Chapter 18

Part 1

He couldn’t believe that it was only just after 5 in the morning, it seemed like it should be at least 7 or 8, then at least he could have an excuse for getting out of bed, but 5? That was crazy and he smiled, as he remembered how his mother used to call it in Yiddish. He felt a bit sad then too, wishing he had learnt a bit of that language, it was so expressive and given all the crazy feelings he was having, it would suit.

They had walked for about an hour or so all along Dallas road, watching the waves come crashing in, the occasional piece of driftwood banging up and yet there was hardly any breeze. Debbie had walked beside him, but at first it was like she was a thousand miles away, only near the end did she come close enough that he could smell her perfume. It wasn’t that he had designs on ravishing her, though judging by the way he ached in his ‘privates’ he sure as hell wouldn’t have minded.

It was how she said it, ‘the gay boy’ and for a mere second he was angry at her for it, but then he realized, it was how he too referred to young Robbie Fisher, at least in his own mind he did. Why should he be so upset at her for speaking what he himself said in the privacy of his mind? The boy was gay, it wasn’t really a derogatory remark but it wasn’t so much the words as it was the tone. He could hear her reluctance in saying the word, almost as if she would catch something bad by just even mentioning it. Maybe he was being over sensitive since his discussion with the Rabbi, but somehow it just didn’t feel right to say things like that now, not right at all.

The walk was mostly in silence, both of them lost within their own thoughts and for him, it was a period of self-examination. He still felt uneasy about taking that Fisher case, he couldn’t explain it but he knew that it was going to be something that would either haunt him for the rest of his life or would be something he would look back on with pride, the trouble was, which would it be? He shivered at that thought and turned to look at Debbie, wishing he could talk to her about it.

Staring at her sunken face, the way her eyes were downcast, he wondered what was really troubling her. She had looked so surprised when he mentioned Robbie Fisher and if he didn’t know any better, he’d say she was terrified of the young man. It was perplexing but so was this strange urge to want to share his own thoughts and concerns with her, a stranger and worse, a goy. See, he said to himself, he did know Yiddish and he laughed inside and turned to find Debbie had been staring at him. It made his heart quicken its beat a little as he felt that maybe she was slightly interested in him, which wasn’t a bad thing, but could it ever get beyond that stage?

Debbie wasn’t sure about this late night walk nor about playing hookey the next morning, but she had to admit it was something she had never done before. The rules were there for a reason, so she always told others, but feeling the occasional breeze on her cheeks, smelling that scent that came only from a man, well it all felt rather pleasing. For a mere instant she felt a bit guilty, thinking it was wrong for her to feel this way when people like young Robbie Fisher lay in a hospital room or worse. The guilt passed away quickly though as the sound of the ocean crashing into shore wiped the unpleasantness away. It was her favourite sound, the loud surging roar followed by the soft gentle lap as the wave receded. In a way it was like life, full and vibrant one minute, then as it receded, as it came to its natural end, it grew quieter, less active.

She stole several glances at the lawyer who slowly walked alongside her, knowing that he wished they’d hold hands but she just wasn’t ready for that, not with someone she really didn’t know. Oh sure, she had searched him out, knew his record and all that, but she didn’t know the man inside, and in many ways, she was afraid of digging that deep.

He wasn’t any Greek God that was for sure. Myron only stood about 5ft 6inches maybe 7inches but that would be generous and he certainly didn’t work out. He had to weigh at least 170 or more and yet he didn’t look fat, stocky perhaps was a better way to describe him but still, despite all that she did wonder for a moment or two, what it would be like to share herself with him. God she must really be drunk, to be thinking about a perfect stranger in that way but it did make her step just a little livelier, raise her head just a tad so maybe it really wasn’t so bad?

Myron wondered what it was that made him seem so nervous, after all he had his share of flings, had even come close once to asking a nice girl to spend her life with him but he never had gotten the nerve up and besides, she wanted a different life than he. She had been a nice Jewish girl but he just wasn’t into that whole religious stuff like her family was so that helped keep his proposal to himself. Funny, he had used her religious background to not ask her to marry and yet here he was, taking on a case simply because the Rabbi had asked, and for free no less. He had to be nuts, but there was something about the Rabbi that made him squirm a little, as he replayed their first conversation over.

