Chapter 34

* King James Version

Treasures of wickedness profit nothing: but

righteousness delivereth from death.

Part 1

He sat there, eating the pastry and keeping his face down, afraid to look at anyone who was gathered around the table. He still found it hard to believe that no one was going to say anything, that somehow they just accepted him being there as natural and that what had gone on downstairs, well it was like they weren’t pushing him for answers, that instead they were quite willing to wait for him, to let him tell them at his own time.

In some ways he felt glad for that, but then too he also felt sad because he knew that once he did tell them, things would be different. There wouldn’t be the smiles or the looks of caring that he could feel, instead he knew there would be disgust, anger perhaps and he didn’t know if he could deal with that, despite her assurances to the contrary. He really didn’t yet believe her, didn’t want to maybe because he still knew inside that he was to blame, that all that happened was due to his actions and not someone else’s. He was the one to blame and yet, that strange feeling still persisted, still tugged at him as if to try and deflect the hatred he felt for himself. He couldn’t explain it but he knew that his time was getting short. He knew he would soon have to tell them and he grew frightened, wishing he could just run.

The touch of Josh’s hand on his made him start a little as he turned to look, wishing he didn’t have to and yet that strange feeling, it drove him and made him look which surprised him, the strength of it unreal and so forceful, something he really wasn’t used to. He felt the fingers as they gently caressed his hand, moving up the back of it and up the arm to where one of the bandages were, he felt the pain suddenly ease inside his chest as Josh’s fingers touched the edge of the bandage, gently touching him in a way that only made his heart skip a beat or two, almost feel free for a brief instant of the horrible pain that was wrapped beneath the cloth.

His eyes stared with tears in them as he felt the love reaching for him, his heart aching to touch it and yet still he held back, still his mind told him that it wouldn’t last, that once they found out the truth it would all be over and so he once more lowered his eyes and his face, staring at the plate, seeing the remnants of the pastry, feeling like he couldn’t make it drag on much longer. Hearing his name and knowing it was Joel’s voice brought his face up as he stared into a younger looking replica of Joshua’s face. It was exactly how Joshua must have looked back then, and he sighed, knowing that time was no longer an ally.

Robbie “Sorry, I missed…”

Joel “Uh, I said that Bobby Jaworski came by, he uh, he said he’d uh work out some with me…”

Robbie “Yeah? He’s good, you’ll get some good tips from him.”

Joel “I know, it was just that, well, I was kind of wondering, I mean…”

Robbie “What?”

Joel “Well, I know its kind of asking a bit but, well, do you think maybe you could help, maybe shoot some hoops with me and stuff?”

The idea of once more just being him, of just holding the ball and playing the game he loved made him sigh, it was the only time when he had ever felt free, when he was out on the court doing what he did best; but more than that too, it was the one time when he and Justin could be brothers, could forget all that swirled around them and he felt the pain now, felt Justin’s loss even deeper than he had imagined.

It was like a hole that would never end had suddenly opened up in his heart because he could see Justin’s face, the little curl of hair, the sweat dripping from his brow as he tried to run a play past Robbie, the way his eyes would flare as he would move one way with his shoulders but another with his body, not always managing to fool him. It all flashed before him and the tears started, unheeded as he knew that once he told his tale, Joel would regret asking, would wish he could take it back and he didn’t blame him either. He would do the same most likely and so he knew that his time had finally run out. He couldn’t hide anymore and so he sat up a little, his worried face staring out like a deer’s before deciding which way to cross the dark road that cut through its natural habitat.

His body ached from all he had gone through and he could feel the tension now, feel it coming from Joshua who was next to him and from the Rabbi too, and most of all he felt it from Joel. God, he looked so innocent but that would quickly fade once he began his recital of horror. Robbie wasn’t sure if he could and his eyes quickly glanced over at her, saw her smiling at him, encouraging him and he could hear her voice, assuring him that they would all understand but still he didn’t have her faith, her confidence.

Robbie “I can’t Joel, I would, it is just…”

Joel “It’s okay, just a thought.”

He saw him hang his face down and for a mere instant he thought he could see Justin, the way Joel looked was almost identical to how Justin would look when he had been disappointed and his heart ached once more for his brother, wishing that he could hold him right now, that he could hear his voice and see his face but he knew that would never happen now that Justin was gone and the pain only grew inside as he struggled with the words, wishing he could stop hurting people, stop causing so much pain to innocents like Joel, like his own brother.

Robbie “You don’t understand, I want to, God I want to Joel but… you won’t, not after, I am not who you think, Christ I am sorry… I really do want to, it would almost be like, but I can’t, I don’t deserve that kind of happiness.”

His face was twisted in the pain that reached up for him, tearing into him with an ever increasing force as he stared out, feeling the pain slowly eating away his resolve. He wanted to run as he saw Joel’s young innocent face grow white and he could almost hear the way his body was shaking, as if the horror had reached out and touched his young heart.

Abner saw the terror and he knew that Robbie wanted to run, wanted to bolt and he saw his wife’s face grow with fear, knowing that he had to reach him, had to bring him to what he must do, without delay. His own heart ached as he knew the pain would only get worse and that unless he could convince Robbie of the real truth, he would lose his soul, and that was too terrible of a thought for him to even consider. He leaned forward as his eyes sought out Robbie’s.

Abner “Don’t deserve? Of course you deserve happiness, everyone does.”

Robbie “No, you don’t understand, she knows, she knows what type of person I am, she knows God wouldn’t want me to…”

Abner saw the pain etched across his wife’s brow as he slowly looked at the boy between her and his eldest. He could feel his sorrow but more than that, he felt his despair, his belief that somehow he was at fault for all that was happening and his heart rang out for him, praying for the right words, knowing that Robbie had a long way to go before his demons would be laid to rest, and he prayed too that those very demons would soon be hurled away, before they could do any more harm.

Abner “God wouldn’t want you to be happy? Ach, nonsense, he loves you Robbie, just as he loves all of his children. Sometimes maybe it seems he doesn’t, but he does, this I know, this we all know here. So no matter what you think you have done, true love, love of family, it doesn’t leave, it doesn’t disappear. You have my word on that, as a Rabbi but also, well also as a father, and now, well also as your father in law, yes?”

