Robert from ‘I Am Queer’ novel
Robert – 1
Robert
His heat skipped a beat or two as he focused on the tall white haired man entering the bar. He had hoped he’d see him again and yet ever since that first glimpse, that first vision of him he had felt like his whole life was about to be changed and yet the nervousness kept him from doing anything. He had noticed him just a few short months ago, New Years Eve to be exact when the man had first shown up that Robert had noticed. It was kind of spooky too because he didn’t know him, not a single thing about him except that the second he saw him, that very instant he felt like that was the one person he needed to know, and not just casually.
Slowly he sipped his beer, his eyes keeping a close watch on the tall white haired man, seeing every move he made, every turn of his head and he could feel the hard lump once more deep in his faded blue jeans. It was almost as if his body was trying to stretch out to the man and yet they hadn’t even met yet, hadn’t even exchanged a single word but he knew the man had noticed him, at least he thought he had on New Years and then once more a short month earlier. Their eyes had met both times and he couldn’t explain it, but each time he felt like he would simply explode. Hell, the last time he had felt his body jerking in his pants, knowing that if the room had been any lighter everyone would have noticed the growing wet spot around his crotch.
Strange, no single person had ever affected him like that, no one had ever touched his soul with such a power and he hadn’t even spoken to the guy but he knew who he was. Hell he didn’t get to be a corporal without having some smarts, and one thing about the training for the 101st Airborne was to know your objective, know it so well you could visualize it in your sleep and so he had made the inquiries, found out that the man was not a frequent visitor to the bar, but that when he did come it usually was a party, a time when he automatically became the centre of attention. Robert could understand that as he kept his eyes on the tall man, watching him head towards the bar to order.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw another man closely following John and a frown crossed his face, as he knew that this stranger was with his John. Shit, here he was already calling him his John and they hadn’t even been introduced yet, but in his heart he knew that Mr. John James Withers was the man he had always wanted to be with, had always needed to be with. He sighed a little as he felt a man pressing up against his back and he refused to turn, even though the man’s hand was wedged up against his buttocks. Normally he’d turn and tell the jerk to take a hike, but he didn’t want to miss a single moment of staring at his John. Christ, if the shrinks ever heard his thoughts they’d say he was obsessed and as the man behind him kept moving his hand down his tight butt cheeks, he knew that in fact he was obsessed, not with sex, but with something else.
The man’s hand was slowly crawling between his legs and he knew he couldn’t stay in this spot, so he turned and with a casual but firm twist of his body, he managed to not only stop the man’s grope but also inflicted a sharp twang of pain into the man’s arm. He glared at the older man, a man who might be in his mid 40’s or early 50’s and the fear quickly showed in the man’s face as Robert moved past him, letting his hard body push the offending asshole out of the way, knowing his movement also causing the man to spill his drink. Serves the prick right he thought as he hurried to his next chosen vantage point, and as he moved into position further down the dark bar he could see the white mane of John’s head moving towards the back, towards the area he always reserved for himself when he was coming to the bar, a fact he had found out thanks to some expert recon and a $20 bill.
It had taken him almost an entire week of coming to the bar to finally get the dope on the older man who had with one look stolen his heart and soul. He had found out that John James Withers was 60 years of age, worked at the Bank of America credit processing centre in Louisville, was a mid level executive there but prior to that he had been of all things an English teacher. He also found out that he had served in
John
He was in a melancholy mood tonight, despite the fact that finally he had gotten Father Ken to come along with him to the bar. Strange, he had known Father Ken for just over a year, meeting online at an adult chat site, and they had quickly become good friends. It wasn’t that he wasn’t religious but many times it felt strange to realize that his best friend was actually a Priest, a Roman Catholic one no less, something his Pentecostal upbringing would seem to preclude, but still here they were, best of friends and finally out at the local hot spot for people like them.
John surveyed the crowded bar, seeing all of the familiar faces and a few new ones too, something that constantly amazed him at how there could always be someone new, someone that would grab his eye but rarely did he let his eyes view take him any further than wistful thinking, at least it hadn’t in the last few years. It had been a lot different when he first finally came out of hiding, only 10 years ago now, which was strange really, because he had known who he was and what he was long before his 50th birthday, just that he had never given himself permission to let loose, to be who he wanted until then. In fact if he listened to Ken he still wasn’t really letting himself loose, he was still hanging back for the most part but then starting such a different life, at such a late time of life wasn’t exactly easy in the best of circumstances, and given his family background, he was still rather amazed he was even going as far as he had.
Part of him still wished that things might have been different. He could still recall that one early time, way back when kids wore long hair and bell bottom jeans and smoking pot and making out was the ideal lifestyle. Protesting was second to that and yet he never had gone into much of any of that, instead he had answered his country’s call and like so many of his generation he had wound up in the military, serving in far off distant shores and risking his very life for some unexplainable cause. Even now he still wasn’t too sure why he had gone, what it had all been about even but he had done his part and as much as he hated the memories of that time, there were still one or two moments when he had to admit that it was the best time of his existence.
He sighed as he waited for the bartender to fill his order, knowing that his reflective mood was heightened by the fact that his best and closest gay friend was about to embark on a journey of his own away from the confines of
Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a tall young man watching the bar and for a moment he felt a small hitch in his heart beat, as his eyes searched the face and a vague sense of recognition plagued his thoughts but he shook it off, unwilling to let his fancy turn to young men and thoughts of passion. He was too old for that nonsense anyhow, and as much as he liked to tell everyone he was only 37, he felt his 60 years more each time he came to this place. He had to admit though that the young man held himself well, he didn’t slouch and his eyes looked so bright, even from this distance. He figured the boy, calling him that because there was no way that he was older than 25 or 26 and to him, anyone under 35 had to still be a boy, stood about 6 foot and looked like he was in excellent physical condition. His chest looked hard and well defined even in the darkness of the crowded room. More than his physical appearance though, it was the way he held himself, almost like he knew who he was, knew what he wanted, and was out to get just that. For a brief instant John wished that he was the centre of the boy’s thoughts but as he grabbed his drinks and turned away he knew that could never happen. After all the boy was way too young for him and besides, he didn’t think he could ever change his own lifestyle simply to please some young buck but damn it, it would be nice to dream about.
