Chapter 13

Part 1

She sat at the little round table just staring at the empty glass. It wasn’t fair, it really wasn’t but that was life, so everyone told her. Trouble with all that was that there was only so much a person could take before they snapped and she knew inside that her limit had been reached a long time ago. Her head rose up as she tried to get the waitress’s attention, and eventually she managed to make eye contact, lift up her glass and nod to it, knowing that another concoction would shortly be on its way to her.

It wasn’t like she was a lush, but lately she had been winding up in this place, before making that final sojourn to her own empty apartment on Dallas Road. Strange, she had lived there on a road that overlooked the entire pacific ocean. She could see the freighters gliding by on their way to dock at Ogden Point or make their way further up to Esquimalt or even up the coast, the cruise ships in the summer would also come by her very own front window and yet it no longer held her attention. She had taken it for granted, just as she was taking her job for granted.

Funny thing about living on the edge of the water, it never really seemed all that calm, all that peaceful as the wind was always lurking, always waiting for that special moment to swing around and surprise the unsuspecting, just as her job seemed to be doing these days.

Christ, did she have another Cory on her hands or was it perhaps another Christopher? What was Robbie Fisher’s real story, why did he get so easily inside of her armour? Why could she not get rid of the look of his eyes, the way he just stared at her and was immediately inside, delving deep down into her inner soul, her secret place where all the doubts and all the fears had yet to penetrate, until now?

Being back in that room was the cause, but then, this hadn’t been the first time she had been back there, back to that same cubicle where some unfortunate young man or boy was ensconced, so why did it hit her so hard today? What the hell was it about him that made her so uneasy, so frightened of what tomorrow might bring her? For a mere moment back there, she had thought she knew Robbie Fisher, that he was someone she had seen long before today but it couldn’t be, not the same boy or could it?

Her mind struggled to go back to that painful time, that time when her world had neatly fallen apart in her lap. Nothing ever had been the same since then, and so far she still hadn’t been able to comprehend why her life had changed. Cory Treat wasn’t the first young boy to have committed suicide or the first client that she had lost to a violent act. Her case files were filled with young boys and girls who had succumbed to being another statistic in a growing list of numbers. It was perhaps the fact that she knew before it happened that it would, she had known his desperation but ignored it and worse, she had accepted the department’s guidelines and helped to return him to the very place where he was vulnerable.

His death had been a shock, not because it was unexpected or that she couldn’t have foreseen it, she had foreseen it, but because it was a death that inside, she knew she was responsible for. He was so young too, and yet in the few conversations he was so much older than his years would make you think. His voice had a sweetness to it that reached far inside, touched her soul even and she had turned her back on all that, had gone with the rules, the guidelines, and forced him back to a family that cared not for him, but for their standing, their position in the community.

Oh sure, they clucked and beat their chests in feigned distress about their poor little boy, but it wasn’t him that was making them upset, it was what would the neighbours or their friends say if they knew they had a fag for a son. It wasn’t even that he had tried to commit suicide that had them in tears but that it might be leaked to the press, after all the police had been involved. That as well had them nervous, wondering how they would explain the police cars, the ambulance, to their neighbours, and as she watched the waitress angling towards her, she realized that not once in any of the interviews with Cory’s parents did they even ask how he was doing, how he was coping, or even what had made him feel so hopeless.

Strange how she never noticed that before, stranger still how only now did she remember the young boy at the funeral. He was off to one side, standing by a huge elm tree and she had spied him there, wondering if he were a school friend or just some kid who had wandered into the cemetery and was curious about the adults all dressed in dark, some of them crying, others just sombre, and some just talking. Even then there was something about him though, something that made her keep looking in his direction and she knew now what it was, it was the eyes, the piercing eyes that smouldered and flashed fire, just as they had a few short hours ago. Nothing had changed, and yet everything had changed.

They never spoke, each time that she thought she could make her way to him, he would move, or warn her off with that look, that look that spoke volumes but which she hadn’t even come close to understanding, until maybe now. He wasn’t overly tall, skinny really and his hair was unkempt and his face seemed swollen and red, and she looked down at her glass, realizing it was empty once more. She didn’t even remember drinking it but it was empty none the less. Her head came up again, signalling for another as her memory continued to flash the images before her.

