Night Prowler (11)
Chapter 11
‘Fate will bring two people together though
they are separated by one thousand miles;
fate will prevent two people from meeting
though they are standing face to face.’
– Chinese Proverb
Bailey & Kip
Bailey stared at his Timex watch, seeing the time growing late and he wondered what Andy was doing, pretty certain that he wasn’t exactly clothed and he felt kind of upset at that notion, wondering if he was doomed to being a tag along for the rest of his life or would he ever get the same sort of self confidence that people like Andy always seemed to have? He had to admit that having all that money behind you helped but still it wasn’t a guarantee, Christ all he had to do was look at Chris Clark or even Grant Waddington. They may act like they were unflappable but he knew different, he could see it in their eyes and in Chris’ case he could even smell it.
He stared out at the gas pumps where Kip was finishing up with a customer. Bailey let his eyes slowly take it all in, the way Kip was leaning over the window while the customer signed the credit card slip, and even in a pair of coveralls, he could see the tight firm shape of his buttocks. Christ he was horny, but not to whack off or anything but to have something more. Maybe Andy could be the one but judging by how he had looked at Jesse he rather felt like that too was a hopeless dream.
What was it about him that made people ignore him? He wasn’t vocal but before anyone even talked to him they seemed to just ignore his presence. Even when Andy showed up, he really didn’t even seem to see him there, like he was perhaps invisible to people but how could that be? Sure he worked hard but he liked to play too, if anyone would give him the chance. Thinking about that his eyes once more turned to seek Kip out and he felt his face flush as he saw Kip standing by the pump, staring over at him. Christ, it was eerie, the way Kip seemed to know when he was thinking about him and it was like he always caught him at it too.
His heart skipped a beat as he saw Kip come forwards, walking towards where he was sitting and he thought about the tall gas station attendant and how much he enjoyed hanging around with him. Kip never made like Bailey was invisible, and that was something to revel in, and even though he doubted he’d ever get further than a smile with Kip he couldn’t stop himself from dreaming. As Kip came closer Bailey noticed the bulge over by his left shoulder, the same bulge he had noticed earlier and his heart grew troubled by it, wondering what was happening, afraid to ask for fear that Kip would get angry but the more he looked at Kip, the more he thought about it, the more he felt frightened for Kip.
Kip could see a sheen of perspiration across Bailey’s face as he came closer and he wondered what was bothering him? He had been pretty silent all night long and at first he had thought that maybe Bailey was jealous of Jesse being with Andy but then he wasn’t too sure. In many ways he could feel for Bailey, after all here he was a smart kid thrust into a school of upper crust kids while his own background was just like his, a working class family and the two rarely mixed well. He didn’t understand that either but if he was honest he would admit that not the entire fault lay with the rich kids. The poor one’s were jealous too in some ways, and also they had maybe a sort of inferiority complex, something he really hadn’t considered until he had talked with Jesse. He felt that way himself so he could understand how it must be for Bailey, just as he knew how it was for Jesse.
Kip “So, you totally bored yet?”
Bailey “Huh? No, not at all, just wish I could do more to help, I like this, its, I don’t know, its fun really.”
Kip “Fun? Well I know it’s been called lots of things but fun? That’s a new one”
Bailey “Don’t you like it?”
Kip “Like it? Never really thought about it, don’t mind it actually, guess I like the fixing part but the pumping gas and all, that I could do without”
It felt weird, standing here and talking to Kip like they were long lost cousins or something. He could sense the wistfulness in Kip’s voice when he talked and it made an impression deep inside. Strange how he could sort of almost feel what Kip was feeling, not from the words or anything but from the way he spoke, the way he looked. It sort of gave him a sense of closeness that he had never felt with anyone else, not even Andy. With him he was always on edge, eager to please, wanting to actually and yet here, talking to Kip he felt like he could perhaps just be himself, whoever or whatever that was.
Bailey “Yeah, they always seem in a hurry, always honking and even yelling, man people can be jerks can’t they?”
He turned to stare at Bailey, wondering if he had anyone special in mind when he said that, thinking of how he had looked at Andy and Jesse when they had roared out of the lot, and for a moment or two he too felt a sort of pang, a sort of loss but he quickly shook it off, knowing that he and Jesse were better off as friends instead of lovers. Besides, in many ways being friends was more intense than being a lover, after all the responsibilities were the same except there weren’t quite the same fringe benefits as their was with being a lover.
Kip “Yeah, they can, but most are nice, least if you give em half a chance”
Bailey “You think?”
Kip “Uh huh, sometimes it just takes a bit of time before they get used to you or you to them, but yeah, most are okay really”
He could feel the way Kip was looking at him and it made him feel uneasy, almost as if Kip was trying to read his mind or something. The way he kept looking at him, his eyes so piercing and as much as it troubled him it also made him feel sort of special. His mind wanted to block it, to run but his heart refused, quite willing to deny Kip nothing, as if there was an attachment that he had yet to figure out.
Bailey “I’ll take your word for it”
There was a strange bitterness to Bailey’s voice that made him stand up and stare a bit harder at the young boy. Bailey seemed to be so crest fallen and yet angry too. It was as if deep inside of him was a boiling cauldron of pent up emotions, threatening to explode. He knew all about that kind of anger, after all he had his own burning pot inside, but it didn’t seem so hot these days, least not since Jesse had shown up. Hell he even was changing his opinion of the Sheriff and that in itself was a minor miracle.
Kip “That’s awfully nice of you”
Bailey “Huh? Shit, sorry, didn’t mean it to sound like that”
Kip “Okay, so what’s eating you?”
Bailey “Nothing, nothing really”
Kip “No? Seems there is, not trying to pry but, hell you seem nice enough and you do seem to like being here, just thought, well, that maybe you’d like to talk or something…”
Bailey “Really? You’d talk with me? How come?”
There was something in the way Bailey spoke, the way his face tilted to one side as he listened to Kip, trying not to stare but not succeeding very well but it was more than that too. Kip couldn’t explain it, but something about Bailey was reaching him, in a way that reminded him of when he first talked with Jesse but different, if anything, it was more intense, more deeper and he shivered a little inside, wondering what it was that attracted him to Bailey?
Kip “Be kind of quiet otherwise, besides, like I said, you don’t seem to be like most of the other’s from there”
Bailey “Sorry, no one ever asked me before, least not the way you seem to mean it, it’s almost like you really care.”
