Chapter 8

Abner put the phone down and sat at his desk, staring at the picture that rested off to one side. He smiled at that picture, and lifted it up to hold it closer. He ran his finger across the glass, as if by just touching it he could get the answers to the questions that were plaguing him. His heart was aching too, from all he had seen and heard. It had been impossible to understand how someone so young could be in such pain as Robbie was, and yet the pain was real, as he had felt it for himself.

It had been a fruitless evening and he could still feel Joshua’s stare as he had left, and his own heart was torn into pieces, as he could see the hunger in his son’s eyes for answers that he just didn’t have. The frustration was as bad for him and his wife as it was for his son and yet he had patted him on the head, told him to rest while he went to work to try and find some of those answers.

He had called Sam Ginsberg and now he had a new number to call. He needed to talk to a good lawyer, and while Sam seemed less than willing to help, he finally had relented and gave Abner a couple of names. He told him that it wasn’t really proper for him to interfere, but Abner had deflected his advice. After all, he was the Rabbi, not Sam and if he stopped to think about it, he was annoyed at the soft soothing voice of the lawyer. How dare Sam try to influence him or his actions, after all he was the Rabbi, the spiritual leader and teacher for the community, so who better to get involved in problems like this?

The man just didn’t understand, but that was the trouble with many today. They paid lip service to their religion, many attended or joined simply because it was expected of them. Sure, some attended services, some were even well versed in the words and yet he would bet dollars to donuts that very few, if any, really understood the words or the meanings of those words. Even his own boys didn’t understand it, didn’t know that being Jewish wasn’t a religion only, it was the whole smear, the whole deal.

What other ‘religion’ had dietary laws as well as civil laws? Did any of the goyim know that while much of the old Jewish laws were handed down not because of some symbolism but from a real need? Did they know that the reason Jews didn’t mix meat with milk was because of how it led to upset stomachs, sure that was before refrigeration and yet still, there were many who couldn’t mix the two because it caused them pain. No, being Jewish wasn’t just a religion, it really was a whole life style.

Abner pushed back from his desk, placing the picture of his wife back in its place and he kissed the tip of his finger and pressed it once more against her face, knowing that in his heart there was joy, because she was his and he was hers. That was all that mattered and he strolled out of the office and into the temple itself. He stared around at the small little chapel, the sun shining in from a host of elegant stained glass windows.

His was the oldest synagogue in Western Canada, built back in the late 1800’s and in the Jewish cemetery there were graves from as far back as the mid 1800’s and yet it really was like any other synagogue. The front pews were cushioned, for those who paid the premium membership dues, and as he walked up and rested by them, he felt a sort of disgust in his heart. In the past, these were the chairs for the aged, a sign of respect and yet he knew that come the high holidays it would be filled not by the Senior’s of the congregation, but only by those who had the gelt1.

1 Slang for money

Walking up the dais, he leaned with his back resting on the pulpit, the place where it all happened, his eyes fixed to the simple wooden ark that was placed in the wall. His hands trembled as he wiped his brow and stared at the simple wooden case, knowing that inside were the Torahs, the books that held all the answers he would need, or so they had said at Rabbinic school, but they were wrong. The answers weren’t all there, what lay inside was merely a history of a race’s struggle to survive in God’s world on earth. How things had changed and yet how they hadn’t changed at all! The Bible was full of such rich stories, of how man tried to please God and yet how he never really reached that point and now here he was, after almost 35 years of being a Rabbi, willing to put all that to the test simply because a voice in his heart told him he should.

What a strange world it was, what a strange God he followed too, and Robbie was right, he didn’t have the answers but he did know that no matter what he did, even if all of it were wrong, that in the end, God still would love him. That really was the difference between him and so many, he actually did believe in God’s love and maybe that was what it was all about.

He walked closer now, and he ran his old wrinkled hand across the soft dark wood of the closed doors to the ark and he felt a strange calm enter his body. For a brief instant he felt the fire in his belly and all of his fears, all of his doubts began to shiver and tremble as if they were suddenly facing a terrible force that was hunting them. He couldn’t understand it, but touching the wooden doors always seemed to make him feel alive, feel like he was truly making a difference in the world, and it didn’t matter if the wood was 100 years old or recently cut and stained. It always made him feel so alive, and he had told his wife once, and she had just smiled, saying, ‘Nu? What else would you expect when you touch HIS doors?’

Slowly he sat down on the steps, his back against the railing as he just stared between the Ark and the empty pews out in front. Once more he began to question himself, wondering if he truly wanted to be a rabbi? The goyim were lucky, many of their clergy had felt a calling, a private revelation that their place was in God’s service, but not many Rabbis’ he had talked to ever admitted to such a vision. He knew his own decision was guided by his desire to prove his father wrong; to prove to him that religion was indeed noble and worthy of being called a profession. At least, that is what he thought, but he wondered, why had he really chosen this path for his life?

Staring at the Ark he smiled, knowing that he would never get that answer until such time as he came face to face with the Creator, and then what difference would it make, he would at least be with HIM and wasn’t that supposed to be enough? The ache in his heart eased a little as he felt the vibration of his phone inside his pants pocket. The miracles of a modern world, no more running to the phone because it came wherever you were, even in the toilet.

Abner “Hello?”

Myron “Rabbi Goldberg? Myron Shecter returning your call.”

Abner “Oh, Mr. Schecter, thank you for calling, Sam Ginsberg recommended you to me, I am in need of a good lawyer for a young friend.”

Myron “Yes, well Sam filled me in a little, are you sure you want to get involved Rabbi? I mean what is he to you, exactly?”

Abner “Does that matter?”

Myron “Yes, I am afraid it does Rabbi, it matters a great deal.”

Abner “I see, well he is a very close friend of my son’s, Joshua; he is like machantenus, you understand Yiddish?”

Myron “A little, he’s like, uh, family? I am afraid, I don’t understand, he’s not related to you is he? He isn’t even Jewish, or so Sam said.”

