Chapter 52

Ron Cohen

It had been a troubling week for him and now it was even more disturbing. First was the board meeting and as much as he thought he admired the Rabbi he just didn’t agree with him. There was no way that kids today respected the soft approach. If you didn’t catch them early enough and provide strong discipline, well the result was incidents like that by that Neil Schellenberg boy.

He knew Neil from school records and he had to say he was a little surprised by him being involved and then again in some ways he wasn’t. There was no set reason for him to feel that way, just that he had an impression of a boy on a collision course. Now, thanks to his Rabbi, that boy was cock of the walk or at least would be. There would be rough times ahead in trying to deal with Neil now that he had gone up against the law and won. Least that would be how he and his classmates would see it.

Ron was certain that Rabbi Goldberg’s actions were well meaning but the saying that the road to hell was paved with good intentions came to mind despite the fancy talk by the lawyers and everyone else. In his gut he just knew that you couldn’t let a kid like Neil get away with these types of things. His own position would be in question now and his authority at school would be tested repeatedly, simply because he was Jewish. The word would be out that because the Rabbi let Neil off, Ron would do the same.

Well, he knew they were mistaken, which was just one more reason why he had to side with Sam on the vote. Rabbi Goldberg was too narrow minded, too focused on the one single incident and just wasn’t looking at the broad picture like he should. He also felt that having his boy, Joshua, involved in the whole affair had also tainted the Rabbi’s judgement. He couldn’t fault him for that but as a Rabbi he should have known better or at least should have left the decision to someone else instead of himself. It just was too risky the way he was acting and now who knew what would happen?

He had the local newspaper spread out on one side of his kitchen table, the pages opened to the Justin Fisher autopsy report and explanation. How could any human allow such things by choice continued to amaze him. Rob didn’t think he was a prude or anything but the idea of letting someone place their penis into the rectum was just something he couldn’t fathom. How could anyone find that enjoyable was beyond him and now, at least the way the Times Colonist (Victoria’s daily newspaper) reported it, that could have been a leading cause for the rupture in Justin Fisher’s artery.

It struck him as bizarre and gross actually and as much as he liked to think he was a good liberal, the notion that these people should be given license to practise their bizarre sexual rituals was becoming too much for him to take. Even VI News last night had warned people about the graphic nature of their report and they were no way as specific as the newspaper was. How anyone could enjoy that kind of activity bothered him but maybe what upset him the most was that his own Rabbi seemed okay with it.

Ron sighed as he turned to open the Province paper he had purchased from the corner store a bit earlier. He enjoyed a nice walk to the store first thing and now and then he would buy the morning Vancouver paper. Today there really wasn’t a choice because even the big city paper had front page coverage of good old Victoria’s scandal. Unlike the Colonist, the Province headline read:

RESPECTED BOY’S COUNCILLOR DIES AT OWN HAND

MORE UNCERTAINTY AS TO CAUSE OF DEATH FOR VICTORIA ATHLETE

He couldn’t help but buy it and now as he scanned the headline about his colleague, he began to wonder about Cooper. He was well liked by the students and as far as he knew, the other teachers seemed amiable towards him too. So why would a career man like that suddenly just end his life? In the Colonist they speculated on a whole wide range of issues, mainly centering on his involvement or possible involvement with last years sex abuse charges that turned out to be false. Now, naturally, the Colonist was trying to imply that perhaps there was something to the charges.

From what he had known of Cooper Strathmore he doubted if the man could ever do anything remotely like what the paper was implying. Hell, the man was a regular churchgoer, not only to his own but also to a few of the others. He was on several inter faith committees which is one more connection that Ron had with him. No, from what he knew of Cooper, there was no way that he had been in anyway involved in some sex abuse affair. If the worse was to be said about Cooper, it would be that in many ways he was just plain boring. He rarely cracked a joke or did anything silly. He was always the perfect gentleman, opening doors for women, which even included the female students. To even imply he would touch a boy inappropriately was just too wild and bizarre.

His eye moved past the dry reporting of his death and headed on to the piece about young Justin Fisher. There he sucked in his breath as he read the reporters synopsis of the autopsy report. He had expected much of the same but as his eyes read the words, his mind became confused. The wording was so much different that, after finishing it, he had to go back and reread the whole piece again. It was in complete contradiction with what he had read in the Times Colonist or listened to on VI News.

For starters, this reporter claimed the report clearly said that while the prior sexual activity of Justin Fisher over time might have led to weakening in his inner colon lining, that the Coroner ruled it out as a major contributing factor. Instead the Coroner had ruled that even the actual accident itself was a major factor, but it by itself wasn’t sufficient to have caused death. The Province report continued to explain that in the findings, the Coroner listed several other factors that might have added to the problem, chief among them being that the victim did not immediately seek medical help when the condition apparently worsened. In fact, according to the Province details, that was considered to be the primary contributing factor leading to the boy’s death rather than the gash on his inner thigh.

Reading the report for a third time Ron noticed that the details regarding Justin’s sexual activity indicated that it was not likely that he had engaged in any anal sexual activity for at least 24 to 48 hours prior to his bike accident but that there was a small chance that his prior activities had provided sufficient weakness to the linings that his inability to seek immediate care had only hastened the final breakdown within.

