Chapter 07

Joel “Hey, what are you doing here?”

Josh turned over and stared at the doorway of the bedroom where he saw the figure of his younger brother standing. He was a gangly youth, still growing even though he complained constantly about not being tall enough. Joel had a passion for basketball, something Josh never really cared much about and according to his mom, he was planning on trying out for the High School team this year.

Josh “Sleeping until you started hollering, thought you weren’t due back till tomorrow?”

Joel “Yeah but one of the girls was in a real snit, so we kind of decided to come back early, so how come you sleeping here? What’s wrong with your place?”

Josh “Uh, nothing, just felt like it, do Mom and Dad know there were girls on this camping trip?”

Joel “I don’t know, subject never came up, why?”

Josh “Just curious I guess, so you got a girlfriend yet? Or you still playing the field little brother?”

Joel “Yeah I got one, how come all the interest in my sex life all of a sudden?”

Josh “Sex life? Oh yeah right, I can imagine, I don’t know, making conversation I suppose.”

Looking at Joel, he felt a strange urge to hug his younger brother and at the same time, he had this desire to sit him down and explain to him about condoms, and all the other stuff that he was sure his folks hadn’t discussed with him and yet even though it was what he wanted to do, he knew that Joel wouldn’t listen to him, at least not to his faggot brother.

He sat up in the bed and looked at his younger brother. He saw the same wide eyed look he always got and he knew that Joel had a lot of questions for him but that he wouldn’t ask them, because he might understand then, and that was something he just wasn’t ready for, or so Josh thought. Right now, he wished he could talk to Joel, to share his pain and maybe then he might be able to stop the nightmares from haunting him.

Funny, he never really thought much about it until this very second, about how much he really needed his brother. When he had found out that Josh was gay, Joel had gone ballistic. He had refused to even talk to him when he came to visit and it was like he had been shut out of his younger brother’s life. At the time it didn’t seem like a big deal, but sitting on his bed, looking at him, he realized that it really was a big deal.

Joel “Where did Mom go? You don’t look so good, something wrong? Dad okay?”

Josh “She went shopping, yeah he’s fine, and I guess I am just a bit tired, that’s all.”

Joel walked into the room and tossed his backpack off to one side and stared at his older brother. Walking in he had felt a sudden surge of anger at Josh, for being what he was but then as he looked at him, he saw the lines etched across his forehead and the way his face looked so white. Josh wasn’t exactly athletic but he did work out and he never looked this bad, even when he had been sick and for some reason, it bothered him. He couldn’t explain it either because he was still mad at him for all the trouble he had caused at home. Never mind what the kids at school might say if they found out, and then he felt ashamed a little, because really, Josh had been a good big brother to him.

He leaned against the desk in his room, staring at Josh and he felt a strange sadness as he wished he could talk to him. The camping trip hadn’t been fun, and he had so many questions that he knew he couldn’t ask dad about, and yet he was so angry at Josh, he didn’t think he could ask him. But there was more to it, he was smart enough to know that, and the biggest thing was that he was afraid that what Josh was, he too might become and that scared him.

It was crazy, because he had never thought about any guy the way Josh seemed to think of them, and he wondered if all those times that they had shared a room if Josh had designs on him? Did he get off on seeing his younger brother strip and go for a shower? Did it get him hot when he would get dressed or undressed? So many questions to ask and yet he was too scared to ask them, afraid of what the answers would be. How would he act if Josh had said that yeah, it turned him on seeing him naked? He shivered a little as he just stared, wanting to run, wanting to shower too, but afraid to with Josh in his room.

Joel “Tired huh? You sure? I mean, hell you look like shit man, there something you hiding from me, again?”

Josh could feel the anger in the words, the way Joel had said ‘again’ and he could see the sparks in his eyes as he stared at him. God, he was a good-looking kid and yet he looked so vulnerable, so fragile and how did you tell your little brother that your lover, your gay lover, tried to kill himself and you were the one who found him? How did you give someone you would gladly give your life for nightmares for maybe the rest of his life when you already have disappointed him?

Josh “Not anything you need to be concerned about.”

Joel “Fine, have it your way.”

Josh “Yeah, well, guess you want your room back. I’ll go into the den, nice to see you anyway.”

Josh stood up and he stumbled a little, feeling faint and a bit dizzy. For a second he thought he was going to fall flat on his face and he grew angry at the thought just as he reached out to steady himself, instead he felt a hand gripping him and stopping his forward motion. He blinked to see the worried face of his younger brother staring at him and he smiled, wishing he could just hug him and hold him, but he knew that would only freak him out. Damn this world, and damn this life, why did he have to be gay? Why couldn’t he be like everyone else? Shit, wasn’t it bad enough to be a Jew, never mind being a goddamn faggot too?