Kip “Wouldn’t ask if I didn’t”
Bailey turned to look right at Kip. The way he had said it, so softly and yet it was almost like a sledgehammer inside his head as he looked up from under his eyelashes into Kips face. He looked so handsome the way he stood there, his coveralls with the grease stains and oil stains, yet you could see the outline of something more, like the coveralls were masking something that even they couldn’t hide if one just looked hard enough. His heart skipped a couple of beats as his imagination took hold for a few seconds but which he quickly shelved. He had been down this road before, couple of times and each time what he had thought he had seen turned out be nothing but a ruse, a come on, for something else that always left him feeling cheated, feeling used and yet this felt different, almost real even.
Bailey “You do? How come?”
It was like Bailey couldn’t believe that someone could care about him, almost as if he was resigned to being just someone’s tag along, someone’s friend of convenience even. Kip could sense the loneliness and he knew how that went, after all he too was more or less a loner.
Kip “Can’t say really, not sure it’s any one reason or even if there is one, you seem like someone I want to know is all, can’t know a person if you don’t talk with them, know that much. Don’t you ever feel that way about people you meet?”
Bailey “Sometimes, just that it never seems to, I mean guess I am too shy to just walk up and talk.”
Kip “Me too”
Bailey “You don’t seem like that”
Kip “It’s the job I suppose, kind have to talk to people, guess the place sort of helps, maybe pumping gas isn’t as bad as I thought”
Bailey “Still has to be rough at times, I mean, how do you know when to talk to someone you want to? Don’t you get nervous or scared?”
He could see the concern in Bailey’s face and yet how did he answer him? How do you explain the fear you have when walking behind some dark alley with a stranger, wondering if he’ll fork over the money after he sucks your cock or will he beat the crap out of you? How do you explain that each time you meet someone who stares at you, you wonder if he’s looking at you because you dress nice or that maybe he knows what you are and is wanting to bash your brains in? How do you explain the fear that each time you walk to work or walk home that you keep looking over your shoulder expecting your own father to come attacking from the bushes? His heart ached as he thought about how much fear he really did feel, and how alone he really was, and how that in itself was more frightening than all the rest.
Kip “Scared? Yeah I suppose, but there are a lot more scarier things than talking to strangers”
Bailey looked into Kip’s face, and he saw the way his mouth had grown tight, the lips pursed and his eyes even, they had taken on a sort of blank far away look as if Kip was suddenly somewhere other than at the gas station. He could almost feel the increased tension and he started to look away, uncertain whether to ask more or to let it drop, and yet as he started to move his head down and away, he couldn’t help but notice once more the bulge under Kip’s arm, the sign of something large and menacing. His heart quickened as he wondered if Kip was in danger, if someone was after Kip and all sorts of wild thoughts went racing through his mind as he stared down as his feet, feeling frightened in a way he had never quite felt before. It wasn’t fear for his own safety either and as much as it scared him, it also felt warm inside, like in some strange way it was good.
Bailey “That’s true I suppose”
Kip “Yeah, so, want a cup of coffee and yak for a bit, think those two are going to be gone for awhile”
Bailey “Sure, if you really want to”
Kip “Wouldn’t ask otherwise Bailey.”
Bailey “I do want to, Christ I am sorry, I sound like a real moron don’t I?”
Kip “Nah, maybe a bit shy is all, I sort of get that way at times too, but I don’t know, it’s kind of nice to have your company, so heck if you wanna talk I don’t mind listening”
Bailey “I guess, I just, no one ever really ever asked me that before, least no one like you, it’s kind of, well daunting actually”
They had moved inside to the office, where Kip was pouring the coffee out into two white enamel mugs. He couldn’t quite explain it, but he could feel the way Bailey kept following his every move, almost like a puppy dog would do and yet there was something thrilling about it. He couldn’t explain it except that he felt rather warm inside, having someone like Bailey around and there was something almost electric in how at times their eyes would meet and flash, as if trying to peer in behind the walls they both seemed to have up.
Kip “Oh? Why is that, ‘cause I work in a gas station instead of going to college?”
Bailey “God no, it is just that you are so, well, together I guess is what I mean”
Kip “Together? Me? I don’t think so Bay, sorry, okay if I call you Bay?”
Bailey “Sure, I mean, hell, no one ever gave me a nickname”
Kip “Really? Didn’t have a lot of friends in school?”
Bailey “Not really, not what you would call friends I suppose, always had my nose in a book, studying so I could get good marks and get a scholarship somewhere, we never had the money otherwise, or maybe it was just I never wanted anyone too, maybe its my own fault, I don’t know, kind of hard to explain”
Kip “I think I know what you mean, I am sort of that way too, a loner really”
Bailey “But you have Jesse, that’s not… sorry, I…”
Kip “No, it’s okay, yeah I guess I do have Jesse, but he only showed up a few days ago, until then it was just me and the family really, stuck to myself mostly, still do I suppose but Jess and me, we are a lot alike, and I think we are good friends now too, which is kind of nice, least it feels good inside.”
Bailey “Just friends?”
Kip “Haha, yeah, you sound surprised, don’t you think we could be friends?”
Bailey “Uh no, no I didn’t think that, sorry, I, just nervous I guess…”
Kip stared at the brown liquid in his cup, wondering just what Bailey was thinking, if he was perhaps wondering if he knew what Andy had in mind for tonight? Seemed rather odd the way Bailey was hanging around in some ways but then he was so desperate sounding, like he really was just nervous around strangers and yet he hadn’t been this tongue-tied last time he was here. Could he be jealous of Jesse being with Andy or did he even know about what they were up to? He glanced over at Bailey and saw the way he acted, the way he was holding himself and Kip was pretty certain that Bailey knew about Andy and Jess, but the way he spoke, the way he had looked when he thought that he and Jesse were more than friends, and the relief in his voice when he had told him they were just friends. Could Bailey be interested in him or was he doing what he always did, reach out and hope for something that just wasn’t there?
Kip “Nervous huh, what you nervous about?”
Bailey “You…”
Kip was startled by the single word answer and he stopped bringing the cup up to his lips, staring instead at Bailey’s own surprised face. He looked as stunned as Kip felt by the words and he could see the beads of sweat starting to pour down Bailey’s forehead. His eyes were just like a deer’s eyes caught in the glare of headlights at night, and Kip’s heart raced a little, feeling for Bailey and at the same time, wondering if maybe there really was hope, that maybe there really was someone out there for him.
