Chapter 48

Abner

Abner smiled as he heard another pot go ‘clank’ and he knew that his wife was still at it in the kitchen. She had headed straight for her domain the instant they had gotten in the door and the noise was something to rival the worst thunderstorm on the prairies he thought. How she could think in such a racket was beyond him but he knew her well enough to make sure he stayed well out of her way. He had firmly instructed the boys to stay clear not wishing any of them to cross her in her time of reflection, as she called it. To him it was her baroygis¹ mode, which he’d never dare say to her. She was a wonderful woman but when angry he learned you just stayed well away and always, always agreed with whatever she said. That way you at least kept your sanity, not to mention your life.

Sitting in the big armchair, he looked around at his little study, seeing the books on the shelves, the various little knick-knacks he and Adele had collected over the years, and he wondered what tomorrow would bring him? The shock of knowing that next year he would either be somewhere else or looking hadn’t really set in yet, though judging by the increased noise from the kitchen it certainly seemed to have set in with her. A small chuckle escaped his lips as he thought about all those years with her and how he had been looking forward to Victoria being his last stop.

In some ways he had to admit that he had been looking forward to that, to just remaining here for his remaining time as the Rabbi and then quietly retiring and enjoying the beauty that was this city, this garden city of the country, as they referred to it. Well, he thought, so much for that plan but then too it wasn’t over yet really, he did still have 4 months to go and while the board might try to get a special election held, he doubted if it could happen much before his current contract expired, so he would simply do what he knew best, being the Rabbi. Strange, he should feel angry he thought or at least disappointed but he didn’t feel any of that. He just felt sort of, well to be honest, he just felt like it was no big deal.

The sound of a pot bouncing off the floor and her shriek of oiy gevald² only made the smile on his face grow a bit wider. She certainly was in rare form tonight it seemed as had been Miriam. Abner never realized how passionate that older lady could get and there was no doubt in his mind that he was happy to be here with Adele and not be in Sam’s shoes right now. Mien Gotte³ he could just imagine it now and he wondered if poor Sam had any inkling of what the next little while would be like for him? He kind of doubted it, but then such was the lot of any Jewish man with a mother still alive, and if he were unfortunate not to have one, there were plenty of other mothers who would naturally fill in for the departed one.

Strange how that worked in his religion! Everyone was such a buttinsky and yet no one really seemed to resent it too much. The older women always seemed to have a way about them, of making their blatant interference seem not only required, but desired. He shook his head wondering if the Sisterhood really could change things and then he wondered if he really wanted them to?

Suddenly he felt his body tense as he realized the question he had just asked himself. Looking around at the pictures and the books, he really did suddenly wonder if being a Rabbi was indeed what he still wanted out of life? Was it perhaps a time for a change, a time to maybe move on to something else? He and Adele had talked about life after and he knew she had this notion that they would get a little shop somewhere, where he could pontificate as she called it and she could cook. Strange, they had discussed it just before he had accepted this post, and he recalled how she had asked if this would be it, if perhaps he shouldn’t seek any long term contract. Funny but he never realized that in her own way maybe she was becoming tired of always being the Rebitsin⁴?

After all there, was a lot involved for her and she had filled the role so well for so many years that maybe now she was just tired of it all? He sat there with a deep frown now on his face wondering if perhaps all this was indeed a message or at least a sign. Could it be his time to do something else? He had always wanted to be a shop keeper, the idea of her and him running a small little shop had been a dream of theirs for many years, even perhaps before his first pulpit, so why not now? Why couldn’t he just take this opportunity and do just that? Victoria was a good tourist town and, other than the community centre, there simply wasn’t any good Jewish style restaurant around. Why not?

Adele

Another of her favourite pots went skidding out of her hands to slide along the counter and then crash to the floor. Her hands were wet from cleaning the pots and pans and she knew she should have dried them and yet, as the pan crashed to the floor, all she could think about was those toches-leckers⁵ that dared to tell her Abner what was right, what was moral. If only she had been there, she’d have told them a thing or two, which was probably why she hadn’t been allowed. That Sam, he may think he knows it all but boy was he going to learn a thing or two if Miriam had her way and Adele knew enough of her to know, she rarely didn’t get her way. Unlike Abner, she felt no pity for him, cursing him a little as she picked up the fallen roasting pan and dunked it into the sink to clean it once more.

How dare they, she thought, try to know what was right and wrong when they couldn’t even get the simple things right? To think that what some confused child spray painted on a wall could be prevented by sending him to prison was not only ridiculous but stupid as well. Abner had done the right thing but they were too pig headed to see that. Well, she and a few of the other ladies would make darn sure that they knew now. Mien Gotte to think what must be going on in some of those homes right now, she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy, well, okay maybe on one or two of them, but not all.

She glared up at the ceiling with her hands immersed in the hot soapy water and stared.

“Nu? This how you look after us? This how you encourage others to do what is right? Vai is mir!⁶ if this is how you reward those who do your will, no wonder the world is so farmisht⁷? Such meshugassism⁸, why can’t you just send them an aitzeh⁹ now and then? Would it hurt you that much to get involved with your own kinder¹⁰ a bit more?”

Her eyes were moist as she could see the look on her poor boy’s faces. The way Joel looked so angry, so mad, and then Joshua, his face showed his shock and his disbelief; but what worried her most was how her poor Robbie looked. It was almost as if he were devastated and she hoped Abner would talk to him before they went to bed. He was such a good boy, only wanting to please and he had enough tszuris¹¹, he didn’t need this too. Once more her face lifted upwards, her eyes sparkling with a mother’s indignation as she looked to HIM.

“Ach, you have to be a man, I don’t care what those women groups think, no mother could be so stubborn as you are, you must be a man, only a man could make such a mess!”

“You okay, Momma?”

The sound of her youngest made her head snap around and she saw him standing in the doorway. Thin lines of worry lined his face and her heart ached for his pain. See, she thought, as she glanced quickly upwards before taking her hands and drying them on her apron.

“See? A mother wouldn’t allow such things, you men!”

“Vo den?¹²”

“Okay, uh…”

“Come, you can help your Mama, yes? Besides it is time you started learning some of the secrets on how to please someone.”

For a second or two he felt a rage inside, thinking that she believed him to be like Joshua. Christ if even his own mother thought he was that way because of Josh, what would it be like at school? Why did Josh have to be queer? It would have been simpler if maybe that were one secret Josh had kept.

