Chapter 50

Marilyn Schellenberg

The hour long special was over and she sat there stunned. They had shown the complete interview between that Rabbi and the news reporter from Channel 6. It wasn’t how she had remembered it from when Check News had shown it. In this full length version the Rabbi was not some arrogant old man protecting his children. He came across as a man who believed in a loving God, something she believed in as well. He didn’t appear to be arrogant but patient with the harassing questions that were being asked, protective yes but never belligerent like he appeared earlier. And the people, there was no hint in the earlier broadcast that so many people had watched the interview nor how they all applauded the Rabbi several times.

Her mind was reeling from it as she turned to see the expression on her son’s face. It was white as a ghost and she was certain that she could see a small tremor in his hands as he sat there staring at the television. A man coming on to explain that they were following this with a panel discussion and that tomorrow night they would be airing a second hour long special. He also said that they hoped to have details from the recently completed autopsy of Justin Fisher that might shed more light on the tragedy that had befallen the Fisher family.

She could see the way Neil’s mouth was set that he was angry. At what she wasn’t quite sure because for her, this whole special hadn’t help answer one single question in her mind, instead it had only added to her doubts and her fears. She couldn’t understand it really, but what worried her the most was that somehow her son was involved in this whole mess. How she wasn’t yet sure but the more she heard, the more she tried to dig for answers the more confused and worried she became.

One very important point had come out so far. She knew now that Justin Fisher had known that his brother wasn’t at the apartment. There was no doubt now that the claim that he might have buzzed the apartment while the Goldberg boys were inside was less likely given that Justin knew no one was expected to be there. If that were true and it seemed likely, then why had he gone there? Why hadn’t he gone to a friend or more importantly to his parents with his pain? Why had he gone to a place where he didn’t expect to find anyone?

“Neil…”

He could see that look on her face and somehow he knew she wanted to talk. Why did parents always want to talk when all you wanted to do was go somewhere and just be alone? The whole thing on television just wasn’t right, someone had to have gotten to those at VI. No way could it be like they said, besides Chek said it differently, how could they if what VI had was the real tape? He just wanted to think without her nattering, which made him feel impatient.

“Please Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Son, we have to, it isn’t…”

“I don’t want to, can’t you just leave it alone?”

“No I can’t, you are my boy, you…”

“I am not some kid anymore, why can’t you just leave it?”

She couldn’t put her finger on it but ever since Justin had died, Neil had acted more angry, more belligerent than she thought possible for him. When had he changed so much? How come she had never seen it coming before now? Looking at her son she felt he was different, that he was somehow consumed by a hatred that she had no idea of its source. His anger towards the Rabbi and Jews in general had shocked her and at first she just chalked it up to him being upset at Justin’s death. That no longer seemed the case and it irked her more with each passing second. Something was wrong with her little boy, and he would always be that no matter what he said.

For some unknown reason she felt that time was slipping past her when she would be able to bring this to a head. A sort of desperation came into her as she studied his face, seeing the darkness in his eyes. This wasn’t how she had believed him to be, and yet there it was. He was obviously consumed by something but how did it happen? She felt a dread in her heart as she kept her voice calm, staring directly at him, making him lower his eyes as she spoke.

“Neil, you are still my boy, no matter how old you get you will always be that. Can’t you see that whatever is eating at you effects me too? This whole thing with Justin and the Rabbi… you saw the report and…”

“Yeah well I don’t believe it, I bet some Jew owns that station, that…”

“Neil stop it, I won’t have you talking like that. I don’t know where you get that from?”

“It’s the truth, they own it all, or control it, you just don’t know…”

“Yes I do son, how can you not believe your own eyes? You saw it all, the questions, the answers, how can you sit there and tell me that was faked?”

It was like Walt had said. Women were always looking at the sunny side, they never wanted to see the real way some people were because it would upset them. They weren’t built for such things, he had said, and he wished Walt had been wrong but listening to her whining voice only proved the point. Why couldn’t she see how those kind always were trying to take away his rights? They had taken Justin from him and she just couldn’t see it. It didn’t matter what that reporter said, the one on Check could see it but this one obviously was either blind, stupid or in their pocket. They had that ability because they controlled the banks. Walt knew about this stuff and yet his mother refused to believe the facts. Why couldn’t she just leave it to him and others to deal with? Why did she want to interfere now?

“You don’t get it, they can do lots of things with editing; besides, it doesn’t change anything, Justin is gone, nothing is going to change that.”

“No son, nothing will, but you can’t blame those two Goldberg boys or their father either. Can’t you see they didn’t know he was there?”

“I don’t know that, no one does.”

“Neil you are smarter than that, for Christ’s sake son. Justin knew his brother was in hospital, he wouldn’t have buzzed the apartment, surely you can see that?”

“Why not? Maybe he thought Robbie was out by then? You don’t know he didn’t think that.”

“No, I don’t, but come on, you don’t believe that do you?”

Deep in his heart he could feel something, sort of like some voice or something which scared him. He had felt that before too, when he was in that room with the Rabbi and he was refusing to press charges. It was strange but he wished he could understand that voice a bit more. He didn’t like to be angry so much and yet, Walt seemed to think it was okay to be that way. He always said that a man had more obligations, so he was naturally more on edge, more tuned than women. Still, it didn’t feel right to always be mad and besides, she was his mother. It wasn’t like she was some stranger and some of what she said did make sense.

How come Justin didn’t buzz though? What other purpose could there be for him to have gone there, if not to see Robbie? No one had really answered that and he had to believe that he had tried to buzz; otherwise, well otherwise it would mean that he went there to die. That couldn’t be right, Justin loved life, so it couldn’t be that, could it?

“I guess, I don’t know. Look, I don’t want to talk about it, can’t we just leave it?”

“No, we can’t, I thought we could but no, you are lucky to even still be here. You could be in jail if not for the kindness of that man.”

