Chapter 28

Part 1

She stood next to him, watching with out uttering a sound. Her face was etched with deep lines of worry and concern but her eyes continued to sparkle, especially each time that she would turn to steal a quick glance at him. He had always had this way of making her feel so special, so lucky and yet today she had felt like she was the Queen, the way he had simply been the man she knew he always had been. Her old hand reached out and took hold of his and he turned to smile at her, and the love passed between them in a flash, each one talking with their hearts as they held hands just like any young lovers would, even after all these years.

Her pride was something else and she managed a thin smile at him before once more turning to watch, to be ready to leap into action should she be needed. His hand squeezed hers and she knew what he was thinking, knew that he too was worried but that as much as she wanted to race out there, he felt it more so. Adele still felt the chill in her body from watching the news and even as much as he tried, she couldn’t shake the fear of what the future might bring to them. The way her poor boys looked, Joshua who kept looking towards Robbie then to the rest of the family, then back again showed her how uncertain he was, how confused he too was feeling, and yet, it was how he would look at Joel that wrenched her heart the most.

Adele knew that the strain between the two brothers had been great, that only now were things just beginning to heal and then this nonsense came up. Her anger rose as she thought about the news report, at how they tried to imply that her poor Joel would try to stop Joshua from helping that poor Justin. How could people be so cruel and the tears welled up once more but the light press of his fingers made her stifle her sobs, made her straighten up a little, as she knew that she had to be strong, if for no other reason than for the kinder.

Holding her hand, watching the two boys was just as it had always been back when they were younger and perhaps more able to cope with all the tsores that was plaguing them now. His heart was heavy as he recalled all that had happened. If he hadn’t actually been at the hospital he would never have recognized the interview or whatever it was that that momser¹ Askew had called it. The pain he saw on Joel’s face earlier and then throughout the entire telecast had felt like hot daggers ripping into his heart. How could people be so cruel, did they really think that it didn’t hurt? Were people so immune to what was right that they lashed out at anyone simply for their own personal gratification?

As he felt her heart beating next to his, he sighed a little, knowing that alone he could never do this, that without her at his side all of this would be pointless, would be impossible even because he knew he wasn’t a strong man, all that he had came from her, from the deep love that no matter what had sustained them all. Now he knew that that love was to face its greatest test ever and he prayed that it would be enough to get them through the days ahead.

Looking out at Joel and the way he held himself, he almost could feel the boy’s anger and confusion, not sure which way to turn or who to turn to and it made his heart ache. He knew that Joel was a good boy, that he had sense, but he knew too that he was just a young boy still, that the cruelty of the world had yet to become second nature to him, that his youth had still not fully developed its thick shield of armour that would protect him from all that was arrayed against him. All this grief had come too soon for him, so now he must learn the hard way, and so he kept Adele from racing out to him, kept Joshua from going because them he knew, it was for him and for Robbie now, it was their turn to find what he already knew, that only faith in family, trust in family, and love of family would see them through. Of course a little help from the man upstairs wouldn’t hurt but he knew that no matter what, that the man upstairs was there with them, and he breathed a little easier as he tried to keep that in mind.

As he watched he also knew that this whole mess was far more serious than he had let on, even to that lawyer Myron. Such a nice boy but so in love too, but at least he seemed happy and perhaps that was more important than whether she was Jewish or not. Besides, it wasn’t like his own boy had found himself a nice Jewish bride either and the sparkle returned a little to his eyes as he stole a glance of his eldest.

How tall he looked, standing next to him and how anxious he looked too. Funny, Joshua was more of the doer than Joel, Joel was the worrier of the two and yet it was Joel who was the athlete and Joshua the scholarly one. Maybe that would all change now as he could feel Josh’s tension, feel how lonely he felt standing there amongst his parents and if he listened carefully, he was certain that he would hear Josh’s heart calling for Robbie, that secret signal that lover’s seemed to use to find each other, to gain reassurances.

It wasn’t so much for him or Adele that he felt the anger for, it was for the boys, all three of them because if this mess went as he thought it would, well he would miss having a congregation and of being the Rabbi, he knew Adele would miss it too but it wasn’t the end of life. He knew they had some money saved, not much but at least the college funds were there for the boys so they wouldn’t need to worry on that score, and if worse came to worse, Abner knew that he could always count on Morris back in Montreal to give him a job. It would mean moving once more but it could be worse, at least they could move if they had to.

No they would be okay, but it would be hard for Joel to once more move, hard on Joshua too and he didn’t even know if Joshua would move, or would he and Robbie stay here to battle it out? It was Robbie’s home too and he had family here, though at the moment Abner didn’t feel like they were much of a family, least not the parents. The grandfather was as confused as he was about this gay stuff, but he still loved his grandson so that counted for something. Strange how the son and father could be so different and yet the son and grandfather be the same.

Abner turned slightly to stare closely at his eldest boy and he saw the tall squared shoulders and yet inside he knew that Joshua was as confused and as worried as his mother was but like her, he trusted in him. He looked so handsome, the way he held his head upright, as if he were not afraid no matter how much fear was within and as Abner looked at him he saw the image of Adele’s own father. He really had been a strong man but quiet, just as Joshua was. He even had the same piercing eyes that would spark when he was itching to do something, to strike back at those who were hurting and Joshua had that too. He wasn’t the soft-spoken mild mannered person that perhaps Joel thought his big brother was. Joshua was just like his namesake, a warrior when needed, a protector when called upon but also a man of deep emotion. That was his Joshua too and he turned his face upwards to see Joshua staring at him, and he smiled at him, his own heart reaching out towards his son, trying to calm him with his love and with his faith.

Josh felt his father’s eyes on him and he felt the slight easing of the strain that seemed to have a grip on his heart and soul. It was hard not to just run out there and hold them both, but his father had held him and his mother back, telling him that it wasn’t for him to do, that it was for Robbie to go to Joel, that they needed to find each other first, and as much as he knew that was true, he still felt the need to be there, to protect them both from all that was happening. He didn’t know if Robbie was strong enough for such a thing, and he should be there, helping to give him the strength and Joel too, he was so confused and so hurt by all this, and yet he knew his father was right, it just didn’t make it any easier.

He had watched the telecast, feeling the anger burning hotly within his body and as he held tightly onto Robbie’s hand, he felt the pain with each accusing comment, each carefully constructed innuendo striking like a hot poker into Robbie’s heart. And so he grew hot, grew angry, and wanted nothing more than to strike out at Gordie Askew, at that jerk Jake Mathews, but most of all he wanted to strike out at the unseen faces. He knew that what Joel had gone through in TO was nothing to what he would now face, and he also knew that this time around he couldn’t do anything about it.

His heart was torn at where to turn, where to go to first because he knew that Robbie needed his help, needed his strength and support as much as did Joel but who did he go to first? Who did he run to and comfort and who did he leave for later? He never understood how his parents could know, but they had always found a way, found the means to give both him and his brother exactly what they needed when they needed. As he thought about it, he knew that it was all a part of their partnership, their love for each other that had given them the means to cope and deal with all that life had thrown in their way. They were a team, both of them feeding off each other and it was that partnership that let them be in two places at one time. As he watched Robbie sit down next to Joel, he wondered if he and Robbie could ever reach that same level of partnership, could their love ever come close to equalling what his parents had?

