Epilogue

They saw him sitting at one of the booths towards the back of the Café. Both of them looked a bit rumbled but then they really hadn’t had much sleep even though they were late for meeting Andy. It just seemed like each time they had tried to get to sleep, something had made one or both of them remember something to say or felt like they needed to do.

If anyone had bothered to watch them walk towards the back they might have seen how both tried hard not to look at each other but failed totally. It was almost as if they were wayward kids coming home late and yet still feeling the fun from wherever they had been. Neither looked directly at the other but you could see how they both glanced furtively towards the other when they thought no one was looking. Course no one was, they were all too busy exchanging the latest town buzz which neither Bailey or Chris had yet to pick up on.

They both noticed how Andy already had coffee in front of him and a mass of papers too. It was like he had been there for hours doing homework or something yet both of them seemed oblivious to it. All they could think of was sliding into the booth on one side so they could finally touch. It was cute to watch if you could, but today they could have easily kissed on the way to the booth as everyone had their heads buried together, talking and whispering about something else.

Andy was occupied by the papers in front of him. He sipped absent minded at the coffee while he went over the figures on the papers. He had been up early and hadn’t gotten much sleep either. He had thrown himself into working out this project instead, knowing that there was little if any use at all in agonizing over his loss.

In some ways it was more thrilling to be in this position. Least he could concentrate on business stuff and he knew that it was what had always gotten him excited. Being with another person was nice, but he had to admit, for him the thrill of the deal, the excitement of taking something old and making it work again had always been a greater achievement than just shooting his load. Course with Jesse it had come close to being equal but that was over, least for now he thought.

Okay perhaps he had dwelled on that a bit before diving into this project, but he had come to the conclusion that Jesse was probably right. The money differences would come between them, but it didn’t mean they couldn’t be friends. Maybe in time they could work past it though he doubted they’d ever be as close as they had been that first time. Then that had been about money too so he had quickly let the matter pass from his thoughts and moved on to what really made him feel alive, the project.

It hadn’t taken him long to realize that he was out of his depth in some of the mechanics of the project. Andy had hesitated about calling but there was no choice if he wanted to come thru for Bailey and Chris. Calling his father had been a tough decision but at the end of it, he was surprised to realize that he had misjudged the man. Sitting there sipping the luke warm coffee he felt better about a lot of things. The phone call had lasted longer than he believed possible and afterwards he knew that his father wasn’t the ogre he had imagined. They shared a common interest after all and it wasn’t just his mother. They both lived for the thrill of business and now a rough plan lay ready to present to Chris.

The noise of the two sliding into the booth across from him made him look up. He felt a small pang of regret in his heart as he saw how different both of them looked. He wondered if it would still work out now that he had a plan for Chris and his family’s dilemma? Would money change Chris back or would it alienate Bailey?

As Andy looked at them both he realized that for them, money wasn’t going to be an issue. Bailey in his own right was smart, and he could offer something to Chris that no amount of money could. Strange, he sort of wished that would have been the case with Jesse but Jesse wasn’t Bailey. He sighed as he saw how the two of them looked tired but excited. It brought a smile to his own face as he knew they had done more than just talk thru the night. It kind of amazed him that he really didn’t feel all that bad knowing that either.

You guys hungry?

Yep, starving.

Uh huh, I meant for food Bailey.

He saw the deepening redness cross Bailey’s face and had to laugh. It looked so funny as Chris smiled as well and was almost as beet red in the cheeks as Bailey. It was good to see them that way he thought as he chuckled.

Sorry, uh, that too.

Okay well order up, my treat.

Andy…

It’s okay Chris, you can buy next time, and yes, you’ll be able to I think.

Really?

Yeah, I talked with my dad this morning.

Your dad?

Uh huh, and we have a plan. It’s not quite what your folks might have wanted but it will get them off the hook and in time, well I think it’ll work out.

He didn’t really know what to say or do. The press of Bailey’s hand in his only made him feel even more at awe. Chris never really believed in luck or in angels but as he stared at Andy, as he felt the warmth of Bailey’s hand in his, he realized that he had been wrong.

Christ, I never thought, I mean…

Yeah well you haven’t heard it yet, but it’s the only way. Least your folks will get to keep the name intact, though I think some of the circling sharks will be disappointed, still it won’t allow for a lot of added luxury. Some things will need to be worked out but I am fairly certain staying in school here isn’t in jeopardy. So…

I don’t know what to say.

Well, nothing to say. It was a challenge, will be one too, part of the deal is you and Bailey and me, we have to more or less manage some of this, call it part of our school experience.

Watching the way Andy spoke to Chris made Bailey feel a bit guilty and yet he knew he had made the right choice. Hearing his name though brought him out of his thoughts and his eyes opened up wider.

All of us?

Yeah, course there is a salary allowance that goes with it, so it won’t be too bad.

Me? How’d I get into this? I mean, I don’t mind helping, but…

Andy sighed a bit as he knew that Bailey had so much to learn about life. It was part of his charm maybe that he was so trusting, but he couldn’t keep being the nice selfless one. Sometimes you just had to take what was offered and he felt it was time Bailey learnt that. Besides, this way he was fairly certain that money would not come between Bailey and Chris, so he put a slight edge to his voice this time, to make sure Bailey understood him.

Look Bailey get used to this, you can’t always do things for free, and when someone offers you the cash, take it. Free isn’t going to get you new clothes or pay for school supplies, this way you give but you also get something back, course if you don’t want to, that is up to you but..

He recognized the coldness in that last word and his heart grew still. Bailey was afraid to ask but he had to. There was no way he wanted to make money off Chris’ problems and it surprised him that Andy seemed to just accept that they would go along with it.

But what?

But the deal is more or less set guys. My dad talked it over with your folks already Chris, all that is needed now if for you and Bailey to sign on, if either of you don’t, well then the deal is off. So… want to hear the details or not?

Chris squeezed Bailey’s hand as he listened to Andy spell it out. He knew that whatever part he and Bailey had to play was not just about saving his families business, but was more complicated than that. He could see it in Andy’s eyes and he knew that in his own way, Andy was protecting Bailey as well as helping him. It made him feel a bit envious and jealous too but then he let his heart feel the warm hand in his.

