Chapter 32

Adele & Robbie

The sounds of their footsteps slowly trudging up the stairs made her heart ache as she held the terrified boy in her arms, feeling his pain as his body shook to it. She knew the heaviness of grief lay on his young shoulders, just as it lay on her whole family. The way they walked up the stairs, silent and slow, showing the depths of their own pain, their own uncertainty but she knew that Abner would tend to their needs for now, that he would stand in for her while she tried to bring peace to Robbie.

Her hands moved slowly and gently across his brow and she held him close, feeling his wet tears on her shoulder, feeling his warm breath against her bosom and she rocked a little, gently letting the motion calm his frayed nerves, knowing that whatever was tearing at him would not end until he was ready, until he had exorcised the demons within his very soul. She knew too that she had a role to play and as her lips whispered softly into his ear, just reassuring him, just comforting him, she prayed silently to her God.

Adele stared heavenwards, her face sad and grey as she once more invoked her special rights as one of his ‘chosen’ to appeal to him, to garner for Robbie his mercy and his love. She knew that he cared, she just didn’t understand how HE could not act on that, how he could let someone so young be so filled with pain and sorrow but then too she also realized that maybe he wasn’t just standing idly by, maybe he really did have a plan, a purpose and maybe she and her family were somehow a part of that plan.

How else could you explain it, she wondered, as she rocked Robbie in her arms, hearing the sobs slowly ease and she could feel his heart gradually slowing down, the rush of pain and torment being held in check at last as her mind continued to question, to probe the Almighty’s plans, to try and pick out what it was that HE wanted from her and from her inconsequential family. Why had he brought this boy to her now? Was it a way to bring her own son back to his family or was it something more, was it just one more of those tests than she wasn’t supposed to understand but pass none the less? Ach, such a mess she thought, if only HE was a SHE, then maybe things would be different, yes?

Robbie “I am sorry.”

She looked down into his eyes, saw the grief that was filling his soul and her heart trembled a little as she saw a glimpse of his sorrow, of his pain and it hurt her, made her lips purse together as she stared into his pain filled eyes.

Adele “Yes I know that, but you have nothing to be sorry for, you are not a bad boy, this I know.”

He felt the power of her as she held him in her arms and he finally summoned up the nerve to look up, to peer into her eyes, and he didn’t find what he had expected. There was no anger, no remorse even but instead just a soft warm glow of ease, of maybe even love and it struck him hard, making his young tortured body tremble as his mind couldn’t believe what it was seeing. How could this woman care so deeply for him? She barely knew him and yet he could see that she really did care, that it wasn’t just words or some silly do-good notion, but it was real, it reached up for him from deep within her but how could it? How could she?

Robbie “I am not a good boy, oh God I wish I was… I am evil, don’t you see that? How can you be fooled like this? I am no good, you are all better off without me being here…”

She saw it in his eyes and her heart leapt out for his, trying to hold it, to console it because she knew that no one his age could be that way, it wasn’t possible even though she had known what evil was, she knew that he wasn’t that. Her heart cried as it fought for him, in a war that she knew relied on her faith as much as it did on her courage. Her hands held his, squeezing them to show him she was here, that she wasn’t going to run.

Adele “Stop that, there is none of that meshugassism allowed here. You are not evil, no boy your age could be evil, none, you are a mere child yet, you have had a bad time, yes, but evil? No, that I know you are not, and I am not so easily fooled my boy, I have known the devil, I have seen his face, and he is not you.”

His eyes searched hers for some sign, some signal that she was just saying the words but he couldn’t find any, and his mind continued to flounder among a strange sea of confusion. His mind told him he was bad, that he was evil and as he recalled all that he had done, all that he had allowed to be done, how could anyone not see that he was evil? She may think he wasn’t, but he knew differently, or so he thought and yet something in her voice, something in her tone held him from pushing her away, from running once more so he could end his reign of evil.

Robbie “You don’t understand…”

Adele “There are many things I don’t understand, but I can listen, you can enlighten me, make me understand.”

Robbie “NO, no I can’t, if I do… you will hate me, all of you will hate me.”

It was the way he said it that shook her and she wondered what could any boy his age have done that would make him hate himself with such a passion? How could any mere child like him be in so much pain and no one had noticed before now? Her heart grew quiet as she knew that it was up to her to show him he was wrong, to show him that he wasn’t the bad evil monster he believed himself to be.

