Chapter 16

Josh parked the car in the spot by the emergency entrance door, and stared out at the covered entrance. His heart ached and he knew that it was going to be one of the toughest moments he would ever face. It was worse than when he admitted to being gay, worse in even having to face Joel and even that still wasn’t a completed task, or so his heart told him, but at least the worse there was over with, he hoped.

For someone who had hardly been in the city he knew he was becoming way too familiar with this particular landmark and he leaned back into the car seat, staring at it and wishing for a second that he smoked. At least it would give him time to think, to collect himself but he didn’t, least not right now but damn he wished he did.

Everything about moving here had made his life nothing but one giant messed up torment. For a brief time he thought it might have been a blessing, the meeting of Robbie and their desire to be more than just casual friends had put him on cloud nine for a bit, and now all that was in tatters at his feet. How could God give him something so wonderful as the love he felt when with Robbie and then twist it and try to snatch it away as he had tried? Was he perhaps not the kind loving Father that most believed, or was he really the vengeful terror that was alluded to in the early part of the Old Testament?

He could feel Joel’s eyes on him and he sighed a little, wondering what his little brother really thought now about him, about people even? The sight of Justin’s blood pulsing out from the mangled leg had been gross, had even made Joel toss his cookies and as he sat there, he wondered how he had managed to contain his own stomach. There was something about it, like a bomb had exploded inside the leg itself and the skin was flapping, blood pouring out and all that time, all he could think of was what was he going to tell Robbie, and now here he was, about to do just that and he still had no inkling of what he would say.

Why are you doing this God? Isn’t it enough that Robbie felt the need to end his life, now you throw this at him and me? I love him, he was the one shining light in my life, and you tried to take that, and now that you couldn’t have him, you are trying to take his brother? Hasn’t Robbie suffered enough or is this your punishment for his action? Is this how you show your love to your children that make mistakes? If it is I want no part of you God, do you hear, no part of you, not this way, not if you are so mean as to let Robbie live and then do this, oh please, please don’t do this, please…

The tears, always with the tears and yet in some small way it helped, it kept him sane perhaps or something like that. He never could understand why so many thought it was a weakness to cry, but as far as he could tell, it was a hell of lot better than keeping it bottled up inside. ‘You are stalling’ he heard and he knew it was his heart, once more urging him onwards and for a second anger flashed within. ‘Damn you, leave me be’ he shouted at the beating organ and it never missed a beat, never hesitated even for a mere instant as it just kept beating, each pulse only making him know that it spoke the truth, that he was indeed stalling.

He lowered his head, wishing the night would end, wishing that all this grief would be over with and yet even as he made his wish, spoke it deep in his soul, he knew the answer, knew that it wasn’t going to be over for some time. How could he go on? How could he face Robbie, so many questions in his mind and even in his heart; yet, they were no longer important, no longer pressing as new one’s had come, new questions, new thoughts and the list only seemed to grow, not shrink. It was a mounting roll call of his own failures and he felt frightened, scared that as the list grew it would eventually overwhelm him, and then where would he be?

The touch on his upper arm startled him, he felt a strange glow come racing up and all his doubts suddenly scattered within his mind and he turned his tear soaked face to peer into the flashing eyes of his younger brother. He knew inside that Joel had much to ask, much that needed answering and yet all he could see in those warm blue eyes was an unbreakable bond of love.

Sure it was battered, the links may even be dented in spots, and yet as he stared into the innocent eyes, the warmth and love was there, waiting for him to simply call for it, to simply open his own aching heart and let it in, let it come and join him in his desperate need. Josh opened his mouth a little as a cry of pure agony seeped out, and still Joel’s love held him, and he turned in the seat, looking fully into the young frightened face of his brother.

There was so much that he wanted to say, so much that he wished he could take back and yet he was speechless, struck mute by the simple look of unconditional love that waited for him, that just simmered, biding its time until he was ready. He could feel the darkness all around him, its emptiness seemed to hover and cast a pall over all that it came in touch with and yet as he stared at Joel, he knew that the darkness would hold him back no more. Its fear no longer would keep his feet still or his voice quiet and he sighed, letting his own hand reach out and rest lightly on Joel’s thigh.

Josh “Hell of a night isn’t it?”

Joel “Yeah, uh, you okay?”

Josh “No, no not really but, shit, what choice do I have?”

Joel “I suppose, uh, what are you going to tell him?”

Josh “I don’t know, I guess I am hoping that someone else will already have told him but I know it will be me who does… weird huh?”

Joel “Sort of, maybe papa…”

Josh “No, he’s done enough, time I was a man, guess this is part of it.”

Joel “I can go with you, if you want.”

Josh “No, but, it helps knowing that, shit there is so much I want to say to you, to tell you, but…”

Joel “I know, we’ll have time later, just, Josh I meant it, don’t, don’t forget that, well, I don’t want us to have secrets anymore, please. I am so scared for you, and, I mean…”

Josh “Yeah I know, I love you too.”

