Chapter 21

Part 1

He had no idea how long it took, how long he just stared up into Josh’s worried face, but finally he found his voice, and cleared his throat, as he felt ashamed of himself. He knew he shouldn’t be feeling this way but all those years learning one thing, one lesson after another to hammer it all in made it hard for him to ignore the words, the deeds even. Still, deep in his heart he knew that he should be feeling this way and he was actually a bit amazed at how patient Josh seemed to be, the way he just held him tightly in his arms, not saying anything but then he didn’t need to. Robbie could read all he wanted to say right in his eyes and it still felt weird, feeling the embrace of his lover when he knew that days earlier all he had wanted to feel was the cold earth covering his tortured soul. Strange how fate had intervened and here he was alive while poor Justin was gone.

The nightmare of his sleep was gone but now the nightmare of living had taken its place and he sniffled a little, trying to keep himself in check, keep himself under some control even though every part of him just wanted to throw his head down into the crook of Josh’s shoulder and cry, cry until there were no more tears left to spill, cry till the pain in his heart was healed but he knew it wouldn’t happen. Somehow he knew that no amount of tears or crying would ever totally heal him, that the hole he felt in his heart was never going to be totally filled and the sadness grew stronger as he lay there, feeling Josh’s love for him trying to get in, trying to penetrate past the stark terror that still held him in its power. How do you explain all that had gone on in a few words or even in a long speech? There just wasn’t the time or the strength in him to do that, but he knew he had to at least try, at lest begin to try and explain to Josh what had been going on.

Robbie “Sorry, guess I woke you huh?”

Josh “It’s okay, uh… wanna talk about it?”

Robbie “Yeah, sort of I guess.”

He knew it wasn’t going to be easy and maybe he shouldn’t, but he had to know; he just had to know what he had done to betray the love that he knew Robbie had for him. There was so much he wanted to share with him, so much that he thought they could have and yet Robbie hadn’t felt that way, hadn’t trusted him enough to share his pain with him. He had to know why, even at the risk of it all, he had to know.

Josh “Robbie… I mean, shit, I don’t know what to say to you, I had it all worked out so many different ways, but…”

Robbie “I know, me too, I guess I really fucked up Josh.”

Josh “Huh? No, no not really, but, shit Robbie, what did I do? Why did you, fuck, this isn’t what I, Christ, I love you so much and I don’t know how to talk to you, I don’t want to hurt you or say the wrong thing…”

Hearing those words, spoken so softly and yet with such force, such conviction he had to be telling him the truth but how, how could he have missed all this when it was so real, so true? Looking at Josh now he wondered why he even thought that he couldn’t tell him, and yet still, he knew he was hesitant, knew he felt ashamed for what he kept inside and the reluctance to speak it, to hear it given voice was still too powerful, too strong to make him just come out and tell him. God please help, he cried in his soul as his hand rested gently on top of Josh’s bare arm. The touch of Josh’s warm skin only making it all seem worse to him, his shame once more rising upwards, once more blocking the power of Josh’s love as it reached out for him, wanting him and him wanting it, but the shame was still master, still in charge.

Robbie “What did you do? Christ nothing man, it is me, I am just a first class fuck up, didn’t you know?”

Josh “STOP IT! I won’t have you say that, shit Robbie, if you are a first class fuck up what the hell does that make me? No, you aren’t a fuck up, maybe just scared, like me.”

The anger was real, it made Robbie lean back a little but his hand stayed on Josh’s arm, unsure what to do, but then too he could feel the fear that Josh had inside, even though there was much love, much compassion Robbie could feel the icy cold fear that had hold of Josh. It was as cold as his own was and that surprised him as he struggled with all that flowed inside of his body.

Robbie “You scared? Why? What are you scared about?”

Josh “Losing you, not being good enough for you to want me; in, well, lots of things I guess. Shit, I never felt this way about someone, you are so special, so unlike anyone I have ever known. I just, hell, you are so much more than I could ever dream of that I guess, well it scares me.”

