Chapter 51

Pastor Johnson

Nothing seemed so simple these days, he thought, as he sat once more at the breakfast table, sipping tepid coffee in an effort to figure out why he just couldn’t sleep anymore. Life used to be simple for him, very plain and very black and white, until now. In some ways he knew it had to do with the whole Fisher debacle, which made him angry, but he also felt a twinge of animosity towards the Rabbi too. He couldn’t shake the feeling that in some ways he wished he had the Rabbi’s courage and yet in other ways it absolutely terrified him.

Sighing a little he stared out the kitchen window to glance at the morning light. He enjoyed seeing the changing shadows disappear, almost as if it were his own dark thoughts gradually being chased away and yet deep down inside he knew they were still there, lurking and waiting for their next opportunity to rise up and torment him. His face grew sombre as he realized that he kept avoiding them, kept them at bay because he just didn’t believe he had the strength to battle them.

Some pastor he thought, as he realized he was too afraid to face his own fears. Every Sunday he would tell his parishioners to do the right thing, to listen to the wisdom found in their souls, and here he was, tip toeing around, not doing that very thing himself. He should never have let Sharon & Walter get their way, he should have stood up to them, as he knew he should, but he hadn’t. Oh he had the excuses down pat too; after all if he refused them they would just find someone who would agree. In his heart he knew that wasn’t so easy as he made it out to be but it gave him an excuse for giving in to their demands. He used the excuse that they were merely blinded by their grief but that was just another excuse.

Staring out at the growing sunshine didn’t ease his discomfort but only made him shiver a little. He knew that the sun couldn’t hide his fears but was only bringing them closer to the surface. He knew that he had failed the Fisher’s somehow and even though Tommy thought he had the solution, in his heart Pastor Johnson knew it was no answer. It was only subterfuge and after listening to the two reports on VI News the last few nights, he knew there had been enough secrets, enough hidden facts.

Maybe if it had been a child of his, he would have acted differently, but in his heart he doubted that. He couldn’t explain why, but he knew that he just didn’t have the strength inside to fight public opinion the way the Rabbi had. Hell, the man had stood up to it and risked his job, in fact it appeared like he would lose his position because of his actions, which only made Pastor Johnson marvel more at the man’s strength. He didn’t think he could ever stand up to such pressure but then he had never tried either.

Everything was so confusing to him and as he stared down at the coffee cup in his hand he knew that it really wasn’t all that complex or mysterious. It was simply a matter of choice really, of choosing to follow what you knew inside was right or of choosing to take the path of least opposition. It had been a trademark of his really, to go with the flow as the kids said, but where had that gotten him? It sure as hell hadn’t helped him sleep these last few nights but would doing what was right have made it any easier?

Could he have put his own future at jeopardy like the Rabbi had? He liked to think that you had to pick your battles and that if you couldn’t win, you had to back off to fight another day but somehow that just didn’t seem to be right. Maybe if you were a general of an army it might, but what about if you were responsible for a person’s eternal soul? Could you back off and hope that later you could save it? The problem was that seldom did you have that luxury of choosing your fights. Life had a way of throwing up things that you just couldn’t plan for, such as this whole mess with the Fisher’s.

In his heart he knew he should have told Sharon and Walter that Robbie deserved to be there and that if he needed the presence of the Goldbergs to help him get through it, then he should be able to have them there. He knew he should have accepted their bluff to get someone else but he hadn’t. That was what was eating at him, because he knew he was wrong. Even his grateful acceptance of Tommy’s solution was wrong, as it only reinforced the subterfuge, the shame.

What was it that Mrs. Goldberg had said to him? He sat there thinking as it slowly came back to him. She had asked him would he have given in to the Fisher demand if Robbie’s suicide had been for some other reason than him being gay? He didn’t quite understand her question really but all night long he had tossed and turned wondering about it. Would he have been so quick to give in to them if Robbie had say, robbed a store? Would he have accepted their decision so easily if perhaps Robbie had been involved in drugs?

Her words had been hard enough but her look had made him squirm in a way that had brought anger to his face then and remorse to his heart now. She had called him on it and he knew it then but had once again refused to face his own doubts, his own fears. She was right, would he have given in so easy? He knew in his heart that the answer was no. No he would have fought with the Fisher’s if Robbie’s actions had been for any other reason than being gay.

Looking back on it, he knew that his whole reticence was due to that one simple fact that Robbie Fisher admitted to being gay. Yes, as a Man of God he was supposed to condemn such behaviour, or was he? There was a growing trend in his own church to recognize gay marriages and gay unions, to even accept that being ‘gay’ was no less an Act of God than any other differences found in HIS children.

If he were honest with himself, he would have to say that a lot of what was once doctrine was just guesses. For how many centuries had the Christian faith persecuted Jews claiming they had crucified Christ, when it was clearly not true? Yet, despite all that his faith had done, the Jews still survived and flourished even. They never gave in and as the young Goldberg had pointed out to him, Christ had been a Jew. How could you condemn a race for eternal damnation if the Saviour himself was one of them?

