Chapter 15

Part 1

Doctor Mills-Smith hated when he was called to attend at Eric Martin. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about the patients, it was just that in many cases they eventually came to his attention too many times until eventually he was powerless to help. He just couldn’t accept that some preferred death to living; after all he took the oath seriously, or thought he did. He was a warrior for life, something an old medical professor had called Doctors, that they had enlisted in the army of the healers, that he was a trained warrior dedicated to battle the evil enemy Death. Strange, he hadn’t thought about that for a long time and he wondered whatever had happened to that professor? Doctor Henry Mills-Smith hurried along the underground passageway towards the Eric Martin pavilion wondering how the hell someone under suicide watch could get his stitches out?

The elevator door opened on the fourth floor and he was immediately buzzed inside to the secure wing, where he hurried over to the main desk. He could see a hand sticking up from behind and as he came around the large chest high counter he saw the young man. He stopped for a minute or two as recognition came flooding into his mind. This was the gay kid from the a few days ago, the one who had been brought in by his lover and he shook his head, wondering what it was that drove these suicides.

He smiled at the orderly, as he saw that the man had done a good job of treatment. Robbie’s hand was elevated and he was laying prone on a reclining chair, a tourniquet was around the upper portion of the arm and he could see that pressure was being applied off and on to the wound site. Good first aid skills and he bent down to check the wound, telling the orderly he had done a good job. Tommy thanked the doctor and stood up, looking on with a perplexed look on his face.

Tommy had seen the sudden fear spread across Robbie’s face, and the way he had jumped out of bed he had known something was wrong, but what he didn’t know until he opened the door and saw the growing stain of blood along the wrist. At first he thought Robbie had either pulled the stitches out or found a way to make a new cut, but that was impossible as he examined the bandage. It was still intact, still exactly as he had done it up just a few hours earlier as was required. He had changed the dressing, and he had marvelled at how well it seemed to be healing, and even Robbie had smiled at that comment and yet here it was, blood slowly oozing out from around the stitches.

Doctor Henry looked at the arm, stepping back a little as he stared at it. The stitches were all intact, the arm had no new marks, nothing and yet blood seeped out from under the scab and where he had stitched the skin together. There was no way it should be oozing blood, as it still looked like it was healing. He couldn’t explain it and he stared at Robbie, asking if he had touched it or banged it. Tommy quickly told him that the bandage was intact when he unravelled it before calling the Doctor.

There was an emergency cart and he stared at it, wondering if he should perhaps have Robbie taken over to the ER, and he looked up at Tommy, seeing the concern in his face and then he looked over at Robbie and saw his fear as well. Well, if he were showing fear, maybe he was over his death kick, and looking at the wrist, he was puzzled by how it could be bleeding. The only thing he could imagine was that a stitch or something under the skin had let go early, but still, it shouldn’t be oozing like this and it wasn’t old blood either, it was rich and red in colour and warm which made his mind up for him.

Doctor Henry Mills-Smith “Well, guess my handiwork isn’t so good, must need sewing lessons hey son?”

He smiled at Robbie, hoping to calm him a little, give him some reassurances that it wasn’t as bad as it looked. The Doctor looked into Robbie’s face and he could see the terror there but also something else, the pain perhaps or maybe something else. He wasn’t really sure as he turned towards the orderly.

Doctor Henry “I think we’ll take him over to Emerg, need to find out where its bleeding from, you want to call for a porter?”

Tommy “Yes Doctor, uh, the bandage, it wasn’t messed with, really Doc.”

Robbie “I didn’t touch it, honest, it just, I mean, it’s bad isn’t it?”

Doctor “No, no it isn’t bad, and I believe you both, okay? Now please call for a porter, we’ll get him over to emerg and take some pictures, most likely one of the sub-sutures dissolved early, that’s all, nothing to worry about.”

Robbie felt strange, not light headed or anything, but it was strange to see all that blood again, and he felt shame but that didn’t seem to be all that was happening. He was confused, almost as if he had to be somewhere, as if he were being called and he couldn’t quite hear the voice calling. It was all strange to him and he saw the Doctor staring at him as if trying to question him, as if he were looking for some answers but Robbie didn’t have any.

It really was a weird feeling as he heard the elevator door open and the squeak of old wheels as a porter appeared with a hospital gurney. For a second he felt the panic returning to his heart as he stared with wide bulging eyes at the Doctor and then at the orderly, Tommy.