According to the Province accounting of the report, the Coroner felt that had Justin Fisher sought medical treatment immediately afterwards, that more might have been done to have prevented the final arterial explosion and that at worst, if he were under treatment that it might have occurred where proper procedures were in place for dealing with it, such as being in an actual operating theatre instead of an emergency ward room. In fact it looked like the Coroner had knocked the attending physician a bit for not taking him up to an operating theatre but then it also seemed to indicate that some responsibility lay with the parent who didn’t immediately take him to a hospital for treatment.

The Province recounted much of the Fisher case, even the part about the Shul being vandalized. He saw the added piece about how much was being made about the Rabbi’s involvement and there was even a comment from the Vancouver Rabbi who said in essence, that Rabbi Goldberg was doing exactly what any good spiritual leader should be doing. That little comment brought Ron up short as he recognized the temple name, knowing that this Rabbi was from the orthodox synagogue. How could he support what Rabbi Goldberg had done? If anything, he would have expected him to be railing against Rabbi Goldberg, yet there he was supporting his stance on gays and the Jewish faith.

Ron leaned back in his chair and sipped at the cool coffee. Spread out before him were the two newspapers and both were describing the exact same report, yet he no longer knew which one was real or which one fabricated. Worse to him was that while the VI News report was similar to the report in the Times Colonist, even that was different in spots. VI News seemed to imply that Justin had engaged in some sort of deviant sexual activity after the motorcycle accident and based that supposition on the Coroner’s report. The Colonist didn’t go that far but did seem to imply that at some point in the last 24 hours Justin had been anally penetrated and now the Province quoted the actual report saying it was unlikely that Justin had any type of anal intercourse in the last 24 to 48 hours. Which was true?

Watching the news last night, Ron had been certain that today’s funeral would be highly charged and that a great deal of animosity would be present against the Rabbi and more importantly against Jews. He had been a bit worried by that as Arthur Keats, the principle, had requested that he attend on behalf of the school. He didn’t know how many of the kids would react to his presence, given that most knew of his Judaic heritage and now, the Times Colonist report would only add fuel to those feelings. Trouble was, the Province made the innuendo in the other media seem false. Would many have read the Province as well?

The Province paper hadn’t drawn any hard link between Cooper and Justin Fisher. Its only comment was that Cooper had been a teacher in the same school that young Justin Fisher had attended. The Colonist on the other hand had a whole quarter page detailing the possible link between Cooper Strathmore and Justin Fisher. How did they even know he was Justin’s councillor was one nagging point. There were others but Ron’s mind kept trying to comprehend how three different media sources could report on one report that had one conclusion and yet in their reporting of that, come up with three different conclusions?

He shook his head and wondered if maybe the Rabbi did have a point. Maybe all you could really do was take it one single case at a time and yet somehow he still didn’t quite buy that. For now he was much more concerned with how would the students he knew react, especially at his presence at the funeral. Would they stare at him with that common blank look they generally always used when looking at a teacher or would there be an obvious look of hate and disdain? It bothered him because he really didn’t like to think that anyone actually hated him. He always believed that he had treated all of his students with respect and compassion, even if he did follow the rules to the letter. After all, without discipline you had nothing but chaos.

Ron sighed as he stared at his watch. There was too much to do for him to ponder the unknown or try to figure out why two newspapers owned by the same conglomerate had two different accountings of something. He had to live in the real world of facts and the fact of the matter was that no one knew why Justin Fisher had not sought medical help earlier. It was a mystery that experts would have to answer but for now he had to pick out his suit and wonder how he would respond to any derogatory comments by his students while at the funeral services or even if there would be any such comments. Given the Neil Schellenberg incident, he felt fairly safe in assuming that something would happen.

Debbie Winston

She must be totally insane she thought as she sat at her desk looking at her watch. To be so anxious for time to pass just so she could be with a man was unbelievable to her. Even her normal reserve self had been shattered by Myron’s proposal. The way she had walked in to work yesterday morning had only been the start. For her, she thought she had acted no differently than any other morning but somehow all the other women noticed until finally one came up and asked her what had her smiling so much. It was then that the co-worker had noticed her engagement ring and that had been it. The entire room had become one massive party like place. People she rarely spoke to had patted her on the back and even the news about Cooper Strathmore hadn’t dented the festivities.

It wasn’t until later in the afternoon, when the Saanich detective had come by, that she finally got her feet back on the ground. The detective came with a plain manila folder in his hand and as he sat down, she could see the tired look etched all across his face. When he told her why he was here, she too felt the coldness creeping inside. All thoughts of Myron were pretty much banished but not totally which also surprised her a bit. She must be in love, she thought, otherwise she would have banished all thought of him not just most.

The detective brought out several plastic Baggies from his folder. In each baggy was one sheet of plain 8½ x11 white bond paper with neatly written text filling it up. Each page had a full margin and was perfectly aligned despite the lack of lines or anything else. She sat down to read the 9 pages that comprised Cooper Strathmore’s suicide note with a sense of dread that only became more intense as she read the last words of a dead man.

Her heart grew still as she read the dry but precise accounting of how Cooper Strathmore had sexually abused a young 13 year old boy named Cory Treat. Her whole body shook as she realized that in her hand was the final piece to the puzzle to the case that had dogged her for nearly 6 long years. Tears welled up in her eyes as she read the man’s accounting of how he had given in to his urges without meaning to hurt the boy, how he had honestly believed that Cory had desired the sexual attentions he more or less forced on him.

The anger she felt as she read his justification for sexually abusing a minor was not even tempered by the fact that the man was dead. In her heart she wished he was still alive so that he could suffer too. It wasn’t fair, she thought, that poor Cory had to have gone through all that grief and misery, while this man got off without even the pain of a slashed wrist or even fractional second of pain as a bullet crashed through his skull. Instead he had simply gone to sleep and just never woke up. It just wasn’t fair.