Looking into his troubled face she knew the signs, had seen them many times before too in the very face of her own mother. It was the sign of guilt that a survivor had and she felt his pain and she felt her mother’s pain once more too. She could understand pain, that was something she knew all too well and as she sat there, seeing his lips quivering from the pain, she knew too that it wasn’t just that he had survived, but that he had failed to right what he thought he had done wrong.

Staring into his face, the way he tried to cover up his feelings only reminded her more of her mother and how she would sometimes just break down and cry. No reason, she would just suddenly stop what she was doing and cry and yet when asked why, she always said it was no reason but she knew. She had always known and now looking at him, she could see that same look, that same guilt that her own mother always carried with her. It was a terrible burden for a soul to carry alone, and she knew it was up to her to make him share it, to help him lessen the burden by letting him know he wasn’t alone.

Adele “Boychik, no one here could hate you, it just isn’t in any of us, not in my husband, not in my boys. They were raised not to hate, and there is nothing, nothing that you could have done that would make us change that, nothing.”

Robbie “You don’t understand.”

Adele “Nu, so tell me what it is I don’t understand, yes?”

Robbie “I can’t…”

Adele “Because you are afraid?”

Robbie “Yes.”

The sound of utter defeat was in every word he spoke, she could feel it as she tried to make him listen, tried to reach that still one spot inside of him that might allow him to once more have hope, to once more have a chance at being who she thought he could be. Her heart ached for him as she wrestled with his demons.

Adele “I am here, nothing is going to happen to you, I won’t let it.”

Robbie “Yes you will! I can’t, it is, please, let me go. Lt me leave before I hurt all of you, too.”

Adele “Hurt us? You couldn’t even if you wanted to. Come mien kinder, have a little faith, ya?”

Robbie “Faith?”

Adele “Yes, faith, faith in trusting in something your kop[1. head, mind] says not to believe but your heart begs you to. Faith boychik, it is how dreams become real, so yes, have some faith.”

Robbie “My dreams turn into nightmares, there is no hope, you…”

Adele “No nightmares, I swear to you, emmess”

Robbie “Emmess?”

Adele “On my word, my honour, you understand?”

Robbie “Yes but you won’t keep it, you couldn’t once you know…”

Adele “I have never broken a vow in my life, I am too old to start now. So come Robbie, sit back, tell me what it is, I won’t hate you, I can’t hate you.”

Robbie “Can’t? Why?”

Adele “You love Joshua?”

Robbie “Yes.”

Adele “There you go, that is why. You love my son, how could I hate someone with such good taste, huh?”

Robbie “He will despise me too after he finds out.”

Adele “If he were to do such a thing, I’d put him over my knee and give him such a spanking, he’d not sit for a whole day. He is not that way, he has a good heart Robbie, I know because it was born from love, a little from me, a little from his father, hate is not in him, just love.”

Robbie “He will, you all will.”

Adele “No, you have my word on it; come, look at me Robbie, you can see I am telling you the truth, you can tell.”

She was speaking so softly and yet he could hear the power in her voice, her command was the one thing he didn’t want to obey and his mind continued to fight her power, continued to tell him that there was no hope but something about her voice, something inside the tone and the lilt had awakened something else deep inside of him. His heart ached and the pain was remorseless and yet listening to her, hearing her soft words and gentle tone seemed to ease the strain, ease the heavy burden inside.

She could see him struggling with his thoughts; see him being torn between what he thought he knew and what he wanted to believe. Her heart ached for him as he held his hand, waiting patiently for his heart to find the courage to meet her gaze, to meet the truth of her words.

Robbie “Why?”

Adele “Why what?”

Robbie “Why do you care?”

Adele “Ach, you know the answer to that, you already answered that yourself, how could I not care for you? You think you love my boy and that I wouldn’t care for you as I do for him?”

Robbie “But I am not, I mean I thought you and your husband didn’t, I mean…”

Adele “The gay thing? You thought we are opposed to that?”

Robbie “Aren’t you?”

Adele “No, how can we be opposed to something we know nothing about? This gay stuff, what does a girl from a small country town know about that? All I know is that my son loves you and you happen to be another boy, which makes it complicated, yes? But this I do know, he loves you, that is enough for me and for his father too; the rest, well, we’ll learn as we go.”

It wasn’t what he had expected and yet inside, somewhere long since cut off he could feel that it was exactly what he had hoped to hear, had desperately wanted to hear. The sound of her certainty that Joshua loved him was too much and his tears began again, his heart throbbed with the pain that he knew he was causing Josh and now her too, and he hated himself, knowing it was his fault, that he had brought all this onto them.