She could see him just as if he were there now, and she thought about that, wondering just how she was going to get home in her state, but then she really wasn’t too interested in getting home, not to a cold lifeless apartment that held nothing for her but emptiness. Her life was empty, just as her heart must be empty otherwise why did it take her six years to realize that the boy standing by the huge weathered tree had been crying, that his redness, the swollen cheeks weren’t from running or anything else, but was from grief.

A trained observer, a specialist in dealing with troubled youth and she couldn’t even tell when a child had been crying, she couldn’t even tell when a child was in such pain, such agony that death was a viable escape and Cory Treat had paid for that blindness, that ignorance with his life. How many others were also paying for her blindness, her lack of courage?

“Let me get that!”

Debbie looked up to see a familiar face, at least he looked like someone she knew but for a few moments she just couldn’t place the face with any name. She looked at him, not saying a word as he passed a crumbled bill towards the waitress who smiled and left another drink ordered by the man.

Debbie “Thanks… do I know you?”

Myron “Yeah, we met on the ‘Ewart’ case last year.”

Debbie “Oh right, you were that new lawyer with McIsaac’s, guess you earned your money on that one, nice kid though, should have been the parents on trial though.”

Myron “Well, not my call.”

Debbie “No, mine, but as usual I backed down, did what I was ordered to do, just like you if I remember right, you really weren’t too keen on it either, Myron… THAT’S YOUR NAME, oops, sorry.”

He was surprised at her remembering his name but he was more surprised to find that she was drunk, or at least darn close to it. It just wasn’t an image he would associate with a veteran of Social Service like her. She had a fierce reputation in the department and in the court system as being a rigid no nonsense defender of kids and the poor, yet here she was, definitely tipsy if nothing else. For a second, it made her look human, and he kind of enjoyed that.

Myron “Uh, just how many of those have you had?”

Debbie “How many? I don’t know, seems like not enough or maybe too much, not really sure right now.”

Myron “Maybe you should have a coffee or something, have you eaten anything yet?”

Debbie “Eaten? You mean food?”

Myron “Yes, food, they have some good sandwiches here, why don’t I order you one?”

Debbie “Sure, why not, have one yourself, seeing as how… why are you here by the way?”

She leaned back into the chair, the soft leather groaning a little as she tried to focus on the man now seated across from her. He wasn’t bad looking actually, over weight and short but he had nice eyes, eyes that didn’t seem to penetrate, to dig into you and demand answers like some eyes did. No he really wasn’t all that bad looking and he smelt nice too, she could smell that cologne and knew it wasn’t a Zeller’s special, but something from a high classed place.

Myron “Actually I was down the road, visiting a new client in hospital.”

Debbie “Oh? Say whatever happened to that Ewart boy? You ever hear anymore?”

Myron “He’s in Ponoka, doing 5 for home invasion.”

Debbie “And I bet his parents are glad its not here; well, we all knew it would end up that way, didn’t we?”

Myron “I suppose.”

The way he said it made her look up at him. The sadness in his voice was unusual in a lawyer, and when they had crossed paths in that court case, there had been something about him, something in his manner that had made her wonder, made her find out a bit more about him other than the normal legal bio that she had gotten. He was rather intriguing and for a second she wondered if he had found himself a girlfriend yet, as she remembered he was single.

Debbie “New client huh? Criminal or have you gotten smart and gone into civil matters?”

Myron “Smart? I don’t know, there is good money in criminal law too, but you really have to be good at it; doing bit of both at the moment, and no, not criminal really, young boy tried to kill himself, I am doing this as a favour.”

The words hit her like a ton of bricks. She sat upright in the chair and pushed back a lock of her hair as she looked at Myron Schecter, her eyes searching for a clue as to the identity of the client. Her heart began to race and she could feel the sweat beading up on the palms of her hands.

Debbie “Young boy? Fisher? You handling the Fisher case? Who asked you to?”

He had seen how she had suddenly sprang to attention, and once more he could see the image that her reputation spoke of come into being. The alcohol no longer held her in its grip, and he could feel her eyes probing him, searching for answers that he knew he’d have to give her, after all she was the social worker assigned to the case. Too bad, he wouldn’t have minded seeing where this meeting might go if there wasn’t the case to deal with.

Myron “Yeah, Robbie Fisher, understand you were there a bit before me, well actually a fair bit before me.”