The words were so easy, so ordinary really and yet as he spoke them his eyes moved down to where his hand rested, and he saw Joel turn his own face downwards and he watched as Joel placed his hand on top of his. The warmth seemed to just race inside, chasing away the cold doubts that were nibbling away at his resolve and the tears dropped from his face onto his own lap as he lifted up his face, to stare once more into the unbroken chain of love that held them together. He felt it reaching out now, felt it slowly but steadily climb into his own body as his hand was gently moved off of the leg and he felt the warm trembling young body reach into and press into his own frame.

He felt the hot breath of his brother’s mouth as it lightly blew across his cheek and for a second he felt a strange glow, a strange fire beginning to burn deep inside and as his mind struggled with the myriad of problems facing him, the bonds of love began their gentle caress of his aching soul. His body trembled with the softness that he felt and as his brother’s lips lightly brushed across his cheek, as the soft hesitant kiss on his tear stained cheeks registered deep within, the strength he so desperately needed came welling up into him and he cried softly as he accepted his brother’s gift of unconditional love and acceptance.

Sweat poured from his forehead and he turned his face away, letting the nurse reach out and wipe it and then once more he turned back to the task at hand. He was losing the battle, he knew it and still he moved fast, refusing to surrender even now, and he barked out more orders, demanding more blood and he watched as the nurse began to squeeze the plasma, forcing it in faster and still he couldn’t stop the leak, couldn’t ebb the constant flow and he knew that slowly the life was leaving the young boy under his care.

He grew angrier with that, and his voice grew harsher as he called for instruments, ordered more blood coagulants be administered and he turned his face upwards, to stare at the young pale face of his patient. How young he looked, lying there as if he were just sleeping but every few moments he would mutter something, some word or two and the nurse next to him would bend down, trying to catch the meaning.

Once more he wondered if he could move him, if he could get him upstairs into the waiting OR but time was against him, he knew it so they had began their fight here, in the middle of the ER itself and he had called for help, called for his team of expert warriors but they too had other battles to wage and so he was left to fight this one personally.

Bloody gauze lay littered all over the floor, no one having the time to even sweep them out of the way and one nurse had already almost gone flying but she was more scared of Doctor Henry than of falling and somehow had kept her footing, a tray of instruments the only casualty. The noise of metal on the floor had made many faces turn and stare but he hadn’t missed a beat, ordering more instruments to replace the one’s fallen, ordering more drugs and more blood, always more blood as he struggled with the pulsing artery that lay in his large hands.

Doctor Henry had never seen such a thing before, his best guess had been that somehow the artery had been pinched, shut off and that the pressure on it had to be tremendous as the young heart struggled to force the life blood through, and finally the walls of the artery itself had given before the clog and so it had ruptured outwards but with such a force that it had even torn open the outer covering of skin.

At first glance he thought that the boy had been shot, that what he was staring at was an exit wound but there was no entry wound, and from what he had gathered, young Justin had taken a spill off a motorbike, and as he weighed sending him up to the OR, the leg began to twitch and he had been forced to try and patch the blown apart artery. His gloves had been soaked in an instant by the dark rich red, his chest and even his face shield splattered by the occasional bursts of blood.

It was a race against time, he knew that he was on the short end too as he threw his face shield off and as he struggled to peer deeper, to find the other end of the exploded artery but even his talented fingers were having trouble and he cursed loudly, his anger at death taking on a more personal tone as he heard the soft cries coming from the boy. The soft sounds of a whisper penetrated the noise of the emergency room and he would stop, staring at the young face, wondering who ‘Robbie’ was. But there wasn’t time for such thoughts, even though it nagged at him, took some of his concentration away, he pushed it aside, delving into the leg, calling for a vascular surgeon, finding one not available, and realizing that he would have to do a graft, that it was the only option left to him.

Doctor Henry tied off the pulsing artery, hoping to stem the blood loss for a moment, knowing the danger to the patient’s leg and to his life but he had no options left. He called (omit-for) once more for a surgeon but still none was available and so he made the decision, praying to his God that he was right. Like any good general, he made the decision and then trusted in it, hoping that it was the right call. Orders were passed and nurses went flying, knowing the urgency and through the entire emergency room they could sense the coming battle, could feel its rising crescendo and fear now roamed the entire room, many of the staff talking in muted tones now as orders were given to bring a graft down, to being instruments and machines and through it all the young boy whimpered, calling for Robbie, whispering that the pain did leave.

Rabbi Goldberg looked up and peered around the waiting room, his hand held tightly by his wife and he saw her face, saw her concern and he patted her hand as Josh came walking into the hallway and he sighed, knowing that much would happen tonight that would set his son’s course for the future. He couldn’t explain why he knew that, just that this would be a defining moment for Joshua, and he wondered if he had given him the tools he would need.

There was so much he wished he could have done for his boys, so many things he wished he could tell them and yet as he watched them both walk in, he felt a sense of pride in what he and Adele had accomplished so far. His eyes moistened again as he saw the tall figure of Joshua, he was standing upright, his 6foot 1inch body straight and solid, his younger brother standing next to him, his own 5foot 10 and half inch frame straight; but Abner knew them, he knew them well and he could see the pain they both carried within, his heart aching for them.