Josh “Sorry, guess I am still half asleep…”

Joel “Yeah bullshit, look, you don’t want to tell me fine, but, well…”

Joel was angry, with himself and with Josh. Why couldn’t he have kept his sex life to himself? Why couldn’t he just have kept it quiet, there wasn’t any need for the whole damn world to know that he was a fag, besides, he had his own rep to worry about, and worrying that they would find out about Josh. Man that sucked, but then again, Josh was never a mean brother, and he never did try to push him around when he lived at home, maybe he should cut him some slack; but damn it, he should have explained it to him, he didn’t need to find out from listening to his parents arguing about it, did he?

For a second he really thought that maybe, just maybe Joel was serious, maybe he was being too harsh on him? Christ, he wasn’t exactly finding it easy to accept being gay in good old Victoria but then he didn’t in Toronto either and that certainly was a larger city. Shit, they even filmed that gay show, “Queer as Folk” there and the place was still homophobic, so go figure.

Looking at Joel, he saw himself years ago, the wide eyed innocence, the simple it is either black or white when life really was mostly grey, all of that he could see reflected in the clear deep navy blue eyes of his brother. God, he really was growing up so quickly, and he felt sad, wishing he could have back that relationship that they once shared. It wasn’t easy when Joel had confronted him, and like an ass he hadn’t taken the time to explain it, instead he was defensive and angry himself.

Shit, it was no wonder that Joel felt the way he did. How was he supposed to know when, for the years that he had known he was gay, he never once discussed it with Joel. He had this stupid notion that he could protect him, or worse, that it wasn’t any of his business, but it was his business. He would have to suffer the abuse if his friends found out, and he doubted if many 15 or 16 year olds could understand all that being gay was. Hell, he wasn’t sure that even at his ripe old age of 19 that he understood it all. At least if he had been the one to sit Joel down, to explain it, maybe then he wouldn’t be so damn pissed or confused. Maybe he would have still been mad, but maybe he could have asked all those questions that were now eating away at him?

Josh “Sure you want to get into this now?”

Joel stared at his brother and he saw the pain in his face and worse, he saw the hurt in his eyes. He never could stand that, seeing Josh in pain and for most of his young life he had always looked up to Josh, had even admired him and he once told his dad that he wanted to be just like Josh. Now, those words came back to haunt him because he wondered, was he just like Josh? Was he too going to suddenly wake up and want cock instead of pussy?

Josh was right; did he really want to get into this now? He didn’t know, but he could see the pain, the hurt and for some unknown reason he felt the fear too that was not something he was used to seeing in Josh. He had always had this quiet self-assured way about him, and yet right now he looked like he was close to falling apart. It scared him and yet, holding him he could feel his older brother trembling, and he knew it was up to him to help make the difference.

Joel “No, I am not sure, but fuck, I am tired of this Josh, we used to be so close, I miss that, I really do, why can’t you just…”

Josh “Stop being gay?”

He stared at his brother, wishing that if he said yes that Josh would do it, but somehow he doubted if that would end it all. Hell, he didn’t even know why Josh had made that choice to begin with, but yeah, if he could just stop being gay, it would solve it all.

Joel “Yeah, I guess, even though I know it isn’t a choice, but shit man, couldn’t you have told me? Why did I have to find out from the folks?”

Josh “I don’t know Joel, I wish, shit there are so many things I did wrong, and I am only 19. God what is it going to be like when I get older? How many more people will I hurt? Fuck, I am so sorry…”

Joel grew even more concerned as his brother began to cry while standing there in his arms. He could feel him as he shook, the pain and fears taking hold and he didn’t know what to do. He had never really seen Josh cry before and it terrified him. The pain was one thing, the look on his face was another, but the hopeless look in his eyes was making his heart pound in its own fear. How could things have changed so quickly? Where was his mother, he knew she would know what to do but she wasn’t there, it was only him and Josh.

He felt so frightened, so alone and yet there was Joel standing there, and as his eyes once more turned towards his younger brother he saw the fear in his eyes. Josh could feel the sudden panic as it rose up within Joel’s young body and he realized that he was the cause of it. His heart suddenly beat a little faster and the voices deep inside rose up, desperate to reach out and hold his brother and yet the fear of all that had gone on was holding on fiercely. It refused to let him budge and he could feel the struggle growing more violent inside, as his spirit resisted the terror of the unknown or the imagined.

