Chapter 23

Part 1

She heard the ball hitting the garage door and smiled a little as voices of three young boys lost in a game came through the open kitchen window. It was what she had wanted to hear, even if only for a few minutes because at least for those minutes they could all be children again, not young men forced to deal with a world gone mad. She shook her head as she heard Joel complaining about something, hearing Josh laugh a little short laugh, something she wished he would soon be able to do more of. Even the strange lilting voice of Robbie came to her and she smiled for a moment until the harsh ring of the phone intruded. Adele turned to stare at the shrill instrument cursing modern technology and for some reason her heart grew heavy again. Her ears picked up as she heard Abner talking, unable to distinguish the words but the heaviness grew inside of her as she waited, knowing once more that life was about to intrude. Her eyes glanced heavenwards, a look of ‘now what’ in them as she heard the slow heavy tread of her husband.

Just looking at him she knew it was not good news and she wiped her hands on the apron, pulling a little on it, silently asking her mother for the strength that she knew would soon be needed and one look at Abner’s face told her that it was not good.

Abner “Where are the boys?”

Adele “Out back, what is it? Who called?”

He couldn’t look at her face, she would know in an instant that it was bad news, but he also knew he couldn’t spare her the news either. This wasn’t right, wasn’t fair and for a moment he wished he wasn’t a Rabbi, wished that he could just be a simple man alone away from mankind so as to avoid all that man brought upon themselves. His heart ached for what his family was enduring and he wondered just how much more it could stand before it succumbed to the relentless beating of a cruel world.

Abner “It was that Pastor Johnson.”

Adele “Nu? What did he want now?”

Abner “Robbie’s grandfather, he collapsed Adele, he is calling for Robbie.”

She stared at Abner with her mouth open. Her hands were slowly wringing the apron up and she felt a stab of pain around her own heart as she took in the words. So simple and yet so devastating. Didn’t God know that they were already in enough pain? Didn’t HE know that enough was enough for one poor boy and all that loved and cared for him, how could HE do this? How could HE allow it?

“Adele “Oi gevald[1. term of extreme excitement, agitation meaning OH MY GOD], what is it with HIM? Doesn’t he know the poor boy has had enough?”

Abner “Adele, there is no time for this shtik[2. piece, routine drama], we need to tell Robbie and go to the hospital.”

The news was like a blow to her midsection as her eyes strayed to the back door and to the sounds of her boys as they tried to forget about the world around them. The anger in her soul grew as her husband tried to coddle her and she was in no mood for it, not now, not with all that had gone on in less than a week. No, she would not be quiet now as she turned to her husband, her eyes burning with the anger only a mother could have.

Adele “Shtik? Tell me Abner, what is it about HIM? Why does he do this? Tell me so I can explain to our kinder, to that poor child out there who just lost his brother, tell me Abner, why does HE do this?”

Abner “I can’t, and I don’t know if it is GOD who is doing this, there isn’t an answer momma, I wish there was.”

Adele “If HE wasn’t a HE maybe then it would make sense, all this tsores, it isn’t right Abner, that boy has suffered enough already, why can’t HE see that? What is it that has him so busy he can’t come and help a poor innocent like Robbie? Why?”

Abner “Are you so sure HE is a HE? I don’t know Adele, all I know is that I have to go and tell him that while the world seems against him, that life is meshugeh and full of tsores that it is life, and out of our hands, what else can I say?”

Adele “IF HE were a SHE you know this would never happen, no MOTHER would inflict this tsores on their kinder, you know that but you men, even HE is the same, so unwilling to step in, so afraid it will damage your shtoltz[3. pride, unreasonable and stubborn pride], such nonsense, you MEN are all alike, so…”

He sighed deeply, knowing in his heart that she really didn’t mean it the way she said it, that she was simply being overwhelmed by all the pain and sorrow that was striking at her family and like any good mother, she was lashing out at all who dared to calm her, to reason away the grief but he felt the same anger inside, the same sense of frustration as he tried to let her get it out of her system, knowing that her calm and love would be needed more than ever.