Robbie “I am? I mean, fuck, that’s so, damn it Goldberg you are so much more than what you think, you are, I can’t… damn!”

Robbie reached out with his hand, touching the soft cheek of Josh and he felt the truth in all that Josh had said. He knew deep in the furthest recess of his pain torn heart that Josh did love him, not for how many baskets he had made or how tall he stood or any of that crap, but that he loved him for what he was inside, in that place that only Justin had known and maybe, maybe for a little what Cory had known. The tears wouldn’t be denied as he looked into Josh’s face, knowing the warmth of his love and he prayed, wishing that he could make Josh understand all that had happened, wishing that he could find the courage that Josh had, praying for the strength that Josh had and he began to sob once more, wishing that Justin could be here, could get to know Josh too.

Josh “I am sorry Robbie, I didn’t want to make you cry, please, I am sorry.”

Robbie “You are sorry? Christ Josh, I hurt you so much and you are sorry? Damn I wish I could stop crying, but I love you, I really do even though I haven’t shown it, I wish… fuck I am so sorry Josh, don’t, don’t…”

Robbie saw the tears falling down Josh’s face and it tore into his already battered heart. How could he let someone he loved so much be hurt like this? He was a fuck up no matter what Josh said, and he could prove it too, all anyone had to do was look at how many people he had hurt, had made cry when he should have been making them laugh, making them feel good instead of making them feel pain. Ask Justin… He almost lost it there, almost felt himself break into a thousand tiny pieces as the image of his younger brother came flooding into his sight. Oh God, he cried, how he missed him already and yet he knew that at least for Justin, the pain was finally over with, finally stopped.

There was so much pain in Robbie’s face it was hard for him to look at him but he had to, he had to know if Robbie really meant it, if he really did love him like he said or was he just trying to console him? His own eyes were clouded by his tears but the tears in Robbie’s eyes were just as real, just as painful and yet he thought he could see through them, thought for a brief second that he could actually see beyond the pain in Robbie’s soul and that there really was a place in that torn and ripped soul for him.

Josh “Do you? I mean, you really do love me?”

Robbie “Oh Christ YES! I am sorry Josh, please, I know you must hate me for what I did, but please, I do love you, honest.”

It just didn’t make sense to his fogged brain, if Robbie did love him and did want him, why then did he try to leave him like that? Why didn’t he come to him with whatever it was that was ripping him apart? Why couldn’t he have just talked to him or at least let him hold him to help take the pain away? What was it that held him in such pain, such hopelessness?

Josh “I don’t hate you, God how could I hate you? You are everything I ever wanted, I just don’t understand why, I guess I am thick, but I really do love you, I could never hate you, honest, you have to believe me Robbie… you have to!”

Josh reached out and took hold of Robbie’s shoulders; he couldn’t let him think that he wasn’t telling him the truth. For whatever reason, whatever made Robbie do it; he had to let him know that he did love Robbie, that Robbie was important to him.

Feeling Josh’s touch was almost unbearable for him. He didn’t know how he could still want to even be in the same room as him, but somehow Josh did, and for Robbie it was all like a dream. He knew in his heart that he should have talked to him, should have given Josh the benefit of the doubt, that perhaps if he explained it all to him that he would have understood but then what if he didn’t? What if Josh couldn’t understand it, what then? Shit even now he wasn’t sure if he could explain it to him, and even if he did find the words, he wasn’t sure if Josh would still want to be with him and the risk of losing Josh too, he just didn’t know if he could survive if Josh did leave him.

Robbie “I think I do, it is just, shit Josh, I never felt like this about someone either. I guess I know what you mean bout being scared, I just, I just wish I knew all this before… I should have known, but, man I really am a fuck up Josh, you have no idea how fucked up I am.”

Josh “I don’t care Robbie, it doesn’t matter; damn, I love you, doesn’t that count, doesn’t it mean something?”