He had turned to her, to see her face grow wrinkled by the worry she had for him and he felt once more that he was disappointing those who only wanted the best for him. He heard the words being spoken but he couldn’t feel their truth, so much pain raged inside that it was blocking the Rabbi’s words, even hers were lost as his mind recalled his past, recalled each agonizing lift of his arm with that leather strap.

It was the story of his life, he was a disappointment to them and even though the Rabbi seemed to know, she did know and he couldn’t look at her, couldn’t let her eyes make contact as he felt the horror taking hold, felt the desperation rising up inside of him. There was no real answer, there wasn’t any hope for the likes of him and once more he sought out the darkness, eager for it to come and claim him but this time it didn’t just appear like it used.

Something was blocking it and he couldn’t understand it, the darkness had been his friend, his only friend and it had always come when he bid it, but this time it was being held back and he felt the tremble deep down inside of his body, felt his body shake as he stared down and looked at his arms. His eyes stared at the white bandages on his right and saw the wrinkled hands gently touching him; her hands and his heart shuddered at the soft press of her fingers. His face turned away to stare at his other wrist, and there he found another set of fingers resting lightly on his white badge of pain, and his heart continued to tremble as he looked down on Joshua’s hand.

He didn’t know what to do. The hold they held over him was confusing because all he wanted was the darkness; but their touch, it didn’t grip his hands, it didn’t stop him physically from moving away from them, and yet it was like his whole body had suddenly been strapped down to the chair, immobile by their sheer force of will and it made the pain inside howl even more, desperate to escape their clutches and wreak its havoc, held his grief inside as it tried to explode outwards and seek shelter among the darkness.

Time suddenly seemed to stand still and his eyes grew cloudy from the tears that now ran unheeded down his face. His body shook as he sat there, unsure of which way to go until finally he surrendered to their overpowering presence. His mouth moved and the words came haltingly out as he started his story, feeling the fear inside gleefully enjoying its triumph, enjoying its opportunity to show them just how wrong they were, how mistaken they were. His tongue spoke the words, the pain evident in every single letter of every single word and the more he spoke, the more his grief grew, the more his sorrow wrapped itself around his heart in an effort to choke it, to suffocate it with its horror and pain.

And yet even as the battle seemed to be raging inside, even as the forces of pain seemed almost triumphant, the more he spoke the less their power seemed to be. The more he told about the times he had cowered under his bed, afraid to come out when a younger boy for fear of his father’s harsh condemnations, the less sure he was that his grief and sorrow would win, would hold the door open for the darkness to enter and take up residence. It was almost as if something inside of him had been awakened and he could feel that very strange feeling coming up again, stronger than ever as he spoke the agonizing truth of whom he thought Robbie Fisher was.

His mind grew more confused with each tale, with each vivid description of how he had disappointed his family, his father especially and Justin too because the more he spoke, the more he waited for the inevitable stream of revulsion he had anticipated, had expected to come from them all, and yet it wasn’t happening as he had expected, believed. The feeling of revulsion, of complete disgust for him and his evil deeds didn’t come and even as his head hung down low, his forehead only inches from the table itself, he still didn’t feel their hatred, their repulsion for him and it confused him, diminishing somewhat his own revulsion at himself. In some ways it was like he was waiting for their judgement, expecting it to only confirm his minds own harsh condemnation but it wasn’t coming which threw even the raging storm of terror inside into confusion.

As he waited with each pause, with each passing sentence and word, he fully expected them to jump at him, to leap across the table to shake him and then drag him to the door and toss him next to the garbage cans, but nothing like that happened. There were no shouts of hatred, no screams of ‘how dare you’ or anything, his mind no longer able to fathom what was happening and yet still determined to bring his horror, his terror to them. His words became clearer; his words leaving no doubts as to exactly what they meant as his voice went on, describing the terror with increasing clarity.

The words came and went, the horror passed from his lips and floated around the seemingly small kitchen. It flowed around the stiff bodies sitting in their chairs but he had no idea if it was consuming them as he had thought, he had no idea if the horror was eliciting the reaction he had known would happen and his mind began to tremble a little at the sudden realization that perhaps it was wrong, that perhaps it had been fooled by the darkness. His head felt heavy and his heart still ached but surprisingly it didn’t feel empty, didn’t feel like it had been ripped out and squeezed dry of all of its lifeblood, and it puzzled him as finally his voice grew silent, as finally the full tale of horror, of his transgressions were revealed to those around the table and now he waited for their judgement, unsure for the very first time what that judgement would be.

He had expected hatred, had expected revulsion and condemnation, but it hadn’t happened, least not yet and that surprised his mind. All the arguments were there, perfectly put in place by a well organized thought out process that said what he had done was inexcusable, that who he was wasn’t worth saving, wasn’t worth knowing or of even attempting to salvage and yet that strange force, it only grew inside and cast even further shadow on what he had thought was a certainty.

There was a silence in the room that felt oppressive and yet as he sat there, his eyes saw the tears trickling down Joshua’s face, saw the way Joel’s face had lost its colour and as he stared into his wife’s face, he saw the pain etched clearly across every part of her normally cheery face. He felt the heat within his own body, as the words were finally spoken and for the very first time in his memory he felt a strange anger growing inside of him. He couldn’t explain it but his eyes arched upwards, the anger sparkling and flashing as his heart reached heaven wards, demanding an answer to what he knew was an age old question, still he demanded the answer knowing it wouldn’t come, knowing that the silence from above didn’t even begin to cover the pain that HE too must be feeling.

It didn’t abate or salve his anger, it only made it double in force as he lifted his heart, bared his very soul to the one he had always trusted in, asking him WHY? Why had such an innocent been so cruelly hurt when a mere lifting of HIS finger could have stopped it, when a mere sigh of HIS breath could have healed all that was in such agony, such pain? Why?

The force of his anger threatened to overwhelm him, his body shook with the rage that he was feeling and as his eyes continued to grow dark, he felt a soft whisper in his ear, a soft gentle lilt that suddenly cooled his anger and he knew it was her voice, knew it was her heart reaching for him and his eyes lowered from the sky to stare into her own face, to stare at the love that came to him. He could hear her so clearly as she brought him down to face what they both needed to face. Her face was filled with love for him but it was also filled by the fear of what lay ahead and he could feel her anxiety for them all, for Joel, for Joshua, for Robbie, and for him. He looked at her, hearing the soft words inside and the anger was gone, as he felt her love, needing it more than ever before, knowing that she was relying on his love too, because only together could they have the strength to battle the evil that lay around them.

