Chapter 44

Myron

He sat back in the executive chair, leaning back with his foot resting on one of the bottom open drawers of his desk, giving him a way of stretching out. His arms were behind his head as he stared up at the corner of the ceiling trying to piece it all together. From experience he could tell that there was a damn good case of circumstantial evidence that could lead to some very interesting charges. At that his eyes grew narrow and the beat of his heart quickened as he felt the anger inside, the absolute hatred that seemed to come into his very being, his soul even.

The strength still of the anger surprised him as it had been hours since he first read the file, since he first started putting together the pieces that had been a jumbled mess before. Now it was coming together and making sense to him, still though the rage that burned inside of him was almost too much for him to take. How could she have missed all that he wondered for the thousandth time today; but then, he knew how things went, and how easy it was to miss something when your mind was convinced of something else. God, how many other kids had been left twisting he wondered as his eyes smouldered and his heart grew even more inflamed. How many more?

Myron’s feet hit the floor hard and he pulled himself back to his desk, staring down at the photocopied file that laid open there. He once more read the report and shook his head, knowing there wasn’t any choice but to file a complaint against Child Welfare, and that hurt more than he realized because he knew it meant that he was filing against her. She had known it too when he had broached it earlier in the morning, when she had come to his place and given him the copied file now on his desk. Her eyes had said it all and yet he still couldn’t quite forgive her even though deep inside all he had wanted to do was reach out and pull her close to him, but he hadn’t. He had let his anger, his mind‘s righteous indignation control his body, which he now regretted.

On top of all that, he had come to work to have to face Sam who really wasn’t such a bad person, just too full of himself at times, like this morning. The argument still rankled with him as he sat there, slowly fuming about the unfairness of life. He knew Sam meant well, was only looking out for the interests of the firm and the people who worked there, but what about justice? Didn’t he and his fellow workers become lawyers in order to seek Justice? Wasn’t that their guiding purpose in life itself or was it that if they were good enough they could bill out at $400 an hour?

His jaw was set as he took the file and stuffed it into his beaten brown leather briefcase, and as he closed the clasp, he knew that his time at the firm was numbered which surprisingly didn’t upset him like it would have just a week or so ago. Instead he only felt the fires inside grow as he thought about Sam and their brief battle out in the corridor that still remained unresolved. He knew about the board meeting as well, which only got him angrier. Didn’t Sam realize that with Abner they had a real Rabbi and not some damn glad hand politician type who kept the sermons short or politically correct? Maybe he didn’t know much about being Jewish but he could tell an honest person from a dishonest one and Abner Goldberg was honest. Myron’s eyes flickered as he stared at his desk and in that very moment he knew what his path would be.

Suddenly the anger left him as he reached out and picked up the phone, dialling directly and by passing the switchboard. He waited with his fingers tapping on the desk in irritation at the delay until finally his party answered. Myron didn’t even wait for the person’s shock to subside as he calmly said his piece and then with anticipation, he waited for the answer. He waited for maybe two or three seconds as the shock of his words registered to the other person who then quietly agreed and he smiled, saying goodbye and replacing the receiver onto the hook. He looked at the hand stretched out, saw the way it stood perfectly still despite the furor inside of his heart and soul. The die was cast now and he stood up, looking around the room and smiling to himself. It really was a nice office but he had something better in mind as he reached for his suit jacket and grabbed his briefcase.

Leaving the office, he walked down the plush carpeted hallways towards the more opulent part of the building. The carpet didn’t change but the ornate wall fixtures did as he passed heavy framed pictures of the law partners with various dignitaries and officials. His mood was rather strange he thought and yet as he stopped briefly at the private secretary and explained his need, he felt like he had just been reborn in a fashion. Maybe that was how those others felt when they had suddenly come to the realization that there was more to life than working, eating, and sleeping. It was rather exhilarating as he gave her a nod and walked into the large spacious office of the second senior partner of the firm, Sam’s office.

Sam didn’t look any different than at any other time. He had that same fixed smile on his face that he always had and he looked like the perfect senior litigant that he was, his suit jacket on, the tie perfectly straight, but it was the eyes that told you he wasn’t feeling so joyful. Myron saw those eyes as if for the first time and as much as he had respected Sam in the past, that was all water under the bridge. He could see that Sam still was smarting from their brief exchange this morning and in that brief glance, he could see that Sam was thinking that he was here to apologize. Myron’s smile grew as he stopped short of the desk, smiled and very plainly said:

“Sam, gai tren zich¹.”

The expression on Sam’s face would be something he would always cherish and remember as he turned around and left the office. It really felt good even though he hadn’t a clue how he was going to survive or make a living, but at least he knew that he would be his own man, that for once he could stand at the edge of the cliff and feel the breeze without wondering about falling off it. Damn it felt good as he whistled a little on his way to the parking garage and his car. He knew things would be tight but there suddenly seemed a whole new life waiting for him, one that he could be proud of, as he hurried to his car. Damn he felt like a school kid as he slipped behind the steering wheel and left the lot, heading towards Mayfair mall and the next step forward in his new found life.

Myron found a close parking spot to the entrance and on his way in he stopped at the bank of pay phones. Quickly he dialled the number and when he answered, he took a deep breath and spoke hurriedly, afraid that he would never have the courage to say what he wanted if he stopped even to take a breath. When he was finished, he heard the man give a small chuckle and wish him mazeltov². It was what he needed as he thanked him and hurried on inside. He couldn’t help but notice the stares he was getting but screw them, he was happy for the very first time since he had first decided to become a lawyer. Maybe he wouldn’t make it but he could always try elsewhere; but somehow, he just knew that he would make it, that whatever the world would throw at him he would cope, as long as his next step, his next plan, would go as he hoped.

