Novel - The Secret (29)
Chapter 29
Part 1
Debbie wasn’t sure what she was feeling. It was like she kept flip-flopping from one thought to another as she sat there, unable really to put into words all of the strange thoughts and weird feelings that kept racing through her mind. At first she was angry at Myron for being late, then further upset that he had managed to stop her from attending the service of the writ but now, after watching the tape she was glad he had interceded. If anything this gave her more pause to think that there was something very strange going on with the Fisher family and this whole Robbie/Justin situation. The reports she had didn’t jive with what the one boy had said on camera either and she was hoping that the two police officers had gotten there in time to secure that footage as well.
Everything was just out there; reaching for some conclusion but as of yet she knew it was all like a jigsaw puzzle. The pieces had been thrown out onto the table, now she just had to put them together; but, unlike a jigsaw puzzle, she had no finished picture to work from. What was it that would make one try suicide and the other keep back an injury that eventually claimed his life? Also was there anything to the innuendo that help was denied Justin, or was it merely media hype in an attempt to boost the ratings? Did the station have other facts that they were withholding or were they speculating without regard to the damage they could cause? She was leaning towards the latter and yet, it just didn’t make sense that they would leave themselves that open to legal action.
On top of all that she was also feeling the warmth that just being next to Myron was causing her. She hadn’t felt so alive, or so bloody horny either, for such a long time that she had thought that her days of sex were long over, yet as they had watched the tape together, she had found her mind wandering to thoughts of what he would be like naked and on top of her, strange thoughts while watching a reporter try to out a young boy and yet it was exactly what she was thinking. Either she needed to see a shrink or else she really was falling for Myron, a prospect that she found rather pleasing.
The tape finished and she sat back into the sofa, her head resting against the very back as she contemplated all she had seen. The thoughts about Myron growing harder to set aside as he suddenly appeared much more than just a possibility to her, even as her mind tried to cope with all that had been said in the interview. She had seen the way the Rabbi had spoke but that wasn’t what was preying on her mind now, instead it was what Robbie hadn’t said, by how his own stature had suddenly changed. There was an air of defiance in him that was growing, something that scared her even more because she knew that there was an explosion waiting to happen. Could McGregor be right? Could he be a ticking time bomb because of what he had buried deep inside of his mind or would it come rushing out to finally be dealt with before it ruined more?
She could feel Myron’s eyes on her and she turned her head to see how anxious he looked at her. Somehow she knew it wasn’t about the interview that had him so worried but at how they would manage to handle this case and still keep some sense of companionship between them, to not let the case cause a rift between what she knew was a blossoming bloom of love. Debbie sighed a little as she reached out with her hand, taking Myron’s strong hand into hers.
Debbie “So, the Rabbi is quite the man it seems.”
Myron “He is surprising isn’t he? Debbie… I don’t know if…”
Debbie “Not now Myron, I know what you want to say, least I think I do. It is about us, right?”
Myron “Yes, Debbie please I…”
Debbie “I haven’t felt like this for a long time Myron. It is going to be tough, but I don’t know, I think we can work through it, least I am hoping we can.”
Myron “I’d do anything to not be involved like this, with Robbie I mean, I could perhaps get him a different lawyer, I mean…”
Debbie “Yes, I suppose you could, but do you really want to?”
Myron “No, but if it means I might lose what you and I are starting to feel, if it means ruining that, well…”
Debbie “Yes and maybe at the start it would be sweet, thrilling even, but you’d come to resent me later on, just as I would most likely lose respect for you. No, if we are meant to have more than a casual fling, then we will work through this, so no, I don’t want you to drop the case. Do you want me to transfer the case to another worker?”
Myron “I would if there were anyone in your department who would or who could do a better job. There isn’t, Debbie. I can’t explain it, but it is almost as if, I don’t know, it just is like someone has plucked you and me out of the blue because we need to be involved in this. Kind of crazy I know, but…”
Debbie “No, not really, kind of how I feel too.”
He felt so relieved that she had to laugh at his expression. He hung his head down with a sheepish grin at her laughter, amazed at how sweet and pure it sounded to his aching heart. This case was a ball buster, he could see that; and yet, he felt like for the very first time that he was alive, that there was something about the case that excited him and made him feel special. He also thanked his lucky stars for her, knowing that no one had ever made him feel so relaxed, so confident really and he smiled back at her, taking her hand and caressing it gently.
The look in her eyes was worth every ache and pain he had felt as he had agonized over deciding on showing her the tape. Myron knew too that as much as he wished he could choose, that whichever one he had taken would only make him bitter. Better that he try to follow his heart on this one than the cold logic of his mind, which for some reason didn’t seem to be putting up much of a struggle. Maybe his mother was right, maybe the mind was merely a part given to man to provide alternatives, but wasn’t meant to be the guiding force behind what made a man a man? In some ways he knew that she was one of those emotional types, relying on instincts, on hunches instead of reason and logic but then she had done pretty well. She had married young and loved well, and he couldn’t deny the strength she had.
In some ways he had felt offended by her casual acceptance of things, and yet nothing that happened in the world was ever able to beat her down, make her stop all that she did for others. It was like somehow she had this inside tip that made her shrug off all that the world could throw at her and her kind. He shook his head as he once more stared at Debbie, seeing the twinkle in her eyes that so instantly made him swoon a little. It was almost like he was looking into the younger face of his mother at times and yet not. There was a hidden person waiting for release inside of Debbie Winston and Myron somehow knew that he was the key to unlocking it, he and Robbie Fisher.
At that instant his mind returned from dreams of sweeping Debbie off her feet and he fell to the real world with a thud. He had to focus now on his client and his eyes grew darker as he wondered what his next step should be and then it hit him. He looked over at Debbie and wondered how she would react, but then, as he began to slowly discuss it with her, he saw the way she beamed at him, despite the risk it would mean to perhaps herself.
The more he outlined his plan to her, the more animated they both became as they suddenly realized that perhaps there was indeed a way to best the monsters of the media. Somehow she knew that it would seem strange, but she smiled at his plan, knowing that it would indeed throw off the press and more than that, it would really throw a monkey wrench into CH’s conspiracy theory.