Debbie woke to the harsh ring of her telephone and she was angry, the dreams were so nice for a change, the nightmares hadn’t come this night and she knew she could thank Myron for that. Was she falling for his boyish charm or was she just so lonely that any port would do? It was something she would have to think about, but still, the phone annoyed her as she stared at the light on her clock radio. Damn, who would be calling her before 7am in the damn morning? She reached across the bed, momentarily wishing that there had been a still sleeping certain person next to her, but she tossed the idea out of her mind as she stretched out and grabbed the still ringing telephone.

Debbie “Hello? Who is it?”

Voice “Uh, Ms. Winston?”

Debbie “Yes, what is it, do you know what time it is?”

Voice “Yes Ma’am, it is the night duty clerk calling.”

Debbie “Oh? Shit, what is it?”

Voice “Well we had an incident earlier…”

Christ, couldn’t the department let her have one night without pestering her? They had on call workers, each one took turns, hers wasn’t supposed to be until next week. She moved the rest of herself closer to the nightstand that held the phone and she glanced over to the dresser, staring at her dishevelled appearance in the large mirror above, wondering if Myron would be repelled by the way she looked? Christ, here it was not even 6:30 in the morning and already she was thinking about him.

Debbie “So call the on call worker, not my area this week.”

Voice “I know Ma’am, it is just that the worker said to call you, you already have a file on the uh, well its one of your cases, sorry.”

She kept her voice flat and uncaring, part of the training but the feeling in the pit of her stomach was making it increasingly difficult with each passing second. Quickly she flipped thru the list of her cases in her mind, wondering which of the many were most likely to be involved in an incident, knowing it could be any one of them as her hand tightened around the phone receiver.

Debbie “Oh, which one?”

Voice “Fisher…”

Her face grew white as the name was spoken. His face came flashing to her sight and she saw the eyes, that haunting look of his as he refused to let her past, refused to follow normal procedures and her heart began to ache as now she could see Robbie’s face; but it wasn’t alone, next to it was Cory’s young face too, the same look of resignation that Robbie had and she felt the tears.

She pushed her hair out from in front, wiping the growing tears with a vicious swipe of her arm as she shouted into the phone, unbelieving that it was him, unwilling to accept what she knew was not a mistake. She had a premonition and she felt herself shiver, wishing that she had asked Myron to stay, wishing that she could hang the fucking phone up and curl up into his arms and just ignore the world.

Debbie “WHAT? Fisher, but he’s in EMI, what incident, what happened?”

Voice “EMI? No, he wasn’t, I mean, he was rushed to RJH, I am afraid he didn’t make it, and the…”

She felt a stabbing pain in her heart, unwilling to believe that someone she had only seen a few hours earlier was no longer. It was shades of Cory Treat all over and the tears now rolled down her face. She could feel herself choking back sobs of pain, unwilling to believe it and yet it seemed she did as he felt her hand shaking, the receiver banging her chin as she struggled with keeping her composure, again looking all around the room, wishing she would find Myron there, somewhere.

Debbie “MY GOD! HE, BUT, no, no you can’t be, that’s impossible, Robbie is, are you sure? This has to be a mistake, maybe its…”

Voice “Robbie? No Ms. Winston, sorry, uh, this is my first, I mean… it is a Justin Fisher, 16, male Caucasian, you have his name listed on your case load, so the night worker said to call you, its flagged on the computer, I mean if there is a mistake…”

The pain suddenly grew still and her mind was in utter chaos as she struggled to comprehend the news. It wasn’t Robbie and for that she thanked God and took a deep breath, but Justin, the younger brother? Wasn’t it enough that one was in EMI and now the other was, didn’t make it? My God, what a cruel world it was, she thought as he pulled open her nightstand, reaching inside looking for a cigarette.

Debbie “Justin? Justin Fisher? How, I mean, okay, uh, I’ll be in the office in about 45 minutes, who is the on call worker?”

Voice “Its Mr. Converse, Ma’am, he said to…”

The image of her co worker flashed and she felt sorry that it had to be him, his wife was sick and the rumour was that she wouldn’t make the year out, cancer had taken its toll and he had three young kids too. Damn, this wasn’t going to help his mood and she wondered how he could cope with all that was happening at home and then work too? Hell, she didn’t have any of his home problems and look at the mess she was slowly becoming?

Debbie “Harry? Okay, tell him to wait for me, okay?”

Voice “He’s already left ma’am, said he’d leave what he had on your desk and that he’d be in touch later in the morning. He, uh, he had some personal business to attend to, uh should I call the alternate?”

