Kyle

Tuesday December 23^rd

The falling snow was slowly piling up and he could hear the rest of the guys laughing as they all headed off into the darkness of the coming night. They had met at the park earlier to goof around and just enjoy a weekend off. School was winding down for the coming holidays and they were all talking about what they hoped they’d get for Christmas. The group of them had sat around a bit talking about things teenagers always talked about. Don was bragging about how he got to feel up Sherry’s boobs last night at the lookout and Russ had cracked them up when he asked if Don was sure it was Sherry’s boobs and not the air bag.

He laughed with the rest as Don chased Russ around threatening him with unspeakable bodily harm though they all knew that it was just a joke. He listened as Keith told them how Becky was insisting on him coming for dinner Christmas eve and how he was resisting, afraid of old man Withers and his famous cross examinations of young boys that dated his daughter. Johnny talked about how he had fled the Withers home when he had dated Becky for a week, afraid that old man Withers would frisk him and find the condom he kept in his back pocket.

It was when Kevin started to relate his own experiences with Becky that Kyle felt the lump in his throat and the sudden flush that seemed to always come to him whenever Kevin was around. He hated listening to Kevin talk about the girls he was dating and it had taken him a long time to realize that he had a crush on the guy.

At first it had terrified him and had made him quake with fear but he couldn’t shake how he felt. Kevin wasn’t exactly gorgeous, least not like the models in the magazine he had stashed up on his shelf in his closet. Kevin had a pudgy nose from being broken a few times and his chin was hard and there was this one dark hair that curled up around the corner of one side of his mouth. He had longish brown hair that curled inwards just under his ears but as much as Kyle hated to admit it, he found himself constantly fantasizing about being with Kevin.

He knew inside that nothing could ever come of his thoughts still it had passed a lot of time at night when the guys in the magazines couldn’t hold his attention. Funny how he could sometimes get off on flipping those pages but lately it kept turning to images of Kevin. He knew from the locker room that Kevin wasn’t exactly hung either and he had sneaked a few looks that assured him that his own dick was bigger than Kevin’s. Still he couldn’t help but think about him, about how he would feel if he could just let his fingers run across that piece of meat.

It was getting harder for him to control himself and he could feel the bulge growing in his jeans as he sat there listening to Kevin talk about his brief date with Becky. Kyle kept his eyes focused on Kevin as he watched his mouth move and the way his face seemed so animated as he described the way she liked to kiss. God to think of how it would be if it was his mouth on Kevin’s instead of Becky’s made him shift a little. No one noticed gratefully and he knew that he would have to watch himself, for fear of letting on that he was interested in something other than Kevin’s stories.

Sitting there he wished things would be different but he knew that there just wasn’t anything he could do about it. He felt the way he did no matter what he had tried to do to ignore it. He was gay or so he figured and he felt the pain that thought kept bringing to him. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to hide the feelings that kept coming to him or to try and get rid of them. He had dated girls and while he enjoyed going to the dances with them, enjoyed even talking with them he never could feel that physical desire that his friends always talked about. He never got a boner when slow dancing even when he had scored dating Crystal.

She was by far the most popular girl in school and he had managed to get a few dates with her. Funny how that had worked out but then again being the quarterback of the team hadn’t hurt his chances either. He was popular and had done okay. It wasn’t that they had won the state or anything but still for that brief time when it was football season he was top dog on campus and in town. Crystal had chased him and he realized now that it was because he was the popular boy of the time. Now she was dating Nate because he was captain of the basketball team and that was how it went.

He really hadn’t mind her breaking up with him either. It had gotten him a hug from Kevin which only made him realize how much more he preferred a guy than a girl. Oh he had tried to get fresh with Crystal, as his mother would call it, but she was much better at deflecting his half hearted sexual advances than he was in offering them. He wondered if he had tried harder if he would have gotten further but then he never really had wanted to get any further than he had. Besides he had to admit, the touch of her breast against his hand didn’t do much for him compared to the occasional slap on the back from Kevin did.

The snow had come then, slowly at first and then it began to just come down in huge flakes. They had raced around the park tossing snowballs at each other or whoever got in the way and in minutes they were all drenched from the wet snow that kept piling up on the ground. It felt good to be alive he thought as finally darkness had settled in and it became obvious that they would have to head home. He wished he could have stayed there but he knew too that his mother would throw a fit if he was late.

Walking home he felt a chill creep in but he chalked up to the wetness and cold air that swirled around him. Stomping his feet to get the snow off as he trudged home made him hesitate a bit. He couldn’t explain it but he felt sad and slightly hesitant. Maybe it was that tomorrow he would be 17 or maybe it was that Christmas was also tomorrow which meant presents but also meant a round of church functions. He didn’t mind Church too much except for the Priest. Pastor George was new to the town and something about him made Kyle squirm at times. He didn’t know what it was but he didn’t like the man but his mother thought he was the next coming or something. The way she seemed to beam when he spoke and how she always seemed so giddy after shaking hands with him after the services.

Even his father seemed to like the guy and most of the other people in church seemed to enjoy him. Church was a lot fuller on Sundays since he had come to town but Kyle wasn’t sure why he didn’t like him. Maybe it was the way he would rail against things every Sunday, telling everyone how the world was slowly going to the Devil and how it was their duty to fight the evil. It made sense in some ways but there was something more to it, something that nagged at him which only made him squirm more in Church. His mother had already reprimanded him a few times on it but he couldn’t help it, the guy made him jittery.

It could be because of his sermon against Gay’s that first Sunday last year when he had come to town. He felt like the man was always looking down at him when he had called them evil, had called them the demon seed of Satan himself. He didn’t know much about that except that it scared him. He knew he was having those thoughts and he was certain that somehow Pastor George knew and was directing his sermon at him. He never could shake that feeling each time he met the man.

Even shaking his hand after the service had made him break out in a cold sweat as if just touching the man’s hand would make him fry or something. He knew that it was dumb and that there was no way anyone in town could know about what he felt, still it was something that kept him awake some nights. More often lately too as he kept getting these feelings about Kevin.

Kyle knew it was dumb and even irrational, still it bugged him. He wished he would be attracted to someone other than Kevin too because Kevin was a pig about sex. He was always bragging about his dates and about how he loved to steal his father’s playboy or hustler magazines and jerk off to the pictures. Worse was how Kevin would always bring the latest issues to school and everyone would congregate around Kevin at lunch to glare at the centerfolds and make their lewd remarks. Everyone had to comment and he hated it when he would have to say something, though he had to admit Kevin rarely asked him too.

His mind was lost in thought as he opened his front door and he didn’t even realize how quiet the house seemed as he holler hello and took his wet boots off. As taught he hung his jacket up on the peg and stuffed his gloves into the side pocket and walked into the rest of the house, the silence finally intruding on his thoughts of Kevin and life.

With a strange sense of foreboding he walked into the living room to see his parents seated on the couch. He started to smile and ask what was up when he saw the look on their faces as he had come into the room. His mother’s face was stained with tears but more than that there was an angry look in her eyes that halted his progress into the room. He felt a chill run up his spine as he quickly looked over at his father to see his face ashen and his eyes red rimmed as if he too had been crying. For a second he thought that something had happened to Kerry but as his eyes moved around the room he knew that it was something much worse.

The room was immaculate as it always was but even the decorations that hung from the fireplace and around the room seemed suddenly very cold and forbidding as his eyes swept the room for some hint of what was wrong. It was then that his eyes fell onto the coffee table. His heart skipped a few beats as he saw the glossy coated covers of several magazines sprayed across the normally austere mahogany coffee table. They were his men magazines and he could see the one that only last night had brought him some comfort. The young looking model who had eyes that had sparkled and had intrigued him no end during the night and even had intruded on his dreams of Kevin was there now, staring up at him accusingly and he felt the lump in his throat as he looked to his parents. They had found them and he felt the panic rising up inside as he stared at them, the anger in his mother’s eyes slowly growing across her entire face as she suddenly spoke to him.

These are yours?

The words were said with such coldness that he felt the chill through his whole body as his face grew whiter and his breathing grew harder to control. His worst fears were suddenly there in front of him in the faces of his parents.

Yes but…

But? But nothing, how could you Kyle? How?

I… I mean I…

You know what this means don’t you?