If only he could tell him, explain it to him, maybe he wouldn’t be so angry with him, but how do you tell someone you love, someone you care for, that you are so different? How do you explain that what you decided wasn’t a sudden awakening but a process you had known about but had refused to listen to until suddenly you just couldn’t keep it hidden any longer? How do you explain to someone who has the same blood flowing in their veins that just because you are one way doesn’t mean they are too?

The look of panic that was taking hold of Joel made him summon up one last bit of strength and he quickly stopped his tears of sorrow. All of the pain that was inside of him was suddenly pushed aside as he struggled for some control so he could cause no more pain to his brother. It was a titanic effort but he could feel his breathing slowing, no longer shallow and harsh.

Josh “Sorry, haven’t slept much, uh, let me sit down here and you pull up your chair, guess it is time I did explain a few things.”

Joel “Okay, uh, you want a drink or anything?”

Josh “No, that’s okay, do I look that bad?”

Joel “Well, yeah… You do Josh, uh, are you, I mean, it isn’t that AIDS thing is it?”

As he sat back down on Joel’s bed, he could remember all the times they had spent here, sitting together on this bed talking about stuff, such as girls and even sex, so why hadn’t he told him? They had been close, and he did miss it, he could feel that emptiness in his heart, right next to the gaping hole left by Robbie’s actions. How could he have hurt the two people he loved the most like this?

Looking into his face, Josh could see the concern for him and he felt a little comfort in it. It was nice to know that even after all this crap that had passed between him and Joel it still mattered to Joel if he was sick or not. That had to be something, didn’t it?

Josh “No, it isn’t AIDS Joel, thank God, maybe it would be better if it was though, maybe even I would understand it all better, never mind anyone else.”

The haggard look in his face, the sunken eyes and pallor of his skin made Joel start to actually worry. It was like the time that bobbah1 had come to visit, just before she ended up in the hospital, never to come out again. He felt the panic rip at his heart because he had been so little then, all he knew then was she had looked bad, like Josh did now, and shortly after there was no more fresh baking in the house, there were strange people in suits sitting in the living room every night and he was dragged off to synagogue each morning and evening for what seemed an eternity.

1 Term for Grandmother

As he grew older he had come to understand what it had all meant, it still didn’t make it any easier, but he at least understood it. Looking at Josh he felt that same panic, that same fear deep in his heart but it was different too. The last thing he wanted was for Josh to be sick, but while part of him felt sad and worried, another part was screaming out that it was what happens to faggots, it is God’s retribution and even though those thoughts made him squirm a little, made him ashamed, he couldn’t just ignore them either.

What the fuck was wrong with him? Why would he even think such horrible thoughts about his own brother? Hell, Josh had always been good to him and okay, he hadn’t been up front with him about being a queer, but fuck, that shouldn’t make him hate him? It sure as fuck shouldn’t make him wish him dead, and from little he knew, AIDS was not an easy death either, so if he wouldn’t wish that on a stranger, why would he consider it for his own brother?

As he pulled his long legs up to his chin and leaned back against his brother’s headboard, he stared out at his brother, watching him as he pulled his desk chair over towards the bed. He noticed how he moved slowly, his shoulders so rigid he was sure they would crack and yet it looked like they carried the weight of the world on them. God, had he done this to his brother?

Joel was only 134 pounds, stood relatively tall at 5 foot 10 ½ inches and was still growing. He had the most perfect deep blue eyes that Josh could ever recall seeing and while his hair was short, it wasn’t like most kids, buzzed or with all those weird short, long, combinations. His blond hair was full and thick, and even tousled as it was now, it looked good on him, highlighted his soft facial features, and if anything, gave his younger brother a rather handsome look that was hard to duplicate by design. It was so natural on him, and he wore it all well, even at 16 years of age. He really was a good looking kid, and okay, maybe his legs seemed a bit short for his body or his arms a little longer than maybe they should, but he was still a kid, still growing and looking at him, he remembered how he used to hate how his own body was so mismatched in high school.

It was tough enough growing up and dealing with all that, and because of him, he was making Joel deal with much more. Staring at him, he saw a kid who would be popular, one who had charm and there was no doubt that when Joel smiled, showed those white teeth among his full lips, it would turn anyone’s heart a little, male and female. His brother certainly was turning out to be a looker, and from what he had heard from his mother, he was certainly turning the young girls’ heads. No wonder he was so angry with him, because if they ever found out about him, his popularity would plummet.

