Chapter 33

Part 1

The door closed behind them and Joshua stopped, turning to look at the closed door, wondering if he were right, wondering if maybe he should go back down. His eyes filled with tears as he remembered the pain in Robbie’s face, the way he seemed so determined to fight both him and Joel off so he could finish what he had started. It scared him and he wondered how his mother would handle it if he tried it again, if he decided that he could out tussle his mother to finally reach what he seemed so desperately to want?

He reached out for the door but his hand was grabbed by an older one, and he turned his face to look into his father’s eyes. The hand held his, firm but yet with a touch that spoke of love and care and not of brute force.

Abner “It will be okay Joshua, your mother is there.”

Joshua “I know Papa, but what if he…”

Abner “He won’t. Your mother, she has a way with her, trust in her as I do.”

Joshua “I am so scared Papa, you didn’t see his face. I should be there, he might… he might try…”

Abner “No, he won’t my son. Come, you and I, and Joel, we will sit, have a nosh[1. nibble, snack], talk a little perhaps, yes?”

Joshua “Okay, but, can we leave the door open a bit, I mean in case Mama needs help, we might not hear her…”

Abner could see the fear in his son’s face and he felt it, too, deep in his heart. For a second he just wanted to reach out and pull the boy into his chest, to hug him and hold him safe from all the tszuris[2. troubles, grief] he was feeling, but he knew that this just wasn’t the time, that Joshua needed to stand on his own feet, that he needed to work all this out inside free from others. Still, he was a father and so he smiled a little and reached out, turning the doorknob and pulling the door open a little, enough to at least give some comfort to Joshua. At the same time he too felt better, knowing that if she did call for him, he or the boys would better hear it if the door was open a bit.

He still didn’t know what had gone on downstairs but he could tell that both of his boys looked exhausted, drained even and he could see the terror in their faces, the way they would keep their heads down, as if they were too frightened to look at him for fear he would ask them what had happened. It made his heart ache and he wondered what dark terror could make boys so young, so innocent, feel such shame, such fear and then he squared his shoulders, knowing that this was not the time for such nonsense, this was a time for bolstering the backbone, for holding the spirit and giving it strength. He guided Joshua into the kitchen, seeing his youngest busy getting out some plates and forks, the tea kettle already plugged in and three large mugs standing by it. Abner smiled as Joel turned to look at him and Joshua and he could see the concern in his eyes, the way he searched his older brother’s face and it gave him hope, knowing that whatever else had happened, that at least they had found each other again.

Joel “There are only 3 pieces of strudel left Papa, should I save them or?”

Abner “Three? Oiy, save them or your Mama will have us all hanging by our feet, there is some cake no? And too, there is still some of her apple pie, yes?”

Joel “I think so.”

Abner “Good, Joshua, pie?”

Looking at his father he felt a slight irritation but it quickly passed as he looked into his face. There was no mistaking the strength inside of him and he realized too that he was merely giving them time, trying to show them that despite all that was going on, all the grief, the pain, the fear, that their life would still go on, that things would not change in this house at least and he smiled a little, the fear easing a tad inside as he answered, sitting down at the table.

Joshua “Okay.”

Abner “Me too, if there is enough. Joel, go get some trousers on, you’ll catch a cold otherwise.”

He glanced down to see that his robe was open and he was standing there with only his boxer shorts on. He did feel cold but he knew it wasn’t from the night air but from all that he had just gone through. His body shook a little as he glanced over at Joshua, seeing him look at him and smile a bit, and he felt a bit easier, at least for now. Joel also realized that he no longer felt uneasy being in Joshua’s presence while being in his shorts. His worry that Joshua might look at him other than as a brother no longer an issue inside of him, which made him feel relieved as he smiled back and headed to his bedroom, to pull his pants on.

Joel “Yes, Papa.”

They sat in silence as they waited for the water to boil and also as they waited for Joel to come back. They were both lost deep within their own thoughts as they heard the slamming of a drawer, the rush of feet as Joel hurried to dress and return to them. Abner smiled a little as he pictured his youngest rushing, desperate to return so he wouldn’t miss out on anything, and it reminded him so much of a younger Joshua that he turned his head, to make sure that it was now and not so many years ago.

Part 2

Abner

Joshua couldn’t have been more than 3 years old at the time, but he had been playing outside when she had come home from the doctors and had smiled at Abner, as he watched Joshua playing. He had looked up and seen her smile, and had stood up, sending Joshua to his room to clean up and he could hear his small voice protest, almost as if it were only a few minutes ago. He had put on that look of his, a quizzical stare that made him turn his head to one side as he stared up at his parents, and he had said ‘grown up talk, I wanna listen, please’ and it was the way his face became all puckered up, defiant in a way and yet so cute that he had burst out laughing, just as she had.

He leaned back in the chair, remembering it even more vividly as she had placed her hands on his cheeks, kissed him on the forehead and sent him to clean up, promising she would wait for him to come back before they had their ‘grown up talk’ and he had smiled at them both and then ran off to his room. The sounds of a child banging drawers and throwing things had echoed and they both had laughed at it, amazed at how grown up he was becoming, keeping their talk to small things, keeping their promise to wait for him.