Abner “Sam says too much, no he isn’t Jewish, and why should that have anything to do with him needing my help?”

Myron “Well, Rabbi I am not trying to pick a fight here, of course it doesn’t matter if he’s Jewish or not, I am just trying to get a clear picture here, like why is it you are so insistent on helping this boy?”

Abner “Is it not enough that he has asked? Mr. Schecter will you help or not? If so, I’ll be happy to explain it all, but until I know, I think I’ll keep the details for whomever is going to do the helping, not the condemning.”

Myron “That’s a little harsh isn’t it Rabbi?”

Abner “Why? Because it is the truth? No, maybe Sam meant well, but your mind, it is already made up and so maybe I should call someone else, nu?”

Myron “Haha, well Sam did say you were feisty, okay

Rabbi, I can’t promise you much, but I can call this

Doctor Macgregor and see what I can do. Then we’ll have to just see what happens; if he refuses, well there are options, but you realize that if the family isn’t supporting you or this Robert Fisher, it could be tough and well, it could be messy Rabbi.”

Abner “Messy? How can doing the right thing be messy? No, listen Mr. Schecter, you know the law, I know what is right. Maybe they are sometimes the same but lately I am not so sure, but I know it is wrong for this boy to be held in that place. He needs help, yes, but from those who care about him, not from those who want to try to prove some theory or hypothesis, so messy Mr. Schecter? No, just that sometimes, doing the right thing shocks some people, so be it.”

Myron “Well, you do have a point, the law isn’t always right, but Rabbi, it is the law, but we can debate that another time. I’ll make some calls and get back to you this evening, shall I call this number or do you have another I should call?”

Abner “I would enjoy that debate, so would my son I think, but yes right now we must concentrate on the task at hand. Call this number please; I always have it with me, even at home. Thank you Mr. Schecter.”

Myron “Okay Rabbi, I’ll be in touch, good bye.”

Abner leaned back against the railing and his eyes were once more dragged over to stare at the polished wooden doors and he could feel the joy in his heart as he felt the calm reaching for him. It really was mystical in a sense, and only Adele knew how he felt at these times and yet, maybe she was right too, that he needed to let his own spirit guide him more, to stop hiding behind the trite sayings and playing to the audience. His job was to teach, not to change the curriculum, which was for the Prophets to do; him, he was just the man to explain it all and make sense out of it, if possible.

Debbie pored over the files spread out on her desk. She couldn’t believe the way the files read, it was a classic case of a kid suffering from some form of abuse, and yet once more the school officials had turned a blind eye to it. Even the Coach had his suspicions, they were so intense he had even made a note of his concerns to the school administration and yet once more, the damn pencil pushers had done nothing about it. There were no calls to the home, none certainly to Social Services, and yet now one of those kids was in EMI for trying to kill himself.

The anger was growing in her face and her co-workers in the office could tell that once more Debbie was on a roll. They knew enough of her facial expressions that when she got like this, they ran for cover. No one dared approach her and some would walk by on tippy toes, afraid to even break in on her concentration for fear of a tongue-lashing. She was like a pit bull and some thought she went overboard, other’s wished they could get as passionate as she did, but the very nature of the job seemed to weigh a person down after time.

The rules stated that a case worker could handle 40 cases, and yet most of them had case loads of over 70 at times, in a bad period it could even skyrocket to over 100 so it was no wonder that mistakes were made or worse, care and passion were tossed aside as a luxury one couldn’t afford if they were to handle all those cases. Many left the service long before they put in their 20 or 30 years simply because they could no longer keep the job separate from their own lives. Some left because they couldn’t hack the stress, or the failures, while others simply wanted a job that paid more and was less of a spiritual burden. Debbie was one who would either burn out before reaching tenure or she would become one more legend in the Service that was filled with both.

Looking at the school records, she saw two boys who were vastly different. Robbie had been a quiet student and yet his record of fights and disagreements with fellow students was well documented. It was strange for a quiet boy to be involved in so many fights, and yet his brother, definitely more out spoken, more aggressive, only had serious problems with his teachers. There were virtually no records of any altercations with fellow students. It was strange, you would expect the aggressive one to have the fighting problem, and yet here it was all reversed, as if the younger one was trying to avoid what he had seen by doing the opposite to what his older brother did.

There were even notes about the sexual conduct of both boys. How the older one was less vocal and boisterous about his activities, while the younger one was clearly deliberately flaunting his actions or at least, alleged actions. She wasn’t to clear on the details, because there seemed to be pages missing from Justin’s report. It was almost as if someone had intentionally edited the file, leaving only crumbs and she wondered if the Coach had been the one; but then, he didn’t strike her as that type. He may not like co-operating, but deliberately alter a student’s records? No, he wasn’t that type; he still had a spark of caring in him.

She picked up the phone and dialled a number she knew by heart, which saddened her immensely. No way should she know the phone number to EMI by memory, nor the extension for the suicide ward but she did. The phone rang and finally was answered; she waited some more while they transferred her to Doctor Macgregor, whom she had a dislike for. He was always touting some damn nonsense, making every case seem like a picture book example of some neurosis. Why couldn’t he understand that it was simply that some people simply lost hope, which it wasn’t that they hated their mother or anything like that, yet he always insisted that it was something deeper, something less spiritual. In short, he pissed her off.

Dr. Macgregor “Doctor Macgregor speaking.”

Debbie “Hello Doctor, it is Debra Winston from Social Services, I am calling about Robert Fisher. I believe you have him there under observation?”

Dr. Macgregor “Fisher? Fisher, oh yes, the gay boy, he’s in suicide watch, yes he is still here, is he yours?”

Debbie “Uh, gay boy? I am sorry, why did you refer to him

as being ‘gay’?”

Dr. Macgregor “Oh well its classic, it was the boyfriend who called it in. I am afraid it is a typical case really, he is ashamed of his choice to be gay so he tried to kill himself to spare his family the shame. His father is a very strong man, so I would say there was a clash there, after all no father wants to know his son, his heir is unwilling to continue the genetic line, it really is a typical case, Ms. Winston.”