“Mama… I am not… I mean…”

The tone of Joel’s voice made her glance up at him and she knew instantly what was crossing his mind. Such foolishness these boys got at his age, but she also realized that in some ways he was right. She did wonder about him in the way he was thinking, but looking at him, at that tiny lock of hair across his forehead, she didn’t care which way he was, all she cared about was that he be a good person, a mentsh¹³.

A brief anger flashed through her heart too as she realized how scared her son was. It wasn’t right she thought, her eyes rolling heavenwards for a mere instant, it wasn’t right. Her hands reached and handed him a pot as she spoke, knowing that he had fears and doubts but that it was normal for a boy his age. It was her job to calm those fears and doubts the only way she knew how. She looked at him and smiled, wiping away the lock with her wet hand as she began her normal prattle, trying in her own way to ease the pain she could feel in his young heart.

“Voss?¹⁴ Ach you think a nice girl wouldn’t appreciate a handsome man who can cook too? Boychik, you have a lot to learn about what pleases us women folk, just like your Papa. Did you know he could make a half way decent pot roast? He can, he made me a real yontiff¹⁵ dinner once, before we were married. Mind you think your babeh¹⁶ helped him but he said she didn’t, still…”

“Papa cooks?”

“Of course, what? you think that it is women’s work only?”

“Uh no, of course not, I just never thought… I mean he can cook?”

“Yes, he can, not too badly but we won’t tell him that. I don’t want him thinking he can be in my kitchen cooking his concoctions, yes?”

“Okay Mama, I won’t tell.”

“Good, come, we shall finish the dishes together, where is Joshua and Robbie?”

“Joshua is sitting watching a movie I and uh, Robbie went to talk to Papa.”

“Yes? Good, maybe we should get Joshua in here. He needs to learn too, besides he has someone to cook for now and we don’t want him poisoning Robbie, do we? yes?”

“Haha, yes I guess, I’ll go get him…”

“Oh no, you stay and dry, I will get him.”

He watched her leave calling Joshua’s name before she was even close to the doorway. It was funny really to watch the way she could take a situation and make it seem normal when really there was nothing normal about it at all. His heart was still filled with anger and he was troubled by it too. Glancing down at the pots he kind of figured his mother was too, as the pots were always clean but here she was cleaning them all as if they were dirty. Maybe it was her way of venting and he wished he knew a way for himself.

The board was something new to him and he had been amazed at how it had gone. It bothered him because he had a lot of anger inside. For starters he thought that many of those old farts were too worried about how things looked instead of how things should be. How did they expect people’s opinions to change if no one ever challenged them? That was what his father was doing, why couldn’t they see that?

Then too, he was ashamed of admitting it, but he was kind of pissed at Robbie and Joshua for putting his father into this mess. Okay, he knew that what his dad was doing was right but Jesus, if only Josh hadn’t fallen for a troubled one like Robbie, maybe all this wouldn’t have happened? Maybe then things could be like they were; but even as he thought about it, he knew inside that it wasn’t how he really wanted things. He didn’t think Robbie was bad, hell, the guy really did come through for Josh too and he did seem to care about him, so why was he mad at him?

Joel also had to admit that he liked things the way they were now, not the way they had been because now he had his brother back. In some ways it was even better, at least they didn’t have any secrets anymore. So why did he feel resentment towards Josh and Robbie? It really wasn’t their fault but a part of him wanted to make it that way. Part of him was pissed that his dad was going to lose his job because Josh was gay, that was the bottom line of it all. He felt a bit uneasy about that and he knew his silence on the way home hadn’t helped much either. He could only guess at what Josh had to be thinking and as for Robbie, well he kind of suspected that Robbie knew how he felt. God, what if he were going to tell his dad that he wanted to leave because of that?

Shit, Joshua would kill him and he doubted if his parents would be thrilled with him. Man why couldn’t he just accept Josh and Robbie? For the life of him he thought he had, he really did think he was okay with Josh being gay and with Robbie. God what if he really wasn’t? Would Josh know and then what, would things suddenly go back to before? He knew inside he didn’t want that, but why was he feeling like this? Why did he still have such anger about Josh and Robbie? Christ, why was he trying to find excuses to blame them for all this crap when really it wasn’t them, it really wasn’t.

The whole thing wasn’t Robbie’s fault, it wasn’t like he asked to be born to some fucking asshole like his dad and it sure as hell wasn’t Joshua’s fault for falling in love with him either, at least not as he understood how that worked. So why the anger inside? Why did he resent Robbie and Josh now just because a bunch of old farts couldn’t see past their precious inter-faith connections and beyond publicity?

The sound of his mother’s voice and Joshua’s made him turn back to the sink where he began to rinse off the pots in the one sink. He felt nervous waiting for them to come in and he wondered why he had these weird thoughts. Maybe he had a flaw or something or maybe he just wished things would be normal again, or at least normal for them. All this hate stuff scared him, which maybe was the answer. Could it be simply that he was scared and so he wanted to be like the others, to find someone to blame instead of just facing it? Was he that much of a coward?

Myron

For almost an entire half hour he had sat in his car, rehearsing his speech, knowing that the instant he saw her face, he would forget it. Christ he felt like a complete wreck and yet even as he climbed out of the car, he could feel the sweat trickling down his backside. His mind couldn’t comprehend the strange emotions that were running through him and yet part of his mind still was back at the Shul¹⁷.

How could so many of them feel that the Rabbi had done anything other than his duty and job? It stunned him when Saul had read out the vote and yet he had expected it. Still it was a shock but as he had stared out at the board, it was the expression on the Rabbi’s face that stuck in his mind. There was no surprise or shock or even anger showing, but instead a sense of disappointment and regret even. Funny, for a moment he wondered if maybe this rock, this man, who had stood toe to toe with that putz¹⁸ Askew, was having second thoughts.

Myron felt troubled by the Rabbi’s expression because deep down he knew that the board’s decision had to have hurt him. It was only after the vote was announced that he really realized how much he wanted the Rabbi to win it. It felt like the life had been sucked out of him when Saul had read the vote results out. For a second or two he couldn’t look at Sam and that smug look but he was surprised this time. Sam always got a look after winning but this time, it wasn’t the same. It almost looked like he was regretting his own victory and after his mother had burst in, well the look on Sam’s face was even more intense. God, to think what he must be going through right now gave him a little bit of solace and a bit more trepidation, too.

He glanced up at the apartment building, his hand inside his jacket pocket feeling the tiny box. What if he were wrong about this? What if he was merely acting out of some strange new sense of independence or craziness even? After all he had just quit his job and had nothing to offer really. God he wasn’t exactly young or well off, his career was mediocre at best. Could he just be setting himself up or was he maybe reaching for this because he was simply lonely?

