Chapter 41

Abner & Saul

The officer let him out in front, near the steps and watched him as he walked up the few steps and then into the sanctuary of the synagogue. He felt like he had aged a few hundred years and for a brief moment he wondered how Moses must have felt when he reached his 200th or 300th birthday? Did he feel like he felt now or did he still feel like he could take on Goliath? The officer had been polite and even had briefly commented on how she thought he had done the proper thing in not charging the young boy. In his heart he knew he was right, but the unease continued to gnaw at him and he had merely grunted at the officer, unsure if she were truly pleased or just making nice for the old man.

Strange, his father used to always refer to himself that way, as the old man, and he had hated it then and yet here he was, doing it himself. He shook his head as he walked into the large chamber, staring at the seats and glancing up towards the raised Diaz. His heart grew silent as his eyes stared at the closed Ark and he sighed, wondering what else HE had in store for him this night. He lost his purpose for a minute as he contemplated all that had gone on and as much as he wanted to lash out at the boy and the others, he knew that he would gain nothing by it. Maybe that was it, maybe life was just a lesson in accepting what was but then, if that were true, man would still be stuck in the stone age. No there had to be more but for now it was just beyond his capacity to fathom. He felt so tired and beaten really and yet he should be happy. He had stopped the cycle of retribution if even for just a second or two and that in itself had to be a plus, didn’t it?

“Abner, you okay?”

“Saul? What are you doing here? Is there…”

“No, no, everything is fine, I thought I’d come and see if you needed any help.”

“Oh… that was nice of you Saul.”

“Nu? What happened?”

“Nothing, I didn’t press charges Saul…”

Saul looked at the man who was the Rabbi and he could see the way his shoulders were sagging and the way his voice sounded so dejected that it tore at Saul’s heart. He glanced around to see if the young goyish (refers to non Jewish person) boy was around, but he was still next door in the new building, sweeping up some debris from a small broken window in the back. The boy had enough to think about and he didn’t need to see Abner this way, for that matter neither did he but then maybe it was only fitting, after all he was partly to blame for the tszuris (troubles) that was going on.

“Sam won’t like that Abner…”

“There are a great many things Sam doesn’t like Saul, and yes I know, I am one of those things.”

“Now Abner, come, you know it isn’t you, it is just the way you handle things, and okay, you weren’t his choice, but why all this Abner? Couldn’t you have found a better way to handle this gay stuff, and now with this tszuris here, couldn’t you have waited a bit and let the board give you some input?”

He stared at Saul and felt the man’s warmth, the real desire in his eyes that said he wanted to help but that he felt left out, felt like perhaps he, Abner, was taking too much on his shoulders. Maybe Saul had a point too, but then, even as the thought crossed his mind, he could feel that knot in his stomach that told him he was trying to back out of what he knew was right. He hadn’t gone looking for a fight with that reporter, but he couldn’t just walk by and not defend two innocent boys, could he? Okay so one was his son and the other his son’s whatever, boyfriend, still he believed that he would have acted the same even if they were two boys he didn’t know.

Call it duty, call it honour, it didn’t really matter what label you put to his actions, all he knew was that his son had come to him in need, so how could he refuse? How could any father refuse or was that how the new world was? Even his own father, who had hated his choice of vocation had come to his aid when needed, no matter what words had been spoken between them, wasn’t that how it was supposed to be? Was that not doing God’s true work?

He shook his head a little, knowing that maybe Saul might understand but he doubted if any of the others would. They would see only the need to replace a few windows and perhaps even have some sort of security guard for a bit, and that was all they would see. Maybe some might feel for him but who among them would want to stand next to a man who supported Gays and then turned around and let a little hooligan off the hook? No, the board wouldn’t approve but for now, they would have to lump it.

“I didn’t go looking for trouble with the media Saul.”

“I know Abner, still what is so wrong with a ‘no comment’ instead of all that you said?”

“I don’t know, I suppose in hindsight it might have been better though I doubt that, and sometimes Saul, you just can’t ignore what is happening. They wanted to blame someone Saul, who better than a Jew, huh?”

Saul could see the hurt in Abner’s face and he felt for him but as he looked at the man, saw the way his shoulders were hunched down, his head hanging a bit low, he saw something else. There may be the semblance of defeat in the man’s posture but in looking at his eyes there was no mistaking the fire that burned deep within the man. It was something he really hadn’t noticed before about the Rabbi, but he had a way of looking at you that went beyond the flesh, as if his eyes could see deep down into your very soul and he shivered a little, wondering just what would the Rabbi see there? He looked up at Abner and wondered what would he himself see there if he dared to look, as the Rabbi was?

“I suppose, Sam will have a field day with that interview, and now, this? Abner, why? Why did you not at least wait to decide such a thing?”

“He was just a boy Saul, no older than my Joel…”

“Still Abner, what he did, surely you don’t condone it? Waiting at least to talk to some of us in the morning would have gone a long way to salve some bruised egos Abner.”

“Saul, would you let a boy of 16 sit in a jail cell simply to soothe some board members ruffled feathers? I think you are better than that my friend, don’t you?”

“I suppose, still… why let him off? Was there no other way Abner?”

It was a question he had been asking himself ever since he found out what it was the police wanted to do and yet in his heart he knew that what he did was right, even though most would think it merely foolishness on his part. Yes, he could have ducked it and told them it would be a decision the Shul’s board would need to decide on but how could he leave such a boy in jail? Wasn’t it bad enough that his mind had been poisoned and if he left him there, would that only feed the poison? No, he had done the right thing but would that be enough?

