Chapter 20

Part 1

Pastor Johnson stared at the old screen door knowing that this was perhaps the worse part of his job and also perhaps one of the most important parts. How do you tell a grandfather or parent that their grandson or son has passed away? How do you help them make sense out of something that really didn’t make any sense or have any reason to it? Yet it was his duty as the spiritual advisor to do just that and thank God he hadn’t had to do it often, but still it wasn’t something that he could avoid. Tommy had surprised him when he had come to seek his help and now here he was, about to tell him that one of his grandchildren was dead.

He started to reach out to ring the doorbell and he noticed how his hand shook. This whole thing with the Fisher’s had gotten to him. First the grandfather, Tommy, and then the whole episode with Rabbi Goldberg and his family, and then Sharon and Walter and it was no wonder his hand was shaking. It still didn’t make any sense to him, how a perfectly healthy young boy like Justin could be happy one minute and dead the next but then he had to admit, he really hadn’t seen Justin overly happy. That wasn’t to say he didn’t laugh or smile, just that it always seemed to be forced, as if he wanted to let go but couldn’t, sort of well, sort of like something was always holding him back. Robbie had been the same way too now that he thought about it and even Sharon always seemed to be walking on tiptoes. None of it made much sense to him and yet just a short time ago, the way Walter had assumed the mantle of grieving father, ushering in the arriving members of the congregation who came to help out, it was like, well like he was revelling in the attention.

The time he had spent waiting for his wife to arrive was perhaps the most awkward 90 minutes he had known in a long time. It was like he had walked into an armed camp the way Sharon sat at one end of the room, Walter at the other. Every few minutes they would steal glances at the other, as if checking to make sure that nothing untoward was said or done. He also had to admit that he was surprised at the lack of emotion that Sharon was displaying. No real tears flowed from her and yet he knew she loved her sons, and yet almost nothing. When a tear did come she managed to quickly eradicate it, as if it offended her and yet her eyes spoke volumes. If he didn’t know any better he would say that they held hatred and contempt instead of sorrow and pain but he had to be wrong, or at least he prayed that he was wrong.

Conversation had been stilted and several minutes passed in awkward silence throughout the 90 minutes as he tried to console the two parents. It wasn’t like any other time, and it troubled him greatly how Walter acted when he mentioned Robbie’s name. The man almost flew from his chair and the anger in his voice was unbelievable. The words themselves were cruel and vicious and yet Sharon said nothing, she just stared at Walter with a look that could have frozen ice. He couldn’t figure it out and when his wife had finally shown up with two other ladies from the sisterhood he felt relieved if not downright happy.

He shook his head as his finger jabbed at the doorbell, an effort to try and get his mind back onto the moment at hand, to the painful moment when he would have to tell a man that a young life, precious and dear to him was no more. He felt the ache deeply in his own heart even though he had barely known Justin Fisher or even Robbie Fisher. It was strange too, how he could see people on a regular basis, talk with them after a sermon or event and yet know absolutely nothing about them. Strange too how despite all that he could sense things about them, like how he had always taken Sharon for being weak and yet now he knew in his heart that he had been wrong, that she was far from weak.

Before he could finish that wild thought, before he could try and put into words what he had been thinking the old wooden door opened and the vision of an old tired man appeared before him. His heart grew sombre now as he stared into the surprised face of the man who had started this whole chain of events for him.

Tommy “Pastor Johnson, this is a surprise, please come in.”

Walking into Tommy’s home was like walking into a museum. Everything looked the same as it had just before the passing of Tommy’s wife not all that long ago. It was just as he had remembered it, the pictures on the wall, the old style frames of more photographs over on the piano by the corner of the room and the smell of lavender still permeated the entire place. It was almost as if she hadn’t gone but he knew she had, he had presided over her funeral and burial. It was as if Tommy had simply stood still in the house, keeping it all the same as if she were due back from a shopping trip or day at the beauty parlour, and yet there was a difference too. The old man moved slower and had more of a stoop than he recalled and as he walked inside of the living room, taking a seat on the couch, he knew that this would break what was left of the old man’s heart.

Pastor Deke Johnson “Thank you Tommy, I am sorry to drop by like this, unannounced so to speak.”

Tommy “Oh that’s okay, I don’t entertain much. Please take a seat, do you have any news about Robbie?”

Pastor Deke “Uh, yes I do, but that isn’t why I have come by Tommy, I, I am afraid I have some rather bad news for you.”

He saw the sudden look of terror on the man’s face but it was quickly shut aside, quickly placed back behind the invisible wall that all men seemed to have. Pastor Deke could smell the fear though as Tommy’s voice grew soft and frightened.

Tommy “Bad news? Is Robbie okay? I mean, he is okay isn’t he?”

Pastor Deke “Yes, he is at Rabbi Goldberg’s home now, but that isn’t the, Tommy, please, there isn’t an easy way to say this, but I am afraid that your grandson Justin has passed away.”

Tommy leaned back into the huge armchair that he had sat in and just stared at Pastor Johnson. His heart was thundering and he felt dizzy as the room started to spin around and he blinked several times, unsure what to do or say. Tears began to well up in his eyes as he turned his face away from the Pastor and his gaze fell upon two silver framed photographs. He saw the brooding eyes of Robbie looking at him and next to that picture was one of Justin, young sweet Justin who’s own eyes had the same haunting look in them as Robbie’s did. His heart grew quiet now as he looked at the two boys and he felt his hand shaking as he tried to wipe his eyes, tried to slow the mounting river of tears that began to tumble from the corners of his eyes.

Tommy “How? How did it happen?”

Pastor Deke “I am not too sure Tommy. He fell off a trail bike and it seemed to have caused some internal injuries, no one knew he was hurt Tommy. They tried their best to save him but they just couldn’t, it just was his time old friend, I am so sorry.”

Tommy “Trail bike? He was up at the cabin was he?”

Pastor Deke “Uh, yes he had gone up with Walter for the day, at least he had that time Tommy, at least his last day had been filled with joy and fun.”

Tommy “Fun? Joy? No Pastor, he had none of that, his father perhaps but not him… how is Sharon handling this? I suppose I should go there, is Robbie on his way or… he was only 16 Pastor, too young for this, too young.”

Pastor Johnson looked closely at Tommy Fisher, wondering if perhaps the old man was okay or if he should call for a doctor? The way he spoke and looked, almost as if death were sitting on the man’s shoulder, waiting for him. The colour had drained from his face and his voice had a soft lilt to it that was hard to understand but the words, they made no sense to him and yet Tommy spoke them clearly enough. Why did he insist that Justin didn’t have a day filled with joy and fun? What was it that Tommy seemed to know or was it just his grief, his own anger at Walter?

