Chapter 43

Adele & Pastor Johnson

Her eyes were moist as she stared out of the window by the sink. She kept dabbing at them with her hand and apron, wiping away the sudden tears that kept springing up. It really was amazing, there they were, her two boys looking so much alike and yet so different and now two more young boys. It was good to hear the sounds of laughter that came to her from the driveway, the sounds that she always enjoyed but which had been absent lately.

Watching Joel and his new friend Bobby, she felt like maybe they were finally turning a corner, that maybe this whole mishuga[1. crazy, craziness] world was finally becoming a bit saner, a bit more normal but even as the thought came to her, she knew it was only a dream, only a fragile truce in what was rapidly becoming a full time affair. Standing there she couldn’t help but wonder what lay in wait for them next?

Her eyes quickly glanced to the clock, wondering again why Abner had yet to call, he should have been finished with the meeting with that lawyer type that Myron had recommended, and there too she wondered what was going to happen. The meeting tonight at the Shul, the Sisterhood meeting as well and then too she had to find a way for her and Abner to visit with Robbie’s grandfather. For a moment she wondered about the old man, wondering if he were any better than the son or was he more like the grandson?

Just thinking about all of this was making her a wreck and she glanced heavenwards once more, at what must be the thousandth time so far this day and yet each time, she did feel better for a moment, if not for longer. Strange how she always felt a sense of relief even though her father used to tell her it was nonsense, and even once or twice Abner had commented on it, but as they grew together he too now would glance upwards, seeking his own form of solace. Still, it did seem rather foolish in this modern age to actually believe, but then as her eyes once more clouded over with tears, the sight of Joel trying to go past Robbie, of Joshua trying to get under that strange net on the garage, she felt like how could it be foolish? How could there not be ONE?

The phone rang and she just stared at it, wondering again who this time, hoping it would be Abner, praying it wouldn’t at least be that piece of drek[2. trash, piece of garbage, trash, a real shit] that kept calling lately. Oiy if she only knew who it was would she give him a piece of her mind, but then wiping her hands on the apron, picking up the receiver she knew that no matter what she could say to such a mumser[3. bastard] it wouldn’t phase him. People were so stubborn at times and she smiled, knowing she was perhaps the Queen of Stubborn if not its absolute Ruler.

“Yes?”

“Mrs Goldberg?”

“Yes?”

“This is Pastor Johnson…”

She couldn’t explain it but she grew cold as he announced his name and for a brief second she tightened her grip on the phone, wondering what new tszuris[4. trouble, grief] was about to happen.

“Oh, yes Pastor, is something wrong?”

“Uh, no, no, I am handling the funeral for young Justin, I was wondering if perhaps I could drop around later this afternoon or this evening for a moment or two, I need to talk a few things over with uh, with Robbie and … uh with yourself and the Rabbi, if that is okay?”

“Well, I don’t know Pastor, Abner has a board meeting and I have sisterhood tonight, and we do have to go out, I suppose if it is important…”

‘She knows’ was all he could think as he listened to her voice. He couldn’t explain it even if his life depended on it but he could tell that somewhere inside of her she knew what was coming. Maybe not the specifics, but he could tell that she knew and it gave him a strange sense of sadness and anxiety. His stomach was in bad enough shape as he felt the acid pouring out into his stomach, the indigestion growing as he struggled to keep his voice normal and not give her any more cause to wonder. Damn it, how could she know? His hand grew white around the knuckles as he held onto the phone, wishing that this part of his job could be someone else’s responsibility.

“Well it is in a sense, the funeral is a few days but…”

“Yes, well would dinner time be terribly inconvenient for you Pastor? Say around five thirty or quarter to six? I can set an extra plate too, if you would like to join us?”

“Oh that is very kind of you but no, my wife will have dinner waiting, certainly a quarter to six would be fine with me, if you are sure it isn’t too inconvenient.”

He is trying too hard she thought as she listened to him, knowing that she had been right. All this was only a brief respite from what was happening and even now, knowing that her husband may come home unemployed, she still felt like there was hope. Maybe it was the shrill sounds of laughter coming into the house from outside or maybe it was simply her gut feelings, whatever it was she refused to bow down to the weight or to let the fear take hold. She might be getting old but that only made it easier, because with age came experience. She had seen all this before, now she could recognize it at least, that had to help some.

“No, that will be fine Pastor.”

“Thank you, Mrs Goldberg, well, uh, I’ll see you all then, thank you.”

His hands were sweaty as he put down the receiver and stared over at the wall across from his desk. He felt very tired all of a sudden, almost as if he were carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. It just didn’t feel right really, to feel this tired for doing really nothing. Okay he may not have a good sleep but he had done that before without feeling this tired, or was it really that he was tired or just feeling defeated?

The notion of defeat came to him and as it rolled around among his thoughts he felt the fear inside of his heart. What was it about all this tragedy that was eating at him so much? He had dealt with this before, dealt with gay youths turned away by their parents, dealt with the loss of children before, even dealt with prejudices too. So what made all this so different to him?

His eyes crossed over the wall and the small statue grabbed his attention, and his eyes bore in on the lone figure. His heart beat a few extra beats per second as his focus was held by the pale loin clothed image that hung there, the face looking downwards, the hands outstretched while the feet were crossed at the ankles, dangling there. How many times had he looked at the cross that adorned the wall before and yet right this second it was almost as if he were seeing it for the very first time and it scared him.

