Chapter 45

Dale McIntyre

He sat at his desk looking out of the glass windows that formed his office walls at his staff arrayed outside. It wasn’t really a bad staff but he wondered if many of them weren’t too taken by the scent of the hunt rather than in the purpose of the hunt? Strange for him to be wondering such lofty thoughts this late in the day but then it had already promised to be an exhilarating day for news.

Dale had read over several times the brief notes from Jake Mathews and the incident at the Jewish Synagogue and it troubled him in ways he hadn’t really figured out yet. There was something happening, or so his news sense kept telling him, but was it what Jake and Gordie and even his superiors thought? Was it really some conspiracy between a Jewish religious leader and the local authorities or was it something else? Were they really on the right track or were they letting their preconceived notions run wild over their reasoning?

Sitting back in his chair with his hands clasped behind his head he stared out and saw Gordie Askew chatting up one of the staffers. He could tell that Gordie wasn’t all that interested in news at the moment, the leer on his face and the way his face shone told Dale that once more the local lothario was up to making another score. In so many ways he despised his ace sports reporter and yet he had to admit, the guy got stories for them that had them in contention for news awards each year and with several pieces, not just one. Mind you his last fiasco still weighed on his mind as he glanced back down to read Jake’s brief notes on the incident.

Already they had led the early morning news with the attack on the Synagogue, which in turn had led to their national desk requesting more details. Even that pompous, idiot anchor had called wanting to know if there were more which Dale had deflected. Damn if he would let that jerk get a scoop on their own department and it was that thinking that had him in knots right now. Was he letting Gordie and Jake take this to new levels because there was something or was it because he wanted to scoop the national desk? Was he really any better than Gordie?

Okay he had to admit that it was a bit peculiar that the Rabbi would just let one of the vandals off the hook like he supposedly had, and it was not all that strange that he wouldn’t discuss it with Jake either, still some of the accusations that Walt Fisher had made to Jake, well it just didn’t jive with the feelings in his gut. For all of his years as a newsman, his gut was one of his best barometers and for some strange reason it wasn’t happy from the moment this case came to him. Something about it was wrong, was off, and he couldn’t put his finger on it.

At first he thought that maybe Gordie was right, that there was a cover up happening but in watching the whole interview with the Rabbi, in seeing him stand there and look at Gordie eye to eye, he knew that it wasn’t that. There was no way for his boys to have known that young Fisher was outside, slowly bleeding internally, slowly dying, and yet why was he there? Jake’s argument, that the kid had to have tried to buzz and that maybe it scared the two Goldberg boys into hesitating, was plausible but not practical. Justin Fisher knew his brother wasn’t there, he knew he was in Eric Martin after a suicide attempt, so what in blazes was he doing there?

Why in hell would an otherwise normal teenager show up at his brother’s apartment complex when he knew he wasn’t there? Would he buzz? Did he simply forget that his brother was in hospital? Too many questions remained unanswered and yet according to all logic, why else would Justin have gone there, if not to see his brother? The pain in his stomach continued to grow as he mulled over all that he knew and what he thought he knew. It was that part which worried him as he remembered the previous incident with the RCMP and then the raid on his newsroom shortly after the newscast.

This wasn’t the US where you could say anything and claim anything, here the authorities took a dim view of idle speculation and making claims of cover ups and hinting at other hidden agendas didn’t exactly endear you with the powers that be, and yet he had to admit, they were awfully quick to come after his news team, if there wasn’t a cover up, so what was it? What was Social Services looking for when they came here or was it that the police were using it as an excuse to get even for Gordie’s smear attack a short time earlier? Could it be that they were that petty?

His head turned as his inter office phone rang and he saw it was coming from legal. Christ, just what he needed, but after he picked it up and listened the pain in his stomach was a full blown attack of churning acid and indigestion. He could feel the raw burning on the back of his throat as he put the phone down and stared at the report that would be the basis for their second special on Justin Fisher this evening. It was all becoming quite a mess, he realized, as he reached out and took several Rolaids and popped them into his mouth, hoping that his gut would leave him alone long enough for him to try and get a handle on all this.

Legal told him that the Rabbi now had himself a bona fide legal gun, none other than Trace Vickers who was not someone you took lightly. More than that, Vickers was known for being an ultra conservative and so his coming on board on the Rabbi’s side would have major implications across the entire spectrum. How in hell had that mild mannered guy managed that one, he wondered as he quickly popped more Rolaids into his mouth while at the same time summoning Gordie and his court reporter into his office.

It was bad enough that he didn’t feel right about the whole story and now legal informed him that a copy of the full interview with the Rabbi and Gordie Askew was in the hands of VI News as well, which was promoting it for their own special at 7pm tonight. Just what he needed and he grew a dark scowl on his face, wondering just how in hell had VI gotten a hold of that tape. For a second he thought maybe the authorities had copied it and passed it on but he knew that it was way too early for that to have happened, so it had to be one of his own people. Damn it, why hadn’t he seen that coming? That interview that they showed was too well edited, too slanted, and his gut had told him that, but once more he had allowed Gordie his freedom. Now it could all backfire on him as well as on the station.

Just as Gordie and his court reporter walked in, once more his inter office phone rang, this time from his own department informing him that CBC Newsworld (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation 24 hour television news service, similar to CNN) was running a piece on the vandalism at the Synagogue along with the Fisher incident. They informed him that the newscast was already claiming potential legal ramifications for a local Victoria news station, and he swore loudly just as Gordie sat down. In his gut he knew that Trace Vickers had something to do with the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, funded by the Federal Government of Canada) report, which meant that he was going full out after them. Well, if that were how he wanted it, he had no choice but to fire back with whatever he could. So he put the phone down and stared for several minutes at his sports reporter.

“Gordie, where is Jake?”

“Huh? At home I think, catching some sleep, what’s up?”

“Get him up, the vultures are circling Gordie, you sure that there is something about the Fisher kid’s death that isn’t kosher?”

“Yes, but, we already have enough for the special report, what gives? Who is circling?”

“For starters that Rabbi got himself Trace Vickers to represent him, now CBC is airing a special and worse, VI has the full unedited version of your interview with the Rabbi and Robbie Fisher at VGH (Victoria General Hospital)…”

A cold chill came to him as he stared blankly at his boss. How the fuck did VI get a copy of that tape he wondered, and he felt a bit sick in his stomach, wondering if they would air it and just how bad would it make him look? Thinking about it though he realized that they couldn’t air the whole tape, it was too long for that, so most likely they’d have to edit it down, which gave him the opening he’d need, if Dale played along that is. They’d just say it was edited to make him look bad, to make the Rabbi look good; so he relaxed a bit, no longer feeling threatened by it.