Kip “Me? How do I make you nervous?”
Panic was gripping at his heart as he stared everywhere but towards where Kip was. How could he have been so stupid as to blurt that out and now what, how was he going to explain this to Kip without telling him, without revealing to him what he was thinking? Christ he was such an ass and yet Kip didn’t seem angry, least not now but if he knew, if he found out he would be and for whatever reason, that scared him more than the idea of telling Kip how he felt. He just couldn’t stand it if he made Kip upset or angry, and what about Andy? Christ Andy would be pissed at him too, and Bailey could feel his body shaking, terror ripping into him.
Bailey “I am sorry, I shouldn’t have said that…”
Kip “It’s okay, calm down and tell me how I make you nervous”
The words were soothing, the tone even comforting and yet in his heart all he could feel was pure panic. How did he keep getting himself into these messes? First with Andy, now with Kip and he could feel the tears welling up at the corners of his eyes as the terror seemed to be growing, threatening to only add to his discomfort.
Bailey “No, I didn’t mean it, least not in… fuck, I am sorry Kip, please…”
Kip saw the way Bailey’s face was going ten different shades of white and he could almost hear the thunder of Bailey’s heart as he struggled for air even. It was like he was having a panic attack and it scared him a bit. Bailey was the nervous type but still, why should he be so upset over this? For a brief instant he felt impatient and then as he stared at the tears slowly starting to roll down from Bailey’s eyes, and the sudden trembling of his body, he realized that for some strange reason, it mattered to Bailey what he thought of him. He stood up, placing the coffee cup down and walked over to where Bailey was, and placed his hand on the boy’s shaking shoulder, his other hand he placed under his chin, raising the tear stained face to look into his own face.
Kip “It’s okay Bailey, I am sorry, I didn’t want to make you nervous, come on, maybe if you tell me how I make you nervous I can explain it or make you see that it’s not what you think, I am not gonna be angry with you or anything, kind of think you are nice actually, so come on, you have nothing to be afraid of, I don’t bite, honest.”
Bailey “It’s not you, it’s me, Christ I feel like such an idiot, I am sorry…”
Kip “Hey it’s okay, honest, now come on, what is it?”
Bailey “Nothing, really, just me being a paranoid jerk is all”
Kip “You know, I think there is something, and not sure how things work where you come from, but here, with me, that isn’t how friends act, you got a problem with me, you owe it to me to tell me what it is, least, that’s how friends act, so, if you wanna be friends…”
Bailey “I do, it is just, just, that if I tell you, you’ll hate me… I couldn’t stand that…”
Kip “I won’t hate you, I promise”
Bailey “Yes you will”
Kip “Hey, look, come on, look at me Bailey”
Bailey lifted his head up, the tears rolling down his cheeks and his eyes were misted as he stared into Kip’s face. He didn’t see any anger there, as he wiped away the tears and took in a deep breath. The touch of Kip’s hand on his shoulders was strangely calming even though deep inside he could feel the turmoil that Kip’s touch was having in his soul. He ached to just reach out and wrap his arms around Kip and let his head rest on Kip’s shoulder but he held back, the fear holding him powerless.
Kip “There, that’s better, now listen to me, okay? I mean it, listen”
Bailey “Please, you don’t have to, I am sorry for being such a…”
Kip “Hey, I said listen, okay?”
Kip’s voice suddenly had a ring of steel to it and it made Bailey stop shaking, his fear suddenly held in check as he stared into Kip’s face. There was something commanding, something forceful that he hadn’t seen clearly before, but looking into Kip’s face he could see it now, feel it even as it reached out to hold him quiet, to still the terror that filled his heart.
Bailey “Okay”
Kip “Good, look Bailey, I don’t know what it is that’s got you all uptight, I mean you seem nice enough, you seem to like to hang around here with me, I know I enjoy it…”
Bailey “You do? Really?”
Kip “Yes, I do, I like your company, you don’t come across as one of those spoiled jerks or morons that come from there, guess that’s cause you aren’t, and we can be friends if you want…”
Bailey “I do, honest, I…”
Kip “Yeah but you have something else on your mind too, least I think you do, and I kind of have an idea what it is”
Bailey “you do?”
Kip “I think so”
Bailey “Is it that obvious?”
Kip “No, not really or maybe it is, I am not good at figuring out this stuff Bailey, maybe you have the wrong idea of me, maybe not, I have no way of knowing until you tell me what it is”
He could smell Kip’s cologne and even his dried sweat and it felt so good, the aroma and all and even his eyes seemed to be saying what his mouth was, but he couldn’t, there was no way he would risk what little he had. Least this way he could still hold onto his dreams of Kip, least this way he could still feel like there was a chance for him but if he spilled it, if he told him then it would all come crashing down and he’d not even have the dreams.
Bailey “I…. I can’t, I just can’t”
Kip “Why not? You think I might get angry at you?”
Bailey “Yes”
Kip “So? Maybe I will, but maybe I won’t, ever think of that? What if I don’t, what if I actually want to hear what you got to say?”
Bailey “Believe me you won’t”
Kip “How do you know?”
Bailey “I just do, okay?”
Kip “No, its not okay, how do you know”
Bailey “Fine maybe I don’t know, for sure, but…”
Kip “But nothing, you really want to just think you know? Thought you were a smart guy, thought all you smart guys wanted to know for sure, that it was the not knowing that got your motors running, or maybe you just ain’t that smart?”
Bailey “I do want to know…”
Kip “Then ask, find out one way or the other, hell you might be wrong you know, the answer may not be what you expect”
Bailey “It will be”
Kip “You can read my mind?”
Bailey “No, I just know it will be”
Kip “Prove it”
Kip’s voice had risen a few octaves and there was a sort of anger in his eyes that flashed as he spoke. Bailey could feel it and worse he felt his own anger, his own frustrations even as he spoke, as he tried to keep control but he could feel it slipping, feel it being replaced by the challenge to his intellect, to his whole life really and his trembling was no longer from fear.
Bailey “Fine, I’ll prove it, you really want to know? You sure you want to hear this?”
