Chapter 31

Joshua

He could hear his rapid breathing slowing and the echo he knew wasn’t his but Joel’s own breath, gradually returning to somewhat normal as they held Robbie down, looking at the haggard face that was twisted in a sea of agony. Wave after wave seemed to cross his young face only the face no longer looked young, instead it seemed weathered and ancient, as if a century of pain and time had worn it down to a face of lines and marks. There was no colour in his face at all, the skin white beyond normal.

His eyes searched the face, trying to recognize the person inside, seeing every avenue shut off as if a steel door had suddenly been slammed shut in his face. He felt the sting of his tears as he tried to reach for some connection, some way to assure his love that he was here, that it was okay, that the moment had passed but he came up empty. Staring into Robbie’s eyes were like looking into a dark empty room, there was no sign of life, nothing and he felt the panic rising up inside, knowing that he was slowly becoming terrified of what lay ahead, of what the future might be for him and worse, what it might be for Robbie.

The room felt like he was in an icebox and yet he could feel the sweat dripping down from his forehead and his hair. He could feel the drops splashing against his flesh as he held Robbie back, held him motionless thanks to the help of Joel who still huffed a little next to him. He could smell the fear too, and he knew that it wasn’t just from him or Joel but that it came also from Robbie. He couldn’t explain it but he knew that something had snapped, something had awakened those same dark thoughts that had made Robbie look to death as a solution and the fear of losing Robbie grew inside of him.

He prayed silently for strength as he didn’t want to lose Robbie, and he felt selfish as he begged God to let him be, to let Robbie stay with him and take him, and yet even as he prayed for help, his mind was conspiring with the rising fear inside. He could hear his thoughts, telling him that this was no way to live, that Robbie didn’t care enough for him to want to stay alive, to stay with him and his heart fought the war, exhausted from battling the fear of losing Robbie but still it fought, hoping that something would make sense out of this nightmare.

It was like a couple of long distance runners, the way that all three of them were huffing and puffing and yet it was far more important. Joshua could see the pain and even feel it as it simply oozed from Robbie’s entire body. It was real, not like it was a feeling but more like you could see it, almost even touch it. He shivered as he saw something else in Robbie’s face; something that terrified him even more and that was hopelessness. Josh could see it, the way his eyes hardly blinked, the blank stare as if he didn’t even recognize him or Joel even though every couple of seconds he would try to move, finding himself still pinned he would lean back, his body limp and dejected.

There weren’t even any tears, as Joshua searched Robbie’s face for some sign, something to show that Robbie was even present, but all he saw was a tired worn out body, no life to it even though he could see the chest rising and falling as it took in much needed air. The body was cold to his touch too and as much as his heart tried, there was no connection, no contact and he felt the panic inside, felt the terrible despair rising up inside from his soul and at the same time he felt relief, a sense of this is it that came from within his mind.

Joshua knew he was smart enough to know that what he was feeling was perhaps normal, still there was shame deep in his body as he fought with the cold logic of his mind. Yes, Robbie was not well, yes Robbie had problems he could only guess at and yes Robbie still harboured thoughts of hurting himself but that shouldn’t stop him, Joshua from loving him, from wanting to help him should it? Wasn’t the vow of love about for better and for worse or were those just words?

Staring down, his body still heaving from the physical exertion, he realized that while those vows were indeed words, they were words that neither he nor Robbie could ever legally exchange and for a brief moment, a brief second in time he cursed society, cursed it for giving him even that which might make a difference, might give him or even Robbie something to hang to at times like this.

As his mind railed against the world, it suddenly changed course and Joshua found himself angry at God himself. His mind was looking for any excuse to give him, to let him off the hook but it wasn’t easy and yet as the doubts swirled, the confusion reigned over him, he felt the anger growing, the knowledge that God’s own ministers claimed divine proof that what was denied him and Robbie and others like him was God’s will. He had heard it all, heard how such unions were spawning evil, were corrupting the goodness of mankind and yet as he looked at Robbie right now, he cursed them for their cruelty and he cursed God too, for after all were those not HIS ministers?

His whole body shook as the war inside raged on, oblivious mostly to the rushing sounds of his parents and to the ragged breathes of his younger brother. All he could think of was that he just wasn’t strong enough for all this, that he didn’t have the inner strength or courage to cope with all this and yet still his heart fought him, continued to beat out its own warped message of hope and faith which only made him feel weaker.

How could there be hope he thought, as his hands continued to press hard against Robbie’s upper arms, holding him back and refusing to let him move. How could there be hope when even the love and support of his own family wasn’t enough to erase the thoughts of death from Robbie’s mind? How could their be any faith when people were rallying right now to condemn not only Robbie but his own family simply because they cared? How could he feel anything but despair at a world so wrapped up in its own selfishness that even men of healing condemned those like him and Robbie?

The tears rolled down his face as he felt his heart slowly losing ground, slowly letting the fear and the despair take greater hold within his body. He couldn’t explain it and as much as he wanted to hold on, to fight on, something inside seemed broken, seemed almost as if it were simply shattering into a thousand pieces. His eyes continued to fill with the tears of his grief and with each rolling drop of his tears he felt like his strength was slowly deserting him, leaving him cold and empty just as Robbie seemed to be and then he heard the soft scared voice of his brother.

He turned his face to look into the frightened face of his younger brother and while he saw the fear, the confusion too, he saw something else, he saw the deep love that Joel had for him and from that deep blue spark that shone deep within his brother’s eyes, he felt the strength returning to his heart, felt the warmth caress his aching soul as he felt his brother’s heart beating next to his own, within his own chest. His body trembled as the warmth came pouring into his cold body and it held him upright, keeping him from surrendering to the darkness of his fears and his doubts.

