Chapter 27
Part 1
“Local High School Basketball Star attempts suicide days before younger brother dies under unknown circumstances” was the first hint that the station was going to drag the report out for as long as possible. It had hit her hard and made the hair on the back of her neck stand on edge as they all heard the teaser. Another screaming headline from the anchor “Local Jewish community rocked by Rabbi’s involvement in apparent suicide attempt and unexplained death of young promising high school athlete Justin Fisher, details later in a special report” followed it shortly after. There were other teasers as well as the first half hour of the news aired.
All eyes had turned towards Myron when one teaser claimed that already the local Jewish community was rallying around their Rabbi by retaining legal counsel who had ‘no comment’ and it showed him ushering the Rabbi and the two boys, Robbie and Joshua, into the hospital. She had looked at him with a quizzical expression and he had only shrugged his shoulders, his mind already wondering if there wasn’t a case here for libel just from the trailers that the station was using. So far they had managed to imply that there was some conspiracy happening in Justin’s death, that the Jewish community was involved and all without any facts or evidence to back it all up with.
For the first time since he had walked into the bar the other night and seen Debbie Winston, his mind was totally centred on the case before him. How could they get away with all this but what was bothering him more was how people looked at him after the references to the Jewish community. The reporters knew he was retained for Robbie Fisher and yet it was implied that he was in fact working for the Goldbergs or that the community had hired him. He’d like to know where they got that information as he leaned against the far wall, his hand holding the black video case and he wondered how he could go about getting a copy of the entire newscast that was now playing.
Just before the break another teaser aired, claimed that Social Services were already investigating the Fisher situation prior to Justin’s mysterious demise and that despite their claims that it was routine, CH investigative news reporter had learned that it was far from routine. The mere mention that there was a conflict of what Social Services claimed and what had been supposedly uncovered brought everyone to the edge of their chairs. No one in the room would look at her and Debbie suddenly felt like she was a pariah. No one wanted to get involved in another Social Services debacle and this had the smell of just such a case. She knew it from how the people seemed to suddenly stop lounging, how they became silent and all talk of kids, work ceased. The anchor had gotten their attention at last and she wondered if her whole plan of action was just a lesson in futility?
The report began with a full screen picture of a smiling young boy and was then followed by the scene of Myron ushering the Rabbi and the two older boys into Victoria General Hospital. The reporter’s voice was filled with sarcasm as it described the confrontation, snippets of the interview only showing up as Gordie Askew made his case. Debbie had to admit the guy was good, the way he could feign sorrow and then surprise even as he spoke at how the Rabbi refused to let him interview Robbie, how the Rabbi had already retained a lawyer when there hadn’t even been a cause of death determined which begged the question, ‘what was the Rabbi hiding and just what did he know that no one else knew?’ was the theme.
The report by Jake Mathews was even worse in that it explained how both Fisher boys were considered young Romeo’s at least until Robbie met Joshua Goldberg, a Jewish transfer student from Toronto. There was talk about how their school records only showed minor altercations for both boys and that both of them, Robbie and Justin, were considered close until recently, and both were in prime health, in excellent shape and Jake had gone on to make his own case. He spoke about how a highly respected expert had been ‘ham strung’ by the interference of the Rabbi in his treatment of young Robbie, and the warning that the sorrow the Fisher family was now facing was possibly only a beginning.
If you listened to the report, you got a sense that Robbie Fisher was a walking time bomb, that he had been sprung ruthlessly from the loving care of qualified people to satisfy some hidden religious agenda. It made her hair stand on edge as she listened to the carefully couched phrases that she knew were from that pompous ass Macgregor, but Mathews was as good as Askew was in hiding the truth, or at least in obscuring it. She felt angry and knew that as much as she would like to take both Mathews and Askew on, she so far hadn’t seen enough that would give the Judge grounds, at least not given the current climate.
The report lasted just over 8 minutes in length, which was highly unusual for any local story never mind a sports piece, but as they wrapped up the report, Debbie knew that this was just an opening salvo. The way that pompous prick Askew spoke, how he vowed to get to the bottom of whatever it was that the Rabbi in conjunction with Social Services were hiding made her want to puke. How dare he imply such a conspiracy when in fact she hadn’t even met the man yet, but she knew she’d have to remedy that shortly, but it only got worse as Mathews seemed to imply that there was also a Jewish connection at the school. He quoted the schools vice principle as claiming that there was widespread support for the Rabbi and she wondered how Ron Cohen could even say something like that. She had met him before and knew him to be a cautious type so it was rather odd that he would come out with such a statement but as Jake Mathews pointed out, it did raise issues.
She also wondered where were they getting their information? How did Jake Mathews know that she was already involved with both the Fisher’s? How did he know she had the school files long before Justin Fisher died and how did he know that normal procedure had turned the case to her because she was already listed as the case worker? There had to be a leak in her own department and she had no idea who.
Just prior to the summing up by the two reporters and the anchor, the report had flashed with a shot of Robbie Fisher’s hands, the white bandages clearly visible as his voice proclaimed he was gay and then it broke to the face of the Rabbi. It then showed Josh’s face and then the stunned look of another young boy, which Debbie thought had to be the Goldberg’s youngest boy. The final scene was the voice and face of Bobby Jaworski protesting that no way was Robbie or Justin fisher queer, and then it broke to the studio where speculation and innuendo became the order of the night.
Anchor “Such a terrible waste, and no word on what the cause of death was?”
Jake Mathews “No, the Doctor who attended has become suddenly unavailable for comment, but I can tell you that this story is stranger the more you get into it.”
Anchor “How’s that Jake?”
Jake “Well for starters, the same person called in the 911 calls for both Fisher boys, that being Joshua Goldberg, second the Rabbi himself was present at EMI hours after Robbie had been admitted for observation, and he and his whole family were present at RJH while they worked on Justin Fisher, and again he was with Robbie as they went to VGH, yet Robbie Fisher is not Jewish!”
Gordie “True, but he did admit, to the Rabbi’s annoyance too as you could see in that piece, that Robbie is involved with his oldest boy, the one who managed to call 911 in time to actually save Robbie’s life, but somehow was too late to save Justin’s young life. And given the animosity that could exist between Justin and Joshua, and also that Joshua’s own younger brother was attempting to make the basketball team, well it does seem all a bit mysterious.”
Anchor “I don’t follow Gordie, what does the younger Goldberg boy have to do with this?”
Gordie “Well my sources at the school say that young Joel Goldberg was trying out for the team, the one that Justin was considered a shoo in for. There could be a case made that perhaps Joel was jealous of Justin’s position, perhaps he argued with his older brother on whether to call 911 or not. It is only speculation but there is some concern as to what the two Goldbergs were doing for so long at the apartment before finding Justin.”
Anchor “What do their statements say?”
Gordie “Again we have a strange phenomenon, the police either forgot to take the statements or to have the boys file one, or they aren’t saying. My sources seem to indicate that there is something else happening, and my sources aren’t talking, so it is very perplexing, and makes you wonder if there is a lot more to the circumstances that led up to young Justin Fisher’s death.”
Anchor “So no statements?”
Gordie “My sources won’t confirm or deny that and that in itself is strange.”
Anchor “Is there an investigation into the death happening?”
