Chapter 14

Jesse felt a strange reluctance suddenly as the whole house was quiet. No one had really spoken since they heard the Sheriff’s car leave but he could feel the way Kip kept staring at him. It was uncomfortable and yet at the same time pleasing. He knew he had made the right decision with both Bailey and in being here. He needed to have Kip know where he stood, that he was 100% behind him. Whether it would make the rest easy he wasn’t sure, but he had to try. That much he knew in both his heart and mind.

Is he staying here?

The young voice startled Jesse and everyone else as they turned around to stare at the young boy standing in the hallway. He looked so young and yet as Jesse stared at him he felt nervous, as if something bad was about to happen. He couldn’t explain it as Kip answered his younger brother. At first all Bobby did was stare at Kip then he turned and ran into his room. The girls wondered aloud what was with him and then they screamed as Bobby returned.

Everyone froze as they stared at the big gun in the young boy’s hands. They saw how he could barely hold it up and how it wavered back and forth but was aimed at Jesse. Marilyn Tanner tried to stand up but her pain was too much as was the shock of seeing the gun in her youngest boy’s hands. Her hand went to her mouth as Kip stared at Bobby and then over at Jesse. With his eyes he tried to get Jesse to hold still which wasn’t difficult, considering how he felt at that moment. Panic was tearing at him as he tried to fathom why this kid was suddenly aiming a huge looking gun at him.

Bobby…

He can’t stay Kip, please…

Bobby put that down before you hurt someone.

I can’t let him stay Kip, you told me I am the man here, I can’t let him stay.

I know Bobby, but I am here now, so you can relax.

No, I saw him. He’s just like… he was…

Kip’s face grew chalk white as he tried to think, tried to figure out what Bobby was telling him. Was Jesse somehow involved with his father? No, it couldn’t be that and he hated himself for even thinking it but what could Bobby have seen, what could have made him bring that gun out here?

You saw Jesse? Where? What are you trying to say Bobby.

I saw him Kip, please, don’t let him stay.

He’s my friend.

How can he be? He’s like daddy.

Like daddy? No, no he isn’t anything like him Bobby, why would you… come on put the gun down and you and I can go talk.

No! He is like him, I saw, he is just like him.

Bobby, listen to your brother, you give him that gun this instant.

I can’t mom, you didn’t see him, I did…

Your brother knows him, he is a friend.

He isn’t, he is just like daddy, he does the same thing…

Kip felt a cold chill as he listened to the young voice, so filled with terror and yet so determined. He knew Bobby would use the gun if pushed and suddenly he felt frightened. How could all this be happening to him? Wasn’t it enough already for what they had to deal with never mind his youngest brother possibly hurting someone because of some unknown fear, some unknown association he had made between Jesse and his father?

Kips body was taut with the fear of what might be. He could hear the fear in Bobby’s voice as he spoke, the way it shuddered when he spoke about the man who was their father. God, why he wondered, why were such people allowed to exist? He struggled to keep his own voice soft and calm as he talked, feeling a growing sense of impending doom that he wasn’t certain he could survive. The mere thought of losing Jesse suddenly loomed in his thoughts and he felt the beat of his heart rising, giving him pain that seemed to echo in every part of his body.

Bobby, he isn’t like dad was, come on, you know I wouldn’t lie to you, now give me the gun and we’ll talk.

You sure?

I am sure.

But Kip he was… I saw him, he did to you what daddy did.

Jesse had seen the blood drain from Kip’s face as the young Tanner boy stood there in his pyjamas. He couldn’t help but admire the boy though the vision of that huge gun aimed at him was more than he wished to see of a gun. Yet as he stared at him he began to sense what had gone on, what Kip had been forced to deal with each day. He felt strangely guilty for thinking he had a rough life, when considering all that Kip had endured.

What? How…

I saw him, at the trailer… it was just like… I mean..

Kips body shuddered even as he spoke. It was like the gun had gone off but instead of hitting Jesse had hit him square in the heart. He had never once really thought that his father’s abuse had gone that far, but in listening to Bobby, in looking at him he knew he had been wrong. The realization only heightened his own need to end this matter, for all time.

How do you know what dad did?

He…. I do, that is all.

Bobby…

I do, okay? I know how it hurts… I saw him just like I remember…

Kip felt sick to his stomach as he didn’t want to believe it even though he knew now that it was true. He could hear his mother sucking in her breathe, knowing that if he was to turn to her he’d see the tears running down her face. She didn’t deserve to hear this, didn’t deserve to see her family in such pain.

He didn’t know what to do but then he heard Jesse’s voice and his face turned slightly to stare at him. He saw the way Jesse now stood, his body shielding the girls who were behind him. It was almost as if he figured that if Bobby shot, he wouldn’t give him a chance to miss, to stand before Kip’s sisters as a shield. It made him marvel at his friend’s courage as he stood there, desperate to find the words to ease his brother’s fears.

Bobby… I know what you saw, you were at the trailer awhile back weren’t you?

Yes

You think it was the same as what your, as what happened to you, right?

‘Yes

You are a pretty smart kid, so I know you will understand, but what Kip and I were doing, that wasn’t the same Bobby.

Yes it was.

No Bobby, not really, it looks the same but there is a whole difference in what we did and what your, shit, I cant’ call him a father, sorry, but I am not going to hide how I feel Bobby. Your father was sick, what he did was wrong, but it isn’t the same as what Kip and I did, you have to see that.

I saw you, it was just like how he did it…

Probably but Bobby, what your brother and I did, it was because we love each other. I didn’t force him to do it, he didn’t force me either.

That’s what he said.

Jesse saw the glare of Bobby’s eyes at him. He was confused and despite his age he had gone through more than he could imagine. God to think of how young he must have been when that animal did what he did to him, and worse, to have kept it a secret. He felt like just reaching out to grab him and hold him tight but he couldn’t. Not with that gun staring at him and the risk to the girls behind him or to Kip for that matter.