Joel

His heart pounded in his chest as he flew down the stairs, his voice calling for his parents and then calling for Joshua still reverberated within the stairwell as his body pushed itself to its limits, his legs pumping as he took the steps two and three at a time. He couldn’t explain it but he knew that he had to get there, had to run faster than he ever had and he felt the adrenaline pumping into his body, giving him the strength he needed and as his legs moved in a blur, as his hands flew down the railing, his soul cried upwards, begging a silent God to give him the time, to give him the courage to be there in time.

Joel’s bare feet thudded on the hard cold floor and he stumbled forward, almost falling but he quickly regained his balance as he searched for his brother and saw him struggling with Robbie. His mind was shocked at the scene that was being played before him as he saw the wild look in Robbie’s face, the almost maniacal stare that froze him in his tracks for a minute. He couldn’t move, his feet suddenly became stuck as if they were encased in cement as he saw the look of desperation crossing Robbie’s face, as he saw the horrible pain that was eating away at the boy his brother had chosen for his partner.

There was nothing real about it all, he could see the pain reaching for Joshua, see its hands and bony fingers as it clawed at his brothers struggling figure and he felt the fear touching his own heart. He could see the way it kept pushing at Joshua, kept holding him away from the desperate flaying of Robbie’s hands and arms and the feeling of hopelessness surrounded him as he stood there, frozen and afraid.

He turned his head upwards, wanting to run, to seek shelter under the covers of his own bed or in the arms of his parents but the harsh cries of pure agony tore into his very soul. He felt them reaching for him, felt the power of the wild cries as they touched him, as they tried to hold him back. His eyes narrowed as he saw his brother, saw him pushing hard, losing to the wild gyrations of Robbie’s pain torn body. He could see the flash of white of those bandages, see them flashing every which way and he could feel the thump of his heart as he stood there afraid.

Joel could see that his brother was losing, that Robbie’s wild motion was too much for him alone and he saw the way his brother refused to surrender, refused to throw his hands up in surrender which touched him in a way he hadn’t expected. His body shook and he could feel the fear inside but he felt something else, almost like he was in awe of the struggle taking place before him and as he watched he realized that it was a struggle not just between Robbie and Joshua but one that involved him too.

His feet no longer felt heavy and unwielding as he moved closer, his heart thundering with power as it stood in absolute awe of Joshua’s courage and faith. He moved in and standing behind his older brother, he reached in and under to add his own strength to the battle that was being raged on their couch. As his hands passed next to his brother he could feel the fear now, feel it and even smell it as it came towards him, threatening to tear him apart with its vile innuendos and thoughts and his young body shuddered in fear but then he felt Joshua, felt the power of his heart as he fought with Robbie and it gave him courage.

The sickly smell of sweat mixed with fear permeated his nose, made him almost choke on its sweetness as he found himself suddenly pressing up against Joshua’s body. He was stunned by the sudden wave of cold that came racing into his body as he pressed up against his brother’s backside, and it frightened him as he added more of his weight to the raging battle.

All of his wild thoughts, his fears suddenly seemed to be welling up inside of him as he pressed hard against Joshua’s body, praying silently that his parents would arrive, would come to help and that this nightmare could once more be ended, or at least be held back for a minute or two. His body ached as his muscles grew hard and taut, the strength of his youth suddenly feeling inadequate as he struggled to hold the flaying arms and his head rested hard on Joshua’s shoulder, feeling the tension within the body, feeling also the despair, the anguish of all that was happening.

As his young body pressed into Josh’s body, he felt the terror reaching for his own heart, but it wasn’t coming from Robbie but from Joshua and he felt the fear that he had felt earlier, wondering as he pressed harder if maybe Joshua too had the same dark thoughts that had so consumed Robbie? Could he too be thinking of such deeds, even now as he struggled with Robbie? Could he too be wishing that all this grief, this pain, would go away and that if he weren’t here anymore that it would? It scared him and for a brief second he felt his own grip lessening, his own press weakening but something inside of him refused to surrender. With a strange almost wild shout, the vigour of his youth came rebounding up and he found himself pressing with even greater strength, his hands finally managing to take hold of one of Robbie’s.

Joel felt his brother’s hand now join his and they had one arm finally pinned down. His eyes were misted by sweat and his own fear but he saw the dulled white bandage, the tears from Robbie’s fingernails clearly evident and his heart shook in terror as it stared at the damage. The cloth was hanging loose and he could see the angry red scars, the deep ragged scar that showed the wound for what it was, the blood caked still around the jagged wound that was being barely held together by the sutures.

His body ached as the armour of his youth was slowly being stripped away by the scene before him. Joel closed his eyes, wishing things could go back to how they were, before all this gay stuff came out and he tried to hold onto the memories of a time when life was simpler, when he and Joshua played together, talked together, and simply were brothers together. He felt the tears inside; felt them slowly escaping his control as they began to run down his face, mingling now with the sweat on his brother’s back.

The pain inside grew too as did the fear and he felt the confusion of it all, wondering if love was worth this or even if this really was love? How could you care about someone, say you loved them, and then fight them like this? How could Robbie, who had sworn his love for Joshua, be so cruel as to try and end his own life, to leave Joshua after all he had done for him? How could that be love and yet even as his mind fought for the answers, he could hear the sounds of his heart refusing to listen, refusing to let the doubts take an even greater hold of him. The armour of his youth was being destroyed, he knew that and yet he fought it, trying desperately to hold onto that innocence, but knowing that it was futile.