Gordie “I don’t know, Social Services says its conducting a routine investigation, the police refuse to comment, hospital officials remain unavailable and school officials claim that Social Services has obtained records by court order, records they claim that Social Service already had, so again, no one is really talking, but we do know that at this very moment there is a high level conference going on between Social Service, Saanich Police and the RCMP. Maybe by tomorrow we’ll have a better idea of just what is going on, I think we owe it to Walter and Sharon Fisher, poor Justin’s parents, to try and find out.”
Anchor “Well you two keep on it, I am sure the Fisher family would like to know just what did happen to their son, and if anyone can dig up the truth, it’s you two; thanks Gordie, Jake. Of course we’ll keep following this mysterious end to such a bright and talented young man and bring you all the latest developments as they occur and now…”
The Judge clicked the remote as the anchor began to discuss the latest stock reports for the day. His face showed nothing as he stared briefly at the darkened screen and then he turned to face the people who were all rather quiet, as if lost in their own thoughts. His first order of business was to satisfy himself that some of the questions raised weren’t true. His eyes narrowed as he zeroed in on the RCMP officer and Debbie Winston.
Judge “I suppose this is the so called high level meeting they are talking about?”
Debbie “I would assume so your Honour.”
Judge “How did they know about this gathering?”
She wasn’t sure just how she was feeling about the whole interview. It definitely was being slanted in an effort to show some sort of conspiracy, as if there were a deliberate attempt being made to hide the cause of death and what led up to it. Funny, she had thought that too but her suspicions had fallen on the family and school, so why was the news so intent on claiming it was her department? Debbie also felt uneasy about how the two reporters seemed to know so much about what she was doing, or at least attempting to do. Just who or how were they getting their information?
Debbie “I don’t know, there were some who knew in my office…”
Judge Green had been on the bench far too long not to smell a set up. The problem for him was that it was becoming harder to dispense justice in cases that needed justice not law. He knew there were leaks in Social Services but also in his very own judiciary there were those who thought it all part of doing business to leak information to the press. He never could understand what motivated most of these ‘informants’ but it made the job much more difficult when every move was second guessed, was held under a microscope to see if it were legal.
There had been a few of his fellow justices who had paid the price for trying to do the right thing, and one or two who had their own agendas as well, but they weren’t all that numerous. It was the ones who wanted to make a difference, who wanted to see that Justice was done that suffered the most and he wasn’t about to throw his career into the fire simply because of some Social Worker’s hunches, even though he had to admit, there just wasn’t something right here.
Judge “Why were you assigned this case Ms Winston?”
Debbie “I had been assigned the case for Robbie Fisher, the name became flagged and the on call duty officer simply had me assigned to the Justin Fisher case because I was already involved.”
Judge “Why did you have Justin Fisher flagged?”
Debbie “Routine, when an older brother tries what Robbie had and there is a younger sibling, initially you look at the whole family, for potential risks, causes, nothing out of the ordinary in it.”
Judge “Constable, how about you? Why are you here?”
Constable “We were asked to provide help in a new investigation ordered by the AG, just routine really.”
Judge “Not perhaps a little bit out of wanting to get even with CH for it’s handling of an earlier case involving the Nanaimo division?”
Constable “I won’t say that that didn’t cross our minds your Honour, at best it may have simply, shall we say, speeded up our response to the request by Social Services to be present?”
Judge “I see, has anyone talked to this Doctor who handled both Robbie Fisher and Justin Fisher at RJH? It seems rather odd that the same doctor handled both cases, not to mention the coincidence of the same party calling 911, is there a statement from the boys Detective?”
Debbie “I can answer that, regarding that your honour, there is a preliminary statement taken at the scene, from both boys, as well as that I have interviewed the on call Doctor as well as the head at EMI.”
He had run into Debbie Winston a few times and he was a bit puzzled by her involvement in this case. So far it was skirting on the edges of the rules, something Ms. Winston was not known for and yet if anything, it seemed to make him less nervous than had it been any other Social worker involved. Perhaps this case was just one of those that stuck with a person or reached a spot within a person that made you go that extra step. There certainly was nothing routine about how Ms. Winston got the case, least not from what he could see but her explanation would stand up, and maybe that was what mattered most at this juncture?
Judge “Okay, so as to the doctor handling both cases, what does your initial report show?”
Debbie “Nothing out of the normal your honour, he works 4 on and 4 off, simply coincidence that the two boys fell into need of his care during those 4 days, no shift arranging or alterations were shown.”
Judge “And the police report?”
Debbie “It was the apartment that Robbie Fisher shared with Joshua Goldberg, it was why the Goldbergs were there, to get some clothes and personal effects for Robbie Fisher in anticipation of his release from EMI the following day.”
Judge “Mr Schecter, why are you here? You are counsel for who, the Fisher boy or the Goldbergs?”
Myron was a bit startled to hear his name and his face turned into what his mother used to call his ‘lawyer face’ which hid the racing thoughts or so he hoped from anyone who was looking at him. There was something nagging at the back of his mind too, which he couldn’t shake and he knew that he had to walk a fine line here. He really didn’t know why Debbie had invited him actually and he had to admit, all he had been concerned about was that he would get a chance to see her earlier than he had hoped for. He was also a bit surprised that Judge Green knew his name, he hadn’t appeared before him more than three or four times.
Myron “For Robbie Fisher your honour, I am here at the request of Social Services, perhaps to offer first hand knowledge of the interview we saw at VGH.”
Judge “Just what were you all doing at VGH anyhow?”
Myron “I had a scheduled appointment to meet with my client, I was informed he would be unable to meet that appointment as he was on his way to VGH because his grandfather had collapsed on hearing the news of Justin Fisher’s death.”
Constable “Christ, talk about a hard luck family, the grandfather too?”
Myron “No, it was simply a panic attack; but they are keeping him overnight just in case it was more than that, but he seems okay.”
Detective “Well that’s a break at least.”
Margaret Sinclair wasn’t exactly sure why Sy had insisted she attend this meeting nor why he himself wasn’t here but after seeing the telecast she had a hunch that Sy didn’t show up because it would definitely make this a high level discussion, and it would only add the appearance that the station’s contention of a potential cover up was real. Her own position was in question though, Sy knew she wasn’t exactly one of those who supported the gay rights movement. For her money she thought it was simply a bunch of confused people who were into weird sex, sort of like some of the so called normal people who liked to be tied up and have things done to them. For her money, sex was something decent folks just didn’t discuss openly, and certainly not their personal quirky stuff.
Maybe that was why Sy had her assigned to this Fisher case? If she were the lead on it, it would be hard to claim the government was caving into or pandering to any gay rights group or special interest group. They were a vocal group that was for sure, and she knew the government had its hands full with the current debate over granting status to same sex couples. The whole fabric of the community was at stake; their very religious foundation even and yet she knew that eventually same sex marriages would be as commonplace as drinking on Sunday was.
Margaret Sinclair “Just how did Social Service know you were at that interview? I am sorry your Honour, it just seems rather strange that…”
Myron “I had called Ms. Winston to inform her of the interview, she informed me of this meeting and suggested I might wish to attend, as a courtesy to my client, Ms Sinclair.”
