Chapter 6

Josh walked into the kitchen and looked around. His mother was in the laundry room and he grabbed himself a cup of hot coffee off the counter. He mixed his cream and sugar with a distracted air as he went over all that had passed during the night. The image of Robbie lying against the tub and all that blood was horrible and he couldn’t shake it from his mind or from his heart.

He went through everything, all thru the night and into the wee hours of the morning, wondering what it was he had done to give Robbie cause to think there was no hope. Surely he wasn’t that aloof that Robbie couldn’t have come to talk to him, or was he?

Sitting at the kitchen table he stared into the dark coffee cup, watching the small swirl slowly stop its spiral motion and his heart grew cold as his thoughts turned back to earlier that night, when he had begged Robbie to come with him to the movie, to not stay at home and how he had stormed out, wondering just what was with his supposed lover. God, if he had only known how unhappy and how much pain Robbie was in, he would never have gotten mad, hell he wouldn’t have left, but he didn’t know, or maybe he just didn’t want to know?

How could he have lived with someone for even a few days never mind the two months they had spent together and not realize that something serious was bugging Robbie? Is that how love was? Did he really love Robbie or did he just love the attention Robbie gave him? Could he really be that shallow that his only criteria for loving Robbie were based on how good of a fuck he was?

Adele stood by the doorway leading into the kitchen and watched her son stooped over the cup of coffee. Her heart ached and she wanted so much to just go to him, to cradle him in her arms like she used to do when he was a baby but he needed more than that today. He was in such pain and she was at a loss as to how to ease that terrible burden that he was shouldering.

He really was a good boy, okay so he was a fagel, but what the hell did that have to do with whether he was good or not? She didn’t understand all this ‘gay’ stuff and the idea of two males being together, well that was way out of her scope of imagination but Joshua was still her son.

Adele “Nu? You just going to sit up there and watch? Maybe this time you’ll come down and lend a hand?”

She stared upwards, searching the roof as if an answer would suddenly appear before her eyes, just as the burning bush appeared before Moses but she was no Moses, and no burning bush that wouldn’t burn appeared. All she could feel was the terrible ache in her heart and her soul as she cast her eyes heaven wards, wishing for answers that she knew would only come in time.

Adele “Oiy, what a world, young men cut their wrists while other’s torment their souls by what they might have done or think they should have done, and all the time you sit there, looking down, I wonder, do you cry? Does your heart break each time one of us is in pain and if you do, how do you stand it?

How can you not reach down with your powerful hand and take that pain away? Why do you let us suffer and yet expect us to love you? I wish I had my poor Abner’s faith, I don’t, I listened too many nights to the screams from my mother’s room, as she relived the horror of Treblinka, and yet still you are up there, aren’t you? Still I talk to you and maybe that is it, maybe it is because you are up there and we are here, but why? Why do you, the one who created all this, who brought life out of nothing, why do you sit up there and not do something?

Are your powers so limitless? Did you not bring the floods? Was it not you who cast Adam and Eve from the garden? Was it not your own power that reached into Egypt and brought the Israelites out of bondage? Was it not your own breath that blew the winds into being, your own warmth that fired the sun and yet my poor boy aches because the one he loves tried to kill himself, how can this be your plan? How?

The years of age showed in her face as she slowly walked into the kitchen, her heart heavy with the unanswered questions but her love refused to let him sit there in pain, alone and without someone.

Adele “So, you want something to go with that coffee? How about some strudel? It’s fresh.”

Josh barely heard her voice and as it slowly registered on him that his mother was in the room and talking to him, he lifted his face up from the coffee cup and he turned to see her, the way she stood looking at him, her eyes wide and questioning, and he could feel her pain for him.

Josh “I am fine mama, the coffee is enough.”

Adele “Fine, listen to him, you are not fine, come, let me cut you a slice, you can have it or not, nu?”

Josh “Yes mama, okay I’ll have some strudel”

Adele “Good, then I’ll have some too, I’ll keep you company.”

Josh “I am not really much company right now, what time did dad leave?”

Adele “That is okay, I can just sit here with you, papa? I think he left just after 7.”