She saw the face grow taut, saw the eyelids fluttering and her heart began to ache as the tears trickled down his face. Her hands felt the deep tremors running through his young body as she waited, just holding his hand until the moment finally passed and he could once more speak.

Robbie “Does he uh, does he really love me?”

The words were barely audible to her but she could feel the desperation in them, feel his fear that she might say it wasn’t so, and she held his hands. She knew that Joshua did indeed love him and so too did she, almost as if he too were one of hers.

Adele “Do you love him?”

Robbie “Yes, with all my heart I do.”

Adele “Then you know that what I said is true, that he loves you.”

Robbie “How can he? He doesn’t know… he doesn’t know, no one does, no one.”

The pain was like a steam roller the way it came out with each word, the way it hit her square in the face and yet she didn’t flinch, she didn’t let it tear into her as she held his hands, rubbing them in hers, holding his aching spirit so it wouldn’t break into more pieces. Her heart was heavy with sorrow for him but it also was filled with nothing but love too as she knew the struggle he was feeling, knew the pain he was enduring.

‘Gotten himmel, how can you let one so young suffer so? Mien Gotte, he is but a baby still? Have you no shame, no mercy for your own children?’

The anger in her soul had struck out, calling HIM once more to account to her but it was merely a means for her to collect her thoughts, to once more concentrate on the boy who was in such pain, the one who had captured her Joshua’s heart. Her soul had cried out to HIM as it always did, not because she hated HIM but because she loved HIM and yet she didn’t understand it, comprehend it even.

She knew nothing about gays, nothing at all but she knew that the world didn’t understand them either. She knew too that some who didn’t understand made cruel comments, did cruel thinks and yes, even tried to kill that which they didn’t understand but that was out there, not here, at least not yet.

There was no answer to her and she glanced upwards again, her eyes searching the ceiling as if there might be a message or some sign but in her heart she knew there wouldn’t be, least not one that she would understand. So many things left to chance, to interpretation but Robbie’s pain was real, his suffering was real and not mistaken and so she squared her shoulders, once more the calm patient mother that she knew she had to be.

Adele “Secrets eat your soul. They are not good things, that is why everyone needs a partner, a mate, to help share the burden of those secrets. It is why families exist, to ease the pain of one by sharing that which frightens them. Come Robbie, your secret is eating you up, it is time you shared it with those of us who love you, who are your family.”

Robbie “No, no I can’t, it is too, it is too horrible; I can’t say it, I would if I could.”

Adele “So, you are afraid? That is natural, but you must have some trust, we are not going to hate you, no matter what.”

Robbie “You will, you don’t know.”

Adele “No I don’t, so, tell me. What is it, you took a gun and went out and shot someone?”

Robbie “What? No, of course not, that is…”

Adele “Wrong, yes?”

Robbie “Yes, but…”

Adele “But what?”

Robbie “There are other ways of killing someone, more horrible ways.”

Her heart skipped a beat or two and she could feel a cold wave of panic coming towards her but she willed it away, holding herself under a tight control. There was no way anyone would notice the terrible battle she was raging inside her as she sat there, her hands holding his hands and as she looked at him, saw the way he hung his head, the way he was almost ashamed to look at her only made her determination more forceful within. There was so much she wanted to say and yet she knew he had to tell her in his way, in his own time too but she also knew that time was running out, that unless he spoke the demons would win and she vowed that they would not win this one, not without one hell of a fight at least.

Adele “Come, sit up and look at me, come on, up.”

He heard her words and he didn’t want to sit up, he didn’t want to look at her as the fear of her finding out what he really was frightened him. He couldn’t explain it but it was important that she didn’t come to hate him, as he knew she would once she found out the truth about him. Yet, even as he tried to fight her, to refuse her command he knew in his heart that he couldn’t. Her power was somehow too great for him and so he sat up, his face trembling as his slowly raised it to the sound of her voice. His eyes were barely opened, trying to avoid seeing her disappointment, her disgust at him for the very least, but as his head came up, he was once more amazed to see none of what he had expected.