Debbie & Steve Ferguson

She could feel the eyes on her, everyone was being very nice and discreet but she knew they were still all watching her, all whispering about her but she couldn’t stop it, nor did she really want to. Debbie never was a good looking lady, her looks relied way too much on makeup and all that junk to be presentable, but today she had abandoned all of that pretence. Her face had only a hint of lipstick on the full lips, her hair was merely brushed and not held in place by a can of hair spray or Bobby pins. There was no eye colouring, no eyelash liner or powders or anything. Nothing to hide the lines around the forehead, the deep dark bags that rested under her eyes, nothing to hide the puffiness of the eyes or the fact that they were bloodshot. She had come the way she was, and if they didn’t like it, tough for them, because if she had learnt one thing from all this, it was that she was who she was, no amount of makeup or creams would change that and if she didn’t like who she was, how in the hell could someone ever fall for her?

God it was strange to be sitting at her desk typing out what had to be the most difficult report she had ever written and be thinking about how good she felt for not wearing makeup. She had to be nuts or else very much in love and as much as her heart kept saying it was the latter, she rather doubted that it would ever amount to more than a fond memory. The way Myron had looked at her this morning was clearly a sign of how her mistake would cost her and she felt the tears welling up, knowing that it was only fitting that he be outraged. How could she not have seen it before but still, it would have been nice, almost like a fairy tale, if he had sloughed all that aside and just taken her into his big strong arms. If only he had, she thought but he hadn’t, but maybe in time, or maybe she was just trying to fool herself so that she could get through all this first, before falling apart?

As her fingers continued to punch out the report, she thought back on her life, on all the choices she had once made, and realized that the one she made last night was perhaps the most important one she had made since she first elected to come and work at Social Services. It was maybe even more important than that one, though she was certain that it would also mean the end of her career. She knew the ropes well enough, they would try to minimize their risk first of all, then they would need a scapegoat and who better than she for that role? Of course they would be shocked, even outraged maybe, but she knew it wasn’t real, she knew that there were hundreds if not thousands of such cases all the time, but what made this one different was that it would be made public. That is what would outrage them, but tough for them, because as much as she had thought about it, as much as she had tried to find a better way, there really wasn’t one. If she were to finally have any peace for herself, if she were to finally be at ease with her own spirit, then she had no choice. That had come to her as she had driven over to Myron’s apartment, knowing that he would pretend it wouldn’t affect them, knowing that it would be a lie. She had enough of lies so while he hadn’t reached out for her as she had secretly hoped, she wasn’t all that surprised or disappointed.

In some ways she knew that once all this settled, once she had done what she knew she had to do, then perhaps there would be time for musings, for dissecting it all; but for now, she just knew that she had one mission, one goal, and that was to finally put the monsters back into their cage where they belonged. It wouldn’t happen overnight, and all she really wanted was to have the time to be the one who did it, the one who finally brought those responsible for Cory Treat’s death to justice, as well as those who cost them Justin Fisher.

Her phone ringing startled her and as she answered she felt surprise, and turned to stare back behind her, where Steve Ferguson’s desk was. She saw him there, his face impassive but there was no mistaking his look, the one that told her that he had what she needed. Her body grew tense as she put the phone down and stood up and headed towards the coffee room, watching Steve move along a similar path himself. He had been gone when she had come to work this morning but a discreet check showed her note was gone and she knew he was out on the task she had requested. Now she was about to find the results out and all her pain, her sorrow was suddenly replaced by a growing sense of accomplishment.

Maybe she couldn’t bring Cory back, nor could she change how things had gone for Justin or Robbie Fisher, but she might just be able to change how it would turn out for the others and she knew there were others. How many Debbie wasn’t certain of, but if it were limited to a few dozen even she would be grateful, knowing in her heart that it most likely would be a lot more than that. She felt a bit sick at that thought, brushing her hair back with anger as her eyes held a strange gleam to them which many noticed as she passed by them. The whispers grew too and she could hear the buzz as she walked into the staff coffee lounge. No one was there as she walked over to the counter, making herself a coffee and noticing how her hand trembled a bit. Well, if what she had suspected was true, it wouldn’t just be her who would be trembling shortly, but a good number of other people as she heard a man’s step and her head turned to see Steve standing next to her.

“You look like shit, Debbie.”

“Thanks Steve, nice of you to have noticed.”

“Yeah well…”

“I know, so, you find out what I asked you to?”

“Uh huh, you sure you want this Debbie? I mean…”

“Never been more sure of anything in my life more than this Steve… so?”

He stared at her, seeing the way her hair was hanging and how plain she really looked and yet at the same time, there was something there that he had never really seen before. It was almost as if there were an inner beauty to her that had been hidden, almost a glow, if you will, that rather surprised him. He had never cared for her before but lately there was something about her that had finally piqued his interest, and now without makeup, looking so obviously like she had been up all night, he found himself being attracted to her in a way he never thought would happen.

“It looks like you were bang on, Debbie.”

Strange, but for a mere instant or two she thought that Steve was looking at her in an odd way, a way that she had seen Myron look at her and it startled her. Could Steve be attracted to her? Christ that was all she needed now, another complication but then it did feel kind of nice. She pushed aside the thought though, knowing that it was just a passing one, and wondering if Myron would call like he had promised or would he find an excuse to avoid her? She really wouldn’t blame him for that, but then she did sort of feel that he owed her a chance at explaining it more, at maybe making amends for it, but would he? She wasn’t sure if he would, even though it was her hope, and she scolded herself for wandering, for letting her fancy take hold when she needed to concentrate.

“Are you certain, Steve?”

“As certain as I can be without any hard evidence, but give me some time and I think I can get that. Hell Debbie, I am sure I can.”

“Legally?”

“Yeah, strictly by the book on this one Debbie, I don’t want this slime to get away on some technicality, not this time.”

Her eyes widened and stared hard into Steve’s face at that remark. She could see his desire, his fire to do exactly what he said, but she also saw the realization of his words hit him and for a brief moment she could see his regret for the choice of words. Well she couldn’t blame him for that, she had dropped the ball on this one and he had a right to be indignant, after all she felt that way and it was all her fault too. No, Steve was right and yet it was touching to see his care, to know that he hadn’t meant to hurt her by his remarks.

“Debbie…”

“It’s okay Steve, I don’t want to let him get away with this either.”

“I didn’t mean…”

“I know, so the big question is, how long to get what we need?”