Abner “God is who HE is, what else can we do but shrug our shoulders, hold our children tight and get on with living?”

Adele “I tell you that there are times I wish I could just reach out and strangle HIM, shake HIM so he would see what it is HE is doing to us all.”

He was shocked at her anger, unsure for a moment if she meant what she said but looking deeply into her eyes he knew there was no mistake, if God was to appear this second before her she would indeed do what she said. Women, he just didn’t understand them at times but then he too wondered if he would be so passive if God did indeed appear in front of him? He wouldn’t dare reach out as she said she would, but would he have the courage that Job had and question the Almighty as to his actions? Could he dare bring himself to question what right God had to inflict such pain on one of his children? He doubted if he would but looking at his wife, he knew she would indeed have that courage, for there was nothing more strengthening or more frightening than a mother angered or feeling that her children were threatened.

Abner “To GOD? You would grab HIM and shake HIM?”

Adele “YES, why not? Am I not entitled to my thoughts? Am I not a mother? No mother could do less, no real mother that is.”

Abner “I suppose so, and you think I too wouldn’t like to know the answers? Do you not think that as a father I don’t hurt when our boys hurt? But to threaten HIM? How does that make you any different than all the mamzers[4. Bastards, disliked people] out there who persecute others in HIS name? How does it make you more than all those who call mere boys like Robbie filthy names in HIS name? No mama, you are wrong, it is not HIM that does this, but it is us, his children who do this, and if he is any kind of father then he must be shedding a lot of tears these days, for no father, not even HIM is immune from all this pain. Now please mama, I must go tell Robbie, we may not have a lot of time, please.”

She looked at her husband, saw the glint in his own eyes as his anger too had risen up and she felt the love rising up inside of her for him once more. He was indeed a true man, a real mentsh that anyone would be proud to call husband, father, or Rabbi. She felt a little ashamed at her outburst, knowing too just how much Abner really loved GOD, and she did too, it was just that, well sometimes in her ignorance she just didn’t understand HIM. There was so much bad, so much tsores, and it was beyond her maybe to understand why HE didn’t do more to stop it, to let HIS children have some happiness, some measure of joy.

Adele “No, no papa, let me go, this is a mother’s job, you go get the car, I will tell him.”

He knew that she was right, that it was indeed better if she talked to Robbie and he also knew that it would be best for his other boys too. Just as he knew that one day, may it be not for many years yet, that when Adele and God finally did meet face to face, that it would be one very interesting meeting. His heart was heavy with its burden but staring at her face, he knew that he would manage, just as she too would manage and between the two of them, they would see that the boys managed too. It was all he could really ask, wasn’t it?

Abner “Are you sure?”

Adele “Yes Abner, I am sure, Abner?”

Abner “Yes?”

Adele “You are a good man, Abner Goldberg; I thank HIM for giving you to me, if that helps.”

Abner “My shaineh maidel[5. sweet girl, term of endearment], of course it helps, and I thank HIM too for you. I just wish he had given you a bit more control over that temper, yes?”

Adele “Yes, perhaps, but then I wouldn’t be who I am, would I?”

Abner “No, and I love all of you, even the part of you with the big pisk.[6. big mouth] I’ll get the car, we should hurry, Pastor Johnson didn’t sound too hopeful.”

Adele “Pastor Johnson is a worrier, but these things, they take time papa, but I will be quick, now go, we’ll be ready when you are.”

She watched her husband turn and leave the kitchen; his feet slow to move as the pain in his heart weighed them down. Such a good man she had married and she knew that he was right too, it wasn’t GOD who did all this, but surely HE who had so much power, HE who could give life and take life could, at least once in awhile, change HIS mind? Couldn’t he?

Adele put the apron over the kitchen chair, her hand running along it for a moment, feeling the love that still glowed from it, still touched her heart and she looked at it, asking her mother to see what she could do, to see if perhaps she could reach HIM and change HIS mind, to let the poor boy at least not suffer any more from death’s cold hand. He was so young and fragile, he needed all their help so she glanced upwards, once more talking to her mother and as she did she could feel the warmth seeping into her hand from the apron. Her eyes filled with tears as she prayed, and ran the hand along the back of the chair that held the apron. The same chair that Robbie had sat in just a short time earlier, eating her latkes and roast chicken. It wasn’t fair but she sighed deeply and stood upright, heading for the back door. Being a mother was not an easy job at times but then life was never easy either and she opened the back door, hearing the voices that sounded at ease, knowing that as soon as she stepped around the corner it would all stop and the world would once more intrude on her kinder.