Debbie “I see, sounds like you have it all worked out already, and in less than 48 hours too, that must be a record Doctor.”

Dr. Macgregor “Well Ms. Winston, I really don’t expect you to understand. We see a lot of this in my line of work, guilt manifests itself in many forms: they eat too much, drink too much, drug abuse, and in the severe cases, suicide attempts. It really is nothing more than someone being unhappy with the choices they have made; doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out, Ms. Winston.”

Debbie “I see, well I need to talk to him anyway Doctor. Will you please make sure the necessary permissions are left at the desk? I plan on talking to Mr Fisher later today.”

Dr. Macgregor “Suit yourself, but you can save the taxpayer’s some money by accepting my diagnosis; however, I know how you people work. So yes, I’ll leave the necessary instructions at reception. Is there anything else? I do have other pressing issues.”

Debbie “No Doctor, that will be fine, oh, one last thing, when are you releasing him?”

Dr. Macgregor “Releasing him? Oh I don’t really know yet, there are a lot of factors to consider still, I really haven’t made that decision yet.”

Debbie “Oh? Well, thank you, I’ll be down later this afternoon, Doctor.”

Dr. Macgregor “Suit yourself, personally it is a waste of time, very classic case, but have it your way. Good bye, Ms Winston.”

The loud click on the line showed that the good Doctor had hung up without waiting for a reply. He really was a shit, a pompous shit too, so she thought as she replaced the receiver on the phone. His anger was raging inside, as she thought about how some people got positions of authority, when really, they weren’t even suited to sweep a sidewalk. Maybe it was because of social medicine that quacks like Macgregor got into such positions, but she knew a fair amount south of the border too, so it just had to be due to government stupidity, something all nations had in common, or so it seemed.

That was another of her pet peeves, the way governments tried to provide some service or another and 9 out of 10 times wound up making the situation worse. She really was torn between the U.S. system where less was supposed to be better and her own system, that said it was a duty of government to provide more. Either way didn’t really matter if you got the job done, only trouble was, neither system was doing that which only added to the confusion, but worse than that, it left the kids vulnerable. To Debbie Winston that was the worse crime imaginable and once more the frown on her face deepened, as she pulled open the police report.

She saw the name listed and reached for her phone book. God, she could remember when the damn thing was easy to lift with one hand and now it was three times the size and mostly for ads for businesses that no longer existed, or some new feature for the telephone. Debbie shook her head, trying to clear it as she felt the wave of hopelessness wash over her. Everything it seemed was piling up and she felt that itch again, across her arm and found herself scratching while searching for the listings under ‘Goldberg’.

It didn’t take her long to find the listings and there really weren’t too many either. The Jewish population wasn’t that large in Victoria and she wondered if she was embarking on a fool’s errand but she started to look at the listings, and reached for her phone to begin the tedious task of trying to track down a Joshua Goldberg. There was no Josh, J, or Joshua Goldberg listed so she had to start making calls.

The number on the police report was also the same number as where they had found Robbie and despite several calls there, no one answered but if Josh was the same age as Robbie, he might have gone to be with his parents, instead of staying in that apartment. At least she would, but then did the parents know about his relationship? That was the other downside of being gay, where did you go when trouble struck? Most kids would have some family to go and find comfort with; many gays didn’t have that refuge, because it was family that caused them to leave in the first place. Damn this world, a kid was a kid and so what if he had some particular distinction, he still deserved a parent’s love and support.

As she began to dial the first phone number, she felt that burning beginning again in the pit of her stomach, knowing just how many times she had to talk to parents of kids who were gay. It was amazing, how many parents would stand by their child who may have committed some unspeakable crime, and yet mention that the child was gay, had homosexual tendencies and the door was shut in your face. Father’s who would agonize over a son’s drinking or drug abuse and would plead even for help for the boy would just refuse to talk to you if the boy were gay.

Mother’s weren’t all that better, they would blame it on having to be both mother and father because the husband was busy or had taken off, what were they supposed to do? Like it was almost as if they felt they were the victim and not their child. There were rare cases where the family supported the child, but it was rare. They didn’t seem to understand that being gay was not a choice, it wasn’t that one day the boy or girl woke up and said, “Hey, I think I’d rather be queer than straight”. It just didn’t happen that way and yet there were way too many who thought that was exactly what happened. Hell, even doctors seemed to feel that way, and for the most part so did religion, so it was no wonder that gay teens had a high rate of suicide, alcoholism, and drug addiction.

How many cases had she dealt with even in such a small city as Victoria where the child had been thrown out of the house because they were gay, and yet teenagers who were picked up for drunk, or drug related crimes, didn’t have the family home shut off from them? Until she came to this job she didn’t even know what ‘gay’ was but she had a crash course ever since. A crackly voice on the end of the phone interrupted her thoughts and for a second she was lost but regained her composer fast.

Debbie “Hello, Is there a Josh, Joshua Goldberg there?”

Voice “Who? Josh? No, no you have the wrong number, no Josh here.”

Debbie “Oh, I am sorry to have troubled you, uh, you wouldn’t by chance know him do you? It is important that I get a hold of him.”

Voice “Who is it you want? Josh Goldberg, is that it?”

Debbie “Yes, Joshua Goldberg, do you know him?”

Voice “No, the only Joshua Goldberg I know is the Rabbi’s oldest boy, maybe you should call the Rabbi, he might be able to help you.”

Debbie “The Rabbi? Uh, yes, I will, uh, sorry to bother you, you wouldn’t have his phone number would you?”

Voice “Well, let me see, I’ll have to look, hang on a second while I get the directory… ah, here it is, you want his home number or the Schul’s2?

Debbie “Both please, I really appreciate your help, thank you.”

