Chapter 30

Part 1

It certainly was becoming a busy evening he thought as he shut the door and was heading towards his study, when once more the doorbell chimed out and he turned and went back. This time he was right and Myron stood on his doorstep, looking rather happy which was a bit of a surprise. He wasn’t sure exactly what there was to be happy about and for a moment or two Abner wondered if perhaps Myron had himself a girlfriend? He knew that he was single and that as one of the more eligible bachelors in the community was a prize topic among the sisterhood.

Funny how the women could spend so much time trying to meddle in the affairs of others, and yet at the same time decry how men were ruining the world by their constant interference. He had given up trying to figure them out, instead he simply agreed with whatever they said knowing that discretion was indeed the better part of valour in this instance, specially when it involved his own wife. He didn’t dare want to think what life would be if he argued, though in his heart he knew that they would disagree on a lot of issues, but never on the one’s that truly counted, because as much as they had two hearts between them, it really was only one.

There had been times though when he had questioned that, most notably how he had acted when he was first confronted with Joshua’s homosexuality, but that too had passed, as she had known it would. He was being pig headed and he knew that now, glad that despite all the headaches he had now, the one headache he didn’t have was that of a mad Adele. That would be too much and he chuckled to himself as he heard her and Miriam in the kitchen, discussing of all things how to get stains out of the tablecloth. He smiled because he knew that she had to have told Miriam about his spilling of the wine on one of her favourite clothes, an incident she constantly reminded him about and how that he had ruined the cloth and yet, it was the one tablecloth that always adorned the Shabbat dinner table. Women, go figure he thought as he led Myron into his study, wondering if he would ever have the same joy that he enjoyed with Adele? Looking at him tonight as they sat down, he thought that perhaps he would, if given the opportunity.

As he waited for the lawyer to get comfortable he couldn’t help but smile, remembering the way he had spilled the wine, it was their first fancy table cloth, one that Adele’s mother had made for them and he had been saying the kiddush when she had piped up that they would soon be parents. It was with Joshua and the news had so surprised him that the wine simply never made it to his lips. The memory was as fresh as if it had only happened yesterday and he knew too that she really hadn’t tried to get the stain out, instead keeping it as a visual reminder of the joy they had felt on that day when everything about life had suddenly made sense to them both.

Myron saw the strange smile on the Rabbi’s face and he was amazed that given all that had happened today that the man could even keep his eyes open never mind smile. The more he looked at the Rabbi the more amazed he became, wondering just what was it that made a man like him do what he was doing? There was no doubt that he was risking his entire career and for what? Sure, Joshua was his son and all but Robbie, he wasn’t and yet the Rabbi was fighting for him as if he were, something that just didn’t make much sense to him really. Okay sure Robbie was involved with Joshua but everyone knew those types of relationships didn’t last once the novelty of the sex wore off, so why the total and unconditional support for something that might not last a year or two at best?

As he settled down into the chair he took one more quick glance at the Rabbi’s study, the room that was his and yet as he looked around he saw a great many things that had to be his wife’s added touch, because no man would think of those little things. The pictures of his family adorned the wall and Myron could see the way the parents always seemed so alive, so vibrant when they were photographed with their two boys next to them. It was as if their lives existed solely for the boys and yet he knew that they had to have a life separate from them, but he could see how they were so closely entwined and he sighed a little, wondering if he would ever have such a study, a place that spoke of life, of love, of contentment?

He shook his head a little as images of Debbie came flashing across his mind and his heart skipped a beat or two as he thought about her, wondering what she was doing right now or if she was even thinking about him like he her? Could she be as interested as he thought or was he once more deluding himself? Myron wasn’t sure but he knew that if they could get through this that they had a chance, a shot at perhaps what the Rabbi and Adele had, a life of togetherness.

The rabbi’s voice intruded on his daydream of him and Debbie in a nice house out in Sooke overlooking the ocean. He always enjoyed the sound of water crashing up against rocks and he couldn’t think of a better place to spend his life, a family enjoying the fresh air, the wonders of trees and nature and only 45 minutes from town. God he was lucky to live in such a place but he had to concentrate on first things first, which was Robbie and his predicament.

Myron “Sorry Rabbi, guess I was daydreaming a little.”

Rabbi “So? You and this lady, it is serious?”

Once more Myron stared hard at the Rabbi, wondering how he could seem to know his thoughts, to know what he was thinking about. It was uncanny and he had seen the man’s steel, something you would never guess he had by just looking at him but it was there none the less.

Myron “I think so Rabbi, least it is for me, as for her, well I suppose time will tell.”

Rabbi “Perhaps, but I think you aren’t here to discuss your love life, least not yet?”

Myron “Haha, true, not yet Rabbi, but maybe when things are calmer. I think we are getting into some troubled waters Rabbi, I know I mentioned it earlier, but I think you really need to get a lawyer. Now please, I know that money might be an issue but the man I have in mind, I think I can get him to keep the bill down, but Rabbi you really need to have one, I can’t discuss the case with you much longer, I am sorry…”

Rabbi “Sorry? For what? No, I agree, we have discussed it and I will call your friend in the morning, do you think he will take the case? I mean, it is a rather delicate one, perhaps he won’t be so inclined to represent me?”

It was funny how this man could boil something down so quickly and he had hit it on the nail, the case was definitely high profile but also was dangerous for those who took it on, no matter the side they were on. He also knew in his gut that there was a great deal more to the case than what he knew so far, and to that end he needed to talk with his client, with Robbie but perhaps the Rabbi could help him? Maybe he already had an idea of what it was that had made Robbie attempt suicide and his younger brother refuse to seek medical help at the onset of his pain, maybe there was a way around forcing the issue with his client, but somehow he didn’t hold out much hope.

