Chapter 42
Dave Bartlett
He leaned back against the chain link fence and squinted a bit as the sun was shining more or less directly into his eyes. Dave cursed a bit to himself for forgetting his shades but then he seemed to be forgetting a lot of things lately. Ever since he had watched the news he had felt so angry and so hurt and then too the memories kept coming back, memories he wished he’d never had. Strange, for the last couple of years he had almost forgotten them, only now and again had they come to haunt him in the middle of the night but now it was all he could think about once more. He hated it and tossed his head back a little, tossing his long dark strands of hair from the side of his face to flow down his lanky shoulders and back.
It was already getting a bit warm and he wondered about tossing his t-shirt off but then he stared at the two boys on the court, and his anger came back to him once more. It was something that worried him too, the way he could suddenly just feel like being in a rage, no way out, and all he wanted to do was hit someone, to strike out and his dark green eyes narrowed as they focused on the one boy with the blond hair, watching his every move as he dribbled the basketball, trying to get past Bobby. The strange hatred inside seemed to be growing and he knew it wasn’t right but he couldn’t stop it. It just didn’t seem fair and yet as his eyes continued to narrow, his hands became balled up into two solid balls of knuckles and bone. The veins on top grew larger as the blood rushed to the hands as they tightened even further into balled fists of pure hatred.
So much had changed in the last year, his mom and step dad moving to a new house in Lakehill, having to change schools from Esquimalt to Mount Doug where the past came rushing up to hit him like a ton of bricks. The instant he had seen Justin he felt the pain, the anger and the desire too. Of course he never said anything and neither did Justin. It was like he didn’t even know him but then that too was normal. His name had changed along with his looks, he was no longer skinny and short haired, but you would of thought that with what they had shared a couple of times that Justin would remember him, still he hadn’t really cared too much about that. It was Robbie that had floored him. He had expected Robbie to remember him but despite all the hints he had thrown out, Robbie had never batted an eye and now there he was, on television telling everyone he was not only queer but that he had a special person.
It just wasn’t fair and his face grew taut as he set his jaw, glaring now at the boy playing one on one with Bobby Jaworski. Dave knew it was wrong but he hated the kid, barely knew him but he hated him none the less. His body was suddenly growing very taut and he could feel each muscle tightening, almost choking him as he stared at Joel and felt his anger growing more intense, more deliberate. His fists ached as he held them tightly in his lap as he continued to stare, hatred pouring from his glance and yet the two boys didn’t even notice. They were so busy playing that neither of them had seen his look change from indifference to pure anger. They just played and it hurt him, feeling almost as if they were ignoring him even though both had said hello when he showed up.
Sitting there, with his back on the now warm metal of the fence, he tried to cool down, tried to make sense of the sudden anger that kept coming to him, and as he struggled with it, memories of times with Robbie flashed before him. He kept seeing that time they were out at Thetis, the way Robbie had placed his arm around him and hugged him, the way Justin had whined about it and how then the three of them hugged each other. It all came to him once more as he almost could feel again that soft brush of warm lips on his forehead from Robbie and then the soft caress of Robbie’s hand against his hip, the way the fingers had lightly touched his bare skin above his cut offs. He shivered a little as he felt it again and a tear came to his eyes, and he wondered what it was he had done that had made Robbie abandon him? What had he done so wrong that Robbie hadn’t come to him and sought him out for companionship instead of that other one, that boy’s older brother?
Christ he had tried to be everything Robbie had wanted, had done everything Robbie had asked of him, taken the lessons and tried to do them right, so why? Why had Robbie suddenly stopped? Why had Robbie pushed him away and stopped giving him the lessons? Hadn’t he shown that he was willing enough? Was that it?
Dave searched his memory and tried to figure it out, to find what it was he had done that had made Robbie stop but he couldn’t think of any one incident, one example where he hadn’t been willing, or eager even to do whatever it was Robbie had wanted. So why the brush off? He had done it with his brother lots of times, he knew that and he knew too that Robbie and Justin had done it a few times, practise they had called it. So what was it about him that made them both stop? What was it that he had done that had made the one person who had meant anything to him, other than his own older brother, leave him so suddenly?
“Hey Dude… you look like you are ready to kill… what’s up?”
Dave almost jumped at the sound of the voice and he turned his head quickly to see where it was coming from before he recognized the voice. His hands relaxed a little and he breathed out as he stared up at Neil.
“Hey, didn’t think you’d be around.”
“Yeah, fuck man, that was one wild night that I don’t want to go through again.”
“Tell me, uh… how’d you get off?”
“His old man… wouldn’t press charges.”
Dave turned away from Neil for a second to stare at the 5ft 10in boy that Neil had indicated, and once more the anger seemed to be welling up inside of him and yet he couldn’t explain it, but there was something else tugging at him, making him sweat a little even as he stared at Joel, wondering what it was about him and about his brother that made Robbie go to them instead of his own kind?
“Oh? How come, thought he would have wanted you in the electric chair or something.”