He had never been good with words, and yet his life maybe depended on just how good he could be. Kind of ironic he thought as he realized how much he wanted to stay here, to be a part of this family. It was like suddenly he had a reason for being but it needed him to convince them of it, starting with Bobby.

He was lying to you Bobby, what he did wasn’t love, wasn’t about caring. You are smart enough to know that now, that what he did was wrong but that what your brother and I, well what we did wasn’t like that. You saw us, as hard as it is for you if you think back you’ll know that what you saw Kip and I doing, was nothing like what he did to you.

You are just trying to trick me, it was the same, I know it is…

No, it wasn’t. Look at him Bobby, go on look at your brother and see for yourself.

Jesse held his breathe as he watched the younger version of Kip turn his face slightly. The gun wavered in his young hands as he stared over at his big brother. It was a moment of truth and he knew in his heart exactly what Bobby would see in Kip’s face.

I don’t see…

Yes you do, look at his face, is that how you looked at your father after? Is it?

No…

Is it how Kip looked at your father?

No…

Then you see, it is different because well, Kip and I care for each other in a way that is special, not bad.

But.. I mean, how? It still was…

Bobby was looking at him fully. Jesse could feel his eyes boring into him and he tried to remain calm, tried to hold himself steady as he knew how confused the young boy was. He felt his pain and as much as he wanted to glance over at Kip, he knew he couldn’t.

I love your brother Bobby, look at me, you can see that can’t you?

I don’t know…

Yes you do Bobby, you know that what you saw Kip and I doing isn’t anything like what he did to you. It is like, well, both Kip and your Dad have yelled at you for doing something wrong, right?

Yeah…

When Kip yelled at you, did you think he was being just like your dad, or was it different?

It was different.

It hurt more when Kip yelled at you didn’t it?

Yeah.

That was because you knew Kip was doing it because he cared for you, didn’t you?

I guess.

See, two things can be the same but not, what Kip and I did might look the same, but just like when he yells at you it is different than when your dad did, this is the same.

I don’t know, how do I know that? I want to, I mean..

Just look at Kip Bobby, look at him and you’ll know I am telling the truth.

The gun wasn’t quite pointing at Jesse anymore. Kip could feel the confusion in his brother and he stepped forward a bit, making Bobby turn and look at him from under his eyebrows. He could see him thinking, knowing that he was trying to connect the dots, trying to make sense of all that had been said to him.

He’s telling you the truth Bobby, come on, look at me.

Kip…

Look at me, you know I have never lied to you.

I know.

Kip had moved another step closer. He could see how the gun was heavy in Bobby’s hands and he could feel his fear too. So much for a kid to deal with but then, he was a Tanner, and maybe that made him stronger. He never really thought much about it before, but somehow all he had gone thru had made him stronger.

What Jesse had said was something else he’d have to deal with. He knew that he did have feelings for him, that what they had done back in the trailer was more than just a fling, more than just a release or casual thing. He didn’t know what had happened with Andy and then there was Bailey to think about. So much and yet as he stared at Bobby he knew that he’d find a way to sort it all out. It was like he knew that as overwhelming as it all seemed that he would find the way to get through it.

Then believe me Bobby when I tell you that what you saw isn’t the same. What Jesse is telling you is true. We are friends, in a way that maybe you can’t yet understand, hell that most adults can’t even understand yet but it isn’t like what he did. You know that cause I am telling you that. I don’t lie to you, you have to trust me Bobby.

I do Kip… it is just that…

I know Bobby…

It looked… it hurt so much, I don’t want him to hurt you… he’s coming back isn’t he? That’s why the Sheriff was here… I don’t…

The tears were flowing down the young boys face. His whole body was shaking as the gun was now aimed at the floor. His little arms hanging down shuddering as he tried to keep the fear at bay. It tore at Kip’s heart to see him this way and he knew that he needed to be here, to not leave again no matter what the county or anyone said.

It’s okay Bobby, come on, give me that and we can go to your room and talk.

I am scared Kip, he’s coming back and then when… when I saw Jesse doing… it looked the same Kip, really it did.

I know Bobby, I know. It’s okay, honest, okay?

If you say so.

I do.

Tears were rolling down his face as he held the gun out to his brother. Kip took it carefully and put the safety back on before setting it down. He gathered his younger brother up in his arms, wondering when the pain would ever leave him and his family? It was something he knew would always haunt him but now he knew it wasn’t just him that would have to bear the scars of what his father had done. It would be Bobby too and the anger rose up inside. He felt the determination that had always marked him as different.

The young arms encircled him and held him tightly. He could feel the young body shivering as he held him tightly, kissing him on the side of his face, feeling the salty tears as he held on just as tightly as Bobby. It was all he could do for now but the resolve inside grew harder.

The image of his father breaking in no longer held him in fear. He knew that nothing would stop him this time, that no fear or panic would prevent him from protecting his family from the man who claimed to be their father. His life was no longer a consideration as he held onto the crying boy in his arms.

Reflections of all that he had endured flashed before his own misty eyes. He could feel the man’s breath on his neck as his fingers spread his butt cheeks, as the vile stench of his alcohol soaked skin had violated his young body.

All of the times that he had been forced to endure that man’s attentions raced across his memory. Visions of the man’s red blotched face and angry eyes made his body tremble from fear and disgust. Images of the man’s crooked grin as he had slammed his body into Kip’s all flooded past his eyes but this time it was different. This time there appeared other images, other smells that made him hold back the unreasoning anger and hatred.

This time he could smell his own shampoo but from the strands of hair that had fallen across his face from Jesse’s head. This time he could feel the soft sensuous touch of a hand on his thigh instead of the course rough dirty hand. Now he felt alive instead of consumed by anger as he felt the entry of Jesse into his own willing body.