Kip “Yes”
Bailey “Fine, I think you are drop dead gorgeous, I think you are the hottest person around and I wish I could have you to myself, I wish that you would be more than just my friend, that you’d be something I have only dreamed of, there, that’s what I wanted to say, that’s why you scare me, ‘cause you haunt my thoughts, you make me think that maybe I too could have what Andy has, and others, that I could measure up to someone like you and be accepted into your world as a partner, as someone you could care about, so that each time you looked at me I’d know it was for me, for more than someone to talk with, for someone to hold and be a part of, that’s what I wanted to ask, to see if a jerk like me even had a chance at your affection, at being something more than just the tag along kid, the one who gets dropped off while the real people go do more than talk, to be more than just a side kick.”
Kip had felt the pent up anger, had seen the way Bailey’s eyes had flared and it was almost as if lightning was flashing inside those warm brown eyes as he spoke in a rush. Kip felt the words even, knowing that he was right and yet suddenly feeling his own fears coming forward, his own doubts as he listened to the rushed words echo in his mind.
Kip “And you think I’d say no?”
Bailey “Of course you’ll say no, shit, I am sorry, I knew I shouldn’t have…”
Kip “I am not saying no Bailey”
For a second he stopped breathing, he couldn’t believe the soft words or the strange look that suddenly was on Kip’s face. He had tried not to stare, had known it would be useless to do that, but he just wasn’t strong enough. He had seen the eyes grow wide and for a brief instant he had thought he had seen something behind the glassy glimmer of Kip’s deep blue eyes. Just for a moment, a burst of hope seemed to ride triumphant in his body but was quickly dampened by the reality of his mind’s thoughts.
Bailey “But you aren’t saying yes… you aren’t? I mean…”
Kip “No, I am not saying no, I am not saying yes either, because there are things…”
His hopes had suddenly risen as Kip started to speak and then reality set in and he felt his hopes being dashed in the cold light of reality. He could feel the anger inside too, knowing he had blown it by rushing and not being more convincing, knowing that maybe if he had said things differently the outcome might have been changed, but deep inside he knew that wasn’t true either. He knew he had blown it again, as usual.
Bailey “Yeah I know, ‘things’ stuff that keep us apart, ‘things’ like background, like education, money, ‘things’ always ‘things’ that make it hard for us to be that way, I know the answers, told you so”
Kip “I don’t think you do”
Bailey “No? Sure sounds like I got em right”
He felt Bailey’s bitterness and he could understand it, having experienced it himself more times than he cared to admit to. Even the dream of him and Jesse had quickly been dashed, and he knew that it was for the best, that it was the right decision it didn’t ease the pain any, it didn’t fill the emptiness he felt even in the middle of rush time, so he did understand it, if only what Bailey said was real, of only what he thought of him was true, maybe then there would be a chance.
Kip “No it only seems that way, there are things you don’t know about me that may change your mind about me, you have no idea who I am, you think I am drop dead gorgeous huh? Well I don’t think so, I don’t feel that way anyways, most of the time, shit most of the time I feel like I am just so much dirt…”
Bailey “You what? But Kip you are gorgeous, I mean you are hot, the way your face looks, the way your eyes are, the hair, everything about you makes me, makes want you, there is nothing I don’t know about you that could change that, honest… nothing.”
Kip “Nothing huh?”
Bailey “Nothing”
Kip “Right, you want me, right?”
Bailey “Yeah, but…”
Kip “Fine, you got $50?’
Bailey “Yeah but what…”
Kip “Okay, that’s what it costs, you want me, you can have me, like anyone else who has $50 or $100 or even $20 if its been a rough week, so, how about it, shall we head to the john and do it? We can go out back if you prefer outside, what’s your pleasure?”
His heart was pounding and he was confused. Kip wasn’t yelling or anything but it felt like he was, his whole body was shaking as he listened to the words reverberate inside his mind, the shock only making his jaw open and his breath come in short gasps. This wasn’t what he had expected; it wasn’t the answers he had thought Kip would give for not wanting him. The sweat on his palms were nothing compared to the fear that rose up from his soul, his dreams of Kip being replaced by images of Kip bending over a barrel, some old guy snickering, some old guy leering as he dropped his own pants. He shook in fear as he saw those images, because they weren’t images conjured up by his own mind, they were images reflected deep in Kip’s own eyes.
Bailey “Stop It! Don’t, you aren’t, why are you, don’t Kip”
The shock was written all over Bailey’s face, he could even see his body shaking as the words penetrated his mind. Kip felt the horror hitting Bailey and he sighed inside, knowing that he wasn’t playing fair, that he wasn’t really giving Bailey much of a chance but then life wasn’t about being fair, least he could do was be honest with Bailey, let him know what he thought was real wasn’t. He owed him that and maybe hearing about all this, maybe he could move on and not fall for him, maybe this way he could see past the outer packaging a bit and maybe it would help him later on, when he found someone truly worthy of his love and friendship.
Kip “Nothing can change your mind huh? You should see your face, but come on, you want me right? Well you can have me, it’ll cost you $50, anytime you want, all you need is the cash Bailey, hell I’ll even add you to my list of regulars, how about that Bailey, want to do me regular like? Give you a real good rate too, after all, you at least aren’t 50 with a huge belly, so how about it?”
Bailey “I… I…”
The harsh ringing bell made them both turn and stare out at the gas pumps, where two cars had pulled in. Bailey couldn’t speak as Kip merely glanced at him, a sort of strange expression crossing his face. Bailey could barely even look, his eyes were so clouded by a mass of jumbled twisted thoughts, all of them adding to his own confusion. He watched, his heart suddenly aching as Kip left the office and headed towards the pumps, his body moving slowly and all the time Bailey could still hear his words, like bullets to his heart and the tears rolled down his face.
He stared out at the pumps, watching as Kip served first the one in the red pick up truck and then the one in the sports car. He didn’t even glance back once and Bailey could tell by the way he walked, the way Kip moved around the two vehicles that Kip was holding back his own pain, was making the effort to just do his job. The things he had said hurt, he could feel the pain as it eased a little, the tightness around his throat easing a bit, the feeling of wanting to throw up passing and yet he could still feel his stomach churning, the acid still pouring up into his throat as each kept hearing the cold cruel words over and over again.