“No Saul, there was no other choice, you can’t be Shiva the Avenger all the time, sometimes you have to look beyond the act, look to those who benefit from it, and in my heart Saul, I know that if I left that boy to spend the night in jail, we would only have more tszuris than we do now, and worse, we would lose one more to them. As a Rabbi no, not as a Rabbi, but as a Jew, Saul, I couldn’t do that, not one that young when there is still hope for him”

“Still Abner, what he did… you can’t let these hooligans get away with it, it only encourages them further.”

“That is the risk I suppose, but look at Israel. Saul, for over 50 years it has been nothing but a vicious circle of retribution for this act and that act, and where has it gotten anyone? Four wars, countless dead, bombs going off in nightclubs, and for what Saul? All that retribution does is feed the hatred, feed the anger; at least here, with this boy we have a chance to put a dent into those who hate simply because others have told them too. Is that so wrong Saul?”

“No Abner it isn’t, but the board may not agree with you, is he worth your job, Abner?”

Saul had said it so softly that Abner almost missed it, but as he heard the words, he turned his head upwards, no longer looking at the carpet on the floor and instead he once more looked into the eyes of the Temple’s President. He saw a man with doubts and with fears but he saw something else too, he saw a friend who only wanted to help him. It gave him courage and as tired as he was feeling right now, he had to admit that knowing he had some friends was a boost to his sagging spirits.

There was no doubt that Saul was right in his assessment of the board. They would take the news report and add it to tonight’s incident and they would fume. It was bad enough that their spiritual leader had openly supported homosexuality, now he was turning the other cheek to hateful vandalism. He could see Sam now, in his pompous tone, as he would attack the softness, deride him perhaps but so? The worse that could happen would be that they would not renew his contract, and so he retired early in life, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Maybe he and Adele could travel a bit, or go into some business even, after all they weren’t really that old.

“I don’t know Saul…”

“Then why Abner? Surely if you aren’t even…”

“Saul, please, I know you mean well, but let me finish, yes? Good, no I am not sure, who could be? This isn’t about him Saul, it isn’t even about me or you or even Sam, though I am sure he would think it is. It is about doing what is expected of us, whatever that may be, as much or as little as we can do is it, if it costs us our jobs, so be it, if it costs us our lives, so be it, Saul. To be a Jew, there simply is no other way.”

“Why you Abner? Let someone else carry the banner for a change, don’t you have enough on your plate?”

“I guess HE doesn’t think so Saul”

“Ach, HIM again, my mother always said that too, but Abner, your job, what about your family?”

“We will manage, if that is all that it takes Saul, then so be it. If it takes more, well, we will do what we must, just as you and Sam even must do what you must.”

It wasn’t that the Rabbi’s voice was hard or even raised loudly, but Saul felt the steel inside of each word and he blinked several times as he stared at the hunched over man. There really wasn’t anything special about him either, he didn’t look like some knight in shining armour and yet when he spoke, you could feel his conviction, almost as if you could reach out and touch it. For some strange reason he felt rather proud of the man, and for a few moments it made him feel different too, like maybe there was indeed a choice for him as well.

“You are a dangerous man, Abner Goldberg.”

“Me? Ach, you have been watching too many movies on television Saul, I am harmless.”

“Yes, like a cagey fox. I think the board meeting will be most interesting, perhaps I can make it a bit more interesting.”

“Oh? And how would you manage that Saul?”

“I could postpone it Abner, give you time to rest, give the members time to cool off a little.”

“Sam will be very furious with you, Saul.”

“Nu? Like when isn’t he? Besides, like I said you are indeed a dangerous man, Rabbi Goldberg!”

“Haha, you are mishuga Saul, Sam won’t let you push the meeting back one minute never mind a day or two… but thank you, it is a nice gesture.”

“It can be done Abner…”

“No Saul, what would be the use? It would only give Sam more time for his politicking; no, let the meeting go as planned, besides maybe I can make it more entertaining than Sam expects.”

“Oh? You have a plan?”

“Me? No, I leave that up to the women folk, they love to plan, and I think Adele and Miriam have something worked out.”

“Miriam? Sam’s mother? Oiy vie, when did, what? I mean…”

“Careful Saul, you could do an injury that way.”

“Abner, what is up your sleeve?”

“Nothing but the truth Saul, I don’t need any tricks; besides, it wasn’t my idea, it was Miriam’s.”

“Mien Gotte, this is a strange world, how sure are you she isn’t just…”

“Setting me up? The same way Saul that I know you came here out of friendship, and not to spy on me or get the inside track, as they say. I know, isn’t that enough?”

He felt that strange glow deep inside again as he saw the sparks inside of the Rabbi’s eyes. There was no mistaking them this time and as much as the Rabbi looked tired, there was something happening that in one sense frightened Saul and yet in another made him even more resolute to finally be who he always wanted to be. Saul shook his head because he had been right, the Rabbi was indeed a dangerous man if he could give him the notion that he could stand up to the Sam’s of the world. Funny, he always thought he could but he never was willing to see if what he thought was true or not and now, in a blink of an eye really he was about to test the waters of being a real man. Strange how things suddenly worked out and he couldn’t help but feel nervous and yet the terror didn’t come to him like it had in the past. This time he felt like he could face the fear and losing no longer seemed such a terrible thing.