Part 2

Robbie stretched upwards, his hands outstretched and arced as he shot the ball forwards, watching it arc and come sailing down towards the net, his face watching but his insides knowing that it would once more sail easily through the nylon netting of the hoop. It was amazing he could still shoot and the pain in his wrists had subsided for now, as all he could think of was making the shot, getting it in the bucket and as his feet landed firmly onto the concrete of the driveway, he was once more transported back to that time last March, that time when he was the one everyone looked to, the time when people would stand in awe of him and his skills. It was a time when even Justin had to admit that he was somebody but all that was then, not now but for that moment, that second when the ball left his fingers, he was there again, back in time.

Joel couldn’t believe how easy Robbie made it all look and yet he knew it wasn’t easy at all. He stared as he watched him shoot basket after basket, never missing once as all he ever got was pure net, and yet each time he would look away, stare at Josh he felt a strangeness in his chest. There was no mistaking that gleam in Josh’s eyes and he kept going back from Josh to Robbie and he couldn’t really understand it. He was seeing the same thing as Josh but he knew Josh was seeing so much more. It was like the baskets meant nothing to Josh, that what mattered, was the expression of happiness that each basket brought to Robbie’s face. Strange how Josh looked, almost like a proud parent or something but different than that, and he wondered if he too would ever turn someone’s head that way, would he too be the centre of someone’s life as obviously Robbie was to Josh?

He couldn’t get over the expressions that flashed across Robbie’s face either and in some ways he was feeling jealous too. Robbie and Josh seemed to be able to sort of just talk to each other without even uttering a word, and he could tell that there was a desire in both of them for the other, something that puzzled him and yet in a weird way made him feel good too. All this ‘gay’ stuff was something out of television really or so he had thought but then as he watched how his own parents acted with each other and compared it with how Robbie and Josh acted, he really didn’t see much difference. Sure his parents were older and you just never thought about them wanting each other in quite that way but if you looked, well you saw that same sort of hunger that he could see in Robbie’s face or even in Josh’s.

Joel shook his head and watched as Robbie lobbed another perfect toss at the net and he was envious, wishing he too could have such effortless control but he didn’t. Maybe he could pick up some pointers and was thinking about asking when he noticed his mother coming from the back and his heart started to thump loudly in his chest. He didn’t know why but he knew that it wasn’t good news and he stared at her, fear etched across his whole face and he knew that Josh had picked up on it.

It was almost like a tonic or something, the way Robbie’s whole face would light up as he tossed ball after ball towards the hoop. In some ways it was like he was reliving some sort of past glory or something but Josh didn’t care, all he cared about was that Robbie seemed so alive now, so much like the guy he had fallen head over heels for. The way his shirt would rise up and expose that washboard stomach, the muscles rippling as his hands stretched out to toss the ball towards that stationary net. It was almost too much for him as he yearned deeply for Robbie’s touch, for the smell of his body mingling with his own body, and yet there was something holding him back, stopping him from just going out to the middle of their driveway and grabbing Robbie around the waist and kissing him. He really did want to do it, but his eyes kept traveling back to his younger brother sitting across and maybe that was it.

Maybe it was that Joel was there that was stopping him but as he stared at his younger brother, watched how his eyes would follow every motion that Robbie made, he felt a sort of pride too. Pride that Robbie could hold anyone’s attention, even a straight young 16-year-old male like Joel, but he knew it was how Robbie scored baskets that had Joel’s attention, while to him it was how hot Robbie looked stretching up and out. God what a crazy world it was indeed. Here he was lusting for his lover when he should be worrying instead of how he was going to get through the next few days. Was sex really that much a part of their relationship or was it just an extension, a sort of physical way that they could show their love to each other?

