Chapter 22

Part 1

He stared at the opened book in his hands, wondering what it was that was driving him this way? It wasn’t like he even knew the young boy or even any of his family, other than Robbie whom he had only met for a few hours. It didn’t make any sense to him why his heart would feel so torn, so absolutely in agony over the loss of a child he didn’t even know. Sure, you felt sad when you read the paper or saw the news about some poor young child who had been killed, you may even become angry at it because the death was senseless, but this was different, different because he felt like it was one of his own boys.

Nothing really had made much sense to him since waking up to the call from Joshua only a few days earlier. It seemed like it had to be months ago that it had happened but in reality not even a week had passed and in that time he had found himself changed, in a way that scared him. This strange new feeling that had come over him, almost as if he had been invaded by another soul or person because the words, the actions, they weren’t him or at least not the him that he was familiar with.

Sitting there, in his chair, he had recited words that he had known by heart for decades, each word bringing to him memories of past times when he had to say them, bringing with them their own unique images and yet as he recited them silently to himself, he kept seeing in the background his wife’s face or his boys and even the soft dissolute face of young Robbie when he first saw him. It all made him feel like he was being led somewhere, as if there were something reaching for him, trying to guide his steps but before it could do that, it needed to show him what it was, and he felt strangely moved by it all. Was he having what the goy’s called a ‘vision’ or was it just that he was tired and feeling the strain?

His mind kept telling him that he was tired, that he was pushing too much yet deep down in his inner being, in that part of each man where he struggled with reality and with belief, he kept hearing the words that God was never far, that HE was in constant vision of HIS children and it made him scared. Yes he believed in GOD but a lot of what he had read, a lot of the stories of GOD talking to common people were just that to him, stories and yet, part of him wondered if maybe there was more to the stories than he gave them credit for? Could it have happened or was it just a nice way of explaining unusual occurrences? Was GOD being given credit for simply man rising to an occasion or failing to rise, as the case may be? Was it all part of a divine plan or was there even such a plan?

Life was such a mystery to him and yet he was supposed to be the one with the answers, after all he was a father, a husband, and the Rabbi, and yet this whole situation, all of it seemed to only show how little he really did know. Strange how a death could make a person question all that he held true, held dear to himself, and yet as he sat there, the open prayer book in his lap, he knew that death was only an ending of one part of the journey that man took. He couldn’t explain it any better than anyone else, it was simply a matter of faith and as he thought about that, he could hear his wife in the kitchen, bustling around cooking, something she always did when nervous or unsure of something and he smiled a little at that. She was some woman that wife of his, and he leaned back further into the soft leather chair, his head resting deeply into the cushioned back and he stared at the wall.

Looking at the old black and white photographs of his own father and mother and those of his wife’s, he wondered about what they would have said or done had one of their children come to them with this? Would they have been shocked, or would they have done what he and Adele were doing? Who knew back then about ‘gay’ or ‘same sex marriages’ and all that it involved, but then there were rumours about Uncle Morris; but it was rumour and not to be taken seriously, yet he did die a bachelor, 87 years and not one romantic tryst that he had ever heard of, so maybe they did know about it then? Maybe they knew and they just didn’t say it the way it was said today, but he knew that Uncle Morris was never shunned, was always at the family gatherings and Friday night dinners, so maybe even back then they knew, so if they did, why didn’t he? Why had he been such a schlemiel[1. jerk, complete idiot, moron] when Joshua had told them?

The knock on his study door startled him a bit as he turned his head towards it, watched as it slowly opened and the young sweet innocent face of his youngest peered inside. He looked so young but he was 16, a grown teenager thrust into a real mess and all because he, the father, had failed to prepare him properly. He knew that Joel had felt Joshua’s admission of being a faigelah[2. homosexual, Yiddish slang for faggot, queer] deeply and he had done nothing to help. Well, it was time, as he smiled at the young face that stood in the doorway.

Joel “Mama says to tell you its time to come and eat.”

Abner “Ah, your mama is always trying to fatten us up; so boychik, come in, come, sit here next to me.”

Joel “Okay, but mama said to hurry.”

Abner “It’ll keep, first we need to talk a little, yes?”

Joel “I am okay papa, you don’t have to worry about me, you have enough to worry about.”

Abner “No my kinder, there is always room for you and mama both, as well as Joshua, and now Robbie. You will understand when you have your own family, there is always room for them all, yes?”

Joel “I suppose.”

Abner “But you aren’t sure, you wonder about all this ‘gay’ stuff, yes? Perhaps you wonder if you might be?”

Strange, he knew that his father would ask him that, and he did wonder about it, but how do you sit with your father and discuss those kinds of thoughts? Hell, it was hard enough to just tell them you were going out on a date with a girl, never mind tell them you thought about having sex with a guy. This was just too weird for him and what bothered him was that he just didn’t know how to answer himself, never mind his father.

Joel “No, well, papa please, I don’t know what to think. It is all, well it is kind of strange.”