Tommy smiled down at him and helped the porter get him up on his feet. Robbie felt a little dizzy but Tommy’s strong arms held him from falling and he thanked him, hearing the soft calming voice telling him it was okay and he saw a thin reassuring smile on the orderly’s face. He liked Tommy; he had been decent to him from the first and had made him feel more human than like a freak.

Robbie “Thanks, sorry for the bother.”

It was strange how sometimes people would come through this ward and make a connection. Normally he tried to stay clear, to be aloof as he had been taught but there were the special cases that came along where that was impossible. Robbie was one of those and for the life of him he couldn’t explain why either. All he knew was that he had to go that little extra distance, that it did matter.

Tommy “Hey, not your fault, now you just relax, uh, want me to uh call, uh your friend?”

Robbie “Huh? No, no its okay, isn’t it Doc?”

Doctor “Well, doesn’t look serious, some mending of my stitches I think is all, but it could take a bit of time, but you’ll be fine.”

Hearing the Doctor’s calm soothing words helped. For a second there he had thought it was far more serious than they were willing to tell him. All that blood and he really hadn’t touched it and he didn’t think he had banged it either, least he didn’t think he had.

Tommy wanting to call Josh was tantalizing for a second, he really did want to see him but not like this, not back in the Emergency Room again and he felt his shame rising up again, but it was joined by something else, some other strange feeling of almost, well almost like impending doom or something ominous like that. He couldn’t shake that feeling but he did manage to quell some of his fears as he looked up at Tommy.

Robbie “Okay, uh thanks Tommy, but no, no sense in worrying him”

Tommy “Okay, uh Doc? There isn’t anyone to go along, my relief isn’t due for another hour, uh…”

Doctor Henry “Shit, forgot about that, uh, I suppose I can get security to sit with him.”

Tommy could see how frightened Robbie was starting to look once more and he rested his one hand on Robbie’s shoulder, trying to get him to relax a little. He saw his chance once again and he prayed that this time Robbie would pick up on it as he turned to the Doctor.

Tommy “I could call his friend, I know Robbie, but look at it this way, this way he can sit and talk with you while you wait, instead of some bored security guard? How about it? Doc?”

Doctor Henry “Fine with me, how about it son?”

Tommy was looking right at him, almost as if he were pleading with him to accept the offer, to let him call Josh or at least his father. He really didn’t want them to come down but then he realized, it would at least be a chance to see him, to maybe explain to him a little, but his mind was still foggy and he could feel the pain in his wrist. It wasn’t just throbbing now, but was shooting bolts of pain into him and he shivered a little, frightened at what was happening.

Robbie “Okay, just don’t, I mean don’t make it sound serious, I mean…”

Tommy “That’s okay, I know how to do it, thanks Doc.”

Doctor Henry “Okay Tommy, let’s go, I need to get back and we need to get you, my young friend, taken care of, so let’s get a move on, the night is early yet.”

The Doctor had glanced up at the clock at the main desk and he saw the hands creeping past the midnight hour. He knew that soon his emergency room would begin to fill up with the nightly cases of people who had too much to drink, had taken too many different drugs or too much of one and he hoped he could get this attended to before the rush started. Funny how it always coincided with near bar closing time but then, that was the nature of the beast, wasn’t it?

Part 2

Rabbi Goldberg put the magazine down and stared over at his wife as his eye caught the slow moving hand of the clock above the mantle. He felt uneasy for some reason and he knew his wife felt the same as she kept her eyes downwards, trying to keep within the frame of the needlepoint that she was working on. He could see her hands trembling a little with each push of the needle and ever now and then, she would look up and stare into his face. She always smiled and he returned the smile but he knew in his heart that she felt the same unease as he did.

The meeting with Pastor Johnson hadn’t gone exactly as he had hoped, but in the end it all seemed okay, so that shouldn’t be causing his worry. Even the phone call from the lawyer, Myron, had gone well and yet somehow he just knew that something was amiss. Adele had picked up on it too, telling him that it was all okay, that it would be fine as she went to remind Joshua to drive carefully and to not be too late.

That too had gone better than he had hoped and he had such pride in both of his boys. The way they had spoken up to that Pastor, had stood their ground when needed and what more could a father ask than to see his sons being men? Yet still he felt uneasy, unsure of what it was that was troubling his heart and every now and then he found himself staring upwards, his heart asking for HIS guidance and yet nothing came, no answers came to him as he tried to read, waiting for Joshua and Joel to return home.