Trace Vickers was considered a top lawyer despite his age and youth and yet Myron knew him to be a top fighter for his clients, no matter what they might have done. He was one of those who fought for the pure joy of proving that the legal system was the only way a civilized nation survived, and for a moment Myron wondered if maybe Trace wasn’t the right man for the Rabbi. He had some definite views on same sex marriage, believing it to be unnatural and also that it endangered the very fabric of society but still, if he wanted someone who would fight hard, he was the man he would see first.

Myron “I don’t know Rabbi, he has some strong views about some of the gay issues that are swirling around, but he is a fighter and he really does believe in the law, that is rare these days, especially someone his age.”

Rabbi “He is who you would choose if you were me?”

Myron “Absolutely Rabbi, whether he’ll actually take the case, well, I did mention it to him this afternoon. He said he’d be willing to meet with you, so that is a step in the right direction.”

The Rabbi could tell that there was more hope than fact in Myron’s claim that this Trace Vickers would act for him, but then as he thought about it, Myron hadn’t been all that anxious to act for Robbie at the beginning either and now look at him. It was almost as if he were watching the man being transformed from one of the crowd to becoming a leader of men. He sighed though as he also realized that he had joined a battle that would really not end, at least not until the Messiah arrived, and even then who knew how it would all wind up? Such mysteries, such thoughts were weighing heavily on his soul as he spoke, praying that he was doing the right thing, knowing in his heart that he was but doubts still floated around in his mind.

Rabbi “But he doesn’t support gays?”

Myron “No, I wouldn’t say that Rabbi. Look, I can find you someone else but really, if you can hire him, you should.”

Rabbi “He is expensive though?”

Myron “Yes, but I think I can talk to him about that, at least he said he’d consider it if he took you on, but he wants to meet you first.”

Rabbi “That makes sense, and you Myron? Who is paying you?”

The question surprised him, just as it had when the Judge had asked him earlier. He had been hard pressed to explain why he had answered then as he had, but something inside of him had taken control over him and he knew that as much as it sounded good and noble, it might also be ruinous for him too. He wasn’t exactly flush with money and he doubted if the people in his office would be thrilled at him spending so much time on this type of case, in fact he knew that his bosses might be very opposed to his involvement after the news tonight and yet it just didn’t weigh much in his estimation.

Strange, money and job security had always been a priority of his, something he had drilled into him at an early age but he had never quite understood why it had been, at least not until now. Now he thought he had a glimmer of why his parents had insisted on his education, had pushed him to obtain a good position, to be careful with his money and not to be ostentatious either. It never made sense, after all wasn’t money meant to be enjoyed and spent?

Sitting here now, with the Rabbi he realized perhaps why his parents kept insisting on him saving, on him reaching for more because it really had nothing to do with wealth, with having material things, but instead was a safety net, a blanket for which to fall into when things got rough, and not in the way people might imagine either. It was like, well like he simply wasn’t safe here and that the money was a way for him to get out should things go badly, and it struck him now why so many Jews placed a great deal of emphasis on having money, on being careful with its expenditure. It was how they could escape the very place they called home should the unthinkable happen once again and it struck him then at just what being a Jew really meant.

Myron couldn’t explain it, least he didn’t think he could but as he looked over at the Rabbi he realized that money wasn’t just for escape, it was for doing what was needed. There had been many Jews who had no money, despite the popular belief and as he stared at the short balding man, he realized that those who had it were expected to provide for those who couldn’t. In a sense it was socialism, no different than the concept of providing welfare for those in need but on a higher plain perhaps and it was that ingrained notion that had made him tell the Judge that he was taking the case pro bono, and somehow he just knew that it was right.

Myron “Uh, no one Rabbi, I doubt if Robbie has any funds, besides, I, well, I can’t explain it but this case, it is a challenge. It is, well to be blunt, it is the type of case that I always dreamed of, maybe it is because of this that I became a lawyer, I don’t know…”

Rabbi “It is your defining moment, that is what you mean?”

Myron “Yes, I suppose in a way it is, I mean really, there is so much unsaid yet, unknown really, and yet inside, I don’t know it feels like this is why I was put here, almost as if this is a revelation, a justification if you will of why I endured all those years of law school, of articling, and I know it sounds crazy, but perhaps it is why I am here, sort of why God allowed me to be born, crazy isn’t it?”

There was a wistful smile on the Rabbi’s face as he listened to Myron’s halting explanation and for a moment or two Myron wondered if the man believed him, hell he wondered if he believed it too because it sounded so sugary, so human and yet he knew in his heart that what he was trying to say was simply, that it was the right thing to do and that he couldn’t do any less. Staring at the Rabbi he realized that as much as it was a simple answer it was also a very hard thing to accomplish, because it had a price that many could not meet or pay.

Rabbi “Crazy? No, perhaps it is more real than any of us know. HE does work in mysterious ways. I never really saw myself being a Rabbi and until Joshua called me from the payphone, I never really understood why I became one, now I think I know, so crazy Myron? No, I think not.”

The two men simply sat there, looking at each other but neither really seeing the other as their minds tried to digest all that had passed between them. It was almost as if the unsaid words meant more than those few spoken words and Myron felt that strange exhilaration inside, the type of feeling one got just before embarking on some grand adventure and he knew that his future was about to be changed in a way that he had no idea of how it would end. Strange, that used to frighten him terribly, and yet now it was rather exciting, almost fun even as he contemplated the future.