How could he not recognize it after all these years of being one of HIS ministers? Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes as he replayed the mornings brief encounter with the Fisher’s. Basically a committee from the Church had managed all the details, and all he needed was to get some final decisions. There was the eulogy, whether to have an open or closed casket, the basic going over of how the service would proceed, who would speak and what hymns to use. All of that was routine really and he had mostly shut it out from his mind but as he sat here now, staring at HIM, he felt like he had failed in his duty, in his job as a Minister of God.

It terrified him because it was something he had never really felt before. Pastor Johnson had always believed he was doing a good job, always believed he was doing the best any mortal being could do in following the wishes and desires of HIS LORD, and yet now, sitting in his chair, staring at the crucifix, he knew in his heart that he had never really done all that he could. He had never done something simply because it was right, there was always a caveat attached and now, staring at the lone sorrowful figure he wondered if HE too had ever had such thoughts?

His heart continued to ache even as the tears gently rolled down the side of his face as he thought about Justin Fisher and how sad it was to see someone so young taken away and despite all the trite sayings he had never really felt such a loss before. In some ways he thought he had known the Fishers, hell Sharon worked for him for years and he knew the boys from every Sunday service that they attended and now, sitting here alone he realized that he really didn’t know any of them like he had thought. It bothered him too because he was supposed to be their spiritual advisor, and yet how could he advise them if he didn’t know who they were? How could he offer them solace if he didn’t know why or how they were hurting?

The thought of having to face Robbie and the two Goldberg boys, never mind the Rabbi and his wife, was making him sweat and feel totally ill at ease. How could he tell any of them that Justin’s parents refused to have them present, and that Robbie could attend, providing he kept to the back of the Church? How could he do what he knew deep in his heart was wrong and yet he had agreed to it, he had surrendered his principles and for what? To give solace to the grieving parents was his excuse but what about Robbie’s grief? Did that not count as well and who was he to say whose grief was more deserving of consideration?

Christ, if he kept on this way, he knew he was going to give himself ulcers but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t stop thinking about it anymore. He had a sermon to write and it lay uncompleted, another first for him because that was the one part of his job he never had troubles with, until now. Then there was his schedule for meetings to arrange other church functions and once more a first for him as he delegated it to someone else, something he had never done before either. How could all this happen and he still not know why? Was it the undertone of racism or was it just plain old fashioned fear of the unknown?

Again his eyes were drawn to that figure on his wall and again he felt the warm wet tears rolling down his face as he sat there, feeling the fear of what he really knew he had to do. Deep down he could hear that voice hammering softly at him, demanding gently that he listen and as hard as he tried, he couldn’t ignore that voice anymore, he couldn’t deny it and his hands shook a little as he tried to reason with it, tried to explain to it but each time he tried, each time he heard his own voice inside his head speak the excuses, his heart ached more and his body grew more uneasy.

The sound of the door slamming in the wind’s pull startled him and he could hear his wife as she entered the house. His eyes had moved to the doorway and yet even as they looked for her, he could feel the tug on them, the strange desire to gaze once more at a statue he had been looking at for decades and yet which today seemed new and fresh and different. Maybe it was that he was getting older and lack of sleep combined to make him feel this way or maybe not, maybe it was time he stopped looking for explanations; because truly, everything that needed answering was answered, all he had to do was look in the right place, the place he had long since stopped looking into.

The Boys

His chest ached from struggling for air as he tried to push past the taller figure that kept moving with him. His body continued to just flow with his own motion and as much as he tried, he couldn’t shake the figure, couldn’t seem to find anyway past him and the frustration grew as he bounced the ball off, out of reach but he could feel it lessening, feel his own body growing frustrated and yet he tried to keep his focus, tried to move one way then another and yet each time, each feint to the one side, the taller figure stayed with him, almost as if he could read his mind and know before he did which way he was going to go. It grew hotter as he tried a last ditch gamble and just when he thought he had succeeded the long arm came out, snatching the ball from out of his hand and he stood there, doubled over heaving for air as the taller figure moved out and then in, pumping once and then carefully lofting the orange ball upwards. He saw it sail way over his head towards the white backboard, and then without even touching it or the rim, sail right through the tattered netting and bounce harmlessly on the pavement beneath it.

Sweat dripped endlessly from his forehead as he reached up, gasping for air to try and wipe away the annoying drops, his mouth hanging open and his body aching. His hands rested on his knees as he heaved more and gulped in the fresh afternoon air, trying to regain his composure as he saw the dark haired one come over and slap the back of the taller boy. How the hell had he forgotten just how good Josh was at this? It seemed like if anything, Josh had gotten better than he remembered and yet Josh hadn’t been playing for ages.

“What’s the matter little brother? Too much for you young pup?”

“Funny, just you wait!”

“Yeah? For what, the second coming? Gonna be a long time I think.”

It was like they were back in Toronto. The banter, the joking around even as they both struggled to just breath and yet he knew it was different, knew that he could never just go back to the way it had been. His heart ached not just from all the running and jostling, but from knowing that life was changing for him, changing in a way he wasn’t sure he would like.

“Haha, Jesus Josh, when did you get so good?”

“Maybe it’s not that I am good, just that you are out of shape? You been doing any running this summer?”

“Some.”

“Uh huh, well there you go… I still go jogging, well until… I…”

The catch in Josh’s voice made Joel stare up at his older brother and for a moment he saw the pain that was inside of him. Joel felt uneasy, wishing he knew how to take that pain away and yet knowing enough that there was no way he could, that now it rested with Robbie and not him. As he thought about it, he saw Robbie slowly walk over to them, Bobby trailing and as he stared over at the sweating figure, he felt a twinge of jealousy, wishing that he could put things back to the way they had been, where it was just him and Josh.

“Hey you two gonna just stand there or we gonna play?”

“Hey give us a break superstar, the little one is tired.”