Yeah… go ahead. You know, Grant is going to be really pissed off with you Andy.

Oh? Well I think Mr Waddington has other problems to occupy himself with right now, and somehow I think my helping you out isn’t at the top of his or his families list right now.

Huh? What do you mean?

Oh let us just say that last night Mr Waddington met up with the local authorities after a girl called them up. Seems our fellow classmate likes to get his way, even when people say no to him. Course that can work but these days, its called Rape whether you come from the slums or Martha’s Vineyard. Grant is in jail and somehow I don’t think he’s going to wiggle too easily out of this one. Seems the deputy who picked him up also found a bit more than roofers.

Chris didn’t feel sad for Grant. He had warned him about not listening and in some ways he was secretly thrilled that at last Grant was perhaps getting a taste of his own medicine. He was certain Grant would not enjoy Jail even for a short time.

Bailey saw the way Andy’s eyes had narrowed and he felt a small chill inside. He hadn’t seen that look before and it frightened him. His hand dug hard into Chris’ hand as he turned away from Andy’s suddenly hard cold stare.

Fuck. How did you hear all this? I mean we didn’t hear anything at school or on the way here.

I doubt if you heard anything the way you two look, but no I heard it from my Dad. Grant’s family called him as he knows the local Judge here pretty well.

Oh.

No Chris it isn’t what you think. Grant is a chip off the old block. My dad expressed his sympathy for Grant, but regretfully told them there wasn’t anything he could or would do in this instance. So, I think Grant is shit out of luck this time around. Besides Dad did call his friend, to offer his support just in case Grant’s folks found some other leverage.

No one really said much for a few moments. Chris didn’t feel happy but he didn’t feel sorrow for Grant’s predicament either. It was what he had expected and for a few moments while Andy related the news he felt frightened. It could have been him if he hadn’t stopped. In some ways he realized he had been just like Grant, but for some strange twist of fate or luck he had been spared the lesson that Grant was being taught.

Bailey’s hand in his helped to ease that fear too as he realized that he really didn’t care what happened to Grant. All he cared about was what he had now, the friendship of Bailey and after last night, well he was fairly certain that this was something worth protecting and keeping. He turned back towards Andy and the conversation now returned to the project. Thoughts of Grant had been pushed to where they belonged, in the distant memory file.

——

Sheriff I don’t like this one bit. Not one bit I tell you.

He pushed back into his old swivel chair and slowly raised his leg to place his boot on the desk. His eyes stared blankly at the man before him and he smiled to himself. Sheriff Miller saw how the man dabbed at his face with his hanky. He rather enjoyed seeing the man’s discomfort.

Well I am truly sorry about that Mayor, not much I can do now though.

Like hell, you should have told me.

Oh? I thought this was my problem, least that’s what you and the others said when we first spoke about this.

The Mayor stood there glaring. His face was mottled in a deep bluish tint with patches of purple. Dante Miller had always been one of those who you just never could figure out. There was no mistaking his pleasure in seeing him all flustered either which only made him angrier. This whole mess with Keith Tanner had always been a sore point in the town. He had hoped that once Keith had been sent off that the family would move, but when they hadn’t it had only made things more difficult. Now his death would only bring up the old wounds more, something he had hoped to avoid.

Well can’t say we all like how you handled this.

Oh? And just what was I supposed to do? Wait till he came and killed off his family?

Course not, but couldn’t you have found another way? I mean come on Dante, Boone Jones? Some folks aren’t going to take kindly to that.

Tough, better they be upset than we have a massacre to contend with. Christ don’t you realize Boone did us all a favour?

A favour? Now how in blazes…

Think for a minute Mayor, if we had caught Keith, this wouldn’t end with that. There would be a trial and you can bet that would open up a few more wounds, and what if he had got away? What would folks be saying then? Or worse what if he managed to kill his family?

Yes I can see that, still Dante…

Can You? Christ what if he had gotten away? Or worse what if he had managed to get into the house and do what he had threatened to do? My God the press would have a field day with that and then there is the college. You can bet the college folks would be thinking about pulling out or worse, what then?

All right, so Keith is dead, still did you have to deputize Boone Jones?

The Sheriff carefully looked at the Mayor. His eyes grew narrow as he tried to see if the Mayor was probing him or just being his typical red neck self? If the man had any inkling of the truth he would explode. Still, he couldn’t be sure which was why he had quickly ushered Boone away from the Tanner home and here.

Why not? He’s ex Green Beret.

And that will come out won’t it?

More than likely.

Yes and you know how some will take that, they’ll be scared. I don’t know, can’t you maybe keep that part quiet?

I can try, but you’ll have to help.

I know, I just don’t like it.

Well, up to you Mayor. Far as I am concerned, the case is over.

I suppose. What about the state folk? They okay with all this?

That had been his greatest worry but he didn’t let on to the Mayor. It had taken him a bit of talking to get Boone to sign the papers but at least this way there wouldn’t be any trouble. When the State boys had shown up it was anticlimactic as they barely glanced at the papers. Least there was something official so it made Keith Tanner’s death more legit.

Boone had given him a bit of an argument about it too. Still, he had managed to convince him that if he didn’t go along that it could only hurt Kip and his family. Boone had given in and Dante had made sure that the papers bore the date of several days earlier. He even managed to smudge some of his signature so it looked like it was routine. He had it all ready for the State boys too. The signed affidavit of acknowledging Boone Jones as a special deputy. The waiver for remuneration which had helped please the Mayor and kept the books clean. The signed oath of office was also there and he smiled as he realized how some papers with a town crest on it could make murder legal.

Course he didn’t really think Boone was a murderer but some would. It wasn’t a bad town but they just didn’t care for folks who were so obviously different. It didn’t seem to matter that Boone had served his country or had saved the lives of a small boy, two teenage girls, a sickly woman and two older boys. All they saw was the colour of his skin and him holding a smoking rifle. Well tough shit, least now they could rest a bit easier knowing it was legal, least on paper.

He felt like at last he was doing what he should have done himself long ago. Maybe if he had just shot Keith at the house that day all this wouldn’t have happened, but he had played it by the book. Now years later he knew that the book didn’t have all the answers. If the truth ever came out he’d more than likely go to jail for forging papers and covering up what really was murder. Boone had acted on his own and in his mind, Dante Miller was damn glad he had. There was no doubt he had saved Kip and his family. Too bad most around here wouldn’t see it quite that way.