Debbie “Yeah I was, how does he rate one of McIsaac’s top new lawyers?”

Myron “He doesn’t, but I was asked to represent him by the Rabbi, kind of hard to refuse him too, he’s quite the pit bull it seems, lot different than his predecessor.”

Debbie “The Rabbi? That man sure gets around. So, what is your plan?”

Myron “Get him out of there; you going to oppose his request for release?”

Debbie “Me? No, I should though, don’t like the idea of him going back to that apartment with no back up, no real support there.”

Myron “Oh he’s not going back there.”

Debbie “Where is he going then? The Rabbi’s house? Haha..”

Myron “Actually, yes, that is where he is going, how did you know?”

Debbie “This a joke Myron? I don’t like it if it is.”

Myron “No joke, the Rabbi told me that if Robbie agreed, he was welcome to come live at their place until he gets better. I don’t joke about these things.”

Debbie “No, guess you wouldn’t, sorry. Well, I’ll be damned, this Rabbi of yours, he sure is full of surprises.”

Myron “Mine? Not a member, but yeah, he certainly is, but he’s asking for trouble I think. Not too sure how the congregation will take to him taking in a suicide, then also that the suicide is gay and for the grand finale, is the Rabbi’s son’s lover, man talk about a stacked deck!”

Debbie “You explain all that to him?”

Myron “You haven’t met him yet?”

Debbie “No, why?”

Debbie “Damn, I wish it was someplace else, bad enough its with your people, but why does it have to be the Rabbi’s too boot?”

Myron “Excuse me? What’s wrong with him staying with Jews?”

Debbie “Makes my job a lot tougher, you people stick together so close, its hard for me to do my job, that’s why, no offence, the Chinese are as bad too, I know they mean well, but still.”

Myron “I don’t know much about that, never really been one for religion, but maybe the Rabbi is right. Hell, he can’t be worse than that Macgregor fellow, Jesus where do we get these Doctors from?”

Debbie “Oh you met the good doctor did you? Damned if I know where, but if we find out, we should try to ship him at least back there. Christ he is so pompous, so full of himself, I’d like to strangle him.”

The fire in her voice was something, and he liked it. It made her seem so human, so full of life and not so cold either. That was the one thing that had held him back, the way she had been so dispassionate at the hearings, the way she had almost seemed like a machine at times, then other times it was as if she genuinely did care, did have an interest in the person, not just the case. He didn’t know what to make of her right now, there was no doubt though that she had something eating at her.

Myron “Yeah he’s a gem all right, so you going to oppose my client’s request?”

Debbie “Oppose? I think if I did I would lose, and I don’t know why, but somehow I really don’t want to cross swords with your Rabbi; so no, I won’t oppose it councillor.”

Myron “Hey, Myron, remember?”

Debbie “Yeah, well anything else I can do for you Myron? I think it is time for me to leave.”

Myron “Please don’t, besides, we haven’t had our sandwiches yet, look, I didn’t come her looking for you, I came here, well, I needed a drink, I mean that Macgregor is an ass, and too, well, Robbie is so young and suicide, it just, it just gets under my skin, please, stay?”

She stared at him, blinking a few times as she carefully mulled his words over inside. He seemed so sincere and yet part of her refused to accept that he hadn’t come her on the chance she might be here. Thinking it through though, well how would he know she’d come here? As far as most knew she was a model of sobriety, not true but it was how people saw her, so maybe he was telling the truth?

Looking down for a minute, she saw the half empty glass, and she knew that she really didn’t want to leave, at least not alone and he was nice. She had thought so from the moment she first saw him; even if he was short, he had something that made her want to know him and this might be her chance.

Debbie “Okay, but not for long.”

Part 2

He punched the remote button a second time, letting the machine grunt and groan as it rewound the tape and then it stopped, and once more he let it play for him. His eyes were already squinting as he watched the game start. There was no doubt that the boy had the moves, that he had the grace that only a true natural has and he sighed as he leaned back into the comfy arm chair. He rested his head on the back and he could see it all again, smell the stale sweat, the sweet scent of popcorn, the noise, the loud stomping of feet and he felt excited, felt aroused that only something like that could do for him.