Adele “They’ll be alright Abner, stop worrying.”

Abner “I know that, and look who’s talking huh? Still…”

Adele “Yes, still…”

She laid the needlepoint on her lap and stared at her husband, feeling his nervousness, his fear and she too felt it as if it were something real. It was like you could almost reach out and touch it but you were just too frightened. She felt a chill creep into her body as she realized how much she loved that man sitting so calmly in the big chair.

He may not be any Rock Hudson but to her, he was a Greek Adonis, and so intelligent too. She smiled a little as she remembered earlier, how proud he looked when Joshua spoke up to that Pastor fellow, and then when Joel opened his pisk[1. mouth, being opinionated, vocal, argumentative.], well you could see the naches[2. pride] in his eyes only grow. Such wonderful boys, and yet it was so hard for them, so much grief, so much tzsuris[3. troubles, grief] at their age but such was life, and yet she still couldn’t shake the feeling.

Abner “You are still certain of this mama?”

Adele “Yes papa, I am, the Fishers, you think they will make trouble?”

Abner put his magazine down and looked at his wife of so many years, feeling once more that sense of pride, that sense that his life had been made whole the instant she had accepted him as hers. It hadn’t changed in all of the 34 years that they had been married. Through it all, he felt that their love had never wavered, never lessened and if anything had grown beyond even his wildest dreams. She was such a wonderful, kind woman, and he felt the love in his heart for her, hoping that they were doing the right thing.

Abner “The Fishers? No, I don’t think so, but who knows, the zaideh[4. grandfather], he seems a mentsh[5. gentleman, decent chap] but it is the father that has me worried, perhaps he might; but whatever happens, it happens and we’ll deal with it, nu?”

Adele “Naturally, so why are we on such shpilkes[6. on edge, nervous, antsy]?”

Abner “Who knows, maybe it is that the boys are out so late?”

The sound of the phone ringing brought both upright in their chairs. The looks of stark terror passed quickly but they both felt it deep within their hearts. Abner rose up to head for the phone while his wife followed him with her heart in her mouth. The quiver inside was rising as she waited for the news and she glanced up at the clock, seeing the hands slowly moving towards 1am and she looked at the front door, wondering where were her two boys.

It was like a knife through his heart, the harsh ring of the phone and immediately he prayed for strength, wondering what new tragedy would strike now, as his eyes saw the time. He barely had time to glance at his wife, seeing the fear in her face but as he walked hurriedly towards the ringing phone, he could feel her strength, her will asserting itself once more and he too felt the sudden calm, knowing that whatever else this meshugeh[7. crazy] world would throw at them, they would face it together, as one.

Reaching the phone, he stood up straight and tall and she saw how he looked, ready for whatever was to happen and she felt a calm inside, a sort of serenity as she knew that it was only the beginning of something that would test them all. Her heart cried out for Joshua and Joel as she stared with pride at her man, at her love.

Part 3

Just the touch of his hand on some of the clothes made his heart ache and his soul cry a little. He really wondered why, what it was that was so terrible, so horrid that Robbie couldn’t face it, couldn’t tell him? He knew that he didn’t talk about his family at all, hardly mentioning them and he never even said he had a brother, which even he had done. It wasn’t that he and Joel were on the best of terms then either, but to not even acknowledge his existence was unthinkable but yet that is exactly what Robbie had done.

Even Joel seemed to feel the sadness in the room and it shouldn’t be that way, it should be a room that gave off warm feelings not sad ones and until a few days ago that is exactly how he thought of this room. Now it was all changed and he couldn’t understand why, and that made his heart heavy, his soul sad and he could feel the damn tears again. Christ, how much could a person cry before they ran out of tears?

It was all strange to him as he watched the way his brother moved around the bedroom. Part of his mind wanted to run out, to get away from where his brother and some other guy had done it, had had sex and yet another part was curious, wondering if two guys making out was really all that different than a guy and girl. It just was too bizarre for him to grasp, that and the fact that the guy was a jock, a good one too only made him think more about how bizarre life was.

Watching the way Josh’s body would shake a little each time he touched something of Robbie’s, the way his hand would tremble as he picked up a shirt or brushed up against it made him wonder if anyone, guy or girl, would ever feel that much for him. Would any of the girls he had sort of dated ever tremble at touching a part of his clothing as Josh did with Robbie’s? In a weird way he was feeling kind of jealous at that too, knowing inside of his heart that his brother was deeply in love.