“Yeah, guess he realized that he was in enough shit; and Walt was there too, guess he didn’t want to tangle with him.”
“Walt? Wow, that is awesome dude.”
It sounded okay and yet even as he had said it that damn voice deep down inside of him seemed to, well, seemed to be barfing or something. Neil couldn’t explain it but even as Walt had smiled, had laughed and told his mom that not even some Jewish Rabbi could stand up to what was true for very long, that the yellow streak they all had would eventually show, just as it had tonight. He had laughed with Walt and yet the look on his mom’s face had scared him a bit. She didn’t laugh or even smile, she just stared at Walt like he was some madman.
“I guess… I don’t know, still… was kind of freaky.”
“Did they… uh…”
“Don’t sweat it, didn’t tell them dick, now don’t have to think about it even.”
“Cool!”
Neil let his taller body slink down to the concrete and he too leaned up against the chain linked fence. His eyes watched the way Bobby and Joel were playing and he wondered what Bobby thought he was doing, playing one on one with the enemy? Christ he was best friends with Justin, how could he be out here now playing with one of them, one who had done something that had caused Justin to die. His own anger and confusion grew inside as he leaned up against the warm metal of the fence, his eyes narrowing as well, as he stared at the two boys out on the court.
“What’s with Bobby, man?”
“I don’t know, been sitting trying to figure that out.”
“Think maybe the Coach put him up to it?”
“Nah, he wouldn’t do that.”
“So what gives?”
“Haven’t a clue man, why don’t you ask him?”
“Why don’t you?”
“Don’t care I guess… I don’t know.”
“This is fucked man.”
“Tell me.”
He sat there, watching them play and he saw the sweat glistening off of Bobby’s naked shoulders, the sun making them look like drops of gold on his tanned skin and he wondered a little about Bobby. It was like he was always around but not, at least not in the sense that Dave or some of the others were around. He knew that Bobby had spent a weekend at the cabin but that was it, never seemed to be around since either, like maybe he had a falling out with Walt or something.
Neil shook his head a bit because he knew Walt was a tough taskmaster and maybe it was that Bobby just didn’t cut it. That could be it, course then how could Walt have let him become such a close friend to Justin? Walt didn’t put up with failures and Bobby had to be a failure, or at least just not willing to learn from Walt, so how did he become such good friends to Justin?
Christ, just thinking about Justin was tearing him apart. He could hear his voice, see him laughing even and the way Walt used to fawn over him, always punching him on the arm, always watching his every move, it was almost too much for him at times because it was exactly how he wished Walt would be with him, how he wished any father would be. Justin was so lucky, to have a dad like that and so was Robbie but something had gone wrong, something had changed and his attention was once more drawn to Joel Goldberg, and the hatred in his heart flickered and fanned upwards as he glared at the short haired blond boy.
Without even thinking he heard his voice yelling out, calling to Bobby and making them both stop their play to turn and stare at him and Dave. He saw the eyelids of Joel flash a little and then it was almost as if a shutter had been drawn down over the boy’s face as he stood there, his puny chest heaving as he looked over at him and Dave. For some reason his look only fuelled the anger inside of him as he once more hollered for Bobby to come over.
Bobby stared at the voice and he felt apprehensive as he recognized the angry calling voice. He felt strange inside as he held the basketball tightly in his two hands and stared over at Neil and Dave. He could see the way Neil was leaning on the fence, and even though he was sitting he could see the way every part of him looked tense and uptight. His eyes quickly turned towards Joel and he saw the hands suddenly drop to his side, the fingers flexing a little as if he knew what was coming, and almost as if he was debating on how he would deal with it while he, Bobby, stood there without a clue really.
With Neil’s second angry bark asking him to come over he suddenly knew what it was that his two friends wanted and he felt a sickness deep down inside. He had hoped that this would blow over, that after a night had passed, the sudden loss of his best friend and all would ease up some, that the wild anger everyone who knew Justin must be feeling would cool but looking at Dave and Neil, he realized that it had only increased.
He tossed the ball lightly to Joel, telling him he wouldn’t be long and he jogged slowly over to the fence to see what Neil wanted even though he was pretty sure what it was long before he got there.
“Yeah? What’s the panic dude?”
“What gives man, thought you and Justin were best buds?”
“We were…”
“So what the fuck you doing with him?”
“Him? Joel? Playing some one on one, something wrong with that?”
“Yeah, he is why Justin ain’t here anymore. Shit man, thought you and Justin were tight?”
“Fuck off Neil, he had nothing to do with what happened.”
“Yeah? You talked with Justin’s dad? Or didn’t you see the news last night?”
“I saw it.”
“So?”
“So what? You believe everything you hear from strangers?”
“Fuck no, but Walt sure as fuck thinks that way, he ain’t gonna be happy you hanging out with him.”
“Tough!”
“Christ man, Walt is a decent guy for an adult. He has helped a lot of us… shit you know that.”
