Chapter 26

Part 1

His face was ashen as he looked at himself in the mirror. He couldn’t believe what he had done, how he had simply lost it and as he stared at the picture of himself, the reflection showing just how much of a failure he had been, Walter began to slowly wipe away the pain. He splashed cold water on his face, hoping to ease the redness and puffiness around the eyes, a tell tale sign of someone who had been crying. Bad enough that there had been people there but he didn’t need to advertise it further with new arrivals coming.

All this time he had managed to keep his emotions to himself. Not even the death of his mother had brought such tears to his face and certainly not in public. Sure, he had cried for her but that had been in the privacy of the cabin, just the animals and himself, no one else to witness his shame, his surrender into emotion. Even then though it hadn’t been much of a tear letting, as he had fought the urge and won. Strange, he had always been closer to his mother and yet the collapse of his father made him go to pieces. Walt just couldn’t understand it as he stared as his reflection for the umpteenth time in a few minutes.

Nothing had been easy for him, and his own father had been the one who told him that men needed to be strong, that they needed to control and contain the emotions such as crying and weeping, that it was sissy stuff and not for men like Fisher Men. Christ the old man sure had some strange thoughts about the family name, how it had to have ‘honour,’ had to have ‘dignity’ and yet here he goes and collapses at a piece of bad news. Typical of him, he always was more of the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ type person, still though he had to admit that he hadn’t really seen the old geezer cry much. He did bawled his eyes out when his Mom died, but at least he had the decency to do it only in front of the family.

Just thinking back to that time, he grew angry with Tommy but also at himself, because he had surpassed the old man in the waterworks department today, and unlike his father, he did it in public too. Well at least none of the boys… He struggled again, trying to keep himself from giving in as he started to think about his two sons, both of whom he knew were now lost to him. He still couldn’t accept that Justin was gone, that his smiling face would no longer peer into his as he announced a trip to the cabin or some other treat. It was hard to imagine what breakfast would be like without the hustle and bustle of a teenager heading off to school, nor could he really fathom just how he would get through the entire school year without hearing Justin’s report on his day. It was almost as if life as he knew it had just suddenly ceased to exist.

The tears continued to press for release but his fists closed tightly into the palms of his hands, refusing to give in any further. He sighed deeply, wondering just how he was going to make it through today, never mind the rest of his life. His temper was hot as he stared at himself, thinking that the doctors hadn’t been honest with him. There had to be something else that had happened, there just wasn’t anyway that Justin would have ignored such a serious problem. Besides, that doctor that had treated Justin, he seemed to be on Robbie’s side too, the way he over rode his objections to let Robbie talk with Justin, robbing him, the boy’s father, of any last second conversation. It was infuriating to him as he thought about that doctor and he vowed to get more information, once all this stupid emotionalism was behind him.

His body ached still and he knew that he had shocked some of his friends with his sudden outburst, but he also knew that they, being the weak souls they were, wouldn’t put much stock in it, in fact it might serve him better as he knew that he was about to engage in a tremendous struggle. There just wasn’t any let up when you were a father and husband and mentor. There was so much for him to do, so many details that he had to take care of and yet for now, all he could think of was that his life had changed, that it would no longer be the life he had dreamed of and as he stood there, shivering a little he wondered why God had singled him out for such harsh treatment? What had he done that had warranted God to take from him his pride and joy, wasn’t it enough that God had let Robbie become lost to him, that he had let Robbie be corrupted into turning into one of ‘them’? Surely that was enough of a punishment or was God still punishing him for what had happened so long ago, when he was just a mere child, younger even than Justin?

Thinking back to then made his eyes narrow and it made him clench the side of the counter he was leaning against even harder. His fingers ached from the strain as he saw those images passing in front of him, the one’s of him crying and pleading for the pain to stop and yet it never stopped, not for days did it stop and he had spent every waking minute of those days and nights begging, crying, pleading and for nothing. If he had been strong then, if he had known then what he knew now, perhaps the pain would have ended sooner, perhaps the pain that still tortured him would be less? He shook his head in anger, knowing that he had failed in being a man then, and he swore that he wouldn’t do that again, not now, not with so much still to do but Justin wasn’t here, Justin and Robbie were no longer a part of his life and as he straightened up, he knew he would just have to find other ways to compensate for the loss.

His will continued to exert its strength over his memories and he shut out the horrible pictures of himself when he was only ten, and he shut out the aftermath of it too, the disbelief that he had seen in his own father’s face back then when it had all come out, the way even his own brother had acted. Well, today he was stronger, today he was a real man and while he knew he had a momentary lapse, he knew too that he would never let that happen again. People expected better of him, and he expected better of himself too as he splashed more cold water on his face, shoving the pain and grief deep inside of him, to that place where he kept it all hidden and his mind was once more clear, once more able to function as he wished. Walter Fisher had overcome the grief and he straightened his shoulders back, ran his hand through his hair and stared at the reflection one last time.

Walter walked out of the bathroom, his ears picking up the growing sound of voices and he knew that more people had arrived to offer their sympathy to him and his wife. He stared at the hallway, wondering if he should go to the living room first but his mind knew better and he turned and headed towards their bedroom. He entered it and closed the door, and in a second he had the little personal directory open and had the number dialled on the bedroom phone. He waited for a few minutes and then finally was able to be connected to his lawyer after some quick explanations. The secretary had expressed her own sympathy but he thought she could keep her pity, right now he had more important things to deal with and as he spoke, the lawyer on the other end knew that Walter Fisher meant business.

He didn’t leave anything to chance either as he spoke, speaking in a hard tone so there would be no argument. Damn if he would let some jerk ass doctor get away with what that Mills-Smith fellow had this morning. Walter knew that it would be a hard battle, but then he was a man, he could take whatever was thrown at him and keep on standing; besides family honour and family dignity demanded that he do no less, so the lawyer’s objections were shunted aside. He didn’t care what it cost, he would have his day in court and as he hung up the phone, he felt better. The lawyer hadn’t argued that much and in fact, Stanley Karmon seemed as if there just might be a case they could win. He at least was willing to check into it and these days, well it had to mean something.

Walter wasn’t certain just what it was he wanted to have Stanley do, or even how much they should try to get, but he wanted to try, hell he had to try because the family honour was at stake. There really wasn’t a choice so he put the phone down, his plan already in motion he hoped, and headed back to the living room. With all the people here there was no way he could go to the hospital just yet, the people coming would expect him and Sharon to be here, so he turned and reached for the phone one more time. He called the hospital to find out that his father was doing much better, and Pastor Johnson even came to the phone to tell him that they no longer thought that Tommy had had a stroke, instead they seemed confident that it was merely a mild panic attack but they were wanting to keep Tommy overnight for observation.