There was a sort of cough and then the scraping of a chair and his head turned to see Joel suddenly standing up, his face twisted from the horror he had heard, his body trembling in fear and as everyone looked to him, Abner could see the terror, even perhaps feel it as his youngest suddenly left the room. He saw the pain lash out, hitting Robbie as his eyes brimmed over in abject horror. It had been what he had expected, you could see that in his eyes and Abner was lost for a moment, unsure what to say or do as the words of evil still echoed in his very heart. Her eyes too were surprised by Joel’s sudden departure and Joshua was still stunned into inaction, his head unable to turn to look at the boy he had called ‘lover’ as he wasn’t sure yet what to do. Joel’s departure had been a sudden ripping of his own flesh, his heart ached too as he didn’t know who to turn to, who to comfort first and he looked to his mother, seeking her advice, seeking comfort from her but he saw the pain there too, feeling it as it seemed to just float around them all.

Robbie had seen the look, the almost dark hatred that crossed Joel’s face as he stood up, the way his eyes seemed filled with nothing but disgust and horror and his heart quailed under his gaze, the hope he had been suddenly feeling dashed into a thousand pieces. His heart ached and his mind was yelling, telling him ‘I told you so’ even as he felt the pain finally reaching out for him, finally able to slowly open the door in his heart for the darkness but the sound of a slamming drawer stopped the pain, gave him a moment’s hesitation as they heard the running slap of bare feet and once more there stood Joel.

His eyes were filled with tears and he stared out at them all, as he came rushing back into the kitchen. His heart was pounding and it was so loud he was sure it would burst out from his chest. He saw his father’s questioning look at him, felt his mother trying to reach him and he could even feel Joshua’s confusion, his loyalty being torn as to who to reach for and in that very moment he knew he was right, that what he had felt was right.

He moved slowly from the doorway of the kitchen to stand next to Robbie, between him and Joshua. His body trembled as he stared down into Robbie’s face, saw the way he looked up at him, the way he seemed to be bracing himself for some horrible blow. His heart ached as he held out his hand; a small silver necklace lay in the palm of his hand.

Robbie stared at it and then into Joel’s eyes as he saw the strange little shape in the centre of Joel’s hand. It gleamed at him and shone brightly as it caught the reflection of light from the kitchen and yet in some strange way it was almost like the light was coming from within it. He stared at it, feeling that strange glow inside suddenly alive again, felt the hope returning and the shattered pieces of his dream suddenly being softly put back together. Everything inside of him was now confused as he stared back into Joel’s face and the horror he had seen was gone, the hatred wasn’t there but instead there was something else, some strange warmth that he couldn’t quite explain or even understand. His eyes stared as Joel rested one hand on Joshua’s shoulder; the other holding the silver necklace trembled and shook as he held it out towards Robbie.

Joel “My bobbah, grandmother, she gave me this mezuzah a long time ago, when I was bar mitzvah. It was before she died. She told me it had given her courage to face her pain, she said it would do that for me too, but, well, I want you to have it, maybe it will help, please Robbie… take it, please.”

Joshua felt his brother’s touch, felt his heart next to his and he lifted his head up and stared over at Robbie. He could see the amazement in his face and he felt proud of his brother because he knew how much that little trinket had meant to him. It was all he had of their grandmother; a small trinket that she had somehow managed to keep from the Nazi’s and that had survived her years in the death camps. It was her talisman and she had given it to Joel at the time he had been dealing with the bullies at school. She had somehow known about it and had seen his fear and had given him the one thing that she could, knowing it would help him face the evil just as it had helped her survive man’s greatest inhumanity to his fellow man. Tears rolled down his face as the fear began to dissipate, even shred into tiny pieces, no longer the dark heavy cloud it had once been.

He felt her hand gently caressing his aching wrist, felt Joshua’s fingers lightly brushing across the fine hairs of his arm as he stared at the silver trinket, seeing it sparkle and glimmer in the light and there was something drawing him to it, something that made his heart beat just a bit faster, a bit stronger as he felt a strange itch inside, a strange power trying to make his hand rise up, trying to guide his arm upwards.

Robbie “I… I can’t… it is…”

Joel’s hand shook a bit more as he stepped a step closer, his body now leaning against the turned body of his brother, he felt his pride and he could feel his parents eyes on him but he felt something else, he felt his grandmother’s breath on his cheek, as if she were kissing him like she always did, and he felt the tears rolling down his face as he pushed his hand closer to Robbie, feeling the warmth of the small silver trinket reaching outwards, touching the coldness that seemed to be all around Robbie.

Joel “Please… If not for me, then for Justin, please Robbie…”

His voice trailed off as he held his hand before Robbie and he saw the way the white bandaged wrist shivered, the way Robbie’s eyes were now fixed on the glittering necklace and he could see the warmth, see the love it held reaching out and he waited, his body leaning into Joshua’s, feeling the love coming from there too and from his parents.

Robbie’s hand moved upwards, slowly and hesitantly but as his mind cried out, shrieking that it was a trick, the force inside shunned the whining mind and let the truth come from within Robbie’s own heart. He could hear Justin’s voice now, once more telling him that the pain did end, if you just let it. His fingers shook as he reached up and the tips of his fingers touched Joel’s hand. The shock of the strong heat that suddenly came rushing in was too much and he recoiled, surprised for a moment but his heart continued to push, continued to press and control him and once more his hand moved and his fingers touched the warm soft metal.

His hand gently touched the silver necklace and the strange oblong ornament that it held and he felt his heart suddenly beat more steady, more sure of itself as the pain inside became less, as his fears suddenly screamed out in surprise and for the first time, he felt a new warmth inside as his fingers held the silver necklace. He stared up at Joel, saw the love that he had for him, saw that all of his fears of being rejected were dashed, because no one was leaving him, no one was rushing away from him, instead they were all rushing towards him, to help him, to comfort him and he recognized the new feeling at last, recognized it for the love that it was, the true unconditional love that only real family could have.