Anger was growing inside, anger because he hadn’t expect to be told that all he was to Kip was a potential trick, a potential client and he hadn’t wanted that, hadn’t wanted it to come across like that and yet somehow it had. He wasn’t sure if he was to blame or Kip was, all he knew was that he was right, Kip didn’t want to hear how he felt, and for all his smiles, all his soft spoken words, Kip really wasn’t nice, or so it seemed to him at that instant in time. The more he stood there the more foolish he felt, the more angry he got and he wondered what would be next, what would Kip say next?
His mind was reeling, he really couldn’t figure it out, it was like Kip hated what he did, but he did it, so why was he so pissed at him for that? Bailey didn’t really understand how some guys could do that, sell their bodies to old men and stuff but lots did, he wasn’t totally naïve, still, if Kip didn’t like it why did he do it? Was it for the money or the sex? What kind of sex could it be if it was with some old geezer who drooled and smelled from booze? Wasn’t sex supposed to be fun, to be something you wanted to never end and yet the way Kip made it seem, it was something to get a few bucks, that fun never entered into it. He stared at Kip as he bent over the sports car window, saw the outline of his buttocks and it still made him shake a bit, but no longer the same way as before. Now he was wondering what others did, how many were there and how could Kip let someone he didn’t care about touch him in that way? Didn’t he have any self respect, didn’t he care about himself or was there more that Kip had yet to explain?
Bailey felt dirty, not from being with Kip but at how angry he had made him. Still, it wasn’t really his fault, was it? Kip didn’t have to get so angry at him, he only wanted to try and let Kip know that he cared for him in a special way, and yeah he did think about the sex, but not, not in the way that it seemed Kip did. Staring at him, watching his shoulders sagging a little as another truck pulled in, Bailey wondered if maybe he should just head back to the college? Maybe he should just walk back instead of staying, at least that way Kip wouldn’t feel like he owed him any more explanations, or worse, make any more suggestions like the one about being a regular. Christ, just the idea of having to pay seemed so wrong, and yet, if he had the money would he? Could he?
Gradually his anger had dissipated and yet now, as Kip continued to service customers at the pumps, his mind began to explore more of what Kip had said to him and he leaned against the doorway, watching Kip in a different light, seeing him as something different, no longer the tall mystery guy that he had fallen for, instead he was more like someone who could be what he wanted, or at least who could indulge him in his fantasies, and maybe there was a way. He didn’t think that $50 was really what Kip charged people, he was sure it had to be more than that, because as much as Kip’s words hurt, he still could see that Kip was just as he had said he was, drop dead gorgeous, least in his eyes. That hadn’t changed really, well not that much and in some ways though, maybe Kip had become more attractive to him too.
He shook his head and wiped the tears from his face as the thoughts kept coming to him, thoughts that he were becoming used to and becoming confused by. His anger was real, he knew that Kip didn’t need to be so cruel in telling him how he earned money and he sure as hell didn’t have to make Bailey seem like it was all he had wanted, though there was some truth to it. He did want to know Kip that way, sexually that is, but he never thought that he could have it on those kinds of terms. Maybe he just didn’t really understand how it worked, after all he never really ever had much money, they weren’t a rich family but they weren’t poor either. Maybe it did make a difference, maybe if he had been poorer, maybe if he didn’t have a chance at earning a scholarship he too would consider doing what Kip was, but he doubted that. He just didn’t think he could let someone he didn’t care about touch him, let alone fuck him. How could Kip do it? Was he that empty of feelings or maybe he liked it and didn’t want to admit to it? Could it be that he just liked sex so much that it didn’t matter to him who it was with?
Kip Tanner
He could feel Bailey’s brown eyes digging into his back as he walked towards the pumps and he could still hear the roar of his heart as it beat loudly inside his chest and still he couldn’t seem to control the raging emotions that were flooding thru him. He concentrated on the two vehicles ahead, refusing to turn back, refusing to run back and tell Bailey he was sorry because he wasn’t sure if he was really. There was no explanation for why he had gone off like that, he doubted if Bailey had meant anything and in fact, he kind of knew that Bailey hadn’t implied anything bad either, it was just that, the way he looked, the way he had spoke, it all just hit him in a place he didn’t think had any life left in it.
His whole mind was whirling as he tried to figure it all out. One thing was certain, Bailey was or at least had been infatuated with him, and that was dangerous, very dangerous and deep inside his soul he knew that what he had done, he had no choice in. There was too much at stake right now and maybe he could have explained it, maybe he could have sat down and simply told Bailey why things were different for him and why he couldn’t fall in love with him, though part of his heart still wished he could.
It was like a bolt had hit him while they had been talking, almost as if he suddenly knew what it was that Bailey had been driving at, even though he also knew that Bailey wasn’t even sure himself. The whole idea of him and Bailey was something dreams were made up of, not reality and he had to focus, had to live in the real world not some fantasy world where love existed. With Jesse it was different, Jesse understood him and more than that, Jesse had been there, lived in the same hell that Kip lived in so it was easier with him, he understood it.
Still as much as his mind told him that he done the right thing, that it was for the best to end this now before Bailey got hurt worse, his heart continued to fight with him. It still seemed to have this idea that love could work in the real world, that maybe Bailey was his real chance at some happiness that could last beyond an hour or two, but his mind was just ad adamant that it couldn’t. He wished for a moment or two that Jesse was here, that maybe he could talk to him about it and yet he was kind of glad he wasn’t.
As much as Jesse had gone thru all he had, he hadn’t quite gone through everything the same, and somehow Jesse still seemed to have hope inside, have some idea that things could be better for the likes of him and Kip which was something Kip knew was a pipedream, least for him. Hell, he didn’t even know if he would make it through the week let alone a whole lifetime, so how could he expect Bailey to sign on for that kind of life? Didn’t he have it rough enough trying to adjust to his life at the college and all? Least he had a chance and who was he, Kip Tanner, to take that away from Bailey? He was doing him a favour by being honest with him, by showing him that the real world wasn’t all about love and affection, that dreams didn’t always happen or even come close to being true, least not for people like him. Bailey had a chance, if he stuck to school and learnt from those he went to school with, from guys like Andy and the others.