2 Slang for Temple, Synagogue, Jewish Church

Debbie hung up the phone and sat there, her hands resting under her chin as she stared at the two phone numbers in front of her. The case had just gotten even more difficult with the involvement of a religious leader. Now what should she do? It was bad enough if the parents were ordinary folk, now if one was also a religious man, a man of the cloth so to speak, it raised the stakes considerably. Did Joshua tell his parents of his homosexuality? If not, and he was there, how would she explain this call or worse, how would he explain it? Would it open a whole can of worms that would do more harm than help?

She didn’t know too many in the Jewish community, it was almost as secretive as the Chinese community was. Both groups were closed and the few instances where she had been involved it was like they closed around themselves to ward her off. Both cultures had a deep-rooted family value system and when one got into trouble, it was almost as if the whole community was suddenly involved. In some respects it was nice, but in another sense it wasn’t, because in some instances, it denied the help the kid would need. However, she did have to admit that in the very few instances where kids from those backgrounds came to her in the system, the fix was always easier than from those in the general population.

This wasn’t getting her anywhere and she stared at the two numbers, trying to decide which one to call first. If she called the synagogue first, she’d most likely get the Rabbi and not necessarily any answers that way. If she called the home, she might actually get Josh, but she could cause a whole set of other problems. It was a dilemma but she opted for the latter, figuring she could make some excuse and so she dialled the number, waiting for it to be answered. A young male voice picked up the phone and her heart pounded a little, hoping that maybe she had struck pay dirt.

Debbie “Is that Josh, Joshua Goldberg?”

Joel “No, its Joel, he’s sleeping.”

Debbie “Oh? He is there then, uh, do you think you could get him for me?”

Joel “No, I told you he’s sleeping, who’s calling?”

Debbie “Uh, it is important that I talk to him, my name is Debbie Winston. He won’t know me, but it is important.”

Joel “Yeah? Well, if you want to leave your number, I’ll see he gets it, but he is sleeping and he doesn’t want to be disturbed.”

Christ who was this pushy broad? He was sure not going to let her get Josh all upset, besides, he needed to sleep and no way was he going to wake him up for some stranger. Wish mom would be home, man I am glad I came home early.

Debbie “Are you a friend or family member?”

His voice has an edge to it, almost like he is a watch dog or something, and I don’t think I am going to talk to Mr. Joshua Goldberg at this time.

Joel “You sure ask a lot of questions, I am his brother, and you are who?”

Debbie “Debbie Winston, I am with Social Services, look, Joel is it? I really do need to talk to your brother, it is rather important.”

Joel “Social Services? Uh, you a social worker or something?”

Fuck, that was all Josh needed now, some damn government pencil pusher. No wonder she’s so pushy. Christ, what am I going to do?

Debbie “Yes I am, now could you get your brother?”

Joel “No, I don’t think so, I think maybe you should talk to my parents, uh, if it is important as you say. He needs his sleep, and uh, I think maybe you should call back later.”

This has to be about Josh’s friend, man what kind of shit is Josh in? I better call dad, he’ll know what to do, no way can I let her talk to Josh, not now, he’s too, shit, I am sounding like Mom, damn it.

Debbie “Well, I really do need to talk to him Joel, is your mother there, Or your father? Please, it really is important.”

Joel “No, my dad is at work, and my Mom is out shopping. Look, if you leave your number I can call dad at work and he can call you back, or when my mom gets home, but that’s the best I can do ma’am, I won’t wake Josh up.”

Debbie “I see, you two are close huh? How old are you Joel?”

Do you know about your big brother Joel? Are you protecting him simply because he is your big brother, or did big brother and you share more than a room or family? Damn, I am getting too suspicious, but why are you so protective? Is it that you know and no one else does? Or do you not know but have guessed? What is going on in that young mind of yours that is making you so cautious? What are you hiding my little friend?

Joel “16, and I really don’t think I want to answer anymore questions, so, if you want to leave your number, I’ll call dad and he can phone back, or mom can later, so?”

Debbie “Okay Joel, I am going to be out this afternoon, what time does your father get home?”

Joel “Five usually, but Mom will be here then.”

Debbie “Okay, well I’ll call back then, thank you Joel.”

She hung up the phone with her frown a little less noticeable. It didn’t sound like Joshua Goldberg was one of those statistics, one of those abandoned by family but maybe she was reading too much into a conversation with a 16 year old brother. The thing was, he sounded, well it didn’t really make sense, but it was almost as if he knew what she was calling about, and he was protecting his brother. She could be all wrong too, they may know nothing about the actual relationship between Joshua and the Fisher boy, they may simply think he had a rough go with a roommate.

Glancing at her watch she pushed away from the desk, closing the file and stuffing it into her oversized bag that served as her briefcase. Normal briefcases or even the legal brief types just weren’t large enough for her files, or any social workers. She hurriedly left the office and headed to her car and for her first meeting with her client, one Robbie Fisher.

Chapter 07

Joel “Hey, what are you doing here?”

Josh turned over and stared at the doorway of the bedroom where he saw the figure of his younger brother standing. He was a gangly youth, still growing even though he complained constantly about not being tall enough. Joel had a passion for basketball, something Josh never really cared much about and according to his mom, he was planning on trying out for the High School team this year.

Josh “Sleeping until you started hollering, thought you weren’t due back till tomorrow?”

Joel “Yeah but one of the girls was in a real snit, so we kind of decided to come back early, so how come you sleeping here? What’s wrong with your place?”

Josh “Uh, nothing, just felt like it, do Mom and Dad know there were girls on this camping trip?”

Joel “I don’t know, subject never came up, why?”

Josh “Just curious I guess, so you got a girlfriend yet? Or you still playing the field little brother?”

Joel “Yeah I got one, how come all the interest in my sex life all of a sudden?”

Josh “Sex life? Oh yeah right, I can imagine, I don’t know, making conversation I suppose.”

Looking at Joel, he felt a strange urge to hug his younger brother and at the same time, he had this desire to sit him down and explain to him about condoms , and all the other stuff that he was sure his folks hadn’t discussed with him and yet even though it was what he wanted to do, he knew that Joel wouldn’t listen to him, at least not to his faggot brother.