Whatever it was, he could feel the ache between his legs and he shifted how he was sitting, to help ease the pain that his hard cock was giving him. He didn’t think he’d ever get hard again after finding Robbie that night, but here it was, solid like a damn rock and twice in one day and not a blasted thing he could do about it either. For a moment he had thought that earlier they just might but then Joel’s appearance had kind of squashed that thought. Besides, he didn’t really think Robbie was up for it, least not then but he seemed to be getting more relaxed with each passing second. Lunch had certainly helped and doing the dishes after had cemented that feeling too and he smiled, knowing that was exactly how his mother had planned it. God, she was sure something else and he wished he had realized just how amazing both of his parents were a lot sooner than now, but at least he had found out, before it was too late.

It really was something to watch Robbie move around with the ball in his hands. He was like poetry really, so smooth the way he just glided from some imaginary defender and then his jump, reaching up and over, the ball always leaving at just that right moment, always heading straight for the basket, as if a homing pigeon. His heart grew lighter as he studied the figure that moved back and forth along the hard cement, seeing the way his head kept moving but the dark eyes always focused on the basket, always keeping it in sight. It was a lesson in focus and he knew that Robbie was off somewhere, a place that only he could be and yet he didn’t mind, it was almost as if he knew that one day he too would be allowed into that special place, that one day he too would be there in Robbie’s eyes as he leaned one way but then moved opposite, the ball suddenly flying upwards towards its target. He just knew it would happen and deep inside he felt this strange giddiness, and impatience too because he wanted to be there now, to be standing in that spot with Robbie this second, this moment and a small tear escaped his eye.

Josh knew that he had spoken the truth when he told Robbie he didn’t care what the reasons were, that all he cared about was that they were together again but watching him, staring at his every move he knew that he did want to be a part of all that was Robbie Fisher. He didn’t want there to be any secrets between them and while he wanted to share it all, he also knew he would have to wait for when Robbie would be willing. Whatever the reasons had been, whatever the supposed transgressions had been, Josh knew that he would always love Robbie, that it might shock or even upset him but it wouldn’t change the love he felt for Robbie. Nothing could alter that feeling and he prayed a little, hoping that Justin was at least safe with God and that his life with Robbie would never know any more grief but he knew it was an empty wish. Life just didn’t work out that way and as he thought about that he caught the look on Joel’s face.

In a flash his whole body grew rigid as he saw the abject terror in Joel’s eyes. His eyes had bulged outwards and he could see the beginning of beads of sweat popping up on Joel’s forehead as he stared past Josh’s body towards the house. Quickly he turned and his heart sank as he saw his mother coming towards them all. Her step looked so heavy, as if she were carrying an enormous burden and his own heart now quickened its beat, fear taking hold as she came to them down the back garden path. Her face was troubled and Josh could feel the pain she carried with her and his head turned to stare first at Joel’s face, a small smile crossing his lips as if that would calm his brother but he knew it wouldn’t and then his eyes travelled back to Robbie who stood still under the basket. The ball in one hand, just resting there as his chest heaved from the exertion it had just been put through and perhaps from something else too. His eyes had grown dark again, the spark that had made Josh’s heart turn flip-flops was gone, replaced by that haunting look again and he knew that Robbie felt the fear too.

Josh stood up quickly as his mother came to them all and even Robbie moved forward a little, feeling the need to suddenly run but staying where he was, fear tearing at his heart as he knew, by Josh’s stance, that there was something wrong. He couldn’t explain it as the image of a boy on a racing unicorn came past his eyes and he blinked, feeling a little unsteady. There had been so much that he was feeling lost, feeling like everything was slipping away from him as he stood there, his hand twitching at his side as Joel walked up to stand beside him. He turned to stare down at Josh’s younger brother and he could almost smell the boy’s fear as he watched his mother come down to them. Out of instinct, he let his hand move and his fingers touched Joel’s hand and he saw the boy turn and look up at him.