Ever since Ken had told him, John had felt like he was suddenly being thrust into a dark abyss, he couldn’t explain why he was having such a dark mood but he knew that he was also feeling his age more and more as time went on. Now he wouldn’t have anyone close to share watching the latest Queer As Folk episode with, no one to talk to really about how cute that waiter was or how hot that gas attendant was, and once more he was about to be thrust into that hidden life, that life of solitude that many gays of his age slid into. He knew he didn’t want to, but the choices weren’t exactly leaping out at him either. To come out fully wouldn’t harm him financially, least he didn’t think it would and he doubted if work would really give a damn, as long as he didn’t start showing up in a dress or something, and even then he doubted they’d do much about it but his family, that was something very different.
His hand shook a little as he thought about his two sons and daughter, wondering if they had ever suspected or where they as blissfully ignorant of who he was as he hoped? Somehow he thought that perhaps Melissa had an inkling, and maybe even Rory, but he doubted if Stephen had a clue but then kids did have a way of surprising you and his were no exception. He still couldn’t believe that his youngest boy, Stephen had enlisted in the military, and now was stationed at
His heart began to ache once more as he saw the pimply face of a 19 year old, short blond hair cut in the traditional buzz cut that they wore in the Green Berets back then, the dark tanned skin from being out in the tropical weather without a shirt, all of it flashed before him as once more his eyes found that boy’s face in the crowd, but now the boy was near his own table. Now the boy was looking at him and for a moment or two he felt confused, seeing something of Brad glimmering in the boy’s face as he looked hard at him, a lump rising in his throat as he could see that face again, see those clear blue eyes staring up at him, the moon of a Southeast Asia sky above them both as they lay in the tall growth of the jungle. He saw it all once more but as he started to turn his mind once more felt his iron will, his heart once more felt the cold steel of his will pulling him back and he stopped his movement, feeling Ken almost bump into his back at the sudden stop.
Quickly he moved towards the table and placed the drinks down, sliding his still youthful figure down along the leather bench seat. He glanced up and caught that face once more, feeling the tightness in his throat as Father Ken slid in beside him and stared at him. He could feel the questions even though he knew Ken wouldn’t ask any, he just wasn’t that way but he knew that Ken had caught his look, had seen his face as the memory of Brad had flashed across his mind. Damn why was he suddenly going back 40 years to dredge up ancient history? Sure the boy looked like Brad, but if he was really honest he would know that this stranger didn’t look one bit like Brad, he was taller and better built than Brad had been. Brad was just 5ft 10 ½ in tall and his ribs always looked like they would pop out of his body when he had his shirt off, but then again the boy did have that same look, that same purposeful glare that told anyone with a brain that this was someone on a mission. Brad was tough to stop when he had that look, maybe that was why he kept seeing his face each time his eyes found the boy’s face? Maybe too he just needed to push back those ancient memories and try to forget that in less than a month he would once more be flying solo in the gay world.
John quickly took a long pull of his beer, letting the harsh tasting liquid flow down his throat uninterrupted knowing that Ken was staring at him with a puzzled frown on his face. Well, he’d understand but he just couldn’t bring himself to talk about it, to discuss what had eaten at him ever since that time almost 40 years ago, when he and a young 19 year old named Brad had crossed the line, had taken their friendship to a level that he had never really ever crossed since. Maybe it was time that he did cross that line but he never seemed like he could bring himself to actually do it. Oh sure he dreamed about it, joked about it too with his online friends and even with Ken, specially when he would visit him at his parish church and see the young choir boys around or a visiting group from one of the catholic schools but in fact, it had been 40 long years since he had ever let himself feel another male’s breath on his, feel another males’ touch on his body and he just didn’t know if he ever would feel that again. It was something that maybe Ken would understand, after all he was a priest and while some so called men of the cloth had ignored their vows, he knew that Ken was one of those rare ones who took the vows seriously, despite the obvious temptations.
Maybe that too was just another reason why he would miss Ken so much, because they both shared a sense of celibacy that they perhaps could discuss which others might not comprehend, let alone share? He took another long pull on the beer, knowing that he was acting strange, even for him but he couldn’t help it, it was definitely going to be one of those nights. His heart still felt Brad’s touch too and the pain he felt at his loss never really did heal, just as there was a pain and ache for where his wife of so many years had resided in his heart. Funny how he could feel her loss just as deeply as he felt Brad’s loss, and yet he knew deep in his heart that he had loved them both, had cherished them both the same and how could he explain that? Was that why he had remained closeted for so many years? Was it out of sense of duty to her memory or was it out of a sense of fear? Whichever it was he knew that lately he had been feeling torn between both thoughts, wondering what it would be like to once more feel the loving touch of another against his skin, knowing too that as much as he wished life had turned out differently, it hadn’t. He had to make the best of what he had, but what was it that he had? Did he have a desire for another male or was he using it as an excuse to simply stay single, to avoid letting someone else into his life?
John put the bottle down and looked over towards Ken, seeing the concern showing in his eyes and he smiled at him trying to reassure his friend and yet at the same time knowing that it wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all Ken. His eyes may have been looking at Ken but they still were able to search out the packed masses around them and he wondered what it would be like to actually have someone special, to have a person that would lead him to other places rather than here? Could he ever recapture what he had dreamed of when alone with Brad, when they were together on R&R in
John “So, what do you think so far?”
Ken “Noisy and crowded”
John “Haha, yeah but it makes it fun going for drinks”
Ken “Or for avoiding things”
John looked closely at Ken now, seeing the questions once more and he wondered if maybe he could tell him? Could he unburden his soul to this man he had only known for just over a year or would his own reticence once more keep him alone? He sighed as he sipped carefully at the beer, unsure of how he should answer and yet in his heart he felt the need to talk, to maybe bridge the gap between what he had allowed to be seen to what was really hidden beneath the wise cracks, the jokes. His only question wasn’t what would Ken think but could he, John, ever trust anyone like he had trusted Brad? Could he reveal that side of him that still remained so alone, so unfulfilled or would he pass on it?