“Well Abner, then let us make this a very interesting meeting together. In the afternoon, say around 5, I think I will have to inform the board that the Centre is unavailable, the meeting will have to take place here, at the Shul, at least that way you can meet Sam on your home ground, yes?”

“Poor Sam, we are a terrible duo aren’t we?”

“No, maybe it is just that, well I like the air up on that mountain you seem to be habitating on, feels rather nice Abner.”

“It has its moments.”

“Good, now why don’t you take that poor boy and go home, I’ll lock up and make sure everything is okay.”

“Thank you, Saul.”

“Ach, it is nothing, besides, I kind of enjoy this feeling, it can be habit forming I think.”

“Haha, yes I suppose it can, well, are you sure you can manage?”

“I can manage”

“Then yes, I think we shall go home then, I am tired.”

Saul watched as the Rabbi and Robbie left the synagogue and he saw how slowly the man walked, how hunched he was as he took the few steps down from the front of the building and it troubled him. Abner was no spring chicken but he wasn’t some feeble old man either and yet Saul could see the way the recent tszuris weighed on the man. He stood there wondering if he could ever have the strength inside to do what the Rabbi could and he shook his head, knowing that he might be brave enough to join the Rabbi, but he would never have the courage to lead like Abner was showing. Somehow he knew that when they had chosen him, they had done the right thing and he set his jaw, determined to try and thwart Sam’s ambitious drive to run things. Sam wasn’t a bad man but he was too pushy even for a Jew.

Debbie

She had watched the fury cross Margaret’s face and from what she knew of the Crown prosecutor, she could imagine a few of the words that Margaret might use to describe her encounter with the Rabbi. It was strange because when she had known he was coming to the station, she had wondered briefly if the man who would appear would be a tall giant, a slayer of evil because of how she had seen him perform in the unedited version of the interview with that idiot from CH news. When he had walked in she felt disappointed because he didn’t look or even come close to appearing like some giant killer and yet the second he began to talk, the instant he began to show his feelings, she knew that Margaret would not easily win the day. Strange how impressions changed and yet now, sitting in her car she wondered if it would all be worth it?

Her hand shook a little too as she realized just how much she herself had changed in the last little while. For starters she kept having to push aside those strange urges inside of her, the ones that made her ache for the sound of his voice and dream naughty thoughts about what it might be like to be his, in the purist of ways. It was something that she had thought was long since lost to her, something that no longer would cross her path and yet here it was, she was acting in many ways like a schoolgirl with her first crush.

What made her lick her lips and glance into the rear view mirror was the knowledge that he was acting like any other boy she ever met in high school. He had that shyness, that strange nervousness as he struggled to hide his feelings for fear of rejection and yet as much as he obviously didn’t want to be cast aside, he still tried to battle through his emotions to reach out for her. The way he looked so crushed when she tried to act outraged at his lateness only moved her heart more as she sat in her car, wondering what would happen next.

It was becoming harder for her to stop her dreams, her fantasizing about Myron and still concentrate on the case at hand and yet inside, she knew that they were both linked together in a way she as yet hadn’t figured out. Something about this whole case had gnawed at her the very first time it had gotten thrown on her pile of cases and now she was very likely risking her career. Ever since the Treat case she had become a book fanatic. The rules had been followed, the review of her actions on that case had come out fully behind her and it had reinforced her belief in the rules, because if she hadn’t followed them, maybe she wouldn’t even be working here now, and yet in the back of her mind, deep in her very soul she knew that she had failed.

The case continued to eat at her and as she started her car and drove it out of the police parking lot, she didn’t take the turn to head home but instead headed back to the Ministry offices. There was something there, she knew it and as she manoeuvred her car towards the office, she had a sinking feeling in her stomach that she would find what she had missed so many years ago, and that when she did it would be something she had always been afraid to face. It would mean that not only had she failed young 13-year-old Cory Treat, but that perhaps all of this trouble with the Fisher boys was also her fault.

The tall office building looked empty as she parked her car and headed towards the secure entrance. She put her special card into the slot and heard the door buzz and entered, the security guard at the desk surprised to see her and as she signed in and noted the time, she felt the unease striking her, trying to make her turn around and flee for the comfort of her home, but her determination pushed those thoughts away, telling her that if that little non descript man could stand up to not only the media but Margaret Sinclair, then she too could face her own demons.

She hurried upstairs and passed the night duty clerk and made her way to the massive filing room where she rummaged until she had found the hard copy of the Treat file. It was rather thick and she quickly jotted down the file number and signed the out sheet, taking the file to her own area in the building. She dumped once more the file on her desk and began to read the preliminary field reports of the case, looking for that one missing piece that she knew was there somewhere.

Her eyes were bloodshot as she turned page after page of the type written pages when her head suddenly stopped its nodding. Her eyes grew wide as she (reread) the small paragraph one more time and then she leaned back in her chair, knowing now what the missing link was. Every part of her body grew rigid as the enormity of it hit her hard and now it all made perfect sense to her. There was no mistaking it and as she read the field report one more time, she began to piece it all together.

Quickly she reached out for her legal pad and began jotting down notes and names. Tomorrow was going to be a very busy day, she realized, as she filled a few pages with names and numbers and then she pushed the pad aside and laid the file down on her desk. Her eyes ached from the strain and her body felt like it had been through a gruelling marathon but she finally thought she had most of the missing pieces in the puzzle that had slowly gnawed at her for the last 6 years or so. She knew where she had gone wrong and she also realized that all that was happening today could have been avoided, if she had only gone that extra step, taken that one extra inch in looking for the truth instead of relying on department norms, department averages.