Debbie “No, no that’s okay, uh, I’ll look after it when I get there.”

Voice “Yes ma’am, thank you.”

Putting the phone down, she finally found a cigarette and lit it without a seconds thought. The harsh taste of tobacco in her throat made her cough and she looked at the long thin tube, wondering for a minute if the shrinks were right, that people smoked simply because it made them think about sex? Christ, a kid was dead and she had sex on her mind? What kind of animal was she, as she shook her head and looked at the image being reflected in the mirror.

“You really would be better off not knowing me Myron, but damn it, I wonder if, and why, but no, I think you need someone who isn’t going to fall to pieces, besides, look at me, I am an absolute wreck in the mornings, and it doesn’t really get all that better after the make up goes on.”

Debbie took a long pull on the cigarette then slowly pulled herself together. She headed to the bathroom and turned on her shower, dropping the cigarette into the toilet. Her head was once more turning towards work, but she knew that there would be no playing hookey today. For a minute she contemplated calling Myron, but thought she’d leave that for when she was out of the shower. Let the man have what peace he can for now she thought as the first hot needles of the shower crashed into her trembling body.

Part 2

The phone ringing in the middle of the night was never a good omen and Pastor Deke Johnson felt the apprehension as he lifted up the receiver and took the call. He had already spent a rather restless night, going back and forth over all that had happened at the Goldberg’s and he knew that the Rabbi was a formidable man. He doubted though if his congregation realized that but somehow, he just knew that they were going to find out in short order.

Thinking about that, he wondered if he would have that kind of courage, to stand before his own parishioners and unequivocally stand beside his own son the way Rabbi Goldberg was doing? Would he have that strength, the conviction or would he seek a compromise, a way to save his own face and yet not disappoint his family never mind even dealing with the issue of homosexuality and the religious ramifications that Rabbi Goldberg seemed unconcerned about.

That wasn’t really accurate, the Rabbi did have concerns but not that it was a sin, but that people who looked down on it as such were the real sinners. Quite an interesting concept he had thought but on the more real level he knew it was just tilting at windmills. No religion, Jewish or Christian, was going to openly accept gays as being no different than heterosexuals. It would cause way too much fuss and could even throw all of them into utter chaos, causing endless re-examination of scripture. No, no religious church would dare to touch that issue the way the Rabbi was, but then again.

Damn, there he went again, and he was angry with the short squat man that had caused him such consternation. Rabbi Goldberg and his two boys had certainly thrown a few curves at him, but despite all that, he still felt that it was she, the Rabbi’s wife, who had been perhaps the clincher. Her eyes, they had never left his face, never for a second looked away and he was certain that he had felt her heart beating next to his and it was that closeness that had him worried. It was almost as if she had read his heart and had judged it sub-standard.

His mind had been operating on two levels, the one still trying to make sense of the whole day and evening, the way Tommy had looked, the way the Rabbi’s youngest son had looked, and through it all he could see Walter Fisher’s angry face, refusing to even consider that being gay wasn’t a sin. The other part of his mind tried to figure out what it was about God that had him so scared, because for 29 years of being a pastor he had always thought God was someone to love, to worship but not to fear, yet now he did fear him.

Putting the phone down he stared straight ahead, the blood having drained from his face after the first words informing him of the death of Justin Fisher, and he felt the fear that he had tried to hold at bay. Dear Jesus he thought, how could such a tragedy happen to a family of good Christians already touched by grief? His mind tried to tell him that it was God’s own retribution for the sins of the eldest boy, and before today he would have accepted that simple explanation, but now, now he wasn’t so sure.

Could God be that cruel? In the past he had always called it as God’s judgement, his passing on man’s inability to follow his precepts, his rules and so man was forced to accept the sometimes painful rebuke of their true Father, but today, today he had his eyes opened to something that made all that a lie. What was it that the young Goldberg boy had said, that if all this was God’s work, that the pain and suffering was his doing, then God was a liar, that was it and while the whole idea was blasphemous to say the least, Pastor Johnson began to wonder.

Jesus spoke of love, of giving to those who were shunned for whatever the reason, not just for those who met his standard or the world’s standard of being poor unfortunate souls, but all of man. He had called for the lepers, the tax collector, and even the prostitutes to be part of HIS church, so how could that philosophy now claim that homosexuals were denied that same love? Either Jesus had sold the people a bill of goods, or else all he had learned had been distorted and twisted to suit the modern world.

