Chapter 53

Pastor Deke Johnson

It was strange standing out front of the McCall funeral home greeting the people as they came in. He had thought he should be feeling sad and even perhaps nervous but instead he felt like a giddy teenager going out on his first date. There was no mistaking his upbeat mood and even his wife had smiled at it with that all knowing grin of hers. Funny how the women could always know when the men had suddenly seen the light. It was unnerving on the one hand but on the other it was humorous. The way she had sort of just grinned at him as he had spoken on the phone. Her eyes however were something else, as he had seen the love there, something he had taken for granted but which he still marvelled at when he did pay notice.

They had the large sanctuary and it looked to him already as if it would be filled beyond its normal capacity. There was a bit of an anger at that because he knew some of those attending weren’t here because they wanted to pay respect to Justin Fisher but because of the media hype. They were here to see the circus and as he greeted Principle Keats and Ron Cohen, the Vice Principle, he wondered if it would become a circus?

Of one thing he was certain, the service would perhaps at least give some people closure. Whether that would be Justin’s parents or even his older brother, he wasn’t certain. For him it would mark a change that felt rather scary but in a good way. He didn’t feel tired anymore and instead he was actually welcoming it, which was something he hadn’t done in a very long time. Too much politics, he supposed, had worn him down but now he realized that his job wasn’t to serve the politics of his board or deacons, but to serve his true master, the Lord.

“Looks like a very good turn out Pastor.”

“Yes it does Arthur, seems a lot of your students are here as well.”

“Yes it does, Justin was a very popular student, Pastor.”

He looked the same and yet as Pastor Johnson looked into his face he could see something he hadn’t noticed before. There was something worrisome about him, almost as if he were hiding a lurking terror or anger that threatened to spill out. Deke noticed how tense Arthur was and at first glance one might assume it was due to the situation, yet now he wasn’t so sure.

“I can see, well… I hope that they understand all that is happening, some certainly took Justin’s death very badly.”

He really didn’t like the way that Pastor Johnson was staring at him. Maybe he should just leave but he couldn’t, it was his duty to attend as Justin’s principle and the ranking school official. They did have to maintain their presence and besides, it wouldn’t look right if he left it to Ron Cohen to be the representative, given all the grief his people had caused in this whole matter.

“Uh yes they did, I have several teachers who will be seated among them, we don’t want to take any chances.”

“No I am sure you don’t, Arthur.”

Pastor Johnson didn’t see the strange look that Principle Keats gave him nor the way he leaned over to talk to his vice principle, Ron Cohen. He was more focused on the group of young boys coming up the walk and he sighed a little. So young they all looked and yet in their faces were the signs of age. He could see that many were struggling to hide their nervousness and even awkwardness. It had to be tough to be 16 or so and realize that death was not an old person’s private associate.

The armour of youth had been shattered for them with Justin’s death and he could see the fear really that many had. If only they could rely on faith; that in death life didn’t really stopped, it merely moved on to a new and higher plain. He prayed a little as they came closer, hoping that God would give him the right words when needed.

Many of them had their heads lowered as they walked by, some looking at their shoes, others staring anywhere but at him, as he greeted them and directed them to a row of pews reserved for Justin’s school friends. He watched the one who looked at the door and he could feel the boy’s fear as he hesitated entering the chapel. It was almost as if he were reliving something before going in that piqued the Pastor’s interest. He looked so young and vulnerable that he wanted to reach out, to just gather the boy in his arms and tell him it was okay. Strange how he actually felt himself starting to move in that direction, when the boy suddenly squared his shoulders, tossed his hair back a little and walked in.

Deep in his heart he felt the boy’s fear even though he had now disappeared into the soft lit building. Everything was done to soften the mood, to preserve a sense of sadness if not to heighten it. Pastor Deke hadn’t really noticed it before but it was like a stage was being set, one that would make people sad and feel the loss even more. Somehow it just didn’t feel right because as much as the loss of anyone was a sad affair, the fact was that the person had gone to a better place. That person had gone to be with the Father of them all, how could that be sad? It should instead be a time to rejoice in all that that person had been, to remember the smiles and laughter they had given, to be sad at their passing, yes, but to be happy that whatever pain and sorrow they had on earth was now over. There was no such pain or grief when one was with God, so this shouldn’t be a time of unhappiness but rather one of at least bittersweet happiness.

He saw Neil Schellenberg coming with his mother and saw how frightened the boy looked. Maybe more than that he saw how tired his mother looked and yet, somehow she seemed not to be the frightened lady he had come to know. There was something different about her and how she held herself that held his gaze a bit longer than normal. It was getting to be a strange day as he was seeing people in a different light than he normally did. It was almost as if by making his decision he had blinders taken off his eyes. He could see things that always were there but now he was at last able to recognize them for what they truly were.

Pastor Johnson greeted the Schellenbergs and shook Marilyn’s hand warmly as they stood there. He could see the redness and puffiness around Neil’s eyes and knew he had been crying. Funny how adults never really could understand how fragile children really were. It was almost as if they deliberately forgot how they had felt at that age, ignoring the pain and trying to always make the kids grow up too fast, telling them to be a man and hold back. He had been guilty of that, when he should have told them it was natural to mourn a fallen friend. That shedding a few tears wasn’t a sign of weakness but of humanity itself. Did Christ himself not cry for all of man when at the cross? If the Lord’s son could cry without it diminishing his manhood, surely a child should be able too?

“Neil, you understand what you are supposed to do?”

He knew what was expected, both the Pastor and Walter had told him earlier in the day the procedure. Still, he wished he could have refused and he feared he would screw it up somehow. Talking with Walter had been eerie for him, the way his hero suddenly seemed so unsure of things. There were more ‘uh’s’ in his conversation than Neil could ever remember and worse he was certain Walt had been crying. It shook him to think that this man who had taught him about being a man, that real men kept their emotions in check, was not what he said. He still didn’t know what to make of the sudden changes that he was being faced with, the wrath of his mother was almost unbelievable and worse, it seemed like Walt had agreed to her demands too.

Now he was restricted to his home and seeing Walter was forbidden for the time being. In some ways he had been relieved at that, afraid of what Walt would think of his failure, but now, well it was different. It was like Walt had suddenly abandoned him when he had always promised Neil that he would always be there for him. In some ways he wasn’t too upset but it made him question all that he had learned and that only added to his confusion and his anger.

“Yes, I think so Pastor.”

“Well it really isn’t too difficult. Now you go and sit in the front row on your left, there will be five others, and when I signal you, you and the others will walk up and take your place beside the coffin. Now I know this isn’t easy Neil, sure you are up to it?”

He wished everyone would stop asking him that. He was fine and while he didn’t quite understand why Justin had to die, he knew that it happened. Walt had told him long ago about death and he was pretty sure he understood it, but then again what Walt had said didn’t seem to jive with how Walt himself was dealing with all this. It was just so confusing, but why did the adults always think that guys his age couldn’t handle it?

“I can do it.”

“I know, but you don’t have to.”

Neil hated the way that Pastor Deke was looking at him, and the touch of his hand on his shoulder irked him too and yet at the same time it comforted him. So much to think about that he just wasn’t sure what it was that was expected of him. He missed Justin but he knew that he would get over that, still it left him feeling strange. There had been moments when he wondered what death was really like and as much as the holy rollers said it was something wonderful, he kind of had his doubts about that. Walt believed in God so therefore he did too, at least until lately.

Things were getting too complicated as he tried to keep himself from stuttering again. Already he had noticed a few slips but that was from the stress, still he didn’t need to be reminded of how much of a geek he really was. No amount of Walt’s special lessons seemed to really change that, or so he thought as he shuffled his feet, wishing that it would all be over already.

“I want to.”

He really didn’t believe that Neil was a bad boy, just a very confused one. Somehow he wished he could find a way to connect with him but in his heart he knew that someone else would have to do that. If he could only maybe point him in the right direction it would help but he himself didn’t know which way that was. Instead he tried to just be there, hoping that in a small way it would help.

“Okay, well you are on the right side, Bobby Jaworski will be on the left side. You wait till I come down from the podium and then you lift and follow me out to the side. The funeral people will guide you along once there. Uh, you and the other’s will then get into the car behind the main limousine, to go the cemetery. Marilyn, do you have a ride to the cemetery?”

Neil moved ahead a little, listening to his mother’s voice and yet not hearing it. He felt a bit uncomfortable at having to lead the coffin along with Bobby. They hadn’t spoken since that time at the playground where they had almost gotten into a fight. Damn it, why did Bobby go and turn all Jewish or whatever it was? Christ he was supposed to have been Justin’s best friend and it still rankled that he was practising with that Joel jerk. As his mother was talking, he could feel her eyes on his back and he simply stared ahead at the chapel, the anger only growing inside.

“Huh? Oh, ah, no I don’t.”

“Okay well, you just come out and I’ll have a ride for you.”

“Uh thank you, Pastor.”

“That is fine, uh, Neil, you doing okay?”