In his mind he knew that there were many things that needed to be sorted out. He knew that much was still left to be said and explained but in his heart he knew at last that the future was not bleak, was not filled with only dread and despair. He knew that despite the risks that lay ahead, there was a chance for a future, a real future and as he carried Bobby out of the living room he felt alive, for the second time in a short few days. The first had been when Jesse had first touched him back in the trailer.

Jesse saw the look as Kip passed by him with Bobby and he suddenly let his breathe out. It had all worked out okay so far and as he watched Kip carrying Bobby he felt uniquely proud of Kip. He couldn’t explain it to himself but it was like how a real parent would feel when the other partner was dealing with the kids. Strange, to think that he could even imagine himself as being a parent, never mind being a partner with someone. Still it made him feel good inside and he didn’t’ want the feeling to end.

So uh you and Kip, you two gonna live together after all this?

The girls voice startled him almost as much as the question did. Jesse turned around to look at Beth, with a feeling that his whole face was blushing.

Beth, now you stop being so nosey.

Yes mama.

Both of you, get into the kitchen and get some coffee going, and make up some sandwiches for the boys for later.

Yes mama.

Jesse watched the two girls leave, both of them stealing glances at him and at Kips mother as they left. It was odd but he kind of wished they would stay. He wasn’t too sure about being left alone with Kip’s mother and what to say if she asked him what he was certain she would. He looked down at his feet as he felt her eyes on him and he wished Kip would come back, but knowing that Kip would be busy with Bobby.

You did good Jesse McKnight.

Thank you ma’am.

Ma’am? Well you always did have manners, but you call me Mary, if you like.

Uh, thank you.

Well, kind of awkward to call me ma’am if you going to be around here lots, you are planning to stick around after all this trouble is finished, aren’t you?

Yes ma’am, uh, I mean Mary, least uh, if Kip is okay with it.

Never mind that, he wants it but sometimes that boy is too stubborn. You two are good for each other, you be good to him Jesse McKnight or I’ll not take kindly to you.

I will try to.

You’ll do more than try, you’ll do it or I’ll get the switch out now.

Yes ma’am.

And Jesse…

Yes?

Thank you, I was a might worried

That’s okay, Bobby wouldn’t have fired the gun.

Oh I know that, that isn’t what I meant.

Huh? I don’t…

I meant for sticking by Kip, for caring enough to stand by him, he hasn’t had it easy and I can rest easier now knowing that someone will be with him Just don’t you go disappointing me now.

I won’t.

Good, now why don’t you go see if one of my nosey girls can come and help me with my pills.

Yes ma’am.

Stop calling me ma’am, or I’ll think you don’t want to be part of this family and don’t you take any guff from them girls either. What you and Kip plan is between you two, for now.

Yes… Mary… I’ll keep that in mind.

Good, you are a good boy Jesse, now go on.

He walked away from the lady in the chair, feeling like suddenly everything was just perfect. The thought of facing Kip’s father was in the back of his mind but in his heart he felt like he had finally found his place in the world. Now if only he could convince Kip of that he thought as he walked into the kitchen, to see the two girls giggling as they made sandwiches on the kitchen counter.

——

The story had left him feeling drained and cold. His eyes had filled with tears several times as he listened to Chris’ halting voice detail all that had gone on. He still wasn’t sure what to make of Chris, and yet inside he felt like he was really being told the truth. Bailey, he could see, kept glancing at him and then at Chris, as if trying to gauge how each was handling the details of the story.

Andy still didn’t know what had gone at the service station that had made Bailey run from there, but he figured eventually Bailey or Kip might let him in on it. Still it rankled a little as he realized that things had not gone the way he had hoped tonight. Somehow he had blown it with Jesse and now his hopes to have fawned Bailey off onto Kip had backfired. Still he should be happy that Bailey found someone who cared for him, but was it really Chris?

Hell why did it even matter to him? He couldn’t shake the feeling that in some way he had missed out on something by looking beyond what was in front of him. Okay so he had taken pity on Bailey or had he been taking advantage of Bailey by letting him do that stuff before? Had he been any different than say Chris had been tonight?

His father had always told him they were part of the elite, that select group destined to lead with their wealth and power. Trouble was, had he fallen for that crap or was it perhaps true even? Andy felt confused as the emotions swirled around inside of him. All he knew for certain was that even with his money, his looks, he had missed out on having Jesse and now it seemed even his backup of Bailey.

Christ, just thinking about Bailey as some fall back fuck toy made him suddenly realize how cold and calculating he was. Inside he had always thought he was better than the Grant Waddington’s of the world but it appeared now that he was just as bad, just as conniving. He shivered a little as he saw the way Bailey kept looking at Chris. It made him jealous wondering if anyone would ever look at him that way.

Well one thing could be said for tonight, it sure as fuck was an eye opener. He felt a little bit overwhelmed by it all but still, it did feel kind of nice even if he wasn’t the one holding hands with anyone special. Still maybe there was something he could do about that, hell maybe Bailey had a brother but that thought quickly passed away. Andy resigned himself to what had gone on, and he felt sad for himself but happy for Bailey. Maybe after all he wasn’t totally like the Waddington’s of the world?

Grant isn’t going to like this.

Chris looked up and over towards Andy. He could see the piercing eyes staring at him but there was something different in the way they looked at him. He didn’t know why but he felt suddenly so much more alive than when he had first come to the room. It was like he had been lost and suddenly a rescue party had found him. It was still chilling as he thought about Grant and what this would mean. Yet it didn’t seem to frightened him as it used to.

Screw him and what he likes or doesn’t like.

And what about your family’s business? He’s pretty well their last hope, isn’t he?

How’d you… I mean…

My father told me. It’s not exactly a secret in our circle.

I see, you’ve known all this time?

Yeah.