Maybe what was worse for him was that he just couldn’t believe that his Lord was a vengeful, spiteful God. How could HE be that and still profess love for all? Whether being ‘gay’ was a choice or not, it should not automatically deny him the same rights as any other human, should it? Maybe in society basic rights were based on colour of skin, race, religion, or even income but surely not in God’s kingdom? In his heart he knew that all these questions had simple answers but he was afraid of them. If he really looked for them, he knew he would have to act and staring down at the newspaper this morning, he felt the fear of that.

There was Cooper Strathmore’s face staring at him, a victim of suicide by gas and yet instead of choosing a picture that reflected the man, they showed his harassed face coming from a gruelling meeting with the Crown from last year’s mistaken case of child abuse. Still, now everyone was wondering if perhaps the mistake had been in accepting the recanted story of the young boy? For the life of him he couldn’t even remember the poor boy’s name, still it rankled inside as he stared at the paper. Even the newspaper was now wondering if there hadn’t been a cover up, which is one of the speculated reasons being touted for Cooper’s suicide.

How sad he thought about it all and naturally the Fisher case was not to be denied its place on the front page. Last night’s television had revealed that Justin Fisher had died from a ruptured artery in his intestine, and that it did not appear to have been caused by any accident of falling off a motorcycle. Instead the coroner’s report indicated that it might have been caused by an unusually rough penetration into the deceased’s rectum by a large object. The sordid details of the report further concluded that Justin Fisher had been engaged in anal intercourse for some time, determined by the many scars present in his rectum lining.

The Coroner had concluded that death by accident could be possible but that other factors could have played a role. There was no way to determine with any legal certainty if the forceful anal penetration had been by choice or against the boy’s will. The report further stated that the rough penetration might have merely aggravated an existing anal tear or that even the possible accident had created circumstances ripe for such a tear or rip. The report then went on to list many other dry details, concluding that Justin Fisher died under mysterious circumstances, ordering a full enquiry into the facts.

The news hadn’t gone much beyond that but it certainly had led to some wild speculation on his part. He could just imagine what others must now be thinking and he didn’t have far to go to know which way it would go. Just looking at the double headline paper showed him just how sick the world had become. Even on this day, when his family would lay poor Justin to rest, the local paper had splashed the autopsy report all over the front page, right next to poor Cooper’s unattractive photo. The cross headline asking a simple question, if Cooper’s death and Justin’s were somehow related.

Staring at the headline he wondered what must be going through Sharon and Walter’s minds this moment? What about Robbie and the Goldbergs? The paper had, through its careful manipulation of the facts, wondered who had been at the Fisher cabin with Justin? Had Joshua or Joel Goldberg sneaked up to pass on a message from Robbie? Had Cooper Strathmore been involved and been a visitor? Was the Fisher cabin a place for wild sex parties that ultimately led to Justin’s demise? All of these and more were touted as possible scenario’s that were being investigated, even though the police had no comment. The paper continued its lurid recounting and tried to make its wild speculation as fact. There were even questions about cover-ups from the school too, given that Cooper had just committed suicide and the released details of Justin’s sexual activity. They even hinted that there could be more revelations as the police investigation widened.

It was like a feeding frenzy to him. He felt disgusted even as he continued to read the lurid details. They were even calling for DNA testing to determine who might have been the last person Justin had sexual relations with. Naturally the implication being that it might have been one of the Goldberg boys. For some reason they were leaning towards the younger boy rather than Joshua. He felt sick to his stomach as he remembered how earnest Joel Goldberg had been. Now his whole life was tainted and perhaps even at risk because some newspaper wanted a bigger circulation.

He pushed the paper aside, scattering it across the table as he realized how angry it made him. Not because of the idle speculation or innuendo that each headline screamed out but at his own inaction, his own complicity really in fostering the misbelieves stated by the paper and news reports. He had failed in his mission to do God’s work and as he sat there, he knew now what had been troubling him. It wasn’t that he had made an error in judgement; it was that he had judged rather than show compassion. It was that he had taken a road of compromise that included compromising God’s own love.

Even after hearing the report last night he had failed in his mission in life, to give comfort and compassion to those in need. When Robbie Fisher had phoned after the report to calmly decline his grandfather’s request, instead of supporting him he had argued against it. He had told Robbie that he would best serve his brother’s memory by at least accepting his grandfather’s solution or else in not attending the services. He had pleaded even and the sound of his own whining voice now irritated him as he could hear it all once more. How could he have been so callous, so thoughtless when all Robbie wanted to do was pay his last respects to his brother? How could he have told him that there was no shame in hiding, when in reality he knew in his heart that there was?