The look of confusion and reluctance on his son’s face made his heart ache. How could he not have realized all this long before, when Joshua had told him? Could he not have seen how it would affect Joel too, or was he so self-absorbed that he had almost forgotten the cardinal rule of being a parent – that you lived to protect and help your children? Could he have been so blind with fear that he missed all this? If so, then he did indeed have much to atone for but for now, he knew he had to make amends, had to reach Joel so that he would know that he was not alone, no matter what he was or thought he was. It was what he should have done with Joshua, and thank GOD that it wasn’t too late for him to correct that as well.

Abner “Yes, but you wonder, you wonder that if your older brother is, maybe you are, and you wonder if you are, will I be as I was with Joshua, yes?”

Joel “Well, sort of, but you aren’t that way now… and well, I don’t know papa, he seems so happy with Robbie, it is all so, so…”

That look of confusion, why hadn’t he seen it so much sooner, when events hadn’t made it so urgent that Joel now understand? Abner could feel the pressure and his eyes grew a bit cloudy as he felt the strain of the last few days, wondering in one part of his brain if they could really survive this tumult or would events overwhelm them all? He knew he had to do what he was doing, there was no real choice other than to bury his head in the sand and he lifted his head up straight, knowing that his head had been in the sand too long as it was. No, this time he would be the man his wife had expected, the man that his children deserved, the man that GOD had made him.

Abner “Farmisht[3. confused, bewildered]? Yes it is confusing, I don’t understand it either; but Joel, I behaved badly when your brother told me he was, that he was that way, because I suppose I just didn’t understand it. I still don’t, but Joel, he is my son, as you are, nothing can change that, you understand? Farshtaist[4. ‘do you understand’]?”

Joel “I think so papa, it is just weird, I mean talking to you about it, and well, all that is happening, is there going to be trouble over all this?”

Abner “Trouble? Most likely my boy, most likely, but we are all a family, yes?”

Joel “Yes, papa.”

Abner “Good, because a family is important. I know you and Joshua, you had your differences on this, but he is your brother, as you are my son and he is my son, so now, we put all that aside, yes? We must for now, because I think we are all going to need each other to get through this, but Joel…”

Joel “Yes, papa?”

Abner “Never doubt that I or your mama are too busy to talk with you. We love you, we are never too busy, you have made us very proud already boychik, very proud, yes?”

He looked over at his father and all he could see was a short balding man who loved him. Strange, he had always taken it for granted but his father was right, he had wondered how he would react if Joel had come out to him too, if he were that way. In some ways it made it seem easier to try and figure out knowing that if he were the same as Josh, at least he wouldn’t be disowned. He still knew he liked girls, but staring at how Josh and Robbie looked downstairs had made him envious. But was it because Josh was with a guy, or was it that he was with someone who loved him in a very special way that he just hadn’t experienced yet?

Joel “Yes papa, I understand, I won’t forget, uh, mama is calling.”

Abner “So I hear, I think sometimes your mother works for the clothing stores, always feeding us so we need new clothes that fit, come kinder, we better go.”

Abner rose up from his chair and stared into the blue eyes of his youngest son, seeing the love that the boy had for him as well as seeing the confusion that still rested deep inside. There wasn’t much he could do about how the boy felt, if he were as his brother, well so be it, but it was something that he could only stand by to see how it turned out. Only Joel and perhaps Joshua or Robbie would help him find his way; but whatever it was to be, he knew he would at least not be a schlemiel a second time around. Looking at Joel and how handsome he looked, he felt a pang in his heart, wondering if he would ever know the naches[5. pride, joy] of being a zaideh[6. grandfather]?

Part 2

She had heard Joel come upstairs and knock lightly on the study door. A small smile crossed her face, wondering briefly it was fair of her to have pushed Joel to go and get Joshua and his neshomeleh[7. sweetheart, soul mate] but she knew that he would have to face it eventually, better he did it now in the calm before the storm than during the storm. Listening to the two quietly talking in the study, she knew that a storm was indeed coming. For a time she felt frightened, afraid of what it might mean to her and Abner but then she had never been more proud of her man than during these last few days.

He had certainly shown her what it was that had attracted her in the first place so many years ago. She had always known him as being the strong silent type, but watching how he moved now, how he simply did what he knew he must was like seeing him as he was then. The way he had simply pushed aside all obstacles and all because he had wanted to marry her. No, this was the Abner she had fallen in love with and heaven help those now who stood in his path. Once more he had been aroused and she could see the fires burning deep in his soul as he had looked at Joshua this morning, and even now she felt the pride welling up inside of her.

There were no illusions that things would be rough for them all. Just the way that poor boy’s father had acted at the hospital was enough for her to know that it would be a tough time for her Joshua, as well as Robbie. He had looked so lost this morning, so frightened even of just being in their midst and yet when he cried on her shoulder, how could someone not love him? He was just a boy, how could his own mother not want to hold him in this, his time of need? It amazed her how callous people had become, did they really forget what cruel people mankind was? Did they forget so easily how entire nations had risen up to kill people simply because they were different?

She looked upwards, wringing her hands on the apron that was frayed at the edges, the colour fading from so many washings but she’d never stop using it, even if it became nothing more than pieces held together by thin threads. It had been her own mother’s and she knew how hard it had been for her to make it, how her hands had been so riddled with pain and how each pull on the needle had brought unbelievable pain to her, yet still she refused to let anyone help, this was for her Adele, and just as she had stitched the fine linen tablecloth, just as she had done the blanket that still adorned her and Abner’s bed, it was something that she could touch and still feel the love that existed between them. Even now, years after her death, it was still real, and as her fingers touched the fine needlepoint she smiled, knowing that she had one supporter up there, most likely giving HIM a good piece of motherly advice too, and perhaps HE needed that at times?