“Little one? Who you calling little one?”

“You squirt… “

“I’ll get you for this, Josh!”

“Not today you won’t Joel… you okay?”

“Yeah… guess I am just bit tired.”

“Hey guys, how about a break?”

The way that Joel and Josh spoke to each other hurt, it made his heart ache because in many ways it was no different than how he and Justin had talked to each other. The loss grew inside of him as he saw the pale face of his brother flash before him, the sorrowful look in his eyes after a special session and he felt the rage building up inside too. How could he have failed Justin so badly? Why hadn’t he done something, anything really instead of running like the coward that he was? How could he have abandoned his own brother?

“Okay by me, Bobby?”

“Uh yeah sure, uh, I thought you didn’t play much Basketball, Josh?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, no I don’t, used to play with squirt here, but that was ages ago…”

“Squirt? God I forgot how that used to piss me off…”

“True, but it sure got you going.”

Joel’s eyes sparkled a little as his memories flooded back to him. Josh used to always egg him on, calling him squirt near the end of their time playing. Funny how he had never tweaked to that, but standing here now, puffing and huffing, he realized that Josh always used that technique near the end, when he was the most tired, the most vulnerable and it had made him mad. In fact it used to make him so mad that he would go nuts trying to score a basket and he would attack Josh too, desperate to get the ball away. God, it was all an act, and as it dawned on him now, he could feel tears mingling with the drops of sweat near his eyes.

“Uh huh.”

“So you never played in a team or anything?”

“Me? Not for a long time, did for a bit but… well I never stuck with it.”

“Huh? You did? I don’t remember, when?”

“Oh long time ago, junior year at High School.”

“I don’t… why didn’t you stick with it?”

“Never cared to, uh, let’s drop it.”

His legs were hurting but he didn’t miss that flash of pain, didn’t miss that slight hesitancy in Josh’s voice that made his eyes focus quickly onto his brother’s face. The others missed it, but he hadn’t and he knew that somehow he had missed something from back then. Knowing Josh as he thought he did, he could see that he didn’t want to discuss it, yet he was curious as he tried to recollect that time, having little luck as he felt his wind returning, his body still trembling a little but now he wasn’t sure if it were from all the running or something else.

“Okay.”

“You don’t look like you don’t care for it, you got some good moves Josh.”

“You have to say that, after all, you are…”

“Shit, why did I know you would say that, but serious man, you do have some good moves out there, how come you didn’t stick with it?”

His eyes moved away from Joel’s heaving body towards Robbie and he tried not to, but he couldn’t help but stare into his face and look deep into Robbie’s eyes. He felt the love wash over him and yet even as he did, he knew suddenly that Robbie knew. He felt terrified by it, and as his eyes continued to be held captive by Robbie’s, he felt the shame of a time he had long since pushed out of his memory. Now it was all there again, as if it were just yesterday. Just for a second he felt anger at Robbie, wishing he hadn’t mentioned it, wishing too that he could just ignore those images now flashing across his vision.

“Well, let’s just say I wasn’t into the rigours of practise and leave it at that.”

“Rigours of what? Huh?”

“I think he means he was too lazy to practise, but… come on Josh, you aren’t that type, so how come?”

“Shit, look, let’s just say that back then, I wasn’t that good and uh, well…”

“You didn’t like the extra attention you got, right?”

Josh was surprised at Robbie’s sudden doggedness in pursuing this. He could tell that he didn’t want to discuss it, so why the fuck was Robbie pushing? Josh glared for a moment or two at Robbie but he found no comfort there, instead he felt like he was being pushed, like Robbie was in fact daring him to run, daring him to ignore the sudden challenge. His heart grew silent as he tried to figure it all out, to decipher what it was that Robbie seemed to want from him.

His head throbbed as he remembered his junior year of High School and he felt like any second his head would fall off his shoulders. His mind was cloudy as he tried to figure out how Robbie had known, because he had never mentioned it, least not that he could remember and yet, somehow Robbie knew, how? Josh stared at Robbie, willing him to let it go and yet even as he began to speak, to voice what he wanted, he could feel Robbie inside of him, feel his touch against his soul and he knew that Robbie wouldn’t let it go, that something else was now driving him and it scared him.

“How the…. can we drop this?”

“Whoa, what do you mean, Robbie?”

“Go on Josh, you tell him, he should know.”

It was like everything had turned red before him as he realized that once more Josh had kept something from him. His anger grew and he felt his hands ball up into fists as he struggled with the raging emotions inside of himself. How could Josh have kept even more from him? Where was the trust he had spoken about and what was it that Robbie knew that he didn’t? What?

“Know what? Shit, you got more secrets, Josh?”

The harshness of Joel’s tone made him turn around and break the contact between him and Robbie. He could see the anger building up in his brother and he cursed Robbie for a moment, maybe even hating him for putting him into this situation but then he realized that it wasn’t Robbie’s fault. He should have told Joel this long ago, but he had been too ashamed, to embarrassed to tell him.

“No, well, not really…”

“Then what is it? What is Robbie talking about?”

He felt like he was being backed into a corner that he couldn’t get out of and yet part of him was wishing he could just say it, just get it off his chest because it had bugged him, maybe it was one of the reasons he had rebelled so much later on, or maybe it was just time? Damn he wished Robbie hadn’t seen through his excuse, and for a mere second or two he was pissed at Robbie, wondering how he could dare to make him tell but it passed, more or less.

“Shit Joel, this isn’t the time, or place to uh… I mean…”

“Fuck that, why can’t you tell me? You get caught with some guy on the team or something?”