As his head rested on Josh’s back he could see different images flashing across his vision, images of a time when he thought things were simpler and yet it bothered him, knowing that all those times in the past weren’t real actually because Josh had a secret, one that he had never shared with him. It ached to think that Josh didn’t feel he could be trusted and yet in many ways he knew that he wouldn’t have understood. How could he back then? What did he know about gays and all that stuff?

He saw the two of them, splashing around in the lake at Uncle Morris’ summer cabin in Manitoba. He could see his brother spraying him with water and chasing him along the sandy beach and he knew that if he had known about Josh then he wouldn’t have had the fun he had. He knew in his heart that there wouldn’t have been any splashing, any wrestling matches on the sand or the way they would try to attack each other in the water. He knew that he would have been paranoid about changing in front of Josh, about even standing out in the woods taking a leak and yet he still wished Josh had trusted him, had confided in him. It was something he didn’t know if he could get over even as he felt the pain that Joshua was feeling right now come to him, try to work its way inside.

Everything was so confusing, so jumbled up that he didn’t know which way to turn but the images kept coming to him and he could see Toronto again, see his own young face looking ashen, almost the same colour of grey that Robbie’s face now looked but his was from fear, from knowing that soon he’d have to once more make that journey to school and face the scorn, the jibes, and he could see himself retching, see the liquid puke spew from his thin lips. He could see himself flushing the toilet and turning to see Joshua standing in the doorway, see his eyes looking at him, a strange bond forming between them as Josh reached out and ran the cold water in the sink, the bond becoming more real as he handed Joel a wet cloth and held his hand lightly on Joel’s shoulder.

It all was like looking at a movie, the way Joshua never said a word to him, just stared at him and let his hand rest lightly on Joel’s shoulder, his eyes doing all the talking to him. He could see it all now and he remembered too, the way he left walking to school, Joshua never far from his thoughts, and he could see himself stopping every few minutes, to turn and stare backwards, to see if maybe Josh was there but he never did see him and yet as he replayed that scene, he knew Josh was there, that he had followed him.

He could see the school now and he could even see the bullies only this time there was something different. Even now he could still feel the terror inside, the fear eating away at him and yet as he walked slowly, fearing what was sure to happen, he felt different too, everything about that day was different and as he found himself almost past the usual spot, the place where he was always stopped, always held and harassed and chided, he noticed a strangeness among the boys who terrorized him. He saw their faces glaring at him but their lips didn’t move, there were no verbal comments, no jew jokes, no jibes and more importantly, they stayed by the fence, not one of them moving forward.

Joel saw himself pass that place, and he could even now feel the relief flowing through his body and he had wondered about it, never certain why they had suddenly stopped, why they had granted him leave without exacting their perverted pleasures first; but he knew now, as his body leaned into Josh’s he knew the truth now and he could feel the love inside, feel that hidden bond coming up once more to bolster his sagging spirits.

It was like he was a new person, as his doubts still existed, his regrets still held sway but there was something new being added, a sense of awareness that he hadn’t felt before. He still wished Josh had told him but somehow it just didn’t matter because what did matter was that bond, that very special link that they both shared and he felt it warming his heart as he turned his face, his eyes open as he sought out the one who he was closest to, even now.

His eyes made contact and he saw the worry inside, felt the pain too as he searched Josh’s face, looking for that opening and he felt the tremor inside as that new forgotten bond finally surfaced once more within his soul. He could feel its warmth reaching out to touch something buried deep within Joshua’s own body and in that instant, Joel could feel his heart beating next to Josh’s own heart. He could hear the pain easing, could feel it being pushed back at last as his heart thundered next to Josh’s, as the bond of their love for each other was once more joined, was once more linked together in an unbreakable chain. The tears rolled down his face as he managed a small smile, hearing the hurried steps of his parents.

Joel “It’ll work out Josh, honest.”

Josh “I don’t know, Joel, I…”

Joel “It will, I know it will, we are all family, together we can do it, okay?”

Josh felt the words caressing his aching heart and he saw that Joel meant them too. He could feel it in the way his brother’s heart beat next to his but more than that he could feel the bond he had thought he had lost rising up, still inside of him and once more he felt it reaching for Joel, felt it connecting and as the love flowed once more between them, as their souls joined once more, he knew that no matter what happened next, at least he wouldn’t be facing it alone, he had his brother to lean on.

Josh “All?”

Joel “Yes, all.”

It wasn’t the words that mattered because he could feel the truth in them and he could feel his strength and his resolve returning now, knowing that once more he had survived another test of his love and in passing that test, Joshua felt he had once more found a love he had thought was lost to him. He felt the tears running down his face but they weren’t tears of grief or even of pain, as he let the love hold him, nurture his battered spirits and he turned once more to look into Robbie’s face, this time though with a strong bond of love welling up inside of his own body, a bond that was aching to reach out and touch the troubled spirit that lay in front and his mind finally surrendered, and his heart beat strong and clear, letting free the chain of love that it felt for Robbie.

Robbie

The darkness only seemed to be growing, becoming more dense as he felt his body moving and an unseen force that was trying to corral him, to hold him from his fate, from his one single chance at peace and at escape. He fought it, willing his tortured body to battle against the unseen forces that were holding him back, were trying to prevent him from ending his reign of evil. He knew it had to be, he knew that he couldn’t let himself go on and cause more pain to those few who were left that he cared about.