As the silence grew between them, the Rabbi realized that despite all his years as a man of God, it was only now that he truly realized the true power of the Almighty, at how he always seemed to find a way around his children’s tantrums and stubbornness. Strange, he could see a young infant on his lap, making a terrible icky face as he tried to feed him some strained vegetables and yet as much as Joshua had resisted, it was a time that he now looked on as warm and pleasant. He certainly didn’t think that way at the time, worrying if he was being too harsh, wondering too if he would measure up to the task ahead of him, that of being a parent and as he sat there, he knew that in many fields he had failed, but as much as he had made mistakes there was one thing he had never erred in, and that was in loving his children.

Rabbi “Nu? What is next then Myron?”

Myron “Well, I guess what is first is, well, Rabbi why did Robbie try to kill himself? Do you have any idea?”

The Rabbi sat back in his chair, staring at Myron from under his eyelids as he held his hands up to his chin, bowing his head a little as he thought about his answer, wondering if perhaps he should tell Myron his suspicions, but if pressed how could he explain what he thought he knew? How could he explain that Robbie never said anything, that it came from something as simple as a touch and yet in his heart he knew the truth, knew the horror that Robbie kept hidden and maybe it would be better if he told Myron, but then he knew that as much as it might help it wouldn’t necessarily help Robbie himself, least not his soul so he knew what his answer must be.

Rabbi “I do, but I think he is the one who must answer that.”

Myron “I don’t see him doing that Rabbi, please, can’t you give me a clue, some hint?”

Rabbi “No, I think not Myron. It is something you and he must do, as much as I want to, I think that it is important for Robbie that he be the one to explain it.”

A momentary anger flashed across his face as he looked at the Rabbi. Couldn’t the man understand that the more he knew the better he could help Robbie? Didn’t he understand that keeping secrets wouldn’t help and what if he got blindsided in court or in depositions? What then, would the Rabbi be so calm about it or would he in turn blame him for failing?

The thought grew but was quickly pushed aside as he saw that look, the way the Rabbi simply stared at him and for a moment or two he felt guilty for his thoughts, knowing in his heart that the Rabbi wouldn’t blame him as long as he had tried his best. Still, he wished he could find out what it was even though he had his suspicions. There was something in the school files that had given him an inkling as to the cause and even Debbie was leaning that way, but what if they were wrong? It had happened before, as both he and Debbie knew, but still.

Myron “Rabbi, please, I know that something isn’t kosher with him, with his relationship with his parents, his brother, but I can’t help him without knowing everything, I need your insights, your thoughts, it can help me get the truth from him, please Rabbi.”

Rabbi “Robbie will tell you the truth Myron, have faith in him and in yourself too. He has gone through a lot but he is a good boy, trust in that.”

Myron “Rabbi you are asking a lot.”

Rabbi “No, I am asking no more than what you can do Myron, he is a good boy, I know that.”

He could tell that he was butting his head up against a brick wall but he owed it to his client to press, to get some edge that would allow him to get Robbie to open up, something, anything, couldn’t the Rabbi see that? Why did he have to be so damn stubborn? Okay, maybe there was some religious thing about divulging confidences like the Catholics had but from what he knew of his religion there wasn’t any such code, such restriction so what was it? Why was the Rabbi being so stubborn on this?

Myron leaned forward in his chair, trying desperately to convince the Rabbi that he needed to open up, to tell him what he knew or even just what he suspected, at least it would help him prepare for talking privately with Robbie. His body was tense as he tried to talk the Rabbi into his way of thinking but as he stared into the man’s placid face he could see that glint of steel once more, knowing in his heart that he had as much of a chance of changing the Rabbi’s mind as he did of convincing Jerry Falwell that gays were a blessing from God. The anger at such stubbornness grew but he managed to keep it from his voice.

Myron “I am sure you think that, but good boys don’t go trying to kill themselves, now do they Rabbi?”

Rabbi “Who knows what goes on in a person’s mind and heart Myron, but you are a skilled examiner. I think that you will get all that you need from Robbie.”

Myron “And if he doesn’t Rabbi? What then?”

Abner could see the frustration in Myron’s eyes and he could hear it in every word that the young lawyer spoke to him, but he really had no choice in this, he could go only by what his heart was telling him and as much as he wanted to share what he knew, what he had felt, with Myron, he knew too that Robbie deserved at least an opportunity to speak it, to exorcise it perhaps from deep within his soul. It was perhaps his only chance at surviving this and that was much more important to him than whether Myron’s frustrations were relieved or not.

Rabbi “Then we’ll see, but you talk with him first, yes?”

Myron “Do I have any other choice?”

Rabbi “I don’t think so.”

Myron “I didn’t think so either, fine, may I come by in the morning then, say around 10?”

Rabbi “Adele will be here, I am sure she’ll have some coffee waiting, you can use this room if you wish.”

Myron “Thank you Rabbi, no chance of me changing your mind?”

The Rabbi smiled and shook his head, knowing that Myron didn’t really think he would change his mind. His heart was heavy still but in some ways he felt a small easing of the pressure, knowing that at least they were on the right path, but would that be enough for them all? He shuddered a little as he saw once more the hatred in the reporters eyes, the way they had narrowed but there was no mistaking the pure hatred that laid in that man’s soul.

If pressed he couldn’t express the emotions that were swirling around inside of him, despite his placid outward appearance, but he could tell that this was not going to be an easy battle, and he sighed, feeling his age more than he cared to admit, wondering too if those closest to him would survive this horror? Could his sons ever reach that level they once had, when Joel once believed the world revolved around Joshua or was that gone too along with his innocence?

Seeing Myron to the door and watching from in back of the screen, he wondered why God had set all this in motion, why had he reached out and touched his family in such a manner and yet even as he asked he knew in his heart that there would be no answer, that it was as it was meant to be and his task wasn’t to ask why.