Pastor Johnson informed Walter that Tommy wasn’t co-operating so it was most likely that he would be heading home, or perhaps if Walter had agreed, he would be bringing Tommy to the Fisher place. He had smiled a little at that news, knowing that even his own father was finally getting his strength back, that he was once more becoming the man that he had taught both him and his brother to be, so he told the Pastor to let Tommy decide where he wanted to go. If it were to come to his home, he would see that a spare room was available; if he insisted on going back to his own house, then Sharon or he would stop by later, once things settled down some. Pastor Johnson seemed relieved at that for some reason, but he didn’t dally on the phone, there was company that he had to attend to.

Walking towards the room he felt much better, and somehow he knew that he would get through his loss, after all he was a man and men were designed to handle this stuff, it is why God made them first, or so he believed. His head was held high as he strode back into the room, his eyes glancing around to see who had arrived and who had left. It looked much as it had before his outburst, and he noticed that hardly any had left. Well if they had stayed to see if he would recover or break down again, they were in for a disappointment, because he was back in charge, master of his own body and his emotions once more. No more break downs, no more tears to cloud his mission, his job as the head of the Fisher household.

Part 2

Debbie kept looking at the wall clock, then her watch and then even the tiny little clock on the bottom of her computer task bar. It was unnerving the way the seconds kept ticking away and still no word yet from Sy. She knew it would be close, assuming he could convince the Minister to order the investigation, but he just had to pull it off, he had to.

Her mind continued to swirl around as she kept swivelling around, looking at different clocks or just staring off into space. Even the normal buzz in the room seemed subdued, as if everyone knew what she was up to and were waiting with baited breathe for the phone call. Her nerves were raw as each jangle of the phone made her turn towards the desk that held the ringing phone, her eyes opening wide as if asking if that were the call, and each time the person answering would shake their head she felt her stomach turn, the acid churning as the clock continued its march towards its own answer.

In many ways she felt excited too, after all her years, she was actually doing something that wasn’t by the book. Sitting back staring at the large wall clock and its march forwards she felt the exhilaration of the wind in her face, that fresh air breeze of having done something that was simply right, not because a rule said it had to be or not but simply because inside, she knew it was right. She didn’t quite yet understand how she knew this, or even what it was that she was so concerned about in any real sense, she just knew that following the book wasn’t going to get her the answers and worse, wasn’t going to end whatever horror was going on in the Fisher household. It was strange to think like this, not because she was relying on years of experience either, but simply because she had this feeling deep inside of her. The outward appearance of the Fisher’s was that they were a model family, the boys excelled in sports, the parents were there for them, not part time but all the time; so why then did she feel that Justin and Robbie were tortured souls? Why did she feel that their pain wasn’t exclusive to just them?

Everything about both boys said they were normal teenagers, that they had an active social life, that they were not the typical kid who would abuse drugs or alcohol or get into trouble, so why then did she feel that the reports were wrong? Why did she stare at Justin’s school records and think of how neat it all fit, how it looked so sanitary? Hell, even the so called teacher reports of incidents seemed to be so neat, so clean, almost as if they were rehearsed, were simply a copy of a pre set standardized form, but that wasn’t possible, was it? Her eyes narrowed and she picked up Justin’s school records again, reading the average thick file, pulling out the few reports of incidents, checking them to see if her instincts were simply playing tricks with her.

Kids like Justin and Robbie, popular boys, usually had the odd run in with other kids or authority and yet looking through the files, there wasn’t a whole lot there. Okay Justin had a problem with a new teacher, and the report claimed he was arrogant, almost to the point of insolence; but then the follow up report by the teacher claimed it was simply a misunderstanding, that Justin had been under pressure from too much practise, that the father had explained it satisfactorily to her and that she didn’t feel the need for further action; but that didn’t mesh. Her initial report claimed that she felt fear from the boy, that he could become a potential “ticking bomb,” to use the teacher’s words, and then less than two days later it was just a misunderstanding? She looked at the name of the teacher and found she had been a substitute, and after a few more checks she also found that the same teacher was now a full time teacher at the school based on a recommendation from the Principle.

Strange, it seemed that in the middle of a school year the Principle had requested a teacher be added to the roster, not usual procedure and especially not for a stickler like Arthur Keats, who hated red tape but was so by the book that she was sure entire forests were grown just for all the reports his school generated and that thought made her sit up. Arthur Keats was indeed a stickler for reports, reports for every minor instance of the operation of his school and yet looking at Justin’s and Robbie’s records, they were lean. There were no follow up reports of teacher/administration discussions, no follow-ups on discussions with the parents or even with the students involved in the incidents listed. Where was the typical Keats paperwork for Justin Fisher? Why were there no memos or reports of anything but what you would expect from any student file except a Mount Doug one? Sure, the file was in order, standard format used by most schools, an incident would be filed, then usually a resolution statement of what had been done, on occasion, depending on the severity, there would be an accounting of who was talked to, what was discussed, and even what recommendations were made; and yet here, there was none of those. Just the initial report and then the adjudicated result, and that wasn’t normal by most standards, not given the severity of some of the initial reports.

Where was the boy’s councillor interview with the participants? Where were the reports on the discussions with the parents? Even phone discussions with them should be noted and recorded, yet none of those existed in Justin’s files. But they had to, there had to be calls otherwise how could the adjudicated results exist?

Debbie picked up the report again from the substitute teacher and read it line by line, word by word and then she read it again, followed by reading the final report. It said that the father had explained the situation to the teacher’s satisfaction, but what about the boy’s councillor, or the Vice Principle even? Why were they not involved or if they were, where in blazes were their reports? The nagging feeling in her stomach became worse as she pondered the sudden realization that the files she had were not the whole file. Someone or maybe several someone’s had obviously gone through the records with a fine tooth comb and either removed or simply substituted cleaned reports.

From her own involvement with Arthur Keats she found it difficult to believe that this was true, that the student files were deliberately tampered with and yet she had to admit, the files were inconsistent with his reputation for by the book paperwork. It had been a treat for her in the last case, to have so much information to work with, much of which was useless really but it had given her the facts she had needed and so this was puzzling, to say the least. She sat back, a pencil in her mouth as she thought about it, trying to figure out what it was that she was missing here. Arthur Keats was no fool, he was a top rated administrator and he knew the rules better than perhaps even those who wrote the manuals and books that he followed, yet these files were not up to his standards.