He kind of knew that as much as his parents thought they had it all hidden it wasn’t. Grant had to know too and he realized that Grant had been playing him, that he never had any intention of interceding on his behalf. It struck him then that he really had nothing more to lose, except his own feelings. His dad’s plan was nothing more than grasping at straws and he had been the one to pay the price for it. He felt disappointed in his parents. Chris shrugged his shoulders as he spoke.

Well, public school isn’t that bad is it Bailey?

No, no it isn’t, but… I mean…

You are serious aren’t you Chris? About Grant and everything?

Yeah, I am. I don’t know, maybe it isn’t what my parents would want, but, well, I don’t know, this just, well, it feels right and if that means not having the money, well it’s not like I have much now anyhow, so I don’t go to Europe for winter break this year, doesn’t mean I’ll never go.

True, but it’s a big drop, socially.

So what? You know Andy, all this social shit, its nice but its boring really. I guess maybe I am not cut out to be rich, to play the game. I don’t know but I can’t remember when I had real fun, had a really good time. I think maybe for once I’d like to feel that. Ya know?

Andy looked down and he realized just how much he did understand what Chris was saying. He had hated the parties, the instructions on who to talk to, who to nod to or who to ignore. He never really had the friends he wanted, and his birthday party lists were always scrutinized by his father’s secretary, for improper names. No he knew full well what Chris meant and he wondered if those who sought the riches were aware of the sacrifices needed?

Honestly, I guess I do know what you are saying, takes a lot of guts though.

Guts? I don’t know, maybe but I am just so tired of the bullshit Andy, I am tired of the Waddington’s and…

And the Taylor’s?

No, I mean you been decent to me, even though I have been a shit…

It’s okay, look, maybe we can work something out, I mean if you are serious about all this?

I am and I appreciate the offer, I think, but I don’t want to, well, you know. I’ll manage somehow, guess the hardest part is telling my dad I failed.

Well don’t go rushing things, there is always options, why don’t you just kick back for now, and let me think on this for a bit?

Why? I mean, I appreciate it but…

I don’t know, guess maybe because you are right, that maybe there is something more to things than money or position. Maybe I am tired of it too, and maybe I want to.

Before coming to Bailey’s room, Chris had known inside that he had failed his family. He had known that the second he walked into Bailey’s room that everything his parents had hoped he would accomplish would fall apart and yet now, there seemed to be hope. Andy might swing it but did he want him to? It felt strange, to realize that someone might actually want to help, without strings or without being stroked like Grant insisted on. Maybe he had been wrong, maybe not everyone was like Grant?

You serious?

Yeah I am, look, you two can bunk here, I can go into town for the rest of the night.

No, no I mean, this is your room too.

Yeah well, it is also Bailey’s room and I’d say he’d like to have you stick around, right Bay?

Do you mind Andy? I mean… I know its kind of…

He wasn’t sure why he had made the offer, only that he had to. It felt kind of nice to be in the position where he could and the sadness at not having someone holding his hand sort of passed. He was young and there would be other opportunities and perhaps next time he wouldn’t rush into it in quite the same way. Maybe all this was a way for him to accept who he was and what he was?

Okay so it wasn’t the same or anything like what he had wanted but it did feel kind of good. He looked at both Chris and Bailey and felt kind of warm inside. Andy could see the twinkle in Bailey’s eyes and he had to admit to himself that it was nice to see. The sadness that it wasn’t for him was still there, but then life wasn’t always about getting what you wanted, sometimes you just had to accept second best.

No, it’s okay. Besides I feel like being by myself for a bit, to think on things, so how about we meet in the morning? There is that café in town, they make great pancakes… my treat, how about it? Say 10?

You sure?

Yes

I don’t know what to say man, I mean…

Don’t say anything, just, well just, you know.

I will, I promise Andy. Thanks.

Yeah, well I’ll see you two then at 10?

We’ll be there.

Great, okay, well later.

He had grabbed his overnight bag that he kept under his bed and was just closing the door when he heard the bed squeak. Andy smiled to himself knowing that Chris was no longer sitting on the chair. In so many ways it felt good to hear and yet he couldn’t help but feel a pang of regret for himself. Maybe it was self pity but then he had only himself to blame too. He hadn’t seen Bailey really, had fixated on Jesse and that brought another round of regret to him.

Walking slowly back to his car, Andy knew that he’d have to make it right with Jesse too. He couldn’t just leave it the way they had. It hurt still but somehow he felt better about himself than he had for a long time. Maybe all this was worth it in the long run. He shivered a bit in the night air as he climbed into the car and headed off campus to find the closest motel. Somehow he kind of felt like he’d have a good sleep.

——

The house was quiet at last. Everyone had finally gone to bed and now there was just him and Kip sitting in the living room. They hadn’t had much of a chance to talk and right now, it just seemed like the silence was what they both needed. He could see Kip was lost deep in thought and he wondered what was going thru his mind? Was he thinking of his dad or was he worrying about Bobby? Did he wonder if he could pull the trigger if needed or was he wondering if Jesse could pull the trigger?

He felt suddenly alone even though he sat next to Kip on the chesterfield. Jesse felt the cushions vibrate a bit with each deep breathe that Kip took, still he felt alone. There was so much he wanted to ask and to say but he felt afraid. The way Kip had looked at him earlier still filled his mind with thoughts of the two of them. He could still see the milky white flesh of Kips thigh that day in the trailer. How perfect he had appeared and well, also how damn innocent he had looked.

They both had a past but somehow that didn’t seem to matter anymore. All he could think about was how much he wanted to make this work, to get past this shit with that son of a bitch father and go forward. He found himself praying actually that surprised him. He never used to pray or at least not that he could recall.

Odd he thought, how danger and desire could make him think of God and stuff like that. He wanted Kip and inside he knew that it was right to feel that way, yet here he was, his fingers resting on a gun butt knowing that he was waiting to perhaps kill another person. Maybe Kip should worry if he would pull the trigger because at this moment he wasn’t sure if he could or not.