Pastor Deke “Any time a child passes away it is too soon Tommy, but it just was his time it seems. The Doctor’s tried their best, he just, he just didn’t get to them in time and you can’t blame anyone Tommy, there was nothing anyone could have done. He didn’t tell anyone he was hurt, perhaps he himself didn’t know until it was too late. Please, you have to try and understand, your family is going to need you now Tommy.”

Tommy looked at the Pastor and saw his anxious face. He just didn’t understand and he doubted if he could make him understand but he had to try. Slowly he raised himself from the chair and walked over to where the two photographs stood and he picked up the one of Robbie, looking at the young boy who stared back at him. It had been taken when Robbie was just 16, was just starting to show his skills as an athlete and now that was all gone too. The tears rolled down his face, the back of his hand constantly moving up to wipe them away but more always there to take the place of those wiped aside. His aged hand now set down the one picture and reached for the other, the one of the 13 year old Justin, and he felt his heart ripping apart once more.

Once again he was left alone to face the world and to face the demons that to this very second were always there next to him. He could see their gaunt faces, the eyes buried behind the protruding bones of emancipated faces. It was like death had etched his name on each face that peered out from behind the barbed wire fences and everyone had stopped cold in their tracks as the silence grew over them all. Standing there were so many, so countless many and yet just off to one side you could still see the smoke rising from some sort of foundry type building. Huge smokestacks rising up into the air and the stench, God it was awful and even now, decades later he could smell that putrid smell.

He grabbed at the photograph, clutching it to his chest as he cried and he didn’t care what anyone thought, what the pastor must be thinking because it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered now as he let his body lean against the piano, his hands clutching at Justin’s picture, wishing that this nightmare that was his life would simply end. In that moment he knew how Robbie had felt, how much pain he had endured and why he had done what he had done. It was like a light going off inside and he straightened up, pulling the picture slowly off his heaving chest, his tear filled eyes staring down at the young face that looked up into his own.

Tommy “I am sorry Justy, I failed you and I failed your brother. I am so sorry my boy, forgive an old man; please dear God forgive me, I am so sorry.”

Before Pastor Johnson could get up, Tommy Fisher slumped to the floor, his body twisted in pain and in sorrow but his hand held tightly to the photograph of a young 13 year old Justin. The gnarled fingers were wrapped tightly around the silver edged frame, holding it as if life itself depended on it as his eyes grew dim and his body grew slack.

As he knelt by the fallen man, his cellular phone already to his ear as he waited for the 911 operator to answer, he looked down at the photograph and saw that haunting look, that sweet innocent face that looked anything but happy, anything but innocent and his heart grew quiet as he gave the operator the address and his name. There was a pulse and he knew that perhaps Tommy had merely fainted, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He stared at the old man, holding his hand in his, wondering what it was that Tommy needed forgiving for, what was it that he felt he had done so wrong that had torn into him at this moment of sorrow?

Part 2

Neil sat on his front doorstep, tears rolling down his face, which surprised him, after all men don’t cry but still, he couldn’t help it and yet, yet he felt like if he didn’t cry he would explode. It didn’t make any sense, how could Justin be dead? What the fuck had happened that could claim his life? Christ the guy was strong, had a good build, had strong legs and arms and yet he was dead. It made no sense and as he stared at his feet he wondered how Walt was taking it. God, he should go there but not this way, not with tears in his eyes cause Walt wouldn’t approve, or was this different? Was it okay for a man to cry at times like this or wasn’t it?

He wished he knew, hell he wished he could ask someone but his own father had long since departed the scene. Neil Schellenberg still remembered coming home from school, finding his mother sitting in the big easy chair crying into her hands, a neighbour, Sharon Fisher sitting on the arm of the chair, consoling her, telling her that the guy was a bum, that he wasn’t worth all the tears. He had been so frightened, so scared and as the two women realized he was there, the tears were quickly wiped away.

His mom, Marilyn, had explained it to him, not that he really understood it all that much, after all he was only 11 then and they had just moved to this area, but he figured it out fast enough. His dad had had enough it seemed, or so that was the story and he had left, for where no one knew but it meant that they were alone. It meant that he had left for school having two parents and had come home to find all he had was a mother, his father no longer a part of his life. Strange though, he was crying for Justin but back then he didn’t shed one tear for his own real father taking off. Sure he had cried at first, but that was from fear, from seeing his mother crying which always terrified him, but not one tear for his own dad leaving. Guess he knew then that the guy was a loser, and besides, the Fisher’s had been super. Robbie had taken him in like he was another kid brother and both Robbie and Justin became good friends to him, and now Justin was gone.

How does this shit happen? Who is it that sits up there and causes all this and never explains, never gives a reason for all this shit? Neil stared up at the clear blue sky, wondering what it was about God that made him so mean, so damn cruel? Okay, the guy had billions to worry about, maybe it was just too much for him, but damn it, he should at least pay some attention to the good ones, like Justin and Robbie and their father. God, poor Mr Fisher would be nuts over this, Justin was turning into a favourite, maybe not as much as he was Walt’s star pupil, but close and now it was all gone, all finished before it could even really begin. Shit, the tears just kept coming and he felt ashamed of himself, but he couldn’t stop crying as he just sat there on his front doorstep, his head in his hands, the tears seeping through the fingers as his heart throbbed and his body shook to the deep sobs that came from inside of his soul.

A lot of things were going through his young mind as he tried to understand what had happened. All he knew was that Justin had been rushed to hospital and didn’t make it, least that is what the Pastor had said. He had stopped him on his way to see if Justin was home, and Pastor Deke was coming out, and it just, it just hit him like a ton of shit falling on his head. He had begun to stammer even, something he hadn’t done for years, thanks to Walt and his help, also thanks to Robbie but in talking with the Pastor it all came back. Shit, he was losing it and as he stared at the weeds growing up between cracks in the cement steps, he wondered if Walt would still want him around. After all, Robbie had left which he still didn’t quite figure out why, and now with Justin gone it certainly didn’t seem that Walt would want to continue helping strangers like him, but then Walt did call him his adopted son, so maybe, maybe he still had a semi real dad?

Sitting there crying sure as hell wasn’t going to make Walt proud of him or want to keep him as an adopted son but he just couldn’t help it. Something inside of him was just too strong for him right now, it kept making his eyes tear up and kept showing him memories of the good times he had with Justin, and each memory only made the tears come faster and as they rolled down his face they brought more memories so it was impossible for him to stop. He hated this, being such a baby but he couldn’t stop, and so he buried his head in his hands, letting the voices within have their way, letting them give sound and sight to the pain that now grew inside of his heart.