Her mind continued to work on different levels as the clock continued its march towards that time when it would mean they had failed and yet, despite her growing anxiety over the lack of news from Sy, she was still able to ponder the mysterious lack of reports in the files. Not only that, she also was thinking about her dinner date with Myron, and she had a strange tingling in places she hadn’t thought of for a long, long time. Funny how she could sit here, think about SY, about Arthur and also feel the growing urge to be with Myron? Maybe there was hope for her yet but part of her still didn’t quite believe that. Part of her still felt at odds with what she was doing but damn it felt good anyhow. How could something that felt so good, felt so right, be so wrong?

It also was strange how many around her were reacting to the news of her attempted crusade as it reached everyone. Many had stopped their work to stare at her, as if they thought it had to be a trick of some kind, many shaking their heads in disbelief at first but gradually believing it as time wore on and her own nervous attitude showed through. Funny, she had never really made friends with any of the people here, other than maybe Harry Converse, and even that was more of a coffee room type friendship. She had rarely gone to any social gatherings at the start of her career with Social Services and lately she had to admit, there just weren’t the invitations to any for her to consider. Thinking about it, she realized just how lonely her life had become and maybe that was the reason that she so desperately wanted Myron’s attention? Could it simply be that she was lonely? Could the attraction she thought she was feeling for him be just that she was tired of being alone, of having no one to share her problems with or was it real? Were her feelings genuine and based on an attraction or was she just deluding herself one more time?

Her thoughts were certainly all over the place as once more her eyes strayed to the clock and yet she also wondered about the files, her hand resting on the folder, her fingers tapping the cover as she thought about how she could find out, wondering if maybe that was what CH News had, that maybe they had a different set of records than she had or was she maybe giving them more credit than they deserved? Were they merely following their own hunches? Could they be digging into this story because it was topical? Could they be so callous as to simply be looking for the sensationalism that outing a top local high school athlete could bring them, coupled with the death of another? Was that really all they had or was it more than that, did they really know something and, if they did, were the people in charge so naïve as to try and hide it from the authorities?

Her mind was so preoccupied with all these different scenarios that she missed the first call to her, but as the voice finally reached her, she sat upright in her chair, reaching for her phone and punching the flashing light over the number that her co-worker had yelled out. Her hands were suddenly moist from sweat as she knew this was it, this would be Sy and all her thoughts, all her planning would tell now.

Debbie “Debbie Winston.”

Sy Greenlee “Well, it’s me…”

Her heart was beating a mile a second as she recognized Sy Greenlee’s voice. She new it was showing too, the way some people had stopped their work to turn and stare at her. Everyone it seemed had wind of what was up and for a minute she was perturbed but then she realized that it felt good to know that others actually were as nervous as she was. Strange how she had never felt like this before, or at least if she had she had never given into it like she was now.

Debbie “Christ I was starting to get nervous Sy, so, is he ordering an investigation?”

Sy “Whoa, slow down Debbie, yes, he’s agreed to ordering one, but…”

Debbie “I could kiss you… what do you mean but? What ‘but’ can there be Sy?”

Sy “The ‘but’ is that you are going to need a lot more to

get a Judge to grant an injunction, I have already made

the rounds, best that I can get you is Judge Green who said he’d watch the newscast and if he felt they had relevant information he would issue a writ to seize the files, but only after Debbie.”

Her heart sank at the words and she couldn’t hide it either. Her whole body just seemed to sag in the chair and her hand gripped the phone even tighter, her knuckles growing white from the pressure she was exerting. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Steve Ferguson looking at her and begin to walk towards her desk. Strange, but it gave her some strength to see the concern on his face and she straightened up a little, refusing to accept this as a total failure.

Debbie “Sy that’s not good enough, shit, if they telecast their story, it’ll cause nothing but grief for Robbie Fisher, the family, and worse it will compromise the integrity of our investigation. Come on Sy, there has to be one Judge who will listen?”

Sy “Afraid not Debbie, hell even the Minister helped me make the rounds, none of them are willing to go out on such a thin limb. You know how it is, they may be independent but the media can still roast them, shit you know what happened to Judge Crandall and that isn’t all that long ago. They just don’t want the grief unless they have something more substantial Debbie. Sorry.”

Part of her wished she could just strangle those men and women in robes at times, but she also knew that what Sy was saying was right. She really had nothing substantial to go on, just her hunches and even those she had to admit were suspect. After all she might have been a long time social worker but only lately did it seem like she had finally figured out what that meant, what the job really was about. If she could take that long, well it was at least understandable at why the judiciary was just as cautious.

Debbie knew the Crandall case, a Judge who had issued arrest warrants for a prominent figure based solely on a teacher’s suspicions. The man had been hauled to jail before anyone could interview either the man or the child involved or even the teacher for that matter and as it turned out, the teacher had been totally wrong in her suspicions. It also turned out that the teacher had been a one time associate of the prominent man and wasn’t happy that he had recently become engaged to someone other than her. What a mess it had been and the Judge, while acting on what he thought was enough evidence to at least protect an innocent child, it wasn’t and his entire career had been ruined. He had been forced to retire as the media had really gone to town on him, calling him out of touch, saying he was one of those who thought a person’s rights were irrelevant and worse. So yeah, she knew how the Judge’s would feel, didn’t make it right but she could understand it.

Debbie “So a 18 year old gets outed on local television while the funeral hasn’t even been set for his brother? Is that justice Sy?”

Sy “No Debbie, it isn’t justice, it is the law though.”

Debbie “Fuck the law Sy, sorry, guess this really has me in knots…”

Sy “You don’t say? I am sorry I couldn’t get it all for you Debbie, I have never heard you so passionate on something like this, must say it took me by surprise. But look, at least you got your investigation.”

Debbie “Yeah? Strange, I think that was a compliment yet it feels more like a condemnation.”

Sy “It was meant as a compliment, Debbie.”

Debbie “I know Sy, but it shouldn’t be a first, hell it shouldn’t even be out of the normal, should it? Guess better late than never though, right Sy?”

Sy “I suppose so, uh the Judge said he’ll watch it in chambers. You are welcome to join him and if you have the paperwork ready, if the newscast shows what you expect it to, he’ll sign it and you can get right on over to the station. You’ll need an RCMP officer and a local detective to serve the papers. You have all that arranged?”

Debbie “Yeah I do, or will have, can we all meet there? I mean the police and all, plus I’d like to go too, don’t know why but I would.”

Sy “Yeah, thought as much, it’s all arranged.”

Debbie “Okay, thanks Sy, say, who is the AG assigning to head up this investigation?”

Sy “I was afraid you might ask that. Uh, he’s appointing a back bencher, Gill Tucker from the Kootenay’s to head it.”