He cried as his voice croaked out a small, weak thank you and then he saw Joshua standing up, hugging Joel and then his hand came out, taking the necklace from between Robbie’s fingers and he bent down, unclasping the small necklace and he gently reached around, placing the silver necklace around Robbie’s neck. He even heard the clang of the clasp closing and as the necklace laid against his flesh, he felt the hope rising up inside of him as he turned his face down to stare at it, to see it resting against his chest and then he looked up, to see Joshua staring at him, his face only an inch or two away and he watched in amazement as he came closer, his lips pursed as he lightly kissed Robbie on the lips, then the forehead.

Joshua turned to Joel, his arm around his brother and he hugged him, then he turned to his parents, smiled at them both and then turned once more to his lover. He looked down at him and held his hand out to Robbie.

Joshua “Come, we need to go downstairs now.”

Robbie stared up at Joshua; saw the way his eyes were glistening from the tears but also from a strange glow that seemed to be coming up from deep inside of him. His heart no longer felt the fear reaching for his very soul, and he could feel nothing but the love that existed all around him. His body trembled as he stood up, letting Joshua take his hand into his and lead him out of the kitchen, towards the basement.

As he left the kitchen, Robbie turned to stare at the Goldbergs. He saw Joel sandwiched between the bear hug of his mother and the strong arm of his father on his shoulders. He could feel their love too not just for Joel and Joshua, but for him too and the hope inside continued to grow as he let himself be guided away from them, to suddenly find himself leaning into the strong body of his lover. His heart was no longer alone, as he felt Joshua’s heart beating next to his own, felt his soul gently touching his and he let his head rest on Joshua’s shoulder as they slowly walked down the stairs, together as one.

Part 2

Only love gives us the taste of eternity.

Jewish Proverb

They walked down the stairs silently, each of them just feeling the bond they had, words not really needed as Robbie still was finding it amazing at what had just happened. For years he had expected that anyone who ever found out about him, who ever heard his story would naturally hate him, blame him and be repulsed by him and his actions, and yet no one here had done that. It still hadn’t really sunk in either as his mind was completely awash in a sea of confusion.

As they came to the bottom, he found himself being led away from the sofa, where he had assumed they would go, where he figured that they would talk, but instead Josh led them both to the corner, where the bed lay and he felt a strange panic in his heart, unsure if he were reading Josh right. The idea that Josh would even dare think about wanting to be with him still hadn’t pushed its way through his fears and terror but he found himself standing with Josh by the bed.

Robbie let Josh gently turn him around so that they faced each other. He could feel the warm breath of Josh on his face as they stood there, together, and he could feel Josh’s hands holding his arms steady next to his waist. He let his eyes search Josh’s own eyes and as he began to let him look back, he felt the warm glow starting inside of him, next to the spot where the small little ornament rested on his flesh. He felt the desire, felt the love, as they came rushing inside him, to help him battle his fears and doubts. His mind was unable to comprehend the strange love but he felt his heart understand it, felt it recognize it too as the blood began to slowly warm up inside his veins.

Robbie “Josh… I don’t know if I …”

Josh “Robbie, do you love me?”

Robbie “Yes.”

Josh “Then let me make love to you, I know we have done stuff, but… I have never felt this way before, about anyone I can’t explain it, I know its crazy even, but I know that I need to make love to you… if you will let me.”

He stood there shaking, unsure of whether he could or not but his eyes wouldn’t move away from Josh’s face, and he felt the love reaching for him, felt his heart suddenly begin to ache for it even and for the first time since years ago, since he had lain with Justin, he felt that strange bond once more. He looked deeply into Josh’s eyes, feeling the need rising up for him, feeling his own need suddenly able to respond and he nodded, his body shaking as he lowered his head.

“It is more than I could have hoped for, yes Josh, please, make love to me.”

Joshua felt the words penetrate his heart and he smiled now at the boy in front of him. Robbie’s lips hadn’t moved but he had heard his answer coming to him from deep in Robbie’s heart as he slowly reached out, his fingers gently lifting Robbie’s chin upwards so they could once more look into each other’s face and feel their souls connect.

His heart thundered briefly as he closed his eyes and leaned forward, kissing lightly the trembling pale lips of his lover, feeling the pain run from him as he stepped in closer, his arms reaching around to gather the trembling boy into his own aching arms. He felt his own pain run and hide as his lips brushed once more Robbie’s sweet mouth. His body ached for him and he could feel his desire growing as he opened his eyes to stare into Robbie’s, to see his soul questioning his, asking him if this really was what it wanted and as his body shuddered, he heard his heart and soul answer in a loud thunderous YES.

Josh’s hand moved up and held one side of Robbie’s face, his heart looking deep into the boy’s heart and he felt his need growing, felt Robbie’s doubts begin to crumble from the onslaught of his desire. He reached out and slowly undid the shirt, letting his hands run down the shaking body, feeling the flesh shake to his gentle caress and he felt his own body shudder in answer to Robbie’s body. He felt his own legs grow weak with desire as he slowly pushed the shirt off the body, seeing the glow of Robbie’s milky white flesh in the room’s light and he sighed, amazed at how much he loved the person within the body.

As much as the desire and need grew, his hands moved slowly as he knew he needed to touch all of Robbie, to feel all of him in a way he had never felt before. His hands moved with soft, loving care across the body that had been so tortured and battered that the scars on the outside may have healed, but inside his hands could still feel their rawness. He reached down, pulling a little at Robbie’s pants and then popping them open, and he pressed his lips lightly against Robbie’s chest, kissing him every so lightly and he was rewarded by a strong rumble that roared through all of Robbie’s body. He felt the love now, that long hidden power being awaken deep within and he smiled, his eyes glancing upwards to see the new power of their love forming a bond between them.

His hands gently lowered Robbie’s pants, and he let them rest around his ankles for a minute as he felt Robbie’s desire staring at him and he looked down, seeing his body glistening and shaking. His heart skipped a beat because Robbie hadn’t any underwear on and he could see the thick penis growing with each touch of his hand against the trembling stomach. His head stared down as he watched Robbie’s penis growing, felt the love slowly filling it and he smiled inside, feeling his own desire growing and he knew that this was as how it should always be, the two of them slowly becoming one.