“Shit… how the fuck did they get that? The Cops, I bet…”

“No, I doubt that, too early for that. Damn it Gordie, you edited that tape awfully close to the line…”

“Come on Dale, you know how it is, besides he is hiding something, he’s protecting his kid, you can see that.”

As much as he would like to lay the entire blame on Gordie, he knew he, himself was partially responsible for that editing job. He should have seen the whole interview first, but time had been against them, so he had given Gordie carte blanche on editing it, something he normally did anyways; still, it might have avoided some of the problems he was facing now.

“No I can’t, not from that interview…”

“Christ Dale, you not going to leave me hanging here are you?”

“No, but you did play it close to the line, Gordie.”

“Christ, maybe a little, but come on, that guy is hiding something, shit it is his kids Dale, what else could it be?”

He had to admit that Gordie was right. It fit that he would do anything to protect his own kids, but just what was it that he was protecting them from? Surely it wasn’t about them being gay, or at least the older one anyhow, unless maybe that was it? Could it be that they were both gay or maybe, just maybe it was that the older one had somehow forced the younger one? Shit, there was that possibility; after all he had read the reports about how a lot of gay older brothers did it with their siblings, could that be it? Could it be that they were at the apartment for that? Was that what the Rabbi was hiding or was he just having a bout of wishful thinking?

“I don’t know, but he’s got Trace Vickers on his side and the competition is sniffing around now, so we can’t sit back on this… you are certain there is more to this?”

“Fuck yes, Christ, Dale, they were in that apartment alone, Justin Fisher was laying out under the front tree, dying, they did nothing to help him until it was too late, you tell me if that isn’t suspicious?”

“Only if they knew he was there Gordie, they say otherwise.”

Gordie could tell that Dale wasn’t convinced totally about his conclusions, but shit it made perfect sense. He knew he had to convince Dale, to show him there was no other possible explanation because, if he didn’t, this whole story could blow up in his face and that would hurt his reputation. This story could land him a spot on the National Desk and get him the attention he felt he deserved. It was his ticket out of this one horse town.

“I say they did, I mean shit the kid had to have buzzed the apartment, why else would he go there? Besides, do you really think they would tell the truth given that Justin died? Come on, they had to be scared shitless, and most kids go running to their parents in those cases. They had to know and the Rabbi has to know, it is the only explanation Dale.”

“Doubt if we’ll ever know the answer.”

“Maybe, but look at how this guy is acting Dale. I mean first he tries to hide his kid being gay, then he lets some kid who paints swastika’s on his church go free? Come on, he has to be hiding something big, maybe he hoped by letting that kid off that we’d back off, that maybe we wouldn’t push the investigation…”

Gordie made perfect sense and it all fit nicely, so why did he feel so troubled by it? Was it that he felt bad for the Rabbi or his kids maybe? Sitting there listening to Gordie’s explanations, to his rationalizations, he couldn’t quite put it together, couldn’t quite accept it all; and yet, he was in a corner where he couldn’t get out. There was no choice really for him but to accept Gordie’s thesis. To do otherwise would leave the station wide open for a major lawsuit, not to mention a possible rebuke from the CRTC (Canadian Radio and Television Commission, similar to the FCC in the USA) which was something he couldn’t allow.

“Could be, if it is then he made a big mistake.”

“How’s that?”

“Jesus, because we aren’t going to back off. I want you to start really digging into this, we need to get more statements on the record, get some of his congregants to speak.”

“Shit, come on Dale, you know how they stick together; I doubt if you’d get anyone to say a bad word about him right now.”

“True, except you are forgetting something.”

“What?”

“There are a lot of old timers here, ones who remember the second war and went through it. They aren’t exactly the type who back off when a swastika is painted on the side of their buildings. Get to them because I am sure they won’t appreciate their Rabbi letting this kid off for that, get their views on tape. And while you are at, I bet they don’t care much for queers either, should be easy to get them to speak on that at the same time, if you do it right.”

“That might work, still… they do stick together, Dale.”

“Yeah but this might just be the one thing that will open them up. You know how big some of them are on the hate laws, how they are always speaking up demanding tougher laws, and here comes their religious leader who lets one of them go free. It has to rile em, push that line and I bet they open up with a vengeance.”

“Well, yeah, but Dale do we need to do this now? I mean, maybe for another piece later on, I think what we…”

“NO! Now Gordie.”

“Come on Dale, aren’t you over reacting a bit here? We got everything set for tonight’s broadcast and…”

“And nothing Gordie, I want more! Damn it, we have to cover our asses! I want conflicting statements. There has to be some old timers in his congregation who are opposed to his letting that Schellenberg kid off scott free, get it for me, play up the Nazi angle too as well as how the Jewish community is also a big booster of tougher hate laws. We have to show that we are reporting news events, not making personal attacks; but at the same time, see if you can’t find any thing on the record by the Rabbi regarding hate crime legislation. See if he supports them or even if he wants them toughened up, then lead into how he’s suddenly backing off. Leave it up to the viewer to wonder why. Add that the boy was a close friend of Justin Fisher, where the Rabbi’s own boys are embroiled in controversy, tie them together that way and it’ll be damn hard for Trace Vickers or anyone to call us biased, now do it.”

“Okay okay, I get the message, who do I see?”

Christ, he really wondered if Gordie was for real at times. The jerk was so taken with himself and yet at one time he was considered a pretty good reporter, now he was nothing more than one more celebrity trying to push his star higher up the ladder. Well, it didn’t matter really what Gordie’s objectives were, his job was to get the CH News up that ladder, to get the advertising revenue up there once again, so they could pay those high salaries to people like Gordie.

“Start with the board, they have some lay people who manage the affairs, surely some of them won’t like shelling out money for cleaning. Also check to see if any of the members are old enough to have been around during the second world war, they’ll have a different opinion I am sure… use that.”

“Christ Dale, If I do that I have to make that kid look like some damn Nazi thug, and besides that, Walt Fisher himself went to bat for him, it isn’t going to look good for him.”

Dale grew impatient with Gordie and shook his head as he stared over at him from under his eyebrows. Did this guy ever think for himself or was that just another case of a good editing job?

“Are you that thick, Gordie?”