The sound of his name startled him a bit as he was still thinking about all that he had heard the last little while. There had been that news special last night and it had made him angrier than ever. Neil had also gotten into a real shouting match with his mother about it too, which really pissed him off. Maybe though the worse thing was that when he had called Walt afterwards, Walt had barely spoken to him. He couldn’t understand why either and it only made him angrier with his mother and with those Jews. They were ruining everything in his life and somehow they had even gotten to Walt. It wasn’t possible, he had thought, but he felt disappointed in Walt. For the first time he really wondered if what Walt had been teaching him was real or just so much adult bullshit?

“Yes.”

“Well, if you… if you need to talk later, you give me a call, okay?”

“Huh? Oh, uh yeah sure.”

In his heart he knew that Neil wouldn’t call him and he made a special note to himself to call Neil on his own. There was no way he could leave him to the thoughts that were inside him right now. Pastor Deke could feel the boy’s resentment and anger, which troubled him. He sighed a little knowing that before this day was over much of that anger would more than likely boil over at some point. He prayed that he would have the courage to meet it head on this time out.

“Okay well you better get inside, remember it is the first set of pews on the left, Marilyn there should be room for you just behind.”

“I’ll manage, Pastor.”

‘Yes you will’ he thought as he watched her catch up to Neil and then disappear inside. Somehow he knew that whatever had happened to Neil had finally woken her up. She didn’t look or seem quite like the meek woman she always used to be. There was strength in her that had been absent before and he knew that there was nothing more powerful than a woman who was out to protect her child. Some mother’s, like the Rabbi’s wife, had a natural instinct for it, others needed a jolt to wake it up and Marilyn Schellenberg seemed to have finally gotten that jolt.

The steady stream of people coming up the walk was finally thinning down as he stood there, wondering how it would all turn out. He had already seen Walter and Sharon and seated them in the private family room that overlooked the chapel. For a second or two he felt a small twinge of guilt, but it quickly passed. Sharon was cool and calm while Walt looked like he would fall apart. Strange, he had always assumed that Walt was the rock of the two but now he certainly knew differently.

It was still hard for him to understand Sharon Fisher. In many ways it was almost as if she were reveling in the attention that was being bestowed on her as the grieving mother and yet Pastor Johnson felt in his heart that she really didn’t seem all that upset. The fog had been lifted and what he was seeing wasn’t exactly appealing in so many ways.

Their arrival in the sleek black limousine was one thing, the other was how she managed her own entrance. All dressed in black, she looked like any typical grieving person; but the way she shook hands with those who were there, it was almost as if this is what she had craved and desired, the attention. In many ways it was Walter who was in the hurry to get inside but Sharon kept them outside, taking her time as she shook hands or hugged the many who were outside.

Many of course were people she knew from her work with the church, others from the school but even strangers she hugged. People who had come out of some morbid curiosity it seemed were given the same quick hug, peck on the cheeks even. He felt a strange anger towards her and tried to hurry them along, which only made Sharon give him one of her patented withering looks. Still he felt it his duty to guide her along as even Walt tried to get her inside.

In the past she had always come across as the timid naïve woman but he could tell that she was not one you crossed easily. For a second or two, he wondered what her reaction was going to be but as he watched her talk to some of the reporters, he really didn’t care. In fact he had already made up his mind to seek a replacement for her next week, simply because he could no longer stomach her presence.

He had watched the circus of media types all converging on the chapel at the same time that he had arrived. It was like they were all a bunch of hyenas the way they jostled for position and camera angles. Global even had sent a truck from their National news desk, and he still felt the outrage at their request to discreetly put a camera in the chapel. Such an affront really and yet he knew that it was something each one of them there was hoping he’d agree to. How sickening really to watch them all jostle and pretend to be sympathetic, when it was as real as a three-dollar bill.

McCall Brothers Funeral home had provided extra personnel to help usher people to their seats and he had managed to at least limit much of the access to the press. He couldn’t deny access to that smug arrogant fool, Gordie Askew, because Sharon Fisher had insisted that he and that other one, Jake Mathews, be allowed inside. He had watched as both men had preened themselves in front of their colleagues. It was disgusting to watch but was worse to see the envy reflected in the eyes by the others there. How had all this come about he wondered, as he saw the older car drive up and park at the arranged location. The man from McCall’s had kept it open as promised and had looked towards him for confirmation that this was the right car.

The funeral home had done an amazing job really. He noticed how they had cordoned off the walk, allowing for many of the press to have a vantage point but without really being able to impede anyone’s entrance to the chapel. Strange how they had anticipated that and worse was how it made it all seem so normal. How could a pack of hyena’s snapping be normal at a boy’s funeral? Wasn’t it sad enough to know a young life was taken from them without having to hear the constant click of cameras or their whirring noise?

Well one thing was certain, this was going to be a funeral that many would remember for a bit, at least until the next juicy scandal broke. Pastor Deke shook his head a little at the sadness of it all and proceeded to greet the thinning crowd, one eye now carefully watching the far off car. He felt a bit exhausted but his piece of mind continued uninterrupted really. Nothing it seemed could fully dent the new feeling of ease that he felt, and yet, in the back of his mind, he felt a bit guilty for it still.

As he was about to signal the distant car, a group of last minute people came up the walk. For a second it didn’t register but then he recognized the dour looking woman who was leading the small group. His heart fluttered a little as he also recognized one of the men coming up behind with another small group of stragglers. He sighed as he greeted Margaret Sinclair and the three men with her. There was no mistaking them for anything but who they were, which were police officers. She really did look like a sour puss, he thought, as she curtly nodded at his greeting and merely walked past, as if she were royalty or something equally special.

He sighed a little wondering what it was about some people who always felt that they had to act better than others, or appear more refined than everyone else? Why couldn’t they simply be who they were and forget all the other crap, but then he had to grimace a little at that. After all he was just as guilty as Margaret Sinclair was for putting on airs. Pastor Deke noticed how the second group hung back a little, waiting for Margaret and her escorts to pass inside before they came closer.

It was a bit of a surprise for him to see this particular celebrity here, not to mention the company he was in. Debbie Winston he had immediately recognized from the news as well as the man holding her hand. The man was Robbie Fisher’s lawyer and judging by the way he was holding Ms. Winston’s hand, he rather thought that it wasn’t out of politeness. It felt good to see actually, while he struggled trying to see if he knew who the fourth man was that was with them.

“Your Honour, it is very nice of you to come today.”

“Thank you. Pastor; however, I wish it was for more pleasant reasons.”

“Yes I am sure, it is sad isn’t it? I uh, didn’t know you knew the family.”

“I don’t other than in passing really; however, I am here in a sort of semi official capacity.”

In some sense he rather had expected it but hearing it still made his skin itch. The notion that any human would dare abuse a child sexually was something he just couldn’t understand or fathom. To know that it was often more than not a family member or friend in a position of trust was even worse, in his mind. Yet as he had thought about all that had gone on, he began to understand how people like the Rabbi and his wife would question HIS work at times. He himself was beginning to feel that way as well, but still the years of training held him back, or did it? After all he had made that call and for whatever was to happen, it would be on his head.

“Oh? Well…”

“Don’t worry Pastor, we are just here to monitor things, however his honour Judge Albamere thought it might be prudent if a member of the bench were present in case anything developed.”

“I don’t quite…”

“I think, Pastor, he means in case they get some important information, they want to be able to act on it immediately, just in case, isn’t that right Myron?”

Myron felt like the wind had been knocked out of him as he turned towards the familiar voice. He was shocked to see not only the Rabbi, but his entire family along with his client standing there all dressed up in their suits and all. It had never occurred to him really that they would attend, given all that had gone on and yet it fit. From what little he knew of the Rabbi and his family, it figured they would be here.

“Huh? Oh, Rabbi… where did you, I mean…”

“So, Pastor, we are here, are you sure that you…”

He had seen the sudden change in the people around him as they recognized the Rabbi. The young lawyer had been totally stunned but then he became quite animated, even happy for a brief moment at the sight of the whole family. Even the Judge seemed pleased to see the Rabbi and as for Ms. Winston, well she simply radiated warmth at his presence. It was really amazing, he thought, to see how such a simple man who held such simple beliefs could make such a difference. Maybe there was indeed hope for him as well, as he realized just how pleased he too felt at the Rabbi’s presence.

“I am Rabbi, besides I can’t let you hog all of the headlines now can I?”

“Ach, headlines, those chamoole’s[1. meaning jackasses, fools, Yiddish slang] I wish I were their mothers, boy I tell you I’d give them a piece of my mind!”

“Mama, please, you promised.”

She was nervous and despite her best efforts she couldn’t help but fidget. Her hands were all over the place as she imagined all sorts of horrors happening to her boys. Her eye barely left Robbie’s white face or her poor Joshua’s either. Her eyes had darted back and forth between them all the way over and in crossing the street she felt like she had aged a hundred years.

“Ach you and your promises, Abner Goldberg! I tell you this, if just one of those drek auf dem teller[2. meaning mean spirited, worthless people, trash] shmucks[3. meaning assholes, creeps, idiots] says one wrong word, I will not be responsible for my actions, promises or not. I…”

“Enough Mama, come… you will embarrass the kinder[4. meaning children].”