Funny, he had always just assumed that their love was there, that it was just a part of who they were but as he struggled to find his love with Robbie’s, he knew that it wasn’t something that just happened, that it took a great deal of work to find, to hold, to nurture and yet in so many ways it really was ‘just there’ as long as you looked for it. He knew he loved Robbie, knew that without him at his side he would never be whole, never be the person he wanted to be and yet he had almost lost him, all because he hadn’t searched his heart, hadn’t reached out to let his own doubts, his own thoughts be free.

Maybe that was the secret of his parent’s success? Could it be that neither of them were afraid to tell the other what they really felt, what they really wanted or needed? Could it really be that simple, but then how do you tell someone you care about some of the things that are buried so deep inside? How do you tell someone that makes your heart flutter each time you look at them that perhaps something they do bothers you? How do you take it when they tell you that? Does it crush you or what and yet as he turned to look at Robbie sitting with his brother, he knew that whatever Robbie had buried, he needed to know it, to share it not out of some need to just know, but out of a desire that maybe at least it wouldn’t be so bad, so horrible if it weren’t just his secret, just his problem.

Standing there he could feel the way his parents were, that whatever else may be going on around them, there was this connection between them that mere words couldn’t begin to describe, that mere thoughts couldn’t begin to fathom. It was almost like they had their own secret language that no one but their two hearts could fathom, could relate to and as he stared at them and then out at Robbie he knew he had a lot to learn yet. How could he reach out to Robbie if he was too afraid of revealing his own fears, his own doubts? He had already kept too much back, and it had nearly cost him the one person he knew he wanted to spend eternity with; but it still didn’t make it easier, didn’t make it simple and he looked down at his feet, his hands resting by his side and he wondered just what would the future hold? Could he be strong enough to be the partner that Robbie needed, not just wanted, but needed? Could he be the man his parents expected of him or was he doomed to wander aimlessly always afraid of what tomorrow would bring?

Abner “You start one step at a time boychik, one simple step at a time.”

Josh looked up to see his father standing closer and looking at him with those eyes of his. They were wide open and filled with nothing but love, he could feel the warmth as it caressed his questioning heart and he saw that his mother had somehow slipped away, and he hadn’t even noticed, so wrapped up was he in his fears and doubts and all that he didn’t understand. Yet standing there, he felt just like he had so many times before, when he had a problem and somehow his mother or father just knew it, knew that he needed them and he felt the security of that feeling, realizing that no matter how old he got, he would always have their love, nothing would ever alter that and it made it a bit easier as he smiled at his father, feeling the love entering his soul.

Josh “I know Papa, it is just, so hard;, how do you and Mama do it? I mean…”

Abner “Do it? We do what we must. A long time ago a much wiser man than I told me to simply follow the beat of my heart, that it would always lead me to the truth, and that it would give me the courage to face that truth too, if I would let it.”

Josh “But how do you just let it Papa? There is so much to fear, so much that, that just scares me and yet I want it to be right, but…”

Abner “Maybe Joshua you have to stop questioning ‘why?’ so much and instead ask ‘why not?’ if you really want this, if this is really what you feel, then why not boychik, why not?”

Josh couldn’t help himself, the tears started to well up in the corners of his eyes but his father raised his hand, and with a finger he gently wiped away the first few drops, his face looking deep into Josh’s own face, and all Josh could feel was the safety and security of the love that now wrapped itself around his trembling body. The fears were there but deep within he felt the steady beat of his heart, and next to that beat he felt a smaller distant echo, almost as if another heart was beating in time with his and his face turned away, staring at his brother now resting in Robbie’s arms.

Josh “I have caused you and Mama so much pain, this is going to be hard on you both. It won’t be easy to beat, will it Papa?”

Abner saw the pain in his boy’s face and for a moment the anger within rose up to the surface, an uncompromising anger at the people who were so blind, so ignorant of what life was really about that he felt as if his heart would burst and then slowly he felt the rage subside a little as his heart continued to just beat steady and true, ignoring the rage, shunting the anger aside as if it weren’t even there. His face softened as he saw the concern in Joshua’s face, knowing that his eldest has as many questions as they all did.

Abner “Beat? I don’t know Joshua, you win some battles, you lose some, but as long as you try to do the right thing, try to do what is expected by HIM, how can you or anyone ever lose? All this tsores, it’s a part of life my boy.”

Josh “You make it sound so simple, so easy and yet…”

Abner “Easy? No, it is not easy, it is never easy to face the demons, to face evil but eventually you have no choice, either you face it or you run, your mama and me, we are too old to run anymore, so we stand.”

Looking at his father, he realized that as much as he stood taller, stood over the shorter figure, he knew that in many ways his father towered over him. The simple blind faith that he seemed to have, that unerring sense of what was right and wrong seemed to make his father a giant while he still didn’t know how to tell what was real, what was right. Would he ever know? Could he ever summon the endless strength of courage that his father and mother seemed to have such an abundance of?

Josh “Were we right to stand papa?”

Abner “Were you? I can’t tell you that Joshua, but does it feel easier in your heart? Do you feel like even if the world comes crashing down tomorrow that you can still get up to face it?”

Tomorrow terrified him, he knew that much, but he had to admit too that somehow he wasn’t petrified by the prospect of tomorrow either. His father had always told him that the truth would set a person’s soul free, that it would give a body what they would need to get through another day and he had always scoffed at that, but standing here now, feeling the fear of what tomorrow might bring, he had to admit, it wasn’t quite as frightening as it had been yesterday or even the day before.

Josh “I don’t know, that’s just it. I don’t know Papa and it scares me, that we did this and brought all this trouble to you and Mama and Joel, and I don’t know if it was right or not.”

Abner “I can’t tell you if it were right or not my kinder, but I can tell you this, when you stood by Robbie, when you reached out and held his hand and he yours, for the whole television world to see, your Mama and I, and I think Joel too, we felt nothing but naches.”

It was nice to think that something he had done had brought a smile to his parents faces but he also knew that it wasn’t quite like that. He knew that Joel was angry at him, and he couldn’t blame him really. Josh knew what it was going to be like for him at school and it was his fault. Maybe they had acted rashly, maybe they should have held their tongues but the beat of his heart and the feelings he had then, he couldn’t ignore them and even though he may have set a chain of events in motion, he couldn’t take back what he said or what Robbie had said, even if he wanted to. Somehow he would have to work it out. Somehow he knew that what had started this afternoon really had begun elsewhere, long before maybe even he and Robbie were born; but for now, the battle was theirs.

Josh “But I have put all of you at risk, you don’t know how rough it could be for Joel, and what about the congregation Papa? They aren’t going to be so supportive, it isn’t like defending an Israeli incursion into the west bank. This is about gays, it isn’t something that many people like to hear about from their religious leader. What will you and Mama do if…”

The steel that rested deep within grew cold and hard as he listened to his son’s words. Joshua was wrong in that he did indeed know how rough it would be for Joel, he also knew how rough it was going to be for Joshua and Robbie too, even though they still hadn’t come to that point yet. He had learned the lessons a long time ago, lessons that it seemed the world tried to forget, tried to always brush aside or explain away but he knew those lesson, and it was because of them that he knew that he had to take the stand he took. Prejudices, racism, were as common today as any other time in history and he prayed silently to God that this time, that this battle at least, be one that the forces of good could win.