”Lot of things I know Neil, since when did you become old man Fisher’s personal spokesman?”
“Fuck off Bobby, you know Neil is only saying the truth.”
“Truth? Christ Dave, no one knows the truth of what happened. Shit, why didn’t Justin go to his great Dad if he were hurting?”
“Maybe he got twisted like Robbie by them? Ever think of that smart ass?”
“Fuck you are the twisted one dude.”
“Me? Shit, you don’t see me playing paddy cakes with one of them.”
“Fuck off, Dave.”
“Yeah? You gonna make me?”
Bobby stared at his two friends and he could feel their anger and he wondered for a second if all this was worth it or not? For a moment or two he thought that maybe if he just backed off, if he just let them have their way he could avoid any more crap but inside he knew that wouldn’t work. Inside he knew that if he truly did love Justin as a brother, as a friend, he couldn’t stand aside, that somehow Justin wouldn’t have, and that gave him the courage he needed. His answer was spoken softly, but the glint in his eyes and the tautness of his body showed his willingness to do exactly what he said.
“If I have to Dave.”
Dave’s dark green eyes were like tiny slits as they narrowed and glared upwards into Bobby’s face. His heart was pounding and his hands grew numb from the press of his fingers into a solid ball and yet something about Bobby held him in place, kept him from leaping upwards and attacking his friend. He had known Bobby only a short time and yet there was something about him that had made him accept him, that had made him seek him out. Maybe it was the way he had noticed how sad or dejected he had been when Robbie and Justin barely paid him any attention, or maybe it was something else; but whatever it was, it was strong enough now to hold him back, to make his anger waiver a little inside, enough to make him pause.
“Christ will you two knock it off? Don’t you see, this is exactly how they get away with all their shit.”
“Fuck, who are they, Neil? You keep saying ‘they,’ who are ‘they’?”
“The Jews for God’s sake!”
Just the way Neil said it made him suddenly see Joel’s mom before him. He could see the look she had given him when he had gone to their place, the way she had reached out and looked deep down inside of him and then smiled at him. He could feel her eyes now, as if she were actually there, waiting to see how he would respond, waiting to see if what she had seen inside was real or not. He felt a strange ache inside as he looked down at his two friends and at their twisted angry faces.
“Oh fuck man, that is so out of it, and just what is it they are getting away with?”
“Man, sometimes Bobby, I wonder how you ever stay eligible for the fucking team! Christ, everyone knows they run everything or try to, the banks and shit, government, where you been?”
“Here man, playing basketball. That is so much shit man, that what old man Fisher teaching you?”
Bobby didn’t know why he had said that, but he saw the mark go home with both of his friends. He never realized it, but Dave hung around there, too; and maybe now that incident back at the Fisher cabin hadn’t been a misunderstanding after all. Maybe it was exactly what he had been afraid it was- but Dave? Neil? No fucking way could they be that way, then too Justin wasn’t either, so was he just imagining it all or what?
Neil heard the sarcasm and for a mere instant he wanted to leap up and smash his fist in Bobby’s face but he held back, knowing that while he might get a good shot or two in, Bobby could handle himself pretty well. Besides, it was what they would want, to have him and Bobby duking it out and he was damned if he’d let them have their way.
He breathed out slowly, trying to dissipate the rage that was building up inside of him, knowing that what Walter taught him was only the truth and what was best for him. No way was he going to let Walter down again, not now, not this way at least.
“Never mind what he teaches me dude, can’t you see it? They have us fighting while they get the good stuff… cause we are too busy fighting each other.”
“Hey, you called me over, remember?”
“Yeah well I thought you being Justin’s friend and all…”
Once more he fought for control as he tried to push back the anger, the rage that he felt for these guys. Damn them, didn’t they see how much he was missing Justin? How could they even think that it didn’t matter to him and worse, why did they have to make it out like something dark and all? Did they know something he didn’t?
His whole body was rigid and he could feel Joel’s eyes on him and he could see how he had edged forward a bit, and it gave him a strange sense of comfort too. It was almost as if Joel knew what was going on but wasn’t about to run, wasn’t going to cut and leave him to fight them if it came to that and he remembered Justin again, remembered how Justin always stood by him and he finally found the strength to calm down a little.
“I was Neil… knock it off. I don’t want to have to fight you guys but shit man, you aren’t gonna blame what happened to Justin on Joel or anyone else… fuck even the cops said that Joel and his brother did everything they could for Justin.”
“Yeah well they own the cops dude, shit, you are so dumb at times.”
“Fuck off with the dumb talk asshole, don’t see you scoring any big time A’s.”
“Least I score dude.”
There was that sneer again and as much as it pissed him off, he was able to keep cool, knowing that a fight was exactly what his so called friends were looking for. It didn’t really make sense though, after all they knew each other, they had gone to Thetis many times together, had gone to Esquimalt Lagoon more than a few times so how could they think he wasn’t as straight as they were? It didn’t make sense and yet that was exactly what they were saying to him.