Josh “So early? He didn’t get much sleep.”

Adele “What? And anyone else did? Come, eat a little, your papa will see what he can see, then maybe you’ll lie down, rest a little, hmm?”

Josh “I don’t know, maybe, I really don’t feel like sleeping…”

Adele “No, I suppose not, the nightmares are never pleasant, are they?”

Josh “How, I mean, I don’t know what I mean, how do you know I have nightmares?”

Adele “You forget, I am your mother, of course I’ll know if my kinder1 is having trouble sleeping, besides, I remember my own mother, the dreams never left her, she would sleep a little here a little there, never for long, the dreams kept coming back, kept waking her, but she never let it stop her, you have to remember that Joshua, not to let the nightmares win, furshtay2?“

1 Child

Josh “Yes mama, I understand, but, I don’t know if I can do that, how do I even begin to tell you how I feel? I am sorry, I know you mean well, but this isn’t the same, it isn’t like bobah3, it is different.”

Adele “Of course it is different, and then again it isn’t; she hurt, you hurt, maybe not the same hurt but then isn’t your pain for someone you cherish? Yes? Well, so was hers, she too saw those she cherish get hurt, only hers didn’t live, at least not many, so yes your pain isn’t the same as hers, and then too, it is.”

Adele pushed back the gray hair that always fell across her face and she stared at her son. She could see the deep pain in his eyes and her heart felt like a thousand knives were cutting into it as she reached across with the back of her hand to gently run it down his face. She could feel the flushed face, the way his heart was beating so wildly and in such pain that she once more cast a quick glance upwards, hoping and yet knowing, that no answer was coming from there.

Josh “I really miss her, even now.”

Adele “Yes, me too, and even now, she would know what to say to you, maybe it takes one who has experienced such pain to comfort those who are just experiencing it. I thank God I haven’t had to feel that, but then, I feel your pain, so does papa, and yet all we can do is hold your hand, it really isn’t enough, but it is all we have.”

2 Jewish for do you understand

3 Jewish for grandmother, sort of like granny

Josh “It is enough mama, really, I will be okay, it is just, I really miss him and well, he was special to me, I have never felt this way about someone before. I don’t know if you can understand it, I wish you could, it would make things easier.”

Adele “So, I am too old to learn maybe? Tell me, I might surprise you, maybe I understand more than you think I do, maybe so does papa.”

Josh “No, I know you don’t, and I know papa certainly doesn’t. He accepts, but understand, no, I don’t think so.”

Adele “No? So, enlighten me so I can enlighten him.”

Josh “Like you did before? I know you were the one who brought him around, and now here I am, doing it again, I guess I am still just a kid.”

Adele “What? You think that because you are all grown up going to university you stop being our little boy? Where have you been living? You have been with the goyum4 too much, you will always be our little boy, no matter how old you get or we get. So come, take the coffee and strudel and let’s go into the living room, I need to see the flowers, they help to keep me from crying, come.”

The two walked together into the spacious living room. The curtains were drawn open and he could see the sun shining in. The front yard opened before them and he stared at the tall tree that stood out in the front yard. Its branches only just now starting to show the coming fall season and the grass, brown and yellow from the sun and lack of watering still looked good to him. The sidewalk was lined with drooping bedding plants, their time nearing an end as well, and all of it made him sigh as he sat on the couch, next to his mother.

4 Jewish term that refers to people who are not Jewish

Josh felt her hand against his cheek and like always, she drew him into her warm bosom and he surrendered to the moment. His head rested heavily on her, his heart aching as it waited for that magical touch that only a mother could give it, and yet somehow, he didn’t really think she could help this time around. There was so much she didn’t understand, so much that he himself didn’t understand or even know.

Adele felt the tears soaking into her blue flowered blouse and her heart ached, almost as much as when her own Mother had passed on. Why was life always so complicated? Wasn’t it enough that her son had to bear being Jewish in a world that loved to hate them? Sure, things were different than in the 20’s or 30’s, but wait till the next recession came, or worse a depression, no Jew would be safe and now he had to bear being gay too? That was too much, even for her to comprehend as she patted his head, wishing she knew how to comfort him. He was still her little boy and as she stared out at the garden, she wondered why all this was happening? What was the master plan? Why did it have to always be so difficult, so filled with drama and sorrow?