Part 3

Cooper Strathmore sat to the left of Principal Arthur Keats and next to him was Coach Hardy and then Vice Principal Ron Cohen. Cooper still couldn’t believe the news that Coach Hardy had told them and he felt a small pang in his heart. He knew Justin, had him in his office several times at the end of last term for disciplinary measures, and he knew that the boy had troubles, but he never had been able to figure out just what it was, now it was all too late. He stared at his hands that were folded on the table as everyone was just sort of in shock. How did you cope with the loss of a student when you never expected it? Sure, they had lost a few students, mostly due to illness but there had been the one who had overdosed on cocaine, but then he was known to them for that, it hadn’t really been much of a surprise actually and there was the one who had died in a drunk driving accident, but this, this was so different and so unfathomable.

Looking at Principal Keats he saw a strange twist to his face, almost as if the man were about to cry and yet he doubted if Arthur even knew the boy. Arthur Keats was one of those career administrators, the type who played it by the book and kept the day-to-day contact with students to a minimum. Most of that he delegated to his Vice Principal and looking over at Ron he saw the tears rolling down the man’s face. It had to be extremely hard for Ron, his own boy couldn’t be more that Justin’s age, or perhaps a year younger so it had to hit home pretty hard. He was lucky in that he never married, never had children of his own to worry over but still, he could feel Justin’s loss almost as if the boy had been his own.

There had been something special about Justin, just as there had been about Robbie, his older brother, and he never could quite figure it out but he was attracted to them. There was a mystique about the two Fisher boys, the way they could laugh at a joke and yet if you looked hard into their faces, you could tell that laughter was never real, never honest mirth, that it was always forced as if given out of politeness instead of out of feeling. Funny, both boys were so much alike in that, their eyes always searching yours, as if each time they expected the person they were looking at to be hiding something from them, as if they were looking to see what secrets you had. It was an eerie feeling at times too, almost as if they seemed to be able to read your mind.

Thinking about it, he realized how the two boys were always popular in school among their classmates and yet when you talked to them, when you really tried to penetrate their youthful facades, they seemed so lonely, so grown up and lonely. It was almost as if everything they did was for one purpose, one simple goal and no matter how many people hung out with them, sought their company, they always seemed like they were alone, just them and no one else. Even when together, side-by-side, you would look at them and swear that they were both lost on some island, no one around but themselves. It really had been puzzling to him, and yet there was no denying their popularity. Robbie had been so out-going or so it seemed, yet if anything he was less polished at hiding his loneliness than Justin was, but perhaps that was what troubled him, how Justin was a carbon copy, but just a touch more refined, more polished.

Arthur Keats didn’t like these types of meetings, he felt uncomfortable discussing emotional issues and yet it was his duty as the head of the school to supervise this meeting. There would have to be some student assembly, that he knew, and he already was going over possible comments that he would make but for the most part he thought that Coach Hardy and Cooper Strathmore would handle the bulk of the public speaking. His only concern was how to let the parents know about this, how to best put it forward without them thinking that his school’s sports department was in any way involved or his teachers either. He knew Walt, liked the man for being a plain speaker and for being an exceptional father. The man attended all of his boys’ games, and despite his disability he never failed to attend any special meeting or failed to help in any fundraiser for the athletic department. Many of the kids,if not all of them involved in sports, knew Walt Fisher, so he knew that it would be remiss if he didn’t at least make some comments, what exactly he wasn’t certain yet but something appropriate.

He knew Walt was an old sea dog, had a bit of a temper and all and his mouth sure had gotten him into trouble once or twice, but there wasn’t a more devoted father in the entire student body, that he could certainly attest to. Sure, there had been a few complaints from some parents, but he knew Walt, knew him well enough to disregard those few wild accusations back when Walt had been a school bus driver for the district. Walt maintained discipline on his buses and ever since the accident he had been sorely missed. His route was always done on time, and his buses always came with students quiet and well behaved, unlike the others; so yeah, some parents objected to perhaps the man’s methods, but he got results and to Arthur Keats, that was everything. It didn’t matter so much how you got those results, just as long as you got them and Walter Fisher certainly delivered in that area.

Arthur had even turned a blind eye to some of the stunts Walt’s boys had done, knowing that a simple call to Walt would do more good than any lecture or suspension he or the school could dish out. Walt kept a tight rein on those boys and it showed in their sports. They were both superstars and even though Robbie turned out to be a disappointment after graduation, Justin had a lot more promise. He was quicker, and certainly more polished than Robbie, but while they had both excelled at basketball, he did have to admit that their scholastic grades were less than spectacular. Walt though didn’t seem to mind that part too much and if Walter Fisher had any real flaw, that was it. He just didn’t see the importance of schoolwork per se but then the boys had enough talent that they might not really need to be honour students.

Sam’s news had shaken him more than he thought possible. Ron Cohen was only 40 years old and death was still something he hadn’t much experience in dealing with. His parents were still alive, only just now nearing retirement age and both thank God were healthy as horses so it was strange for him to sit here, knowing that several blocks away a family much like his own were having to deal with the tragic loss of a child. His own son, Kyle, was one year younger than Justin Fisher and he said a quick prayer, asking God to keep looking after his boy and two girls as well.

He had spent the first four years of his time in Victoria as a teacher and boys’ councillor at Reynolds school; the promotion to Vice Principal had meant a change to Mount Douglas, which he hadn’t really minded. His own boy was scheduled to attend Mount Doug so it would make it easier for him and besides, the raise in salary would help them pay off that mortgage faster and they could perhaps even afford a few more luxuries. Arthur Keats was easy to get along with, as long as he kept himself between Arthur and the students and kept contact between Arthur and the teachers to a minimum he knew he would get good reports. He really didn’t mind either, because it made him feel so alive to work closely with both students and teachers, to do what he had wanted from the beginning, to pass along knowledge. Hell he still took two classes every semester simply because he enjoyed the thrill of teaching, of seeing the way a child’s face would light up when they got it, when they finally broke through the barriers and actually understood something. There wasn’t anything better in his mind, at least professionally there wasn’t.