He felt her hand reach into his, clasping it loosely as she came and stood next to him, her eyes soft and warm to his gaze as he looked into them, feeling her love for him and knowing that as much as he had questions, so too did she, but no matter the questions, the course was set, they both knew that and so they watched as Myron’s car left the street and the darkness of the night came to them. It had been quite an eventful night so far and as they slowly began the nightly ritual of closing up and heading for bed, Abner knew that it was far from over.

Abner “Adele…”

Adele “Yes?”

Abner “I think I’d like some strudel”

Adele “Now?”

Abner “Yes, we can share a piece, no?”

Adele “Yes, we can, come, maybe a glass of milk too?”

Abner “Why not, yes that will be nice, two straws perhaps?”

She reached over and took his face in her hands, kissing him softly on the cheek and staring into his eyes with nothing but love and warmth. She could see his troubled eyes, feel his aching soul in her own body and she knew that for them, this was merely a beginning and she sighed a little, cocking her head to one side as she spoke to him as only real lovers could speak to each other, through the gentle beat of their hearts.

Part 2

Joshua

They had sat on the worn couch that filled one side of the rumpus room, each of them pretending that it was nothing but a normal evening and yet Joshua could feel Robbie’s tension, feel him withdrawing once more and it scared him. He kept glancing over at Robbie, wondering what he was thinking but afraid to ask him, afraid that Robbie might not answer him, then too he was also afraid that maybe Robbie would answer him and then what? Would he be strong enough to deal with it, could he ever begin to understand the pain that Robbie must have felt that suicide had been a salvation rather than a horror?

He still felt unsure of himself, afraid of what he might discover if he pushed Robbie for answers, but within his heart he knew that he had to, but how? It wasn’t like he could just come out and ask him, could he? What if Robbie refused to tell him, how would he deal with that but worse, what if he did tell him? That scared him more than anything and the way he had taken Justin’s death, that too made him squirm a little. It was almost as if Robbie were slowing fading away from him, yet there had been moments when he thought that maybe, just maybe he was beginning to get through it, then something would crash those thoughts. It was almost as if Robbie were a light switch, one minute it was on, the next it was off, like some kid was playing with it trying to see what made it work.

Joshua knew that Robbie ached, he couldn’t even begin to understand the pain he must be feeling from Justin’s death, never mind the rest and yet somehow he knew they were linked. Somehow he just knew that there was a secret inside that would test his own love for the boy next to him and he felt his hand reaching out, feeling it touch Robbie’s bare hand and it was cold, almost like ice. He felt the panic in his chest as he turned his head quickly to see Robbie’s eyes gazing into his face.

His heart skipped a beat and then another as he felt the heavy blow of pain reaching out for him, almost smothering him and his fear grew inside as he swallowed hard, trying to figure out what it was that was terrifying him, that was scaring him. His hand faltered, but his will pushed it forward, letting it rest on the cold skin of his lover and he tried to smile, to reassure him but the pain only seemed to grow more intense, more malicious as it crept out from every pore of Robbie’s still body. It was almost like he was a statue, yet he could see the short shallow motion of his chest, knowing that Robbie was at least still breathing and yet that somehow didn’t ease his fears.

Everything seemed so hard for them, it was almost as if they were strangers really, even though they had shared each other’s bodies in the past, there was a strangeness that seemed to be growing between them. Josh couldn’t figure it out, he thought he had done nothing wrong and yet somehow he felt like he was letting Robbie down, that maybe he had somehow not done what he should have, or said the right words. He felt the pain inside of him growing as well as his fear that he was slowly losing Robbie.

It was strange, but he thought that had Robbie not survived, had he come home later that maybe he wouldn’t be feeling this way, that maybe he’d be getting beyond the pain and yet too he could see that Robbie needed more, needed something from him that he just didn’t know what. His body ached for Robbie’s touch and yet his hand was resting on Robbie’s and all he could feel was a chill, a premonition of impending disaster, which he couldn’t explain. His eyes filled with tears as the thought that things would be easier had Robbie not survived tore into his body. He could feel the shivers starting, the cold sweat beginning to drip from his forehead as Robbie’s eyes continued to just bore into him.

His heart quailed as he thought that maybe Robbie could read his thoughts and he felt the shame of thinking such nonsense but then too, he didn’t know if he were strong enough to lose him this way either. It was almost as if he were watching the life pour from Robbie in a way that was no different than when he had walked in on him at the apartment. At least then he could do something, he could physically try to stop the blood from pouring out; but this way, this way he had no idea how to stop the life from leaving his lover and it only made him feel more inadequate, more frightened.

There had been times when he had thought that life would be better for everyone if he had died, but something inside had always stopped those dangerous thoughts from becoming real, from becoming a goal and as he sat there, his hand feeling colder by the second, he wondered how Robbie could have gone from thinking about it to doing it? What made him feel so lost, so hopeless and worse, what was it about him that made Robbie think he would be better off without him? What had he done to make the one person he had felt such love for think that way?

Sure, Robbie said it wasn’t him, told him that and he believed him for the moment and yet, something in the eyes, something in the voice made him wonder if it were just words? Could Robbie really love him and do something like try to kill himself? Surely if he cared about Josh he wouldn’t have done it, but the facts were he did do it, or at least he did try, so where did that leave him, where did it leave them?

There was so much he wanted to ask, to question Robbie about, that he didn’t know where to start or if he did, what it would mean. He was suddenly terrified of losing Robbie and his eyes grew moist as he continued to stare at his lover, continued to feel his pain searching his heart, searching deep inside of him and the fear grew. His leg began to shake and tremble just as it had when he was a kid. It was like a physical sign of his distress and while he had hidden that automatic reflex action since he was 16, it was once more there, telling all who could see that he was nervous, that he was not a strong person and he cursed, wishing it to stop because he knew how it must look.