Looking out at the plum tree in front, she stared at it, wondering if maybe that was it. A fruit was always tart and even bitter as it grew up, and then when it ripened it became sweet and tasty. Was life like that? Did they have to have the bitterness before they could have the full rich flavour of life? Was that God’s plan, that our time here on earth was the ripening process so that when we came back to him, we would enjoy the fullness and richness of heaven? Oiy, such thoughts for a simple women as she stared down at her son, feeling his pain and knowing instinctively that it was only the beginning for him.

Sitting there, she let the sun warm her but in her heart, she still felt the icy chill of her son’s pain. How could she make a difference when she didn’t even understand what it was that drove him, that made him chose another boy for his partner? It meant no grandchildren to spoil, to carry on the family name or even the faith, so how was she supposed to accept all that and now, now, she had to help him because the goy had decided life wasn’t worth living.

She felt the anger rising in her as her hand softly caressed Joshua’s head, feeling him slowly succumbing to her touch and resting. The poor boy, so tired, so afraid and no one to talk to but a couple of old crocks that knew nothing from gayness or whatever it was called. Such a world, everyone rushing around and yet who stayed home to kibitz anymore? Where were the days when families sat around together, discussing and talking?

As she felt the even rise and fall of her son’s chest, she knew he had finally fallen asleep in her arms, just like when he was a small child and had a bad dream or thought. It was amazing, so much changes and yet really, nothing ever really changes. She smiled a little remembering how hurt she had been when Abner’s father had been opposed to their marriage. She had felt so devastated and yet as she cried her heart out on her mother’s lap she could hear her calming words even now. Her mother really was something special, least in her eyes but then that is exactly how it should be.

Her own parents hadn’t been thrilled by her choice either, they thought she could do better than some young man who wanted to chose God as a profession. What was wrong with the young Mendleson boy they had said, at least he’ll be able to support you and your kids, doctors make good money, even in Canada, or what about the Klein boy, he is going to be a lawyer, now there is a good profession, he’ll be a politician someday, why not him? Why the Goldberg boy, he is so skinny and short, why him? And yet, despite all of that, when she had come home because Abner’s father had suggested they see other people and not marry, her mother had been outraged, and her father had sat there, waiting for his girl to finish her tears.

Papa had never been much for words, very much like her Abner it turned out, and he had just waited calmly for her to finish her tirade then he simply took her hands into his and looked into her eyes.

Papa “So, you love him?”

Adele “Yes Papa, I do.”

Papa “He love you?”

Adele “Oh yes, yes he does papa.”

Papa “Nu, what are you crying for then, marry him and if the machentenus5 don’t like it, well you will win them over in time, so, tomorrow you and your young menche6 go to the rabbi, and you set the date, yes?”

Adele “Really papa? But what about…”

Papa “Hush, you do as your papa says now, the rest, well your mama will have a talk with his mama, the womenfolk have a way to work these things out, nu?”

It was amazing how she could recall that conversation. She sighed a little because it had all gone as her papa had said, and he was right, her mother had spoken to Abner’s and between them they had made shalom, and there never was anymore talk about any other girls for Abner or boys for her. She never did find out what the two women had said, but whatever it was, she wished she knew, maybe it would help here? Maybe she should call this Robbie’s mother? She would have to ask Abner, he might have a better idea on this than her, but maybe that was the solution, get the mother’s together and let them work it out. No wonder Golda had been such a good leader for Israel; after all, she was not only a mother but a grandmother too.

5 Jewish term referring to the family of the bride or groom

6 Jewish term referring to ‘young gentlemen’

Her mind was made up and for a time her heart didn’t hurt as much. She had a plan now, one that she was sure Abner would not agree to at first, but she knew he would eventually go along, after all, she had been right when she told him that they were going to the Rabbi to set the date for their wedding, just as her papa had told her to do and he was skeptical then too, but she was right and here they were, about to celebrate their 35th anniversary. Looking down at Josh, resting in her lap, she wondered if he would have such nachos7? Would he ever have his own children to watch, to hold, to comfort? He must love this Robbie very much to be willing to give all that up, so it was up to her and Abner to make sure the boy was okay, after all, wasn’t that a parent’s duty?