Her hand reached up from his lap, and she gently brushed the back of it against his cheek, wiping away the rolling tears that still fell down his face unheeded. Her eyes swept across his face, taking it all in and yet at the same time soothing the raw agony that seemed to be oozing out from his very soul. His body shook a little as her hand came to his eyes, and her old weathered fingers gently wiped aside the tears from his eyes, touching him in a way that only made his heart slow and purr even. It was like she was touching his heart, as if she had some magical power and her fingers maybe wiping his tears away but it really was caressing the sore and bruised muscles of his heart, easing the terrible pain that rested there.

Robbie “I am scared…”

Adele “I know boychik, but I am here.”

It was as if her eyes were magnets, the way they seemed to just draw his attention, to hold his gaze from wandering off even though his mind was desperate to pull away, he couldn’t. His heart was unsteady and unsure and yet her eyes held him still, held him in her arms even though he wanted to run, to hide and the tears were once more threatening to overwhelm him. He felt his body shake as he stared into the liquid pools of her eyes, seeing a soft warm coat that waited open, almost as if it were for him but still his mind rebelled, still it tried to warn him off taking such a leap, such a chance.

Watching him fight his mind, she knew what he was feeling, knew the choices that were before him and without any thought, she reached over with her one hand, taking his hand and bringing it up to her face, to let his own fingers rest against her cheek and she kissed the back of his trembling hand, letting her soul speak to his and as his eyes brimmed over in tears, she rested the back of his hand on her face, the white bandage resting softly against her very cheek.

The pain came flooding into her the instant his bandaged wrist touched her skin and her heart was waiting, ready for the onslaught that came to her. She held fast, letting the love inside of her boil up and meet the threat, and in her eyes she saw his soul, saw it shivering as the pain soared outwards, came to her like a thousand charging horsemen with sabres drawn but her love held fast. Her body grew still as the pain came and met her own armour.

She saw her husband now, the way he was shuffling his face and looking at the fallen leaves on the ground, the way his voice was pitched and nervous as she calmly waited for him to finally ask what she had known he would months before he did. She saw too the joy on his face when she had said yes. Her heart beat loudly as she saw the wide grin on his face as he held Joshua in his arms for the first time and then the same wide grin as this time it was Joel in his arms. Yes she was blessed and she held firm, her love turning back the pain that came racing to her from Robbie’s shattered spirit.

The tears had been rolling down his face as he felt his arm being raised upwards, his eyes bulged open wide as he felt her lips press lightly against the back of his hand and then in complete amazement he watched as the bloodied bandage was brought up and placed next to her face. He felt the fire suddenly spring forth from his own body, felt the deep horror of his tortured spirit rise up in anger and reach out for her and he trembled in fear.

Desperately he tried to hold back the angry flames of his pain but he wasn’t strong enough and he watched in horror as they struck her, he could see the knife like bolts dig deep into her very flesh, see it rip apart the skin as it dove for her soul and just as his mind was recoiling from the horror he saw the long thick bolts suddenly stop. His heart ached but it was strangely silent for a brief moment as he stared at her, seeing the long thick bolts of pain stop and then begin to fly off, not coming back to him in triumph but instead they were running for shelter, crying in dismay as she beat them back, held them in her own heart and squeezed them into submission.

His body shivered and his mind was blank, as it couldn’t digest all that it was witnessing. His body was suddenly still as his heart grew louder in his ears, the pain no longer dictating the beat and deep inside of him he felt a growing seed of hope, that maybe what she had said was true, that maybe there really was hope for him if he could just trust in her, trust in the love that he felt for Joshua and that he knew Josh felt for him.

Robbie “I didn’t know what to do, I was so scared, I had to do what he said, if I didn’t… please, tell me, what could I have done?”

She could see his pain now, it no longer looked so evil or so daunting and her heart continued to beat with the memories of her own love, of her husband, of Joshua, of Joel and even of her mother. As the thoughts came to her of the pain her own mother endured, she knew some of what was preying on his mind. She cocked her head to one side, her hand gently taking his and putting it around her side, the other hand that rested on the side of his face slowly tilting his quivering chin up so he could look squarely into her own face.

He let her raise his face and he looked once more into the depths of her soul. His heart quivered as he felt her reaching for him, felt her love coming to him and he held back the sob that came up, his lower lip quivering as he fought for control and as he did, he realized that he needed to tell her, that if anyone lived that could help him, could understand a little at what he had done, it would be her. He swallowed the lump in his throat and began to speak, to tell her and as his words came tumbling out, his eyes never left her face.