Thinking about it, he could see it in Josh’s eyes, the way they would suddenly light up as a memory of Robbie and him would flash inside and then he saw how the life just seemed to drop away, as the memory of that night came back to him. Why did Robbie do it? It was so unreal, so scary to think that here was a guy who had it all, girls, fame, a future, and it all lay in the garbage for some unknown reason. It just didn’t make any sense and he could almost feel Josh’s pain as he saw his brother try to figure it out. He could see it in how he moved, how Josh even talked, that he was confused, uncertain and afraid and that made him scared too.

He had been so angry with Josh, hell he still felt anger at him but now it was also at himself and even at Robbie too. Deep inside he felt like there was so much he didn’t know, didn’t understand but yet, he also knew that he couldn’t run, couldn’t escape what he had hoped he could before. Joel knew that he was different, maybe not gay like Josh was, but that he had a different sense of right and wrong that was starting to make him uneasy, make him feel like he had some obligation to something or someone.

At first he had thought it was to Josh, to stop being a brat and to swallow his anger but sitting in the living room, listening to that Pastor, it seemed clearer to him then, that whatever it was, was bigger than just his family. He didn’t know what it was that he wanted out of life, but he knew he didn’t want to spend it cowering, hiding from being who he was, just that, well he wasn’t sure yet who or what he was.

The place was starting to give him even more of the creeps as he saw Josh stand up straight. He could see a strange look in his eyes and his heart seemed to just stop for a second as he stood up, still and quiet. Joel could hear his own breathing, and he looked at Josh with wide eyes, feeling the pulsing beat of his heart and yet he didn’t understand, didn’t know why but he felt sweat starting to bead on his own forehead as he too stood up.

The two brothers stared at each other and Joshua felt the love coming towards him, but not from Joel, but from all around him and he turned to take it all in. His eyes were still watering but his heart no longer beat with any hesitancy, instead it seemed to follow a strong steady rhythm that echoed in his ears. He felt a sharp pain deep in his midriff, and yet it passed so quickly, he wasn’t even sure it had been real and yet he knew it had been.

His questions about ‘why’ still persisted but they were being muted by a new feeling, one of quiet resolve as his heart continued to beat steady, continued to pulse within as if nothing the doubts could say would change or alter his course. For the first time since he had walked in and found Robbie sprawled out in the bathroom, he felt certain that he could face all the horror and terror that was waiting for him. Josh didn’t understand it, how in less than a blink of an eye he could no longer feel beaten or discouraged but instead feel so alive, so hopeful; but however it happened, he thanked God for it as his eyes opened and let the tears run down his cheeks.

He reached out and closed the suitcase, knowing that he would be back to this place, to gather what there was of his and Robbie’s life here, but that they would never live here again, that this had merely been a stopping off place for what lay ahead for them both. Somehow, he just knew that all of this was merely a prelude to what lay in store, that the happiness he had felt here was just a taste, just a wetting of what lay ahead if he had the balls to reach out and take it. Josh couldn’t put into words the immense strength that seemed to suddenly fill his heart nor could he even explain to his own amazed brain why he knew that as much as he loved Robbie now, it would not compare to how much he would love him in the future.

The cloud of darkness still hovered over him; he knew that as he snapped shut the suitcase and looked at the questioning face of his younger brother. How innocent he looked, standing there with his head cocked to one side, how frightened too, but through all that he saw how much they still loved each other. It was funny, they said you never could pick your family, that you were stuck with the luck of the draw, but if that were true, then he had a damn good hand dealt him, because he had the four aces, he had his mother and father, he had Joel and he still had Robbie.

Josh “This will do for now, come on, mama and papa are going to be getting worried.”

Joel “Okay, uh Josh?”

Josh “I know Joel, you don’t have to say it.”

Joel “Yeah, I do… I love you.”

Josh “I love you too, now come on, shake a leg or you can explain to mama why we were so long.”

Joel “No chance, that’s your job, part of being the older one.”

Josh “Smart ass, come on!”

Josh swung the suitcase and pushed at Joel with his other hand as they left the room. Joel suddenly felt the love that was in that love and he realized that it wasn’t just Josh’s love for him, but the love that Josh shared with Robbie and he suddenly realized that he hadn’t really lost a brother, but perhaps was gaining a second older brother. He couldn’t explain it, but it made him feel a little better as they rode down in the elevator, the apartment locked and the horror that had been inside, locked and pushed away for the moment.