That could be it, he thought, as he walked slowly up to the front entrance of her apartment building and stared at the intercom. Could they be feeling like this simply because they were both wrapped up in the circumstances of the case and feeling alone, feeling vulnerable? It was possible and yet, the hitch in his heart when he was away from her, the constant daydreaming of her didn’t seem like it was because he was lonely. There was something about her that made him want her, which made him desire her all the more when she wasn’t around. It didn’t feel like a need to satisfy some lonely feeling but more like it was filling a hunger inside.

As his finger pressed down hard on the door buzzer he wondered what would happen if she said no? Would he feel relieved or would he feel like a total jerk or failure? What if she did say yes though, would he jump for joy or would he what? Everything was so confusing to him as he realized his finger was still pressing the buzzer that he jumped back a little. How could he even be thinking about this stuff when Robbie depended on him and the Rabbi too? How was he going to help them if he was so farmisht¹⁹ thinking about Debbie?

“Who is it? Who is there?”

The sound of her voice woke him up as he stared down at the intercom. He felt the sweat on his palms as he tied to speak but only a croaking sound came out. He felt the panic rising as he swallowed hard and then he heard his own voice echo loudly in the small alcove.

“It’s me, let me in Deb.”

“Myron? That you?”

“Yes, let me in please.”

“Of course, uh yes, come on up.”

Her voice was filled with surprise, which was strange. He had told her he’d be by after the Shul meeting so why did she sound surprised? Wasn’t she expecting him or did she think he would forget? His mind was drawing a blank as the elevator opened and as he turned to punch the floor button he suddenly realized why she was surprised. He hadn’t told her, he had merely said he would drop by later, which could mean anytime, tonight, tomorrow, and he slapped his forehead, realizing that it was later than he had first thought.

No wonder she sounded surprised and, as he waited for the door to close, he also realized that it had been in the morning, just after they had their little set too about Judge Albamere and her suspicions. My God he hadn’t even told her about the board meeting, just that he wouldn’t be by for dinner as they had planned, that he would drop by later. Oh shit, she must be pissed at him. God, what an idiot he thought as he stood on one leg then the other, his nervousness taking hold and making him appear like he had to go pee. God, was this how all men got before they popped the big question or just idiots like him?

Every part of his body began to tremble as he came closer to her floor and his moment. He could feel the drops of sweat on his forehead now and angrily he wiped them away only to have even more bead up. The pain in his chest grew too as he wondered what kind of an idiot she would think he was after he made his little speech? Christ hearing those words again in his head only made his stomach turn. Maybe he should just not say anything? Maybe he could put this off till he had thought it through better or was he just trying to make excuses again?

So many doubts were raging inside that he barely noticed that he was here. His feet seemed to have lead in them as he shuffled out of the elevator towards her apartment door and his heart felt like it would burst. So many doubts, so many fears that he thought he should just turn and run away but he couldn’t. His eyes glanced up and he saw her standing at the door. In that instant his doubts and fears disappeared as he felt a strange warmth come over him. Every part of him tingled now as he felt a lightness inside. The sweet scent of her perfume seemed to fill his nostrils as he saw her standing there, and he knew that he couldn’t put it off any longer, as his feet moved forward faster. All he could think of now was how wonderful she looked and how much he needed her.

Walter & Sharon

His face was downcast and sad looking as he stared blankly at the empty room. He couldn’t quite explain the strange feelings that were inside of him as he just stared outwards, feeling so empty. Walter sat there, his hands on the arms of the chair and his head tilted downward but at an angle. He could see the mantle and the rows of trophies that lined them. If asked he could name what each one was and for which of his boys; only now, there would be no more trophies to add to the mantle, no more dates to remember because he had no boys now.

It hurt deep inside and he couldn’t stop the pain from ripping at him. Each breath that he took only made him hurt more. Each beat of his heart felt like it would burst and explode and yet it kept on beating somehow. His mind was filled with sorrow as he looked at each trophy, remembering moments that had all led up to one of his boys receiving that piece of glitter. There was Robbie’s little league trophy for MVP in the playoffs when he had almost single handily gotten them into the world championships but had come up short. How proud he had been of Robbie then, how he had told Justin to be like him and now neither of them were there to hear his words, neither of them were there to make him proud any more.

The pain was almost unbearable and yet he knew he had to bear it, to get through each day. Walter just didn’t know how he could but as he finally turned away from the past glories, he felt her eyes on him and turned to look back at her. She was his rock; the one who had always given him the strength he needed and once more he reached out for that strength, knowing it would be there.

“That picture of Justin on the news tonight…”

“Yes?”

“You chose a good one, he looked so natural in that one.”

She looked up from her lap and stared into his eyes. There was no mistaking his pain, a pain she shared with him. The loss of poor Justy was almost unbearable for her but one she had to endure, if for no other reason than for Walter. His pain was so evident that it made her want to cry. All that they had done had simply vanished in one single night. There would be no more feet running down the hall or noise of a chair being scraped on the floor, as a young boy rushed to go outside to play. All that had been taken from them in a flash without any explanation or reason.

Her hands were still as she saw that picture that Walt liked. It was just like Justin and to her it captured who he was. How proud he had been that day as he posed for the photograph. His hair was mussed as it always seemed to be but that was him, always on the go, always rushing. The shirt was partially tucked in to the deep blue shorts, partially hanging out on one side. God he was such a handsome young man and now he was gone, no longer able to please, no longer able to smile or laugh.

She quickly shunted the growing pain and despair aside. Her husband needed her strength and there just wasn’t time for her to wallow in the self pity or agonize over the loss she felt. Justin had been her favourite really, she felt he knew that but still she wished she had told him that. Now it was too late to tell him anything, as she spoke quietly and calmly to her husband.

“I know, they wanted a different one but I insisted, it was my favourite of him.”

“I remember, he was so happy too… Sharon…”

“Yes, Walt?”

He marvelled at how strong she was. The way she could keep her focus and do what was needed. Take the funeral, he couldn’t begin to understand all that was needed but she had it all arranged already. They had the plot picked out by a nice tree, some shade and sun. She had arranged with Pastor Deke’s wife for the refreshments for after the service and cemetery. Hell she even had arranged with a party supply house for extra cups, saucers, plates and everything that would be delivered early in the morning so she could set it all up before they had to leave for the funeral. Everything was arranged; even the clothes were already picked out and at the dry cleaners, certain to be ready well before they would be needed.