Many would think her meshugeh for thinking about GOD like she did, even Abner had looked at her strangely a few times but then that was when he was younger and more in awe of HIM than now. Now, well now he seemed to just smile as she would get on one of her tears, talking skywards as if HE really were listening; but if he wasn’t, then what would be the use of even living? No, HE was still there, still listening to the millions of HIS children, still trying to be the father that they all hoped he would be.

Poor Robbie, thinking of father’s and then remembering that man’s face as he had stormed out, yelling at that poor mouse of a woman who had to be the wife, it was no wonder that the poor boy had gone nuts and tried to kill himself. At least her Joshua had found him in time, if only he and Joel had found Justin in time too, oiy such craziness she thought as the sounds of steps on the basement stairs came to her and she turned to see her husband smiling at her, his arm around their youngest and she knew that they would be all right, for they had something their enemies didn’t, they had love.

Adele “Nu? My food is getting cold, about time you showed up, now go wash, time to eat.”

Abner “We have washed up, so enough of the kibitzing[8. talking, gossiping], let’s see what grand feast you have prepared?”

Adele “Feast? You want a feast you go to a restaurant; here you get what is in the fridge, but it should satisfy even you, just don’t be a chazzer[9. greedy, pig,]”

Josh and Robbie came in behind Abner and Joel and Adele quickly noticed how nervous the poor boy looked and she immediately wiped her hands and pushed past her husband and youngest to reach for her new son-in-law, or whatever it was you called the male partner of another male. Such changes in the world and yet not really as she remembered Abner’s strange Uncle Morris. He was such a dear and could he cook, almost as good as any of the women folk and she knew the gossip, but now, well now perhaps it all made sense. Either way, the poor boy needed some good home cooking as she reached and took them both by the hand, leading them to the table, as if they were royalty come to visit.

Abner laughed a little as he saw Joshua’s face go slightly crimson as his mother patted them both on their faces, looking hard into both of their faces, and smiling as only she could. It was as if she knew what to do without the need for words and he stood back, letting her lead them to the table, which did look like it was set up for a feast. Something about Jewish mother’s, they always thrust the food on you when times are rough, as if the smells and tastes would ease the pain in your soul; and maybe it did, at least it took your mind off one’s tsores[10. troubles, grief].

Adele “Come, sit, you two need some food, nu? Abner, Joel you two need invitations or what? Sit already, eat.”

It had been a long time since he had sat down to a meal with them all, and yet as he surveyed the spread on the table, he didn’t feel all that hungry. In some ways it was funny how he had known that the table would be stacked full of different foods. His heart felt a little easier as he noticed his mother’s eyes resting on his face, and he smiled at her, proud of how she had acted with Robbie, knowing too that she had a thousand questions waiting to be asked.

Joshua “I am not that hungry, mama.”

Adele “What? You like being skin and bones? Robbie, you like my Joshua so skinny? Tell him, tell him he needs to add some weight, yes?”

It was like being in the middle of one of his dreams, the kind he used to have a long time ago when he was just a little kid, and he knew that Justin used to have them too. Dreams where they would all sit down to meals and laugh and joke, no tension, no hidden undercurrents to ruin the taste of the food or to hinder the laughter even. But those were just dreams, life was never like that and yet here he was, feeling like he was in one of those dreams.

Robbie couldn’t believe how accepting Josh’s parents were of him, and he wondered how much was real and how much simply because they were being polite? Did she really mean it when she called him one of her boys or was it merely a way to put him at ease because of his loss? Somehow, looking at her moist eyes he knew it was real, genuine and his heart felt a bit better even though he wished that Justin could be here to enjoy it too.

Robbie “Uh, oh, uh, sure I guess, I mean…”

Joel “Haha, don’t sweat it Robbie, she likes us all to be fat, don’t you mama?”

Adele “Fat? No of course not, such things you say boychik, but how can you be strong if you don’t eat? Come, we have some gifilte fish, come, try it, it won’t bite, everyone likes my gifilte fish.”

Robbie “Sure, but…”

Adele “Good, now how about some potato salad? Good, and that, you take some of that, its cold but roast chicken is roast chicken…”

Joshua “Mama, please, you will make us both explode, give us a chance.”

Abner could see what she was doing and he felt such pride in her, the way she looked even now all these years, just like the girl he had dated and insisted to everyone who would listen that he would marry her. No one had thought he could ever do that, that the families would never approve but he knew different. He knew that if she wanted him as he wanted her, nothing would ever stop them and now here they were, still happy and in love. She was an amazing woman and he knew how hard it was for her now, to put on such an act just to ease the tension, to deflect the pain for the moment and so he joined in, doing his part as she had expected.

Abner “Joshua, you know your mother, she isn’t happy if she isn’t shoving food at everyone, except me it seems, nu gelibteh[11. beloved, term of endearment]? Do I get any of the gefilte fish?”