Robbie Fisher had been one of his students last year and he had been impressed by the boy’s quietness, the way he followed the course and yet hardly ever spoke and yet when he did, you could tell he had a mind that was like a steel trap. It was one of those minds that thirsted for knowledge, that craved knowing more and yet the boy’s grades where never more than average, never more than a B minus, which didn’t fit. He knew that Robbie understood the class, had grasped many of the things he had tried to teach and yet he consistently refused to show his knowledge, to prove that he had learned the material beyond a certain level. It was almost as if he were hiding his intelligence, as if it weres a secret that he didn’t want to share but there had been flashes, had been moments that had given Ron hope. Now, now it was all mixed up into some strange weird mess that puzzled him deeply.

The one thing he did know he would do immediately following this meeting would be to call his wife and then arrange to take them all out for dinner, even if it were to MacDonald’s. He just didn’t want to let the day pass without holding his family close, and that was one thing that death seemed to always do, it made you think about those closest to you, or at least he thought it did. He also knew he would have to pay his respects to Walter Fisher which was something he really wasn’t looking forward to. The man was an egotist and worse, a bully and a racist, least as far as he was concerned. He just didn’t understand people like Walter Fisher. He seemed always so angry. Every time you saw him you wondered if he were going to shake your hand or punch you in the face and that was on social gatherings, never mind when it involved a transgression of one of the boys. He was such a volatile man that Ron wondered if that were perhaps why the boys always seemed watchful?

Sam still found it hard to believe that Justin Fisher was dead. He hadn’t been able to get much details and he knew it would all have to wait until he could get over to the Fisher home, which would be right after this hastily called meeting. There was no doubt in his mind that they would be in for a rough time over the next few days thanks to that scum Askew and his so called local television station. Local his ass, they did most of their stuff from Vancouver studios which was one reason the CRTC[1. Canadian Radio & Television Commission, federal governing authority over the telecommunications industry] had allowed for another local station to hit the airwaves. Mind you it was no better either, mostly hack crap but at least so far they hadn’t come snooping around asking questions like Askew had. Damn the bastard, Justin and his brother shouldn’t have to be held up to such nonsense, least of all Robbie who it seemed had enough to deal with without being held up as some homo. God, could Askew have been right, was Robbie really queer? Shit, he could just imagine the phone calls he would receive on that one once it broke.

Coach Sam Hardy “There is something else we better be prepared for, uh, this isn’t exactly good timing, but it most likely is going to come out at the same time that Justin’s death makes the news.”

Principal Keats “Oh? What is this other matter?”

Boy’s Councillor Cooper Strathmore “Yeah Sam, what else could there be?”

Sam raised his head up from his chest, his eyes a bit bloodshot but that was about it. He looked around at the men seated there and wondered how they would take the rest of the news? Strange, he never really thought about it much but he didn’t really know these men, know what they thought about things like homosexuals, or anything else. Strange, you work with people for years, longer in some cases, and you were still just strangers.

Sam “Well, from what the CH reporter said, seems that Robbie Fisher was already at the hospital, uh, he was being treated for an apparent suicide attempt.”

Vice Principal Ron Cohen “Shit!”

Principal Keats hated foul language even if he did use it himself on occasion but he tried to run ‘g’ rated meetings. He had his code and his rules and swearing wasn’t accepted practise. He knew that his Vice Principal on the other hand had a tendency to be the opposite, which did irritate him a little but other than that, the man did his work efficiently so he didn’t make much of an issue about it.

Arthur “Mr. Cohen Please! Coach, are you certain of this?”

Sam “I am not certain of anything really, but that’s just, hell, supposedly, damn, I just can’t believe it.”

Cooper “What? There is more?”

Sam “Oh yeah.”

His irritation was starting to show as he stared at the Coach. Arthur just didn’t like his teachers swearing and he wished they would stop it. Sometimes he wondered if they weren’t doing it on purpose, to test him or more likely to needle him. Well he really didn’t care which it was just that it would stop. There were enough swearing by the students or their parents and he really did object to it.

Arthur “Let’s try to remain calm, I know this is a difficult moment for us, our emotions are all topsy turvy, but let’s please have some decorum. Now Coach, just what else is there?”

Sam “Well, according to the reporter, Robbie Fisher tried to kill himself a few days ago, because he was gay. There, I said it, sorry but it is going to be out there and well…”

Gay? That was Robbie’s reason? No, there had to be something far more serious than that to make the boy he knew try to kill himself. Robbie Fisher might be gay, might be a real ‘flamer’ as the saying went but it wouldn’t be enough to send him over the edge, least not the Robbie Fisher he had known. Besides, while Victoria certainly was no Gay Mecca, it also wasn’t a Laramie, Wyoming either. No, from what he knew of the boy that just couldn’t be enough of a reason, there had to be more and if there were, then the burning sensation in his stomach would only get worse, that he was certain of.

Ron “Gay? I don’t, why would that make him attempt suicide?”

Cooper “Robbie Fisher, queer? I don’t believe it Sam, why he was in my office often for complaints of how he was chasing girls, are you sure about this?”

Sam “I am not sure of anything Coop, all I know is what the reporter said.”

Ron “But, I mean if he were, so what? What’s the big megillah? Oh, sorry, big deal, I mean lots of kids are gay or think they are, why would that drive someone like him to suicide?”

Sam “You don’t understand Ron. If he were gay and just an ordinary student, most likely no big deal; but he was a star, a real talent, and that is a big deal and honestly, maybe back East where you come from its no big deal but it sure is here. There are those who are really uptight about queers, and I am not sure I disagree on it, but that isn’t my point…”

Cooper “What is your point Sam?”

Sam “The parents, I mean they are going to want to know if we knew, and if there were any hanky panky that we were covering up, shit, sorry Arthur. Uh just look at how the papers and television have been playing all this up about the Priests or those teachers down in Seattle…”

He really didn’t like Coach Hardy, the way he walked around the building in his gym shorts or those track outfits of his. They seemed so out of place in a building dedicated to education but then, the team had won last year and that did get him some added social engagements. So he guessed he could put up with the Coach’s attire, mind you his status might just have changed now that his star player was dead. This really was a mess and he wished he didn’t have to deal with it. The very idea that any of his parents would think that his school was like some of those in Seattle. That was simply absurd; besides this wasn’t the ‘States,’ it was Canada and more than that, it was ‘Victoria’. Things like teachers being sexually involved with their students just didn’t happen up here, or at least if it did, it was dealt with quietly and without fuss. Certainly not like in the ‘states’ where it was front-page news and all over the local television news. No, the Coach was simply over-reacting as usual, and it would be up to him to keep him in check so that he didn’t give any credence to such rumours should they rise up.