The Pastor had even remarked on her ability as he should. She was a marvel really and he thanked God for giving her to him. He doubted if he could ever have become the man and father he was if it hadn’t been for her and her unbending love for him. How lucky he was and yet he still felt empty, felt beaten really, if he were to tell the truth. To lose Justin this way was like someone had carved out part of his heart. A heart already ripped by the betrayal of his eldest son. How she managed to cope with all that and then Justin too was beyond him, as he stared at her, tears brimming in his eyes.

“We did right didn’t we? I mean in bringing them up?”

“Of course we did, you can’t blame yourself Walter, you were the best father any boy could ask for.”

“Are you sure? Maybe I could have done more? I mean, well… Robbie, look how he turned out? Where did I go wrong with him, Sharon? I always thought he’d be someone special, not a… not a queer.”

She too had wondered about that. Perhaps they had pushed the lessons a bit too much on Robbie and yet, well he obviously needed the help. Still it did make her wonder a bit, but she couldn’t tell that to Walter, it would devastate him. Her eyes softened as the thoughts of all that had happened flashed before her. There had been Robbie’s young friend dying, when things seemed to change for him. Maybe they should have put him in counselling or something but he did seem to adjust shortly afterwards.

It was all so horrible to have someone you know be hit by such trouble. The government was so quick to blame the parents when all they had done was try to raise their boys the best they could. Mind you the father was a bit of a fool in her opinion and he certainly didn’t have much respect for tradition either. She on the other hand was too focused on that religion stuff, that ‘will of God’ hocus-pocus. God didn’t want his creations to sit back and let him do the work, he expected more from them than that, but Cory’s mom never could see it that way.

Still it didn’t go and give the government any cause to accuse them. Why even Walt had tried to help the young boy and, according to Walt, he had shown some promise. He had told her what a wonderful student he was, always willing and eager to please too, which showed you, given the right education and teacher you could really do something positive for someone. Mind you, Walt never knew what she knew, and she would never tell him either.

At first she had thought that it was as they claimed, that they were merely doing some homework; but the look in that young Treat boy’s face told her otherwise. Somehow he had missed the point, somehow he had gone wrong and she was afraid he would infect Robbie and now it looked like he had. She damned him silently in her heart, as she tried to keep her mind on Walt and his needs. After all he was the man and it was her duty, her obligation as his wife to support him in this, his time of need.

“I know, but you did your best, honest you did.”

“But then why? Why did he turn on us like this? How can he be, I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have given him so many lessons, maybe that confused him too much?”

“You did what you thought best Walter, you can’t blame yourself for him becoming some deviant, you know that.”

He had lain awake many nights wondering about this, wondering what had happened that had taken his Robbie and turned him into one of them? How could he have not seen it coming? Surely they were close as a father and son could be, but he had totally missed it. Now he wondered about Justin too, if maybe there was a flaw in his parenting skills that caused all this grief. If it were his fault, he needed to know, how else could he insure it didn’t happen again with Neil or one of the other boys entrusted into his care?

“I suppose, still… it makes you wonder, I mean, do you think Justin ever… I mean…”

“NO! No Walter, Justin would have been a credit to you, dear. He was well on his way to being all we hoped for, until his accident…”

“I know, but still, I mean if Robbie could change like that, isn’t it possible that Justin…”

It was a thought that terrified her but she couldn’t let him know it. To think that both of her boys could become something so vile as that made her whole body quake with fear. No, there was no possible way that Justin ever had such deviant thoughts, she would have known it, would have seen it.

Ever since that episode with Robbie and that young, crazy Treat boy, she had been on the watch for it. Careful in not letting Walt know but she kept a close eye on both boys. Her greatest fear of course had been that time Tommy had called. It had almost given her a heart attack but she had talked to Justin about it afterwards. She knew that this was not some perversion. Robbie may already have gone over to the dark side then, but at least her Justin hadn’t. To him it was practise; homework and she could see that was true by looking into his eyes. Besides, Justin could never lie to her like Robbie could.

Looking over at her husband she could see his fear. If he only could realize how important it was that he not be discouraged, he would rest so much easier. What he did for the boys in his care was simply amazing, if not a miracle really. He took awkward young boys and taught them how to be men, how to please women and treat them with respect, with dignity too. He taught them important values such as family, honour, and courage. No, her husband was a saint really at how he gave so much of his time to the boys and yet no one appreciated it. Robbie never did and even her Justin seemed resentful at times but then that was Robbie’s influence. No, Walt was a good man who fought the war against evil in the trenches. He put his own life’s blood into each boy that he supervised and took under his care so it was her duty to support him, to keep him focused on what he had to do. She couldn’t let him feel like he had failed, she couldn’t.

“NO! I am positive of that Walt; there is no way Justin would ever choose that type of …of behaviour. He was all boy, all Fisher like you are. Robbie… Robbie was weaker than Justin, Walt. He was easily led astray, you know how he was, look at him now, living with them, yet we both warned him about those kind. It isn’t your fault dear, Robbie is just, just not strong enough. Justin on the other hand, Justy was a strong boy, Walt, he took after you in that regards. You have no need to fear that he would have become anything like Robbie.”

He really wanted to believe her, to trust in her words, but nothing matched, nothing fit the puzzle like it should. There was something about that Rabbi that frightened him when he had looked at him. It wasn’t that he was a brute or anything really powerful but something in how he stood, in his eyes even that made him cringe a little. It was almost like looking into the face of someone at peace with life and with God. Uncanny was how he described it to himself but it was more than that. The way even young Neil felt after just a brief time with him showed him that. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but when he looked at the Rabbi, whether it was on television or in person, he felt guilty, as if he had done something wrong and that the man he was looking at knew it.

“I wonder…”

She had never seen Walt like this before. Tears were in his eyes and the odd one escaped his iron control to roll unheeded down his cheek. This wasn’t her Walter and it frightened her a bit. Everything that was happening lately seemed to be so confused, so unnatural. Pastor Deke arguing with her was just one more of those strange occurrences that she wished would go away. The way Neil’s mother had looked at her and then Walter earlier today too had been another. Many of their friends seemed so hesitant lately, that she felt disjointed, unsure of herself even; but to have it effect Walt was making her tremble with fear.

“Don’t.”

“I can’t help it Sharon, I mean… he was so quiet these last few years, more so this year than last, I mean…”

“He was just 16 Walt, he was upset by Robbie’s obvious changes, and he worried a lot, he did want to please you so much.”