Debbie “Tucker? One of the new one’s?”

Sy “Yeah, he’s a teacher Debbie, some private school up there, don’t know all that much about him.”

The name wasn’t familiar to her but then most of the new MLA’s weren’t familiar to anyone, as the Liberals had swept to power just a year earlier. All she knew was that budgets were being cut, that money was in even a shorter supply and her own department, already understaffed might be facing more staffing cuts. Well, maybe this could help her but she doubted it. Most politicians, especially the new one’s, would be still basking in their victory and unwilling to jeopardize a re-election battle. She sighed a little wondering just how did any of those who came in contact with the department ever make it through it in one piece? It had to be luck but then, maybe it wasn’t just luck, maybe she had been wrong about many of her co­workers just as she had been so wrong about the rules and guidelines that had been her fallback for so many years?

Debbie “Great, just what we need. You going to be at the Judge’s chambers, Sy?”

Sy “Not sure, have to get a few things finished up here, but I might be. I am sending Margaret Sinclair though, she’s good and should be able to make a case, if your hunch is right.”

Debbie “Okay, so what time?”

Sy “Just after five?”

Debbie “Thanks Sy, appreciate your help.”

Sy “Yeah, well I don’t know, the old Debbie was tough enough, this new version of you, man you were sure spitting nails earlier. Uh, Debbie, I hope it works out for you.”

It was funny to think that Sy had thought she was tough, and yet thinking about it she knew that what he had taken for toughness was really simply her hiding behind the rules and guidelines of a system that had way too many rules. Thinking about it, she wondered if maybe she was going too far in the opposite direction and then she started wondering about Myron. God, he looked so desirable early this morning and yet he had acted like he cared, like it meant something to him to be with her and she wished he would call, wished he could talk with her about what she was feeling. Maybe it would help her decide if this were the right way to go or maybe she needed a change. Maybe this case should be her swan song?

Debbie “Thanks, sorry if I was, well, you know.”

Sy “Yeah, okay don’t forget to get a local one there, okay? If you don’t, they’ll be pissed and you do need them, okay?”

Debbie “I know, I’ll have Steve get one.”

Sy “Okay, he’s a good man Debbie. Wish we could get you a few more like him, but its just not in the damn budget.”

Debbie “Is anything in the budget?”

Sy “No, guess it seems like there isn’t, well, good luck.”

Hanging up the phone was easy; it was lifting her head up to see everyone looking at her that was tough. Sy was right, she had gotten something, just not what she had hoped for and it showed in her face, for the first time she let it show and people turned away out of sympathy really, or so she thought. Funny, she had never asked for their support before and yet now that she had it, it was strange. In some ways she had this feeling that she had let them down and yet she knew it wasn’t her fault, she had tried but it just wasn’t good enough.

Her eyes found their way to Steve Ferguson’s face and he looked at her with a strange new expression. In the past she could see the disdain in his eyes for her but not now, not this time around and she really did wonder why it had taken her so long to realize that the rules were nice but they weren’t what she was hired for nor was it what she had signed on for. They were just so many words that really weren’t very meaningful, least not if a child’s welfare was at stake. Well, she had tried to buck the system and at least she had a partial victory.

Steve came over slowly and smiled at her, knowing or at least seeming like he knew how she was feeling and it gave her hope that perhaps this could still work. After all, Judge Green was at least willing to stay late and watch the telecast, and if they had everything in order they might at least be able to still do some good. Besides, it might be more effective if they could act right after the broadcast, then perhaps she could have her own news conference, one where she could add her two cents in on the matter of yellow journalism. Maybe it would indeed be a victory still, if she kept her cool and if she kept to the game plan.

Quickly she had filled Steve in and it was finally all arranged just before the time to leave that a local RCMP officer and a local Saanich Detective would meet them at Judge Green’s chambers downtown at the courthouse. Funny how Steve could certainly get the co-operation that she never seemed to get, but then people liked Steve, they said he had a sense of ‘fire’ that made him attract willing support. She should pay more attention to how he worked too; maybe it would help her, as she knew that this was just a beginning for what would be her real career. Whatever else might come from all this, she knew she would never be the rule pushing regulation shouting bitch that she had been; now she hoped she could be what she had set out to become, to be a social worker that worked for her clients, not for some system, some faceless uncaring bureaucracy.

She was gathering her papers and files when the phone rang on her desk, she could see it was her private line and she debated if she should just ignore it or not but as it was her private line she signalled to Steve to head on out, that she’d meet him downstairs and quickly she picked up the phone. Her voice was harried but as she heard the tones and recognized the voice she sat down to talk. It was amazing how she had hoped he would call and yet in all the excitement of getting papers typed and processed, she hadn’t really thought about him as a part of it all. It was more that he was something separate and yet she knew that he wasn’t, as he told her about all that had gone on at Victoria General. In a flash she made up her mind and told him to meet her at the courthouse, telling him about the investigation and that Judge Green might give them a writ and he could perhaps add his two cents.

Her hand gripped the phone tightly, wondering if he would come or would he beg off? She knew it mattered to her and she also knew that having him there wasn’t just about the case, but that she needed to have him there for her. Strange, she never really felt like she needed anyone’s approval before and now here she was, not only seeking it from her fellow workers but also from a relative stranger. God, was she that desperate to validate her life or was it more that she was finally waking up to the fact that she couldn’t exist in the vacuum that she had created, calling it her life?

Part 3

Myron put the phone down and stared across at the Rabbi and his wife. They had returned from the hospital only a short time ago and both Josh and Robbie had gone downstairs to rest, though he wondered if sleep was really on their minds or was it to go over all that had happened in such a short time? The youngest Goldberg had also gone to his own room and he wondered for a moment what he thought about all this? He had been relatively quiet during the Rabbi’s battle with that jerk Askew, and he wondered what he had said to his parents on the way home? He had brought Robbie and Josh home in his car, needing to talk things over with Robbie and already he knew that this case was turning into something far bigger than he had imagined. Worse was that he also felt he was falling in love with Debbie and all the way to the Rabbi’s house he could only think of her, wondering how she would feel and when she would be available for their dinner.

Oh he had kept his mind on the task ahead, on Robbie’s situation and now also the Rabbi’s because the proverbial shit was about to hit the fan in about 45 minutes or less. He wondered how he could handle that, being Robbie’s lawyer and all, there was a potential for a definite conflict of interest and yet as he sat there, he knew that the Rabbi was more than capable of handling himself. He really had been impressed by him and yet after the confrontation, the Rabbi acted like nothing had happened, as if the whole interview hadn’t really taken place but he would know it soon enough. There would be repercussions too, from the congregation and he had hoped to try and prepare the Rabbi and even as he had broached the subject, all the Rabbi did was look at him with a smile, shrug his shoulders and say ‘Nu, what else would you expect?’ and that was it.