Robbie “Course it does, I just didn’t realize how much it does matter, don’t hate me, please Josh, you don’t know how much I really want you to know it all, it is just that, fuck, it is just that I am afraid that once you know it all, that you won’t love me anymore. I don’t know if I could survive that, I just know how much I need you, how much I care for you.”

Deep inside of him, Josh felt the fires of his desire flickering, knowing that his body was aching for Robbie but not for the physical touch that they had shared before all of this, but for something far more powerful, far more intense and he felt frightened a little by just how much he really did want Robbie. It was worse than an obsession or addiction, because he knew that his whole life, his very being depended on him having Robbie this way.

Josh “I couldn’t hate you, why do you think I ever would?”

Far within his very spirit he knew that Josh was right, that he wouldn’t hate him but still, the shame kept close guard over his tongue and his voice and inside he felt the war raging between what he felt deep down in a secret place of his being and in the recess of his mind. Could he tell Josh and survive? Could the feelings he had about Josh be real or were they simply something borne out of his desperate need for acceptance and love? Could he risk what little future he had on just a feeling, just a small tiny voice that had been buried since puberty?

Robbie “You don’t know it all, I mean I know I should have told you why instead of what I did write, but you have to believe me, I meant all that I wrote, honest, please…”

Josh “Wrote? What are you talking about, I didn’t get anything written from you, all I know is you were there, bleeding and looking so, so sad, so empty, there wasn’t anything, not a scrap of paper, nothing.”

Robbie “But I left you a letter, in the bedroom, on the night stand, didn’t you, shit God I couldn’t even do that right, see, I told you I am just a fuck up.”

Josh “Stop it Robbie, it doesn’t matter what you wrote anyways, because you, well you are here, you aren’t, shit I don’t even want to say it, but fuck, you didn’t die, I am sorry… guess I am selfish too, another of my thick traits, but you are here and that’s what counts. Don’t you ever leave me Robbie Fisher, I couldn’t make it if you left me, I mean it.”

Robbie felt the force of Josh’s words and his eyes stared into Josh’s face. He could see the fires flickering deep in the blue pools of Josh’s eyes and he knew the words were backed by all that was Josh. Every part of his soul was in those words and he knew deep in his own heart, even down in the tortured chambers of his soul that the little voice inside was right, Josh did love him and the truth wouldn’t change that. All he needed was the courage, the strength to break through the wall of shame that had been erected over almost 8 years of guilt.

He closed his eyes as he felt Josh holding him, bringing him closer to his body and he smelled the warm sweet scent of a spring’s garden and he saw the tall white stallion now. It was high up on its hind legs and the pure whiteness of its skin glistened brightly in the rays of the sun and he heard laughter, too, and he felt a calm come into his body as he opened his eyes.

Robbie saw the sweet golden hue of Josh’s skin but he looked beyond that and he saw the meadow now. The huge stallion no longer was rearing upwards and as its majestic head came down he saw the pure golden flash as the sun beamed across the swirling horn that rested firmly in the centre of the head. The long mane flowed to one side in a soft breeze and there astride of the great steed sat a laughing, smiling young boy. His hair was blowing too, just as his steed’s mane did, and Robbie could see that this time the laughter was real, wasn’t forced or held in check. It came from deep within the young boy and he smiled, and he let his head rest against the hot flesh of Josh’s shoulder.

He felt the soft caress against his back, the way the hand would gently pass across his shaking back as he cried for all he had done and all he had yet to do. The soft gentle press of Josh’s lips against his head only made him realize just how much he was in love and his heart began to slowly seek for the broken pieces and his soul cried upwards, urging him to let the shame pass, to let the full force of Josh’s love come flowing into him and he cried softly, knowing it was what he wanted, knowing it was what he must do, so that he too could once more laugh and smile without reservation, without remorse.