Abner “If they don’t like to hear about it, that is too bad Joshua; and it isn’t my job to give them religion either. Either they believe or they don’t. It is my job as the Rabbi to teach, to guide them along the paths HE has set for us, not to make excuses or to do what is convenient. We haven’t survived as a race for almost 6000 years by taking the easy path. If they choose otherwise, well so be it; but all I can do is teach. It is up to them to put it into practise or not.”

Josh “And if they decide not to listen, not to follow the path you teach?”

It was a fair question and he could also see the concern on his boy’s face. He too wondered about the members of his congregation and how they would react to the events unfolding. Part of him knew that many would simply try to ignore the whole thing, others would be more vocal in their opposition and perhaps even one or two who would see this as an opportunity for personal gain. Some might even come to his aid, though he doubted if many would risk that. Whatever the outcome was going to be, he knew that it was certainly going to make the rest of his life seem rather dull in comparison to this period of time.

It wasn’t that he was used to fights with his congregation either, in fact he really never had too many conflicts with them no matter where he had been the Rabbi. This was different though, he was new here as far as Rabbi’s went, and he hadn’t gotten to know too many in the community yet, at least not in the sense that you could say, talk to this one to get this done, talk to that one to keep this going. So he knew that in many ways this battle would be an uphill one; but he couldn’t worry about that, nor could he let Joshua or the boys be concerned about it, they would have enough to cope with as it was. At least he had his Adele, with her at his side he knew that at least he would give a good account of himself, and perhaps that in itself would be enough of a victory for him. Better to go out as a man than to slink away in the dead of night; there had been enough of that in history and he just didn’t think he had the stomach for such nonsense, not at this stage of his life.

Abner “Then we cross that bridge then, who knows maybe they will surprise you boychik. There is one thing about us Jews I learned a long time ago, we don’t always do the expected, do we?”

Josh “No, I guess we don’t, still…”

There was no doubt in his mind that his son was a worrier, as was the entire family he guessed, and yet as he looked at Joshua, he also knew him to be a warrior too. He smiled at his son as he knew it was time to end the ‘what if’s’ and time to move on, to get on with the healing and with dealing with a world gone nuts. He felt a little tired too and he knew that Adele wasn’t far away, holding the fort as they said but it was time for him and for Joshua to have their turn. It was time that Joshua began to talk with the only two people who could really answer all his questions for him, and he prayed that the answers would be the right ones.

Abner “You have enough to worry about Joshua. You leave the congregation to your mother and me, we have been at this a long time. We know a few things or two.”

Ever since he could remember he knew that his family was the sort that was always touching, always hugging and kissing each other. Now, as his father lightly wiped his eyes with his hand, now as his father stared with nothing but love into his eyes, Josh could feel the strength that came from that touch. He had always resisted it before, that urge they had to touch him or hug him and yet now, standing here, it was exactly what he needed and he realized, too, that it was a means of connecting, of letting the love flow thru unimpeded by space, and he wished now that he hadn’t shied away from it in the past. So much had changed for him in such a short time, and yet nothing seemed different; his father still had the same smile, the same look but only now perhaps he was really seeing it for what it truly was, the unconditional love of a parent for a child.

Josh “I suppose, I wish I knew how to talk like you, you make it all seem so easy, so simple and yet I know it isn’t, I know that you and Mama are worried…”

Abner “And when did you ever know your Mama not to be worrying about something? Nu, come I should go answer some of those calls, you need to go talk with your brother now, he needs you too; so too does your Robbie, yes?”

Josh “And you Papa?”

Abner “Ah boychik, I have your Mama and you boys, how can I need anything more? Now go, before your Mama comes in here to try and feed us again, yes?”

The voice came from the far end of the kitchen and while it seemed to startle Joshua at first, it only made his father smile and his eyes sparkle. It was as if he had almost expected to hear her, and Joshua felt once more the deep love that rested in this house. If only he could get Robbie to see it, to feel it too, then maybe there would be hope for them too, and maybe then too Joel might understand it as well.

Adele “I heard that Abner but if you want a nosh²…”

Josh couldn’t help but laugh as he saw his father raise his eyes heavenward and roll them as if in disgust, but he knew it wasn’t that at all, it was just part of the routine, the shtik to help ease the tension that they all were feeling. They were quite the pair his parents, and as he laughed he felt the burden ease just that much more, knowing that he wasn’t alone in his struggle nor was Robbie either. Thinking about them both he knew that they were a perfect match, and he hoped that he and Robbie could one day equal that comparison, because his parents were the standard that was worth being measured to.

Josh “Haha, thanks Papa, and later Mama.”

Adele “Later? Okay and don’t be outside too long, its supposed to be chilly.”

She had come into the kitchen and once more stood beside Abner. Her eyes were a bit puffy from the tears she had shed this day and yet not all of it was from grief. She had cried for the pain that all her boys were going through but she had also shed tears filled with pride at how her boys had stood tall too. Nothing of course though could equal the love and pride that she had felt for her husband and she took his hand into hers as they watched their eldest head down towards the other two boys.

Her eyes filled once more with tears as she saw Joshua halt for a moment, and then he lifted his head upwards, standing tall and he squared his shoulders as he slowly made his way out back, slowly made his way towards the two who meant the whole world to him. Watching him walk she knew that he would find the words that he needed and she also knew that as much as she had wanted to go out there herself, Abner had been right in letting Robbie be the one to go.

Abner “See? I told you.”

Adele “Yes, you did, now come, Miriam has arrived.”

Abner “Miriam? Oh? I wonder who asked her to come calling, as if I don’t know, but you are right, so, tea and kugel in the den?”

Adele “Half hour?”

Abner “Yes that should be about right, you know something Mama?”

Adele “I know Papa, now go, I have things to prepare; go be the Rabbi now, Rudy Valentino you can be later.”

Abner “Haha, yes Mama.”

Part 2

He had watched the newscast in his bedroom, alone surrounded by a past that he had sometimes wished he could really either remember better or just forget it ever existed. His eyes had narrowed as he saw Robbie Fisher tell everyone just how much he had changed, how much he had broken the cardinal rule. His eyes glimmered with hate even as he saw the other two boys, the younger one he knew from last year and the other one, the one holding Robbie’s hand had to be the cause of it all. It had to be him that made Robbie break his oath, break his vow and now he too was in danger, now he too would perhaps have to suffer all because Robbie Fisher was a weak snivelling coward.

Why the fuck couldn’t he have just kept quiet? The old geezer had been doing okay, had kept everyone guessing, and he had given that asshole Askew a few good shots too and all without spilling anything, so why the fuck did Robbie have to go and spoil it? Why did he have to open his damn mouth? Shit, it was one thing to have discussed it, hell they had even talked about it amongst themselves a long time ago but why did he have to open his mouth now? Couldn’t he have waited, couldn’t he have just kept the secret to himself? Now, now it would all come out and then where would he be? Robbie at least seemed to have someone, he had no one and who would want him once they knew the truth?