There had been moments when he had listened to Bobby and he had felt like he could easily pull that trigger but now, in the calm aftermath he had the doubts again. Could he do it? What if he couldn’t? What if he really was the coward his parents had thought him to be? It all filled his mind as he sat there, feeling so alone and yet, something kept nagging at him, kept trying to reassure him that anything was possible.

You feeling as scared as I am?

Kip’s voice startled him in the dim light of the room. He turned to face him and he saw the thin lines on Kip’s forehead etched against a chalk white face. His heart skipped a beat as he wanted to reach out and tell him it would all be okay even though he wasn’t sure of it. He took a deep breath, wondering what would be the end of all this? Hell would Kip’s old man really come back or were they maybe worrying for nothing?

I am petrified, does that count as being scared?

Haha, yeah it does.

Good, I’d hate to think I was being different.

Kip saw how Jesse looked away from him, how the nostrils seemed to flare just a bit as he took in a heavy deep breath. It was almost as if he could taste the fear that they both seemed to share. Yet despite that he felt oddly happy that Jesse was here, making him squirm a little. How could he feel so much for someone when he had spent his life avoiding such feelings? Looking at Jesse though made his heart skip a beat or two and he felt a growing warmth inside that brought a smile to his face.

You are different.

I know, sorry about that.

Don’t be, its kind of nice.

Yeah? Wait till you see how I am after a big meal.

No problem, you can do the cooking.

Funny ain’t you?

No, uh, Jess…

Yeah?

Thanks.

No sweat.

Yeah right.

Jesse could hear the panic in Kip’s voice. He felt the same way and it sort of surprised him that Kip did He always looked so calm, so in control that it made him feel all weird inside. It was almost like Kip was letting him see all of him, something that frightened him as well as excited him.

Well okay maybe a bit of sweat, but shit man, its gonna work out okay.

I wish I could believe that, it just seems so, so impossible at times, like it will never be right, I mean…

I think I do Kip, hell I have those thoughts myself.

Doesn’t look like it.

Yeah well you don’t either, but I guess that’s part of being a guy, sometimes I wish I could get away with what girls do.

What put on makeup?

Fuck… okay I asked for that.

Yeah guess you did, but I know what you mean. I always used to think a guy had to act a certain way, then too, all this. I mean, I don’t know, at times I wish I could just hide under my bed.

Can I join you?

Depends, you bringing the lube?

Course, no way I letting you fuck me dry bud.

Haha, yeah well you aren’t exactly tiny tot yourself bud.

Thanks, but still…

Jess, I don’t know why you came back, but I am glad you did. I am sorry about Andy.

Yeah he’s an okay guy but Kip, I didn’t’ dump him because, well okay, I did dump him because I knew it wouldn’t work out, but that wasn’t the real reason.

No? But you said…

I know, see, when we talked after that time in the trailer, I was wrong.

Wrong? I don’t…

Jesse wasn’t sure why it had come to this but as he stared at Kip’s face, he knew in his heart that it would have come up no matter what. He had said it and now he realized just how much he meant it. It was sort of like suddenly opening your eyes for the first time in a new place, seeing things you had never seen before. Kip wasn’t just a pretty face to him, he meant something and he wanted to have Kip feel that way about him too.

Kip, you and I, maybe it won’t work out but damn it, I want to see for myself, I want to at least try to see if maybe, I mean, if we could… you know, maybe it would work.

You think? I mean you don’t know me that well or what I have done all that much.

Shit who cares about that? Christ you think I was some choirboy? Wait.. don’t say it.

Kip smiled at Jesse knowing that he was only trying to lighten the mood. It was like he could almost read his thoughts which made his pulse race a bit. There was no mistaking the desire in Jesse’s voice or his face. It was all he had wanted but never thought possible.

I won’t, but I know what you mean.

Yeah? Cool, I guess, I don’t know Kip, sometimes I know that we aren’t the only two guys in the fucking world who have to deal with shit like this, yet seeing you, watching how you are with it, kind of well, hell it makes me know I that I need to try, to see if we can’t be more than, well, more than just two guys who went to school and fucked. There is something about you, that well, I need, corny huh?

Me? What could I have that you need?

Strength, courage, I guess, damn it Kip you took all his shit and when he was finally gone, you didn’t pick up and run. You stuck it out here, you have single handed run this family and even when the county made you live elsewhere, you didn’t chuck it in. You stuck, something I never could do.

I dunno, never thought about leaving Jess, I mean there are the twins and Bobby and course mom, I couldn’t just pick up and leave em, not with her sick and all. Besides, I’d bet if you were put into that situation you’d have done what I did.

Really? You think more of me than I do Kip. I doubt if I would have. I’d like to hope I would have but I don’t know. Shit man, I don’t even know how you survived your old man all those years.

He knew Jesse was trying to support him but he didn’t feel like any damn hero. The truth was he felt like all this crap was really his own fault, that he should have done more before it got to this stage but how could he tell him that? How could he tell anyone that?

Staring at Jesse’s face he wondered if maybe he would understand? He had never told anyone before how he felt about all that had gone on, how sick it made him feel or how guilty. Looking at Jesse he thought that maybe he would but what if he didn’t? Would he or could he endure another disappointment?

Survived? I don’t know if I did. Not sure if I did things right, I mean I let him do stuff Jess, I shouldn’t have let him. If I had maybe spoke up sooner, or…

Bullshit, you were a kid, how were you supposed to know? I mean…

I knew Jess, that’s just it, I knew what he was doing was wrong, still I never told anyone, maybe if I had none of this would be happening now.