Once more Debbie glanced at her watch, leaning back a little in her chair as she waited for Myron to arrive. Everyone in the office was watching her, she could tell, and, unlike other times, it felt good. They were watching not to see her fail or get angry, but to greet her man. It would be their chance to finally see and meet the man who had swept the dragon lady off her feet and helped make her less of a dragon and more of a human. She had to smile at that but she also had to frown a little as well.

Why hadn’t she even considered Cooper Strathmore she wondered? Why had she been so blind to the possibility that Cory had been abused by one of the four other men in his young life, and still, she wondered who was his other special friend? Who was the boy that Cory had been dating? The Judge had his opinion and for the life of her she tended to agree with him. It fit actually and worse, it also explained perhaps some other things.

Cooper’s suicide note had done more than just provide an explanation to young Cory’s death. It had given her some closure but it had also provided her with further corroboration to both Judge Albamere’s conclusions and to what Robbie Fisher had told her. It all finally had fit into place and yet, even as she had read the neatly written pages, she felt sick and very tired. There was something pathetic really about the ramblings contained in the note that in some levels made her feel sorry for the man who wrote them and yet despite that, she just couldn’t shake the simple fact that he had engaged in sex with a child.

He had rationalized it in that he believed Cory had wanted it, that Cory and he had been destined to be together as more than teacher/coach and student. It was sick really and yet it wasn’t unusual. How many adults had she herself dealt with who had used that line and in some cases actually gotten away with it? Hell, she recalled the case not too many years back when a man charged with molesting a 6 year old had gotten a reprimand because the defence lawyer had made it seem like he was the victim not the girl. Even the appellate court had ruled that the child had instigated the sexual touching that had gone on but had also ruled that the adult had acted inappropriately. My God she thought, how can any adult believe such crap but there were three judges of experience who had. Still it was not common and for that she was grateful, but here once more was an adult claiming it really wasn’t his fault, that the child had initiated the conduct, that he had merely gone along out of some warped sense of love.

Maybe Myron was right, maybe she was getting too worn out by seeing all this happening and rarely seeing true justice done? How many times had she seen a father or mother have their kids taken away for abusing them and then 6 or 12 months later having to watch the courts order the kids returned? How often had she turned to the news to see one more battered and abused child being ignored until it was too late?

It was strange really to think that in this modern day and age, there was sexual abuse and then there was ‘real sexual’ abuse. The entire system sought and fought each and every time some girl was molested by an adult. The statistics showed that on the average, a pervert who touched or abused a female child received stiffer sentences than if it had been a male child. It was like going back in time to when a woman would claim rape and the courts were almost impossible to convince it happened, simply because the woman had worn a low cut dress or had been in a bar drinking alone. Today that same type of prejudice was being used against the boys and what really was worse about it was that it only led to greater crimes against those young innocent boys.

To her, Cooper Strathmore calmly went to sleep believing he had cleared himself of any wrong doing simply because he wrote a note explaining it. He believed himself free of guilt because he stood by while a mother and father were put through the wringer and eventually divorced because of it, but because he said he was sorry in his last final words that was okay. To her it simply wasn’t and she felt cheated out of seeing Justice being done.

Steve had noticed her mood and had told her to let it go, that there were other cases that needed her attention now that this one was solved but it wasn’t. If only Cooper had come forward or better, if only she had opened her own eyes and looked at him just as closely as she had looked at Cory’s father, maybe she wouldn’t be about to go to another boy’s funeral. Maybe, if she had simply done her own job the way it was supposed to be done, Justin Fisher would not have taken his own life either?

For her, there no longer was any doubt in her mind. The coroner’s report had implied as much but she knew now what the coroner didn’t. Justin Fisher had been abused, just as his older brother had been and he was old enough to understand it. He had chosen the path his older brother had tried simply because he didn’t know any different. Justin let himself die because he didn’t want to hurt his father or his mother even though the two of them weren’t worthy of his love or his caring.

It constantly amazed her how so many of those abused still loved and cherished the person or persons who had abused them. In some twisted way they actually believed it was their own fault. Even now Robbie Fisher blamed himself for not being a good enough son, even though he knew that there was nothing he could have done to change the way his parents had treated him or his brother. Still you could see it in his eyes at times, the way he still actually loved his parents even though he should have nothing but hate for them.

Maybe it was like the Rabbi had said. A bond existed between the parent and child that could never be truly broken. Yes, Robbie now knew he wasn’t to blame for what had happened to him but he couldn’t let himself hate his parents for what they had done either, simply because they were his parents. She shook her head a little feeling totally exhausted by all that had gone on the last few days.

How many times had people talked about the resiliency of youth, when in fact they really weren’t so resilient? In her mind there was no doubt that Justin Fisher welcomed his death, in fact he went to the only place he knew where he might be close to the only person who may have cared for him. She felt saddened by it and wondered when the supposed adults would face the reality; that kids were not resilient, that they hurt far more deeply than any adult supposed?

Her heart was heavy as she looked down at the case file on her desk. Granted a full investigation was now under way but it should never have come to this. It was her fault for not going that extra distance years ago. Now it was because of her that there could be untold numbers of children who had suffered at the hands of Walter and Sharon Fisher. God how was she ever going to get over this she wondered, sitting there fretting.