She wasn’t even going to give him a chance to explain he thought. For a minute or two he thought she was going to stand up and slap him as he noticed how her hand kept clenching, her jaw growing even tighter as she struggled for control. It was a side of his mother that he never thought existed as he tried to look anywhere but at her or at his father. It was all too much and he felt the tears slowly beginning to trickle down his face as he listened to her harsh sounding voice echo in his ears.

Uh, I…

You are damned, you know that? Your life is not only ruined but your soul is damned forever, for what? For some cheap horrible evil perversion? How could you Kyle? Your father and I, didn’t you even think about us? What this would do to us?

He felt like a sledge hammer was attacking him. The way she seemed to actually be taking pleasure in his discomfort. He could see the light in her eyes as she spouted that religious mumbo jumbo. Didn’t she think he had thought about it? Didn’t she think he had spent countless hours wishing he didn’t feel this way? It wasn’t like he woke up one day feeling this way but he just couldn’t hide it anymore, at least not from himself.

The pain inside was tearing him apart but it was the fear that kept him standing, kept him from looking her squarely in the eyes. He just couldn’t bear to see her face, to see that disappointment that he knew was there. His father wasn’t any better as he shuffled his feet a little, feeling trapped in a mess he didn’t know how he even got into never mind get out of.

It isn’t what you think, I mean…

It isn’t? You have this filth in your room, this and other… other horrible things, how could you Kyle? We taught you better than this, how could you?

Mom it …

Don’t call me Mom…

It was like a knife had suddenly been thrust into his heart. He felt the pain race thru his whole body as she spat the words out at him. In that instant he felt like he was alone, as if his whole world had suddenly been extinguished in some giant fireball. The pain was almost too much as the tears now streamed down his face, his mind unable to stop them or to halt the sudden trembling of his body.

Constance, please, you are upset, we both are, at least let the boy speak.

How can you be so calm Howard? Doesn’t this… this evil scare you? I know it scares me, I can’t believe it, Kyle, why? Where did you…

Constance it scares me too but maybe he has an explanation, let him speak.

Fine, you heard your father Kyle, well? These are yours, aren’t they?

Yes, but it isn’t… I mean…

What? You going to tell us that you were just experimenting? Is that it? You bring this filth into our home, leave it lying around where even your younger brother could find it? What Kyle? What were you thinking?

It wasn’t fair, the way she was accusing him of doing something that he knew inside wasn’t what she thought. It couldn’t be evil like she said and he would never do anything to hurt his younger brother. How could she think that after all these years? He had always looked after Kerry and yet now she thought he would hurt him? It was like something had poisoned her mind and he could feel the indignation inside of him building as he tried to explain, tried to make her understand that his feelings weren’t a choice, that it was something more than that.

It wasn’t just lying around, I had it hidden so Kerry couldn’t find it.

And that makes it alright? Kyle what are you doing with this filth? Tell me…

It isn’t that Mom… I don’t know… it is just that…

You are one of them? My God you are, I can see it in your face! How can you… you play football, you never played with dolls as a kid, you were always interested in sports and cars, how can you now just be… be that way?

Being interested in sports and stuff has nothing to do with… I mean… that isn’t fair, it isn’t like…

Who made you this way? Where did you get this from?

The city, but…

Where in the city? I want to know what place sold a child this filth, where did you get this evil filth so I can call the police.

The police?

They should be closed up, selling such filth to children.

It was all happening too fast. He didn’t know which way to turn or what to say even. The idea of the police was almost too frightening as he thought about the local Sheriff coming to question him. God it would be all over school in seconds and then what? His whole life was changing and he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to talk to them, he wished he could but the way she looked was making him feel more frightened than anything. He had no idea what to do but the idea that he was some horrible monster seemed wrong to him.

I am not a child mom, I am 17

Not yet you aren’t, you are still 16 and you are too young for this this vile stuff. How dare you bring it into our home!

It’s my home too

No, it is your father’s and my home, we pay the bills, not you.

Constance…

Howard please, how can you just sit there? Doesn’t this mean anything to you, that our oldest boy is turning into some pervert?

Of course it does, but we won’t get anywhere yelling.

He has to be made to understand how wrong this is Howard, my God what will people say when they find out?

I don’t know…

He didn’t know what they were going to do but the thought of the police, the mere idea that others would know about him scared him. He felt the sweat beading up on his forehead adding to the trickle of water down his face. He felt like he could hardly breathe and yet he couldn’t let them tell anyone, he couldn’t let them spread his secret to anyone else. It would mean the end of his friendships and even though he was frightened by her look and her words, he still didn’t think she could do that to him. His father was trying but it was like she was possessed or something worse. God why did she have to find the magazines? Couldn’t she have left it alone?

You can’t tell them, please Mom, you can’t….

I can’t? Do you think they won’t find out? How long, how long have you been… been buying this evil stuff?

Not long…

How long?

I dunno, year I guess…

A year? My God do you hear that Howard? He’s been this way for a year? How did we miss this? A year?

I tried, honest it is just that… I didn’t want to, it is…

Then you didn’t try hard enough, how could you Kyle? You were brought up right, we taught you how to behave, to follow God’s way, how could you let yourself be led down this evil path? Who is it Kyle, who has turned you from being the sweet boy we brought into the world, my God I carried you in my body for nine months, I went through 8 hours of labor to bring you into this world, how could you do this to me?

It isn’t like I wanted to… honest you have to believe me, it is just that, that it is how.. I mean… I have tried.

Not hard enough son, don’t you realize how wrong this is?

For a minute or less he looked at his father’s face. The man was staring at him with something that looked like pity or something like that. At least the hate wasn’t so visible in his father’s face as it was in his mother’s. God what he had done so wrong? Okay so he had looked at magazines, so he had these thoughts about guys which they couldn’t know about, but it was how he felt, how could that be so wrong? Still, he knew he couldn’t convince them otherwise but then how could he? He wasn’t so sure himself and if it was okay, why was he so afraid of telling people?

Yes… I guess.

You guess? You don’t know?

No, I don’t, I am sorry, but I have tried. Honest… I have…

How, how have you tried, there are… there are all these magazines, books even, how could you even think about this this stuff and not be sick to your stomach?

It isn’t like that, I wish it was… God I wish it…

DON’T YOU SAY GOD! You have no right to speak his name, not after this…

Constance…

NO! He has turned his back on God, how dare he!

She was wrong, she had to be he thought. He hadn’t turned his back on God or anything, it was how he felt and didn’t that Priest say that our feelings were from God? Didn’t the Church tell them to trust in their heart? He was only doing that, and if it was wrong then why did he have those feelings?

I can’t help how I fell, please mom, I tried, dad, you have to believe me…

Son you can’t expect us to just, …this is wrong son. Why didn’t you come to us?

Why? I dunno, I guess I should have but…

Talk to us? He knows it is wrong Howard, he knows, look at him standing there shaking, he knows it but even now he won’t admit it.

Why is it wrong he thought? Maybe she is right, maybe I don’t believe what she says about it. I know how I feel, I know that it makes me feel ashamed but is it because of how I feel or is it because of how others will feel? I don’t get it but she is right, deep down I don’t know, I don’t know but is it because I am wrong? How can I be wrong about how I feel, I feel what I feel so maybe she isn’t right? Maybe I won’t admit it because there is nothing to admit to?

I don’t… mom how can it be so wrong? I know you say….

I don’t say it is wrong, God says it Kyle, GOD, you know the man who created you? He is the one who says it is wrong.

But he doesn’t… I mean not…

God created you and you do this? You who have taken so much from him and this is how you repay him?

Mom…

No, no you are not 10 years old Kyle, you are almost a man, you are 16 and know better. How could you?

It isn’t like I want to be this way, I tried…

Stop lying, you couldn’t have tried, you shouldn’t even have to try, you know it is wrong, you know that!

Why can’t she see that isn’t right? I am not lying, I don’t lie to her, all this time I have always told the truth and I don’t know that this is wrong, that is it Mom, I don’t know and yet you are shrieking at me like I do. I am not lying, God why won’t she listen to me? I haven’t lied, except maybe to myself? I don’t think it is wrong but I am standing here acting like I am. How can it be so complicated, so wrong to feel one way simply because someone like her doesn’t understand it? How can anyone who doesn’t feel this way understand? Why God? Why is this so wrong?