He looked at her face, seeing the soft smile around the mouth, the way her eyes absolutely glittered now and he felt a twinge in his heart, wondering why he had never seen her this way before, wondering why he had let her façade always speak for her when there obviously was so much more to her? He shook his head and lowered his face, thinking that he was being foolish, knowing that he had a job to do and fanciful thoughts of forbidden romance was not the way to get the job done. Besides, as much as he was becoming attracted to her, he knew that he would never act on that, after all he had a life, and that life was too precious for him to toss aside because a co-worker had suddenly blossomed into something more.

Steve turned his mind back to the case in hand and he thought about the whole situation. If, and that was a big if, the guy had no inkling of what was going on, if he were so secure in his own invincibility, then they might catch a break; but given who this guy was, what he had been, he doubted if he would be that careless. Still, he had seen stranger things happen and maybe this time around the good guys could catch a decent break.

“Could be weeks or more Debbie, a lot depends on what he suspects or doesn’t suspect. Uh, have you told anyone else?”

In her heart she wanted to tell him but he looked so intent, that for now she didn’t feel right to have to explain even why she had told him let alone why he had been the first person she had talked to about it. Well that wasn’t really true, it wasn’t like they actually had discussed it, and she could see his face, the way it suddenly went white, and then how his eyes had narrowed as he had listened and how eventually he dropped them from her face, keeping them anywhere but on her. She could still feel the pain that caused and she quickly tried to divert Steve’s question.

“We can’t let it go on that long Steve, we need to nail this bastard soon.”

“I know, uh no one else knows, right? And, the file, you replaced it?”

“Huh? Oh, no, not yet, why?”

“Make two copies, then give it to me, I’ll see it gets back and make it look like it was only out till this morning.”

“What? How can you… I mean…”

Steve could tell that she was holding something back but the entire case rested on him doing his job, on getting the necessary details before the perp got wise. That was always the hardest part, trying to convince all those ‘by the book’ types that sometimes the book just didn’t cover certain things. He sighed a little wondering if the powers in charge ever considered who it was they were supposed to be helping, the kids or the damn sicko’s?

“Debbie, don’t ask… but if it is as I think, then that file is checked to see when or if it gets signed out and for how long. If it is out for any length of time, he might get suspicious, okay? You follow what I mean?”

“Yes, okay, uh, I already have some copies made, it is in my desk, the original that is…”

“Okay, put it in a large envelope and I’ll pick it up in say, 20 minutes, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good, now, can you authorize some OT?”

“Sure but…”

“I mean authorize it, but not submit it? I don’t want it to hit the channels for at least a few days, can you do that?”

Well she had asked for his help, but all those years of being the by the book freak was still ingrained inside of her. Her mind was quickly tabulating budget details when that damn voice once more intruded, once more nudged her and she realized how easy it would be to simply rely on the book and not put herself through this hell that she knew was about to come looking for her. Strange though, it didn’t seem to be as ominous as she had once thought. Maybe there was some truth in the old saying that no one was more free than someone who has nothing left to lose, and with how Myron had acted earlier, she really didn’t think she had anything else left to lose. Debbie bit her lower lip, a sob for the old self as she nodded and replied to Steve, feeling the burden ease a tad inside.

“Steve… yes I’ll do that.”

“Okay, then we are set, I’ll set up the team I need and…”

Panic suddenly hit her as she heard his words. This wasn’t what she wanted, not yet, not if she could help it. There was so much information needed still before she could put it all down, and the more people who were involved the greater the chance of discovery. What if she were wrong? What if she were still missing something and this guy wasn’t what she thought? God, could she cope with anymore screw ups or worse? Christ if she were wrong, this would ruin him and she already had first hand knowledge of how some reacted to that, all she had to do was look at the name on the file, or at the other file to know that to some it was a matter of life or death.

“Team? I thought you would…”

“I can’t do it alone Debbie, I need help and don’t worry, these guys, I can trust them, besides, they won’t really know all the details, okay?”

“Okay, I suppose I have to rely on your experience, still the more people who know…”

“They won’t talk; besides I have a cover I can use.”

“What sort of cover?”

“I don’t know, perhaps that it’s an extortion attempt or something like that.”

“Will that work?”

It was a gamble, but he knew the risks involved with too many added people, not to mention how some loved to talk when a big name was involved and this guy was one of those. Maybe it would work, not for long perhaps but maybe long enough to get what they needed, assuming it was there to be found. That was the other trouble, it looked good on the surface but maybe the guy wasn’t what they thought? Maybe they were still missing something; after all they hadn’t caught this before, maybe this time they were too eager to look elsewhere instead of within? Damn this case, and damn her too, come to think of it. She had certainly gotten under his skin with this one, but then this was why he had become an investigator, and why he stayed in this miserable paying job too.

“Should, given who it is, just should work, plus it can help to keep it quiet, keep them from discussing it with their wives and all.”

“Okay.”

“Good, now have you told anyone else?”

Maybe it was why she had gone to Steve in the first place, because he was like a bull dog who wouldn’t let go of something until he had the answers all lined up. Still she wished he had just this once not been so persistent. There was no way to back out either and if she lied, well he’d find out and then where would this case go? She was asking him to do things that could jeopardize his own job, so how could she not tell him?

“Yes… but he won’t tell anyone, I know him, so…”

“Shit… who? I need to know Debbie, someone in the office? Who?”

“Myron, Myron Schecter, he’s…”

His heart seemed to stop for an instant and a cold sweat began to bead around his forehead and under his arms as he recognized the name. The guy was a damn lawyer no less and worse, one of those child advocate types. He came across like some avenging angel at times and idealistic people scared him, because they generally weren’t predictable. God, how could she have told him and why for Christ’s sake? Why would she… and as the thought hit him he took a closer look at her, and it struck him that maybe there was a lot more to Debbie Winston than he had ever given her credit for. Could she be in love with the guy? My God he thought, if she were, then this case got a whole lot more complicated. Damn women, always mixing work with their private lives. Now what could he do?

Steve stared at her for what seemed like hours but which in fact was only a few seconds of time. In that time he got over his shock and began to calculate how he could turn this to an advantage for them. It might work out, but he’d have to feel the guy out to get a sense of what he was up to before he went much further, but would Debbie allow it? His heart raced a little as he vented some of his frustration at her indiscretion and while he tried to come up with how to make this work for him.