“Now just a minute here Dale, you can’t…”

“Christ, shut up Gordie. Jesus, you get those old timers on air talking about Nazi’s and all, show their hatred for it, get them with their faces all twisted, spit coming from their mouths even if you can. Then you show the kids baby pictures, his frightened face or him with Justin Fisher even, then you claim how the mysterious death of his friend sent him over the edge, you show how even the bereaved father is forced to defend him.

Then you show how the Rabbi maybe had a case of conscience, how he miraculously refused to press charges despite the vocal vehemence of his own congregation, maybe even of himself. Make it seem like he did this out of some feelings of guilt perhaps, then you slide in how his two boys were present when Justin Fisher died. And once more you leave it open, wondering why they didn’t help him sooner, wondering if the father’s refusal to charge Neil Schellenberg is a way of making amends, given that Walter Fisher was there in support of young Neil… get the picture Gordie?”

The more that Dale spoke, the more Gordie realized that this was getting away from him. His heart ached a little as he wondered if he would ever make it out of Victoria into the big time or would he be doomed to spend his remaining career in this hick town? He was feeling a bit confused, too, at the way that Dale was barking out orders but he had to admit, it made sense and with the right editing, it should be a dynamite piece, providing he could get the quotes, get the pictures.

Maybe this wasn’t such a bad opportunity after all? If he played it right, took the right tone and lined up the right people, this still might be his ticket out of here and upwards. One thing was certain, he’d be damn glad to get away from Dale and his constant interference into how he handled his pieces.

“Christ, okay I get it, but that’s pushing it pretty hard isn’t it? I mean shit, you know how they are about that Nazi stuff…”

“So use it to our advantage; get a hold of that Sinclair broad too. I bet she isn’t all that happy with the Rabbi’s choice, get her on the record, something about law ‘n order, make sure you have that quote from Jake too, that the Rabbi refused comment at the police station… you following me?”

“Uh huh, so how is this gonna change anything, I mean if Vickers is after us…”

“Include that too, how this Rabbi, who says he has nothing to hide, hires himself a top gun to try and suppress the news… make it like why would someone, who has nothing to hide as he claims, use that from the interview by the way, go out and hire a high priced lawyer. Get some prices in there too, if I know Vickers he has to be charging at least $400 an hour, speculate too on who is paying for it. Get into the whole issue of what should be reported and what shouldn’t, maybe a side piece on freedom of speech issues, freedom of the press stuff like they have in the states. No, actually lay that off onto Ted, let him handle that part, make it a separate issue so we come at this guy from all sides, got it?”

“Okay, yeah I got it, uh, what do you want Jake to do?”

“You have him take a crew to that kid’s place, get him to interview the kid and the mother, then if he can Walt Fisher and his wife too, get her on air, the grieving mother, you know the drill… you go and get his coach on air, get some of his team mates too, how they felt after hearing about Justin, how maybe he didn’t get along with the younger kid of the Rabbi’s, anything like that, maybe even what they think about what happened last night, if they have any thoughts on it, dig for it but get it. Got it Gordie?”

“Yeah, shit you really turning us loose on this?”

“Full court press Gordie, you understand that terminology don’t you?”

Part of him resented the basketball terminology and the condescending tone that Dale used, but he didn’t really care because Dale was on board. His instructions showed that he was going full hog into this, which could only benefit him in his quest for getting out of here. He wasn’t thrilled about the pressure but shit, if it meant getting one day closer to moving up, he figured it would be worth it. Besides, he was certain he could do this. He’d have to make sure Jake was up on it too and maybe he could get some baby pictures, not just of Neil but Justin and Robbie too. Now that would help, would be a great cap to the story too, or perhaps lead in even.

“Yeah, well can’t say that I blame you, and besides, I know that Rabbi fellow is hiding something, he knows something he isn’t telling us…”

“Find out what Gordie… but by 4:15, not one second later…”

“Okay.”

He leaned back in his swivel chair popping a few more Rolaids into his mouth as he watched Gordie scurrying off to get started. God, how he hated the guy, such a thick arrogant moron but he did have a knack for digging up dirt, and dirt is what sells so he had no choice really. Too bad about the Rabbi, he seemed like a decent sort but shit, if he wanted to play in this league he shouldn’t be so nice. Maybe it was a good thing or even the right thing to not charge that Schellenberg kid but it wasn’t the smart thing to do. It laid him open to a whole bunch of speculation and if push came to shove, he’d be damned if he would let some tinhorn shove him and his news department around, Trace Vickers or not.

Dale sat upright and stared at the young court reporter. She really was a pretty thing and if he was 10 or 20 years younger he just might consider giving Gordie a run for her favours, but for now he had a battle to wage. He looked at her and in a few brief comments had her running off to secure all of Trace Vickers legal history for the last 10 years, as well as to check and see what legal history the esteemed Rabbi might have, if any. He also called in a few others of his staff to get details on Margaret Sinclair and just where she was in the pecking order of things over at the AG’s (Attorney General) office.

The thrill of the hunt was on him as he saw the sudden change outside his office. Everyone seemed jazzed up now that he had given them a definite purpose, a goal and a mission really and yet in the past, such a thrill would have eased the burning in his stomach and yet this time around it only seemed to make it worse. God, was he getting too old for this job or was he just being silly? He shook his head as he began to map out his revamped schedule for the newscast later that evening, also wondering if he couldn’t use the National telecast to help prime it as well.

The thin smile on his lips didn’t help alleviate the heavy burning in his stomach and he sent an office boy out for more antacids, still wishing he knew what it was about this case that was troubling him. Dale shrugged it off as he placed his call to the anchor for the national news located in Vancouver. If he played this right, he could deliver a hell of a punch with this evenings telecast. As he waited for his call to go through, an idea began to form at the back of his mind and he doodled on the pad of paper beside him.

Marilyn Schellenberg

Catherine Johnson, Pastor Deke Johnson’s wife, sat on the couch, her hands on her lap as she looked at Marilyn, seeing the red around the eyes and the puffiness from all the tears that she had shed. Strange to see a good looking women like Marilyn looking like this, but then she had spent most of the night at the Police Station not certain whether her son would be coming home or be tried as a criminal. She thanked God for seeing that young Neil was allowed to come home and that the Rabbi had refused charging him, too.

It troubled her a bit though, wondering what it was that had made such a fine young man do something so terrible? From what she knew of Marilyn there wasn’t a mean bone in her body, and she certainly didn’t teach young Neil to hate, so just where did that come from? She knew it bothered her husband and yet in some ways she wondered about him these days. He seemed so disjointed really, almost like he was lost in some fog somewhere and unable to find his way back and yet, in all of her time being married to him, she had never known him to be so confused, so uncertain of things as he seemed to be right now.