Pastor Deke Johnson stared up from his hands at the ancient man in front of him. How did he answer such a question in such a short time? Did he even have the answer, was another point for him to ponder and yet he did have a stock answer, one that really wasn’t an answer at all.

7 Jewish term for pride

Pastor “Tommy, you are asking me for an absolute, there are no such things, not even in religion.”

Tommy “Come on Pastor, there has to be, God’s word is his word, how can that not be absolute? Does he or does he not say that queers are blasphemous?”

Pastor “Well it is the Church’s official position that yes he does, but you have to understand, that is slowly changing and the only true words that are 100% God’s are the ten commandments, the rest are written by others, and well, we don’t know if they interpreted his words properly, there is a great deal of confusion and uncertainty about homosexuals and homosexuality.”

Tommy “Well I don’t know all that stuff Pastor, I do know that Robbie is a good boy, he’s just made a few terrible choices. He needs help Pastor, I think if you talk to him, maybe he’ll see that, he’ll change.”

Pastor “Now Tommy, of course I’ll talk to him, if he wishes, but as far as changing him, Tommy, being a homosexual isn’t a choice, according to most creditable professionals, including some clergy I might add. It is almost, well it would be like saying a person really isn’t blond even if they have dyed their hair, they are still blond at the roots, no matter the colour above.”

Tommy “Pastor, I am just a simple man, I know my grandkids are all good at heart, it isn’t easy for the boys, but still, to do what Robbie did, Pastor he is a lost soul, he needs the church more than ever.”

Pastor “Tommy, I understand that, it is a sad thing indeed for someone so young to attempt to take his own life, but it is a malaise of society these days. All the religions are struggling with the new dilemma’s that are before us, homosexuality is one and in some cases, churches are recognizing at last, that being gay is not a choice, no more than skin colour or who your birth parents are is a choice. You will have to accept that Tommy.”

Tommy “How? How do I accept something I haven’t any idea of what it is? He is so young Pastor, how can he know what he is yet? If this isn’t a choice, then why try to kill yourself over it? Isn’t that a sign that he thinks he made a wrong choice?”

Pastor “That may be true Tommy, or it could be that he couldn’t stand the pain of rejection from family and friends because he is what he cannot change, or it could be something entirely different, there just is no way of knowing unless he tells us.”

Tommy “You have to find out, I can’t believe my son would turn his back on his own flesh and blood, and my daughter in law loves her children, I know that Pastor, no it can’t be that, it just can’t, can it?”

Pastor “Well, Walter does have some pretty strong views Tommy, you know that, but look, let me get a hold of this Doctor Macgregor and see what he has to say. Then maybe I’ll go visit with Robbie, and together maybe we’ll come to some understanding about why he did what he did, okay?”

Life used to be so simple, now it is so complicated by all this rediscovery of one’s self. Poor Tommy, and yet I always thought that Walter got his attitude from you, but now, I don’t know, he is definitely much different than you, he would never ask for someone’s help, especially a minister of God. How does one’s child become so different from the father?

Tommy “Thank you Pastor, I knew it was right to come here, I learned a long time ago that a person needed God.”

How do you tell someone 20 odd years your junior what life has taught you? Most today haven’t a clue as to the sacrifices people made so they could sit in front of their televisions today. How do I tell this man that my pain comes from over 50 years ago when I saw just how cruel my fellow man could be to others, not because they were the enemy, but because they had a different view of the world? How do you tell people what you saw when today, 50 years later, you still find it hard to comprehend?

Pastor “Oh? How was that Tommy?”

Tommy “Huh? Oh, I was in the war, I was part of those who liberated parts of Poland and Germany.”

Pastor “Really? You must have been quite young then, you don’t look all that old.”

Tommy “No? I feel it at times, I still have nightmares about those times, all those people, Pastor you have no idea how it was, I mean to see what should be men looking like skeletons, too weak to even smile, and the smell Pastor, it doesn’t leave you. My poor wife, bless her soul, used to get terrified when I had those dreams. At least she is spared that now.”