Maybe he was being unfair to Bailey, maybe there was more to him than what you saw at first glance, but somehow he didn’t think Bailey had the strength that he would need if there were to be anything between them. Hell, he didn’t have that kind of strength so how could he expect Bailey to? Besides, he couldn’t afford to give up his ‘other work’ and live on just what he got from the station. He had three teenagers to support as well as an ailing mother, never mind his own limited needs. Minimum wage even with the added extra’s that Boone gave him wasn’t enough by itself, and without the added income from the dancing and the tricks the dancing brought him, he knew he couldn’t do for his family, and he was all they had. No, it was best that Bailey didn’t get attached, and he should have seen it from the beginning really, should have not let Bailey get inside his defences so easily.
If he could, he’d have cried, or at least so he thought but there wasn’t the time for it. He had customers and as much as Boone was a good boss, he didn’t think Boone would keep him around if he ignored the customers simply to try and explain his feelings to some college kid. Kip refused to answer the call from his heart, refused to let himself turn and look even once at Bailey inside the office and so he continued to service the customers, even as his heart ached more with each passing second.
The cars kept coming in a regular flow and Kip glanced at his watch, knowing it was the late crowd returning from up the interstate and in many ways he was glad that it was happening now, glad that he didn’t have to go back to the office to explain what he said, even though he knew he would have to eventually. His heart was still thumping loudly and he felt uneasy still, not quite sure why or what was causing it but he chalked it up to just being nervous, being uptight about trying to end something he should never had let get started. He didn’t blame Bailey, it was his own damn fault for giving in to those dreams, those fantasies that the likes of him could actually be desired for more than what a few bucks could buy.
Maybe he’d feel differently about all this, about being a male hustler and exotic dancer if he’d had a different father than Keith Tanner? Not a father who cared, just one who maybe didn’t take such perverse delight in torturing his family, in tormenting them with his vile hatreds for all things that weren’t lily white and protestant? Maybe then he’d not feel so dirty about his own actions, maybe he’d still have some hope left like Jesse did, but then again, maybe not. Trouble was, he’d really never know because he didn’t have a different father, he had Keith Tanner and that had to be his focus now. He couldn’t afford to be caught off guard, not if he was to survive or at least not if he was to keep his sisters and brother and mother free from anymore of Keith Tanner’s torture.
Strange really, he had known five years ago that when they took his father away that it wouldn’t be the last he’d ever see of him. He knew in his heart then and there that they would meet again and that they would have a day of reckoning between them, only trouble was, even now as then, he wasn’t sure who would come out on top.
He had studied his bible, he knew that evil would lose but he also studied life, he lived it daily even and he knew first hand that as much as the bible said Evil would perish, would fail, that in fact it lived and breathed and grew more times than it withered and died away. All he had to do was look at his own family, at the suffering his mother continued to go through, the way his sisters had to handle so much at such a young age, when they had done nothing wrong, had believed in God, Church, and State too and yet where was the Church, where was God, where was the State, now that they needed them?
He had a strange look on his face, as his reflection showed him in the window of a customer’s car, and he could stare at it and realize that he was becoming way too cynical for a 19 year old, but he didn’t feel 19 these days, more like 50 or even 60. He hadn’t a break since his father had finally been taken away, hadn’t one day off really from either working here or dancing or doing some john in the backroom. Five long years and no end in sight and now he had Bailey to contend with. He just couldn’t take on any more responsibility so it was right to end it, even though he knew in his heart that he had hurt Bailey, he also knew that he was perhaps saving him even worse pain later on. It would just never work, not as long as Keith Tanner lived and more than that, as long as he had his obligation to his family.
There was no way that Bailey could accept his lifestyle, nor should he have to and so it was best this way, best to let Bailey come to hate him and so get him out of his system. Sure he’d be the kind who would say it didn’t matter, that it wouldn’t bother him but Kip knew it would eat him alive, that it would torture his soul and only cause him pain, and as much as he felt empty inside, he couldn’t allow causing someone else that kind of feeling, not really. As much as he wanted to believe, to dream in the impossible he just couldn’t make it last. Bailey at least still had his dreams, still had hope that they could come true and Kip knew in his soul that he couldn’t ask him to give all that up for him. He knew in his mind that he just wasn’t worth it, no matter how much others might argue, no matter how much Bailey himself my protest it, but he knew the truth, after all he wasn’t a total idiot, he could think.
He had caused enough pain already for Bailey, and as the last car finally left the pumps and headed down the long dark road towards town, he sighed, leaning against a pump knowing that if he hadn’t been selfish, hadn’t given in to that ‘what if’ kind of dream that he wouldn’t have hurt Bailey so much already. His body ached from the sorrow he felt for what he had already done, knowing he had to go back to the office and finish it, to at least let Bailey get over him and go forward with his own life, with maybe still a chance for him to catch is dream. This is what believing even for a second that he had a chance caused and he vowed silently that he’d never give voice to those dreams again, never again listen to the wild crazy talk of his heart. He stood upright now and turned for the first time to stare towards the office, putting his left foot forward to go back and finish what he knew he had to.
Kip had taken several steps before he realized that the office was already empty. He stopped and stared, lost for a moment at even where he was and then a sense of panic took hold. His heart suddenly raced faster and his head felt light and dizzy as he started to look around, his fear growing as he even called for Bailey but got no answer. His hand reached for the gun next to his shoulder as wild thoughts now filled his mind and still he stood there, glued to the cement as he swivelled his head all around the entire service station. Finally he moved, running to the office, finding no one, then off to the service bays still finding no trace or sign of Bailey. He ran back to the office, reaching for the phone to call the sheriff when he saw the small note, and his eyes grew moist as he picked up the torn piece of paper, reading the few words on it.
Tears rolled down his face and he heard the gut wrenching sob echo in the quiet of the night, the sound muted by the darkness and by the emptiness that grew wider inside his soul. For the first time in a long time, Kip began to cry, to sob hysterically and the pain in his chest was from the empty hole that seemed to be swallowing him up alive. His body ached as he collapsed onto the office chair; the loud groan coming from the old springs in the chair or perhaps it was coming from his own aching heart? He cried now, his head in his hands as he realized that as much as he had wanted to spare Bailey, as much as he truly believed that he had no dreams left, he realized that he still did believe in dreams, still had some hope left and that now even that too was gone.