How could she have been so blind, so stupid to have missed that? It hurt to think that all these years she had the key to what had really happened and now it was going to be with her for the rest of her life. Tears formed around the corners of her eyes as she realized just how much damage she had done, and worse, that it had cost a young boy his life. How could she not have known? The signs were there but she had refused to see them, doctrine had said look to the parents first, and she had. There was no comfort in knowing that her peers had all agreed with her findings, there was no relief from the agony that now gripped her heart from knowing that if only the young boy had spoken up it might have altered things. She and she alone held the responsibility for not accepting the obvious, for not taking things to the next level and when the case had been thrown out, she had dropped it too. That wasn’t how it should be and it gave her no peace to know that what it should be and reality were never really the same thing.

God, if Myron ever found out, that would be it for them and yet maybe, just maybe there was still a chance? She sniffled a little as she thought about him, wondering how he would react to her telling him that she was the cause behind all this grief, all this trouble because she had refused to go beyond the rules, because she had failed to look at all the possibilities. Would he still feel the same way about her or would he be disgusted and end their relationship? Oh, he had said that they would work through all this but he didn’t know what she now did, would it still apply? Would he still want to try?

Her heart was heavy because she wanted him so bad and if she told him, if she continued with her pursuit of this she risked losing him and perhaps her last chance at some happiness in her life. Did it really matter if he knew what had happened six years ago and what if she was wrong now too? Could she survive that? What if she made the accusations and they too were proved to be false? Could she handle another such mess personally and what if her suspicions were false, could she handle ruining more people’s lives who already were in torment?

She looked back to the legal pad and her scrawled notes. For a moment or two her mind was urging her to rip them into tiny pieces, to give in to her need for Myron and for peace, but her heart continued to beat, continued to pound out its message of pain and its warning too. Her hand shook as her fingers touched the edges of the pages, her mind fighting to get her to toss them, her soul urging her to do what was right. Debbie felt torn and unsure and then once more she saw him, saw the way his eyes had looked at her that morning, and she shivered at the recollection, because now she knew what it was he knew.

With a trembling hand she reached across and took out a request form and marked it attention ‘Steve Ferguson’ and then she filled in the boxes, detailing what it was she wanted. Her hand continued to tremble as she signed the sheet, placed a file number on it and then she stood up and walked it over to where his desk was. She placed it not in his in-box tray but squarely on the desk, just under the small picture frame that held his family’s photos. She was certain he’d see it first thing as his coffee cup rested next to it as well and then she sighed, and walked out the large empty office towards her car.

Her course of action was now in the process of happening, there was no turning back for her as she left the entrance and walked towards her car. She opened the door and put the key in the ignition and then took her cell phone out and dialled his number. She waited for a few minutes until a sleepy groggy voice finally answered the ringing.

“I am sorry Myron, I know its way too early, we need to talk, can I come to your place?”

Pastor Deke Johnson

He sat at the kitchen table, watching the golden rays of the sun begin to climb upwards, sipping at the now cooled cup of instant coffee that he had made some time earlier. Pastor Deke never felt like this before, a sense of apprehension that made him toss and turn all night until finally he couldn’t stand it any longer. He had to get up and even his wife seemed glad once he got out of bed, as his tossing and turning was keeping her awake too.

Watching that news report had given him chills and he couldn’t stop the anxiety from tearing at him, as he knew that there would be trouble from that report. Exactly what kind of trouble he wasn’t sure of but he knew it would be something he would rather not have to face. Then again, that seemed to have always been his motto, to avoid those areas where he would need to take a stand, need to make a decision that he was reluctant to make. It had served him well during his nearly 30 odd years of service to the Lord, but now, now it was becoming a conflict for him.

Meeting with the Rabbi and his sons had been bad enough, but her, there was no mistaking the steel and strength of that woman. Strange, he had never really thought about the role a wife played and yet he was a happily married man, how could he be so ignorant of it? With the Rabbi’s wife though, there was something that had reached far inside of him, something in her look that had made him squirm more than any of the unpolished remarks of the two boys ever could do to him. She had done something that even now irked him, made him squirm and for the life of him he just didn’t know what it was.

He had been a teenager during the civil rights revolution in the States, and it never really had effected him like it had his American brethren, and yet now, during this so called gay revolution he was caught smack dab in the middle of it by chance, not choice. Oh there were gays in his congregation, the odds said there were but like the military, he took a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ kind of approach. As long as he didn’t know, he didn’t have to comment, but now, now it was staring at him squarely in the face.

If he were honest with himself, he would admit that he felt in awe of Rabbi Goldberg and how he was so unflinching in his support of his son. He doubted if he had what it took to stand so squarely in the face of public opinion like the Rabbi seemed to be doing. The news certainly portrayed him poorly but then, they weren’t exactly on his side. For a moment or two he wondered about his own flock, wondering how they would react if he had a gay son and stood by him and his face grew clouded because as much as he wanted to believe they would be charitable, he knew otherwise. Deke sighed as he sipped at the cold coffee, not sure what this new day would bring him and yet perhaps that was what was bothering him.

He had the Fisher boy’s funeral to arrange today, to set the final day and time and he looked at the kitchen clock, wondering when the funeral parlour opened. He would have to contact them too and see when the boy’s body would be ready, not to mention getting the details on where the Fishers were planning to finally lay the boy’s remains. This was part of the job that he hated the most, as most people never planned for such events, even many of his elderly parishioners hadn’t made plans and so it became harder and more demanding than he would like.