Crap, it would have only been worse. I remember how things were at school. They’d have called you queer then when you couldn’t defend yourself like you can now, and it wasn’t like the county or anyone would lift up a finger to help. Christ man I remember the trial, how that sleaze ball tried to say you had manipulated your old man into doing that stuff to you… that it was cuz you wanted him to. Fuck I even…

He was doing his job Jess, least I keep telling myself that was the reason but, well I don’t know sometimes I think back on all that happened. I mean, maybe I did ask for some of it, I mean I am gay, I do like cock like he said, so maybe there is some truth in all he said. It just is, I don’t know, don’t you see that? I just don’t know…

Fuck that, the guy was full of shit. I know some believed him which is what made it worse. But he was trying to make it look like you were at fault, Christ Kip you weren’t any older than Bobby is now when he started that shit with you, how the fuck could you have wanted it? It fucking pisses me off that some believe his bullshit, you were a kid, he was an adult, it wasn’t up to you to say no, he was your father, he shouldn’t have done that shit to you, and so what if you like cock now? That has nothing to do with him, and you didn’t do anything wrong, I’d stake my life on that too and shit Kip, I guess it’s also why I admire you. See, I doubt if I could have stayed here, knowing so many believed what that scum ball said about you. You did, that took guts Kip.

Inside he could feel the words warming him in places he had always figured would be cold and empty. For some reason listening to Jesse made him feel hopeful, made him think that perhaps it wasn’t as bad as he had believed. It made him feel again, want to feel more even which he hadn’t done for a long long time.

Guts? I don’t know about that Jess, maybe but really, it just seemed like there wasn’t any other choices. I suppose some might leave, but most around here didn’t say much or anything. Not like I was Mr Popular to begin with and well, always been bit of a loner too so maybe that helped. I don’t know, but leaving my family? I couldn’t do that, its all I had, all I have ever had.

Jesse could hear the pain in each word. He felt Kip’s loneliness too and it made his heart ache. He couldn’t explain why but he desperately wanted to share Kip’s burden.

I wish I had that.

What?

A family that wanted me, that made me want them too.

You have a family Jess, I mean…

No, not the way you do Kip. Shit man I see how they all look at you, rely on you yeah but its more than that. They look at you with, I don’t know, love maybe? All mine ever looked at me with was with anger or disappointment.

Kip had never really known Jesse’s folks that well. They were more on the other side of town, where the respectable folk lived and yet he could hear the envy in Jesse’s voice It wasn’t fake or even just because of all the crap happening. He just didn’t know what to say to Jesse but he felt like he had to, that somehow he needed to let Jesse know that he was special too.

Maybe they just don’t know you, or something?

Something all right, disgust really. My dad doesn’t get how I can be the way I am, thinks its just my way of pissing him off. Like I can switch off who I am. No you are the one with a real family, guess it explains a lot too, which maybe is why in some ways I envy you, kind of jealous really.

Of what? Sitting in the dark with a gun near your hand to try and stop your father from killing you? Doesn’t seem like much to be envious of Jess.

There was no mistaking the bitterness in Kip’s voice and he stared at the boy, searching his face in the darkness of the room. He didn’t want Kip to feel this way and he struggled to find the words that would make him see it differently.

I know, that part I could do without but then again, its made you do things I never had the courage to do. It’s, I don’t know, made you strong and I know you don’t see it about yourself, but its what attracts me to you. The way you stand up and take charge, way you don’t think it’s a burden or anything. You look at all the shit that’s happened and you didn’t cut and run. You stuck it out. Christ others would have bailed but you looked for ways to make it all work, to fight on and do what you could. I never could do that, least not then. Now, well I am not certain of much, just that I don’t want to leave, that at least I owe it to myself to try and well, be a part of your world, if you’ll let me.

The ache in his chest grew as he listened to the soft halting voice. How could he not have seen this before? Why did it all have to come out now when there might not be a tomorrow? How could he let Jesse be a part of all this for God only knew how long? It wasn’t fair or right but then Jesse knew what he was getting into, at least so he said. Still, as he sat there feeling the darkness around them both Kip wondered if maybe there really could be a chance for them? After all Jesse had come back with the Sheriff.

What if this never ends Jess? I mean shit, you are stuck in the middle of my families crap. It isn’t right.

Yes it is, least in my mind it is. Kip I care about you, I mean, not just cause the sex was good. There is something more, something I have never felt before when with someone. It is like being around you makes me feel good. It isn’t easy to explain I suppose, but when I am with you I feel like maybe I count for something, that I am not a total failure.

You aren’t a failure, shit you have gone thru crap of your own. How can you think you aren’t worth it? Man you were fairly popular in high school.

Yeah right, that wasn’t me Kip, that was being a McKnight, wasn’t me. Hasn’t been me until I came to Boone’s that night. I know its crazy, but when I was with Andy, all I could think about was you. Not this shit either but about having breakfast with you, about working together on your car, about going to a movie with you and yeah, dumb as it sounds, about sitting around having dinner with you and your family here. Stupid huh?

No, not a bit. I guess I kind of want that too.

You do?

Yeah, but I can’t ask you to stick in the middle of this shit. It might not end soon, then what? You’ll be in this mess for God only knows how long, and well, then there is the county.

Fuck the county. We’ll find a way, hell I can work, maybe between the two of us we can manage without the county help?

Kip had to admit, it would be nice to tell that County Bitch to fuck off. The way she had made him and his family feel like dirt so many times and yet they had needed every penny that the County had given them. It wasn’t like they had a choice then, but could they do it?

Staring at Jesse’s earnest face he felt like maybe it was possible. Still it was a big job and how could he ask Jesse to do any of that? It would tie him down and yet somehow he didn’t think Jesse would object to that part.

Jess, do you know what you are suggesting?

Shit yeah. Look, I know that our history doesn’t make this seem even possible, yet maybe it does. Christ Kip, I can feel you inside of me still and I don’t know, but I want to feel it again and again. I want to feel your hand on my face and your lips on mine, and yeah I want to see your face as you do laundry or I do the dishes. Corny huh?

No.

Kip…

Please Jess… I just.. I mean it sounds all so perfect, so ideal but who are we kidding? Christ without the county helping out even if we both work full time, it most likely won’t be enough. I can’t ask you to live in a trailer or wear tattered jeans till they fall off from wear.