Marilyn had called just after he had left, wanting to talk to him but she knew his schedule was hectic and told Marilyn that, and something in her voice made her offer to come over to have some tea. It was good hunch too because Marilyn had leapt at the offer and as much as Catherine enjoyed socializing, she liked to leave the spiritual stuff to her husband. But something wasn’t right here, something that was nagging at her, so she had sat still through two cups of tea and some small puff pastry things from the Dutch Bakery, on edge and feeling a bit uncertain, just like her husband.

Looking at the Pastor’s wife, Marilyn wished that she hadn’t asked her over, wishing that the Pastor would have come instead and yet in another breathe she was glad it was Catherine and not the Pastor. It was how she was feeling the entire day, blowing hot and cold at the same time and it worried her. She looked at Catherine and saw the same fixed smile and she knew that Catherine was uncomfortable as well, as if she were feeling the same mixed emotions, both of them dancing around the reasons for the visit, both of them afraid, it seemed, to broach the subject that had made Marilyn call the Pastor in the first place.

She knew Catherine from Church and various social activities that they had attended together. Last year they had both worked on the huge rummage sale for the church and still for some odd reason she felt like she didn’t know her, not like she knew Sharon Fisher; but then, well it seemed at times like she didn’t know Sharon either. The way she had greeted them this morning for example, happy that Neil was released and not going to have to face any charges and yet too, the way she had spoken about the Rabbi, the way her face got all twisted and white wasn’t how she had ever seen Sharon before. She had to admit, seeing Sharon this morning had scared her a little and yet it didn’t seem to register with Walter and as for Neil, he was way too quiet for her liking.

It was Neil’s attitude that had her beside herself. The whole night was a blur filled with terror as she had sat there at the police station, unsure if her little boy was going to be charged and held in jail or what. She had felt absolute relief when he was released, thankful for the Rabbi too and yet both Neil and Walter didn’t seem to share her gratitude. Walter said something about how it was his way of trying to make up for Justin and that it would take a lot more than that and even Neil seemed ungrateful after a bit. He hadn’t said much until they were nearly home and even then it was like he was off on some distant planet. He refused to discuss any of what happened with her, saving that for his private talk with Walter Fisher before she and he left for home.

All morning she had fielded calls from reporters, friends and work too but what troubled her was Neil. He had slept for the most part but soon the constant ringing of the telephone woke him up and he acted like nothing had happened. He fielded a few calls from friends and it amazed her at how resilient youth seemed to be. Here he was laughing on the phone with school friends when only hours earlier he was facing being tried as an adult on serious crimes. None of the scared little boy showed now and he had left right after lunch to go hang with some friends, refusing to stay home and rest like she had wanted. In some ways he was actually defiant to her, which made her tremble a little, because for one brief moment she felt afraid of him, of her own son.

In that second she had seen his anger, his rage even that frightened her beyond her wildest thoughts. At first she tried to convince herself it was just her imagination, that she was overwrought by lack of sleep and the terror of the night but as hard as she tried to wash it away, it just wouldn’t leave her alone, it kept coming back to haunt her. Out of desperation she had called the Pastor, wanting someone to talk to, wanting someone to reassure her that everything was going to be okay. What was strange was that for a moment, out of reflex she had started to dial Walter’s number, but had hesitated as the fear came welling up inside of her even more as she punched the number, only subsiding a bit when she hung up the phone without completing it.

Calling the Pastor had been her second choice and as much as the fear and panic still gnawed at her insides, it at least was bearable for the most part. She wasn’t sure what Pastor Deke could do for her and for a moment or two, when Catherine had told her he couldn’t come, that it wouldn’t be until well after suppertime at the earliest, she had felt like she was drowning. The fear was so real inside of her she swore she could taste its bile flavour in her mouth, so when Catherine offered, she had leapt at the opportunity, just wanting some other adult near her, uncertain really why.

“I am sorry, Catherine, I don’t know what is with me today.”

“It’s okay Marilyn, you have had a rather rough go of it.”

“I suppose so, it is so… Catherine how could he do that?”

The sudden mention of it startled her for a moment and she rattled the cup a little on the saucer as she collected herself. She had been certain that this was what Marilyn had been so worried about, so frantic about really and she knew it was up to her to soothe her, wishing though that Deke was here instead.

“Neil? I don’t know; have you talked to him?”

“He won’t talk to me Catherine. He’ll talk to Walt, to his friends, but he won’t talk to me. I am so frightened Catherine.”

“He is a good boy, Marilyn. He’ll come around. It is just that he is at that age plus dealing with all that has happened. I don’t think you really need to worry too much about him. Uh, he and Justin were close, were they?”

Maybe Catherine was right? It could simply be that Neil was at the rebellious age, those terrible years of being a teenager and all but then why the hatred? She could see his face and she knew it wasn’t normal, but it could be because of Justin’s tragic death, or was it more than that? God what else could there be? Surely her Neil wasn’t involved with some sort of gang? Her mind was feeling confused because if he were in some gang, how had it escaped not just her but Walter? No, there had to be something else, it just couldn’t be because he was 16 or that his best friend had suddenly died. This had been coming for some time, least she thought it had.

“Close? Yes, you would have thought they were brothers the way they stuck together. It was such a terrible loss, poor Sharon and Walter.”

“Uh, yes, it is never easy losing a child, still it is God’s will that Justin be with him. We have to take solace in that and try to move on.”

“I suppose, still Catherine, why? I mean what was he doing there? Justin may have been a stubborn kid at times, but if he were in so much pain, why didn’t he get help? Why did he go to Robbie’s apartment?”

She had wondered about that herself, even discussed it briefly last night with Deke and both of them were just as confused as everyone else seemed to be. Why had Justin gone there? It didn’t make much sense but then she didn’t understand kids at all, so maybe to them it did make sense. Catherine shrugged a little as she carefully looked at Marilyn, seeing the way her eyes looked so frightened, so afraid, and once more she kept wishing that Deke could have come instead of her. This really wasn’t her cup of tea so to speak and she felt a bit out of her element as she set about trying to ease Marilyn’s fears.

“I don’t know, I suppose he wanted to see his brother, maybe get him to help him…”

“He couldn’t have wanted that. He knew Robbie was in the hospital. Neil told me that Justin came home when the police were notifying Walt and Sharon about Robbie’s… about Robbie’s uh, accident, so…”

“Oh? But I thought, I mean, well the news last night… it sounded like…”

“Yes the news, Damn Them!”