It was almost as if he knew there would be trouble and yet was totally unconcerned by the prospect. In some ways the Rabbi did indeed seem to have grown several feet in the short span of that interview but it was in his mind, and yet, maybe there was something to knowing that you were fighting the good fight? Maybe there was something to doing the right thing even if all around you people shied away from it, turned a blind eye to what was wrong simply because it meant less heartache? Could the Rabbi have found the answer really to less heartburn, less acid burning in your throat and in ending ulcers by simply doing the right thing?

Myron “I have to run, it seems like Social Services is taking a very strong stand, I uh, I can’t say much right now, but I’ll be in touch after the newscast.”

Rabbi “So, you have been most helpful Myron, maybe some night you’ll come to shul?”

There was a twinkle in the Rabbi’s face and Myron knew that he was being needled a little, which was okay. Besides, it might be an idea to go to shul just to see and hear one of the Rabbi’s sermons, if they were anything like how he spoke to that reporter then it just might be worth the price of admission. He smiled though knowing that what he had seen this afternoon was unique, or maybe it wasn’t? For a second he stared at the Rabbi and wondered if perhaps this was just a preview of things to come? Damn, if it was, well then it certainly would be worthwhile to sit in the pews and watch.

Myron “Rabbi, haha, always plugging away huh? Maybe, uh, Rabbi, you really don’t seem effected by all this, do you?”

Rabbi “Oh, it has touched me, but there is no sense in agonizing over what I have no control over; besides Myron, I have you for all that, yes?”

Myron “Yes, well, we’ll have to discuss that later too. I don’t know if it is proper for me to act for you as well as Robbie, as I explained…”

Rabbi “Yes, that conflict shtik, well not to worry. You just make sure you do the best for Robbie; as for an old man like me, well I think I can manage, after all I am a Rabbi, and who better is there who knows about politics and prima donnas, yes?”

Myron “Yes, I suppose. The congregation isn’t going to be happy though, Rabbi.”

There had been a moment, a fleeting moment at the hospital when he had thought about his congregation and now once more the thought came to him. He knew that many of them, especially the old timers, wouldn’t understand the whole gay stuff, and that those who did know what it was, well they wouldn’t want their Rabbi to be so involved. As much as he liked to think that he could handle it, he knew that his job was on the line, that it was actually at risk but then he also knew that he could do no less than he had. He just knew that he couldn’t be a true Rabbi if he had stayed silent, and worse than that, he couldn’t call himself a father if he had not stood up for his own flesh and blood. No, the congregation would be a problem, but he believed in God and so he felt that whatever would happen, it would happen as it was supposed to and he’d have to accept whatever that was.

Rabbi “So? They going to fire me? I think they would not like that publicity less than what they are going to have from this; so no, I think they may yell a little but when its all over with, they’ll stand with me, after all, it is the right thing and I believe that they are all basically good people. So don’t worry, it is a storm I can manage.”

Myron “I think so too, well, I’ll call you later.”

Rabbi “Well if you want, but I thought you had a dinner date? This the lady you just talked with? This social worker?”

Myron “Uh, yes, yes it is Rabbi.”

Rabbi “She a nice girl Myron? She’s not Jewish is she?”

Myron “Yes Rabbi, she is a nice girl, and no, no she isn’t Jewish.”

Rabbi “Well, I suppose not all nice girls have to be Jewish do they? Maybe you’ll bring her for supper one night?”

Myron “Rabbi, please, we aren’t, I mean…”

Rabbi “Oh yes you are, but like most of us men you just don’t know it yet; but take it from me, you are. I can see it in your eyes, now go, we’ll have plenty of time later to shmooze.”

He shook his head as he gathered up his stuff and said his goodbyes to the Rabbi and to Mrs Goldberg who was once more busy in the kitchen. She had been so quiet when they came home, and he could see the way she kept looking at everyone, the pride you could almost feel, it just simply oozed from her and he noticed how her eyes kept filling with tears each time she looked at the Rabbi. If he didn’t know they were married he would swear that she was falling in love with him all over again. It was actually quite amazing to him to see how she would turn and look at the Rabbi, as if she were a schoolgirl out on her first date with the man. He couldn’t believe it really and yet deep inside it was something he too felt, but for Debbie and he wondered if this could be the one, if she was perhaps that elusive one that he had always hoped for?

Driving the car towards Burdett Street and the Courthouse he felt a bit ashamed. Here he was going to see about a case and yet all he could think about was Debbie and how she had looked at him last night while walking. It was as if she were an angel and yet he knew that she had doubts too, but somehow he was hoping that the doubts they both had would be just so much smoke, that they could just huff a little and blow them away. It was amazing too how the Rabbi seemed to have picked up on it and he felt kind of warm inside, the way the Rabbi didn’t seem to object, to offer the standard sermon about how he should find a nice Jewish girl, and to offer to have them for dinner. Well he knew that certainly would be an interesting experience.

Myron had to admit; at first he hadn’t been impressed with the Rabbi. In fact he had thought him rather pushy and yet also rather timid but he certainly had been wrong in that first impression. The man sure had shown him what the saying ‘an iron fist in a velvet glove’ meant in how he had remained so resolute when facing the reporter but then again, perhaps he shouldn’t have been so surprised, after all the Rabbi had been rather persistent in getting him to help Robbie too. No, he knew that Rabbi Goldberg would definitely be able to handle the congregation, at least as well as anyone could and yet maybe it wouldn’t hurt for him to try and help? Maybe he could head some of it off by talking to Sam?

Pulling up, he found a parking spot right near the Burdett Street entrance to the courthouse and as he climbed out of his car, he looked over at the Cherry Bank Hotel and thought that maybe he and Debbie could saunter over there after. It was a nice place and they made top notch ribs and they could perhaps have a nice dinner without having to go far or worry over where to go. He shook his head, as he knew that he was here on lawyer business not monkey business but still, he couldn’t get her out of his mind. It was rather unusual for him and he struggled with not just these constant thoughts of her but with the hormones that seemed to be raging inside. Christ he had a boner too and that didn’t happen all that often. Okay he was a normal man, good looking women turned him on and brought the normal reactions but he had to admit, Debbie wasn’t a looker. Sure she had nice features but she was no cover girl model and yet it didn’t seem to matter much, she still managed to get all of his buttons popping.