When he had returned, he had climbed up on his lap, stared at her and then twisted his head around to look at him, as if he were checking to make sure they hadn’t had their ‘grown up talk’ yet and when he was satisfied, he leaned back into Abner’s chest, and crossed his arms and smiled, telling them in his squeaky voice it was okay for them to talk now, he was ready.

They had both laughed and then she had reached across the table, taking first Joshua’s tiny hand and then his and with a beaming face and a deep glow of red on her cheeks she informed them that there would be an addition to their family, that yes the doctor had confirmed that she was pregnant. Of course she also had to tell them that she had known that already but it was nice to know that a professional had confirmed it, just to make it official she said. He had laughed at that, smiling and pleased at the prospect of another child and then they both turned to stare down at the small figure fidgeting in his lap.

He had a determined look on his face as he stared at one then the other parent, his arms still crossed and his brow furrowed as he thought it all over, watching them, then he simply looked up at her and asked, ‘will I have to share my toys with him?’ and they both answered that it might not be a boy, that it might be a girl but that if it were a boy he’d have to share, naturally. He sat in Abner’s lap and stared at them, then he shrugged his shoulders, smiled at them, and climbed down and trotted off, his grown up talk finished or so they thought.

They sat and talked and planned for what seemed like only moments but in truth had been longer, when they heard him coming back into the kitchen. In his tiny arms were his favourite toys and he dumped them at her feet. He looked up and told her that his new brother could play with those for now, if he wanted. They still kidded Joshua about it, how he had expected Joel to just suddenly arrive and when they had explained to him it wouldn’t be for many more months yet, he had grown irritated, telling them he wanted his new brother now. He was quite adamant too but finally they had convinced him and when they had brought Joel home that first day, that night they had found Joshua in his room, curled up in his favourite blanket next to the crib, his face turned towards Joel. He had looked up at them and smiled, then he told them it took them long enough to bring him home, he had been waiting too long. He also told them in a sleepy voice that he hoped that if they were going to bring anymore brothers home, that they should be faster, that waiting was too hard for him.

It was at the instant that he knew that Joshua and Joel would be friends as well as brothers and that Joshua would always be there to look out for Joel, something that gave him a great deal of pride. Even so young Joshua had that nurturing ability, but as he stared at him now, he realized that it was Joel who had come to Joshua’s rescue, that the bond between them was very real, very strong too. and he thanked God for that.

Sitting at the table, the old battered table that seemed as much a part of their lives as anything else added some comfort to his troubled spirit. It had gone through all the tough times with them, a source of support for when Joshua had a fever and sore stomach that turned out to be an appendix, the time that Joel had kept coming home hungry or bruised, the times when she had told him about Joshua and Joel, all of it passed here at this table, and as he stared at his old weathered hands, he knew that so much more was to come, so much more that he felt afraid, but then he could see her, feel her as she would sit at this table, as she would dispense her pearls of wisdom such as the one about why he was so angry with Joshua for being a faigelah[3. homosexual, slang term, often derogatory].

He really hadn’t expected such depth of wisdom to come from her that way, the way she had simply stared at him for the umpteenth time as he argued that Joshua was mistaken, that someone else had convinced him of something he would grow out of, and she had leaned back, looking at him with that look of hers, the one that always silenced him as he waited and that time was no exception. She waited for him to stop his frothing and then she delivered her bombshell, telling him to stop being such an Alter Kocker[4. slang for old fart, geezer, old man before his time], that if he would simply open his eyes, he’d see that Joshua was the same boy he had always been, that who or what he chose for a lifestyle wasn’t for them to question, to argue about, or disapprove of. He was their son, he deserved their support, and if he would stop worrying about grandchildren he might see beyond that Joshua was not only a fine young man, but also a strong courageous man who was a credit to them both.

Boy had she been right too as he turned to once more look at Joshua, to see exactly what she had said was true. He was their son, nothing could change that and as much as he still had no clue as to what being gay was or how it happened, it should never have changed how he dealt with his son. She was right, he was deserving of no less and he felt his guilt as he understood how hard it must have been for Joshua to have come to him, to ask for his help in what he knew would be a hard task for his father. Yet, as he sat there he chided himself, because he should never have allowed his thoughts, his opinions make it harder for one of his children to seek his help.

Abner “Joshua?”

Joshua “Yes, Papa?”

Abner “This gay stuff… I don’t understand it.”

As he heard his father’s words, he felt a strange sickness inside, hoping that they would not once more get into the whole gay thing. It had been tough enough before, now he just couldn’t handle it, and as much as he loved his father, he knew that he was just too old fashioned, too wedded to a concept that wasn’t true. Being gay had not been a choice, accepting it or rejecting it, those were really the only choices he had, and he had chosen to finally accept who he was instead of rejecting the truth, instead of denying a part of what and who he was.