He just couldn’t take it or so his mind kept telling him and he took his one hand, pressing it down on his jumping knee, hoping to press it into submission by sheer pressure. His face turned away from Robbie, ashamed of his display of weakness and yet inside, deep down in his very soul he felt the shame of doubting Robbie, of doubting his own abilities. Josh didn’t know how to act, was so afraid of saying the wrong thing that he said nothing and gradually his other hand once more returned to rest in his lap while the show on the television screen continued.

Leaning back into the sofa he felt dejected, almost like an anvil had been dropped on his chest and he coughed, feeling the tension rise in Robbie who he knew was still staring at him. What could he say? Should he say anything? It all made no sense to him, even as his mind tried to replay it all over inside it still made no sense.

The long walks they had taken along the breakwater, the conversations of living together out of the city, of starting a business together, all of it all seemed like just a dream and not real, and yet at the time he had thought it was real, had believed in their plans together, so what had he done to ruin that? What had he not said or said that made Robbie lose his hope in their future together?

As the battle raged inside of his mind, the show never really remembered or thought about, he tried to focus, to see what he had missed, hoping that it would come to him so he could make it right, so he could ease Robbie’s fears and maybe help him cope with the pain, but the harder he tried, the harder he thought about it, the worse he felt and the more ignorant he believed himself to be. How could he be so stupid to not have seen the signs and yet even now, knowing what he did know, he still couldn’t point to any one thing and say ‘there, that should have tipped me off’ and that only added fuel to his fears. If he couldn’t find that sign, couldn’t recognize it now how could he in the future? What if the sign came again, would he be as blind and stupid as he had been before?

The confusion was frustrating to him and yet he couldn’t come out and ask him, could he? He turned back to see if Robbie was still looking at him and he felt the pain reaching once more for him, almost as if there wasn’t a person sitting next to him but instead a cloud of pain and grief. He trembled a little as the fog in his mind cleared a bit, as he saw the dull eyes staring but he could tell that they were looking elsewhere, that they were off in some distant place in Robbie’s mind even though they were looking at him. He shivered again as he glanced down, seeing the bandages still, seeing the deep cuts and the blood oozing from them even though what he was seeing had long since past.

Deep in his soul Joshua felt himself begging, felt himself resting on his knees crying and looking upwards, begging in the voice of a frightened child and all he could see was a strange whiteness, a strange shifting cloud that seemed to be swirling around him, not touching him but there none the less. He felt the fear inside of him as he could hear his voice, the voice of a young boy crying and it made his heart ache to the point that he was certain it would burst from the strain. His breathing grew short and he felt himself struggling to breath as he saw himself kneeling, begging the white mist to clear and let his prayers pass.

Joel

The house was no longer buzzing with conversations and strange people as he laid on his bed, his mind feeling confused and yet also rather pleased. He hadn’t expected Bobby to show up and offer his support and as he thought about it, he wondered a little about Bobby and Justin. They were rumoured to be inseparable and yet Bobby hadn’t known how Justin was hurt, or for that matter why he hadn’t gone to him for help, instead Justin had gone to his brother’s place. He had to have known it was empty, had to have known that Robbie was in the hospital at that time, so why had he gone there instead of to someone’s place where he could get help?

It all seemed so strange, almost as if maybe Justin wasn’t looking for help like everyone assumed, that maybe he had gone to Robbie’s apartment as a way to be close to Robbie as his time expired? Joel shivered at that thought, wondering what it was about the two Fisher boys that would make them think like that and he then sat upright in his bed, wondering if Josh had ever thought like that?

He knew that Robbie had tried it because it had something to do with being gay, that his parents didn’t understand or maybe even that they had opposed his lifestyle, no different really than his own family. Suddenly he became still and quiet, realizing that it could very well have been Josh in EMI and not Robbie. His heart grew nervous, the blood still pumping but he felt a cold sweat along his forehead, imagining how he would have acted had he come home from camping to find that Joshua had tried suicide.

Off in the distance he could hear his mother and father talking, and he looked over at the clock radio by his bed, seeing the numbers showing that it was just after 11 at night. It was late for them to still be up but then it had been one hell of a day for them too and so he figured they were simply unwinding, still, he felt safe knowing they were there, knowing that even though they hadn’t understood Joshua’s choices, they still loved him and that gave him hope, something he realized that maybe Justin and Robbie didn’t have.

What he knew of Justin’s dad wasn’t exactly complimentary but he had to admit, both Robbie and Justin excelled in sports and they were if anything more professional at it than some of the big stars he had seen. It was like they came with a mission in mind, one to dominate and excel and they would not be denied. It was like they became pit bulls on the court and yet from what he had seen with Robbie it wasn’t quite all that. There was more to Robbie, like he actually tried to be friendly while Justin always seemed to have a chip on his shoulder.

Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember ever seeing Justin really happy, something that he hadn’t ever noticed before and that only furthered his wild thoughts, making him think that maybe he was right, maybe Justin hadn’t gone to the apartment for help but instead had gone there to die. He shook his head, thinking that maybe all this grief was affecting his reasoning, because no one could have known how bad it was, not even Justin, could they?

The room was dark and yet in some ways it was almost like full daytime as he stared over at his dresser, the place where the photograph rested. He sighed as he kicked his feet up and then over to plant them on the floor, his body still trembling from the strange thoughts about Justin as he stood up and walked over to the dresser in his bare feet. He glanced down at the picture, seeing the look in his own face and then he peered closer, to stare thoughtfully into his brother’s eyes, searching it to see if there was any sign, any indication that he too felt the way Justin and Robbie seemed to have felt.