Josh breathed in deeply as he smelled that very special scent that was Robbie. He could feel its powerful aroma rising up to greet him and it only made him feel more confident as he stood up, his hand gently touching the soft inner thigh of his lover. They looked into each other’s eyes, Robbie still uncertain but slowly Josh could see his love reaching for Robbie, slowly see it work its way deep down into every part of Robbie, every inch of his body and as the knowledge came to him, he knew that soon he would do more to fill Robbie with love, to once more raise up the battle standard of love. His mouth came to Robbie’s, and his tongue gently pushed aside the lips, pushing inside to taste that very special flavour that was Robbie.

His body shook, as he tasted him, felt his tongue snaking slowly inside his mouth and he cried silently now, the tears rolling down his face as his body shuddered, his legs growing weak from the amazing power that came rushing inside of him. Every part of his body began to scream for more of the power that came inside, his mind reeled to the onslaught of love that filled him, that made his body warm and made him weak at the knees. His own tongue licked up, touching the rough underside of Josh’s and then together the two tongues began to dance deep inside of his mouth and then inside of Josh’s.

Together they held each other up, his own hands no longer limp at his side as they reached out to hold Josh by the hips, to feel the press of his own hard body against his naked one. He felt the love reaching him, felt it touching him in a way he had never experienced before and the tears rolled down his face, the warmth of their love making his body grew hot to the touch.

He tasted Robbie’s mouth, felt the fear that had resided within the shaking body that was now entwined with his and he could feel the tendrils of fear still, feel them grasping still but with each touch of cold, he felt his heart beat faster, felt it reach out even harder as his body settled firmly along its mission, along its chosen path to end the reign of terror, to let what should be, be. His body shook as his passion became stronger, as his hands grasped Robbie stronger and held him tighter. He wasn’t going to let go this time or anytime else and his heart beat out the message to all who would listen as his tongue licked deep into Robbie’s mouth. He felt him shudder, felt his own body shake too as their love began to finally forge the bonds that both of them needed.

Time was no longer relevant, it could be mid morning for all he knew but he didn’t care, he was wrapped in the arms of his love for Robbie and Robbie’s for him which was all that mattered to him right now. He kissed him deeply and felt the joy beginning to come to Robbie as he stepped back, a small grin on his face as he stared at the tall boy that had captured his heart. He saw the glistening flesh in the small light and he could see the shimmering glow from the silver necklace, and his heart knew that this was the one, that with Robbie he would have a life just as his parents had one with each other.

Josh stepped back, a last lingering kiss against Robbie’s leaning lips and then he held him still, just marvelling at how lucky he was to have someone like Robbie, feeling his heart beating with his, knowing that the pain still lived there but that now it would meet its match, that now Robbie would no longer have to fight his demons alone. He stared at him and then reached out to bring Robbie’s arms upwards, and he bent down, kissing the bandages, tenderly and with a deep feeling of love. He felt the shudder roll thru Robbie’s body as he slowly let the hands rest now at the boy’s side and he stepped back one more step, his eyes taking in every inch of the naked body before him.

He let his hands drop Robbie’s arms and he turned to begin to turn on every light in the entire basement area. His hands were busy turning on switches as he felt Robbie’s eyes following him everywhere.

Robbie “Why, why are you turning on every light?”

Josh “So we can see, I want to see, I want you to see it all as I make love to you, that’s why.”

Robbie “You hate doing it with the lights on, why…”

Josh “Yeah, well, I used to. I was ashamed Robbie, ashamed of who I was, what I was doing. But I have nothing to be ashamed of, I love you, I want the world to know it, no more hiding for me, no more darkness. What we have, the love I feel, it deserves the light, I won’t keep it hidden in the darkness anymore, too much has been hidden in the dark, and it is time to banish it from our lives. I love you… I want it to be seen, I am not ashamed of how I feel for you, or for who we are. So the lights, they stay on, okay?”

Josh didn’t yell or scream, he was so calm and so matter of fact that it was almost like he was explaining a simple procedure and yet each single word hit Robbie hard, made his whole body shake by the force of will that was behind each single letter of each single word. Josh loved him and more than that, Josh knew who he was, knew his secrets and he loved him. He cried as he watched Josh finish turning on all the lights in the basement and come back to him. The solemn look on his face frightened him for a moment until he recognized it for the determination that it really was. Josh did love him, and Robbie could see now that he was determined to do what he said he wanted to, to stop hiding in the dark.

He didn’t answer him, instead he sat down on the bed, kicking off his pants that were still at his ankles and he pulled himself up on the bed, his eyes never leaving Josh’s body for one second. It was all Josh needed as he smiled at Robbie and then turned the last light on, and took a deep breath. Robbie could see the fear in his face because they had talked about it before, Josh telling him how he didn’t want lights on, how he thought that his body wasn’t great and that he was more comfortable being hidden by the darkness. He’d never do it during the day, unless the curtains were drawn and the room very dark, even then Robbie could sense his reluctance and he knew exactly how he had felt because then he too had a secret. Now he watched as his lover took his own fears, his own feelings and shunned them, pushed them aside with the flick of his wrist just so that Robbie could also fight the darkness.

Josh came back to the bed, standing now at the foot of it, seeing Robbie propped up by the two pillows underneath his head and shoulders. He stared down at him, seeing the hard 7 ¼ inch penis sticking up, the full balls resting against the mattress, the long firm legs slightly pushed to either side and he marvelled at the beauty of the boy who he loved so deeply. He saw the small pink scars around the legs; the ankles and he wondered if those were from the shackles or some other forgotten horror?

Slowly he let his eyes take in every part of Robbie’s naked body, the way the small tufts of hair seemed to be bending in the room’s breeze, the way they curled around his legs, all of it only making him more thankful for the privilege of being here with him. He thanked God for that, knowing that somehow HE had made all this possible. His heart grew quiet as his eyes travelled upwards, seeing the long scar barely hidden along Robbie’s inner thigh, seeing the way his pubic hairs were missing in some places and yet as he stared down at him, he felt nothing but amazement at how perfect he looked.

His eyes moved up the firm stomach, seeing the muscles rolling lightly under the skin, seeing their small ripple as Robbie breathed and he felt the love coming for him, felt it reaching out for his own love that he was holding inside, using its power to guide him now as his eyes took in the arms. He felt himself catch his breathe as he felt Robbie’s eyes on him, felt Robbie see him look at the arms and he stood there, his heart pounding now as the arms moved, the fingers slowly unwrapping the bandage, letting the horrible wounds free, letting his own shame escape at last, letting his own darkness be held up to the light that came from Josh’s eyes.