He sat up in the bed and looked at his younger brother. He saw the same wide eyed look he always got and he knew that Joel had a lot of questions for him but that he wouldn’t ask them, because he might understand then, and that was something he just wasn’t ready for, or so Josh thought. Right now, he wished he could talk to Joel, to share his pain and maybe then he might be able to stop the nightmares from haunting him.

Funny, he never really thought much about it until this very second, about how much he really needed his brother. When he had found out that Josh was gay, Joel had gone ballistic. He had refused to even talk to him when he came to visit and it was like he had been shut out of his younger brother’s life. At the time it didn’t seem like a big deal, but sitting on his bed, looking at him, he realized that it really was a big deal.

Joel “Where did Mom go? You don’t look so good, something wrong? Dad okay?”

Josh “She went shopping, yeah he’s fine, and I guess I am just a bit tired, that’s all.”

Joel walked into the room and tossed his backpack off to one side and stared at his older brother. Walking in he had felt a sudden surge of anger at Josh, for being what he was but then as he looked at him, he saw the lines etched across his forehead and the way his face looked so white. Josh wasn’t exactly athletic but he did work out and he never looked this bad, even when he had been sick and for some reason, it bothered him. He couldn’t explain it either because he was still mad at him for all the trouble he had caused at home. Never mind what the kids at school might say if they found out, and then he felt ashamed a little, because really, Josh had been a good big brother to him.

He leaned against the desk in his room, staring at Josh and he felt a strange sadness as he wished he could talk to him. The camping trip hadn’t been fun, and he had so many questions that he knew he couldn’t ask dad about, and yet he was so angry at Josh, he didn’t think he could ask him. But there was more to it, he was smart enough to know that, and the biggest thing was that he was afraid that what Josh was, he too might become and that scared him.

It was crazy, because he had never thought about any guy the way Josh seemed to think of them, and he wondered if all those times that they had shared a room if Josh had designs on him? Did he get off on seeing his younger brother strip and go for a shower? Did it get him hot when he would get dressed or undressed? So many questions to ask and yet he was too scared to ask them, afraid of what the answers would be. How would he act if Josh had said that yeah, it turned him on seeing him naked? He shivered a little as he just stared, wanting to run, wanting to shower too, but afraid to with Josh in his room.

Joel “Tired huh? You sure? I mean, hell you look like shit man, there something you hiding from me, again?”

Josh could feel the anger in the words, the way Joel had said ‘again’ and he could see the sparks in his eyes as he stared at him. God, he was a good-looking kid and yet he looked so vulnerable, so fragile and how did you tell your little brother that your lover, your gay lover, tried to kill himself and you were the one who found him? How did you give someone you would gladly give your life for nightmares for maybe the rest of his life when you already have disappointed him?

Josh “Not anything you need to be concerned about.”

Joel “Fine, have it your way.”

Josh “Yeah, well, guess you want your room back. I’ll go into the den, nice to see you anyway.”

Josh stood up and he stumbled a little, feeling faint and a bit dizzy. For a second he thought he was going to fall flat on his face and he grew angry at the thought just as he reached out to steady himself, instead he felt a hand gripping him and stopping his forward motion. He blinked to see the worried face of his younger brother staring at him and he smiled, wishing he could just hug him and hold him, but he knew that would only freak him out. Damn this world, and damn this life, why did he have to be gay? Why couldn’t he be like everyone else? Shit, wasn’t it bad enough to be a Jew, never mind being a goddamn faggot too?

Josh “Sorry, guess I am still half asleep…”

Joel “Yeah bullshit, look, you don’t want to tell me fine, but, well…”

Joel was angry, with himself and with Josh. Why couldn’t he have kept his sex life to himself? Why couldn’t he just have kept it quiet, there wasn’t any need for the whole damn world to know that he was a fag, besides, he had his own rep to worry about, and worrying that they would find out about Josh. Man that sucked, but then again, Josh was never a mean brother, and he never did try to push him around when he lived at home, maybe he should cut him some slack; but damn it, he should have explained it to him, he didn’t need to find out from listening to his parents arguing about it, did he?

For a second he really thought that maybe, just maybe Joel was serious, maybe he was being too harsh on him? Christ, he wasn’t exactly finding it easy to accept being gay in good old Victoria but then he didn’t in Toronto either and that certainly was a larger city. Shit, they even filmed that gay show, “Queer as Folk” there and the place was still homophobic, so go figure.

Looking at Joel, he saw himself years ago, the wide eyed innocence, the simple it is either black or white when life really was mostly grey, all of that he could see reflected in the clear deep navy blue eyes of his brother. God, he really was growing up so quickly, and he felt sad, wishing he could have back that relationship that they once shared. It wasn’t easy when Joel had confronted him, and like an ass he hadn’t taken the time to explain it, instead he was defensive and angry himself.

Shit, it was no wonder that Joel felt the way he did. How was he supposed to know when, for the years that he had known he was gay, he never once discussed it with Joel. He had this stupid notion that he could protect him, or worse, that it wasn’t any of his business, but it was his business. He would have to suffer the abuse if his friends found out, and he doubted if many 15 or 16 year olds could understand all that being gay was. Hell, he wasn’t sure that even at his ripe old age of 19 that he understood it all. At least if he had been the one to sit Joel down, to explain it, maybe then he wouldn’t be so damn pissed or confused. Maybe he would have still been mad, but maybe he could have asked all those questions that were now eating away at him?

Josh “Sure you want to get into this now?”

Joel stared at his brother and he saw the pain in his face and worse, he saw the hurt in his eyes. He never could stand that, seeing Josh in pain and for most of his young life he had always looked up to Josh, had even admired him and he once told his dad that he wanted to be just like Josh. Now, those words came back to haunt him because he wondered, was he just like Josh? Was he too going to suddenly wake up and want cock instead of pussy?