His mind was filled with his regrets as he saw his grandfather’s face, but it wasn’t the same face he had seen earlier, it was a different face, one etched in shock and horror and he knew then that he had hurt him, had revolted him by his deeds and he cried out, begging his gramps to forgive him, to not tell his father but the stern face wouldn’t budge, wouldn’t give in to his adolescent pleas. He heard Justin’s voice too but that only made his heart ache even more. He cried, seeing the revulsion on the face of the one adult he had respected, the one man in his whole family who he thought he could trust, but he knew he had violated that trust, that love and it only drove him harder to fight the unseen forces holding him back, it only made him battle harder to rip at the white bandages, to try and let the evil pour from his body and end his foul life, end the misery he was causing so many innocents.

Robbie felt the pain that the darkness failed to cloak, failed to cover and yet he struggled to let his body surrender to it, to finally let the darkness take him and hide him from all who could see. He cried as his mind continued its playback of his crimes, of his shame and he shuddered as each scene unfolded before. He could see the angry face of his father, of how he had looked after he heard the news, at how he had flown into a wild rage and yet never once had he touched him, had he swung at him which was worse for him.

He was just 16 then, had been spending almost 4 years at his father’s feet learning about being a man, about how to please those who mattered and now he could see all that at risk, see the hatred even in his father’s eyes as he swore at him, as he hurled insult after insult at him, blaming him for not listening, for destroying all that he had tried to teach him. It all came back to him as his hands pummelled the couch; desperate to avoid the clutching fingers of life that tried to hold him, tried to keep him from leaving.

It was his fault, he knew that now and he had to pay for it, just as his father had told him, just as his father had set him on that path to finally make things right, to make his amends. Robbie could see it now, see that wide leather strap once more and he felt the pain, felt it eating into his soul as he struggled to fight free of it, to make that final leap forward to where he would finally make full amends, where he would no longer have his guilt consuming his every waking moment.

Robbie fought with all of his strength but there was no escaping the clutches of life, no way for him to break free to finally end the suffering he had caused and would keep on causing until he could make that final sacrifice, show that he was truly sorry for his actions. He felt the tears rolling down his face, felt the tingling in his arms as he tried to rip away at the restraints that kept his evil alive. He had to rip them off, had to end this nightmare before any more innocent lives were lost, before anymore Justin’s were forced to pay for his crimes.

His body continued to shake, and he could see the darkness now, welcoming it with his heart, knowing that it would take him and end his journey, end his reign of pain and terror and yet he could also see something else, something that was battling the darkness for domain over his soul. He hated that other force, his anger growing, his resolve to fight it becoming stronger and he smiled, seeing the other force shifting, seeing it shake even as the darkness continued to grow, continued to weave its cloak around his heart and his soul.

The image of Justin’s face came to him just when he thought it would soon be over and he felt the loss welling up inside again. He could feel the holes in his heart where once Justin held dominion. His grief grew, as he knew he would never hear his voice again, never feel his breath on his cheek or see his smiling face and his body sagged, the pain of his loss too much even for the darkness to hold at bay. His body ached from his grief and he felt that other force, that strange power holding steady suddenly, almost as if it were being reinforced by another equally distasteful force.

No one could love him; he had made sure of that by simply being who he was. He knew that now, knew that as much as Josh would argue with him, that as much as Josh would protest he knew the truth as did Josh. He could feel it inside of Josh, even though he couldn’t see him he still was able to feel him, and he knew that Josh was slowly learning the truth, that he wasn’t worth it, that he was better off without Robbie and he sighed, feeling the darkness gathering up its power, readying itself for one last push to escape the thin weakened fingers of life that held him back.

His life was playing out before his eyes as he waited, feeling the muscles inside coiling, becoming like steel once more and yet his mind continued with the movie, continued to roll the film of his transgressions as a reminder of why he was fighting, as a means to bolster his need to let the darkness win, to let it take him and so to end his misery. He saw Justin’s face, saw the way the eyes stared up at him and he felt the hitch in his heart, knowing how he had used that love, that wonderful love and that it was no longer there, that he had taken that from him and for what?

He still couldn’t understand, couldn’t explain the guilt he felt as once more he heard his father’s voice, heard the cruel words being spoken to him and then the strap being thrust into his hands. He saw Justin’s eyes widen, saw the way he looked to him and then towards their father, the way his young thin voice suddenly sobbed and begged his father not to do it, not to let him do it but instead of a reprieve all poor young Justin got was a swat across the face, a few heated words telling him to stop acting like a baby and take his punishment.

How evil it all sounded, how cruel it all was and yet he saw his hand rising up, saw it holding that leather strap high up in the air, knowing that he had no choice, no alternative despite the voices inside of him, the strong yells telling him not to do it, not to listen to the commands of his father but instead to heed Justin’s cries for help, to heed the words coming from his own soul but he had ignored those screams, had abandoned those voices and pushed them down deep into his body. He still couldn’t hear them even though he knew they were still there, still buried within his very soul but his ears were closed to them as was his heart and mind.

He saw the leather falling down, saw the way Justin’s body tensed up as he knew what was coming and he saw Justin’s pure white flesh shaking. His bare buttocks was gleaming as he heard the loud swish of the leather, saw the dark wide strap land squarely across both cheeks and he shook, could still feel that tremor as his eyes saw the pure cream flesh begin to turn shades, begin to glow a strange hue of red. His heart continued to pound as he saw the leather rise up again, saw the long thick mark that was now etched across his brother’s buttocks as once more it came flashing down. The sound of leather hitting flesh echoed in the room and he could see himself glancing up, see his father’s face staring impassively at him, the cold eyes the only thing registering his emotions.