The squeeze of her hand in his made him turn to look at her, to see the same beautiful woman that had stolen his heart so many years ago and while to many she looked older, had even grey hair now, to him she was still the young girl that he had stolen a kiss from behind the shul, the same young girl who had giggled while he tried to pluck up the nerve to ask for a date. To him she hadn’t changed a bit and he smiled at her, knowing that she was his strength, his rock on which to hold onto, just as he was hers. Thinking of that, he wondered if Joshua would ever feel that way about someone, or did he already with that boy Robbie?

Adele “They look so young don’t they papa?”

Abner “To us yes, but look, to everyone else they are young men already, you have done good my dear.”

Adele “No, we have papa, you as much as me.”

Abner “Perhaps, but still, they are so young for all this meshugassism[1. craziness, insanity], so young.”

She stared at her husbands face as he watched Joshua and Joel come into the waiting area. She could see his fear and feel it inside of her too and yet she knew that he was proud of them both, as he should be. There was something about Joshua, something that she knew he always had but which only now was emerging and she could feel her husbands pride in the boy, and yet she also knew that their role was far from being over, that now the real lessons of life, of being Jewish, would need to be taught.

Her sigh made him look at her for a second, and now it was his turn to squeeze her hand, to pass to her his strength so that she could face the coming trial. Whatever was to happen, he knew that they would face it as a family, one united not in just the pain and suffering, but united in the love they had for each other. He could see it, the way Joel watched Joshua, the way he followed his every move, every step. It was almost as if he sensed the need, sensed that his presence might be needed as Abner knew that it was.

It felt so different this time, walking into the brightly lit waiting room, the long benches against the wall, the rectangular boxed ones set in the centre of the room, it all was as he remembered and still it felt different. His eyes were darting back and forth and he saw his parents sitting together, their hands clasped together and he smiled. It was what he had expected and yet it had never really penetrated before, but his parents were still in love with each other, still looking like they had just discovered it too even though you could see in their eyes that it was deeper than that.

Standing there, looking at them and seeing the love they had for not just each other, but for him too despite all the grief he was causing them, made his heart purr. He knew it didn’t make sense, but he felt such pride in them and the desire to make them proud grew stronger within him as he sat down next to them, his hand reaching for theirs, and as he rested it on top he felt Joel’s hand on his and looked up. He saw his face again and the four of them said nothing, they let their hearts speak for them and he took comfort in it, knowing that he was loved.

Dr. Henry “Come on Kid, hang in there, HANG IN THERE!”

He shouted so loudly that the nurses next to him jumped back a bit. They could see his frustration as he had tried to sew the artery but the blood wouldn’t stop. He had moved up to stand near the young boy, to look into his eyes, to see if there were any fight left in him as he needed all the help he could get. His war was being lost, he knew it in his heart but he couldn’t give up, not yet, not with someone so young and he heard him whisper, heard him mumble that name again as a nurse came from the front, whispering to the other nurse near him.

Nurse #1 “Doctor, Doctor the boy’s parents are here.”

Doctor “Not now, who is Robbie? Nurse, go ask them, find out who this Robbie is he keeps asking for… Hurry!”

Doctor Henry Mills-Smith stared at Justin, his body still warm, his cheeks pale but there was still a hint, a faint hint but a hint of colour still there. He had a chance, but he needed help, he needed something, some edge to help him and whoever this Robbie was, maybe he was that edge, maybe he could reach through and have this boy give him that edge, that one extra intangible that might make the difference, might let him snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

His body was coated in blood, his legs were like rubber as he peered into the almost lifeless eyes but the spark of life still beat in the boy’s young chest. His heart still beat, slower with each passing minute but it still beat and he waited, impatient for the Nurse’s return, fixing on the need to have this Robbie here, to have him maybe reach and drag the poor boy from death’s clutches.

Tears rolled down his face, mingled with his sweat as he knew he was grasping at straws, praying for a miracle that he knew was out of reach but he had to try, he had to raise his sword and keep swinging no matter how tired, how hopeless it was. It was the only way he could ever win, could ever defeat the faceless enemy that his life was dedicated to vanquishing.

Nurse #1 “Doctor, this is the boy’s father, Walter Fisher.”

The name sent a chill up the Doctor’s spine but as he stared at the shaking man he failed to make the connection. His mind was desperate, the battle was being lost and this idiot was too busy arguing with him, didn’t he see? Couldn’t he understand?

Doctor “Mr Fisher? Who is Robbie?”

Walter had never seen so much blood, it was all over and his poor Justy, he was lying there naked for everyone to stare at and yet he saw his chest move, saw it rise and fall and he stared around, the sounds of the room only making a dull buzzing sound inside as he struggled with the raging emotions inside. What was happening, why was Justy so quiet, why was he bleeding from his leg? He only skinned himself, only had a small bruise, what had happened, why did the police rush him here? This wasn’t, it couldn’t be, what did this man covered in Justy’s blood shout so much for, what did he want?