Josh stared into the worried face and he felt the pain in his own heart. He knew that his own strength was at an all time low, yet he had to find the strength and courage to do this, because he might not get another chance. He was surprised by the way Joel looked at him, at times it was with real concern, other times it looked like he wanted to kill him or worse, it was a look of pure disdain, yet it always seemed to pass, at least so far.

Josh “Well, a friend of mine, a close friend, he tried to kill himself the other day, I found him and well…”

Joel “Kill himself? Shit that sucks, how did you, I mean, you found him? What did he do, shoot himself?”

Josh “No, he uh, fuck, he cut his wrists, not sure what he used, but there was a lot of blood, a whole lot of blood…”

Joel “That’s sick, is he going to make it?”

Josh “Yeah, for now, but he’s at EMI2 and well, they won’t let me see him, and I don’t know, I should have seen it coming, I don’t know why, but it is like I feel I let him down, that I didn’t see his pain or anything. Guess I was wrapped up in my own world, wasn’t paying enough attention to his needs…”

Joel “This uh friend, he your, you know, whatever it is you call him, is he?”

Josh “Lover.”

Joel “Yeah, that’s it, I guess, so, what happened? You guys get into a fight or something?”

2 Eric Martin Institute for the Mentally Ill, local hospital for Victoria that deals strictly with mental health issues

Josh “No, least not that I know about, I just don’t know why, I thought, well I thought thinks were going good for us, and then, shit…”

Josh put his face in his hands and the sobs could be heard in the entire room. Joel stared at his brother, stunned by the way it was making Josh act. He had always thought of his brother as being strong and unbreakable. He had never really seemed to be the type who would fall apart like this. How the hell could he get so emotional over someone doing something so fucking stupid?

Part of him wanted to get out of the chair and go and sit with Josh, just as Josh used to do for him when he was a little kid, but as he looked at his brother, he felt anger and disgust. If this was what being gay was, he was pretty happy that he wasn’t one. How could you fall apart like this over some guy? Hell no girl even was worth this kind of shit, maybe more understandable if it had been, but Christ, another guy?

Joel “Shit, seems to me that you would be better off without some freak like that, hell if the…”

Josh “FUCK OFF Joel, Shit, I thought maybe you would understand, I guess I was wrong, maybe that is why I never bothered to talk to you about any of this, you just don’t get it do you? Fuck!”

The anger was real, and Joel leaned back in his chair, scared for the first time at what Josh might do to him for what he had said. He had seen him angry a few times but this was different, way different and he could actually feel the anger hit him as he had spoke. It was freaking the shit out of him and his guts were twisting and turning as he turned his look downwards, suddenly feeling ashamed for his actions.

He didn’t really want Josh to die, and the way Josh had yelled, he knew he knew. It scared him, because they had been close once, and he needed that closeness but he was scared, afraid of being close again, afraid that what Josh was, he was too.

Joel “I didn’t mean it like it sounded, Josh I…”

Josh “Yes you did, I can see the hatred in your eyes for God’s sake; damn it, I am your brother, doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

Joel “Yes it does, but it goes both ways, shit, why didn’t you tell me? WHY?”

Josh “Maybe because I didn’t want you freaking, maybe because I was scared of losing your love, and I was right, wasn’t I? WASN’T I?”

Joel “NO, No you aren’t right, you think you are, but you aren’t, you should have told me, I would have understood, instead you hid it from me, all that time, you lied to me!”

Josh “No, I didn’t lie to you, I may not have told you everything, but I never lied, not once.”

Joel “Crap, did you really think that by keeping it a secret, you weren’t lying to me? Fuck, you would never let me get away with that bullshit excuse, so why should I let you?”

Josh “This isn’t about whether I lied or not, you know it, you could have come to me, asked me about it, did you? Well, did you?”

Joel “Like you would have told me? Fuck Josh, I am sorry your friend tried to off himself, but it isn’t like I even know him. Shit, you hardly come around here, you live this secret life that no one knows about, and now you want me to be all sorry for you? Shit, what about all the crap you caused me? Where were you then?”

Josh “What crap? I didn’t cause you anything; why the fuck do you think I have stayed away? Think I don’t miss coming home for Friday night dinners? Think I enjoyed spending all that time alone? Fuck until Robbie came around I spent most of my time talking to myself, so what crap did I put you through? Huh?”

Joel “Oh right, always about you isn’t it Josh? Well how about me, huh?”

Josh “What about you? I didn’t do dick to you little brother, so what is your problem?”

Joel “You don’t get it, do you?”

Josh “What is it I am supposed to get? Enlighten me little brother.”