He got up from his single bed, looked over at the many photographs that were laid out on his dresser table, another hand me down from his big sister but at least it was long and not like all the other dressers that most guys had. It had room and he walked over in his bare feet, picking up the odd photograph, staring at the smiling faces and then putting them down, the memories of when they had been taken filling his young mind once again. At last he came to the one’s he always left for the last, the ones that he wished he could just throw away and yet each time that he would try, he would wind up on his knees picking them back out of the garbage.

The picture showed two young boys, one just 15 at the time and the other just 13, and as he stared at the picture of himself and Robbie he could feel the tearing pain around his heart, wondering what had gone so wrong that they were no longer the happy duo? Why had it all changed for him and why was he all alone now, Robbie should be his not that other guys, but then Robbie never was into things like he was. Robbie had to be the big star, had to play the big brother to Justin too and he felt the tears at the corner of his eyes as he picked up that other special photograph.

Through clouded eyes he saw the face, the way that lock of hair just wouldn’t stay put and always hung down over the left eye, rebellious just as the boy was at times. They had a few fights early on but that ended, as they also became close friends after discovering that they both shared the same secret. Strange how secrets you couldn’t talk to anyone about suddenly brought you closer to some people and then made you distant strangers with others. He and Robbie had been like that, sharing the same secret and yet growing more distant with each passing day until they simply no longer saw each other, and now fate was once more uniting them, their shared secret once more binding them together.

Standing there with the photograph in his hand he looked up into the mirror, saw the same look that was on the face in the picture, the same dullness in the eyes too and he shivered a little as he reached out with his hand, to run his hand against the reflection of himself in the mirror, the pain in his soul tearing into him, making his body shake and tremble. He could see the tears streaking down his cheeks as he felt the loss even more now. Robbie shouldn’t have talked, shouldn’t have said it and now it would all come out again, he had seen it when he had stepped out to answer the phone, the way his mother and step father had looked at him, and he knew that the questions would come, that soon there would be the knock on the door and the pain he had managed to hide would once more come up to overwhelm him. ‘No, Robbie you shouldn’t have said it’ he said as he looked down at his hands. ‘You really shouldn’t have broken the vow’ he said softly again and he felt the tears dripping off his face, placing the faded picture of his older brother on the dresser table, the eyes haunting him still as he felt the shame and fear welling up inside.

Part 3

Bobby put his phone down and stared off at the clouds up in the sky. Everyone it seemed had watched CH tonight and that was something considering that most of the people he hung out with rarely watched the news unless it had been a homework assignment. Now “Friends” or “Suddenly Susan” was different, hot babes there but not the news for sure and yet his cell phone hadn’t stopped ringing as guys from the team and other friends called him up. Finally, with the battery near death, he shut it off and let the voice message handle it all.

His parents had barely said much about it, except his dad did kind of look at him funny once or twice while that sports jerk was on, and even when he and Neil’s moment of glory was shown he thought for sure his mother was going to say something. Strange, he figured the old man would be chewing his ass off asking a whole bunch of questions; instead he simply shook his head and asked him if he had heard anything about when the funeral would be. Christ, parents could be so strange at times, just when you thought you had them all figured out they pulled this shit on you but still, he was happy that he hadn’t had to go through the grand inquisition with them. Things were just too fucking confusing as it was without having to deal with all that.

He tossed the ball a few more times and then stuck his head into the back door, yelling that he was heading out to some friends places and would be back before 11, his mother telling him to take a jacket and his father suddenly appearing, asking if he needed a few bucks. Christ it had scared him, the way his dad just sort of handed over a ten spot. Weird how the older they got the stranger they got but he had taken the ten spot and headed out to where, he wasn’t exactly sure, just somewhere away from everyone because he had things to think over. Things were too confusing right now and a walk alone always helped him in the past.

As he headed down the street he started to wonder about a lot of things, things he wished he could just kind of forget but lately he had even woken up because of them. He wouldn’t call them nightmares, just that they bugged the shit out of him and a part of him said he should tell someone, but then he wasn’t sure exactly what he could say, or how it would look either. There was this part of his mind that told him he should call someone, or tell his parents at least but if he did, what then? Would anyone really believe him and worse, if it got out, what would happen then to his reputation?

Even Justin seemed not to have been bothered by it, and as he walked down, kicking a stone along its way, he felt the sadness at knowing that Justin was gone. He didn’t really understand all this death stuff, still couldn’t figure out even how it could have happened, least not the way the news guys said it had. He knew Joel too, and he wondered a bit about that, wondering if he too was that ‘way’ or was it just his older brother? Christ so many things to think about and he knew that somehow it would eventually make sense to him, just that maybe he didn’t want it to make sense. That crap that Joel was jealous of Justin was just that, crap; but he knew some of the guys might buy it, hell a couple had already phoned wanting to know what he thought they should do about Joel Goldberg and all. What could he tell them except to cool down and wait but he knew one or two of them wouldn’t listen, they never did except when they were in shit. Then he’d have to go get the coach to bail their sorry asses out but he didn’t think this time that anyone would really object.

Tears never came easy to Bobby Jaworski, but he felt their hot sting as he continued to walk down the busy street, oblivious to the cars whizzing by or the strange look that a few people gave him as they walked past him. He was going to miss Justin a lot, they had been good friends, partly he thought because of their shared secret, but he also thought it was also because they liked each other, they had respect for their talents on the court, and that counted.

Justin could be a hot head that was for sure, but no matter what he also could easily forgive a person he got into a scrape with. He always was trying to prove himself too, prove that he was a lady killer more than Robbie had been, just as he always tried to show how much better he was at basketball. Bobby had seen Robbie play, had watched him last year and as much as he admired Robbie’s style and grace, Justin was definitely a better player. Only thing with Justin was that he wasn’t the leader that Robbie had been, a reason perhaps at why he was designated team captain for this season instead of Justin.

He leaned up against a tree and watched the cars going by, thinking back to when the coach had called him and Justin into his office, to tell them that he was making him team captain over Justin. For a minute or two Bobby had thought that Justin might throw a real fit but instead he had just sort of sighed, letting the air out of his lungs and then with a big grin he had slapped Bobby on the shoulder and congratulated him. It just didn’t seem real actually but for whatever reason, he had breathed a sigh of relief too, making Justin laugh a little.

The pain in his heart grew as he remembered how Justin looked those few times when he would let go, and just laugh or smile. It was almost as if whatever he was keeping inside didn’t matter for those brief moments and he looked so young then almost as if he were someone else instead of who he really was. Bobby had never thought about it much but it was like Justin was two people; most of the time he was this super competitive jock, desperate to always be top dog, and yet at other times, he was like some quiet nerd who just wanted to stay way in the back of everyone. Maybe that was one reason too why he and Justin had been good friends, Justin seemed less on edge around him and there had been times too when Justin had sort of confided in him.

Bobby still wasn’t sure at times when Justin was teasing him or serious but he knew that Justin had this urge to always try and best Robbie, to be better at everything that Robbie had done. He was so excited about this coming season and yet at times Bobby could have sworn that Justin wished he had never heard about basketball. They practised together along with Neil at times and Justin was so competitive and yet he took time to always help, always point out little things that he or Neil were doing that was wrong, things that if they changed would help them. Yet on the court he was a holy terror, yelling even at them if they goofed and it was all so confusing because now Justin was gone, and he felt the loss deep inside, not really sure how to deal with it, as he stood up and headed back down the street, heading towards town.