NO! I don’t know that, I only know it is how I feel, I tried, honest. You have to believe me Dad, I tried, I did everything I could but I couldn’t stop the feelings, they won’t stop, it is… it just won’t…

Son, you need help, maybe we can find someone who can help you understand these feelings so they won’t affect you, but they are wrong… man isn’t meant to be with other men, it just doesn’t happen.

I know, or I thought I did, but dad I can’t help how I feel.

Pastor George can help, Howard we need to get Pastor George.

No, please mom, don’t… he’ll only make it worse, please…

I don’t know Constance, Pastor George is a bit… well…

No, he is God’s agent, he can help, he’ll know how to get rid of the demons that have taken our boy and turned him into… into this evil monster! We need Pastor George Howard, we can’t do this without his help, I swear it is a test from God, he is testing us & we have to answer it, we have a responsibility Howard, Pastor George can help us, don’t you see that?

His pulse was racing as he listened to her shrill voice. How could she think of him this way? It was still him, and okay, maybe he had wrong feelings but if they were so wrong why did he have them? Why didn’t they leave him when he had lain awake so many nights praying for them to leave? His heart was aching as he tried to figure it out and yet he knew deep down inside that his life had suddenly changed in a way that he still wasn’t sure about. All he could think about was that he couldn’t discuss this with Pastor George, that it would only make it worse and he couldn’t let that happen. If Kevin and the others found out his life would be hell, and he didn’t want that. Wasn’t it bad enough that his parents knew? Why did she have to insist on bringing that man into this?

Mom please… you can’t, I’ll stop, honest… I won’t think that way… please…

You need help, your soul is too important Kyle, we need Pastor George.

Your mother is right Kyle, I don’t think we can let this slide, you are in trouble and it is our duty to get you help, one day you’ll thank us.

Dad please, Pastor George… he’ll not understand… I mean… please, I promise, I’ll change, I won’t buy those anymore, I’ll not… please…

No, your mother is right. You need help and Pastor George is at least the best person here who can at least help us find you other help. This is too serious son, I am sorry, I have to agree with your mother on this.

No, you can’t, he’ll tell everyone… please…

You should have thought of that before you defied God, that is something you are going to have to live with, and so will we. My God Kyle, I never thought a son of mine could turn out so evil, we need to pray for your soul and to try and help you, Pastor George is the only person who can help, you… God Howard I can’t even speak, look at him, look at your son Howard and see how he has changed? He isn’t even ashamed, look at him Howard!

Constance, you are only working yourself up, he knows how serious this is, don’t you Kyle?

Yes but it isn’t, I mean, Dad please, you have to let me explain…

Explain? There is nothing to explain, you have sinned, you are a sinner Kyle Martin Hennessey, a sinner doomed to eternal damnation unless we can save your soul!

That isn’t fair… I didn’t mean to, I mean…

Don’t you talk to me about what is fair, it isn’t fair that you bring this evil into our home, that you have turned from God towards the Devil, That is what isn’t fair, and what about your brother? Have you shared this evil with him? Have you?

No, of course not, he’s only 13, I wouldn’t…

You haven’t… you haven’t done anything to him? Howard, what if…

Constance control yourself, of course Kyle hasn’t, right Kyle?

He stood there, silent for a second as he tried to understand their fear, tried to comprehend what it was that had turned his own parents against him like this. How could they even think he would hurt Kerry? It didn’t make sense, they knew how much he loved his own brother and loved them too. How could they turn on him this way? Weren’t they supposed to care for him no matter what? Wasn’t that also part of God’s will, that parents care and look after their children? How could she even think he could do something to hurt Kerry? Didn’t she know him? Didn’t his father know him? It was like looking at strangers as he stood there, feeling the emptiness inside growing as he tried to make them understand, as he tried to save himself from the pain that would follow if they called Pastor George.

NO! I would never… how could you….

How? It is what your kind do, you try to subvert the youngest, just like you were subverted, that is how… My God we have been good Christians, how could God let this happen Howard? You have to call Pastor George Howard…

Mom, Dad please… I’d never hurt Kerry, you have to believe me… I couldn’t…

Son you better go to your room, we’ll call you when Pastor George gets here.

No, no please… don’t… you can’t, I promise…

Go to your room, you need to reflect on your sins, pray for forgiveness and pray that we can save you, now go…

Don’t, please… don’t…

GO! Go or leave this house you… you… you faggot!

Constance!

GO! Leave our home if you can’t accept our wishes, we don’t want your evil to spread… I won’t provide a home to a spawn of Satan… Go!

He stared at his mother, seeing the way her chest heaved with the pain and exertion and he felt the fear inside as well as the cutting pain. It was like his heart was suddenly being torn into shreds as she had shrieked at him. He watched as his father reached out to gather her into his body. The pain in his father’s face was almost too much for him as he saw the way the eyes stared out at him. He felt so dirty, so bad that he couldn’t hear them anymore. The pain was shrieking in his ears as he turned from them and headed out. He stood for a second or two with his back to them, feeling their disgust at him and he looked to the right, down the hallway towards his bedroom.

His feet felt like they were encased in cement as he looked down the hall towards his bedroom and then he noticed the door to his brother’s room was opened a crack. Kyle felt the pounding of his heart as he looked closer. There in the midst of the crack was a pair of eyes staring out at him and he felt the same disgust coming from there as he did from the living room where his parents were. Kyle turned away and picked up his heavy ski jacket off the peg next to his wet jacket. He pulled his still wet boots on and opened the door. His head turned once more to stare down the hallway and he saw his younger brother now standing in the hall. His eyes met his and for a moment they connected but as soon as they did, he felt nothing but hatred reaching for him. Tears sprang to his face once more as he walked out the door and let it close softly as he headed down the steps out into the swirling snow that no longer felt fresh or promising. It just felt cold and lonely as he walked away from his home.

…

The snow hadn’t slowed down as he had left home and walked around town aimlessly for an hour or two. He didn’t know what he was going to do but he knew he couldn’t go back there. Kyle was certain that as soon as he had left his parents would have called Pastor George. He just didn’t know what to do as he walked through town, seeing people he knew nod to him or even stop and say hello and in his guts he knew that soon that would all change. Soon they would all know he was gay and then they wouldn’t nod to him or speak to him. He knew his friends would tease him at best, at worse he didn’t even want to think about.

Kyle sat down on a bench just across from the old Church building. He had no idea how he had gotten here but he was tired and feeling confused. He knew that the feelings he felt for men wasn’t a choice. It was how he felt and he couldn’t seem to help that, yet so many told him the opposite. He still couldn’t understand either why his parents could think he would do something to Kerry. God did they really think he’d so something to Kerry? He wasn’t a rapist, or a pervert, at least he didn’t think he was, but what if they were right?

He felt scared as he sat there trying to think, trying to figure out what he could do and yet all that came to his mind was that he was fucked. If he stayed there was no doubt everyone would know he was gay, and as he thought about it, he finally realized that he was just that. He no longer wanted to fight it, to try and hide the fact that he was gay. The pain didn’t magically ease or anything but he felt a little bit better knowing that at least he was something. The confusion of who he was seemed gone but it didn’t seem to really matter.

So what if he knew he was gay, so what if he knew he liked guys over girls? It wasn’t going to get him back home or stop his friends from shunning him or worse? God what would Kevin do when he found out? He shuddered as he didn’t want to even think about that. It was just too much for him as once more the tears rolled down his face. Wiping them away didn’t help as they just kept on rolling down his face, making him feel even colder.

God how he hated life right now, and he sat there staring over at the old run down church. His heart felt so heavy and the panic inside wouldn’t leave him alone either. He had no idea what he could do, if even he could go home or not. It was like suddenly he was thrust out into the world with nothing and he felt the fear, even smelt it wafting around him despite the fresh snow smell. He shivered as he thought about it, wondering if it was even worthwhile to try and see if he could go home. He had stopped a few times at the payphone, wondering if he should call home to see but afraid that she would answer or worse that whoever answered would just hang up on him.

Kyle was so absorbed in his thoughts he hadn’t seen the SUV pull up nor the shout from it as he sat there. All he could think of was that he would be better off being dead than living and he started to wonder about death. Was it final like some thought or was there really a God? Would God himself meet him and turn him away or would one of his angels do that? Did God even care if he lived or died? It was so confusing that when the hand touched his shoulder he almost shit himself. He jumped and cried out as he stared at the person who’s hand had suddenly appeared before him.