Her words were comforting but they didn’t ease the doubts inside. He knew that something was changing with his Justin and it just wasn’t Robbie’s obvious choice to become one of them either. It was something more than that and though he had never told her, he suspected that Justin wasn’t comfortable with the lessons, wasn’t really trying to learn from them, like he used to. It was all so confusing to him and now this, to lose him before he could even begin to reach his potential as a young man, as the next heir to the Fisher family, haunted him. How could God take away his pride and joy like this? How could God have let him die alone in the arms of some sinner like his older brother? Where was God’s mercy and justice?

“I know, and he did too, maybe I should have told him that more, maybe that would have helped… I just don’t… I mean…”

“I know, but he knew. He was your son Walter, he knew how you felt, he knew how to be a real Fisher, not like Robbie. He was nothing like Robbie, hear? Nothing!”

“I know, then why Sharon? Why didn’t he come to me or to you? Why did he go there?”

“I don’t know, I suppose that maybe the pain made him delirious or something, it isn’t important why anyhow, what is important is that those two… those Jews did nothing to help our son, nothing! This world is crazy, no one seems to care anymore.”

“Some do, that TV guy seems to. He did a good piece on Justin and he has asked a lot of questions too, he said that he had heard that they might try to fire that Rabbi, the boy’s father.”

The idea that some justice might come from all this helped but still she felt that emptiness inside of her. She still felt the loneliness of not having her Justin or being able to know that soon he would come rushing into the house, his hair all tussled, his cheeks flushed, with his latest escapade. All that had been taken from her and all she could think about was that woman’s face that greeted her. How dare she act like she could understand, she couldn’t, never in a million years but she pretended she did. Typical of them she thought and yet, even as the idea whirled in her head, she knew it wasn’t really true. She knew deep down inside in a long lost forgotten part of her soul that the evil wasn’t really where she thought it was.

Despite that weakness of that voice long lost and forgotten, she still could hear it now and then, which only fuelled her anger. Why couldn’t those voices let her alone now? Wasn’t it bad enough that in a few days she would bury her only real son? Wasn’t it bad enough that her rock, her safe harbour was crumbling before her very eyes? What did God want from her? Hadn’t she done his work willingly and without complaint? Why had he done this to her now? Why?

Her anger boiled over as she stared back at Walter, seeing his confusion and his doubts. Inside the rage became like hardened steel as she saw Adele’s face too, saw the eyes and saw the recognition within them. Damn her she thought, as she spat out her retort to the news of what might happen to that precious meddling old fool.

“They should string him up is what they should do, raising two boys like that who don’t know the first thing about being men. Well, I hope they do fire him and kick them out; they should kick them all out!”

“Pastor Deke seems to like them.”

“He has to, I thought he’d be different though, shows you that you just can’t tell anymore.”

“I guess… Sharon… I still please you don’t I?”

The question surprised her and she glanced more intently at his face. There was no mistaking his look or his worry either. In so many ways, he was just like a small boy wanting to know if he done good. Justin used to have that look for the longest time too but he grew out of it, just as Robbie had. Walt always seemed to have it, though, and it made him special to her. She smiled at him and lowered her face a little, hiding the small blush that was creeping into her cheeks. He always did know how to reach her when she needed it the most. To know he still worried about this stuff only made her feel more of a woman than ever.

“Of course you do dear, no one could have been any better.”

“I do try, just that sometimes I think maybe I try too hard.”

“You do fine Walt, more than fine, it is so much better than at first, really it is.”

“I am glad. I know that sometimes the boys feel, I mean… I guess they never really understood how important it is… that Neil, he is coming along but even he still doesn’t quite understand it.”

“Well considering his upbringing, are you surprised?”

“No I guess not, but he has improved a lot since he first started.”

“You should get an award Walter. I am serious, you should for all the effort you put into teaching those boys, not just ours but all of them. One day, mark my words; they will recognize you for your work on trying to make men out of these boys. I know how hard it has to be for you.”

“It isn’t easy, you have to be so tough at times, even when they are crying and begging for you to stop. You have to show them how to be men, not just tell them but really show them. My God how Justin used to cry, but he learned, didn’t he Sharon?”

“Yes he did, he was all man our Justy.”

“Yes. Neil is getting there too, he hardly whimpers now, more of a grunt really.”

“He will be a fine young man when you are finished moulding him.”

“You think so?”

“Yes, of course you will have to keep a close eye on him. His mother has some strange notions you know.”

“True, she was so distraught at the police station, and can you believe it, she actually wanted to thank that… that Rabbi person.”

“Oh I can believe it, her kind is like that. She should have gotten on her knees and kissed your feet, why if you hadn’t been there I bet poor Neil would still be in that awful jail.”

“More than likely… still it was strange, don’t you think?”

“Strange? What was dear? Her wanting to thank him or what?”

“That Rabbi, letting Neil off like that? It wasn’t in character for his kind, why do you think he did it?”

It had bothered her too, the way he had veered from his predicted path. They always demanded an eye for an eye and his actions were definitely out of character for his sort. Still maybe in fact it was exactly in character; after all they were noted for their devious ways. Why all you had to do was see how his own son had manipulated and mesmerized poor innocent Robbie into thinking he was a deviant. Worse was that they actually did believe it was normal, that such sinful actions were all part of God’s wondrous design. If that didn’t prove how evil their kind was, nothing could.

“Why? I don’t know really, they are so tricky though, devious sort you know? I guess it was a trick of some kind, maybe to try and change their image in the news even?”

“Could be, mind you it didn’t seem to work. That report tonight was good, I think a lot more people are going to want some answers from those two boys… I know I do.”

“Yes, but you know how it works, those Kind always manage to slip out of it. I doubt if anyone will ever get the truth out of them.”

“I just don’t understand Robbie though, how can he even still be with them? I know he fell onto the wrong path but Justin was his brother, how could he be with THEM after what they let happen to poor Justin?”

“He is brainwashed Walter, they do that I hear.”

“Maybe we could get one of those, what do they call them? De something, deprogrammers?”

Sharon relaxed a little now as they had moved on past the darkness that seemed to have come over her husband and herself. Least now they were on solid ground where they knew who their enemy really was. Walter’s voice had a bit more strength to it too, which made her smile a little. He couldn’t help but notice that as he too let his muscles relax. No more did he lean forward in the chair looking like someone ready to bolt. Now at least he looked a bit more like her Walter, her husband.

The idea too of maybe doing something that could bring Robbie back to her as hers was appealing but in her heart she knew it wouldn’t work. She knew instinctively that he was lost to them but she couldn’t really tell Walter that. How could she tell him that his turning to the dark side had begun a long time ago with that Treat boy? If she did he might not understand why she hadn’t told him then but in all honesty, she really had believed Robbie. Only now did she know the truth and it would do Walter no good to know it, at least not now. Maybe some time later, when they had gotten over this terrible tragedy, but not now.