Arthur “Well that is Seattle and not here Sam, I don’t think we have much to worry on that score, but it could lead to some questions. But surely the television station will show some decorum, at least for the family?”

‘You are such a pompous ass at times Arthur,’ Coach Hardy thought as he stared at the man seated almost across from him. Just looking at him, the way he wore a three piece business suit to school virtually every day, the way he had his hair constantly parted and trimmed to the exact measurement, clearly showed him that Arthur wasn’t a tower of strength or decency, just another nameless bureaucrat. About the only benefit he could see in having Arthur was that he would at least know the best ways to cover one’s ass, and that might just be what they’d need before this thing with Justin was over with. Damn he still couldn’t believe it, Justin dead and yet here he was, thinking only about the mess it was causing; but a boy was dead and he still didn’t even know how or why and already they were gathering to cover their butts. What an absolutely crazy and sick world they lived in, absolutely crazy.

Sam “No Arthur, they won’t, they smell a story and even if there isn’t one, well, you know how the media are, anything for a few extra ratings.”

To some extent he had to agree with what the coach was saying, the trouble was he just couldn’t accept it. How could any responsible adult, any human being who had an ounce of decency play up such a thing while a family was going through the sudden loss of a child? Was the human race so cruel that its only interest was in gloating over someone’s tragedy? He knew that such people existed and there was no doubt that the press was like a bunch of rabid dogs at times but surely in this instance they would hold back?

God who was he kidding as he looked at Coach Hardy and realized just how much the man was really frightened by the prospect of a media circus. He couldn’t blame him because being the Coach of both boys, his name would get the most air time and yet, well, how could he coach both boys and not know that one might be gay? Granted, it shouldn’t matter and he himself perhaps should have seen the signs, but did it really matter in the grand scheme of life? What difference should it make to how one remembered a young man? Was Justin’s life to be forever linked now to scandal simply because some reporter wanted to gain rating points?

Ron “I just don’t see it, I mean they can make some innuendo I suppose, but what proof do they have? I can’t see it, not in this day and age.”

Sam “Well, I think that they may have proof, least that was the impression I got from the reporter; but uh, well, there is another angle that we better get ready for.”

Arthur “Oh this is too much, there is more?”

Sam “I am afraid so, I suppose I should have mentioned it before now, but it was all unofficial then, and…”

There were one or two words that would make him break out in a sweat and ‘unofficial’ was definitely one of those words. His eyes narrowed as he sat upright in the leather chair and stared at the Coach. Damn the man seemed to be full of rotten news today and his dislike for the Coach only grew as he waited for more unsettling news.

Arthur “Unofficial? What was ‘unofficial,’ Coach?”

Sam “I had a call from a social services worker, think we all know her, Ms Debbie Winston?”

Cooper Strathmore had enjoyed his position, never really thought much about advancement and even the hiring of Ron Cohen over him hadn’t really bothered him too much. Besides, young Cohen wasn’t pushy, he even deferred to him at times, which he found refreshing for someone of his ilk, and still perhaps he should be more cautious. Looking around the men seated at the table, he felt rather chilled at how they were all being so careful, so polite and yet he could tell, could see how their minds were working, thinking of how this poor boy’s death affected them, their standing in the pecking order. It just didn’t seem to cross their thoughts that a fine young specimen of manhood was dead, that his spirit had been snuffed out, instead they were all worrying about what it would mean to them. He shook his head as he added his own snippets to the conversation, just to keep them from looking in his direction.

Cooper “Christ, her? What did she want?”

Ron “Isn’t she the one who, oiy vey, this is getting crazy, what did she want?”

Sam “She wanted to look at both Robbie and Justin Fisher’s records, I didn’t see any harm, besides she said if I co-operated then she could keep it unofficial. If I didn’t, well she’d have to go to her superiors, so I let her see them. Now don’t panic, she told me it was background because of Robbie, she was handling his suicide attempt for the department, least that was then.”

Arthur “I think you over stepped your authority Coach, you should have at least consulted with Ron here, and we may have to discuss this later, in private.”

Cooper “What do you mean ‘then’ Sam?”

Sam “Well, on my way here she called. She’s sending a courier for the Fisher files, and its official, she has an order to take them. She said she had tried to get in touch with you, Ron, but you were out of the office. She said she was giving me the courtesy of a call because of my help. Sorry Arthur but she refused to back off, and I guess we can’t really blame her, after all Justin is only, shit, he was only 16, its in her jurisdiction.”

Cooper “What is it that she hopes to find?”

He watched at how each of the men looked so blank, so clueless as to what was going on around them but he knew, he knew the minute that Sam had mentioned Ms. Winston what was happening and he felt sick to his stomach. Well it was bound to happen, even here in Victoria and he knew that it was only a matter of time before the shit would really hit the fan. Looking at the men arrayed around him, he wondered how they would each deal with it if his thoughts were right? Would Sam for instance be able to keep his cool and deal calmly with it or would he fall apart and become a stereotypical jock? Would he throw tantrums and pound the table with his fists or would he be reasonable and just shake his head?

What about good old Arthur, would he rise to the occasion or would he revert to type and hide behind some administrator’s code of ethics and refuse comment? Staring at Arthur he was certain that he would run true to form and that whatever did come to light, Arthur would escape any retribution simply because he always covered his tracks well.

Turning his gaze towards Ron Cohen he found himself staring into the brown eyes of the man himself. There was something troubling in that look and for the life of him; he really didn’t know how the Vice Principal would react to the eventual news. He wasn’t all that readable, not like Coach Hardy was or how easy Arthur was to read, there was something he was perhaps missing but he didn’t think that Ron Cohen would be any different that any of his colleagues. He would show shock, show contempt perhaps, but he too would fall in line, would take the standard professional line and hope that it would all just disappear. No, no one at this table would take any action that might lead to ending this vicious cycle that he knew existed, that he knew was here in his own private kingdom.

Sam “I don’t know Coop, she did ask me though if I had any knowledge of Justin or Robbie being sexually uh, hell, she wanted to know if I thought they were involved with each other.”

Arthur “Oh shit, uh, sorry gentlemen… well, this is a real mess we seem to be in, uh, Coach, were they? I mean…”

The idea that both of his superstars might actually be gay was too much for his mind to comprehend. There was no way that Justin and Robbie were, were involved and he hated Arthur for even thinking it might be true. How could they all just sit here so calmly and discuss this? Didn’t any of them care about the kids they were hired to teach, to mould? Wasn’t that what had made them all become educators, to reach out and mould fine young boys and girls into fine upstanding citizens? Or perhaps he was being idealistic again, or maybe he was just over reacting to the raging emotions inside of him; but damn it, he hadn’t become a Coach simply to win basketball championships, had he?