Christ what’s with you man?

Huh? Sorry, shit, I uh, I mean… uh… what are you doing here?

Heading home, didn’t you hear me shouting?

No, sorry Kevin, I uh, I guess not.

You okay?

God why did Kevin have to show up now? Wasn’t it bad enough that once he found out about him he’d never speak to him again? Christ if this was just a taste of hell he knew he’d never stand it. How could God do this? To see Kevin now was like showing him the forbidden fruit when he knew he couldn’t even take a bit from it. It was painful and yet in some way he was glad that at least he’d have one last memory of Kevin actually talking to him. Kyle was certain that once he found out the truth he’d at best never talk to him again. Shit why did life have to be so friggin complicated?

Yeah fine, why? Don’t I look okay?

Chill man, shit you are acting like you are about to have kittens.

Sorry.

Yeah, so what you doing here?

Kyle stared up at Kevin, wondering if maybe the word was already out. Could Kevin know and be setting him up? His pulse raced a bit as he glanced past Kevin towards the truck. He relaxed a little seeing Kevin’s dad there and he knew that for the moment he was still safe. If any of the other guys had been there he’d know that the word was out. His heart ached a little as he wished things would be different, knowing that at best the rest of his life would be spent alone, without friends. Who would want to be seen with the town queer?

Huh? Uh, just out, wanted to uh.. you know, snow and all.

Uh huh, bullshit dude, you look friggin frozen, want a ride home?

NO!

Whoa.. don’t bite man.

Sorry, uh, no, no thanks I’ll uh, I’ll walk.

Suit yourself, you sure everything’s cool?

Yeah I am sure.

Okay, uh, wanna hang at my place?

Uh… no, that’s okay Kevin, another time okay?

Sure, uh look dude, whatever it is, we are friends, if uh, you know…

For just an instant he thought about telling him. Maybe he would understand but then as he stared up at Kevin he pushed that silly notion aside. How could he expect Kevin to understand when his own mother called him evil? How could he expect any of his friends to understand when even he didn’t get it? All he knew was he liked guys but why he did, well he just couldn’t put it into words. No, he realized, there was no way he could tell Kevin what was wrong, no way he could expect anything short of what his mother had said he could expect. Hell was maybe what he deserved and maybe the sooner he got there the better it would be for everyone else.

Yeah? Thanks uh, I am fine, really.

Okay, well… I gotta go, the old man is waiting, uh, sure you don’t want a lift anywhere?

I am sure, not going anywhere.

Later?

Yeah for sure.

He watched Kevin walk back towards the truck and he sat back, wondering what he would have said if he had told him? Would he have freaked like he thought or would he have understood? Maybe he should have told him or at least tried to sound him out, maybe he wouldn’t hate him all that much if he told him instead of finding out from someone else? He wished he could just holler out to have Kevin wait but he knew he’d never have the guts to tell him. He would only make it worse and so he sat there, waving like nothing was wrong as the truck and Kevin left him once more alone in front of the old church.

Maybe the answer did lay in ending it all. Not like his parents would really miss him and besides, if he was gone at least they wouldn’t have to worry so much about what everyone would be saying. Then too they could sleep better at night knowing Kerry was safe from him not that he’d ever hurt Kerry. It hurt to think that both of his parents thought he might do something sick like that. He really couldn’t understand why they had turned on him so suddenly.

Okay sure he knew it had to be a surprise but for his mother to think he was evil, his father agreeing with her, just didn’t make sense. Christ what would they do if he had killed someone? Would they have disowned him on the spot but he knew the answer without having to think. They had watched the news when a boy had been on trial for murder and the boy’s mother had been interviewed. She had condemned her son, calling him a bad apple that she had tried to set straight and that she wouldn’t be attending the trial. His mother had shook her head calling her a bad parent not because the kid had killed someone but because she wasn’t standing by him. God how could she have said that about that lady and then turn around and send him out into the street like she had tonight? Why was murder preferable to being gay?

The pain inside hurt as he tried to reconcile what she had said then to what she had done now. How could it be so much worse to be gay? What little he knew of the bible murder was way worse. After all being gay wasn’t part of the ten commandments, murder sure as hell was. So how could what he was be so much worse that it was okay for her to abandon him like this?

Kyle lowered his head to stare down at the swirling snow at his feet. He felt the cold creeping through his body and he wondered what it would be like to just lean back and go to sleep? He knew he’d never wake up if he did and maybe that would be best, at least it would solve everything. The fear though of what an angry God would say to him for being gay made him shiver. Damned if he did and damned if he didn’t he thought as his eyes grew heavy and the cold simply was no longer felt by him. He was growing numb from the coldness and he stared down at his feet, wishing that he had never got those feelings. He hated feeling this way and worse he had now lost his family.

It was his last year at High School and now even that was gone. Even if he did go home and even if they let him come home how could he go back to school when everyone would know? It would be a total nightmare and if he didn’t finish school, what then? It wasn’t like he had the brain power to do much. Sure he got by, barely but that didn’t leave much room for a decent future. Kerry seemed to have gotten the brains that he missed out on but he had talent. He could throw a football pretty good and he had dreamed of being in the NFL but that too was shot now. No way would any NFL team take a known gay quarterback assuming he could figure out how to go to college and succeed so a team wanted him.

Hey Kid… you don’t want to fall asleep out here.

Kyle lifted his head up and stared out at a tall figure standing before him. The guy was bundled up in an old army ski jacket and had a woolen cap on his head but he could see the longish hair sticking out from under it. The strands of hair hung down way past his ears and he had on woolen mitts that looked a bit frayed at the end. He had no idea who this guy was and he just looked at him, a blank stare in his eyes as the cold had numbed him totally.

Not sleeping, I am fine.

Uh huh, you live around here kid?

Yeah, no, I mean, yeah I used to I guess.

Oh? Used to huh?

Yeah, guess so.

Funny how it seemed to make such sense. He used to be from around here and yet really, he still was. Least until the news got out if it wasn’t already traveling all through town. He was certain his parents had already called Pastor George and now it was only a matter of time before everyone would know. For a minute or two he wondered if Pastor George would preach against him from the pulpit on Sunday morning or would he just spread the word?

I see, look, you wanna make a few extra bucks for the night?

What?

I said do you want to make a few extra bucks for the night?

His head had finally looked up at the man before him. He had seen the way his face had looked him over and all. For a split second he thought that the offer was something right out of one of the stories from his magazines but staring at the guy, he knew it couldn’t be that. Still he wasn’t stupid enough to just agree to earning a few bucks without knowing what he was being asked to do.

I heard, uh, look I don’t know who you are and all, but uh…

Relax, I bought some wood from the old church there, I can use a hand getting it out to my place, so uh, you want to give me a hand? I can’t pay much but, well my wife is out at our cabin and she’s pretty near due to having a baby, and well, if you could…

Oh, yeah I suppose, uh, you bought some of the wood?

Uh huh, they were going to just tear that place down in the spring, thought I could get some of the wood, there is some pretty decent stuff inside. Shame to see it all get ripped apart.

I suppose, you going to use it for firewood or something?

Firewood? Geez no way kid, I said it was decent stuff, I make things, thought I’d make a crib for my new baby.

You do that sort of thing?

What sort of thing?

Build stuff

Yep, I like working with my hands, gives me a nice feeling to take something and make it into something special.

Wish I could do that.

You ever try?

No, never really tried, doubt if I could.

How do you know if you never tried?

I don’t know, just know.

Yeah well, too bad. You look like you might do okay at it, so, you gonna give me a hand?

I guess.

Can’t pay much…

That’s okay, I don’t need your money.

Oh? You Rockefeller or something?

Huh? No I ain’t Jewish, why? Do I look like I am?

How long you been sitting out here?

I don’t know, why?

Sounds like your brain got frost bitten or something, come on, maybe you should sit in the truck and warm up first.

Yeah I guess, sure why not.

He stood up and almost fell over. If it wasn’t for the stranger he would have as his legs had gotten stiff from sitting and the cold. They hurt something fierce too as the circulation began to once more flow through his legs. He cried out in pain as the man easily took him into his arms and steadied him. He couldn’t explain it but he felt suddenly warm and safe as he looked up into the deep blue eyes of the stranger.

Thanks

No problem, so what’s your name?

Kyle, Kyle Hennessey, you?