His eyes closed as the noise of the crowd overtook him and he could see it all, feel the building shaking as once more the tall young boy leapt high up in the air, the orange striped basketball perfectly seated in his hand and he could almost hear the swoosh of air as the ball sailed out and over other outstretched hands and went flying across the air, striking the glass and then quickly falling to circle the metal ring and then pass unimpeded through the white netting. He could see it all and he felt that thrill once more, felt it rising up deep inside of him.

Nothing had ever been sweeter than seeing that ball drop down so effortlessly through the hoop, nothing. And he knew that he might have that thrill again, that once more he could feel that rush of adrenalin, that feeling of pulsing testosterone as there was another natural, another effortless player who could bring him the same rush, the same chills.

He saw the faces now, one overlapping the other and he could see the resemblance, the stark similarities that showed they were related, that helped give him hope that he would once more feel that thrill, that rush but the darkness seemed to also be growing, also seemed to be reaching out. His heart was ill at ease, watching the way the slow moving darkness came forward, never really covering, never really obscuring the vision, just clouding it over, making him squint as he struggled to keep that perfect image in his mind.

Both boys had that same look, that same defiance in their eyes as they played and he could see it more so in the younger boy than he had in the older one, but yet there was a maturity in the older one, a level that seemed out of place for one so young but it was there, and it had helped him reach a level he didn’t think he could. Now here he was, once more on the verge of obtaining that level again but the clouds seemed darker, more ominous than before.

The tape came to the end, he could see the wild melee of young people on the gymnasium floor, the different coloured faces, streaked in face paint and he saw the team, all of them on shoulders of fellow students, their arms all upraised in victory and he watched as the one, the one who orchestrated it all was being carried along and he could see his joy, his real happiness but then it left, it just simply vanished and as his eyes searched the tape. Once more he saw why, saw the exact spot where that once unfettered look of joy became erased and he stared into the brooding eyes of the boy, the one who was his chance now, the brother to the one who started it all.

He trembled a little as he knew what was in store, and he couldn’t let it happen, not when he was so close, when things in his life were finally reaching a point that was where he wanted to be. No, he couldn’t let it happen and his hand may shake, but his resolve was set in stone as his fingers punched the buttons on the phone and he held it up to his ears, listening to the ring and waiting for the other voice to answer.

“It’s me, Social Services are nosing around again, its that same one too, Winston. Thought you should know, bye.”

The phone was shut off, but the receiver of the cordless unit rested in his lap as he once more set the VCR remote to rewind, once more letting himself revel in the glory of that game and of that season, and to once more dream about this year. The only trouble was, he no longer seemed excited, instead he just felt dirty and tired.

Part 3

His hand was shaking a little as he put the key into the deadbolt lock, and he was certain that Joel could hear how loudly his heart was beating but he had to do it, he had no choice even though he had options. Joel had even volunteered to go get the stuff by himself, even his own father had offered but the look in his mother’s eyes had made him refuse, even though he had almost accepted. What was it about her, the way she seemed to always read his mind like that? Maybe he was just that obvious, but somehow he knew it was more than that.

In a way he had hoped Joel wouldn’t come with him, as he needed time to try and figure out all that had gone on so far tonight, and he knew it wasn’t over yet. The way his parents had surprised him, the way they had risen to defend him and Robbie and without even knowing him too, that was something special.

The door clicked and he reached for the knob, wondering for a second what he would find inside, and with a great deal of effort he calmed the raging emotions inside of him. He had to be strong; he couldn’t look or appear weak otherwise Joel would freak, or so he thought. That, too, had surprised him, the way that Joel seemed to have grown up so much, and yet not even change. He was still as he remembered, or was that just another illusion?

So many things had appeared one way and yet weren’t. He had no idea of the strength his father could exude with just a look or even a softly spoken word, but he saw it tonight and he smiled a little, wondering what the poor minister must be thinking of them all. He shook his head a bit as he opened the door, smelling the musty scent of dust and stale air. Whatever else this place was, it had been a place where he had shared part of himself with another and for that he would always be happy, but he knew as he stepped in that he would never live here again.

The flick of a wrist and the lights blazed out in the hallway, ending the darkness that was making his heart heavy and his legs feel like cement blocks but even the bright incandescent glow couldn’t ease the fears that raged inside of him. There was so much he wanted to know, so many questions he wanted to ask but was scared to. Josh walked in, the quick gasp of breath as he heard his brother stop at the doorway and he waited, wondering what Joel was thinking, what he was feeling.