Sam “NO! No Arthur, least not that I knew of, hell, I didn’t even think that either of them were fags. I mean, hell, that Robbie was always chasing the girls, Justin too, so no, I had no idea.”

Ron “Perhaps that should have been our clue, all that chasing, maybe it was simply an act, a way to hide the truth or deflect any such comments?”

Cooper “Could be Ron, I don’t know. I don’t think Justin was that clever; Robbie perhaps, but not Justin.”

Ron “Are you sure? From all accounts I have heard of him, he was more intelligent than Robbie and him I have first hand knowledge of , I can tell you he had a very sharp mind.”

There was something perplexing about Cooper. The way he looked at him earlier was almost like he was trying to read him, trying to see how he would react to something that he was pondering and yet in some way it seem sinister, almost malicious but that couldn’t be, could it? He just knew that all this talk about gays and all was not something that they should be talking about. They should be trying to figure out how to help those students who would need consoling, need help in coping with the loss of a popular classmate, instead it seemed they were all trying to cover their backsides.

Eighteen years ago he had gotten his teachers’ certificate, it had been a proud moment for him and he liked to think it was still a major accomplishment in his life. Sure, marrying Susan the year earlier had been right up there, so too had been the birth of his son Kyle, but teaching, now that was something that drove him, made him who he was and here he was, lost in trying to come up with how to react to questions about a student’s lifestyle instead of trying to wonder how the poor boy’s family was coping. It was indeed topsy-turvy as Arthur had said, but not in the way he had meant.

Somewhere along the line of getting to this point in his chosen profession, he had lost sight maybe of why he had become an educator. Maybe there was some justification for wanting to be protected, to have answers before the questions were asked, but if a person had truth on his side, what did he have to fear? Why should everyone here be so frightened of accusations from some news reporter? Surely the world they were living in wasn’t that callous as to take the death of a young man and turn it into a witch hunt, or was it?

Sam “Robbie? Come on Ron, he was a ‘c’ average student at best.”

Ron “Oh sure, that was his grade, but he was far more intelligent than the grade he ever got, and the more I think of it, the more certain I am that he deliberately held back, kept himself at that ‘c’ level and that takes brains gentlemen, lots of it too!”

No one really had much of an answer to that as they were all still in shock at all that was happening around them. First to have to deal with the death of a student was never easy, but to lose one that they all knew, that had such talent, and then to find out that there were deep dark secrets perhaps about just who the student really was, with it was too much even for grown men. The trouble too was that as they all sat there, lost in their own thoughts that they had forgotten that a boy was dead and that another had tried to kill himself, all under their own noses. They were the adults in charge, the people paid to spot danger signs, paid to educate and protect even those entrusted in their care and here they had failed, not just with one but perhaps two of their charges.

Arthur “Is there anything else, Coach?”

Sam “No Arthur, least not that I know about… yet.”

Cooper “You don’t sound convinced, Sam.”

Sam “I am not, Coop. I don’t know, I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, not just for Justin’s death, but this whole thing with Robbie and with the reporter. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think last year’s case will look mild compared to this.”

Arthur recalled that child abuse case vividly and he stared at the Coach as if the man were the devil himself for bringing that painful memory back to light. No, the man had to be wrong and after all, a young boy had died, there would naturally be some investigation by social services and any such investigation would have to look at the school records. No, Sam was wrong, this wasn’t anything like last years incident, he would bet the farm on that. After all, Walter Fisher was a model parent, it wasn’t his fault if his oldest had chosen a deviant lifestyle or that his youngest had suffered at the cruel hand of fate. No, the man was simply barking up the wrong tree; he was just a phsys ed instructor, not like he was a real teacher.

Arthur “Oh come on now, I think you are just in shock, since your entire season went down the drain with young Justin’s demise. Perhaps you are not thinking clearly, we are safe, there is no way we could have foreseen him having such a tragic accident; and as for the other, well it might make a few parents nervous but I think we can simply deny any knowledge, and keep it that way; after all it is the truth, isn’t it?”

Cooper “I suppose you are right Arthur, no sense in trying to worry about something that should pass in a day or two.”

Sam “I disagree but maybe you are right Arthur; maybe I am in shock still.”

Ron “Well, I don’t get it at all but I have to concur. I doubt if this reporter will do more than stir the pot a little and if we follow a simple line of no comment out of respect for the grieving family, we should be able to avoid most, if not all, of the hysteria.”

Cooper “I agree, Sam?”

Sam “No argument from me, just hope you three are right is all, well… I should get going, I don’t relish this. Walter Fisher is not the easiest at the best of times!”

Arthur “Walter Fisher has a lot to deal with Coach, I hope you will be discreet in any conversation you may have with him. Now, I suppose we should get back to work, at least this didn’t happen during school, hard enough as it is. Well, Coach you will tell Mr. Fisher that I’ll be by later? Ron, you will get the Fisher files together for Ms. Winston, perhaps maybe you should give her a call too, see just what it is that has her harassing us?”

Sam “I will Arthur.”

Ron “I was planning on doing that Arthur; uh Sam, I’ll need to talk to you later. You planning to come back to school after you visit the Fishers?”

Sam “Uh, no, no I think I’ll call it a day, not sure how long I’ll be there either, it could be, well…”

He let the words trail off, lost in the thought of what Walter Fisher might be feeling, wondering how the boy’s mother was coping and wondering too if any of the story that Gordie Askew had told him was remotely true. Searching his mind he really didn’t think that Robbie was that way, that it was something else but what else could be so bad that it would make Robbie try to kill himself? He never struck him as the type who would do that, not in a million years and yet it seemed he had. What else was he wrong about? The thought sent a chill up his spine and the burning taste of acid at the back of his throat almost made him choke as he reached into his sweat pants pocket for the roll of Tums.

Cooper “You might want to ask our Ms. Winston about getting some grief councillors over too Ron; after all that too is her department.”

Ron “Yes, thank you Cooper, I will.”

Part 4

Marilyn Schellenberg had worked hard to achieve her position as Head of the department. It had been a long struggle and she knew some of the people who worked under her didn’t like her, but that was too bad. Her department constantly was receiving awards and was constantly in the top tier of revenue generated. The staff may not always like her rules but they sure enjoyed the bonus cheques at the end of each quarter. The commission cheques weren’t exactly penny ante either so they may not like her but she did get results. In some ways it bothered her, but she too liked those bonus cheques and as she was a single parent, it was even more important for her and her son.