John “Me avoiding things? Don’t think so, you are the one who it has taken a whole year to get to come to this place”
Ken “Well that’s simply because I had no idea if you would behave yourself or not”
John “Behave myself, why I am a prime candidate for sainthood and you know it!”
Ken “Uh huh, I can see it now,
John “Oh how cruel, and here I am trying to broaden your horizons and this is the thanks I get?”
Ken “Broaden my horizons? I’ll be emptying the cold water cisterns for a week thanks to you”
John “Well, you know what they say, cleanliness is next to Godliness”
Ken “And how does getting double pneumonia help?”
John “Not my fault if you don’t dry off properly, personally I have no trouble getting dry, now look, see that one over there, bet he’d help rub your priestly self down”
Ken stared over to where John was pointing and he smiled, seeing the baby faced young man that was at the other end of John’s finger. Yes indeed he would be a nice addition to anyone’s after bath routine but then for him it could become complicated. He enjoyed his life as a Priest despite the obvious losses such as being able to actually do something about one of John’s rude suggestions, but it was still fun to dream.
Ken “I suppose, and next you are going to tell me you know this how? Some personal experience perhaps?”
John “Why Father, I am shocked, I am celibate for the duration as you well know”
Ken “The duration huh, the duration of what?”
John “Why of life of course, I am saving myself for all those cute boys up there in HIS place, wouldn’t want to spoil my appetite now would you?”
He shook his head in utter amazement at John and his words. Only John would dare suggest such a thing but then again why couldn’t it be so? If God was truly the loving God, if he was truly the ONE CREATOR then who they were wasn’t by choice but by design and how could HE deny them their own calling? Strange, the association with John was a dangerous one for him, it made him think about things that could only lead him into trouble if he ever dared speak of them, and yet he had already done just that. Okay maybe he hadn’t come right out and spoken his true innermost thoughts from the pulpit, but he had hinted at them, at chided some for their constant ribald comments about those sinning queers and that was definitely because of John’s influence. He was going to miss this friendship, and he felt sad as he sipped on his beer, determined to not let John make this into a very memorable night that would give him a more memorable head in the morning, after all he did have his duties.
Ken “No but I am sure HE wouldn’t mind if you had a few appetizers along the way, besides it would give you something for comparison”
John “Oh I have done that, I know what appeals to me and right now it is securing my nomination for Sainthood, so stop trying to tempt me, you Priests, can’t stand to see a non RC take top spot”
Ken “Oh but we are all children under God, even you Pentecostals”
John smiled at his friend, taking another drink of his beer and signalling with his other hand to the waiter off in the distance. He couldn’t help it but tonight was going to be just one of those nights, one that he would regret not only tomorrow morning but most likely for the rest of the week, but shit, he couldn’t help himself, this was perhaps his last chance to be with Ken before he left for the damn west coast.
John “Yes well, I still think I deserve Sainthood with or without your approval”
Ken “Oh but I agree, you do indeed deserve it, only trouble I have is trying to figure out is when did your qualities become the criteria for Sainthood in any recognized religious order, that is all”
He couldn’t help from bursting out laughing, knowing that Ken had once more scored a direct hit. The guy had an amazing sense of humour and he could deliver those punch lines with such a straight face that you were always caught off guard. He loved it and a sense of sadness crept inside his laughter as he realized that this would be what he would miss the most, the camaraderie of just poking fun at each other, at harmless jesting that could turn a bad day into a memorable one. He really was going to miss him and he didn’t know how to tell him that without bursting into tears, something he hadn’t done for a long long time, the last being on the death of his wife.
Ken had sensed the mood switch and as much as he knew that John would indeed miss their association, he felt it just as much. It was doubly hard for him, given his job and chosen vocation. There had been many a bleak time in his service to his LORD but this one ranked right up there. He knew that true friendship was rare and with John that was what he had. With him he could be who he really was, never having to watch the words he chose, never having to keep a tight lid on his emotions or his presence even. If he wanted to stare at a young boy he was free to do so without worry and if he wanted to talk about it, he could do that too. It was the one part of being a Priest that he was uncomfortable with, the secrecy of hiding who he truly was from those around him.
For the most part he had come to terms with his double life, but there were times when he wished for something more, for a chance to be who GOD had made him be, not who society had decreed he must be. To be openly gay in his particular order wasn’t going to get him anywhere; in fact it would harm him in a way he was unwilling to allow. He knew his job, to help those find GOD and to be comforted by HIM and to do that he had to be above reproach, he had to be who they thought he was not who he was but more and more he found it frustrating, even downright difficult to keep the two Father Ken’s separate.
It wasn’t that he was a Saint either, as much as John might kid him about it, after all he was a man too and there was no doubt that he had his own desires, his own dreams but his saving grace was that he desired his profession more than he did to have someone to share his body with. Strange, he had never really thought too much about it until a few years ago, when he began to explore some of the more advanced gay sites online. Oh the naked pictures were interesting, but they hadn’t done much other than create a momentary lust, a passing desire because all of that was superficial, it meant nothing really.
Only when he began to read the rare gay stories online that were true stories and not some sexual exploit rehash had he come to feel slightly at a loss, to feel just a little incomplete and of course going to that one site where he ran into John had only added fuel to the flames so to speak. It was one thing to hypothesize on relationships, another to read about them and wonder if he too could have had that if only he had made other choices. Strange how he had been able to open up to John back then and how their friendship had only grown over time until just over a year ago when he had been recalled to this area, the headquarters of his order.
Their first meeting had been a roaring success really, it was almost as if they were kindred spirits finally coming home and from that point on they had spent a great deal of time exploring life as only two close friends could. They would go out for an afternoon of lunch and simply sightseeing, taking time to explore all of the wonderful things that they were blessed with and now, in a few short weeks that would all be over for now, and he could feel John’s own sadness just as his seemed ready to overwhelm him. How could he just go away? He shook his head a little as he too took a long drink from his beer, wondering if maybe tonight he would just throw caution to the wind and kick back and enjoy this moment for the moment.
John “You look like you need a treat”
Ken “A treat? Just what is your mischievous mind conjuring up?”
