Novel - The Secret (49)
Chapter 49
Debbie
Steve’s call had her troubled as she wondered what else it was that she must have missed. Her mind couldn’t let go of the image of Cory Treat as she had last seen him, that twisted face so hurt and sorrowful. His eyes had looked almost empty as if in that instance he knew that he would never survive. How could someone so young be so empty of hope? It still gave her chills and now the whole Fisher case was giving her those same chills. There was something happening that she just couldn’t get a handle on, something that linked them all together.
After reviewing the file she was almost positive that it had to be the Judge. Who else but a Judge could have the power to wiggle out of trouble and who knows, alter records or see that they somehow were misplaced. There was no doubt in her mind back then that some files had gone missing, specifically the school where Cory had attended. She didn’t think the parents could do it on their own; they had to have had help, but who?
Her mind was into the case and into getting to the files and back in time for Steve. She didn’t want to get into any deep discussion with Myron right now but still, she was glad he was here. His voice on the buzzer was out of breath in a way and yet scared too, which piqued her interest only slightly. Her focus was on the Treat case as she wondered what could be in that case file that had Steve all hepped up? Could the clue be there but why was he so positive that the Judge wasn’t to blame? What exactly did he mean by the Judge having a visitor?
As she opened the door to wait for Myron her thoughts constantly went back and forth over the Treat and Fisher files. There just seemed to be something she was missing and somehow she knew in her heart that she had to find it. If she didn’t, she doubted if she could continue in her work. It was bad enough to have blown the one, but two such cases were too much for her. Better to quit and find something else to do than put more kids at risk.
The elevator opening didn’t register at first but when it did she glanced out of the doorway to see Myron coming down the hallway. His face looked so intent and serious and her heart began to tremble a little. She really didn’t have time to get into a big discussion right now and yet, well she didn’t want to just brush him off either. For a bit she had hoped that this case would not ruin what they had, but that had been wishful thinking. Everything about this case was perplexing and her eyes narrowed as she tried to recall what was in that file that she could have missed.
Her concentration was waning though as her face kept shifting to Myron coming down the hall. It was when he saw her though that her focus completely shifted and her thoughts about the case, about Cory and even Robbie were suddenly gone. Myron’s face registered such a change that she automatically clutched at her body, folding her arms as if maybe she was standing there naked. It was weird how he looked at her and then she stood in amazement, as he seemed to gain speed, not running but more loping forward. His feet were definitely pushing him faster than a normal gait would and in some way she suddenly felt scared. Was he that angry or was there something worse about to happen?
Despite her anxiety she knew she didn’t have much time. As he came closer she tried to speak, calling his name in an effort to try and tell him that she was pressed for time when he simply reached out and placed his arms around her waist and lifted her up and brought her close to him. She gasped a little as she wasn’t exactly small framed, but he held her tight and twirled around the open doorway as if she were a feather. His face was flushed, she could tell as he set her down and bent down a little and kissed her hard on the mouth.
The air rushed from her lungs as he probed deeply with his tongue like a man drinking his first glass of water after being lost in a dessert. She felt the rush of air as his hands held her tight and finally when they broke apart his face was red as a fire engine used to be. Everything about him was so strange and for a minute she wondered if he had been drinking but there was no odour of alcohol on his breath. It just didn’t make sense as he beamed at her, his eyes twinkling in an impish look that made her smile, forgetting everything else as she marvelled at him.
He guided her into the apartment, closing the door with his foot as he refused to let go of her waist. His whole body seemed tense but the strength in his arms only gave her comfort. God it did feel good to be in his arms and she wondered if maybe this was his way of reconciling their differences from early this morning? If so she definitely approved of his technique.
“Myron… please, I…”
“Hush, give me a second Deb, please.”
“I want to, but…”
“No buts, look if I don’t get this out now, I may never, okay?”
She merely nodded not quite sure what he wanted to say or if she really wanted to hear it. Her heart was beating a mile a second as he took her hand and walked her to the living room and made her sit down in the arm chair. He smiled at her as he stood towering above her, just drinking in her presence. She felt a bit like she was on display or something and it felt a bit uncomfortable and yet also rather pleasing.
“Debbie, maybe I don’t have any right in asking, but well, I don’t know, it hit me this morning, I have been so stupid in not…”
“Myron please, you don’t…”
“Debbie, hush, okay? Just let me get this out, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Good, uh, oh hell, Debbie I came to a few conclusions this morning. The first being that I am a complete ass. I don’t know what it was, but I owed you a lot more than a cold shoulder this morning, I have no excuses except that, well until now I never really realized just what was wrong with me.”
“Myron, there is nothing wrong with you. God, you are a wonderful man and you have a very kind heart that…”
“You women, always talking, there is time for that later, please?”
She was a bit taken aback by his firm manner and she just nodded once more. Her heart continued to beat wildly as she stared into his face and wondered if maybe he was on something, because this wasn’t the Myron she knew. He was so charged, so hyped that it was like a sugar rush or something.
“Good, look, I had a whole speech rehearsed but screw it, that isn’t me really. I do better when I talk from where it counts, from my heart. Debbie, I realized this morning that I am sick and tired of doing the practical thing, the logical thing, the politically correct thing. Maybe I am stupid but damn it, there is more to life than a pay check. I want to feel useful, to make a difference somehow, no matter how small, that isn’t vain is it?”