Bailey Masters
The lights from the service station had long since past from his view as he continued to walk along the road, the tears no longer falling down his face as the darkness continued to hide him. Bailey wasn’t even sure where he was, but he didn’t even care. Cars had passed by and he had always turned his face away, not wanting any of them to see him, to stop and now he wished he had. His legs ached but it was nothing to the pain he felt deep in his heart. How could he have been so wrong about Kip? How could he have even thought that there could ever have been a chance for him with someone like Kip? Now he knew that it was nothing more than a bad dream, one that he had finally been shaken out of and still, even now after all this time he still had some trace of desire left, some shred of possibilities even though his head kept telling him no, kept reminding him of what had happened by the constant replay of Kip’s angry outburst, of his soft voice coldly informing him of the price for his affection.
He knew it wasn’t fair, or at least his heart did but the rest of him wasn’t so sure. What had he done that was so horrible that Kip thought he was only out for a free ride? Did he really blow it that badly; did he really express himself so badly that Kip misunderstood his need for Kip as being simply some sexual fantasy? Okay, true he did want to nestle into Kip’s arms, he did want to feel Kip buried deep inside of him, but not to get his own dick off, not to just have a memory of some stud in his ass, but of having someone he could lean on, share his thoughts with, share his life with. Least that was how he thought he had wanted, but maybe Kip was right, maybe he hadn’t really wanted all that, maybe he really did just want Kip to be the teacher, to be the one who showed him the way into manhood?
The more he walked, the more he carried on into the dark of night, the more his head tried to make sense of all that had happened. His heart wasn’t listening but he shut it out, refusing to even consider its thundering roar as anything more than a necessary evil for keeping his body alive. It was merely an organ, not something more or anything less and all the hype of the heart being the cradle of truth, the holder of wisdom, was just so much religious gobbley gook. It wasn’t real and he should have known better, and as he continued walking along the dark empty road, he knew that what Kip had said had been real, had maybe even been the truth.
Andy had tried to tell him too, and all he had done then was cry just as he had earlier tonight back in the station’s office, but the tears were dry now, the pain still there, still throbbing inside, but he couldn’t cry forever, could he? It was time he grew up, just as Andy had told him and just as Kip had tried to tell him. Maybe Andy had said it in a nicer way, but then Andy came from a part of the world that had manners, had maybe more experiences in this than people like Kip or even he. Maybe he just had to stop being such a stupid baby and began to act more like a man, and then perhaps he’d have a chance at getting what he wanted. Only trouble was, he wasn’t all that sure of what it was that he wanted, because it kept changing. First he had thought it was Andy but now, now it had turned to being Kip but then that too was over with now or was it?
As much as he felt the hurt from Kip’s words, he still had this insane urge to want to know him, to still be with him and for whatever reason he knew that deep inside, he needed to be with Kip, that somehow they had something that he wouldn’t find with anyone else. Maybe he could talk to Andy about this, but then maybe not. Andy was something he still wasn’t too sure about, and besides, Andy seemed to be busy with Jesse, which brought up a whole bunch of new worries for him.
What if Andy would think that his fight with Kip would interfere with his relationship with Jesse, whatever type that was? That notion suddenly made him stop for a minute too, as he tried to think through all these weird thoughts. Was Andy with Jesse as a friend, or was Andy trying to get Jesse as more than friend, which would mean that Andy was at least bi, if not gay and if that was true, then his act of friendship the other night, was that purely physical or was it just that it was a way for Andy to get a guy to take his cum ? Shit, now he was doubting Andy’s friendship too and all because of what Kip had said. Could he have been right, could it simply be that life wasn’t about love, but was just about money? Did it just boil down to that or was there more, was love real or just something the greeting card company’s made up to sell more cards with?
He stood there in the darkness of the night, feeling his loneliness grow and he felt a twinge of panic creeping inside his heart. Was he really so far out of step with the real world that he couldn’t see the truth even when it hit him in the face? Was it really just about money and what it could buy? Was love real or was it an illusion that money fostered? How could he know, how could he find out the truth or was it that he really knew the truth but just didn’t want to accept it? Was Kip’s offer to let him do him for $50 real or was it for shock value, and why should it bother him the way it did? Why should Kip not be perfectly free to put a price on what was his?
Thinking about it, he had to admit that if you put a simple price on stuff, maybe it was easier, maybe it meant less pain and if you read all the books, all the theories on it, well Love wasn’t exactly cheap either, it exacted a price of sorts and so what was its value? If you could sleep with a guy like Kip for $50 or even $100, how really was that any different than say going out to a movie and pizza afterwards? Movie would cost $20 and pizza bout the same, so there was $40 and for what, a chance at maybe a tender moment or two? Okay so you got the person’s company for say three hours before hitting the bed, but what kind of three hours or even four would they be? Christ, you’d be sweating bullets, wondering what would happen after, wondering if the movie was his type or not and if not, would it piss him off, and what about the pizza, what if you ordered the kind he didn’t like, then where would you be after that time? He could see it now, ordering the wrong toppings, choosing the wrong movie and spending the $40 and at the end of it all the guy saying thanks at the door and running away, leaving you feeling rejected and $40 poorer. Least with Kip’s way you got what you were after, you got that physical intimacy, that touch, that feel, and it cost about the same really, but without the rejection, without the pain of not knowing; so who was right here, him for being upset at the truth or Kip for telling the truth?
Once more he continued with his lonely walk along the quiet road, lost in his thoughts, letting his mind continue to try to convince him that what happened was not as bad as his heart felt, was not as painful as his soul believed and yet despite the walking, despite all the arguments for it, his heart still felt the pain, still ached from the harsh words and the angry look that had passed across Kip’s face. Maybe all that he could have dealt with, maybe even accepted but it was the way Kip simply ignored him afterwards. The way he kept serving the cars that pulled up without one glance back towards him, as if nothing really mattered to him but doing his job. Maybe that was what ached the most inside, that maybe he had seen Bailey as a job that had not materialized? Maybe he had expected Bailey to jump at the chance, and when he hadn’t, when he had just stammered and looked at his feet Kip became uninterested?
Could Kip really be that way, that insensitive? He doubted it, but then again, he had pressed him and when he hadn’t answered, hadn’t even made some attempt, Kip had just walked away. Walking along the empty road Bailey just couldn’t figure it all out, he had no one to talk to, to ask and thinking about that, he felt the tears coming back, because he had once thought that Kip would be that person, would be that one who he could talk with, could share his fears with but that was gone now, gone along with maybe the rest of his dreams too. Andy wasn’t the one, and what maybe was worse was that maybe Andy was no different than Kip, just maybe more polite. How the fuck did he get himself into this situation?