Deke sat back in the chair and stared blankly ahead. He could feel that voice inside him once more rising up, and this time he let it be heard. This time he forced his mind to at least listen to it and as he did, he wondered if perhaps there was not still time for him to do what he had always told others to do? Could he have that kind of courage or not? He didn’t know but as he listened to that voice he felt a strange warmth and comfort inside. It was almost like he was being soothed by the voice instead of riled by it. His mind was all aflutter but it didn’t seem to matter.

As his wife walked into the kitchen, he looked up at her and smiled. It seemed to startle her a little but he just grinned a little more as she began to prepare some breakfast. He could see that she was worried for him as she glanced at the strewn papers on the table. He could tell that she wanted to say something but he didn’t give her a chance as he reached for the telephone on the wall, making conversation difficult.

“Deke it’s awfully early to be calling anyone.”

“Actually no, it is actually rather late, I hope not too late though…”

Arthur Keats

The 58-year-old principle of Mount Douglas slammed the paper on his breakfast table, scattering the dishes and even causing his coffee to spill out. How dare they he thought with indignant outrage as he had read the wild speculation about his school and about Cooper. Damn them he thought as he wondered if he could sue the paper for their report?

It wasn’t fair to have all this laid at his feet. He hadn’t done anything wrong and as far as he knew, he and his entire staff had co-operated fully with the police last year and now this time too. How could the paper imply that he and his teachers were covering up anything? There was nothing to cover up. The kid last year had recanted his claim of sexual abuse. It was just some 15 year old kid upset at not making the team, simple enough; so now, because Cooper had taken his life and Justin Fisher turned out to be gay like his brother, they figured his school was the centre of some damn breeding ground for homosexuals and other deviants or something.

The news that his friend and colleague had killed himself by going to sleep with the gas on had been a shock. At first he had tried to not accept it, telling the police it had to be an accident but when they said they had a suicide note, well what could he do? It still didn’t make sense and the police were no help what so ever. They wouldn’t tell him anything as they had come to seal his office and take away all of his files. It would play havoc for some time until they got the files back too, but he had complied with them. So how could the paper say he was being unco-operative? That was a lie and they should be sued for it but he knew he wouldn’t even call a lawyer.

The idea that his school was involved in some perverted sex club or such was preposterous. His school was a fine one and while he was certain none of his students were exactly angels or virgins, he doubted they were involved in some sex trade or other abnormalities like gay sex. Hell, he still didn’t believe that Robbie was gay, instead thinking he was just a normal confused teenager who had gotten mixed up with a wrong crowd. Now the papers were saying his brother was one of them too? For the life of him he didn’t understand all this gay stuff but whatever had happened to Justin Fisher it had been off school property. That he was at least thankful for, as he tried to imagine what poor Walter and Sharon must be going through with all this publicity.

He pushed the paper aside, vowing that he would cancel his subscription but knowing he wouldn’t follow through on it. He liked to read the paper in the morning but still; he should at least threaten them with it or something. It just wasn’t right the way they implied that he and his school had covered up anything. They had co-operated fully and yes, in last year’s case it was alleged that some files had gone missing, but that was normal. After al,l they had so many reports to file and prepare, teachers were always behind in turning them in or forgetting to even do them. They were busy preparing study plans and grading papers or such, well that was the line he used but still, it wasn’t fair to claim that he was derelict in doing his job. He had a large staff and students to deal with, he couldn’t be responsible for insuring every little report was filed or kept in place.

Arthur sighed as he got up and decided that he would dress early and head over to the Fisher home. Walt and Sharon could do with some friendly company he thought and then he could follow them to the funeral. He knew it would be a well attended one because Justin had been a popular student. Everyone had liked him and he never heard anyone say a bad thing about him. To have his memory sullied by some stupid report and innuendo was disgusting and he hoped that once things settled down, that Walter would sue the media for all those horrible things they were saying. To think that Justin had voluntarily let someone penetrate his rectum was impossible. He knew the boy and knew how much he liked girls. It was usually because of girls that he would get into those little scrapes so that report had to be wrong.

Walter Fisher

The constant ringing of the telephone was irritating to say the least. All those reporters calling and even the others, too. It was like a bunch of vultures he thought as he once more rose to answer the phone. He just couldn’t believe it and he had to admit that he was in shock. To think that his poor Justin was being compared to his brother was not only insulting but a damn lie.

He had called his lawyer last night, or at least left him a message, demanding he get a retraction from that horrible television station VI. How they could even suggest that Justin was one of them was just too disgusting. He even had called again earlier this morning just after the first calls had begun. Didn’t those parasites understand that today was Justin’s funeral? Somehow it didn’t matter to them as they hounded him and he felt the anger inside growing as he snatched up the phone, snarling into it. He was taken aback by the female voice that asked him to hold for Stanley Karmon, his lawyer.

As he waited for Stanley, he hoped he would have good news. It was important in his mind that Stanley get the record cleared up and that Justin’s name not be sullied by that damn coroner’s report. He had a sneaking hunch that somehow that Rabbi had something to do with it. He had listened to the coroner’s name and both he and Sharon felt it was a Jewish name. That certainly would explain his calling Justin a faggot.