The sight of the ripped flesh, the horrible jagged scars glowing brightly in the harsh light of the room made him feel the pain and his mind recoiled, urging him to step back, to run away from the horrible sight but his love held him there, his eyes softened and glistened from his tears as he looked up into Robbie’s face, and as each single tear trickled down his face, his own hands reached out, to slowly unbutton his shirt, to carefully open it and expose his own trembling chest to Robbie’s watchful eyes. His body shook as the tears rolled down, the image of those wrists etched forever in his memory, the pain digging deep into his heart as he let his shirt fall to the floor.

Josh moved his hands to his waist, unbuttoning his pants, and slowly he let them push down the jeans, slowly he let his body grow naked before the lights and before his lover’s face. He pushed them down and stepped out of them, taking his socks off, and then he stood up, only a pair of boxer shorts on, and he glanced down once more at the arms, once more he let the image of the ripped flesh tear into his heart, tear into his soul and then as the tears continued to flow, he felt it, felt the draw of the glowing silver necklace and he felt the love now, felt it pushing aside the pain, the fear, the terror, and his whole body trembled as his hands moved down once more, pushing the clothing that still covered his body, that still hid him from his lover.

The shorts lay at his ankles; his body bent over as he stepped out of them, gradually letting his body resume an upright position. His hands rested at his side, as he stood up tall and straight, to his full height of 6ft 1in. He stood there, feeling the lights around him, feeling the blast of warmth coming from Robbie’s chest as he stood there, his body naked and gleaming. Once more his eyes began their journey, travelling up Robbie’s own naked flesh to finally rest briefly on the arms, then his heart began to thunder and his blood began to boil as his head moved away from the angry wounds to look fully into Robbie’s face. His heart grew silent now as he stepped forward, slowly letting his body come up onto the bed, seeing Robbie’s legs push aside to welcome him, seeing the small white glare of love beginning to form at the tip of Robbie’s penis, knowing a similar drop was on his own tool of love.

No shadows played on the walls or cast any eerie darkness onto the bed as slowly Josh let his body come down between Robbie and then onto him. He felt Robbie’s chest heave in excitement and it warmed him, as he too felt the sudden desire welling up, beginning to guide his thoughts even as his heart continued to beat a slow steady chorus of ‘I love you’ inside of him and inside of Robbie. He felt the strong bonds of love that he had grown up with forming to unite with the new links that he was forging, the new love that was Robbie and as he let his body rest softly on top of Robbie’s, he could feel the power of their love slowly joining, slowly forging each link with a tenderness that belied their aching desire.

His body shook as he closed his eyes and lowered his face to meet Robbie’s lips, to press once more his mouth onto Robbie’s and he felt the fire now, felt it flickering deep inside of them both and he shook, the tears of love dripping silently onto Robbie’s chest and he cried inside, thanking God for this moment as his hands reached out, his fingers lightly touching the open wounds of his lover, touching them and banishing away the cold that rested there. His heart grew stronger as he opened his eyes and then brought one arm up and over, to let it stand between them, then with his eyes staring with complete love into Robbie’s, he let his mouth touch the raw wounds, kissing it and letting the love he felt go free now, letting it flow between them as he kissed it again and then repeated the whole process with the other arm. Josh felt Robbie’s fear rising up as he took each arm, but as his lips touched the cold flesh, he felt the burning heat rise between them, felt the searing heat scorching their two chests and as his lips touched, he felt the warmth once more flow to those open scars, felt it as fresh blood gently flowed through the deep cuts and beyond, to once more make Robbie whole.

Josh took each arm, kissing it again and then placing it under his arms and over his back, letting Robbie’s arms now encircle his upper torso as he reached over and down now, bringing Robbie’s legs up, bringing them up to his chest and he could feel the rush of love coming to him, as their eyes held each other, as their souls reached out, tentative at first but with a growing trust that he could see. The darkness was gone as he saw each line in Robbie’s face, knew that Robbie could see each line in his face and he didn’t care, because it wasn’t lines or wrinkles or anything like that that he really saw, instead he saw the growing bond of love, the chain of their love growing link by link, becoming fuller, stronger with each single beat of their two hearts. He felt the passion now, not just his own but Robbie’s too and it warmed his heart even more.

He felt the press of Robbie’s throbbing penis against his body, felt it pressing up into the soft belly and then up along his trembling stomach. His muscles ached as they coiled within, the blood being squeezed as it flowed, hugged even as his body slowly melted into Robbie’s own flesh. He felt the press of the mezuzah against his chest and he thanked God once more for all he had given him, as its power seemed to suddenly fill them both. His hand reached out for the table, but was stopped by Robbie’s hand, and he stared down as out of the corner of his eye he saw Robbie reach down beside him and pull out the small condom package. He hadn’t seen him take it from the table and yet there it was and he stared at it and then into Robbie’s face and smiled.

Josh suddenly pushed himself upright, sitting up on his knees, his own hard throbbing penis now pressing up against Robbie’s groin as Robbie brought the condom up to his mouth, tearing open the small package and then with his other hand he reached into the opened package and pulled it out. His eyes never once left Josh’s face as he took it out, and he stopped, staring for a full minute into the face of his lover, seeing his firm determination holding fast, feeling his own blood as it flowed freely now through all of his body, even his torn wrists, and he reached down, his fingers trembling a little as he sought out Josh’s pulsing pole. His fingers touched the hot flesh and he felt a strange jolt rush inside of him, a strange warmth that made his mind fuzzy but his heart ring out crystal clear. It beat loud and strong as his love for Josh came forward, forcing aside the fears and the doubts, letting the love he so desperately had sought finally work its way past all that he had put in its way. No more barriers, no more walls, as his soul finally listened to the small tiny voice that now boomed inside of him.