Joshua “I know Papa, but…”

There was that spark, that quick toss of the head to show that Joshua was digging his heels in. It was the sign he had come to recognize whenever they would get into a heated debate, a discussion that would test their own mettle but he smiled inside, because he had no intention of arguing, but instead he only wanted to let his son know that what happened in the past, was past, that he had gotten beyond that.

Abner “No, please, let me say this. I am sorry Joshua, I may not know about being gay, I know what it is in the, the technical sense, yes? What I don’t know is how it is in my sense, but that isn’t important, it should never have been so important. I let you down then, when you told us. I know I hurt you, I want you to know that as angry as I was, you were still my son. I was just too stubborn to say that, to let you know that all this, the house, the trappings, they mean nothing. All that matters to me boychik is that you and your brother know that I love you, that you are both my kinder, my reason for living, I may say stupid things at times…”

Joshua “Please Papa, don’t. I shouldn’t have told you the way I did, I don’t know, I guess I…”

Abner “No, no listen Joshua, how you told me, that should not matter. All that should matter is that you respected me enough to tell me. I let you down, your mother was right. I acted like an Alter Kocker, but I want you to know, I have never been more proud of you than I am now. You are truly a menche, your mama raised you well, we both have such naches[5. pride] from you, it is all I could ever ask for.”

He really didn’t know what to say to his father, but he smiled and reached out with his trembling hand to hold his father’s. As they touched he felt the truth in the old man’s words, felt his love seeping into his very body and he felt warm inside, the cold fear held back once more by the simple declaration of love that his father had given him, a love that he knew he could rely on. His heart felt good as the love flowed between them and they turned their heads as Joel came back into the kitchen, a t-shirt and jeans on but still he was in bare feet.

Joel “What did I miss?”

The two laughed a clear and unfettered peal as their hearts enjoyed the moment, free for a second or two of the tension of what was happening around them. Abner simply smiled as he reached out and tussled Joel’s combed hair, making the 16 year old squirm a little but he didn’t resist too hard, his own heart glad for the simple gesture as he glanced out from under his eyelashes at his big brother, who smiled and seemed to suddenly be free of all doubts, all cares for a second.

Abner “Ach, you are as bad as your older brother, always wanting to be included.”

Joshua “Hey, I wasn’t that bad!”

Abner “No? Oiy let me tell you, you were worse. Now I know where this one picked it up from, you hated it when we adults would have our ‘adult talks.’ You insisted on being included, from the moment you could talk, even when your mama tried to tell me she was expecting Joel, you had to be there.”

Joshua “Hey, I am naturally curious, think I get it from Mama’s side though.”

Joel “Boy are you lucky she didn’t hear that.”

Abner “That is for sure, come Joel, the water is boiling. We have waited for you, you have missed nothing.”

The laughter felt good and he sat back for a moment, enjoying the peace as he watched Joel fix the tea and bring it to them. He saw how he looked as he placed the mug in front of Joshua, how his eyes spoke to his brother and he thanked God for a woman like Adele, a woman who could raise such independent thinkers and yet keep their sense of family at the top of their list. They had their rocky moments, mainly because he had been stubborn; though he had to admit it was only by living with her that he had learnt to be stubborn. She could be like a mule, thank God, when it suited her purposes and he smiled, knowing she would never agree with his assessment, knowing too that he’d never hear the end of it either, if he dared tell her that.

Joel

As he poured out the water into the mugs, he wondered how his father and Joshua could look so happy when so much was going on. He also felt worried that his mother was all alone with Robbie downstairs. What if he got that way while she was there? If it was hard for both him and Joshua, she wouldn’t stand a chance at holding him off till help came, and his head seemed constantly cocked towards the basement, as if afraid that he’d miss her cry for help, afraid that he’d not be in time the next time his help was needed.

He was only just 16 and yet he felt like he had to be over a 100 the way his heart ached at times. It didn’t seem fair either, the way he was being thrust into this whole thing and there were still those flashes of anger inside, the ones that railed against Joshua for being queer, for bringing all this crap to their home and then the guilt would rise up, making him feel ashamed of those thoughts. It was just, well he didn’t really know what to feel, there was so much to think about and now he felt the worry of wondering if he’d wake up and find that Robbie had succeeded, and while a small part of him told him that if that happened at least the troubles would be over, the rest of him felt the panic and concern of how Joshua and his parents would feel.

Damn Robbie he thought, as he stirred the tea and waited for it to drain, how could he love Joshua and dare to bring all this to his family? Didn’t he have his own family to torment or was that maybe it? Maybe his own family had enough of his selfishness but then again the shame came welling up inside of him as he threw the tea bag into the cup his mother kept for used tea bags.

It was just too confusing for him and as much as he was glad that he and Joshua were slowly getting back to normal, he still couldn’t quite accept all that was happening. His nerves were still too raw, too young maybe to comprehend all that he was being forced to contend with. After all, he just wanted to play basketball, to enjoy his high school time and maybe get a bit of popularity out of it too. He had paid his dues back in Toronto, being the Jew kid, the one who really wasn’t exactly picked first or even fourth come to think of it for school yard games. He had a chance this year to change all that, now it was only going to be worse than even Toronto had been.