Adele listened to the halting voice of the boy in her arms, she could see the pain with each single syllable that he spoke and her heart stood still, waiting as he began his story, waiting in awe as he spoke of how at just 11 years of age his father began to train him in the fine art of pleasing women, how the lessons were hard and deliberate and relentless.

She listened too as he spoke of how he would go and look at his younger brother when he was sleeping and wonder why he too didn’t have to take those lessons but then he was only 12, Justin wasn’t yet 9 but still Robbie felt anger towards him, an anger that changed once time had passed and it became clearer to him that Justin would be taking the same lessons soon enough. Her heart shuddered as he talked about the way his father taught him, about the cabin he had bought, about how he had made him not only do extra homework from school, but how he had made him practise for hours outside throwing the basketball, no matter the weather or anything else.

Her soul wanted to scream in anger as he talked finally about Justin, about how for the first few weeks that his father had begun Justin’s initiation into being taught how to please woman he would come to Robbie and cry, and how Robbie would hold him, would tell him that eventually he’d get used to the rough tearing pain that came with each special lesson. He talked now of how he ached for Justin, of how he wished he could ease his pain or take his place even because even then, while Justin was only 12 and he was 15, he knew that in a strange and weird way he liked the touch of another man and that he didn’t care for the touch of a girl or woman.

She felt his eyes watching and she kept her face passive, as he told her about how he had had sex with a girl when he was just 13, how his father had demanded him to detail every second of his actions and then how his father spent weeks teaching him new things, teaching him by force what he was doing wrong and what he should have done. He told her too about how each night that Justin would crawl into his bed it made him excited, how it would make him want Justin and still she held her face impassive, letting him tell it all to her before doing or saying anything.

Part of her mind rebelled at the horror that was unfolding before her and as her mind tried to make sense out of it, it also tried to urge her to push him away, to get such a monster away from her and her family but the strength of her love was too much for the cold calculating brain and she sat there, listening to his quivering voice slowly tell her his secret.

She breathed in deeply and she could smell it now, the stench of evil was coming towards her but it didn’t come from Robbie, that she knew but it came from that thing he called dad, that drek[2. shit, no good person, useless individual] that dared to have tried to stop Robbie from being with Justin in his time of need. Her blood boiled each time Robbie mentioned him, it threatened to overwhelm her each time he called him ‘dad’ or ‘father’ and yet she could see in his face that it was all he knew him by, which it was all he thought a father was. She thanked GOD that her boys had been spared that horror as she listened to him, feeling his pain as his thoughts now focused on Justin and him, on that time just 3 years ago when Justin was being brought into the special lessons.

It was all too horrible for her and she yearned for Abner’s touch and as her heart cried out for him, she felt his hand next to hers, felt his breath on her cheek and so her heart calmed down as she listened to Robbie’s voice, knowing that her husband was with her, even if his body was elsewhere.

Robbie talked about how he loved Justin, how he hurt each time that Justin cried and how he would let him curl up into his arm at night, knowing that his father wouldn’t approve. He spoke of how many times he had been found with Justin in his bed, how his father would take him to their special room and make him undress and then hold his ankles while he hit him with a large leather strap and how he would tell him that each time he disobeyed, each time he mothered his younger brother he could expect more of the same and yet Robbie continued to let Justin sneak into his bed each night, continued to take the increasing number of swats from the leather belt without saying a word to Justin or anyone else.

He spoke how good it felt at night, that his nightmares never came when he and Justin were together and she could see the love he had for his younger brother as it shone brightly in his dark eyes. She knew that sign, she had seen it many times in her own boys’ faces but this was special, in a way she could not even imagine.

On he went about how they would do things together, play basketball, shoot hoops he called it, or how he would take Justin with him to the mall, how they would go walking together up Mount Doug or go swimming at Thetis Lake. He told her how they had gone to the Sooke potholes one summer, gone swimming and how they had walked home, and she saw the face become clouded as he came closer to revealing what troubled him more than what he had already told her.

She couldn’t imagine how there could be more or how anything else that happened could be any worse than what he had already told her, but inside she knew that whatever it was, it was slowly killing him, and so she sat there, listening and waiting, fear for him growing with each halting sentence that he spoke about that trip to Sooke and the slow walk home.

Robbie told her about how they had barely spoken to each other all day, how Justin had gone through a particularly bad session with their father the night before and how he wished it would all stop. He told her how they came to their grandfather’s house and how the old man had insisted that they stay the night, making the arrangements with their father.