He was going to miss Justin a whole lot, he knew that but he also knew that at least now, Justin would be able to rest, not have to try to prove himself every second of every god damn day. Funny, here he was suddenly angry because Justin felt that he had to prove himself, and if he would just be honest with himself, he wasn’t really all that much different. Being with Justin always made him try harder too and now that was gone, taken from him and he didn’t understand how or even why. Life fucking sucked at times but why did he feel so nervous all of a sudden? Why did he keep going back to that one weekend, why did it bug him so much? After all, Justin had explained it to him, and in some sort of weird way it had made sense too. Maybe that was it, maybe it had made too much sense to him when it really shouldn’t have?

Without even realizing it he was downtown and he walked further down Government Street towards the inner harbour and the Parliament buildings. He felt a bit weird actually, as he walked along the street seeing all the tourists and as he walked by the hot dog stand, he stopped to grab one, thanking his dad silently for the ten spot. As he put some mustard on his bun he wondered about what it was like, was it like some said, that death was it, nothing else existed and you just sort of well, disappeared or was it like all the preachers said, that it was just a beginning of something better?

It bothered him thinking that it was all over for Justin, that he just no longer existed anywhere. Somehow it just didn’t seem right that someone who had so much talent could just suddenly cease to be, to no longer count anywhere except maybe in a few people’s memories. He wished he could talk to his own parents about it but all they would say was that it was a personal choice, whether to believe in something after death or not. His mother thought there might be something, his father didn’t and Sunday was not really a church type day for them either. So much to think about, stuff that he had never really given any thought to; and yet now, as he walked aimlessly around the causeway, he wondered about life, about death, about Justin, stuff that his parents wouldn’t think he would ever bother with but still, he did wonder.

He never had given GOD much thought, and here he was asking himself if he believed, if it even mattered and he was just 16 and not really a bad student. For the most part he found school a drag, unsure of why he needed to know some of the shit, but leaning up against the cement bulwark and staring off at the yachts moored close by, he did wonder just what it all meant. Was he just here as a quirk, was life just a crap shoot like his dad said or was there more to it?

Standing there he remembered one time not long ago, when he and Justin had come down here for folkfest, and Justin had gotten awfully quiet as they watched some geezer yelling at his little kid. Justin had just stopped and stared at the guy, his eyes had seemed like they were ready to explode and Bobby had seen how he had stood, so rigid, so tense that he thought for a second that Justin would go over and pound the shit out of the guy but he didn’t. Instead he just stood there, breathing hard and then he looked upward and then out towards the sea. Bobby had been surprised at how soft Justin’s voice was too, the way he just talked for ages about how life wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, no matter how good or how many points you scored, and how he hoped that the preachers were right, that heaven was a hell of a lot better.

Being here now he wondered about that time, wondering if somehow Justin felt like life on earth wasn’t so hot and then he thought about Robbie too. Obviously both of the Fisher’s didn’t particularly care for living it seemed and yet both of them had played hard, partied hard too as he remembered some of those wild team parties last year. How could someone like Robbie, who always seemed to be at the centre of all the fun stuff, feel life was so useless? How could his own brother stand here and hope that heaven was better than what he had then? It didn’t make sense to him and he wished he had a beer right now, to be able to just sit down and drink back a couple of cold brews, talk a little with his best friend, but while he could scrounge a beer, he would never be able to sit and talk with his best friend. Justin was gone forever and he felt the pain and began to cry as it finally began to sink in that Justin was gone from his life.

Part 4

He had only one more night left before he could take his four days off before having to start the cycle all over again. There were times when he just wished he could tell them all to shove it and stay home to look after his wife and kids but the mortgage still needed to be paid and they still needed to eat, though he had to admit neither he nor his wife seemed much interested in food these days. Her condition hadn’t really worsened but her appetite was still not what it should be.

Most hated night duty simply because it made it tough to do things before or after, as if anyone wanted to go out and do things after 4 in the morning? What could you enjoy if you had to be at work before 8 but he found it perfect for his needs. Before work he was able to spend time with the kids, and after work, well it was the time when she at least felt the best. They would sit out back or even go for walks on those mornings when the pain wasn’t too bad. It also was a good time for him to take a detour on the way home, to stop by Broad Street and pick up some weed.

Sitting by the phone, leaning back in his chair he thought about how the world seemed so mixed up. Most kids in junior high knew how or where to get pot and more, yet if he went through the proper channels to get it for his wife, it would take him at least six to eight months and even then it didn’t necessarily mean it would be of benefit, not like the stuff you got on the streets. If he ever got caught he would lose everything but his wife was at least alive right now because he did make those occasional detours and that was what counted to him.

Harry Converse had watched the news that night, and he had felt annoyed as he saw the way they dealt with Robbie Fisher and the death of his brother. He couldn’t care less if both of the boys had been gay or not, but watching the telecast he knew his plans for leaving early tonight would be on hold. The phones always lit up on nights after something like this. People became suddenly talkative, many of the tips would be false and even made up but they still had to check them all out, still had to record them and log them and he knew he’d be lucky to get off much before 5, never mind leave early. It was that which pissed him off because he also knew that on these types of occasions it also gave young impressionable kids ideas, ideas that rarely ended happily ever after.

He lit up another cigarette as he tried to figure out if he had enough pot left to last at least until tomorrow night because, while there was a lull in the calls now, he knew from experience that it would soon pick up again and go all the way through till his relief showed up. Taking a long pull on the cigarette he figured he could stretch the pot out till tomorrow night and was trying to decide when he’d have to go out in search of more when the phone rang and the light glowed on the button for the tip line. Harry sighed as he stubbed the cigarette out and picked up the phone to take another anonymous report.

Harry “Abuse hot line…”

Voice “Uh, this where you report stuff?”

Harry “Depends on what you mean, if you know of some case of abuse, then yes you can report it here or you can call the office in the morning to talk to or make an appointment to see a case worker.”

Voice “No I don’t want to do that, no one will know I called, right?”

Harry “No, no one will know.”

Voice “You don’t have that caller id stuff? I mean you can’t trace this right?”

Harry “No, we don’t have caller ID and there is a special block on this line so it can’t be traced. Do you have something to report?”

Voice “I don’t know, I mean maybe its nothing, maybe I should just forget it, I mean the guy is dead, so…”

The way the girl had spoken, he knew it had to be about the Fisher boy and he also knew that Debbie was really involved in that case. So far he had already fielded about a half dozen calls with people claiming to know stuff about one or the other Fisher boys. But this one, he couldn’t explain it if called to, this voice had an edge of real worry to it, of real concern that made him sit up in his chair and check to insure that the tape was running.

Harry “Who is dead?”

Voice “That guy, the one who was on the news, the basketball guy.”

Harry “Oh, yes he is, but if you know anything about what may have happened…”

Voice “No, nothing like that, just that, I mean what about before? Is that still important?”