Why not? Fuck you think I haven’t done that? I have lived doing exactly what you have done to get a few extra bucks too. Okay I didn’t have a family to look after, so yeah I did it for other reasons too, for drugs and shit like that. And yeah its not maybe the best reasons, and sure it isn’t exactly a great way to make things meet, but fuck Kip, its all we both got. We do it cuz its all we got to trade on, and if I have to do it again, fuck at least this time it’d be for something of value, instead of for something stupid.

I can’t ask you to do that. I mean… shit its bad enough that I do it, how can I…

You aren’t asking me, I am offering to Kip. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather find another way but if that’s all we got left to fall back on, then fine. No way am I gonna be a part of your life and not do whatever it takes. I mean it. I want you to know that, just like whatever it takes now, I’ll do it. I may be scared shitless about it but fuck, I’ll pull the trigger. He isn’t going to hurt you, Bobby, the girls or your mom again. I mean it Kip.

Somehow he knew that Jesse meant every single word. The tone wasn’t loud or anything either but he could feel Jesse’s heart in each word spoken. It gave his own heart courage too as he felt the hope inside growing. Maybe after all there was a God, maybe at last he was seeing some light ahead.

I know you do. Jess… maybe when this is over, if it ever gets over, we can talk but…

Yeah I know, look, I didn’t mean to add to your headache, but I want you to know, ain’t nothing making me leave your side this time.

You don’t know how much I want you here Jess. It is just, I mean even if we get him, even if that is over there is still a whole heap of shit ahead of us. I can’t ask you to share in that.

No need to ask Kip, cuz I meant what I said. I ain’t running away. I don’t care what shit there is ahead of us. I want to be with you and fuck the rest. As long as I get to be with you, I’ll be happy.

You don’t know what you are getting into Jess.

Yeah I do.

Kip felt the burning sting of tears on his cheeks as he listened. It was something he had always wanted, something he had always thought would be denied him but here was Jesse, giving him exactly that. His whole body shook a little as the hope flowed upwards from his soul.

Jesse reached out suddenly and let the back of his hand touch the warm flushed cheeks of Kip’s face. He could feel the body shudder to his touch and he moved in closer, his leg now touching Kip’s. The jolt of electricity made his own body tingle with a strange sense of excitement. Something inside seemed to have been awakened by that simple touch and he moved in even closer, pressing his own body into Kip’s shivering one.

For a few minutes they just sat there, close and touching lightly each other’s face. Their thoughts were lost amongst the beat of their two hearts, both racing forward as they felt the presence of each other. It was strange to sit there, finally just holding hands and staring at each other in the darkness of the room. Even the cold metal of the guns they each had didn’t seem to stop the warmth from spreading between them.

Kip felt at peace, his fears still present but no longer threatening to overwhelm him. A sense of contentment came to him as he felt Jesse’s fingers run lightly across his cheek and then brush past his lips. His own eyes were still moist as he gazed into Jesse’s face, seeing the desire but feeling the love more. It was all he had ever dreamed of and here it was, waiting for him.

The room grew silent as only the steady thunder of two hearts filled their ears. Kip and Jesse sat there, lost in each other’s souls. Jesse felt a sense of acceptance that made him feel real for the first time in his memory. No more did he feel like the failure his father thought him to be. The press of Kip’s body into his made those thoughts vanish into the thin air that had a new scent to it.

Fear no longer permeated his nostrils but instead he could smell the fresh aroma of spring even though it was fall outside. Fragrances of flowers and ripe fruit filled his mind as his hands moved lightly down the beating chest of Kip’s body. The nerves in his fingers tingled as they felt beyond the hard bone of Kip’s ribs. He could feel the warmth inside and it made him shudder with anticipation and awe. To feel that someone like Kip could care for him or even want him made the nervousness evaporate. His body grew taut as he leaned forward, one hand resting lightly on Kip’s inner thigh, the other gently guiding Kip’s face towards his own.

His eyes stared into Kip’s face for just a second but it was all he needed. The pounding of his chest grew louder as his eyelids closed and his head tilted to one side, Kips’ face tilting to the other. His body grew harder as he came closer, smelling Kip’s skin. The scent of soap, the smell of sweat all mingled together as his lips brushed lightly against Kips mouth.

The electricity that passed between them made his body begin to sweat. The power of their touch seemed to make the ends of his toes curl up as he held Kip even tighter to him. He felt the press of Kip’s arms as they wrapped around his own trembling shoulders. Together they embraced each other while kissing deeply.

Jess felt the affection and yet as his tongue spread apart the willing lips of Kip’s mouth all he could think of was how lucky he was. Nothing could match the euphoria that now controlled his thoughts. Every muscle in his body was taut from the strain as he felt the welling up of tears in his own eyes as he kissed Kip harder and deeper with each aching beat of his heart.

The room swam before his eyes and yet as he held onto Kip’s body he could feel the love growing between them. His nerves no longer felt raw and jangled from the tension of the situation but instead felt excited and overjoyed. His whole body trembled as he felt Kip’s hand brush across his groin and move up to his belly. He felt the long fingers lightly pull at his shirt and then the hot flesh of his stomach shook as Kip’s hand moved across the rolling muscles.

Kip was lost amidst a sea of new sensations that engulfed him. His mind was lost to the constant change of sounds that came to his ears. There were the soft whispers of love, the loud cries of desire that echoed within and yet his mind knew no sound had come from Jesse’s mouth. The press of the tongue deep in his throat made that impossible yet he heard the words, felt them burn deep into his very soul as he held tightly to Jesse’s shaking body.

The pain in his legs grew too as he struggled to make every new sound, every new sensation last longer than it could. His body grew numb as his mind became overwhelmed by all that came to it. His soul now cried in relief as his flesh began to burn from the pent up emotions of a lifetime. He felt the tears rolling down his cheeks but ignored them. All he could think about was how lucky he was, how tonight was not an ending but a beginning.