Yep, the paperwork was all in order so course they are happy.

Well least you did that part right, still wish you had told me.

Better I hadn’t Mayor, least now you can blame me if folks get too uptight about it.

Don’t you think I won’t either. You have re-election coming up Dante.

Yep but if I lose, well I can always run for Mayor next year.

The Mayor just glared and then stormed out of the office. Dante Miller let out a loud laugh as the door banged shut loudly. Maybe he would run for Mayor just for the hell of it but he knew he wouldn’t. He was quite happy being Sheriff and besides, he could do more for Kip and his family and Boone as Sheriff than he could as Mayor. Besides, he rather enjoyed being a thorn in the side of the Mayor and the others. It made up a little for some of the things he had had to do as Sheriff of this burg.

——

The room smelled of grease and oil and yet it felt rather nice. His eyes were held by the face of the man who sat across from the ancient desk. He saw the mounds of paper scattered across its top and yet he knew that Boone could pluck any particular piece out without much trouble.

I don’t know what to say Boone…

Nothing to say Kip.

You saved our lives, I can’t just…

Let it go son, better it happened this way than any other way.

I would have shot him Boone.

He looked at Kip and knew that what he had said was true. He would indeed have shot and more than likely killed him too but he also could tell that it would have eaten him alive too. There was no mistaking the relief on Kip’s face that night, when he and Jesse had come racing out to see what had happened. Boone knew that he had saved a lifetime of pain for Kip and it made it all worthwhile to him.

I know, but like I said, better this way.

Why? I mean…

He was still your pa, I know, he never acted like one but better you don’t have his blood on your hands.

I suppose, still…

No still or anything, best this way so let it be.

The Sheriff okay with this? I mean you were at his office for a long time.

Boone couldn’t help but smile, though he tried to conceal it from Kip. He was as surprised as perhaps old Dante Miller himself was when he had walked over to see the body of Keith Tanner. He could still remember how the Sheriff had looked at the neat hole in the front and then at Boone’s rifle.

He said nothing for several minutes while people gathered around just in ear shot and then he grinned wide and slapped Boone on the back, telling him good job deputy, damn good job deputy Jones. He had almost fallen over in disbelief and he could hear the neighbours all muttering. Deputy was one word that kept being repeated over and over again and later, at the Sheriffs office he had been further surprised at how the Sheriff pushed the papers on him, insisting on him signing them all, including the waiver for payment.

The man had it all worked out in minutes, though he hadn’t been so sure he wanted to go along at first. He kind of relished the idea of a possible trial of his own but then reason took charge of him. It would only have hurt Kip and his folk and they had been good to him. Kip’s mom had been one of the few in town to invite him for dinner even though they had little to spare of their own. He didn’t forget those kind of things so he acquiesced and signed the papers. Now it was all legal and he rather enjoyed that notion.

More than that though it would enable him to do something he had only dared talk about with Kip. It had never seemed possible before but this had given him a way to do it. He sat there, staring thoughtfully at Kip, knowing how fond of the boy he had become over the short time they knew each other.

Course he is, you heard him tell you I had the right as a duly appointed special deputy and all that legal mumbo jumbo.

Uh huh, and Christmas is in July. Come on Boone, you and I both know that…

Listen Kip, sometimes there are things you just don’t say or question. Don’t make a deal out of this, it isn’t going to change the result and besides, this is one of those times when what you don’t know is best left that way. Catch my drift son?

But… yeah, okay but as long as you know that.. well that I appreciate all you did.

You are a good kid Kip, you deserve the help.

But you killed a man for me, I mean…

He wasn’t the first, though this perhaps was maybe one I can live with better than the others. So don’t you worry about old Boone here, I can handle this.

I know, still…

Still nothing. Besides, I been thinking I’d go visit some relations for a bit, think you and that friend of yours can handle this place on your own?

Jesse? Yeah we can, but, I mean what relations?

Distant kin, besides I been thinking. That fancy station up on the interstate, could use some decent competition and those ideas you had before, with that friend of yours helping maybe we can try some of them out.

Huh? But you said… I mean…

What? Can he or can’t he?

He can.

Then its settled. I’ll be gone for a bit, but I have arranged with the bank for you to manage things. Just make sure I come back to some cash in the account.

Boone…

Look, let’s be honest. If these changes are to work out, it won’t help if some black man who just shot some racist pig is around. It takes a long time for some folks to come around to modern ways, modern thoughts. Folks here are decent if you just give em time, don’t rub their noses in it so to speak. With me killing your daddy some will be upset, down right hostile if I try to capitalize on that with those changes.

Kip knew that the changes were something Boone had long dreamed of doing but for some reason never seemed willing to go thru with. Now he understood why which only angered him more. This wasn’t the late 60’s or 70’s and it shouldn’t matter what the colour of the man’s skin was or any of that. Still he knew Boone believed it did and maybe in some ways he was right. Many had not believed him or his mother at the trial, still he found it hard to accept.

Screw them then, If they…

Hush, stop talking like some school kid. You know I am right. Now with all that has happened if you start em up, well folks might be more inclined to take a chance out of guilt maybe, out of sympathy even and as much as that might gall you, you know that it about the only way for those changes to take hold properly.

I guess, but I don’t like it.

Neither do I son, I never really thought about it before, but I fought and saw friends die for this country only to come back to their hatred. Now I can at least see that some benefit from what I learned over there. Killing your pa wasn’t hard Kip, he deserved much worse and I am not sorry for my part in ending his life. I am only sorry it took so long. Now you can either let that hold you back or you can take the bull by the horns and make it work for you and your family and for me too.

I know, just that, well most of it is your idea, you should get the credit.

You knowing that is enough Kip. Now you have a chance, something I think you deserve, now just promise me one thing.

Anything Boone, just name it?

Stop thinking that all you have to offer is yourself, keep your pants on son.

Huh? I mean, what…

You know what I mean son, you can’t keep turning to that, this is your life Kip, make this work instead. It is a whole lot safer and besides, you will get older one day, better this works now, so deal or not?