A small pang of regret passed across her face as she finally shooed him out the door, wishing he could stay and perhaps do a bit more than just talk, but she also knew that it was time that they both got to work. Her heart was feeling easier even though she knew that the coming day was going to be a tough one. She would have to stand quietly, using her official department voice to protest the motion that would be filed in the morning, but she also knew it was the standard line and that the court would rule against her, just as it always did in the past. She smiled too knowing that CH would have to report it, that there would be no way for them to bury it either and that would certainly cause many to question tonight’s earlier report. She had helped insure that too by giving Myron the name of a contact who would jump at the chance to air the tape in her VCR, the one she was about to arrange to copy.
Part 2
The Rabbi sat in his chair, peering at Miriam Ginsburg from behind his fingers as she spoke. He never had gotten along with her and he knew that she had actively opposed his hiring by the board but that was water under the bridge so to speak, still it did irk him that she had taken it upon herself to show up here at this time. He was itching to spend time talking to Adele, to try and figure out if they had enough to manage should the board suddenly terminate his contract.
He knew it was a real possibility, the way Sam Ginsburg had practically been crowing when he informed the Rabbi about the emergency meeting of the board. It wasn’t lost on Abner either that the meeting would take place at the Centre rather than at the shul, but then he really didn’t expect that it would become a long drawn out affair. He knew the votes would rest with Sam but he would not go quietly, at least he didn’t think he would.
His impatience with Miriam showed too as even Adele gave him one of her special warning glances, the type he knew better than to argue with so he sat there, listening to them talk about poor Justin and how terrible things appeared. He knew it was simply her way, to beat about the bush and throw a few jabs in and then she would leave so he sat there in silence, wishing she would make her snide remarks and leave so he could talk to Adele about whether to call Morris and see about some financial help or if they could do it on their own.
There were so many things for him to consider, he was feeling rather tired actually and this was not what he needed right now, but out of respect for her and for his own peace with Adele, he had agreed to meet with her, even though his mind was definitely elsewhere. The conversation was becoming tiresome and irksome as he finally leaned back in his chair, a sure sign that he was reaching his level. He could see Adele’s warning glance and he felt irritated with her, for wanting him to remain patient when their whole world was crashing down around them. She knew that this was hopefully to have been their last stop, that he could finish his career out here and retire in the almost year round summer climate that Victoria boasted and all that was about to be shattered, how could she expect him to remain patient with an old woman who had never wanted him here? He shook his head as he grew tired of the whole shtick[1. Yiddish for rigmarole, hoopla,], which made Miriam stop in almost mid sentence.
Miriam “Nu?”
Abner “Nu? Nothing Miriam, I am sorry, it has been a rather long day for me, forgive me.”
Miriam “Yes, so the news has reported.”
Abner “The news? I suppose you could call it that; but I am sorry Miriam, it is better if perhaps I excuse myself, I need to check on the boys.”
Miriam “Stop being a toches-lecker[2. ass kisser, apple polisher, brown noser] Rabbi.”
The way she said it almost made his jaw fall to the floor and brought a heavy chuckle from Adele. He sat there, amazed at the woman’s nerve and then smiled, because she was right, he had been kissing her ass instead of being blunt. It always amazed him at how the women in his religion could bring a man to heel so quickly when it suited their purposes. This time he wondered just what was it that she wanted.
Adele “You’ll have to excuse him Miriam, he’s just a man.”
Miriam “Ach, I know, now if only we women folk ran things, this meshugassism[3. nonsense, craziness] wouldn’t happen.”
Abner “Mien Gotte, I thought you women folk did run things?”
Adele “Now he is trying to be endearing; enough Abner, let Miriam speak.”
Abner “As usual you are right, nu Miriam, what is it I can do for you?”
Miriam smiled as she could see the tension in both of their faces, and she looked down at her lap for a moment, knowing that it was her own moment of truth and for a brief second she wondered if she were doing the right thing, but then as she saw the way the two people in front looked at each other, she knew the answer to that question.
She was just 60 but she had led a hard life, one that had been spent side by side with her own husband who was now gone to a better place, or so she believed. There was just her Sam and his Joy left and that was not all she had hoped for. Her own husband had left her comfortable, had given her the opportunity to be independent and to live in a style she had never really cared about, but if she couldn’t be with her husband, at least she could enjoy some of the other less important things in life.
Miriam “You know, Rabbi, that I was opposed to you being hired…”
Abner “Now Miriam, I am sure you had your reasons, that is your…”
Miriam “Please, let me say this?”
Adele “Hush, Abner.”
Abner “I am sorry, please Miriam…”
Miriam “Thank you, let me see, yes, I didn’t think you were the right man, Rabbi. You see I have lived here now for some time, I know these people, and I just didn’t see you as being the Rabbi they needed.”
Abner “Well I am sorry for that Miriam, but I do what I think is best.”
Miriam “Yes, as I have seen, I guess I came here to apologize for that, to tell you I was wrong.”
He almost dropped the cup of tea he had picked up, an attempt to keep his anger at bay as he fully expected the lecture to come now, the one telling him how he was wrong to interfere, to become involved in this whole matter and her words startled him. It was not what he had expected and as he steadied the cup in his hand, just barely avoiding to spill the tea he saw the wide eyed look of his wife, knowing that she too had been surprised by Miriam Ginsburg’s words.
Abner “That is very nice of you Miriam, but, excuse me for asking, how have I changed your mind?”
She could see that they were both surprised by her confession and she stood up quickly, keeping them in their seats by a quick signal of her hands as she walked over to the mantle place. Her eyes took in the photographs arrayed on the small ledge and she stopped her walking to peer at the one silver framed picture, the one that had a younger Josh and Joel in it. Her eyes grew moist as she saw their faces; saw the deep love they exuded in their faces as she turned around to face the Rabbi and his wife.
Miriam “Before I answer you, Rabbi, will you answer me something?”
Abner “If I can, of course Miriam.”
Miriam “Thank you, tell me Rabbi, why?”
Abner “Why?”
Miriam “Yes, why have you put yourself and your whole family into this?”
He sat back in the chair staring at the older women. He could see the white hair neatly trimmed and propped up and the way she dressed was right out of some fancy magazine, and yet looking at her right now she looked like someone who felt all alone, who felt lost and his heart reached out for her, wondering if perhaps she was suffering the loss of her husband more than he had realized. Thinking about that he suddenly wondered how he or Adele would ever cope without the other and his heart continued to ache as he couldn’t begin to imagine how he would ever survive the pain of such a horrible event.