It was never easy to talk to a bereaved family about cemetery plots and coffins not to mention the cost of those things. He sill felt amazed at how expensive even dying had become. One thing he admired about the Jewish ceremony was that all were buried the same, no special coffin, no fancy linings or ornaments, just a plain pine box, much like how one came into the world, plain and unassuming. He shook his head feeling very tired but not sleepy tired, just weary as he once more glanced at the clock, seeing the hands slowly moving along, slowly marching towards where he would eventually have to do something.

The sound of his phone ringing startled him and for a moment or two he was confused, unsure where the noise was even coming from but then he quickly moved to grab the offending instrument, afraid of it waking his wife. His eyes stared at the clock and he wondered briefly who would be calling so early in the morning as he brought the receiver to his ear.

“Pastor Johnson speaking.”

“Pastor, I am sorry to be calling so early.”

“Oh, that is quite okay, I was having some coffee, you didn’t wake me.”

“Oh good, Pastor I needed to talk to you about Justin’s funeral.”

“Uh, well yes, I was going to stop by later this morning, but if you wish to discuss it now…”

“No, no later will be fine, it is just, well this isn’t easy for me Pasto.r”

“I know, please, we can discuss this at your home later if you wish, I could come by shortly if you would prefer… if that will help that is.”

“It isn’t that, uh, it is about the guests, I understand that the family all sits in the front?”

“Generally yes, or off to the far side depending on the chapel you use.”

“Pastor, you know about Robbie, how he… how he is…”

There was something in the voice that made him sit up in his chair. He couldn’t explain it but he had a very uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as he listened to the plaintive voice on the other end. He held his breathe, knowing that his unease from the night was to suddenly be given cause.

“Yes, I know.”

“Pastor, you may think I am heartless, I have gone over this all night long, please, you have to make sure that Robbie and those… those people don’t attend the services, I don’t think I could handle that as well, please…”

For a second or two he didn’t know what to say. He held his breathe as he listened to the rushed words and the hysteria in those words. In some ways he felt relieved too, and then anger because as much as the Fishers might not appreciate who Robbie had become, the boy was still Justin’s brother and he too had a right to see his brother laid to his final rest. It was cruel really to deny him that but how could he make the Fisher’s understand that? Their grief was obviously so intense, so painful and this was only adding to it. Deke Johnson cursed the media silently as he gripped the receiver hard, praying for the right words and for the strength to see this through.

“I can understand your feelings. I know this isn’t easy for you but to deny Robbie this, that is not going to ease your burden, and as much as it might hurt, Justin is with the Lord now, his care is in HIS hands. You still have a son who needs you both, please, don’t deny Robbie this.”

“NO! Robbie is a sinner Pastor, surely you can understand, how can I let him be there? It would make it a mockery, no, no you have to find a way. Talk to him or to… or to them, convince them not to attend, please… I beg you Pastor.”

He was surprised by the sudden strength in the voice, the anger it held and more than that, he could feel the hate too. The way it referred to ‘them’ as if they were some disease, some horrible monsters and he shivered in the morning air, feeling like he was a teenager again, hearing once more the hateful slogans being spouted from ordinary folk as they resisted the changes coming to their community. Once more he felt that hatred and it scared him in a way he had never felt before.

“I don’t think this is right. I am sorry, but as your Pastor, I have to tell you that this is very unchristian of you. It is your grief talking, please believe me that you will regret this decision later on and it will be too late, please, don’t do this.”

“Unchristian? Pastor if you only knew the thoughts that have filled my head this last few days. This is as charitable as I can be Pastor, don’t, please don’t let them come or let Robbie attend, please Pastor I beg you!”

“I can’t agree with this, of course I will talk to them if you are certain, but I urge you to reconsider, this is a mistake. Robbie is your son too, no matter what you think he has done, he is…”

“What I think he has done? Pastor he is one of them… he is sinning before God every second that he is with those …those people, doing God only knows what. No, tell them please, don’t let them attend, I just couldn’t cope with that, oh God, this is so hard and this too? Please Pastor…”

“I know this is trying times, but Robbie is family. I can’t prevent him from attending, as to the Goldbergs, well they aren’t family and I suppose you could block them from attending, but if you refuse to let Robbie attend, I cannot help you with that. I am sorry, but he is Justin’s brother, he has a right to attend no matter what his transgressions might be.”

“Fine, but he can’t sit with the family, let him sit in the back then, but don’t let those… don’t let those evil people in… I mean it Pastor, I won’t be responsible if they show up…”

“Now calm yourself, you are getting hysterical. I will talk to the Goldbergs and I am sure the Rabbi will understand, and I will talk to Robbie as well. Please, don’t let yourself become obsessed by this, please.”

“I can’t stand it Pastor, my poor Justin, and now this with Robbie and them… what is it that God has against me? Why is he punishing my family so?”

“God doesn’t punish us, you are distraught, I know this can’t be easy for you, but to deny Robbie the opportunity to say goodbye to his own brother, that isn’t proper, please….”

“I said he could come didn’t I? Just don’t let him sit where I can see him, that is all.”

“And the Goldbergs?”

“NO! No Pastor, I will not have them there. If I have to, I’ll see that Walter hires security people to keep them out. I mean it, they can’t, you can’t, please…”

“Okay Sharon, calm down, I will explain it to the Rabbi, okay?”