“NO! Fuck Joel, it wasn’t anything like that…”

He was ready to walk away as he couldn’t handle this anymore. He trusted Josh but it was obvious that Josh didn’t trust him for whatever reason. It was almost like it had been before and his anger was almost too much for him. How could Josh keep things still from him but share them with Robbie? It wasn’t fair, it just wasn’t right either; he was there first, long before Josh even knew Robbie, so why should Robbie know and not he?

“Then what man? Tell me!”

“Christ Joel, you know how it was back there, at the school, do I really have to explain it to you?”

Josh’s voice was so quiet, so soft and yet filled with so much pain and anguish that Joel almost missed it. His eyes grew bigger as he looked at his big brother, at the guy who had gone behind his back and made the bullies leave him alone, and yet here he was, afraid to tell him that he too had hidden from it, had taken a less than honourable route in order to just survive. It all made sense to him now, the way Josh would practise with him, the way he would always push harder, always going a bit beyond what was allowed and now Joel understood why. Now he knew why Josh had pushed him, had called him squirt knowing how angry it made him. Now he knew.

“OH, shit, I didn’t know… but why didn’t you, never mind, guess I know the answer to that too.”

Bobby had seen the way the three guys were looking back and forth at each other. He had seen the anger flash between them but he had seen something else, something that scared him as he could see the anger pass and something else would then show through, something he didn’t quite recognize but could guess at.

It was weird watching the way Robbie could look at Josh or Josh at Robbie and not know what they were thinking. It felt kind of icky to him and yet it made him curious, wondering what it was like to have those kinds of feelings, wondering if he would ever feel that way about someone, hoping too that it wouldn’t be another guy.

The thought that it might be another guy frightened him but not as much as he had thought. Instead it was kind of awkward realizing that he just wanted to feel what Robbie and Josh were feeling for each other, and while he didn’t think he’d ever want to do it with a guy, it was new to him to even think that it could happen, that what he wanted wasn’t just for a guy and girl to feel. His whole thinking was suddenly being twisted and changed and he shivered a little, as he stared at Joel, seeing his eyes flicker with anger and then deep love for his older brother. God he wished he could have something like that and then he felt a tear in his eye, knowing that in some ways he had had that. What he saw Joel feeling for Josh was no different than how he had felt for Justin and he knew deep inside, that Justin had felt something for him too, but was it the same as Joel’s feelings or was it more like Josh’s?

Seeing the way the three looked at each other, the way they would all sneak glances at the other from under their eyes reminded him so much of Justin that he felt the pain inside growing, knowing that there had been a lot more to Justin than he ever realized, and sad that now he would never know it all, never feel whatever it was that Justin had for him.

He had known that there were ‘things’ on Justin’s mind, stuff that, if he had only asked him about, he would now know, but he had been afraid, or maybe it wasn’t afraid as he was just not sure? Whatever the reason was on why he never asked, never talked to him like Robbie was doing now to Josh, or the way even Joel was talking, it didn’t matter because Justin was gone, but these guys weren’t. Bobby knew he didn’t want to be on the sidelines anymore, that he wanted to know even if it would bug him later, least he would know which was a damn sight better than not knowing. If only he had felt that way before Justin had died, maybe things for him would be different; maybe he wouldn’t be feeling so alone, so empty inside or so sorry.

“Uh, what are you guys talking about? I mean… if you don’t mind telling me…”

“Nothing Bobby, just forget it.”

All he really wanted to do this instant was race over and take Josh into his arms, to hold him and give him something of what Josh had been giving him from the very minute they had met, which was love and the courage needed to love. Funny, he had really thought that killing himself would end it all, would stop the pain and yet even now, knowing the pain that Josh was feeling was hurting he knew how holding it in hurt even more, how it would lead to much worse pain and he couldn’t let Josh feel that, not if he really loved him and he knew he did. He couldn’t escape that, couldn’t hide that Josh was his life, and as much as he missed Justin right now, as much as he wished he had a family to run to like Josh and Joel did, it wouldn’t mean anything if he didn’t do this, if he didn’t help Josh face the truth too.

“NO! Sorry Josh, but no, he needs to know.”

“Why? Christ Robbie what purpose would it be to tell him?”

“He is the team captain, he needs to know, he is going to have to deal with it sooner than later, you know that, and so too is Joel… “

“Huh? I mean, Robbie…”

“Go on Josh, tell Bobby, let him and let Joel know. If you don’t, well, how can they fight it, if they aren’t prepared? You know I am right.”

His face was first off tight with rage, then softened by the sadness of knowing that what Robbie was saying was true and then it grew constricted as he realized just what Joel would have to face, and Bobby too if he stuck by Joel. God what a crazy world he thought and as his anger grew inside, so did his frustration because he knew now that he would have to admit to his shame, that if he loved his younger brother, he had to tell him. All he had, the love and respect of his brother was now once more at risk, the reason he had never told him or anyone else and yet somehow Robbie had known and he looked over at him, staring at his face.

Josh could see the small muscles around the corner of Robbie’s eyes, see the way they were stretched and he knew that Robbie was scared, knew that he was using every bit of his courage to stick to this, to help him get past his own shame, his own secret. Seeing that, he felt the love too and as much as his mind tried to push it away, angry at being called out on this, his heart wouldn’t let it. He still felt that tingle deep in his body, still felt that electricity that had passed between them in that one moment, when they had become one and he could still hear Robbie’s heart next to his, their beat in sync as they joined together as one.

The frustration was there, he could feel it holding him and he felt the numbness as his body was rigid with fear and with trepidation and yet looking at Robbie, he knew he would do this, even as his mind tried one last time to block it, to evade it once more.