Looking at her standing there, he realized he had greatly misjudged her and he felt guilty about it, as he saw the glimmer of tears in her eyes, especially the way she would steal a glance towards the picture of his two boys. He realized that as much as Miriam had been comfortably provided for, she still lacked that one single piece that would make her pain less, make her life that much more bearable and he thanked God for giving him not only Adele, but for giving him the greatest of all gifts, of giving him Joshua and Joel.
Her question was a fair one too, but yet was one he wasn’t exactly certain he could answer. His brow was furrowed as he thought about it, feeling like there was so much to say and yet really when you boiled it all down, there wasn’t all that much to say but the truth. Abner stared over at Adele and smiled at her, knowing how much love she had for him, just as he did for her and then he turned his attention back to Miriam, who once more stood closer to the photograph.
Abner “I suppose I could give you a lot of reasons, good one’s too, but what it comes down to is that it was simply the right thing to do Miriam, it was what is expected of us.”
Miriam “Expected of us? By whom?”
Abner “By HIM, who else?”
Miriam “But he isn’t one who takes kindly to, to those types, is he I mean, I know Joshua is your boy, but…”
Abner “But he is gay? Yes he is, and I don’t know if HE does approve or not, no one really can know that answer, but tell me something Miriam, does everything Sam do please you?”
Miriam “Sam? No, I suppose not still, this is different…”
Abner “No, not really, you are Sam’s mother, you may not like all that he does but it doesn’t change that you are his mother, and just as Sam is your son, so too are we all HIS children, how can he not still care for us even if we may do or be something that he isn’t exactly pleased with?”
Miriam “But being a faigelah[4. slang for being homosexual, gay]? How can HE…”
Abner “HE has never said he isn’t happy with boys like Joshua, it isn’t like any of them woke up one day and decided to be gay. It is who they are, how they were born and if we believe that HE created us all in his image, then how can we say that HE objects to who they are?”
Miriam “It all sounds so convoluted Rabbi, the world is not as I used to know it, all this gay talk, it is unnatural.”
Abner “To us it seems to be, but from what I have seen of Joshua and of Robbie, it is natural to them. It is who they are Miriam, for good or bad, and it isn’t my place nor anyone else’s to judge them.”
Miriam “So you did this because Joshua is your son?”
Abner “No, I did all this because I am a father, and because the one who is the Father to us all demands that I do this. That is why I am doing this. It is not easy to be Jewish Miriam, it is an expensive proposition.”
Miriam “You mean money? I don’t see…”
Abner “No, not money, but doing what is right. Being the one who stands up against the bullies, against the ignorance of others, who stands for those who can’t stand for themselves, that is costly. It is not easy which is perhaps why so many ignore that voice inside, why so many have countless excuses to account for why they don’t do what is right, perhaps it is why Jews have spent the centuries as the pariahs of the world, I don’t know. I am just a simple Rabbi, doing what I know in my heart is right, knowing it could cost me everything here; but Miriam, there is one thing it will never cost me, that is the love my Father in Heaven has for me, even if what I believe to be right turns out to be wrong. That is why I must do this, because I am a father too, I can do no less, now can I?”
She turned around and looked at the two boys in the photograph, seeing the eyes sparkling as the sun gleamed down on them, seeing the way they both stood there, their arms over each other’s shoulders and she could see the love they had for each in just how they stood there. It was as he said, it was his kinder, his children and as a father how could he do less? How could anyone do less? The tears welled up in her eyes as she picked up the silver frame, looking to see if there was more to be seen, knowing in her heart that there was so much more to know.
Miriam “Sam is going to try to get you out Rabbi, you know that, don’t you?”
Abner “I do.”
Miriam “Have you a good lawyer?”
Abner “No, Myron has suggested one, but I don’t know if I should, at least not yet.”
Miriam “No, you cannot wait Rabbi, hire him first thing in the morning. You will need him soon enough, least if I know Sam you will, he most likely will be calling a board meeting soon.”
Adele “He already has Miriam, tomorrow night at the Centre.”
Miriam “That soon? Then you definitely have to get yourself a lawyer in the morning, Rabbi. Have him with you, listen to me, these things, I know how they work.”
Abner “I don’t think, I mean I am sure you mean well Miriam, but I won’t take a lawyer to a board meeting, but perhaps having one now is a good idea, Adele and I need to discuss it though.”
Miriam “It is the money? yes?”
Adele “Yes, but we can manage I think, if not we have Morris in Montreal who will help.”
Miriam “Yes, well my husband left me more than I need. It is why I am here really, I have, let me, ah, there it is, here Rabbi, you take this and use it for a lawyer, okay?”
They had watched as she had rummaged in her black handbag and then saw her pull out a cheque. They both stared at each other for a moment as Miriam walked over and handed it over to the Rabbi. He took it and glanced at it and felt overwhelmed as he looked up at her. He couldn’t believe it as she smiled at him, patting him on the hand, and he knew that she was serious, that the cheque in his hands made out to him for $25,000.00 was not a mistake nor a cruel joke. He handed the cheque over to Adele who took one look at it and swore as she too was overcome by the generosity of the women who stood in front of them now.
Adele “Miriam, I… this is, Mien Gotten Himmel, how can you, I mean, oy, Sam is not going to be happy about this Miriam.”
Miriam “Sam is a good son Adele but at times he’s a horses ass, excuse me, Rabbi, but he is.”
Adele “Well aren’t they all at times?”
Abner “I think you two are back on about us poor men folk; tell me, just what did we do to deserve this treatment?”
Miriam “Why you are men, that is enough isn’t it Adele?”
Adele “More than enough.”
He sat there totally amazed at the woman who stood before him and his wife. He could see the tears in her eyes too as it had to be difficult for her, to support someone now when she had so objected to him in the beginning. It was almost like he had felt the moment he had seen Joshua that night, outside the hospital. It was as if a light had suddenly been clicked on and he could finally see into the darkness that was life itself. There was no question in his heart or mind now that what he was doing was indeed right, his faith had brought him to this point and he could tell that it was reaching out, gathering the flock as well. Abner sighed as he stared over at his wife, the tears showing clearly the depths of their emotions as well as the strain that they both had been feeling. At least now they knew they weren’t just alone.