Josh was right; did he really want to get into this now? He didn’t know, but he could see the pain, the hurt and for some unknown reason he felt the fear too that was not something he was used to seeing in Josh. He had always had this quiet self-assured way about him, and yet right now he looked like he was close to falling apart. It scared him and yet, holding him he could feel his older brother trembling, and he knew it was up to him to help make the difference.

Joel “No, I am not sure, but fuck, I am tired of this Josh, we used to be so close, I miss that, I really do, why can’t you just…”

Josh “Stop being gay?”

He stared at his brother, wishing that if he said yes that Josh would do it, but somehow he doubted if that would end it all. Hell, he didn’t even know why Josh had made that choice to begin with, but yeah, if he could just stop being gay, it would solve it all.

Joel “Yeah, I guess, even though I know it isn’t a choice, but shit man, couldn’t you have told me? Why did I have to find out from the folks?”

Josh “I don’t know Joel, I wish, shit there are so many things I did wrong, and I am only 19. God what is it going to be like when I get older? How many more people will I hurt? Fuck, I am so sorry…”

Joel grew even more concerned as his brother began to cry while standing there in his arms. He could feel him as he shook, the pain and fears taking hold and he didn’t know what to do. He had never really seen Josh cry before and it terrified him. The pain was one thing, the look on his face was another, but the hopeless look in his eyes was making his heart pound in its own fear. How could things have changed so quickly? Where was his mother, he knew she would know what to do but she wasn’t there, it was only him and Josh.

He felt so frightened, so alone and yet there was Joel standing there, and as his eyes once more turned towards his younger brother he saw the fear in his eyes. Josh could feel the sudden panic as it rose up within Joel’s young body and he realized that he was the cause of it. His heart suddenly beat a little faster and the voices deep inside rose up, desperate to reach out and hold his brother and yet the fear of all that had gone on was holding on fiercely. It refused to let him budge and he could feel the struggle growing more violent inside, as his spirit resisted the terror of the unknown or the imagined.

If only he could tell him, explain it to him, maybe he wouldn’t be so angry with him, but how do you tell someone you love, someone you care for, that you are so different? How do you explain that what you decided wasn’t a sudden awakening but a process you had known about but had refused to listen to until suddenly you just couldn’t keep it hidden any longer? How do you explain to someone who has the same blood flowing in their veins that just because you are one way doesn’t mean they are too?

The look of panic that was taking hold of Joel made him summon up one last bit of strength and he quickly stopped his tears of sorrow. All of the pain that was inside of him was suddenly pushed aside as he struggled for some control so he could cause no more pain to his brother. It was a titanic effort but he could feel his breathing slowing, no longer shallow and harsh.

Josh “Sorry, haven’t slept much, uh, let me sit down here and you pull up your chair, guess it is time I did explain a few things.”

Joel “Okay, uh, you want a drink or anything?”

Josh “No, that’s okay, do I look that bad?”

Joel “Well, yeah… You do Josh, uh, are you, I mean, it isn’t that AIDS thing is it?”

As he sat back down on Joel’s bed, he could remember all the times they had spent here, sitting together on this bed talking about stuff, such as girls and even sex, so why hadn’t he told him? They had been close, and he did miss it, he could feel that emptiness in his heart, right next to the gaping hole left by Robbie’s actions. How could he have hurt the two people he loved the most like this?

Looking into his face, Josh could see the concern for him and he felt a little comfort in it. It was nice to know that even after all this crap that had passed between him and Joel it still mattered to Joel if he was sick or not. That had to be something, didn’t it?

Josh “No, it isn’t AIDS Joel, thank God, maybe it would be better if it was though, maybe even I would understand it all better, never mind anyone else.”

The haggard look in his face, the sunken eyes and pallor of his skin made Joel start to actually worry. It was like the time that bobbah1 had come to visit, just before she ended up in the hospital, never to come out again. He felt the panic rip at his heart because he had been so little then, all he knew then was she had looked bad, like Josh did now, and shortly after there was no more fresh baking in the house, there were strange people in suits sitting in the living room every night and he was dragged off to synagogue each morning and evening for what seemed an eternity.

1 Term for Grandmother

As he grew older he had come to understand what it had all meant, it still didn’t make it any easier, but he at least understood it. Looking at Josh he felt that same panic, that same fear deep in his heart but it was different too. The last thing he wanted was for Josh to be sick, but while part of him felt sad and worried, another part was screaming out that it was what happens to faggots, it is God’s retribution and even though those thoughts made him squirm a little, made him ashamed, he couldn’t just ignore them either.

What the fuck was wrong with him? Why would he even think such horrible thoughts about his own brother? Hell, Josh had always been good to him and okay, he hadn’t been up front with him about being a queer, but fuck, that shouldn’t make him hate him? It sure as fuck shouldn’t make him wish him dead, and from little he knew, AIDS was not an easy death either, so if he wouldn’t wish that on a stranger, why would he consider it for his own brother?

As he pulled his long legs up to his chin and leaned back against his brother’s headboard, he stared out at his brother, watching him as he pulled his desk chair over towards the bed. He noticed how he moved slowly, his shoulders so rigid he was sure they would crack and yet it looked like they carried the weight of the world on them. God, had he done this to his brother?

Joel was only 134 pounds, stood relatively tall at 5 foot 10 ½ inches and was still growing. He had the most perfect deep blue eyes that Josh could ever recall seeing and while his hair was short, it wasn’t like most kids, buzzed or with all those weird short, long, combinations. His blond hair was full and thick, and even tousled as it was now, it looked good on him, highlighted his soft facial features, and if anything, gave his younger brother a rather handsome look that was hard to duplicate by design. It was so natural on him, and he wore it all well, even at 16 years of age. He really was a good looking kid, and okay, maybe his legs seemed a bit short for his body or his arms a little longer than maybe they should, but he was still a kid, still growing and looking at him, he remembered how he used to hate how his own body was so mismatched in high school.