“YES, OKAY? I am sorry… shit, I know you are right Robbie, guess I should, but it isn’t something, well I am not proud of, how I dealt with it isn’t exactly something I want to remember, to dredge up again, okay? It still kind of hurts…”

He really didn’t know why he was this way, he couldn’t begin to even explain the strange feelings that kept running through his body but he didn’t care anymore. He just did what he knew he had to do and so Robbie moved closer, walking slowly towards Josh, his eyes never once leaving his face until he finally stood right next to Josh.

Robbie reached out with his hand, and his fingers lightly touched one of Josh’s hands, grabbing a few fingers and he felt the love suddenly filling his body. Josh loved him, it was still there and he knew that he loved Josh, his fingers tingled as the power of their love for each other came to them both, passing from the soft touch of their fingers. His eyes filled with tears as he looked into Josh’s face, seeing the blinding flash of love that filled Josh’s soul and he sighed as he stood there, waiting for the rest to finally come out, knowing that when it did, they would be closer than ever, knowing that he had risked it all and won.

It wasn’t a big victory as battles go, but for him, it was like he had just won the world war. He knew that he could win at things, and once more he felt alive, felt the power of the wind blowing across his face and body. No more were the dark thoughts all he could think of as he stood there, his fingers gently caressing the two fingers they held. It was as he had dreamed of, a dream that he had only shared with Justin and the sadness came, the dream shimmering but there was no Justin to share that realization with.

His eyes filled with tears of regret as he looked into Josh’s face, feeling him understand what it was he was doing, and he tried to smile but couldn’t and yet he could see in Josh’s eyes that he knew and that was enough for him.

“I know that feeling, but I think, no, I know that this is different now, you are different now and hell, these guys here, they are different too. I think you owe it to them but, well it is like your mom told me, you owe it to yourself too Josh.”

“I suppose.”

Josh had seen the way Robbie was looking at him and he could feel the beat of Robbie’s heart next to his own and all the anger, the rage, the fear even seemed to suddenly disappear. All he could feel was a tiredness and a glow too, almost as if something hot were burning deep within his body. His eyes stared into Robbie’s and he saw his lover’s pain and yet it wasn’t like it had been before, it was almost as if the wounds were slowly being plugged, as if the blood no longer poured out but only seeped out slowly as their love grew stronger. He felt the shudder in his soul as he wondered if Joel would understand, if the love they had shared as brothers would be enough and he glanced down at the ground, then up at Robbie and finally over towards Joel.

There was no mistaking his brother’s look, or how he was feeling as his eyes slowly gathered up the nerve to peer inside of them. His heart held its beat for a second because he knew that Joel had understood what he had kept hidden. Now his only question was, would it change how Joel looked at him? Staring into his face, all he could see was an unbending love, a bond that may have some tatters around the edges, but it was intact and as strong as it had ever been. He sighed as he slowly sat down on the edge of the grass and driveway, looking between his legs at the grey cement, his hands on his upraised knees and his head slightly bowed.

Everything seemed so silent all of a sudden as he stared at the cement and wondered if things would have been different if he hadn’t just quit? He didn’t know really how Joel would react, even though he seemed like he understood but it still made him pause, until Robbie sat down next to him and leaned into him. He felt the warmth of his sweaty body next to his, their skin touching and the fires deep within began to flicker and glow as he breathed in deeply, smelling Robbie’s aroma, feeling his support.

Without looking up he began to talk, to tell them how he had been so pumped up by the idea of playing High School basketball. He never for a moment had thought that he wouldn’t be accepted, that he wouldn’t make the team either because he was good. He had loved playing it outside and down at the public court a few blocks from their home. Yet in the back of his mind he had always known that something just wasn’t right, wasn’t kosher with him and the new school.

At first he had put that down to being a new kid in a new school but there were hints, nothing you could really put your finger on, but stuff that made him nervous. Things like how some of the kids looked at him or how some girls would avoid looking at him when he came close. Even in classes he thought things were different, like how he might know an answer and the teacher in some of his classes would always look for someone else to answer and only come to him when no one else had their hand up. Things like that and yet when it came to playing ball, he never for a second thought that it would happen there, but it had.

In the beginning he just thought it was normal razzing of the new kid, the way his locker would be suddenly locked with a different lock, or his locker emptied into the trash. It never really dawned on him that it wasn’t because he was the new kid, not until he started to get into the drills out on the court. Kids would come past and deliberately miss hitting the ball, slapping his bare arms. They would push a bit harder on his back as he tried to get past them, many of them just refusing to give him any ground, almost leaning their whole bodies into his, and always the slapping, the hard flick of their wrists against his bare arms. The coach always calling him for a foul even when the defender was clearly moving his feet, not standing still. Each time he would argue he got laps, others who argued a call merely warned to not argue.

His voice was soft as he spoke, his eyes never leaving the cement and yet part of him wanted to, wanted to look up and see what Joel was thinking, to see what Bobby was thinking but he couldn’t. Instead he just kept talking, feeling Robbie’s body pressing a bit harder against his own as his voice cracked a little, as he told them how they would laugh at him when tripped up by another team member, how the coach would berate him in front of everyone if he missed a basket or if he fell or lost the ball. Not once did the Coach ever call anyone for a foul when playing against him on the one on one drills, not one time did the Coach stop the others from pushing and clawing at the ball he held.

He could still see it now, the way he first began to dread going to practise, first began to try and think of excuses to not go but his mother and father were so proud of him, they kept calling him their little superstar and then there was Joel. He told them how every night after dinner Joel would pester him to go out and shoot hoops, and how he would talk about following in his footsteps, asking him if he ever thought about making it to the NBA and all that. How could he tell him that he wanted to quit? That all he could think of during the day was in trying to figure out a way to not make the team?