Judge “Your client is Robbie Fisher then? Not the Rabbi or his son?”
Myron “Yes, your honour.”
Judge “How did you become Mr. Fisher’s attorney councillor? As I understand it he was in EMI at the time of your being retained?”
Myron “I was asked to talk to him at which time he requested I handle his situation.”
Judge “That’s begging the question councillor, who asked you?”
He had heard the snickers during the telecast, and he knew that at least one or two present had a rather biased opinion of Jews. Funny, he never really had considered it much before but the second the Judge had started to question him he felt like there was a second set of standards being applied. Had he been a fellow Christian he doubted if the Judge would even be asking him these question. Strange, his mother used to tell him that there would be times when he’d know just what it meant to be a Jew in a non Jewish world, and as he thought about his answer, he suddenly knew what she had been alluding to.
Myron “Initially it was a fellow lawyer.”
Judge “Not the Rabbi?”
Myron “I did speak with the Rabbi afterwards, yes.”
Judge “I see, who is paying you councillor?”
The question was so unexpected and so blunt that it made him blink his eyes as he tried to think of the answer. Some lawyer or Jew he was, because if you believed the rap on lawyers and Jews it was the money first, the right or wrong of the case second, and yet this really was the first time he had really considered that question. Just how was he going to get paid? He knew the Rabbi certainly wasn’t flush with money and he doubted very much of the Jewish community itself would spring for the fees but then again, there just was something about this case that made him feel like, well like it was part of his obligation to handle.
He could feel the eyes boring in on him as he looked at the Judge. Even Debbie’s eyes seemed to be expecting something, what he couldn’t tell, but there were one or two who he was sure thought they knew the answer. Well, this was one time that their preconceived notions would be found to be wrong. Somehow, he knew this was going to become more than just holding a client’s hand while going through a tough time. This would be a defining case and he felt a bit frightened by that prospect, but the image of the Rabbi as he stood his ground with Gordie Askew gave him courage and he felt his body easing, the tension leaving for the moment.
Myron “Your honour, I don’t see the relevancy for this line of questions, my client is Robert James Fisher, no one else.”
Judge “Yes, however there has been an allegation that other parties are attempting to cover up something, so I need to know the details councillor, to make sure in my own mind and the courts that there isn’t any so called conspiracy happening here, so who is footing the bill?”
Myron “No one your honour, I am doing this pro bono.”
Judge “Oh? And I suppose you are also advising the Rabbi pro bono?”
Myron “No Sir, I have suggested he seek legal counsel but other than that, no Sir. I am not advising him in any other capacity, with or without remuneration.”
Judge “I see, and who have you recommended to him? Another colleague in your law firm?”
Myron “No sir, I feel that would still have the appearance of a conflict, I have recommended he see Trace Vickers instead.”
The Judge had to smile to himself as he listened to the young lawyer speak. There was no doubt that he was a sharp one and for his money, he didn’t put much stock into some of the old fashioned ideas that lawyers were all just a bunch of greedy blood suckers. Sure, many deserved that reputation but every now and then one came along to prove it wrong, and for whatever reason, he felt that Myron Schecter was one of those. He had the conflict situation well in hand too, including the passing off of the Rabbi to an outside colleague. He had to admit, that was indeed a smart move, one that might pay dividends if this ever developed into a court battle, which he felt it would, and just one more reason for him to be extremely cautious here.
Judge “I see, that does seem to be a prudent course of action councillor, so the interview as shown, is it accurate? Is it as stated by CH news, Mr. Schecter?”
Time to earn his money now, and yet how could he answer the question without compromising his own possible actions later on? Strange, up until this moment he never really thought that he would be taking this matter before a Judge, but after seeing the report, after seeing the way the people in this very room reacted, he knew that he would have to do something, if not for the sake of simply fairness in reporting at least to try and salvage some of Robbie Fisher’s dignity. He owed him that much, at least someone did.
Myron “It is and it isn’t your honour. It certainly wasn’t shown in its entirety, and some of the answers were only partial answers as well, the interview was definitely edited.”
Judge “I see, was the edited version substantially the same or in your opinion, as an observer to the actual interview, altered by the editing?”
Myron “I’d say that while the words may be accurate, the edited version does alter the appearance of the actual comments, in that I would say it was designed to elicit a different viewer response then what the unedited version would garner, so in my opinion yes sir, it does alter the substance of the words.”
Margaret Sinclair “Isn’t that going to intent rather than substance, Mr Schecter? I mean how can you know that the reaction to the interview would be different to what this edited version would elicit?”
That was it, he hadn’t been able to put his finger on it until Margaret broached the subject but that was it, the crowd. There had been scores of people out and around the entire front entrance to the hospital and yet in the entire telecast and all the clips of the interview snippets with the Rabbi and with Robbie Fisher, there wasn’t one scene in where people were shown watching. Sure there were people passing by, but the large number who were behind the cameraman during the interview or off to the side weren’t shown. Somehow they had edited that out and he knew why too, the expressions on their faces alone would make a sham of their arguments, would show that people weren’t so interested in Robbie sexuality or anything else.
Myron “By simply how you all reacted! Compared to the many people who watched the full interview at the Hospital, it is completely different. There was anger out there against the news crew, here there is suspicion of a conspiracy by the Rabbi and his boys. That is how I know there is an altering of the substance, councillor.”
Judge “You say there were other witnesses to this interview?”
Myron “Yes, your Honour.”
Judge “The scenes I saw didn’t show any audience.”
Myron “No sir just as it also claimed I had no comment, when in fact no one asked me for one, rather hard to say no comment when no question has been asked.”
Judge “True, well, Ms. Winston, Ms Sinclair, your thoughts?”
Margaret Sinclair “I don’t know your honour, there does seem to be a rather callous disregard for the truth on behalf of the station, however is that sufficient to claim that they have inside information that should be made available to the authorities?”
Judge “If they have information that suggests to them that there is a conspiracy, which their broadcast claims exists, surely that information is pertinent to any government investigation into the situation, isn’t it councillor?”
Margaret “Yes, your Honour, but they haven’t come out and said there was a conspiracy, simply that it is mysterious, that there are some peculiarities about the case. I don’t know if a jury would find cause here, your Honour.”
She had watched the way Myron had fielded the questions thrown at him and for some reason, she felt sort of proud, as if there were cause for her to have feelings on how he did or how he didn’t do. Funny, at one point she was angry with him for being late, at another wondering how he would react to the veiled racism shown by some, and she too thought about it as it became obvious to her that Margaret Sinclair just was being a stubborn cow, a stickler for the rules which made Debbie straighten up for a moment. A stickler for the rules was the moniker given to her, and now look at her? Well, in for a penny, in for a pound she thought as she joined the fray.
Debbie “I disagree your Honour. They have clearly slanted the interview to foster a certain reaction, to perhaps influence even a current investigation for their own ends or just to deflect attention away from some other course. Now if that is simply because they don’t like the Rabbi or maybe Jews in general, that is one thing, but if it is because they have some information that tells them that, that is another. Their report suggests they have much more information that is awaiting confirmation, confirmation they expect to bolster their claims of a cover up and conspiracy.”