“So? Now you wanna compare notes or something dude?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Don’t like what I think you mean Dave.”
“Well… that’s what you get for being buddy, buddy with one of them.”
“And what, cause his brother is, so is he?”
“Shit they all are, you know that.”
“No I don’t. How the fuck do you know that Dave, you got some inside info maybe?”
“FUCK OFF Bobby! You know I ain’t one of… I ain’t no queer.”
Dave’s face was getting redder by the second with lots of white blotches all over it and there was a vein in his forehead that suddenly seemed to grow and throb as he stared down at him. Bobby could see the sudden rage inside, see it in Dave’s eyes in a way that scared him a lot. How could he be so full of hate? What did Joel or his older brother do that had Dave so pissed, so willing to hurt?
Christ, he had never thought Dave was that way, that he could be so angry or so full of hate. It was strange the way he was so quick to yell about Joel and then about him not being queer, almost as if he were afraid that someone might actually think that, which was strange. Hell Dave was known for being a bit of a dickhead, always drooling over the girls and always trying to go out on dates with them, so why the big fear?
“Neither am I, so why don’t you cool the queer talk.”
Dave could feel Neil watching him and he felt Bobby’s eyes on him too, but he couldn’t help himself. The idea that someone might know, might find out how he really felt inside was becoming too much for him. For a second or two he thought back to his brother, and in that instant he thought maybe he knew just how Cory had felt, just how scared he must have been after it all had come out and how everyone had laughed at him, jeered him even. No, he knew exactly what it would be like if anyone ever knew and so he attacked, what else could he do?
There was no way he could say, ‘I feel that way’ or ‘I am that way’ and survive. There was no one he could talk to even about it, least there wasn’t now. He had hoped when they moved back to this area and he started school at Mount Doug that maybe Robbie would talk to him, could maybe explain it to him, but Robbie ignored him, just like Justin did and now they were both gone. Well Justin was and no way would Robbie talk to him now. No, he had no choice but to keep his secret no matter how much it hurt or how much pain it caused him and if that meant fighting Bobby too, well he could get over the bruises and stuff a lot faster than if he ignored the challenge.
“Cause he’s a faggot, probably does it with his brother, they all do.”
Bobby was ready, his feet were planted and he was leaning a bit to one side, waiting for Dave to spring up and strike but something seemed to hold him back, something seemed to keep him in place even though he shifted his body some, even though he kept his legs planted firmly as if ready to spring. He didn’t relax his guard either and he could feel Joel moving in closer, and there was something weird in Dave’s look, almost as if he were daring him to look closer or something.
“Oh, and you know this how? Fuck this is sick man.”
“Call it what you want, but if I were you, I’d think about who I play one on one with or hang with. You wanna stay team captain, don’t you?”
He had worked hard for this, to be accepted as Team Captain and even though he had gotten it over Justin, it hadn’t caused any problems between them, and now these guys, guys who he thought were friends, were willing to toss him aside for what? Some stupid rumour, some jerk ass comment by some fart on television? It didn’t make sense and he wished he knew what to do, how he could end this crap and even as he thought about it, he knew that he couldn’t stop being who he was. That was what got him the Team Captain position, and now the anger inside of him grew too, because he was tired of having to pretend to be something he wasn’t. Who he played with, who he hung with wasn’t their business, and it began to piss him off as his own eyes now narrowed and he thought about just reaching down and wiping that look off of Dave’s face.
“Oh and what, you gonna take it from me?”
“Maybe, if you don’t get on track.”
“Who’s track Dave? Yours?”
Dave felt Neil shifting next to him and he could feel Bobby’s growing resentment at him. Damn it, why did it always turn out this way? He only wanted Bobby to see the way things were and now Bobby was ready to pound him? Well he didn’t want to fight him, besides he didn’t think Neil would help out and then there was Joel too. Would he fight or would he run? Walt said that he would run if he could but the way he looked, it didn’t seem to him like Joel would take off like some scared chicken shit.
This wasn’t how he wanted it to be either, he could see that Bobby didn’t really want to but he wouldn’t back down, and that confused him. Why would he risk all that he had, his friends, his title, hell even his position on the team for some Jew? He didn’t buy into all that Neil and the rest had told him, didn’t buy into all the crap that old man Fisher spewed either, but Justin’s family were something in the community, you listened or at least let them think you were, so how come Bobby was going up against them?
Everything was all fucked up, he knew that as he tried to figure a way out of this mess, because he really liked Bobby and the guy had made him feel like he was part of the gang too, unlike Justin or even Neil for that matter. So why the fuck was he egging him on? Was it because he had what he, Dave, always wanted? Was that it?
“Not mine dude, the team man. We liked Justin, he was our friend too and he would have given us a championship man, doesn’t that mean shit to you?”
“Course it does, not as much as him being my friend meant dude… course you wouldn’t know about that would you, Dave?”