Josh stopped for a second and he noticed two sets of feet now in front of him, and he knew that both Bobby and Joel had sat down in front of him, and yet other than for the shadow of their feet, he had no idea they were there. It was suddenly like he was off in a room, knowing that people were there but all he could see was a replay of one of the worst times of his life. He shivered a little and as his body shook he saw a hand rest on the back of one arm. He could feel the electricity suddenly running into his body as he sniffled a bit and then picked up where he had left off.

He explained how some of the kids didn’t really press him hard, but then how they too would suddenly find themselves on the same sort of treatment as he did, which in turn made them press harder. It wasn’t like they were openly violating the rules either, he could see that and yet in a game, all that they were doing to him would be called and he couldn’t figure out why the Coach allowed it, hell he couldn’t even figure out why the Coach always seemed to be yelling at him, sending him on extra laps, making him do extra push ups or something and yet never singling out any of the others.

Finally it was the day before tryouts were scheduled to end, and that is when he found out what it was about. He came to the locker room to find a black cross on his locker door, the German swastika was scrawled across it, and he could hear the snickering from behind the other bank of lockers. As he spoke he closed his eyes, seeing that image dancing before him and he began to shake, the tears rolling down his face as he saw it all, as he felt once more the terror reaching out for him.

Even now he felt that terror still reaching for him, still trying to strangle him and the tears became a torrent down his face as his whole body began to tremble from it. It wasn’t dulled and his mind recoiled from it, as it tried to once more influence him, as it tried to get him to stand up and run but Robbie’s arm was around him now and he could feel the love fighting with his mind, feel it holding his heart as his voice croaked out the words.

“I ran, I didn’t even look around, I just ran out crying, it was horrible, I could barely breath as I ran out of the gym, past the Coach who didn’t say a word, not a fucking word as I tore out of that place as fast as I could go. I didn’t stop till I was at home, and I hid out in back, waiting for when school ended. Then I walked in, and went straight to my room, ignoring Mom, grunting at her and just saying nothing. I felt so scared, so frightened that I could hardly eat and the worst thing, the very worst was that they knew Joel, they knew but never said a word. They just looked at each other and when you wanted to go out and shoot hoops that night, Papa made up an excuse for me, getting me out of it, and he never said a word, did you know that? Not a word to me, all he did was just stop talking about basketball.

Christ, they used to always put the games on when I was home, but from that night they never did. They knew, they didn’t even ask me the next day if I had made the team, and only you asked, and I told you no, that I was cut, and I saw Papa look at Mama, I saw the hurt in his face and it made me feel so, so dirty.

I am sorry, I never told you, but I couldn’t, you were so used to looking up at me, those eyes always looking like I was some hero or something. I am not, I am a coward, when it came right down to it Joel I cut and ran. And then later, when you wanted to play more, to try out too, I decided to make you what I wasn’t. I wanted to get you used to the dirty tricks, so I used them, used them on you until you lost your cool and then wised up. And that way at least I was able to convince myself that maybe, just maybe I was okay to be your brother, that maybe now you wouldn’t have to know what I had done because I had seen that you wouldn’t run, that you wouldn’t feel the terror like I did.

I guess in some ways I am still running from it. Maybe it was why I never told you the other stuff too, about me being gay, because I couldn’t. I was afraid of losing your… your love, I know it was wrong, I do, but I just didn’t know how to tell you Joel? Please… don’t hate me? Please?”

Robbie looked up at Joel and saw the tears running down his face and the way the sun was filling the sky, for a moment or two he saw a small rainbow of colour in the liquid that rolled down Joel’s face. He wondered for a mere instant if Joel would understand, if Bobby would understand and then he turned away to pull Josh closer into his own body. His own fears and regrets filling his own heart for the moment as he thought about Justin, wondering if only he had told Justin would it have helped? Would Justin have listened like Joel had or would he have rejected him like his father and mother had?

He didn’t know the answer to that as he held Josh but he wished he could and his eyes glanced upwards for a moment, looking up into the clear blue sky with just a hint of a cloud. His eyes grew moist as his heart beat faster and he blinked, turning away to look at Josh. Robbie held his breath as Joel stood up and moved over to stand at the other side of his big brother.

Josh noticed the feet moving, knowing it was Joel’s feet and he waited, his breath being held and making his chest ache as if he were standing before a Judge and Jury, awaiting the outcome of a trial. In some ways it was and he prayed for God to give Joel help, to let him know that he really did love him and that he was sorry. His body grew cold as he finally turned his head upwards and towards Joel who now towered over his sitting body.

Joel slowly hunched down on his haunches, his eyes filled with tears as he first looked at Josh and then over at Robbie. His eye flashed and then he turned to stare over at Bobby who was silent and still. He could see the way Bobby held himself, his hands on his knees and he just knew that they were sweaty with fear and nervousness.

“I couldn’t hate you no matter what, shit you are my brother, and Josh, you are more my, my hero today than ever before. I love you, nothing or no one can ever change that, emmess[7. on my honor, my word, pledged before God].”

Joel reached out and placed his hand on Josh’s shoulder and looked at him, their eyes meeting and he smiled as he felt the racing engine of his heart threatening to burst from his chest. He could feel the relieve that was pouring into Josh and he looked again at Robbie, and this time there was no flash of anger, no spark of indignation or anything, instead there was just a sort of admiration and thankfulness.