“I will not, but I shall behave, I always do, don’t I? Don’t I Joshua? You tell your papa…”

It was strange to realize that his mother was feeling panic. He had always seen her as the rock on which their whole family rested, but he knew different now. He knew that it wasn’t her or his father either, but a collaborative effort by them both. Josh watched in awe really as his mother spoke and his father calmed and yet he knew both of them were a bundle of nerves, no less worried than he was.

His eyes darted quickly to Robbie’s face and he could see the fear lurking behind the brooding darkness. His heart ached and he wanted to reach out and hold Robbie close to him but he couldn’t. Their eyes met briefly and he willed his heart to reach out, desperate to let Robbie know that no matter what, he was here and more than that, that he loved him. He had told him that but they were only words, and he knew Robbie needed more than that.

“Yes, Mama, you do.”

“There, see Abner? Even the kinder know the truth.”

Everyone was putting on their brave face, he thought, and yet the fear was very real. He had been reluctant to accept the Pastor’s offer but when the man had called and he had looked over at Robbie, he knew he couldn’t refuse. Besides, there would be no denying Robbie his place here, no matter who his mother tried to set in his path. Rabbi Goldberg knew that if Robbie was determined to attend, that so to would Joshua. If Joshua were to come, then he knew that Joel would insist on being here too for Joshua and for Robbie. How could he then not let her be here too or himself under all that pressure? Strange how it all seemed part of a plan when if you looked at it from outside, but when you were smack in the middle of it, it all seemed so random and unconnected. Perhaps that was HIS plan after all?

“Nu? You think they would dare cross you when you are like this? Ach, Myron, mazeltov, you too Ms. Winston, mazeltov.”

“Uh thank you, I know, well I…”

She had sensed her husband’s plan even before he had quickly turned the attention away from all that was about to happen. Her mind had picked up on it and besides, she rather liked the look of this goyish[5. meaning non Jewish] woman that had swept Robbie’s lawyer up. She would make a good wife she thought and better, she would make a good mother, too. Ach, to have such pleasure come in the midst of such tszuris was a mitzvah[6. meaning blessing] indeed. Maybe it bode well for the future, she thought, as she reached out to shake Debbie’s hand and offer her own congratulations.

“Yes indeed mazeltov[7. meaning congratulations], Debbie, I can call you Debbie, yes?”

“Oh yes, please do Mrs…”

“Adele, no one calls me Mrs…”

“Definitely don’t call her Mrs… or you’ll wind up peeling potatoes all night long.”

It was perhaps the most he had said since they had left Tommy’s home to come here. She beamed at him with that special smile and saw his face get a small hint of colour around the temples. He looked so white, the poor boy, but then what did she expect? Such tszuris for one so young and for a second or two she raised her eyes heavenwards, warning HIM of her displeasure to be voiced later but for now she concentrated on taking the edge off the people around her, herself included.

“Hush Robbie, you’ll give Debbie here the wrong impression of me, besides, judging by how SOME OF You MURDERED my poor potatoes, a little extra practise was in order, yes Abner?”

It felt like a whirlwind had come upon her and yet she didn’t feel put out or anything. She could feel the real warmth among them all, which surprised her quite a bit. She had heard the stories about them from Myron and she had seen the Rabbi in action twice now, still it was a shock to be face to face with them all. It felt good to be among them and despite the fact that she was here for a boy’s funeral, she felt good. It was almost as if, suddenly, there was a ray of hope shining through the dark morass that was life today. Her own heart became a bit lighter as she listened to the banter that even included Robbie Fisher.

Her eyes had taken his sallow look in and she had felt worried for him and yet the way he would sparkle briefly as he would look at Adele or at any of the Goldbergs made her wonder what it was about them that had taken such despair and turned it into such hope? Robbie certainly looked like a different person than when she had first met him many years ago, and then at Eric Martin, and she knew it was from those two old unassuming people that now stood next to her.

“Thank you uh, Adele.”

“Good, and about time Myron, don’t you take any guff from him Debbie, these men, always think they know what it is best but we know it is we women who do all the real work, they just take the credit.”

“Haha, yes they do.”

“Good, we’ll talk I am sure, well? What are we all standing around for? Shouldn’t we get inside?”

“We were just waiting for you dear.”

“Waiting for me? I like that, I am merely greeting the Pastor and these others, you wouldn’t want them to think me anti social or something would you?”

“My shaineh maidel[8. term of endearment, meaning pretty girl, sweetheart], no one would dare think that. Come, time for us to go, Robbie? Come boychik, you and I we shall walk in together, yes?”

Maybe at some time later on in life he might be able to explain why, but right now he couldn’t even begin to fathom why, he knew it would not be right for him to rely on him for this. His heart had known all along that when it came time, he would do one of two things. His mind believed he should turn around and leave but his soul had told him what was right. There could be no turning back now, not if he wanted to really reclaim his life from the darkness that had almost cost him that life. His eyes filled with tears as he prayed that the Rabbi would understand, that he didn’t hurt his feelings. He owed the Rabbi his very life, but he had to do this the way his heart was telling him. There simply wasn’t any other choice.

“No, uh thank you Rabbi, but… well, I think I should go in…”

It had never crossed his mind on who Robbie would enter the chapel with and as he had heard Robbie begin to change it, he knew that this was his time. Pastor Johnson felt the warmth burning inside as he realized that it was one thing to make a call, it was quite another thing to stand squarely in front and shout it to the world. He could do no less his heart said and this time he listened. With the same sense of peace he reached out with his hand to let it rest lightly on Robbie’s arm.

“I think you should come in with me Robbie.”

“You? But Pastor if I do they will know that you…”

“So? Perhaps it is time they know where their Pastor stands, right Adele?”

She knew it mattered to Robbie that they were alright with him going in without them at his side. She had known it perhaps long before Robbie had even known he would make this choice but then, mother’s always knew before hand what their children needed, didn’t they? Her eyes lifted heavenwards quickly and in a flash she knew that Robbie was as much her son as either Joshua or Joel was. It had been decided she felt and she couldn’t resist an ‘about time’ to her thoughts.

“Ach, now he asks? But yes, I think it best Robbie, we are only here to support you.”

“Tommy, you will come with me as well?”

The closer he had gotten to the chapel the less he felt the fear inside. His whole body had been like a rock and now he could actually feel the nerves in his feet tingle. It was almost as if a whole world worth of worry had been lifted from his shoulders and more than that, he felt a growing sense of pride in his remaining grandson. How handsome Robbie looked and yet how mature too. There was something that had changed in Robbie and Tommy knew that whatever it was, it was due to the influence of the people who stood with him now. Tears were in his eyes as he stared at his grandson, wishing him a long life and praying he would be around to see some of that life before it was his own time to join Justy.

“No Pastor, I think I shall go in with the Rabbi and his wife if they will allow me to?”

“Of course.”

“Time I showed where I stand too, I think Justy would be very happy, if he could see us all now.”

“He is, Gramps!”

Tommy turned slightly to gaze into Robbie’s face and he saw the love there. They were two different boys, Justin and Robbie, and yet right now, he could see a lot of Justin in Robbie and he knew that as he saw the floating image of Justin, there had been a lot of Robbie in him too. It made his heart happy as he felt the tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Thank you Robbie, I think…”

“Lead the way Pastor, I think we are ready if you are.”

“Ready? I suppose as best as we can be, eh?”

“Halevei[9. meaning if only, from one’s mouth to God’s ears] already…”

There was tightness around his heart that kept making him feel like he was going to pass out. Each breath that he took hurt and made him wince a little as he tried to keep his eyes from moving towards the very front. At first he had thought this was the same room, but once he had entered, he knew it was much larger. Still it didn’t really look any different other than being larger.

Dave had taken his place with others from school. His mom and step dad had not come, which wasn’t really a surprise. His mom still freaked out whenever they drove by this place, which was hard to avoid. As for his step dad, well he tried to find other ways but he forgot at times. Typical jerk but Dave had to kind of accept that he at least tried. It wasn’t like he deliberately drove by but sometimes it was the only way to go home when they were downtown.

The whole thing with Justin dying had really sent his mom into a real spin. She had been crying almost all the time since the news broke the story. His step dad couldn’t quite figure it out either and was constantly running around trying to help her. She even had taken off work because she just couldn’t stop crying.

It had been a long time ago and yet everything seemed like it was only yesterday. Dave had been just a snot nosed brat then, but he could still hear the fighting going on between his mom and real dad back then. At least now there wasn’t that fighting, still he wondered how much longer it would be before once more he and his mom would be alone again?

As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t quite shake off the memories of that time years ago when he had been sitting between his mother and father in one of those rooms off to the side. The dark glass didn’t let you look in but inside, you could see out and the way the chairs were positioned, you couldn’t avoid seeing the front. It had scared him then and still did. To look out and know that in that glistening box your brother lay was unreal.

He still tried to avoid looking in that direction but he could feel the pull on his face, the strange eeriness that kept trying to get him to look but somehow he was fighting it. The sweat kept beading up on his forehead and dripping down the sides, causing him to angrily wipe his face. The trouble was that each time he did that, he caught a glimpse of the front, which made his heart skip a beat or two. The face of his older brother would then flash before him and he felt the catch in his breath then. Worse was he then immediately saw the trees swaying that were in that Jewish cemetery. It all came to him rushing forward like it wanted to make him look forward, to stare at another long wooden box that held someone young, someone he had known.