“Promise me Pastor, promise me you won’t let them come.”

“Alright Sharon, I promise.”

“Thank you Pastor, this is so… I am sorry, I should go, I need to get breakfast ready, Walter will want his breakfast… thank you Pastor, thank you.”

“Yes, well… I’ll come over around 11, is that okay? There are still some details that I need to discuss…”

“Yes, yes 11 is fine Pastor, thank you.”

The phone suddenly grew silent before he could reply. He held it to his ear, unsure for a moment what to do and then he slowly hung up the receiver, feeling a bit weak in his knees and the gurgle in his stomach wasn’t from a lack of food, but from a deep sense of pain and anxiety. He didn’t know why he had agreed to her demands and now he would have to go there, to see the Goldbergs and explain to them that the grieving family was somehow blaming them, and that they should not attend the services. It wasn’t something he was looking forward to either, knowing that she would see right through him, see right through the words and the bland trite sayings.

The unease he had felt all night only grew as he sat there, knowing that what he really was afraid of was having to face her, or any of the Goldbergs really, but that by going there he would have to face his own preconceived notions of faith. Sharon was wrong in her demands and yet he really hadn’t pressed it, which troubled him. He also was a bit surprised by her sudden acquisition of strength, something he had never associated with her personality. Funny, they said to watch out for the quiet ones and if anyone fit that category it was Sharon Fisher.

“Who was that on the phone dear?”

The sound of his wife’s sleepy voice startled him and he turned to see her standing in the doorway, her hair all done up in curlers and her flowered night dress showing through the opened valour robe she wore. He saw the worry in her face too and it gave him some comfort, to know she was there for him.

“Sharon Fisher, I am sorry if it woke you.”

“That’s okay, Sharon? What did she want at this time of the morning? Is she okay?”

“Well she had a rather strange request actually, I don’t know if she is okay or not, I am going by at 11 though, there are some things I need to get worked out.”

“Well maybe I’ll give her a call later… what strange request did she have? Oh, do you want me to make some breakfast?”

He couldn’t explain it but having to tell her made it all seem even stranger. Worse he really didn’t want to say it, he felt ashamed by it and yet, he seemed to have understood her reasons and that too now bothered him, because at times like this, family and friends needed each other more, not to be separated, not to be ostracized from the family unit. He sighed as he looked up at his wife and realized that she most likely wouldn’t agree with his decision and he knew that in his own heart, he didn’t feel right about it either, but what else could he have done?

“Breakfast? No, nothing really, well… maybe some toast… she uh, well she wanted me to get Robbie and the Goldbergs not to attend Justin’s funeral services.”

“Robbie? The one who tried to commit suicide ? For heaven’s sake why?”

“I suppose because he is gay and…”

“Oh, what did you do? You didn’t agree did you?”

“Well… I did manage to get her to agree to letting Robbie come, but not the Goldbergs.”

“I see, well that won’t be very pleasant for you will it?”

In some way he had expected her to berate him and yet part of him was glad she hadn’t but then too, the way she had spoken the words it was almost worse than if she had. He felt ashamed in front of her, almost as if he were back in high school and had been called out to fight in front of his girl and had backed down. He felt the shame of failure and yet really all she had done was hint at her disappointment. Funny how women could do that, just by the tone, the inflection of the voice and in a mere instant you were reduced to a quivering bowl of jelly.

“No, I guess not.”

“Still, I suppose in some ways it will make things easier for you, still… I don’t know, it doesn’t seem right, does it Deke?”

“No, it isn’t right, but it is her son’s funeral, there really isn’t much I can do. Mind you I was a bit surprised that it came from Sharon and not Walter… from him I would have expected it, still…”

“Yes, you would think that wouldn’t you?”

“Huh? What does that mean?”

“Nothing dear, just that you see Walter as the driving force of that family, but if you were more like us woman, you would know that he is devoted to Sharon, that there is nothing he does that doesn’t revolve around his devotion to her. That is all.”

“Oh come now, Sharon is a mouse of a lady, in many ways I think Walter bullies her.”

“It may seem that way dear, but trust me, she is not the quiet, timid, helpless lady all you men think.”

“And you know this how?”

“Why, because I am a woman dear! Now come on, how about some eggs with the toast? Scrambled okay?”

There was no arguing with her logic, and besides, her comments were reminding him too much of the Rabbi’s wife. God Damn It, how did these women get such insights while men seemed to just stumble through things? What was it that he was missing that even his own wife could see but he couldn’t? To him there was no doubt that Walter Fisher ruled his family and all who came into his orbit of influence. He was brash, highly opinionated, and no one could have a contrary opinion to him and be welcome in his circle, so how in blazes could his wife even think that Sharon could wield any real influence over Walter?

Robbie & Josh

The room wasn’t quite so dark and yet it felt like he was in the middle of a black hole. His eyes were staring upwards and he could hear the soft breath of Josh next to him, felt the small little breeze of air that came from Josh’s breathing and it helped, it kept the demons from devouring him as he laid there, thinking about all that had happened so far.

It hadn’t been all that long ago when he had sat over by that chesterfield crying in her arms, hadn’t been all that long ago either that he had experienced the love of having Josh deep inside of him. Part of him felt relieved, and yet there was still the dark clouds, still the thoughts that life for everyone would be easier without him. He didn’t want to say anything, knowing that Josh would only try to stay awake or worse, blame himself. Funny, in many ways he knew what he was doing to himself was no different, he was blaming himself but then, maybe he had more reason to think that way than Josh did?