His eyes were brimming with tears and she could feel his heart shrinking from her, and she knew this was it, that this was that point when he would either break free of the terror that held him captive or not, and she prayed for HIS help, begging HIM to give Robbie the courage to continue. She saw his head lower itself but she would not let him off that easy and reached out with her hand, gently holding his chin and stopping it from being lowered to his chest. His eyes stared at her, fear written all over them as he struggled to just breath and she waited, a soft warm smile on her face, a smile of encouragement, of love so that he might gain strength from her.

The pain was once more ruling inside of him, he could feel it reaching for him again and he felt frightened, unsure if he could hold it back or if there ever was any hope that he could. His body shook a little even as her hand held his chin and her love, her understanding fought with his guilt, his shame. He looked at her, scared that she would jump up and bolt and yet inside, deep down in his soul he could feel a small voice growing louder, urging him to trust in her, to take from her what he needed but still he held back, the shame growing and the fear rising.

Adele “It is okay mien kinder, I am here, there is nothing to fear, yes?”

He stared into her face, hearing her soft voice as it caressed his heart and the shame he felt was suddenly pushed back, the fear of losing her understanding was suddenly halted and swept aside as the voice inside continued to urge him on, to trust her, to accept her help.

Robbie “I don’t know how it happened, we were lying there, it was late and Grandpa had long since gone to bed, Justin had fallen asleep next to me, and then he had one of his nightmares, it was a bad one too and he woke up shaking and crying, I had to hold him, to kind of, well to try and take his pain away. I don’t know how it happened, but he looked so scared, so frightened and he, he told me he wanted me, that he wanted me to give him his lessons, that he loved me and that, I couldn’t say no, I loved him so much, he was the only person I could talk to, could tell him things I couldn’t tell anyone else and he listened, he didn’t look at me weird or anything, I couldn’t refuse him.

It wasn’t like, I mean, it was like he wanted to just be close to me, to feel me like, like maybe it should feel, when two people love each other, they should feel the other inside of them, only he wanted to feel that and I couldn’t refuse him, I didn’t hurt him, I didn’t force him to do it, honest, you have to believe me!”

She saw the way his eyes were pleading with her, hoping that she would understand what he was telling her but it was all so strange, so foreign to her that she felt frightened that she might let him down, that maybe she would say the wrong thing and yet staring at him, she couldn’t help but feel his sorrow. The idea that he and his younger brother had a relationship scared her, made her wonder about Joel and Joshua but then her heart took charge, calming her own fears as she reached out and stroked the side of his face, wiping more tears from his face and shoving back a hanging lock of his hair. His hand came up to hold hers, his eyes staring right into her soul.

Robbie “Please…”

Adele “It is okay, I understand Robbie, maybe not everything, but you loved him, yes?”

Robbie “Yes I did, I really did. I just wanted his pain to end for a time, he said it would if I did. I know I shouldn’t have, I know it now, but he was so hurt, so much in pain, I couldn’t say no. You do understand don’t you?”

Adele “I do Robbie, such tszuris and for one so young, you poor boy.”

He clutched her hand with a surprising amount of strength that she recognized as pure desperation. He was so scared that she might leave him now that she knew, but she could no more leave him now than she could leave her own sons if they were the ones telling her of this horror. Her hand covered his as she brought his head closer, kissing him on the forehead to show him that she wasn’t what he had thought, that she was not repulsed by him or that she hated him.

The touch of her lips made his blood race as he felt the surge of hope come up from deep within. He could hear the voice clearer now as it told him that it had been right, that he needed to have faith in her and to trust her and he felt the strength welling up inside, the strength to go on, and so he sat back a little, still letting his hand rest in hers.

Robbie “I know that what we did wasn’t, wasn’t what brothers should do, but I had to. I only wish that it had made things easier, but instead I only made things worse.

“My dad had told me that being queer was wrong. He told me that God would punish me for being that way if I ever thought of becoming one, but I didn’t believe him, I know he was right…”

She wanted to speak up but something in his eyes made her hold her peace, keep her tongue still even though it itched to break free, to tell him how wrong he was but it was almost as if a hand was over her mouth preventing her from speaking as he went on, his eyes downcast now as the rest begun to come out.

Robbie “I guess Justin’s cries had wakened Gramps up, I didn’t hear him but he walked in on us, just as, well, just as we were doing it. He was so angry, I thought he might have a heart attack but he grabbed me, threw me off Justin who was crying, begging him to let us alone, to let him have his peace, but Grandpa Tom wouldn’t listen. He swore at us, calling us faggots and shaking me in the corner. I was so scared that I was crying too and he threw my clothes at me and at Justin, and then he took us home, refusing to speak a word to either of us, until we got back to our house.