That night still troubled him even now, days later. It was freaky and made no sense yet he was certain someone had been there, who he couldn’t tell. At first he thought maybe it had been Neil or one of the others but none of them had said a word to him, none of them had even asked if he had gone there like they had all planned. Who it was bugged him because in his heart he felt he knew but something in his mind kept shutting it out, telling him that he was being a jerk, imagining stuff. Funny though, he still felt angry, only thing was, he wasn’t sure at whom or at what he was angry.

The chapel wasn’t exactly dark but it was sort of like a big place with a bunch of night-lights on and there were so many shadows that no matter which way he looked he saw dark things moving. His eyes were used to the dim light and yet he felt fear inside. It really wasn’t like he had remembered and yet in other ways was too much like he remembered. He could smell the flowers too, that same sweet scent and it made him squirm a bit.

His head continued to swivel around to stare at different groups of people. Everyone he saw was either leaning to one side whispering or staring anywhere but at the front, just like him. He guessed they all were sort of unwilling to look at it but once the Pastor came in they would have to. It was, well like they didn’t want to look until it was absolutely necessary. He doubted if his reasons were that, all he knew inside was the last thing he remembered about his older brother was seeing that wooden box, a big blown up school picture of him in some silver frame resting on top.

Dave recognized a lot of the kids that were there, some of them were sitting up at the very front and he was glad that he didn’t have to do that. It wasn’t like he had expected to either, still seeing Bobby and some of the others up there, he wondered how they could stand it? As his eyes continued to avoid looking at the very front, he saw teachers from school sitting around where ever groups of kids were. Seeing them like that only made his unease sharper and he felt the tightness rising up to his throat. He coughed and noticed how heads near him turned at the sound. Christ everyone was jumpy he thought, as once more he could feel that someone was watching him, was close by staring at him.

Gordie still felt that smug satisfaction of acing all those others who were still outside. Here he was, sitting in the private viewing room with Walter and Sharon Fisher, a birds eye view of all that was happening and better still, he was with them. He would scoop all the others and this time he was certain it would be the crowning glory for him. To hell with all the crap that Dale and legal were throwing up at him on this one, he would scoop everyone with an actual inside look at the grieving parents. Better still, he would have pictures as Sharon Fisher had given permission for his photographer to join them.

He stared out at the large crowd seated in the chapel and felt a sense of satisfaction. Gordie knew that many of them were there because of his story on Justin and on that smug ass Rabbi. He really had been pissed when VI News had aired the full unedited version of the interview and already there was a pending lawsuit thanks to that Jew’s lawyer. He had to give the guy credit though, instead of going with one of his own kind, he had reached out to get a tough top gun who wasn’t one of his. Made for good sense and the other media had played that up pretty good, which only made Gordie feel even better sitting with the Fisher’s.

There was a particular amount of satisfaction when Sharon had refused to talk to the VI News guy outside. It had been just one of his crowning moments, which he knew, would only grow as the funeral took place. He had already planted the idea that both Walt and Sharon come on the air to give their side of all that had happened. He had approached it as a sort of way for them to thank all those who had extended their sympathy to them. Walt had been hesitant but Sharon it seemed was more than willing to do it, which would really put VI News down.

Jake had a bit of a problem with his plan, which was why he was out in the chapel instead of being here with him. There was no way he wanted his negative thoughts to come between him and his chance at another award winning program. This would set him up perfectly for a position with the national boys, and he knew that CTV was already sniffing around or so his agent had told him just before he had left for the funeral. Jake was okay really, just that he didn’t have the killer instinct needed in this business. In fact he was too damn busy trying to nail every girl in the station, while serous people like him went after the story.

After all, it was the story and the rating that counted. With another top notch program to his credit Gordie knew he could secure that important position up the corporate ladder. From field reporter to feature reporter and then to who knows, maybe sports director on a national level? It was all open to him thanks to this story and he would be damned if he would let the moment pass because of some stupid twinge of conscience. Sharon Fisher seemed to understand that though her husband seemed to be a bit gun shy.

Well you couldn’t blame the guy, if you thought about it. After all there were all those accusations floating around about him now and even he had to admit that after reading that autopsy report he wasn’t so sure if the Goldberg boys were involved anymore or not. Still it wasn’t how he reported it despite the conflicting report on VI News. It was his opinion and he had used his years of experience to showcase his views in an editorial piece rather than as a story. It gave him the leeway to appease legal as well as Dale.

There was no doubt in his mind that tonight’s 5 o’clock newscast would lead with him and his story. More than that he already knew that he would have a 2-minute spot on the national telecast as well. Perhaps even more satisfying was that it would be the second lead story, too. That should pick up the action a bit and he had already warned his agent to standby and be ready to field the calls. Hell, if he played this right, he might even snag himself a job in a US market which would really set him on the path he had been so desperate to climb.

Carefully he turned to see how the Fisher’s were doing and had to smile inwardly as he looked over at the two people. There off to one side was an empty chair, Justin’s high school basketball jacket draped over it. It would be the lead photo as his own face would fade in and he smiled, knowing how stunning of a picture it would be. Gordie even had his first few lines memorized already, throwing in a caustic remark or two about the autopsy report and how the Jewish community was rushing to cover up the involvement of their spiritual leader. He would show that smug son of a bitch who could play the media game or not. There would be some careful editing and people would soon forget that VI News report, remembering his piece instead.

The scene with another empty chair would flash too he thought, which would coincide with him telling everyone how, despite the best efforts of the family, Robbie Fisher was absent from the services, more concerned with his new found lover than with giving his younger brother a proper send off. He knew it wasn’t true but hell no one else did except perhaps that stupid jerk of a Pastor.

God how he hated those religious types who always thought they knew what was best for people. He had strongly objected to letting a camcorder in and had berated the National news guy who had made the request. He, on the other hand had, used his smarts and had made the arrangement with Sharon, who had tipped off the funeral home. That way that stupid pompous ass Pastor didn’t even know about it which just went to show you who was the smarter one among them. He had it all planned and while Jake had balked at it, he knew it would be the piece de resistance to the whole story. People around the country, never mind Victoria, would be talking about this story for days, if not weeks.

If Dale kept his nerve they could turn this into a ratings win that would finally give him the exposure he deserved. He already had several follow up pieces planned including a special live from the school with returning students. With some carefully chosen words to Arthur Keats he had gotten the permission he needed, now all he needed do was convince Dale. It would be just one more added achievement that would insure his nomination for an award or two, if not almost give him a lock on winning it.

The death of Cooper Strathmore had thrown a bit of a curve in his planning but he already had that one worked out. While the other stations were trying to make it as perhaps another reason for Justin’s death, he had found a way to tie it in with that Rabbi and his boys. After all, the boy’s guidenance councilor worked closely with the Vice Principle and he had lucked out. Mount Douglas Vice Principle was not only Jewish but he also served on the board of the Church that that Rabbi was in charge of. It couldn’t have been more tailor made for an interesting conspiracy theory and he had already taped his segment on that, which had aired while everyone was gathering at the chapel.

There had been a momentary twinge when he had pieced the story together but he had quickly banished it from his mind. Instead he focused on his goal, which was to get out of this one horse town and move on to things better. He had quietly asked the camera and so his viewing audience how it was that the boy’s councilor had suddenly committed suicide just before release of the preliminary autopsy report on Justin Fisher was to be released? He then went on to clearly show that Cooper worked closely with the school’s Vice Principle, a member of the Jewish community who was also on the Temples Board of Directors, the same board that had narrowly elected not to renew Rabbi Goldberg’s contract.

It really was a stroke of genius to deflect the VI News report that hinted that maybe the abuse that the autopsy report indicated had something to do with Cooper to now reflect once more that somehow the Goldberg boys were involved. Dale had been a bit hesitant but he had won that argument by turning the piece into an editorial. At least that way, it wouldn’t quite appear as news but as opinion, though he doubted if any of the simpletons that watched the news would know the difference. He was fairly confident they would take it as the gospel, which was fine with him. Naturally, just before his editorial aired, another piece would air that would only lead the viewer to reach the same conclusions that Gordie outlined.

The other stations might ask what connection did Cooper Strathmore have with Justin Fisher, but he and his station had the answers. It was masterful he thought as he sat back in the cushioned seat to once more look out at the huge crowd. There was nothing more pleasing to him than in knowing that he was getting the best of that stuck up Jew and as he stared out the one way glass he saw the heads all turning around. For a second or two he wasn’t sure what was happening and assumed that at last the pompous idiot of a pastor was coming in. He turned to stare down the chapel towards the entrance and as he did, he saw the small group slowly entering.

His jaw fell as his eyes recognized the short balding man coming in behind the Pastor. Gordie couldn’t help but also recognize the tall dark haired boy walking in with the Pastor. In that second he saw all of his carefully laid plans go up in smoke. The anger inside grew, as deep inside of him he heard a small shrill voice finally breaking through. In that split second he knew that he was through and that his entire career would soon be nothing but a passing memory.

The nightmare seemed to only be getting worse as time passed slowly by. First had been that horrible scene outside with all those clambering people wanting comments, wanting pictures or something from him and her. It was like a zoo and yet as he stood there, holding his wife’s hand and staring blankly all he could think about was Justin.