Adele stared back at Abner, seeing him overcome with the generosity of Miriam and she too smiled, knowing in her heart that maybe this time good would win out, but she also knew that it would not be easy but at least now they might have a chance, that perhaps the life they had desired, had tried to find was still possible. Her heart was beating proudly as she looked back to Miriam, seeing her own joy and pain too. It had to be hard for her to come here and to admit that she had been wrong, harder still for her to actively oppose her son too, and that too would be an interesting affair.
Adele “Miriam this is, this is a mitzvah[5. gift, good dead, a blessing], thank you.”
Miriam could see the relief on Adele’s face as she held onto the cheque, the way her hands held it showed how much strain she was under and her heart reached out for the Rabbitzen, knowing that as much as she had wished Sam to have chosen this field, it was perhaps better that he hadn’t. He didn’t have the compassion or the strength of faith that the man and woman across from her had, and in these troubling times, it was that faith that would carry them through. She sighed, wondering if she would ever have such faith but as she looked into Adele’s face, she realized that at least there was hope and she couldn’t ask for more than that. It was the first time since her husband had passed away that she felt alive, felt like there was actually something for her to live for.
Miriam “Adele, I am so sorry for the past, this is no mitzvah, really, but I must say, it feels good to be on the right side for a change.”
Adele “You can call it what you will Miriam, to us it is a mitzvah, thank you, Abner?”
Abner “Yes, yes it is a mitzvah, Miriam it will go a long way to helping, thank you.”
Miriam “Thank you, but it is only money. Adele, we must plan, if Sam is calling a meeting I am sure that Joy will have a sisterhood meeting as well, to show support for the men. We must be there, you and me, we need to find us some others too, to make this not the total show of support Sam hopes it to be.”
Abner “Miriam, you make this sound like a war.”
Miriam “In many ways, Rabbi, it is; you men, you think things are so simple but they aren’t. We know though, don’t we Adele?”
Adele “Yes, Abner, go check on the boys, Miriam and I have some real work to do, come Miriam, some strudel perhaps?”
Abner “Again with the food? I think you women cook simply to put us men at a disadvantage, but I will leave you two to plot and plan, I shall perhaps also do some of that, perhaps I should call our President, Saul, give him something to think on before the meeting.”
The laughter from his wife and Miriam was a bit unnerving as he smiled at them both, a look that made his wife raise her hand to her lips, a curling smile of total love crossing her face as she stared at the man she had married. He looked so handsome when he wanted to, even if everyone else thought him to be plain and rather unfit, to her he was like a Greek God, more adorable and handsome than Apollo himself, but she’d never tell him that. He’d think she had finally lost all her marbles but then again, he did have that certain air about him and as she stared at him getting up, she could see that even Miriam looked at him differently too.
The sound of the doorbell startled them all and she looked at Abner with a sudden glare of panic as her eyes quickly took in the clock, seeing the hour almost half past ten at night. For a moment her thought quickly went to her children, counting in her head that both were home and so it wasn’t them, then her mind quickly went to Robbie and wondered if perhaps it was something about his grandfather but then she knew that would come by a telephone call, so whoever was at the door wouldn’t be bringing news about him. All this flashed through her mind as she shooed Abner to answer the door before it disturbed the children, her anxiety pushed back inside but not forgotten.
Abner could see the sudden panic crossing his wife’s face and as he stood up he reached out for her hand, patting it softly and speaking with his eyes only, he reassured her. His mind too had quickly done the count of his family, knowing that it most likely was one of two people, one a reporter or more likely Myron. He had half expected Myron earlier but had been so wrapped up in insuring that his boys were okay that he had forgotten all about him until now.
Abner “Must be Myron, he said he’d be dropping by after he met with Social Services, something about the newscast I think.”
Miriam “I should go perhaps…”
Adele “Nonsense, the men can talk in the study, come we’ll make tea for them and talk, yes?”
Miriam “I’d like that.”
He watched the two women hustle off to the kitchen, once more reverting to type as they tried to hide their own anxieties by shovelling more food at the men. He shook his head as he quietly walked over to the door, expecting to see Myron standing there instead of who was there.
His face registered his surprise at the tall young man standing by his front door. His face looked worried and troubled and yet the boy couldn’t be more than Joel’s age. Abner had to look up but the boy seemed intent on staring down at the front step, as if he were embarrassed to be here. He had no idea who the boy was, but as he asked him, he could hear the boy’s pain being reflected in his voice as he asked for Joel. He had been right in assuming the boy’s age but as the boy stuttered out who he was, Rabbi Goldberg could only think about what was troubling the young man and what it had to do with his own son.
Part 3
He had walked around town for the most part, his head down and his mind jumbled by all of the weird thoughts that kept intruding on him. He wanted to say something but to whom? Who could he talk to now that his only friend, his only true friend was gone? How could God be so cruel to take Justin from him or was it God? Was it as that news reporter said, was it some sort of conspiracy by Joel to get an edge?
Maybe it sounded crazy but he had seen how the parents were with his classmates, parents like Walter Fisher who demanded nothing but perfection, hell even the Coach was like that, always driving, always pushing for more when there just wasn’t anymore. Bad enough when you had some talent, but when you had to work at it like he did or like others like Joel did, it seemed like there was never any way they could reach that level that was being demanded of them, and yet they did keep trying. Was it that Joel felt he needed an edge? He had heard of stranger things, but Joel?
It just didn’t really make sense to him, but as he walked around, hearing the bustle of the people around him, he couldn’t believe that anyone he knew would do something so cruel, so mean as that news guy hinted at. He doubted though if many on the team would think it out, they all liked Justin as a player, not really understanding him as a person but then shit, they were only 16 so what did you expect? He sighed, knowing that even though he and his friends were only 16 they did understand things more than the adults gave them credit for. He knew how important being good was, it was their future and while they didn’t have the same passion for football or baseball like they did in the states, they did have hockey and basketball, which was the same thing.
The parents were always pushing, schools were always looking for winning seasons and if that meant tolerating some unusual behaviour they did, simply because it could mean winning. Justin had his share of fights, never really getting into trouble because he was Justin, a star. He didn’t think it was right but then he too had gotten his share of free rides too. Christ he got a job this summer simply because he was on the team, others didn’t but he did and there was no way that he was the best of the bunch applying but he had used his position on the team to get that job. So was he really any different than the parents?