Walter “My boy, what are you doing to him, what is going on?”

My God, another son is being taken from me, oh merciful Jesus what is happening? Why are you punishing me so much? I love my boys, why are you doing this, why did you let Robbie become what he is, why? And now his younger brother, you can’t have him, I swear Dear sweet Jesus, please, don’t do this, don’t…

Walter felt like his whole world had suddenly been taken away from him, that he was suddenly being cast adrift in a wide-open ocean and he didn’t understand why. He was a God fearing man, he loved and provided for his family, and he knew that inside, so why was he being cut adrift like this? Where was God? Why wasn’t he here to help him, to show him the right path as he always had in the past?

Looking at Justin, his heart quivered and he felt the fear racing inside of him, digging deep into every recess of his body as he stood there, barely able to understand the Doctor’s angry voice, and his eyes grew wide as he saw the leg, saw the long silver handles of several instruments dangling from deep within his boy’s leg. So much blood, so much blood as he turned to stare blankly at the Doctor.

Walter “It was, it is his brother, but why do you want him?”

He could see the shock setting in but he couldn’t wait for it to pass, he knew in his heart that even if he could get this Robbie here now that it would be too late but he had to try, he had to get this man to understand, to at least tell him where the other brother was.

Doctor “Get him, get him here now Mr. Fisher.”

It is God’s punishment, that’s it; this isn’t his fault, it is Robbie’s. My God, Jesus in heaven how can you do this to Justin? He isn’t like his brother, you can’t take him, take Robbie, he is the sinner, don’t punish Justin, oh Sweet Jesus, please merciful God in Heaven, don’t…

Walter “NO! NO! He can’t, why aren’t you trying to save my boy? My God, the blood, why are you standing here asking me about his brother?”

Doctor “I don’t have time, now get his brother, where is he? I’ll send a police car if I have to, just get him here, your son’s life depends on this, do you understand me? Get him here!”

Walter “I… I can’t, he is, I can’t.”

Doctor “Look, he keeps calling for him, it might make a difference, do you understand me man? Your son is dying, he is giving up, do you understand?”

The words were like hot pokers burning into his very soul. He looked down at his hands then over at his youngest boy, saw the soft white face, the dark long eyelashes that barely fluttered now and his sweet lips. The realization that Justin was dying had hit home now as he felt the tears and he couldn’t stop them, and the shame of showing his weakness grew inside of him as he struggled with what his eyes saw but which his mind and heart refused to accept. Justin was no longer going to be there, he was no longer going to see his wide eyes staring up into his own eyes with the love that he had for him, no more would he see his sweet smile as he had seen just this morning.

Walter “I… dying? But, but… no, no he can’t die, you can’t let him, please, you have to help him…”

Doctor “Then get Robbie here…”

Walter “But he’s not, I mean, he’s in hospital, here…”

He cursed himself as the light flashed inside. Fisher, the same name as the boy who had attempted suicide a few days ago, the one who suddenly developed a leak around his stitches and it all came together for him. The boy in the treatment room, Robbie Fisher and this was his younger brother, the man his father and suddenly it all fit together for him as he turned towards the nurse.

Doctor “He’s, oh shit… Nurse, treatment room 3, stat, get the young man there, hurry Nurse… bring him here NOW!”

The Nurse was stunned for a minute but the training took hold as she turned to head away from the treatment area and out towards one of the private treatment rooms at the end of the long corridor. She should have remembered, that was the young man who had slashed his wrists and his stitches had developed a leak, and his name was Robbie, as her step turned into a jog, she saw the security guard standing, looking into the room and her heart skipped a beat, wondering what next.

Josh had gotten the information from the triage nurse at the front and he told his parents that he was going to go see Robbie. His father held his hand and smiled, wishing him luck and once more offering to go with him but he refused, knowing that it was his responsibility.

As he left he saw a couple come racing in, a policeman behind them and he noticed the cruiser outside as he turned and walked past the white sheet that served as a curtain. He had seen the panic in the faces of the man and woman and he sighed, thinking that another family was being forced to deal with a crisis, just as his was.

There were loud shouts and the noise from just inside the narrow corridor showed it was a busy night, or at least it sounded like one. Josh stood by the side corridor, seeing the old wooden bench against one wall and he wondered how Justin was doing, wondering if he were even still alive or not and he felt the pain reaching every part of his body as he began to shake.

A nurse came bustling out and looked briefly at him and he knew that he was a sight. His shirt was stained by blood as was his pants, but he hadn’t really noticed until he saw her face. He smiled at her, and she nodded as he hurried on his path, satisfied that he wasn’t a patient wandering the hallway. Everyone was in such a rush he thought as he heard a man’s voice calling for more plasma, and he felt the weight on his heart as he turned away and stared down the long wide corridor.