“Well, no, no it isn’t Myron, but uh…”
“Good, see, I realize that to make a difference I need to start with my own life. I can’t offer much, hell I don’t even have a job anymore but…”
“Don’t have a job? Myron what…”
“Look, Debbie I know it is sudden, I’ll get into the details later, but right now all I know for certain is this, one that I am crazy about you, two I don’t want to spend my time counting the seconds till I can see you, I want to see you every second possible. I just can’t live the other way, I need to be a whole person and I have come to realize that for me to be whole, I need you. Shit, what I am saying Debbie is …well, will you marry this out of work lawyer type?”
For a second or two she thought she had heard him propose to her but that would be impossible. It couldn’t be and yet as the words echoed in her head she could feel the hot flush growing inside of her. Her eyes stared deeply into his and in that instant she knew she had heard him right, he really was asking her to marry him.
It was just like the dreams she had as a kid, when her white knight would come charging in to sweep her off her feet. He had done that and now it was her turn to feel the elation and excitement. Every part of her tingled as her mind tried to grapple with the sudden change of events. All thought of Cory Treat, of the Fisher boys, and of Steve Ferguson were wiped away as she saw his love burning deeply inside his eyes.
How could she say anything else as she opened her arms and squealed out a yes. Her whole body was trembling as they kissed and hugged each other. It was something to feel his heart beating next to hers and to know that soon it would be for eternity. God what a wonderful surprise and yet as she held him, felt his breath on her neck, she felt a strange glow inside. There was no way to describe it as she felt the pull of his love and turned her head to once more gaze into his wonderful face.
She felt him take her hand and then pull something out of his jacket. Her eyes opened wide as she saw the glittering white diamond set in the centre of the ring and looked up into his face.
“Debbie, will you?”
“Oh God, Yes Myron.”
He placed the ring on her trembling finger, feeling it slide gently along the warm flesh. His heart was pounding a mile a second as he saw how nicely the ring fit and how well it looked on her finger. His eyes filled with tears as he lifted up his face to gaze into hers. There was a strange jolt as if a bolt of electricity had passed between them and he knew that this was right, that this was what he was supposed to do. He kissed her softly on the lips and then leaned back, sitting like a kid on his haunches, enjoy her radiating beauty.
Myron wasn’t sure how long they just stared at each other but the cramp that hit his leg made him wince and realize that he still had a lot to tell her. His face grimaced a bit as he struggled to his feet and moved over to the couch. He couldn’t get enough of her glowing face as she came with him to nestle into the crook of his arm on the sofa. It felt so good, to feel her next to him like this that he just sat there, enjoying the comfort.
“I can’t believe you said yes, Debbie, it feels so good, I swear I will be a good husband.”
“I know you will be, wouldn’t have said yes if I thought otherwise.”
“Yeah? You mean my sexy good looks didn’t even sway you?”
“Haha, well they helped but no, it is you that swayed me, just you.”
“God I do love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I don’t know, you might not uh, I quit the firm Debbie.”
This had to be a dream and she thought maybe she should pinch herself to make certain but then she was afraid to. If it were a dream she just didn’t want it to end, after all it was what she had always wanted. To think that someone like Myron could feel this way for her was overwhelming. All she could think about was what it would be like to be introduced as Mrs. Myron Shecter.
“You said, what happened?”
“Sam wanted me to drop Robbie’s case, said it was potentially a PR nightmare for the firm.”
“Well, given all that’s gone on, I guess I can see that.”
“I can too, but law isn’t about image, least not to me.”
It was all rather exciting really and scary. The idea of being married and with not only him out of work but her own career at risk, well it was maybe stupid to even think about marriage. Yet, somehow it made sense to her. To be married to a man who had principles and acted on them was rare these days. She couldn’t help but feel pride in him, which outweighed any fears. Besides, he would get work and she had money saved too. No this was oh so right that it just had to work.
She could see his fear and yet in a way his stubbornness too. He wasn’t all that worried it looked but what made her smile at him wasn’t that. Instead, it was the simple fact that he cared enough to talk to her about it. To have someone care enough to want her opinion, to even be considering her feelings on something like this only proved to her how much he did love her. That is what brought the warm radiant smile to her face and a tear to her eye.
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know, Trace Vickers wants to talk to me though.”
“OH? Wow, he’s a real pit bull, where did you run into him?”
“At the shul, damn…”
“What?”
In some ways it didn’t seem right that he should feel so happy when a really good man was about to be tossed to the lions. For what too? All that the Rabbi had done was his job, which was a damn sight more than those old farts had done. Couldn’t they see it or were they so scared that they were blinded by their own fears? Whatever it was, somehow, it just didn’t seem right that he be so happy, but damn it, he was. He couldn’t explain it but seeing her smile at him, feeling the warmth she radiated outwards was just too powerful.
“Sorry, I forgot, there was an emergency meeting of the Shul’s board, they are such a bunch of old women, sorry, but damn it they make me mad.”
“What happened and I didn’t know Trace was Jewish?”
“He isn’t, I sent the Rabbi to him, he was there as his counsel.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, didn’t help though, they voted to not renew his contract in four months.”
“That stinks!”
“Yeah, but it is funny Deb, he didn’t seem all that upset by it, almost as if he didn’t care even.”