Josh took another step or two inside and he could feel Joel waiting still at the door, his fear holding him back perhaps, or was there more to it? Was it that he had never been in a place where someone had tried to kill themselves or maybe it was that this was THE place, the home where his older brother and some other guy did it? What was it that held him back and Josh turned to stare into the wide frightened eyes of his younger brother.

Josh “Weird isn’t it?”

Joel “Kind of, uh, is, I mean the bathroom, is it…”

Josh “I don’t know, I suppose it is still…”

Joel “Doesn’t it freak you out?”

Josh “Yeah, but, I couldn’t let papa come; besides, he wouldn’t know what to take and what to leave for another time.”

Joel “Still, I mean…”

Silence filled the musty apartment for several moments as both boys thought about all that had gone on here. Joel couldn’t grasp at how anyone, especially someone as talented as Robbie Fisher could want to kill himself, never mind be gay. Josh on the other hand didn’t even think about Robbie’s skills on the court, instead he wondered what had gone wrong, what had he said or done that had let Robbie feel so alone, so empty?

Walking past the bathroom on the right, the little kitchen on the left he came to their room, the place where he had thought they shared something special, a place where the world couldn’t intrude but somehow had found its way inside. He leaned against the wall feeling so very tired and so very confused. How could he have missed all the signs? Was he that blind or just plain stupid? The touch of his brother’s trembling hand made him start as he turned to see Joel standing next to him.

Joel “You okay?”

Josh “I suppose, tired I guess, and…”

Joel “Yeah, freaky.”

He smiled at his brother and then stood upright, squaring his shoulders as he managed to once more calm his nerves and push away the darkness. Josh moved forward into the bedroom, the door already open and he could feel the presence as he entered the room for the first time since it all began. It was almost as if Robbie were there, as if he could feel his presence and it made him stagger a little but he managed to continue walking in, to continue to let himself get past the fear.

The light switch was flicked up and he stared at the soft light that came down from the fixture above and he smiled as the room became bathed in a soft glowing blue. He felt Joel stiffen but he couldn’t worry about that right now, instead the memory of him coming home with Robbie, of him holding Robbie by the waist while he stood up on the jiggling bed, reaching up to turn the brass nut of the light fixture. All of that came flooding into him as the room glowed a soft blue.

It was their first shopping trip together, their first time out getting something just for them and he could hear Robbie laugh as he leaned upwards, asking if Josh were sure he could hold him, wanting to know if Josh was watching him or staring at his butt and he smiled at that memory, because he hadn’t been watching but had indeed been staring at Robbie’s butt.

Why did you do it Robbie? What did I do to make you not trust me enough to talk about whatever it was that was bugging you? It was you who said we should never have secrets, and yet here you had the biggest secret of them all? Why? What is so wrong with me that you couldn’t tell me?

Tears began to roll down Josh’s face as he stared up at the blue light glowing from the fixture. He couldn’t help it, it had all been so perfect or so he had thought but it wasn’t, it wasn’t an idyllic existence but he had been too stupid to see it, too ignorant to know that his lover was in trouble and now only by the grace of God was there maybe another chance at life together, or would Robbie even want that chance? God, what would he do if Robbie refused his help? How could he have done this and love him?

It was kind of spooky to him, to walk into a place where some guy he had known about had tried to kill himself. It was even weirder to know that this was where he and his brother made out too, which was something he really didn’t want to know about. He hoped he wouldn’t find any traces of that, like used condoms hanging on the floor or something, bad enough to think of all that blood, but the other stuff would just gross him out too much. Yet, despite those thoughts there was also the curiosity, the insane need inside that wanted to see just that, to see used condoms on the floor or a rumpled bed that had the indentations of two males still fresh in it.

Christ he was freaking himself out thinking all these weird things, but he didn’t know any fags, other than Josh and now he would be living with two of them, in his own home too and if life wasn’t strange before, it sure as hell was now. He hadn’t thought much about what his parents had offered until on the way here and he wondered, would Robbie be like the type he saw on television, or heard about? Would he be making out with Josh while everyone looked on or would he be like how he thought he had been when playing ball? Which Robbie would show up at their house?