Opening the entrance door to the outside, they could hear the noise of the busy street. Cars were whizzing past and Joel saw Josh glance at his watch and he could see his face grow a bit concerned as he hurried outside, and Joel knew they had been gone too long. Well, like he had said, Josh could do the explaining and it felt good to think that, to once more know that it wasn’t just him, that once more he had someone to rely on who was family. The beat of his heart was steady as he let the door close, his walk a bit lighter as he no longer felt the fear holding him captive.

Joel didn’t hear it at first; he was too lost in the warm fuzzy feelings that were filling his mind with all sorts of things. He almost bumped into Josh as his brother had heard the noise and stopped.

Joel “Hey, what’s up?”

Josh “Sssh, can’t you hear it? There… hear it?”

The sudden change in Josh’s facial expression drove away all of the warmth and he felt that same fear coming again, the one that he had tried to ignore but his heart skipped a beat as he saw the look in Josh’s eyes. Joel heard the noise now, as he saw Josh drop the suitcase and peer over towards the huge tree off to the side of the sidewalk. He looked too as he heard that whimpering sound, sort of like a dog in pain but that wasn’t an animal moaning and the cold crept into his body as he saw Josh start to walk towards the tree.

Josh saw the dark outline of something and at first he didn’t know what it was, if it were some large dog or just a piece of branch that had fallen from the huge tree but the noise, it was coming from that direction. Each soft whimper, soft moan made his heart stop, made him feel chilled and he could feel the fear once more rising up deep inside of him. How much more was he going to have to endure he thought, but as he did, he felt the answer coming from his heart.

“Whatever it will be, it will be.”

Somehow he took comfort from that, and as he peered into the darkness he thought he saw the shape move and he could hear the noise now, not really a whimper but more like a sound someone in pain would make and then it hit him. That sound, that noise was no different than the one Robbie had made when he had walked in on him that night.

His heart started to beat faster as he dropped the suitcase and began to head towards the dark shape. He had no idea who it was, but he recognized the sound now and it brought a cold chill to his body as he felt his legs trembling with each step he took. There was no explaining it, no way to dampen the eerie sense of déjà vu that crept into him as he grew closer to the darkened figure laying out under the tree. There was no accounting for the wild beat of his heart as he broke into a jog after the first couple of steps as he knew deep in his heart that he was once more being thrust into a situation out of his control, out of his means of solving.

The figure moved a bit and he could see that it was a young kid, not some drunk or doped out derelict, and his heart pounded in his ears as he reached the boy’s side. The pain in the voice was evident and yet it was so soft, almost as if there were barely any strength left to it and he shivered, feeling that night all over again. In a flash he could see the lifeless eyes of his lover, the way they just looked so empty, so dull, and the blood, it was all over and yet it was the eyes that made him cringe, made him pray for God’s intervention and now once more he was seeing it all again.

The boy looked to be Joel’s age, his jeans were dirty and the runners’ dark but he saw the dark patch on one leg, and he knew that it was blood. The ground around the leg was also a darker colour as he heard his brother coming up from behind. Josh glanced up at the boy’s face and he felt his heart stop in sudden fear. The face, it was a younger version of Robbie but that was impossible, it couldn’t be and yet the image didn’t lie, it had to be but how, why?

His mind recoiled from the shock and he heard a gasp next to him as he turned to see Joel’s face. It was white with fear and he knew that what he had seen was true, it was Justin, Robbie’s brother and he knew too that this was only a continuation of what had started a long time ago, long before even he knew either of them.

Panic tore at him, telling him to run, to hide and he almost stood up, almost reached out to grab his brother and race for the car but suddenly he felt the warmth of Robbie’s caress against his face, the soft touch of his hand against his chest and he swallowed hard, taking a deep breath as his mind fought him, but the love was too strong, too full of energy to be denied.

Josh “Joel, take the cell, call 911… HURRY!”

Joel “Josh… but it’s, I mean…”

Josh “Call… NOW!”

Joel “Yes, okay, okay I am calling. Christ Josh, its Justin, Justin Fisher!”

Josh “I know, he looks just like him, get an ambulance Joel, tell them to hurry!”

He bent down as he heard his brother giving the address and explaining what was happening, and he saw the young face, all contorted in pain but nary a tear in sight. The light from the street cast an eerie glow across them now and he wondered what it was that had happened, why was Justin even here and who had done this to him, what had happened? So many questions and as before, no answers to help ease the fear, help massage the doubts.