Sure, he had told them most of it, still there were things he didn’t want to say, or maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t want to say it, but that he still couldn’t come to terms with it inside? Maybe it was just too horrible for anyone to know, even his own thoughts rarely delved down that deep into the darkness of his life. Yet as he laid there, wondering about what would happen next, he realized that his life wasn’t his own anymore, he had willingly given part of who he was to the tall young man next to him.

Robbie turned his face slowly to stare down at Josh. He saw the way the head rested just slightly nestled into his arm, the warm soft cheek moulded into his own side where he could feel the warmth radiating outwards. He saw the arm extended and then curved over to lie across his belly, the hand lightly resting far across his own body, lying next to his far hip. If he were very still he could feel the steady beat of Josh’s pulse from the wrist, and he sighed a little, wondering why things couldn’t be like this all the time?

Right now, at this instant there was peace. The house was quiet and only the sounds of a house asleep intruded on his thoughts. Strange in some ways the quiet was not as relaxing as he thought it would be, but then his mind wasn’t relaxed, it was off trying to figure out what it was his mother was up to, and then too there was the Rabbi.

He had heard most of the conversation between Josh’s father and that guy who had showed up while Rabbi Goldberg was at the police station. They had talked briefly and all and the guy seemed nice enough but Robbie could tell that he was, well scared of being there with him. Funny, he never understood why it was that straight men would be so afraid of being alone with a gay man, almost as if they feared the gay guy would do something to make them come over to being gay, as if that were possible. Still it was how they seemed to feel and he never could understand it.

There was a sense of helplessness in his heart right now, he knew that things were getting far beyond his ability to cope and yet somehow he knew he had to hang in this time around. As much as he wanted to leave, to end it all, there was something deep inside that held more power now over him than at any other time in his entire life. It was like he had to stick around even though he knew his departure would end a lot of the problems for those he cared about. The mere thought that Josh’s entire family would have to suffer because they tried to help him was almost too much. To think that the Rabbi would lose his job because he accepted Josh and him for being who they were was maybe expected but still it didn’t feel right. Maybe if the Rabbi had been something else other than a religious leader he could accept it, but how could you fire a priest for being true to his beliefs? It just didn’t make sense to him and it worried him too. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt any of them, and yet it seemed that whatever he did, whatever path he chose, it wound up hurting those he loved the most.

“You okay?”

The soft sound of Josh’s voice made him glance down once more to the blond head that rested on his upper chest. He saw the blue eyes staring up at him and he felt a lump rising up in his throat and down between his legs. There was no mistaking the worry in those eyes but there was more there too, he could see the love, the blind unquestioning love that Josh had for him and it warmed his heart to know that he really was loved, for all of his imperfections and faults, this guy really did love him. That perhaps it was that love that he saw that made all the difference to him, the difference between living and not.

“Yeah.”

“Can’t sleep?”

“Guess I am still hyped by everything… it just doesn’t seem right Josh, why would Neil do that?”

“You know him pretty good?”

“Sort of, Justin… was closer, I… hell he practically lived at our place.”

Josh could feel the pain that suddenly lanced through Robbie as he mentioned his brother’s name. He saw the face grow whiter and he could see the harsh lines of pain now etched in Robbie’s thin face. He ached for his lover as his hand gently moved softly across the small of Robbie’s back, gently caressing the skin.

“Guess he was just upset, that news thing wasn’t exactly flattering.”

“Yeah… this is gonna cause shit for you and your family…”

“I know, but mom and dad say that we can manage, so…”

“Aren’t you worried? I mean…”

“Yeah I am, but what can I do about it? They say they can manage, and to be honest, well, I worry more about you than whether or not we live in a house or off in the boonies in some shack.”

Josh had said it so plainly, so matter of factly that it stunned him a little. For a moment or two he was speechless as he realized the enormity of what Josh had said. For the first time someone had actually placed him first in their lives, and he felt a strange glow flickering deep down in his soul.

“Me? I am okay.”

“Uh huh, and the Pope likes fags too! Christ, you been through shit that I can’t even imagine, it still has to hurt like fucking hell too. So yeah, I worry, guess that’s what Mama meant, it is just a part of being married isn’t it?”

“You really think… I mean, why? Why after all this shit do you want me for your partner?”

“Damned if I know Robbie, maybe it has something to do with how I feel around you, how laying here right now makes me all warm and fuzzy, how when you aren’t close I feel empty, like something huge is missing from inside of me, how touching you like this gives me goose bumps, call it what you want, but to me it means I am hooked, you are it, so…”

He couldn’t help himself, he moved his arms down and wrapped them around Josh and pulled him up against his body, his whole body shook as he brought his own face down and with his eyes open he moved in closer, his lips pursed as he let them lightly brush up against Josh’s waiting mouth. He stared into the blue eyes and saw the power of Josh’s soul as it leapt forward, reaching out for him and he didn’t flinch this time as he let the love come to him, his own mouth now crushing down hard against the wet open mouth.

Robbie’s tongue snaked forward quickly, parting the mouth even wider as it dove deep inside, feeling the uneven edges of Josh’s teeth as it slipped deep inside into the hot steamy cavern that now opened wider to him. His eyes continued to stare unflinchingly at the deep bond of love that now stretched out and enveloped him and Josh. His whole body shook as he turned inwards, pressing his body into Josh’s own hard frame.