“We could, it might be an idea but I think he is lost to us Walter. I know it hurts you to accept that, but I don’t think we stand a chance in getting our Robbie back, they have had him in their control for too long I think.”

“I suppose you are right, you always are.”

“I try dear, it isn’t easy you know.”

“I do, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you Sharon. I don’t know what I would do without you, even now, with the boys gone, I only make it through because of you”

“That is sweet, you always know what to say to comfort me Walt. It is too bad that Justin didn’t make it, he would have made you and me proud I think. He really was becoming more like you each day.”

He really did feel a lot better after talking to her and yet still there was that nagging doubt in the back of his mind. Nothing he did could ever seem to shake that dread and that uncertainty that he felt. In some ways it was like a constant flashing light that intruded on his vision, clouding his judgement a little or maybe it was like a warning light? Only trouble with that was he really hadn’t a clue as to what it could be trying to warn him about.

Everything he had done, he had done for her and the boys. Nothing else could ever drive him like that one goal of making her proud and of making his boys worthy of her pride and love. Still something kept gnawing away at him as he sat there, looking at her smiling face. She really was a radiant woman when she wanted to be and he thanked God again for giving her to him, wishing only that he could have done more. If only he could have given her success with the boys, which would have been a crowning achievement worthy of her, but God in his infinite wisdom had denied him that. Why he didn’t know and maybe it was that which ate at his soul?

“I still wish I could have reached Robbie too. It is so hard to fail in something as important as this. I don’t know if I could have gone on, if you hadn’t been by my side.”

“I always will be Walter, you know that.”

“I do.”

Robbie

For a few minutes or maybe even longer, they had sat there watching the television saying nothing. He had seen the look that Joel had given them both and he could feel his resentment as well. Funny but he didn’t seem surprised by that either, almost as if he expected it. Joshua on the other hand still seemed to be in shock from it all, unsure of how to react or even how to feel about it. Somehow though Robbie knew that Joshua would wind up blaming himself, even though it wasn’t his fault in the least. If anyone was to blame it was him, just as he knew Joel thought.

He sat there staring at the screen wondering what it was that made him so evil? He had to be, even though she had said he wasn’t, but she didn’t know him like he knew himself. She had no way of knowing all of his secrets, secrets that he still kept closely guarded in the deepest parts of his soul. If she had known, maybe she wouldn’t have been so quick to say he was good, to say it wasn’t his fault.

A twinge came to him from the healing wrists as he wrestled with his thoughts and he could feel the blackness lurking within him. He sat rigid as he desperately tried to hold it back and keep it from once more gaining a hold over him. He had been that route and as much as believed himself to be responsible for all the grief that had come to the Goldbergs he had also come to desire to live. Why, he wasn’t really sure, but that spark that he thought had been long extinguished burned hotly inside of him still. It had risen from the dead really and he knew it was only due to Joshua and his family.

The darkness was there, as he could feel its pull even now. Just sitting there he could feel it calling to him, urging him to come back to it but he held on. His hand had moved from next to him and reached out to touch the warm skin of Joshua. Robbie felt Joshua start and turn to look at him, then he felt the hand reaching back to grab hold of his and wrap the fingers around it. The hot flesh held him tight and he sighed a little, relaxing back into the soft cushion of the sofa, feeling the pull of the darkness weaken as he held hands with his lover.

Strange how such a simple thing like touching or holding hands could make all the difference in the world on how one felt. Nothing else seemed to matter now as he held Joshua’s hand tightly, feeling the heat pressing deep down, even into the marrow of his bones. It soothed the jangled nerves and he sighed a bit, letting some of the tension escape from his tortured soul. His brooding eyes sought out the tall silent figure next to him and he marvelled at how handsome Joshua looked, amazed that he could even consider such things at a time like this. His eyes moved away from Joshua’s profile to look over at Joel.

Robbie could see his eyes darting every few seconds over to where he and Joshua sat. He just looked at him seeing the confusion and anger mingled together in the younger boy’s face. There too was a smouldering anger inside that he had caused, a resentment that he knew was his fault and yet that too seemed to give him comfort in some twisted way. His heart beat a little faster as he felt Joel’s anger reaching for him, but he didn’t run this time, he didn’t flinch.

At last his eyes locked with Joel’s and for a minute or maybe two they stared at each other. ‘I am here Joel, I am not going to run this time. I am sorry but I am here’ echoed softly in his head as he looked into Joel’s face, hearing Joel’s anger thundering next to his own heart. He could feel the pain as well, feel it twisting and knifing deep into his heart but he didn’t run, he didn’t flinch from what was his due. There was no doubt really inside of him that he was responsible, that he was to blame for all the trouble but this time he refused to run, refused to be a coward.

The noises from the kitchen seemed to grow louder and even Joshua stirred a little by the sounds. His eyes grew heavy as he realized that he had to do something to end this cycle of pain that he was causing. Deep down inside he wasn’t sure what it was but he couldn’t let it continue, not to these people. Joshua had given him life and the rest of Josh’s family had given him a reason for living that life, he owed them, and as Joel left for the kitchen, he too stood up and headed down the hallway towards the Rabbi’s small study.

His heart was heavy because as much as he loved Joshua and the others he knew what he had to do. It wouldn’t be easy and it terrified him really but inside he felt there were no other choices left. It would be better if he talked to the Rabbi first, at least he would understand and maybe help one more time. The pain in his chest grew heavier as he came to the study door and stood there for a second or two, staring inside.

Robbie could see the short man sitting in the big chair, a thin smile across his lips actually, which surprised him a bit. How could he be smiling at a time like this he wondered, but before he could answer, he saw the man’s head turn and stare up at him. The eyes gleamed with a strange happiness and all he could feel was a warmth that made him shudder a bit and then calm him down. He stepped inwards feeling suddenly very much like a small child coming to confess some childish transgression, knowing that it would receive a kind reception and not a harsh rebuke.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course boychik, come, sit down, we can talk a little. Maybe by then she will have calmed down and who knows, maybe we’ll have a little nosh²⁰.”

“I suppose…”

He had known that eventually Robbie would come to him, how he wasn’t really sure but he knew. It was almost as if tonight’s meeting had lifted a weight from him and he could see things clearer. For starters he knew that being a Rabbi was more than attending Shul or meetings, and that for him it could no longer be confined to just one synagogue or section of the community. He had no idea how things would go; but looking at Robbie, he knew his work was only beginning. Something had guided him these last few days and he was now at peace with his own decisions. All he had to do was pass that on.