The voice inside was no longer alone, no longer just a distant murmur off in some far away forest as he felt Josh’s love touching him, felt the power of its majesty as it came to him, no conditions attached and his soul reached up, his spirit rose up from its long sleep and stretched outwards as he saw the pure innocence of a meadow filled with joy and laughter. He cried for what was gone now but he also felt the hope of a future, a future in which the pain would no longer torture his soul or crush his spirit. He cried deeply for what Josh was offering him and he felt himself reaching out for it, willing his heart to beat once more, his lungs to take one more breath of life, because at last Robbie knew that he wanted to live, to live with Josh at his side and him at Josh’s.

Robbie “I do love you, I really do.”

Josh “I know that now. I wish I had been there for you, but I am now, with all my heart I am.”

Robbie “I know.”

It was strange, holding the sobbing body of his lover in his arms and yet he felt happier than he had in a long time. In some strange and bizarre way it was like he was being given another chance at something that had messed up before. Sitting up in the bed, holding Robbie, he knew that there was much he needed to know, to come to terms with, and part of that was that he was not an island, that love was something that just didn’t come and stay, that it would take work and effort and it frightened him a lot but then he saw the image of his mother and father, just touching hands, and he knew that he too wanted that ease, that comfort.

Josh “I know it isn’t going to be easy Robbie. It is scary but I just know that as long as we are honest with each we can get thru anything. I love you so much that it hurts, you don’t know just how much I ache for you, how much I wish I could take away all your hurt.”

Robbie “Yeah I think I do Josh, if its anything like how I ache for you; well I know, it is just that, I don’t know if I am strong enough to do what needs to be done.”

Josh “Well maybe not, maybe neither of us is strong enough, if it is just us alone; but we aren’t alone, we have each other, so maybe if you need some extra strength, extra whatever, maybe you can just take it from me?”

Josh had been staring at their two hands entwined together and he raised his head as he had spoken. There was something so special about Robbie, the way his hair fell across his forehead, the way his eyes could be brooding one instant and then seemingly filled with mirth the next, and he could see all the changes too, as if watching a fast forwarded picture of someone being born, because that is how it seemed to him. It was like they were just finding each other for the first time, like it was their first meeting.

Robbie “Maybe, it is just, you could wind up getting hurt in all this. You don’t know how mean… you just don’t know, and I don’t know if I can tell you now, if I have that kind of courage.”

Josh “You don’t have to tell me anything now, I don’t need to know anything other than you are here and that you are okay, that is all I need to know, emeses.”

Robbie “Huh?”

Josh “On my honour, it’s a Jewish saying.”

Robbie “Oh, you really mean that? That no matter what?”

He had wanted to ask so many questions of Robbie, ask him this and that and he had lain awake wondering what he should ask or not and yet now, now it just really didn’t matter to him one bit what the reasons were. All he wanted was to know that Robbie loved him, that Robbie would never leave his side and if he had that, well that would be more than enough. Strange, just leaning next to him, just being able to reach out and touch him if he wanted and all the doubts, all the fears seemed to just vanish from his mind. It was like as long as he could see him, hear him, touch him, then nothing else mattered.

Josh “Yeah, I kind of have some idea of what is going on, after all I was there.”

Robbie “Yeah you were. I really didn’t think you would want to, but your father, he told me that first day. Funny, I didn’t quite believe him but then I did, he’s something else, you are pretty lucky.”

Josh “I am. I have parents who love me, a brother who does, and now I know I have a lover who does too; so

yeah I am damn lucky, and so bring it all on world, cause I have all I need, all I want.”

He didn’t know why he did it, but he had to raise his hands in the air, striking a comical pose of a young boy scoring the game winning touchdown or something but it felt good, like it was his declaration of war on the forces that had come to hurt him and Robbie. He meant it too and while he may joke about it, he was under no illusions as to how much it would cost them both.

Robbie “You are nuts, you know that?”

Josh “But of course, would you have it any other way, my shining knight?”

Robbie “Haha, no I guess not; but Josh, I am no knight, I hope you know what you are getting into.”