He still found it hard to accept that his precious boy was gone and as much as he hated to even think about it, he did still wish that Robbie would be there, but then he knew it would never happen. Robbie had made his decision and worse he had turned his back on all that he had tried to teach him. How could a child be so ungrateful, he wondered, as he had stood there, listening to the tripe words of sympathy from people who he didn’t even know?

The smell of her perfume kept him in the present but the words and sights were of a different time. He stared blankly, lost in his own thoughts, as the world went about its business all around him. He didn’t care anymore as he just stared, knowing that he had failed in his job of being a good father to his boys. Robbie had chosen a different way of life, a style that Robbie knew would infuriate him and Sharon, yet he had taken that path. More than that he had publicly declared his choice in such a way that would only further add to his and Sharon’s shame. How could his first-born have done such a horrible thing? Didn’t he love him? Didn’t he love his mother?

Walter had tried to shut it all out but the last few days had been too much. The autopsy report on Justin’s death had been the clincher and as much as he wanted to ignore it, he knew in his heart that Justin had chosen death over living as his son. How could someone so precious, so young and full of promise want death over living in the home he and his wife provided? How could he have made such a terrible choice without some hint or some attempt to at least discuss it?

Sitting in the chapel he knew the answers to all of his questions now. His son had followed his older brother in choosing death because what they had to live for had been wrong. Somehow all that he had tried to impart into them had been wrong and while he still couldn’t see how, they had. They had found his thoughts, his deeds, his principles to have no merit or value and so chose to die rather than continue in his ways.

Funny, he had never thought about it much. He had hated the Jews not because of some minister or anything really. It had been the Jews though that had made his own father into a simpering wimp. It had been the Jews who had denied him a father when he needed one the most. Still he knew that it wasn’t fair, wasn’t right, but he had seen it for himself. He had seen how his father would wake up screaming from his memories of those death camps. He could still hear his father’s normally strong voice crying out in pain and shame in a voice that one could only describe as being that of a crying child.

The man he looked up to during the day was totally consumed by his war memories and the horror he had seen. There hadn’t been a day he could remember when his father had laughed fully; there hadn’t been a single day in his memory where he could remember his father looking genuinely happy at anything. Sure the man would smile but it was never a full smile, never one that came unfettered or even naturally. It was always a forced smile or forced laughter instead of what he needed. Even the odd pat on the head for doing something right or well had been forced. You could always see it in Tommy’s eyes and it was because of them, the Jews.

No one had ever explained it to him really but sitting here now, staring out at his own sons casket, he finally began to understand the horror that had filled his father and which now filled him too. He could see it all now and it terrified him. How could he have done all that and not realize? Was he evil itself or was he sick? The voices inside his head wouldn’t leave him alone and he doubted if he had more than a few hours of sleep over the last several days, still though was he crazy or was he finally coming to his senses?

Looking at the polished wood gleaming in the soft chapel lights only made his eyes go darker. He could see the twisted face of his father when he had come running inside to the sound of the mans screams. He could see the stark terror etched on his face and his mother’s face. He had been a mere child really, but he could still hear that shrill shriek and the agony that was etched in each sob that his father made.

It was in stark contrast to how he was during the day. There never was much humour in him and each word was carefully clipped and brisk. Nothing ever escaped him either and discipline had been tough. He tolerated nothing it seemed and yet, when darkness fell, his father, the rock, the disciplinarian would wake up screaming and crying like a baby. He could feel it even now and as he sat there, he knew it was the Jews fault. They should have all died and spared his father the horror of seeing their misery. They should never have let themselves be put into such a situation and yet, in the back of his mind he knew that his anger towards them was wrong. Somewhere deep inside he knew the truth but even now, sitting here he fought it.

The pain inside was unbearable for him but he had no choice. Just as his father maybe didn’t have a choice, neither did he now. The die was cast and whatever would happen, would. His life no longer seemed to mean anything to him and he wondered if that was how Justin felt that last day? Had he felt so hopeless, so empty, that death no longer frightened him?

Surely at his age there had to be more than that? Did Justin feel like his grandfather had felt all those years? He wasn’t sure what was going to happen, his lawyer had been pretty clear though that the future looked rather bleak. Walt had seen all the faces and yet they meant nothing to him anymore. All he could think about was that somehow he had failed in his duty as a father, to not just Justin but to Robbie as well.

Nothing seemed the same anymore since the news of Justin’s death came to them. Even Sharon seemed different and he had caught her looking at him in strange ways. Now, when he needed her the most, she seemed more aloof, more distant, as if he displeased her or something worse. His imagination was working hard he knew, still he couldn’t quite understand why.

Somewhere inside he knew was the answer but as he looked out at the crowded chapel, he knew that he simply couldn’t face the truth. He was afraid of it despite the anger and rage that kept him going. He blamed his father for much of this and yet in his heart he knew it wasn’t Tommy’s fault. Tommy simply hadn’t been able to be a man, he had never been taught, which was one reason why he had vowed that he would make sure his own boys knew how to be real men.

Funny, he had spent a lifetime trying to be the perfect father and yet there were now many out there who thought he was some monster. Even his own lawyer seemed to look at him differently, but he knew in his heart that he had done the right thing. He had been a strong father to his boys and while they had failed to grasp his lessons, there were others like young Neil who understood. At least he had made a difference there and while he may have failed with Robbie and Justin, at least he tried. That was a damn sight more than what most so-called fathers could say today.

He sat upright in the chair, finally coming to grips with the doubts in his soul. Sharon was right, he was a man and needed to show them all how it should be. Tommy was a weak excuse of a man who had let the horrors of war ruin him. He couldn’t do that or allow himself to feel what Tommy had. He had to be strong and he reached out to grab hold of Sharon’s hand. He needed her touch and as his hand held hers, his eyes moved along the rows of people seated and waiting for Pastor Johnson to come in and begin the service.

The cold chill of her hand didn’t bother him as his eyes moved along the front row of young boys. Many of them he knew well, some less than others, as his eyes travelled along the row. He could see Neil sitting at the end of the pew and next to him was Bobby. He sighed a little, wondering if maybe there were still a chance of getting Bobby to join in his lessons? Now that Justin was gone he did have free time and he owed Justin to at least try one more time. Bobby had been his Justy’s best friend and there was no doubt that he could benefit but then again, he knew too that he just didn’t have it in him.

Maybe he would simply end the lessons and his eyes stared blankly at young Bobby. It was a pity that he hadn’t gotten to Bobby sooner because maybe then he would have understood. That was his biggest problem in that if you didn’t get to the kids early enough they just didn’t learn well. His eyes continued to stare at Bobby as he wondered if maybe he should have started earlier with his own boys? Maybe 12 was already too late for some and he watched as Bobby’s head suddenly twisted around to stare back at the entry.

Walter felt the sudden pressure on his hand and he winced from the pain as Sharon squeezed his hand so hard he was certain it would break the bones in it. He almost cried out as he too swiveled his head to see what suddenly everyone was looking at. At first he wasn’t certain what he was looking for or for whom, but as his eyes adjusted ,he felt a thickness around his chest.

He gasped for air as the pain hit him and he let her hand go free as he turned his body fully to stare down the aisle. His whole body was twisted in the chair as he watched his first-born son walking forwards towards him and towards Justin. Walter felt the pain growing deep in his chest as he saw the brooding eyes clearly. There was fear in them, he could see that, but more than that, he saw something else which made his heart stutter and his body tremble.

It was unbelievable to him as he saw the strength being reflected towards him. Robbie was standing fully erect as he walked down the aisle, his body easily taking each step. Walter suddenly felt the chill in his spine as he watched his eldest boy coming forward, defying both his and his wife’s wishes and yet even as he felt the anger, he felt something else and as he watched, he finally began to hear the long stilled voices from within. At long last he began to hear the truth and his body shook and sweat dripped from his forehead, as he knew now what he had always known.

He could feel the shirt sticking to his back once again. Every part of him felt drenched by the constant stream of sweat that was running down his young lithe body. Nothing he did seemed to help as he tried to pull the sticking pant legs off his thigh. Every time he moved he felt like a thousand heads were turned to stare at him. It was like being under a microscope or something and he hated that feeling.

Even when playing basketball, each time he had to make a foul shot or something he would break out into a sweat, only this was worse. It had really pissed him off because the more he tried to ignore that feeling the harder it was for him to concentrate on what he had to do. His foul shooting had been horrible, until Justin had told him a secret.

The memory of that helped a bit but this was so much different that he was certain he would screw it up. It was bad enough to have to be a part of this, to have to sit so close for the whole thing and then, to have to get up in front of everyone and lift up Justin’s… God he couldn’t even say it without trembling. Closing his eyes he tried to use Justin’s trick and for a second or two he was back in time again.

There he was, standing on the foul line, the ball in his hands and there was Justin standing under the basket staring at him, making faces and even calling him names, like pussy, wimp, air head and a host of other things. It was his way to try and distract him but he would only smile as he stared up at the hoop. His eyes would glue to the spot on the backboard where he wanted the ball to hit and his ears heard nothing but the sound of the ball whizzing through the air, striking the board and then the soft swish of air as it fell through the waiting net.