“Christ, he’s a lawyer for that Fisher kid, Debbie how could you? Damn… this could…”

“He won’t say anything Steve, he’s a good guy, he’s smart too, he won’t tip our hand.”

“Still… I think I should talk to him, uh, that okay?”

“Huh? I suppose, but Steve I know him, okay? He won’t tip our hand, least not without warning me, you’ll have to trust me on that.”

“I guess… I think I still should talk to him Debbie.”

Debbie felt a sense of relief in a way that Steve took charge. She also felt that maybe, if Steve talked to Myron, maybe he might see things a bit differently than he had earlier this morning, plus, well it might help her with him too. God, was she really thinking this way? How could she even think about herself when kids were at risk and yet part of her still was a woman, still human, and she knew that she wanted him, that she couldn’t just let things end the way they had this morning.

Christ, if Steve did talk to him, it just might turn him more against her, maybe he would think she had Steve do this in order to explain things better or to have him run interference for her, but it would have to be a risk she’d have to take. Steve was insisting and in some ways, least for the case, it most likely was necessary. It was a dilemma she didn’t particularly relish but she really had no choice. Besides, there was just the slightest of chance that it could help her personally, definitely it would help the case, so she knew she couldn’t refuse his request.

“Go ahead, I just want you to know, he’s one of us, well, one of the good guys, okay?”

“I get it Debbie, I won’t be a bull in a china shop, fair enough?”

“Haha, yeah, fair enough Steve.”

“Okay, give me a few minutes, we have to get that file back.”

“Okay, I’ll uh stay and finish my coffee.”

“Okay, uh, should I call you if anything breaks?”

“Damn better… and Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“No sweat, uh, nice to have you on our side… 5 minutes.”

She watched him leave and then she took her coffee to one of the small tables and sat down, stirring the half empty cup that had gone cold already. She sipped at it, her mind wondering about so many different things. Could she be wrong about all this? Was she wrong about Myron? Maybe if she hadn’t pushed him this morning, instead maybe waited a little, but after reading the file, what choice did she have? It was important, and he could get some information that might make all the difference in the world, information that just might help or at least clarify things, so wasn’t that worth it?

Her heart was heavy as she stared down into the dark liquid of the cup, realizing she hadn’t put any cream or sugar in it and had drunk almost half of it. Damn, her mind was all over the place, which wasn’t good, and yet she knew she couldn’t go home, not yet, not until she made a few more calls, called in a few more favours.

She looked around the dingy coffee room and wondered what she was doing? Why was she letting herself get so emotional about this, but in her heart she knew the answer, always knew it but only now was she at least willing to admit it. She was doing this simply because it was in her nature to do it. She cared for kids, even wished that she had her own but it was too late for that now, and without a man in her life, it was impossible. Maybe it was the fear of having to commit to someone other than herself that had led her to this stage of her life, had made her choose a career that when you thought about it, really hadn’t been fulfilled either. God what a mess she was but then she thought back to earlier, to see how a simple plain man had turned everything around, had taken the high powered Margaret Sinclair and reduced her to a boiling mass of anger and impotence, all in a few short sentences. How could he do that and yet thinking about it, she realized how could he not have done it?

And what about Myron? She had listened to him before talking about how maybe he needed to get out from the corporate world he was in and do what mattered, do what he had chosen to do a long time ago but which had eluded him for the most part, until now. The way he had suddenly taken on Robbie’s case, the way he seemed so passionate about getting to the truth, not to the legal niceties but to the honest to God truth. It was like watching someone being reborn in a sense, the way they were at one second thrusting out, kicking and pushing and then the next hesitating, holding back a little, waiting for some nudge, and then when the right nudge came, out they came, wailing and thrashing around as if suddenly free from all restraints.

What was it that the Rabbi had said to Margaret? Something that he answered to a higher authority than she, that he answered to a God who didn’t demand much, only that his children try to do what was right; and so to him, he couldn’t see his way to charge Neil, because it wasn’t to him what was right. Funny, it had sounded so noble, so sappy really, almost what you would expect from some movie or something and yet she could see his face, see the doubts that he had and yet, too, she had seen something else in his face. It was that unknown something that gave him the force, the will and she had seen that same look in Myron’s face too. Could it be that simple?

Whatever it was that he had and shared with Myron it was something that made them both make choices without regard for the human consequences. Myron was willing to risk his entire livelihood in order to follow his dream of what law should be. The Rabbi was willing to put his entire career on the line for standing up to what he believed in, in protecting his children and in being a father. Maybe that was what was inspiring her. Could it be that there really was a God?

Christ she was starting to become a mystic and she shook her head and stood up and tossed the coffee into the wastebasket. It really didn’t matter why anymore, she had made her choice and she would see it through to the end, even if that meant she would lose whatever it was that might have been with her and Myron. It made her sad but she knew she couldn’t let this go, not if she wanted to sleep at nights, even if that meant sleeping alone for the rest of her life.

Tommy Fisher

It felt good to be back in his own home, even if the memories of her still haunted him and even if they still made him tremble a little at being alone without her, still it was better than sitting in some hospital ward, listening to the pain of others. Being there had certainly scared him and yet in some ways he knew that death would not be the end of it for him. Somehow he knew that when the time came he would welcome it because it would mean going back to her, and that was really all he wanted to do, to be with her and to hold her once again, to feel her and listen to her.

He shook his head a little as he sat in the big easy chair and waited for Pastor Deke to bring him the glass of water from the kitchen. It was nice of the Pastor to have taken the time to bring him home from the hospital and to even sit with him for a bit, but then he knew that the man was also doing his job. They had talked briefly about the weather and his condition, and Tommy could tell that the man had something else on his mind and he had a good idea what it was.

Thinking about Justin was still a terrific pain for him, it still made him tremble as he thought about someone so young having been taken from the land of the living, but he knew in his heart that at least now, his grandson was at peace. He felt he had failed Justin, failed him in the way that maybe was a cause of it all and that this was God’s own way of punishing him, of making him realize the enormity of his failure. Tears were always close these days but more so now as he could see Justin’s shining face, but even as the image flashed before him, he knew that as much as the mouth was smiling, the eyes were dark, never filled with simple laughter or joy. It was what he had known but had refused to accept, until now. His tears rolled down his face and unlike other times, he didn’t feel shame for it, he didn’t angrily wipe them away as was his habit, instead he sat there, letting them fall as his heart grew heavier and his pain only grew stronger.