Sitting upright in bed, he couldn’t believe that God had reached down from the heavens to smite young Justin simply because of Robbie being gay or even for his sin of trying to take his own life. That just couldn’t be the God that he had read about, the Jesus that had walked with giant strides across Palestine, feeding the hungry, tending to the sick, protecting the weak. It just didn’t fit with his image of a man nailed to a cross asking God to forgive those who had done such cruelty to God’s own son; and yet, in the back of his mind, he tried to find a piece of scripture that showed what God’s answer had been to that prayer, that request from the dying Jesus.

Catherine Johnson “What’s wrong Deke? Who was that on the phone?”

He turned to stare at his wife. She was really a good woman, bit preoccupied with some things he thought trivial, but then she did keep his affairs running smoothly and the ladies auxiliary did like her too, and that certainly helped him. It was tough to replace a pastor if the women folk were for him, and while the issue should be based on the pastor’s spiritual work, it invariably boiled down to his ability to handle the social aspect of his job more than the spiritual. As long as he preached the odd hell and fire sermon, kept people from being bored for too long and didn’t make too many changes, he could spend a comfortable life in the service of God, and the support of the various woman’s groups only furthered that goal.

Pastor Deke Johnson “I am sorry, I should have taken the call in the other room.”

Catherine “That’s okay, is it bad news?”

Deke “I am afraid it is dear, the Fisher boy died a short time ago.”

Catherine “Oh? The gay boy? How did he die, wasn’t he in hospital?”

Deke “No dear, it was his younger brother, the basketball player.”

Catherine “Oh dear, but he’s just a baby, isn’t he only 15 or 16?”

Deke “16 I think but yes, it is still young none the less.”

Catherine “That must be such a tragic loss for the family, he wasn’t gay too was he? I mean, did he commit suicide or was there an accident?”

For a second he stopped in his movement, turning to look at his wife and he wondered what it was about a person being gay that turned normal, polite, loving people into such frightened, vicious animals? She meant no harm, he knew her too well to believe she could ever be cruel, yet you could hear the fear in her voice as she asked if Justin had been gay, and he had to admit, he himself had wondered about it after hearing the news about Robbie.

Strange too, how he referred to Robbie as the ‘gay’ boy and yet for Justin, the ‘basketball player’ when in fact Robbie was the star, or had been. Justin was just starting out and perhaps he would have been a star too, but he was the one referred to as the basketball player, not Robbie. Why did being gay make you not what you were before? He knew Robbie before, had seen him in Church several times, and he always had called him the ‘basketball player’ then, but as soon as he knew that Robbie was gay, he stopped calling him that and instead he became ‘that gay boy’.

He shook his head, knowing such thoughts weren’t going to help him, Robbie or any of the Fishers at this sad time in their lives. His wife was already heading down to the kitchen, and he sighed a little wondering why he had been so curt, so impatient with her when she really meant no harm. It was just, damn, it was seeing her eyes, the way she could penetrate his soul so easily and he had never met anyone like her before. Mrs Goldberg was indeed something special, but then that whole family seemed blessed.

The second he thought it, he grew still. His face stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and he could hear his heart asking his soul, talking to his mind too as it tried to sort it all out. If they were indeed blessed, then did that add credence to their views? Could they really be right, could God love every single human unconditionally? How did they answer that if the person was Hitler? Would Mrs Goldberg still believe that God loved Adolph Hitler as she claimed he loved Robbie Fisher and other gay people?

Her simple belief that God loved unconditionally was admirable perhaps, but oh so naïve. How could there be any justice in the world if the Creator himself denied any punishment for transgressors? If that were true, then what would stop anyone from heinous crimes against mankind if there were no fear of divine retribution? No, it was simplistic, but just not real. God was a God of love, yes that was true, but he was also a God of justice and maybe to some it didn’t seem like it, but he knew that people like Hitler and Stalin and such did not sit at the foot of God, their presence there would only be an affront to God himself, wouldn’t it?

He straightened his collar, and shook his head and sighed deeply as he headed downstairs. Deke Johnson smelt the fresh brewed coffee as he came down the stairs and smiled, knowing how much love he had for his wife and knowing that she was his backbone, just as he knew that Adele Goldberg was the Rabbi’s, only she was a bit naïve when it came to religion.