John “Now you hurt me, how could you suspect me of anything but the most noblest of intentions?”
Ken “I know I am going to regret this, but okay, bring on your treat then my friend, let the party begin and let my fall be on your head”
John “Fall? Now you know you can’t fall from a bench, just squeeze that priestly frame of yours in more and we shall get this show on the go”
Before he could even begin to slide in more on the soft bench towards John he saw the twinkle growing in John’s eyes and he saw him waving towards a group of young men off near the back of the bar, opposite to wear they were seated and he could tell that these were not bar patrons. For starter’s, they all were without shirts and none had any signs of alcoholic beverages in their hands.
A tall young blonde stepped forward and John nodded to him and he smiled back, turning to hand whatever it was he was drinking to one of the others and he came over to their table. Ken stared at him as he approached, watching the way he slowly moved towards them, his long blonde hair flowing gently behind him and he had to admit, the young man certainly had a presence about him. His chest was nicely carved and chiselled as Paul might say, another of his online friends.
Ken had no idea what was about to happen as the young man came closer but as he did, he noticed that the thin nylon type pants flowed at the bottom of his long legs, and to his amazement he realized that the youth wore no footwear. Strange, how could he be in a bar without shoes or something? His eyes however continued to stay fixed on the boy’s body as he came closer, and he could see the dark pink of his nipples now as the young boy stopped right in front of their table.
“Hi, I am Sebastian”
John “Sebastian huh? Nice name, this is Ken, I am trying to convince him that this is very respectable establishment, maybe you can help persuade him?”
He swallowed hard as he saw John pass a few bills over the table towards the young man who counted the bills in a very expert manner, and like a flash he had passed the money off to the waiter who had been hovering nearby. It was all so quick and effortless that Ken had to blink once or twice to make sure his eyes were working as there was no doubt that Sebastian had a most alluring smile. His whole body for that matter was alluring and he turned to stare at John, wondering just what devious plot had he hatched but before he could utter a word, he felt the sudden presence next to him and he turned to see Sebastian beginning to climb up on the bench. He had one leg raised up and as Ken turned to stare at it, he could see the twinkle in the young man’s eyes, see the fire too and he gulped, reaching for his beer to take a drink and try to cool the sudden burning fires that roared up from deep within his very soul.
Sebastian stood about 5ft 11in tall and he couldn’t have weighed more than a well-defined 140 lbs and his long blond hair hung down over his shoulders. Ken watched as his feet now rested on the bench, ten long slender toes grabbing hold of the soft leather seat and he could see the well manicured nails even as he watched the young man standing next to him on the bench. He gasped a little as the boy smiled at him, slowly extending one foot to barely brush against his pant leg and he felt himself sliding away, but John was next to him and he didn’t budge, only adding to the sudden warmth of the moment.
Carefully Sebastian pulled his leg back, smiling all the time as he then put the foot right in front of Ken, right on the table next to Ken’s beer. His hand was shaking now as he stared at the long leg curled up next to his hand and he licked his lips as the foot twisted a little and he looked up to see Sebastian now standing fully upright on their table. His body grew hot as he simply sat there, mesmerized by the now towering figure of Sebastian. He was standing there looking down and with that gorgeous smile still etched across his pure milky white skin. He began to slowly move his hips now, his two legs on either side of Kens beer and his body aimed directly at Ken’s sweating body.
It was almost like being in the middle of the desert, the heat he felt was so intense that he desperately wanted a drink to help cool himself off but to do that he’d have to move his hand, his hand that rested under the gently swaying hips and crotch of this amazing specimen of manhood. He licked his lips instead as he watched the youth’s head start to roll around on his lanky shoulders, the boy’s long arms began to move across his body. One hand was slowly caressing the gyrating belly where a deep dark hole was, and he played with it, his fingers gently tracing the outline of his bellybutton and all Ken could do was sit there frozen in wonder.
Ken noticed that Sebastian’s other hand was now moving up the firm chest, gently caressing the soft milky white flesh as it crept towards his pecs. His eyes grew wide as the hand moved across the chest, slightly twisting a small tuft of blond hair that was in the centre and then it moved slowly across to the right, tracing the outline of the perfectly shaped hard pink nipple that jutted out from his chest. It was unlike any movie he had seen or photo layout in any magazine as his eyes continued to devour the slow deliberate movements of Sebastian’s arms and body. He could feel the sweat dripping down his forehead but he was too mesmerized to move, to wipe away the growing stream of sweat. His legs were shaking a little as Sebastian began to move a little faster now, his hands starting to go down his sides and then back up, each time stopping at his waist.
His head began to roll from side to side more now and he reached up with his hands to toss his long flowing hair into the air, letting it slowly cascade down from his fingers, his head tilted back and his groin pressed outwards towards Ken. He moved a little now, his legs coming closer together and Ken managed to finally pull his hand and beer back, to rest the bottle on his lap, still unable to do more to break the sudden spell that was being cast over him. He continued to lick his lips as Sebastian’s body gyrated and the hands moved faster up and down his lanky frame. He could see the pores even as Sebastian now moved to the very edge of the table, his toes at times curling around the lip of the table itself. Ken didn’t dare look at John for fear of what he might see or worse, at what he might reveal to his friend.
The loud booming noise of the bar seemed to become less intrusive as his eyes continue to gaze at the moving body of handsome young flesh in front of them. His heart was racing too and he knew his blood pressure was thru the roof and somehow, he just knew that it would only go higher as the moment continued. He felt himself leaning deeply into the back of the booth as Sebastian’s hands began to slowly play around the thin black nylon waistband of the pants. It was amazing how the boy could do so many different things at once. His hands moved along his body and then would suddenly stop at the pants, pushing the thin material down just a little while at the same time his head moved from side to side, his long hair going in all different directions.