It had been her task to find the culprit, she hadn’t. It was really that simple and she had toyed with the idea of resignation but Myron had talked her out of it. God she loved him so much and the idea of spending the rest of her life with him was a Godsend really. If she didn’t have him, she doubted if she could make it through this ordeal. Her eyes grew a bit misty as she knew that the investigation would go quickly now.

Two more staff had been assigned to her and already they were making appointments with parents to interview several of Justin’s friends and classmates. Now that they knew what had gone on and how, they could ask the right questions. Still, as Steve had pointed out it was not going to be easy to get any of them to willingly co-operate. There was the natural stigma that they would be labelled ‘gay’, which would make many of them deny everything. It was what people like Walter and Sharon banked on and it made Debbie want to puke.

She had never been one to get involved in causes and to her the idea of same sex relations were part of her job but something she never could fathom. As she waited for Myron she realized that it was that apathy and that lack of knowledge that made her job so hard. If society would stop its stupid labels, maybe she could nail more of the bastards like Walter Fisher and his wife! Maybe if the world stopped pointing out differences in people that they didn’t comprehend, there might be less children walking around as ticking time bombs because of it!

To her, the right of two same sex persons to marry had been a non-issue, but she realized that that, right along with other rights, were essential if she and her colleagues were ever to have a chance at stopping the abuse of children. It wasn’t just about rights either she realized, but more of acceptance or even just plain tolerance. Adults preyed on the boys more than on girls for one very simple reason; they had society’s fears of homosexuality to help them keep their victims quiet, help them keep their secret. It was the one big advantage that the perverts had over her and her department. Society was the real co-conspirator in these cases but she knew she couldn’t do much about it, for now. Maybe Myron could in time, if things went his way, and somehow, she kind of thought they would.

Bobby

He stared at the mirror, trying once more to get the knot of his tie to look right. It was hard to do and he hated that he might have to call his dad to help because then he might see his tears. Damn it, he thought, why did you do it Justin? Why?

The pain he felt was unbelievable. Every part of his body seemed to hurt and ache in ways he had never felt before. There were moments when everything seemed fine then BAM he would find himself balling his eyes out like a baby. It just came on him and he hoped that at the Church he would be able to control it somehow. He didn’t want to have everyone see him crying, the guys would rib him no end if he did.

The way the news told things, Justin was either queer, like Robbie, which he knew wasn’t true or had been abused, which he knew to be true. The idea that it would be made so public like that made him angry and also frightened too. Bobby looked at his reflection, wondering if maybe he should say something, if maybe he should do something to set things right but he didn’t know who to go to.

After the news report last night he had tried to talk to his father but he just couldn’t. He doubted if his dad even understood what bum fucking was or anything like that but Bobby knew he couldn’t just stay quiet. Maybe after the funeral he could sneak over to see Robbie at Joel’s place? He could ask Robbie maybe, but then maybe this wasn’t the time? Hell, he wished he knew what to do or who to talk to, maybe he wouldn’t feel like such a complete ass or coward?

Trouble too was that if he did tell someone, what then? Would his name be all over the television too, along with Justin and Robbie’s? God he doubted if his mom would handle that kind of crap, sure as hell would piss his dad off too. Then what about his girlfriend? God, she’d dump him in a flash if it ever came out and why should it though? Maybe he should just keep quiet like he decided last night. The way his father talked about gays last night after the news only convinced him more than ever not to bring it up.

Even his mother had seemed angry, too. The way she had agreed with his dad when he said that he’d be damned if he’d agree to let queers marry. When they cleaned up their act maybe then they would deserve some consideration, but when they went around hurting innocent boy’s like Justin Fisher to get off on, they didn’t deserve any rights. Trouble with his dad’s tirade was that he doubted if Walt Fisher was gay. The way Justin had explained it and had been, he was fairly certain that old man Fisher was just a perv, some control freak. In his own mind he really figured it didn’t matter to Walt Fisher if Justin had been a boy or girl, he would have given his lessons no matter what and yet he doubted if his father would see it that way.

As he tried once more to get the knot right, he felt puzzled by all his parents had said last night and all that had been said in the news. Robbie didn’t look or act any different than he had last year, when no one knew he was gay. He still didn’t act like some girl or anything and that Josh sure as hell didn’t act frilly either. Man he could sure body check and no sissy could do that, could they? So he just couldn’t get it, what was it that made them less of a guy than any other? His father told him that it was because of the disgusting way they used their bodies, that their sex was crude and just plain dirty, but that wasn’t quite right. How many times had he seen those couple of porn movies where the guy did the girl up the ass? Wasn’t that the same as what guys did?

His mother told him that gays were not normal because it was unnatural for two men to have sexual relations. Bobby tried to understand that but if it weren’t natural, how come so many were that way? Why did so many other’s even say that it was natural and they were the one’s who were wrong? It really was confusing to him because he didn’t see Robbie being any different than he had been when they first met. Robbie was Robbie and so he liked different sex, how did that make him into being a bad person? Okay maybe there was that religious stuff but Joel’s father was a priest or something. He didn’t see anything in the Bible about it being wrong.

Nothing really made sense to him. Justin was gone and he felt like shit ever since and now all this on top of it. He could hear some of the guys, how they would make cracks or something. Somehow he knew that this year would not be an easy one and that he would do more than his share of fighting. His father already wasn’t too happy about him practising with Joel and if he knew that Robbie and Josh would be around too, man he’d flip out big time. Still, he liked Joel, and he knew how Justin really felt about Robbie, so how could he just ignore that?