The tears were starting to roll down his face as his hands were balled up into hard rocks at his side, one hand banging into his thigh as he thought about the conversation, thought about the words that Kip had spoken and he knew that as much as he hated to admit it, he still wanted to be with Kip, still wanted to share something more with him, but how? His mind continued to dredge it all up and replay it over and over again as his feet silently trudged onwards. His body ached but not from the long walk or even the cold night air, but from the disillusionment he felt inside.
He wished he was back at home, away from here and still able to close his bedroom door and lay on the bed and just dream about life, dream about meeting that perfect guy and not having to worry about anything but making him happy. That was what he wanted and for a brief time he had thought it might have happened, that Andy could be the one, then that changed and he switched as he met Kip.
Kip was the one, so his heart kept pounding out to him and yet now, that too lay in shreds with the rest of his unfulfilled dreams. Nothing was as he had thought but there was still a chance, if only he could figure it out, if only he could stop the ache in his soul and give his mind a chance at figuring it out. After all, he didn’t get the scholarship for folding under pressure, he got it because he was good at solving problems, and he knew that he could solve this one, if given a chance, but how?
His thoughts kept coming back to the $50 and he knew the key was there, but he didn’t have that kind of cash to spend on his dreams, or did he? Grant had said he’d get him tutoring jobs that would pay a hell of a lot more money than he had dreamed of, plus he did have that school job too, so there was a beginning, just that he hadn’t any idea of when or how he would be paid for all that. Maybe he could get an advance, but no, the school wouldn’t do that, at least not without asking a whole slew of questions, and he didn’t really want to ask Grant either. As much as he wanted the tutoring jobs there was something about Grant that had him worried, so what then?
It hit him then, and he suddenly realized that Kip had been right, that money was what mattered and even Grant was right, and Andy was wrong. Money was what you needed, not love or the friendship of someone, it didn’t get you what you wanted or needed, but money, now that got you what you needed. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so quick to toss off what Kip had said, maybe after all Kip was only doing exactly what he himself was now trying to decide on, which was how to get extra money only thing was, for Kip it was more important, more needed than for him. Christ, how could he have been so stupid?
The road ahead of him grew brighter and it finally dawned on him that it wasn’t coming from the moon or the stars but a car was coming and he sighed, wondering if maybe he could hitch a ride? His feet hurt but his head ached more from all of the thoughts he had been having, and besides, maybe he could ask Andy for some money? After all, he had performed a service for Andy, least it appeared to have been that and not what he had at first thought it had been, so maybe Andy would think he owed him? It was worth a shot anyhow and he turned as the car coming along the road slowed down, the gleaming lights blinding him a little so he wasn’t able to make out who the driver was, or even if it was a guy or girl until the car drew level with him and stopped. He stared at the face that peered out at him, surprised to see the one and not the other.
“Thought it was you, where’s the Lord and Master tonight?”
Bailey “Huh? Who you talking about Chris?”
Chris “Christ, why Mr Super Rich of course, Taylor”
The bitterness in Chris’ voice surprised him a little and yet not really. There was something about Chris, the anger he always seemed to have not to mention the rage. He could see it in his eyes but tonight it seemed different, almost as if it was hiding somewhere because Chris sounded different, more pained than angry.
Bailey “Andy? I don’t know, in town I guess… what do you mean ‘my master’?”
Chris “He calls the shot doesn’t he? Just like Grant, you know something, you and me, we are more alike than you think…”
Bailey “How’s that?”
He didn’t know why he was even bothering, Bailey couldn’t help him and besides, as much the guy seemed okay he was in the enemies camp, or least that was how you had to look at it. If it wasn’t for Grant’s growing obsession in besting Taylor he might have already secured Grant’s help in getting the help his father needed, but tonight, well tonight he just wanted to forget about business, about life and just find a place to escape it all, least with Bailey he wouldn’t have to be as watchful.
Chris “Well, you have Taylor and I have Waddington, but I think you got the best out of the two, Taylor seems nicer”
Bailey “He’s okay, uh, if you don’t like Grant, why do you hang around him then?”
Chris “Jesus, why do you think? For the money, the power it gives me, same as you with Taylor, isn’t it?”
Bailey “Not really, we share a room, guess its natural for us to be together”
Chris “God are you ever naïve, here, have a drink”
Bailey “Uh no thanks, I don’t really drink”
Chris “Shit, bet you don’t smoke pot or anything else either do you?”
Bailey “No, no I don’t”
Chris “Christ what do you do then? Don’t you ever have some fun?”
Strange but Chris was right, he never did have fun at least not so he noticed, and Andy had made the same observation too so maybe there was something to it. What was it about him that kept him from being like everyone else? Why couldn’t he loosen up and kick back like everyone else seemed to? Here he was, 18 and more or less a virgin and not just in sex but everything else. He had taken a few drinks in the past, never liked the taste but then he was always afraid his parents would find out, that kind of discouraged him and drugs, well they scared him more than sex did but then what didn’t scare him? Maybe Chris and Andy and even Kip were right, maybe he was shy but it didn’t mean he had to be some walking zombie, there were chances out there if he would just stop thinking so much, stop worrying so much, maybe he too could have some fun now and then?
Bailey “Guess not”
Chris “Sorry, didn’t mean to be so rude, habit I guess from being around the great one”
Bailey “It’s okay, guess tonight is just one of those night”
Chris “Yeah, so it seems, but shit, least I got tonight, who knows maybe the Great One will fall in love and I’ll be free more often, Christ least we can dream huh?”
Bailey “Uh, suppose”
Chris “Always polite aren’t you?”
Bailey “Uh, I guess…”
Chris “Well, come on, hop in and we can tour this hick place together, who knows, maybe we can find some action.”
Bailey stared for a minute at Chris and then opened the passenger door and climbed in. He could smell the booze on Chris’ breath and yet the way he had looked, it was all like looking in a mirror really because he saw the same rejection, the same hang dog look of loneliness that he stared at each morning when he looked in his own mirror. He slammed the door shut and the car lurched forward as Chris put it into gear and roared off down the long empty road, the music once more blaring out the speakers and he sat there, staring at the passing fences and open fields, wondering what it was about him that made people push him into the shadows all the time? Was he really that much of a wimp or was he just too scared of his own shadow. He glanced down to see the bottle next to the console and wondered if maybe it was time for him to just loosen up.