Margaret “At best, Ms. Winston, it is that the Rabbi or Mr. Fisher may have a case of slander or libel; but I don’t really see how a story is slanted can be construed as having inside information.”
Debbie “By itself no, but they know there is a police report. The reporter Jake, Jake Mathews, asked me about it earlier. So they know there is one, yet in the aired report they question its existence. They speak of school reports your Honour. The reports I have don’t indicate any excess altercations as the news report does, and given the manipulation of the interview at VGH between their reporter and the Rabbi and Robbie Fisher, well why would they leave themselves open to a potential libel case unless they felt they could prove their claim?
There is also this your Honour, they have made similar claims, used false information to foster their own agenda, perhaps they have one in this case. We all know that gay rights in this province is becoming an issue. By deflecting the course of our investigation into that area, they may be trying to influence how people view gays in a biased manner. I think a good case could be made that this is not so much about what really happened, but at what CH would like to happen.
If they have no grounds, we need to know that so we can concentrate our resources in other directions. If they have pertinent information, then that too is vital your Honour. We need to know, either way, if only to rule out some of the possibilities.”
Strange, this wasn’t the Debbie Winston he was familiar with and yet to be honest, he rather liked this newer version. She wasn’t as cocky as she had been before and her points were well taken, not just because of their accuracy but because he could see that she actually believed in them. That in itself was a marked difference and he could see that even the sceptical Ms. Sinclair was impressed, as it seemed was Mr. Schecter, who could barely keep his eyes off Ms. Winston.
Judge “That is a point well made, Ms. Winston. Ms Sinclair, do you have anything else to offer?”
Margaret “No your Honour.”
Judge “Fine, I think then that there is sufficient grounds here to assume that perhaps the news department of CH News does have material pertaining to an on going investigation, that a request for such information has netted no answer. So I am granting the petition by Social Services to search for and obtain any documents relating to their ongoing investigation into the apparent suicide attempt of Robert James Fisher and the death of Justin Fisher. Anything else?”
Debbie “No, that covers it all your Honour.”
Judge “Constable, Detective, I am assuming you wish to serve this order now?”
Constable “Yes, your Honour.”
Detective “Yes Sir.”
Judge “Ms. Winston, will you be attending with the police?”
Debbie “Yes your Honour, if there is no objection?”
It was more than she had hoped for, to be able to not only get the order to seize the documents, but to have the opportunity to be there, to see that smug Jake Mathews and look him in the eye and smile as they take his notepads or whatever it was he used to write his sleaze in. God, this flirting with ignoring rules and guidelines felt so damn good! She could almost jump up into the air for the sheer hell of it, but she doubted if the Judge would appreciate it, understand it maybe but not appreciate it. Damn it felt good and as she waited for the Judge to okay her involvement, she heard Myron step forward, clearing his throat a little as he suddenly spoke up just as she knew the Judge was about to okay her going along.
Myron “Uh, excuse me, Your Honour. I know it’s not my place to speak but might I suggest that perhaps Ms. Sinclair attend rather than Ms. Winston?”
Judge “Oh? Why is that?”
Her face was flushed, she knew it but she didn’t care. Her eyes flashed with anger as she turned to stare at Myron, wanting to reach out with her bare hands to strangle him. How dare he interfere like this, what right did he have to rain on her parade? Christ, didn’t he know how much this meant to her? Didn’t he care for how it would make her feel?
Debbie “Yes, why?”
His heart ached at the heavy sarcasm that dripped from Debbie’s lips as she asked him the two words. He could feel the deep anger in her as he tried to maintain his calm. It wasn’t that he wanted to deny her any pleasures but his mind and his training screamed at him to stop her from going. She was passionate about this case, he knew that and he knew that she most likely could keep that under control but he also had this sinking feeling that this case was not a simple cut and dried case. He knew that there was something deep and dark and dangerous in the Fisher family, and so he knew that all care had to be taken so that they could triumph over whatever the evil was that rested hidden in the hearts of not just Robbie Fisher, but Tommy Fisher as well.
Myron “Well, if Ms. Winston attends with the police, it could lend itself to supporting the stations contention that there is a conspiracy between Social Services and the police. If Ms. Sinclair attends, the conspiracy argument is muted. Additionally in that Ms. Sinclair is acting on behalf of a higher investigation, it could deflect criticism and even perhaps force CH news to acknowledge the higher investigation rather than keep it buried.”
Judge “I am not sure, Mr. Schecter, of what you are implying?”
Myron “If the Crown attends your honour, it is going to have to be reported as to why. The Crown is here because of an on going investigation into media misuse, something CH news wouldn’t wish to report; but by her attending with the police in this matter, they will have to, as I am sure other media outlets will report it. If Ms. Winston attends, then it doesn’t get reported, plus as I said, it could add ammunition to their allegations of a conspiracy.”
He saw the flare of anger when the lawyer had interjected and now he saw how his words had suddenly chilled that anger in Debbie Winston. He also noted how the crown prosecutor, Margaret Sinclair, now looked at both him and the lawyer. She too it seemed suddenly realized why she was here, as did the others. It wasn’t just a matter of the Fisher’s but also was a matter about what was the truth, not what scored ratings.
Judge “Very good point, Ms. Winston, I think you should pass on attending and Ms. Sinclair, I think you could fill in nicely for Ms. Winston?”
Margaret “Yes, your Honour.”
Debbie “Well, as you wish your Honour.”
Judge “Fine, as we are done then I will wish you luck in your endeavours and shall head home, my dinner is waiting.”
The Judge signed the papers the clerk placed in front and everyone sort of milled around for a bit and then stood outside the door. Margaret Sinclair didn’t look exactly upset either, which Debbie had thought she might be, and as they talked a little she felt a bit easier in her mind. Margaret it seemed wanted to nail CH News as much as she did and her objections were simply playing devils advocate, or so she explained. Debbie wasn’t all too sure if that were true or if she were just making it up to ease the tension that had risen up between them. Whatever it was, she felt like she had been aced out of her fun and her brow narrowed as she stared over towards Myron.
He was the one who had kyboshed her plans and even though inside she felt kind of like he was right, it didn’t alter the fact that he had spoiled it for her. She really felt a sense of anger at CH news and yet she couldn’t explain it. It wasn’t just that she thought of the media as an opponent or anything, it went deeper than that and yet until now she really hadn’t been touched by it so much. Oh sure her department had been roasted many times over the last few years but then she had always explained it away as some do-gooder ignoring the rules that were there. Now here she was, doing exactly that and hating the media for exposing it, or was that it? Was there perhaps more to it and she saw a flashback to the scene outside of family court six years ago, when another suicide case had resulted in media fanfare.
Myron watched as Debbie spoke first to Margaret Sinclair and then to the RCMP constable and then Saanich detective. He knew she was simply avoiding him and he couldn’t explain why it bothered him so much. He had done what he had out of concern for her and what he felt she was trying to accomplish; surely she would see that or would she? Maybe he was all wrong about how she felt towards him, maybe his instincts were off on this one; but if so, why then did he feel so damn miserable without her? Why did his whole thinking revolve suddenly around this woman whom he really didn’t know?