It was tough enough growing up and dealing with all that, and because of him, he was making Joel deal with much more. Staring at him, he saw a kid who would be popular, one who had charm and there was no doubt that when Joel smiled, showed those white teeth among his full lips, it would turn anyone’s heart a little, male and female. His brother certainly was turning out to be a looker, and from what he had heard from his mother, he was certainly turning the young girls’ heads. No wonder he was so angry with him, because if they ever found out about him, his popularity would plummet.

Josh stared into the worried face and he felt the pain in his own heart. He knew that his own strength was at an all time low, yet he had to find the strength and courage to do this, because he might not get another chance. He was surprised by the way Joel looked at him, at times it was with real concern, other times it looked like he wanted to kill him or worse, it was a look of pure disdain, yet it always seemed to pass, at least so far.

Josh “Well, a friend of mine, a close friend, he tried to kill himself the other day, I found him and well…”

Joel “Kill himself? Shit that sucks, how did you, I mean, you found him? What did he do, shoot himself?”

Josh “No, he uh, fuck, he cut his wrists, not sure what he used, but there was a lot of blood, a whole lot of blood…”

Joel “That’s sick, is he going to make it?”

Josh “Yeah, for now, but he’s at EMI2 and well, they won’t let me see him, and I don’t know, I should have seen it coming, I don’t know why, but it is like I feel I let him down, that I didn’t see his pain or anything. Guess I was wrapped up in my own world, wasn’t paying enough attention to his needs…”

Joel “This uh friend, he your, you know, whatever it is you call him, is he?”

Josh “Lover.”

Joel “Yeah, that’s it, I guess, so, what happened? You guys get into a fight or something?”

2 Eric Martin Institute for the Mentally Ill, local hospital for Victoria that deals strictly with mental health issues

Josh “No, least not that I know about, I just don’t know why, I thought, well I thought thinks were going good for us, and then, shit…”

Josh put his face in his hands and the sobs could be heard in the entire room. Joel stared at his brother, stunned by the way it was making Josh act. He had always thought of his brother as being strong and unbreakable. He had never really seemed to be the type who would fall apart like this. How the hell could he get so emotional over someone doing something so fucking stupid?

Part of him wanted to get out of the chair and go and sit with Josh, just as Josh used to do for him when he was a little kid, but as he looked at his brother, he felt anger and disgust. If this was what being gay was, he was pretty happy that he wasn’t one. How could you fall apart like this over some guy? Hell no girl even was worth this kind of shit, maybe more understandable if it had been, but Christ, another guy?

Joel “Shit, seems to me that you would be better off without some freak like that, hell if the…”

Josh “FUCK OFF Joel, Shit, I thought maybe you would understand, I guess I was wrong, maybe that is why I never bothered to talk to you about any of this, you just don’t get it do you? Fuck!”

The anger was real, and Joel leaned back in his chair, scared for the first time at what Josh might do to him for what he had said. He had seen him angry a few times but this was different, way different and he could actually feel the anger hit him as he had spoke. It was freaking the shit out of him and his guts were twisting and turning as he turned his look downwards, suddenly feeling ashamed for his actions.

He didn’t really want Josh to die, and the way Josh had yelled, he knew he knew. It scared him, because they had been close once, and he needed that closeness but he was scared, afraid of being close again, afraid that what Josh was, he was too.

Joel “I didn’t mean it like it sounded, Josh I…”

Josh “Yes you did, I can see the hatred in your eyes for God’s sake; damn it, I am your brother, doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

Joel “Yes it does, but it goes both ways, shit, why didn’t you tell me? WHY?”

Josh “Maybe because I didn’t want you freaking, maybe because I was scared of losing your love, and I was right, wasn’t I? WASN’T I?”

Joel “NO, No you aren’t right, you think you are, but you aren’t, you should have told me, I would have understood, instead you hid it from me, all that time, you lied to me!”

Josh “No, I didn’t lie to you, I may not have told you everything, but I never lied, not once.”

Joel “Crap, did you really think that by keeping it a secret, you weren’t lying to me? Fuck, you would never let me get away with that bullshit excuse, so why should I let you?”

Josh “This isn’t about whether I lied or not, you know it, you could have come to me, asked me about it, did you? Well, did you?”

Joel “Like you would have told me? Fuck Josh, I am sorry your friend tried to off himself, but it isn’t like I even know him. Shit, you hardly come around here, you live this secret life that no one knows about, and now you want me to be all sorry for you? Shit, what about all the crap you caused me? Where were you then?”

Josh “What crap? I didn’t cause you anything; why the fuck do you think I have stayed away? Think I don’t miss coming home for Friday night dinners? Think I enjoyed spending all that time alone? Fuck until Robbie came around I spent most of my time talking to myself, so what crap did I put you through? Huh?”

Joel “Oh right, always about you isn’t it Josh? Well how about me, huh?”

Josh “What about you? I didn’t do dick to you little brother, so what is your problem?”

Joel “You don’t get it, do you?”

Josh “What is it I am supposed to get? Enlighten me little brother.”

Joel “Shit and I used to look up to you? Man I must have been one stupid jerk before; you think this is easy for me? Or Mom or dad? God, you should have heard how much your choice of humping partners hurts them…”

Josh “You think this is a choice? Fuck, I thought you were smarter than that, but then I was wrong about a lot of things where you were concerned.”

Joel “Oh sure blame me for your fuck ups, or is that fucking down? You take it up the ass bro? Or you the one who acts like a man, huh? Don’t…”

Josh “Christ is that all you think we do? Fuck? Shit, you haven’t a damn clue about sex, any kind of sex, never mind love, so spare me your gross shit bro!”

Joel “I don’t know about sex? Hell, I am no virgin, I know more about real sex than you, that’s fucking obvious.”

Josh “Why cause you dicked some girl? Christ, that isn’t knowing anything, that’s simply fucking, and your damn cock don’t know one hole from another little brother, so wise up, you know shit.”