How do I tell you that I used to lie awake at night wishing that God would take me so I could end those dreams? How do I tell you I still wish for the end to come because the nightmares come still but there is no Doris to wipe my forehead with a cold cloth, there is no Doris to hold my trembling hand anymore, just an empty room in a sterile place, how do I explain to this youngster that I can feel for my grandson because I know the pain of living and the desire that it simply end?

Pastor “I see, I have heard a great deal about those times, I can only imagine, but surely it really wasn’t that bad was it? It is so hard for my mind to comprehend that such atrocities could be contemplated let alone happen.”

Another story of such things and he really believes it too. I find it incomprehensible that a nation being beaten so intensely could still carry out such atrocities at the expense of their war effort and yet these old veterans continue to say that that is exactly what the German nation did, how? Why would such a nation go on doing this when the outcome of the war was clear? Surely they weren’t all insane, or have such hatred that it didn’t matter? Could man really be that hateful?

Tommy “Yes, I know, I watched our Brigadier, as he toured the camp, he got 5 feet into the gate and threw up, there was hardly anyone of us who didn’t, and we all kept saying that it was a bad dream, that we would wake up and find it wasn’t so, but that never happened.”

Oh, if you only really knew, but I found that most don’t even want to hear about it, let alone understand it. How can a person understand it anyways, I lived through it, I saw it and I still don’t understand it.

Pastor “I see…”

Tommy “No, I don’t think you do Pastor. I doubt if anyone could unless they witnessed it with their own eyes. I never cared for Jews Pastor, not until then, it wasn’t like I hated them or anything, just never really knew any; but walking through that camp, I saw them standing so silent, as if they were waiting for the other shoe to fall. The lack of hope that was there and yet, I don’t know, it was strange, it was almost as if they knew something we didn’t. I saw many lift their eyes upwards as we walked in, I could see their lips moving, saying thank you and I realized then just how much faith a person did have. To live through all that horror and still be able to love God? I don’t know if I could do that Pastor, I guess that kind of still haunts me, I really don’t know if I could accept a God who had let that happen to me.”

He is no different; he doesn’t believe it either just as my own boys didn’t believe it, and yet they lived in the same house as me, they heard me wake up in the middle of the night screaming. How could Walter and Mark not know it was true? Could they not see the terror in my eyes? No, you don’t understand it Pastor, I doubt if you ever will and maybe that is how it should be, but then what happens if we let you forget about that and other things that happened? I wish Doris were here, she would know what to do about Robbie, and at least she would hold my hand and stop the trembling. I know I’ll have those dreams tonight, I wish I could stay awake; I hate sleeping.

Pastor “Well, I don’t know what to say Tommy, I guess there just is no explaining how much faith one has or how much one can endure and still believe, but many didn’t have that faith. I know the local Rabbi here, his family survived the camps and he remarked how he became a Rabbi because his own father had turned his back on God, so I don’t know.”

I wonder if my own faith could sustain all that, if it is true?

Tommy “Really? I didn’t know that.”

Pastor “Oh, you know the Rabbi?”

Tommy “No, I haven’t met him, but his son, well his son is the one who found Robbie, I don’t know if they, well, you know, but they were living together, so…”

Pastor “Oh I see, maybe I should talk to him, or would you rather I not?”

Tommy “I don’t know, could he help?”

Pastor “I don’t know, but if his son and your grandson were, well together, it might help if we both approach this united, don’t you think? Safety in numbers they say.”

Tommy “I suppose, I don’t know, I…”

Pastor “Why don’t I talk to the Doctor first, then maybe we’ll see, okay?”

Tommy “Thank you Pastor, I’ll be at my son’s place. I think I should be with Sharon right now, she really is a good girl, but she is so timid.”

Pastor “Yes she is, tell her not to worry about coming in until she is ready, I am sure one of the other girls can cover for the time being.”

Tommy “Thank you Pastor.”

Pastor “That is okay, I might drop in and see her myself later in the afternoon or after supper, I’ll call first though.”