Jake Wood, and yeah I know, odd given I work with wood, still it is my name.

For just a second or two he thought that the guy was putting him on but in looking at him, he just knew it was true. It felt weird to be leaning in this strangers arms like this and feel so safe. He didn’t know anything about him and the name, well it would sure as hell seem like a put on but he somehow knew it just wasn’t.

Yeah guess so. Uh, you live around here?

For now, we got a nice cabin a ways from town, nice & quiet.

You said you were expecting a baby?

No, my wife is, I am just the father.

She in the hospital here?

No, kind of hard to afford what they charge, besides this isn’t our first, and I took some courses.

Gradually he could feel the strength returning to his legs but he was reluctant to stand on his own just yet. Strange how he felt so at ease like this, more so than even the few times his own father had held him. There had been that time when he had fallen from a ladder and his leg had twisted. He had leaned on his father then just like now but it hadn’t felt like this. It was almost as if this was more like how it should be than how it had been. He felt a strange warmth inside too as he let Jake lead him to a beat up old Ford pick up truck.

The truck certainly had seen better days. There was rust along the wheel well and the paint had long since faded where it still was. Patches of rust showed and yet as he let Jake help him into the truck he felt comfortable. It was so warm and had a smell that made him feel even more relaxed. At first he couldn’t put his finger on what it smelt like but then it hit him. The truck smelled like a house would feel when fresh bread was baking in the oven. It had that homey smell and he found himself settling nicely into the aged leather of the seat.

Courses?

Yeah, midwifery or something they called it.

Why would you, sorry, guess I am being kind of nosey.

No sweat, took it because we didn’t know if we’d be able to be near a hospital, so thought I’d better know a bit more than boiling water, which by the way is a myth.

I wouldn’t know.

That’s good, you too young to know.

Am not, I am 17.

Really? Well then you must already have a wife and kids.

Just for a few minutes it had all seemed normal and pleasant. Now that quickly vanished as Jake joked about him having kids and a wife. God why did life had to suck so much, he wondered, as he fought for his breath once more. It was like living it all over again as he saw his mothers face floating before him. The angry eyes staring him down as he had walked into the living room. It was all there again and nothing had changed, the warmth was slowly leaving and he could feel the cold air creeping back into his bones.

I don’t think that is ever gonna happen.

Why not? You got an old war wound or something?

Something

Like what?

Like I am queer okay? There, happy now? I am queer, so I won’t be having any kids, no wife, nothing, just me and some dirty pictures, that’s my life, okay?

Kyle didn’t know why he had blurted it out or why he even cared to see what Jakes reaction was going to be. All he knew was that he was tired of hiding who he was, that suddenly it just didn’t matter anymore who knew. They would all know soon enough so he might as well get the disappointment over with now.

If you say so but I think you are wrong.

What that I am queer? Christ I wish I was, but no I am queer, okay? Still want me to help you? Still okay for me to sit here in your truck?

Don’t be foolish, course it is okay for you to help me and why would I not let you warm up in the truck? You think there is something wrong about being who you are?

Jake had to be from some other planet. He hadn’t flinched even when he had told him he was queer. It didn’t make sense because everyone flinched a bit, some more than others when that topic ever came up. Hell he could still hear some of the jokes the guys always made in the locker room. Yet Jake didn’t change expressions one bit, his face still looked calm and relaxed and, well, peaceful.

Don’t you get it? I am queer, gay, a fag, doesn’t that make you want to vomit?

No.

He had to blink a few times to make sure he was seeing what he was seeing. Jake wasn’t all up in arms, his face looked as calm as it had from the first time he had seen it. The way he had quietly said ‘no’ was so unreal that he wasn’t sure he had heard it right but looking at Jake, he knew he had. It wasn’t what he had expected and it puzzled him. His mother had gone ballistic, his father had been calmer but still had that same hurt and angry look but Jake didn’t. Jake looked at him the same way he had looked at him from the beginning. It was like nothing had changed between them which confused him. Why didn’t this stranger suddenly hate him like his own parents did?

No? Why not?

Well, suppose cause I don’t know you, just cause you are different don’t seem like any reason to despise you, now does it?

Other’s do.

I am not them am I?

Still… you really mean it don’t you?

You think because you are gay that is reason for me to not like you?

Yeah

Who told you that?

My parents

Well, I am sorry to say they are wrong.

Strange to hear this man tell him his parents were wrong. He never really looked at it that way, after all they were his parents but Jake was right. He didn’t go out and try to be gay, it just seemed to come over him, or maybe it was that he slowly came to see it and it had always been there? Maybe Jake was right, still it was hard to believe that his parents could be so wrong. Hell his mother was religious, she knew her bible so how could she be wrong?

Easy for you to say, I am not your son.

If you mean did I bear you, no, that is true and if you were my flesh and blood it wouldn’t change how I feel.

Yeah sure, easy for you to say when I am not.

No, not easy to say but it is the truth none the less.

He didn’t know why but it mattered for some reason that Jake was telling him the truth. Something inside wanted to believe him but it was hard. He still could hear his mother’s shrieks, his fathers look of total disappointment. All he really wanted was for someone to not hate him, was that asking too much? It was hard for him to explain to himself as he tried to believe in Jake, to think for a second or two that maybe he wasn’t evil, that perhaps there was still a reason to live. Everything was so confusing to him and he felt desperate to believe in Jake’s words but the pain was so real, so pressing on his mind that he was finding it hard to believe this man’s simple words. Yet each time he did look at Jake he couldn’t help but believe.

Uh huh.

I told you this isn’t my first baby Kyle.

Yeah so?

I also have a son.

You saying he’s gay?

No, but like every other son or daughter he is different. In some ways he’s not like other kids his age, in other ways he is. He is different than what most would say is normal, but it doesn’t change how I feel for him or how his mother feels for him. We love him, he is our gift from God, how could we not love him?

I wish my parents believed that.

So do I, but Kyle they are the one’s who are missing out, not you.

It doesn’t seem that way.

Not now, give it time, they will, God willing.

It wasn’t so much what Jake was saying as how he looked when he said it. His whole face would seem to just light up as he spoke about God and about his kid. He really did want to believe in God too but all he had ever learned in Sunday School had been how this super power had set so many rules, so many conditions and yet as much as he tried he knew he could never live up to all of them. Yet listening to Jake it felt different, it felt like this super power wasn’t expecting him to succeed. To be honest it was almost as if Jake really cared about God, not the way that the pastor at church did, but in a different almost familiar way. It was, well like to Jake God was like what Kyle thought he felt about his own father. Jake didn’t seem afraid of God, didn’t seem to be frightened by him or his power either.

You really believe in him? God I mean?

Yes, don’t you?

I don’t know, I suppose, just that… well…

Just that right now you are hurting and not sure, right?

Yeah.

And yet somehow you found your way here didn’t you?

Huh?

Well you normally come here?

No.

But here you are, by one of his houses and here I am, maybe this is where you are supposed to be right now, ever think of that?

I have no where to go.

His eyes were filled with tears as he had said the simple words, the realization that he really didn’t have any place to go finally hit him. He felt the pain in his heart and wondered whether he would even make it to tomorrow, Christmas eve, never mind make it past Christmas. Kyle turned his face away from Jake afraid of letting Jake see his despair. There was something about Jake that made Kyle like him, want him to understand but it scared him too.

He had no idea who Jake was or why he was even being nice to him. At first he had thought it was like what he had read in some of the stories but sitting here in the warmth of the truck he knew Jake wasn’t some guy looking for a thrill. There was a sort of calmness about Jake, like he knew the answers and all Kyle had to do was ask him, but he was scared. He didn’t know if he wanted to know the answers.

His body heaved a little as the pain of his loneliness reared up to fill his heart. He could barely breath as he struggled with the knowledge that he was suddenly all alone in the world. Never would he see his mother or father again or his younger brother and that hurt. He felt the pain searing across his heart as he tried to breath, the gasps for air adding to his pain when he felt the strong press of Jake’s arm across his shoulders. His head shook a little as he became suddenly afraid of looking towards Jake but the firm press of the arm left him no choice.