“That is strange, maybe he is tired? I mean it has to be tough being a spiritual leader and now all this on top of it, could…”
“No, maybe for some but not him, you ever meet him?”
Somehow the idea of this Rabbi had come into her life in a strange way. The way Myron looked when he talked about the Rabbi was something else. If he had affected Myron this way how could his board turn their backs on him, if they weren’t blind? She had seen him at work and even now it still amazed her at how calm he had been. There had been no shouting, no stomping of feet or fists, just a plain almost defiant air about him that spoke volumes. He reminded her of someone who simply knew the truth and wasn’t afraid of the consequences either. Part of her wished she knew him like Myron did, but maybe she would now? It was kind of nice to think that, as she tried to focus on what Myron was saying. It was hard because all she could think of was how nice it felt to about to be a Mrs.
“Not really, I was there last night, you know when he…”
“Yeah, guess that was the last straw for the board, Sam was gloating until his mother walked in, somehow I don’t think I wanna be Sam tonight or the next few nights.”
“His mother?”
“Yeah, the women side had their own meeting, they at least supported the Rabbi. Could be interesting, you women do have more power than us men, if Miriam Ginsberg or the Rabbi’s wife are any indication.”
“Glad you acknowledge our superior power, should make it easier to keep you in line then.”
“Haha, yeah it will…”
“Myron, this case, I know we shouldn’t discuss it now, but it, I don’t want it to come between us, it almost did and…”
“That was my fault, I won’t make that mistake again, dear.”
“I am thinking I could pass it on to someone else, I mean…”
For one brief moment life intruded on his happiness. There was no mistaking her sincerity as she made the offer but as much as he knew it would be easier now, in the long run it would tear them apart. This wasn’t an easy case and somehow he knew it would be tough to get a happy ending for it but whatever the outcome, they would both need to have seen it through to the end. If he let her quit or she him, it would only haunt them later on and he couldn’t stand that. He wanted her next to him forever, not for the just the moment.
“No, no we can’t do that Deb, if we do then both of us will regret it later on. I want nothing to come back to haunt us, we have to see this through, no matter what.”
“You don’t understand, Myron I screwed up that earlier case, somehow this one is linked, how I don’t know, but it is.”
His face grew solemn as he saw the pain in hers. It really hurt him to see her in such misery and somehow he just knew that he held the key to change all that. He also knew that it could be not what she might want to know, but truth was that way sometimes. It could hurt worse than anything you could imagine but at least you were free of the guilt afterwards.
“I think… I have an inkling of how they are linked.”
“Huh? But, how?”
“I can’t say for sure, it is only a guess actually.”
“But, well… spill it?”
“Robbie”
“Huh? Robbie Fisher?”
“Yes…”
In some ways it was like a curtain being raised in front of her. She could see Robbie’s young face in the team pictures but she also saw something else. It was that look in those deep dark brooding eyes of his. It was like even then he had a dark secret but what startled her more was that it was the same look she had recognized in young Cory Treat’s eyes. God, if they were involved, then maybe it just wasn’t Cory who was being abused. Once more she wondered about who, still thinking that it had to be the Judge, no one else could manage it or could they?
“Do you think? I mean… it would fit, wouldn’t it? And they were on the same baseball team, but that still doesn’t explain who did the abuse… or does it?”
“It will, after you talk with Robbie.”
“Me? You and the Rabbi have kept me far away from him, how am I…”
“It is time, wasn’t before but now, well now it is.”
“Do you know?”
“No but I think the Rabbi does. Hell, I think that whole family does, but Robbie talked to me tonight at the meeting.”
Well this was turning out to be one hell of a night for her she thought. First Steve insisting that it couldn’t be who she had thought, then Myron asking her to be his wife and now the whole thing with Robbie and the Goldbergs. She was feeling totally overwhelmed as still the only real thought in her mind was how good it felt to be in his presence. It was almost like all this was foreplay because she really was feeling like she wanted to just fill him in her despite their conversation.
The amazement must be showing on her face as she saw him staring at her with a quizzical look. Well what did he expect given all the news he was giving her in one swell swoop. The Rabbi gets tossed out, he quits his job because of the case, and decides to marry her, and then to top it off tells her that he might be working for one of the top lawyers in the blasted province, and then as an afterthought mentions that the principle in her case was not only there, but was willing to finally talk to her. God what a man and damn how desirable he was. She struggled to control the weird emotions as she smiled at him again, enjoying the way it seemed to make him feel.
“What? Why was he there?”
“He and the Rabbi’s sons were there. He came to me after the meeting, saying he thought it was time he talked to me and whoever else I thought should be in on it.”
“My God, you mean he is actually willing to talk?”
“Yes, he has changed Deb, I mean from when I first met him he was so forlorn. So, I don’t know, it was like he didn’t think there was any hope for him, now, well I can’t explain it, he is different. There is an air of confidence that wasn’t there, guess being in love gives you that, that and maybe living with a Rabbi.”
“And his wife, don’t forget her.”
“Oh God I’d never do that, you never met her have you?”
“No but I watched her on that tape, the one of the interview. I don’t know why, but there was something in her face that made me look at her, something that made me not to ever want to tangle with her.”
“Haha, boy have you got her pegged. She is one lady I would never want angry at me, other than you, but Debbie, she is something. She can make a man feel like he is a King or like a wee baby by just a look, or a single word. She really is something. I think they are a perfect match those two, kind of like us. I think.”