Josh’s tongue flicked upwards, licking at the rough underside of Robbie’s probing flesh and he could feel the body next to him shudder and shake as his hands grew tighter around Robbie’s hard body. He felt the ribs protruding outwards as his mouth eagerly breathed in Robbie’s scent and taste. He felt the press of the hard raspy tongue against the roof of his mouth and then the tickle of the tip as it stretched down to circle his throat. He sighed as his body grew hot and hard and he felt Robbie’s power press deep into his own flesh.

The eyes fluttered as his tongue squirmed inside of Josh’s mouth. He saw the long eyelashes flick and fan his own face and he could feel Josh’s arms holding him tighter with each breath that was taken, and yet nothing could equal the hard press of the bond of love that now wrapped around him. He felt it across his legs and his thighs, and he felt it across his chest and stomach too as his body trembled with the weight of the bond and yet his heart only beat faster as his own eyes sparkled and flashed in the early glow of dawn.

The darkness he had lived with for so long was there but it no longer troubled his soul as much, no longer made his heart heavy with grief and once more he saw the golden smile of his brother too, atop a strange white animal and he was laughing and looked happy. Tears rolled down his face as his eyes closed and his body moved in even closer, the press of his groin into Josh’s lower belly growing more intense as the bed vibrated to their silent passion.

His lungs ached as he filled Josh’s mouth with his tongue, licking at the top and then the bottom, then the inside of Josh’s cheeks and then to the throat and back again. His lips pressed harder as he felt the beat of Josh’s heart next to his own and he could feel the love slowly tightening around his whole body, from the very edge of his hair to the tips of his toenails, he could feel the love pressing in and this time his body eagerly opened up to let it inside. He felt the warmth caressing his nerves, warming the dark deep holes in his soul and he felt the salty warmth of his tears as his body shook to Josh’s hard responding press.

A tremor began deep in his heart and he could feel it reaching upwards, feel it trying to find the answering wave that rested deep within Josh’s own soul and as his eyelids closed tightly he felt the wave coming, felt the power reaching and joining together as the tremor roared forward to become a tidal wave of love. The pain grew less in his heart as once more the holes began to mend, as once more the power of their passion began to knit another link in their unbreakable chain of love and desire. He felt the shortness of breath as his legs grew taut and as Josh’s own body suddenly became hard as steel. Robbie could feel the rigid edges of Josh’s veins even as he felt the hard pole digging deep into the softness of his inner thigh, his own thick throbbing pole jutted hard and deeply into the soft flesh of Josh’s belly as he began to pant a little, his tongue still engaged deeply down into Josh’s open throat.

His thoughts turned to the sound of the Rabbi’s voice as he talked with Saul and he could hear the tiredness, the almost defeatism in the words and yet even as his body grew harder, even as his breathe grew shorter, he could feel the steel in the man’s spirit, feel it refusing to bend to the pressure of the hate that had assaulted the man and from that he grew calm, his body suddenly stopped shaking as it was wedged hard into Josh’s own trembling frame. He felt the steel in the Rabbi’s spirit but now he also felt the love and the strength too and it gave him courage as his body suddenly sprang back and then plunged in further. His hard thick penis suddenly dug deeper into Josh’s belly, just above the groin and he heard the soft groan and hiss of breath escape from between their pressed mouths and his heart thundered now as the blood boiled inside of him and rushed to his groin.

There was no mistaking the sadness in the words or the sorrow in the man’s face and yet even now, as his body crushed hard into the willing flesh of his lover, he could feel that determination of the older man and it filled his heart with hope and with strength too as his demons once more began to flee from the overwhelming love that now held him in its hands. He felt the hard press of Josh’s fingers as they dug into the taut flesh of his back and his body cried out as he felt his love finally flowing outwards, finally touching that hard beam of love that waited for him.

The searing heat under his own pulsing organ only helped drive him harder as his own hot cream suddenly began its streaming outwards. He could feel the jolt deep down in his soul as his body surrendered to the urgent demands of his heart and, more than that, of Josh’s desire. His legs grew numb and yet he could feel the tingle down to his bones as his body released its own love, feeling the hot liquid roll down the hard pressed flesh that was Josh’s belly and he could feel it mingling with the dripping cream that travelled slowly down his own now empty sac and quivering inner thigh muscles.

He was loved, unconditionally and he knew that both of them still had many fears left to face, many secrets yet to reveal but it no longer mattered, because as Josh had said, they were married, they were one when together, less than one when apart. His heart grew hard and full as he realized that nothing could ever come between the love they shared with each other. He grew calm at that, knowing that he would still worry, still question, but that no matter how much was thrown at him, he had Josh to hold him and Josh had him. With that he vowed deep within his very soul to make it right, to do what was right and not to hide. He would not let Josh or his father down, for now he was truly at home, where he belonged and he thanked God for the chance as his body bucked and heaved with one final last gasp and as Josh grew still and silent.

Their mouths broke apart at last and he lifted his head up just a bit, his eyes now once more open and gazing at Josh’s face. He could see the worry still but it had grown smaller than before and he knew now that out of his despair had come the greatest gift of all. He knew now that love was not something you could buy, not something you could fake even, and he felt it reaching for him, always reaching for him and all he had to do was open his eyes to let it in. His body snuggled in closer to Josh’s hot sticky flesh and he let his hand come up and run softly along the pale cheek. His fingers traced a small outline across the full lips and he saw Josh smile at him. At last his heart was able to say the words that Robbie’s mouth now echoed

“I love you.”