For a second Robbie felt a strange pang in his heart as he saw Justin but then it was gone and he let his fingers wrap loosely around Joel’s own fingers. For a minute he thought he had made a mistake until he felt the hand grasp his, the young boy’s fingers clutching tightly around his own shaking hand and together they just looked at each other, then both turned their attention towards Adele.

Josh “Mama, what is it? You look, I mean…”

Adele “I am okay Joshua, I need to talk to you boys. Please, sit, we don’t have much time, your papa is getting the car out, maybe Joel you should go help him?”

Joel “No mama, I want to stay, please?”

A small smile crossed her face at the defiance he showed. It was no different than how Joshua would act when he had been younger and now her Joel too. Well they had raised them to be independent, to be true to their feelings, so she shouldn’t be shocked by it and in fact she wasn’t, and even though this was not easy for her she still could feel pride in her boys.

Adele “My little mentsh[7. young man, gentleman], how grown up you are, well, so be it.”

He didn’t know why, but he felt like he just wanted to fall into her arms and let her hold him but he couldn’t quite get used to that concept. It had been different earlier this morning, and as he thought about then, he felt the panic ripping into him. What new pain was about to be shared with him that would bring her out to him? He couldn’t think and his heart trembled as he tried to find out, desperation taking hold as he felt the fear clawing at what remained of his shattered and battered heart.

Robbie “Mrs Gold…”

Adele “Sha[8. be quiet, gentle admonishment] Robbie, none of that please, we are all meshpucha[9. family, extended family] here, farshtaist? Ach, sorry, I forget, we are all family here, you understand?”

Robbie “I think so, it is…”

There really was no easy way for her to say it, she knew that and silently she cursed her stupidity at not knowing the right words but then she knew there never really were any ‘right words,’ not for this. Adele felt the pain of her task as she looked at Robbie, seeing how young and frightened he was and she tilted her head a little, her small frame standing solidly as she tried to brace him, tried to pass on her some of her inner strength and as she began to speak, a small prayer begging for strength passed her lips.

Adele “Good, your grandfather Robbie, he didn’t take the news about Justin well, he…”

Robbie “Grandpa Tom? Is he okay? Josh….”

There was real terror in his face as he turned away from Adele and looked at Josh. He dropped the ball he held in one hand, the noise echoing in the afternoons calm and his other hand dropped to his side, even though Joel tried to hold onto it tightly. It was too much for him as panic tore hard into his young body but just as he thought he would fall, he felt Josh’s body leaning next to his and his eyes turned from her face to Josh’s and suddenly he was able to catch his breath.

For a moment he thought he would fall to the ground as the fear rose up inside of him. Every part of his body felt weak and his legs grew to feel like rubber, unable to support him and he cried out softly, terror in his face as he looked from her to Josh unsure what was happening to him or even why it was happening. First Justin and now Grandpa Tom, it was too much as he struggled to find the strength to face this latest tragedy.

Just as suddenly as he had felt like falling, he felt himself being supported upright. His body no longer feeling like a quivering mass of Jell-O, the downward spiral and weakness in his legs were still there but he could feel a strange new strength holding him up. His eyes swivelled from right to left as he tried to figure it all out. His soul was shaking with fear, trembling to the growing fact that all those he loved were slowly dying, slowly being ripped away from him and as the fear took hold, something else began to reach for him. His eyes bulged a little as he felt the touch of a hand on his face and stared into the warm moist eyes of Adele.

With that touch he suddenly felt no more fear, even though he knew it was there, still waiting for him it was stilled for the moment. His eyes filled with tears that she wiped away and as she did he was finally able to feel the warm love of his lover reaching for him and he turned his head as he felt Josh’s love reaching for his soul. His body shook a little as he felt Josh holding tightly onto his soul, caressing it gently with his own warmth, with his love and he relaxed, knowing that whatever else was to happen, at least he wouldn’t need to face it alone.

Adele “Hush, he is okay, we don’t know yet what it is, may be nothing, may be something serious, so…”

Robbie “He’s not dead is he? Please dear sweet Jesus, he isn’t is he?”