“FUCK You Bobby! Christ I knew Justin long before you did… we just had some differences, besides…”
The very instant that he spoke the words he knew he shouldn’t have. His whole body began to tremble as he saw the way Bobby’s eyes opened wider and then focused deeply onto his face. He could feel them searching him, reaching for him and he squirmed a little as he also could feel Neil staring at him. Damn it, why did Bobby have to push him like that? Why couldn’t he have just left it alone or better yet, simply agreed and let that Jew be alone? His heart was pounding as he saw the way Bobby kept looking at him, a strange look in his face and Dave lowered his eyes, staring at his feet.
“Besides what man? Justin didn’t know you, what crap you talking about now?”
“Yeah he did, just didn’t remember, was a ways back, before my mom remarried.”
“Yeah? So how come you never told him?”
Dave breathed a sigh of relief as he realized he had more or less diffused the situation for now but deep down in his heart he knew that it wouldn’t end here. Somehow he knew that what he had spoken in anger would come back to haunt him and he felt the fear once more, afraid to look at either Bobby or Neil and yet knowing he had to. Silently he prayed, willing himself to stare blankly up at Bobby and act like nothing was wrong, that it was nothing important.
“Never came up is all, doesn’t change the fact that him and his brother there didn’t help Justin… isn’t that enough?”
“Fuck dip stick, how the hell could they have? They were inside the apartment, Justin never buzzed it, so how the fuck were they supposed to know? A crystal ball?”
“How do you know he didn’t buzz the apartment? You only have their word for it.”
“And like they would lie about that? Christ man, you are whacked.”
“You’re the whacked one dude, even the news guy doesn’t buy their story.”
“Oh like he’d know? Christ Dave, give me a fucking break… they don’t know Justin, hell none of you really knew him either. I did, and I can see him not ringing the apartment, fuck he knew Robbie wasn’t there… he knew…”
Just the way Bobby’s voice trailed off shook Neil and he could see a small tear or at least what looked like one near the corner of Bobby’s eye. He felt a strangeness inside, one that seemed to be tapping at his insides as if to tell him something but he refused to listen. It didn’t make any sense, why wouldn’t Justin ring the buzzer but if he did know Robbie wasn’t there then it made even less sense to have gone there. What was it that Bobby thought he knew?
“Then why…”
“You figure it out Einstein.”
Dave stared blankly at Bobby and then turned his head to Neil, a questioning look in his eyes as he couldn’t make it out. Neil sat there, a fear rushing up and down his entire body as he looked into Bobby’s face and saw exactly what it was that Bobby was thinking. He felt like throwing up as he thought about it and he broke off the connection between him and Bobby. His head moved towards the cement and he stared down at his feet, thinking about what Bobby had implied and it couldn’t be true, or so his mind kept saying but deep down, that stupid nagging voice was once more screaming at him, telling him what was really true and what wasn’t.
He could feel the Rabbi’s eyes on him as he finally once more looked up at Bobby. He could almost feel the man’s breath again and even hear his voice as he stared into Bobby’s deep brown eyes. They connected and it scared him because that voice inside continued to hammer at him, continued to tell him things he didn’t want to hear and so he leapt up, standing on his feet and glaring. His hands were at his side balled up into fists and out of the corner of his eye he saw Joel moving forward, his hands at his side too and he realized that Joel wouldn’t run, that he would stand and fight if called upon.
“That’s crap Jaworski, you know that.”
“No, I wish the fuck it was Neil, I really fucking do.”
“It is… no fucking way is that true man… Justin would never… he wasn’t like Robbie man, he wasn’t a coward dude.”
“No, Justin wasn’t a coward. He was just tired man, tired of the shit, just like Robbie was.”
His rage filled him and as he felt his fist strike his thigh and his breath grew short he couldn’t accept what Bobby had said. He knew them, he knew Justin just as well as Bobby, if not even better. He was the one that Justin practised with not Bobby, so how could he know? How could he even think that way? No, it wasn’t true, it couldn’t be true because if it were, then why hadn’t Justin said something to him or to Walt even? Surely Walt would know, he knew everything, so how could it be true?
“Fuck that! No… no way dude, you are way wrong.”
“Am I? Christ I hope so, I really do hope so.”
Neil could see that Bobby really believed in that shit and as much as he knew it was bullshit there was something that still wouldn’t let him leave it alone, that refused to let him push that crap out of his thoughts. He hated Bobby for mentioning it, for giving voice to it and yet inside, that damn voice was nattering at him, telling him that all things were possible, that not everything was as simple or as black and white as some might wish, as some might hope. He felt his body shake a little as he let his hands relax, as the fists no longer were clenched and yet he felt the anger still, but he wasn’t sure at whom he was angry. Was he mad at Bobby for what he had said or was it himself that he was angry with, for not seeing what Bobby had seen; or worse, was it because of Walt?
“You are. I ain’t staying here listening to this shit, you coming Dave?”
“Huh? Uh, yeah, yeah I am coming… uh… “
“Let’s go then man, hop it.”