Somehow he knew his shirt was open as he felt Jesse’s tongue moving down under his neck. He let his head tilt backwards, soft moans of joy escaping his lips as he surrendered to the urgent cries of his own soul. The wild beat of his heart began to hypnotize his mind. All thoughts of the danger that surrounded him was quickly vanishing amidst the growing pleasure that inundated his sense.

Just when he thought it was over, when the fear had finally been banished from his thoughts, the sound came to him. Jesse’s tongue seemed frozen against his chest as he too heard the sound. A cold chill flashed up his spine and he could feel it reach out to grasp at Jesse as well.

His hand that had been wrapped around Jesse’s naked side was suddenly touching the butt of cold metal. It no longer held the warm vibrating flesh of someone he loved but was instead reaching for an instrument of death and destruction. His heart was still pounding but now from fear and danger rather than love and desire. His whole body was now taut as the realization of where the sound had come from made him even colder than before.

Jesse…

I heard it…

Jesse was already standing up, his open shirt flowed around his shaking torso. One hand was now holding the gun, the other had picked up the cellular phone and he was desperately trying to one handed open it while Kip stared at him.

It came from near the girl’s bedroom…

——

He had watched the darkness creep over the house except for the faint glow of yellow that had to be from the main hallway. A thin smile crossed his face as he noticed the two shadows come into the front room. That would be Kip and the kid who showed up with that idiot sheriff. Well no matter, he wasn’t about to go in from the front anyhow.

Silently he moved across from his vantage point, letting his sense adjust to the surroundings. His eyes peered in all directions at once, or so it seemed. Nothing was amiss but then he knew it wouldn’t be. He had taken every precaution and soon he could leave this crummy town and get on with his life.

First though he had to make good on the promise he had made to that bitch he had married not to mention that punk kid of his. Too bad about the others but he didn’t need any of them. The girls might provide some relief if they weren’t too old now. He just couldn’t be bothered with trying to train them and as for Bobby, well he just wasn’t worth it. Time to cut his ties totally so he could move ahead.

It was all he had thought about since that stupid cunt had stood up to him. Putting an end to her and that faggot son had consumed him but he was smart enough to not let it distract him from the business at hand. As much as he could taste it, he didn’t let it take away from all of his years of experience. He had killed before but this was different, this was personal.

Silently he moved quickly into the position he had already chosen. He slithered down into it and let his body go still for several minutes, his ears tuned to listen for any unusual sound. His empty eyes peered into the darkness of the night for any strange movement, any strange bush out of place but inside he knew he was safe. That stupid town sheriff wasn’t close to his experience and he only wished he could see his face when the bodies would be discovered.

The notion of staying played in his mind for a second but he quickly pushed it away. While it would be entertaining he still knew the man could be dangerous and he didn’t take unnecessary risks. Time had moved on and the side of the house looked no different. There was a tiny crack of light showing from the window at the end and he knew that it was his daughters bedroom. He waited, knowing that soon it would be extinguished, and then it would be time for him to make his long planned move.

As time marched forward he felt the excitement building up inside of him. His body was rock solid and yet he could feel the growing erection between his legs as he approached that final moment. Soon he would achieve what he had swore he would do when that cow had testified at his trial. Soon though she would know for certain that he was a man of his word, soon she would feel once more his breath on her cheek, his voice in her ears as he ended her miserable life.

The clock in his mind finally rang out and he knew it was time. Slowly he peered once more around, checking out of instinct and nothing was out of place, just as he knew it would be. Quietly he let his body lift up and as he raised his head towards the house, a strange noise registered. In that split second he turned from his objective to stare out towards the front but it was too late.

As the sound of the rifle report began to echo along the quiet street, the life in Keith Tanner vanished. The bullet had been aimed true and it had found its mark easily. It had crashed through the bone of his forehead, just above the bridge of his nose, dead centre between his two eyebrows. The eyes were open still as the bullet had exploded within crushing his life with its power, his heart managing a beat or two before the signal from the brain was finally ended.

The force of the bullet hitting Keith Tanner had made the body leap upwards and then crumble backwards. Before it could hit the ground again and bounce loudly the life within had gone. From off in the distance, a figure rose up from out of the ground. Leaves fell from the body as man clad in black stood up to survey his nights work. A thin smile crossed his darkened face as he stood there, waiting. A long rifle pointed to the ground, coated in leaves and grass but a thin tendril of smoke seemed to curl from its muzzle as if it was taking a breath in the cool nights air.

From far off a siren could be heard and now lights were being turned on in neighbouring houses. The loud echo of the rifle shot still reverberated in the neighbourhood as nervous people began to realize what it was that they had heard. The man with the rifle simply stared at the crumpled body that had once been Keith Tanner. There was no pity in his eyes as he waited for the siren to come closer. What would happen next he wasn’t sure of, but at least this slime wouldn’t be walking around hurting anymore innocent kids.

As the noise of people cautiously looking out of their windows overtook his thoughts, he stared at the house where a tall young man stood. A gun was in his hand and next to him was another youth which he recognized. He smiled as he stared at the two boys, seeing their open shirts blowing in the soft wind that swirled around. Least now they would have a chance he thought as the sound of squealing tires coming to a stop made him turn around. He saw the Sheriff running towards him, gun drawn but as he slowly let the rifle fall to the ground he smiled and removed the black wool cap that covered his head.

From behind him he heard Kip’s surprised voice calling his name. He just stood there, knowing that for once all he had learnt in the military had been put to good use. As Kip called his name he saw recognition overtake the Sheriff who stopped in his tracks. He watched as the man looked at him and then over to where Keith Tanner lay, dead.

Boone… what the fuck…

Hey Sheriff, you might want to give old Sandy a call, seems he forgot some garbage when he picked up earlier.