andy, the bottom line was that with Kip there had been something more than just a physical release. It had reached places inside that Jesse had always thought were out of bounds to him. He never believed that he could have those kind of feelings or have someone else reach those spots and make them more alive than he had ever felt before. Kip had done that and while Andy had come close it wasn’t the same feeling.
The pitch black night only added to his reflective mood. Despite thinking about Kip and Andy he still kept his attention on the lurking dangers around. He knew that Kip’s father was out there, maybe close now and what it would mean if he was forced to confront the man. The guy knew more about killing than Jesse but as Jesse sat in the police car he realized he had the one advantage Kip’s father didn’t have. Jesse cared about Kip as more than just a friend, more than just some trick or one nighter. Perhaps it really was love, but he knew that whatever it was he was willing to do whatever it took to keep Kip from harm, even if it meant his own life.
No one had ever made him feel that way. No one in his past, not his parents or anyone since had touched him in quite that way. Maybe Andy in time but as he sat there, he knew that what he had agreed to with Kip was wrong. As much as Kip had made sense Jesse realized that sometimes you had to go with what didn’t make sense. You simply went with how you felt and being with Kip was right, inside it was right.
Jesse sighed as he knew that Kip wouldn’t want to leave. He knew that he would insist on staying as was his right and as he stared out at the darkness he understood it more and more. Kip loved his family, he was willing to put his life on the line come hell or high water, just as he, Jesse, was willing to take that same risk for Kip.
The more he thought about it the more he knew that he couldn’t just sit here and wait. He knew too that without his help Kip might not be able to do what he needed to do. It wasn’t about being macho either, it was simply fulfilling his obligation as the man of the household. The Sheriff had his duty but that duty was to some stupid laws based on money and not on reality. Kip needed to be with his family, just as he knew he needed to be with Kip.
Jesse opened the car door and stood up, staring off towards the empty end of the street. Nothing moved and yet as he stood there he felt like he wasn’t alone either. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as he softly closed the cruiser’s door and slowly walked towards the Tanner house. He felt like a spot light was holding him in its bright beam even though nothing moved around him. He sighed as he climbed the few steps up onto the porch and the muffled sounds of angry voices came thru the closed door.
The sound of his hand knocking on the door stilled the voices within and a loud voice asked who it was. He knew it was the Sheriff and felt a tremor race up and down his spine as he answered. The gruff face of the Sheriff stared out at him as the light from within shone in his face. He could see the veins in the forehead of the sheriff sticking out and he felt himself smile a little as he knew that it was from Kip arguing.
What do you want? I told you to wait till I signalled you.
I know, but I think I should be here too.
Oh you do do you?
Yes.
For a moment or two Jesse thought the sheriff would slam the door in his face but instead he stepped aside with a scowl across his face. He indicated for Jesse to come in while he took a long slow look outside, checking up and down the street and then softly he closed the door. He sighed as he turned to face Jesse who now stood by Kip and his two sisters. Jesse noticed too that Kip’s mom was ashen faced as she sat in the deep armchair, all colour totally drained from her.
I suppose you are going to tell me too that Kip should stay here as well?
I am.
Really? And just why should I listen to you?
Because you know we are right.
Jesse this isn’t a game, I can’t just…
I know that.
Do you?
Yes, maybe more so now than before but yeah, I know what it means.
Then you know that if Kip stays here the risks go up ten fold.
Maybe, or maybe they lessen too. Look, be honest, which is easier for you to watch over? Us here and Kip at Boone’s or all of us here together?
Well…
And I may be young, but I still need to sleep too, least with both of us here we can take turns staying awake, keeping our eyes open.
Perhaps but it also makes it pretty damn certain that he’ll head for everyone here, which puts everyone here at risk.
Aren’t they already Sheriff? I mean isn’t that why you want me here?
Yes God Damn it, still I don’t have to like it.
I know, but at least with Kip here we stand a better chance of keeping everyone else safe, and maybe more than that Sheriff, we stand a better chance of getting him, one way or the other.
He knew he was going to lose this one and for some reason he didn’t really mind. It was rather heartening to see Jesse taking the position he was taking, and as for Kip well he hadn’t expected anything different. Still he had an obligation to his oath but damn it, sometimes you just had to do what was needed. The rules were good for most things but at times like this they really didn’t help. He knew he’d have shit loads of problems with the town council but screw them, it wasn’t their asses on the line like it was Kip’s family. Keith Tanner was shit he knew that it would only be a matter of time before he came for the girls.