His hand grew stronger now as he held Josh’s throbbing organ, swiftly sliding the thin plastic cover over it, satisfied when his fingers pressed hard into the soft groin, their job done for the moment. His eyes glanced down briefly to that spot where their bodies were on fire and they were close together but not yet joined. He saw Justin’s face for a brief second, saw his father’s too and even his grandfather’s face as he felt the terror reaching for him, but this time it couldn’t touch him, it couldn’t grab hold as the light shimmered even there, between their two bodies and his hand reached up, touching the warm silver necklace and then once more his eyes were fixed on Josh’s face.

One finger lightly pressed across his own dripping pole now, gathering up the early seed of his love and he brought it up, letting his finger rise up to meet Josh’s face, and he ran his finger lightly across the dry lips, coating them with his own love and he felt Josh kiss the tip of the finger, then slowly open his mouth and take it inside, letting the taste of Robbie’s pre cum brush against his tongue and against the inside of his cheeks. His body trembled as his eyes started to glaze over as Robbie’s hands now moved to one side, his legs began to move back up and Josh felt Robbie’s heart suddenly next to his own. His whole body shook as he felt the tremor racing inside of Robbie and he stared down at him now, his body looming over the boy, the strands of Robbie’s blond hair off to one side, a small lock dangling over the left eye, and he could feel it now, see it too as his eyes stared deep down into Robbie’s soul.

His own long blond hair now flowed down around and over his shoulders. Strands of his fine hair moved gently across Robbie’s flesh and he could see the muscles underneath tensing, reacting to each gentle sway of the hair and his eyes grew wider, opened more as he stared into Robbie’s face, seeing now what he saw, seeing the countless horrors that he had endured for his entire life. His body shuddered as he saw the leather strap rising up and down, the hand holding it his father’s, then another time it was someone else’s hand and he felt each slap as it came down.

Josh’s soul cried as it reached out, as it held the trembling frightened soul of Robbie and together they stared at the horror and the pain that came with each breath that Robbie had taken in his entire life. Josh felt his body lowering even as the horror continued to be played across his vision. He saw the scared and hurt look in Justin’s face as his father shook him, he saw the anger in the dark brooding eyes as his father swung at Robbie, not missing, and as his body pressed into Robbie, he felt his penis sliding down the waiting valley, felt it pressing up against Robbie’s tiny pink puckering hole.

The touch of his pole against Robbie’s hole made him suck in his breath, the warmth of his love battling the cold of Robbie’s fears and his own. He saw the lights blazing and he felt the warmth as he continued to look into Robbie’s life, continued to see the pain he had endured but as he looked, as he saw it all happening as if he were there, he also saw something else. He could see it off in the distance but with each beat of his heart he could feel it getting closer, and now he could see it taking shape.

Every muscle in his body was tensed and coiled, the blood was suddenly frozen as it waited, his nerves were waiting for that instant, that moment and as he looked down into Robbie’s face he saw it all, not the pain, not the evil that had happened to him, but instead he saw the chain of love that was now weaved between their two hearts and their two souls. He saw the thick links, the way they were bound together in a forged link that showed no crack, no imperfection that could cause it to weaken. Seeing the hardness of those links drove his mind to capitulate and his heart rang out loudly, thundering as his body suddenly pushed down with the full force of an exuberant heart.

Robbie’s voice cried out loudly, the pain of Josh’s entry tearing into him but it wasn’t a pain that he struggled with, it wasn’t a pain that ate at his heart or tore apart his soul but one that coated the very chain of love that existed between them. It hardened the bond of steel that now rested between them and he welcomed this pain, urging it on as his body was split apart by the sudden rush of Josh’s own 7 inch long penis, the 1 1/4 inch thick shaft pushing his muscles apart as the throbbing organ entered him and travelled quickly up his love tunnel. His body shuddered and he felt his body sagging into the mattress as the force of entry overwhelmed his senses.

His shout was one of pain but also of joy as his body opened wide to accept the deep press of Josh’s love. He felt it reaching for him, felt it touching him in a way he had never thought possible and his arms flayed the side of the bed as Josh’s hot breath blew across his face, cooling the sweat that now formed like a river on his body. His skin become hot as he felt his hidden love finally break free of the horror and pain that had held it captive. His body became a blast furnace as he struggled with the love that flowed into him and his legs tightened around Josh’s thundering body. He felt the flesh rising up and coming back to him and he felt his own body rise up to greet it and as he did he hit the bed hard with both hands, amazed at how much Josh really did love him and at how much he loved Josh.

The force of their union made the bed jump and made it groan and for a mere instant they both wondered how far the noise of their union would travel but the sheer power of their love quickly took hold again, as their bodies crashed into each other, time in, time again. Each thrust only growing more urgent, more forceful as the power raged inside of them. The blast furnaces of their souls were overflowing as it struck the steel of their love, shaping it and forging it into new bonds, new links that would be borne from this moment, new links that would show all who dared look that there were two souls here, two loves united in their faith in each other. His heart thundered, the roar growing as his legs grew numb and he lost all feeling in them. He felt the river of sweat falling to his body, joining his own raging torrent of water and yet he could still look up, still see the clear deep blue eyes of his lover, of his soul mate as their bodies no longer were theirs, but were prisoners of their love and it was a surrender he gladly accepted.

Robbie felt so alive as he felt the hard thrust of Josh’s penis deep into his body, as he felt it reaching for him and touching him where not even his father had ever touched him. It was the one place that no living person had touched, only Justin had come close and in a different way, but this was true, this was the love he had felt and prayed for and he cried as he heard the groans filling the fully lit room, felt the power holding him impaled on the throbbing pole that spread his body across the bed. His arms were numb, even the deep wounds no longer ached as Josh’s love filled him and he could feel the hard slapping flesh of the leather sacs as Josh’s body pounded his own body. His eyes were glazed as he felt Josh’s body finally surrendering to the love, finally giving in to the pressing demand of his own aching body and he felt the power as Josh drove his penis further even more into Robbie’s insides. He felt it reaching for his tongue almost as if the huge pole had sliced through his whole insides to come to his mouth but it was only a feeling, as he felt the head inside rear back, the throbbing pole suddenly growing even fatter and thicker and he felt it, felt the blood rushing through the veins, felt the hot milky cream leaving the full sacs and come rushing along the expanded tube buried within the centre of Josh’s penis. He felt it all as it exploded and forced the hot throbbing pole deeper and deeper inside.