“Well uh, Marilyn, I mean…”

“I am sorry, they make me so mad. If it hadn’t been for that news report, Neil wouldn’t have done what he did, I am certain of that.”

“Yes, well at least it worked out in the end dear, we can be thankful for that.”

Yes it would be nice if that was indeed the end of the whole torrid affair, but inside, deep down in her gut she knew that what had happened wasn’t the end of anything. She could feel the tension around her son and around Walter as well, something that was between them weighed on her son, that she could tell, but what could it be? Her instincts were never good with men, if they had been she might have seen some of this coming, just like she had totally missed her husbands lack of care or love for her and for Neil. If only she could read them better, maybe then she could understand what would make her Neil do something as terrible as this, and worse, act like it wasn’t something bad.

“Can we? I don’t think it has ended, Catherine I am so frightened.”

“What for? Neil is home, the Rabbi isn’t going to press any charges, what is there to be frightened of?”

“I am scared of him, Catherine. God, I must sound like a horrible mother to say such a thing about her own son.”

For one brief moment she felt the terror reaching out for her and she leaned back into the sofa, afraid for herself in that instant and yet she couldn’t quite believe it, that Neil would be that way. It had to be Marilyn’s imagination from being overwrought by his childish actions last night, because she knew Neil, from Church. He wasn’t a mean kid; he was always polite and respectful and seemed so gentle too. No, Marilyn had to be imagining it and given all that had happened, well it was understandable.

“Scared of Neil? Marilyn, you are just upset, you had a very emotional night, surely you don’t…”

“But I do mean it Catherine, he isn’t the Neil I thought I knew. He has such hatred, Catherine, such anger inside of him, it scares me, it really does.”

“Now dear, I think perhaps you are just over reacting. He may seem angry and full of hate, but it is because he doesn’t quite understand death, he has lost a very close friend, naturally he is going to feel some anger, some hatred…”

“No, it isn’t that Catherine, you didn’t see his face, his eyes…”

“Well… I am sure he is still the same sweet boy he has always been dear, give him some time.”

“No, it isn’t like that, the way he looked when talking about… about them, it was frightening! It was like seeing a monster appear right before my eyes, and it was my own son Catherine, my own little boy.”

“I can’t imagine Neil looking that way, maybe you just thought you saw that?”

“I have tried telling myself that all morning Catherine, but it won’t leave me alone. I keep seeing those eyes, the hate glowing in them as he talked to one of his friends, telling him about ‘that Jew preacher’ those were his words Catherine, filled with such hate, such anger…”

The way she described it upset her, flooded her mind with memories of Red Deer and how some of the women there spoke. She couldn’t say that they were mean women, or even hateful women but when it came to talking about Jews, it always seemed to make them seem almost catty, spiteful even, and she never could understand why. To think back on it she knew that there were very few Jewish people in the town and yet somehow, whenever things were bad, if the rains had been late or come too early, it always seemed to get around to the Jews. Until now she had never really thought about it, but in many ways the remarks had been rather hateful, and yet she doubted if those saying the words even knew any Jewish people, so how could they feel such anger towards them?

Granted there was the whole Jesus issue of whether or not the Jews crucified him or the Romans and that was 2000 years ago, so how could good Christian folk still be holding a grudge over something as unclear as that? Was it that or was it just that they set themselves up to be despised? She wasn’t sure what it was but it made her feel a bit uneasy, a bit ashamed really as she brought her mind back to the present, pushing aside the memories from Red Deer.

“Well you know how teenagers are Marilyn, I am sure he didn’t mean it the way you think.”

“Catherine I never taught him to hate. My God, even after his father left us the way he did, I never taught him to hate him even, and yet, here he is, hating someone he doesn’t even know simply because of his religion, where is he getting this from? I never taught it to him… Catherine…”

“Yes?”

“No, I can’t… it is just… maybe you are right, maybe I am just over reacting”

“What are you trying to say Marilyn? I promise, it will stay just between us girls, honest.”

“I don’t know. It is just that, well, that lately I have been worried about him, about how he relies so much on Walter Fisher to be, well to be his dad. It doesn’t seem right somehow and yet, I mean Walter has been terrific with him, taking him to their cabin, teaching him things, helping him with his homework even. It is just… I don’t know, it seems a bit odd… maybe I just need to get some sleep.”

It wasn’t like that had come up before in some of her social gatherings. People did tend to wonder why Walter spent so much time with his boys and their friends, but then Sharon always seemed to be absent at those meetings. Maybe that was why it would come up but it always ended by someone saying they wished their husband would spend more time with their son, and everyone would then switch over to how lucky Sharon was to have a man like Walt. God, she could just imagine how Marilyn must be feeling right now to even question Walter’s attention to her son, after all he had been her lifesaver just after her own ass of a husband had abandoned her and the boy. Rumour had it that he had left because back then Neil had a terrible stuttering problem and he was ashamed of it, which really was sad and if you wanted to talk about hate, well that was certainly hateful.

“Odd? I don’t follow you dear…”

“I am not sure, but it seems so strange, all the time that Walter spends with the boys, even when Justin was alive, back even when Robbie still lived at home. I don’t know… maybe I just need to get some sleep, but I keep, I mean, well, I keep wondering where Neil got all this anger, this hate. It keeps playing over and over in my mind and I don’t think he gets it from school, and other than at school, all his spare time is with Walter, I just… I don’t know; am I imagining all this? Maybe you are right, maybe it is just the stress, still…”

“I think so dear, I mean Walter is a gruff type, still I don’t think he’s some sort of racist. He does have some strange ideas though, but dear I think you just need to rest some. Maybe I can get Deke to talk with Neil, would that help ease your mind a little?”

Marilyn looked up over her clasped hands towards Catherine and saw the care in her face as well as the worry. In some ways she felt ashamed for talking like this to her, but she had no one else and somehow she knew she needed to discuss it, to work it out, if she weres to help Neil. The idea that the Pastor talk to Neil was a good one, one she latched onto immediately and she could feel her fears ease a bit more, knowing that she had someone else to turn to, someone else to rely on.

“Could you? I mean, it might help. I just don’t know what to say to him anymore, maybe if another male figure talks to him, maybe it will help…”

“Of course Deke will talk to him. He is busy today, just one of those days I am afraid, but I’ll make sure he talks to Neil tomorrow. How’s that for you?”

“Thanks, Catherine, I guess I am just being silly, but, well it does make me feel better.”

“Good, well I must be off, you sure you okay now?”

“Yes thank you, Catherine, it was nice of you to come over like this. I must seem like such a scatterbrain… I am sorry for putting you through all this.”