“He had no choice! If Walt hadn’t been there I would still be in jail.”

“Walt? He had nothing to do with it, can’t you see that?”

The anger came up like a flash. The idea that Walt would not help him or hadn’t was not right. She shouldn’t say things like that. Walt Fisher had given him so much and she seemed to be making it seem like it was nothing. Where was she when he couldn’t help stuttering? She hadn’t helped him but Walt had. When he felt like girls wouldn’t find him attractive, where was she to give him advice? Nowhere is where she was, but Walt, he was always there for him. Couldn’t she see that?

“Why are you picking on Walt? Why are you sticking up for that… that Jew?”

“Stop It! How dare you say that!”

“It’s true!”

Her own anger was growing and yet so to was her fear. How had he become so hateful of people he never even knew? The idea that some group was out to get him was unbelievable and she felt the panic tearing at her heart. She also cursed her husband for leaving, blaming him for this; and yet, it was at that moment that she realized that she was doing exactly what Neil was doing. She was blaming someone else for a problem she had caused.

The pain inside was real as it dawned on her that she blamed her husband for a lot of things that really weren’t his fault. Okay he had left but she hadn’t fought it very hard, nor had she tried to assume his role either. She had abdicated that to a stranger and now look at what had happened? Maybe Walt Fisher had poisoned her son’s values on race and religion but she had let him. So who really was at fault, Walt or her?

Marilyn knew that somehow she had to correct all those years of damage. How she wasn’t sure, as she silently begged Jesus for help as she calmed herself down. Whatever it would take, she knew it was up to her to do it. Her face looked at her son and she felt his anger as well as his pain. He was still just a boy so maybe there was hope. Even if there wasn’t, she knew she had to try.

“No! Neil how can you be this way? I never taught you to be so hateful? Who has told you all this nonsense?”

“It isn’t nonsense, the Jews are evil, they killed Christ and they want to rule the world, that is the truth.”

“That is racist garbage son, that man you hate so much let you go free and nothing anyone else can say can change that. You owe him for that son.”

“No I don’t, he was trying to use that to get people to like his kind… it was a trick. I am not stupid.”

“Talking like that isn’t smart Neil.”

“You don’t know, you are just a woman.”

The look of scorn on his face scared her for a second. The idea that her own son could frighten her terrorized her and yet she fought the impulse to run and hide. She knew she had done too much of that as it was. Her composure came with a price, as she felt a sense of hopelessness creeping in.

“What? My gender has nothing to do with this. It was that Rabbi who got you off, not Walt Fisher. I was there Neil, he didn’t even get past the desk to see anyone but you, and that was only for a few minutes, how can you believe he was the reason you got off?”

“I just know.”

“How?”

It wasn’t going the way Walt said it always went. Women never argued with the men, they knew better but here she was, defying his certain knowledge of things that only men could understand. How could she be this way, if what Walt had said was the truth? Could he be wrong? But just thinking that made him suddenly grow cold inside. Walt knew things, he knew about this stuff because he had studied it and even his wife had agreed with him. She was a woman, so how come his own mother didn’t understand? Maybe she had been on her own too long? That could be it, hell it had to be because if not, then it would mean Walt was the one who was wrong and that just couldn’t be either, could it?

“You can’t understand, it is something only real men can understand.”

“Bull”

Just the way she said it startled him. He sat up in the chair and stared at her with a quizzical look on his face. How could she be so certain and yet she obviously was? It didn’t make sense to him and added to the growing confusion inside.

“Mom!”

At last she saw that she had his attention. Using that kind of language was never pleasing but if it got his attention then good. Now to keep it, she thought, as she narrowed her eyes and stared him down once more. He may be defiant but she was his mother and he still valued that, thank the Lord.

“That is bull and you should know that. Where are you getting all this from? Is this what Walter Fisher tells you when you are there? Is it?”

“He knows stuff Mom, he’s been around and besides, he’s a man, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh wouldn’t I? I know a lot more than you think young man. For starters I don’t think I want you spending so much time with Walt Fisher.”

He couldn’t believe the words he heard. How could she do this to him? Walt was more like his father than some helping adult. Why did she have to say that? Yet even as his outrage seemed to grow inside, that voice in his heart seemed to be feeling pleased at her decision. It was all so confusing and yet in some ways, it didn’t really seem all that terrible of a thing. Least it would mean no lessons for a bit, which he had to admit, didn’t quite feel right. He knew the explanations for them and believed in them but something always made him feel weird afterwards. Lately all he could think about was coming home to shower and wash after a lesson.

“You can’t mean that? He’s been like a father to me, more than my real one ever was. He helped me and you, how can you turn on him because of some Jew?”

Marilyn wasn’t really sure why she had issued the ban on Walt Fisher other than it just felt right. Whatever else might be going on around her, Walt and Sharon had been like a port in a storm for her and for Neil. Yet here she was feeling like that port was more like a trap of some kind. It didn’t make sense but she realized that in order to reclaim her son she needed to break the influence Walt and Sharon had on him. There really didn’t seem to be any other choice.

“This has nothing to do with them Neil, I don’t like your attitude.”

“You don’t understand, you can’t stop me from seeing Walt. It isn’t fair, he has helped you, don’t you appreciate that?”

“I appreciate what he has done in the past, but this, this isn’t right Neil, and I mean it, I don’t want you going there.”

He hated begging and he hated her. She was making him beg, making him act like a little kid and he swore he’d never forgive her for this. His anger was real but as much as it tried to exert its full power, something was holding it back. He could still remember her comforting him when his father had left, or the time when his dad had refused to take him to some game, so she had. He could still remember those times just after his dad had left when he would hear her crying alone and yet not once did she cry in front of him. Always she smiled at him and tried to make him happy and as the memories flooded his mind, the outrage dimmed a little and lost some of its power over him. He still felt it wrong, still felt angry about it but he no longer was defiant.