Boone had never let on before this, yet he could tell exactly what Boone was referring to. Somehow though he didn’t mind that he knew. It was a shock and as much as he believed he could handle doing it still, it was nice to know that maybe now he and Jesse could put that behind them, permanently. It would be nice to not have to rely on that kind of work. He lowered his head as he thought for a minute then stared up at Boone’s waiting face.

In that one glance he knew that no matter how bad things got, that he had someone to go to, someone who would back him as best as he could. That made all the difference as tears welled up in his eyes. He could never repay Boone for how he now felt. Staring at the man he knew that Boone didn’t expect him to repay him in any other way than holding their friendship true. It was all he had ever hoped for as he now really did believe that he and Jess and his family had a chance to get out from under. The yoke of their past was suddenly removed and he shivered a bit as his head nodded.

Boone… yeah, deal.

Swear?

I swear.

Good enough for me then. Now get, your family could use you at home I think. Tomorrow is soon enough to get started. I’ll stop by later to see how you are getting on and with some papers from the bank for you. Now go on.

Kip stood up and as he did he saw Boone get up as well. They looked at each other and Boone held out his hand towards Kip. He looked at it and then up at Boone and shook his head. He moved in close instead and wrapped his arms around the burly ex Green Beret.

‘I won’t disappoint you’ was all he said as he hugged Boone and felt the man holding him tightly back. He didn’t need to say anything else as they both knew that he would honour his word. His heart was beating fast with excitement as he broke away. As he walked away he turned at the door to glance once more at Boone. He smiled as he noticed the small trickle of tears rolling down the dark face. He finally had a chance, and stepping out into the daylight he realized that he no longer had to face the world alone.

Chapter 14

Jesse felt a strange reluctance suddenly as the whole house was quiet. No one had really spoken since they heard the Sheriff’s car leave but he could feel the way Kip kept staring at him. It was uncomfortable and yet at the same time pleasing. He knew he had made the right decision with both Bailey and in being here. He needed to have Kip know where he stood, that he was 100% behind him. Whether it would make the rest easy he wasn’t sure, but he had to try. That much he knew in both his heart and mind.

Is he staying here?

The young voice startled Jesse and everyone else as they turned around to stare at the young boy standing in the hallway. He looked so young and yet as Jesse stared at him he felt nervous, as if something bad was about to happen. He couldn’t explain it as Kip answered his younger brother. At first all Bobby did was stare at Kip then he turned and ran into his room. The girls wondered aloud what was with him and then they screamed as Bobby returned.

Everyone froze as they stared at the big gun in the young boy’s hands. They saw how he could barely hold it up and how it wavered back and forth but was aimed at Jesse. Marilyn Tanner tried to stand up but her pain was too much as was the shock of seeing the gun in her youngest boy’s hands. Her hand went to her mouth as Kip stared at Bobby and then over at Jesse. With his eyes he tried to get Jesse to hold still which wasn’t difficult, considering how he felt at that moment. Panic was tearing at him as he tried to fathom why this kid was suddenly aiming a huge looking gun at him.

Bobby…

He can’t stay Kip, please…

Bobby put that down before you hurt someone.

I can’t let him stay Kip, you told me I am the man here, I can’t let him stay.

I know Bobby, but I am here now, so you can relax.

No, I saw him. He’s just like… he was…

Kip’s face grew chalk white as he tried to think, tried to figure out what Bobby was telling him. Was Jesse somehow involved with his father? No, it couldn’t be that and he hated himself for even thinking it but what could Bobby have seen, what could have made him bring that gun out here?

You saw Jesse? Where? What are you trying to say Bobby.

I saw him Kip, please, don’t let him stay.

He’s my friend.

How can he be? He’s like daddy.

Like daddy? No, no he isn’t anything like him Bobby, why would you… come on put the gun down and you and I can go talk.

No! He is like him, I saw, he is just like him.

Bobby, listen to your brother, you give him that gun this instant.

I can’t mom, you didn’t see him, I did…

Your brother knows him, he is a friend.

He isn’t, he is just like daddy, he does the same thing…

Kip felt a cold chill as he listened to the young voice, so filled with terror and yet so determined. He knew Bobby would use the gun if pushed and suddenly he felt frightened. How could all this be happening to him? Wasn’t it enough already for what they had to deal with never mind his youngest brother possibly hurting someone because of some unknown fear, some unknown association he had made between Jesse and his father?

Kips body was taut with the fear of what might be. He could hear the fear in Bobby’s voice as he spoke, the way it shuddered when he spoke about the man who was their father. God, why he wondered, why were such people allowed to exist? He struggled to keep his own voice soft and calm as he talked, feeling a growing sense of impending doom that he wasn’t certain he could survive. The mere thought of losing Jesse suddenly loomed in his thoughts and he felt the beat of his heart rising, giving him pain that seemed to echo in every part of his body.

Bobby, he isn’t like dad was, come on, you know I wouldn’t lie to you, now give me the gun and we’ll talk.

You sure?

I am sure.

But Kip he was… I saw him, he did to you what daddy did.

Jesse had seen the blood drain from Kip’s face as the young Tanner boy stood there in his pyjamas. He couldn’t help but admire the boy though the vision of that huge gun aimed at him was more than he wished to see of a gun. Yet as he stared at him he began to sense what had gone on, what Kip had been forced to deal with each day. He felt strangely guilty for thinking he had a rough life, when considering all that Kip had endured.

What? How…

I saw him, at the trailer… it was just like… I mean..

Kips body shuddered even as he spoke. It was like the gun had gone off but instead of hitting Jesse had hit him square in the heart. He had never once really thought that his father’s abuse had gone that far, but in listening to Bobby, in looking at him he knew he had been wrong. The realization only heightened his own need to end this matter, for all time.

How do you know what dad did?

He…. I do, that is all.

Bobby…

I do, okay? I know how it hurts… I saw him just like I remember…

Kip felt sick to his stomach as he didn’t want to believe it even though he knew now that it was true. He could hear his mother sucking in her breathe, knowing that if he was to turn to her he’d see the tears running down her face. She didn’t deserve to hear this, didn’t deserve to see her family in such pain.