Once more Bobby was there, back when life seemed so much simpler and easier. It was like Justin had said, to just go back when things were good, when no one was around, and see that instead of what was there. It was so adult of him really and yet it always worked. Bobby had tried it and in no time he was almost as good as Justin was at shooting foul shots. Even the coach had remarked at how good he had become but it was Justin’s words that had made it all worthwhile.

It hadn’t been all that long ago, maybe a year at worse when they had been shooting hoops, when Justin seemed distracted. He had missed way too many shots that he normally made without even breaking a sweat. It was then that at last the secret had come out and Bobby could hear his best friends voice even now. The soft almost whispering voice was like a gunshot in his head as he sat there, squirming feeling the chill creeping up his spine.

Bobby’s head turned to stare at the rich dark wooden casket that stood at the very centre of the front, a deep rich clothe hiding the stand totally. The brass handles reflected the soft lights and cast weird shadows all over the place. His heart quickened as the voice was in his head now, and he closed his eyes, begging God to take it away, to stop the torment of that day which had changed everything.

He had asked Justin what it was that was bugging him and finally, with the sun shining and everything looking so picture perfect, his best friend finally told him. Bobby could see his young body, the sweat glistening in the sun as he sat down on the grass near the edge of the cement of the outdoor basketball court. No one else was around and both of them had been playing for hours it seemed. They both were in shorts and runners; their shirts long discarded were now bunched up near them.

His face was twisted and staring over at the casket. He could feel a strange tightness around his throat and inside his chest as he could hear his own voice and Justin’s. It was almost as if he were back in time, watching and hearing it all again. The thunder of his heart made the sweat only pour more from his forehead but his eyes were glazed as he saw it all again, heard it all again.

“Shit man, what’s with you today?”

“Just off I guess.”

“No way dude, you make those shots in your sleep, what’s bugging you?”

“Nothing, okay?”

He knew it was just his memory playing tricks with his mind but he couldn’t help but remember it all even as he tried to shut it out, tried to force his memory to shut off and let him just get through this without screwing up.

“Shit sorry for asking.”

“No… it’s okay man, I just kind of… it’s the old man.”

“Oh.”

“Uh, how come you didn’t tell me?”

He could see the pained look on Justin’s face and for a moment or two he wished he could take it all back, wished he had never even asked him what was wrong but he couldn’t. The words had been said and he hated this, wishing that he could find a way to turn it around, to change the subject or something, anything that would spare him having to talk about this with Justin. He had wanted to before but he knew he couldn’t, not this way or at least not until he figured it out for himself.

“Tell you? What?”

“You know.”

“Uh, no dude, what uh, what are you talking about?”

‘Fuck don’t Bobby okay? He told me.”

“Shit man I don’t…”

“I know you were up at the cabin last weekend.”

Justin’s voice had been so calm, so quiet that for a moment Bobby hadn’t believed him but as he stared into his face, he could see the worry and he knew that Justin knew about it all. What was he going to do and he could feel that sense of shame rising up once more, and he wished he knew what it was that he had done that had given Justin’s dad the idea that he was that way. He just wanted it to go away, but looking at Justin, he knew it wouldn’t.

“Oh, I uh… I didn’t… fuck what do you want me to say dude? Your old man is weird.”

“Yeah… uh, you tell anyone?”

“Are you fucking nuts? No bloody way dude, uh…”

“Bobby, I… promise me something.”

Justin’s face had gone white and worse for him was that Justin kept looking everywhere but at him. In some ways he had expected that, still it had hurt to know that even his best friend Justin thought he was maybe different. He really felt like just running away but he stayed, hoping for some miracle, something that would let him keep his secret and so keep his friendship. Bobby didn’t know how he could manage if Justin stopped being his friend.

“Sure, what?”

“Don’t tell anyone, no matter what happens, don’t tell anyone.”

It wasn’t the promise he had expected. He didn’t understand why, but Justin seemed worried that he would dump him when there was no way he would ever want anyone else as his best friend. Whatever Justin’s dad had done it didn’t seem to be what was upsetting Justin.

“I don’t know dude, uh, I mean shit man, that is pretty uh… well it isn’t exactly… fuck…”

“Please Bobby… don’t, for me dude, please.”

He felt scared because Justin was actually pleading with him. Hell he could see tears in his friend’s eyes, when he managed to see them, and it scared him. Justin was always the tough one, the one that nothing ever seemed to bother. Now all that suddenly had vanished and here he was, the tough guy nearly in tears. Bobby felt weird talking to Justin like this but he couldn’t help but wonder a little. What if Justin’s old man wasn’t just going for his friends? He shivered at that thought as he looked at his friend with a sense of dread.

“Shit, I don’t know, uh, tell me something first.”

“What?”

“He uh, he do that with you?”

“Yeah.”

Justin said it so quietly that for a moment he didn’t even realize that he had answered but then it hit him. He couldn’t believe it and for a brief moment he acted out of instinct, asking the question without even thinking about it.

“But… I mean you aren’t… uh you…”

“No… no I don’t think so, I mean… please Bobby, if it ever got out…”

“Yeah I know… but, shit why man? Why do you let him do that?”

“He’s my dad, besides, it isn’t what you think, least I don’t think it is… Robbie… well he says it is maybe but I don’t know, he and dad are really fighting but…”

“Fuck he does it to Robbie too? Fuck man, that is sick!”

“NO IT ISN’T! DON’T SAY That MAN!”

The sudden loud angry voice had startled him and he had found himself backing up a little. His whole body had gone tense as if he were about to get hit or something and yet in his heart he knew that Justin would never hit him. In his heart he knew that he had a choice to make, one that would determine a lot more than whether or not he and Justin were friends or not. Somehow he just knew that he would do whatever it was Justin wanted, even if that meant giving in to Walter and taking what he called ‘lessons’. It scared him to think about that but he knew that he would, if Justin asked.

“Whoa, okay, sorry Justy, shit… cool down man, I just… I mean fuck, don’t you think its weird?”

“Kind of, but it… well it is hard to explain okay? Some get it, some don’t, but it isn’t like what you think, trust me on that, please Bobby?”

“I suppose, I mean if you are okay with it, I guess I can keep it quiet.”

“Thanks man, it really isn’t what you think.”

In a way he was feeling a bit relieved. So far Justin hadn’t asked him to do anything that he already hadn’t decided to do. No way was he going to tell anyone about that time up at the Fisher cabin, not before and now he had an even better reason not, his best friend had asked him not to. Now at least maybe he would get over the icky feeling that he had been carrying with him ever since. Part of that he knew had been the fear that Justin would find out and then not want him to hang around anymore.

“I guess, shit though, it is kind of twisted dude, uh… you been uh, you been getting those uh, those lessons long? I mean… he is kind of… well…”

“Guess… since I was 12 I think, but it wasn’t like it went all the way at first, ya know?”

He felt sick inside as he recalled the size of Walt’s dick. To think that his best friend had been forced to take that thing in his butt made him want to puke. Bobby didn’t know what to say or do really expect to try and act like it was just strange to him. He could feel Justin’s fear growing and there was something else too, as if Justin wanted to say more but was afraid to.

“All the way? Shit… you mean he actually… fuck Justy, I don’t know dude, I mean…”

“He has to, I mean how else can you know how she feels if … look Bobby, you gotta promise me man, I gotta know you won’t tell.”

The look in Justin’s eyes said it all to him and he felt the fear then, knowing he had no choice really. His heart was scared as he looked at his best friend’s face, seeing the total fear that Justin was feeling at that moment.

“Why? Did your dad… I mean sure, I’ll promise.”

“For real man, I mean no matter what, you have to do this for me man, I never asked you for anything, please Bobby…”

“Hey I said I would, okay? Shit you know I keep my word to you.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Okay, done deal dude.”

“Yeah, uh, look, he won’t try to get you to join his classes again, okay? I swear it man.”

There was a strange glint in Justin’s face when he had said that. He didn’t know what it meant but he felt suddenly relieved. No more worry about Justin asking him to take any of Walt’s lessons and he just wanted to get this over with. Somehow the image of Justin spread out waiting for his lesson just wouldn’t go away. It was burned into his memory, as he tried to figure out why someone like Justin would let his dad do that to him. He didn’t even want to think about how Robbie could let it happen.

“Okay… uh Justy?”

“Yeah?”

“You okay with it?”

“He’s my dad Bobby.”

His whole body was trembling now and he had failed to hear the deafening silence that had overtaken the entire room. His heart was still thundering in his ears as he slowly let his eyes look over to where his best friend was right now. He could feel the tears rolling down his face as the silence finally intruded on him and he turned his face to see Pastor Johnson slowly moving up the aisle, and then, as the cold chilled his heart, he turned his face to suddenly find himself staring deep into Robbie Fisher’s eyes.

Every part of him shook as he looked into Robbie’s face. He could see it all now, see Justin’s fear and feel it even now. He saw it in Robbie’s own face and as their eyes locked, he felt Robbie’s own fear and terror come rushing towards him. Worse he could see that Robbie knew his secret, just as Justin had feared he would. Bobby lowered his eyes, the pain in his chest growing as his pulse raced and his breathing became rapid and just when he thought it couldn’t get worse, he heard the sudden angry epitaph being shouted from behind him.