Myron sighed as he pushed the night buzzer to summon the bailiff and gain entry. Looking at his watch he knew that the slight detour he had taken on his way here was going to be cutting it close but somehow he knew inside that it was important, that it should not be put off ’till later so he had agreed to the meeting. The Bailiff who answered the summons checked his ID while Myron explained who he was, and why he was here. A brief wait while his story was verified made him tap his finger on the black rectangular box and he looked down at it, wondering just what was in it and why had the man singled him out to receive it?

There was so much going on in his mind, the concern for the Rabbi, Robbie, and yet he couldn’t get his mind to relax, it kept turning back to Debbie and how much he wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. He knew that he was perhaps rushing things with Debbie but damn it, the racing pulse wasn’t due to being in the courthouse or even that there was something happening involving a client, it was that he was going to see Debbie and more importantly, that she had thought of inviting him. It all made him feel a bit giddy and for some reason he felt like whistling as he headed down the hallway to the Judge’s chambers and his rendezvous with Debbie Winston.

Part 4

He looked down at the hands that he held and the pain in his heart rose up as he shuddered a little, the white bandages showing clearly what they hid from sight. It still was hard for him to understand, to comprehend why someone like Robbie would feel the way he had, and he had to wonder if he really was over feeling that way, if maybe he still had some deep dark thoughts about just walking away from him and from life. Josh knew it was unreasonable and he felt ashamed at the thoughts but he couldn’t help it, he had been so scared that night and now, all that was going on, he was terrified that if things got worse, if people made comments and stuff, would Robbie be able to hold it together?

Josh “Does it still hurt?”

His eyes had stared at the soft hands that held his own and he could feel the tenderness that Josh had for him in the way he held his hands. Strange, he had never really felt that before, the way that Josh seemed to have such a light touch but then there seemed to be a lot of things he hadn’t noticed before. His heart gave a slight rumble as he realized just how lucky he was to still be alive and his eyes filled with tears once more.

Robbie “Not really, sometimes there is a twinge, but it’s kind of funny really, I mean strange I guess, but I thought it would ache more than it does.”

Josh “Didn’t it, shit, sorry, guess this is not what you wanted to talk about.”

Robbie “It’s okay, go ahead, what did you want to know?”

The fingers felt warm to his touch and yet he knew there was a chill still inside of Robbie. He couldn’t explain it, but that cold frightened him more than the idea of what Robbie’s wrists would look like. Strange how he was more afraid of what he felt than of what he could see and touch. Maybe Robbie still had those thoughts, but holding his hands, feeling the way one finger gently caressed his palm, he knew that Robbie loved him. Funny, how just a touch, a soft rub of the finger lightly over his own skin could make him feel so much, understand so much that before needed words.

Josh “Sure? I mean, I don’t know Robbie, this is so weird, I mean I never, fuck maybe we should just drop it.”

Robbie “No, let’s not. I used to feel that way too, and look where it got me? No, ask me what you want, please.”

Josh “Okay, uh, just that, well shit, didn’t it hurt when you, you know?”

Thinking back to when he had been in EMI and how everyone around would stare at everything but each other, he wondered if the shame of what each person had done would ever leave their thoughts? Could he ever look at Josh and not feel guilty for what he had put him through and now look at him, not only could he look at him, but he was still inflicting pain and sorrow on Josh and worse, on his whole family. Maybe he would have been better off dead but then as that thought was given voice inside he felt the pain deep inside of his body. It was the same pain he had felt just after he had made the first cut into his own flesh. He had never thought about that, but the pain had never been at his wrists, but had ached deeper, more away from his hands even and he wondered how that could be. But then as he looked at Josh’s hand’s holding his own, he knew the pain was his soul crying, that it was his will, his spirit even that was in pain and not his flesh.

Robbie “Sliced em? Yeah it did but it was so unreal man, I mean, it wasn’t as if, I don’t know, it was like. Well at first there was this sharp pain, right where I was doing it, but after maybe a second or so, it didn’t feel like there was any pain there. It was like it had reached deep inside and if anything the pain wasn’t in my wrists, but right inside my gut, I don’t know, I thought about that when I first woke up at EMI, how the pain really seemed to be elsewhere than where it should have been. Strange huh?”

Josh “Maybe, do you believe in God Robbie? I don’t mean the way all the preachers and stuff say, but do you believe in him?”

Robbie “Like your dad does? I think so, least Justin… shit, sorry.”

Robbie felt his body shake as he saw the sweet angelic face of his brother, and he felt the emptiness deep inside of his heart, wondering if that gaping hole could ever heal, if it would always be there to remind him of what he had lost and would always be without? He felt the tears once more, and it was strange how he had cried so much and still the tears came, but unlike any other time in his life, when the tears came he almost seemed to welcome them, no longer feeling they were a betrayal or a sign of his inner weakness but instead, in some strange way it was like they were part of his strength. His anger at crying had gone for now and he just sobbed as he felt Josh reach up with one hand to wipe away a tear or two and the love he felt only grew stronger inside, despite the pain and grief that ran rampant inside of his body.

Josh “Yeah, me too Robbie, I wish, I mean if we had come out sooner, maybe… fuck do you think it would have made a difference?”

Robbie “I don’t know Josh, I wish I had been there. Maybe I could have, but maybe that’s what your dad was trying to tell us when we got back here, that there are too many ‘what if’s’ out there, that if we go that route we’ll go, shit what’s that word, mashugga[1. Yiddish for crazy, mental]?”

Josh “Haha, yeah, crazy, you picking up the lingo pretty

good.”

Robbie “Kind of hard not to, your mom sure likes to use it a lot.”

Josh “Yeah, never really noticed it before, it’s sort of like our own private slang.”

Robbie “Yeah, I still can’t… fuck he was so young Josh, he really was a good kid, you would have liked him, now you… shit!”

The voice may have been soft and the words spoken haltingly but Josh could feel it as if they had been shouted into his ears. He didn’t know how he would react if it had been Joel who had died, but he doubted if he’d be as strong as Robbie was being. He doubted if he would ever have the courage that Robbie had, and yet as he held him in his arms, as he tried to ease the burden that his lover was carrying, he knew that somehow he would have to find the strength to help, that even Robbie didn’t have unlimited courage or strength, and he knew now what his father had meant when he had said a marriage was a partnership, a union of two so that both could face the world.

Josh “It’s okay Robbie, come on, hang in. We’ll get through this, I promise.”

His body shuddered a bit and he lifted his face upwards to look into Josh’s face and he saw the blue eyes, could even see how they were dull despite the sheen from Josh’s own tears; and yet there was something else there, something that reached out for him, made his heart quiver a little and he managed to somehow regain control over his racing thoughts. Robbie couldn’t understand how one minute he could see things, and then in a snap of a finger be a total wreck. It was like being on a roller coaster and yet far more serious, far more intense than any feeling you could experience on the most hair raising ride around.