She felt a strange flush crossing her face at his words but it was nothing to the raging fires that suddenly flickered deep inside of her. God he had a way that made her feel so much like a woman that it was amazing no one had ever claimed him before. Looking at him now she could see his love for her which only made her blush even more.
“You got the girl councillor, no need for the flattery.”
“Oh there is always a need for the truth though, which is all I was saying.”
“No wonder I love you, you certainly know what to say.”
“Not always, but I am learning.”
“I see.”
“So, you think you can handle being married to an out of work lawyer?”
His words brought them both back to reality in an instant. She could see his eyes cloud over as he thought about the Rabbi while in her own mind all she could think of was how the world seemed so cruel and uncaring. Her mind was once more back on the Fisher and Treat cases and it made her tremble a little. She wanted nothing more than to solve them both and yet, too, she didn’t feel quite the same as she had before he showed up. Now she also wanted him too and it was strange to have a dual purpose in life. She wanted him and to make him happy but she also wanted to see the bastard who had caused a young 13 year old to commit suicide and another to try later on in life. There was still the whole matter of Justin Fisher as well. What had made him go to what he knew as an empty apartment and not go to a friend or doctor or for that matter his own parents? It all weighed on her mind as she tried to piece it all together, giddy at being asked to be Mrs. Schecter and also nervous about what Robbie might have to say.
“Well, we both might be out of work, if this doesn’t go right. God, Myron the press is so mean, did you catch tonight’s latest attacks?”
“It was the topic of conversation but I wonder how it will be after tomorrow night?”
“What do you mean?”
“VI News is airing the unedited copy on a special at 7, I think that will change a few minds, saw their ad for it earlier. They are tying it in with a whole section about being gay in Victoria, they invited the Rabbi to take part on some panel for a different show next week.”
“Really? That is something.”
“Could be, they are having your boss on too.”
“Oh? Now that really should be interesting, he’s such a… a… hell I don’t know, opinionated jerk.”
Somehow he just knew she wanted to say something else but opted for being polite instead. It really was amazing how she could show such passion and fire even at this late hour. Maybe that was one reason why he loved her so much? The way she would just simply sparkle and glow as she got on one of her hobby horses? Or maybe it was just that she was determined to do what was right, no matter the consequences like the Rabbi was doing? If he could only be like them he thought, maybe he would stand a chance in succeeding?
“Haha, you don’t like him?”
“No, not because of what he believes, or maybe that is it. I don’t know, it is just that he never sees beyond the numbers, that is all he concerns himself with, it really is… sorry, bit of a soapbox topic for me these days.”
“Yeah I know what you mean, just like Sam. I mean who cares what people think of the firm now, it is how they think of us when they need us, but to be fair, some of the corporate accounts could be nervous about the firm handling something like the Fisher case. Still, I always wanted to be the kind of
lawyer who worried about the clients, not the firm’s image.”
“Think Trace is gonna offer you a job?”
“I don’t know, sounded like it, but not sure I’d want that.”
“Oh?”
For the first time since Trace had asked him to come see him in the morning, he thought about the possibility. Somehow it just didn’t seem to be exactly the cure he had first thought. There was no doubt that hooking up with someone like Trace Vickers would set him for life financially but was that what he wanted or was there more to life than just riches? Could the Rabbi have made that much of an influence on him or was he letting his naïve and idealistic nature take hold? Was he just flushed by the notion that he finally had found someone that made him whole or was it really like the Rabbi had said, that you went where your heart took you simply because it was HIS will? Could it be that simple or that complex?
“No, I know its silly, but I don’t want to have to compromise anymore, not on this, not on what I do. I want to look at my client and not wonder if his or her case will make me a pariah or not. I want to look at them and know that I can give them the best legal representation, that in some small way I can maybe do more than just see they are protected under the law, but maybe even see if somehow I can’t get them justice too. Bit idealistic huh?”
She had to blink a few times as his words struck her hard. The idea that law was justice had never sat well with her. She had seen all to many kids who had thought that they were safe under the law only to be returned because the law was merely a set of rules. It didn’t allow always for justice despite its so-called ethics or values. Too many kids were plea bargained into a life that held little if any hope for them simply because governments couldn’t or were unwilling to commit to the principles of law. Public pressures and opinion bound them more than anything instead of a sense of values or of what was right or just plain wrong. Cory’s case was one just case but how many other’s were there? It made her giddiness waiver a bit as she thought about his sad face.
“Yes, but… well I think it is what makes you. you. I don’t know, it is kind of how I am feeling myself these days. I am tired of having to explain to a kid that he can’t say this or do this because the system has no way to deal with their issues. I mean, they are who they are, it is our job to help them with that, not make them fit our idea of who they are.”
“Haha, you should be a lawyer, sounded good Deb.”
“Feels good too”
“I know, same here.”
“Well… least we’ll have that, so if you don’t go with Trace, what are you going to do?”
“Work from the house for now. That’ll keep my expenses down and I have some money saved, going to sell the car too and get me something a bit more economical, then we’ll see.”
“I have some money saved too, I can…”
“No, I can manage Deb.”
“Well if we are going to get married, I sure as hell don’t need this apartment, I can give notice tomorrow… that’s $900 we can save, I can use it to look after the household with that.”