Without realizing it he had the picture frame in his hand as he stared at it, still hearing Robbie’s voice talking to him, still feeling the deep pain that seemed evident in each word that Robbie spoke. It was almost as if he were consumed by the pain he was feeling and as he looked into the face of his brother, he almost felt like he could understand some of it, could actually feel what Robbie had been feeling and yet not quite. It was almost there, his understanding, but still not quite in focus as he continued to look into Joshua’s face, trying desperately to see if that same pain, that same hurt was there.

For the life of him he prayed it wasn’t, prayed that he was wrong too about Justin but it made sense which troubled him. Why had everyone been so quick to assume he had gone there for help? Why did no one even think that he too had perhaps had enough of whatever it was that had almost claimed Robbie? His young body grew colder and as hard as he tried, he couldn’t get it out of his mind, couldn’t rid himself of the sense of doom that had taken hold of him.

He had been wrong about Bobby, maybe he was just as wrong about Justin too? God he hoped so because if he wasn’t, maybe the fear he felt for Joshua was just as real, not the result of an over active imagination? God he couldn’t stand it if anything happened to Josh, it would be the end of his world as he knew it and as that thought came to him, he suddenly felt the pain that Robbie must be feeling right now.

Joel lifted his head up and stared at the mirror, looking at himself and wondering if maybe he had been wrong, if maybe he needed Josh more than he had told him. Sure it was wrong for Josh not to have told him about all this gay stuff, but he had to be honest, he hadn’t given him much of a chance to tell him either. He felt the sadness at the lost time they had spent being angry with each other, well at least with him being angry at Josh but as he stared at his dark reflection in the mirror he wondered if it was too late to make amends for all that he had thought?

The reflection shook a little and he stepped back, his eyes still searching while his heart continued to quiver with the doubts and fears of all that had gone on. He looked away, staring at the door and he could hear his parents in the kitchen, talking softly and he reached out for his bathrobe, pulling it close to his body as another chill run up his spine. He glanced over at the clock seeing that it was now almost a quarter to midnight and yet he couldn’t go back to the bed.

Instead he opened his bedroom door and thought about joining his parents in the kitchen, feeling like he needed to be somewhere and yet unsure of just where it was he should be. His heart ached and he knew that in the kitchen was comfort and strength too. Joel sighed as he walked softly down the hallway towards the kitchen, his heart suddenly growing heavy as if a heavy anvil was slowly being lowered onto his small shoulders. He almost stumbled as he came to the door leading to the basement and to Josh and Robbie.

He stopped at the closed door, wondering if they were still up or had they gone to bed? Was it the same for them or was it different that how it was with a guy and a girl? All of this was still so new to him, frightening by itself but with all that had happened doubly so and yet he couldn’t quite picture it, couldn’t quite accept that it really wasn’t any different for Robbie and Josh than it would be for him and some girl.

Maybe one day he would have the courage to ask Josh or even maybe Robbie but for now he just wanted to know that they were both safe, but he could hear nothing through the closed door, knowing that would be impossible to hear anything other than a loud scream or shout. Strange, to think of something like that right now as he stared at the closed door, wondering if maybe he shouldn’t go down, just to see but then the sound of his parents came to him and he became torn with two goals. He stood there, uncertain of what to do but finally he decided on heading towards the kitchen and familiar territory but as he turned his face from the door, something seemed to hold him there, to make him stop and cock his head and look back at the door. A cold icy chill came creeping up his spine and he shivered slightly as he tried to step away, as he tried to push aside the ominous thoughts that still raged inside of him.

His mind kept telling him that he was being ridiculous, and yet as he stood there, staring at the brown wooden door he felt that chill again, and the way it felt only made him more apprehensive, more worried as he quickly glanced over towards the kitchen, thinking that there lay safety, that there lay comfort and yet he was rooted to this spot in front of a door, one that led to uncertainty, to danger even but he couldn’t move, couldn’t budge as he heard it again.

It was like someone had run a cold stake into his heart as he heard the sound again and for a moment total fear held him at bay, held him deeply in its icy clutches but then he recognized the voice, knowing in an instant that it was Joshua. He called out to his parents even as his hand tore open the door and his feet were running down the stairs before his parents could answer him. His young body took the stairs two and three at a time as he knew that his thoughts were right, that the sorrow he had heard in Robbie’s voice earlier was real, and that Justin hadn’t come to the apartment looking for help, he had come to go home.

Robbie

It felt like the walls were closing in, that just as the preachers had said countless times before was finally coming true and it was as if there was nothing he could do to prevent what was about to befall him. In some ways he wasn’t afraid of that, of having to face his maker for all that he had done but then he would see Josh’s face, see the Rabbi’s eyes peering at him and then it would all start inside. He knew he had been wrong, that he could have followed a different path but he hadn’t, and now it wasn’t just him who would have to pay, but perhaps Josh and his family too. That is what made his heart ache, that thought is what made him weep inside where the tears were real and cold.

Justin had told him that the pain did go, and he prayed for that, prayed that his little brother was finally free of all the pain that he had caused him, all the grief and sorrow too that he had caused, because it was his fault. He knew that now, knew that as well as he knew his name but it didn’t help him; it didn’t stop the regrets from boiling up and overwhelming him or stop the sorrow from eating into his heart. All it did was confirm that he was better off dead but that too had been denied him, and he knew why too, because God didn’t want him either, that really no one wanted him.

Back in school he had been called a demon, a true hell raiser who had a talent to play a game. Maybe he had a bit more than that too, maybe he had a talent for conning people into liking him, into trusting him when in fact they should have turned tail and run as far away as possible, but his talent, his gift, had stopped them from doing what they should have. He knew that now, knew it each time he stared into Josh’s face and saw the pain that he had caused someone so sweet, so sensitive as Josh. God it hurt but then what was the use of crying to him? God had left him too, he knew it because if God had cared about him, about the pain and sorrow he was feeling he wouldn’t have let him live, he would have welcomed him into his arms just as he did for Justin.