His body shuddered as he relived that time, as he saw himself raising and letting fall the strap time after time. Robbie could hear Justin’s squealing cries for the pain to stop, could hear the loud swish of the leather through the air as his hand brought it down again and again, and he could feel his sweat once more pouring from his forehead as his eyes saw the red turn to purple on Justin’s buttocks. His body shook as he saw the once white creamy skin become mottled in shades of purple and blue even, thin red lines of oozing blood seeping along the outer lines of the strap marks.

The more he saw, the darker the darkness grew, the stronger it became and he could feel his moment coming, feel the power of the darkness as he continued to hear Justin’s cries for help, hear Justin’s voice begging him to stop, to help him and he felt his shame, knowing he had failed, knowing that he had given in to the evil inside of him as he didn’t stop, as his hand continued to obey the words of his father and only when Justin had finally fainted, had finally stopped his screams did his father end his nightmare.

He could hear him now, warning him again of what would happen if he ever broke his father’s trust again, warning him that only his death would ever make up for the loss of his faith and trust. He could hear the man now, the voice wrapped in venom as it told him to stand back, as he moved closer to Justin’s prone body, hearing the soft whimper of his younger brother. His eyes stared deeply in the pitch darkness that was before him and yet he could see his brother’s face now, the way the eyes sought him out, the way they pleaded with him for help as he heard the sound of his father lowering his pants, of his brother begging him silently with his eyes to end the pain.

It was the same nightmare as he sucked in the air, building it up deep in his lungs for that one last fling that would finally set him free and he could see his father now, his hard thick cock in one hand, his eyes glazed over a bit as he stepped in closer to Justin’s body, pushing aside the legs that were dangling off the table, and Robbie saw the look of absolute terror on Justin’s face as his father shoved his own body inwards, his own flesh suddenly slapping hard into Justin’s torn and bruised body. Robbie saw it all, saw the pain of his father’s entry into Justin’s rectum flash across his brother’s face, saw the hatred in his father’s face as he shoved inwards, saw the disappointment in Justin’s face as he realized that Robbie wasn’t going to help him, wasn’t going to help end the pain.

That look was frozen before him as his eyes stared outwards, seeing nothing now but blackness and Justin’s accusing eyes. His body was ready and once more he lunged forward, using all of his strength to find the darkness, to welcome it into his body. He felt the surge of power running through his whole body, the blood rushing with a renewed strength and vigour that surprised him for a second, but he ignored it. Instead he thought about the release his victory would soon bring him, the peace that would soon follow his departure.

It all flowed through him as he stared into Justin’s eyes, seeing the pain, seeing the sorrow but as he stared into them, as he looked deep into them he saw something else, something that he hadn’t noticed before and his body shook a little, his mind became slightly distracted for a mere instant. It was all that was needed, just that brief pause and suddenly Robbie could feel the forces allied against him renewing their press inwards, renewing their insane effort to stop him from reaching the darkness and fear of failing again rose up inside of him and yet, still his eyes pondered the strange image he saw being reflected in Justin’s eyes.

His mind was urging him to ignore the anomaly but somewhere from deep within his soul came a desperate plea not to listen, not to heed the urgent cries of his mind and his reasoning. He could feel his body weakening, the fight gradually leaving him and he knew instinctively that this was one more battle he was going to lose, that once more he was going to be denied the peace being promised by the darkness. Tears flowed down his face as his failure loomed but as they ran down his cheeks he saw that tiny spark shift, saw it actually wink and grow a bit brighter, and as he stared at it he felt it reaching, felt it searching for him and the fear was real, the terror was real, yet it didn’t overtake him, it didn’t paralyse him as he watched it growing, watched it becoming more than just a weak glimmer in Justin’s eyes.

The raging battle of words in his mind grew silent now as he could hear Justin’s voice once more, hear him pleading and then it changed, no longer begging, no longer whining for him to stop but instead it was telling him something else. He felt his body being pushed hard into the sofa, felt his limbs stop their wild gyrations and in that moment he heard his brother’s voice telling him again that the pain did end, that there was more than just pain and as he blinked, trying to clear the wetness from his vision, the image changed from Justin’s blue green eyes to a soft shade of powder blue.

It was like he was watching the scene fade into a new one, one he didn’t quite know yet and the soft blue eyes caressed his aching spirits, he could feel it touching him with a softness that held him and made him feel safe for the first time since this nightmare began so many years ago. He sat there amazed by the sudden warmth that came into his body, easing the coldness from every part of him, from every limb, every joint. For the very first time he felt suddenly alive and the terror that resided in his heart trembled a little as the warmth even reached there, even held his terror and didn’t flinch from it, didn’t quail at its presence and he felt the tears rolling faster down his face as he stared into Josh’s face, as his body suddenly surrendered to the love that now reached for him, for all of him even his tortured heart and battered soul.

Robbie’s eyes searched hard for a chink in Josh’s armour of love but each time his mind thought he had found one, it quickly was shut off from him, each time he thought that it was an illusion he found himself being warmed by a soft caress of his beating heart and he cried, feeling the strong arms reaching and taking him into their warmth, into their firm grasp. His body leaned inwards, his head now resting on Josh’s shoulder and he saw the blond hair of another person, one whose body glistened in the pale yellow as he stood behind Josh and as he watched with his tear stained eyes, he felt the young arms reach around Josh and close around both him and Josh.