He felt the tears starting again as he thought about his best friend. Bobby wondered if there really was a God, if he really existed or not because he wanted to know if Justin were at least being looked after. Somehow in his heart he kind of figured he was okay now, that he wouldn’t be so worried about stuff. At least he hoped it was that way but he wasn’t sure, which kind of troubled him. If there really was a God, why had he let all that happen to Justin? Had Justin done something to make God angry at him so that when he was in trouble God didn’t try to help?

Maybe it wasn’t Justin who had screwed up, maybe he was the one who got punished because of Robbie? That idea made him feel a bit angry because he doubted if Robbie could be something he wasn’t. There was something in Robbie that made you like him, made you see that he was real and not a phoney. All last year Bobby could see the way Robbie kept everyone feeling good, the way he would make a guy feel okay for flupping a pass or something. Last year everyone adored Robbie, called him not just a great basketball player but a nice guy. Now they all called him faggot or fruit or queer. It didn’t make sense to him as he let his hands fall to his side, the knot still askew.

The knock on his door startled him a bit as he quickly wiped the tears from his face and turned to see his father opening the door and walking in. He looked different, almost as if he were afraid of something. Weird how he looked and it made Bobby stand still, holding his breath.

“What’s up Dad? It isn’t time to go yet is it?”

Bobby’s father looked everywhere but at his son. He hated to have to discuss this with him specially today of all days. Damn those government bureaucrats, they had no feelings it seemed, just go by the book and to hell with everyone else. He had half a mind to go out and call that bitch back and tell her no way would he allow his son to talk to them. Still, she had made a good case for needing to talk to Bobby but she had to be wrong, there was no way that Bobby could help their investigation. If there was anything that he knew, he knew his son would have already told at least him or his wife. They were just fishing, he was sure of that, still that autopsy report had been pretty specific.

“Uh no, we got a few minutes…”

“Can you help me with this knot? I can’t get it right.”

“Sure, uh Bobby…”

“Yeah?”

The way his son looked at him was enough to make him tremble. Those eyes, deep brown eyes, just staring at him were almost too much. He could see that his boy was feeling the loss of his best friend deeply but it troubled him. Why was Bobby so emotional about it, and worse he was hanging around that Jewish kid, the brother to the queer one. Both he and his wife had spent long hours talking about it last night, wondering if they shouldn’t maybe restrict him but they knew he wouldn’t listen. He was determined, which in some ways made him feel proud of the boy, still it was risky. Hell, he knew what it was like at school, some of the others might start lumping him in with those Jewish boys and he didn’t want to see his boy get hurt anymore than he already was.

He really hated this whole mess. It bothered him that his son was so upset, almost in tears really and there wasn’t anything he could do to help him. Death was never easy to deal with and when it was someone so young, it was even harder. God, how poor Justin’s parents must be feeling right now was unimaginable to him. He doubted if he would even be able to talk, let alone stand up, if something had happened to Bobby. Thank God he was safe but still, the way he was taking this troubled him in the back of his mind. He didn’t know why, but it kept nagging at him as he moved over to his son’s bed and sat down, finally turning to look at him.

“Look, uh, come sit down for a second okay?”

He knew the instant his dad had come in that something was wrong. Seeing him go over and sit down on the bed only clinched it for him. It was what his parents always did when they had something bad to tell him or when they were going to set down some stupid rule or something. His heart ached and he wished that for just once his dad could let whatever it was go until later. There was just too much for him to think about right now.

“Huh? Sure, what’s wrong? You look kind of out of it.”

For a moment he thought he saw something in his son’s face that scared him. It was almost as if his son were disgusted at him or angry at him for something. So much anger these days he thought as he stared at the tall son he had raised. To think that it could be his own son lying in some coffin was a thought that made him tremble. What ever was troubling Bobby would eventually come out but for now he had to prepare him for more grief. His own anger rose up as he tried to figure out how to tell Bobby that there was more pain to come?

“I uh, your mother and I that is… well uh, there was a call from Social Service son.”

“Oh? What did they want?”

It was like watching a traffic light or something. Suddenly the red light was on and his son no longer looked so vulnerable. A mask had fallen over him and his eyes no longer shone or sparkled. The opening to his feelings was suddenly shut closed, which made him pause for a second. If he were the suspicious type, he’d say his son was trying to hide something but there was no way Bobby knew anything. He had nothing to fear from meeting with Social Services and yet once more the nagging doubts crept in. Something just wasn’t right with Bobby.

“They wanted to make an appointment to interview you.”

For a minute or two he felt a strange sense of panic. His eyes bulged out a little despite his best efforts to keep calm. He could feel the sweat beading up in the centre of his palms and he wiped them on his pants. Bobby kept his head down and he could hear his heart thundering as he tried to master the sudden sense of panic that was sweeping through his body. His legs twitched and one hand began a nervous tattoo on his thigh.

“Me? What for? I didn’t do anything. If this is about that stuff at that Jewish church, I had nothing to do with it Dad…”

“No, no it isn’t about that and I uh, I know you didn’t have anything to do with that.”

“So, what then?”

“It is about Justin, son.”

They know he thought as he stared at his father. They have to know but did they tell his parents? Wait he thought, how could they know? Only Justin knew and he didn’t tell a soul and there was no way Walter told anyone, so how could they know? He felt a bit better as he tried to figure it out and he wished he could just tell his Dad.