For a second he stole a glance upwards, to stare at the face and he saw the way the lips were held together, almost as if they were reaching out to kiss him and for a brief instant he thought he’d like that but he held his control as difficult as it was. He sat there watching the show progress to an even faster beat. The long legs moved from side to side and the hands continued their wild dance across his chest and Ken couldn’t help but keep his eyes on the moving body. He knew that Sebastian was staring down at him but he couldn’t look up and in a quick sudden motion, he saw the dark nylon fabric flying out of his vision to land somewhere other than where it had been. He gulped a few times as he realized that Sebastian had removed the pants and now stood there, only a very tiny covering of cloth between his total nudity and Ken’s own face.
A strange exhilarating scent wafted around his nostrils as he breathed in deeply, enjoying that unique man scent that suddenly came rolling up to him from the gyrating legs and crotch of the boy in front of him. He watched the two hands moving and reaching down the upper thighs of each well-defined leg. His heart was racing and his lungs began to ache a little as he sat there totally enthralled by Sebastian’s movements. It was unlike any video or show he had ever seen and he could feel the warmth creeping out towards him. He knew his face was flushed as Sebastian began to slowly bend his knees, his hands moving just down a bit on his thighs and then travelling back up to squeeze his groin area, to push the taught black fabric forward even more, highlighting the very full member that showed within it.
His mouth was dry but all he could think about was watching the way the boy’s body moved in careful even circular moves, the hard thick member beginning to show clearer with each passing second and his eyes were clouded a little by the dripping sweat from his forehead. He wanted to wipe away the dripping rivers of water but he was afraid of missing one single second of movement, one single instance of this wild sensual dance that was appearing right in front of his face. Sebastian was slowly lowering his body, which in turn only made his groin stick out closer to Ken’s face and he could feel John’s eyes boring in on him.
Damn him he thought, this was excruciatingly wonderful and yet also troubling as it only heightened his desires as well as the knowledge that this would be as close as he would dare go, that as enticing as Sebastian’s motion was, it would end at just that. Still, it was definitely going to lead to some very interesting dreams not to mention some very interesting discussions with his Boss in the coming days. His smile grew as Sebastian slowly lowered his legs to the tabletop and the thick pulsing organ within the black fabric that stared right at him held Ken’s eyes. He could see a small wet spot off to one side as the long tapered fingers began to gently push at the almost bursting covering.
Ken’s hands were slowly digging hard into the leather bench seat as his body temperature continued to rise to new levels of warmth. Every part of him suddenly felt very sticky and he knew there was no way he’d be getting up off the seat for a little while as his body continued to react pleasantly to the wild motions of Sebastian. The boy certainly knew how to move to accentuate his body and it seemed like it would never end either as he kept finding new ways to jut his groin out, to move his hands around his hard bulging basket. His lips were cracking despite his feverish attempts at keeping them moist but the sight before him drained him of his natural fluids. His body shook a little as he watched the knees slowly spreading open even wider, the hard thick moving basket coming even closer to him and somehow he found a bill in his hand and he knew that he was supposed to put it somewhere, and panic gripped him because the only place was in the jutting waistband of that thin nylon covering.
He wasn’t sure he could do it but somehow he saw his shaking arm rising up from under the table, the bill that John had pressed into his hand showing and it seemed that Sebastian had seen it too as his body slowed a little, the body pushing forward urging him in a way that only made him sweat even more. His fingers felt numb from panic as his arm extended outwards, the bill fluttering a little and somehow he managed to reach close enough to the waist to rest the edge of the bill on Sebastian’s smooth white flesh above the thin black line that was the waistband.
In order to reach that point, he had to lean forward and as his hand tried to tuck the bill into the thin band of black, Sebastian suddenly leaned back on his hands, his groin pushing inwards even more and Ken almost choked as the boy’s man scent came rushing up to his nostrils, making them flare with excitement as the aroma filled his whole body. He coughed, the sound exploding in his ears even though he doubted anyone else had noticed and yet as he tucked the edge of the bill into the waist, he couldn’t help but let his eyes gaze at the hard throbbing crotch that was a mere inch or two from his own face. He could see the outline of the long thick pole inside, see even the small curve of cap that showed that Sebastian was circumcised and he felt a strange tremble in his own legs, feeling the tightness even in his own boxer shorts as finally his fingers were able to secure the bill into Sebastian’s waistband.
Sebastian was an expert at his job and just as the bill was securely tucked in, he moved his whole groin area, to let his amble basket rub against the retreating arm and hand of the customer and he smiled as he saw the effect it had on the older man. His head flung back now, his long flowing hair cascading across the far end of the table as he stretched back even more, letting the back of his head touch the table itself, his legs ached as his groin shot forward that few extra inches, his hard thick pole jerking a little by the motion and he could feel the eyes boring down into his body. It was always this way as he spread his legs open even more, letting Ken stare at the full egg shaped balls that half showed out from behind the tight bikini briefs he was wearing.
Ken watched as Sebastian lay there fully exposed to his eyes for what seemed like hours but which was only a few minutes at best and then he watched as the boy slowly lifted his head up, his face now peering down his sweat soaked body towards Ken, his eyes delving deeply into Ken’s own eyes and there was a twinkle of a smile in his face as he tried to see if Ken had enjoyed his own view. It was simply amazing to him as he saw the look and he knew that Sebastian enjoyed his work, that he was even perhaps a little excited by it and he leaned back into the seat, feeling totally drained.
The tall longhaired boy slowly raised his body up off the table; his groin still fully exposed as he leaned totally forward now and ran his hand down Ken’s face. Just two fingers really down the side of one of his cheeks and then he brought the two fingers up to his own mouth, kissed them and then softly reached back to put both fingers on Ken’s lips, pressing them softly against them. Ken didn’t know how to react, he was so surprised and yet as the boy’s fingers touched his lips he felt a strange glow deep inside and he felt his whole body shudder a little and then he felt himself falling backwards, as if he was on the edge of a cliff and had just fallen back to float down the long empty space.
His head banged against the wall and he could hear someone laughing but all he could do was focus on the boy who suddenly stood up and then climbed down from the table and stood on the seat right next to Ken. For a second or two he stood there, his body glistening from the surrounding lights of the bar and then he was down and back on the floor. He held his pants in one hand and Ken watched amazed as Sebastian suddenly began to wrap them around and he realized that they were a special type of pant, a type that buttoned together which explained how easily they had been removed. He hadn’t noticed that before and yet he could still see that long thick pole encased in the sheer black covering, and he could still feel the sweat trickling down from his forehead as he slowly let his heart slow down to a more bearable beat. His chest ached still but he no longer felt light headed or dizzy as the blood began to slowly cool and no longer race thru his veins.