She couldn’t explain it really, but somehow she knew that the old man would be okay after all, he was from her generation more or less and anyone who could reach out and want to help Robbie, well he had to be alright, not even HE would dare take him just yet, not at least without letting the two meet to talk, to put each other’s hearts at ease, now would HE?

Adele “No, no he isn’t but he is asking for you, so we are all going to the hospital, okay?”

Robbie “Yes, but, I mean, he is okay isn’t he?”

Adele “I won’t lie to you kinder, it sounds serious, but you know doctors, it is all a big mystery to them, yes? Now you hold onto good thoughts, you can’t let your fear take hold or it will tear into you, understand?”

Robbie “He is so old, this can’t be good if he’s in the hospital, he really is asking for me?”

Adele “Yes, listen to me Robbie, us old people, we may look feeble, even walk slow at times, but we have a lot more strength inside than what you young people think we have. Your grandfather is a strong man, trust in that, and we shall see what we shall see, yes?”

Robbie “If you say so…”

Adele “I do, now come, we must go, okay?”

She put her hand gently on his cheek, staring into the very depths of his soul. Adele could feel Robbie’s fear, feel it rising up inside of him and she looked at it, her own heart beating loudly inside of her chest as she stared at the fear itself. The cold was reaching for her but its icy fingers couldn’t find any way to touch her, her own heart was strong as she stared it down, forced it back to its depths deep inside of the trembling young man and as she touched him, she felt the warmth of her own heart slowly chasing away the cold in the boy’s body. Her Joshua was next to him now and he reached around, his strong arm around the shaking waist of the young boy, and she knew that for now he would be okay.

Adele reached out and took her youngest boy’s hand and turned to walk down the driveway towards the waiting car and a trip to the hospital that held her mind now. How much more could they all endure? Wasn’t it enough that one so young as Justin had to be taken, did YOU need the zaideh too’ echoed from her soul upwards. Her eyes stared and flashed with anger as she looked up to the sky, wondering what it was that made her so stubborn, so stiff necked as they headed to the car.

Robbie leaned against Josh’s body as they followed Joel and Josh’s mom up the driveway towards the street. The basketball forgotten and lying on the grass, just another forgotten toy perhaps, but as he walked forward he didn’t feel quite so alone. The warmth of his lover next to him made him ache a little, made him feel and that at least was something. There may not be much left of his heart to rip or shred, but at least he could still feel and so that had to be at least part of a victory. For how much longer he could expect his heart to hold out he didn’t know and as he thought about it, he felt Josh pull him in closer and somehow he just knew that he would continue to feel, continue to struggle forwards for as long as he could breath, and maybe a step or two beyond, as long as Josh was there with him.

Whatever else the world held for him, whatever his father may think of him now or in the past, didn’t really matter because as he told him, he was who he was and that was someone who was loved by not just one, but by several people who up until a short time ago, he didn’t even know, so his father was wrong. People could love him, could care for him, even knowing that he was who he was. There was hope, and as long as there was that then he owed it to them and to himself to keep going, and maybe that was all he could do, just keep going and he let his hand seek Josh’s hand and he held it tightly as they walked to the car. His head was no longer bowed down or let to rest on his chest. Robbie held himself erect, his head high as he came to the Rabbi’s car and as he turned to get into the back seat, he looked into Josh’s face and with a weak smile, he leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips. It wasn’t much of a kiss but the fires inside of his body leapt forward, once more he felt the fires of his passion and not just for Josh, but for life itself and so his spirits rose upwards, feeling the fresh breath of life on its face once more.

Adele saw the little peck on the lips and her heart grew soft and beat steady in her chest. Her hand reached out and gave a gentle squeeze to Abner’s knee and he turned to see her face smiling at him. He didn’t know what had happened but the sight of her smile was all he needed to feel like a young boy again. His own body reacted to her touch and he smiled, feeling so much love that he almost forgot that they weren’t alone in the car. Whatever else one could say about being old, they were dead wrong about love withering on the vine, because he knew that his wife was as young and vibrant now as she had been so many years ago. His eyes sparkled with a renewed zest for life as he thanked GOD for giving him Adele and as the rear doors closed, he put the car into gear, his heart easier than it had been all day.