He felt like he was being cheated, that Joshua had once more taken from what should have been his time, his moment in the family spotlight but all that was gone and worse, he knew that it could even mean that his father might lose his job. How could Joshua not have thought about all that? How could he, after all he had done to them all, simply walk back into their lives and expect their support? It wasn’t fair, and a scowl came to his face as he struggled with all that was boiling up inside of him.

There was the strange feeling of love that he had for Joshua, the sudden knowledge that Joshua had stuck up for him without being asked, had stopped the bullying back in Toronto and he was grateful for that, but again Joshua never had told him about it, never really explained until now. Was he supposed to just forgive him for making everyone nuts for all those months because he decided to out himself? Was that how it worked or was he missing something?

Slowly he took a deep breathe, careful to let it out just as slowly as he tried to figure things out inside, to find out why he felt so angry at times and then so worried for Joshua? How could he be pissed at him one second and yet so damn scared for him in the same instant? It was too confusing and as he reached for the sugar bowl, he wondered if he were not so much angry at Joshua as maybe he was at himself for not looking harder, for not seeing how much Joshua had been hurting all those years while hiding who he was?

He had seen the way Joshua had smiled at him when his father told him to go and get some clothes on. There had been that sudden urge to look at Joshua, to see if he were secretly checking him out and there was also that shame for thinking that, but it was how he felt, didn’t that count for something? Maybe he should have talked more to Joshua about it, maybe he should have talked more to his parents even but he doubted if they understood this gay stuff any more than he did. There really wasn’t anyone else he could ask, at least not without risking being branded as queer himself, which most likely he already was being thought of as, thanks to those jerks on television.

Christ that pissed him off too, the way Joshua had stood by Robbie, how they had both given that jerk reporter exactly what he had come for, the sex story of the decade, the high school hero turned queer and his brother had walked right into the trap. God he used to think Joshua was smart, but that was a bonehead play or was it? Maybe there too was something he had missed, maybe, but what? What was it that he kept missing?

Stirring the tea, he wondered why it was that he was missing so much, he got good grades so he knew it couldn’t be that he was stupid or slow, so how come he never saw any of this coming or how come he couldn’t figure all this out? Why was it so complicated and worse, what if he missed something really important, something that might help his father or Joshua? It would be his fault then if things went bad, or what if, Christ, what if he missed a sign that Robbie was going to try again, would his death then be his fault? God how could he live with himself knowing something he missed had led to something as horrible as that?

Joel felt his body shake and shudder as all the thoughts went flying around inside of him and yet as he stirred the tea, he could feel a strange warmth coming to him, slowly it was warming his back and he knew that Joshua was watching him, that somehow Josh knew all that he was thinking too and the shame started to come back, started to overwhelm him as he felt the tears welling up inside but this time it stopped, the warm glow stopping it from reaching his heart, stopping it from overtaking him and he felt the shaking ease up.

He had always felt close to Josh, but he also had always wondered why it was so different between them and not like all his other friends. He used to hear them talk about how their older brothers would pick on them, would rat them out for something or chase them away and he never knew what to say, because Josh never did that. He rarely refused to let Joel tag along, rarely picked on him even and he had even taken the rap for him a few times with his parents, so why all this anger towards him? What was it about Josh being gay that made him feel so angry, so betrayed even?

Looking back he couldn’t find anything that would help, that would tell him or give him a way to explain how he was feeling. It was so confusing and yet he had felt Josh’s heart beating with his downstairs, as they fought with Robbie. He had felt Josh’s pain even and he could still feel some of it inside as he picked up the mugs, wondering how that could be, how he could feel some of what Joshua was feeling?

He put the mug down in front of his father and glanced up, looking into the man’s warm glowing eyes and he felt himself suddenly stand up straight, as he felt his father’s eyes probing his, and he could feel his strength reaching inside and then he felt his body shake a little, as he heard his father’s voice, even though his lips weren’t moving.

Abner “You are afraid boychik?”

Joel “Yes, Papa.”

Abner “We all are, you are no different than any of us.”

Joel “You don’t look afraid.”

Abner “Looks are never what count my boy, it is what is inside that matters. And inside we all have our doubts, our fears, our confusion.”

Joel “I get so angry, Papa.”

Abner “I know, you are confused so you get angry. It is natural, we all get mad at things we do not understand. Then when we finally figure it out, we wonder how we could have gotten so angry.”

Joel “Does it ever get easier?”

Abner “No boychik, it doesn’t, it is a part of growing up. You learn though, you learn to listen, to wait till your anger has cooled before you choose. But some things, some you never question, one of those is that your family is yours. They may not always do what you expect, act how you would like, but they are still your family, they are still part of you. Without them you are just an aimless piece of a puzzle, with them you are an army.”