“Damn you are determined, but you should keep what you have saved including the rent, I think we can manage okay without it.”
“Either we are in this together or not Myron, I won’t be a kept woman. If I earn more or less it shouldn’t matter, if it does well we aren’t going to make it then, but I could ask the Rabbi’s wife to give me some pointers, along with what she thinks about me adding my income to the household and…”
“Oh God, blackmail already? Okay you win, and I can’t wait for you to move in.”
She loved the way he looked as he gave in to her. It was like all this was just new to him and he needed a bit of convincing about how things worked in a modern world. In many ways he seemed old fashioned like how he opened the door for her or held her chair but she kind of liked that. It made her feel special in a very intimate way that she couldn’t quite explain. Helping him wasn’t about the money either but of her becoming a full working partner in his life.
“Is tonight too soon?”
“I was hoping you’d say that.”
“There isn’t much I need, I can pack up some things and get the rest tomorrow after I drop off my notice.”
“Okay, uh, about Robbie.”
“Yes?”
“I think I should talk to him alone first, so I set up a time for you to come to the Rabbi’s office at around 3, that okay?”
“His office? Why there?”
He had wondered that himself but when he asked Robbie, all he got was a sort of blank stare and something about how it was a better place for what he had to say. Something about it being easier for him to talk without being ashamed. Strange how he had grown so quiet when he had said it, and yet in his eyes you could see real terror. His heart had felt his pain but didn’t quite know how to help so he merely agreed.
“Robbie wanted it there, I am meeting him after lunch.”
“Is the Rabbi going to be there too?”
“I don’t know.”
The sound of her buzzer startled them both and all at once she remembered Steve Ferguson. Her hand flew to her face and then her watch as she looked at the time. He saw the panic on her face and for a second wondered if she had a date or something but then he quickly banished the notion. If she had been seeing someone else she would have told him long before now.
“Who could that be?”
“Oh my God, I was supposed to go and get a file. That is Steve Ferguson, the investigator who is helping me.”
“Does he have something?”
“He thinks he does, I have to let him in, uh, would you mind if I left him here with you and went to get a file from work?”
“No, that’s fine.”
She quickly stood up and headed to answer the buzzer even as it rang out a second time. It wasn’t as impatient sounding as Myron’s had been and she looked back at him, smiling at him that only made him grin at her. God she felt like a schoolgirl as he answered the buzzer, letting Steve in and wondering who was with him. There had been no mistaking the sound of another person being there and it puzzled her as she felt herself rubbing the newly placed ring on her finger.
“Thank you, I better let him in.”
Robbie
He breathed in deeply, smelling still that strange scent of flour and sweat that permeated the room or maybe it was just that they hadn’t gotten it all off themselves. He sighed a little as his eyes looked out across the room, ignoring the bare arm that rested on his chest. Robbie smiled as he felt the sticky warmth of Josh’s arm against his own skin. It felt so good to feel it there and to know almost with absolute certainty that it would always be there.
The way she had come into the Rabbi’s study and hustled him into the kitchen still made him tingle a bit. It was like everything had been answered for him with that one short outburst. There was no mistaking her look either, which only brought a bigger grin to his face. This was what he had always thought a family would be like and now here he was, living his fantasy. It would be perfect if Justin could be here to enjoy it too which brought the pain back but it was different.
There was no mistaking the deep hole that existed in his heart from where his feelings for Justin resided yet it didn’t feel quite so empty as it had. Maybe this was part of the healing process or maybe it was still too early. He wasn’t sure which it was but the pain seemed a little duller now. It didn’t totally throw him into a tailspin or make him weep uncontrollably, but he still felt it.
No one had said a word when he had been marched into the kitchen with her right behind. They all avoided looking and in less than two seconds flat he felt like his sides would explode from the pain of the laughter that rang out. She had gone right past him tossing him an apron from the rack and then had stopped dead in her tracks as she looked at the pile of potatoes that were on the counter. Her face looked like it would simply explode as she stared at the various shapes and then looked at Joshua, then Joel, then her husband.
“Nu, which of you is the brutal murderer of my poor potatoes? Mien Gotte, leave you men for a second and you butcher a whole meal. Ach de lieber, come Robbie, you are my last hope, show me how you peel a potato, maybe these three can learn a bit, yes?”
He couldn’t help but laugh as he stared at the table. To one side was a huge mound of peels, and to the other side was a much smaller group of yellowed nuggets. He wasn’t sure how big they had been before but looking at the mound of peels they had to have been a good size. Now, well now they looked like overgrown peas and not potatoes. His chuckle only became louder as Joshua looked at his mother and in a whining and child like voice proclaimed that it wasn’t’ his fault, that ‘Papa’ insisted on making them bite size, to avoid having to slice them up.
She of course didn’t buy that explanation as she stared at her husband and then back at her eldest son. Joel had immediately piped up that he just got there, so he was innocent of all potatoe murder charges. It only made the Rabbi back away a step and shake his head.
“Betrayed by mien own kinder, such a world.”
“Abner Goldberg, You did this?”
“Ach, I was only showing them a different way, how was I to know they’d turn out so small?”
“Good thing that today a doctor does the bris[1. ritualistic ceremony, circumcision of the male penis], otherwise the women of today would certainly be cheated out of their due.”