“You can’t stop me.”

“Yes I can, in fact you are grounded as of right now young man.”

“That isn’t fair, I didn’t do anything.”

“Yes you did, you painted horrible things on a church.”

“They deserved it!”

“No they didn’t and besides, that isn’t for you to decide, not at your age. I mean it, you are grounded as of this minute.”

“I made plans…”

Well she had wanted his attention and she sure as hell had it now she thought. Looking at him she had seen the hatred and anger but it was strange, the anger was still there but the hatred seemed gone now. In some ways he looked just like he used to look when he had done something wrong but didn’t want to admit it. Like the time he had taken the cookies for the boys, he never had admitted to it but he had accepted her punishment then just as she knew he would now. Her heart calmed down a little as she realized she still had a chance with him and she thanked Jesus for his help as she kept her face stern and determined.

“Tough.”

“Mom… that isn’t fair, why are you doing this to me? I didn’t do anything.”

“Listen to me young man, I am your mother, the only parent you have right now. And as long as you are living under this roof ,my word is law, not Walt Fisher’s or anyone else’s, my word, you hear me Neil?”

“Yes.”

It was his last stab at defiance but she would have none of it. Her tone and manner were fierce and she continued to just stare him down. No matter what she had finally found her place once more in her son’s life. He might not like it for the next little while but he would honour her decisions. That she was fairly certain of now as she looked at his defeated look.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, mother.”

“Fine, now you can start by cleaning up the backyard, you were supposed to cut it last week.”

She watched him storm out of the living room and slam his bedroom door. He looked so angry there but she knew there was no other choice left to her. He was her boy and she couldn’t just sit by any longer. Maybe all this was her fault, for letting Walt Fisher have so much control over her own boy. How could she have been so stupid or maybe it wasn’t that, maybe it was that she was just scared? Her mind was confused as she reached out and dialled the number from memory; feeling like this was the first step in regaining control over her son.

Marilyn knew that her son was all mixed up and it troubled her greatly. Somehow the Fisher’s were mixed up with his skewed ideas but how she wasn’t sure. All she knew, as she waited for the phone to be answered, was that she had to assume control over her own son. It was time that she stopped relying on others, no matter who they were, to raise her boy in her way. Maybe it was too late but she had to believe it wasn’t. There was no way she was willing to let him continue to have these crazy notions about people. It wasn’t right and no matter how much she may want him to like her, her job was to raise him properly.

Finally she heard Walt Fisher’s voice on the other end and hurriedly she explained her position to him. He didn’t seem surprised really, which made her wonder a little bit more about him. What hold did he have on her boy, she wondered, as she heard him agree that Neil should spend more time helping her around the house. This time she felt sick as he told her that it would be good for him to be more of the man of the house. God, could he really be such a chauvinist or worse? Was this really the man who had poisoned her son?

After replacing the phone in the cradle, she leaned back in her chair, feeling exhausted and very nervous. A strange chill crept through her as she heard the lawnmower start outside. At least he still listened to her, which was something. Maybe she could find some help but where? Her mind didn’t know who to turn to and yet she knew there was a great deal she needed to learn and quickly too. Her son’s future as a person was at stake. In many ways she was feeling the same way she had felt when her husband had just upped and left them to fend for themselves. Walt Fisher had come to her rescue then but maybe she had relied too much on that? Perhaps she shouldn’t be so quick to blame him; after all she let him take charge. Maybe if she had a little bit more faith in her own abilities none of this would have happened?

She shook her head knowing it was useless to try and figure out whom to blame. Right now her concern had to be Neil and how to straighten him out. With a sinking heart she reached for the phone book to look up a number that she should have called long before now. At least she was calling now and maybe, well he had seemed so kind and yet strong that maybe he might have some helpful words for her? It was kind of strange to go to the person her own son had called evil and all but then her son was wrong. Finding the number in the book, she reached for the phone and dialled, hoping that she was doing the right thing at last. Her son was her life and as she waited for the phone to be answered, she prayed that she wasn’t too late in taking charge over him.

Cooper Strathmore

He had no lights on, just the glare from the television set as he sat in the big easy chair watching his life fall apart before his eyes. The interview of the Rabbi held him mesmerized as he peered at the screen. Just looking at the man made him squirm because he could see it in his eyes. He knew, there was no mistaking that look and he felt like a rabbit caught in a trap. There would be no escape this time as he sat there watching the full interview.

It wasn’t fair, he thought, as he sat there watching the panel discussing the Fisher case. He had made one simple mistake and now here he was going through this once more. Last year had been bad enough and now this? He just couldn’t see how they could not find out this time around. They even had said that the autopsy report promised to reveal startling new details on the Fisher case and he just knew it would bring it all back up again.

His hand trembled as he stared at the faces on the television set. Didn’t they realize it wasn’t his fault? There was nothing he could have done to prevent it all but they would never understand that. They would brand him that horrible name and send him off to some prison. Cooper knew he could never handle that and he turned from the television set to stare at the big manila envelopes he had placed on his sofa. Each one was addressed and sealed ready for mailing and he turned back to the television.

Cooper had known this was coming the second he had found out that VI News was going to air some new dramatic evidence in the Fisher Tragedy. It was like he had been expecting it even. If he were honest, he would admit that he knew it would all come apart the second that the Coach had called to warn him that Social Services was coming down for the Fisher files. Even then he had known and like he was expected to do, he had cleaned up the files. What he hadn’t done though was destroy them like he had been expected to do. Those were now neatly placed in the various envelopes. Several copies in fact as each envelope was to go to a different person.

He had gone through all this last year with that boy. There was no way he was going to go through it again with Justin Fisher, no matter what she said or promised him. He just didn’t have her strength or courage really. No, he had made up his mind just after the Coach had called. This time would be the last time and on his terms for a change. Cooper knew he couldn’t alter what he had done years ago, but he could alter how he was remembered. This way they wouldn’t think of him as just one of those, this way they might actually have something decent to say about him.