‘FAGGOT! GET OUT OF HERE FAGGOT!”

The sound of his heart racing was like an echo inside his head as he walked towards the two men standing by the chapel entrance. This was the moment of truth for him and everything that had happened in the last few weeks suddenly flashed before his eyes. He could see it all and yet even those images paled as he saw Justin’s face grinning at him. Just beyond that door he knew his brother was finally resting and waiting for him. The sound of a boy’s laugh replaced the harsh beat of his heart. It was Justin’s laugh and he felt the pain ripping at him but he no longer feared it.

Staring at the doors he wondered if he would have the courage but even as the thought of turning and running came to him, he once more heard his brother’s laughter echo inside. He could see him now, running down a hill towards a basketball court, his hair blowing in the wind as his legs strode down the hill faster and faster. He was laughing and looking back, grinning like only he could grin and Robbie felt his presence. He could feel Justin’s breath on his cheeks as he stopped and stared at the doors.

Robbie could feel Pastor Johnson’s eyes on him and he turned to him and smiled. Then in a soft whisper that only Pastor Johnson could hear, Robbie thanked him and then said he would walk in alone now. Before the Pastor could answer, Robbie had moved forward and entered the chapel alone.

“I am here little brother.”

The words were whispered by his heart as he came inside, and he felt the pain ripping hard into his body. He struggled to grasp some air as he felt his presence growing. Slowly he began to walk forward, towards the shining coffin that stood transfixed in his eyes. Nothing else seemed to matter as the people sitting by the door suddenly stopped talking as they recognized him.

Carefully he kept his head up and his eyes fixed on Justin. The face stared out at him from atop the glistening wooden casket. Robbie could see the light dancing from the brass handles as he stepped further inside, knowing that Pastor Johnson was striding in a few steps behind him. Behind the Pastor he could feel the warmth and love that came from his real family. Josh’s voice was in his head now and next to the quivering beat of his frightened heart he could feel Josh’s heart now. He felt its strong beat and he knew he was loved, loved for who he was, not what people thought he was.

At first the room looked dark and gloomy but as he took a few more steps inside, feeling Josh’s hand in his even though Josh was several feet behind him, he knew that this was his time. This was where he needed to be and so his step grew stronger because he no longer feared living. He was here for Justin and once more he whispered quietly to himself, telling his brother that he was here. Unlike the first time he had said it, this time he heard the answer and he knew that Justin was waiting for him. He knew deep in his very soul that Justin had expected him and he felt the joy of once more knowing his brother.

Robbie could smell his presence even. That scent was in his nostrils and he could feel his breath against his cheeks. There was no denying it that Justin was here, waiting for him and it made Robbie relax a little. They hadn’t parted best of friends but deep in his heart he knew that Justin had understood. At the hospital he had said he had but now Robbie knew it was for real. He knew it because Justin was here, was waiting for him.

His step was even and behind him he could feel the cold eyes of the crowd bearing down on him. The silence might be deafening to them but to him it was not silent. He heard so much now, as he stepped further up the aisle, coming closer to his brother. Robbie could hear Josh’s voice wishing him well, Joel’s younger voice praying for him, and of course he could hear her voice too, a voice strong and telling him how much naches[10. meaning pride] she was feeling as she followed him inside. There too he could hear his voice as well, the voice that had first come to him so long ago in that garden at the hospital. He heard it now, telling him that he was never alone, that he was god’s son too and that no matter what, God truly did love him.

The closer he came to the front of the chapel, the closer he came to Justin’s casket the more he felt his brother’s presence. He was there waiting and as he walked steadily forward he felt the dull throb around his wrists start up again. He felt the pain that had come to him the instant he had made the first cut on his flesh and now he knew how wrong it had been. He knew now that life was not his to choose or not, that somehow it was there for him to make out of it what he could.

The silence that grew around him was slowly turning into anger and hatred but Robbie ignored it, as he ignored the pain that came to his mind once more. He could feel the terrible ripping pain that always came when his father entered his body, he could feel the pain of his own despair as he tried to comfort Justin after he too had suffered that terrible pain that came from his father. He felt it all once more and it didn’t ease, but he didn’t care because he was here for Justin at last. No more running and as he kept walking forward the nightmare slowly eased in his mind. It no longer could paralyze him or turn his heart from its task. No more did the terror have a hold on him as he finally came up to the front of the chapel. Justin lay just a few feet from him as he finally turned his head to stare along the row of young faces that sat in the front pew.

He saw Neil Schellenberg’s face that mirrored nothing but surprise and anger and fear in one. Next to him was Bobby and he could see it in his eyes and all at once he understood now. Robbie could hear it now and as he stopped and looked long and deep into Bobby’s face, he heard it all. He heard the voice of his brother asking Bobby to promise, he heard Bobby answering and he knew it all now. His heart shook a little and then reached out, willing Bobby’s own heart to answer.

The words finally began to register and he turned to see the angry faces that stared out at him but he ignored them and moved forward, knowing that this was his place. He didn’t go far nor did he go over to the empty pew that was being guarded by a staff member of the funeral home. Instead he calmly walked towards his brother and then he placed one hand on the top of the casket. His heart cried then as he touched the warm wood and inside he knew his brother’s mortal body lay, but in his soul he knew where Justin really was. Still he cried inside for him, wishing that he could have known what he now knew.

Slowly he heard the rising tide of angry whispers but he refused to turn just yet. His heart sang out to the fallen one that lay under his hand. Robbie heard the quiet coming and knew that his real family were now with him. He could feel their presence as they sat down in the empty front pew. Without looking he could see Josh’s face, feel the concern that was directed at him. He could feel Joel’s fear and yet soft quiet determination to not cut and run like so many others might. Then there was her and he couldn’t mistake her will that was concentrated on him alone. No force existed that could deny that will and he felt her strength slowly filling him with its courage and wisdom too even as the words echoed in his head.

On his shoulder he could feel the hand now even though there was no hand there. He had come and he knew it, as he finally turned from his brother to face the angry group of people. His face was taut and tears rolled down his cheeks as he turned around, his hand still resting on the top of the coffin. His eyes sparkled as he looked out at the murmuring crowd of people. Slowly the silence grew as he refused to move, refused to bow to their hatred or anger.

For some reason it only infuriated some of them. He could feel their anger and hatred reaching for him as he stood there. His hand rested lightly on top of the warm coffin taking strength from his brother and from those who had come with him and once more he saw his brothers face. It was twisted in pain as he was slowly sitting down. Robbie watched as Justin stretched out on the dark green grass under the huge elm tree and stared up at the far window on the third floor. Through Justin’s eyes, he saw that the lights were on and he knew then that Justin had come back to him. The tears rolled down his face as once more a voice cried out “Go Home Faggot! GO HOME!”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Josh begin to try and stand up and he smiled inside as he saw the hand come across to hold Josh back. In his soul he knew that the Rabbi was right in holding Josh back, this was for him to face and not for Josh to share in. Once more his face turned to stare fully at the crowd as another voice echoed in the room “JEW LOVER! GO HOME FAGGOT! TAKE YOUR JEW FRIENDS & GO!”

Robbie’s heart stopped for a second as he saw the way Joel’s head bowed down. He could feel his pain from where he stood and he tried to reach out for him, tried to let his heart touch Joel’s to give back to him some small measure of what Joel had given to him over the last few days. Instead he heard her voice.

“Lift you head up kinder, they cannot hurt you or us, show them what a real menche[12. meaning man] is, look at your brother up there, see how he stands tall? Look to your own brother kinder, he too stands tall, so come, lift your head up and show them what real men do.”

He heard it all and he saw Joel looking at his mother. He could see his eyes filled with tears but they no longer held the fear as they turned to look back at him. Robbie waited as Joel lifted his head back up and stared out at him, a small glimmer shimmering in the misted eyes as once more the words and taunts came from some hidden voice in the middle of the chapel. Robbie felt the warmth filling his body as he looked out at the crowd and then went back to the front pew. He stared at the line of 8 young boys who sat there.

Each one lowered his head as Robbie stared at them each until he finally came to Bobby and Neil. Bobby he could tell wanted to drop his head, to look away, but something was holding him back. Their eyes met and Robbie let his heart reach out and touch once more Bobby’s soul. He could feel Justin’s breath and hear his laughter and even feel his tears as he held Bobby’s eyes with his own. At last he could tell that Bobby now understood, that at last Bobby knew that he was no longer alone with his secret.

His face turned finally to Neil’s face. Robbie could see the hatred that was consuming the young boy. There was no mistaking his look of contempt and disdain and it made him quiver a little until the forces arraigned with him rose up to fight back the anger. There was something deep and dark hidden within Neil that he knew would either consume Neil or eventually erupt. He wished he knew the answer but all he could do was pity the boy for all the anger and hatred that he kept bottled up inside.

“You don’t belong here Jew Lover, why don’t you go?”

He could see the way everyone suddenly stopped whispering and pointing at him. The boys on the front pew all leaned back and stared over to their right at Neil who had spoken out. His voice had been normal toned but you could hear the hatred dripping from each letter of each word as it was spoken. Robbie could feel the crowd staring at Neil then towards him, as he stared back.