On one side several hospital gurney’s were laid end to end, some had a stack of blankets, another had metal bedpans, one even had those green bottles that looked like cheap wine bottles but which he knew were urinals but all he could focus on was the far end, where a man in uniform leaned against the wall, the chair he was sitting on resting on two legs. He knew that inside was Robbie, and as he headed down there, he wondered what Robbie would do.

The security guard glanced up as Josh came towards him, and he watched him closely, seeing the dark stain on his shirt and pants and wondered what his story was as he stopped level with him and asked if Robbie Fisher were inside. The sound of his voice was tired and filled with pain as the patient inside called out.

Robbie “That you Josh? In here”

Shouting and curses had followed him as he had walked slowly down the well-lit corridor. He knew that some of those shouts could be for Justin and dread filled him as he heard Robbie’s voice calling for him. He had tried to answer, but his voice was muted and he could feel the phlegm in his throat, clearing it as best as he could. His voice was weak but it sounded so loud as he answered and walked inside to see his lover for the first time.

Robbie was wearing a pale blue set of pyjamas, the typical hospital type but the white bandages around the wrists still stuck out and it was the first thing that Josh noticed. He felt guilty for that and turned his face upwards to stare at the young man that had stolen his heart in an instant and also dashed it just as quickly only a few nights ago.

What do you say to the person you love, how do you explain to him the different feelings that suddenly course through your entire body in a second and then start all over again? How do you manage to deal with all that, and then have to tell him his younger brother is lying only a few feet away, his life in the balance? The tears in his eyes were nothing compared to the pain knifing into his heart as he looked at the blue eyes of his lover.

There was so much he wanted to say, wanted to do that he didn’t know what to do. He stood there, feeling ashamed as he looked at Robbie and he could feel his own uncertainty mingling with Robbie’s doubts and fears too. He saw the way his hair hung down, that rebellious lock that used to be such fun as it dangled over him when they were in bed, the way it would tickle his belly as Robbie would move his face down Josh’s stomach and there it was, reminding him how much he loved Robbie.

Josh could sense that Robbie felt the same hesitancy, the same reluctance to break that ominous silence that was growing between them and as he looked at Robbie he felt the fear reaching for his heart, threatening him in a way he never thought possible. Anger was welling up inside as he thought how dare Robbie have put him through this nonsense, through this pain and then, just before it could close his heart off, he heard Justin’s young voice, begging him to tell Robbie, begging him to let Robbie know that the pain did go away.

In that very instant, that precious moment in time Josh felt the love he had for Robbie rise up within his body. In less than a blink of an eye he felt the love fanning his flames of passion and desire for Robbie, felt the solid footing of their new born love taking hold once more and he sighed, the anger halted at the last possible second and he walked slowly inside, sitting next to the person he wished would be the one he would spend the rest of his life with.

He sat next to Robbie, and like him, he pulled his feet up to rest under his chin and he let his head rest on his arms for a second or two, letting the rest of his body catch up to the feelings of his soul. When he knew that he had himself under control, he cocked his head to one side, to stare at Robbie, to let his hand reach out and brush that rebellious lock of hair aside and to then gaze with nothing but love into Robbie’s soul.

Robbie felt better as they road down the elevator, the Doctor holding his hand upright, keeping it above his heart and as they went down the underground corridor towards the main part of the hospital he wondered what it was that had him so frightened? He knew it wasn’t the blood, and he felt like the Doctor actually did care, and yet inside he had this feeling, this unease that just wouldn’t go away. Each time he would try to figure it out, his hands would hurt and he would wince, feeling the pain that was almost worse than when he first came to in the Emergency Room not all that long ago.

The Doctor seemed unconcerned and even while he held Robbie’s hands upright, the blood still seemed to seep out from under the fresh bandage. He had a sick feeling in his stomach too but he thought that was just nerves, knowing that shortly he would have to face Josh. Maybe that was it, the cause of his unease, his tension? He had known this time would come, he just didn’t think it would be in the middle of the night back in the Emergency Room.

How do you explain to the one person that showed you love, showed you a glimmer of hope that life might actually be worth living that you ignored that glimmer, that you turned your back on it for an easy out, an easy escape from what you knew in your heart you had to do but were gutless to do? How do you explain to the person who looked at you with nothing but love, that you turned your back on that love, that you in fact spit on it by trying to end your own life?

Robbie shivered a little and he noticed the Doctor stop talking for a second and glance down at him, smiling as he did and he felt better, keeping quiet so he wouldn’t put his foot in his mouth. He had never had to face this type of world, where every time someone looked at him, would they be thinking ‘there goes the kid who tried to off himself’ or would they perhaps be thinking that it was too bad he failed at it?

As they rode up the elevator to the main level of the Royal Jubilee hospital, he saw the darkness and once more he felt that chill, that coldness as it crept along his body, digging into the very marrow of his bones and yet it was only an illusion, hospitals were notoriously warm but still he felt the cold. It wasn’t like a wind chill or anything, just a feeling as it crept inside of him and as they moved down the dark corridor, he could see the bright lights of their destination.