His body shook to the power of a strange new force that was slowly filling his body and he could see a lot of Josh in Joel’s face and yet as he looked, he also saw Justin’s face super imposed on Joel’s, only this time Justin wasn’t crying, he wasn’t begging for the pain to stop but instead he was smiling. Robbie cried as his eyes closed, his loss still tearing at his heart, still causing the darkness to swirl around him but for now it was held at bay, the demons were pushed aside as he let the warmth hold him tighter with each beat of his heart.

Adele & Abner

The strudel lay on the table between them and she watched as Abner picked at it, knowing how troubled his heart was and yet it was like they were merely sitting here, waiting for something and as much as his heart ached, so too did hers. She didn’t understand much of what had led to this, she had no real idea of what being gay was or what would possess anyone, never mind a mere child, to try and end his life but it was what she and her husband were faced with. It was a test of her and his courage, that she knew and as she swirled the spoon around in her mug of tea, she wondered why HE was always testing them, always trying to see if they would measure up to his expectations?

Could it be that God was not sure of his own children? Could it be that HE was perhaps in need of reassurances too like she and Abner craved and needed or was it something else? Sure the experts said that no man could fathom God’s will, could understand his grand plan but then that was man, she was a woman, a mother and more than that, she was a Jewish mother, so who better was there to understand such things?

Sitting there in the kitchen, the days events seemed so far off, so distant that it was almost as if they hadn’t happened but in her heart and in his too she knew that it was real, that the pain that had happened was only the opening round of what was yet to come, and she felt so old at that moment, so tired that for a mere second she wondered if they would have what it would take to see this through.

As she thought that thought, she felt the warm touch of his hand on hers and looked up to see his face smiling at her, those puppy dog eyes staring at her with nothing but love in them and she knew then that they would indeed have the courage, have the strength to see this craziness through to the end, no matter what that might be. The cold chill she had felt on and off all night was gone now, instead she could feel only a deep love and desire for the man who sat across from her, holding her hand with so much love and tenderness that it brought tears to her eyes.

His eyes seemed to sparkle as she looked into them, and as she did she felt his hand tighten ever so slightly on hers and she glanced down at it, seeing the plain gold wedding band and then back into his eyes her face went, knowing that even now, 34 years later they loved each other as much if not more than they had when they stood under the chupah, hearing the vows and swearing to them both with all their heart. It was a strange thought to have right now but as she let him hold her hand she wondered if that was perhaps how her eldest was feeling too? Did gays feel the same or was it any different and as she felt Abner’s hand caress hers, felt the rough edges of his fingers against her own course fingers, she knew in her heart that Joshua did indeed feel the same. She couldn’t explain it, if pressed, but there was something about how he had looked, how he had stood when that reporter fellow was asking his nonsense that made her know then that what her son felt was as real and as deep as what she and her husband felt for each other.

There was no mistaking that look and his stubbornness was no less intense than what his own father had shown when he had wanted her for his bride. It was like reliving that all over again in many ways, at how there were such obstacles before them then just as there were now for Joshua and Robbie, but as she let Abner’s touch continue to warm her soul, she knew her son had the strength to see it through, with a little luck and a little push and maybe even with a little help from the man upstairs, but see it through he would, of that she was now certain.

Her heart grew quieter as she sat there, the strudel forgotten as was the tea, her whole body was full with the love that flowed between them both and she could feel his own heart now, feel it gently beating next to hers, gaining strength from her just as she gained strength from him. They were partners in every sense of the word and she knew that no matter what would happen, they would remain together to face it, to deal with it, and to fight it. Her soul was at ease as she stared back at him, smiling now, as she no longer worried what would be, her mind and heart at ease with just his touch, his presence.

Watching her face he had seen the frown, seen the furrowed brow and he knew that she was off again on another one of her talks, and for a second or two he wondered what God thought about them, wondered if he was angry at her for the assumptions she made about their relationship or was he pleased by it? He was the rabbi and yet he thought she spent more time talking to HIM than he did. It really was amazing sometimes, to come home and hear her talking to the house, wondering out loud why certain things were happening when all HE had to do was raise a tiny finger to end it all.

It was one of the many things that had attracted him to her, the way she could just speak her mind and it never mattered to her who it was she was speaking her mind to, she was afraid of no one it would seem but he knew different. He knew that inside that sweet wonderfully stubborn woman lay a person scared and frightened by what she saw, what she knew, and he knew too that she was desperate to know the truth, to know the answers. It was all he could do at times to keep up with her as she never hesitated to have an opinion and sometimes it got him into trouble with his congregation but then too, in some ways it was a way to clear the air too. She was so forceful and yet no one who knew her could say a mean thing about his sweet Adele because inside her there wasn’t one mean bone, not one.

Abner could see her eyes arching upwards, even though he doubted if she herself knew they were, and he instinctively reached out to touch her hand, to ease the terrible burden he had brought onto her shoulders. His heart ached for that, knowing that he hadn’t discussed it even, had simply walked head long into the battle knowing that it would be tough, knowing that it would perhaps alter everything about this, this supposed golden years of life. He had a sense of guilt about doing it, but then what else could he do? His son needed him and so he had done what he had done knowing that she would support him, regardless of what it would cost them.

Trouble was that there were moments when he really wondered what his reasons had been. Sure Joshua needed him, and naturally he had to try and do something or was it that he needed that? Was it perhaps his way of trying to get Joshua to forgive him for his own blindness last year when all this gay stuff came up? Could he be doing this, risking not only his and her future but Joel’s too simply to try and prove to Joshua that he was a good father?