One lapse was all it had been and now his life was ruined forever. He wasn’t sure which would have been worse, to have come clean then and take it then or in having to live under that cloud for all these years? Part of his mind thought it might have gone a lot easier if he had made a clean breast of things back then, but when no one really bothered to question him, when they had all assumed and gone after the parents, well he thought he had escaped.

Of course he hadn’t figured on her finding out either and what that would mean down the road. Still, considering who she was and all he didn’t really care then because it had only been that one time. He had made a mistake, which she seemed to accept but then he had found out. That was maybe the worst of it because once he found out it ended between him and her. The one bright spot in his life had suddenly ended and instead of seeing her, all he ever got was a polite cold nod at the church functions or services. Nothing ever was the same between them since and last year had been pure hell.

To this day he still didn’t know why he had told her about it. Maybe in some way he was trying to show his own vulnerability as she had shown him, or maybe it was just him trying to impress her in some distorted way? Whatever the reason had been, it no longer mattered.

People were so judgemental he thought. They wouldn’t understand the relationship he had with her, and worse they would make it seem dirty. He sighed knowing that there was nothing dirty about it, just that it might appear to be. Hell, lots of single men and married woman did far more than he and she ever did. It wasn’t like they crawled into bed and had sex; still he knew no one would believe them. Still, if they hadn’t done anything wrong, why did he feel the need to hide it, or for that matter why did she? All they ever did was talk and discuss life, how could that be taken wrong?

Okay so it was late at night at times. She was going through a rough time with her husband. He wasn’t paying attention to her and she needed someone to talk to, to get comfort from. Maybe he kissed her once or twice, but it wasn’t a passion type kissing, more of a kiss that friends give to each other. Just like a pat on the back from a fellow man at times, what was the harm in that? Still she had been frightened about what people might say so it was their little secret. Maybe that was why he had told her about his one mistake, maybe he had felt that they could share secrets.

He had no idea she would react the way she had and he sure as hell didn’t think she’d tell her husband but she had. It was that which held him in complete fear and now once more it was coming back to haunt him. How could she have done that to him? It just wasn’t right and yet in the back of his mind he knew that he would never be able to keep that part of his life secret forever. He had hoped it would never come out but each year as new cases came to light, as new incidents made the news, he felt like his time was numbered.

There was a time when he thought he might be that way, but he had gone to his Priest and confessed his sins. He had told her all about it just that way too, but while the Priest had absolved him, she hadn’t. She didn’t come out and say it but she never really looked at him the same afterwards. It was like she didn’t believe he had fought the demons and won. Okay not all the time, once he had slipped but he was only human for Christ’s sake, couldn’t she make allowances for that? God did, why couldn’t she?

Cooper reached out with his hand and flicked the remote button, shutting off the television set. His mind was finally made up as he stared once more at the pile of envelopes. At least this way he would find peace with himself as he stood up and walked over to pick up the bundle. Each one was carefully addressed and he had even taken the time to go to the post office to have them weighed and stamped properly. To make sure he even added an extra $1 worth of stamps to each one.

A small tear trickled down his cheek as he held the envelopes and then looked over at the shadow-enshrouded mantle place. All across the ledge were several photographs of the teams he had helped coach. The one with a small black ribbon on it was the last one taken when young Cory was in. He felt a small hitch in his throat as he walked over and picked up the picture frame. Cory was such a nice boy, always polite and full of life. It was a shame he had died so young and he felt the tears rolling down his cheeks. He couldn’t bring him back but maybe he could do something else that might help make amends.

What he had done wasn’t right. He knew that in his heart but he couldn’t help himself. It was a stupid mistake and now not only had young Cory paid for his mistake, but now he too would finally pay for it. There really was no other choice he realized, not if he wanted to atone for his transgression and for his one momentary lapse in judgement. Last year’s horror was now being repeated and it was in his power to have stopped it then, but he hadn’t. Instead he had taken the carrot she had dangled in front of him. He had believed her even though in his heart he knew it was a crock, but he had bought it. Now, not only had that young man been ruined but now poor Justin was gone too. It was his fault, he knew that as he slipped the jacket on and headed out the door towards the mailbox down the street.

He wiped his face with his sleeve as he headed out and down the street. At last he felt better than he had for many years now that his mind was made up. There was no way that he could avoid this any longer as he trudged down the road with his head bent down and the stack of envelopes under his arm. She had played him for a fool, he knew that now but he still cared for her. Inside, his heart might believe differently but he refused to accept that truth. He blamed him, her husband for it all and if he were going to have to pay, so too would her husband. It was his last act of love for her and he hoped she would understand it and come to realize how much she had meant to him. They really hadn’t done anything bad, just held hands and talked without fear about their darkest secrets. Her husband never understood that and he lorded his position with her over Cooper every chance he got.

How many times had he gone to her Church just to see her? His eyes seemed distant as he passed a few neighbours and yet to him, he could see her now. The way she looked and smelled. He even had taken a pew behind her and her family several times simply so he could smell her perfume. All these years and it was still the same perfume. Cooper had even bought a small container of it for his own. When he was feeling down he would spray it in his room, closing his eyes and imagining her being there with him. It helped but no more. Now it only brought sadness to him, as he felt the coming peace growing inside of him.

She hadn’t even thanked him for all of his help last year but then Cooper knew it wasn’t her fault. Her husband wouldn’t let her and in his own mind he knew that she would be better off without someone like that man in her life. She just didn’t realize it and so he was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for her. What more could a real man do? If only he had known her first, maybe then he wouldn’t have had his lapse, his one regret?