Being in that hospital bed had given him a lot of time to think, to reflect and he could still hear his own arguments, his own voice trying to explain it all away but there was no escaping the reality of it. His oldest grandson had tried to kill himself and his youngest had allowed himself to die, and it was his fault and his fault alone. He knew better, he should have spoken up long ago but he had thought it wouldn’t happen again, he had thought that it was something best left for time to heal: but time hadn’t healed it, time had only made it all worse and now he sat there, alone knowing that Justin would never be here again, that he would never come to see him and spend time together.

Tommy’s eyes moved across the room to the small table next to the two chairs, the chessboard still there and the pieces still in the same position as when he and Justin had left it. His heart ached as he could see Justin sitting in the chair, his face all tight and his eyes squinted as he tried to figure out the next move, as his mind churned over all the possibilities of what his move would mean. That was his Justin, always trying to think ahead, always trying to anticipate.

It was at that table where Justin had told him how he had felt about Robbie, about how betrayed he felt by Robbie suddenly leaving and not trying to contact him. It was there that Justin had made him swear on grandmother’s grave that he would never tell a living soul about how much he missed Robbie, or how hurt he felt by Robbie’s leaving but more importantly about how he wished his dad would love him like he had loved Robbie. It all came out there, by that table when they would sit for hours, maybe making one or two moves each but it wasn’t the game that Justin came for, it was the chance to talk, to be himself without having to fear retribution and he, Tommy had cherished those moments. Now they were gone because he cherished those moments too much, he should have been willing to risk them to do what he knew he must do now, and still he was hesitant, still he felt frightened and alone.

If only he had been less afraid of being alone, of Justin not understanding. If only he had the courage to have stood up and done what he knew in his heart was the right thing, maybe then God wouldn’t have taken his Justin, wouldn’t have taken his last shred of joy. The tears came fast now as he sat there, beating himself up over his lack of strength and even the sound of Pastor Deke coming into the room didn’t stop the tears or even phase him. He no longer cared if he appeared weak to others, after all he was weak, why shouldn’t they all know it, so the tears were left to flow unabated, unimpeded.

The whole morning had passed like a blur to him in some ways; in other ways he couldn’t believe how early it still was and how much was left of the day. His mind was torn and rushing hither and yonder as he tried to collect his thoughts, tried to figure out how he could make a bad situation at least palatable. Trouble was he kept seeing the Rabbi’s wife, seeing those eyes peering into his and he knew in his heart that she would never believe any of his trite lies. She would see past it all and he knew that even the Rabbi would see past it, and yet what could he do? Could he really risk a scene at something as solemn as a funeral simply to appease his sense of honour?

It was weird how things worked out. There he was sitting at the Fisher home talking about caskets, about pall bearers, when the hospital had phoned asking if anyone there could come to pick up Mr Fisher senior, as he was being released. Sharon had seemed upset by the call, well not upset but more put out by it, as if it were more important to have the little details worked out, such as what to dress Justin’s body in, what type of colour to have for the lining, whether to go with the brass handles or chrome ones. Walt even seemed uninterested in it, claiming that he had to see the cemetery people to sign the papers for the plot, then that he would need her to come with him to the bank to sign the loan papers so they could pay for all this. Neither of them seemed willing to go, so he had volunteered out of a spur of the moment thing which surprised them all, including himself.

Sharon had smiled at him, taking his hand and calling him a dear; Walt had leaned back in his chair and told the hospital that Pastor Johnson would come for his father, and he seemed to suddenly feel at ease. He couldn’t put his finger on it but it was almost as if they were relieved in not having to deal with the old man. Granted, Tommy could be stubborn and even ornery at times, but he wasn’t a mean man and he was suffering Justin’s loss too, yet it didn’t seem that Walter or Sharon worried about that. They were too busy planning and deciding on trivial matters such as should they allow anyone to attend the home after the funeral, or should they restrict it to those who attended at the cemetery or to friends? It was these types of questions that made him agree so quickly to picking up Tommy, because it would allow him to leave this inane chatter and surreal atmosphere.

He couldn’t explain it to himself either, as all the way to the Hospital at Helmecken Road he kept trying to figure out what it was that was nagging at him. Why was he being so cold towards the Fishers when they had just lost a young son? Their actions weren’t really any different than what many others in their situation did, it was all a part of the process. The bereaved would reach for anything to hold onto, to try and stem the agony and sorrow that came from such a loss and yet, somehow, this was different or at least appeared different to him. Maybe it was simply that he hadn’t been sleeping well at night so was tired, maybe that was all it was but somehow he knew it wasn’t.

While he had waited for the nurse to find a wheelchair to help take Tommy out to the car, he felt ashamed of himself at how he had so quickly left the Fisher home, how quickly he had turned his back on the problems. He should have stayed and tried to change their minds about Robbie and about the Goldbergs, but he hadn’t. Maybe that was also why he was feeling so guilty now, for not confronting them, for not forcing the issue but he had recognized the steel in Sharon’s voice, and he knew she would indeed hire security people to keep them out. Least this way Robbie could still attend, and that was important. Granted both Sharon and Walter were insistent on Robbie not being included in the family group but maybe he could work on that too, which was also maybe why he had come for Tommy. Perhaps he could have Tommy intercede but then that idea, while being attractive, also made him cower a bit too. Wasn’t what he was doing simply trying to avoid the problem, wasn’t he simply trying to pass the buck on to someone else and so what if he was, wasn’t he entitled?

All the way back to Tommy’s house he had made nothing but small talk, desperate to ask for his help and yet afraid to. In many ways he wasn’t sure if he should or even if Tommy were in any position to help, but then there was that damn voice inside, nagging at him telling him it wasn’t for Tommy to do, but was for him to do. How could he do it and still keep the services from erupting into a nightmare? Wasn’t it bad enough what had already happened to the Synagogue and if he pushed for the Goldbergs to attend, what would that lead to?