Joel sat down and rested against his brothers trembling body, his eyes filled with tears as he saw all that he had heard and then more. He saw Josh pushing at him in the backyard, making him hold still despite the obvious difference in strength and size, he could feel the press of his hand even now on his back trying to get him off stride and now he knew why, now he began to really feel the love that he knew was always there.

He looked over at Bobby and he knew too that he was asking a lot of this stranger and he could see the terror trying to reach for Bobby. There was no mistaking the thoughts that were going through Bobby’s mind and as much as he wanted to be on the team, as much as he wanted to have what every kid his age had, he knew it couldn’t happen.

“Bobby… uh maybe, maybe it’d be best if I didn’t go out for the team this year.”

Josh’s head looked up as he heard Joel’s words and he felt like a failure, thinking that he had scared Joel off and he was about to say something ,when he felt Robbie twist at his arm, as if telling him to hush, to keep silent for the moment. His head swivelled and he knew he was right and so he kept quiet, his eyes boring in on Bobby, wondering if he would take Joel’s offer or would he reject it. He could see the relief that seemed to flash across his young face and he felt sick in his stomach, thinking that once more they would win.

“You mean that Joel?”

He had seen the relief cross Bobby’s face and he felt the sadness inside. It would have been nice to have him around, as a friend and to shoot hoops with but he couldn’t ask him to share in all this shit too, that wouldn’t be right so he had to offer him an out, and as much as he fully expected Bobby to take it, he still felt a bit sad that he was going to. Maybe it wasn’t logical but he had kind of hoped that Bobby wouldn’t take the offer, still he couldn’t blame him either. What had happened last night wasn’t normal, wasn’t logical, and he could feel it inside, that what had happened was just a beginning that more was to follow. No, he knew it was best that Bobby accept, still it hurt him a little as he lowered his eyes from his new friend’s face.

“Yeah.”

Bobby sat there, his eyes averted from everyone else’s as he thought about all he had heard. He could tell that Joel and Josh had something special between them and it was kind of neat to see really and yet there was Robbie too. It was weird how he looked at Josh and yet it all made sense now to him. His own mind was confused because all of this, it couldn’t be real, not here in this country but as he had listened, he knew that it was real.

He didn’t know what to say when Josh had finished and he still didn’t know what to say when Joel had spoken and given him an out. His mind felt relieved to the point where it seemed like he was rejoicing and yet his heart had been quiet, had been still that made the exuberant mind suddenly stop, as if it weres confused by the lack of celebration coming from all over.

From under his long eyelashes he snuck a look at Josh and then at the way that Joel was sitting next to him. His eyes blinked a few times and he lowered his head even more as he thought about it, wondering if he could ever be that strong, that caring about someone and then his eyes seemed to be growing heavy, and he felt a tremble deep in his soul. His body shook a little as he felt the pull, and his eyes obeyed the sudden call and locked with the glittering eyes of Robbie and as they met, he saw Justin.

It scared him and he wanted to pull away but he couldn’t. His whole body was glued to the spot it sat in as he saw the image of his best friend, saw his look and the pain on his face and he felt like he wanted to run, to hide from all of this and yet he couldn’t. He could feel Justin’s presence and he took a deep breathe, knowing that what he decided now would last forever in his mind, would perhaps even define just who he was.

Justin had always told him that he was a good guy, that he was a real friend to him and now he knew it would be put to the test. Was he really that good of a friend or not? His body shook as his mind urged him one way, his heart silent and still as if it knew the answer before he did and as he looked into Robbie’s eyes, seeing Justin, he knew too at last what he had to do.

“You and me Joel, are we friends?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah, sure, I mean it’s okay… if…”

“No man, that isn’t what I mean. I mean you and me, right now, we are friends, right?”

“Yeah, right…”

“Then why you bailing on me?”

It wasn’t like Bobby’s voice had gone up an octave or two, in fact it was really quite soft but somehow the words were like thunder, almost as if they had been fired out of some huge cannon. Joel felt like he had just been hit in the face by it and it stunned him for a second as he felt Josh’s hand reaching for his, holding it tightly as if to steady him.

“Huh? I am not… I just that…”

“Fuck man, I don’t know shit about this swastika stuff or anything about why some hate Jews, never came up I guess, but if you are my friend, then you can’t quit, not now.”

“You know what you are saying? Shit dude, you heard what Josh said, how it’ll be…”

“Uh I heard how it was… how it might be… not how it will be.”

“Fuck you know it will be that way, ten times worse more than likely…”

“Yeah maybe, so?”

“So? Shit doesn’t it scare you?”

“Duh! Shit dude, staying doesn’t mean you gonna win. They still could win, but fuck man, if you quit, for sure they win, and that kind of pisses me off more than maybe getting into some fights, besides, I had a good teacher in how to fight back…”

“Fuck… you serious Bobby? I mean, look at what they did last night, can you imagine what it’ll be like at practise? They won’t leave you out of this… they’ll…”

“Hey I know that, tough for them, I ain’t some damn pussy, uh sorry, I mean, shit you know what I mean, besides I can take care of myself on the court, and from what Josh here has said, I think you can too, if you want too.”

Josh’s hand relaxed on his and he felt his lungs going back to normal as he tried to make sense out of it all. Why would Bobby risk all his friendships just for him? Was it real or was he just saying this cause of Robbie and because maybe he felt sorry for Josh? Was it that or Christ, did he maybe think that he, Joel, was like Josh and Robbie too?

“It isn’t easy to go through senior year alone man…”

“Ain’t, got you as a friend don’t I?”

“Yeah… you know we are gonna get our asses kicked?”

“Probably, but shit, might just do some ass kicking of our own you know?”