The Priest had been right all those years ago when he was just Cory’s age. There was no denying that he had an evil spirit inside but for all of his life, except once, he had managed to keep that evil buried and hidden. Maybe in the privacy of his own room he had strayed a few times but that had always been with just himself. Only once had he given in to the demons inside and let his true feelings surface and now where had it gotten him? The Priest had been right then and now too. It was unnatural and against HIS will but despite his best efforts, the desires still bubbled inside of him. No matter how hard he had tried to suppress them, he was petrified that they would once more surface and so this was the only way to make sure. This was the only way he could finally end the torment inside of him and make up for his one lapse. God would understand, of that he was sure and he hoped she would too.

Cooper had read the news and understood it. Too much of what God had taught and wanted from man was being ignored these days. That poor man in the Vatican was trying his best but Cooper knew it was a losing battle. There were just too many weak people out there who gave into the demons within. Look at poor Robbie Fisher for example. He was such a promising boy and so handsome too. Those brooding eyes of his could melt a person’s heart, if you let them. Now he too was condemned because he had given in to the demons inside of him. Such a tragedy really and there was nothing he could do about it, at least not as things were now.

He stared at the envelopes in his hand as he came to the mailbox. At least this way he could perhaps help others from falling into the hands of the demons. It wasn’t natural to feel the things he felt or that Robbie Fisher and other’s like him felt. He didn’t think he could make that change very much but maybe just a little. With the information in the envelopes he just might be able to save some he thought. In doing that maybe she would finally come to her senses too. If that would only happen then it would all be worth it.

Pushing each envelope in, he felt a sense of relief in his heart. At last he knew he would soon be free of it all and this last act of devotion would set her free too. He felt a small smile cross his mouth as the last envelope fell into the mailbox and he turned to head home for the last time. All the guilt was finally being put to rest he thought, as he walked briskly home. The Priest was right, there really wasn’t anything so exhilarating as being free of one’s sins. At last he would know peace and no longer have to fight those evil demons inside. At long last he wouldn’t have to fight each time he saw a good-looking man cross in front of him. Finally, he would be free of the strange urges that made his body react wrongly when he would go through the boy’s showers and no more would he have to hide at home when a bad spell overcame him. It would be good to finally have it all over with he thought, as he walked up his front walk and into his house.

Everything was in place as he took one last walk through his home. He had spent the entire day cleaning the house and making sure everything was neat and tidy. Nothing was out of place and finally he headed to his bedroom. There he stared at his dresser where more pictures rested. There was the one of the two Fisher boys and even another of several other of his favourite students. Young Bobby was there as was Neil and even that Rabbi’s youngest son. He had such an interesting look to him that Cooper felt a small regret in that he would never know him any better.

The room was as it should be, he thought, as he replaced the pictures on the dresser top. He picked up the spray bottle and for one last time he sprayed the room with her scent. He breathed it in deeply as he replaced it with a loving tap onto the dresser. Everything was set as he had planned it and he turned around to take one final look at his room. There was no going back now, as he slowly undressed and placed his dirty clothes into the empty hamper. On his chair he had laid out his best suit and shirt. The tie was laid neatly over the shirt along with a clean pair of white boxer shorts. Dark black socks rested over them and he stood back to admire their look.

On his nightstand he had the picture of her in a very elegant but unobtrusive gold gilded frame. It suited her image he thought, as he stared at it. The way her hair seemed to flow and the light etching around the picture enhanced her beauty or so he thought. The way she looked in that picture was how he wanted to always remember her. The smile she sometimes had graced him with was beautifully captured in the picture and he kissed it for one last time. With his hand he laid the frame back on the nightstand, his fingers lingering for an extra second or two. There was no rush for this final goodbye.

Cooper’s face moved to the other picture next to hers. He stared at it with tears beginning to roll down his cheek. He had really thought that Cory had been happy for those few weeks that his demons had been loosed. He really did, but now he knew differently. If only he could have kept those evil thoughts hidden, maybe all this wouldn’t have to be, but somehow inside he knew that, if it hadn’t been Cory, it would have been someone else. Maybe not then but at some time it would have happened and the outcome would have been the same. He would have failed her and failed God too, because he had given in to the call of the demons.

The Priest had warned him of that, had counselled him for several years and the private sessions had helped him. There was no doubt that he learned his lessons well from the Priest and then suddenly one day, he was gone. No one really ever said what had happened other than he had gone. People had questioned him and others about the man, about his private lessons but unlike some he had been true to the Priest and never said a word. No one knew about how much pleasure he had gotten or how much the man had helped keep his demons hidden. Now he too was gone but the demons had never left. They had stayed and young Cory had been a victim of them.

The small envelope rested against the bottom of Cory’s picture frame. He stared at it, seeing the eyes looking back at him. No one else had ever seen that picture, it was the only one he cherished as much as her picture. It too was in a very special frame and as he looked at the young innocent face, he knew that he had failed him. He knew that he had mistaken Cory’s acceptance as being based on happiness when in fact it had hurt him. If only he had known, but he had really. It was his fault for letting himself give into the demons, just as the Priest had warned him would happen.

He stretched out on his queen-sized bed and kept his face turned towards the only two people he had ever loved. He breathed in deeply and could still smell her perfume and he smiled now as he remembered her voice, as if she were talking to him at this moment. He sighed as he closed his eyes and once more the images of young Cory came to him but no longer were they tormenting him. He could see his young face as he slowly undressed the boy and marvelled at his youthful beauty. His body grew calm as the darkness finally came to him, the image of this naked young boy his last conscious thought.

the Goldbergs

“I bet that potz, Sam, is twisting now.”

Abner was smiling as he tried to admonish his youngest. It was strange really to have sat there and watched once more his own insignificant figure being shown on television. He doubted if he looked any different this time around than then, but at least this time everyone would be able to see it all. He still didn’t know how Myron had managed to pull this off but VI News not only had shown the entire unedited tape, but were doing more on the story tomorrow night. A panel was also being held to discuss the case and on Thursday they would host a show about being gay and a teenager. He had been invited to participate along with his boys.