He knew he wouldn’t get anywhere by sulking or waiting so he moved up closer and listened as Debbie gave the Saanich detective her cell number and pager number. She wanted to make sure she was called when all the material was gathered, and she also reminded him to secure all personal notes, everything from both reporters. Myron could tell that she felt his presence and he couldn’t explain why, but his whole body tingled, as he smelled her perfume, and the thoughts of her and him once more dominated his mind even though parts of it were on his client and the Rabbi. He also wondered if Trace Vickers would take on the Rabbi, and just who would pay that bill because one thing Trace was noted for other than his bulldog tenacity was his fees.
Myron “Guess you are mad at me, huh?”
He looked almost like a puppy dog that just got caught pooping on the carpet or something. His face was hung down and his eyes, God he looked so adorable and for a minute she wondered if she should just reach out and hug him or maybe scratch him behind the ears? God she was in a bizarre frame of mind as she looked at him, feeling the pull he had on her heart and knowing that she was having the same effect on his heart.
Debbie “I was, guess you are right though, it does make sense, but still.”
His heart stopped beating so wildly as she spoke and he knew that he hadn’t ruined it, that she still was willing to perhaps see him. Christ he didn’t realize just how important it was to him and he let out a small sigh of relief that he knew she had picked up on. What was it about her that had him in such knots? As much as he was interested in knowing what the police would find at CH news, it seemed that his heart, mind, and soul were far more interested in watching her eat or at least of waiting with her while the search went on.
Myron “You wish you could go, I know, but uh, maybe I can soothe your feelings a bit. How about dinner across the street at the Cherry Bank?”
Funny thing about the human mind, the way it could handle so many complex problems at once, like walking and talking and still keep the heart beating and the lungs breathing and yet when it came to being near him, she felt like her mind was nothing more than a blubbering mess of custard or something.
Debbie “I don’t know Myron, I mean…”
Myron “Look Debbie, I know you wanted to be in on this, but you have an obligation to your clients too, just as I do; and right now that is the same person, Robbie Fisher. They will be awhile gathering the documents, and you need to eat, right?”
Debbie “I suppose, just that…”
Myron “I know, its frustrating, but I swear, I want to nail those creeps as much as you do. I guess I should have tried to talk to you sooner, it is just, well, things happened so fast today. First the call to meet the Rabbi at VGH and then your call, then another call, it is like a roller coaster but please, I was just trying to think of you.”
It was exciting to feel his passion and to know that they were sharing the same ideals, the same desires, which was something, she really had never given much thought to. Here she was, almost 40 and what had she accomplished? She had managed to keep to a set of rules in her job that had cost her one client for sure, how many others eventually succumbed to the unfairness of life without her knowing? Now all of a sudden she was not only throwing away the rule book but there was someone who really seemed to care about her, who really wanted to be with her and so why was she so damn stubborn? Why couldn’t she just say yes and go for it like her heart wanted her too?
Debbie “I know Myron, it is all so strange for me. I mean this whole case has made me rather, well nuts I suppose, or, no that’s not right. Not nuts but maybe its woken me up to some things that, well…”
Myron “I think I know what you mean, sort of like it’s energized you to reach beyond what you thought was possible.”
Debbie “Sort of, but its also made me look at things, stuff that I used to believe in just doesn’t seem to be so important now. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the case or maybe it’s my age, the job, I don’t know.”
Myron “Debbie please, let’s have dinner? I don’t know why but its all I could think about since this morning. It’s crazy really, we don’t really know each other and yet, well I feel like, well like I need to know you better. Please, can’t we have dinner, they have your cell and pager…”
Debbie “Really? I mean, you really want to know me better? You aren’t just saying that to…”
Myron “I mean it. I don’t know why exactly. I mean it is like being around you has changed me, its made me think of things that I wouldn’t think about on my own. Like there is something inside that was asleep and now wants to wake up but can’t on its own, but with you around, I feel like I could be someone, do things that I dreamed of but never had the courage to try on my own. I told you this morning, if you want I’ll pass this case on; I meant it, even with all that’s gone on today, that still holds true, so…”
Debbie “Let’s go eat, then we can wait at my place, it’s not far from here.”
He was feeling like he had just won the most important case before the Supreme Court and then his hand hit the hard black box that was tucked into his jacket pocket. Damn it, he knew he should tell her, but it would ruin his plans for a nice quiet dinner. His eyes stared longingly past her shoulder at the glittering sign of the hotel and restaurant that he had set his heart on going to. For a second he thought he could just not mention it but he knew that would only cause more grief than he was willing to pay. How could he expect her to trust him if he were too conniving as to be honest and up front with her? She would see through any explanation of why he held it back and for whatever else might happen, her opinion of him mattered.
Myron “Okay, oh, you have a VCR don’t you?”
Debbie “Yeah, why?”
Myron “This, it’s the reason I was late getting here and if it is what I think it is, you will need to see it.”
Debbie “I don’t understand…”
Myron “I think it’s the raw footage from this afternoon.”
Her mind was whirling away at unbelievable speed. So that was why he was late, but how did he get it? Okay, she knew he wasn’t positive what it was but he had to have his reasons for thinking it was that, didn’t he? She could just imagine, if what he had said in Court were true, the interview would have been something to watch, and now perhaps she could.
She looked at him knowing that it had cost him to bring it up at this point, he could very easily have kept it hidden till after dinner but the fact that he didn’t made her heart leap a little and her pulse race just a bit faster. He was falling for her, she could see it in his eyes and for what it was worth, her heart seemed to be telling her that she too was falling for him. Damn, how could she manage both? First to suddenly realize that in order to do the job she had once wished for, she would have to abandon her rigid adherence to the very rules that had guided her all these years; and now, her second desire to be the target of true love, to actually have someone to care for and be cared for by, was also dangling in front of her face, both at the same time and she didn’t know if she could manage one let alone both secret desires.
Debbie “I have meatloaf in the fridge, we can go to the Cherry Bank another time, this I want to see.”
Myron didn’t know why, but the way she had said ‘we’ had made him almost feel like there really would be a next time. He prayed hard that there would be a lot more ‘next times’ as he chuckled a little, knowing deep in his heart that he had made the right choice in telling her, and for some other strange reason, he also felt like one day they would indeed take the Rabbi up on his offer of dinner. Funny too how that just popped into his thoughts but then nothing was normal anymore, he knew he was falling in love with Debbie.
Myron “Haha, I knew I should have kept my mouth shut till after dinner but… hell Debbie I don’t want to keep anything from you. I can’t, well, I don’t know what is going to happen with Robbie or the Rabbi or CH news but damn it, I sure know what I want to happen with us. I am sorry, guess I am just being pushy, it’s a character fault for us Jews. Haha.”
Debbie “I am not sure what you have in mind Myron, but, well, you can be as pushy as you want as far as I am concerned.”
She looked him in the eyes and she felt the way her heart started to beat, the sweat forming on the palms of her hands and she saw his desire, something she almost missed as the strange feelings that were racing through her body were confusing to her. It had been a long time since any man had paid attention to her this way and she had to admit, it felt good too. Her face broke into a smile as she leaned up and gave him a quick kiss on the cheeks. It was the first real physical touch and she felt her knees shake a little and she knew that he too was feeling just exactly what she was.