“Why man? Why you willing to go against them, I mean shit you have known them for years…”

“If they really are my friends, then they’ll listen and leave you and me alone; if they aren’t, well who needs those kinds of friends… besides…”

“Besides what?”

“I don’t know, just not how I think friends should be.”

“Still man, this could be rough.”

“So? Least it will be interesting.”

Funny, as much as he realized that Bobby really meant it, he knew that it was taking a lot of effort on his part to act like it wasn’t scaring the shit out of him. Then too it was scaring the shit out of him and he was acting the same way. Man, what a day this was turning out to be as he stared at Bobby, looking at his solemn face and knowing that he really did have a friend.

Robbie had held his breath while waiting for Bobby to speak and then as the words had come, he had felt the relief and even some pride too as Bobby refused to back down. He could tell that Bobby was scared, hell they all were scared when it came right down to it, but together they might just stand a chance and he looked over at Josh and saw the understanding growing on him. There was no mistaking the love that flowed from him to Josh and back again but he had been worried at first, but now it was all settled. Josh knew now why it had been important for him to share his secret, because without it who knows how Bobby would have acted, or Joel for that matter.

“Christ… well… we uh gonna sit here all day or play some hoops?”

“Good idea, you two punks need some practise, what do you say Robbie? You and me against these two punks?”

“Sure, not a fair match up though, I mean that one there is so puny.”

Joel laughed as he stared over at Josh and Robbie. He could see the relief in their faces and more than that; he thought maybe he could understand a bit of why things were the way they were. It still was confusing, this gay stuff but he could tell that Robbie was made for Josh, and maybe it really was by design, by some grand scheme and who was he to argue with that?

“Hey, I may be puny bro but I get wise quick… so come on grandpa let’s see what you got?”

He felt a hitch in his heart as Joel’s words echoed in his head. For a mere instant it was almost like it had been between him and Justin, only now, Justin was gone but Joel was here and more than that, Joel accepted him. It made him grin as he slapped Josh’s shoulder and sprang up, feeling a bit easier in his heart now that things were a bit more settled for Joel.

“Grandpa huh? Okay, come on Josh, let’s show em how it is done.”

Robbie suddenly sprang to his feet and then put his hand out towards Josh who quickly grabbed it and also regained his feet. There was a new sparkle to his face and Joel was quick to rise as well, feeling like life had a funny way of working out. Whatever was going to happen didn’t seem so scary now, because he knew sort of what to expect and more than that, he felt that he and Bobby had sort of passed through the first test of friendship, something he hadn’t really expected.

Her eyes were misted over as she watched the four young boys all standing up once more, all of their faces shining as if they had just woken up and her heart felt a bit easier too as she watched her own two boys walk away from the grass. It was too much really as she felt the tears rolling down her face and she wiped them away with a hurried exasperated brush.

As her hand came away from her face, she almost jumped out of her skin as she felt a hand resting on her shoulder. She turned around to see Abner standing next to her and a small smile on his lips as he just stood there, taking it all in. She leaned back now, her head resting on his upper chest as she too stared out at the four young boys battling it out with a large orange ball.

“Nu? What’s the verdict mien shaineh maidel[8. my pretty girl]?”

“Ach, so early with the shmaltz[9. grease, flattery, praise], save it for the meeting tonight Abner, you will need it I think.”

“No, no shmaltz tonight, tonight I think is time for some truth, and what happens after, well…”

“Yes, I suppose… the lawyer? So, he took your case?”

“Yes, he is filing some papers before the court closes today he said, Adele… he is different, but he is good, I think the Board will not be pleased in meeting him tonight.”

“Good he is going then? So, how much is this gonna cost us?”

“He wanted a 1000 dollars, to cover the papers he said he needed to file today and to reply to them when the shmucks answered, I gave him a cheque, that okay?”

“Yes, we put Miriam’s money in earlier this morning, but what, I mean how much is it going to cost us?”

“He said we would have to pay his costs, for filings and that, but other than that, he didn’t think he could charge for his services.”

“No? Why?”

“I don’t know really, he just said that he owed it to help, strange no?”

“No, not so strange I think Abner, after all even lawyers have a heart.”

He looked at her and felt nothing but love for this woman who had given him her heart so many years ago. How could it be that long when to him it seemed like only yesterday when he had known he was in love with her? He shook his head, amazed at how much he loved her.

“And? How are they doing?”

“Good I think, Abner…”

“Yes?”

“Joshua, he finally told Joel…”

“Told Joel? Oh, he did? With everyone else there?”

“Yes, you know Abner, that Robbie… I think our Joshua made a good choice, don’t you?”

“I think that whoever made the choice made a good one Adele, somehow I don’t think it was our Joshua though who first thought of it.”

“No? Perhaps you are right, perhaps you are right.”

They stood there for a few more minutes before heading back into the house. His head was filled still with all that the lawyer had said to him and he needed to talk to Adele, to try and see what she thought because in times like this, she had the clearer head and more than that, if he didn’t, she’d stop cooking for him. He couldn’t have that but even as he made light of it in his mind, he knew that her opinion was important to him. Together they stood a chance, alone he doubted if he would have lasted this long even.

He was about to sit down when the phone rang and he saw her expression and the way her colour suddenly drained from her face. As she started to move towards the phone, he reached out and touched her arm, looking into her face and shaking his head. He moved past her and answered the phone himself, his own face growing a bit chalkier as he listened to the voice on the other end and then he softly replaced the receiver into the cradle of the phone, his heart keeping a perfect beat. Abner turned from the phone and looked at her, then he opened his arms and she came to him, her head on his shoulder as they clutched each other, gaining courage from the smell and closeness of each other.