Joel “They are on their way…is he, I mean…”

Josh “I don’t know, he’s breathing… can you hear me Justin? Justin, can you hear me?”

Josh was leaning over Justin’s prone body and he was calling to him even as he heard a siren off in the distance. He looked down at him, seeing Robbie, seeing him leaning against the bathroom and now he saw his pain, saw his grief and he wondered what had happened. Why had Robbie left Justin alone and he felt ashamed, because he too had done the same thing; he too had abandoned his own brother but he had been given a second chance, but would Robbie get his second chance?

He felt Joel standing next to him, then the hard grip of his hand on his shoulder, so hard it almost made him cry out in pain but he bit his lip as he looked down at Justin, saw the eyes flicker a little and he felt hope returning to his heart as the eyes opened and stared up at him. Thank God he thought as he saw the eyes fix on him and then move off to one side, to stare up at Joel and then once more back to him.

Josh “Can you hear me, Justin?”

He nodded slowly, his eyes glued to Josh’s face, his body trembling a little as he licked his dry lips.

Josh “Can you tell me what happened? Can you tell me why you are here?”

Justin just looked at him, and for a second he felt the anger inside again but it no longer controlled him, he was slowly gaining his peace and he knew it as he stared into the blue eyes of his brother’s lover. He knew him now, knew that it wasn’t him who made Robbie what he was, just as it wasn’t his fault either for being who he was.

Justin “I fell off our bike… You are him aren’t you?”

Josh saw the look of hatred pass across Justin’s face and in that flashing moment he knew that Justin had recognized him for being Robbie’s lover, just as he had recognized Justin. Yet the hatred seemed muted and it passed so fast that he had trouble understanding it until he heard the thin reed like voice asking him if he were whom he had thought. In that second his heart grew still, and he smelt the sweet acrid scent of blood filling his nostril and his soul was crying out ‘not again, not again’ but it was too late, and tears filled the corners of Josh’s eyes.

Josh “Your bike? Motor bike?”

He could hear the words, they seemed to be coming from a long ways off, but his eyes said that the guy talking was right next to him, almost on top of him even but his voice was so distant, so far off. Justin could feel the pain in his leg, feel the sharp gut wrenching pain and yet it didn’t scare him anymore, it all seemed so quiet, so calm even as he stared at the face that loomed above his own.

Justin “Uh huh, it hurts now, you are him aren’t you, tell me, please.”

He is so young, and yet he isn’t even crying, not a tear or trace even and yet you can see the pain in his eyes, what is it that has this family in so much pain? First Robbie and now Justin. When is enough, enough God? When do you finally see enough and come down and end all this horror, when?

Josh “Yes, I am.”

Justin could see him kneeling there now, and he saw the eyes staring at him. It felt weird really, to see his brother’s lover staring at him but he knew that it was okay, he could see the love in Josh’s face, the way he looked so caring, so kind even and he felt better now, knowing that Robbie had someone who did care, and he couldn’t explain it, but he was suddenly happy for Robbie, happy that he no longer felt the pain either, or at least that in time he wouldn’t feel it.

Justin “I knew it, tell Robbie, sorry, okay?”

He saw it in the boy’s eyes, the way they stared into his own eyes and he shivered, feeling Justin’s soul reaching for him, feeling it touch him deep inside and as his tears rolled down his face he felt the anger too, and he looked into Justin’s face, even as much as it hurt, he had to look.

The anger was there, but it wasn’t rising but slowly being pushed aside, slowly being replaced by a deep love and he could feel Justin’s soul now, hear it as it talked to his own aching soul. There was no way for him to know what it was, but he could feel it, feel the way he just knew that what was happening was all a part of it, that what Robbie had started a few days back would need to be finished and that it was up to him, to Josh, to see that Robbie did finish it.

As his soul prayed for Justin’s soul, he felt the cause of it all, felt the pain and the sorrow and the guilt too as it all came flooding into his own body, as he held Justin’s hand now, wishing that the ambulance would get here already.

Josh “Ssh, just rest, the ambulance is on its way, you can tell Robbie yourself.”

Justin felt the touch, the warmth of Josh’s hand on his hand and it felt so good, so natural that he smiled a little. His face seemed to come alive just for an instant as he felt the peace coming to him, felt the pain starting to leave and he knew that this time, this time it would never return to haunt him, to hurt him anymore and he looked into Josh’s face, and felt the boy’s sorrow for him, when he should be happy for him, the pain was finally leaving.