Joel “Shit and I used to look up to you? Man I must have been one stupid jerk before; you think this is easy for me? Or Mom or dad? God, you should have heard how much your choice of humping partners hurts them…”

Josh “You think this is a choice? Fuck, I thought you were smarter than that, but then I was wrong about a lot of things where you were concerned.”

Joel “Oh sure blame me for your fuck ups, or is that fucking down? You take it up the ass bro? Or you the one who acts like a man, huh? Don’t…”

Josh “Christ is that all you think we do? Fuck? Shit, you haven’t a damn clue about sex, any kind of sex, never mind love, so spare me your gross shit bro!”

Joel “I don’t know about sex? Hell, I am no virgin, I know more about real sex than you, that’s fucking obvious.”

Josh “Why cause you dicked some girl? Christ, that isn’t knowing anything, that’s simply fucking, and your damn cock don’t know one hole from another little brother, so wise up, you know shit.”

Joel “Leave my dick out of this, I bet you used to drool over it, well it isn’t for you, got it? I am not some faggot like you; I like girls, so you just keep that in your twisted mind, got it?”

It was like being shot by a million guns all at once. His body felt like it was being peppered with bullets and his heart ached in a way he had only felt a few times before. Once was when his father had turned his back on him and walked out, the other time was seeing Robbie lying in the pool of his own blood, and now once more he felt his heart being ripped to pieces by someone he loved, and all because of something he had no control over.

He couldn’t believe he had said that, and as he glanced upwards into Josh’s face he could see the words hitting home. For a second he felt joy, happy that at last he could inflict some of the pain that he had been forced to endure back on the one who had caused him all that pain. But just as he felt that pleasure, he also felt the terror of what he had said, giving voice to the fears that tore at him from the very first time that he had found out that Josh was queer. Now they were in the open, and he felt the panic rising up inside of him.

Josh “I forgot, you are the stud of the year huh? Fuck Joel, I never thought of you that way, not once. But I guess when you are as hot as you obviously think you are, you figure everyone wants a piece of you, is that it little brother, oh and I do mean ‘little’!”

Joel was shocked by the sudden twist of words and the way his brother stared at him, for a second he could actually feel the anger reaching for him and he knew that Josh was hurt too. There was no mistaking that look in his eyes, and he felt the twist in his heart as he cut back an angry rejoinder. His own eyes were smouldering as the pain and anger that he had kept bottled up threatened to explode.

Joel “You know that isn’t what I meant, maybe I am not as good at the word games as you, but how the fuck am I supposed to know whether you did or not?”

Josh “Why the fuck would you even think I would want to think of you that way? That is fucking sick Joel.”

Joel “No more sick than wanting to have some guy stick his dick up your ass, that is what you do, isn’t it?”

Josh “Yeah, it is, and I could say the same for you wanting to stick it in some slimy cunt, but that isn’t going to prove anything, you should know I would never do anything to hurt you.”

Joel “Yeah right, and how am I supposed to know that Josh? Tell me, how?”

Josh “Because I am your brother, that’s how.”

Joel “Oh and that is some magic wand that keeps me safe from getting fucked up the ass by you?”

Josh “Fuck off!”

Joel “Why? Getting too close to the truth is it? Admit it, you did want to, didn’t you?”

Josh “You call me sick? Shit, what is this? No, I didn’t ever want to get it on with you, not once…”

Joel “Sure, didn’t think you would tell me the truth…”

Josh “Christ, what is this? You have some secret desire to be fucked by a guy? Is that it? You may be jealous that instead of me coming and fucking your puny white butt I looked elsewhere, is that it?”

Joel leaped out of the chair he was sitting in and lunged at Josh. He grabbed him by the shirt and raised his arm up and over his head, swinging it back and his hand was balled up into a fist as he stared down into his older brother’s face. He looked into Josh’s blue eyes and he saw deep inside of him. He felt his arm coming down but something held it back, something was holding him from striking down and smashing his hard fist into the already beaten face under him.

Josh waited, feeling the raw anger that Joel was in the grip of and he couldn’t really blame him. He didn’t resist as his younger brother leapt forward and was on top of his body before he could really blink. He felt the heat as his brother straddled his body and he felt the knees digging into his sides, just as he used to feel when they would play wrestle, only this wasn’t play, was it?

He stared up waiting for him to strike him, his own hands had balled up into fists, ready to defend himself but something had stopped him from raising them up, from even moving his face a fraction, as he stared into the fiery eyes, seeing the hatred that rested there. He struggled to go beyond that mass of anger but his own despair stopped him, as he waited, tensing up for the blow that was to come.