Slowly he surrendered to the stronger force of Jake’s arm and as he turned he found himself being slowly pulled away from the door and more towards Jake. His heart quivered a little as his eyes blinked to stare over at Jake. A strange light seemed to blind him for a mere instant and then he was able to focus on the young thin face that now stared over at him. He saw the lips curled in a bit of a smile and their fullness surprised him. It made his heart skip a beat or two as he slowly let his eyes glance further up the soft gentle face towards the eyes.

In that instant he felt the power of the man next to him. While his tears still rolled down his cheeks he no longer felt so alone, so empty. It was like he was slowly being filled by a new and strange warmth. He shuddered a little as Jake’s hand reached out to gently wipe away the tears that still fell from his eyes. Now Kyle stared up into the soft blue eyes and he felt a jolt deep in his body. The pain he had felt was suddenly gone as was the terror. For that moment he no longer felt alone, no longer felt like the whole world was against him. In that single instant when Jake’s callused finger touched his skin, he felt like there was hope for him, for the real him.

As the tears seemed to just cease he felt the air slowly filling his lungs. No longer did he gasp for air as his body no longer shuddered to his pain. The feeling came back to his hands and legs as he let the strong arm bring him in even closer to Jake’s strong body. He could smell strange new scents as his head slowly moved closer and rested on Jake’s shoulder. The arm now held him tightly into Jake’s own body and Kyle no longer felt the fear that had taken over his mind. The dark unknown of the future no longer scared him or made him feel so desperate as he let his body relax. His muscles uncoiled as he felt a sense of peace come over him while he felt the soft hand caress his hair.

Kyle could smell the fresh scent of pine in the man’s clothes as the hand gently stroked the back of his head. He felt the rough calluses and yet it felt so gentle, so calming that he found his head resting easily on Jake’s shoulder. His eyes burned from the tears a bit and yet his heart no longer seemed so empty, so alone as Jake’s hand brushed the back of Kyle’s head. His tears seemed to stop as he tried to figure out what was happening. He had never felt so much peace or love for that matter. It should have scared him but instead he found himself moving in closer, letting his whole body carve naturally into Jake’s side. It felt so good to just rest inside of Jake’s protective arm.

He closed his eyes and let his body relax completely. This was how he wished it would always be he thought as sleep finally came to his tired mind. The sweet scent of lilacs seemed to come to his tired mind as he nestled closer into Jake’s body. Kyle felt the peace that he needed as he no longer thought about his mother’s words or the look of his father. Instead he saw endless fields of color where people were walking, holding hands. There were white men with dark skinned women, women with women, and even men with men. It was like a huge playing field where birds sang and the wind gently swirled around the various people who were so obviously in love. He sighed as he dreamed, wishing that his world would one day be like that.

Wednesday December 24^th

The sound of a voice softly calling his name woke him up from his dream. For a second or two he felt disappointed that the dream had been interrupted but then he also felt a bit sad that it was just a dream. Everything had been so perfect and even though he knew it was just a dream he wished he could open his eyes and see it again. At last the voice finally penetrated the sleep fog that still swirled around his mind and he reached up to rub his eyes. He felt the warmth as he stretched and realized that he wasn’t in a truck any longer. Kyle immediately woke up then and sat upright, to find himself on a small mattress of straw in a corner of a room.

The room wasn’t large and he could see a roaring fire burning in the stone fireplace across the room. It really was just one big room it seemed and he sat up rubbing his eyes wondering how he got here. The sudden stab of realization of what had happened earlier broke upon him and he felt the ache inside but it was dulled by time already. His eyes moved around the room to see a wooden table set near a big window and he could see the snow covered trees. His heart felt easier than he ever remembered as he sat up, remembering meeting Jake and recalling how they had talked in the truck.

His eyes moved back to the roaring fire and he saw a big black kettle hanging in it and as his eyes adjusted to the semi darkness in the room he realized that there was no fancy appliances, no electricity even as there were candles & lanterns all around the spacious room. Across from him was another larger straw mattress and he could see a tiny figure nestled among a bunch of piled up blankets and pillows. The eyes seemed to be sparkling as the person looked back at him. He felt a bit awkward as the face just beamed at him. Next to her stood a small tiny figure who had to be Jake’s boy. He looked at the lady in the bed and never seemed to take his eyes off her. Kyle could see the worry in his face but more than that he could see the utter devotion in the boy’s small round face.

Sorry to wake you Kyle, but I can use a bit of help, if you don’t mind.

Kyle turned towards the fireplace where he saw Jake standing. The man was dressed in faded blue jeans with an old hunting type plaid shirt on. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and his hair was a bit long & straggly but it seemed to suit his face. The face itself looked so calm and restful that once more Kyle felt like he was still in his dream. A closer look though at Jake’s eyes told him that he was back in the real world.

Sure, uh, how long, I mean it doesn’t look all that dark out.

No, guess it is not yet 5, getting close though.

5? In the morning?

No afternoon.

AFTERNOON! Shi… uh sorry, but.. how? I mean…

You needed to sleep, besides you said you had no where to go.

It all came rushing back to him in a flash and yet the pain was held at bay. It was as if it no longer was of concern to him and while he could still feel the ache, it just seemed as if for some reason he knew it would all work out. Maybe Jake was right, he had just needed some sleep. Still, he wasn’t that heavy of a sleeper and how did he get from the truck to here? His hand moved down under the blanket to find he was still dressed and yet he felt guilty for checking. He should have known that Jake wasn’t that type, and yet he had checked. He tried not to look at Jake but his eyes were drawn none the less. As he peered at Jake’s face he saw him smile and realized that Jake didn’t seem upset that he had checked. It felt strange to be just accepted, even when screwing up. If only life could be like that he thought as he felt the warmth of the cabin calm his fears even more.

But… I mean, you didn’t wake me, I could have…

No, you needed a chance to sleep, it is okay, but I could use a bit of help now, if you could.

Sure, uh, what can I do?

There is a stream, could you take these two pails and get me some fresh water? It seems that we are about to have a new addition to the Wood family.

The words registered inside and he quickly looked back at the figure in the bed. Her eyes were so lovely that he couldn’t help but smile and yet feel terrified at the same time. The boy who stood next to her just kept looking at her with big round eyes and Kyle could feel his love for the lady and hers for him too. In a weird sense it was as if he could see the love itself, not just feel it. For a moment he felt a pang of pain in his heart, wishing his own mother would look at him that way, knowing that it would never be.

Kyle stood up and as he did the young boy finally turned to look at him. His eyes were just like Jake’s but there was something more to them too. They held a sort of innocence that Kyle had never really seen in a person’s face before. The boy seemed so at peace, so comfortable in where he was that it made Kyle stop for a second to look closer. His eyes narrowed a little as he saw the small indent in the forehead and the way the jaw was a bit elongated. The boys lips were a bit thick and pale and at one end of his mouth was slightly curled up as if in a sneer. He smiled at the boy and then turned to look over at Jake.

Adam, say hello to Kyle.

The boy turned to look for a second at Jake and as he did, Kyle saw how his face just lit up and then he turned to Kyle. That same beaming light seemed to shine from him as he said hello in a slight slur. Kyle could see that talking was not easy for the boy and yet he instinctively knew that the boy didn’t even realize how different he looked or talked.

Hi Adam

Adam just smiled back and for some reason Kyle had this strange urge to just hug the boy. Instead he reached out with his hand and tussled the boy’s rather longish hair, hair that was very much like Jake’s. He turned to glance down at the young girl and saw her lips grow wider in a huge smile and his heart suddenly felt much better. She seemed so happy at his small insignificant gesture that he felt a bit ashamed for feeling so good.

Adam, take Kyle to the stream please, so he can bring some water.

I can bring it.

I know, but Kyle is our guest and he wants to do it

Okay, come… did you know I can add?

There was such a sound of pride in Adam’s voice as he said he could add that it made Kyle smile. He felt so pleased that he could add and that he could get the water. More than that he could hear the pride in Jake’s own voice too as he recognized Adam’s ability. It was so effortless too and for a moment he recalled how his own mother used to be the same way. Now all that was gone he realized and the smile vanished from his face as he felt the regret in not being able to still please her.

Huh? Oh, no I didn’t Adam, I am not good at adding numbers.

No? I can

Well maybe you can teach me?

Okay

Adam reached out for Kyle’s hand and guided him towards the wooden door. As they came closer to the door Jake motioned with his head for Adam to take a jacket off a peg that was hung just a bit lower than the others. He watched Jake’s face smile as Adam dropped Kyle’s hand to put on his jacket. It was like Jake couldn’t get enough pleasure from watching his son.