The doubts were there in his mind, he knew them well because every chance they got they surfaced to plague him and to add to his worries; but sitting here, seeing her once more talking to HIM, he knew that as much as he had doubts, what he was doing was right. It was unshakeable really, and for that he gave a silent prayer of thanks to the Almighty, trusting in HIS wisdom and HIS love.

As his hand touched hers, he felt the strength inside, felt the simple love that bound them together and he smiled, knowing that what he had was worth all the tszuris that man could heap at him. As long as he had her he could climb Mt Everest or so his heart told him though his legs seemed of a different mind. Funny how he could think like that, how he attached a sense of knowledge to his body when really it was just a bunch of muscles, nerves, all coated by a thin fabric of skin and yet as his heart beat, as his blood flowed to and fro he knew that inside was much more than just organs, sinews, muscles, tissue, and water. He believed in the uniqueness of mankind even though he was deeply troubled by the road it seemed headed on.

Sitting there though with Adele’s hand in his, all that didn’t seem to really matter. All that he was concerned with now rested under this roof, within these walls and he knew that his small kingdom was under siege too, but at least so far, here he could be just a husband and just a father. It was really all he had ever wanted, never really aspiring for more than the pleasure of seeing his boys grow up and become true menche, but it was what made him happy, that and the love of the woman across from him.

Her smile always warmed his heart and he felt it caress his soul as they stared into each other’s eyes, and even as the warmth filled him with her joy, her love, he knew deep down that this was but a respite, that soon the evil of ignorance and intolerance would rear its ugly head. He worried for his boys and for Robbie too because he knew that Robbie was now part of his family, part of his concern and looking at her, he knew she felt the same way. It would be tough, Robbie had so much pain hidden away inside that he couldn’t begin to imagine it but he had a good idea of the source of that pain and it made his brow furrow, made his blood grow hot as he wondered how any living being could be so callous, so cruel, so vicious, as to do what he knew Robbie’s father had done.

He had no details, no words were passed between him and Robbie and yet that first time in the garden at the hospital, when his hands had touched Robbie’s he knew then what had happened. He had been granted a rare glimpse deep into Robbie’s soul and he wondered how he could explain it to someone like Myron or even to Adele, but then no, he knew that she would instantly understand, that she too perhaps had seen some of what lay buried deep in the poor boy’s soul.

His own heart ached for Robbie and he wondered how strong Joshua would be, but he dismissed that worry instantly, knowing that his son would be as strong as was needed and that should he find he wasn’t, then it would be up to him and Adele and yes, even up to Joel to see that Joshua found the added strength. It was all a part of being a family, of being something more than sharing a common last name so as he felt her love run through his veins, he felt secure in knowing that the troubles ahead would be met with all that they had to offer.

Just gazing into her eyes brought him such peace that he felt slightly ashamed of himself. Here he was enjoying her company, totally at peace while one of his children lay in his room, confused and uncertain, another lay downstairs, feeling scared and alone and yet he knew he needed this moment, needed this time to let his spirit renew itself.

Joel needed to work his way through the confusion and the uncertainty of finding out about his brother and his lifestyle. He needed the time to assimilate all that he had been told and more than that, he needed the time to let what he was seeing register inside, to let his heart mull it all over and as much as Joel felt confused, felt in doubt about how he felt, Abner knew that he would eventually come to the same point that he had come to; that no matter what, Joshua was a part of them all, and for Joel it would mean that Joshua was still the same big brother he had always been, had always been thought of as being.

There was a part of him though that still wanted to go to him, to sit on the side of his bed and hold his hand and guide him but Joel was no longer 5 or 6, he was 16 and well on his way to being a man of his own, so no, as much as he wanted to run to Joel’s room, this was not the time for it. Life had many hard lessons, cruel ones too and as much as he wanted to protect Joel from it, he knew it would only be a disservice to his son to do so. He had to let go, as hard as that was and as he sat there, he wondered if God felt that way too, if perhaps each time his children came under fire did he too not sit back wringing his hands, wishing he could reach down and ease the pain? Maybe they had it all wrong, maybe it wasn’t a case of free will as so many thought but simply the love of a true father letting the apron strings go, letting his child walk on his own?

He felt her hand squeeze his and he glanced back up to stare into her eyes, to once more bask in the glow of her love and to let it soothe his spirits. Abner could feel the power of her love wrapping itself around him, easing the strain of his heart as it beat solidly, one single beat between them because as much as they each had their own heart inside, it really was only a half a heart. The other half lay in the body of the other person, and he knew that each time they touched, each time they looked at the other or heard the other that in that split instant of time, their hearts were one.

Abner “Adele…”

Adele “Yes? What is it?”

Abner “I am sorry.”

Adele “Sorry? For what? Did you break one of my good dishes?”

Abner “Haha, no dear, for getting you and Joel into all this without talking to you first, that is …”

Adele “Ach, you men, you always rush in and then ask us, why should this have been any different?”

She could feel his pain and his sorrow but she knew that this would pass, that it was nothing more than pre sermon jitters. He would be fine once he was out there, doing what she and he both knew he must do. There never really was any question in her mind about that either, yet it was nice that he still worried about her, still took the time amidst such grief, such horror, to worry about her feelings. It was just one more reason that she loved him more today than when she looked into those puppy dog eyes of his and said she would be his wife. If only Joshua could have such a life, then her work would be complete.

Abner “Still, I should have, it is going to be rough.”

Adele “Rough? Nu, what else is new? But you can do it, I know.”

Abner “I wish I had your confidence, I am not so sure…”

Adele “No? Why not, you have already made progress.”