Adele “Gloib mir[12. believe ME, said to make a point] Abner, you wait your turn, these poor boys need to taste it first, you like fish Robbie?”

Robbie “Uh, yes, thank you Mrs Goldberg, I…”

Adele “Mrs? What is this? You call your own mama, Mrs? Vais mir[13. oh my, expression to convey haste, exasperation, being harried], such politeness, please you call me Adele, such formalities we aren’t used to around here, yes?”

Robbie “I…”

Joel “Don’t even try to argue Robbie, she’s the real debate champion in this family, right Josh?”

Josh “Yeah, give it up Robbie, she’s a pro.”

Adele “A pro? What is this, you talk like I am not here, now come, ess[14. eat], you can kibitz later while you help with the dishes.”

Abner “Mama…”

Adele “What? I do the cooking, the boys do the clean up, that is fair, right boys?”

Robbie “Sounds fair to me.”

Joshua “Don’t encourage her, geez we’ll never hear the end of this now.”

Joel “That’s for sure.”

She couldn’t help but smile at her two boys, the way they had all joined in. Poor Robbie, he didn’t know that marrying a Jew meant you married the whole family and as it seemed that Joshua was determined that he would be his partner, well they might just as well have been married. Besides, as her own papa had told her, marriage wasn’t a piece of paper or some couple standing under a chupah[15. a canopy under which the bride & groom exchange vows, in a Jewish wedding], but was when two people swore to each other before God, whether in shul or out under the heavens, that was a marriage.

Adele “End of this? What? Come, eat, you’re hardly touching your latkes Robbie, you don’t like?”

Robbie “No, they are good, but I don’t eat that much, I mean…”

Adele “Well try a few more mouthfuls, its good to be full, and don’t you look at me that way Abner, I don’t see you putting any latkes back on the plate?”

Abner “Like I’d dare? Come mama, let the boys eat in peace.”

She just looked at Abner, an expression of annoyance seeming to appear but she knew that he knew how proud she was of him. It was all an act, the banter was just that and she could see that Robbie now felt more at ease, that even once or twice there had been the hint of a smile behind those sad eyes of his. He was such a handsome young man and yet he looked so tortured, so afraid but then looking at Joshua, she knew that he would discover he was far from being alone. It made her eyes brim up with tears as she stared over at her husband, seeing and feeling the pure love that he had for her and as she reached to her plate, piercing one of the latkes on it, she wondered if Joshua and Joel would ever feel the same kind of love she felt with her Abner? She took the latke and placed it on Robbie’s plate, ignoring his weak protests even as his fork cut into the small potato pancake. His eyes filling with tears as he looked at her and then at Josh and then back at her.

Part 3

He walked down the stairs to the rec room with his head hanging down, his eyes were clouded but he refused to give in to the tears that were trying to cheapen him. No way would he surrender to those emotions, not now, not in front of all those people upstairs and certainly not in front of HER. The anger still burned hotly inside of him as he turned on the light to the room and headed towards the small bar at the far end.

He stopped as he looked at it, the finely sanded and polished wood gleamed at him as if in mockery of all he was going through. His heart gave him a strange hitch, as if it too were feeling the emotions that swirled around inside of him, threatening to break free but he clenched his hands tightly, feeling his fingers digging into the soft flesh of his palms, as he fought off the tears once more. Looking at the wood he could see Robbie bending over, his dark hair over his eyes and his body swaying back and forth in one steady motion as he sanded the long wood by hand, refusing to use the power sander, wanting it to be perfect.

Walt had stood there for almost an entire half hour that day, watching his eldest son working on the bar rail, the long plank that they had cut and fixed to the top, and he had seen how every few moments he would stop his sanding, running his hand along the smoothed wood, checking to see if there were any imperfections. It had made him so proud to watch and even after Robbie had noticed him, his pride didn’t change as he could see that smile on his young handsome face, see the way his eyes just simply glittered as he looked into his face.

All that was gone now as he shook his head, feeling the loss not just of Justin, but of his eldest too and he walked even slower now, his legs feeling like they were encased in cement. Each step painful as he could feel all of the memories pressing in on him as he headed towards that very bar, the place he had last seen Robbie before earlier today. It was here that he had had his proudest moments with Robbie, and it was here that it had also been his worst moments. How could someone he loved so much turn on him so quickly, so fast that it made one’s head swim?

At first he had thought it was just a phase, just Robbie trying to assert his independence, but then the gay stuff, the graphic description of how he was with other men, with other males made him sick to his stomach. How could his own flesh and blood be queer? After all the work he had done in trying to give Robbie the best tools to being successful, in all aspects of his life, to find out that the boy was a faggot was just too inconceivable to him.

Perhaps what had shocked him the most, made him the angriest, was the way Robbie had made it all sound like it was his fault, like he had made him turn that way when all he had done was give the boy the benefit of his own experiences. Surely that wasn’t wrong, how could it be wrong just because some in the world wouldn’t understand it? Hell he had been doing it for a long time, with other scared young boys who were now men too, good men with families and all. So no, Robbie was wrong, he wasn’t the cause of it, it had to be something else, but what?