He still wasn’t sure about all this notoriety but Myron had told him it was necessary, if they wanted to get Robbie’s story out. He had to agree, it was better he tell it than leave it to others but Thursday was not going to be an easy day for Robbie or any of them. Justin’s funeral was to be that day and he wondered how that would go? Even as he tried to scold Joel, he knew that they were all thinking about it.

“Joel! Show some respect, besides, Sam isn’t a bad person, he is just a bit farmisht¹ is all.”

She couldn’t help it as she heard herself speaking up. Sam had gotten on her bad side and even Miriam had said a lot worse and she was his mother. Ach, what mother’s had to go through from their children wasn’t fair really. If only women ran the world, boy would it be different but you had to be a man, didn’t you? Her eyes had glanced upwards and everyone around knew who she was talking to even if she didn’t voice the words for them to hear.

“Abner Goldberg, you stop trying to be Mr. Nice Guy all the time, Sam is a shmuck² and you know it.”

“True but not in front of the kinder³!”

“Ach they know the truth, right boys?”

Joel didn’t quite know why but it felt like everything was finally coming to some conclusion. He had felt the tenseness this morning when Josh and Robbie had gotten up and later when they had headed off to the Shul to meet with Myron and that lady from Social Service. He couldn’t help but admire Josh for the way he stood by Robbie. It couldn’t have been easy to sit in a room and hear all those things again. God how could Robbie have survived all that crap and still manage to smile now and then?

He certainly didn’t know if he’d ever find out all that had happen to his new brother, but right now it felt like whatever had happened to him had brought him back his brother. More than that though it had given him a family again, one that laughed and joked a little even when things were all fucked up. It was always how it had been and now, well it seemed that things were normal.

“Yes Mama, uh so Papa, you think they’ll change their minds now?”

“Eh, maybe, I don’t know though, right Mama?”

There was that damn twinkle of his again she thought as he spoke. How handsome he looked when he was trying to be the jolly one. He never quite pulled it off but at least he kept trying. She smiled at him as she knew what it cost him to get to this point. They had discussed this several times already and she wasn’t so sure as he was that this was some sign from above. Granted, HE did work in strange ways but even this was a bit too mishuga for HIM.

“Don’t you put this at my feet, Abner Goldberg.”

“Well who else’s? After all you are the guiding force behind this family, none of us would dare do anything without first consulting our resident mavin⁴, right kinder?”

“Abner you are mishuga⁵ talking like this.”

“Ach, why not? Besides, who said we always had to be serious?

Just because I am a Rabbi doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun.”

“Fun? At my expense, you men, you wait, one day we women folk will take charge, then boy oh boy, will you be singing a different tune.”

“Now Adele, you know I can’t sing, otherwise I’d have been a cantor not a Rabbi.”

“Exactly, you are a Rabbi.”

He could see the strange expressions on his children’s faces as they traded barbs. It felt like old times really and he couldn’t remember a happier time than right now, despite all the tszuris⁶ that lay ahead for them all. Maybe it was because of that that he really did consider not returning to the pulpit? Or maybe it was as he thought, that he was just tired of being a Rabbi in name only. Looking at Joshua and Robbie he felt a strange sense of pride, for in looking at them he knew he had at least been a good Rabbi. Maybe even with Joel too now but at least with his oldest he had done what a good Rabbi should, he had taught them both faith and love. How could he ever feel that again, if he went back to the same old shtick⁷?

“For four more months I am, after, well, who knows.”

“But this changes things Papa, doesn’t it?”

“Perhaps Joel, we shall see but I am not so sure I want it to change some things.”

“Abner Goldberg, you stop this day dreaming, you know it can’t be.”

“Why not?”

“Because neither of us are spring chickens, oiy vie, what have I married? A mishuganneh⁸ is what, least Joshua here chose wisely.”

The curiosity of what his parents were talking about was killing him and he had to admire them too. He knew that this whole routine of theirs was designed to help him and Robbie forget about earlier. God what a day it had been and then the VI News report on top of it. At least there they had come out looking better than on the Chek 6 report. Still, today had been tough and he could feel it still but this talk, this trading of jocular barbs was something that he couldn’t help but feel good about. Robbie certainly seemed to be enjoying it, as he held Josh’s hand less tightly, less fearfully.

“Hey keep me out of this, I am just glad that they aired the whole thing.”

“Yes, well I am too but speaking of choosing wisely, Robbie what are you planning to do after all this meshugassism is behind us all?”

He didn’t think he could have gotten through all the questions if Josh hadn’t been there with him. It was like without him he felt so alone, so empty but with him there he felt like he could climb Mount Everest. Even the Rabbi had stayed behind and was just in the other room nearby which did as much for his confidence as anything else. To think that the man trusted him enough to handle it on his own was something that helped him several times during Myron’s questions.

There was no mistaking the impact of his words either. They had to stop several times for Myron to go out and wash his face and collect himself. Both he and Josh had seen how angry he felt and how helpless too. Yet here he was several hours later smiling and even chuckling with glee at the by play between the Rabbi and everyone else. Maybe more important was how they included him in it too, as if it were perfectly natural for him to be there and be taken as one of them. It felt good and eased the pain inside one more notch, one more decibel.

“Huh? Uh, I uh, I don’t know, guess I never thought much about it lately.”

She had seen his eyes go back and in her heart she knew what he was thinking about. Such a poor boy she thought as her heart continued to reach out for him. It felt good to have him here though and she thanked HIM for sparing him and she thanked her husband too for being the man he was. God only knew what would be if he hadn’t been. Once more she thanked HIM for that as she set her face in a pout, determined to milk this whole round and keep them all from remembering for just a few more minutes.

“I know what he should do, he should go become a doctor, one for the head perhaps so he can treat you Abner Goldberg.”