Joel “Leave my dick out of this, I bet you used to drool over it, well it isn’t for you, got it? I am not some faggot like you; I like girls, so you just keep that in your twisted mind, got it?”

It was like being shot by a million guns all at once. His body felt like it was being peppered with bullets and his heart ached in a way he had only felt a few times before. Once was when his father had turned his back on him and walked out, the other time was seeing Robbie lying in the pool of his own blood, and now once more he felt his heart being ripped to pieces by someone he loved, and all because of something he had no control over.

He couldn’t believe he had said that, and as he glanced upwards into Josh’s face he could see the words hitting home. For a second he felt joy, happy that at last he could inflict some of the pain that he had been forced to endure back on the one who had caused him all that pain. But just as he felt that pleasure, he also felt the terror of what he had said, giving voice to the fears that tore at him from the very first time that he had found out that Josh was queer. Now they were in the open, and he felt the panic rising up inside of him.

Josh “I forgot, you are the stud of the year huh? Fuck Joel, I never thought of you that way, not once. But I guess when you are as hot as you obviously think you are, you figure everyone wants a piece of you, is that it little brother, oh and I do mean ‘little’!”

Joel was shocked by the sudden twist of words and the way his brother stared at him, for a second he could actually feel the anger reaching for him and he knew that Josh was hurt too. There was no mistaking that look in his eyes, and he felt the twist in his heart as he cut back an angry rejoinder. His own eyes were smouldering as the pain and anger that he had kept bottled up threatened to explode.

Joel “You know that isn’t what I meant, maybe I am not as good at the word games as you, but how the fuck am I supposed to know whether you did or not?”

Josh “Why the fuck would you even think I would want to think of you that way? That is fucking sick Joel.”

Joel “No more sick than wanting to have some guy stick his dick up your ass, that is what you do, isn’t it?”

Josh “Yeah, it is, and I could say the same for you wanting to stick it in some slimy cunt, but that isn’t going to prove anything, you should know I would never do anything to hurt you.”

Joel “Yeah right, and how am I supposed to know that Josh? Tell me, how?”

Josh “Because I am your brother, that’s how.”

Joel “Oh and that is some magic wand that keeps me safe from getting fucked up the ass by you?”

Josh “Fuck off!”

Joel “Why? Getting too close to the truth is it? Admit it, you did want to, didn’t you?”

Josh “You call me sick? Shit, what is this? No, I didn’t ever want to get it on with you, not once…”

Joel “Sure, didn’t think you would tell me the truth…”

Josh “Christ, what is this? You have some secret desire to be fucked by a guy? Is that it? You may be jealous that instead of me coming and fucking your puny white butt I looked elsewhere, is that it?”

Joel leaped out of the chair he was sitting in and lunged at Josh. He grabbed him by the shirt and raised his arm up and over his head, swinging it back and his hand was balled up into a fist as he stared down into his older brother’s face. He looked into Josh’s blue eyes and he saw deep inside of him. He felt his arm coming down but something held it back, something was holding him from striking down and smashing his hard fist into the already beaten face under him.

Josh waited, feeling the raw anger that Joel was in the grip of and he couldn’t really blame him. He didn’t resist as his younger brother leapt forward and was on top of his body before he could really blink. He felt the heat as his brother straddled his body and he felt the knees digging into his sides, just as he used to feel when they would play wrestle, only this wasn’t play, was it?

He stared up waiting for him to strike him, his own hands had balled up into fists, ready to defend himself but something had stopped him from raising them up, from even moving his face a fraction, as he stared into the fiery eyes, seeing the hatred that rested there. He struggled to go beyond that mass of anger but his own despair stopped him, as he waited, tensing up for the blow that was to come.

It was like there was no fight left in Josh, the way he didn’t even flinch as he dug his knees hard into his sides. Looking into his eyes he saw nothing but despair, disappointment and it held him in check as he felt the beat of his heart start to slow, felt the pain in his whole body continue to torment him and yet, he just couldn’t find the way to command his fist to come down and crush itself into his older brother’s face. The pain was urging him too, the overwhelming desire was struggling to force him to, and yet, something held him back as he sat there, his chest heaving from the strain. Joel could hear his own breath, the harsh panting sound grated on his nerves and yet he couldn’t bring himself to strike down. Instead, he found his arm lowering itself, his hand still rolled into a fist, but no longer were the nails digging into the palm of his hand.

Josh had expected the blow, he had anticipated it even and as he waited, he could see his brother’s struggle taking shape and he felt his eyes opening wider as he watched, waiting for that moment when Joel would bring his young hard fist crashing down into his face. He had made his choice, he would not resist, he would not fight back even though he could feel a part of him urging him to, desperately trying to convince him to resist, but he couldn’t, his heart was in enough pain and he would not add to its own sorrow.

Joel “I am not a fag…”

Josh “Then what is your problem?”

Joel “You are… that is my problem.”

Josh “So? Does that make me so bad? I am still the same brother I always was, what does it matter who I fuck? And how is it any of your business anyways?”

Joel “That isn’t it, you know that.”

Josh “Then what for fuck’s sake is it?”

Joel “What if, I mean, you are one, how do, what if…”

Josh “How do you what? Joel, I don’t…”

At that second, looking up in his brother’s face he finally penetrated the anger and he saw it all unfolding before him. It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried to seduce him or that he had not made a pass at him, it was much more than that and he shuddered as he realized just how much pain he had caused his younger brother. Oh God, he prayed, how could you let me do this? Why did you make me this way?

It all came rushing in like a flash flood and he felt his whole body shaking as he tried to find the words, tried to figure out what he could say that would help ease the doubts and fears that were going through his little brother. No wonder he was so angry, he was scared to death that he too might be one, that his whole life had been a sham and that his chasing of girls was nothing more than a smokescreen for who he really was.

Joel “I don’t know…”

Josh “Yes you do, is it… “

Joel “No I don’t, well maybe, but it doesn’t matter now, it really doesn’t.”