He had caused so much pain to people whom he didn’t even know. The Rabbi and his wife had been super to him and now they would have to deal with people who would suddenly show up from nowhere, all because of him, because he had thought that death was more preferable to life and now people who were good people, who were decent and kind, would have to bear that along with himself. He didn’t know if he were strong enough, even under normal circumstances, but now, without Justin, how could he go on? How could he face what he knew was about to descend upon not just him, but Josh, Joel, Adele and the Rabbi?

Robbie “How? I mean you heard the way that jerk Askew talked? They are going to really rake your family over the coals on this, I can’t, I mean Josh…”

Josh “Yeah, well fuck Askew and CH News; and you know something, I don’t give a shit what they say about me; and you know something else, I don’t think mom or dad do either.”

Looking deep into those blue eyes he knew that Josh was speaking the truth and as he did, he felt a deep sense of sadness, wondering why his own family was so fucked up? Why couldn’t his own mother be like Adele, why did she not stand up for her boys like Adele did for Josh and Joel and even for him, not even a kid of hers and yet she had raced out to fight for him, to protect him from the reporter, and he knew his own mother wouldn’t have done that, wouldn’t have stood up for him or for Justin. Why? What was it about him and Justin or what was it that they had done that had turned her away from them? What?

Robbie “I know, they are so, I mean why are they doing this Josh? They don’t know me, hell your mom only met me a short time ago, yet she, I mean why?”

Josh “I guess its like my dad told me that first night. Family is family no matter what, and well, because I, shit, because I love you, well it makes you part of the family. I am sorry, its just that, fuck, you must think I am a real wimp.”

It was Robbie’s turn to reach out with his hand and to wipe away the falling drops that fell down Josh’s face. He could see the love in those eyes, see how it filled his body with love and passion and as the tears fell from the eyes, he knew it wasn’t a sign of weakness but of love, of fear too but not for the future really, fear for him, concern maybe and as he realized that he knew that he too was crying because the warmth inside was too much. It was like his soul was being swathed in a soft blanket, being held and caressed while being kept safe and he knew that that feeling was coming straight from Josh’s heart. It felt so wonderful that he, even in all his pain, all his sorrow, felt a stirring inside that told him he was in love, that the person his hand was touching was as much a part of him now as his own heart was a part of him. He knew that he no longer was alone, no longer lost in the maze of life alone, like a rat in some laboratory experiment.

Robbie “No, you are all man to me Josh, crying isn’t being weak, taken me a long time to realize that. Fuck, look at me? I can’t stop them either, so guess we’ll be wimps together huh?”

Josh “I guess, fuck at least we are together.”

Robbie “Thanks to you, and your family. God Josh, I don’t know what, fuck I am sorry, I just can’t, I mean…”

The two couldn’t hold back any longer and they wrapped their arms around each other, their heads resting on the other’s shoulder as the tears flowed unimpeded down both faces. Their bodies heaved and shook as their emotions took hold and all that had gone on finally sunk into their minds. It was a daunting experience to know that only a few short days ago Robbie was near death, that only a few short hours ago Justin had indeed died, and now Robbie’s grandfather had suffered a panic attack that could have led to worse, to even death. In some ways it seemed that death had become a part of their very existence and yet through it all there still beat a flicker of hope, a glimmer that life was still there waiting for them, if they just could push forward, if they could just get past all the obstacles that seemed arrayed against them.

Josh felt the beat of Robbie’s heart as it thundered next to his own pounding heart and he felt like both hearts would burst any second. His own fears were running wild and yet they didn’t seem to have the hold on him as he had expected. Sure things looked tough and he wondered if they would survive it and yet as he held onto Robbie, he could feel Robbie’s soul reaching for his own, feel the spirit of his will rising too almost as if it were no longer just his to command or even obey. Strange, how he no longer felt like he was just Joshua Goldberg, but that somehow part of him was also Robbie Fisher and he knew that it was how Robbie was feeling too. It only made the tears all that more real to him as he held on tightly, wishing that they could just run to some island where no one else was and just be themselves. Yet even as he thought it, he knew it wasn’t right, that running wouldn’t end any pain, any sorrow, and that as much as he wanted to just be with Robbie, he also needed to be with his family, with Joel and with mama and papa too.

Holding onto Josh he knew at last that there was hope for a future. He wasn’t sure what kind of a future it would be but as long as it was with Josh he knew it would be all that he needed. He knew now that he wasn’t alone, that he didn’t have to always be strong and bear his burden alone and as he thought about it, the image of his father’s face came to him and he felt Josh’s heart beat stronger and faster as the fear rose up inside of Robbie, and yet Josh held it at bay, just as the Rabbi had held his pain at bay only a few days earlier. He sighed and let the tears soak into Josh’s broad shoulder, knowing that his love was equalled by that of Josh’s passion and need for him too. It was all he could hope for as he wondered what tomorrow would bring, and how they would all deal with what tonight would surely begin.

Robbie’s arms grew tighter around Josh’s body and he felt the power of their love holding them close and Robbie closed his eyes, letting that love work its way further into his pain filled soul, letting it continue to swathe him in its tenderness and warmth and he moved his face slightly, his lips lightly brushing the nape of Josh’s neck. The touch of his lips on that warm flesh only made his body tingle, and he snuggled inwards, feeling Josh’s body doing the same as he felt an answering brush against his own cheek. Let tomorrow come he thought, because he wanted so much to see it arrive, to experience all that a new day could give him because he was with the one person he needed and cherished most, he was with his love.

Part 5

He lay on the bed looking up at the ceiling, wondering about all that had gone on today. He knew that there was going to be a whole public stink about Robbie and Josh which pissed him off but it also scared him too. Joel could just imagine what some of his so called friends on the team would say and worse, he didn’t really know how he would answer them. This whole gay thing, it was so hard to know who was right about it. Was it a choice or was it more than that, was it like Josh said, that it was simply who he was or was Josh kidding himself?

Joel knew that his brother wasn’t a liar, he also knew that Josh was the type that always thought things out, that he wasn’t the kind of guy who would just rush into something. It wasn’t him, and yet this whole thing with Robbie, it was as if Josh just leapt at it and maybe it was the sex stuff, maybe it was so good that he didn’t think about all the rest of it but then, he didn’t know Robbie back in Toronto, so it couldn’t really be Robbie’s fault that he was queer, so who’s fault was it?