There was a ring of sincerity in the voice, something that made the pen shake in his hand a bit as he tried to coax the voice into revealing something, into trusting him but he knew that sometimes it took several calls before the caller who really had something was relaxed enough to actually say something. This could be one of those types or worse, could be the type who did have something but even after calling was too spooked to give the details. He hated those types, because you could feel it in your gut that the caller had some information, something that could help and yet because they felt afraid, felt uncertain the information never came out.

Harry “Before? Oh, well yes it is, we still investigate even if the victim is no longer alive.”

Voice “Oh, but what if I am wrong? I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t say anything, not like I really know, I mean its just that… no never mind.”

Harry put the receiver down and stared at the phone for a second or two before reaching for his logbook. He entered the date, time of the call and position of it on the tape and then he sat there, the pen poised over the column for ‘remarks’ and wondered what he should put. It wasn’t like the voice had really said much but still, something about the way it sounded made the hair on his neck bristle. He may be fed up with the system but he did have experience on the job and it was his instincts that were bugging him as he wrote down voice female, hesitant, re Justin Fisher incident, may call back. Staring at the words he stared at the entry, feeling strange as he then wrote under the cc column to forward a notice to Debbie Winston. Harry couldn’t explain why he did that, the call had nothing in it really but still it irked him, it had triggered his own senses and before he could take it any further the phones lit up again and he turned his attention away to answer more calls.

Chapter 26

Part 1

His face was ashen as he looked at himself in the mirror. He couldn’t believe what he had done, how he had simply lost it and as he stared at the picture of himself, the reflection showing just how much of a failure he had been, Walter began to slowly wipe away the pain. He splashed cold water on his face, hoping to ease the redness and puffiness around the eyes, a tell tale sign of someone who had been crying. Bad enough that there had been people there but he didn’t need to advertise it further with new arrivals coming.

All this time he had managed to keep his emotions to himself. Not even the death of his mother had brought such tears to his face and certainly not in public. Sure, he had cried for her but that had been in the privacy of the cabin, just the animals and himself, no one else to witness his shame, his surrender into emotion. Even then though it hadn’t been much of a tear letting, as he had fought the urge and won. Strange, he had always been closer to his mother and yet the collapse of his father made him go to pieces. Walt just couldn’t understand it as he stared as his reflection for the umpteenth time in a few minutes.

Nothing had been easy for him, and his own father had been the one who told him that men needed to be strong, that they needed to control and contain the emotions such as crying and weeping, that it was sissy stuff and not for men like Fisher Men. Christ the old man sure had some strange thoughts about the family name, how it had to have ‘honour,’ had to have ‘dignity’ and yet here he goes and collapses at a piece of bad news. Typical of him, he always was more of the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ type person, still though he had to admit that he hadn’t really seen the old geezer cry much. He did bawled his eyes out when his Mom died, but at least he had the decency to do it only in front of the family.

Just thinking back to that time, he grew angry with Tommy but also at himself, because he had surpassed the old man in the waterworks department today, and unlike his father, he did it in public too. Well at least none of the boys… He struggled again, trying to keep himself from giving in as he started to think about his two sons, both of whom he knew were now lost to him. He still couldn’t accept that Justin was gone, that his smiling face would no longer peer into his as he announced a trip to the cabin or some other treat. It was hard to imagine what breakfast would be like without the hustle and bustle of a teenager heading off to school, nor could he really fathom just how he would get through the entire school year without hearing Justin’s report on his day. It was almost as if life as he knew it had just suddenly ceased to exist.

The tears continued to press for release but his fists closed tightly into the palms of his hands, refusing to give in any further. He sighed deeply, wondering just how he was going to make it through today, never mind the rest of his life. His temper was hot as he stared at himself, thinking that the doctors hadn’t been honest with him. There had to be something else that had happened, there just wasn’t anyway that Justin would have ignored such a serious problem. Besides, that doctor that had treated Justin, he seemed to be on Robbie’s side too, the way he over rode his objections to let Robbie talk with Justin, robbing him, the boy’s father, of any last second conversation. It was infuriating to him as he thought about that doctor and he vowed to get more information, once all this stupid emotionalism was behind him.

His body ached still and he knew that he had shocked some of his friends with his sudden outburst, but he also knew that they, being the weak souls they were, wouldn’t put much stock in it, in fact it might serve him better as he knew that he was about to engage in a tremendous struggle. There just wasn’t any let up when you were a father and husband and mentor. There was so much for him to do, so many details that he had to take care of and yet for now, all he could think of was that his life had changed, that it would no longer be the life he had dreamed of and as he stood there, shivering a little he wondered why God had singled him out for such harsh treatment? What had he done that had warranted God to take from him his pride and joy, wasn’t it enough that God had let Robbie become lost to him, that he had let Robbie be corrupted into turning into one of ‘them’? Surely that was enough of a punishment or was God still punishing him for what had happened so long ago, when he was just a mere child, younger even than Justin?

Thinking back to then made his eyes narrow and it made him clench the side of the counter he was leaning against even harder. His fingers ached from the strain as he saw those images passing in front of him, the one’s of him crying and pleading for the pain to stop and yet it never stopped, not for days did it stop and he had spent every waking minute of those days and nights begging, crying, pleading and for nothing. If he had been strong then, if he had known then what he knew now, perhaps the pain would have ended sooner, perhaps the pain that still tortured him would be less? He shook his head in anger, knowing that he had failed in being a man then, and he swore that he wouldn’t do that again, not now, not with so much still to do but Justin wasn’t here, Justin and Robbie were no longer a part of his life and as he straightened up, he knew he would just have to find other ways to compensate for the loss.

His will continued to exert its strength over his memories and he shut out the horrible pictures of himself when he was only ten, and he shut out the aftermath of it too, the disbelief that he had seen in his own father’s face back then when it had all come out, the way even his own brother had acted. Well, today he was stronger, today he was a real man and while he knew he had a momentary lapse, he knew too that he would never let that happen again. People expected better of him, and he expected better of himself too as he splashed more cold water on his face, shoving the pain and grief deep inside of him, to that place where he kept it all hidden and his mind was once more clear, once more able to function as he wished. Walter Fisher had overcome the grief and he straightened his shoulders back, ran his hand through his hair and stared at the reflection one last time.

Walter walked out of the bathroom, his ears picking up the growing sound of voices and he knew that more people had arrived to offer their sympathy to him and his wife. He stared at the hallway, wondering if he should go to the living room first but his mind knew better and he turned and headed towards their bedroom. He entered it and closed the door, and in a second he had the little personal directory open and had the number dialled on the bedroom phone. He waited for a few minutes and then finally was able to be connected to his lawyer after some quick explanations. The secretary had expressed her own sympathy but he thought she could keep her pity, right now he had more important things to deal with and as he spoke, the lawyer on the other end knew that Walter Fisher meant business.

He didn’t leave anything to chance either as he spoke, speaking in a hard tone so there would be no argument. Damn if he would let some jerk ass doctor get away with what that Mills-Smith fellow had this morning. Walter knew that it would be a hard battle, but then he was a man, he could take whatever was thrown at him and keep on standing; besides family honour and family dignity demanded that he do no less, so the lawyer’s objections were shunted aside. He didn’t care what it cost, he would have his day in court and as he hung up the phone, he felt better. The lawyer hadn’t argued that much and in fact, Stanley Karmon seemed as if there just might be a case they could win. He at least was willing to check into it and these days, well it had to mean something.