The look on the Rabbi’s face was amazing even as he asked what a bris was. He could see the smirk on Josh’s face and the big grin on Joel’s as well as he just stood there, unsure what they were talking about.
“It’s a Jewish ceremony were the Rabbi is supposed to, well, it is when the baby male is circumcised, and it is a good thing that my husband lets a doctor do it, oiy vey I can see the lawsuits he would endure now, if he did it himself.”
“Mama, you are scaring the boys.”
“They should be scared, how could you make such tiny little things out of such huge ones? Mien Gotte you men, I should never have let you in the kitchen alone, oiy vey what am I going to do?”
The arm across his chest moved a bit and he glanced over to stare into Josh’s eyes. He could see nothing but love there that only made his heart beat a bit faster. God it felt so good to be here he thought, and he realized then that what the Rabbi had said made sense. None of this would have been possible if everything that had happened had never taken place. Maybe he was right; that sometimes what people thought was blackness was just like the night, a time to rest until the sun came up when everything looked better. He still wasn’t quite sure how this all fit but he realized that he wouldn’t have traded all that for the feelings he now felt.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, you?”
Robbie blinked once or twice while he thought about it. He never really ever had anyone but Justin ask him or care really what his answer was. Strange, something as simple as asking how you were could make you feel so warm but hearing Josh ask him did just that. It was like he actually mattered and looking at Josh, he knew that he did matter. It was a feeling he couldn’t describe. In some ways it made him sad because Justin hadn’t been given this chance as well. A small tear came to his eye as he lifted his own hand up and placed it over Josh’s.
“I am now.”
“Good.”
“Josh?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you come with me tomorrow?”
“To meet with Myron?”
“Yeah.”
He nestled in closer to Robbie’s body as he could feel his heart beating faster. It was like together the world wasn’t quite so scary. It felt good to feel him wanting him this way, needing him.
“Sure if you want, you scared?”
Funny but until recently if someone had asked him if he were scared, he’d laugh it off. Now it didn’t seem to matter if they thought he was scared or not, he didn’t feel any shame in admitting to being afraid. His father had been wrong, real men can admit to their fear and not be less for it. There was so much that he was wrong about that he wondered where he had ever learnt all that crap?
“Yeah, sort of, sure you don’t mind?”
“No of course not, I’d rather be with you than waiting for you.”
“It won’t be, I mean, you’ll have to hear all that stuff again, and well, kind of in more detail I suppose…”
He hadn’t thought about that and yet knowing that he would have to hear that stuff didn’t seem to make him as frightened as he thought. It was something he wished he’d never have to hear again, yet, he knew that in order for it to go away, it would have to run its course. God to think of having lived through all that and still be able to go on showed him how much courage Robbie really had. If Robbie could manage it, well he sure as hell should be able to handle listening to it.
“I guess, but, well, I won’t bullshit you Robbie, that shit, man it scares me and yeah I doubt if anyone wants to hear about it, but shit man you went through it, least I can do is be there.”
“You don’t have to, I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have asked you, it is just that…”
“Yes I do.”
“Huh? No you don’t.”
“You want me there?”
“Well, yes.”
“Then I have to be there, it’s that simple.”
His face was turned towards Josh’s and he could see the spark in the eyes. It was amazing to gaze into his eyes to see those pulsing flashes of pure power. Each flicker only made his heart grow warmer.
“But, well, it means you have to go through hearing all that again, it won’t be easy for you, I mean Josh it isn’t exactly…”
“I know what you mean, but how can I not be there for you? Shit Robbie, I don’t know much about how you survived all that shit for so long. So for me to not be there now for you, that’s just wrong. Besides you know the vows, for better or for worse, through sickness and health…”
“Christ, the marriage vows again? Sometimes I think you are worse than some of those girls I dated, always thinking about marriage… but uh, we haven’t formally said them, so you aren’t really bound by them.”
There was a nervousness about Robbie and despite the joking around he had felt the way his chest had puffed up a bit. It felt good to hear him try to joke around even though it meant skirting the issue for a moment or two. You needed to laugh and he could feel the tension too, knowing how fragile his lover still was.
“Oh sure throw up the old girlfriends to me, typical man.”
“God you sound like your mother.”
“Nu? How else should I sound when my man talks about some trollops? Besides, she says we are married whether or not we had a ceremony, mind you I think she wants one…”
“Oh that will really go over good right now, I can see the fucking press now, but… She really said that? That to her we are married?”
Josh had to admit, it had sounded strange even for her but somehow he knew that she actually did believe it. She might not understand the gay thing but she seemed to understand love, least which was how she had explained it to him. He could see how Robbie was looking and as his hand moved along his stomach he knew in his heart that they were married.
“Screw the press and everyone else, and yeah I kind of think in a real way we have.”
It felt good inside to hear the fire in Josh’s voice as he talked about the press and all but still it worried him. He couldn’t think of anything that would make him feel happier than to actually walk down some aisle to say ‘I DO’ but he knew that would never happen. Still it did feel kind of nice to think about.
The gentle touch of Josh’s hand on him made him feel contented actually and it did hold back his fear. Still he kind of enjoyed the light banter even if there were a lot of serious stuff to think about. It kind of made him feel normal in some small way, without the constant thoughts about everything.
“How, I don’t talk in my sleep, so uh…”
“Haha, no, you just snore.”
“Me snore? I am going to tape you one night bud.”