Josh’s body exploded and he felt his milk filling the condom and coating the hot throbbing pole, not cooling it but only making it hotter. His body shook as he felt the force of his love as it came rushing back, coating his pubic hairs and dripping even down to his balls that were now empty. His mind had surrendered long ago and now his heart continued its rule. His body was still heaving as he suddenly pulled back, taking his still shaking and throbbing organ out from deep within Robbie’s body and his body then leaned forward, crushing Robbie down into the bed as he reached out and found another package. He quickly leaned back and ripped open the package, taking the small coated sheath of plastic out and he reached out, his one hand quickly grabbing the hard throbbing penis of his lover and in a second or two the hot pulsing organ was covered by the condom.

He stared up at Robbie’s startled face and he moved up, his legs on either side of Robbie now, his hands having pushed down Robbie’s legs and pushed aside the arms as he brought his body up and leaned over his lover. His eyes were glazed by the love he felt for Robbie as he reached back, grabbing the throbbing organ in his fist, and holding it steady, he lowered his own body onto the pole, feeling it slice through his own puckered hole, feeling it suddenly growing thicker in his body’s hold of it. Josh cried out as he flung his body down, impaling himself fully on Robbie’s penis.

Robbie’s eyes bulged open wider as he saw Josh’s face, saw what was happening and even as he tried to let it all sink in he felt the love coming back to him, felt the power of it growing even stronger now as his penis was wedged up tightly into the very centre of Josh’s buttocks. His body was suddenly being pressed down hard into the mattress as he felt his penis enveloped in a warmth and fire that only made his mind go blank, that made his heart roar in pleasure and his soul sing with delight. He had entered Josh and even as he felt the soft velvet flesh inside he watched as his hands reached out, tearing at Josh’s penis, and he saw the condom come off, felt the still hot cum fall to mingle on his heaving stomach and he heard the warm vibrant moan of pleasure escape Josh’s lips.

His eyes rolled back into his head as he felt the fires consuming him, his body now a molten mass of flesh that was mixed with Josh’s own burning skin. He felt the fires licking at each other, those that rose from deep in his soul with those that came from deep in Josh’s and he cried now, feeling the love holding him in its arms, holding him and caressing him, its strength only growing by the instant as his body and Josh’s continued to crash into each other. He felt Josh’s insides as they spread apart, felt the love as the muscles tried to wrap around his throbbing pole that only throbbed more, the blood in his veins now boiling as it pulsed and rushed towards the urgent cries of his penis. His body shook, as he grew dizzy, his eyes closed but there was no darkness, only the brilliant hues of light that glittered off the growing link of chain that was their love.

Robbie felt his body exploding, felt the fires reaching heavenwards and he felt his blood being drained from every part of his body except one, and he was certain that he had blown the condom off, his explosion still ringing even in his ears now as his heart raced at the speed of light, his pulse beat at the same speed as the blood pooled, as his lungs collapsed from oxygen starvation and yet he could feel the exhilaration and the pride that Josh had in him. He didn’t quite understand it, but he knew that as much as they had shared tonight, it was only the beginning for them both. Josh with his turning on of the lights, and him in letting Josh make love to him. It was all just a beginning as he felt his seed flowing out and caking his soaked pubic hairs, the rivers of sweat still flowing but gradually slowing as Josh pulled himself off, his body glistening too as he now lay stretched out at Robbie’s side.

It took them several minutes before their breathing even came close to resembling something normal and yet despite that time, they never once let their eyes move from gazing into each other’s face. He could feel Josh still inside of him as he knew that Josh still felt him inside of him. It was amazing at how much that he could suddenly understand as they lay there, their bodies touching in ways they had many times before and yet it all seemed so new, so different that it made it even more special.

Their bodies were spent as time marched on, the night hidden from them by their show of love and by the light from within them both. Robbie felt the hand across his belly, his own nestled into Josh’s shoulder and one of his hands resting on the still quivering thigh as the muscles within both bodies slowly cooled, as their ardour was spent they fell asleep, letting their bodies recoup, letting the love they had shared work its magic on the deep cuts within both of them. This time though, Robbie knew that all the rips in his body, in his very soul, would heal because he had something he never realized he had, he had love.

He stared out and watched, seeing the steady even rise of both chests, knowing that they were both finally asleep. For a moment he wondered if he should go and turn the lights off but then he just smiled, seeing the sudden flash of light against the thin silver band of the necklace, knowing that the lights would always be on, whether he turned a switch or not. He slowly lifted himself up off the stairs, pulling himself upright by holding onto the banister. His legs were stiff and numb from sitting for so long and he was tired now, very, very tired but he was glad he had snuck down when he did.

Slowly he turned to head up the stairs, but he turned to stare down into the far corner, to stare at the two naked bodies that lay on the bed, and for the first time he thought he actually understood a little bit about love, and about its power. He realized that what he had seen had not been sex, had not been some physical act but had been exactly what his father had tried to explain to him years ago, when they had that rather stilted and awkward talk that parents were supposed to have with their kids. He smiled at that because right after he had gone rushing to Josh, to get him to verify that what Papa had told him had been true. He smiled now because back then he had a brother; tonight he had found him again.

A tear trickled down his face as he walked softly up the stairs, happy that he had once more found his brother but sad too, because as much as he was happy for knowing that Joshua was still there for him, he felt sad that Justin couldn’t have been there to sit with him and see all that he had seen. He glanced upwards, wondering if maybe he had indeed been there; if maybe he had seen it from an even better vantage point than he had?

Joel closed his bedroom door softly, careful to not wake his parents up or make any more noise than necessary, though he was certain they had to have heard Josh and Robbie. Then he smiled to himself, taking his clothes off to go and climb into bed when he spotted the small curled object on his pillow. He walked over to it, to see the small locket emblazoned with the Star of David held by a gold chain resting on the pillow and he reached out, his hand trembling as he took it into his hand. His fingers trembling as he opened the locket, seeing his face and his brother’s face peering up at him, and the tears rolled down his cheeks. The locket was one his father always wore around his neck, ever since he could remember, that locket always hung under his shirt and had never been taken off; now it was in his hand, and he knew that his father was proud of him and he climbed into bed, the locket in his hand, next to his heart as he let the sleep come, as he let his heart rest, feeling his parents arms around him, feeling the love that he knew lived in this house.