She was fortunate too with her neighbours, especially the Fisher’s who had come to her rescue years ago when that slug of a husband had finally shown his true colours and walked out on her for some pretty little coed. Well, here she was and she was tops in her field, her son was a starter for a championship high school basketball team, had good decent grades and her ex? He was driving a truck for some two-bit outfit out of Hope. It kind of fit that he should be struggling, after the crummy way he had left her, high and dry and worse, he had drained their joint account and if it hadn’t been for Walter Fisher, well she would have had to go onto Welfare, but he had come to her rescue. He was a saint as far as she was concerned and she knew that her son Neil worshipped the ground the man walked on.

Funny really how she had been thinking about all this lately, how she had been mulling it all over in her head, and she couldn’t quite figure out why either. Maybe it had something to do with the way Neil kept disappearing over to the Fisher’s, even when Justin wasn’t home but then Walt had become more like a father to Neil than anything else. Christ the man had spent hours upon hours working with Neil helping him get over his stuttering problem when he was just an awkward teenager. She had to smile at that and yet, well lately she just didn’t know why but she was beginning to resent the weekend trips that Walt would take to their cabin with Neil. It was almost, no, she couldn’t put it that way, it was perhaps that ever since his accident, Walt had a lot more time than other men so he could afford to spend more time with kids. It just, was well she knew something had happened several months back, with Robbie and even Sharon seemed upset about it, yet Sharon didn’t seem to know anything about what had happened.

Marilyn knew it had bothered Neil too, but he never seemed to let on if anything was bothering him. He was acting a bit strange himself, and she knew he was having troubles sleeping lately and she had almost decided that she would go and talk it over with Sharon and Walter before it got out of hand. Walt would most likely know and why he didn’t always seem the most open of people, she knew she could talk to him. Hell, he had been there for her when she most needed it, both he and Sharon and she thanked her lucky stars for people like the Fishers. Without them she doubted if she could be where she was now.

Marilyn Schellenberg turned her head as she heard the phone ring and watched as the new clerk, Susan Cohen, answered the phone. She was impressed with Susan who had been transferred to her department six months earlier from shoes. She seemed a hard worker and was pleasant to get along with and more than that, she seemed to actually not mind any of Marilyn’s rules because as she put it, it put money in her pocket which she liked. They had even taken lunch together a few times and they had talked about their kids too, something Marilyn had missed doing. Sharon rarely spoke about the boys and Sharon was about the only other friend Marilyn had.

Looking at Susan she saw her face go white and her hand tremble as she clutched her throat, her fingers wrapping around the imitation pearls that hung down her slender neck. Marilyn instinctively knew that it was something bad and she felt a lump rising in her own chest as she saw Susan staring blankly, nodding as she listened. Whatever it was certainly had her shocked and she thought immediately that it might be bad news about one of her children. God, she hated that, and it made her frightened because she knew that if anything had ever happened to her own boy, Neil, she would never recover. Thank God she had the Fisher’s to lean on.

Checking to make sure that the area was clear she hurried over to the main sales counter to see if Susan were okay. The concern was genuine as she approached the dark haired lady, seeing tears running down her face and instantly she felt troubled, images of her own son flashed before her mind for some unknown reason as she came closer to talk to Susan.

Marilyn “Susan what is it? Is something wrong with the girls or Kyle?”

Susan “Marilyn, oh, uh no, no they are fine, that was Ron.”

Marilyn “Something happen at the school?”

Susan “I… You know the Fisher’s don’t you Marilyn? I mean you have mentioned them to me, they are friends of yours aren’t they?”

Marilyn “The Fishers? Yes, very good friends, Susan, you are frightening me, you look… what is it?”

Susan ‘Ron just told me, Justin Fisher, he, oh God, Marilyn, he is dead.”

It couldn’t be true? She stared at Susan Cohen and wanted to hit her, for telling her such nonsense but as she looked into the tear stained face she knew it wasn’t a lie, she knew it was the truth and the thought that young Justin was dead was too much. He wasn’t much older than Neil, they played on the same team together, practised together and for all intent shared a father even that was how close Neil was to Walt, to Sharon, to Justin and even to Robbie, the older boy. No, it couldn’t be true, but looking at Susan she felt the legs under her go wobbly and she knew in her heart that it was true.

Marilyn “But, I mean, how, he is just a boy, why he’s Neil’s age, how… are you sure?”

Susan “Yes, I am sure, come, sit down Marilyn, can I get you some water?”

Marilyn “My God, no, uh no thanks, Susan I… oh my God, poor Sharon, and Walt, they must be, I…”

Susan ‘Ron says he’ll be going over there soon, uh, look I can handle things if you want to leave, I mean…”

Marilyn “I need to go, oh my God, yes, uh, can you call me a taxi? I better let them know upstairs, dead? Justin is dead, I just can’t believe it, why he and Neil were only out back a few days ago tossing the ball around, now, oh my God, NEIL, he is going, uh yes, please Susan, you don’t mind?”

Susan “No, go ahead, I’ll uh call Ron, tell him I’ll be staying later, he can pick up the girls first, now you go get ready, I’ll have the cab come to the parking lot entrance, okay?”

Marilyn “Yes, yes thank you, uh, I have to call upstairs…”

Susan “Don’t worry about that, I’ll let them know, you go powder your nose, get your stuff together, okay?”

Marilyn “Thanks, yes I better, oh God, poor Sharon, this will devastate her, my God Justin is dead, I just can’t, yes thanks, I have to go.”

Susan Cohen watched as her friend and superior walked towards the back room and she dialled the cab company and gave them instructions for picking up Marilyn at the parkade entrance. She made sure they would wait too, explaining it was a family crisis and an employee(, which usually) would keep the cab from leaving before Marilyn got there. Then she quickly dialled upstairs to personnel and gave them the news that Marilyn was leaving early, that she would be staying later to handle the department and while she was talking to them, she saw Marilyn heading off towards the elevators and the parkade. Marilyn turned to nod at her and Susan could see that she was still struggling to get control but she knew that by the time Marilyn got to the Fisher’s, she would have herself in check.

She had never really met someone like Marilyn before. Susan rather liked her because she was a no-nonsense type lady. She told it straight without any of the normal baloney and more than that, she really wasn’t a bitter person, just a driven one as she tried to do the best she could in a man’s world without a man to back her up. In the brief snatches of friendship, she had learned a great deal about Marilyn and her struggles. It really was tough, even in this modern day, for a single mom to get the credit that Marilyn seemed to have gotten and from her own experiences, Susan knew it had to be one hell of a fight for her to have gotten where she was. What little she had learned about the Fisher’s too had been interesting and had given her some hope that not all men were heels. She herself was lucky, Ron was a good husband to her and the kids and it seemed like Walter Fisher was the same.