Justin “No, you tell him, please, tell him that, tell him that the pain does go away, tell him.”

Josh couldn’t hold back the tears any longer, he felt them dripping down off his face and as they did, they fell lightly onto Justin’s face. He watched as they slowly rolled down the cheeks of the upraised face, and slowly he saw the eyes start to water, start to tear up and he felt the boy’s body grow warm, grow a little less tense as his tears now mingled gently with those of Justin.

Josh “I will, but you’ll talk to him yourself. Now just rest, the ambulance is here, okay, we’ll go with you, okay?”

Justin “Tell him, make sure you tell him Josh, tell him”

Josh “I will.”

The paramedics pushed him aside as they ripped off Justin’s pants, and he could see the dark red blood slowly oozing from the leg. It looked horrible as the one held the flashlight on it and then passed it to Josh to hold while he helped his partner. There was so much blood and he heard Joel off to one side, puking, as the sight was too much for Joel.

They worked hurriedly and quickly and he stood there, his heart in pieces as he held the flashlight over the two men in uniform, even though the police were there, he just stood there, holding the light until finally they lifted Justin onto a stretcher and rushed him to the large white ambulance, slamming the door and gunning the engine.

It had all happened so fast, the way they had moved to tie off the leg, one of them holding his hand against the still pulsing open wound; and as he stood there, his hands at his sides, he knew the hopelessness of it all, and he felt himself crying silently. The fire inside was nearly quenched by the pain, but it burned still, small and just barely flickering, but alive it was still, and as long as it was alive, there was always hope. Josh squared his shoulders and walked over to the car, where his brother now sat, a policeman next to him, making sure he was okay and at the same time, watching Josh.

Joel looked up from staring at his hands, fear racing unbridled within his young body as he stared up at Josh. He saw the pain in his brother’s eyes and for a mere instant he cursed that they ever heard the name ‘Fisher’ let alone knew them, but it passed as his compassion rose up, quelling the anger and his soul scolded him as it softly spoke to him, reminding him of his duty to his brother, and the tears dried up for a moment as he stood up. His face said it all and even the cop turned away as Josh opened his arms and held tightly to his young brother.

Josh “Did you call home?”

Joel “Yes.”

One word and yet as he heard it he knew that this was going to be a long night for him and his family. He could hear in the way his brother spoke and how he squirmed a bit in the tight hold of his arms. He placed both hands on Joel’s shoulders, feeling the blood running hotly within and stared into the smouldering eyes that were like looking in a mirror at times.

Josh “Nu?”

Joel “It’s… papa and mama are going to meet us at the hospital.”

Josh “Why?”

Joel “Uh, Robbie, uh…”

He staggered for a second as he heard Joel speak his name, and he felt the fear inside, the dark terror raging upwards to try and once more consume him, to once more reach deep inside of him and quench his spirit. But he fought it, as hard as that was, he fought within and he felt his brother’s hands reach for him, hold him upright and he even could see the policeman turn and stare, take even a step forward but he saw Joel shake his head and the man stopped, watching. Slowly the grip of his brother held him steady and as the war raged inside of him he stared into Joel’s face, praying that it wasn’t what he had feared, praying to a God that he barely knew and yet knew so well.

Joel “It’s okay Joshie, honest, his stitches came loose, that’s all, he isn’t in any danger, the orderly that called, he said it might be a way for you to talk to him, it isn’t serious, please…”

Josh turned away for a moment, the tears once more falling and he cursed his weakness and then he slowly felt the flames of his soul as they warmed his heart. He felt the power of that wonderful organ as he fought the fear and panic to another standstill and he turned, looking at the dark patch under the tree. How cruel life was at times and yet, despite all of its cruelty there was always hope, as long as a person wished it. He stood upright now, a thin smile on his lips as he looked back to his brother, seeing the man starting to emerge from behind the boyish looks and he knew the feeling that his own father must feel each time he looked at them both and it gave him hope.

Josh “Thank God for small miracles, I am okay Joel.”

Joel “Sure?”

Josh “No, but it’ll do for now, you tell papa about Justin?”

Joel “Yeah, that’s when he said that he and mama would meet us at the hospital.”

Josh “How, we have the car, give me the phone, we’ll swing by and pick them up.”

Joel “They said they were calling a taxi, most likely they have already left, Josh.”