Joel could tell that Josh was crying and it bugged him, but he knew that Josh had to handle it himself, that if he made a deal about it, well he just knew he shouldn’t, least not now. In a way he was still mad too, not so much with Josh but with Robbie. He couldn’t understand how anyone who loved someone else, like Robbie and Josh supposedly did, how they could try to kill themselves? Why didn’t he talk to Josh about whatever was pissing him off? He would do that, most people would, why didn’t he? What the fuck was so terrible that he didn’t think Josh would understand?

While he waited for Josh to calm down he looked around at the small bedroom. The blue light was kind of neat he thought, the way it just seemed to sort of light the room up but yet not make it seem so plain, so ordinary. Wonder if that was Josh’s doing or Robbie’s? Funny too, the bed was neat as a pin, almost like how his would be when he’d get home, except it was his mother who made it, but then, shit this was getting too bizarre even for him. He loved Josh but he just couldn’t figure it out, how a guy like Robbie Fisher could be queer, his brother maybe, he was a brain and never one really for sports, but Robbie Fisher? Shit, the guy in three years rewrote the high school record books and his younger brother Justin was rewriting those, so how the hell could he be queer?

Josh coughed and moved a little, startling Joel who stepped to one side, banging up against the small little table and he looked at it, seeing a small tube of something, a box of what had to be condoms, and a taller plastic bottle of some cream or other but as he stared at it, he saw something wedged around the back, just behind a leg of the table and he wondered if he should pick it up. The sound of his brother’s voice made him turn to see Josh no longer looking at the light, but instead standing by the dresser at the foot of the bed.

Joel “Sorry, what did you say?”

Josh “I asked if you could go into the hall, the closet by the front door, there should be a suitcase in there, could you get it for me?”

Joel “Okay, uh, sure, be a sec.”

Joel left the room but as he did, he turned to stare once more at the night table, wondering what it was, but his eyes glanced past the bathroom door and he could smell a sweet stale odour as he walked by it, something he hadn’t noticed when he first went past. Strange how smells lingered he thought as he opened the closet door and saw three jackets hanging there. He recognized one as a school jacket; the kind that all the kids who were on school teams wore and he knew it was Robbie’s. His hand reached out for it, shaking a little as he touched the sleeve of it, feeling the cold material and his heart seemed to grow silent, his breathing even a bit weaker as his fingers traced the two numbers sewn on the sleeve.

He dropped his hand quickly, feeling weird as if he were touching a dead body or something, even though Robbie was alive, so much alive that he would be living at his place but still, touching the jacket was like death, and it scared him. Joel could feel his legs shaking and he knew he was sweating too as he reached for the battered suitcase that he knew as Josh’s and he yanked it out, hurrying back to the bedroom and the comfort of being with his brother.

Josh “Thanks, uh, put it on the bed, okay?”

Joel “Okay.”

The bed squeaked as the suitcase slammed down onto it and Josh turned suddenly, as if he would find Robbie there, as if the noise had been Robbie jumping onto the bed, to sprawl across it and stare at him, just like he used to do. God, this was unreal as his eyes misted over again and he saw the strange look his brother was giving him. How do you explain it to him? How do you tell him that the noise of the bed made him think of all the times that he would be in here dressing and Robbie would suddenly come in and just fall onto the bed, making the bed squeak as it just did? How do you tell someone Joel’s age that when he would turn to stare at Robbie that his heart would pound with excitement, that his lungs would gasp for air at the sweet smile that would greet him? How?

Joel “How can you be so, so, I don’t know, why aren’t you mad Joshie? Why aren’t you pounding the wall instead of tearing up like you are?”

His heart became still as the sound of ‘Joshie’ echoed in his ears. It had been a long time since Joel had called him that, years in fact but it was what he used to call him when he was just a little kid, just learning to really speak even. Where ever he went, Joel used to tag along, following him and he always was asking him questions, always pestering him, but he never called him Josh, or Joshua, it was ‘Joshie’ which was the closest he could come to ‘Joshua’ which his parents always called him. God how many years ago that was and how he used to resent it at first, until he looked into Joel’s eyes. Then he didn’t mind it, as he could see how much Joel loved him, even then they had a bond that was special and so for the longest time, ‘Joshie’ was their special word, their secret name for Joel to use only, no one else was allowed.