Her heart was heavy as she thought about how the Fisher’s must be feeling, knowing that it would simply kill them had the situation been theirs. God, she would simply die if anything had happened to Kyle or to the girls, Beth and Debbie. Susan shook her head and tried to occupy herself, but she kept thinking of her own children, vowing to hold them tight the second she saw them after work. Funny that was just what Ron had said too.

Part 5

He leaned against the doorway entrance, watching as his mother bustled around the kitchen, pots and pans flying as she started to prepare food. His father was in the study, praying and as he looked at his mother, he could see her stop every few seconds, glancing upwards, almost as if she were talking to someone or maybe it was that she was waiting for some answer to an already asked question? It was strange to see how his parents were acting, almost as if Justin were someone they knew, yet they had never set eyes on him, never once talked to him even in passing and yet his father had shredded the lapel on his new dress shirt and sat in mourning. His mother too would stop now and then to wipe the tears from her eyes, and they never knew Justin.

Joel still wasn’t sure how he was feeling. It had been strange to find Justin sprawled out under that tree and Joshua, the way he had looked so surprised when Joel told him who it was and then the realization that Justin was hurt. It all passed before him and he could still feel his panic, his fear as Joshua had made him call 911. God, what a horrible feeling that was, and he could still feel the fear, still feel the panic but Joshua had kept his head, and he realized now just how much Joshua had changed. He was more assured in how he moved and in what he said but in other ways it was like he was more, well more human too. It was like on the way to the hospital, he had reached out and taken Joel’s hand into his, and just said ‘thanks’ and squeezed. It was exactly what he needed, and they hadn’t let go until they got to the Jubilee parking lot. Strange, only a few months, hell, only a week or two earlier he would have pushed the hand away, now, well now he realized that there was much more to all this gay stuff than he imagined.

Christ, if he were feeling this way what could Robbie be feeling? Strange, to think that Robbie Fisher, a sort of school icon was downstairs, sleeping with his brother. It would take some time to get used to that, but it just didn’t seem important anymore, not now anyhow. God, he knew he would be a wreck if anything had happened to Josh, and maybe that was how Robbie was feeling, a wreck too. Strange too, seeing him sitting on the couch earlier this morning, the white bandages around his wrist showed maybe just how much Robbie was indeed hurting. Why did he do it, Joel wondered as he turned his face upwards to see his mother staring at him.

Adele Goldberg “Nu boychik, hungry?”

Joel “A bit, can I help?”

He was so young and yet not, the way he looked at her with those eyes, the sadness you could see in his young face. No boy should have to know the things he now knew, no child should have to go through the discovery of death at such a young age and yet it was all part of HIS plan it seemed, and she looked upwards once more, wondering if he really was looking down or was he off somewhere else, tending to some other part of his garden?

Adele “So, you think you can cook now? Perhaps, perhaps, but first, go downstairs, see if your brother and Robbie are hungry, yes?”

Joel had known she was going to say that, and part of him felt weird about it, even though he thought he understood it, even though he sort of knew that there was nothing he could do about it, it still kind of bothered him, still sort of made him feel a bit uncomfortable. What if he walked in and they were, well, but no, not this time but what about the next time? He still wasn’t sure about all this gay stuff, and it felt different somehow with Robbie being there. Some of his thoughts were kind of bizarre, as he wondered if they slept nude or were they all wrapped up in each other’s arms and stuff or did they sleep at either end of the bed? He had to admit he was kind of curious but he also felt, well freaked out a little by what he might see.

Joel “Uh, they are sleeping, maybe uh…”

Adele “I know boychik, I know but if they sleep now, they won’t sleep later when they’ll need it more, so you go, wake them up and tell them we have some food, yes?”

Joel “Okay, shall I tell papa?”

She could see the nervousness in how he kept shuffling from one foot to the other and she could understand it, but he had to get used to the idea that his older brother now had a partner, a mate, even if it were another boy. He just didn’t understand yet that Joshua had grown up and while she had to admit that it was rather strange to know your eldest was partnered with another boy, a goy too boot, he seemed genuinely happy and after all, that is what counted. She could sense Joel’s unease, but he was such a good boy, he would be okay she knew, but what about that poor Robbie? Oy, such a sweet looking boy and yet so troubled. So ’fer tumult’d[2. mixed up, confused], it wasn’t right that one so young should have such tsores[3. troubles, grief].

Adele “Yes, after you wake Joshua and Robbie… Joel?”

Joel “Yes, mama?”

Adele “You are a good boy, Joel, your papa and I, we are very proud of you; you have become a real mentsh.”

Adele reached out and brushed back Joel’s unruly hair and held his face in her hands, staring deeply into his eyes and with a tear running down her face, she kissed him lightly on the forehead, knowing how much she loved him and how lucky they had been to have such wonderful children. Quietly she thanked God, knowing that at least in that, he had gotten it right.

Joel “Mama…”

Adele “Yes, I know kinder, I know, you are still confused, yes? I know papa and I are, so is your brother though, but Joel, he needs you…”

Joel “I know mama, it is just, I mean… all this, it seems so cruel, I mean Robbie seems nice, it’s just…”

Adele “Bikucked[4. fucked up, screwed up]? Yes, it is that, things happen kinder, I don’t know what HIS plans are and I doubt if we will ever know until we sit down and have some kugel and coffee with HIM, but until then, we muddle on, you are so young…”

Joel “Not that young mama, come on…”

Adele “To us Joel you and your brother will always be too young, it is how parents are my kinder, we want to hold you in our arms forever, protect you from what is out there, it is being a parent, nu?”

Joel “Not all parents.”

So young, and so wise too and yet as she looked at him, she could see the pain in his young face and her heart grew hard as she saw that face, that terrible angry face and she knew then, as she knew now, that when she had looked into that face she had seen the devil himself and her anger grew inside as she hugged her youngest and then with a gentle shove, she sent him to get his brother and Robbie.

Adele “No, not all my kinder, not all.”

Her eyes lifted heavenwards, and the tears rolled down her cheeks as she could sense the coming battle and she wondered briefly if they were up to it. Then she shook her head, knowing it made no difference if they were or not, they had no choice for you couldn’t fight evil at your pleasure, you just had to do what you had to do and this, this she knew they had to do.