“Stanley, about time, what news do you have?”

He could tell that his client’s voice was filled with rage. In some respects he didn’t blame him either but after getting the dozen or so messages from Walter and then the call from the police, he wasn’t so sure who should be angrier, Walter or the Goldbergs?

Stanley Karmon had been the family lawyer for a long time now and he never thought that something like this could ever happen to people like Walter and Sharon. He had known the boys since they were just youngsters and today he would be watching his long time clients bury the youngest of them. It made him feel sad but, being a good lawyer, he also saw the potential risks that were now threatening his client.

“Walter it isn’t good I am afraid.”

Stanley’s voice had that dry tone to it, the kind that he always hated when Stanley had something unpleasant to say. He could hear it now and his heart skipped a beat or two as he gripped the phone tighter.

“What do mean? How can they get away with what they are saying? I don’t get it, can’t you sue them or something?”

“Walter it is more serious than that.”

“Huh? What is? Look Stanley if you are worried about your fee…”

“Walter will you listen to me please?”

He felt a strange sense of panic in his heart as he listened to Stanley’s commanding voice. Walter could almost picture the man as he spoke and he didn’t like the image that came to mind. It was as if his whole world was suddenly collapsing and worse, he could feel her eyes glued to his figure as he replied.

“Okay.”

Stanley didn’t know how to break the news to his client. Hell, he himself was still rather taken aback by the facts himself. Firstly to think that Robbie was gay was one shock he was slowly getting used to, but Justin as well? That was almost too much and now, here he was just finished meeting with Social Services and the RCMP who were investigating his long time friend and client. He couldn’t understand why they were concentrating on Walter when the news clearly seemed to indicate that there was more to the Goldberg boy’s statements than what was at first released.

At first he had been taken aback that the police even knew he was Walt’s attorney, until the Social Services bitch had informed him that Walter had told them that when he had been attempting to get a neighbour’s boy released from custody. In addition, he had interceded at Walter’s request to confirm that the young boy wasn’t going to be charged so the police simply came to him with the search warrant, an effort to cut down on any possible delay or so they said. He had his suspicions though as he checked the validity of the warrant and then shrugged his shoulders. There was no way that Walter could be involved in this mess. Besides, he thought that maybe the news had been right, maybe either Cooper or one of the Goldberg boys had gone up to Salt Spring island and been with Justin. It was possible given the ferry schedules but as much as his legal mind wanted to believe that, in his gut he knew it wasn’t possible.

“The police are up at your cabin on Salt Spring”

“Huh? The police? What the fuck for?”

“Walter, uh, look, this isn’t easy but, well… look I think we need to get together and talk a few things over.”

His mind was in shock as he heard the lawyer babbling on about a legal search warrant and other mumbo jumbo. For Christ’s sake, didn’t Stanley realize that they were about to bury his poor Justin? How the hell was he supposed to find any closure if the damn police were snooping all over his cabin? Surely they could have waited till later on for that, after all he too wanted them to find the person responsible for hurting his poor Justin. As much as he believed that, he also felt a strange fear rising up inside as he tried to figure it all out. What did the police expect to find at his cabin? Could they be looking for signs that those kykes had been there? Maybe that was it?

“Fine, but why are the police at my cabin? Can they do that?”

“Yes they can and well, didn’t you expect them to be there after that report from the coroner?”

“No, I didn’t, how can they put any stock in that? For Christ’s sake, the coroner is a god damn kyke[1. derogatory word, meaning Jew]… how can they believe his report?”

Walter’s tone was something he had never heard in the man’s voice before. He didn’t like the way Walter spit out that horrible word either and in the back of his mind he began to wonder what it was that he was suddenly being immersed into? Was it an attempt to find the truth or was he perhaps dealing with something more? He knew that Walter was a bit strange in his views on some things, Jews being one of them, but he never suspected he could be so vehement about it. Of course it simply could be the anger and stress of the last week or so but even, as he thought it, he knew it wasn’t that at all.

“Walter, that isn’t going to get you anywhere, uh, and for the record, he isn’t Jewish, he is Lutheran, he’s German Walter, not Jewish.”

His mind had a hard time accepting his lawyer’s words. Maybe the guy said he was that, after all many of those Jews in Germany had changed religion to try and beat God’s rightful judgement; hell, the guy could be a damn Jew and who would know the truth? It wasn’t like he would willingly tell the truth and those kind, they always stuck together even if they didn’t acknowledge their religion. It was part of their make up and he could see that Rabbi’s hand in all this. Somehow he knew it but he couldn’t find the words to convince Stanley, so he dropped it.

“I don’t care, he can’t be right, Justin wasn’t a faggot, Stanley, I know my boy, and he

wasn’t one of those.”

“That isn’t the issue Walter, the issue is they believe you are involved.”