“Nonsense dear, now you take it easy and I’ll have Deke call Neil tonight, and the two of them can work out a time for them to talk.”

Everything seemed so definite, and yet she still felt apprehensive, as if there were something worse still to come. She wished she could get rid of that feeling of impending doom but at least now she had a plan, a way possibly to give Neil the help she thought he needed. Maybe Catherine was right, maybe it really wasn’t anything to get all upset over but still, to have gone out and done what he did? It wasn’t her son, and the panic came back, wondering if he would listen to the Pastor or even if he would agree to talk to him?

“Okay, what if, I mean what if Neil won’t? I mean he is so headstrong at times…”

“Oh, I think Deke will manage him. He’s pretty good about that, don’t you worry, he’ll get Neil in to talk to him.”

“Okay, thank you, Catherine.”

She could feel the relief as it came across from Marilyn and she smiled, feeling a bit uneasy. It was a strange feeling really as she gathered her purse and headed towards the door and yet, even as she was about to leave, she had the strangest notion that all she had done was hold things off for a bit, that there was indeed something to be concerned about. Images of Red Deer kept trying to come back and she shivered a slight bit as she pushed them away, keeping her face from showing her own doubts or fear.

“You get some rest now, and if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me.”

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Haha, yes I promise.”

“Good, well, I shall be off then.”

Marilyn watched Pastor Johnson’s wife drive away, as she stood at the door watching the car go down the street, slowing slightly as it went past the Fisher home, and for a moment Marilyn thought that Catherine might stop but as the car edged past the house, it picked up speed and headed towards the corner. For some reason it made her feel a bit better, as she realized how frightened she was that Walter or Sharon would find out about her worries. She couldn’t explain it any better than she had already tried and as much as just discussing it with someone else helped, she still couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling she had at the bottom of her stomach.

Joel

He leaned down resting his hands on his knees, his chest heaving as the sweat poured from his forehead and body. They had been playing for hours and he was totally exhausted and as he stood there, his head hanging down, he watched how Robbie still seemed to be totally fresh, as if he had only been playing for a few minutes. Even Bobby looked totally dogged and as for his brother Josh, well he had bailed a few minutes earlier, dragging himself off to the side to sit on the grass and watch.

There was no way he could keep going and he looked up to see Robbie staring at him for a second, and he smiled back to him, letting him know he was okay, just a bit winded. God, how did Robbie manage it? It was like he was in his element or something, the way he just moved around the driveway with the ball, or how he seemed to know exactly which way Bobby or he were going.

When Josh had taken himself out, he thought that he and Bobby would have a shot but Robbie just seemed to be everywhere, reaching up just high enough to block a pass or knock it away. It was like he knew how to squirm through the two of them to get a basket when a blade of grass couldn’t squeeze through and yet he had. It was too much for him as he slowly hobbled over to where his big brother sat and he plopped himself down on the grass, leaning back on his hands, stretching his feet out.

“How does he do it?”

Josh was still trying to catch his breath even though he had sat down several minutes earlier. He couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride at the way Robbie had been able to keep both Bobby and Joel at bay while he sat out like an old man. Christ he felt beat but it was a good feeling actually, one from physical exertion and not from stress. If only it could stay like this but he doubted if it would.

“I don’t know, guess it’s just his game.”

“Yeah, man he is good… still he looks like he just started!”

He stole a quick glance at his brother and then turned his attention once more to his lover. Joel was right, Robbie seemed to not even look like he had been playing for more than a few minutes, and yet he had been out there running back and forth just as long as he had. It was kind of strange to sit back on the edge, huffing from the pain and watch Robbie move across the pavement without seeming to break a sweat.

It didn’t take much to make him realize just how much Robbie enjoyed the sport, something he really hadn’t paid attention to; and he felt a bit angry at himself, thinking that he should have known, that maybe if he had he could have forestalled some of this shit by simply playing one on one with Robbie. Least when he played he looked happy, almost as if he didn’t have a single care in the world. Maybe that was all he needed, to go to that one place where he could be free of his secrets of life?

“I know, I think, well I think it is that when he’s out there playing, he is happy, free of all the shit that troubles him, sort of like all the crap is gone and he can just be himself, where he rules and not the fear or the pain or any of that shit.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, read that in a book once, how some people have one thing that always brought them happiness, so they constantly try to go there, to be in that one place where nothing bad happens.”

He hadn’t thought about it like that, that something so simple as just playing a game could give someone that kind of high. Sure he enjoyed the game but it wasn’t that way for him, least not in that way. Thinking about it though he knew his special place was drawing, and it was there where he would go to sort out the day’s headaches. Maybe that was what Josh meant? Still if it were true why would he have left it? Why wouldn’t he just keep on going to that special place instead of staying away from it, letting the demons come and find him?

“That makes sense I suppose… but he quit basketball, how could he if, I mean…”

“I don’t know Joel, wish I did!”

“Was it like that for you? Basketball that is.”

Sitting here right now, watching Robbie take the ball one way while his body moved another way only reminded him how much he had used to enjoy the sport and then how quickly that changed. How he used to hate to go outside and just play with Joel, each time reminding him how hateful it could be, how painful it had been to him and how he had let those few take something he loved and turn it into something he loathed. It was something he would always regret that he had let those few assholes ruin for him what had once been a dream.

God how he used to love tossing that ball up and seeing it sail high in the air and then come arcing down towards that small hoop, sailing right on through barely making the net shake to its passing. He wished now he had the courage to have stood up to it, but he was different then just as Joel was different now too. Life moved on and so too had he, but he still had his dreams as well as his regrets.

“At first.”

“Then?”

“Then it became the opposite, it was the one place where all that was bad always happened there first, or more often…”

“I wish you had told me.”

Joshua turned his head and stared at his brother for several quiet seconds. Their eyes were locked together and he knew that what had been holding them back was gradually disappearing. They were once more brothers, which helped him feel more at ease as he sat there, his brain reeling still from all that was happening around him and yet this afternoon, despite the tension, despite his admission of cowardice, he felt finally at ease with Joel and maybe more importantly with himself.

A small tear formed at his eye as he turned to stare out at Robbie and he could feel the love he had for that tall boy growing deeper with each passing second. Robbie had made him speak the hard words that had finally set him free and he knew it had cost Robbie. To think, he had been willing to risk everything he had just recently found to get him to be free was something he couldn’t quite yet understand. All he knew was that with each passing second he was falling harder and deeper in love with Robbie Fisher than he thought possible. If this wasn’t love then he didn’t care, because nothing could make him feel half as good as he did in just staring at Robbie as he was right now.