He didn’t know what to do but then he heard Jesse’s voice and his face turned slightly to stare at him. He saw the way Jesse now stood, his body shielding the girls who were behind him. It was almost as if he figured that if Bobby shot, he wouldn’t give him a chance to miss, to stand before Kip’s sisters as a shield. It made him marvel at his friend’s courage as he stood there, desperate to find the words to ease his brother’s fears.

Bobby… I know what you saw, you were at the trailer awhile back weren’t you?

Yes

You think it was the same as what your, as what happened to you, right?

‘Yes

You are a pretty smart kid, so I know you will understand, but what Kip and I were doing, that wasn’t the same Bobby.

Yes it was.

No Bobby, not really, it looks the same but there is a whole difference in what we did and what your, shit, I cant’ call him a father, sorry, but I am not going to hide how I feel Bobby. Your father was sick, what he did was wrong, but it isn’t the same as what Kip and I did, you have to see that.

I saw you, it was just like how he did it…

Probably but Bobby, what your brother and I did, it was because we love each other. I didn’t force him to do it, he didn’t force me either.

That’s what he said.

Jesse saw the glare of Bobby’s eyes at him. He was confused and despite his age he had gone through more than he could imagine. God to think of how young he must have been when that animal did what he did to him, and worse, to have kept it a secret. He felt like just reaching out to grab him and hold him tight but he couldn’t. Not with that gun staring at him and the risk to the girls behind him or to Kip for that matter.

He had never been good with words, and yet his life maybe depended on just how good he could be. Kind of ironic he thought as he realized how much he wanted to stay here, to be a part of this family. It was like suddenly he had a reason for being but it needed him to convince them of it, starting with Bobby.

He was lying to you Bobby, what he did wasn’t love, wasn’t about caring. You are smart enough to know that now, that what he did was wrong but that what your brother and I, well what we did wasn’t like that. You saw us, as hard as it is for you if you think back you’ll know that what you saw Kip and I doing, was nothing like what he did to you.

You are just trying to trick me, it was the same, I know it is…

No, it wasn’t. Look at him Bobby, go on look at your brother and see for yourself.

Jesse held his breathe as he watched the younger version of Kip turn his face slightly. The gun wavered in his young hands as he stared over at his big brother. It was a moment of truth and he knew in his heart exactly what Bobby would see in Kip’s face.

I don’t see…

Yes you do, look at his face, is that how you looked at your father after? Is it?

No…

Is it how Kip looked at your father?

No…

Then you see, it is different because well, Kip and I care for each other in a way that is special, not bad.

But.. I mean, how? It still was…

Bobby was looking at him fully. Jesse could feel his eyes boring into him and he tried to remain calm, tried to hold himself steady as he knew how confused the young boy was. He felt his pain and as much as he wanted to glance over at Kip, he knew he couldn’t.

I love your brother Bobby, look at me, you can see that can’t you?

I don’t know…

Yes you do Bobby, you know that what you saw Kip and I doing isn’t anything like what he did to you. It is like, well, both Kip and your Dad have yelled at you for doing something wrong, right?

Yeah…

When Kip yelled at you, did you think he was being just like your dad, or was it different?

It was different.

It hurt more when Kip yelled at you didn’t it?

Yeah.

That was because you knew Kip was doing it because he cared for you, didn’t you?

I guess.

See, two things can be the same but not, what Kip and I did might look the same, but just like when he yells at you it is different than when your dad did, this is the same.

I don’t know, how do I know that? I want to, I mean..

Just look at Kip Bobby, look at him and you’ll know I am telling the truth.

The gun wasn’t quite pointing at Jesse anymore. Kip could feel the confusion in his brother and he stepped forward a bit, making Bobby turn and look at him from under his eyebrows. He could see him thinking, knowing that he was trying to connect the dots, trying to make sense of all that had been said to him.

He’s telling you the truth Bobby, come on, look at me.

Kip…

Look at me, you know I have never lied to you.

I know.

Kip had moved another step closer. He could see how the gun was heavy in Bobby’s hands and he could feel his fear too. So much for a kid to deal with but then, he was a Tanner, and maybe that made him stronger. He never really thought much about it before, but somehow all he had gone thru had made him stronger.

What Jesse had said was something else he’d have to deal with. He knew that he did have feelings for him, that what they had done back in the trailer was more than just a fling, more than just a release or casual thing. He didn’t know what had happened with Andy and then there was Bailey to think about. So much and yet as he stared at Bobby he knew that he’d find a way to sort it all out. It was like he knew that as overwhelming as it all seemed that he would find the way to get through it.

Then believe me Bobby when I tell you that what you saw isn’t the same. What Jesse is telling you is true. We are friends, in a way that maybe you can’t yet understand, hell that most adults can’t even understand yet but it isn’t like what he did. You know that cause I am telling you that. I don’t lie to you, you have to trust me Bobby.

I do Kip… it is just that…

I know Bobby…

It looked… it hurt so much, I don’t want him to hurt you… he’s coming back isn’t he? That’s why the Sheriff was here… I don’t…

The tears were flowing down the young boys face. His whole body was shaking as the gun was now aimed at the floor. His little arms hanging down shuddering as he tried to keep the fear at bay. It tore at Kip’s heart to see him this way and he knew that he needed to be here, to not leave again no matter what the county or anyone said.

It’s okay Bobby, come on, give me that and we can go to your room and talk.

I am scared Kip, he’s coming back and then when… when I saw Jesse doing… it looked the same Kip, really it did.

I know Bobby, I know. It’s okay, honest, okay?

If you say so.

I do.

Tears were rolling down his face as he held the gun out to his brother. Kip took it carefully and put the safety back on before setting it down. He gathered his younger brother up in his arms, wondering when the pain would ever leave him and his family? It was something he knew would always haunt him but now he knew it wasn’t just him that would have to bear the scars of what his father had done. It would be Bobby too and the anger rose up inside. He felt the determination that had always marked him as different.

The young arms encircled him and held him tightly. He could feel the young body shivering as he held him tightly, kissing him on the side of his face, feeling the salty tears as he held on just as tightly as Bobby. It was all he could do for now but the resolve inside grew harder.

The image of his father breaking in no longer held him in fear. He knew that nothing would stop him this time, that no fear or panic would prevent him from protecting his family from the man who claimed to be their father. His life was no longer a consideration as he held onto the crying boy in his arms.