Josh took the phone and stared at it and then at his brother. How like his father, not even batting an eye and he was there, before he could even ask for his help he was there, just like when he had called after Robbie had… the pain grew inside and he felt it rising up but he knew that it was all a part of life, of growing old in a world gone mad but still his world, his to change or not.

Slowly he put the phone in his pocket and looked over to the policeman. It was strange to see him just standing there, his car was behind theirs but the blue lights still were flashing and he wondered, what he must be thinking, was he bored or did he care that a young boy was minutes away from death or life?

Josh “Uh, Officer, we are going to the hospital, if you need us for anything else…”

Police Officer “That’s okay Mr. Goldberg, we have all we need, are you okay to drive? Perhaps you should…”

Josh “Yes, I am okay, I’ll take it easy, thank you.”

Police Officer “Okay, uh, we can give you a lift if you want, your car is okay here for now.”

Josh “Thank you but no, my father is meeting us at the hospital. He can drive us home later, thanks.”

He could see the look in Joel’s face, almost like he was begging him to let the officer drive them but he needed the time where his mind could be concentrating on something other than what he knew lay ahead for him and for Robbie. It was all he could do, but he knew that right now he needed to be with Robbie and he slowly walked around the car, noticing the suitcase in the back seat and he turned to see Joel peering at him over the roof of the car. He smiled at his brother and climbed in, the police officer standing and watching.

Part 4

Doctor Henry Mills-Smith listened as the paramedic related the vital signs and all that they had done. While his mind was listening, his hands were slowly moving along the exposed leg, a unit of blood swinging above his head as he tried to feel for a pulse in the groin, and he shook his head, feeling the strain of another night in the emergency room.

They had rushed the boy in and he had seen the expert work they had done in trying to stem the tide but too much time seemed to have passed, but as much as he wished otherwise, he had little hope in his heart as he started to pump the thin plastic bag, and ordered more units hung. He was in a fight and once more the old saying of his professor came racing into his mind, once more he donned the cloak of warrior and he squared his shoulders as he began to fight hand to hand with his mortal enemy, with death.

He barked orders to the nurses standing near by and like a good general he began to gather his forces; desperate to fling back the latest assault that was threatening him. Doctor Henry took it personally, each case was fought with all of his skill but he was tired now, worn out as he forced himself to once more rise up to the challenge that was being pressed relentlessly by a ruthless enemy. Death gave no quarter and Doctor Henry expected none as he began to assemble his army. Tests were ordered, blood counts yelled for and drugs ordered as he used all of his skill to snatch victory out of the jaws of defeat.

“Not this time you fiend, he is too young for you!”

The paramedic turned at the doctor’s words and shook his head. He knew that if there was any chance for the kid, it was that Doctor Henry was working on him, but even that might not be enough. If only those two had found him sooner, then maybe there would be hope, if only.

He turned the corner and walked past the white draped curtain that shut the hallway off from the emergency waiting room. He saw an old couple sitting on the blue bench, their hands clasped together and he could tell that the man was praying. Strange how often you saw that in a hospital waiting room, and yet as he passed by, he wondered if it really made any difference for the person being prayed over or was it just a way for the waiting friends and family to ease their own doubt, their own suffering?

The paramedic walked outside to the waiting ambulance and his partner. He lit up a cigarette the second that the he was past the automatic doors and he breathed it in, hating his job for the umpteenth time in his career. He swore that one day he would just chuck it all in and head off to do ranching or something where he didn’t have to deal with humans and their constant suffering.

Walking over to his ambulance, he saw his partner leaning against the door, the gurney piled with fresh blankets and linens and he saw the questioning look and he just shook his head as he lifted up on the end of the stretcher.

Paramedic #2 “Is he?”

Paramedic #1 “Hanging in so far.”

Paramedic #2 “Who’s working on him?”

Paramedic #1 “Doc Henry.”

Paramedic #2 “Well if he’s got any chance, it’s with him, man he lost a lot of blood.”

Paramedic #1 “Too much, but the doc is in there giving it his all, cussing away already.”

Paramedic #2 “Shit!”

Paramedic #1 “Yeah!”

The other paramedic looked at his partner and then climbed into the back of the ambulance, lifting up the stretcher and feeling like it had all been a waste. If Doc Henry was already cussing at Death then it had to be pretty hopeless. Such a shame too, the kid looked so young, so innocent and yet he didn’t make a sound all the way in, he just lay there and cried softly.