Sheriff Miller turned towards Marilyn Tanner and looked at her. The pain she was in was evident in her face but she still had the defiant look in her eyes which sparkled each time her son spoke. He knew what she would say but he had to ask anyhow.
Marilyn, you okay with this?
Okay with it Dante? No I am not okay with my kids being subjected to this, if you folks had done your job right first time none of this would need doing now. No I am not okay with it but I need my son here, seems he’s about the only one who can do what needs doing.
Now Marilyn this isn’t a case of that, you know that.
I know that man needs to be put six foot under ground Dante, so do you.
Yes.
Then you let the boys here stay and they’ll see that your job is done for you.
Marilyn that isn’t what I am hoping for, you know me better than that.
Do I? Thought so few years back Dante, now I don’t quite know if that is so.
Time hadn’t really changed her he thought. She was still a tough lady when called upon and as he looked down at her he felt proud of her. She was riddled in pain and yet the fire in her voice made him feel like there was nothing she couldn’t accomplish, one way or another. Still it was not easy for him to let go, to know that he was putting her in such danger. If he could he’d stay here himself but he had an entire town to look after. Keith Tanner might be here or might not. He might come looking for them or not, though he was fairly certain that the man was out there, hunting them at this very moment.
I suppose you have cause Marilyn, but I am thinking of them too, its not easy killing another human being, specially if that person is kin.
He ain’t no kin Dante, he lost that right a long time ago. He’s here to kill us, so far as I see it, it is either Kip here gets him or he gets us. I’d rather see it be him is all.
I know Marilyn but it isn’t something I want. I’d much rather it be me, least I can live with that.
So can the boys Dante. They won’t like it anymore than I suppose I will, but I am tired of living in fear of that man. Now that you and your fancy laws can’t seem to even hold him in your prison, I ain’t about to let Kip here show him any kindness. My boy stays here Dante, now and after. This is his home and he belongs here.
Sheriff Dante Miller knew she meant every single word she had spoken. He knew that once this affair with Keith Tanner was finished that he would have one hell of a time getting Kip to live elsewhere. The girls would need him even more so then, assuming he came out of it in one piece.
As much as he wanted to believe that Kip and Jesse could do what he had hoped they could he also was old enough to know it was not easy to kill another human being. They might have good reason but when push came to shove, pulling that trigger wouldn’t be easy for Kip or Jesse. It never was but then life wasn’t easy either.
We’ll talk about after, after.
Talk all you want Dante Miller, if it goes as I pray it does least I won’t have to worry about that man coming back to harm us cause he’ll be in the earth, rotting like he deserves.
In his heart he had known this would be how it would play out. Even when he had carted Keith Tanner away so long ago he had known that eventually it would come down to some show down. He had hoped & prayed that Keith’s ornery self would get him into trouble in prison and so have some unknown party take care of the matter but somehow he just knew it wouldn’t happen. He sighed as he stared at Marilyn and once more was amazed at the strength & courage she showed. No wonder Kip had turned out the way he had. He might be one of those types but he had a better sense of family and of responsibility than many of the more respected god fearing folk in town did.
I know when I am licked folks. Kip you stay here with Jesse and work it out among yourselves. I’ll go talk to Boone so he knows what’s happening.
Thanks Sheriff.
Don’t thank me Kip, this is a hell of a spot you are in, all I can say is I hope I get to your father before you, but I can’t guarantee that.
I know Sheriff.
Yes well, Jesse, last chance.
I am staying and yes, I know it isn’t going to be easy, but, I’ll do what I have to. Count on it.
I am son, I am.
There really wasn’t anything more for him to say or do. The wheels were in motion and however it played out at least this time he felt like he had given the Tanner’s a chance. It was more than what he had given them before and hopefully this time it would end better than before.
He quickly handed over the two cellular phones and made sure both boys had them in easy reach. He also checked their weapons and was pleased to note that they were ready. Dante Miller felt like he was sending his own boys off to war or something and a sense of pride filled him as he left the house.