No he couldn’t risk all that simply to appease some voice inside of him, he had others to consider, such as the parents. They had suffered enough and to push them to go against how they felt right now, well that wasn’t very considerate of him and if it were only to make himself feel better, well his feelings shouldn’t matter. Sure it wasn’t right for them to exclude them or Robbie, but Justin was their son, and so rightfully they should make those decisions. Funny, the more he tried to sell that notion to himself, the more his stomach seemed to ache and the more his throat became dry and irritated, as if he were choking on a piece of raw meat or something.

Bringing in the glass of water, he saw how the old man looked and he wondered if maybe they hadn’t released him a bit soon. His colour was still off and he had walked from the car to the house with a very unsteady gait, but he had made it none the less. Pastor Deke also wondered if he should be left alone, if perhaps there shouldn’t be someone staying here with him until at least after the funeral but he doubted if Sharon or Walter would agree to that. Somehow he also doubted that Tommy would agree to either of them staying with him and for the life of him, he couldn’t explain why he had that notion either.

As he came into the living room he noticed how Tommy sat in the big easy chair, how his body seemed to suddenly be engulfed by the size of the chair and yet Tommy wasn’t exactly the picture of an old decrepit man. Yet sitting there now, he seemed so small, so frail that it frightened him a little and he wondered if maybe his wife could help, maybe she could find a parishioner who would come and stay but even as he thought about it, he knew who should come, who should be here.

Pastor Johnson saw the tears, saw the way they rolled down the pallid face and how Tommy merely sat there, his focus on the far end table with the chessboard. Deke had wondered about that before and he thought maybe it was something Tommy and his wife had shared, but now, seeing the way Tommy was looking at it and crying, he wondered if it held some other significance?

“Here you are, Tommy.”

“Oh thank you Pastor, uh just set it down on the table please.”

“Certainly, you okay? Can I maybe get you something to eat?”

“Eat? No, no I am not hungry right now, I’ll get something a bit later Pastor.”

There was no mistaking the man’s pain, it was clearly written all over his aged wrinkled face and Pastor Johnson felt sorry for the man, knowing that it was a terrible thing to have to bury a grandson so early in his young life. Yet, it was all a part of living and maybe in that Tommy might gain some peace though he doubted it.

“Well, you have to eat Tommy, you need your strength.”

“Strength? I suppose, but I doubt if any food will give me the kind of strength I need.”

“I know, but still, your body does need food Tommy.”

“I will eat, later Pastor… do you play chess Pastor?”

The way Tommy spoke, with such a forlorn sound to his words and the hangdog expression that held Pastor Deke’s gaze, was something he was used in times like this. The grieving process was never easy for the elderly, though you might think it would be given their age and all. Still looking at Tommy he could see more than just grief, but it was almost as if he had something pressing, something that was weighing heavily on his heart.

His sudden change in topics was a relief to him and yet also it began to be a bit disconcerting. Pastor Johnson wondered if maybe Tommy weren’t really well enough to be home, and he began to mentally calculate how he could arrange for someone to see him, or at least come and look after the old man. He doubted if Tommy would even remember to eat, let alone actually eat. It was all a part of this whole process of death and yet it irritated him too. Couldn’t Tommy realize that by ignoring his own needs, he wasn’t helping but hindering those who needed to go on? Didn’t he seem to know that right now his strength was needed to help heal his own son’s pain as well as his?

“Chess? Not really, I can in a very limited way, it is a bit too tedious for me I think.”

“Really? Funny, I loved it, now I don’t know… it is a good game when you need to clear your head, did you know that?”

“Uh no, don’t think I ever thought about it that way, Tommy.”

“Most don’t, my wife, God rest her soul, never really cared for it, neither did Walter as a kid, mind you his brother enjoyed it. We used to play it constantly while Walter, well he was always out somewhere chasing the girls I suspect.”

“I see, uh, do you play anymore?”

“Used to… Justin and I, he would come over every Tuesday night and sometimes Thursday nights too, we would sit for hours playing chess, listening to music and just… the funeral Pastor, when is it?”

Justin played chess with Tommy? That was something he never knew and it was a surprise. From all accounts Justin wasn’t the type who would enjoy something like chess, even if it were with just Tommy. Was there another side to Justin that he wasn’t aware of? He racked his brain for some clue, some hint that he might have missed as he struggled with all that was going on in this terrible tragedy. From what he knew, Justin was a wild normal teenager who loved sports, who loved to compete in manly games like football, basketball, but chess? That seemed so out of character for him, now if Tommy had said Robbie, well maybe he might believe that, but Justin?

Pastor Johnson could feel his mind reeling a little as the confusion was taking hold of him. He couldn’t understand what it was, but he knew that there was something that Tommy was leading up to, something that maybe he didn’t want to hear, at least not right now. He blurted out the answer to Tommy’s question and yet even as he spoke, he could feel that damn voice again, nagging at him and distracting his mind as he tried to placate the older man, tried to comfort him a little in this time of grief and pain and yet the more he tried to focus, the louder that damn voice became.

“Monday, at 2pm.”

“I see… have Walter and Sharon seen to everything? Of course they have, sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Sharon is a very good organizer, I am sure she even has the lining all picked out to match Justin’s clothes.”

“Well, uh yes, everything is pretty well looked after Tommy, uh, the services will be in the Chapel at McCall’s, then a short service at the graveside. I believe the limousine will pick you up first, then Sharon and Walter and then head to McCall’s…”

“I see… and Robbie? When does the limousine pick him up?”

Damn he had walked into that one with both feet. Now how could he get out of this? The old man’s eyes were fixed on his face and he couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand to feel the man’s questioning look that seemed no less intense than the one Adele Goldberg had given him the other night. His heart grew still as his palms became sticky from sweat. He had hoped to avoid this issue but it was there, he couldn’t not answer him and he prayed that he would say the right thing, that he could minimize the coldness of Sharon and Walter’s decision.