Bobby looked up and over towards his father. He had yet to move to the bed and was glad now that he had stayed by the mirror. He couldn’t stand it if he had to be that close, afraid his father might be able to figure it out, if he were. Still, the way he was looking at him had him frightened. If he knew, why didn’t he just say so? Why was he doing this? Maybe he didn’t know, maybe he was trying to bluff him into saying something?

“Justin? I wasn’t with him that weekend… you know that.”

“Yes I know, that. Uh, isn’t what they want to ask you about son.”

“I don’t…”

“Bobby, look, uh, they know Justin was sexually uh… he was…”

“So? What, they think I did it?”

There was terror in his son’s face and he hated himself for having to put him through all this right now. Wasn’t it bad enough that his best friend had died that way and now all this other stuff? Why the hell couldn’t they have just left the poor kid alone? Now the media was all over it and the talk about him being sexually assaulted or worse, willingly doing that stuff, was almost too much for him. He couldn’t understand what made kids do stupid things, perhaps it was a phase or something or maybe it was just not enough discipline at home, but something was making these kids crazy. He just prayed and hoped it hadn’t touched his own son.

“No… Of course not… uh… I mean uh… you and Justin were good friends, and uh…”

He could see it in his father’s eyes. They were looking everywhere but at him. His dad thought Justin was queer like Robbie or maybe it was worse than that? Bobby looked at his father and felt the pain inside growing. The panic seemed to have subsided a little as the anger took hold instead. No one understood or at least not many did. He kind of thought that Rabbi fellow did, least the way he had spoken in the real interview on VI, but it had only gotten people angrier it seemed. Just looking at his father he could see it happening there too and he was afraid of that.

“Justin wasn’t a fag dad… he wasn’t, I would have known if he were.”

“I am sure, it is just that well sometimes you may think one thing, but the uh opposite can be true, I mean…”

“I know he wasn’t Dad, Justin and I were best friends, I know damn well he wasn’t.”

The way his son spoke made him finally look at him again. There was a deep anger in his eyes but there was also something else. He could see the redness around the eyes and he knew Bobby had been crying which didn’t really surprise him. What did was the way his son would look, whenever he mentioned Justin’s name. It was something he wasn’t sure of, but it reminded him of how his wife would look when she was in one of her moods, one of those romantic type moods and talking about things that made her feel, well, romantic. Could his son have such thoughts about another boy?

God, the idea that maybe Justin had been gay and that he and, but no, he would have known if his boy were gay. He would have seen some sign of it, and besides, Bobby had never played with dolls or done other woman stuff like take cooking or stuff like that. How could he be that way and he quickly shook the thought out of his mind, yet it wouldn’t go totally away. It lingered and nagged at him as he tried to press a bit, knowing that he should maybe just leave it alone.

“I know, but he didn’t tell you everything now did he? I mean he…”

“He told me everything, uh… I can’t… do I have to talk to them?”

“Yes you do…”

The way Bobby held his head and the hand tapping at his legs had distracted him at first but now it was burning a hole in his head. If Justin had hidden nothing from Bobby that would mean Bobby knew. It couldn’t be, he had to have mistaken what he said, but he could hear those words again and he knew in the pit of his stomach that he should have stopped this long ago.

His son stood there, defiant almost as his eyes sparked but not with anything he recognized. It was like looking at a stranger, which made him cringe a little. The colour had long since drained from his face as he sat there just staring at his boy, his mouth open. How could Bobby know and not have said anything to him? Had he been that bad of a father that his own son couldn’t trust him?

The sound of his stomach gurgling only added to his discomfort as he tried to piece it together. Surely he wouldn’t keep something like that hidden, unless… but no, there was no way he was involved in something so repulsive as that; he couldn’t be, not his son. Yet even as he tried to collect himself, he felt the tightness grow around his heart as he prayed for divine intervention. He was feeling totally lost and he even took a quick look at the doorway to see if maybe his wife were there, but she wasn’t. If this were hard for him it would have been doubly hard(omit-er) for her.

“…What do you mean he told you everything? Bobby…”

“Nothing.”

“Bobby!”

The instant he had said it he knew he had goofed. Bobby could see it in his father’s sudden change in tone and the way his hands seemed to just dig into his bed. The knuckles were totally white to match the colour of his face and his heart felt sick. How could he have been so stupid to say that? It was like he wanted to give it up but looking at his father, he felt a strange unease. This wasn’t something you talked about with him; he wasn’t the type to understand these things.

“Nothing, okay, let’s just leave it, I don’t know anything.”

His son was lying, that he was certain of but why? What was it that had him willing to lie to him? That nagging thought was back again and as he tried to remain calm, his heart was racing like a runaway train. Could Bobby be a part of whatever it was that Justin had been into? They were close, maybe too close for teenagers their age but still, his son had a good head, didn’t he? Could he be swayed to do things he didn’t want to? Was he that weak? Was he maybe just imagining all this and maybe Bobby only wanted to think that Justin told him everything? That could be it or could it?

“Son if you know who did those horrible things to him, you have to tell, you owe it to Justin, Bobby…. was it … was it Robbie?”

“Robbie? No way…. Robbie loved Justin, he would never hurt him.”

It had to be true that his son was that way, the way he said how Robbie loved Justin, only one of them would dare to speak like that, wouldn’t they? The idea that his boy was queer was almost too much. He felt the bile rising up in his throat as he tried to collect himself. He couldn’t show him panic, which would only make it worse. Somehow he had to find out for sure; somehow he had to get a straight answer out of him before this got any worse. My God, what would his wife do if it were true? What would their friends say or worse, what would Bobby’s friends do? They had already shown what they thought about it when some of them had vandalized that Jewish church, what would they do to one of their own?