Robbie leaned back, his legs drawn up in front, his knees touching Josh’s and he stared at him. Justin had called him a knight, his big brother the knight that would save them both but that was so long ago, eons ago it seemed but in reality no more than maybe four years and now it was Justin who was astride the charging white steed, while he still was here, battling on, as best he could.

Josh “Not a knight? Oh but you are so wrong, so very wrong, because you have fought my dragons and vanquished all those evil magicians that held me hostage, even though it cost you a hell of a lot. So yeah, Sir Robert James Fisher, you are indeed my Knight!”

The way Josh’s face lit up as he talked about him made his heart beat just a little faster. He stared at the animated face of the young boy in front of him, felt the fire inside of him pass through every part of his body where they were touching and he knew that Josh believed in him, believed in a fairy tale ending for them even if it didn’t seem practical or possible. Looking at Josh, he knew that he couldn’t not fight the battles ahead; just as Justin had said, Josh would be his strength and he felt a pang of regret, knowing that he should have done this a lot sooner than now, perhaps if he had, Justin would still be here.

Robbie “You make it all sound so real, like I really did do something right; but Josh, this isn’t a fairy tale, it may not end up with everyone living happily ever after. I don’t know how I could live with myself if you were hurt in all this.”

Josh “All this? Well, yeah maybe I am making it sound like a fairy tale, with evil warlords, dragons and tall knights on winged Pegasus’s, or gleaming unicorns, but it is how I want it to be. And what is wrong with having a fantasy where good wins out and everyone gets to live happily ever after?”

Robbie “Nothing, just that, this isn’t going to be like that. Those dragons you talk about are vicious and mean Josh, I know that first hand. I think even Justin knew it, but he’s safe now, you and I aren’t.”

His eyes narrowed as he listened to Robbie’s crestfallen voice, but he also could hear a bit of defiance there where before there had been none. Robbie Fisher may be battered and down on his knees, but he was a fighter and Josh knew that he just needed to be told that, just needed to know that someone believed in him and he would get up, he wouldn’t stay on his knees forever and he knew that it was up to him, that it was his responsibility to be that someone, to be that driving force, just as his mother was the driving force for his father at times.

Josh “I know Robbie. I am sorry, and yeah I know the dragons have teeth, but if all else fails I’ll raise up the golem to come and fight them for us.”

Robbie “The what?”

Josh “Haha, the ‘golem’, it’s a Jewish myth of some superhuman that is sent by God to those who call for him, by those who have a pure heart and pure purpose. Nothing evil can stop it, but we won’t need it, we have right on our side, and you know something, I never really thought about it before, but in his own way, I think my dad is much like that mythical ‘golem.’ He certainly has surprised me in how he can push through things.”

Robbie “I have never met someone like your dad, he was so gentle and yet I could feel the steel inside. Did he tell you what we talked about?”

Josh “No, not really, we really haven’t had much of a chance to talk.”

Robbie “I think I can see why I fell in love with you. You are so much like him that when he sat with me, I could see you there; and when my wrists ached and he held them in his hands, I could see your hands holding them. God, it felt so good to have someone touching me who cared about me, not about his own needs.”

The mention of his wrists made Josh look down at Robbie’s hands. They were resting on his thighs, and he saw the dark pubic hairs nestled around the groin and the soft pink lump that was the top of his penis, but his eyes didn’t stray there, instead they stared at the white bandages that were such a contrast to the golden tanned flesh of Robbie’s arms and legs. It was like a badge or neon sign really the way the white just froze his eyes in place. His heart twisted a little at the sight, wondering what lay beneath the cloth. Was the skin all torn, was it jagged and ripped or was it like any other cut?

Josh “Do they still hurt?”

Robbie looked down at his bandaged wrists and then up into Josh’s eyes. How do you tell someone you love that life hurts but that when you are with them, life is nothing but a ray of sunshine? ‘Yes they hurt but not when I am with you’, but he couldn’t find those words, instead he just took Josh’s hands and placed one on each of his wrists and looked deep into the blue eyes and smiled.