He had listened to the lectures, the sermons and even the few documentaries that he had bothered with, all of which told him that being gay wasn’t a choice, wasn’t some decision and yet deep in his heart he knew it wasn’t true. He knew that those documentaries, those lectures, those sermons were merely designed to appease and not to educate. They couldn’t be right, not as he knew the world and he certainly should know his own boy, shouldn’t he? Robbie was as heterosexual as they came, so his switching to becoming a queer had to be a choice, it couldn’t be anything else.

Walt ran his hand along the finely polished board, feeling the smoothness and texture of the wood, feeling the love that Robbie had put into each stroke, each swipe of the sandpaper and then he had worked long on coating it. Giving the wood such care you would have thought he was going to marry it, treating it as he would treat a true love. No, his son couldn’t be queer, it just wasn’t possible and yet he had stood at this very bar, his dark eyes flashing with fire as he said that he would never marry a girl, that he was interested in only what a real man could do for him in bed which no girl ever could. It had stunned him and made him so angry that he had struck out, slapping Robbie hard on the face and yet still he had to admire his son, he never cried, never flinched as Walt had slapped him a second and third time. He just stood there, his eyes smouldering with anger but his hands never rose up, he didn’t move backwards or turn away even, and he kept to his guns, refused to deny what he had said or relent in it even.

In some ways he had to be proud of that, admire it even though he knew Robbie was wrong, knew that he was making the mistake of a lifetime in choosing to go and live a gay lifestyle. It was his duty as his father to try and make him see the truth, to realize that by choosing such a path that he was doomed. So he had no alternative, no other choice really but to deny Robbie any family help, any chance what so ever of going forwards. Even the scholarship offers he had received on behalf of his son would be forfeit; there just wasn’t any choice no matter how much it hurt his heart to do. After all, he was a real father not like those jerks who claimed the right, not like that creep Schellenberg who left a fine young boy all alone, a good wife penniless and up to her neck in debt. No, he was a real father, a real man and it was his duty to make sure his boys turned out the same. He had to do his duty; after all it was what his own father had hammered into his head time after time.

Thinking of his own father, Tommy, made him even angrier, wondering what had happened to the man he had admired so much, had respected and even at times feared. Tommy Fisher just wasn’t the same person he had been or that Walt remembered him being and yet he seemed the same, a bit older, but he still seemed the same tough person he always had been. There was some differences but he was older now, he maybe couldn’t pack a good wallop like he used to but somehow Walt knew it would still sting, still hurt so why was he now craw-fishing? Why was he making excuses for Robbie’s behaviour?

Leaning up against the bar that Robbie had made almost on his own, Walt could still hear his angry words, still here his own voice as he shook Robbie by the shoulders, yelling at him that no son of his would live under his roof and be a god damn faggot, and still Robbie never flinched, never even tried to get away. It was almost as if he had expected the tirade and had somehow become immune to the words of his own father. How could someone to whom he had shown nothing but devotion and love, reject him so flatly, so completely and for what, for some cock? That was just unheard of so he had no choice. He had gone upstairs, ordering Robbie to stay put and when he returned, Robbie hadn’t moved an inch from where he had been before.

Walt “This is your last chance young man, I mean it.”

Robbie “Do what you have to, I am who I am, who you helped make, so go ahead, do what you want to, you always do.”

Walt “I do what I do for you and your brother and your mother smart mouth, and I sure as hell didn’t do all that for some faggot, do you hear me?”

Robbie “I hear you… father.”

Walt “Fine, see these?”

Robbie “Yeah.”

Walt “They are the scholarship offers, they are your chance at a university education, so what do I do Robbie, do I call the numbers on them and refuse them, or do you come to your senses and stop being so foolish and end all this queer talk?”

Robbie “Call them, if I have to be someone I am not in order to have them, I don’t want them. I am gay; nothing you say or do will change that, even me saying I am not, won’t change it… I am gay.”

It was almost as if it had happened just five minutes ago instead of almost an entire year. He had done what he said he would, hoping that Robbie would change his stubborn mind but the boy never did, he only became more determined to prove he was gay, almost as if he wanted to flaunt it in his face but it didn’t stop him. The scholarships had all been rejected by Walt, every single one and when a couple had called asking why, he had told them that Robbie just wasn’t interested in university, that his mind had wandered and there was nothing he could do. It was too bad, but he at least spared Robbie the embarrassment of strangers knowing about his choices, that had to prove how much he cared for the boy but Robbie just never saw it that way.

Walt sighed as he heard the phone ringing and he looked up at the extension that rested on the wall. He knew it was most likely just another well wisher and he stood up straight, afraid that whoever was on the other end of the phone might mistake his leaning as a sign of weakness and he picked up the phone, answering it in his normal voice, as best as he could, wiping away any evidence of the emotions that were bubbling inside.

Neil Schellenberg watched the man stand up straight, wiping away at his eyes and he felt confused and scared. He had come down the stairs to see Walt, to find out what he should be doing, to find out why every part of his body was feeling like it was being torn into a million little pieces and instead he had found him leaning against the bar. His body heaving as small sounds came from the man’s lips, sounds that sounded almost like sobs. This couldn’t be the man who told him that only weak cowards cried in times of crisis could it?