It was strange how his father’s eyes could be soft one second, then like steel the next. He could feel his eyes, the way they worked down into his soul, talking to him in a language that needed no words, no vocalization and he felt the warmth inside, the love that the man had for him as he tried to calm him down, as he tried to give him the knowledge he ached for. His whole mind was suddenly closed as his heart thundered and he could feel the words reaching his soul and caressing it, calming his doubts even as he began to move away, to put the mug for Joshua down.

He turned his body but his head still held his father’s gaze and he could hear the words clearly inside, as his father spoke of how Joshua used to sleep by his crib, keeping an eye on him when he was a baby, how he would always be around him when he was a toddler in case he fell, how he would always follow him to school, making himself late sometimes and never once complaining about the detentions he got for it, because he knew that he would rather take detention than not watch over Joel. He heard it all in the split second it took and he felt the tears in his eyes as his face turned to look at his older brother.

Joel felt the sense of hesitation in Joshua as he slowly lifted his face up, almost as if Josh were afraid to look at him, afraid that what had passed between them downstairs wouldn’t last this long, that perhaps it had been a fleeting moment of peace between them. He felt the shame inside for all his doubts, knowing he still had them but knowing too that somehow it would all work out. He waited, needing to let Joshua look up at him, willing him even to do so in order to let his older brother know that what they shared downstairs, what they had meant to each other long before Robbie came into the picture was still there. He waited and as his eyes finally were able to peer into Joshua’s, his heart was already pushing forward, sending his love outwards, knowing that it would be met long before it reached Joshua’s own heart.

Joshua

He couldn’t shake the vision of Robbie’s eyes from his mind, he could see the blank stare even now and it terrified him even more as he kept glancing towards the basement door, wondering what she was saying to him, wondering what he was telling her, if anything? He could feel the need to know welling up inside, his patience no longer there as it was replaced by a burning desire to know it all, to know what horror had touched Robbie that he fought to die.

It just didn’t make sense. Robbie was never a violent person, he was gentle and sweet, at least so he had thought. There was a darkness to him, yes, but it was more like he had a mystery and in many ways it added to his charm, to his persona that had attracted him to Robbie in the first place. There was that hint of naughtiness that made him so damn sexy too, and yet now he realized that it was much more than just a hint or just an indiscretion, that instead it was something far more complicated, dangerous even.

Joshua kicked himself too, for not seeing that before, at not recognizing it and maybe if he had, he could have forced the issue, could have dug until he got answers and if he had done that instead of living in a dream world maybe Robbie wouldn’t have tried to kill himself. Maybe he wouldn’t still be feeling like death was better than living.

Sitting there he vowed that no matter what, he would have to know the truth, even if it meant Robbie hating him for pressing, he couldn’t help that. Much better to have Robbie hate him than himself, at least then maybe he’d not think death was such a relief, such a worthwhile goal. The feeling of helplessness grew once more inside of his heart as he sat there, lost in the nightmare of earlier and yet just as he thought he couldn’t take it anymore, he once more felt the press of Joel’s body against his, of that strong bond suddenly coming back up to join them together and he sighed, feeling tired and exhausted but satisfied that at least he still had that. Maybe there really was hope if he could just remember that feeling, that surge of energy he felt the very instant that Joel’s young body pressed into his, maybe then he and Robbie might stand a chance at getting through all this.

His heart was heavy still, despite all that he felt from Joel. He still knew that he was angry, that he still had issues that he would have to face and he grew angry himself, not so much at him or at Robbie but at life, and at God. How could people be so cruel, so mean spirited just because some were different than them? How could it make them feel any better by cutting down, by hurting, ridiculing and even harassing others simply because they weren’t part of that great majority of so called normal people? It angered him and he could feel his blood boiling with the rage he had inside, wondering if he could ever feel so helpless as Robbie obviously did?

What was it that gave some like him the family he had and others the family they had? How could any family not support their own flesh and blood? Okay, he knew that he had hurt his parents; he knew that his brother had been disgusted with him and look at them, look at how they came to his aid when he had finally asked? Granted, it hadn’t been easy to ask, but still, at that moment in time they were all he could think about, there were no others he even considered asking for help, so why didn’t Robbie see that? Why didn’t he ask him, did he not love him enough to think of him as family? Was it that or was it that he hadn’t shown Robbie that he loved him enough to be thought of as family?

He doubted the questions would ever stop, not until he finally summoned up the courage to ask the only person who could give him the answers, and that was Robbie. He had to know, no matter what it might cost, if for no other reason than peace of mind.

Joshua felt terrified at possibly losing Robbie, and in some ways he thought he might already have lost him, but then he would see that look, a passing glance and he would feel hope again, but was that enough for him? He never wanted a complicated love affair, all he wanted was someone to share things with, someone to spend time with enjoying life, and he sat there, wondering if that was even possible now with Robbie? Could all that have been thrown away simply because Robbie had a secret of some kind that made him look to death as an escape? Could he ever trust Robbie again or would he be spending every second of their time together wondering if Robbie would once more suddenly decide that this was it, this was the time to try again?