Everything seemed to be coming at him from all directions and he didn’t know where to turn. He couldn’t talk to his own parents, wasn’t that they were mean or anything but they wouldn’t understand. Hell parents never understood kids, they had forgotten what it was like or worse had decided that their kids wouldn’t suffer the same when really there just wasn’t anything they could do about that. It was almost as if many parents tried to live their youth all over again, least it was how he thought about it and yet now, now he wasn’t so sure. He missed Justin right now, wishing he could sit back and drink a beer or two and just talk, something they could do without worrying what the other would think or say. That was gone now and as he walked along the street, he knew too that he would never have someone like Justin again, which only made his heart ache all that more.
There was so much to think about, such as was Justin happier now or was death really it? Was that all there was, you lived and then you rotted away in the ground when it was all over or was there really more to it, like the preachers said? He wished he knew because it would maybe make things easier to deal with but no one really knew, least no one he had ever talked to did. His heart was heavy as he continued to walk, the sky darkening as night grew around him but it was not as dark outside as it was deep in his heart, as he struggled to make sense out of everything he had seen and heard.
The light was red and for the first time he looked up, to see where he was. Across the street he saw the bank and he turned to his right to stare at the old brick building. His heart suddenly skipped a beat as he recognized the old heritage building and the Star of David that was emblazoned across it. For a moment he felt a heated anger inside and then suddenly a memory of him and Justin, talking just after he had been made Captain came to him.
Bobby had been nervous about how Justin really felt and he had finally summoned up the nerve to ask him, and he had half expected a tirade from his friend instead of what happened. Justin had looked at him with that look, that sort of smile that would make his whole face look alive and he had told him that he was relieved that he wouldn’t have to be the team captain. Bobby hadn’t understood why and Justin had finally explained it, telling him that being a team Captain meant dealing with everyone, dealing with other guys who screwed up and getting their Asses out of trouble, something he wasn’t good at, seeing as how he much preferred being the one who had screwed up.
It was weird how he had said it, and then had gone on too, telling him that really he didn’t like people much, that they always wanted something from him and he just didn’t want to give it to them. Justin had sounded so sad really, the way he had talked about people, how they were really a disappointment to him, that for the most part they were merely stepping stones to a better position, and it had really made Bobby scared. At first he had thought Justin meant him too but before he could ask, Justin had reached out and touched him lightly on the shoulder, telling him that only he had made him think that maybe there was hope, cause he was about the only one who didn’t seem to want anything from him. It felt good feeling Justin’s hand on his shoulder that way, almost like a brotherly touch too and he knew he had felt all teary eyed too but had hidden it, least he thought he had. Now, well now standing here he wished he hadn’t hidden it, hadn’t shrugged the comment off as casually as he had because it had been special.
Looking at the Jewish church, he could hear Justin speaking to him, telling him how he was a much better choice for Captain because he cared about people, while he, Justin really didn’t give a rat’s ass for most people. It was strange too because Bobby could not only hear him right now, but he could feel the hatred and disappointment in the words too, the way he had said them. His whole body language wasn’t like he normally was, it was sort of deflated really as if he were beaten, exhausted from a major battle and yet they hadn’t even worked out yet.
Staring at the building he wondered if Justin was happy now? Was he still disappointed in people or was he too busy finally being happy? Strange, he never really did think that Justin was ever really happy, except when he seemed to talk about Robbie or about the last game they had played. Funny, on the court Justin was always trying to prove he was a better player than Robbie and yet off the court it was only Robbie who could make him smile. None of his talk about the girls he had or done ever made him smile as much as when he said he had heard from Robbie or was relating a story about him and Robbie.
The light had changed and changed again as he stood there, thinking about Justin and that conversation, a talk that he had secretly enjoyed because it was one of the few times he had seen Justin speak from his heart, no wisecracks, no smart ass comments. He felt proud that Justin could talk to him like that and tears welled up in his eyes because he knew that he would never know that special feeling ever again. He hated death and for a brief moment his face became filled with rage and anger and his eyes grew red and full with hatred as he stared at the building, his hands balled up into fists as he looked at the red bricks, seeing Justin’s face and he stared for something, anything really to help him show his anger, show his hatred; but as he looked, he felt the torment turning inside, as once more he heard Justin’s voice as he talked about why Bobby was better for Team Captain.
His anger simmered inside as he stared through a wall of tears at the Jewish church, wishing it would fall down and that all those who worshipped there would pay the price for him losing Justin. He knew in his heart his thoughts were wrong, but he couldn’t get past the words that somehow Joel and his brother had caused Justin’s death. He couldn’t seem to get beyond it and yet the voices inside continued to rise up, continued to refresh his memories as he saw the solemn look on Justin’s face as he had spoke, the look of defeat in his eyes, something he never had seen before in his friends face.
Once more he heard Justin’s admission that while he knew he was the better player, that he had more natural talent than Robbie, that Robbie was the better person because he still cared about people, which was why he was popular, not just because he was a star player but because he cared, because he was team captain material and that was something Justin admitted to knowing he wasn’t. Bobby had tried to tell him different but Justin had gotten that look on his face, the one that said he knew and Bobby had surrendered the point.
Maybe it was also how he had described him, how he had told Bobby to his face how he was envious of him, of his ability to think things through and not over react, how he would always look for the good in something rather than just write a person off which was something Justin said he did in a flash. Strange as he stood there how the anger inside of him subsided as he heard his friend’s words, telling him that he was envious of him, when Bobby knew that he himself would give anything to be in Justin Fisher’s shoes. He had told him that too and it was that look that now came to his eyes, that scary frightening look that had made Bobby tremble even then.
Justin had looked at him with that stare, that blank wall that showed steel before him but it was different, it wasn’t a game face like Justin used to refer to it, but something else, something more frightening even and the way he had simply said ‘no you don’t’ had given him a chill inside. He could feel that chill now as he recalled the moment and then too he saw Justin’s father, his face now loomed up before him and suddenly he felt very scared, very frightened.
Looking once more at the Jewish church, he realized that many of his fellow team-mates would take the word of the reporters that they would blame Joel for Justin’s loss even though they had no idea what had gone on. He knew in that instant that it was up to him to do something, what he wasn’t sure as he turned and headed towards the bus stop, knowing that as late as it was, he had to talk to the one person who could maybe tell him, could maybe help him make sense of all of this.