“Cool, but… seriously, don’t you feel like we are, married that is?”
“Truthfully, yes I do.”
“Me too, and well, I don’t know, guess in a way it is like Papa said, we can’t begin to explain the mysteries of HIS work, sounds bit sappy maybe but I think that somehow, HE wanted us to be together.”
For all of his life he had always lived under that cloud that he was defying God. So many people in his world had condemned the way he was that it only made him feel dirty and cheap. In so many ways it was like he was worthless, which maybe might be why he had hidden his feelings. Still he knew he had a lot to answer for but to know that at least he wasn’t a sinner kind of gave him the strength he needed right now. Funny, but why could one man like Josh’s dad see that and everyone else not?
Hell even the Pope who was supposed to be God’s Vicar or something condemned him and others like him. If he had chosen this way maybe they might have a right, but like the Rabbi had told him, he was a creation of God and not of man, so he could never be an outcast of God’s world. Just being able to know that had made a world of difference to him but he also realized how sad it was that it took the loss of his own brother and his own stupid actions to find someone who could tell him the truth. His heart ached as he realized how many others must feel like he had and he wondered if maybe that was a reason for him to have survived?
Having to talk about his life to strangers scared him but as he lay there feeling Josh’s love pressing against him, he knew that what the Rabbi said was true. There was a purpose behind things and it was his duty to try and figure it out. Maybe part of why he had lived was so he could do what other’s couldn’t, which was show that he was no threat to them because he was gay, to show others that maybe there really was a God up there who loved everyone, not just the straight majority?
“There are a few who would not agree.”
“Yeah, well fuck them.”
“Josh… that isn’t nice.”
“Oh hell, stop teasing, you feel the same way.”
“True, but still Josh, I mean, maybe HE does want us together, but still…”
“Still nothing Robbie, I mean there is no other explanation. Look at all that has happened. Maybe some might call it luck or whatever, but all this? By themselves maybe, but not together. Hell, even me coming home wasn’t luck or chance, it was HIS will I think, uh… why are you looking at me that way?”
“Cause I love it when you get all serious and determined, you get so cute looking.”
“Shit.”
“Okay I’ll be nice, I guess I am joking around cause well, I don’t want you hurt anymore, I have done enough of that already.”
“Hurt? You haven’t hurt me, well okay yes you have… but wait, let me explain, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I was hurt, when I came home and found you like that, I was
hurt and angry because I thought I was to blame somehow…”
Just for an instant he thought he could feel the darkness coming for him again but he fought it, knowing that Josh did love him. It was strange to feel that sudden surge of love inside just when he thought about the darkness. This time too he realized he wasn’t reaching for it, instead he turned away from it and reached for that love, that powerful bond that existed between him and Josh.
“Josh you weren’t, God I am so sorry…”
“Robbie shut up, okay?”
Robbie stared at Josh, feeling how much love he had for him. Seeing the way his face was set, the jaw so firm and the eyes so full of love only made him quiver inside. He couldn’t help but admire him and the notion that he had almost given all that up only made him feel shame. His heart ached as Josh’s hand moved down to his chest a bit, rubbing him as if to tell him it was okay. A small tear was at the corner of his eye as he looked over to Josh and nodded.
“I didn’t realize a lot of things. I can see why you felt how you felt, I don’t agree with what you did. I won’t bullshit you, I think it was wrong but I can see why. I also know that something made me come back early and not a rotten movie either. I have never felt so uncomfortable as I did that night. I didn’t want to go but you made me, but even after, at the ticket booth I felt like shit buying the tickets. I can’t explain it really but I had this strange feeling inside, like I knew something was wrong but couldn’t tell what. Sitting in that movie theatre it only got worse. Hell I squirmed so much the guy next to me kept looking at me like I was strange. It wasn’t until I got up and left that that feeling stopped. It changed from pulling me, to one where it was more like a push. It urged me to go faster; hell I even ran to the bus stop and you know I don’t like running. All that, it was something strange inside, like not that you were calling me but that something else was driving those thoughts.”
“Josh you don’t have to tell me all this.”
They had never really talked about this before and something inside told him that Robbie needed to hear it. He sat up a little, his body propped up by his elbow on one side and his one leg pushed behind him. He stared down at Robbie while his hand gently caressed the warm skin of Robbie’s chest. Strange how good that felt, to just touch him even though they were in the middle of a painful subject. It was like touching him helped to calm his own nerves as well as to reassure Robbie.
“No, maybe not, but I want you to know.”
“Okay.”
“Robbie, I never realized really what you meant to me until I walked into the apartment and didn’t find you there. Just opening the door and not hearing you made me feel terrified, then finding you on the floor like that, it was even worse but then it all sort of, well changed.”
“Changed? I don’t…”
“I don’t even know now if I can remember all that went through my mind, so many things all at once but I can still remember the one thought that did constantly go through me. It was that I couldn’t lose you, that no matter what, I had to help you or get you help because in that second that I saw you there, saw the blood, I knew in my heart that I was in love with you and couldn’t stand to live without you. It was like seeing that blood only made me see my own blood too, like a part of me was spilling out onto the floor too. Crazy I know, but I begged God to help you, begged him and even cursed him, because all I knew was I needed you, that somehow without you I would never be much of anything. I knew it then, but it took all this other shit to make me understand it.”