Least he had that for comfort, the knowledge that his little brother, his Justy was at peace and as he tried to make sense of everything else, he at least knew that he could no longer hurt the only other person he had ever cared for. Only Justin had reached inside of his armour and touched his black heart, at least until he met Josh and now poor Josh was about to pay for that just as Justin had. The panic that was raging inside of him made no sense, as he couldn’t understand why people like Josh or his family cared for him, why they were taking such enormous risks for the likes of him? Then as he thought about it, he knew that they were acting because they only knew what they thought, they had no idea of the truth because if they did, they too would see him for the monster that he truly was.

He could feel the terror inside of Josh as Josh’s hand touched his, and he could feel the pain leaving him to search out and warp Josh’s own heart, and he tried, tried with all of his will to stop the pain from reaching out, desperate even to stop it so that he could at least do one thing right in his life, do one thing worthy of being a person but the pain, the grief was too much. He could see Justin’s face even as he battled his own demons, see the eyes looking into his own face begging him to stop the pain but he couldn’t, he had stood there unwilling to risk further retribution and the pain never did stop, at least not then and not for years after, all because of him.

His mind wouldn’t leave him alone, wouldn’t let him try even to reach out, to try and maybe make Josh understand, instead it kept him in a fog that only seemed to be growing thicker, to be worsening as the darkness once more seemed to be enveloping him. How could he change what he knew was his destiny? How could he stop from hurting the last remaining person who had any faith in him? Robbie turned from the screen to look at Josh and he saw the way he sat there, saw the way his body seemed to be held in a vice, almost as if Josh were afraid that he would fall to pieces if he relaxed. He knew that feeling well, as did Justin, but at least Justin was at peace now and maybe his time would come too, hopefully before he caused any more pain.

Looking at Josh sitting there, the way his hair curled at the ends, a sort of gentle wave really more than a curl made his heart cry out for Josh’s touch but his mind refused, knowing that it was that touch that had brought Josh into this mess in the first place. If only he had kept to himself, if only he hadn’t taken that break and sat with him and gotten to know him, but he had and now Josh was doomed to suffer, all because of him. The tears inside grew and he could feel the rising tide of them as they threatened to swamp his very soul and yet he held on, for some strange inexplicable reason he kept holding on as if there was a chance, as if somewhere a lifeboat would come to rescue him and so rescue Josh and his family too. His mind didn’t believe it for a second but something, some part of him did and as he stared at Josh, he could feel himself slipping away, slowly reaching back to the darkness for its ability to hide him.

The way Josh’s eyes looked and the way his nostrils flared only made his heart ache more. There was so much he wished he could tell him, so much that he wanted to share with him beyond the fluff, that impossible dream, but he knew that the instant he spoke the words, the very second that he opened his mouth to explain it all, that he would lose Josh forever. It was something he knew would be for the best really, yet that damn voice inside, it continued to refuse to give up when the rest of him had, and he ached as he tried to silence it, to let him at least save Josh but it wouldn’t budge.

Part of him could see Josh looking back at him, part of him could even feel the very beat of Josh’s heart and yet in some ways it was as if Josh weren’t even there now. His mind continued to lecture, to order his body to ignore all that it was feeling but still he could feel it, could still feel a spark of something that he knew was what he and Josh once shared, once had together if only briefly. He felt the loss of that spark, felt it deep inside and he wished he could have it back again, wished for so many things that he knew were pointless to hope for but for some odd reason he couldn’t stop wishing.

The image of Justin smiling flashed in front of him and he felt his hand wanting to reach up and touch it, to once more feel Justin’s warmth next to his but just as quickly as it had come it vanished and another image came forward. He saw the hand, the way it lifted up high in the air and he stared outwards, mesmerized by the dull black colour of the leather strip held by the hand. He watched and waited, holding his breathe because he knew what it was, he knew who held it and he knew what he would see when it came crashing down. He cringed and tried to dig himself into the very back of the sofa but still the image grew larger in front of him, still it blocked his vision of everything else and he felt his voice struggling, desperate to cry out but held back, knowing that shouting would be useless.

He watched the hand come down, heard the harsh slap of the wide leather strip as it met the soft flesh and the cries began once more inside his head, once more he felt himself shaking as he held his peace, held his voice but he could hear himself screaming inside, could hear himself swearing, begging for divine intervention but instead of seeing the hand stayed, he only saw it rise again and fall again, rise again and fall. His heart continued to slowly break apart, to slowly let the pieces fall away as his mind relived the horror of that night, that one night when he had failed the most.

He was the older of the two, it was up to him to protect Justin and he had failed as the constant replay of that night now showed him, now proved to his quaking heart. How could he explain that to anyone, how could anyone hearing it look at him without feeling disgust and horror? It revolted even him, so how could anyone else feel any differently about it? His pulse raced as he could see the leather strap falling again, hear the harsh sound of leather on skin and now the cries were echoing within his ears, just as they had that night so long ago, that night when he stopped believing, when he was certain that his soul had died.

His eyes turned away from Josh’s face, even though he no longer could see it, to stare down at his arm and hand. He saw the fingers give a slight tremble, and he saw the edge of the white bandage but it wasn’t that which held his gaze. He could almost see it now, almost feel it in his hands grip and the pain rose up, the grief took hold of him and he began to shake.