John “So? Did you enjoy your first table dance?”
Father Ken Macrae turned to stare at his friend, wiping his sweat brow with a paper napkin as his eyes bore deeply into John’s face. Even watching Queer As Folks with John hadn’t prepared him for this and there was some pretty wild dance scenes in a couple of those episodes and yet this was so, so totally amazing that he didn’t know how to express himself. His eyes searched his friends face and he could see the small curl around his lips, the hint of a smile really and as he looked into his eyes he could see the twinkle in there, the mirth of John enjoying his discomfort and he had to smile to himself, after all this was certainly better than staying back at the monastery and watching some television show in the community rec room.
Ken “You are evil, you know that don’t you John James Withers?”
John “Me? I am a Saint, you know that”
Ken “Uh huh, Saint Mischief I think, but I have to admit, that certainly was entertaining”
John “Yeah? Good, perhaps you’d like to go freshen up in the men’s room?”
Ken “I think that can wait a few minutes, what I do need is another drink, for some reason I seem to be extremely parched”
John laughed loudly and gave Ken a light jab on the shoulder as he handed over another napkin to his friend. He could see that his special treat had hit the mark and he had to admit, Sebastian had been an excellent choice. For a second or two he wondered if perhaps he would avail himself of some of Sebastian’s other services but once more he let his mind keep his desires under control as he turned to stare over at the small group of table dancers. He certainly enjoyed at least looking at them, and for a mere instant he once more considered what it would be like to actually touch them, to feel their fine young athletic body’s entwined around his own but he quickly suppressed the notion, knowing it would only lead to frustration and self recriminations. He had enough of those to last him eternity as he turned away from the group of fine boy flesh to summon a waiter for more drinks when out of the corner of his eye he was drawn to the tall purposeful young man he had noticed earlier.
For a brief second or two their eyes locked and John felt a strange lump in his throat as he stared into the boy’s face. There was something tugging at him but he couldn’t figure out what as his heart skipped a beat or two and his pulse raced a little. IT was weird and made him slightly nervous as he had never really felt this way before, at least not for a long time, hell not for almost 40 odd years and that thought began to scare him. He quickly turned away but as much as he willed himself not to, he couldn’t help but sneak another glance and to his amazement he found the young man still looking at him.
He leaned back into the seat, his mind confused as images of Brad suddenly became less clear as they were now mixed with the face of the strange young man who seemed to still be watching him. He did look familiar and yet he knew that he had never met the boy, still it was rather pleasant to see someone as handsome as he was staring at him. For the life of him he didn’t know why he would given his age and all but still it did feel nice in one sense, scary in another as he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was about to happen.
‘When in doubt, deflect’ was his motto and he quickly averted his eyes from that direction even though it was somehow not quite so easy as it usually was. Something about that boy had struck him in a way he couldn’t explain but he finally mastered the strange urgings of his heart and turned his attention to once more securing some refreshments for him and his friend, his friend who was soon to be thousands of miles away from him. Sadness grew inside as he stared at Ken for a moment longer than he should because Ken noticed and cocked his head to one side, a questioning glance in his eyes.
Ken “It’s not going to be easy is it John?”
John “What isn’t? Teaching you the finer points of indulgence?”
Ken “That too but you know what I mean”
John “I suppose I do, but let’s not talk about it now, let us just enjoy the night for as long as we can”
Ken “We can’t ignore it forever you know”
John “I know, but not now, okay?”
Ken could see and even feel John’s pain as he spoke and he felt very touched by it too. He had moved around a lot in his years as a Priest for the order, sometimes staying several years in one parish and each time he left he had felt a sense of sadness, a sense of loss really and there had been many he had called friends but none were as close to him as John had become and now that would be ending in a fashion. He knew people had liked him but seeing John just now, made it different than all the others who had shown their sadness at his departure. This was entirely different and for some strange reason he felt pleased that someone like John could care so much about him. It was kind of nice and sad all at the same time.
Ken “I think I need to visit the boy’s room, where is it?”
John “Just past the bar over there, sure you are okay to go now?”
Ken “Yes thank you very much, the excitement has finally subsided I believe”
John “Oh? Well I am sure we can do something about that upon your return”
Ken “I think not, you have done more than enough in that department for one night thank you very much”
John “Haha, oh but the night is young still, just you wait and see”
Ken “Oh merciful God why did I ever let you talk me into this?”
John “Why because you are naturally curious and need to have your horizons broadened, and who better than me to help illuminate your needs?”
Ken “I can think of several better suited, but I suppose you will do”
John “And just who do you think could do better than an almost Saint?”
Ken “You mean other than anyone here? Gee I don’t know, perhaps the Professor?”
John “Oh you are so cruel, and here I am merely trying to make a pleasant outing for my favourite Priest, the trials one must endure to achieve my saintly status”
There really was no answer to that one and he just laughed as he slowly pulled himself out from behind the table, his hand resting where only minutes earlier young Sebastian had been standing. The table seemed so alive and he could still smell his touch but he quickly banished the images from his mind or he’d never make it to the men’s room unobserved. His laughter rolled still as he saw the way John was looking and he smiled down at his friend, wishing that they could talk about his leaving without being rushed but knowing John it wouldn’t happen until the very last second, when time would be pressing. He sighed as he made his way from the table, passing a tall young man who seemed to glare at him for a moment or two but then turned his attention elsewhere.
As he made his way thru the throng of people in the bar his mind speculated on the brief glance from the young man. There was something almost like hate or anger in his glare that troubled him and he couldn’t figure it out, as he was certain he hadn’t met or come across the man before. He had to admit though, the youth was certainly attractive and well proportioned too and he scolded himself for his thoughts, knowing that it was a natural thought but still, as John had said the night was indeed young and if he knew anything about his friend, there would certainly be more treats in store so he had better keep his wits about him.