It was all up to Keith Tanner now he thought as he climbed into the cruiser. Keith Tanner and him, as he sped off, knowing that tonight or the next should see this situation end one way or the other. A silent prayer passed his lips as he saw the street grow distant as he moved on to his regular patrol.
Slowly he counted to five hundred before he gradually shifted his body from its prone position. A thin cruel smile crossed his lips as he stared up the road to where the passing police car had disappeared. Glancing in all directions he waited some more before finally letting himself slink back away from the silent house that held his destiny. He had all the information he needed now to insure his plans would succeed. At last, what he had been waiting for was in easy reach. The boy was there with them all. It would only make it all that much easier he thought as he slowly let his body slink back into the darkness.
——
He still wasn’t exactly sure when he knew it, but as he sat in his car in the parking lot it was definite. The tears rolled down his cheeks unabated as he tried to figure out what it was that he had done or not done that had let him lose this opportunity to have what he had always wanted. It seemed unfair that just as he was starting to see Jesse come around to maybe actually caring for him that this shit would happen. It was almost as if fate had conspired to rob him of this chance to have a real boyfriend.
First time he had laid eyes on Jesse along the road he had felt like this was it, that Jesse was that special person for him. Now that was gone and he couldn’t quite figure out why. He knew it had to do with Kip but what exactly he wasn’t sure. His own heart ached as he recalled the way it had beat when Jesse had slowly entered his body. He could still feel that searing pain as his rectum had stretched wide to accept the hard cock and now that was it, it would be all he would ever have of Jesse. Just that one night and nothing more but the memories of a few hours of hot sex.
On the way to the gas station with Jesse he had listened to his man, slowly feeling the distance growing between them. He had been frightened by the look in Jesse’s face after the Sheriff had left and yet if he was honest with himself he should have known. The way Jesse had acted, the way he hadn’t really been able to look at him in quite the same way as that first time. It should have tipped him off but he guessed he just didn’t want to recognize it.
Andy leaned back into the rich leather of the seat. He felt the back of his head press hard into the headrest and he sighed. The whole night had been unreal to him. First off there was Bailey who it seemed had been taken by Kip and then there was Jesse. The sex that they had shared was something he never thought possible and yet as he sat there, he knew that he had made more of it than maybe it deserved.
Jesse was right when he had told him that it couldn’t work between them. Not because of what might happen with Kip’s dad and stuff but because of who they both were. He didn’t quite buy that but then he wasn’t stupid either. He knew deep down that his money would come between them but at least they’d have had some time together.
Just thinking that way brought a fresh wave of tears to his eyes and made his lungs feel like they were gonna burst. If he really did love Jesse why would he even think that anything would come between them? It wasn’t easy admitting that he had simply fallen for Jesse because of his looks and availability. Damn he had thought he was a bit smarter than that but obviously not.
Then too he had Bailey to worry about. Christ a night that was supposed to be about love sure had turned out to be anything but that. Bailey had obviously blown it but that didn’t surprise Andy. He liked Bailey but the guy was just too nervous and insecure to make it. He wasn’t exactly certain what had happened between Bailey and Kip but on the way back he had made it a point to keep an eye out for him along the way back to the school. If only they hadn’t had to go and get Kip and tell him the change of plans. Maybe then it could have worked out or at least he would have a bit more memories to treasure.
Christ you are an ass he thought to himself. Here he was already mitigating tonight so that it could be neatly sorted and stored. If he really cared about Jesse like he had imagined why the fuck hadn’t he fought for him? Why had he so easily given in to Jesse when he told him that they couldn’t see each other anymore? Hell he had hardly put up much of a fuss, and then too he had acted like a spoilt rich kid too.
He knew it was stupid to have made the money crack, but he was feeling hurt at the time. It wasn’t much of an excuse and he knew in his heart that he would have to find a way to apologize but damn, why did he have to open his mouth like that? All he had done was show Jesse that he was right to dump him. Stupid moron he thought as he stared up at the sky. If there was a way to make an ass out of himself he would find the way and he had.
Andy shook his head as he tried to figure out what he was going to do next. Least Jesse had more sense than him. He had taken the crack about money silently and even though it had hurt him he hadn’t really lashed out either. Thank God for that he thought as he realized just how childish he had been. Here he was thinking he was the sophisticated adult and how he wished Bailey would act more like a man when the truth was, he was as much a kid as Bailey was. Shit he had so much to learn about being in love and maybe more importantly about being a friend.