“No you don’t, least you wouldn’t have then, besides, I don’t think you would have accepted it then.”

“What do you mean?”

“Who knew about that kind of shit back then? I mean come on, each time zaideh¹ would talk about it, you and I would roll our eyes and look heavenwards, Mama and Papa would try to quieten him down but we never believed it, least I didn’t until it happened. I mean come on, look at where we lived man, shit look where we live now, and it is still hard to accept, isn’t it?”

“I suppose, still… I don’t know, maybe you could have tried.”

“Maybe, but then maybe all that practise after wouldn’t have amounted to much, least you got that now.”

“Yeah, uh, Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“How rough is it going to be? I mean… you don’t think Papa is in any danger do you?”

It was amazing to think that his little brother with all that was staring him in the face could be more worried about Papa than himself. Whatever had been missing from him, at least Joel hadn’t missed out on it. He felt a little bit of pride too, because in some ways, he maybe had a little to do with how Joel looked at things now, and for that he had to thank his parents for instilling in him the ability to question. It was something both he and Joel had drilled into them, that they should never just accept something because someone told them to, that they owed it to themselves and to their heritage to always question, to always look deeper than the surface. It had cost, of that there was no doubt, but then at moments like this, well it all made it worthwhile.

“I don’t know, maybe some. I think though, well, I think you are gonna have the hardest time of it out of all of us.”

“Me? How do you figure that?”

“You’re the one who’ll be on the basketball court, a whole lot easier to hurt you physically without thinking about it than say coming over here to pound on someone, or to waylay Papa at the Shul.”

“I can handle that.”

“I know, still… I wish you didn’t have to, it’s my fault too for…”

He didn’t look at his older brother, feeling him instead next to his own heart as he heard him. There had been a time when he did blame Josh for it all and yet now, now he knew he couldn’t hold him responsible. He had been wrong too, both of them had made mistakes, but that was part of life he guessed as he finally let his brother back into his heart. He felt his heart beat next to his and he felt at peace at last.

“No, no it isn’t Josh, I might have thought that earlier, but not now. I know it isn’t your fault.”

“In some ways it is Joel, I shouldn’t have brought all this home, I should have found a way to deal with it all on my own…”

“I am glad you did bring it home”

“Huh? How can you be glad? Christ Joel, you are most likely gonna end up in a few fights, your whole senior year is most likely fucked now, how can you be glad?”

“Hey I didn’t say I was thrilled by it, just glad that you did instead of not.”

“Why? I mean if I hadn’t you probably wouldn’t have any of this crap to deal with, Papa wouldn’t have to worry about whether he is still a Rabbi or not tomorrow, Mama wouldn’t have to worry about rocks coming through the windows or her little boy getting hurt…”

“Yeah she does still think of you as her little boy doesn’t she?”

“Oh you are so funny… but Joel…”

It had all finally sunk in to his thick head. Josh was family and just because things sucked or got bad you couldn’t turn your back on them. They had been there when you needed them and Josh had always been there for him, more than he had even realized, so how could he let him suffer with all this alone? It just wasn’t right and maybe that was exactly what his father had been trying to tell him? That doing what was right wasn’t easy; that it was filled with lots of pain even and yet the alternative was worse. No, he really meant it when he said he was glad had Josh had come home, even with all this shit happening, he wouldn’t trade it for the way things had been before Josh came home.

“I know Josh, I know it sucks, not sure how I’ll feel if I get the shit kicked out of me either, kind of hoping that won’t happen but if it does, well… shit all I know is I hated not having you around, and I hated it worse knowing that you were hurting and I couldn’t be there… I still don’t get how you can do what you do with another guy, I mean I don’t get that stuff but…”

“But what?”

“But he makes you happy and I don’t know, I think you make him happy too. I mean you seem different around him Josh, in a weird but nice weird way, if that makes sense.”

“Sort of… he does make me happy Joel, I can’t explain it, I don’t know if I even understand it, ‘cept that when he isn’t around I feel so alone, even if I am in a crowd, yet when we are together, it is like there is no one else around, not a single living being. Kind of freaky huh?”

Josh stared into Joel’s face and for a brief moment he and his brother were like they had been years ago. Joel always coming to him with the deep questions, always sitting attentive, looking at Josh like he was some sort of God but now, now it was different and yet the same. Joel was becoming his own man and Josh could see it happening, and in a small way he felt sad at that but at the same time he felt happy, knowing that Joel at least had something other kids didn’t have. He had a family to fall back to if things got rough, if he needed help. It had taken him almost a year and almost cost him his lover but now he, too, knew it.

“No, kind of like what Papa told me about how he feels about Mama.”

“He did? When was…”

“We talked a little about this… he was trying to make me understand how you felt, sort of I guess.”

“Papa?”

“Yeah, spooky huh?”

“Ya, funny how parents can surprise you though.”

“Uh huh.”

“So do you get it?”

“No, not totally, guess it’s just that guy, guy thing, ya know?”

“Yeah.”

“You are happy, right?”

“I don’t know, if I shut all this crap out, yeah I am happy. Even with all this shit, there are moments when… it is just so right Joel, sort of like a match made in heaven like Mama would say.”

“You ever think about that? God I mean, if he really approves or not?”

Did he ever think about it? God if he only had a nickel for every waking minute that he did think of nothing else. It was strange really because here he was, the eldest son of a Rabbi but until all this, until he saw Robbie naked on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own blood, he never had given God much thought in anything but a sort of philosophical sense. He wasn’t sure if he had believed in him or not, so many things had happened that were attributed to God’s will but it never seemed real before, never seemed like there was ever any purpose to it, and yet now, sitting on the edge of their driveway, he thought he could see some of it.

Maybe all that had happened, all that crap back in high school had been his testing ground, had been a tuning up for what lay in store down the road and here he was now, finding himself having to deal with real life and death issues and this time, he wasn’t running. This time he was automatically standing up for what he knew was right, so maybe there really had been some plan, some purpose to it all. He didn’t know for sure, but he knew how he had felt when he walked in on Robbie that night not so long ago.

He could still feel the strange presence, the one that made him reach out beyond his fear and his revulsion to wrap the towels around Robbie’s arms, to press them and tie them tight before calling for help. How he had felt that touch on his heart as he had wanted to vomit and yet knowing he had to keep his head, keep his cool despite the horrible scene that was before him.