Reflections of all that he had endured flashed before his own misty eyes. He could feel the man’s breath on his neck as his fingers spread his butt cheeks, as the vile stench of his alcohol soaked skin had violated his young body.

All of the times that he had been forced to endure that man’s attentions raced across his memory. Visions of the man’s red blotched face and angry eyes made his body tremble from fear and disgust. Images of the man’s crooked grin as he had slammed his body into Kip’s all flooded past his eyes but this time it was different. This time there appeared other images, other smells that made him hold back the unreasoning anger and hatred.

This time he could smell his own shampoo but from the strands of hair that had fallen across his face from Jesse’s head. This time he could feel the soft sensuous touch of a hand on his thigh instead of the course rough dirty hand. Now he felt alive instead of consumed by anger as he felt the entry of Jesse into his own willing body.

In his mind he knew that there were many things that needed to be sorted out. He knew that much was still left to be said and explained but in his heart he knew at last that the future was not bleak, was not filled with only dread and despair. He knew that despite the risks that lay ahead, there was a chance for a future, a real future and as he carried Bobby out of the living room he felt alive, for the second time in a short few days. The first had been when Jesse had first touched him back in the trailer.

Jesse saw the look as Kip passed by him with Bobby and he suddenly let his breathe out. It had all worked out okay so far and as he watched Kip carrying Bobby he felt uniquely proud of Kip. He couldn’t explain it to himself but it was like how a real parent would feel when the other partner was dealing with the kids. Strange, to think that he could even imagine himself as being a parent, never mind being a partner with someone. Still it made him feel good inside and he didn’t’ want the feeling to end.

So uh you and Kip, you two gonna live together after all this?

The girls voice startled him almost as much as the question did. Jesse turned around to look at Beth, with a feeling that his whole face was blushing.

Beth, now you stop being so nosey.

Yes mama.

Both of you, get into the kitchen and get some coffee going, and make up some sandwiches for the boys for later.

Yes mama.

Jesse watched the two girls leave, both of them stealing glances at him and at Kips mother as they left. It was odd but he kind of wished they would stay. He wasn’t too sure about being left alone with Kip’s mother and what to say if she asked him what he was certain she would. He looked down at his feet as he felt her eyes on him and he wished Kip would come back, but knowing that Kip would be busy with Bobby.

You did good Jesse McKnight.

Thank you ma’am.

Ma’am? Well you always did have manners, but you call me Mary, if you like.

Uh, thank you.

Well, kind of awkward to call me ma’am if you going to be around here lots, you are planning to stick around after all this trouble is finished, aren’t you?

Yes ma’am, uh, I mean Mary, least uh, if Kip is okay with it.

Never mind that, he wants it but sometimes that boy is too stubborn. You two are good for each other, you be good to him Jesse McKnight or I’ll not take kindly to you.

I will try to.

You’ll do more than try, you’ll do it or I’ll get the switch out now.

Yes ma’am.

And Jesse…

Yes?

Thank you, I was a might worried

That’s okay, Bobby wouldn’t have fired the gun.

Oh I know that, that isn’t what I meant.

Huh? I don’t…

I meant for sticking by Kip, for caring enough to stand by him, he hasn’t had it easy and I can rest easier now knowing that someone will be with him Just don’t you go disappointing me now.

I won’t.

Good, now why don’t you go see if one of my nosey girls can come and help me with my pills.

Yes ma’am.

Stop calling me ma’am, or I’ll think you don’t want to be part of this family and don’t you take any guff from them girls either. What you and Kip plan is between you two, for now.

Yes… Mary… I’ll keep that in mind.

Good, you are a good boy Jesse, now go on.

He walked away from the lady in the chair, feeling like suddenly everything was just perfect. The thought of facing Kip’s father was in the back of his mind but in his heart he felt like he had finally found his place in the world. Now if only he could convince Kip of that he thought as he walked into the kitchen, to see the two girls giggling as they made sandwiches on the kitchen counter.

——

The story had left him feeling drained and cold. His eyes had filled with tears several times as he listened to Chris’ halting voice detail all that had gone on. He still wasn’t sure what to make of Chris, and yet inside he felt like he was really being told the truth. Bailey, he could see, kept glancing at him and then at Chris, as if trying to gauge how each was handling the details of the story.

Andy still didn’t know what had gone at the service station that had made Bailey run from there, but he figured eventually Bailey or Kip might let him in on it. Still it rankled a little as he realized that things had not gone the way he had hoped tonight. Somehow he had blown it with Jesse and now his hopes to have fawned Bailey off onto Kip had backfired. Still he should be happy that Bailey found someone who cared for him, but was it really Chris?

Hell why did it even matter to him? He couldn’t shake the feeling that in some way he had missed out on something by looking beyond what was in front of him. Okay so he had taken pity on Bailey or had he been taking advantage of Bailey by letting him do that stuff before? Had he been any different than say Chris had been tonight?

His father had always told him they were part of the elite, that select group destined to lead with their wealth and power. Trouble was, had he fallen for that crap or was it perhaps true even? Andy felt confused as the emotions swirled around inside of him. All he knew for certain was that even with his money, his looks, he had missed out on having Jesse and now it seemed even his backup of Bailey.

Christ, just thinking about Bailey as some fall back fuck toy made him suddenly realize how cold and calculating he was. Inside he had always thought he was better than the Grant Waddington’s of the world but it appeared now that he was just as bad, just as conniving. He shivered a little as he saw the way Bailey kept looking at Chris. It made him jealous wondering if anyone would ever look at him that way.

Well one thing could be said for tonight, it sure as fuck was an eye opener. He felt a little bit overwhelmed by it all but still, it did feel kind of nice even if he wasn’t the one holding hands with anyone special. Still maybe there was something he could do about that, hell maybe Bailey had a brother but that thought quickly passed away. Andy resigned himself to what had gone on, and he felt sad for himself but happy for Bailey. Maybe after all he wasn’t totally like the Waddington’s of the world?

Grant isn’t going to like this.

Chris looked up and over towards Andy. He could see the piercing eyes staring at him but there was something different in the way they looked at him. He didn’t know why but he felt suddenly so much more alive than when he had first come to the room. It was like he had been lost and suddenly a rescue party had found him. It was still chilling as he thought about Grant and what this would mean. Yet it didn’t seem to frightened him as it used to.