He knew he shouldn’t have just dumped Bailey off like that but the lure of a whole night in Jesse’s arms had been too much. It was just like his father had told him, you needed to keep your wits about you and not let your dick rule. Christ if the old man could see him now would he be saying ‘I told You So’ and he would be right too. As much as Andy prided himself on being hip, on being just one of the guys he realised now just how wrong he had been. For all the smarts he had in business he was still pretty damn stupid when it came to understanding people. Jesse had showed him that.
The night was growing cold as he tried to think about what he could do, or should do. Part of him still wanted to just shrug it all off and forget about it, yet the real him refused to just let it pass. He had fucked up and needed to make it right and as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he knew that he had to make it right. Not just with Jesse either, but with Bailey. He had to let Bailey know the truth, that in some ways they were very similar. Hell maybe between the two of them they might figure out how to be better but first he’d have to fess up.
As he slowly made his way back towards his dorm room he realized that he would have to come clean and let Bailey know the truth. He couldn’t keep on letting him think he was some saint or something. The way he had helped Bailey really hadn’t been about that, and he felt the guilt inside rising as he came closer to their room. This was certainly turning out to be a vastly different ending to the night than what he had planned. It was earlier too as he had hoped to still be in bed with Jesse but like all of his secret little plans, they just never really worked out right.
Life really sucked he thought as he walked towards his dorm room. It really was confusing to him. He wanted to do the right thing and yet somehow he managed to miss out. Maybe Jesse was right after all, and despite the anger and hurt inside he was slowly starting to understand that he needed to think differently about life and about who he was. He couldn’t keep it always hidden but who did you trust? That was not going to be easy nor was it going to be easy dealing with Bailey either.
Shit, he just realized that he wasn’t even sure Bailey was at the dorm room. Kip had been a bit vague about what exactly happened and even though he had kept an eye out for him he hadn’t really done much to look for him. Well if he wasn’t in the room maybe he should go look for him, but where? Christ how did he get himself into these situation?
Coming up to the door he heard voices inside and suddenly he felt relieved. Least he knew Bailey was back but then, who in the hell was he talking to? It just wasn’t getting any better for him as he opened the door and walked in.
Andy’s jaw fell open as he took in the scene laid out before him. The room was rather dark and yet he could see the two figures on the far side. He didn’t recognize the one at first but he noticed how close the two figures were on the bed. As he slowly put the features of the one sitting upright into a name his astonishment grew into a strange mixture of relief and anger.
As his eyes adjusted to the darkness the glint of light reflecting off metal from the nightstand attracted his attention. His head moved towards the sparkling glitter and he stood there, fear reaching for his heart and he quickly turned to look back at the two figures who peered out at him. His heart was beating wildly as strange thoughts flashed across his mind, none of which made much sense to him. He licked his lips and felt sweat beading up on his trembling lower lip as he stepped further into the room.
What… what’s going on? Bailey?
Andy… nothing.. uh… nothing is… I mean…
Chris turned away from looking at Andy and stared briefly into Bailey’s face. He could see the tears welling up and he could see the chest heave a little from Andy’s sudden appearance. He felt Bailey’s fear too and for a second he thought he could even smell it. His own heart was already pounding as he reached out and took Bailey’s trembling hand into his own and gazed deeply into Bailey’s face.
It’s okay Bailey, let me.
But…
Please.
Will someone tell me what’s going on? I mean, uh, who’s uh.. who’s is that?
Andy had nervously pointed to the glittering blue metal that lay on the nightstand. Yet even as the sight of that thing made him scared he still managed to notice how Chris was holding Bailey’s hand. This night had just gotten a whole lot stranger as he tried to contain the fear that was inside of him.
Uh can we close the door so the whole school doesn’t hear?
His pulse was racing as he turned and closed the dorm room door. He also immediately flicked on the main light switch bathing the room in a golden brilliance that showed him a tear stained Bailey propped up on the bed. That in itself wasn’t exactly unusual but he noticed that Chris seemed just as distraught. That was unusual. Still maybe more poignant was that Chris still held Bailey’s hand tightly in his grasp. It was almost as if he was afraid to let go.