The Emergency Wing was looking busy and yet not harried or anything. People moved around in a fast orderly pace and some even turned and smiled at not just the Doctor but at him too and the cold seemed to back off a little. Maybe not everyone would think him strange or nuts, maybe some might even understand it, or at least not hold it against him, and as they turned the corner, to stare down the long lit corridor, he hoped that maybe one of those would be Josh.

Josh could feel Robbie’s beating heart as he rested his hand on top of Robbie’s. It was strange, almost like that very first time in bed, when both seemed so scared of each other, of making the wrong move and yet they both wanted it, desired it but they were scared, holding back and Josh knew that if they were to get through all this, he and Robbie would have to no longer hold back. They could no longer afford to keep secrets, to feel shame or even to worry about what might happen once the secrets were out. If they didn’t do that, Josh knew that their love would be doomed.

The Doctor had called for a nurse and she was beaming down at him while the Doctor once more unravelled the white gauze, undid the bandage and began to clean away the dried blood. He stared at the wrist, waiting and Robbie had turned his head to watch and as he did, he thought about Josh, about how much he really did love him and that soon he would see him again.

For a second he felt the fear but the love held sway, and no amount of fear it seemed could get past it. His love for Josh was becoming a massive roadblock and his heart eased a little, the strident beat growing normal and steady and still no more blood showed. Weird how it had bled and now that his own mind was finally accepting that he was in love with Josh, it had stopped. Maybe there was a God in heaven after all though he doubted it; well not so much doubted it anymore as questioned it.

The pain of his life rose up but the roadblock held, the power of his simple unconditional love for Josh held steady as his heart didn’t skip a beat and he saw the Doctor shake his head and then tell the nurse to wrap the wrists back up for now. Looking at them he couldn’t understand why they had stopped but he would wait a bit before sending Robbie back, besides he still wanted some film on them, just in case.

Looking at their hands together brought a lump to his throat as he struggled to speak. Josh knew that whatever had driven Robbie to try suicide was still lurking, still hiding in the darkness inside, but that would have to wait for now. He slowly raised his eyes again and he could see Robbie’s eyes. The brilliant blue orbs sparkled, they weren’t dull or lifeless and he felt warmth in Robbie’s touch as he smiled a thin smile, letting his courage take hold. He opened his mouth to speak but Robbie’s voice broke the silence first.

Robbie “Man you look like shit, are you okay?”

Josh “Huh? Shit… uh, well, no…”

Robbie “Oh, uh look, if you’d rather not be here, well…”

Josh “Fuck that, I want to, I wanted to from the moment they first brought you in, they wouldn’t let me, it isn’t that… shit, Robbie.”

Robbie “Okay, okay, I… what is it? I mean, if it isn’t that, why are you, is that blood on your shirt? Christ did you get into a fight or something?”

Josh “Robbie, shut up, please… this is hard enough.”

Robbie “What is… okay, tell me what it is.”

Josh “You have to promise me something first, on your honour, on whatever you hold sacred, you have to promise me.”

Robbie “Christ man, what is it? You are freaking me out… Okay, I promise you, what am I promising you?”

Josh “That you’ll not, shit, that you’ll trust me, please, don’t take your hand away, Robbie, please…”

The hand had started to move away but with his plea, Robbie held it steady, amazed actually that it wasn’t shaking like a leaf. He was frightened, scared from head to toe as he could feel the anguish in Josh’s voice and worse, he could feel Josh’s fear in his touch. His wrists ached and as he tried not to look at Josh, he couldn’t help himself and he lifted up his face, catching a glimpse of his bandaged wrists, seeing the white turning red once more.

Panic was reaching for his young heart, he could almost see the dark fingers coming towards him but he also felt the love he had for Josh moving, as if it were slowly encircling his beating heart with a solid armour that would repel the icy tentacles of fear. His breathing didn’t become laboured even as the fear rose up inside, his heart continued to beat steady as his love for Josh turned to face the coming danger. He could see it all, see the bond of love growing thicker, the fires in his soul rising up to fuel that shield that now rested over his heart and he looked into Josh’s face, saw his pain at whatever it was he was about to say and his hand closed around Josh’s trembling fingers.

He knew it had to be bad and for a mere moment his eyes saw the red growing deeper around his wrist, the pain reaching up from both arms, desperate to reach his heart but the love held steady, kept him safe for the moment as he looked into Josh’s eyes. So much had happened, the way Josh had shown up when he had, how he had even convinced his father to come to him, an act that gave him hope, something he hadn’t felt for a long time.

It all flashed in front of him as he stared into Josh’s face. He could see the guard at the door, watching and he saw his eyes open as he too noticed the growing red patch but he ignored his look, concentrating instead on Josh. How much he had put him through and yet here he was, still willing to try, still in love with him too. Strange, as much as Josh looked scared and frightened, he still showed his love. It was almost as if he could reach out and feel that sweet link that held them, almost as if love were something you could touch and feel. He breathed a short sigh, feeling his body grip itself, waiting for whatever it was that was to come.