Whatever was happening was too much for him and as Walt answered the phone, he was certain he saw the light reflecting off of tears that were rolling down the man’s face. It couldn’t be, every part of his mind refused to accept that which it saw and yet deep in his own heart, he felt a sort of relief, a sort of happiness that perhaps it was okay after all, that there were times when emotions could be allowed out and yet looking at how he squared his shoulders, how his voice was almost normal, he wasn’t sure. Silently Neil turned away from the image he was seeing and quietly he walked back up the stairs, leaving from the back door wondering if all that he had been taught was just bullshit or not. The ache in his chest grew and he could feel his confusion as he walked away, the pain only becoming worse with each step he took that took him further from the one man, the one adult that he had trusted.

Part 4

Out of the corner of her eye she saw the tall young man leave from the downstairs door and head out towards the back of the house. Her heart quailed for a moment, as she saw the tall boy’s features interposed with the memory of her own Justin. He normally stood so tall and yet as she watched him leave she saw how bent over he was, how lonely he looked even from the back and her heart ached for him and for her loss. Her eyes brimmed with more tears as her eyes moved back to the basement doorway and instead of grief she felt a growing hatred at what was down those stairs.

Her baby was gone, and he was off playing the macho man once more, once more he was being the ‘rock’ that he expected to be what everyone wanted when she knew different, she knew that people were more frightened of him than respectful or admiring. Yes they all adored how well the boys had done in sports, but not many of the people here even knew Justin or Robbie beyond that, and as her eyes narrowed, blinking to push aside her tears, she knew that much of that fault rested squarely on her own shoulders.

Sitting there as people’s voices wafted all around her, their sounds muted by the roar of her own pain inside her head, all she could think of was how she had first been attracted to Walter Fisher. It was his inner strength, his obvious determination in being somebody that had gotten her attention, and now it was those same qualities that she was beginning to loathe, to despise even. How could she have loved the trait that had now claimed her youngest and driven her oldest from her side at this, her moment of need? It was HIS fault and her eyes sparked with fire that had he been there to see he would have been shocked at the depth of anger and hatred that rested in his wife’s soul.

Thinking back as more people came and went, all being received by some of the ladies from her church, she realized that she had fallen for Walter Fisher because he was a man with a mission. Oh, he had some pretty strange ideas even back then, like he didn’t believe in premarital sex unless there was a commitment between the two, a sort of understanding as he had put it. He didn’t care about all the other young men who had bragged about their conquests, which endeared him to her. Life back then was so much simpler, when people settled disputes mostly on the front porch, or on those rare occasions with a quiet trip to the back yard. Today it was all so different, lawyers and worse were the way people settled their differences and she felt sadder still, knowing that her own thinking had never changed with the times.

Maybe that was her problem! She had never come into the new millennium along with everyone else. Take Neil’s own mother, her best friend Marilyn, who had been dumped by that slug of a husband but now she wasn’t that frail, frightened, young girl who had cried on her shoulder that day. Now she was the head of a department at the Bay and was making good money, supporting herself and her son in the same way that Walter had supported them. Oh sure, she did her part time work for the Church, but that was more like volunteer work than for the money, and it never left her feeling happy or satisfied as Marilyn’s work did, so maybe that was part of it? Maybe that was why she had let Walt be who he had become, or had he always been this way?

Sharon shook her head, as if trying to shake away the wild thoughts that were crowding her mind, preventing her from thinking of all that she must do now, stopping her from coming to terms with the fact that her Justin, her sweet young boy was gone. Her back grew rigid as she thought about her son, realizing that to her he was sweet, but that was wrong, he wasn’t a happy boy, just as Robbie had never really been happy. They both had that same look in their eyes when you peered into their faces, that same haunting expression of hidden pain and hidden fear. What was it about their family that had made them so quiet, so apprehensive that even their joy was tempered and forced even? What had Walt done, with her quiet acceptance, and as she thought that, she began to sob into her hands, knowing that her silence, her quiet support of Walt as head of the family was as much to blame as was Walt.

Her sobs had turned heads and Catherine Johnson immediately passed the plate of finger sandwiches to the man in front of her as she hurried over to Sharon. Her eyes immediately began to search the crowd of people for Walter, knowing that Sharon would need his support more than ever now, and yet when she had first come it was almost as if she were walking into the middle of a pitched battle scene from one of those disgusting Hollywood movies her husband liked so much. The tension had been unreal but she had chalked it up to simply the unexpected sorrow that had come to them both but as she began to organize things, to get her own battle plans into operation, she felt that perhaps there was more. Deke had sort of implied it and he had looked so uncomfortable, so uneasy when she had arrived that it had made her look at him in that asking way, as if seeking some explanation, but he had just shrugged and shook his head.

Still, she had wondered and for the last while she had watched closely, waiting for that moment when the shock of it all might finally wear out, might finally let Sharon express her pain more normally. The loss of a child was something she thanked God that neither she nor Deke would ever have to face, being childless and all. Still, part of her felt the grief, because no one as young as Justin should have to be laid to final rest at that age. It was a tragedy too; given how much promise he had shown for being a possible star athlete, just like his older brother.