John watched as Ken made his way thru the crowded bar towards the bar and the restrooms, wondering if he could ever find another person to share the friendship they had? Strange but he had never really let himself get close to people, not in many a year and yet it was the one thing he knew he really desired, hell that he desperately wanted really. Funny how the things you wanted the most frightened you the most? He sighed a little as he shook his head and stared down at his almost empty bottle of beer. He held it in his hands and stared at it as if the answers to his problems were somehow contained within the brown liquid but as much as he wished for those answers, he also knew he didn’t want to hear them or know them.
Quickly he took a long pull on the beer and drained it. Slowly he lowered the bottle and he choked a bit as standing at the table, staring at him was that purposeful young man he had noticed several times already. The youth stood there with four bottles of Red Rock beer in his two hands and John could see his eyes very clearly now, and he felt a strange warmth creeping into his body as he looked at him. God what a good looking young man he thought as he tried to keep his wits about him, wondering what it was about this particular young man that was giving him such fits.
Robert “Uh, Hi…”
John “Hi”
Robert “Uh, you look like you need another, here”
John watched in amazement as the young man reached across the table and placed two of the bottles from one hand in front of him and then stepped back a little. it was strange too, that he had exactly the brand he enjoyed most in beer, and he felt a slight chill in his bones as he stared at the young man, taking in how straight he stood, how his head was perfectly erect, his shoulders squared, his legs slightly parted to give him perfect balance, almost as if the youth was on parade or something. There was no mistaking the military air about him but what attracted him the most was that look in his eyes. They were so dark and mysterious looking despite their soft powder blue colouring and yet the look was so purposeful, so deep and enticing that it held him mesmerized.
John “Thanks but I am fine, I can get my own…”
Robert “Please, I got it for you”
His face grew white and he leaned back into the seat staring at the young man in front, fear starting to rise up inside and for a moment he wondered if this was some type of con or if maybe some setup? His nerves were on edge as he quickly glanced around the bar, wondering if he could summon help without risk or what but then his eyes saw the look, saw the fear in the young man’s face and he relaxed a little knowing that as frightened as he was, so too was this young stranger.
John “Well… that is nice of you but, uh…”
Robert “uh, I know this sounds weird, but I ship out in a few weeks”
John “Well, I don’t know what to say, I really don’t think that…”
Robert “Please, uh my name is Rob, well Robert Lawson actually, can I sit for a minute? Just a minute please…”
A strange shiver went down his spine as he listened to the halting voice of the young man and as much as he felt that this was a mistake he simply nodded, letting the youth join him at the far end of the booth. His heart was strangely silent as he could hear the first hesitant words that came back to haunt him from an earlier time and life when the whole world seemed so fresh, so vibrant even though he was in some strange foreign land. He could hear Brad’s voice as he hesitantly introduced himself to him aboard the Huey that was ferrying them and several others to their base camp several miles from
John “My friend should be back soon…”
Robert looked up at John’s face and he was shocked to see fear etched in the man’s eyes and he shuddered knowing that he was the cause of the fear. His heart skipped several beats because he knew he was handling this badly but he couldn’t back away, not now when he was so close and he breathed in deeply, smelling John’s cologne. It was like a fire was being fuelled deep inside of him as he wrapped his fist around a beer and took a long quick drink from it, draining almost half of it in one swell swoop.
Robert “Sorry, guess this is a bit weird, just that, well… I am sorry, but you have haunted me since New Years Eve, when I first saw you”
John “Huh? Haunted you? I don’t quite…”
Robert “I wish I had more time, but… you are so, so damn attractive…. Christ I am screwing this up royally…”
John was stunned by the words and was speechless for a second or two and as his eyes focused a little he saw Robert starting to leave, starting to exit the booth and despite the screaming of his brain he reached out with one hand, brushing against Robert’s sleeve as he spoke, asking Robert to wait.
The touch had almost been like being hit by a bolt of lightning and Robert felt his body shake as the sensation rolled thru every part of him. He could feel his legs shaking and his whole body was trembling and he had no choice but to sit back down again or else he would surely fall face first onto the floor, definitely not a good way to impress John. Strange, but he felt so nervous and yet happy, just having heard John speak to him was unbelievable and now he had touched him, and like a school kid he wondered if he’d ever wash his arm again.
John “You surprise me, did someone put you up to this?”
Robert “Up to… no no I meant it, I am sorry, I am not good at this stuff, I mean I can jump out of a plane at a few thousand feet into enemy territory but when it comes to meeting people I like, am attracted to… well I might as well be a duck out of water…”
John “Well I’d say you have a different opening line than I am used to but, well, you have my interest, Robert is it?”
Robert “Yes, Rob if you prefer”
John “Robert is fine. Well Robert, go on, I am listening”
John stared intently into Roberts face and he could see the eyes growing wet and he saw the beads of sweat all around his face too and he knew that whatever it was that this kid wanted, he was certainly not some professional hustler or trickster. In fact he seemed quite genuine too and each passing second only made him feel like he was walking down a path he had long since avoided but he couldn’t stop himself. It was like the brakes had worn out and his once proud iron self control was nothing but mush in the face of this young man.
Robert “I don’t know if I can really, explain it that is, just that, well when I saw you back on New Years Eve, there was, I don’t know sort of a surge of something, a kind of bolt maybe that turned me all weird inside. I haven’t been able to get you out of my dreams and I know… before you say it that you are older than me, but I can’t help it, I never felt this way before, never, you have to believe me”
John “Well I am flattered Robert, but you said it yourself, I am much older than you, you can’t be what, 26 or 25?”
Robert “25, but that’s just a number, it doesn’t mean anything”
John “I am afraid it does, I just don’t know what it is you want that you think I can give you, I mean I am not rich or anything…”
Robert “I don’t’ want money, I don’t want anything like that, I just want a chance”
John “A chance? A chance for what?”