Walter felt Sharon standing next to him and he was afraid to look at her. He knew deep down that time was slowly running out and yet still he refused to acknowledge the voice from within. He gripped the phone tighter as he listened to the rage and not to his heart. He would not let them do this, somehow he would find a way to beat them, and he reached out with his other hand to hold Sharon’s hand.

“WHAT? How dare they! I am not some faggot, I sired two boys, my wife and I… this is ridiculous Stanley, you have to do something.”

“I am trying Walter, but well, I think we need to talk.”

“Fine, when?”

Instinctively he knew that Sharon must have come near Walter. She always had a calming effect on him and he could hear that in his voice. Even as he could hear the voice cooling down and the breathing grow less ragged, he felt a nagging sense of impending doom in the back of his mind. His instincts were good ones and rarely let him down, and now they were telling him that he needed to insulate his client. He couldn’t explain it but he knew in his gut that Walter had something to do with Justin’s early demise, yet what he wasn’t sure or maybe it was that he just didn’t want to know?

“I think the sooner the better.”

“Well I can’t come now. Shit Stanley, I am burying my boy today, this is beyond belief.”

“I know Walter, uh, look, let me come out there. I can stop by your house before the funeral, what time are you leaving?”

“Uh, the car is supposed to pick us up at 1:15, the service is at 2.”

“Okay, I’ll try to be there by noon, okay?”

“Yeah okay, but Stanley this is crazy; how can they think I would do anything to hurt my own son? This is just plain wrong, and I know you don’t believe me but I am certain that Rabbi has something to do with it. You mark my words, he is involved.”

His trained mind was slowly focusing on the obstacles ahead for him and his client. Whatever Walter might be, whatever he might have done or not done, he had to protect him and keep him safe. After all, it was what he got paid for and he could feel the legal bills rising as this case seemed to take on a whole new dimension for him. Listening to Walter’s continued harangue about the Rabbi didn’t sit well with him either, not because of what he said but because it wouldn’t sit well with the press or with those liberal do good organizations. He needed some damage control right now so he set himself to keep Walter under wraps for now.

“Uh, well, maybe, look Walter I know this isn’t easy right now, but you can’t be saying that kind of stuff right now. In fact, if any reporter calls you refer them to me, okay?”

“Well, but Stanley they are saying things that aren’t true. I can’t just let them get away with that, someone has to set them straight, someone has to tell the truth… But if that is what you want, okay, I’ll tell them to call you but you have to make them see the truth Stanley, I won’t have them calling my Justin a queer… I won’t Stanley!”

“I know Walter, I’ll deal with it, for now you keep quiet. I’ll see you at noon Walter, uh, how is Sharon holding up?”

“Sharon? She’s a rock Stanley; I don’t know how I could get through this if it weren’t for her. My God all those things they are saying Stanley… ”

“Yes, well the important thing right now is to ignore all that and just concentrate on dealing with the more important matters Walter. It doesn’t look good, that report and well, uh, we’ll discuss this in person Walter.”

It was how he said it really that gave rise to the panic he was feeling. His hand quickly grasped Sharon’s hand tighter as he fought the panic that was reaching for him. How could Stanley even think for a second that he might be guilty of hurting his own boy? It was insane to think that but then he had to admit, the Jew media were really pulling no punches. He had put one of their own in the cross hairs so naturally they would come gunning for him, but how could his own kind believe them?

Surely a man like Stanley didn’t buy into that liberal crap of the media, or was he not as smart as Walter believed?

“Christ Stanley, surely you don’t believe this shit do you? How can you…”

For just a second or two he wondered if Walter did have something to do with Justin’s death or not. Only a second but in that time he felt a strange unease enter him and as he tried to pull himself together, that strange unease seemed unwilling to leave him alone. For better or not it appeared to be staying with him.

“Walter, my job isn’t to believe you, it is to protect your rights and your ass, okay? That is all, makes no difference if you are guilty or not, so don’t worry about what I think or don’t think, it isn’t relevant.”

It really was how she said it would be. They just didn’t understand or were too brainwashed by the Jew Media and others to see the truth. Still, he had expected Stanley to at least understand. Maybe if he explained it to him, but then, could he trust Stanley? He wasn’t sure as he held tightly to his wife’s hand.

“I see, well… I am innocent Stanley.”

“Yes I am sure you are Walter, remember, no comment to anyone, got it?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Stanley put the phone down and glanced at his watch. He noted the time on a pad in front and made a few small notes as he tried to piece it all together. The whole thing was only becoming more clouded by the minute, as he pushed his intercom to get his secretary to send his waiting client in. As he waited he wondered how much Walter could afford and if the father, Tommy Fisher, would be willing to help? The old man was reputed to have a nice little nest egg set aside.