Take my jacket Kyle, yours is still a bit damp I think.

Okay, uh… thanks.

No problem, when you get back I’ll have some hot food for you, I bet you are a bit hungry about now.

Well, a bit but…

Don’t worry, I can cook, right Adam?

Yes, he cooks good Kyle… come on, I’ll show where the water is, it is cold, did you know that?

No I didn’t.

It is, so don’t go in, right daddy?

That’s right Adam, it is cold and you don’t go in.

Okay. Come Kyle.

…

The night had come quickly and the snow had piled up but for now it had stopped. He had taken a break and come out to stare up at the night sky to see it filled with an array of clear blue stars twinkling as if they were speaking to each other. He had never really seen the sky so beautiful as it was this night and he shivered a little. Strange how things worked out he thought as he stood by the cabin wall and just looked upwards.

Adam had been a non stop talker all the way to the stream and back. It was so nice to hear his voice the way he would suddenly stop to look at a tree or to glance up at the falling snow. His innocence was something that made Kyle feel rather special as he just stood there enjoying Adam’s pleasure at such simple things as catching a snow flake. The way his eyes constantly shone made Kyle wonder what it was that made Adam so obviously happy all the time. He had to admit though, it was kind of nice to stand there with his head tilted back and his tongue sticking out, waiting for a snow flake to sizzle on the warm flesh. It felt so good and each time a flake fell to his tongue it gave him a strange tinkle inside. It was like all the pain, all the heartache he knew existed was on holiday or something.

At the stream he watched in awe as Adam walked over and patted a deer that was drinking from it. The deer had merely looked up briefly as they approached and never fled as they came nearer. It was so breath taking really, the snow lined ground leading to the water was fresh and pristine. He tried to stop Adam from going towards the deer but Adam just smiled at him, telling him that the deer wouldn’t hurt him. He still couldn’t believe how the wild animal just let Adam walk up and pat its head while it drank from the clear stream.

Kyle had sat back on his legs to watch and then was amazed as Adam led the deer over to where he was squatting. The deer just followed the boy like it was perfectly natural and when they got close, he was stunned to see the way the deer first looked at Adam and then at him. It moved up closer and sniffed a little then took another step closer. Adam told him to pat the deer and he was hesitant but he couldn’t deny Adam so he reached out nervously, and the deer surprised him by moving in closer so his hand touched the soft skin. He sat there patting the deer with Adam watching him. He could see the big grin on the boy’s face and then realized that he too had a wide grin spread across his own face. It felt so good and he wished life could always be like this.

He moved a bit away from the cabin and found a log in the small clearing where he sat down. The snow was so white that in the glow of the moon it just seemed to glow and shimmer. It was cold but he really didn’t feel it as all he could think of was how good it felt to be alive and seeing all this. Jake’s wife was in labor, he had seen the way her face would wrinkle but she rarely made a sound. It was as if she knew it would all be okay and when the pain was really bad he noticed how she would find Jake with her eyes.

Kyle had sat with her while Jake had taken Adam out to go to the bathroom and get cleaned up. Her whole face was so soft and at one point while Jake was still out with Adam a pain had come to her. She tried to find Jake but couldn’t find him and he felt like calling out for him but instead he reached down to take her hand. She looked up at him and smiled, and in a small pain riddled voice she had told him it would be okay, that it wasn’t yet time and he didn’t have to panic. God, how could she be so calm he wondered? Here she was in the midst of the bush having a baby in a log cabin without a doctor, without anything really. Yet she didn’t seem frightened and despite her pain she still managed to try and calm him down. He couldn’t believe it and when Jake came back in he saw how her face grew even more serene, more relaxed.

Sitting there all alone he wondered what tomorrow would be like. He glanced up and saw the bright stars once more. God they were so beautiful he thought and as he gazed at them, he began a small silent prayer. It wasn’t much, just that he asked God to look after Jake and to let his baby be born without any complications. He asked God to look after these strangers and to keep them safe and then he bowed his head.

Amen

He jumped a little and turned to see that Jake was standing beside him. He hadn’t heard him come out or even noticed the light that shone out from the open door of the cabin.

Sorry.

For what Kyle?

I don’t know, for not helping you earlier, for intruding on you like this I guess.

Intruding? I brought you here, remember?

Well, actually no.

True you were sleeping.

Why didn’t you wake me up?

Why? I guess because you looked so happy in your dream, I didn’t have the heart to wake you. Are you unhappy that I didn’t?

No, not really, just that… well..

What?

I didn’t help you like you had asked, feel kind of bad for that.

Oh but you have helped me.

I haven’t done anything.

No?

No.

I don’t know, you just prayed to the Father to take care of me and my family, that is pretty special considering your own need for his help.

I don’t… how did you know I… I mean…

When someone speaks from their heart with words from their soul, sometimes if you are careful, if you listen hard, you can hear them. It is all part of his plan I think.

How can you believe in him so easily? Don’t you ever have doubts that God even exists?

Doubts? No, I am lucky I guess, he has allowed me to see things that are truly remarkable, things that constantly prove to me his existence.

I wish I could see those things.

You can, you just have to look a bit harder sometimes, but you can.

I wish I could, I don’t know how.

Look around you Kyle, tell me what do you see?

He turned away from Jake’s face and stared out. He saw the snow covered trees and rocks. Off by the cabin he saw a deer standing looking at the yellow light coming from the window. Up in the sky he saw the stars shining and then he looked down and saw his own shadow as well as Jake’s.

Trees, snow and stars.

Is that all?

I guess.

Don’t you see that all this is for you?

Me? Come on Jake, this isn’t for me.

No? Why is that so hard for you believe?

Why? I told you… I am queer… remember?

And so that means that none of God’s creations are for you, one of his best creations of all?

I doubt God thinks I am one of his best, more like one of his mistakes.

Because you are gay?

Yes.

The tears were once more starting to roll down his face as he sat there, knowing how much he wished it would all end. He hated feeling so alone as once again the pain began to well up inside of him. He could see his mother’s face still, the way her eyes had held so much hate for him, the way her voice had dripped with pure venom as she spoke to him. He wished it was different, he wished that Jake was right but he just couldn’t accept that. God had to have made a mistake.

Kyle’s body shook a little as the cold began to once more creep into his bones. He felt his lungs ache a little as more tears flowed down his cheek but just when he thought he would break down to cry he felt Jake’s hand rest on his shoulder. A strange warmth seemed to flow into his body and then he looked up to see Jake slowly walk around the log and sit down beside him. He watched as Jake’s eyes stared deeply into his own.

All of his fears seemed to vanish the second that Jake’s eyes looked into his. He felt the warmth rushing inside him as Jake moved in closer and put his arm around Kyle’s shoulder. Just like in the truck Kyle found himself willingly nestling into Jake’s shoulder. Together they both looked up at the stars sparkling in the night’s sky and for now, Kyle felt at peace. The pain was once more buried and he could breath without pain. His body no longer trembled to the fear of being alone as he let Jake’s arm hold him tightly.

Looking up at the heavens, Kyle wished that this night would never end. He felt so at ease resting in Jake’s arm that for a moment or two he wished that Jake could be his father too, and for that split second he felt a bit jealous of Adam, because Adam was Jake’s son. His eyes misted a little and he sniffled a bit as he thought about his own father, wishing he would understand, praying even that maybe someday his parents could understand that he was this way not by choice, not by some insane desire to hurt them, but just that he was.

Time seemed non existent as they sat on the log staring upwards. Kyle could hear the wind gently blowing thru the trees and now & then he spotted some animals coming closer, then stopping and just waiting. It was sort of eerie and yet also sort of how it should be he thought. The different animals looking on, unafraid of him or Jake. It was how he wished his parent could be.

He felt a drop on his forehead and he blinked, looking up to see the start of another snowfall. He stared at the small flakes that gently came floating down to earth and he felt Jake move a bit. Kyle sat up as Jake looked upwards and then with a squeeze on Kyle’s arm he told him to sit still. Jake got up and smiled down at him, telling Kyle to wait that he would be right back. There was a strange glint in Jake’s face and for a second or two he felt a bit nervous as Jake left him alone on the log, but then he saw the gleaming eyes coming out from behind the trees. Seeing them he knew he really wasn’t alone so he sat there, taking pleasure in the falling snow.