Josh “I don’t know Joel, uh, you haven’t called me that in years?”

Joel “Called you what?”

Josh “Joshie, it is almost like, like going back in time.”

He couldn’t begin to explain it, but he sat down on the bed, pushed the suitcase to one side and stared at his younger brother. He looked at him, seeing the way his hair was short cropped, yet a lock of hair stood up, defiant as only Joel himself could be. He had that stubborn look even now, and yet as he looked at him, he saw the same little boy who used to follow him around the house, always watching him, always trying to be like him and he could feel his pain now, his anger too and he wondered if Robbie knew how much he loved him?

Joel “That used to be our word, did, I mean does…”

Josh “It is still just our word, no, no one else has ever called me that, just you, feels kind of nice to hear it again.”

Joel “I am sorry Josh, but why aren’t you mad? Doesn’t it piss you off? Why did he do this? Why didn’t he talk to you, or someone, what could be so bad?”

Josh “God I wish I knew Joel, I have tried to think about it, to reason it out, I just don’t know, I thought we loved each other, I really did, least I know I do, I know how I feel about him, even now, but I had to have done something that made him go off like this…”

Joel “You? Fuck that shit, no way could you ever do something to make anyone want to off themselves, shit, you really think you are responsible for this? Christ man, you saved his life, how can you…”

Josh “That’s just it Joel, I don’t know, I mean there wasn’t a note, nothing, I don’t know, and I need to, I just don’t know if I can ask… shit, this is too much, sorry.”

He couldn’t help himself, he started to weep in front of his brother, and as Joel reached out for him, Josh pushed aside the trembling arm, afraid to let his brother touch him, scared that if he did he would fall apart completely and for a second, just an instant, he wished that he were dead, that he would not feel all that he was feeling and he cried loudly, his sobs ripping into the still of the room.

Panic reached for Joel’s heart as his hand was pushed aside by his older brother. He couldn’t understand why Josh was crying, why he was not angry and now he felt his own body tremble in fear as his hand was rejected. The pain in his heart was too much as he shouted out, desperate to reach his brother, aching for the touch of comfort that only his big brother, his idol could give him and yet which was being denied him. In that second he hated Robbie Fisher will all of his being. Hated him for hurting Josh and hated him for taking him away from him even now, just when they were getting back together.

Joel “STOP IT, FUCK, STOP IT JOSHIE!”

Josh “I can’t help it, I am sorry, maybe you should wait in the car, I am…”

He could see the pain in Josh’s face, the way he was all twisted up inside, but he couldn’t leave, he couldn’t just ignore how he was feeling either. Joel needed Josh, he had to make him see that, to let him know how much he needed him, and to hell with Robbie Fisher, he needed Josh too.

Joel “NO, No you aren’t shoving me away again, I won’t let you, damn it, don’t you love me anymore?”

Josh “What? Of course I do, shit Joel how can you…”

Joel “Then stop pushing me away, I can take you being a fag, I can take you crying, but I can’t take you pushing me away, sending me off like you don’t want me! I can’t Joshie, please, Christ please don’t leave me again, please!”

He was in tears and Josh could see the pain written all across his young face. He didn’t know what to do, but looking at him he knew that he loved his younger brother and that he couldn’t push him away, that he needed him as much as it seemed that Joel needed him.

Josh reached out with his hand, shaking like a leaf, but he let his fingers reach the bare arm, just above the wrist and he stared at his fingers and Joel’s arm. The touch made his heart beat faster, his pulse racing as he remembered just how much he used to enjoy having Joel call him ‘Joshie’ and how it still meant more to him than anything in the world.

Raising his head, he saw his brothers face all twisted in grief and pain and his heart cried for him too, his own tears rolling down his face as he lifted his hand up and brought his other up too, spreading them apart and letting his brother fall heavily into his chest. He could smell the shampoo that Joel used and he rested his chin on Joel’s quivering head, feeling the heart wrenching sobs tearing into the young heart. There was no mistaking the fear within the boy as he held him closer with each ripping sob, trying to calm him and yet letting the tears soak into his own shirt. He knew that they were forever bound together, and that nothing could break or come between the bond that they had other than their own stupidity.

Josh “It’s okay Joel, I won’t push you away, I can’t, you are and always will be not just my little brother, but my best friend too, emmess.[1. on my honour]”