Tommy “Okay, thank you again Pastor, I am sure if you talk to him, well…”

Pastor “Yes, well one step at a time Tommy, I’ll be in touch.”

Tommy Fisher walked out, and for the first time Pastor Johnson, thought about just how old Tommy looked at that moment. He couldn’t be more than mid seventies and yet as he left his office, he looked more like a man of a hundred. The slow shuffle as he walked, the trembling arms and the slouched over posture were all signs of a man carrying a terrible burden and Pastor Johnson leaned back in his leather chair, wondering just what was it about mankind that they could do such terrible things and then turn around and do such acts of kindness?

He knew a little about the Fisher’s, after all Sharon Fisher was a part time receptionist at the church, and they did attend regularly. He had met Walter a few times, and was unimpressed by the man. He came across so self assured, so confident, and yet there was something about him that made a person think twice about engaging him in conversation. It was almost as if you couldn’t trust the man from the start, which was a terrible thing for a man of God to think, yet it was how he felt.

Sharon on the other hand was a quiet woman, she never seemed to speak unless you spoke to her but she did her work well, which was all you could ask. Rarely did she talk about issues or seem to even have an opinion but once you met her husband, well it all kind of fit together then. He was definitely the dominating type in that household, and it was rather easy for him to understand why Robbie would rebel. The question was, why the suicide attempt, if the boy had found a partner, why the sudden decision to end it all? There was more to the attempt than Tommy seemed aware of and for a few minutes, Pastor Johnson sat there with an awful feeling of apprehension in the pit of his stomach.

For some reason he felt this unease, as if he was about to enter a world he would much rather not enter. Something dangerous lay ahead of him, something he thought he would much rather not know about, but there was no way for him to avoid it. This was his calling, this was his job but as he sat there, a slight chill in his body, a small murmur in his heart, he still wished that maybe he had gone into his father-in-law’s business instead of becoming a pastor.

Debbie Winston put the phone down and stared at the white page in front of her. She saw all the cold facts, the dates and times and everything else but what she didn’t see was why would a bright intelligent young man take the road of suicide at this stage of his life? All indicators pointed to him having a good life, held with lots of promise in all aspects, so why now?

She took the police report out again and glanced through it one more time, hoping to find something, some sign that maybe Robbie Fisher had left or made that would explain it all. The Doctor at EMI was really no help, and according to the police report, the boyfriend reported no fights, no problems between them, so domestic cause was out, so what was it? What was it that drove a young 18 year old to try to kill himself?

Looking at the clock on the far wall, she decided she needed to know more information before passing this case onwards. She picked up her phone and dialled the number from her Rolodex, mentally recalling the image of the man she was calling. They had met twice before when she had been forced to investigate two cases of alleged abuse and so she already knew the man well enough that she could maybe get some insight by talking to him.

Debbie “Coach Hardy Please, Deborah Winston calling.”

She waited while the secretary put her on hold, obviously trying to locate the Coach. She remembered how passionate he was about his boys on the team and she knew that Robbie Fisher had been a star for the man. According to the report from Dr. Macgregor, the boy was a top athlete but not attending any college on any scholarship. That rather bothered her some, after all according to her research, the boy was a good player, and lesser one’s than him had gotten scholarships, so what was the story there?

Coach “Coach Hardy here.”

Debbie “Coach, it is Debbie Winston, Social Services, we met last year…”

Coach “Oh yes, Ms Winston, I recall… don’t tell me there is more about that? I thought it was all dealt with?”

Oh Christ, it is that Social Services lady, now what? Damn why can’t these bureaucrats keep to their own side of the fence, shit I hope it isn’t a new case, the last one was enough to have to contend with. Sure as hell don’t need this shit now, not in a rebuilding year.

Debbie “Debbie, please, call me Debbie, and no this a new case.”

Coach “Okay, Debbie, a new case? Oh Christ, not another one?”

Debbie “Well, it is very preliminary Coach, and well, there are some things that are bothering me, I thought you might help shed some light on them for me.”

Coach “Of course, I’ll help anyway I can, can you tell me who this is about?”