Here… this is for you.

Kyle couldn’t get used to how Jake could move around without him hearing him move. He glanced down at Jake, to see him holding out something in one hand. He didn’t know what to say as he hesitantly reached out for the object. As he did he saw it gleam a little and he realized that he was looking at a small wooden cross.

I can’t take that Jake, it is yours…

No, I made it for you.

Me? But when? I mean…

This morning. There was a small piece of wood from the altar in that old church, just the right size to make into this.

Thanks, but I can’t accept this, it is nice but…

But nothing, it is your birthday isn’t it?

Huh? Yes… but…

Then it is settled, Happy Birthday Kyle.

Kyle felt tears again but this time they weren’t caused by pain or misery. Instead he felt so happy and pleased that he didn’t know what to say or do. He looked up at Jake and then opened his arms to him and leaned over to fall into Jake’s own open arms. Kyle felt a soft kiss on his forehead as he thanked Jake.

Thank you Jake, I don’t know what to say…

You don’t have to say anything Kyle, just do me one small favour?

Anything.

When you are feeling lonely, feeling like you need a bit of TLC, that you’ll take this out and hold it tight, and know that you aren’t alone, and that, that God loves you.

Before he could say anything to Jake the sound of his wife calling Jake’s name came clearly to them. Jake beamed as he closed Kyle’s hand over the wooden cross that he had laid in the palm. His face was suddenly radiant as he stood up and slapped Kyle on the back.

I am going to be a father again Kyle, What a wonderful night this is!

Kyle watched Jake run towards the open door of the cabin and he could see the joy that Jake had. He seemed so full of energy and happiness that he couldn’t help but smile himself as his fist held tightly onto the small dark wooden cross. Silently he looked up at the bright star that still shone through the growing parade of snow, and as he stood up he asked for God to look after Jake and then as he began to run towards the cabin, he heard the hard vibrant cry of a newborn baby. His whole body shook as he heard the loud voice echo in the night and as he came to the cabin door he glanced backwards, to see the animals that had been in the trees suddenly come forward, as if they too wanted to share in this very special moment. He looked at the cross in his hand and then back upwards, thanking God as he walked into the cabin to see the miracle of birth.

Thursday December 25^th

HE IS HERE DAD! I FOUND HIM! Wake up Kyle, please, wake up bud… come on… wake up, please wake up!

I am awake, what is it? KEVIN! What the… how did you…

He looked around the room and was sure he must still be asleep. He sat up and looked closer at the empty cabin. He rubbed his eyes hard as he saw Kevin kneeling next to him with a strange look of worry on his face. The fire was still smoldering in the fireplace but there was no table with a hand stitched cloth over it, just a run down beat up table leaning to one side on a broken leg. There were no lanterns hanging across from him and as he pushed himself up against the wall he realized that there was no straw mattress either.

What is going on? Kevin, where is Jake and his family? What’s happened?

Who? There is no one here, just you. God you had us all worried dude, you okay?

Yes, yes I am fine, what do you mean there is no one here? I came here with some guy, his wife had a baby last night, they were… they were right there…. Where are they? Are they okay?

Dude, there is no one here, by the looks of the place there hasn’t been anyone here for some time.

Kevin was right, there wasn’t anyone there nor was there any sign that anyone had been in the cabin other than him. He felt a strange chill inside as he tried to make sense of it all. He couldn’t have dreamed all that could he? Maybe the cold had affected him but shit, it was all too real. It had to be real, but as he looked around the sparse cabin he had to admit that there was no sign that anyone had been there. There were no blankets stacked up by the door, no black kettle by the fireplace, not even a candle stub on the window sill. His eyes told him that Kevin was right but somehow his heart just didn’t believe what his eyes told him.

But… I mean… I couldn’t have dreamed it all… I couldn’t have…

You must have, there is no one here and there wasn’t any tracks outside either, just a bunch of deer tracks, maybe some squirrel or raccoon but no human tracks. If it wasn’t for the smoke coming from the chimney we wouldn’t have bothered to stop and cheek.

The animals, I remember, they were here, outside when the baby was born. I heard its cry, honest Kevin…

Come on, better get you into the truck, bit warmer than here but damn, this place seemed to have held the heat pretty good. You sure you okay?

He knew it hadn’t been a dream. It had to have been real but nothing remained to show him it was. His heart seemed to not care though despite the protests of his mind. Jake had been real, he couldn’t imagine that. Not for two days and nights he couldn’t. His attention returned to Kevin, whose face seemed to hover over him like some worried doctor or something.

Yeah… I guess, must have been dreaming… why are you here? Kevin… I uh… I mean…

Hell the whole town has been out looking for you. Pastor George held a special service for you too, man I never liked him until last night, but you should have heard him dude…

Huh? Father George?

Yeah, uh look, that stuff about, I mean, why didn’t you say something dude?

Kevin knew. It rang in his head as he searched his friends face for some sign, some signal that maybe he was dreaming now, that he wasn’t awake but as he looked at Kevin he saw the worry. It was weird because he had expected to find something else, something like maybe anger or hatred even. Yet as he stared into his friend he only saw concern. It shook him a little as he tried to put it all together. To think that Kevin was here and that he knew was almost too good to be true. It had to be a dream.

You know?

Yeah.

I didn’t, I mean…

Shit dude, thought we were friends.

I am sorry, I just, I didn’t think that… I mean…

Yeah guess in your shoes I wouldn’t have wanted to say much either, still dude, we been friends since forever, not sure I get all this gay shit, but fuck, you are still you, aren’t you?

Yeah, yeah I am.

It was just like Jake had said, you never could tell about people until you gave them a chance. He still couldn’t believe that Kevin was okay with him being gay. For sure he had thought Kevin would have freaked out on him but here he was, telling him it was okay, telling him he was cool with it. Kyle tried to stand up but his legs were stiff and he fell back down to the wooden floor.

Need a hand? Come on, lean on me if you want, legs stiff?

Bit, uh… thanks Kevin.

Hey, no sweat, uh, one thing dude…

What?

Don’t do this again? I mean shit man I missed out getting all those girls under the mistletoe…

Only way you can get a kiss bud.

Well! Just for that you don’t get your Christmas present.

Uh huh, since when did you buy me presents?

I don’t, but well, figured that if we found you I’d give you something, I mean shit dude, we been friends for a long time.

Yeah…. So what did you get me then?

This…

Kyle was stunned as Kevin reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a piece of mistletoe and held it up over his head. Kevin stared at Kyle for a second or two then he leaned inwards, the mistletoe in one hand, his other arm holding Kyle upright. His mouth came closer and Kyle’s eyes widened as he saw the way Kevin’s face looked. It wasn’t angry, it wasn’t hateful or even disgusted, it was almost soft and warm. His heart skipped a few beats as he breathed in Kevin’s scent, smelling that cologne that he always wore on special occasions. His tongue licked his lips as he felt the soft breath of his best friend on against his mouth and then he closed his eyes.

The touch of Kevin’s lips on his was sweet tasting as their mouths touched and he felt the hand holding him up dig in harder on the small of his back. Kyle felt the hard press of Kevin’s lips and his own mouth opened slightly as Kevin’s tongue flicked out briefly, and he could taste the warm flesh for just a second. It was all he had ever dreamed it would be as he felt his body tremble. There was no mistaking the love that came flowing into him and he knew that he & Kevin would always be friends, not lovers but friends which meant much more to Kyle.

Kevin…

Yeah I know, just to hold you until we can find you a decent guy, so don’t you go getting any ideas okay?

Okay… thanks…

Yeah well, not like we are going steady, shit… come on, your folks are waiting.

My folks? Kevin I don’t… I mean…

Yeah I sort of heard, your mom went kind of nuts but you should have seen her man. Hell she was phoning people all Tuesday night looking for you, getting people to come out and look for you, your dad too. Man she even went on television begging you to come home, I mean it really was something dude…

He didn’t know what to say as he stood there, his arm draped over Kevin’s shoulder. It was strange to think that she had done all that. It was turning out to be a hell of a Christmas. He stumbled out of the old cabin and the cold air hit him making his eyes water just a bit more. Kyle put his hand into his jacket pocket to keep warm and he felt the small wooden cross inside. He looked up at the sky and with tears in his eyes, he thanked God, knowing that it had been no dream.