It was like there was no fight left in Josh, the way he didn’t even flinch as he dug his knees hard into his sides. Looking into his eyes he saw nothing but despair, disappointment and it held him in check as he felt the beat of his heart start to slow, felt the pain in his whole body continue to torment him and yet, he just couldn’t find the way to command his fist to come down and crush itself into his older brother’s face. The pain was urging him too, the overwhelming desire was struggling to force him to, and yet, something held him back as he sat there, his chest heaving from the strain. Joel could hear his own breath, the harsh panting sound grated on his nerves and yet he couldn’t bring himself to strike down. Instead, he found his arm lowering itself, his hand still rolled into a fist, but no longer were the nails digging into the palm of his hand.

Josh had expected the blow, he had anticipated it even and as he waited, he could see his brother’s struggle taking shape and he felt his eyes opening wider as he watched, waiting for that moment when Joel would bring his young hard fist crashing down into his face. He had made his choice, he would not resist, he would not fight back even though he could feel a part of him urging him to, desperately trying to convince him to resist, but he couldn’t, his heart was in enough pain and he would not add to its own sorrow.

Joel “I am not a fag…”

Josh “Then what is your problem?”

Joel “You are… that is my problem.”

Josh “So? Does that make me so bad? I am still the same brother I always was, what does it matter who I fuck? And how is it any of your business anyways?”

Joel “That isn’t it, you know that.”

Josh “Then what for fuck’s sake is it?”

Joel “What if, I mean, you are one, how do, what if…”

Josh “How do you what? Joel, I don’t…”

At that second, looking up in his brother’s face he finally penetrated the anger and he saw it all unfolding before him. It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried to seduce him or that he had not made a pass at him, it was much more than that and he shuddered as he realized just how much pain he had caused his younger brother. Oh God, he prayed, how could you let me do this? Why did you make me this way?

It all came rushing in like a flash flood and he felt his whole body shaking as he tried to find the words, tried to figure out what he could say that would help ease the doubts and fears that were going through his little brother. No wonder he was so angry, he was scared to death that he too might be one, that his whole life had been a sham and that his chasing of girls was nothing more than a smokescreen for who he really was.

Joel “I don’t know…”

Josh “Yes you do, is it… “

Joel “No I don’t, well maybe, but it doesn’t matter now, it really doesn’t.”

Josh “Yes it does matter, don’t make my mistake Joel”

Joel “What, tell the world but not your family that you are queer?”

Josh “Okay maybe I deserved that, I was wrong. I should have told you, but I thought I could keep it a secret, I didn’t want to hurt you, can’t you believe me?”

Joel “I want to, it is just that, well…”

Josh “Joel, please, I need you more than ever, I didn’t want to hurt you, and I am still the same guy I always have been, maybe more open now, and that isn’t a bad thing, is it?”

Joel “No, it isn’t that Josh, shit, I don’t know, I just feel so…”

Josh “What? Scared? Alone?”

Joel “Yeah, sort of, but it is more than that, I mean.”

Josh “You think that because I am one you might be? Is that what has you all twisted and in a knot?”

Joel just nodded and he felt himself sliding off of the shaking body of his older brother. He sat cross-legged on his bed, his head hanging down and he could feel his brother sitting back up too, and his long legs crossing as he too sat cross-legged. It was almost like it used to be, when they would sit on the bed and talk, and for a few seconds, he actually thought that he was back in time, back when things between him and Josh were simpler.

The twist in his heart was something he knew would never go away until he dealt with this. The pain of all that had happened only heightened his fear that he would lose Joel too and that he couldn’t bear. They had been so close, so warm and open with each other that it was the one thing he missed the most and now he realized that it was his own fault.

He had been ashamed of being gay, he had tried to hide it for a long time and that had been wrong. Maybe if he had had the courage he could have talked about it with Joel, or even his parents, but he had been too scared of what might happen. He had lacked the trust and faith in his own family, and so was it any wonder that Robbie felt as he did? Was there any doubt that Robbie hadn’t talked to him about his own fears because he too was frightened about how Josh would react?

Josh “I am sorry Joel, really, I am.”

Joel “For what?”

Josh “Not for being who I am, but for not trusting you enough, hell for not loving you enough to know that you would not hate me for feeling what I was feeling. I should have talked to you about it, it was just that, well…”

Joel “What? Why didn’t you tell me Josh? Am I that… you know, maybe I would have freaked, but I would have gotten over it, really.”

Josh “I know, and I know that you have a 1000 wild thoughts and questions too, I know I did, it was just, I guess that, well, I was maybe still trying to hide it, hoping that maybe if I didn’t tell you or the folks that it might go away, that the thoughts and dreams would end and I would become normal again, lame huh?”