“I was so frightened and Justin, he was a wreck. I hated Grandpa Tom right then, I swore I’d never be like him, and then I saw my father, the way he was standing at the door and I knew he knew. Justin did too and he stopped crying and we ran into the house while my dad talked to Grandpa Tom.

“I don’t know how long we waited but it felt so long, and Justin kept looking at me with such fear, I didn’t know what to do, I was the oldest and I didn’t know how to help him, but then Dad came in.

“I had never seen him that way before, his face was all red and purple and he just stared at us then pointed for us to go to the room.

“I didn’t want to, I told him it wasn’t Justin’s fault, I begged him to believe me, that it was all my fault but he wouldn’t listen. He made us strip down and then he just looked at us, called us faggots, queers, and told us how he wouldn’t stand for such behaviour, not his boys, and then he looked at me, told me that it was all my fault, that I was the oldest, that I should know by now what God did to fags, and he made me take Justin over to the table, to tie his arms up so he couldn’t move and then he gave me the leather strap.

“Honest, I didn’t want to do it, I kept telling him that Justin didn’t want me to do it, that I forced him to but he wouldn’t listen to me. He said that either I did what he said or both of us would suffer worse. I had to do it, don’t you see? If I hadn’t done it, he would have, and he was stronger, he would have hurt Justin more, I had to do it, I didn’t want to, honest, I tried to make him do it to me only, but he wouldn’t, he told me that Justin should have fought me, that he should have done more to stop me. Because he hadn’t he had to be punished and it was up to me to do it, to show him how things were, I had to…”

It was like the roof had fallen in on her. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing and yet she knew it was the truth. How could any man do such a thing to his children? The grandfather she could understand, unless he knew what awaited his grandchildren, in which case he was no better than the father. How could such a man exist and not be known by the authorities? Surely someone had to know, surely there had to have been signs?

Her mind recoiled at all that Robbie had said and despite its horror her heart still held fast. The tears came to her and she couldn’t stop them, not this time as she could feel Robbie’s pain now, feel it as if it were her own and yet she refused to end this, to stop him from saying anymore, knowing that she had to be strong. Once more she reached back into her soul and brought forth the memories that gave her strength. Once more she felt her husbands hand against hers, once more she felt his love reaching for her and she eagerly snatched at it, desperate to add to her own weakened strength.

Her eyes sparked as they glanced upwards, the thoughts of her soul desperate to reach up and yet she was held back, the anger inside sparking and tearing into her. How could such a thing happen in this day and age? Where was HE? Why was this happening and as much as she wanted to reach up and take HIM by the collar and shake him, to see HIM and force HIM to answer her, she knew that this was not the time for her to lose control. Her anger as an outraged mother simmered instead, as she took Robbie into her arms, letting him rest in the safety of her chest, letting him cry as he finally had unburdened his soul.

She took him to her heart and made him lean into her body, his long legs stretched outwards, brushing against her short stubby feet but she felt his heart next to hers, and she whispered softly into his ear, telling him it was okay, that she understood and that it would be okay, that things would be all right. His head grew calmer, the tears rolled down from his eyes soaking her blouse but she hardly noticed them as she thought about what she had heard, as she let her spirit and soul try to make sense out of it all.

The anger inside was boiling, she just wasn’t too sure who she was madder at right now, if it was the mumser[3. bastard] who called himself a father, a man or if it was with HIM for letting such things happen to the innocents? How could he love them if he let this happen? How? She knew she didn’t have any answers to that but she knew that she needed to give him something, to give him some hope.

There was so much to think about, so much to consider too as she held Robbie tightly, letting him cry and letting the tears cleanse his soul of the horror that he had kept inside for so long. She knew too that there was still much more but this is what had eaten at him, this was what had made him seek death and now that she knew, now that it was no longer just his secret, there was a chance for him to get beyond this. Only HE knew if they would succeed but Robbie had so many adults fail him that she vowed that she and Abner would not be added to that list.