Okay, so what’s going on? You okay Bailey? Is he… did he threaten you?
Who? Chris? No.. no it isn’t that Andy, really, uh…
It’s my fault Taylor… all my fault don’t get steamed at Bailey.
I don’t… okay, will one of you uh tell me what THAT is doing here?
Andy was pointing to the object on the night stand. His finger trembled and he could barely keep his hand steady as he pointed at the weapon. It had stunned him to see it even though he was thoroughly familiar with firearms. Wild thoughts continued to flash thru his mind as he stared at it and then at Chris sitting on the edge of Bailey’s bed. It was odd but Chris seemed to look, well, nicer than normal. The perpetual sneer on his lips was gone.
It’s mine.
Yours? What the fuck are you doing with that?
I… I took it from my dad before coming here.
I don’t…
It’s a long story Taylor, but you don’t have to worry about that, right Bailey?
Chris had turned to look at Bailey and Andy watched as the two boys just looked at each other. He felt like a fly on the wall and felt rather embarrassed really. It was odd to watch the way they both seemed to suddenly be speaking to each other even though no words were voiced.
Yeah, it’s okay now.
What is okay now? Will one of you tell me why that, that thing is here?
I guess you could say it’s my fault Taylor.
Andy, call me Andy, I hate it when people call me by the last name.
Sorry.
Yeah okay, uh your fault? You said that was yours Bailey…
It is.
Then…
Look, Tay.. Andy, how about if you sit down and let me explain it.
Is it loaded?
Yes…
Okay how about I unload it and then you two can tell me why it is sitting there?
Bailey looked at Chris and then over at Andy. He lowered his eyes from Andy’s stare and just nodded his head. He didn’t even look up as Andy walked tenderly over and picked up the gun. He stared at it for a second, feeling its weight as he turned away and unlocked the clip and let it slide out. He then pulled open the chamber and ejected the live round before putting the safety back on and setting the now empty gun down on his own desk, across the room from the other two.
You sure you are okay Bailey?
Yeah, I guess.
Okay, so Chris, what is this all about?
You won’t like it.
Figures, this is the night for that, it seems, never mind… go on.
Chris once more looked over at Bailey and slowly he let his hand go limp as he turned back towards Andy. He felt the sudden movement at his side as Bailey reached out and took back Chris’ hand, holding it tightly. It gave him a strange warmth as he turned back to give a thin smile at Bailey.
Looking over at Andy he noticed how his eyes had taken in the hand holding. Well in for a penny in for a pound he thought as he took a deep breath. Chris didn’t feel all that nervous which rather surprised him as he stared at Andy. He couldn’t quite explain it but there was a calmness inside that he had never felt before.
Guess I should start at the top huh?
That might work.
Yeah, well, for starters guess you should uh, well, you should know that I am queer… gay or whatever you wanna call it, and uh…
Huh? Whoa… you are gay? I’d never have…
Yeah I know, look, this is hard enough, just let me get it out and then you can yell.
Yell? I am not going to yell… just that, well I never thought you… does Waddington know?
His mind suddenly recalled the other night and now he wondered. Did Grant suspect him of being gay? Could that be possible or was it just that Grant was a pig? He felt the fear growing as the notion of Grant knowing about him gave him pause.
Grant? I don’t know, maybe he might, never thought of it, I mean… hell, I never really let… I just…
Look it is okay with me if you are. I mean… well uh…
Let me just get this out, okay? I don’t know if I can do this if you ask me a whole bunch of shit before I… before I get it all out.
Yeah okay, sorry.
Andy saw how Bailey’s hand clasped Chris’ hand and he leaned back in the chair. Whatever else had happened tonight it seemed as if it had effected some change in Bailey. There seemed to be a bit more confidence in him, a sort of strength that had been missing before. The way he looked at Andy for example was different, no longer his gaze had a sort of wishful look to it, which In a strange way made Andy feel sad as well as pleased. Listening to Chris gradually relate the night’s incidence made his heart go cold too but he sat there, listening to the whole story.
His hands had balled up into fists and then relaxed as the story unfolded before him. He looked over at Bailey and noticed how miserable he looked and yet also there was a defiant air about him. It was as if he really had changed and was no longer the weak frightened boy that had stumbled over the suitcase.