Bobby watched his two friends leave; their hurried departure without even a goodbye was enough for him to know that this wouldn’t end here. He sighed knowing that what he had said had shocked Neil and that eventually even Dave would figure it out, if he ever got off his anger kick. Christ, the guy had a short fuse, almost as bad as Justin’s had been but in a different way and yet, almost the same.
For Justin it was something deep inside, some sort of secret that made him react with such anger, such violence at times and as he watched Dave walking away, he could see part of Justin reflected in the walk. His heart ached for his friend, wondering what secret could be so terrible, so horrible that it made him turn into a bully at times, a real jerk even? As he thought about it, he could see Justin’s dad’s face as he talked to Bobby that time at the cabin, the way his eyes had stared at him and at how his hands seemed to be flinching so much. He felt that shame coming to him again as he once more visualized Walter’s face leering at him, the way his eyes were focused on Bobby’s crotch and once more the thought of what secret could make Justin and Robbie both do what they did, suddenly no longer seemed to be a secret.
“Uh Bobby… hey, uh, you okay man?”
For a second he thought it was Justin’s voice and he felt like he was waking up from a terrible nightmare but then he recognized Joel’s voice and knew that the nightmare was real, and worse that it was only going to get worse. He felt suddenly sick to his stomach as his face went ashen white and he struggled to keep the vomit down, to not puke now. With a great deal of effort he managed to control the gurgling urges in his stomach as he turned to see Joel standing almost next to him, the basketball nowhere in sight.
“Yeah… I am cool.”
“Uh huh… look, uh, I couldn’t help but hear… and uh…”
“Don’t pay them no mind, they are just upset, we all were pretty tight, ya know?”
“Yeah, look, I mean it really is cool if you want to bail.”
“Bail?”
“Ya, I mean, hanging with me right now isn’t exactly a popular move, and well…”
“Guess not, but why should I bail? Didn’t see you running.”
“Running? I couldn’t do that, I mean, they were pissed because of me, I couldn’t just leave to let you…”
“Exactly… guess its why I won’t either… besides, I don’t think I’d want to hang with them much right now, not what you’d call a good crowd.”
“But they are your friends.”
“Are they? Maybe if they ever cool down, but I don’t know… it’s funny Joel, I mean Justin and I, we had our fights man, but you know, he never once refused to back me up? Not once man, even when I was fucking wrong and we were on the outs, he stood by me, I never… I never got to tell him that…”
Joel felt uneasy, unsure of what to do as he saw the tears begin to roll down Bobby’s face. It was amazing to him, how this stranger really had suddenly put everything he had on the line for him, and he still didn’t quite understand why either. He felt so ashamed too, wishing he knew what to say or to do to help Bobby who obviously was missing his friend and unlike Dave or Neil, Joel could see that what Bobby felt for Justin wasn’t about championships or anything like that. He stood there, silent, looking down at his own feet and trying to figure out what to say or do, his eyes peering up at Bobby from under his eyelashes, when he heard the soft voice coming from behind him.
“It’s okay Bobby, Justin knew how you felt, he didn’t need you to say the words.”
Bobby couldn’t believe the pain that was tearing at his heart and he struggled to stop the tears, ashamed of acting like a baby in front of Joel and yet in a way knowing that Joel would understand. It hurt so much to know that he could never tell Justin how much he cared for him, how much his friendship meant to him, that he thought his body would explode.
The sound of the soft voice startled him as he lifted up his head to see who it was. His hand came up to try and brush away the tears before they were noticed but stopped half way to his face as he looked out into a face that only made his heart quiver and shake. His whole body seemed to tremble for a brief moment and then he recognized that it wasn’t Justin’s face, but Robbie’s.
Just for that split second Robbie appeared to him like Justin despite the differences in their looks. His heart thundered as he stared into Robbie’s blue eyes and as Robbie placed his hand on Joel’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze before moving past and coming towards him. He gulped for air as Robbie stood before him now, his hands at his side for a moment and then he let them fall open, and suddenly Bobby found himself falling forward, his head buried suddenly into the warm chest of Robbie. His body shuddered as Robbie’s arms came around and held him tightly in their grasp and Bobby felt the tears rushing forward, felt them roaring out and soaking deep into the warm chest of Robbie who only held him tighter, softly telling him it was okay, that Justin knew, that it was all okay.
Joel watched them standing there as several minutes passed by. He could hear the sobs of pain and he could even hear Robbie’s voice as it soothed Bobby’s aching heart. He felt strangely happy though, watching the way Robbie comforted Bobby and he smiled a bit to himself, wondering what had brought Robbie here at this time and then he looked upwards. He stared up into the deep blue sky, small white clouds skirting across the deep blue and he thought about God for a second or two. He had never really thought much about him, about what he was or who he was, but he had always felt like he had believed in him, and now looking up at the sky, hearing Robbie’s soft whispers, he knew that he still did believe and in his heart he thanked HIM for that.