Joel “I don’t know, maybe not, uh, but if you don’t, I mean if you think you could be straight, why aren’t you? I don’t get it.”

Josh “I don’t either really. I fought it Joel, you have to believe me, I really tried not to be this way, but the dreams, the fantasies, they just got more intense, more real with each passing night and day. I just couldn’t keep denying the way my body was feeling, I am sorry.”

Joel “Guess I didn’t make it any easier for you either, it is just, I mean, I thought we could tell each other everything, and then, when you didn’t tell me, I felt like, well, I don’t know what I felt like, except, well, like maybe some of the stuff you told me wasn’t true either, and…”

Josh “What other stuff?”

Joel “That you would always be there for me, that you loved me, man, that one really shook me, I don’t know how many times I would lie here wondering just what that really meant, I am sorry, but…”

Josh “Yeah, I guess I can see that but you have to believe me Joel. I never thought of you that way, I mean it isn’t that you are ugly either. Shit, you really are a good looking guy, but you are my brother; maybe if you weren’t I might have thought of you in that way, but honest, you have to believe me, I never did, emmas.3”

Joel “I suppose, it is kind of weird, I mean part of me was scared you had, you know, thought of me that way, then well, part was kind of pissed that you hadn’t, like maybe I was too ugly or short or something like that. It scares me Josh, I don’t know which to listen to, either way I feel like crap.”

Josh “Yeah, I know what you mean. I know that it seems a lot of brother’s do, well, you know, and some of them seem happy about it, others are kind of pissed, I don’t know. I just know that I never really thought of you that way, I mean I did think you were going to be a heart throb, but not for me, and you are right. I mean I don’t know if I should say I am sorry for not thinking of you that way, or what.”

3 “On my honour”

Joel “I guess, it is confusing as hell, but why wouldn’t you trust me? Why couldn’t you tell me? We shared a lot of secrets, heck they still don’t know that you smoked for a whole year, why couldn’t you have just told me how you were feeling?”

Josh “I guess partly because by telling you it would be final, it would mean that I really was that way, and then when I finally did accept it, well the damage was done and I was afraid that you would be so disappointed in me that you wouldn’t want me as your brother anymore, which is how it turned out anyways. I don’t know, I could give you hundreds of pretty good reasons, all of them sound, maybe even valid, but it just really comes down to the fact that I was scared and didn’t have the courage to trust you or mom or even dad.”

Joel “I still want you as my brother Josh, I tried to write you out, to kill you off inside, I was so angry at you and yet in a way, scared to, I mean it is hard enough being a Jew, but a fag on top of that? Sorry, guess you don’t like that word, but, shit, gay sounds so, I don’t know, worse in a way.”

Josh “It’s okay, I know what you mean, and yeah it is hard, maybe being a Jew though helps, cause in a sense we are already used to the need to blend in, maybe that is why there aren’t a lot of Jewish flamer’s in the gay world? I don’t know.”

Joel “Shit, I guess, Josh, are you sure you are?”

Josh “Yeah, I am sure! I mean, until I accepted being this way, I never really had fun, and until the other day, I was having fun.”

Joel “You wanna tell me about it? Who is this guy anyway?”

This was bizarre, here he was sitting on his brother’s bed, talking almost like nothing had changed between them, like none of the last few months, well almost year really, had ever happened. For the first time too, he didn’t feel so empty, so alone and he stared at his brother, seeing the genuine concern in his face, and he could feel the anger that once held his eyes impenetrable gradually dissipating. For only the second time since he walked into his apartment to find Robbie in the bathroom did he feel some hope and he smiled as he tried to think of how to describe his Robbie.

Josh “You two would get along I think, yeah I think you would. He’s smart too which is kind of a mystery, I mean I thought he would have gone on to University but instead he’s a cook at the cafeteria, and I gather he was pretty good at Basketball too.”

Joel “Yeah? Sounds like a nice enough guy, so uh, you guys were happy? I mean, is it, well, is it the same as with a guy and girl?”

Josh “Haha, yeah little brother, it is the same, and yeah, at least I thought we were, until all this happened.”

Joel “Didn’t he leave a note or anything?”

Josh “Nope, nothing. I don’t know, maybe he just had the urge then, but I doubt it, I think it was planned but, I just don’t know.”

The pain came back in a rush as he thought about it all. He didn’t even leave a note, not a hint of why he had tried to do this and what would he be feeling if he hadn’t come back in time? Would he ever get over the doubts and fears or would that too pass with time? Damn, Robbie should have at least left him a note, something.