Pastor Deke stopped at the foot of the stairs, and despite his best efforts he just couldn’t get the Goldberg’s out of his mind. They had touched him in a way that was frightening to him. Here he was, questioning his beliefs after 29 years of service, questioning his own wife’s motives when he should be worrying about the Fishers and their loss. As he tried to switch his thoughts to them, he felt that same unease he had felt as he had walked up the sidewalk to the Goldberg’s front door.

There was a part of him that wished life was simpler, part that wished that things were as Mrs Goldberg believed, but he had been around too long to think it could ever be so simple. Even God couldn’t allow such thoughts to happen, the Garden of Eden had long since been denied to mankind and he doubted if they would ever see it again as he walked into the kitchen. His wife beamed at him and straightened his collar a little, brushing off some specks from his dark grey suit jacket.

Catherine “Did you remember to leave me the Fisher address and phone number by the hall phone?”

Deke “Yes, how long will you be?”

Catherine “Well, its after 7 now, shouldn’t take me long to get the ball rolling, I should be there about 9, is that okay? Oh, I’ll also arrange for someone to bring some casseroles around, I doubt if Sharon will be able to handle much in the way of lunch, she is a dear but not a good coper.”

He kissed his wife on the cheek and smiled, hiding the sudden flare of annoyance at her comment. How could anyone cope with the death of a child? After all she had already gone through with Robbie, now to lose Justin on top of it all, no it wasn’t a nice comment. He left the house in a snit, and he tried to calm his nerves as he drove out of the driveway, heading towards the Fisher home.

Why was he feeling this way about Catherine? She really wasn’t trying to be mean, and he had to admit, Sharon Fisher was never an assertive woman, and she did get flustered at simple things. Just last week alone she had been reduced almost to tears because the photocopier had jammed and she couldn’t get it cleared. It really had been trying to have to calm her down and then unjam the infernal machine, so why should he be so upset at his wife’s comments? What was it that had him on such edge and once more he could see the young face as it clearly told him that his beliefs made God a liar.

It was too confusing for him, as he drove down Shelburne Street and he wondered if Walter would be any less intransient or would he be filled with rage? As the car moved along the traffic, he also wondered about Robbie and how this would affect his release from Eric Martin, not to mention his position in the coming funeral? What would Walter have to say about that?

Pastor Deke cringed as he could imagine how Walter would react to that issue and yet it was his right as the father to determine such things, but somehow he had to try and get Walter to put that aside. It wouldn’t help the healing process for any of them if he took a narrow view of Robbie, after all the boy was his brother too, and he did deserve some consideration. Still, in his heart he knew that Walter would have a different view of it, and he did wonder briefly, if Justin had been gay too.

Part 3

The building on King Street looked empty but as he drove up, he knew different. The people for the morning news were long at it already and he wondered if this would make that section or would it be tucked away and used later, during the noon feature? Either way he knew that what he had now wasn’t what the story was really about. He tossed his jacket over his shoulder as he walked past the security guard and headed to the bank of elevators that would take him up to the real part of the station, the place where it really counted, to the news department floor, the hub around which the station revolved, or so he’d like to believe.

Deep down he knew he was dreaming, after all CH was not exactly in a market that meant much. Victoria and the island only number just under 400,000 people, never mind television sets and with so many American stations to choose from, he doubted if they could boast an active audience of 100,000 at peak periods, but it was fun to dream.

Jake Mathews had stumbled onto the story really, and he knew that Dale McIntyre would be a hard sell, but then the cranky old news boss always was cranky, but in his gut, Jake knew this story had something to it. He had never heard such curses nor had he ever witnessed such emotions as he had just a short time earlier. He still wasn’t sure if what he saw was real, if the two young men had really been holding hands, if the man spitting fire had really looked as evil as he sounded but he knew it was a story.

He squared his shoulders and walked into the bustling news area, the room filled with a host of desks and bright lights. There were people milling all around the place and he breathed in deeply, feeling the excitement of being a part of it all gave him. Standing there he actually felt like he was somebody, not just a number or some shmuck toiling away for peanuts, here, here he was somebody. Jake walked through the bustling room towards the far office area, and quickly he asked if Dale were busy, hardly waiting for an answer from the old battle-axe that guarded Dale McIntyre’s office.

Dale was busy talking to Gordie Askew, the CH news sports guru or so he claimed but he had to admit, the guy did know the local sports scene pretty good and he did get some pretty good stuff too. It was only last month that he broke a story about a high school athlete arrested for drugs along with his girlfriend’s father. It was still making the rounds because it seemed the police had let the two go, the arresting officer an alumni of the school the kid played for. Both turned to stare at him as he came walking in.