Soon the sobs ended and Bobby no longer felt so hurt, so alone either and he let himself move away a bit from Robbie’s chest. He could see the wet spot where his tears had drenched the t-shirt that Robbie was wearing but he didn’t pull back, didn’t try to break the grasp that was still loosely around his body. Bobby looked up into the face, and he saw Robbie’s pain too, saw that it was deeper than his own and yet also the same and he felt a strange closeness to Robbie that he had never felt before. His eyes moved past Robbie’s face and he saw Joel still standing there, silent and yet, while he might not have said anything, Bobby was certain that he could hear him, hear him echoing what Robbie had said to him too.
Finally Bobby was able to get full control and he stepped back, letting Robbie’s hands fall away. He felt a little embarrassed by his crying jag and yet as he lifted his head up to look at Robbie, he didn’t feel any remorse for his actions. Instead a strange sense of pride began to well up inside and the embarrassment seemed to pass as he saw Joel step a bit closer too. In that light, he looked at them both and knew that at least in Joel he had a friend, maybe one as good and as true as Justin had been. It gave him some comfort as he spoke.
“Sorry about that… guess it just kind of all hit me… sorry for…”
“It’s okay Bobby, it is good to let go sometimes, so I am finding out.”
“Yeah? Still…”
“Been there bro…”
He seemed so at ease with it, almost like the old Robbie had been and yet there was a difference to him, almost like the hidden tension was almost gone from him. Unlike Justin you never saw an outward sign of the pent up anger or rage inside but you could see it none the less in his voice or in his eyes, but now it seemed like it had left him. Bobby couldn’t be sure but maybe it was a good thing for Robbie to have come out like that, sure as hell seemed to have relaxed him some. Maybe if Justin had let loose, had let whatever demons were raging inside him out he wouldn’t have… but thinking like that wouldn’t help, in fact it only made his heart ache all over again and yet, with Robbie there it didn’t seem like he had to hide how he felt either and so the moment passed once more.
“Thanks man, they uh, they didn’t understand him, you know? He wasn’t just a jock like they all think…”
“No they didn’t, not many did really, ‘cept you it seems.”
“I guess.”
There was so much he wanted to say to Bobby, to ask him even but he couldn’t, not yet, not right now. He had heard some of the shit coming from Neil and Dave and when Dave had said that he and Justin had known him, he had looked hard at him, wondering why he did look familiar, wondering why, when he first showed up at the basketball court, that seeing Dave sitting there he suddenly felt a strange pain in his heart. It still didn’t make any sense to him but the way Dave quickly tried to hide his slip only made him look at him closer. He wished he could have gotten a better look, but he had hung back, not willing to add any more fuel to the fire.
The words had hurt too and even Bobby’s remarks had struck a nerve inside of him. His whole body had shook as he knew that Justin’s secret wasn’t safe anymore, and he felt the pain of knowing that it wouldn’t be long before his own dark deep secrets would be splashed all over town. His body ached and trembled a little as he had listened to the angry retorts of those who were supposed to have been Justin’s friends against the solid defence by Bobby, who Robbie knew was truly Justin’s friend.
He had watched too as Joel had kept moving closer, his body growing more taut with each step he took and that too had made him feel a bit more hopeful. Between Bobby’s unwavering loyalty to Justin and Joel’s own determination to remain close, to be at the ready, gave him a sense of peace that felt good for a change. He no longer felt alone either, a thought that suddenly appeared to him and shook him a bit. For maybe the first time in his life Robbie had to admit that he really wasn’t alone, that he had people to rely on and that they would not judge him either.
“Yeah… uh look, uh Ad… I mean Mrs Goldberg sent me for Joel, to tell him lunch was about ready… ”
“Oh, well, guess I should head home then, uh, I’ll uh…”
“Whoa, not so fast. She wanted to have me tell you she had an extra place set for you too… besides, I ain’t telling her you don’t like her cooking.”
Strange at how sad he had felt when he thought that he couldn’t go with Joel to have lunch and yet hearing the way Robbie was teasing him, it was almost as if things were normal, as if all the crap had simply vanished or been some stupid dream. He knew it was real and he wondered how Robbie could do it, but then looking at him, seeing the glow in his eyes, he thought maybe he had an idea of what it was that was giving Robbie that strength. He wished he could have someone like that in his life, and maybe he could one day, still he hoped it would be a girl.
“I never said that… Christ man you gonna get me killed…”
“Guess that means you joining us for lunch?”
“Huh? But… yeah guess so… she really said that?”
“Yep… and, uh, look if you guys want, maybe after, we can shoot some hoops together?”
“The three of us?”
“Well maybe if Joel here begs real well, he might get Josh to join us.”
There was something different about Robbie that he hadn’t seen so far. When he and his dad had come home there had been some tense moments, some tears even but Robbie never said a word, he just let Josh hold him and hug him, and squeeze his hand but he never said a word really and yet now, here he was teasing Bobby and now it seemed like he too was on the receiving end of that Fisher charm. Christ no wonder Josh fell for the guy. When he smiled, you could almost faint if you were into guys and he wondered if Josh did? Strange, to think of your brother acting like some school girl but then again, maybe it really wasn’t any different for them then it was for normal couples?