Screw him and what he likes or doesn’t like.

And what about your family’s business? He’s pretty well their last hope, isn’t he?

How’d you… I mean…

My father told me. It’s not exactly a secret in our circle.

I see, you’ve known all this time?

Yeah.

He kind of knew that as much as his parents thought they had it all hidden it wasn’t. Grant had to know too and he realized that Grant had been playing him, that he never had any intention of interceding on his behalf. It struck him then that he really had nothing more to lose, except his own feelings. His dad’s plan was nothing more than grasping at straws and he had been the one to pay the price for it. He felt disappointed in his parents. Chris shrugged his shoulders as he spoke.

Well, public school isn’t that bad is it Bailey?

No, no it isn’t, but… I mean…

You are serious aren’t you Chris? About Grant and everything?

Yeah, I am. I don’t know, maybe it isn’t what my parents would want, but, well, I don’t know, this just, well, it feels right and if that means not having the money, well it’s not like I have much now anyhow, so I don’t go to Europe for winter break this year, doesn’t mean I’ll never go.

True, but it’s a big drop, socially.

So what? You know Andy, all this social shit, its nice but its boring really. I guess maybe I am not cut out to be rich, to play the game. I don’t know but I can’t remember when I had real fun, had a really good time. I think maybe for once I’d like to feel that. Ya know?

Andy looked down and he realized just how much he did understand what Chris was saying. He had hated the parties, the instructions on who to talk to, who to nod to or who to ignore. He never really had the friends he wanted, and his birthday party lists were always scrutinized by his father’s secretary, for improper names. No he knew full well what Chris meant and he wondered if those who sought the riches were aware of the sacrifices needed?

Honestly, I guess I do know what you are saying, takes a lot of guts though.

Guts? I don’t know, maybe but I am just so tired of the bullshit Andy, I am tired of the Waddington’s and…

And the Taylor’s?

No, I mean you been decent to me, even though I have been a shit…

It’s okay, look, maybe we can work something out, I mean if you are serious about all this?

I am and I appreciate the offer, I think, but I don’t want to, well, you know. I’ll manage somehow, guess the hardest part is telling my dad I failed.

Well don’t go rushing things, there is always options, why don’t you just kick back for now, and let me think on this for a bit?

Why? I mean, I appreciate it but…

I don’t know, guess maybe because you are right, that maybe there is something more to things than money or position. Maybe I am tired of it too, and maybe I want to.

Before coming to Bailey’s room, Chris had known inside that he had failed his family. He had known that the second he walked into Bailey’s room that everything his parents had hoped he would accomplish would fall apart and yet now, there seemed to be hope. Andy might swing it but did he want him to? It felt strange, to realize that someone might actually want to help, without strings or without being stroked like Grant insisted on. Maybe he had been wrong, maybe not everyone was like Grant?

You serious?

Yeah I am, look, you two can bunk here, I can go into town for the rest of the night.

No, no I mean, this is your room too.

Yeah well, it is also Bailey’s room and I’d say he’d like to have you stick around, right Bay?

Do you mind Andy? I mean… I know its kind of…

He wasn’t sure why he had made the offer, only that he had to. It felt kind of nice to be in the position where he could and the sadness at not having someone holding his hand sort of passed. He was young and there would be other opportunities and perhaps next time he wouldn’t rush into it in quite the same way. Maybe all this was a way for him to accept who he was and what he was?

Okay so it wasn’t the same or anything like what he had wanted but it did feel kind of good. He looked at both Chris and Bailey and felt kind of warm inside. Andy could see the twinkle in Bailey’s eyes and he had to admit to himself that it was nice to see. The sadness that it wasn’t for him was still there, but then life wasn’t always about getting what you wanted, sometimes you just had to accept second best.

No, it’s okay. Besides I feel like being by myself for a bit, to think on things, so how about we meet in the morning? There is that café in town, they make great pancakes… my treat, how about it? Say 10?

You sure?

Yes

I don’t know what to say man, I mean…

Don’t say anything, just, well just, you know.

I will, I promise Andy. Thanks.

Yeah, well I’ll see you two then at 10?

We’ll be there.

Great, okay, well later.

He had grabbed his overnight bag that he kept under his bed and was just closing the door when he heard the bed squeak. Andy smiled to himself knowing that Chris was no longer sitting on the chair. In so many ways it felt good to hear and yet he couldn’t help but feel a pang of regret for himself. Maybe it was self pity but then he had only himself to blame too. He hadn’t seen Bailey really, had fixated on Jesse and that brought another round of regret to him.

Walking slowly back to his car, Andy knew that he’d have to make it right with Jesse too. He couldn’t just leave it the way they had. It hurt still but somehow he felt better about himself than he had for a long time. Maybe all this was worth it in the long run. He shivered a bit in the night air as he climbed into the car and headed off campus to find the closest motel. Somehow he kind of felt like he’d have a good sleep.

——

The house was quiet at last. Everyone had finally gone to bed and now there was just him and Kip sitting in the living room. They hadn’t had much of a chance to talk and right now, it just seemed like the silence was what they both needed. He could see Kip was lost deep in thought and he wondered what was going thru his mind? Was he thinking of his dad or was he worrying about Bobby? Did he wonder if he could pull the trigger if needed or was he wondering if Jesse could pull the trigger?

He felt suddenly alone even though he sat next to Kip on the chesterfield. Jesse felt the cushions vibrate a bit with each deep breathe that Kip took, still he felt alone. There was so much he wanted to ask and to say but he felt afraid. The way Kip had looked at him earlier still filled his mind with thoughts of the two of them. He could still see the milky white flesh of Kips thigh that day in the trailer. How perfect he had appeared and well, also how damn innocent he had looked.

They both had a past but somehow that didn’t seem to matter anymore. All he could think about was how much he wanted to make this work, to get past this shit with that son of a bitch father and go forward. He found himself praying actually that surprised him. He never used to pray or at least not that he could recall.

Odd he thought, how danger and desire could make him think of God and stuff like that. He wanted Kip and inside he knew that it was right to feel that way, yet here he was, his fingers resting on a gun butt knowing that he was waiting to perhaps kill another person. Maybe Kip should worry if he would pull the trigger because at this moment he wasn’t sure if he could or not.