Damn he felt like he was missing something, that somehow he should have seen his older brother turning queer and maybe he could have done something, maybe showed Josh that it was all a mistake? Joel shook his head a little and as he did he caught sight of the photograph on the dresser. It was the two of them and he knew that he was being selfish. Josh was gay because it was what he was, it wasn’t his fault or some guy’s fault that he was that way, it simply was part of who he was. Maybe if he could just understand what it was that made two guys want each other that way, maybe that would help but he had no idea how he could figure that out without actually doing it with a guy and no matter how much he wanted to understand it, there was no fucking way he’d go that far to figure it out.

Shit why the hell did all this have to happen now? Why couldn’t it have at least waited till after basketball was over, then it wouldn’t matter so much but again he started to feel a bit stupid at that kind of thinking. It wasn’t (anyone’s) fault that it happened now, it just had and he would have to make the best out of it, that was all there was to it. He stretched a bit, wondering if this was going to be like Toronto or would he be able to actually handle it this time around? Fuck, never mind him, how the hell was Robbie going to handle it all?

Joel looked back to the picture and wondered if Robbie had any pictures like that, where he and his brother Justin were together? Fuck how do you get over something like this? Just the idea that maybe Josh could die terrorized him and he doubted if he could ever get over something as painful as this and yet Robbie was holding up or so it seemed. Christ, if he tried to off himself again what would Josh do? His eyes were moist as his mind continued to toss in strange and bizarre thoughts, but he knew that it was all a part of being mixed up in all this shit. In some ways he was angry too, at both Josh and his parents, for putting him into the middle of all this crap and yet he knew in his heart that he was being unfair. His parents were doing what he knew they should, what he hoped they would do for him if the situation ever arose. So it wasn’t right to blame them or even be mad at them. Knowing that didn’t help though as he still felt angry, still felt sort of like he was being ignored.

The knock on his bedroom door startled him as he answered the knock, surprised to see his father standing there. He looked so much the same and yet at the hospital, it was like seeing someone he never knew before. The man who had taken on the reporter was in all outward appearances his father, but the way he stood, the way he talked, made him seem different, sort of like he was a likeness of his father but really someone else. Now here he was, looking no different really and yet he was different, and it made Joel feel a bit awkward, a bit nervous too.

Rabbi “So, you busy?”

Joel “No, just laying here, thinking.”

Rabbi “Nu? What are you thinking about?”

Joel “Things, you know.”

Rabbi “Yes, I do, oh boychik you are so much like your brother, it is scary at times.”

His eyes became frightened as he listened to his father and the pain around his chest began to throb as he wondered just what it meant? Was he really just like Josh but hadn’t gotten up the nerve to realize it or was he different but no one else realized it? Could his father see something in him that he himself didn’t? God what a mess this was, and yet he didn’t think he was that way, but how did he know for certain? How could he tell if he was or wasn’t?

Joel “Huh? What do you mean, Papa?”

The Rabbi saw how the eyes had flared wider and he saw the colour drain a little from around the cheeks and eyes and he knew in his heart that his youngest had fears and doubts too, just as perhaps he did. He hadn’t been there for Joshua, and he silently vowed that he would be here for Joel, despite all the madness that was swirling around them right now, he would be here.

Rabbi “You are a thinker and a worrier, just like your brother Joshua is.”

Joel “Well, I guess, but we are different too, Papa, I mean…”

Rabbi “Yes, I know, but still you worry that perhaps you aren’t so unalike, yes?”

He felt strange at how his father could just understand what he was feeling at times. It was like he could read his mind or something and yet, he knew he couldn’t do that. It was just uncanny how he knew what to say, and looking at him, he saw his father’s love reaching for him and he felt ashamed at thinking that no one had thought about him. He should have known that his father and mother thought not just about Josh but about him too.

Joel “Yes.”

Rabbi “So young, so much tsores for you, this thing earlier, it has you worried nu?”

Joel “Yes, I guess it does, but…”

Rabbi “What your brother and Robbie did, it took a lot of courage Joel.”

Joel “I know Papa, it is just that…”

Rabbi “That no one asked you, and yet here you are, having to deal with it perhaps as much as they will have to, yes?”

Joel “I guess so, I know what you and they did was right, it just doesn’t make it any easier I guess.”

Rabbi “Yes it is that, who knew about gay, about lifestyles and such? When your mama and I dated there was no such thing as just living together, or about even daring to think of such things. Now children your age need condoms. It is indeed a strange world my boy, but it is our world none the less, you understand?”

Joel “I think so.”

The Rabbi sat down on the foot of the bed and turned his body so he could look at Joel. He saw the young boy who had drawn his feet up to rest his hands on his knees. He saw the clear blue eyes staring at him, knowing that the boy expected him to have all the answers and yet he had none really. It was rather a daunting task to have to try to explain to your own child why he would have to suffer the abuse of his classmates, have to suffer the name calling and insults because so many didn’t simply understand that there were different people. He couldn’t explain it no matter how much he wished he could, people were just people and all he could do really was be here for his boys, to hold them when it became tough, to comfort them as best as he could. After all, that too was part of the job description for being a parent.

Rabbi “You know boychik, as much as your mama and I talk about the good old days, it wasn’t so good then. It is just that we were younger then, so nothing was ever so bad because we had our youth, just as you do now. You can’t let it be taken from you Joel, you can’t rush this growing up as much as maybe you want.”

Joel “Kind of hard to be just a kid, Papa, I mean you don’t know what it is going to be like now.”

Rabbi “You think not? You are wrong boychik, racism, prejudice, they are second nature to us Jews, even here in the land of plenty and so called freedom. We know it well, not as bad perhaps as in the old country, as your zaideh would say, but it is here. So yes Joel, I know how bad it is going to be for you.”

Joel “Then why? I mean…”

Rabbi “Then why did I stand up? Why did Joshua and Robbie stand up?”

Joel “Yes, why? I mean if you know how it is going to be, why do it; it won’t change anything, will it?”

Rabbi “Oi, my poor kinder, you fight the fights you can. Sometimes you walk away because there is no other choice, other times you stand and fight; even if nothing changes there sometimes is a time when you can do no less, but if you do nothing, then nothing is exactly what you get.”

Joel “Still if nothing comes from all this, why bother? What good will come out of all this?”

Rabbi “Who is to say what will spark a change? You think all the good that has come in the world came from some big shot making a decision, making a choice? Joel you know your history, you know that changes come from ordinary people taking a stand, from doing exactly what your brother and Robbie did today”

Joel “How? They are just two against so many, Papa; it isn’t like the world is going to change overnight, if ever.”

Rabbi