It was strange for him to be standing here, towering over the older man who had answered the door. He could feel the skipping of his heart as he tried to find his voice, knowing that he was maybe acting foolish but he couldn’t help it, he just had to come here and find out for himself, before things got out of hand. It had taken him a few minutes to figure out where the house was from the telephone directory and how to get there, but here he was and for the first few minutes, he had stood outside the yard, staring at the plain looking house.
He had seen the basketball hoop on the garage down the driveway, no different than his own house even and he wondered how many times Joel used it? Bobby had shaken his head as he stared up the long sidewalk towards the front door, seeing the pale glow of light coming from behind the drawn curtains of the huge living room windows and he fought with himself, trying to decide if he were on a fool’s errand or if he should simply go up and ring the bell.
Ringing the bell had won out, just barely, as he felt like he was hyperventilating, breathing so hard he felt dizzy even and he stared down at his big feet, wondering if maybe he was being an idiot, coming here like this. It would only get him into trouble but the way Justin had spoken that time, the way he had looked only made him concentrate more on regaining his breathing, on doing what he had made up his mind to do.
The man who answered the door looked more like a grandfather than a father and it startled him a little, wondering if maybe he had the wrong house but then as he glanced at the man’s face, he saw the look in his face, the same sort of look he had seen in Joel’s face a few times at practise, and he knew that he was at the right place. His heart ached as he struggled for words, asking if this was Joel’s house, explaining he was a school friend and would it be possible for him to talk to Joel?
At first he thought the man might refuse, but the man’s face suddenly crinkled up in a warm smile, motioning for Bobby to come into the house and at the same time calling for Joel. He stepped in and the warmth seemed to reach out and wrap itself around him, his fear suddenly put aside as he smelled the scent of a home, of a place where people lived and not just existed. He couldn’t explain it but it was something he would notice at his place and at some others but it was something he had never associated with the Fisher home, and he had been there more than anywhere else, more it seemed than his own home at times.
The sound of a woman’s voice echoed asking who it was, the man explaining it was a friend of Joel’s and a head popped out from what had to be the kitchen. She looked no different than the man except her smile was even wider and more pleasant. She seemed to be beaming as she too hollered down the hallway for Joel to come out, then holding her hands against her well-worn apron, she told her husband to let the boy in, and in the same breath asking him if he was hungry, if he’d like a little something. He felt overwhelmed as the head of a familiar face appeared around the corner and he saw Joel standing there.
Joel heard the doorbell and when his name was called he wondered what it was all about. Turning the corner of the hall to see his Mom’s head sticking out from the kitchen and his Father at the door with a tall familiar face near him made him start for a minute. He wondered what Bobby was doing here but he kind of had an idea, that the team was wasting no time in bouncing him from its ranks. He stood there for a second or two, angry at the way his mother was pushing food on Bobby, didn’t she realize he was here to begin what would be a year of pure hell?
Joel “Hey.”
Bobby “Hi, uh, sorry if it’s late.”
Joel “It’s okay.”
Bobby “Uh, can we go somewhere to talk?”
Joel “Yeah, my room’s down here.”
He motioned with his head and shoulder that the room was off to one side and for a minute or two Bobby stared at him, his eyes kind of bulging as he hesitated, a hesitation that wasn’t lost neither on Joel nor on his father. Bobby could feel the tension rising too and the way Joel looked didn’t help him much either. Christ maybe he had walked into a family fight or something but then looking at Joel he realized that it wasn’t that, but that it was because he was here and then it hit him. Joel thought he was here to turf him from the squad and he felt sad at that, wondering why everyone always assumed the worse. Why did it always seem like you never expected good news anymore?
Abner “Joel, maybe you take your friend out back? Your Mama will give you boys a snack, yes?”
Joel “Yeah okay, wanna go sit out back?”
Bobby “Uh, sure.”
Abner “Take a jacket Joel, its windy.”
Joel “I am okay.”
Adele “Take a jacket, here, some nice strudel, you want some milk too? You can take the plastic glasses from the top Joel, yes?”
Joel “We are fine, thanks.”
Bobby moved as directed and he waited by the back door as Joel reached up and got some glasses and then filled them with milk, handing one to Bobby and then motioning for him to head on out the back door. He flipped on the light switch and walked out to sit down on one of the lawn chairs that was out back. He could feel the anger still inside, knowing that Bobby was here for one reason, and he hated having to be nice about it. Why couldn’t his father have just this once told Bobby that it was too late or something? Why did he always have to be so appeasing, but as he thought about it he felt the shame too, because he knew that his father was only doing what came naturally to him. He was after all the Rabbi.
He could feel the hostility and he really didn’t understand it. Why did everyone always get their hackles up before they knew what it was all about, but then again to be honest, he shouldn’t have made such an obvious goof up, he should have just gone ahead with Joel to his room but still, it was kind of unnerving. He didn’t know what he’d expected but still, it was kind of hard to just go into a guy’s room after his brother had just been outed, not to mention all the other stuff that had been said. In some ways he felt angry too, wondering why Joel automatically assumed something bad, so what if it were maybe partially true, Christ what did he know about fags anyhow? Wasn’t his brother who had come out on television and wasn’t him that was being linked to a popular athletes death, so why shouldn’t he be a bit nervous? Wasn’t it natural to be that way?
Joel could see the emotions twisting all through Bobby’s face and he wished that he would just get on with it, tell him he was off the squad and then he could get back to feeling miserable. It seemed that was how this year was going to go and for a moment or two he once more felt a deep sense of hatred for Robbie and for Josh too. God he was becoming a basket case as he watched the way Bobby sat in the lawn chair, almost like he was afraid of getting infected by some disease or something.
Joel “What’s up?”
Bobby “Uh, sorry, guess it’s kind of late to be here.”
Joel “No big deal, you want to say something?”
Bobby “Christ, what’s up your ass? Shit…. sorry wrong, I mean, fuck…”
Joel “Nothing’s up my ass. I ain’t a fucking fag, if that’s what you were wondering!”
Bobby “Shit, simmer down, but fuck, I mean you know some are gonna wonder.”
Joel “Like you?”
Bobby “Yeah, like me. Christ, give me a break Goldberg. I mean your brother more or less came out on television, who wouldn’t wonder a little?”
Joel “That why you are here? To see if I am a fag like my big brother and Robbie? You remember Robbie, the schools’ big star from last year?”
Bobby “Jesus man, I came here as a team mate, didn’t fucking come here to get my head chewed off.”