Part 2
Saul Winestock was only 42 years old and he thought his life was pretty well complete. He had the woman he had always loved as his wife and she had given him a wonderful child in Reva, though a boy would have been nice too, but he was content. His life was just as he had wanted it to be. He was President of the shul not out of some sense of duty or obligation but because it made Hanna, his wife, happy. She enjoyed that sort of stuff and so what did it matter if he gave up a Sunday every six weeks or so for a board meeting? Besides, Sam Ginsberg was always willing to handle things for him and he knew that if possible, Sam would have preferred that he be President of the shul but most in the community didn’t seem to see it that way. Funny, Sam really was a nice guy, bit of a social climber actually but then between his wife and mother, it was a wonder the man was sane let alone able to be socialable.
Those two women of Sam’s were quite the pair. His wife, Joy, was some big shot in the real estate game and what could you say about Miriam? What a woman she was, the typical old world type who always had a comment or two if you asked, three or four if you didn’t ask for one. Poor Sam certainly had his hands full and each time he felt like being the President of the shul was a burden or was an unreasonable price to pay for his wife’s happiness, he just thought of Sam and Joy and Miriam. His mood would quickly change because Hanna was nothing like Joy. Hanna liked to be at home; she enjoyed cooking and the meals were always tasty, and so what if she wanted to have a little pride in him? What did it matter if she felt it helped her be more accepted within the community, if she were known as the wife of the temple’s president?
The calls had begun just shortly after 5pm just as he had walked in the door and it angered him at first, that people would bother a man as he was just getting home; but, after seeing the first teaser for himself, he felt a sickening churning in the pit of his stomach. His wife stood at his side, her hands twisting and turning as they waited, wondering just what was it that was about to happen and the calls continued to come, people asking if he knew what this was about, or to tell him to watch it.
Sam had already called twice and for whatever else Sam might be, he was still a damn good lawyer and when he said this could have legal ramifications, the accountant in him began to chalk up the costs. The shul wasn’t rich, and the constant upkeep on a heritage building was not exactly economical either. They were already running things close and he knew that many on the board were considering a dues hike which the Rabbi seemed opposed to. Well, if he got them into legal hot water like Sam seemed to think, he’d have to support the hike in dues then, but instead of it helping maintain the building, it would most likely go to lawyers.
Saul already had gotten an earful from Sam earlier on about how the Rabbi was acting about something that he couldn’t really divulge, which was Sam’s way of saying that he was saving it for the next board meeting or some other function where it would have more of an impact. He was a planner that Sam; but the way the news was looking, maybe this time he had a point. Funny though, he didn’t quite understand what all this talk about conspiracy and cover up was about, specially about some goy named Fisher? What would the Rabbi be doing counselling a goy?
As he watched the report unfold before him, he felt a strange eeriness grow inside of him, almost as if he could sense the danger that was suddenly all around him and his family. He grew angry; something that wasn’t normal for him and even Hanna and Reva could sense it as they too watched the report. Reva even pointed out Joel in the passing piece where the Rabbi appeared to be defending homosexuality, and Saul could barely contain himself. How dare the Rabbi put them in this position? How dare he take such a stand that had no basis or support and yet there he was, on the television news doing just that.
With the telecast ending, the phone began its non-stop ringing. He talked briefly with Sam telling him he’d call him later in the evening, that right now he wanted to just calm down but that yes, there would most definitely be a meeting called. He’d let Sam know when, and then he told Hanna to answer the phone while he went to his study to cool off. He couldn’t believe it, that the Rabbi had not only put the whole community on the line but for some illicit affair by one of his boys?
As much as he tried to find an excuse for the Rabbi’s actions he couldn’t, but what was worse that suddenly his normal peaceful life was being ripped to shreds as the phone continued to ring and it only became worse. Hanna had already interrupted him a half dozen times as reporters were also calling, wanting comment from the President of the local community on the Rabbi and on the newscast. His anger didn’t dissipate, as not one call came from the Rabbi, who should have at least called him, have at least the decency to have warned him about what was about to descent on his shoulders; but he hadn’t. His anger only grew and he finally picked up his phone, dialled Sam’s number and got through and told Sam to arrange an emergency meeting of the board for tomorrow night. That done he started to pick up the phone to call the Rabbi and then placed the phone back in its cradle. He’d let Sam call him tomorrow, right now he really didn’t care to talk to the man who had just shattered his peaceful existence.
Part 3
Sam was livid as he watched the telecast and it wasn’t just at the Rabbi either. He couldn’t believe Saul Winestock and how wishy washy he was being about this. They should be calling an emergency meeting now, not waiting for the morning reviews. This was a disaster and he knew it was only going to get worse. The Rabbi had no business sticking his nose into this business. But then now he did sort of understand why, the Rabbi’s own son was queer or so it seemed from the report. That certainly explained a few things to him and it only made him angrier as he fielded several calls from concerned members of the congregation.
As the evening wore on he began to feel like this was his chance to seize the elusive goal of becoming the President for the shul. It would need strong leadership to erase the stain that the Rabbi was putting on the whole community by his actions. Saul Winestock certainly wasn’t the man for that job and he knew his own mother would heartily approve though he wondered a little at her silence. Surely she should have called at least a half dozen times by now, to egg him on and to offer her usual unwanted pearls of wisdom. She was something but she had his interests at heart and he knew that it would look good if he were the local community leader. Sure he had many credits already to his name but this would be a clincher.
The calls continued and he formulated his own plans in between calls. He had already sent out an email notice to the board members, and had arranged for the meeting to take place at the community centre rather than at the Shul. He knew that they’d have a fight from the Rabbi and no sense in giving him home field advantage; besides, at the centre it would also add a better sense of community. He even toyed with bringing in some of the other splinter groups but decided to hold off on that until after the board meeting.
He wasn’t sure what they could do really except perhaps issue a statement of some sort, what exactly he wasn’t sure of just yet but he knew it would come to him. His wife had surprisingly also remained cool and was actually suggesting that perhaps the sisterhood hold a meeting right after the board. It was a good suggestion because if the women folk supported the board, then those on the fringe, those who might tend to be less angry would think twice about supporting the Rabbi and this craziness of his. Sam still couldn’t believe how arrogant the man had been, and the way he had looked on television. It was certainly going to set the entire Jewish community back a few years before their Christian brothers could get past this issue. The Rabbi may be a good sermon maker but he certainly wasn’t a good politician or even a good representative for the community with their Christian brethren.
All the work that had gone on in the past so that the Jews in the community could be accepted was at risk, or so he thought as he finally made the last call, the one to inform the Rabbi that a special meeting of the board was called. In some respects he dreaded making the call. The man was rather stubborn, the stereotypical type that most associated with being a characteristic of Jews, something he and his fellow board members had striven to erase. Now it was all once more thrown down the drain, all because the Rabbi’s son couldn’t keep his pecker in his pants and his crazy lifestyle back East, where it didn’t really matter. He knew they should have chosen a different Rabbi when they had the chance, but good old Saul had caved in once more to the more liberal members. Well let them try to soft pedal this one! They would find that the more conservative members were 100% behind him now, and he knew too that Saul’s time as President was running out. This was exactly what he needed to gain his final goal, and as he sat back waiting for the Rabbi to answer, he once more wondered where his mother was, why she had yet to wade in as she normally did.