Dale “Jake, what are you doing here this early?”

Jake “Sorry Dale but I think I got a story for us.”

Dale “Think? Either you do or you don’t kid, which is it?”

Jake felt nervous and the palms of his hands were sweating as he wilted under Dale McIntyre’s withering verbal assault. The guy just had a way of making you feel like shit, well fuck him, one day he’d be an anchor in a real market, then he’d see who knew what or not.

Jake “I do, just not sure yet how far it’ll go, could be worth a couple of spots at least.”

Dale “Yeah, okay, what’s the story?”

Jake “16 year old kid died a short time ago, his father was screaming blue murder at the doc, and get this, the kids older brother was already in the hospital, for attempted suicide.”

Dale McIntyre sat on the edge of his desk as he listened to Jake Mathews tell his tale, and he had to admit, it was a good story, if true and that thought made him glance over at his sports guru, the blasted idiot. Christ they were both kids, Gordie and Jake and to them the news was nothing more than story time on a grand scale. They didn’t understand that sometimes, a story should have some truth in it, but then if they did know what they were doing, his job would be redundant.

Dale “Oh? And?”

Jake “Well, its weird, but the kid who tried to off himself, he was with another kid, who is the local Rabbi’s boy, they were there too, the Rabbi that is, I mean Dale, there is something there, I know it.”

Gordie “Who’s the kid that died?”

Jake “Huh? Oh, kid named Fisher…”

He was glad that Jake had come in when he did, because it saved him from more of Dale’s tirade but somehow he just knew that he would get to hear the rest of it soon enough. Jake’s story was mildly interesting and he could see the possibilities it might give until he heard the name. His head shot up and he could feel the excitement rising inside as he recognized the name. It had to be the same ‘Fisher’ and to think, the high school MVP from last year was queer, and had tried suicide? Shit, the possibilities were overwhelming and he didn’t even know the details yet.

Gordie “FISHER? Shit, you sure of that?”

Jake “Yeah why?”

Gordie turned around in his chair and stared hard at his boss, Dale McIntyre. What luck this was, to have Jake come in with this just when he needed something to get his ass out of the fire. He could really turn this into something if given the chance. He knew he had to convince Dale but his eyes were on fire as the thought of spin offs and awards danced in his mind.

Gordie “Christ, Dale this could be something, which Fisher Jake, I mean first name, what was the kids first name?”

Jake “Uh, Justin, Yeah, Justin and his older brother’s is Robert…”

Gordie “Fuck, Robbie Fisher tried to kill himself? And now his younger, Dale, this is hot, you should get this on the air!”

It was like watching two kids in a candy store he thought as he saw Gordie’s face light up like a Christmas tree. The guy was now on his feet, his face looked so red that he wasn’t sure if the guy was having an attack or would just burst right on the spot. Whoever this Fisher kid was sure got his ace sports guy worked up and he kind of liked the idea of some religious type being mixed up in it all, especially if it had something to do with queers. After all sex and religion were hot right now, and everyone was doing something but all those somethings were about the Catholics, would be a nice change if he could get something about a Jew.

Dale “Why? Who is this Fisher?”

Gordie “Robbie Fisher is the kid who took Mt Doug to the playoffs last year and won it all for them, he was a scoring machine and his kid brother was rumoured to be even better than he, and he was going to Mt Doug this year… shit, you sure about him trying to kill himself?”

Jake “Yeah, got it straight from the attending Doctor, damn, I knew there was something to it all.”

He wasn’t squeamish about nailing jocks or priests or rabbi’s but he wanted this one nailed. It was bad enough that two of his five main crowd pleasures were wrong and the big shots back at headquarters hadn’t sent him here to make those kind of screw ups. No, this time he’d sit on the story for as long as it took, but this time they’d get the facts right.

Dale stared at the two young reporters and he felt their excitement, wondering what it was about a good hot juicy sex scandal that got everyone all hyper and excited? Personally he thought sex was highly over rated but it did grab viewers and after all, that was his goal, to grab viewers.

Dale “Both of you cool down a bit, we have nothing but that one is dead, so no we aren’t going to run with it now. But Gordie, you nose around the school when it opens, see what you can find out; Jake, you check out the police and Eric Martin on, what’s his name? Robbie? See what you can get there, try talking to, uh, let me see, yeah Macgregor, he’s the head doc, and he likes press, go talk to him and see what you can get, then we’ll see.”