“Me? Perhaps, after all I did marry you didn’t I? Have to have been crazy, nu?”

“Ach, how can you say such a thing?”

“Because we all know it isn’t true dear, but seriously, perhaps we should discuss this, after all it is for them too, no?”

“Yes but, Abner, are you serious? It would be nice but…”

Josh just couldn’t contain himself anymore. All this joking around was just a ruse and he knew that his parents were thinking of something serious despite it all. For a minute he thought it was just a routine but he could see how they looked at each other. There was something more to it than just making a time out for them and he had a feeling that it was his fault too. Somehow he knew that what was happening had seriously changed his father’s outlook and he could see it being reflected in his mother’s face too. He had to know and leaned forward, giving in finally to his desire to know.

“What are you two talking about? Don’t you want to be a Rabbi anymore, Papa?”

He turned towards his eldest boy and his chosen partner. He could see how Robbie held Josh’s hand and for a minute he wondered why he had never seen how similar Joshua was to him? Why hadn’t he seen the same seriousness in his eyes that he too once had? Maybe more than that, why hadn’t he seen that his son was no different in his love for Robbie then he was for his Adele? Too much being the old Rabbi is why, and at least he knew that now.

“I do and I don’t, I doubt if things will change whether I stay on the job or off it. I can’t go back to the old way, not anymore.”

It was a dream a long time ago, but as she looked at him she wondered if maybe he was just tired? All this meshugassism had made him feel a bit dejected and maybe a small holiday was all he needed. Somehow as much as she thought it would be nice to have a small little shop or something, she knew in her heart that his place was as being a Rabbi. Who could do it better?

“So, can’t you go back as the new you? Abner this is for keeps, it would be awfully hard to return to being a Rabbi later on.”

“I know, but this feels right dear.”

“Uh, what feels right?”

“Well, a long time ago we thought it would be nice to have a small shop, a place for us to shmooze⁹, to meet people and just kibitz¹⁰ some, a nice little place where we can serve real home cooking, and we all know how your Mamma likes to cook…”

“Who said I liked it? I do it because you men would starve otherwise. Remember the poor potatoes?”

“They were tasty none the less.”

“What there were of them.”

“Ach, so they were a bit small, but you know you enjoy cooking and baking.”

She knew him too well and he her. Adele could see it in his eyes the way he looked at her and at the boys too. He was trying to protect them, to take away the risk that continuing on as the Rabbi might bring to them. In her heart she wished at times he had been anything else but a Rabbi and at times she even knew he regretted his choice, but not now. This was really why he had taken that path, if he had been a shopkeeper could he have had such an effect on anyone, never mind Robbie? No, this was his job, his reason, and it was her duty to see he didn’t turn away from God’s chosen path for him.

“I got enough cooking and baking as it is, I need more?”

“It will keep you out of trouble.”

“ME? ME? Abner Goldberg you are the one getting into trouble, I am the quiet one in this family.”

“Ach such a fibber!”

“It is true, Robbie, you tell them, I am the quiet one, yes?”

All this talk about changing jobs, about cooking was simply amazing to him. They had just watched a show that finally put the Rabbi’s side out in the open and here he was talking about doing something else. In some ways he could understand it, after all who wanted to always be bucking the status quo and yet, in some ways that was exactly what he and Joshua would be doing. If the Rabbi had enough would he find it that way as well later on? Would Josh?

“Uh, can I plead the 5th?”

“Nein, this isn’t the states, no 5th here boychik.”

“In that case, I uh, I plead temporary insanity? I think I know a doctor who would agree?”

Her heart swelled with pride at Robbie’s comments. He was on the way to recovery for certain now, otherwise how could he joke about such things? it did him good to laugh at himself and her grin was one of pride. As she looked at him she could see his own smile and she knew that he would be a wonderful partner for her Joshua. He had such love inside and now at last it would show. What more could a mother ask for in a son-in-law?

“Ach, Joshua you should have told us he was such a diplomat, that sweetie of yours. You tell your Papa then.”

“Uh I think I’ll let Joel tell him, I ain’t getting into this one.”

“Oh sure, leave it to me.”

“Hey it’s the price for being the youngest.”

“Not my fault that Mama didn’t want more kids.”

“Yes it is, one look at you was enough to swear her off anymore kids.”

“That’s cause she knew no others would be as handsome.”

“Ugly more like it.”

“Mama, you gonna let him talk to me that way? I am your youngest remember?”

“Boychik you stopped being the baby of the family a long time ago, I think. Abner, you really want to do this?”

He looked at her from under his eyelids and he knew what she was thinking. In some ways she might be right, it might simply be that he was tired but he didn’t think so. In his heart he felt a bit out of place with all this notoriety and yet in some way it also felt good. He didn’t want to be in the spotlight and he certainly knew it wouldn’t help his boys either. He did have to take them into account as he leaned back in the chair, trying to gather his words, when Robbie spoke up. Everyone turned towards him, which made him glance at them all and then lower his head a bit, as if he weren’t sure yet of his place with them all. The Rabbi’s heart reached out for him, as he knew what the boy had gone through and what still lay ahead for him. It was partly that which weighed heavy on his soul.

“Uh Rabbi, can I ask you something?”

“Rabbi? Sure, her you call Mama, me it is Rabbi, and just what does she have that I don’t?”

“Haha, well for starters she makes a wicked strudel…”

“Ach see Adele, you are a magician in the kitchen and you wonder why I think a nice little shop with your cooking would succeed?”

“Oh hush Abner, let the boy ask his question, go on Robbie, what is it?”

“Well, okay, maybe I shouldn’t… I mean…”

She could see his hesitation as if he still weren’t quite sure if he belonged. There was no way she was going to let him off the hook. He had taken a big step just now and she knew it was important for him and for her Joshua too. There was no mistaking how he held onto Robbie’s hand and how he looked at him. If they were to really be a family, he had to know he was accepted. Even Joel she saw waited patiently for him to talk, as if it were perfectly natural for him to be involved in this. It did her good to see and she glanced back at her husband, her eyes telling him ‘See, this is what you do’ and he grinned a little as she gently pushed Robbie ahead.