Part 4
He sat on the ground, the ball resting between his legs and he stared up at the hoop and watched the net sway a little in the evening’s breeze that blew in from the ocean. Strange, but it didn’t seem to comfort him very much as he felt its coolness on his cheeks and he knew that he was acting like a spoiled brat but he couldn’t help it. To see himself on the news like that, to see his father humiliated by that asshole Askew was bad enough, but to see his brother, his own brother, standing by another guy telling the entire fucking city that he was queer, that just was too much to accept. It was hard enough to buy all that gay stuff in the privacy of his own family and, okay, Robbie wasn’t what he had expected either, still to go on television and tell everyone?
It was one thing to know about it, to even maybe just guess at it or even figure it out but to actually go and tell everyone was like, shit like some stupid death wish or something. How the fuck could his parents be so calm about all this was another puzzle to him. They had all sat in front of the television, listening to the sarcastic comments and the way they had implied that he and Josh had deliberately held back from helping Justin, that really irked him and all because he played basketball? Man were they sick and yet his parents hadn’t flinched, his father had just shook his head as he watched and even his mother had stayed quiet.
Okay maybe a few of her Yiddish sayings had escaped but for her, that was pretty mild stuff and it pissed him off too. They should be calling that lawyer guy at least, instead they simply watched the newscast and even as the phone calls started it didn’t seem to affect them one bit. His father just spoke softly refusing to answer questions, saying that he had watched it and that it wasn’t all that had happened but that for now, it would all have to wait because the family was sitting Shiva[1. period of mourning for a departed family member] for the passing of Justin.
His father was being unreasonable if he really expected that would calm people down. Besides, Justin wasn’t family, he was Robbie’s brother sure, but Robbie wasn’t family, as much as they might try to give that impression. How the hell could a queer be family? It was too confusing for him as he sat there, watching as Josh kept his hand in Robbie’s hand and to see that, to see them actually holding hands was almost as bad as the way his mind kept replaying Robbie’s open admission that he loved Josh. Maybe he thought it would make up for all the crap he had caused but he was wrong; it only made it worse, but his family seemed to accept it, even Josh seemed like he didn’t understand just what they had done this afternoon.
Through the whole newscast he kept watching, hoping that somehow it was just a bad dream that would go away but as it went on and on, he knew that not only were his parents going to pay for Josh’s choice of lifestyle, but so too would he, and he felt the resentment through the whole telecast. His eyes burned with anger and yet each time that he stared at Josh he felt guilty for some reason, as if it were wrong to be so angry. He couldn’t put it to rest either and the more he stared at Josh and Robbie holding hands, the angrier he felt but just as the anger kept rising so too did the doubts and the guilt. He knew he was being selfish, that what his father had said was maybe right, that sometimes you just had to stop running, but why couldn’t they have waited till after basketball? Why now, when things were finally just starting to go well for him? Wasn’t it hard enough to have moved to this damn city in mid term and now, just when he was finally being accepted he was thrust as the fag’s brother. Worse though was that his chances for being on the team just became slim to none as he knew that many on the team would not believe him, would not accept him as one of them simply because of what that fucking reporter had implied.
He still didn’t know why they couldn’t sue the station or at least that asshole Askew or Mathews, but his father refused to discuss it even. All he would say was that he wouldn’t desecrate the memory of one so young by talking about lawyers and lawsuits, not yet, that it just wasn’t time for that but when would it be the time? Would it be when he was tossed from the team, would it be time then? Maybe it would be time when he got kicked out of school for fighting because he knew there would be fights, he knew Bobby and he sure as hell knew Neil too. They wouldn’t just make comments, and he felt the anger growing as he stared at the orange basketball, wishing he had never heard of Justin Fisher or of Robbie Fisher either. He wished he were back in TO where at least he wouldn’t have to fight to just get through the school day.
Everything about the evening had been bizarre to him and part of him was pissed because no one really seemed to understand what had just happened. His brother and lover had outed themselves, had gone on television and told everyone that what they might have suspected was true. Maybe that was okay for them, they didn’t have to go to school each day for a whole friggin year, he did and no one seemed to understand just what that admission meant to him. It was just like he didn’t count and while he knew that really wasn’t true, the anger seemed to make him think it and just as he knew that he really did love his brother, right now he didn’t think he could stand to be in the same house as him, let alone the same room. He wouldn’t even dare think of how he felt about Robbie at this moment, because whatever it was about Josh, somehow in all this he felt that Robbie was at fault, that Robbie didn’t have to influence Josh the way he had, but then he knew that it wasn’t that way.
Deep in his heart he knew that Robbie hadn’t made Josh queer. Hell, he knew from Josh the truth, that Josh had been that way even back in TO and that it was also why he hadn’t come with them to Victoria last year. Still in his anger he felt that it was Robbie’s fault, it was someone close that he could direct his anger towards because if he didn’t, he might then give in to the strange feelings inside. It was just so confusing to him, to try and figure out why Josh was gay and then why Justin had to die, all of it coming right after each other, was too much for him. Maybe he could go back to TO? They did have family there, his aunt was there and she liked him, and with it being so early in the school year, well it would sure solve his problem.
Part 5
Robbie stood quietly by the corner of the house, staring at the young blond sitting on the grass. He could see the anger in the boy just by how he held himself, even sitting. The way he had left the dinner table was clear enough but it was the look in his eyes that had made him feel this way, had made him almost break down into tears. He could see the hate; hell, he could feel it each time that Joel had looked at him, and even as they had all watched the newscast, he had felt Joel’s eyes on his back, those piercing blue eyes that were the same as his brothers in colour but where Josh’s eyes held love for him, Joel’s held contempt, where Josh’s held compassion there was only hatred for him in Joel’s.
The pain in his heart was real, he could feel the pieces that were once a whole heart struggle to join together and for a brief moment earlier in the day it had almost seemed as if they might succeed but sitting with Josh, he felt the anger, felt the hatred and he felt like it was all for nothing. He couldn’t explain why it was even important to him, but he desperately needed Joel’s approval, his acceptance and he also knew in the pit of his stomach that he wouldn’t get it, that it would be denied to him and as he looked at the boy’s shoulders, he felt the pain in his wrists.
Tears rolled down his face as he knew how badly he had screwed up, how much pain he had caused to so many people and all because he couldn’t deal with the truth, couldn’t face a life that held so many secrets and so much pain. At least Justin had more courage and had tried, but what had he done? He had run, had hidden from it all because he lacked the courage to face the truth, to face that which haunted him. Sure he had talked a good game for Askew and maybe that too was wrong, maybe it wasn’t for Askew that he had talked the game, maybe it was for his own ego, his own need to try and be what he wasn’t, that he was still trying to prove to not just himself but to the Goldbergs that he was a man, someone worth knowing when in reality he really wasn’t worth knowing?
Robbie stared at the bandages around his wrists and for a moment he could feel the razor as it sliced into the flesh, feel the burning sensation that followed that first deep cut of the blade and he felt his body tremble as the memory of that cut came flooding back to him. The pain was searing as it ran through his body then and now too. Time hadn’t dulled that memory and the tears flowed unabated now as he struggled with all of the raging emotions that were within. He knew that he loved Josh but he also knew that he could never measure up to what Josh deserved in a partner, no matter how much the Rabbi said otherwise. He couldn’t measure up to his own expectation, so how in the hell could he equal Josh’s thoughts of what he was?