Just looking at Dale and he knew that he had his chance, not quite as quickly as he wished, but he’d have his chance and that was all he wanted. Besides, the whole story had a really good sexual undertone to it, and he knew how much those types of stories sold. This could be his ticket at last out of here and smack into an anchor position.

Gordie “I am telling you Dale, you need to run with this now, it is big news…”

Dale “Yeah like the kid buying drugs with the girlfriend’s dad huh? Look, this time, get your facts, then we’ll air it, got it?”

Gordie “Okay, I still say it was bang on, no way my source was wrong…”

Dale “Yeah well tell that to the lawyers okay? While you are at it, don’t get stopped by the RCMP, they are really pissed Gordie, now both of you, get the facts, check em, double check em, and hell triple check em, but don’t just ‘run with it’ got it?”

Jake “Yeah sure.”

Gordie “Yeah I got it.”

Dale “Damn straight you better, you’re fucking lucky I don’t kick your ass, hey Jake, just what the hell were you doing at the hospital?”

Jake “Huh? Oh, uh, the girl I was seeing got sick.”

Gordie “Hey that the cute blond from advertising?”

Jake “Yeah, Louise.”

Christ what was it with kids these days? Didn’t any of them know(omit-,) you never played in your own backyard? He hated all the inter-office romance and had done his best to discourage it, but one girl down in research had already threatened him with legal action if he didn’t let up on her boyfriend. Shit you would think he was trying to keep them celibate or something when he just didn’t want to have to deal with the break up aftermath that always followed office romance.

Dale “Look Romeo, she better not be pregnant or file any complaint against you, or your ass is gone.”

Jake “It’s not like that, Christ, I use a god damn condom, and she’s on the pill!”

Dale “Keep it that way, let the politicians get screwed, not us, okay, go, get me the facts.”

Jake “Okay, uh Gordie, got a minute?”

Gordie “Dale?”

Dale “Go, I’ll call you when legal is ready.”

Gordie “Okay, yeah I got a minute.”

Part 4

The house had seemed so empty when they came in, almost as if it too had felt the sudden loss that had happened. It had been a solemn ride back here, the boys sandwiched in the back and yet it felt to him like he was adrift all alone in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. He knew it was shock, that the sudden loss would eventually become real to him and that the emptiness he felt would be filled with grief, sorrow, and remorse too.

It was all so different here, the way everyone moved around on eggshells it seemed at first, and then he felt her next to him, as she had sent Joel to the kitchen to make tea and get some pastry together. The Rabbi had sat in his chair and Joshua sat in another chair, looking uncertain of how he was feeling. They all looked so concerned and as he sat there, he realized that it was a concern for him, and he stared over at Josh, then his father and then finally he turned to her, to Josh’s mother and he saw the deep love in her face. He couldn’t explain why, but in looking at her he saw hope, hope for him and for Josh and despite the emptiness he was feeling now, he believed in what he saw reflected in her look.

Robbie sat towards the middle of the couch, Adele had sat on the end, making him move a little and she held his hands in hers as she had sent Joel to the kitchen. The boy looked so lost, so alone and it wasn’t right, he should be with his own meshpucha[1. family] but perhaps this was best, at least here he would get food, he would get love. Her anger grew as she had listened to the shouts of the father.

Father, ha! That man was no more a father to this poor boy than Hitler was a friend to the Jews, he was nothing but a farbissener[2. embittered, bitter person] and worse, but not now, not at this time would she say what she thought of that man who claimed the honour of being this poor boy’s father and she had said so to her husband, who had ssh’d her but she would have her say, in time.

She stared around at the sad faces; something she knew all too well as she had attended many funerals. Looking at Abner she could see the fire inside, knowing that behind that calm face, behind those puppy dog eyes was an anger that rivalled her own and looking now at him, she wondered what it would lead to? They were on thin ice as they had no say, they were merely friends of the boy but somehow HE would find a way, of that she was certain.

The sound of dishes rattling made her glance towards the kitchen but she stayed where she was, even though her heart pounded wondering what her youngest was doing to her china but that passed as she looked at her oldest. He was so tired looking, almost as if he had been in a war and perhaps that was just it. Perhaps they all were in a war, the war of life.

Adele “Joshua, come, sit here my kinder.”

Josh “Mama, please…”

Adele “Come, I need my boys together, come.”