So many things to think about and all of it revolved around what Robbie’s answers would be even though he had a good idea of what it was. He just didn’t know how he would have handled it if it were him in Robbie’s shoes, but then, he also knew there was no way his parents could ever abuse him. Hell if he was right and it was Robbie’s father who was the cause, he knew it would never have happened with his dad. First of all his father didn’t seem like the type who would enjoy sex, of any kind really, and secondly his mother would kill him if he dared to touch one of her boys. There was nothing more fierce than a outraged Jewish mother, of that he had first hand knowledge.

He smiled inside as he recalled how she had called him, after finding out somehow that the guy he was seeing, the one who had egged him into outing himself to them, had urged him to defy them and stay in Toronto, had left him and it was in that call that he got his first hand experience with an outraged Jewish mother, his.

He still hadn’t been able to find out what all the Yiddish words had meant, but she had quickly vented her anger at his so called lover and then had told him, not asked, told him that his father was sending a ticket, one way from Toronto to Victoria and she would meet him at the airport. He had tried to tell her no, but the steel in her voice had so startled him that he became a mute. She had not given him a moments peace either, calling him almost every few minutes it seemed when in fact it was only two or three more times before it was time for him to leave for the airport.

The conversation didn’t really register but her tone had. He could remember hardly any of the words but he could remember with vivid clarity her tone, and he still felt slightly in awe of it even though he knew she would never hurt him, it was just the way that she spoke and the inflection in each word, that made him realize that he couldn’t deny her, that it would be much safer to acquiesce and move to Victoria. He had agreed in the first phone call but she wasn’t convinced, said she wouldn’t be until he got off the plane which had made him smile, the pain of his betrayal by his ex no longer ripping into his heart. For the first time he didn’t feel so alone and as he sat there now, at the same kitchen table that he remembered as a toddler even, he realized exactly what she had done.

He had to sit back in wonder, at how calculating she had been even, because that ticket couldn’t have gotten arranged that fast, not even for her so it had to have been arranged for first, and then her call but how the hell had she known about his break up? He never had found out about that, and for a second or two he mused about asking her, knowing he’d get nowhere but still, it was a challenge and he did like a good challenge, as she well knew.

It was like a light bulb had burst next to his ears, the explosion rang so loudly inside as he realized now that she had tricked him. Somehow she had a spy that had kept her informed, and he had to chuckle because who else but his mother would dare to think of such a thing? It was just like her too, to bide her time and then pick the absolute right moment to strike, which was no wonder than no one in the house ever really stood a chance against her, she knew what to say, when to say it, and more importantly how to say it.

Thinking about it, he knew that right now she was the very best medicine for Robbie, that whatever it was that was eating away at him, she would find it out, maybe not all, maybe not any tonight, but she would find out and when she did, he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of her anger. He knew too that she would be angry, because he was certain that it had something to do with Robbie’s father, something he didn’t even want to really think about right now.

Funny, he was doing exactly what Robbie was doing, he was hiding out and it made him feel ashamed too, as he stared at his brother’s back, watching him fix the tea. It was like looking at a carbon copy and yet there was 3 years between them, but he knew what was inside of Joel, he always knew and tonight was not any different. He could feel his hostility, his anger, his confusion and he had to admit, he felt much the same way too.

It was like a never ending struggle inside, wondering if how he cared for Joel would survive, just as Joel wondered perhaps if Joshua even cared for him, or if he did in what way did he care for him? So much to think about and for him, all he could think about was how good it had felt to feel Joel next to him, helping him in a way that maybe Joel had yet to understand.

He wasn’t stupid either, he had seen how Joel had stared at him when his father had told him to go get dressed, he had seen the wondering eyes, the question that was on the end of his tongue as they looked at each other. Still he didn’t know how he could convince him that he never really thought of him in that way, that his tastes weren’t inwards but for others, mind you it did look like he hadn’t done too well in that department either. His anxiety grew too as he thought about Joel, feeling his anger, his confusion, and as much as the memory of that brief bonding downstairs still filled his heart with joy, his mind couldn’t help but question how long it would last. He still couldn’t accept that it was here to stay but then he still didn’t acknowledge that it had never left either.

The confusion he felt seemed never ending too as he turned his head slightly, taking in the sight of his father sitting there, calmly waiting for Joel to bring them the tea. Now there was a man that defied description, because every time he thought he knew who his father was, what he thought his father was, the man would do something that would stun him, even surprise him. He certainly wasn’t confined to one set mold either, and it amazed him that he could sit here so calmly while his wife was downstairs dealing with only God knew what.

Everything was so confusing to him, so pressing too as if somehow he was supposed to figure all this stuff out at once but he couldn’t, and he felt like somehow he was failing, not just himself but failing Robbie too not to mention his family, specially his father. He couldn’t explain it, but he knew that his father had been deeply hurt by his announcement of being gay, he couldn’t quite understand why it should matter to him and as he looked over at him, he wondered if they would ever truly get past that? Would there ever be peace between them like before or would his being gay always be a stumbling block?