Robbie moved a little and turned to rest on his side, to let Josh’s hand move from his stomach to now rest and gently brush his side. He could feel the fear inside of Josh as he relived those terrifying moments. His own shame grew but so to did the love he felt for Josh.
The silence seemed to go on forever as they both lay there, touching each other absently. Robbie’s hand had moved out and rested slightly on the bare hip of Josh, while Josh’s hand continued to gently massage Robbie’s side. Their faces looked into each other’s and Robbie could feel it all again, even see it in a strange sort of haze.
“Maybe if I had been raised differently, all this wouldn’t have happened Josh, but then maybe all that did happen to me, maybe it is why we are here now, kind of weird to think that all that shit was by some grand design to just bring us together.”
“I don’t know, maybe all that happened, just did, and that somehow what was supposed to be, still managed to happen. It just doesn’t seem that God would want all that to happen to you just so you and I could realize how much we loved each other. All I know is that we are meant to be together, how we finally got here, well maybe that doesn’t matter just as long as we got here.”
“Maybe, but I think that all that shit was for a purpose. God, how alone and scary it felt to be this way and not be able to tell anyone, you know?”
“Yeah, tell me. I am lucky though, I found you and despite all that tszuris, I still have you and more too, you brought my family back to me, I… shit Robbie…”
His hand moved up Josh’s side to his face and he felt the wet tear around the corner of his eye. Robbie could feel the tremor inside as it slowly raced up and down Josh’s body and his as well. He felt the power of his love reaching inside of him as he shifted his body closer into Josh’s. Their skin touched in dozens of places and he could feel the hard press of Josh’s groin into his upper thigh, feel his own hard body and yet as he stared into the eyes, all he could think about was how it all felt so right.
His shame and feelings of guilt seemed not to matter, as he lay there entwined into Josh’s body. It just didn’t really seem to matter as he felt the warmth caressing him in parts he never knew existed. Sure he felt a sense of excitement and wonder but it didn’t feel strange or anything. It just felt natural, like it was supposed to be, as he reached up and kissed Josh briefly on the lips. Their eyes locked and he could hear Josh telling him how much he loved him. He could hear his own soul answering back and he knew that all his secrets were no longer his alone to bear.
“I Do, Joshua.”
Josh stared up at him and heard the soft words and saw the smile on Robbie’s face. It was just like how he had imagined it would feel and he could feel the thrill running through his whole body as he smiled back at Robbie.
“I Do, Robbie.”
The words were like a fan to the fires that burned within. He could feel his whole body shake with answering tremors echoed from Josh. His heart began to thunder but it wasn’t alone anymore as Josh’s own wildly beating heart joined in with its own roar of love and desire.
Robbie’s body pressed up and over onto Josh’s. Slowly he felt Josh turning over onto his back as his own lanky frame now moved over and rested on top of the warm body. His eyes glowed as he stared down now at Josh. Both hands rested flat and firmly on the bed on either side of Josh’s head. They looked at each other as he slowly lowered his head, his lips pursed as they came closer. The eyes flickered but remained opened as his mouth once more found the hot moist lips of Josh’s mouth. He felt the sudden power inside of him exploding as his mouth pressed down onto Josh’s.
The arms grew rigid like steel beams and his legs no longer felt weak, as they too grew hard. He could feel the muscles inside becoming tense and coiled as his body slowly pressed down onto Josh’s warm flesh. The touch of his skin against Josh’s made him shudder and shake. The blood inside of his body seemed to rise in temperature and tiny beads of sweat began to pop up on his forehead as his tongue slowly snaked forward to lick at Josh’s mouth.
Josh’s arms were lightly holding him around his waist and he could feel them slowly growing tighter. The fingers began to spread out more as the palms of his hands began to press harder into his hips. Both thumbs were arched inwards into his soft inner thigh and the other fingers were now digging into the softer flesh on the outside. It all felt like it should as his tongue gently pried open the warm rich mouth and was greeted by the sizzling hot tip of Josh’s own tongue.
His body shook harder as he tasted Josh’s love on the edge of his tongue. His hands pressed hard into the bed as his body slowly came down to rest fully on top of Josh. His legs were slowly sliding into the gap between Josh’s own legs. Robbie could feel the sudden heat in his groin as his hard pole was slowly pressed upwards, to rest between his belly and Josh’s.
What God has joined together, let no man put asunder…
The words echoed in his heart as he felt Josh’s body growing warmer and as his own flesh slowly began to melt and join with Josh. He felt the love surrounding them both as his mind was shut out and the roar of his heart rode his body. There was no doubt in him now that he was indeed meant for Josh and that together they would find a way to survive, after all it was the right thing to do. He was learning his lessons for real now, from real people who cared and his soul began to dance with joy as his body became one with Josh’s.
As he felt the power of their love joining together he could see the road ahead a little. It was a brief glimpse and it was filled with danger and potholes but inside, where it counted he knew that together they would survive it. He had the faith he needed now as his soul finally was whole again as it was joined with Josh’s. At last, he was where he belonged and the future no longer looked black. While the blood in his body rushed from his limbs to his groin, as the ache in his body became unbearable and the power of their love began to overwhelm him, Robbie knew now what it had all been for. He knew now what was expected and, while it scared him, it no longer terrified him. He was where he belonged, with his other half and together they were whole, one which no man could ever tear apart again, no man.