There had been moments when he had listened to Bobby and he had felt like he could easily pull that trigger but now, in the calm aftermath he had the doubts again. Could he do it? What if he couldn’t? What if he really was the coward his parents had thought him to be? It all filled his mind as he sat there, feeling so alone and yet, something kept nagging at him, kept trying to reassure him that anything was possible.

You feeling as scared as I am?

Kip’s voice startled him in the dim light of the room. He turned to face him and he saw the thin lines on Kip’s forehead etched against a chalk white face. His heart skipped a beat as he wanted to reach out and tell him it would all be okay even though he wasn’t sure of it. He took a deep breath, wondering what would be the end of all this? Hell would Kip’s old man really come back or were they maybe worrying for nothing?

I am petrified, does that count as being scared?

Haha, yeah it does.

Good, I’d hate to think I was being different.

Kip saw how Jesse looked away from him, how the nostrils seemed to flare just a bit as he took in a heavy deep breath. It was almost as if he could taste the fear that they both seemed to share. Yet despite that he felt oddly happy that Jesse was here, making him squirm a little. How could he feel so much for someone when he had spent his life avoiding such feelings? Looking at Jesse though made his heart skip a beat or two and he felt a growing warmth inside that brought a smile to his face.

You are different.

I know, sorry about that.

Don’t be, its kind of nice.

Yeah? Wait till you see how I am after a big meal.

No problem, you can do the cooking.

Funny ain’t you?

No, uh, Jess…

Yeah?

Thanks.

No sweat.

Yeah right.

Jesse could hear the panic in Kip’s voice. He felt the same way and it sort of surprised him that Kip did He always looked so calm, so in control that it made him feel all weird inside. It was almost like Kip was letting him see all of him, something that frightened him as well as excited him.

Well okay maybe a bit of sweat, but shit man, its gonna work out okay.

I wish I could believe that, it just seems so, so impossible at times, like it will never be right, I mean…

I think I do Kip, hell I have those thoughts myself.

Doesn’t look like it.

Yeah well you don’t either, but I guess that’s part of being a guy, sometimes I wish I could get away with what girls do.

What put on makeup?

Fuck… okay I asked for that.

Yeah guess you did, but I know what you mean. I always used to think a guy had to act a certain way, then too, all this. I mean, I don’t know, at times I wish I could just hide under my bed.

Can I join you?

Depends, you bringing the lube ?

Course, no way I letting you fuck me dry bud.

Haha, yeah well you aren’t exactly tiny tot yourself bud.

Thanks, but still…

Jess, I don’t know why you came back, but I am glad you did. I am sorry about Andy.

Yeah he’s an okay guy but Kip, I didn’t’ dump him because, well okay, I did dump him because I knew it wouldn’t work out, but that wasn’t the real reason.

No? But you said…

I know, see, when we talked after that time in the trailer, I was wrong.

Wrong? I don’t…

Jesse wasn’t sure why it had come to this but as he stared at Kip’s face, he knew in his heart that it would have come up no matter what. He had said it and now he realized just how much he meant it. It was sort of like suddenly opening your eyes for the first time in a new place, seeing things you had never seen before. Kip wasn’t just a pretty face to him, he meant something and he wanted to have Kip feel that way about him too.

Kip, you and I, maybe it won’t work out but damn it, I want to see for myself, I want to at least try to see if maybe, I mean, if we could… you know, maybe it would work.

You think? I mean you don’t know me that well or what I have done all that much.

Shit who cares about that? Christ you think I was some choirboy? Wait.. don’t say it.

Kip smiled at Jesse knowing that he was only trying to lighten the mood. It was like he could almost read his thoughts which made his pulse race a bit. There was no mistaking the desire in Jesse’s voice or his face. It was all he had wanted but never thought possible.

I won’t, but I know what you mean.

Yeah? Cool, I guess, I don’t know Kip, sometimes I know that we aren’t the only two guys in the fucking world who have to deal with shit like this, yet seeing you, watching how you are with it, kind of well, hell it makes me know I that I need to try, to see if we can’t be more than, well, more than just two guys who went to school and fucked. There is something about you, that well, I need, corny huh?

Me? What could I have that you need?

Strength, courage, I guess, damn it Kip you took all his shit and when he was finally gone, you didn’t pick up and run. You stuck it out here, you have single handed run this family and even when the county made you live elsewhere, you didn’t chuck it in. You stuck, something I never could do.

I dunno, never thought about leaving Jess, I mean there are the twins and Bobby and course mom, I couldn’t just pick up and leave em, not with her sick and all. Besides, I’d bet if you were put into that situation you’d have done what I did.

Really? You think more of me than I do Kip. I doubt if I would have. I’d like to hope I would have but I don’t know. Shit man, I don’t even know how you survived your old man all those years.

He knew Jesse was trying to support him but he didn’t feel like any damn hero. The truth was he felt like all this crap was really his own fault, that he should have done more before it got to this stage but how could he tell him that? How could he tell anyone that?

Staring at Jesse’s face he wondered if maybe he would understand? He had never told anyone before how he felt about all that had gone on, how sick it made him feel or how guilty. Looking at Jesse he thought that maybe he would but what if he didn’t? Would he or could he endure another disappointment?

Survived? I don’t know if I did. Not sure if I did things right, I mean I let him do stuff Jess, I shouldn’t have let him. If I had maybe spoke up sooner, or…

Bullshit, you were a kid, how were you supposed to know? I mean…

I knew Jess, that’s just it, I knew what he was doing was wrong, still I never told anyone, maybe if I had none of this would be happening now.

Crap, it would have only been worse. I remember how things were at school. They’d have called you queer then when you couldn’t defend yourself like you can now, and it wasn’t like the county or anyone would lift up a finger to help. Christ man I remember the trial, how that sleaze ball tried to say you had manipulated your old man into doing that stuff to you… that it was cuz you wanted him to. Fuck I even…

He was doing his job Jess, least I keep telling myself that was the reason but, well I don’t know sometimes I think back on all that happened. I mean, maybe I did ask for some of it, I mean I am gay, I do like cock like he said, so maybe there is some truth in all he said. It just is, I don’t know, don’t you see that? I just don’t know…