Tommy Fisher

He watched with satisfaction as the last shard of paper turned black in the fireplace. It had felt good to put a match to that rag and see it burst into orange flames and to see the hideous words turn into black crisp shards of nothing and then into grey ash. It was what all decent folk should do but he knew that would never happen. Tommy had already cancelled his subscription to the paper, a subscription he had maintained since the paper had first been published. Well he didn’t need some rag to tell him what he knew and besides, at his age who gave a shit what went on out there or who thought what. It wasn’t like it was real anyhow. So much garbage he thought, as he sat back in his chair, missing Justin even more as the flames flickered and died down.

The sound of his back door opening by a key startled him and then he sat back, smiling as he knew who it was. It felt good to hear that sound again, knowing it had been too long since he had last heard it. It was how they would always come, and he waited in his chair as he heard the voice calling his name. He answered and waited, knowing the next question that would come. Tommy wasn’t disappointed either as he heard the young voice asking it, and he answered yes and then waited for the tall dark haired boy to come walking into the living room.

He saw him as he turned the corner and came into the living room with two glasses in his hand. The ice clinked and made a small sound as he walked in and then right behind him came another young boy. For a minute Tommy was a bit puzzled until he recognized the other youth who had a glass in his hand too. Tommy glanced up at his grandson and just smiled as he took the glass of juice and nodded for Robbie to take a seat. His eyes widened a little as Robbie sat down in the other armchair and the other boy merely sat down on the floor next to Robbie’s feet.

“So, you are early Robbie.”

“Not really Grandpa, I uh… I am not going to go in the limousine with you, least uh…”

The old man kept his face non-committal as he stared out at his grandson. There was something about him that made his heart beat a little faster, made his pulse race just a bit stronger. He could see it in the eyes but he wasn’t sure as he waited patiently for Robbie to explain himself.

“Oh? I thought we had that all worked out?”

In some ways he thought this would be harder than it was for him. He had been hesitant after making up his mind last night and yet, sitting here now with Josh, he didn’t feel so afraid. It was like he had something inside that was keeping him calm, something that was soothing his nerves even though he felt edgy. The news had been tough to take and only the presence of Josh and his family had kept him from grabbing the television set and tossing it. Mind you the reaction of all of them seemed to be the same. His heart was heavy and yet sitting here, he felt at ease, as if a great weight was slowly lifting from his shoulders.

“No grandpa, we didn’t, you and Pastor Johnson did, not me.”

As far back as he could remember, his grandson had never been a strong boy. He had never stood his ground except on the basketball court. There he was a tiger in defending his space but in life Tommy had never really seen him stand firm. Yet now there he was, calmly but firmly staking out his ground and it made the old man smile a little inside.

“I see… so what then? You are not going to say your farewells to Justin?”

“I am going.”

Robbie had said those three little words very softly and yet as he said them, Tommy had seen how his eyes had lit up as they looked at him fully. There was no shame in them either. Only a look of determination was present that warmed the old man’s heart even more. He couldn’t explain it really, but somehow it was like he had been waiting for this moment to happen.

“I don’t… Robbie, you are certain?”

“Grandpa, I appreciate what you are trying to do, but it isn’t right.”

“Right? No, I suppose it isn’t, but sometimes one has to compromise in life Robbie, and well…”

“I know that Grandpa, but sometimes you just have to do what is right no matter what.”

His grandson spoke the truth and yet as much as he knew that, he still felt like he owed it to him to point out the risks. After all it wasn’t like his father would do that but somehow he knew deep down inside that Robbie was not the compliant youth of just a few months ago. He had changed and he could see it reflected in the boy’s face.

“You realize there will be a lot of people there who aren’t happy with you right now?”

“I know that.”

“Your mother swore to Pastor Johnson she would have you thrown out if you showed up with uh… with anyone else.”

“With my lover? Yes I know what she has said. She has said it before too, a long time ago actually and I listened to her then, but Grandpa, I can’t listen to her anymore. She is wrong about me, I think you know that.”

“I do Robbie, I wish I could do more for you.”

“You have done lots already, Grandpa.”

There were so many regrets in his life that he felt overwhelmed by them at times. He knew he should have been more involved with his grandchildren but he had taken the easy road. He didn’t want to interfere and where had that gotten him or them? How many had been hurt by his own denial of life’s realities? Could he ever have Robbie’s strength? Because even now, he knew that he still wanted Robbie to take his way, to avoid the confrontation with not just his parents but will all those others who would be there. If only he had been stronger before, if only he had done something more than just wishful thinking, things might actually have turned out differently for Justin and Robbie.

Tommy leaned forward a little in his chair, staring hard at Robbie. He could see the sparks in his eyes and he could feel the boy’s determination, too. He wished he had that kind of courage himself and wondered if maybe he could? He sighed a little and settled back into his chair, feeling not his age but the countless regrets that just sapped his inner strength. His voice became wistful and frail as memories flooded in, choking his spirit a little by their sheer number.