Robbie “I trust you, there has never been, I mean Josh, I know I hurt you and I know that…”

Josh “Please, don’t Robbie, it is, I can’t, oh shit, Robbie, you never told me you had a brother? I am sorry, that, shit, Robbie…”

Seven letters and he felt like suddenly he was falling again. He felt the pain break through in several places, sharp deep stabs of it slicing deep into his heart. His breathing was suddenly laboured as his heart skipped a beat and then began to pound. The cold shot through his whole body, making him tremble as he knew that it was about Justin, that all he had hoped for, that his ‘deal’ had never been intended to be honoured, and with a growing wild look he stared into Josh’s face.

Josh felt the terror, he felt Robbie’s hands grow cold in a flash and his eyes glanced down and he saw the red deepening around Robbie’s wrists. He choked back a single cry, the sight of red flooding his memory with a darkened bathroom, with the sweet sickly scent of blood filling his nostrils once more and his own heart quivered with fear, as his eyes saw it all, the blood once more filling his mind with its terror. Robbie’s fingers felt like Popsicles, the cold was so intense he could feel it reaching up along his own hand as he struggled with the horrible visions that came flooding in.

The terror was there, banging on the walls of his heart and digging its fingers in, trying to pry open the dented and battered shield of love that still held, still struggled to protect the beating organ behind. Confusion held his mind at bay as his soul battled to keep him calm, to keep the fires of his love alive and burning even though all around the enemy came, all around fear and doubt and guilt hammered at him.

No he hadn’t told Josh about Justin, how do you tell him that you have a family that is so twisted by the secrets that it made you make a bargain with the devil himself? Do Jews even believe in Satan? His mind was working like a madman, all sorts of thoughts came flashing through and yet through all of it he could see Justin’s young face. The pain in his wrists was tearing at him, harsh and insistent and yet still the thick armour of his love for Josh held its place. It kept his heart beating, kept it safe but it was slowly being bent, slowly being worn down as his eyes filled with tears.

The face floated before him now, the soft young face cowering under a bed sheet that had little cowboys on horses on it. He could see the images on the sheet and the small strawberry blond hair resting against the pillow, the eyes wide and sparkling in the darkness of the room, but it was the love in those eyes that held his thoughts now, that held his soul as he heard the voice asking him, begging him to tell him if the pain ever left.

Robbie looked down at his wrists, and he knew that it was Justin’s blood on his hands, that whatever had happened, it was his fault, that he, Robert James Fisher was the one responsible and the pain came bursting through the thin shield of his love. It shattered the thin armour, sending it into a thousand and one pieces as it came leaping inwards, crying in triumph as it smelled victory and as the very tips of its daggers began to pierce the soft red meat of his heart, he began to cry.

Anger, shame, hatred, guilt, fear, all of them came rushing in to take their piece of his heart, each one exulting in the triumph over his soul and he began to slowly crumble under the weight of the assault but the fire, it didn’t die, it didn’t turn and run for cover. He felt his body slowly being wrapped up in a strange new warmth and as the tears cascaded down his face he managed to see Josh’s face.

His body was being pulled out of the depths of his sorrow as Josh’s hands left his knees and held him tightly against Josh’s own thundering chest. He was frightened, the triumphant cries of victory still ringing as the daggers of his grief began to pierce his heart; but the touch, the smell of his lover next to him, the warmth of his touch and now the sweet gentle caress of his hair all stopped the screams in mid stream.

He looked up, to see his blood soaked bandages wrapped around Josh’s neck and he could see the pain too. It was almost as if Josh could feel his pain, and his eyes opened wider as he saw Josh’s head come closer, and the eyes, they grow in colour as if a strange new warrior was coming from deep within Joshua.

His ears were ringing but not from the noise outside or the startled voice of the security guard, but it was a distant echoing sound of a horn blowing loudly in the wind and he felt frightened as his eyes were glued to Joshua’s face. He saw a shape coming towards him, he leaned backwards but Josh’s arms held him tight and as he watched, the shape began to take form and it was the most brilliant white animal he had ever seen. A blinding burst of gold made his eyes recoil from its brilliance as he saw the long coiled horn on the nose of the charging beast.

The pounding of his heart hurt, the pain in his chest only rising as he watched in awe as the white charging steed came towards him from deep within Josh’s soul. He could see the blowing mist coming from the two flaring nostrils, the long white silky mane flowing backwards from the rush of air that was passing over it as it came reaching for him, its long golden horn gleaming and the fear he had quailed inside, his soul reaching upwards as the memory of his childhood flooded his mind.

He knew that beast that was riding hard for him, growing with each passing second, its breath steaming and its brilliance only shining more, glimmering more as it came forward, the press of Joshua’s arms digging hard into his back, the cold in his spine suddenly growing less as the memory of youth pressed inwards. It had been Justin’s favourite bedtime story, a story about a boy and unicorn and he used to read it to him when the nightmares were bad, when Justin would cry in pain from his ‘lessons’ and there it was now, coming alive to join the growing battle around his heart.