Joshua watched as his brother set the mug down in front of their father and he could see the way they looked at each other. He could almost see the sparks pass between them and he felt a twinge of jealousy, as he knew that they were talking to each other, talking between their hearts and he cried a little inside, wishing once more for that special bond that he once had with his father too, knowing that it had been broken too. His heart felt heavy and he wondered now if he would ever have what he once had, not just with his father but with his brother. That hurt the most perhaps because they had been like twins despite the age difference and he thought that perhaps what he had felt downstairs had simply been a passing moment, one he might not recapture.

His whole body seemed to sag as he felt so unsure, so scared really that he just didn’t have the stamina to weather this particular storm, that it was all too much all at once and yet he knew he had to keep going, had to keep trying because the alternative was just too frightful to even think about. His mind recoiled each time the thought of failing came to the forefront and yet he was smart enough to know that he could never do it alone. If only he had done things differently, if only he had talked to Joel long before he had sprung the news on everyone, maybe then he’d have a better chance, maybe then he’d not be so worried that Joel would turn his back on him.

Joshua could sense Joel near by, could feel his presence and he knew that he was there, waiting to look at him and his heart quivered in trepidation, unsure what it would find once it did look into his brother’s eyes. He prayed silently, hoping that what he had felt downstairs would still be there, would not have gone back into hiding where he couldn’t find it. Tears were close as he slowly lifted his face, squinting as if that would help but eventually he had no choice, and his eyes stared outwards, gazing questioningly into Joel’s face and he felt the bond once more. He felt the strength and the love reaching for him even as his heart suddenly felt the fear coming back as the sounds of feet on the stairs suddenly intruded.

Part 3

As he answered the fears of one son, he could feel the doubts and recriminations of the other son and his heart felt sad, knowing that his job was only just beginning, even as the sounds of footsteps began on the far off stairs. His heart ached and yet deep inside his soul, he knew that she had worked her magic once more, that for now the crisis was past, but that a new one was emerging too. His eyes sought out Joshua’s but he saw how he was looking at Joel, and he sighed, knowing that maybe what he needed most now was the love that only a brother could offer him. The worse was perhaps still to come but so far, he knew they had passed HIS test, they were still a family and maybe in some ways, they were even stronger for it.

His mind turned away from the worries of his boys as he listened to the steps, hearing hers and he could feel the heaviness of her heart as she came up the stairs. So, he had told her, his heart told him and he sighed, knowing how she would feel, knowing the agony it would bring to her and his own heart leapt out, trying to find its way to her, to help her with the terrible burden that now lay on her very soul.

She had been through so much with her mother, the constant fight that she had in trying to convince that old woman that there was no shame in having survived what could only be described as the ultimate in man’s cruelty to his fellow man. She had lived her life believing that somehow, surviving the death camps was not a sign of courage, not a testament to her strength but instead was an act of cowardice, of shame. She never really did get over those feelings and he knew that Adele had tried her best, had done everything possible and yet too, he knew that somehow Adele felt she had failed her own mother.

In some ways he knew that she and Robbie shared a common guilt, the guilt of surviving. He felt his age then as he heard the hesitant steps of the young man coming with his wife’s own steps and he wondered if this would ever end, if the pain and suffering would ever cease or would it just merely dull and lie in wait for the next weak moment? Would Robbie ever stop feeling guilty, stop feeling like he had been the source of all this or would the love of his family and his eldest be enough?

He shook his head to clear it as he felt her heart reaching for his, knowing the pain she now felt inside, feeling it himself and he sat upright, a thin smile on his face as he knew that it was important to stay calm, to show that as much as the pain held power, it couldn’t beat them, it couldn’t win and he stared quickly at the two boys, seeing their own fear etched on their faces. His heart reached for them too, just as it was stretching for her and even for Robbie.

Abner “Joel, I think we need two more mugs, yes?”

Joel stammered a little as he could feel the cold fear in Joshua’s heart and he turned to his father, his eyes finally able to break away from his brother’s face and from the door, his pulse racing as he quickly turned to obey and to allow the distraction to ease the doubts he was feeling. Joshua braced himself as he heard his father’s calm voice and his head quickly sought him out, looking at the way he sat there, his head erect and for a moment he thought his father had grown taller, the way he sat so tall in the chair and the eyes were blazing too, a spark in them that seemed to be saying ‘Come and deal with me, I am not afraid, I will win, so come, I am ready’ and he was calmed by the defiance he saw, by the love too as he felt it curl around his own troubled heart. He too then sat upright, the cup in his hand but his heart no longer quivering in pure terror as he saw the basement door swing open, his mother’s head appearing next.

She had felt his heart reaching for hers as she climbed up the stairs; feeling like each step was a mountain that needed conquering. Her spirits were bruised and battered as she felt his love touching hers and she smiled, her step suddenly growing in strength and her hand squeezed Robbie’s hand, holding it tightly and she knew that now she could face it, now she could deal with the horror that had been unleashed because he was still with her, he was still reaching for her and in need of her. Her step grew even stronger as she saw the door, knowing that he was just on the other side of it, waiting for her with open arms and a warm heart that was hers to have, whenever she needed it.