“How? Tell me how because I don’t know that I have really. There is so much I should have done for you and for Justin too. I just didn’t, I didn’t… well I was afraid I suppose, afraid and maybe a bit confused. I know that you and Justin were close but I didn’t stand up for you or him. I should have, I know that now which is why I know you need to be there to say goodbye, but I know your mother too, she will not let it go easily. She very well might do what she threatens.”

“Let her, she can’t hurt me anymore.”

“Still… Robbie I wish I could do more, I really do, you are okay at the Rabbi’s? You can come stay here with me if you want, both of you actually, if it would help…”

“You mean that don’t you, Grandpa?”

“Yes I do.”

Robbie had felt Josh stir at the old man’s offer and he too had been a bit taken aback by it. Still, looking into his grandfather’s face he could see that the man meant it. It was strange really as the memory of his outrage so many years back flashed into his mind but the man had changed. There was a sense of calm inside of him that he had never really seen before.

For as long as he could recall, his grandfather had never really come across as a strong man. He had wondered how his own father had come to be so overbearing and demanding but then, looking at his grandfather, he also began to wonder if perhaps his father’s actions were a sham? Could his father simply be acting because he was afraid to show what he really felt?

He knew of his grandfather’s nightmares from Justin. His grandmother had told Justin about them once, and until now Robbie never really understood them. Looking at the old man now he could perhaps see the reason a little. His grandfather wasn’t the aloof cranky old man he had thought for so long, he was just a man who had maybe seen too much and just didn’t know how to cope with it. Robbie felt a sense of pity for the older man and yet also a bit of awe too. To have lived through all he had and still be willing to change was something you just didn’t see these days.

“You might not want to after…”

“After what?”

“I can’t do it your way, Grandpa.”

He could see the genuine concern in his grandson’s face but he also could see the strength that was there. Robbie was no longer a child and he could see how his leg would press up against the other boy, taking strength from him as he needed it or so it seemed. It made him think back to all the times he used to sit with his own wife, the way he would casually let his own body shift closer to her when he needed her strength. That was just what his grandson was doing and somehow he knew that the boy at his feet belonged with his Robbie. Somehow that seemed to make it all right and he knew he couldn’t ask for more than that.

Still his mind wanted to spare Robbie the pain and hurt that would come. It was a natural feeling he believed but even as he began to try and once more dissuade him, he knew in his heart that Robbie would not accept his offer. For whatever reason that existed in the universe, Tommy felt proud that no matter what argument he could devise, his grandson had at least come to be his own man. The realization also saddened him as he knew that his son Walter would never reach that stage of manhood in this lifetime, and that brought the tears to his eyes. One more regret but it was a tough one to accept. He had failed his son and he knew that there was little if anything he could do about that now.

“Why not?”

“Well for starters, I guess because it feels wrong, I know you mean well, but Gramps, it would be like I had something to hide, something to be ashamed of.”

“I don’t think that, I doubt if anyone who really knows you. will Robbie. It is at least a way for you to say goodbye to Justy, he would want you there and…”

“I know he would, but not like this. It isn’t that I am not going, I am, nothing really could stop me.”

“Then… are you certain Robbie? I mean your mother and father, they were very clear to Pastor Johnson about what they would do if…”

“I know, and well, if they do I guess I’ll have to deal with that, but I can’t keep running anymore, Gramps. I am sorry if it will upset you but…”

He wasn’t sure which was making him feel better, Robbie’s quiet determination or the way that the Goldberg boy looked at his grandson. It was like they were a perfect fit. Tommy didn’t need to know that whatever Robbie had decided, the Goldberg boy would be with him no matter the cost. Strange to look at them both and know that they were as one in this, sad too because he knew his own son could never understand such devotion or love.

“Upset me? Robbie… no, it doesn’t upset me one bit, in fact, well… to be honest I am more proud of you right now than I ever have been.”

“Really? But you…”

“I know, but it has bothered me too Robbie. He was your brother, there was no one closer to him, you should not have to slink in like some criminal. And you know what, I am going too walk in with you, to hell with that other room.”

He felt happy that he had listened to the Rabbi. At first he didn’t think he could do this but now he was glad he had listened. Strange how the Rabbi could know how it would be, but then maybe not. He had been full of surprises himself and maybe it just was a hunch, but he knew that somehow his grandfather was more than what his childhood memories had made him.

The way Justin had talked about him should have made him realize his grandfather wasn’t a mean old man. He just never allowed himself to see that, but now, listening to him and seeing the way his eyes lit up, he felt sad that it had taken him so long to realize how much his grandfather really did love him.

“Gramps, uh… thanks but… it could be a bit, well you know how Mom gets, and there will be Justin’s friends too… you might be safer not…”

“No, I can’t let you be the only Fisher with balls, God Damn it Robbie, I have hidden too long myself, it is time I stood up on my own two feet too, this isn’t just about you Robbie, I may not have a lot of time left to me, I just want to do what is right, can you understand that?”

“Yeah, more than I think you know.”