“If I beg? Shit…”
“Well who else?”
“Oh I don’t know… you perhaps? I mean shit, just look at him and bat your eyes, he’ll come running…”
For a brief moment Robbie looked at Joel, wondering if this was just Joel joining in on the fun or was he taking a shot at him and Josh? He knew he had a thin skin and he did start this, but then again after all, he had seen he felt wary, unsure until he looked deeply into Joel’s face. He saw the twinkle there and he knew that it was no shot, that Joel might still have questions but he now at least accepted him. That was all he really needed as he laughed loudly and slapped Joel on the back, grinning at Bobby as well.
“Haha… he would wouldn’t he? Okay… I’ll bat my eyes, but uh, Joel…”
“Yes?”
“Maybe you should show me how to do that first? Seeing as how you seem to know…”
“Shit”
“Okay, okay, I won’t press it…. come on guys. Whatever it is your mom is making Joel, sure as hell smelled good when I left.”
“Awesome guy, think there is any more of that pastry stuff she gave us the other day? That was so awesome.”
“Maybe, not sure but I know she and Josh did bake last night.”
It felt like he was in a whole new time and that all the crap, all the shit that had gone on was suddenly vaporized into space. He could see the way Robbie was joking and more than that, how Joel too joked. It wasn’t like he was totally comfortable with Robbie, yet in a way it was like he was becoming more and more at ease with him. Christ, he wished he could figure all this shit out, it would make his life a lot easier. How do you handle being told one second that your big brother is queer and that he has a lover, then you get tossed in front of the whole city and all by some jerk reporter? Man he would go ballistic and yet here was Joel, laughing actually with Robbie, and he had to admit, it felt kind of nice and so he joined in the fun, wanting to at least for a few minutes forget the real world and just play in this one of light banter and friendship.
“Huh? Your brother was baking?”
“I know, I mean just how domestic can he get? See what you did Robbie?”
“Me? Hey, wasn’t my idea.”
“No? I don’t know…”
“Hey I liked him the way he was, I mean now I have to eat his baking… unless…”
“Didn’t think about that, I suppose Mom did push him but still… maybe it is your fault, after all look at how skinny you are.”
“Yeah just a bit… okay, come on you two, if we don’t get back she’ll send the army out for us…”
“Your brother really baked stuff? Uh… maybe I shouldn’t come…”
“Why not?”
“Well…. how am I gonna know which is his baking and your mom’s?”
“Oh that’s easy, the stuff that tastes good is Mom’s…”
“I think I’ll let Josh know you said that Joel.”
“Only if you don’t want me to teach you how to bat your eyes.”
“Shit…”
She stared out the window, wringing her hands on her apron and yet, even as she watched, her mind was elsewhere. The call from Pastor Johnson asking to drop by was sort of expected, but the sound of his voice had made the hair on her neck curl up and she knew that something else was up. For a moment or two she glanced upwards, as if to ask but then she lowered her eyes, knowing that it was futile, knowing that HE wouldn’t give her any advance notice anyhow. Adele sighed and stared out at the backyard, hoping that Abner would be home soon too. It was hard at their age to cope with all this tszuris (trouble) but cope they had to. Funny, last time she had stayed up all night long was decades ago it seemed, but in reality it wasn’t that long ago, when she and Abner had lain in bed all night long talking about Joshua and him being gay.
Maybe if they had handled the news better none of this grief would have happened but she knew that wasn’t true. Somehow the trouble would have found them, after all weren’t they part of the ‘chosen people’? Her eyes rolled upwards again as she continued to wring her hands in the apron, a nervous habit she had developed whenever she felt troubled or uneasy, and right now she felt very uneasy.
Abner should have called by now, to tell her if that fancy lawyer fellow was going to help or not but he hadn’t called yet. The phone had been ringing off the hook mind you so maybe he couldn’t get through. Everyone it seemed needed the Rabbi all of a sudden. There was of course those potzes from the television station and even some reporter from the newspaper calling, then naturally all of the congregation had to call too, wondering such nonsense that she thought they had all gone mashugga without her noticing it. Then too there were those ‘other’ calls, the one’s she tried to shield from the kinder but which Joshua knew about. For a moment she wondered if he had told Robbie about them or not and then once more the ringing of the phone interrupted her thoughts.
Her hands stopped their nervous twitching and wringing and her face grew whiter as her head turned towards the phone. Who would it be this time, the mishuga hundts, the potzes from the press, or would it finally be her Abner? She kicked herself as the phone rang again and she jumped a little as she scolded herself for being such a sissy and she stormed over to the phone, picking it up to see which it was.
“Yes? Hello?”
“Mrs Goldberg?”
“Yes”
“I am sorry to bother you, uh, this is Thomas Fisher… Robbie’s grandfather…”