They came out into a hallway lit by lights, the glow blinding her for a moment as she turned to see the kitchen lights as well. For a second she felt an irritation, wondering if they were all crazy having so many lights on and then she relaxed, no longer the housewife struggling with the daily budget. She knew that they needed the lights on right now, if for nothing else than to show that the darkness could be defeated, a symbol perhaps and she thanked HIM for giving whoever the sense to not heed her constant nagging to keep the lights off when not needed. Her heart was troubled and so it was reaching for things that were familiar, she recognized that and yet there wasn’t time for such idle thoughts as they walked into the kitchen, seeing Joel fixing two mugs of tea.

Her eyes took it all in, the way her Abner was sitting, proud and defiant and her heart joined with his in a reunion. She thanked him for his support as her smile flashed at him and her head nodded slightly, her eyes moist with tears of joy at just seeing him there. She felt his love holding her as her eyes swept across to see Joshua, to see how he was trying to hold himself erect, hold himself unafraid in mimic of his father and she felt the pride only a real mother could feel at his attempt, knowing how much it was costing him. She looked across to see Joel, his hair a bit tussled and dishevelled but he looked so handsome, so vulnerable that her heart beat a bit faster, worry crossing her brow but her husbands voice echoed inside, calming her, telling her that he was okay, that Joel would be fine and she relaxed, the smile still on her face.

Adele “Nu, you are all having a party here or what?”

Abner “Of course, what else would we be doing?”

Adele “So, can we join your party?”

Abner “Naturally, it is in your honour, as usual.”

Her face broke into a grin as she heard the light banter, knowing exactly what Abner was doing and thankful for it as well. She turned to her two boys and Robbie as she spoke, adding to the upbeat mood, easing the tension that she could feel from the younger ones, knowing that Abner might be tense as well but that he had it under control. He was such a rock at times and once more she thanked HIM for her husband, telling HIM that in that at least he had done good.

Adele “Always with the right words, such a good husband, take notes boys, this is how you treat your partner, yes? Come Joel, some honey in my tea please, Robbie?”

He didn’t know what it was he had expected once he got up here, but this wasn’t it. Everything looked so calm, so peaceful and normal that for a minute or two his mind thought that everything that had happened had been a dream, but the pain that suddenly welled up inside proved that a lie. He could feel something in the air, something in the room that he wasn’t familiar with, but he had begun to feel that strange sensation before, when he was with Joshua mostly, but it was here too, even more noticeable than before.

Robbie “Uh, sugar is fine, uh thanks.”

Adele “So, any strudel left or did you eat it all?”

Abner “Would we dare do that? We saved you both some. Joel, bring some plates and the strudel for your mother and Robbie.”

Joel “Yes, Papa, uh, one or two spoons Robbie?”

He had his head turned away from the wall, looking passively at Robbie and he could feel the fear that consumed his brother’s lover, if that was what you called him, and he could feel the strangeness dissipate as he spoke to him. It was almost as if this were how it should be, that as much as he still didn’t understand the relationship between two guys, what he was staring at seemed natural, as if it were still just the family sitting in the kitchen.

Robbie “Uh, one thanks, uh…”

It was all so normal, no one really looking like they would jump out of their skin at his presence and he was confused, not sure what it was that he was witnessing, but whatever it was it gave him hope, something he still couldn’t quite believe existed for him. The sound of a chair scraping on the floor startled him as he saw Joshua standing up. Their eyes met for a mere second before Robbie pulled his away, afraid to look into Joshua’s face even and he stared down at his feet and the floor.

Joshua “Here, take my chair, I’ll pull up the stool…”

Joel “Take mine Josh, I’ll sit on the stool next to Papa…”

His head quickly turned towards Joel and he saw the look, and once more he felt that bond they once had reaching for him and he felt easier, calmer even as he pulled the chair from one end to place it next to his, taking Joel’s chair and placing it from where he had taken the other. He saw his mother over by the counter smiling at Joel and at him as she put the strudel on the plates, two pieces on one and then taking them in her hands, she brought the plates to the table. Joel brought the tea, placing them side by side, and he then turned and brought the stool over, moving his mug over a bit closer to his father, and sat down.

Robbie saw the way everyone seemed to move, shuffling a little as they made room at the table, and he saw the pulled away chair, sitting between Joshua and his mother. His heart ached as he realized that they had him next to her and next to Joshua. He looked up at her face, saw the way she smiled at him as she put the plate with the two pieces down at his seat, and she nodded, urging him forward and slowly he moved closer, feeling the fear but also feeling her reassurances that seemed to just ooze from her. There was so much confidence in her face that he couldn’t resist and so he sat down, next to her and to Joshua. As he sat down, he felt Joshua’s hand reaching for him and he turned, fear etched across his face but instead of finding something to fear, he saw nothing but a look of complete love. The tears rose up inside of him as he let his hand reach out and be taken into Joshua’s warm grip, suddenly feeling the hope surging inside of him as he joined their family.