Robbie “Funny, they do but then I just think of you and it doesn’t hurt anymore. I don’t know why I never saw all this before Josh, but I swear, I’ll never do that to you again, what’s the word… emeses?”

The roar almost made his head fall off as he heard Robbie’s heart pounding loudly inside his own head. How wild it sounded and yet as he stared at his own hands touching those wrists, he could feel the blood pulsing through Robbie’s arteries and veins. He felt Robbie then, the life that was in his hands and he knew that it was exactly that. He knew that Robbie had given him his life, that they were indeed more than just a couple, that they were as one, one heart between them, one life bound up in another’s so tightly that nothing could ever come between them. That simple touch, that simple placing of his hands on Robbie’s torn and ripped wrists were all his own body needed and he felt the beat of his own heart change, as it too grew loud and slowly the two beating sounds became just one and his eyes filled with tears as he looked into Robbie’s face.

Josh “Haha, yeah, that’s the word, you learn good for a goy!”

Robbie “A what?”

Josh “A goy, a non Jew, mama will teach you I am sure. She is always trying to teach me and Joel Yiddish, says its part of our culture, and I guess she’s right too, it does get the points across at times.”

It was so innocent, like he really was just this part of the family without any fanfare, no rules, nothing, just blanket acceptance that because Josh was in love with him, he was part of their lives. He knew it meant that they too would not become a part of his life, but it didn’t feel like an intrusion, the exact opposite really as he stared at Josh’s face, seeing the love just welling up and he could feel his own body growing excited, feeling like it was once more a part of something as it was meant to be, not as it was coerced into being.

Robbie reached up with his hands and held Josh’s face between his hands, staring into the fullness of his lover’s face, seeing it all there, knowing that he was indeed finally able to have a safe haven, a place he could call home and there was more too. The idea that at last he had a home that was one, that would give him not just shelter and food but safety, security, and love was more than he had dreamed of for a long time. Those dreams had vanished long before he was 14 even and he closed his eyes as he let his head move forward, tilting to one side.

Joel had crept down the stairs, trying not to make any noise in case Josh and Robbie were sleeping. It was kind of strange really, and he kept telling himself that there was nothing to freak out about; but still, the idea that he would see them together in a bed was rather daunting. Despite everything that had gone on, he still wasn’t certain about all this gay stuff. He knew it was confusing to his parent too and yet they had opened their home to Robbie without even a thought it seemed.

The basement had one of those hide-a-beds and the room was glowing from the sun. The curtains down here were sheer really so it wasn’t a surprise for him to be able to see so clearly but long before he came to the bottom of the stairs he could hear the murmur of voices and he knew that Josh and Robbie were awake. He stopped a few steps before the bottom, listening to them talk and while he knew it wasn’t right, he was fascinated at listening to them tell each other how much the other meant to them. It was like listening to a school friend telling a girl and yet it was different.

There was no mistaking the depths of sincerity in the voices, the way his brother spoke he could tell that every word was coming from his heart and he didn’t know why, but he could feel the tears rolling down his face. It didn’t make sense, why should he tear up like this just cause Josh was being mushy with some guy? It wasn’t that he was upset or angry about it, just sort of well, to be honest with himself, he sort of felt a bit jealous of Robbie. In some small way he felt like Robbie was maybe taking his place in Josh’s heart but that was silly, wasn’t it?

Quietly he sat down on the last step as he became engrossed in listening to his brother and Robbie talk. He could feel Robbie’s pain even here and he wondered how Josh was managing to hold up because he sure as hell wasn’t. He was afraid he’d ruin it all by going upstairs; afraid they would hear him and he didn’t know what to do. If he made a noise they might think he had been listening to them but he couldn’t help himself, it was something rather exciting about listening in on two people in love, especially when one was your older brother and the other was actually rather like a local sports celebrity.

He still thought of Robbie that way but seeing him sitting between his mother and Josh earlier this morning, all he could see was a young man all alone; and that had made him sad, not just because Justin was dead, but because Robbie had no one to turn to, no real blood family it seemed, and yet, seeing him in his mother’s arms, watching her pat his head, it all seemed like it was where Robbie belonged.