The image filled his sight and as it did, the stampeding unicorn raised its head and the eyes, oh God he cried as he saw the brilliant pulse of the eyes as they stared at him for a full count of one, then the head reared upwards, its powerful chest now filled the room and its legs were raised, its nostrils flared, the gleam of gold from its horn struck him hard, filling the entire room with its shine and its purity and he felt the sudden cries of dismay in his heart, not from him or from his soul but from his fear, his guilt, his anger, and even his hatred and his body grew strong as the golden rays warmed his body.

The long massive front feet kicked at the air and he could feel the warm breath on his cheek and his heart stopped for an instant, silence filled the room as he stared at the pure majesty of the beast in front of him, feeling its power as it slowly reached for him, and touched him lightly.

The flash of light, of brilliant gold, blinded him and his tears carried away much of the debris that lay scattered around his aching heart. He closed his eyes as he felt the soft caress of the unicorn’s breath on his heart and he felt his body relax, knowing that he wasn’t alone anymore, that his secret was no longer just his and as he opened his eyes, he saw Josh. His lips had parted and lightly they brushed across Robbie’s face, their warmth, their gentle touch, lighting more fires deep within his soul. No longer did he feel so empty and while the future held terror for him, held fear, he squared his shoulders as he felt the soft touch of a shaking hand, as his tears of pain were gently wiped away by Josh’s fingers and as he looked, he saw the unicorn shaking its head in approval, the image glistening in Josh’s own moist eyes.

As he saw the unicorn nodding, he saw too the small boy, strawberry blond hair flowing in a gentle breeze, and he could see Justin and he knew then what it all meant. He lowered his head onto Josh’s shoulder, and the deep sobs of sorrow filled the room as he cried hard, letting more of the debris of his battle wash away. For now the war was at a standstill, and he knew that soon he would come once more to the field of battle. Once more he would soon be forced to choose but this time he knew he wasn’t just one, that he had a small but powerful army at his back and that this time, the battle would not end till he had vanquished his foe.

It all came to him as he felt Josh’s hand softly caressing his hair, heard the words of love as they slowly bandaged the holes in his heart and he knew that he had suffered a loss, a horrible emptiness would always rest inside but in time, he knew it would be filled with the memories of love, of what few moments that he had that were worth remembering of him and of Justin. He could already see them taking shape, the times at the beach, walking as the wild Pacific Ocean surf swirled around their legs, of Justin tossing a stone across the frothing water, of his eyes, the way they always looked into him, always working past his outer façade to touch him where no one had ever touched him, until Josh.

Yes, the memories would come, they already were but the price was high and he felt the pain even though he knew nothing about the details. The outcome he knew, and he knew that as much as he wanted to believe it, he couldn’t accept that he had no share in its cause, for he knew that his silence, his bargains, had only insured the outcome that he had yet to face; but no longer, not for another second would he hold the secret deep in his heart and he could hear the unicorn snort, and for another brief moment, he saw the young boy sitting astride of the great steed, his eyes blazing with as much fire and determination as did the majestic beast itself. Yes, he had his cross to bear, and when his time came he would answer for it all, but the looming battle no longer terrified him.

Slowly Robbie pulled himself up and he no longer felt alone, no longer held by the grip of terror. His armour of love was bruised, the shattered pieces swept away already but a new shield had come to take its place. It was shiny and strong, thicker and it glowed with its hidden power, and he realized that there was hope for him, that there was a future where pain, sorrow, had its place but that it would never again own the top spot, for that was claimed by the power of his love for Josh and by Josh’s love for him.

The nurse came rushing into treatment room three and stopped next to the standing security guard. She opened her mouth but was struck silent for a moment as she watched the two young men on the bed, their heads only an inch apart but it was like a scene from a movie, as she was certain she could see a glow of gold around them both and her eyes bulged wide as she watched them kiss lightly on the lips. Her whole body shuddered a little and even in that state, she was able to see the man in dark blue next to her shudder as well.

The kiss was short and yet she could feel the power of it as she felt a tear in the corner of her eye. It had to be the night, the stress from watching Dr. Henry as he battled for that young boy’s life and yet, here she stood seeing something that she had only read about in books of fiction. It was like the final scene in a love story and yet she had this feeling that it was only the beginning. As the two young men broke apart she was certain she saw sparks flying between them and then she stared as a calm descended on them both, hearing them say as one, that they loved each other.

Robbie turned away from Josh, feeling the new presence and his heart grew quiet as he looked at the nurse. His armour shook a little, settling in place as the sounds of battle now echoed louder inside and the flames of love grew hotter with each breath, each beat of his heart and his hand reached out to grasp at Josh’s as the Nurse called for him to come with her.

He stood up, his bare feet resting on the cold floor but he felt nothing, his hand held tightly around Josh’s hand as he waited for him to join him at his side. He looked down and that was all he needed, and Josh now stood beside him, his hand tightly in Robbie’s hand. They were both afraid, not knowing what lay ahead for them, for Justin, but they knew that they would face it as one and so the armour of love grew just that much thicker as their souls joined in preparing for the coming battle for life.