Thinking of Robbie she wondered what would happen there. In her brief time with Sharon, she had asked if she could perhaps call him, or arrange for him to be brought over, and for a mere instant she had seen the desire in Sharon’s face but it changed so quickly that she wasn’t even certain she had seen it. Sharon had refused, mumbling something about not now, that Walter was still in too much pain to deal with that aspect of their grief. It hadn’t made much sense to her, she knew that there was something about Robbie’s lifestyle that might be embarrassing but he should be here, his parents needed him or so she thought and yet knowing Walter Fisher as she did, perhaps Sharon was right, perhaps it was best but still it rankled a little. Family should be together at times like this, it helped and she knew that from experience. After all she had been a minister’s wife for close to 30 years now, so she should know.

Everyone handles grief differently but she had expected Sharon to be a total and complete wreck and yet she seemed so calm most of the time that it was unnerving for Catherine. She couldn’t quite explain it, but it was almost as if Sharon seemed on the verge of some decision, as if she were pondering some momentous thought and the way she looked at people, as if trying to size them up and see if they would stand with her or against her. In many ways it was rather disconcerting because she had this image of Sharon that was in contradiction to how she was acting now. No one expected much from Sharon, after all she was rather the nervous type and yet looking at her now, she wondered about that. Sharon certainly was in pain, you could see it in her eyes and her face, but there was something that made you pause, made you take a second look and it was out of character for her.

Catherine “Can I get you anything Sharon? Maybe you would like to lie down for a bit?”

Looking up at Catherine she saw something that made her lean back into her chair. For the first time perhaps she thought she could see just what other’s had been thinking of her and it made her feel lonely, feel sad even as she realized that for the most part, people just didn’t think much of her. She was ‘Walter’s Wife’ and that was how they mostly defined her. Strange, she had always thought of herself as someone else, as if she were separate really from Walt but looking into Catherine’s face, she knew it wasn’t true, she was just ‘Walt’s Wife’.

Sharon “Huh? Oh, no, no thank you Catherine, I should, no I am okay for now.”

Catherine “Well, if you are sure, we are here to help dear, don’t hesitate to let us know if we can get you anything. Maybe you would like a cup of tea?”

Sharon “No, really I’ll be alright, guess I am still in shock, I just, just feel so numb.”

Funny, she had expected Sharon to be in either tears with uncontrollable sobbing or else flitting around, trying to make sense of things and trying to play hostess but to have her so calm looking, to hear her speaking so matter of factly, was just one more mystery to the whole puzzle of the Fisher’s.

Catherine “Well that’s understandable, let me get you something to drink, maybe some juice?”

Sharon “No thanks, Catherine. I just don’t feel much like drinking anything; but, well you know what I would really like? I would like a cigarette, do you think anyone here has one?”

The request startled her for a second. A cigarette was not something she associated with the Fisher family, never mind Sharon. Well people did do strange. out of character things when they were struck by grief and perhaps this was just one of those quirks that tragedy brought to people?

Catherine “A what? A cigarette? I uh, I didn’t know you smoked, uh, I am sure someone has some, uh, shall I go and ask?”

Sharon “Please.”

Catherine moved away and walked over to a couple of men who were standing by the fireplace and she kept glancing backwards at Sharon sitting in that chair, a bit stunned really by the request. In all of the 9 years that she had been here with Deke, she never had known Sharon Fisher to take even a puff of a cigarette, in fact as she quickly looked around, she noticed there wasn’t a single ashtray in the room either. It was just so out of character and once more she was struck by how different Sharon seemed to be. It was amazing what you learned about people in the midst of some tragedy as she asked a couple of men if they had a spare cigarette.

Part 5

Marilyn was torn between where to go first. Part of her said she should go home, see if her son Neil were there as he would need her too, but then she also knew that most likely if he had heard about Justin, he would already be at the Fishers. He was so attached to Walter that at times it made her uneasy, especially in the last year or so, but that was natural for her. The way Walt Fisher had just naturally assumed the role of father for Neil was amazing, and there was no denying the hero worship that Neil had for him. She knew he had started dating this last year and perhaps that was what bothered her, the way he seemed on edge at times when she would ask him how his dates had gone, as if he were hiding something. She even had mentioned it to Walt a few weeks back but Walt had been, well he had been Walt, telling her not to worry that Neil was a normal teenager and that he, Walter, had everything under control. It was that which bothered her the most maybe, the way Walt seemed to get a glazed look on his face when talking about Neil and his dating, but then she was charting unknown waters there. Raising a teenage boy without a father was hard enough without throwing in the whole dating ritual.

She had known very little about dating, and certainly not from any male perspective; but still, she was becoming a bit concerned about all the time Neil spent with Walt and how secretive he had become too about the trips to Salt Spring and the Fisher cabin. It was like a part of some secret club, one that it seemed not even Justin was privy too and that rather puzzled her too. Both Justin and Neil were good friends, they were constantly together practising their shots either at the hoop on the Schellenberg garage or the one at the Fisher home, yet she had noticed a rather change in even that friendship. She was worried that Neil was becoming a loner, too dependent on Walt and she had mentioned her concerns to Sharon just last week, and now here she was, having to console her best friend over the loss of her youngest. Life just wasn’t fair, if anyone deserved better it was Sharon, she was such a sweet person, had a heart of gold really but was too quiet for most people.