“I… uh… it won’t Tommy, I mean that… well…”

“Who decided that Pastor? Walter or his loving wife? No, don’t tell me, I think I know. It was Sharon, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, but, well they were both in agreement Tommy, I am sorry. I know this is hard for you, and I am hopeful that they will change their mind on this, but after all Justin was their son, it is their decision to make.”

“Is it? I wonder Pastor, I wonder.”

Just what did he mean by that he wondered? Again the nagging voice was shouting at him, telling him ‘see, even the old guy doesn’t believe you’ and yet how could Tommy know how he was feeling? How could he know that he was uncomfortable about the Fisher decision and yet it seemed like he did know, and was challenging him in a way that made him look away from Tommy all together.

“Well, they are the parents. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but at least they aren’t forbidding Robbie from attending the services, so…”

“Yes I guess we can be thankful for that can’t we? But what about Justin, Pastor? He wouldn’t have wanted it this way.”

“Well, I am not sure, I don’t think he would have wanted any kind of a scene either, and well… to be frank, I gather he wasn’t too thrilled recently with Robbie and by some of Robbie’s uh, uh recent lifestyle choices.”

“Oh? Is that from Sharon?”

“She did mention something along those lines, Tommy. I know how much this pains you, but after all Justin was their son, they knew him best and I think that for all concerned it is probably best that we try to keep the rancour to a minimum, don’t you?”

“Very diplomatic of you Pastor, but I think I knew what Justin would like more than either of those two would, and I know that as much as Justin felt confused by Robbie’s choices, he would want him there, close to him and not stuck somewhere in back.”

Tommy’s voice was so soft, so quiet that he had to strain a little to hear him and yet once he made out the words, he could feel their effect inside of him. Diplomatic he had said, which maybe was a compliment but in his heart he could feel the disdain for such a word, in his soul he could feel the distaste of being called a diplomat. It wasn’t his job to be a diplomat; it was his job to administer God’s will, to pass on God’s words and laws, not to make excuses for ignoring those words, those sentiments.

Once more Pastor Johnson felt the struggle growing inside of him, feeling like that kid who had first decided that he wanted to be part of God’s army, that he wanted to bring HIS truth to his fellow citizens, and now here he was, after decades of doing what he thought was Gods work, he was being credited for being a diplomat. Had he strayed that far from his chosen path?

“Yes, well, you might be right Tommy but it is their decision after all, I mean…”

“You mean I am just a doddering old man who should stick to his own affairs, don’t you Pastor?”

“No I don’t Tommy, I just think that there is enough sorrow and pain here. We don’t need to make it any worse, now do we?”

“Do we? I don’t know, what about Robbie? What has he said about this?”

“Uh, well, I haven’t had a chance to discuss it with him yet; however, I am planning to later this afternoon.”

He glanced over at Pastor Johnson, saw how he could barely look at him and yet even as he stared at him, he could see for himself the turmoil that was consuming the Pastor. Tommy hadn’t been watching as he kept remembering other things, kept seeing other images before him even though his eyes had been fixed on the Pastor’s face. Now he could see him and he wondered what it was that had him in such a state? He could see the doubts as they raced across his face and he could also see the shame, and even anger. Funny, but for the first time Tommy took a close look at Pastor Johnson and he could only see a reflection of his own self there. Pastor Johnson was as scared as he was, was as doubtful as he was which stunned him a little.

“Not something you want to do either is it Pastor? I can see it in your face, just as I don’t want to do what I should have done many years ago myself. Funny isn’t it Pastor, how we can always find a way to justify our inability to act, to excuse not doing what we know in our hearts is the right thing to do?”

He closed his eyes for a second praying for help and yet even as he thought the words out, he knew that the answers were not what he had wanted, and it frightened him but also saddened him. He couldn’t understand Tommy’s mood right now, and that worried him. Worse though was that he didn’t understand his own mood any more than Tommy’s. His heart continued to beat, his lungs continued to breath, his blood continued to flow regularly and yet Pastor Johnson had this strange feeling that he was caught in a net of suspended time. Nothing seemed to be changing or moving, almost as if the world was suddenly stopped, waiting for the next shoe to drop from the heavens. Deke felt himself shudder, a little a tremor of fear raced through his body even, as his mind coped with trying to answer this man, tried to impart some comfort for the decisions made by others.

“It is not easy sometimes Tommy, things aren’t really black or white. There is a lot of grey in the world. There are other people’s feelings to take into account, and…”

“Who takes Robbie’s feelings into account, Pastor? He was Justin’s brother, and Justin loved him, loved him in a way that I wished my boys would have loved me, and yet that doesn’t count does it, Pastor?”

“Of course it does Tommy, but right now, well, Robbie’s presence is a reminder of only more grief, more sorrow at a time when they need to focus on the one, to let their hearts try to heal from this terrible blow. Surely you can see the wisdom in that can’t you?”

“Wisdom? What wisdom is there in compromising one’s principles, Pastor? Is it wise to avoid a scene simply because some might be uncomfortable. Is it wise to simply turn our face away from an injustice simply because we don’t want to have to answer to it? I have seen what silence does, Pastor. I have seen how being silent, how avoiding a scene, can lead to chaos and destruction. I was there Pastor, I saw those faces staring out from behind the barbed wire. It was wise back then, too, to not admit to what man was doing, but I saw it, I still do, every night I see it in my nightmares, and now I have one more vision to haunt me. So is that wisdom, Pastor, or is it simply cowardness?”

Pastor Johnson was feeling exasperated by Tommy’s words and he was tired too. This wasn’t how he imagined this would go and yet even as he thought that, he knew that nothing about this whole situation was going the way he had thought it would go. Everything was so confused, so mixed up and in such turmoil that he wasn’t even sure now which day it was. He felt beaten, but despite that tiredness he tried to once more explain it to Tommy, to try and convince him that it was prudent to accept this course of action then make a scene about it.

“I can’t answer that, Tommy, because I don’t know the answer to it. I know that causing a scene at the funeral will not help anyone, not Sharon or Walter, not you, and certainly not Robbie.”

“It might Pastor, Robbie deserves his place beside Justin, he protected him when no one else would Pastor, he must not be abandoned now, he needs this, can’t you see that?”