Was it God or just his imagination working overtime during a moment of stress? Some might think the latter but somehow he just knew that it couldn’t be that. Somehow he knew that there was a God, that as much as some would laugh or jeer at him for it, he knew deep in his heart that he had been placed here for some reason, and maybe that had been it, to be the person to find Robbie, to help keep him alive for some other purpose.

His eyes looked away from Joel’s face and back out onto the driveway where Robbie continued to run circles around Bobby and in his heart he could feel that extra beat, not just one but two extra beats and he reached out, taking Joel’s hand lightly in his, feeling the warmth and feeling the love as well. Whatever the plan was he didn’t know, but at least now he knew that there was a plan and that helped make it easier for him. Josh could feel the love that had always been between him and Joel flowing in his veins and he sighed a little, tired but at peace.

“At times, not so much anymore, but at first I did, I used to wonder if I would be hit by a bolt of lightning but the bolts never came.”

“Really?”

“Sure, I mean back then, when I wasn’t sure or maybe that isn’t the word, when I was fighting it, I was so scared of God hating me, I even thought that all that crap with basketball was God trying to send me a message about being queer, telling me to stop.”

“You think maybe he was?”

“Yeah in a way I do, I mean not that I should stop thinking about being gay or any of that, but yeah I think in a way he was sending me a message, reminding me of who I really was, not who I thought I was or who maybe I wanted to be, if that makes sense.”

“Not really.”

He didn’t know if he could express it because really he hadn’t thought too much about it, but sitting here now going over all that had happened, knowing that his little brother could wind up getting some serious beatings and that there was nothing he could do about it only brought it all home to him. He let his hand fall from Joel’s as he stared out, seeing Robbie and yet not seeing him, and as he sat there, the words suddenly came to him, only he was staring ahead seeing his Zaidah2. grandfather], who had supposedly raised his fist heavenwards on more than one occasion. He could see his face as he spoke about the terror, about how it was his, Joshua’s duty to never give in, to never surrender. At last maybe he understood why.

“It is like, I always knew deep down that I liked guys. I played around pretending it wasn’t so for a long time, I think to try and hide it to avoid having to deal with it, maybe I still do that or at least did until just recently. It was like if I could keep it hidden, keep it to myself and not do anything about those feelings they would go away or at least no one would ever find out. Trouble was, it was also how I was about being Jewish. I never took those extra days off that we were allowed, I didn’t want to let on, to announce to everyone that I was Jewish, and that basketball stuff, it showed me that it didn’t matter how hard I tried to hide something, people would find out.

I guess in a way it did give me a message, one that it has taken me until just now to fully understand and even now I am not sure I get it all. I think that in some way God let that happen, not to punish me for being gay but for denying who I was then and who I am now. He let that happen not to make me try and be something I wasn’t but to get me to realize that it didn’t matter how hard I tried to hide stuff, people would find out.

Funny, but after all that nonsense with the basketball team, I always took the extra Jewish holidays, strange but until now I never realized it but it was only after I got the crap beaten out of me a few times that I started to accept being Jewish. Weird huh?”

It seemed like an eternity before Joel even blinked and yet Josh knew it was only seconds at best. His heart was beating wildly as he waited for his brother to respond and he lost track of everything that was happening around him as he waited, knowing that once more they were crossing into dangerous grounds. It was still too fresh maybe or maybe not, and as he waited he knew that Joel was still trying to make sense out of it, trying to put together whether or not who Josh was might also be who he was.

Joel stared out at Robbie and Bobby and watched them for a second or two as he tried to digest what Josh had said. It made sense to him in some ways but not in others. If you felt something, how could you think of changing it but then again, thinking about being gay was different. He knew he never broadcast that he was Jewish either, so that part he understood and now maybe he could kind of understand why Josh never talked to him about it. You just sort of tried to hide it, to let it be cause if you did say something then the other person might have to answer and who knew what that would be, least if you were silent you didn’t get disappointed.

“I guess I get it, it really isn’t about being ashamed, just that, well, guess that it is just trying not to be noticed, to what is that saying Mama has? Let sleeping dogs lie?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Kind of sucks though doesn’t it?”

“Big time!”

“Christ, and all those fag, sorry, gay jokes… that must have been hard to take?”

“I suppose, thing was that back then I was trying to deny it, to make it go away, hell I told a lot of those jokes myself, to sort of, well to make it seem like I was just like everyone else…”

“I didn’t know… shit Josh, how come I didn’t see what you were going through? I mean if I…”

“Joel how could you? Christ man I was trying to hide it from myself too, there was no way you could, besides, not like you knew about that kind of stuff then. It is just, I don’t know, in some ways I guess it was how it was supposed to be, I don’t know.”

“I guess.”

They sat there silent, both of them lost in their own thoughts. Josh feeling like he had finally rediscovered his brother and he knew that Joel still loved him, that their bond had been stretched but it was still there, still secure and still strong, if not maybe even stronger than before. It felt good and he felt like he could once more conquer the world. His eyes filled with tears as he thought of how lucky he was, to have not just a great set of parents but a brother who could get past that gay stuff to see him for who he was inside, the same big brother that would do anything for him. Thinking about it made him sad too as his eyes moved away from the pavement to stare at Robbie who was leaning up against the garage, Bobby kneeling and puffing, totally exhausted. Josh felt the loss of Justin and he stood up and slowly walked towards Robbie.

Robbie saw him coming and he cocked his head to one side, a quizzical look on his face as he tried to read Josh’s face but instead was hit by a sudden wave of emotion, a strange glow deep inside and once more he felt Justin’s breath against his cheek and tears sprung to his eyes just as Josh came to now stand in front of him.

Josh just looked deep into Robbie’s eyes and then reached out and drew him tightly into his own body, hugging him tight and holding him, tears rolling down his face as he whispered into his ear, softly and gently telling him how much he loved him.

The harsh distant ringing of the house phone intruded and Josh broke away from holding onto Robbie and turned to see the last of Joel’s legs as he headed around to race inside to answer the phone. For a second he didn’t think much about it and then it came rushing to him and he suddenly cried out, yelling for Joel not to answer the phone and he took off at a gallop, racing for the house with both Robbie and Bobby staring blankly at each other.

He came rushing into the kitchen to see Joel by the phone, the anger gone from Joel’s face, replaced by a pallor that only made Josh curse loudly as he snatched the buzzing receiver out of his brother’s hand and hung it up. He turned to stare at Joel who looked up at him in utter confusion and pain. Josh knew that once more the phantom caller had found his mark and he cursed again, his eyes moving upwards as he took a cue from his mother, asking with his heart: Why?