Robbie looked up at her, wondering at the mystery of all that was happening. Justin had been so certain that the pain ended, so definite and yet was it an illusion? He looked around the room, and he could feel the Rabbi’s pain for him, and for Justin yet the man never met him, never once saw him and yet he was in mourning almost as Justin was his very own, and it made him wonder. How could his own father deny him and yet a stranger take him in as if he were his flesh and blood?

Thinking of his father he felt the stabbing pain in his heart, in that place where Justin’s memory rested and he knew that his brother had spoken the truth, it would be tough and he didn’t know if he had the strength or the courage to do what his brother had wanted. He looked over as Joshua came to sit next him and saw the look of worry in Josh’s eyes and he quivered, feeling the tears welling up and the loss grew real, became something he could feel.

The numbness was leaving, the shock was there and he felt he was in a daze but the touch of Josh’s arm as he sat down, brought it all racing forward and he felt himself catching his breath, felt himself struggling to not cry in front of everyone when all he wanted was to fall into Josh’s arms. He felt a touch on his cheek and turned to see Josh’s mother, her hand wiping back his lock of hair and he saw tears glistening in her eyes and in a second he was wrapped in her arms.

His body shook to the raging emotion, his sobbing voice filled the room with its pain and all he could hear was her soft voice, softly soothing him with her ‘sssh my kinder, ssh, its okay, sssh’ and he felt like a small child. There was an overpowering urge for him to answer her but he couldn’t, the sobs were all he could muster as he cried in her arms, and his head buried into her warm bosom.

The tears soaked her blouse but all she could do was look with love into her own son’s face as she stroked Robbie’s head, telling him that all would be okay, that it was okay and soon she felt the painful sobs cleansing the boy’s aching heart and with her hands she lifted up his face, and like any mother, she wiped a tear or two and then kissed him lightly on the forehead and then gently pushed him towards Josh.

Robbie couldn’t believe how soft her touch was but he could feel it penetrate deep into his very soul. It was almost as if she were gently caressing the scars that lay in his soul, easing their searing pain and it only made him cry more, for he wished that Justin had known her, that maybe he too could have felt her love, her touch and the tears rolled down his face giving his heart strength, giving it courage that he knew he would need long before he could let Justin rest in peace.

Josh watched as his mother worked her miracle with Robbie, just as she had with him and with Joel too. Whenever the world had intruded, she had found a way to soothe their battered spirits, to raise their hopes so that they could go on with living and now she was doing it with Robbie. He sat there, amazed at how much he loved this short woman who he called mother and when she finally lifted Robbie’s face up, his arms were open, waiting and knowing that soon it would be time for him to do his part.

A quick glance towards the chair and he saw his father, a prayer book in hand, his keepah[3. skullcap, head covering by Jews when praying] on his balding head and he saw the ripped lapel, knowing that in fact his father was now in mourning as if Justin had indeed been one of his own. Before Robbie was turned over to him, he reached to his shirt and gave a tug, ripping the pocket and as he did he saw his mother smile at him and in that moment, they were together, their spirits were one and he opened his arms to take his lover into his heart, to help share the grief that consumed them, for now was the time to grieve, tomorrow would be for the rest.

Robbie wasn’t sure at first what was happening as he felt himself lifted off her bosom and he grew scared, wanting to just lean back and let her hands soothe his battered spirit but then he felt Josh’s breath on his cheek and he opened his eyes to stare into his lover’s face. He knew then that this was where he belonged and he let himself be held, knowing that what held him wasn’t flesh and bone but the majesty of love itself, and he wept now knowing his brother had been right. The pain did go away, but one didn’t need to die for it to happen and he sobbed, wishing he could have known that sooner.

Josh felt the sobs as they ripped into his lover’s body and he too gently brushed and stroked the hair, softly speaking to his friend and love, feeling his pain as deeply. He too cried and the touch of his mother’s hand on his head made him lift up his eyes and together they all mourned the passing of one so young. His father was reciting a prayer and his mother was there, doing what mother’s do in times of need, being the rock upon which to hold onto. His tears came cascading down as he rocked Robbie in his arms, just as she had rocked him when he was in pain.

They sat there, holding onto each other as the soft glow of morning began to peer up from the horizon and another day was about to break upon them, and what it would hold only God knew; but as he held onto Robbie, felt his body tremble, he knew that at least he wouldn’t be alone anymore, he had returned to his family and they to him.