“Justin is my brother Neil, this is where I belong, it is where I will always be, at his side.”

“You weren’t when he needed you, go away, it is too late.”

“No.”

Neil glared at Robbie and yet with each passing second he felt like something had changed inside. He couldn’t deny the courage that Robbie was showing as he stood there, defiant and yet there was no fear. He didn’t look like a coward like Walt had said, which couldn’t be wrong or could it? Staring at Robbie now, listening to his quiet determination shook him deeply as he couldn’t think of anything to say. Robbie had said it all in one simple word and there just wasn’t an answer.

He turned his face away from Robbie and looked over towards the other pew and the people who sat there. He saw Josh who was looking at Robbie in a way that made Neil look back at Robbie. It wasn’t admiration but something more and it reminded him of how his own mother would look at him sometimes, though not lately. Neil’s eyes went back to the dark glassed in room and he tried to see inside, wondering what he should do or what Walt was thinking. As he tried to peer beyond the darkened glass he realized that it no longer mattered to him what Walt thought.

His face twitched and his body shook a little as he turned to look over at Robbie one more time. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be if what Walt had said was true, but if what his mom had told him was true, then this was how it was supposed to be. Neil felt confused as he tried to figure out who was right, when he felt a touch on his arm and he saw Bobby’s hand on his arm.

“Let it go Neil.”

“But…”

“No Neil, let it go, what Walt has told you, it isn’t true, you know that just as Justin knew it.”

“No, you don’t know… you were never…”

“Yes I was, one time, so let it go Neil. It was wrong and Robbie is right where Justin would want him, let it go man, for Justin, let it go.”

The tears were there and this time Neil couldn’t stop them from falling down his face. His body trembled as he tried to fight them off, tried to hold them back but the harder he tried the faster they came. He felt the anger inside but he couldn’t understand it anymore as he tried to fight, tried to do what Walt would want him to do but he no longer knew what it was that Walt wanted from him. He looked at Bobby, then at Robbie, and finally he looked over towards where Walt was. He couldn’t see Walter and he felt so alone until he saw Joel looking at him. His eyes met Joel’s and he was surprised that there was no hatred there, no anger or anything but a strange sadness.

His body continued to shake as he turned his face back towards Robbie and then over to Bobby. He didn’t know what to do, when he felt a soft hand on his shoulder and his mother stood there. He looked up into her eyes and saw her tears too as she kneeled down. He felt her hands around him and he let himself fall into the open arms, his tears rolling down his face, as he finally began to sob. His voice broke as he cried and he felt Bobby’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing it in a way that he knew was friendly and not out of shame or anything like that. At last he let himself cry and as his sobs echoed in the chapel, he heard Pastor Johnson’s voice softly repeating the Lord’s Prayer.

Epilogue

Debbie was standing next to Myron as the cars began pulling away from the cemetery. The wind had picked up and the short simple service had ended with many a young boy wiping their eyes. She still couldn’t believe how empty she felt as she watched young Justin’s Fisher’s coffin slowly lowered into the ground. Through the whole service at the Chapel and now here at the cemetery, Robbie had never once left the side of the coffin.

Sharon and Walter Fisher had not followed the coffin out of the chapel and they had briskly walked away from the grave before anyone could even think about talking to them or attempting to offer their condolences. Debbie had been stunned by the strange quiet that had overtaken the entire crowd inside the chapel. No more catcalls or comments came as Pastor Johnson led the service to its conclusion. Even here at the cemetery there had been nothing but a somber silence that surprised her. The adults were just as reflective and for once, the press had actually been respectful.

She felt completely drained and as she watched Margaret Sinclair come forwards, she felt a slight irritation as the stern looking lady came closer. Debbie really didn’t want to talk to her and was rather surprised when she heard a small cough to her side. She turned to see a young boy standing there who looked very familiar but she just couldn’t place him. At first she thought he might be a past client, but it didn’t seem possible, clients she always remembered.

“Yes?”

“You don’t remember me do you, Miss Winston?”

“No I don’t, I am sorry.”

“I am Dave… Dave Treat.”

It all came back to her as he said his name and she felt Myron holding her hand a little tighter as he too recognized the name. The others also quietened as the boy’s name made them all look at her and him. She could feel the Rabbi moving in closer but it was the other boy who stood behind Dave Treat who stunned her. The tall young man had been watching her ever since they had arrived at the cemetery and now he had come forward along with a man and lady who had to be his parents She watched as they stopped Margaret Sinclair and judging by the face of the man, she knew that her instincts had been right about one thing, wrong about another. Her eyes were once more clouding over from the emotions, as she saw Robbie Fisher standing with Adele and the Rabbi.

“I am sorry Dave, you have grown up so much since we last met.”

“Yeah, it was over there, the last time that is.”

“I remember.”

“I think I need to tell you some things.”

“I expect so, uh Myron, can we use your car?”

Myron just nodded and handed her the keys to the car. He felt totally exhausted as he watched her and the young teenager walk away together towards his car. It was amazing to watch her work and he knew that one more piece of the puzzle was falling into place. Still he felt a bit saddened by it all, realizing that a young boy had died which maybe could have been prevented if only someone had bothered to look one step beyond what the book had said.

He sighed as he walked back to where the Rabbi and his family were standing. Judge Albamere was there with them, as he came up and was about to say something just as Neil Schellenberg and his mother came up. The Judge had been talking to Robbie but stopped as the red-eyed boy came forward. Neil was looking more at his feet than at anyone, when he began to speak.

Neil mumbled something that no one could hear but Myron watched as Adele moved in closer, a smile on her face as she put her finger on Neil’s chin and lifted up his face.

“Ach, you have such a nice face, why hide it? So, what is it you wish to say to my husband, the Rabbi?”

“Uh… I am sorry for… I know I was supposed to come and help uh…”

“Yes, well there is still some cleaning to do, if you still want to come and help?”

“Okay… uh Rabbi?”

“Yes, Neil?”

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

He began to move away with his mother but stopped as he heard his name called. His body trembled as he stared over to where the sound came from and he recognized Robbie’s voice.

“Josh and I are helping Bobby and Joel practice, you want to come by later and join in?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, those two need all the help they can get, maybe with three on their side, it might make the game at least close.”

Neil just nodded, as he couldn’t really speak. He looked at Robbie, as he tried to hold back the tears that were coming back to him. It really wasn’t how Walt said it was and he realized once more what a fool he had been, but as he felt his mother’s hand on his shoulder, he also realized that he really no longer cared what Walt had said, that at last he just wanted to think for himself.

Joel leaned into his mother’s side as he watched Neil walking away from them. He still didn’t know much about what all that gay stuff was but he no longer cared what it meant because it wasn’t what mattered. To him he had his brother back and as a bonus, he had himself another older brother, too. Somehow it all seemed to be worth all that had happened to see the way his brother Josh looked. He felt his mother’s warmth as he nestled in closer, just enjoying her presence and feeling a bit sad. Joel wished that Justin had lived and gotten to know his family. It would have been neat to have someone his own age to help take on the two older one’s.

The wind blew softly and the leaves on the grass rustled a little as Josh walked up to stand close to Robbie. His hand lightly touched the back of Robbie’s hand as they stood there, watching Neil walk away with his mother. His head was no longer bent over and they both watched as he walked away holding onto his mother’s hand.

Robbie turned to look into Josh’s face, as Neil walked out of sight. They didn’t need any words for them as they stood there, just staring deeply into each other’s very soul. Robbie no longer felt guilty for being alive or for being who he was. Those demons had finally been banished from within and even the dull throb around his wrists was finally erased. Looking and touching Josh’s soul was all he needed and there no longer was any fear inside that could keep him from being the person he had been destined to be.

Judge Albamere had told him that he would arrange for a basketball scholarship to UVic if Robbie wanted and also that Josh could get a try out as well. It was like his whole world had finally been turned back to where it was supposed to be and he knew how close he had come to losing it all, simply because he had tried to keep a secret that should never be hidden. He knew now that his father had been wrong, that a real man was one who cried and who bled. A real man was one who listened to his heart, when his head tried to tell him otherwise, a real man was one who loved another with all of his being not just his sexual organs. He also knew now that love did indeed conquer all if you had the courage to let it.

“Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Think we can convince mama to make us some of that strudel?”

“I heard that! Only if you help boychik, Abner! Come the kinder are hungry and we have strudel to make.”

“Oie vey, more baking? Robbie we are going to have to talk about that strudel addiction you have developed.”

Joel laughed at his father and waited for Josh and Robbie to catch up to them all. He maneuvered himself in between the two and with his head held up he walked towards the car, feeling like tomorrow would not be so bad, but it would never beat how he felt right now. His eyes moved upwards for a bit as he silently thanked HIM for giving him such a life. Adele saw her youngest head lifted upwards and she nudged her husband in the ribs to make him look even though he already was. She could feel his heart next to hers and she sighed, telling him how proud she was of her three boys. Her own eyes lifted upwards and once more she spoke to her maker.

“Nu? Strudel you had to give him a craving for? What is wrong with something a little simpler? I am no spring chicken you know.”

Abner heard her thoughts and he smiled as he too looked upwards towards the clear blue sky.