Perhaps this was the calm before the storm he thought as he watched the tall young boy slowly enter his study. He could see the eyes darting to the books and everywhere but at him. There was no mistaking his anxiety and he felt the love inside welling up, trying to reach the frightened boy.

“Sit kind²¹, it is okay, I have been waiting for you.”

“Huh? How did you, I mean you have?”

“Of course, you are no different than Joshua or Joel, when they are troubled, eventually they find their way to their Papa.”

For a second before coming in he thought that he would be in for a rough time. That perhaps the Rabbi would resent him now that his whole future was in doubt and the soft voice, the kind look was surreal to him. How could this man not hate him or at least not be angry with him for all the trouble he had caused? It just didn’t make sense to him, as he tried to figure it out, hearing the words but still feeling amazed that he was included in such a manner.

“But I am not… I mean…”

“Ach, still with that meshugassism²² huh? Boychik²³ you are as much my kinder²⁴ as they are, we have been through a lot together, yes?”

“Yes but…”

“But nothing boychik, that makes us who we are. It is the bond we have, you and I, we made that bond not that long ago, I agree, but it is a bond we made in blood, no?”

His heart grew still as he heard the soft gentle words being spoken. He still had that dream, that small dream where he was fighting to explain it, to try and make sense of what he had done and yet looking at the Rabbi he knew he knew, just as he had known that time in the garden at the hospital. How could he have known then still perplexed him, but then, looking into his eyes he knew the truth. It hadn’t been a dream, he had really felt the power of the man’s faith touch him and he knew that in that instant he had wanted to try.

“I thought I dreamed that… how could, I mean…”

“It is HIS will Robbie, who are you and I to question it? Yes?”

“How can you… I don’t understand this, I thought it was just a dream, but if you know of it, how could it be? How?”

It was a question he asked himself many times since, as well. How could he have felt that boy’s pain so easily, as if he were actually listening to the beat of the heart explain it all to him. It had scared him and he had recoiled inside from being able to know such details as those that had come rushing to him but now, now he felt like he had some of the answers. Not all mind you, just some of it which maybe was enough for now.

Looking at Robbie now he knew that for whatever reason, he had been given an amazing gift. It had to be from HIM because nothing else on earth could do such a thing and yet even now it still frightened him a little. He wondered if he were up to the task, if he had the courage to do what was expected, but then, looking into Robbie’s face he knew he had no choice. HIS will was HIS and who was he to argue with that?

There was so much that he didn’t know and yet staring at Robbie, he could feel the certainty of one thing, that he was there to help and that it was his duty, his responsibility to take this poor tortured soul and help guide it back to HIM. How he wasn’t sure, but he knew inside that this was what he had been trained for, that this was perhaps his whole purpose in being. He shivered at that notion and even felt a bit daunted by it, but then his faith rose within him and calmed his fears.

“I don’t know, but things happen for a reason. Sometimes we can figure it out, other times, eh, we can’t. Doesn’t mean there is no reason for it, just that we aren’t as smart as we thought.”

“You really believe that?”

“I do! I forget it at times and question, some say it is natural for us Jews to question HIM, maybe, all I know is that there is a reason. What it is, well, in time HE will tell us.”

“I don’t see that, I am sorry Rabbi…”

“Rabbi? Ach, such formality, if you must call me something, call me Abner.”

“I can’t, you… you are more like… I can’t call you that, it isn’t right.”

“What then? Nu? What would you call me if you had your choice of any word?”

“Papa… like Josh does… but…”

Tears welled up in his eyes as he cocked his head to one side to look at Robbie. He could see the hunger there, the almost maniacal desire to please that lay hidden behind those brooding eyes and he felt it touch his heart. Robbie may not know it, but he had given him the greatest gift any man could ever ask for. It humbled him too, as he knew that whatever small things he had done that made Robbie feel this way weren’t really from him, but were a gift from the true Father. How mysterious it all was and yet how wonderful it could be. He smiled and beamed with pride as he spoke.

“But nothing, Papa it is, besides I’ll tell you a secret.”

“Huh? What secret?”

“It is what I hoped you would say, see, I am vain too, nu?”

He had always called his natural father, dad or father. To call him ‘papa’ never seemed to fit but then neither did ‘dad’ really. Thinking back on it, his own father had never really shown him that he enjoyed the title as the Rabbi was showing. Even his mother never really seemed to display any pride in him or Justin calling them ‘mother’ or ‘father’. It was more like something they expected as their due not as something they truly wanted or desired. The Rabbi was different in that it appeared to him and to her too, that when Joel or Josh called them ‘mama’ or ‘’papa’ that they would swell up with pride, as if they had been paid a supreme compliment.

The look on the Rabbi’s face told him more than any words could and yet, in the back of his mind he found it hard to believe. How could this man want him as a son after all he had done to him and his family? It didn’t make sense but still, the Rabbi’s face clearly showed him that it was true, that he really did hope for Robbie to think of him as a father.

“No, to me, to me you are a papa. You don’t know how I wish I had known you long ago, before all this… all this happened.”

“That would have been nice, but perhaps if you had known me then, you wouldn’t want to call me Papa now, so maybe my troubled one, there too is part of the answer you are looking for?”

“I don’t… you mean, I guess you are right. It took all this for me to realize… to realize that I want to live, dumb huh?”

“No gefelt mir²⁵, uh, no this uh, what is the word, pleases, yes that is it, this makes me happy, not sad. See Robbie, there is always a reason for something happening, all the tszuris you went through, all that pain and suffering made you lost, made you desperate and now, thanks to HIM you aren’t lost now, you want to live, one of his greatest gifts really, don’t you think?

“Maybe, but look at what it cost? It doesn’t seem fair…”

The Rabbi looked deep into Robbie’s eyes and saw his heart beating. He could hear it next to his as the troubled soul within looked out seeking answers but maybe more than that, seeking comfort. Such a young soul and yet it had endured what many ten times its age never once experienced. How could HE allow such pain to exist, he wondered, as he thought about how to soothe that troubled soul. There was enough pain in the world without having to go look for more, yet Robbie seemed to be headed in that direction. He leaned forward a little, his brows raised a bit as he realized that all those years of debating with Joshua was for this moment.

“Fair? Ach, lots of things aren’t fair boychik, taxes aren’t fair, price of gas isn’t fair, but life? Life isn’t about being fair, it is about living it, of enjoying what it has to offer if you keep your eyes and ears open. That is what it is all about.”