Abner “How? I have gone on TV and looked like a conniving conspirator, how have I made progress?”

Adele “Ach, those reporters, they take off kapores[1. slang meaning goof for nothing, useless], but look how you got Myron to help, yes? That didn’t take much and then Miriam, you didn’t even have to lift a finger and now you have a good ally and powerful friend, imagine what it will be like once you start actually working it, yes?”

Just listening to her talk was like a tonic to him, and he knew she believed in what she was saying or she wouldn’t be saying it. Still though he knew that he faced a tough opponent, that prejudice and racism were never easy enemies to battle and even harder to defeat. He could spend a lifetime if not several trying to battle them without any decisive outcome, and he only had this one lifetime, an old and almost spent one at that too. He smiled at her, knowing she believed in him and in what they were doing, after all they were a true team, joined not only in their love for each other but in their love of what was right.

Abner “You always know what to say, but still, it isn’t going to be easy. I don’t know if my words alone will work…”

Adele “So, I’ll make more strudel and maybe some kuffel, will that help?”

Abner “Haha, what a pair we are. I brow beat em with religious mumbo jumbo and you stuff em with sugar and raisins, but it won’t be that easy dear.”

Adele “So, we have faced tough situations before, we made it through then, we will make it through this time too.”

Abner “I suppose so, there are so many out there who won’t want to know the truth, who will lash out simply because they feel they have an excuse to now, you know that.”

Adele “Them? They can kush in toches arein![2. slang for ‘kiss my behind’] No? Those kind will always be with us, but some won’t, some may think more first, those who do, you will convince, those are the ones worth convincing, like that poor boy Bobby who came to see Joel earlier, he isn’t like the others, he is a menche, just give them a chance Abner, you’ll see.”

Abner “I hope you are right, still, it will be tough. I only pray that we all come through this okay.”

Adele “You don’t worry about us, you have raised some good boys Abner Goldberg, they will not disappoint you.”

Abner “I know, and it was you who raised them, I merely held your hand. I see so much of you in Joel and now too in Joshua, he has your heart I think. So long we have been together, you are still a shainkeit[3. term for beauty, sweetheart], more now than ever before.”

Adele “Ach, you always know what to say; such a sweet talker and here you are worrying that no one will listen, believe me Abner, they’ll listen, you’ll see.”

His heart felt light as he held her hand, seeing the wet tear drop at one corner, knowing that he couldn’t have said anything better, knowing too that she wasn’t fooled by all the talk either. She was ready for whatever would come, at least that he could rely on and as he sat there, holding her hand he wondered if those who would dare to cross her knew what kind of trouble they were going to receive? He doubted very much if any in the congregation would know what hit them once his Adele got started and she was already warmed up too. He shook his head as he felt her heart beating next to his, and it was at that moment that they heard the harsh cry of panic, that the sound of Joel’s young voice rang out loudly to them, hysteria nearly there as they heard the sound of fear in his young voice.

The hand dropped and they stared at each other as they both stood up and turned towards the hallway, hearing their youngest boy’s footsteps racing down the stairs and all the joy, all the happy moments now suddenly seemed distant as they both knew that once more the battle was to be joined, only this time within their own walls. His heart was heavy as he followed her out, stopping for a mere instant to stare into each other’s eyes, speaking in the language that only true lovers could speak, telling her softly and with all of his very existence how much he loved her, her eyes telling him nothing less but the same.

Together they hurried out and down the stairs, to come once more face to face with the evil that was spawned by man himself, because no God could be so cruel, so heartless. Only man could do this and Abner silently prayed for the strength he would need as their feet hurried them down the narrow stairwell, their hearts heavy and their spirits sad as they worried at what they would find at the end of the stairs.

He came to the bottom first and turned, his hand at his side as she came up behind him, holding her hand next to his shoulder blade as they came into the room, the sight of their two boys pressed together, holding Robbie back against the old sofa. She knew in an instant what had happened, and quickly she pushed her way past her husband to come forwards, to reach through the still shaking limbs of her Joel and Joshua to stare down into the tortured face of Robbie. Her heart stuttered for a mere millisecond as she quickly pushed the boys aside, and sat on the sofa, reaching out and taking the shaking boy next to her into her arms, cooing softly into his ear as she stroked his damp hair, whispering nothing but softness and warmth into his aching soul.

Her eyes were filled with tears as she stared up for a moment at the stricken faces of her eldest, seeing him shaking and then watched as her youngest reached across to gently put his arm around the trembling body of his older brother. Her smile was enough for Joel as he just nodded and she watched as her husband came forward, surveying the now calmed scene and he too nodded at her, and then took his arm and placed it on Joshua’s shoulder.

Abner “Come kinder, let your mother work her magic, come.”

Joshua “But I should, I mean.”

Adele “Go Joshua, go with your father; your boy and I, we are okay, aren’t we Robbie?”

Robbie glanced up from her bosom, stared into her clear eyes and smiled a wan smile, his lips quivering as he just nodded.

Adele “See? Now go, let your mother do what she knows best, yes?”

Abner pushed slightly against Joshua, feeling him resist for a moment as he stared down at Robbie nestled in the chest of his mother and as he felt his brother tugging at his arm, he prayed that God would give her the words, give her the strength and he turned and headed upstairs with his father behind him, his brother next to him.

She watched her boys walk away slowly, feeling their fear even as they started up the stairs. Her eyes filled with tears as her husband turned, stared at her and once more she felt his love touching her soul, and she nodded at him, letting her love flow outwards and touch him just as it now held Robbie softly in its arms.