“Then… Bobby You uh, I mean…”

He knew what his father was going to ask him before he even could get to the beginning of it. Bobby could see it in his eyes, the absolute terror that shone out at him. In some ways he felt relieved that at last it was going to come out but as he looked into his father’s face he saw something other than terror. Looking deeper he could see revulsion and he stepped back a little, feeling once more the shame that he had kept secret for so long, sharing it only with one person who had made him promise. He couldn’t go back on that promise, not now.

Just seeing the way his face was turning different shades of white and then red only convinced him more that he could never tell him, never let him know anything that Justin had shared with him. He just wouldn’t understand and worse, he wouldn’t let him forget it either. Things would change between them, which he didn’t want either. Justin had been right, parents just didn’t understand how it was for them.

“No I am not that way, see? I can’t tell you anything, look, Justin was my best friend, I promised him, okay?”

It was impossible for him to comprehend but somehow Bobby knew about whatever it was that Justin had been into. Obviously the paper was right; Justin wasn’t perhaps an abused boy but a willing participant, which made him wonder even more now about Robbie and that Jewish boy. There was no way he would let Bobby go there now, not after knowing this. How could his son not have told him? If Justin hadn’t been willing, then how could Bobby protect some animal like that? No, it couldn’t be, but as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he was becoming convinced that his son was perhaps that way. He felt sick to his stomach as he tried to figure it out, tried to fathom how his own flesh and blood could have turned out so wrong.

As much as the evidence seemed to be telling him that Bobby and Justin might have been willing, he just couldn’t believe it. It had to be the way that social service lady had said, that some sicko had gotten hold of Justin and maybe Bobby? Could that be it? Jesus Christ he thought, if some faggot had dared touch his boy, he would kill him, courts be damned, he’d have his way with the no good bastard. That had to be it, Bobby either knew who it was or worse, had been subjected to it too. God almighty what kind of sick world was this? Even his kid wasn’t safe? Was any kid safe?

“I didn’t… damn it Bobby, if you know who did it, who that sick perverted queer is, you have to tell. I don’t care if you did promise Justin, you can’t let the sick bastard get away with it, you have to tell Bobby.”

It wasn’t the anger that made him flinch but the way his father said the word ‘queer’. In some ways it was no different than the way Neil or some of the others had said it when talking about Robbie. How could he tell him about what happened, if he felt this way? He didn’t want his own father thinking of him that way, hating him, which he knew now he would. He had to keep his word to Justin but he couldn’t just let his father think it was someone like Robbie. He couldn’t, even though he knew that he probably should say nothing, letting his father think what he liked.

“He isn’t queer dad, least I am pretty sure he isn’t.”

The fear was too much for him. He jumped up and stared at his son, knowing for certain that Bobby knew. How could he look himself in the mirror knowing who had hurt his best friend? What kind of son had he brought into this world? Then it dawned on him that maybe Justin wasn’t the only one who had suffered at the hands of some sick bastard. His fear was too real and as he tried to breath regularly he could smell that fear inside. Sweat poured from his forehead as his heart thundered loudly in absolute terror. He reached out to grab his son by the shoulders, forcing him to look at him.

“He isn’t? You do know? My God Bobby… how could you… did that sick creep touch you? TELL ME!”

The sudden grab at him frightened him. He felt his father’s fingers digging into the flesh of his shoulders and he winced from it. His body trembled as he heard his father’s voice rise up and turn into a shrill sound. He twisted out of his grasp, frightened at the sudden change in his dad. Bobby stepped back a step or two, enough to be out of arm’s reach as he looked at the wild eyed face of his father. Fear ripped into his young heart as he backed away even further.

“NO! Leave me alone.”

The sudden pulling away from him startled him and he saw the fear written across Bobby’s face. He felt a panic inside and also a remorse. He didn’t know which way to turn, his own fears were running rampant inside but the look of fear on his boy’s face was more powerful than his own. He counted slowly in his head to ten, trying desperately to make his son understand. His eyes peered hard at Bobby but all he saw was total and complete fear, which scared him more. He could see that Bobby was afraid of him, not some stranger, but him.

“Bobby… I am sorry… son, please… you have to trust me, please.”

“Leave me alone… please…”

“Son you can’t… I am sorry, but you have to tell me… you are my son God Damn It! I only want to help, to protect you… please Bobby…”

He’d never understand, none of them would. He couldn’t let anyone know, not now. If his own father couldn’t understand how could his friends? There was no way out for him, as he backed away once more. The anger in his father’s face was gone but he knew it was still there. He might not see it now, but he could still feel it. The way his dad was clenching his hands at his side, the way he was looking so hard at him, it was there and he felt so alone, so scared.

“I am fine, no one did anything, okay? Leave me alone…”

In his mind he felt relief at the words and yet now that nagging voice was even louder. His mind wanted to believe his son but in his heart he knew it was a lie. The problem was he didn’t know which to believe now, the calm rational mind telling him there wasn’t a problem or his heart, that told him his son was in danger? He had to calm the boy down and maybe more than that, he had to calm himself down. Deep down he knew if he ever found out the truth, found out who hurt his little boy, he’d kill them. He didn’t care for living, if he couldn’t get the sick bastard and yet even as the thoughts of rage and murder flew inside, he also wondered how his son could have let someone do that to him?