“Robbie, you remember our talk last night? Before I knew how these men had butchered my poor potatoes?”

“Yes.”

“So? Ask…”

He looked into her eyes and the words came back to him in a flash. She had meant it then and meant it now and he relaxed a little, feeling that at last he really was at home. This was how it was supposed to be and he knew in his heart that they were his family, no matter what he said or didn’t say. It gave him the courage and confidence to finally be who he always wanted to be, a son.

“Well… it is just, I mean I don’t know much about what a Rabbi is or anything, I am not sure but I know it is something important. I guess that maybe all this stuff happening has taken its toll, maybe it is too much but then I remember you telling me something, that HE only gave us what HE knew we could handle, just that well, just that sometimes we didn’t realize it. I know that you could probably be a great shop keeper or whatever else you wanted to do, but I know, I mean in here, in my heart, I know that no one could be better at being a Rabbi than you.”

“That is nice to say Robbie, but there are many other fine men who are Rabbis and…”

“No please, let me finish. I am sure there are… Papa… but none of them could have made me want to live. I doubt if any of them would even have tried like you have. I don’t know, maybe it is because you are Josh’s father too, but I don’t think so. You did something not just for me, but look around, look at what you did for Neil? You made him think, maybe he will come around maybe not, but no one else would have done that. Hell, sorry, but you even got Myron to reach out and change, you have a whole bunch of people talking about things that they would never even dare think about let alone talk about and all because you are a Rabbi. A shopkeeper couldn’t do that, and well, I think you have more things to say, and I think a lot of other kids like me need to hear them.”

“He’s right Papa, you have done a lot without maybe realizing it.”

There was a tear in his eyes as he stared first at Robbie and Josh and then at Joel. Even she had a tear or two he could see as his youngest boy spoke up. So young and yet so wise too. He knew they wanted what was best for him but they didn’t realize what a toll it could be for them, not him. He was old and past that but they had their whole lives still ahead. How could he not worry about that? It was his job as a father and maybe that was a more important role than being the Rabbi was?

“Joel you don’t, if I keep on doing this, it will be rough on you and your Mama and yes even for Robbie and Joshua, don’t you see kinder? For me to keep on being a Rabbi now, I couldn’t go back to being the diplomat, the go between, and that would mean perhaps more of this nonsense, you are all my family, I can’t put you through that.”

“Papa… isn’t that for us to decide?”

“Maybe Joshua, still I am the parent here, sometimes…”

He didn’t feel hesitant anymore. Robbie knew in his heart that at last he was a part of this family and inside, where it counted, he knew that Abner was a Rabbi. He might not know it but then he didn’t have to know it. He just had to feel it and he leaned forward, the warmth of Joshua’s hand in his only adding to his strength and his conviction.

“But you are also a Rabbi… you told me things happen for a reason, maybe all this was so you could reach others? So that you could maybe, I don’t know, maybe so that you would make people think more, you did at that board meeting, many changed their minds because of what you said, the news even has changed because of that, and who knows how many more might have a different opinion now that they have seen the whole truth?”

“Or maybe it is to tell me that it is time to change jobs too?”

“Maybe, but you said that sometimes we have to have faith when our minds tell us one thing and our hearts another.”

“You been learning boychik, I am glad you were listening.”

“I am too… I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t.”

Abner felt the truth in Robbie’s quiet words. He had said it so softly and yet it was almost as if he had screamed it at him. He knew that they came from Robbie’s heart which made them all that more meaningful to him. There really was no answer to that and yet as he sat there, he felt the power of the words touching his heart.

“Well…”

“How many other’s might not be here if you stop being who you are?”

“Now Robbie, that is nice to say, it does an old man good to hear but I am just one man, one insignificant man caught in the spotlight for the moment…”

“Yes, and it was just one lost sheep, too, until it led Moses to the burning bush.”

Adele could feel the pride inside of her husband. The words were so true and it made her proud too, after all she had chosen him for her husband. The words were true even if Abner couldn’t quite see it yet. He had come this far for a reason, of that she was certain, and now she had an inkling of just what that purpose was. Somehow she knew that HE had a hand in all this and while she wasn’t too thrilled with some of it, she had to admit, it was one hell of a plan.

“Ach I think I know now what you should be Robbie, a good lawyer. Would be nice to have in the family, yes Abner?”

“Haha, always the Jewish mother nu? He will be what he wants to be without any interference from you my shaineh maidel¹¹.”

“Papa?”

“Yes, Joel?”

“He is right Papa.”

“Ach Joel, I wish it were that simple.”

“Isn’t it papa? You always say that knowing what is right is simple, doing it is what is hard, yes?”

“See Abner, you have taught them well, don’t you owe it to them to keep on doing it?”

“You all know what it could mean if I do?”

“I do.”

Abner stared at Robbie and looked deep into the dark brooding eyes. There was something different in them as he stared, and he felt it in his heart because what he saw wasn’t pain or sorrow anymore. He saw love and courage and it made his heart beat a little easier. Somehow he knew and as he looked at Robbie, he felt the pride that only a father could feel for a son. He just nodded as he realized that it was as they had said. He was a Rabbi, nothing could really change that.

The phone ringing startled them all and he turned with an angry look at the offending instrument. In his heart he believed them but the battle within was still raging as he reached for the phone and answered it. His face took on a strange look as he listened to the voice on the other end. Everyone in the room was staring at him as he listened to the woman’s voice and in that second he knew that Robbie had indeed been right. How could he not be who he was created to be? He was chosen to be a Rabbi as he told Marilyn Schellenberg that he would be happy to meet with her in the morning.