There was no denying how he was feeling. The pain in his chest had gone away, for how long he wasn’t sure but it felt good to feel this way. His eyes looked hard at Robbie and then at Joshua. He could see the way they were and in his heart he was happy for them. No one should be alone in life and at least his grandson had someone to share his life with. It would help him and he felt suddenly like a young man again. His face was no longer impassive as it broke out into a grin.

Josh saw the change come over the older man. He looked strangely happy and as he stared at him, saw the way his lips broke apart in a wide grin, he felt like he was suddenly staring at an older version of Robbie. The way his face seemed to suddenly grow young and there was no mistaking the fire in his eyes, the same spark and glint that Robbie now had. He wasn’t sure, but he felt a warmth inside, glad that his father had made them come here.

“Good, so this young man, he is going to be with you as well?”

“Yes Gramps, he wouldn’t listen either, haha. Uh, you two never really met have you; this is Josh, Joshua, Gramps.”

“I know, he looks handsome. You’re taking good care of my grandson aren’t you?”

The way the man’s eyes looked and the lilt in his voice made Josh start to blush. He could feel his face turning red even as Robbie’s hand reached out and touched his cheek. God, what was it about the older folks that made him squirm and yet feel like they knew everything he was thinking? His mind was confused but as he looked up at the older man, he felt a sense of compassion that only made him feel happier and more content. It was good that someone in Robbie’s family at least understood.

“I am trying, Sir.”

“Sir? Nonsense, it is gramps, Grandpa, or Tommy, but Sir? Not here my boy, not here.”

“Thank you, uh…”

“It is okay, in time, so, your parents Josh, will they be joining us?”

“Gramps, they think they shouldn’t. I want them to come, but I couldn’t budge them. I wish they would though. I think Justin would have liked them.”

“And you Josh, you feel they should come to?”

“Well, yes, they should. I know they want to actually. They really do care for Robbie, Sir… sorry, Tommy. It is just that they think if they are there as well as Robbie and me, that it

would send Robbie’s folks over the top, least that is how my father put it.”

Maybe in time Robbie would feel for him the way he obviously felt about the Goldbergs. It hurt a little to know how strangers had suddenly become so important to his own flesh and blood, but then that wasn’t right either. They were meant to be there he thought, and he knew that somehow the rift between him and Robbie had at least narrowed if not disappeared.

Well if he were going to stand on his own feet and take a page out of the Rabbi’s book and his grandson’s, he might as well go the distance he thought as he stared at the two boys.

Besides, somehow he knew that it was important for Robbie and for himself that he stopped being afraid. It was time as he turned to look at both boys.

“I see… well, hand me that phone Robbie.”

There had been times when his grandfather’s voice had been tough and authoritive but never like it sounded now. There was something different in the old man that only made him feel happier than he thought possible. In some ways it was like he had come home.

“Gramps, I don’t…”

“Robbie, the phone please.”

Robbie shook his head a little as he handed the phone over to his grandfather. He listened as Josh gave him the phone number and the two of them just sat there watching. It felt good to see the old man acting so calm too and Robbie felt a strange warmth inside as he heard his grandfather start to speak.

“Mrs. Goldberg? Tommy Fisher here, I am sorry, but I need your help.”

Josh stared at the man who quickly went on to explain that he had no way of getting to his grandson’s funeral and that neither Robbie nor Josh had a car here. He asked if the Rabbi and she would be so kind as to give them a ride, and as they would be there, it would please him if both she and the Rabbi would come inside with him. He went on to speak quickly, giving no one really a chance to interrupt him as he told her how much it would mean to him to have the people who had done so much for Robbie to be with him and Robbie in this most arduous time.

There was no mistaking the man’s charm either and Josh looked up at Robbie and saw the big smile on his face. He could see parts of Tommy in his face, the way the lips curled up to the side and made his face appear wider than it was. It was like watching a sunrise really and he couldn’t help but marvel at how handsome Robbie looked.

Josh felt like laughing out loud, too, as he listened to the old man talk. At last someone who could out talk his mother and that was no mean feat either. The way Tommy simply over rode her was obvious to him and he couldn’t help but chuckle as the man worked his charm on her. He knew they wanted to come, to be with him and Robbie for moral support, and yet, as he listened to Tommy knock down each of her arguments, he couldn’t help but admire the man. No one ever talked his mother out of something but somehow, Tommy was doing just that and Josh wondered if perhaps the old man wasn’t getting some extra help.

He glanced upwards and smiled and then gazed at Robbie. He could see the big grin on his face too, and he knew that Robbie was thinking the same thing as he was. No one out talked or out conned Adele Goldberg but a miracle was happening, Tommy was actually doing just that and it gave them both hope that maybe, just maybe things would change for the better soon.

The old man suddenly thanked her and hung up the phone and stared at the two boys.

“Well that’s settled then, the whole family is coming; so, Josh do you play chess by any chance?”