Her mind thought too about Joshua and how he would react to this and then too what about Joel? Would either of them be able to understand all this or would they let the horror stop them from seeing the truth? She had an inkling that Joshua would perhaps understand, if he were given the time but would her youngest? Such grief and such deeds to have to make sense out of, it was amazing that Robbie hadn’t tried this much earlier. In a way she felt proud of him too as she stared down at his head, seeing him for the boy she had suspected him to be, seeing him as perhaps how Joshua saw him too and she prayed that he would hold that vision in his heart when he heard all this, because he would need to if there were to be any hope of him getting beyond the pure horror of Robbie’s secret.

Adele “There is more, yes?”

The sound of her voice was like a breath of fresh air and he actually could feel his heart beating again. The worse was over but she was right, there was more to tell and he knew that he would, but he still was scared, still was petrified of telling it all and yet as he laid there, feeling her heart beat with his, he felt the hope growing stronger inside of him.

Robbie “Yes.”

Adele “It seems like there is no end to it, doesn’t it?”

Robbie “I suppose so, I …”

Adele “You know that you will have to tell all this to Joshua?”

His heart seemed to suddenly stop, as the words seemed to just rip into his soul. All his hopes suddenly seemed to just vanish and once more he felt the darkness coming for him as he saw Joshua’s face, saw how he would look as he heard what he had just told her, and the fear grew inside of him even as he felt her hand brushing his cheek.

Robbie “I can’t… he…

Adele “He loves you and he will understand, but he is young too, so we will tell him together, yes?”

Robbie “You will be there?”

Robbie’s eyes opened wider in amazement as he realized that he might not have to face this alone, that there was someone who would stand with him. Tears were at the corners of his eyes as he stared at her face, seeing her love still flowing towards him, still reaching for him, as if she had a never ending supply just for him.

Adele “Of course, we will tell him together, but you don’t have to worry Robbie, he loves you with all of his heart, he will understand.”

Robbie “I don’t… if, what if, I mean…”

She saw the panic when she told him what he must do, but if he were to survive; if he were to have any chance, there was no choice for him. As to Joshua, he would have to face this sooner or later, so better it be sooner, because if it were later then it would only be worse. This way at least she knew they had a chance at happiness, and what more could a mother want for her boys?

Adele “What if I am wrong? Hush, I am his mother, I know him like I know the back of my hand, but he may need time. We, you and me, we will give him that, yes?”

Robbie “How, I mean…”

Adele “Yes we will, you, me, his father, the three of us. Joshua may be stubborn, he gets it from his father by the way, no one on my side of the family is stubborn, his father’s family though, oiy vey are they stubborn, so yes, the three of us will tell him together, and the three of us will help him to see what he and all of us already know, that you and he are one, yes?”

Robbie “God yes, oh God how can…”

Adele “Hush, we’ll leave God out of this for now. If we need him, he’ll come and help too, but for now, I think the three of us can manage Joshua, nu?”

Robbie “I, I don’t know what… do you think he’ll really understand?”

Adele “I would say different if I thought different, he will understand.”

Robbie “I…”

Adele “Enough for now. Come, I think we should go upstairs, you need some nourishment. You boys, so thin, come I’ll give you some strudel if those three chazzers[4. gluttons, pigs] haven’t eaten it all up. If they have well, there is cake still, so come…”

Robbie “Okay but I am not really hungry, uh…”

He was petrified about the prospect of facing Joshua, Joel, and their father, more scared of having to tell them what he had told her. But he looked into her face and took comfort in the strength that she exuded, but more than that, in the unquestionable faith that she seemed to have in her family. He wished he had known her earlier, maybe then things would have been different for him and Justin, maybe there was still a chance for him?

His eyes grew misty as he stood up, waiting for her to stand and he stared down at her, seeing how she showed her age and yet as he looked at her, he saw a strange beauty in her, a glow really and his heart grew calm as he heard the soft voice in his heart, the voice of his brother, telling him that the pain did end.

She saw him standing there, so tall and she noticed that he no longer seemed hunched over, that for the very first time he was standing up straight and she smiled at him, thanking HIM too even though she was still mad at HIM. Her eyes glistened as he reached out for her hand, just like a small child did and she took it, holding it and patting it for a second before turning towards the stairs. She heard his stomach rumble a little and she couldn’t help herself, but she laughed a little and her whole face grew into one giant smile.

Adele “See boychik, your stomach knows what it wants. Now I know too, so there had better be some strudel left or boy am I gonna give it to those three.”

She grabbed his hand tighter and they walked up the stairs, her step firm and steady, his slow and a bit rocky but stronger than it had been in a long time, as he felt the hope warming his body.