“No, I am sorry, I don’t know what it is you are saying Tommy. I know Robbie has his own problems right now, but whether he sits with his parents or not, it won’t change that nor will it diminish the importance of his presence. Surely it would be better if he were seated with all of you but…”

“You said McCall’s, didn’t you Pastor?”

“Huh? Yes I did, but…”

“They have two private rooms in each chapel, don’t they, Pastor?”

At first it didn’t register on his brain but as he looked up and stared into the old man’s face he could see a sort of glow in the man’s face. For the first time since he picked him up he also saw a hint of colour returning to the old man’s face. It was like he was being galvanized into something, as if something inside of him had suddenly been switched on and he leaned back in his chair, trying to think this through.

“I… yes, come to think of it they do.”

“Fine, then, Robbie and I will sit in one, let Sharon and Walter be in the other one, and you can have McCall’s send two limousines, Pastor, one for my dear son and his sweet loving wife and the other for me and my grandson.”

For a doddering old man Tommy Fisher still had his mind and the more he let the notion sink in, the more hope he felt that he could work this out to everyone’s satisfaction. He was secretly pleased at it too and chided himself for not thinking of it on his own and yet even as he felt that strange sense of hope, he also felt the nagging doubts again. Once more he could hear Tommy’s voice and this time he clearly heard the sarcasm, the way Tommy had looked only for a second when he had spoken and then something else came to Pastor Johnson’s mind. His eyes stared at the old man as he heard him speak about Robbie, about how he had protected Justin, but protected him from what? What secret was behind that comment and as he looked fully into Tommy’s eyes he felt the apprehension growing inside.

“Well, that is possible I suppose Tommy, it will add to the funeral costs though and…”

“I will pay for it, I have money tucked away, but Robbie sits up front. I will not have it any other way, Pastor.”

“I can see what I can do Tommy, but I can’t guarantee you that it will happen. It really isn’t your place to decide this…”

“Pastor, I wasn’t asking.”

“I don’t…”

“I will talk to my son and his wife, you make the arrangement with McCall’s please, the rest I will manage.”

Pastor Johnson had never heard Tommy’s voice like this before. There was an edge of steel to it that made him blink as he stared at the old man. There was nothing different about Tommy, his face maybe had a bit of colour showing now but there was nothing else different. The eyes still looked dull and filled with pain and sorrow. The body still seemed to be overwhelmed by the chair itself and yet, there was something different that he just couldn’t describe.

If he listened to Tommy and made the arrangements as outlined by Tommy and the Fishers objected, he could at least plead that he had thought it would be in order, after all Tommy was the senior member of the family, and it would at least let him off the hook. Why did that thought suddenly irritate him and before he could even acquiesce to Tommy’s quiet but determined plea, the doorbell rang giving him the opportunity to avoid further discussion.

Tommy had been staring at the Pastor when the doorbell intruded and he glanced away to look at the clock on the mantelpiece. His eyes focused on the time and he leaned back more into the chair, knowing that his moment of truth had arrived. He prayed silently hoping that his courage would not fail him now, that he could do what he had set out to do.

“Pastor would you mind getting that for me? It should be Rabbi Goldberg and his wife.”

“Rabbi Goldberg? I mean… uh…”

Tommy could see the beads of sweat starting to form and drip down the Pastor’s face and he wondered if maybe the man was coming down with something. He certainly didn’t look very well and the mention of the Goldbergs seemed to have set something off with him. Strange, he didn’t think that Pastor Johnson held any differences with the Goldbergs but it sure appeared like they weren’t his favourite people to see right now.

“Yes, I asked them to come by, there is something I thought, well, there are some things I need to explain to them.”

“I see, well, uh, sure I’ll uh let them in for you, uh, are you sure you are up for visitors Tommy? I mean you just got out of hospital and all…”

“I am certain Pastor, come to think of it, I would appreciate it if perhaps you could stay for a bit? This isn’t easy for me, I could use your support, a friendly face, you know?”

“Well… uh, I don’t know, uh, let me uh let me let the Goldbergs in first, then uh we’ll uh, we’ll see, okay?”

Pastor Johnson rose from his seat quickly and hurried to the front door just as the second ring of the bell began to chime through the still house. For whatever reason he could hear his heart pounding over the sound of the chimes and he felt the chill running up and down his spine as he came to the door.

Tommy watched the man almost leap from the chair and hurriedly go for the front door and he sat back, wondering what it was that had the Pastor on such edge? Of course, having to deal with his daughter-in-law and his son certainly wouldn’t put one in a good frame of mind, still there seemed to be something else on the Pastor’s mind and Tommy wondered just what it could be?

While he waited for the Goldbergs to be let in, he thought about all that had gone on. It was typical of Sharon to have everything organized, and to just cut Robbie out hadn’t really surprised him that much. Hell, the first time he had caught Justin and Robbie, he had acted no differently; but it wasn’t for the same reasons, or was it? Was he that ashamed of his grandsons, or was there a different explanation?

His heart grew quieter as he sat there thinking about how for a long time Justin and Robbie stopped coming around and then one day, one Tuesday evening after supper, his doorbell had rung and there they were, Robbie and little Justin. Strange how they both looked so nervous, so like little angels, as they stood on his front porch. Neither of them could look at him and for a moment all he could see was their two bodies in that grotesque contortion but then he saw Robbie’s face, saw him glancing up at him and it struck him then, that Robbie was different than he had been. He could see fear but there was something else, there was defiance in his eyes which Robbie was trying to hide, almost as if the contrite look was for show, not real.

He had to admit he was glad to see them, even if their last visit had ended in screams and accusations. To be honest, he had missed their company so he decided to simply not mention that incident, which seemed to be his pattern wasn’t it? He thought about that now, hearing the Rabbi’s voice and the Pastors. He never did confront the issues, least not until now and he wondered if he could? If Pastor Johnson would stay, he thought he could, if he left, he wasn’t sure, so as the image of a silent Robbie walking in with a frightened Justin flashed before him, he readied himself for what was to come, and his prayers passed from his heart upwards just as his quests arrived. So with a strange sense of resolve, he sat upright in the chair no longer being dwarfed by it as his guests entered the room.