They had talked about how the boys were growing up, how she had wished Robbie had stayed home and gone on to University but she never once hinted at what had stopped him, at why he had suddenly left home to go live on his own. It was almost as if she really didn’t know the answers but that couldn’t be right. How could any mother not know why her child wasn’t going on to university; besides, there had been plenty of talk about scholarships from several high powered places, even one or two from some U.S. colleges, so why did Robbie just suddenly drop out?

Straightening her blouse as she stared up the walk towards the Fisher home, she felt puzzled by her thoughts, wondering what other mysteries were there? Just how did Justin die was a burning question in her mind and in her heart but how do you ask someone that? You just didn’t go up and ask, did you, or maybe she could ask someone else? This was all new to her as she had yet to really have to deal with death and so she just didn’t know what to do as she clutched her purse and walked up the steps towards the house. Her heart felt heavy and yet at the same time she just couldn’t seem to put aside all the nagging doubts and questions that seemed to be popping up inside. Maybe she was in shock herself, but she stood upright, knowing that whatever questions she had, they would have to wait as her only true friend needed her now and she owed Sharon at least that. After all she knew how much Sharon had helped in getting Walter to help her so many years ago, so she struggled with her own racing thoughts and pushed them aside, readying herself to be the rock that Sharon could rely on now.

Looking at the Fisher home, it was almost as if it were her own house. She had spent so much time here and Sharon at hers that she knew exactly where everything was and yet looking at the house, she thanked God that it was different in one respect, that her Neil was still here to bang the ball on the floor, to slam the door as he went out, or to leave his dirty clothes all over the bathroom floor. No, this house was no longer the same as hers, because it held no teenage boys anymore, one gone under strange circumstances, the other dying in no less mysterious circumstances. Her head felt like it would explode as she opened the screen door, hearing the hushed babble of voices as she walked in.

Sharon turned from staring once more at the basement door to see Marilyn standing just inside the alcove and her heart felt slightly better. It was nice to see a truly friendly face that she knew was sincere, instead of all the others. Most of them were here out of duty; out of some sense that this is where they should be simply because the Fisher’s were members of the church, or that the boys had attended classes or some other miniscule association. Maybe they were just here out of morbid curiosity but at least now she knew that someone was here who actually cared, who could actually feel for her and her pain.

Her eyes filled once more with tears as Marilyn came over and hugged her hard and then leaned back a little to stare into her face. They didn’t speak much, just stared at each other and searched each other’s hearts for the words that they couldn’t speak, knowing that this way at least they would understand each other. Marilyn felt the relief that Sharon felt at seeing her and she knew that right now, Sharon was okay. As she looked into Sharon’s eyes though, she was certain that she saw a warning flash by and it startled her a little too as out of the corner of her eye she saw Walt Fisher coming up from the basement, his face ashen but his back ramrod straight. There was almost something sinister about how he moved, as if he were in the grip of something horrible but she couldn’t worry about Walt just now, her concern was for Sharon. She stood upright, turning as Walt came up to them both.

Marilyn “Walt, I am so sorry, I just heard and…”

She turned to her husband as Marilyn began to speak and in her heart she felt anger but then she saw his face, the ashen look in his cheeks and the lifeless colour of his eyes ripped hard into her heart. Her hands flew to her face for a second and she could see people all turning towards them as she waited for the other shoe to drop. She knew it wasn’t good news, and there was something absolutely eerie in the way Walt was looking at her, as if Marilyn and everyone else simply weren’t there.

Sharon “What is it Walt? What else is it?”

Walt “Its dad Sharon, he, he collapsed earlier when Pastor Johnson told him about… told him about Justy. Sharon, he, Oh God why us? Why?”

It was the first time that she had seen her husband so tortured by grief and she could see the emotions in his face, the pain was there, real and visible to her and she was stunned as she saw tears running down his face. The pain in her chest grew tighter as her hands now gripped the arms of the chair, her own eyes narrowed and focusing on the grief stricken face of her husband, a lump strangling her voice for a second as she fought for control, fought for the strength to ask what she was deathly afraid to ask.

Sharon “OH MY GOD! Is he? Walt, IS HE…”

Walter Fisher couldn’t fight it any longer, the look of terror on her face was too much for him and he sat down hard on the footstool next to his wife. His hands rose up as his head lowered itself into the large palms and his body heaved as he began to cry without stopping. The tears rolled down his face, falling between his fingers and rolling down his hands and arms as he cried, the sounds ripping across the now silenced crowd of people in his home. He could feel the cold creeping up and down his spine as he cried, calling for his dad and for his boys. His tortured spirit broke free for that moment in time and the years of pent up grief and shame poured outwards uncontrollably and people’s heads tried to turn away but were frozen by the sudden emotions that filled the room.

The sound of a broken spirit crying into the still of the room made people’s own body’s shake and tremble as they looked everywhere but at the broken man sitting at his wife’s feet, his body shaking and trembling with each gut wrenching sob that only made them feel more uncomfortable. Many couldn’t believe the sight that was before them and no one moved or spoke as Walt Fisher’s anguish grew louder, his body shaking as if in the midst of a terrible hurricane. His arms and head moved from side to side and Sharon Fisher looked down, one hand reaching out to gently touch the head of her husband.