Joel knew he couldn’t just sit here all afternoon and besides, if he didn’t move soon his mother would eventually poke her head down the stairwell and holler for him and Josh too, then he’d be cooked for sure. Somehow he knew that when he stood up and turned the corner that he would walk in on something he had never seen. He couldn’t explain it and he felt a bit frightened too but he stood up tall, wiping his hands on his jeans and turned the corner to see Robbie holding Josh’s face in his hands.

His eyes were glued to the spot that was clear for now, as he saw his brother’s eyelashes glint in the sunlight and close shut, his head tilting to one side as Robbie’s face tilted the other way and he felt himself licking his lips as he watched the two faces come together. That empty space now filled by their heads and he could see the embrace, the way the lips touched and his heart skipped a beat or two.

Anger flashed in front of him as he saw Robbie’s lips touching his brothers and he felt his hands ball up into a fist as the sight was raising his blood pressure, but then, just as quickly as the anger had come, it passed and instead he saw the way the two mouths locked together. He had kissed many girls, felt really passionate with them too and yet none of that was as tender or passionate as what he was watching. And he began to wonder if what he had experienced was as Josh had said, that it was just playing at love, while what he was seeing was the real thing.

Questions began to form in his mind and he felt his hands relax as he stared at the two naked bodies. It just began to dawn on him that both of them were stark naked when he coughed, surprised that he hadn’t noticed that before and before he could stifle the noise it echoed in the room and both Josh and Robbie broke apart to stare at him. It was funny how Josh just looked at him, a slow smile on his face, but Robbie looked terrified. His eyes were filled with horror even and he grabbed for the bed sheet, covering his groin, but not before Joel noticed that Robbie was fully erect.

Strange, he had seen naked bodies before, in the locker rooms and showers and some were hard but seeing Robbie’s erect penis didn’t make him squirm like he thought it would. All it did was make him look away and towards his brother. Josh too was hard, something Joel had never really seen before, but it didn’t seem to matter. Instead, his eyes locked onto Josh’s face, and he felt a strange warmth running through his body because all he saw in Josh’s face was love.

Josh “What’s up, Joel?”
Joel “Uh, well, I think I’ll plead the fifth, haha, uh sorry
to interrupt, uh, mom wants you two upstairs. She’s
been cooking up a storm, figures you would be hungry.”

Josh “The fifth huh? Okay, uh, you okay?”
Joel “Huh? Uh, yeah, yeah I am Josh, thanks.”
Josh “Okay, uh, well uh tell mama we’ll be up in a
couple.”

Joel “Yeah sure, uh you need anything from upstairs?
Soap? Clean clothes?”
Josh “No, we’ll get what we need after, is Mama okay?”
Joel “Yeah, she’s worried about you… uh both of you,
anyways…”
Josh “Okay, we’ll be right up.”
Joel “Okay, uh Robbie?”
Robbie “Huh? Uh, sorry, yeah?”
Joel “You okay?”
Robbie “I guess, uh, yeah, thanks.”

Joel wasn’t sure why, but he couldn’t just go upstairs without doing it. He walked over to the bed and reached out and gave his brother a hug; he pulled back and looked into his eyes, tears rolling down his face as he smiled, then he turned and looked at Robbie. He could see Robbie had more tears in his eyes, too, and his heart felt so sad for him. He couldn’t help himself and he reached over and hugged Robbie too, smelling his own brother on Robbie’s neck; and then he pulled back, and for some strange reason, he ran the back of his hand down the side of Robbie’s tear stained cheek and then bent over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

He didn’t know why he did it, just that he had to and he was a little afraid that Robbie would be mad or that Josh would; but after, he leaned back and stood up straight, looking down at Robbie’s stunned face and he smiled at him and then he turned to look once more at Josh. He could see the pride in Josh’s face and that made it all worth while as he turned and thundered up the stairs, taking them two at a time.