Walter wasn’t certain just what it was he wanted to have Stanley do, or even how much they should try to get, but he wanted to try, hell he had to try because the family honour was at stake. There really wasn’t a choice so he put the phone down, his plan already in motion he hoped, and headed back to the living room. With all the people here there was no way he could go to the hospital just yet, the people coming would expect him and Sharon to be here, so he turned and reached for the phone one more time. He called the hospital to find out that his father was doing much better, and Pastor Johnson even came to the phone to tell him that they no longer thought that Tommy had had a stroke, instead they seemed confident that it was merely a mild panic attack but they were wanting to keep Tommy overnight for observation.

Pastor Johnson informed Walter that Tommy wasn’t co-operating so it was most likely that he would be heading home, or perhaps if Walter had agreed, he would be bringing Tommy to the Fisher place. He had smiled a little at that news, knowing that even his own father was finally getting his strength back, that he was once more becoming the man that he had taught both him and his brother to be, so he told the Pastor to let Tommy decide where he wanted to go. If it were to come to his home, he would see that a spare room was available; if he insisted on going back to his own house, then Sharon or he would stop by later, once things settled down some. Pastor Johnson seemed relieved at that for some reason, but he didn’t dally on the phone, there was company that he had to attend to.

Walking towards the room he felt much better, and somehow he knew that he would get through his loss, after all he was a man and men were designed to handle this stuff, it is why God made them first, or so he believed. His head was held high as he strode back into the room, his eyes glancing around to see who had arrived and who had left. It looked much as it had before his outburst, and he noticed that hardly any had left. Well if they had stayed to see if he would recover or break down again, they were in for a disappointment, because he was back in charge, master of his own body and his emotions once more. No more break downs, no more tears to cloud his mission, his job as the head of the Fisher household.

Part 2

Debbie kept looking at the wall clock, then her watch and then even the tiny little clock on the bottom of her computer task bar. It was unnerving the way the seconds kept ticking away and still no word yet from Sy. She knew it would be close, assuming he could convince the Minister to order the investigation, but he just had to pull it off, he had to.

Her mind continued to swirl around as she kept swivelling around, looking at different clocks or just staring off into space. Even the normal buzz in the room seemed subdued, as if everyone knew what she was up to and were waiting with baited breathe for the phone call. Her nerves were raw as each jangle of the phone made her turn towards the desk that held the ringing phone, her eyes opening wide as if asking if that were the call, and each time the person answering would shake their head she felt her stomach turn, the acid churning as the clock continued its march towards its own answer.

In many ways she felt excited too, after all her years, she was actually doing something that wasn’t by the book. Sitting back staring at the large wall clock and its march forwards she felt the exhilaration of the wind in her face, that fresh air breeze of having done something that was simply right, not because a rule said it had to be or not but simply because inside, she knew it was right. She didn’t quite yet understand how she knew this, or even what it was that she was so concerned about in any real sense, she just knew that following the book wasn’t going to get her the answers and worse, wasn’t going to end whatever horror was going on in the Fisher household. It was strange to think like this, not because she was relying on years of experience either, but simply because she had this feeling deep inside of her. The outward appearance of the Fisher’s was that they were a model family, the boys excelled in sports, the parents were there for them, not part time but all the time; so why then did she feel that Justin and Robbie were tortured souls? Why did she feel that their pain wasn’t exclusive to just them?

Everything about both boys said they were normal teenagers, that they had an active social life, that they were not the typical kid who would abuse drugs or alcohol or get into trouble, so why then did she feel that the reports were wrong? Why did she stare at Justin’s school records and think of how neat it all fit, how it looked so sanitary? Hell, even the so called teacher reports of incidents seemed to be so neat, so clean, almost as if they were rehearsed, were simply a copy of a pre set standardized form, but that wasn’t possible, was it? Her eyes narrowed and she picked up Justin’s school records again, reading the average thick file, pulling out the few reports of incidents, checking them to see if her instincts were simply playing tricks with her.

Kids like Justin and Robbie, popular boys, usually had the odd run in with other kids or authority and yet looking through the files, there wasn’t a whole lot there. Okay Justin had a problem with a new teacher, and the report claimed he was arrogant, almost to the point of insolence; but then the follow up report by the teacher claimed it was simply a misunderstanding, that Justin had been under pressure from too much practise, that the father had explained it satisfactorily to her and that she didn’t feel the need for further action; but that didn’t mesh. Her initial report claimed that she felt fear from the boy, that he could become a potential “ticking bomb,” to use the teacher’s words, and then less than two days later it was just a misunderstanding? She looked at the name of the teacher and found she had been a substitute, and after a few more checks she also found that the same teacher was now a full time teacher at the school based on a recommendation from the Principle.

Strange, it seemed that in the middle of a school year the Principle had requested a teacher be added to the roster, not usual procedure and especially not for a stickler like Arthur Keats, who hated red tape but was so by the book that she was sure entire forests were grown just for all the reports his school generated and that thought made her sit up. Arthur Keats was indeed a stickler for reports, reports for every minor instance of the operation of his school and yet looking at Justin’s and Robbie’s records, they were lean. There were no follow up reports of teacher/administration discussions, no follow-ups on discussions with the parents or even with the students involved in the incidents listed. Where was the typical Keats paperwork for Justin Fisher? Why were there no memos or reports of anything but what you would expect from any student file except a Mount Doug one? Sure, the file was in order, standard format used by most schools, an incident would be filed, then usually a resolution statement of what had been done, on occasion, depending on the severity, there would be an accounting of who was talked to, what was discussed, and even what recommendations were made; and yet here, there was none of those. Just the initial report and then the adjudicated result, and that wasn’t normal by most standards, not given the severity of some of the initial reports.

Where was the boy’s councillor interview with the participants? Where were the reports on the discussions with the parents? Even phone discussions with them should be noted and recorded, yet none of those existed in Justin’s files. But they had to, there had to be calls otherwise how could the adjudicated results exist?

Debbie picked up the report again from the substitute teacher and read it line by line, word by word and then she read it again, followed by reading the final report. It said that the father had explained the situation to the teacher’s satisfaction, but what about the boy’s councillor, or the Vice Principle even? Why were they not involved or if they were, where in blazes were their reports? The nagging feeling in her stomach became worse as she pondered the sudden realization that the files she had were not the whole file. Someone or maybe several someone’s had obviously gone through the records with a fine tooth comb and either removed or simply substituted cleaned reports.

From her own involvement with Arthur Keats she found it difficult to believe that this was true, that the student files were deliberately tampered with and yet she had to admit, the files were inconsistent with his reputation for by the book paperwork. It had been a treat for her in the last case, to have so much information to work with, much of which was useless really but it had given her the facts she had needed and so this was puzzling, to say the least. She sat back, a pencil in her mouth as she thought about it, trying to figure out what it was that she was missing here. Arthur Keats was no fool, he was a top rated administrator and he knew the rules better than perhaps even those who wrote the manuals and books that he followed, yet these files were not up to his standards.