Bobby could feel the anger, almost as if it were something you could see or touch even and he hadn’t any idea why Joel was so upset, except that maybe he did have something to hide, could that be it? He looked over at Joel and saw him fighting back the tears and he felt ashamed at himself. Christ how happy would he be if his brother had just been outed and he had been accused of more or less helping a fellow schoolmate die?
Slowly he let his breath out, willing himself to relax and he took a bite from the weird pastry thing Joel’s mother had given them each as they had come into the kitchen. He had no idea what it was but as he tasted it, he felt the sugar and cinnamon and as he glanced up he saw Joel slowly relaxing his body. Well whatever this stuff was it was good, and he took a swallow of milk and leaned back into the lawn chair.
Bobby “This is good, what is it again?”
Joel “Strudel, pastry with raisins and stuff.”
Bobby “Cool, look man, I didn’t come here to fight with you…”
Joel “So why are you here?”
Bobby “I don’t know. I was walking, thinking, you know? I just figured that, well you were there, maybe you could, I don’t know, I guess I was hoping you’d have some answers is all.”
Joel “Answers? To what? If you want to know if I am queer, the answer is no, is my brother, yeah he is, did we have anything to do with Justin’s death, the answer is no.”
Bobby “Okay, I guess I asked for that, but, I mean, the news man, they made it sound, well…”
Joel “Yeah, I know, shit if I hadn’t been there I’d think the same I suppose…”
Bobby “What happened? Can you tell me? It is important Joel.”
Joel “Why? What difference does it make? No one is going to believe me or my brother, not now, thanks to that jerk ass reporter.”
Bobby “I will, just tell me, Justin was… shit man he was my best friend, I have to know.”
Joel turned and stared at Bobby and saw the way his face was all messed up, almost as if he were going to cry his eyes out but was struggling not to. He could see the pain almost and wished he had a best friend like that; one who would care enough to go to the enemy’s camp and find out for himself what had gone down. He felt a little ashamed at himself for snapping too, and while Bobby may still be here to bounce him at least he hadn’t gone right into that, at least he was willing to hear his side of things, though he doubted if it would make any difference.
Joel “Not much to tell really, I went with Josh to pick up some stuff from his and Robbie’s place. When we came out, I saw Justin and we called 911. He didn’t buzz the apartment Bobby, I swear it, and he wasn’t there when we went in. Had he been, we’d have done something, honest. I don’t know why they tried to make it out we held back, I liked Justin, well, you know what I mean…”
Bobby could see the anxious look on Joel’s face, the way his eyes were brimming with tears too as he stared at him, almost as if he were once more reliving that terrible moment. He couldn’t explain it but somehow he just knew it had to be like that, that it wasn’t the way he had assumed and he knew too that many of his friends wouldn’t see it that way, they’d believe the news more than the guy who was there, no matter what. He felt sad as he sat there, knowing that Justin must have been in a lot of pain and wishing that he would have come to him. Maybe if he had, things would have worked out better, maybe he could have saved him or gotten him to the hospital sooner, maybe.
The pain of all that happened tore into him at that moment and he couldn’t help himself. He began to cry, the tears rolling down his face as he realized that Justin was gone and there was nothing that could have been done, nothing he or Joel could have done would change that. A gut wrenching sob came from him as he buried his head into his hands, feeling lost and so alone that he forgot where he was and he sat there, sobbing into his hands until his mind once more brought him back to the present. He wiped away the tears on his sleeve and looked over at Joel, seeing how close to breaking down he was too, knowing in his heart that he expected bad news.
Bobby “Sorry…”
Joel “It’s okay, been a lot of that around here today.”
Bobby “I suppose, uh Joel?”
The way Bobby spoke his name brought his head upright, he no longer stared at the grass or at his feet as he knew that this was the moment of truth, that this was where he would begin his consignment to a year of pure hell. Once more the anger was trying to rise up but instead he felt nothing but a deep sense of sadness come over him as he waited, his body rigid as he answered Bobby.
Joel “Yeah?”
Bobby “You would have liked Justin, once you got to know him, the real him. He wasn’t the way everyone thinks.”
It was strange, the way he spoke was almost the same way that Robbie had spoken to him earlier, when he had told him about how he felt about Joshua, how he had felt about Justin too and yet, it was different. It was almost as if Bobby was trying to decide something, as if he were unsure of how he was feeling or maybe of what he was feeling? He eased up a little, knowing that he too felt that way, unsure, scared even and yeah, angry too as he looked back over to Bobby, seeing him in a different way than the one calling the plays in the game, seeing him for who he was for the first time really. It was weird, but he felt closer to him right now even though inside he still couldn’t get over the feeling that Bobby had come to kick him off the squad.
Joel “I wish I had had that chance. I really don’t know why he didn’t buzz the apartment Bobby, if he had, maybe…”
Bobby “Yeah, uh, look, I don’t know about all this, I mean… shit, the guys, they all liked Justin… he was a good player, we all kind of thought that with him we’d go all the way this year, and now…”
Joel “I know, it sucks.”
Bobby “Yeah, thing is Joel, that news shit, some of the guys, they are pretty hot about it.”
Joel “Uh huh, but… okay, look you don’t have to spell it out, I ain’t a dufus, I know the score.”
Bobby “Joel…”
Joel “Look, if it’ll make it easier for you, uh, just tell them I quit, okay? That help?”
Adele “No boychik, you will not quit.”
Both boys turned around to see Joel’s mother standing on the steps of the back porch. Her face was bathed in the light from the outdoor light but you could see the determination in her face as she walked down, letting the screen door bang shut. Joel had never seen her this way before and Bobby shrunk back into the chair, not certain he knew what was going on. One minute Joel was quitting the team for some reason and now his mother was acting like she was going to throttle them both.
Joel “Mama please, this isn’t your business, it’s easier, believe me.”
Adele “Easier? Yes, now it is easier, but in two years, five, ten, it will not be so easy then boychik. You cannot run from the tszuris, you have to stand and face it like a menche, there is no choice Joel.”
Joel “Mama please, we’ll talk about this later, not now, please.”
Adele “Why? You afraid I’ll embarrass you?”
Joel “Mama.”
Bobby “Uh, Mrs Goldberg, please, it is my fault. Joel has this idea maybe that I am here for some other reason. I mean, you do don’t you?”
Joel “Uh yeah, I mean… aren’t you?”