For a brief instant he wished that the cut had been deeper, that the blood had poured out faster so that when Josh had come to find him, it would have been too late, would have been over and as the tears dripped off his face he felt his body shaking in fear, knowing that the thoughts were wrong, that if what he was thinking had happened then he wouldn’t have been able to say goodbye to Justin, that he wouldn’t have held him for that last time nor would he have been able to hold Josh either. No, the thoughts were wrong, he was wrong and he knew that as much as Joel hated him, he couldn’t have stayed quiet any longer.
Robbie stepped forward, one small step forward, knowing that as he took that step his whole future lay just one more step ahead; and he saw the boy turn around, saw his accusing eyes glaring up at him but he took the step, he took that one extra step to come up closer to the boy that needed him right now, no matter how much he thought otherwise. He saw the darkness of Joel’s hatred as he came closer, his heart pounding like rolling thunder in his ears but he refused to turn and run, he refused to give in anymore to the dark fears that still resided deep in his soul and in his heart. There had been too much pain already but he couldn’t turn the clock back, he couldn’t undo what had been done. But he could try to ease the pain that Joel was feeling, he could try to help him understand and maybe, if he could do that, he could ease the horrible pain and grief that throbbed in his own heart.
Robbie “Hey.”
Joel “Hey.”
Robbie “Mind?”
Joel turned slightly to see Robbie pointing down at the ground next to him. For a second he felt like saying no but something held him back, something in the way Robbie looked at him made him stop from yelling at him, from telling him to just fuck off. So he just nodded, shrugging his shoulders as if he didn’t care if Robbie sat next to him or not.
Robbie “Guess you are pretty pissed at me right now. Can’t really blame you either, wish, fuck Joel I wish I could make it all make sense for you, but I can’t, about all I can do is…”
He could feel Robbie’s pain, almost as if it were something real that you could just reach out and touch and it made him scared. How could he feel something like that when it wasn’t real? Wasn’t something you could touch and yet he knew in his heart that if he put his hand out now, he could actually touch it.
Joel “Why? Why did you have to admit it to him? Why couldn’t you have just ignored him and gone inside? Why did you have to admit it?”
Funny, that was exactly the question he kept asking himself all the way into the hospital and all the way home too. Why had he done that? What purpose did it serve to admit to the likes of Gordie Askew that his guess was right, that he was indeed queer? Did it ease the pain in his own heart or did it help make amends to Josh for all the shit he had put him through? He doubted if outing himself and Josh was any easy way to make amends, but perhaps there was something to what the Rabbi had said. Perhaps it was simply that it was time to stop running, that perhaps all the grief that had happened, that Justin’s death was just the final straw, that running hadn’t solved anything and that maybe it just was time to stop, time to be who he was.
Robbie “I don’t know, it was the last thing I really wanted to do, but it was something your dad said. It was like, well like he was challenging me, if I wanted to, fuck, look, you know how sometimes when you are in a close game, the guy in front challenges you, he stands there with one hand in your face, the other on your shoulder? Daring you to push past?”
Joel “Yeah, sort of.”
Robbie “Well this was like that, you just know that if you can get past him, if you can just push through that, the basket is yours. Well it was like that, if I could just push past that reporter and his crap, then I could make it, that life would once more have meaning, not just for me, but for Josh too and maybe even for you.”
Joel “Yeah right, like you or Josh even thought about me. Fuck man, life was just starting to go my way, now all this, why couldn’t you have… shit… never mind.”
He could see it in his face, and if he needed any further proof, he could just hear it in the way he spoke the words. His wrists throbbed and for a moment he hesitated, looking down at the white bandages that were around the hands. The pain still fresh in his mind, he looked up, seeing the pain in Joel’s face too, knowing that when he had made that very fist cut with the razor that he had started all this that was now giving so much grief to people he hadn’t even known then. His lip trembled a little, as he knew that he had to face it, that the time for running had ended.
Robbie “Why didn’t I just do it right the first time?”
A lump seemed to just lodge itself in his throat for a minute or two and Joel struggled with the strange emotions that raced within his mind and body. He could feel the hard basketball pushing against his legs as he tried to answer, as he tried to come to terms with all that he was thinking. He didn’t really want Robbie dead, he saw the way Josh had looked at him when Robbie had lightly kissed him, how happy Josh seemed to look for that brief moment so how could he wish Robbie dead? Was he that selfish that he couldn’t see past his own problems? God, the guy had just lost his brother and had to face a jerk like Askew, why couldn’t he just tell him it was okay, why did he have to hurt him more? Was he really that sore or was it that he was that scared?
Joel “I didn’t mean it that way… well, maybe I did. Fuck Robbie, I don’t know what I mean. I don’t really hate you, least I don’t think I do and then this, this anger comes up and I wish that… yeah that you had done it right, does that make me evil? I mean…”
Robbie “You think I don’t think the same thing each time I look into your face right now? Or each time I stare at your brother and see how worried he is about you, about your folks? Fuck there are times when I wish I had cut deeper, had taken that razor and instead of just swiping it once, that I had kept at it till I passed out from all the blood. Then I think of Josh, of you too, and I thank God that I hadn’t done it that way. I think of how Justin looked at me just before… fuck, I am sorry.”
It was strangely eerie to see Robbie Fisher, the high school hero sitting next to him crying his eyes out. He could almost feel each sob as it tore into him and he felt ashamed because he had made him cry, his own selfish thoughts had done this and he struggled in holding back his own sobs, even though the tears welled up and threatened to overwhelm him.
Joel “Don’t, Christ, I didn’t mean it Robbie, I mean, I don’t want you dead, honest, it is …”
He couldn’t help himself really, the pain was so deep inside that the thoughts kept coming back to his mind and as much as he knew that he loved Josh, as much as he hoped to have a life with him, the thoughts kept coming back, kept pushing at his resolve. His body shook as he cried and he couldn’t stop. His eyes were clouded as he saw the young shaking hand reaching out for him, and he looked up to stare at Joel’s face, to see the fear and the pain all rolled up into one as Joel’s hand reached for his.
Joel didn’t know why but he couldn’t let Robbie think he hated him even though it was exactly how he had felt just moments earlier. It was almost as if something else were taking a hold of him, as if some other spirit was reaching for him to help ease the anger he felt and he stared as his own hand moved slowly, jerking a little until it came to Robbie’s own shaking hands. He saw his fingers reach out to brush against the arm and then slowly move down, to rest lightly on the white-bandaged part of the one hand. As the tips of his fingers felt the cloth his heart gave a sudden cry, his whole body started to tremble as he felt the sorrow and agony within Robbie’s very soul.
He lifted his face up from staring at his hand and looked into Robbie’s face. He saw it all then and his own body shook to the realization of the truth. His eyes fluttered as the agony of his heart reached his ears and he felt faint as the pain tore into him, reaching every part of his young body and as he began to cry he felt the strong arms reaching up for him and without thinking, without hesitation he fell forward to let his young body fall into the waiting open arms.