Her mind continued to work on different levels as the clock continued its march towards that time when it would mean they had failed and yet, despite her growing anxiety over the lack of news from Sy, she was still able to ponder the mysterious lack of reports in the files. Not only that, she also was thinking about her dinner date with Myron, and she had a strange tingling in places she hadn’t thought of for a long, long time. Funny how she could sit here, think about SY, about Arthur and also feel the growing urge to be with Myron? Maybe there was hope for her yet but part of her still didn’t quite believe that. Part of her still felt at odds with what she was doing but damn it felt good anyhow. How could something that felt so good, felt so right, be so wrong?

It also was strange how many around her were reacting to the news of her attempted crusade as it reached everyone. Many had stopped their work to stare at her, as if they thought it had to be a trick of some kind, many shaking their heads in disbelief at first but gradually believing it as time wore on and her own nervous attitude showed through. Funny, she had never really made friends with any of the people here, other than maybe Harry Converse, and even that was more of a coffee room type friendship. She had rarely gone to any social gatherings at the start of her career with Social Services and lately she had to admit, there just weren’t the invitations to any for her to consider. Thinking about it, she realized just how lonely her life had become and maybe that was the reason that she so desperately wanted Myron’s attention? Could it simply be that she was lonely? Could the attraction she thought she was feeling for him be just that she was tired of being alone, of having no one to share her problems with or was it real? Were her feelings genuine and based on an attraction or was she just deluding herself one more time?

Her thoughts were certainly all over the place as once more her eyes strayed to the clock and yet she also wondered about the files, her hand resting on the folder, her fingers tapping the cover as she thought about how she could find out, wondering if maybe that was what CH News had, that maybe they had a different set of records than she had or was she maybe giving them more credit than they deserved? Were they merely following their own hunches? Could they be digging into this story because it was topical? Could they be so callous as to simply be looking for the sensationalism that outing a top local high school athlete could bring them, coupled with the death of another? Was that really all they had or was it more than that, did they really know something and, if they did, were the people in charge so naïve as to try and hide it from the authorities?

Her mind was so preoccupied with all these different scenarios that she missed the first call to her, but as the voice finally reached her, she sat upright in her chair, reaching for her phone and punching the flashing light over the number that her co-worker had yelled out. Her hands were suddenly moist from sweat as she knew this was it, this would be Sy and all her thoughts, all her planning would tell now.

Debbie “Debbie Winston.”

Sy Greenlee “Well, it’s me…”

Her heart was beating a mile a second as she recognized Sy Greenlee’s voice. She new it was showing too, the way some people had stopped their work to turn and stare at her. Everyone it seemed had wind of what was up and for a minute she was perturbed but then she realized that it felt good to know that others actually were as nervous as she was. Strange how she had never felt like this before, or at least if she had she had never given into it like she was now.

Debbie “Christ I was starting to get nervous Sy, so, is he ordering an investigation?”

Sy “Whoa, slow down Debbie, yes, he’s agreed to ordering one, but…”

Debbie “I could kiss you… what do you mean but? What ‘but’ can there be Sy?”

Sy “The ‘but’ is that you are going to need a lot more to

get a Judge to grant an injunction, I have already made

the rounds, best that I can get you is Judge Green who said he’d watch the newscast and if he felt they had relevant information he would issue a writ to seize the files, but only after Debbie.”

Her heart sank at the words and she couldn’t hide it either. Her whole body just seemed to sag in the chair and her hand gripped the phone even tighter, her knuckles growing white from the pressure she was exerting. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Steve Ferguson looking at her and begin to walk towards her desk. Strange, but it gave her some strength to see the concern on his face and she straightened up a little, refusing to accept this as a total failure.

Debbie “Sy that’s not good enough, shit, if they telecast their story, it’ll cause nothing but grief for Robbie Fisher, the family, and worse it will compromise the integrity of our investigation. Come on Sy, there has to be one Judge who will listen?”

Sy “Afraid not Debbie, hell even the Minister helped me make the rounds, none of them are willing to go out on such a thin limb. You know how it is, they may be independent but the media can still roast them, shit you know what happened to Judge Crandall and that isn’t all that long ago. They just don’t want the grief unless they have something more substantial Debbie. Sorry.”

Part of her wished she could just strangle those men and women in robes at times, but she also knew that what Sy was saying was right. She really had nothing substantial to go on, just her hunches and even those she had to admit were suspect. After all she might have been a long time social worker but only lately did it seem like she had finally figured out what that meant, what the job really was about. If she could take that long, well it was at least understandable at why the judiciary was just as cautious.

Debbie knew the Crandall case, a Judge who had issued arrest warrants for a prominent figure based solely on a teacher’s suspicions. The man had been hauled to jail before anyone could interview either the man or the child involved or even the teacher for that matter and as it turned out, the teacher had been totally wrong in her suspicions. It also turned out that the teacher had been a one time associate of the prominent man and wasn’t happy that he had recently become engaged to someone other than her. What a mess it had been and the Judge, while acting on what he thought was enough evidence to at least protect an innocent child, it wasn’t and his entire career had been ruined. He had been forced to retire as the media had really gone to town on him, calling him out of touch, saying he was one of those who thought a person’s rights were irrelevant and worse. So yeah, she knew how the Judge’s would feel, didn’t make it right but she could understand it.

Debbie “So a 18 year old gets outed on local television while the funeral hasn’t even been set for his brother? Is that justice Sy?”

Sy “No Debbie, it isn’t justice, it is the law though.”

Debbie “Fuck the law Sy, sorry, guess this really has me in knots…”

Sy “You don’t say? I am sorry I couldn’t get it all for you Debbie, I have never heard you so passionate on something like this, must say it took me by surprise. But look, at least you got your investigation.”

Debbie “Yeah? Strange, I think that was a compliment yet it feels more like a condemnation.”

Sy “It was meant as a compliment, Debbie.”

Debbie “I know Sy, but it shouldn’t be a first, hell it shouldn’t even be out of the normal, should it? Guess better late than never though, right Sy?”

Sy “I suppose so, uh the Judge said he’ll watch it in chambers. You are welcome to join him and if you have the paperwork ready, if the newscast shows what you expect it to, he’ll sign it and you can get right on over to the station. You’ll need an RCMP officer and a local detective to serve the papers. You have all that arranged?”

Debbie “Yeah I do, or will have, can we all meet there? I mean the police and all, plus I’d like to go too, don’t know why but I would.”

Sy “Yeah, thought as much, it’s all arranged.”

Debbie “Okay, thanks Sy, say, who is the AG assigning to head up this investigation?”

Sy “I was afraid you might ask that. Uh, he’s appointing a back bencher, Gill Tucker from the Kootenay’s to head it.”

Debbie “Tucker? One of the new one’s?”

Sy “Yeah, he’s a teacher Debbie, some private school up there, don’t know all that much about him.”

The name wasn’t familiar to her but then most of the new MLA’s weren’t familiar to anyone, as the Liberals had swept to power just a year earlier. All she knew was that budgets were being cut, that money was in even a shorter supply and her own department, already understaffed might be facing more staffing cuts. Well, maybe this could help her but she doubted it. Most politicians, especially the new one’s, would be still basking in their victory and unwilling to jeopardize a re-election battle. She sighed a little wondering just how did any of those who came in contact with the department ever make it through it in one piece? It had to be luck b