The mist grew thicker and yet he could see it all stretched out before him once more, just as he had many times since but now he knew it for what it was. He felt the heaviness of the leather, felt it weighing on him as he stared at the scarred bare cheeks. He saw them shake, saw the way the slow trickle of blood rolled down the shaking flesh and he cried inside, begging for the memory to stop, begging for his life to end and the tremble grew as he rocked back and forth in the sofa, his face twisted in the grief of his loss and in the realization of all that he had done.

Tears rolled down his face in a flood of water and he didn’t even hear the anxious cries next to him as he flayed his arms, desperate to push away the dark bloody memory that haunted him, that rose up and was consuming him with every tick of his heart. He cried now, blubbering incoherently as he saw and heard each thud of the leather strap, heard the voice crying with each hard slap of the leather against the tender creamy flesh. His body shook in the terror of it all as he fought against it, fought to hold on but all he could see was his hand, the leather strap, the bloody cheeks and he knew there was no stopping it, no end to its constant repeat and he shook harder, rocking back and then reaching for his ankles, trying to hold his body from falling apart. His voice was lost in the cries of the other, was muted by the younger voice begging for the pain to stop and he knew it wouldn’t, knew it wasn’t ever going to stop and it was his fault. He was the monster he knew he was and there was nothing he could do about it, he had tried but even God had refused him, as his hands flayed around, as his mind continued the dark replay of his misdeeds.

Part 3

The screen continued to glow as he saw the same smiling face that he had seen earlier, outside the Hospital and he felt the anger once more, felt the terror too as he relived that moment oblivious to everything else. Josh’s mind continued to try and sort it all out, his heart continued to beat but it was slowing, feeling the pain stabbing at it, feeling the deep sorrow that seemed to suddenly exist all around him. There was no escape from it and it was almost as if the entire room was suddenly closing in on him. He felt the panic tearing into him, felt his doubts rising with each beat of his heart and he turned, hoping for solace in the arms of his lover but instead he found only despair.

His eyes bulged as he saw the way Robbie was slowly growing darker to him, the way his face no longer seemed white but instead was becoming ashen and creased. Josh suddenly heard his father’s voice and for a second he felt relief but then he realized that it wasn’t his father, instead it was a well edited version of earlier and the emptiness inside grew as he turned away from Robbie, seeing the hospital, seeing his father standing with a microphone thrust under his face.

The anger grew hot inside as he reached for the remote and with an angry push he switched the television off but the noise didn’t go with the picture. He sat there; hearing a sobbing sound that was unfamiliar and a sudden chill crept through his body. He felt it reach deep inside as he felt the sudden vibration of the sofa, felt the harsh cries echoing and he turned slowly, afraid to look but knowing he must.

His eyes bulged wide open as he saw Robbie beating his head against the back of the sofa, his eyes glazed and empty of all signs of life. He saw the way he moved his lips with only a strange guttural sound coming from behind his lips and terror suddenly filled Josh. He felt the panic taking hold of him and he stood up, backing away for a moment as Robbie rocked in the sofa, his eyes looking so lifeless, so empty and dark that for a moment he wanted to run, to seek shelter anywhere but here and yet as his feet tried to move, as his body tried to twist around to lead him away his heart began to thunder, to beat so loud that it drowned out Robbie’s cries.

Josh stood there for a second or two before he reached down, reached for Robbie but he couldn’t grab hold, couldn’t trap one of the flaying hands that now punched outwards, hitting the sofa with such force that Josh thought he would punch through the very fabric and hit the wall. His fear grew as he saw the wild look in Robbie’s face and he knew that he needed help, but there was no one here, no one but him and he couldn’t leave, no matter how much his mind urged him too. This was his Robbie; his and so he couldn’t leave him alone, not now, not this way.

He didn’t know what to do and yet his hands continued to fight with Robbie, continued to try to hold him back to stop him from trying to rip off the bandages and as much as he tried, he knew he was failing, knew that he was losing. Tears rolled down his face as he pleaded with Robbie to stop, begging him to stop it and yet as much as he cried, as much as he struggled he could feel the battle being lost, could feel the emptiness reaching for him too and yet he fought on, refusing to surrender despite the fear, the panic that held sway inside of him. Josh could feel himself praying for help even as he begged Robbie to stop, and he could feel the tightness in his chest as he struggled for air, the adrenaline pumping wildly into his blood stream and still Robbie was winning out, still he was the stronger.

There seemed to be no stopping Robbie and his mind was still urging him to run, to leave and summon help but he knew in his heart that he couldn’t, that leaving now would be admitting defeat and as his hands fought for control, as his body tried to press down and hold Robbie’s own flaying body down, he knew that he couldn’t let that happen. He knew that no matter what it was that was tearing Robbie apart, he had to fight it because he loved him, he truly did so he couldn’t let his fear defeat him.

He struggled even harder, praying for help and begging God to give him the strength to fight Robbie, to control him so he couldn’t hurt himself anymore. His voice was lost among the sobs and the cries that came from Robbie, who begged him to leave him, to let him go but he refused, continued to fight even though it felt like he would lose. His body was growing weak as they struggled and he didn’t know how much longer he could hold on when he felt the hot breath against his cheek.

Josh couldn’t move to see but he saw the bare arm come in under his own and reach for Robbie’s flaying arm, helping to pin him down and against his backside he felt the press of a young hard body, adding its own weight and strength to his and together they were able to finally stop the wild gyrations, to hold Robbie’s arms apart so his fingers couldn’t dig and tear at the bandages. He could hear the hot breath gasping next to his ear and he silently thanked God for his help and then feeling a bit more secure, he managed to turn his face to stare into his brother’s face. His eyes locked into Joel’s as they both stayed there, leaning against Robbie, holding him down and now other sounds intruded as he saw the fear in Joel’s face, saw the terror even and he turned away, to look at Robbie and he felt so helpless as his parents came down the stairs.