Robert “A chance to know you, in any way you will let me, I don’t know, as maybe a friend? Maybe just someone to go to a movie with or someone to phone or write to, anything, I’ll take whatever you are comfortable with”
John “Well that is different, but what is it you want? Somehow I don’t think it is some grandfather type to take you to a movie, not at your age”
Robert “No, I don’t see you that way, I know I am not saying this right, but, uh, my dream, my hope, is that you would, would want me as a, as a boyfriend. There I said it”
His first instinct was to laugh but as he looked hard into Robert’s face he saw that the young man was serious, that he really did mean what he was saying. Strange, he had known a few young men Robert’s age, most of them looked at him as an old grandfather who enjoyed the company of youth as most men his age did and yet that wasn’t how Robert looked at him. He saw it in the way he would glance at him from under his eyelashes, the way he would try to sneak a look without being noticed and as he sat there, he knew it was real.
Maybe he hadn’t a lot of experience in love but what he saw was just that. Robert had somehow fallen for him and the look he had was the same look he had seen only twice before in his life. One was from his wife who passed away from Cancer in 1980 and the other time was from Brad who never left
John “I am flattered I think, I am 35 years older than you plus I don’t know a thing about you”
Robert “I know it sounds crazy, and so what if you are 35 years older, age isn’t what makes a person desirable, it is the person inside that does and for me, you do that. I know, it is crazy, I told myself that dozens of times since New Years, but it doesn’t change how I feel. As for me, I am Airborne…. at
Robert finally summoned up enough courage to look directly at John as he spoke, and he could see the twinkle in the man’s eyes too, giving him some hope as he spoke and gave John the short version of who he was. He didn’t know if he was succeeding or not because he couldn’t read John, couldn’t get past the obvious barriers and yet he did see some cracks, did see some chance which spurred him on. He wished he had more time, wished he wasn’t being shipped out in a few weeks, but he couldn’t change that, all he could do was his best now and hope for the best.
John “Don’t’ sell yourself short on the looks department but still, you are so young and you have a whole future ahead of you, why would you want to tie yourself up with someone like me?”
Robert “I remember in school, an English Lit teacher told me once, love is blind and yet it always knows where it is, and if love is blind, can’t it also be age neutral? I mean if two guys can fall in love or a guy and a girl, where does it say they have to be of a close age or anything else? Isn’t all that counts that they care for each other?”
John “Perhaps, but you can’t know if you love someone by just one glance, one look”
Robert “Yes you can, I think you know that, it is just that it may take time to realize it, for me I think I already know”
He was amazed at Roberts’s depth of understanding and yet frightened by it too and even someone whimsical about it as well. Hell, it was an argument he had used himself when teaching English and to think, here was someone so young who still remembered what he had learned back in High School. God those brought back some interesting memories too and as he sat there he realized that he was hooked. It scared him because he knew nothing could come from this relationship and yet he couldn’t bring himself to send the young man away.
With Brad it had been very different because they were both young then and the weight of the world didn’t matter to them. They lived for the day and not tomorrow because back then, there seemed to be endless tomorrows awaiting them but now, now was much different for him and he could feel his age even if Robert said it didn’t matter John knew that it did. Still he was hooked and as he saw Ken slowly making his way thru the crowd he still didn’t try to get rid of the young man.
Robert saw the way John looked past him and he knew that whoever the guy was that had come with John was returning and his time was running out. He had been buoyed by the fact that John hadn’t rejected him out of hand but he didn’t know what else he could do to convince him to let him stay. He felt a strange sadness because he felt like he had failed and he turned around to see the other man coming closer, his time alone becoming less with each breath he took and there was nothing he could do about it.
Robert “I guess I should go…”
John had seen how Robert had suddenly become dejected and crestfallen and he saw the sadness grow as the young man turned and recognized Ken coming back towards them both. Part of him was elated that at last Ken was returning, coming back to save him but deep in his heart he didn’t want Robert to leave. His mind argued that it would be for the best, that nothing but grief could come from continuing this insane fantasy of some snip of a boy but his heart proved the stronger, further surprising him.
John “No, stay and join us”
Robert “Are you sure? I mean won’t your friend object?”
John “Him? No way, he enjoys having lots of young people around, I think it is one of the reasons he became a Priest”
Robert “A what? He’s a…”
Ken thought that maybe he was at the wrong end of the bar as he saw two people sitting at the table he thought was his and John’s but as he got closer he knew it was the right table and that his friend was entertaining some good looking young man. Suddenly he stopped as he recognized the young man as being the one who had shot him the piercing angry look when he had left for the bathroom. Well, this was certainly interesting and he wondered if perhaps his friend had been keeping something most interesting from him as he came up to the table, determined to not let this opportunity pass him by. As he came up he noticed how different John seemed to be to him, almost as if he was another person as there was a certain animation about him, a certain glow even and he wondered if the young man sitting at the table had anything to do with that?
Ken “Hello, am I interrupting some nefarious plot of yours John?”
John glanced up at Ken and smiled at him and in that one brief moment their eyes met and he could see the myriad of questions rising up in his friend and then it all went blank as he saw something else, something akin to understanding dawning on Ken and in that moment he forgot his caution, his reserve and he let the words that Robert had said find there way deep inside of him, where no other man had ever reached for over 40 years. John suddenly felt the tremble inside, as if a giant had suddenly been awakened from a century of sleep and as much as his mind fought him, he knew that in this his heart would do battle in such a way that he actually doubted if his reason or logic could win out.
John “Nefarious plot? See Robert what I have to go thru, here I am nearing Sainthood and this Priest accuses me of plotting, I tell you it just isn’t fair, and I think its just jealousy on his part, he wanted Sainthood but has fallen far short”
Ken “Sainthood again, you have a one track mind my friend, so one track that you don’t even introduce your friends to each other? Hi there, I am Father Ken and you are?”
Robert “Uh, Robert, Robert Lawson”
Ken “Well glad to meet you Robert Lawson”
He reached out to offer his hand to the young man and when he took it, he felt a strange clamminess and as he stared into the young man’s face he knew he had been right in his assumptions. yes this was indeed going to be an interesting evening and as John had said, it was still very early in the evening as he sat down, seeing the smile on John’s face as Robert slid over to sit between them both.
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About the Author: I enjoy writing, it is why this site exists. I hope you enjoy the stories as well, after all, that is what it is all about.