“But you have lost your job, worse, it is what you have done for so long, how can you be happy about that?”

“Oi, happy? No, I am not happy about it, but has the world ended? No of course it hasn’t, and besides, it wasn’t all that it seemed. Maybe it is time I looked for something else. It is something I have thought about before all this, so you see, it isn’t the tragedy you think.”

“But… if you aren’t the rabbi… I am sorry, this is my fault. If it
weren’t for me and my stupidity, you wouldn’t be facing this!”

“Your fault?”

“Yes!”

“How is this your fault?”

“How? If I hadn’t been so stupid, hadn’t come here and gotten you and your whole family involved in this, there wouldn’t have been the news reports. There wouldn’t have been that painting
on the walls, all that stuff. It happened because of me, I brought all this trouble to you, who else is to blame if not me?”

“Who? Hmm, well, okay you say you are at fault, yes?”
“Yes”
“What about Joshua?”
“Huh? He didn’t do anything, how can he be to blame?”
“He isn’t, but using your argument, a case could be made for it.”
“I don’t see how!”
“No? Well did you call me up in the middle of the night?”
“No.”
“No, Joshua did. So, did you beg me to help you?”
“No but…”
“No, Joshua did. So with your reasoning, you can’t be
responsible, you didn’t ask Joshua to come home early, you
didn’t ask him to call his Papa or get his Papa to help, did you?”

“Okay, no I didn’t, but if I hadn’t tried to kill myself, or if I had
done a better job of trying, he wouldn’t have called you, so
there we go, we are right back to me being the one who is to
blame.”

“Ach, you been learning from Joshua haven’t you?”
“Learning? No… What…”

It was a game they had played for years, one that the old rabbinic scholars used as well. You took the side and worked the problem around, chasing the tails like a dog chases his at times. In the end you take the problem and reduce it to what it really is, a problem that can never truly be solved because to solve it would mean that you knew HIS plans. No man could know that, therefore there was no way a problem could truly be solved.

Joshua had taken to it like a duck to water and he couldn’t begin to count the hours upon hours that the two of them would go round in circles on some weighty issue. Now though, this wasn’t a game, as he knew that this was for Robbie and for Joshua. His heart grew calm as he brought all of his energy into focus in an effort to reach that troubled spirit buried deep still among the pain and sorrow that was Robbie’s youth.

“Joshua liked to play these word games too, okay, fine.

If you hadn’t tried to kill yourself, then none of this would be, yes?”

“Yes.”

“But you fell in love with Joshua, did you not?”

“Yes.”

“Was that bad?”

“No.”

“Then it is still his fault for falling in love with you. If he hadn’t,

then nothing you could have done would have effected him, would it?”

“No, but we did, you can’t change that…”

“No I can’t, thankfully, I wouldn’t want to. I am getting used to you as a son.”

The casual way he had said it only made it feel more powerful and intense. To think that this man could love him was one thing, to think he could love him as a son was something beyond his mind to comprehend but deep down he felt the stirring inside and felt a strange warmth beginning to creep into his body.

“How… I…”

“Still don’t see it, okay, but it is still Joshua’s fault though.”

“Because he fell in love with me?”

“No, because he is gay. If he weren’t gay he couldn’t have fallen in love with you. If you weren’t gay, you couldn’t have fallen in love with him either, yes?”

“Yes, but it isn’t like either of us have a choice in that, we are gay, it…”

“Exactly! So therefore, the ultimate blame for what is happening must lie with the person who made you gay, yes?”

“No one made me gay, it is who I am, it is how I always was.”

“Yes it is how you were created, right?”

“Yes…”

“Then the person who created you is the one to blame.”

“But there is no way that my mother or father could be to blame.”

“Who? They merely conceived you boychik, they were merely instruments of the creator, they didn’t create you HE did, come, you are smarter than that.”

“I don’t… oh my God. You can’t mean that, how can you…”

“How can I say what? That all this is because you were created gay, and the one who created you is the one to blame for this? In short the reason for all this comes from HIS actions Robbie. Why it has happened this way, who but HE knows. But you are not to blame, not you, not Joshua, no one is to blame for how life has turned out. We are following his plan, whatever that plan is.”

He became wrapped up in the discussion. It was like being back in school really when he used to be on the debate club. It thrilled him as he tried to think ahead, to find the traps his opponent would try to lay and he admitted, the Rabbi was good but perhaps not all that good. There was a flaw in the plan, he thought as he tried to exploit it, the fear in his chest suddenly eased.

“Then the bad things, they then must be part of HIS plan?”

“I don’t think so. I think bad things happen because man forgets that there is a plan. I think that we believe our own press, that man is King of his domain when in fact we are just children trying to get out of kindergarten. Man is blessed with a brain, the trouble is that the brain is a machine really, a very intricate one true, but a machine. The real man lies in his heart and soul but many of us forget that or we choose to ignore that. So the plan goes astray.”

“Then what about evil? Is that too part of HIS plan?”

“No, not by his choice I think. Remember he made a pact with his children, he gave us what you goyim²⁶, sorry, what the Christians call ‘free will’ and what we Jews refer to as ‘being stiff necked.’ And in that, well in that perhaps his plan gets a bit farmisht²⁷ at times, it goes astray. None the less it is still his plan, it just has been adapted a little by us, sometimes for good, sometimes for not so good, but the plan is still HIS, you see?”

It was just like school. He still felt the pain and fear but something inside of him no longer seemed to be all that concerned by it. In some small way it was like he was exercising the ghost of his choices and finally bringing them out into the sun for examination. At last he felt that he would get answers to why he had done what he did, and maybe then he could know what he should do.

“But I made the wrong choices… how can that be God’s fault?”

“Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t.”

“How could trying to kill myself have been a right choice?”

“I don’t know, but look at all that has happened since you did make that choice. You know now that life is precious which you didn’t know before. You know now that you are not an evil person. You know that there are people who will love you for you. None of those things did you know or believe until you tried to cross into HIS world, but something stopped you, yes?”

Suddenly he was back there again, back when he thought he could hear Joshua’s voice calling to him, thought he could hear his own heart urging him to hold on and yet he didn’t know why. Now he seemed to remember the words, the way he heard Joshua speaking in some strange language and all he could feel was a warmth and new desire to not go, to not leave the boy who had wandered into the cafeteria that day. He had remembered the walks they had taken, the way they had just casually touched fingers while walking and how good that had felt. It all came back to him then and now too. It was like a signal to him, which had awakened a deep power, buried within.

“Yes, but how do you… I never told…”