Joel saw the way Josh’s face pinched back, the way his forehead grew tight and wrinkled looking and he knew his brother was in pain. He stared at him for a few seconds then he reached out, his hand shaking in fear but the beat of his heart was stronger and so he laid his trembling hand on the shaking leg of his older brother and stared up into his eyes.

It was almost as if sparks were flying between them as they both stared into each other’s eyes. Josh could feel the pain inside of him and yet, it didn’t seem to throb quite as much as a second before. He saw Joel’s own pain and he wanted to reach out, to chase it away and he felt like he had to do it, and the fire inside of him, dulled and dampened by the stress of the last few days, suddenly roared and flashed for a second. He could feel his body trembling from the sudden change as he felt Joel’s soul reaching out for him.

The touch of his brother’s trembling hand on his shaking knee was too much. The tears started to roll once more down his cheeks and he stared at the dark blue eyes, feeling their comfort now instead of the anger and he reached out, letting his own sweaty hand rest on top of Joel’s. He sat there, feeling like once more he was a part of a family and he thanked God for giving him this second chance.

Joel “Have you talked to him since? I mean, maybe he’ll explain…”

Josh “No, they won’t let me, Dad has though.”

Joel “Dad? You are kidding, right?”

Josh “No, they wouldn’t let me, so dad said he would try and he did, he spent a few hours with Robbie really, it…”

Joel “Robbie? Robbie Fisher?”

Josh “Yeah, how’d you know?”

Joel “Shit, he was the MVP of our championship team, you kidding, he’s your, uh, your…”

Josh “Lover, yes, at least he was. I don’t know what he wants now, but yeah, well he did say he didn’t do badly, but MVP? He the one you were constantly nattering about last year?”

Joel “Yeah, that’s the same, shit, he’s queer? Fuck, does his family know? I mean, Justin never let on, wow, I can’t believe it.”

Josh “Yeah they know, I gather his dad isn’t exactly one of those accepting types, and who is Justin?”

Joel “Huh, you don’t know?”

Josh “No, am I supposed to?”

Joel “Shit, is it a condition for being uh, gay, that you hide shit? He’s Robbie Fisher’s younger brother, he’s my age and everyone figures he’ll be as good if not better than Robbie… you really didn’t know?”

Josh was stunned and he leaned back a little. The shock was clear on his face and he could tell that Joel had noticed it. How the fuck could he live with a guy for almost three months, and not even know the guy had a younger brother? Shit, come to think about it, he really didn’t know much other than Robbie’s dad didn’t like him being gay and that his mother worked at a church. That was all he knew, and it hadn’t occurred to him before now, but then he never did ask either, maybe he should have.

Josh “No, I didn’t know, guess there are a lot of things I don’t know.”

Joel “Shit, I am sorry Josh, but maybe I can kind of understand it a bit, I mean why you didn’t talk to me about all this, shit, does his family know he, uh, that he is in hospital?”

Josh “Dad says they do, but there is something about the doctor, something about him being a real homophobe or something, not really sure, dad was pretty tired from all this last night.”

Joel “I can imagine, shit Robbie Fisher is queer, man, that is so weird, I mean he was always dating some cheerleader, and no way they lied about how good he… uh, sorry, that is kind of, sorry.”

Josh “No that’s no lie, he is damn good in bed.”

Joel “Shit, I didn’t need to know that, yeech.”

Josh “Yeah, I guess maybe you don’t need to know that, do you?”

Joel “No thanks, that I can do without knowing, so, uh, what happens now?”

Josh “I don’t know, Dad is talking to some lawyer about it.”

Joel “A lawyer? Dad?”

Josh “Yeah, we have quite a dad, I never, I mean, he really surprised me Joel. He has been so strong in all this, he insisted I come and stay here, and he’s been super about getting help for Robbie too. I wish I had known how much he cared before, maybe I would have done things a lot differently then, with him as well as you, I am sorry…”

Joel “Yeah, I am too, promise me something Josh?”

Josh “Okay, if I can, what?”

Joel “That uh, no matter what, you won’t hide anything important from me? I mean, I don’t think I could handle another fight like this, I really, I mean…”

Josh reached out and opened his arms, letting Joel fall into them and he hugged his brother tightly, feeling his young heart pounding away at a mile a second, and he felt his own heart thundering away inside too. He could feel the tears as they rolled down his face and as his chest heaved, he felt Joel’s arms tighten around his back and he knew that Joel was crying too. They sat there, in each other’s arms, united again as brothers.