He searched his brain for memories of Bobby coming home with bruises or something but there had been nothing like that for such a long time. How could he have let someone do that without putting up a fight? Why hadn’t he at least shown some signs of struggling to stop such an attack on him? He could understand him being scared by it, but to not fight it? To not have struck out? Hell Bobby wasn’t a 98-pound weakling; he was a strong tough boy, so why didn’t he fight that sick bastard? What did that asshole have that made his boy surrender his dignity to such an attack?

“Bobby… please… I am your father…”

Bobby could see it in his father’s eyes. There was shame written all over them and even deep down inside he didn’t really blame his father for feeling that way. How could he have let it happen, he asked himself, knowing that he didn’t have the answer. His own shame rose up as he turned away from his father, looking down at his feet and feeling so very dirty, so very frightened.

“Nothing Happened! Why don’t you believe me… leave me alone!”

“I do believe you, honestly I do… but you…”

“No… uh, please dad, just let me get through today okay? Please… can’t we just, I mean… please…”

“Son, look, you can’t hide this stuff, if Justin told you who was doing those things to him, you have to tell, please, you know he would want you to, can’t you see that if you don’t this pervert will just keep on doing it?”

“Don’t you think I know that?”

His son’s voice was so pained that it made his heart ache. He could hear the desperation in it and yet he had to know, he had to find out. This wasn’t how he had raised his son but something had changed. Somehow the boy he thought he knew, wasn’t. His mind still couldn’t understand why Bobby had let it happen to him even though he denied it. Inside he knew it was a lie, but for now he had to let it rest. Instead he had to know who this sick creep was as the urge for vengeance grew stronger than the shame he was feeling.

“Then why? For God’s sake Bobby, why won’t you tell?”

“I can’t… I promised, please, just drop it Dad.”

“No, now you have to tell me, who was it?”

His father was trying to be firm and all but the tightness in his voice only made Bobby step back again. He could see the anger in his dad’s face knowing it was directed at him. There was no doubt that his dad knew about him now and he had failed. All he had left was that promise to Justin and he had to keep that, it was all he had left of his best friend. Maybe he had lost whatever he had here with his parents and he knew his mother would freak even more, but he couldn’t change that. All he could do was keep the one last tie to his best friend, a promise that now meant more than anything to him. Justin kept his secret; he owed it to Justin to keep his.

“I don’t know anything, no one can say different either. If you go telling those social services people I know something, I won’t tell them. I’ll say you lied or something, I won’t tell them. I mean it… I won’t tell them… I won’t.”

The heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach was making the acid burn along the lining of his throat. It was a struggle not to throw up as he heard his son’s angry and defiant voice. There really wasn’t any doubt that Bobby knew something but exactly what he still felt uncertain. His mind was hanging on to the hope that nothing had happened to Bobby, but his heart knew different. He refused to listen to it, instead letting the anger control him. Still a sense of shame was there too which he couldn’t quite shake. How could his son be involved in this? If what he thought weren’t quite true, it would mean his own son was one of those, why else would he not have said anything? He just couldn’t accept that so he tried to ignore the nagging voices that seemed to just grow stronger.

“Okay, look, this isn’t the right time for this, you are upset, its not an easy day Bobby. I’ll uh, I’ll tell them it’ll have to be later, okay? We can talk about this after uh, after you get yourself together.”

Listening to his father, Bobby finally understood why Justin hadn’t come to him or anyone else. At last he finally understood why Justin had gone to Robbie’s apartment. He wasn’t looking for help but was looking to be with the only person who would understand. Bobby knew now why Justin had given up and the anger he had felt towards Justin was suddenly gone. He finally got it and the tears were there, waiting for their chance.

Bobby stared at his father and understood it all now. His heart was heavy but the pain was just a little bit less intense because he finally got it. He didn’t hate Justin now for leaving him, instead he wished he could join him as he stared blankly at his father, his voice soft but no longer trembling with fear or anger.

“I am together Dad, more than you know.”

“Bobby… we’ll discuss this later.”

“I won’t change my mind.”

The sudden change in his son’s voice and stance brought his head up. There was something suddenly different about Bobby that was more frightening to him than the possibility that he had been a participant in whatever it was that Justin had been into. He no longer feared that but this new threat was as yet uncertain but far more worrying to his heart. He could feel the fear now, taste it even as he tried to comfort his son.

Somehow it all just didn’t seem to be working like it should. He always thought he and Bobby had a good relationship. Sure there had been troubles but nothing like this, never anything this serious; but what wasn’t said was what was eating at him. He didn’t think he was a mean person or harsh father, but right now all he could think about was how he’d like to see all those queers roast in Hell. It wasn’t rational but then how could any rational person do that to a mere child? The bile in his throat was once more eating at him as he tried to piece it all together in his mind, knowing he was far from knowing the truth.

“We’ll see son, right now well, like you said, let us just get

through today.”

“Fine.”

He watched the door close and his father was gone. His heart continued to pound inside his chest as he stared at the closed door wondering what would happen next? He had made his promise to Justin and once more he silently vowed that this he would keep, no matter what. The pain in his chest was still there as he turned back to the mirror and saw his own white face. Tears were rolling down it now as he sobbed missing his friend, understanding at last the pain that Justin had lived with. They had rarely talked much about it, he had made his promise and Justin his, but now he understood.

“I won’t let you down this time, Justy.”