Adele “So, he thinks you are here to remove him from the team, yes? That right Joel?”
Joel “Yes.”
Bobby “I am not, honest, please…”
Adele “See?”
Joel “But… I mean, you said the guys, I don’t…”
Adele “Maybe kinder you should listen before you run? Too many people have run, it is time to stop all this meshugassism and be menchen[6. men. Be men], now sit, both of you.”
She had spoken in a voice that Joel recognized as her no nonsense tone, one that even his father paid attention to and he saw the way Bobby’s head suddenly snapped up too. For a second he smiled, wondering if it was a universal tone that all mother’s had, as there was little doubt that Bobby recognized it for what it was too.
Adele moved forward, standing next to her youngest boy as she stared over at the tall young man who had come calling so late at night. She could see that he was feeling the pain of Justin’s loss, something that many parents forgot about, that children felt things a lot harder than they might let on, that they were resilient yes but they felt pain hard, felt loss deeper perhaps than adults did simply because adults had grown accustomed to it. Still, she didn’t know the boy and maybe he was here to hurt her Joel, which she wouldn’t tolerate either but somehow, the way he had looked, the way he had spoken she didn’t think he was a bad boy.
Adele “So, Bobby is it?”
Bobby “Yes ma’am.”
Adele “Ma’am? Mien Gotte, now I am a ma’am? Ach, call me Adele, so is Joel right, are you here to get him off the team?”
It was amazing, one minute she had a voice that would split nails he thought, and yet now she was speaking so softly that he wasn’t even sure that she had said anything, even though he heard her plain enough. He could see the way she stood there, one hand resting lightly on Joel’s shoulder, the other at her side, twisting the apron that she wore. He could see the love in her face too and as he looked into her face, he saw no fear either, and he leaned back into the chair, relaxed for a brief second, feeling like his heart was suddenly being touched by a kindred spirit, one that would understand his pain, his doubts.
Bobby “No, I, I came here because I wanted to find out some things, and to, well to warn him.”
Adele “Warn him? About some of the other boys?”
Bobby “Yes.”
Adele “So, now Joel, maybe you should apologize to your friend?”
Joel “Huh? I mean…”
Bobby “He doesn’t owe me an apology, I’d have thought the same if I were in his shoes.”
Adele “Yes he does, it is wrong to judge someone before you know them, his father and I, we taught him better, yes Joel?”
Joel “Yes Mama, I am sorry Bobby, she is right. I sort of assumed, well, you know…”
Bobby “Yeah, I shouldn’t have put it the way I did, sorry.”
Joel “It’s okay, so uh, the guys, they going to want me off aren’t they?”
He stared at Joel, then he glanced over at his mother, and he felt the suddenly ashamed of his other team-mates because he knew that they would indeed want him off the squad. Maybe Joel was right to quit; it would take the wind out of them and maybe make it easier for Joel at school instead of trying to tough it out. Sometimes you did have to cut and run, but looking at Mrs Goldberg he realized that she wouldn’t have any of that, and in some ways, it made him feel better about Joel too.
Bobby “Yeah they will.”
Adele “So?”
Joel “Mama, you don’t understand, it can get, well, kind of rough.”
Adele “I don’t understand? Boychik, I understand better than you know, but tell me and your friend here, you like playing this basketball?”
Joel “Of course I do.”
Adele “So, you going to let some bully stop you from enjoying what you like?”
Bobby “It isn’t that simple Mrs. Goldberg, I mean I don’t want Joel to quit, but…”
Adele “But nothing, we do not quit. We may not always win young man, in fact history has shown we have rarely won, but we are still here, we still exist. That in itself is a victory, so no, run we do not do, no matter how hard it gets, yes mien kinder?”
He really didn’t know how to answer her, part of him really just wanted it all to go away but there was something deep down, something way down inside that kept telling him to stand, to be a menche and he knew that he could no more quit than he could deny Joshua as being his brother. It just wasn’t in him and he looked up into his mother’s warm face, seeing the blue twinkle in the eyes, the love that she had for him and he knew too that as much as she wanted him to stand, she too knew the horrors of standing up against the world.
It suddenly all made sense to him in a weird way, that this wasn’t really a fight about him or even about Robbie and Joshua, but instead was about something far more important. He really wasn’t sure what but he realized that his parents had put themselves on the line for Joshua and for him too, so how could he turn his back on that?
Joel “Yes Mama, we don’t run, sorry Bobby. I guess this is going to make it tough for you too, but my mother is right, I can’t run from this, I’ll understand if you want to, you know…”
Bobby “Cut and run?”
Joel “No, but, I appreciate you coming here. Sorry if I was, well you know, I won’t tell anyone you were here.”
Bobby “Why? I am glad I came, hope I can come again; besides, maybe we can kind of, I don’t know, practise together?”
He didn’t know why he said it, not sure even what had possessed him but as he said the words and saw the beaming glint of pleasure on Mrs Goldberg’s face, he knew that he had done the right thing. Looking at the stunned look on Joel’s face only helped to confirm that feeling and for the first time since he had heard the news, he actually felt slightly at ease, a sort of peace slowly beginning to once more take hold inside of him. There would be no replacing Justin in his life, but at least with Joel he felt like maybe he could have some of what he had with Justin, he could have someone who would listen and not judge him, something that he knew he desperately wanted.
Joel “Huh? Yeah sure, but… The guys, they wont like it Bobby.”
Bobby “No I suppose not, their problem though, not mine. Uh I do have one condition, if that’s okay?”
Joel “Condition? Uh, what?”
Bobby “Can I have more of this pastry thing? It is good!”
Adele “Ah huh, a maidel[7. an expert] of haute cuisine at last… come you can have more and I’ll give you some to take home to your family, come…”
Joel couldn’t believe it, the way every thing he had thought was going to come crashing in on him was just a puff of smoke. For whatever reason Bobby had shown up not as an executioner but instead as maybe a friend, maybe as someone who he could come to trust and believe in, and it felt nice. He still was amazed at his mother, the way she could switch from the harsh matron to the food pushing mother he knew so well. It felt good and he had to chuckle, knowing that Bobby had scored big by wanting more strudel, and as he looked up, he saw her face turn towards him and in that very instant, he felt her pride in him and it warmed his heart and gave him courage as he hastened his gait, to walk by her side, feeling her strength caressing his bruised soul with its love and its tenderness.