Debbie “Yes, do you remember a Robbie Fisher? I think he played for you last year.”

Coach “ROBBIE FISHER? Sorry, why yes, do I remember him? Hell he was the best I have seen in a long time, he was my star, best little player around, why we wouldn’t have gone and won last year without him, oh God, don’t tell me he’s in trouble? If he is, well, what…”

Oh Christ, the Fisher boy, damn it I knew there was something there, fuck, what about his younger brother, Justin? I have him this year and he has as much, if not more, promise than Robbie. SHIT!

Debbie “Coach please, calm down, uh look, maybe we should do this in person. I have a, can you come down to my office? Or maybe we can meet somewhere for coffee?”

There is something in his voice, now why would he be so vocal? It is almost like he isn’t surprised at the name, just the timing? Whoa, what can of worms are opening here?

Coach “Uh, is it that, please, is Robbie okay? I mean, well, he was a special kid Ms. Win… sorry, Debbie, and if I can help in anyway, I sure would like the…”

Debbie “Well, yes and no, he is in trouble; I think, I think it would be better if we discussed this face to face Coach.”

Okay, there is something here, I knew it, I just knew it, deep down I knew it, but what is ‘it’? Damn, what is the secret, what is it that the Coach seems to know or for that matter, he sounded so surprised and yet, well, no, there is something, damn it, I knew it.

Coach “I see, sounds pretty serious to me if this is only a preliminary call and yet you want it to be private and face to face, well, okay, when and where?”

Debbie “Thank you Coach, can you get away now?”

Coach “Now? Yes, I suppose so.”

Debbie “Okay, well how about the Starbucks at Hillside Mall? My treat even, and they have seating outside.”

Coach “Okay, that isn’t too far, I can be there in, oh, about 15?”

Debbie “Well, sure, might take me a bit longer, but yeah, 15 minutes should be okay.”

Coach “Okay, I’ll be there.”

Debbie “Uh, Coach, could you maybe bring his school records with you? It might help me get a clear picture of the boy.”

Might as well see what the school history was, maybe there is a clue there, and this can save me time too, but he sounds so hesitant, uneasy even, I wonder why?

Coach “Well, uh, okay, I’ll bring what I can, not sure if we would still have them. I know we have his younger brothers, but Robbie graduated last year.”

Debbie “Young brother? Hmm, bring his file too if you can please.”

There was no mention of a younger brother in the damn report, maybe there is much more going on, why would Coach Hardy mention him like that? What does the Coach know? He sure has something on his mind.

Coach “Well, now if this what I think it is, I don’t know Ms Winston, maybe I should let the principle decide this, I mean, well you understand.”

Debbie “Actually, No I don’t understand Coach. Either you want to help out your star player or not, so, please bring the records with you. You can return them, I won’t be keeping them… at this time.”

Damn, there is something. What? What has the Coach back pedalling so hard now? What is in those files? I had better make a note to request all files now, but why would the Coach bring up the younger brother? No, every damn red flag is up, there is something, what have I missed? There has to be something here, some sign, what is it?

Coach “I see, well, I’ll see what I can do.”

Debbie “Thank you Coach Hardy, 15 minutes?”

Coach “Yes, maybe 20 but I’ll be there.”

Debbie “Good, and coach, this is confidential, okay?”

Coach “Yes, fine, goodbye Ms Winston.”

Debbie “15 to 20 minutes it is, see you then Coach, good bye.”

Coach Hardy put the receiver down and stared at the wall. He shivered a bit even though the room was warm. The sun was shining outside but as he stared out of the window, he thought it looked a bit tarnished, a bit cloudy even though the sky was a clear blue, nary a cloud in sight. He got up and walked over to the main office, wondering what was going on, but knowing in the pit of his stomach that the Fisher saga would be a rough one.

He never had any evidence, and he never could put his finger exactly on it but he knew that Robbie was a ticking time bomb. There was a tragic look about the boy, like no matter how good his game had been, it didn’t seem to satisfy him. The whole idea of being the MVP at the High School Championships had finally brought a small smile, but it didn’t seem to last for him.

The 42 year old man walked with his head down, his heart heavy with the burden of not knowing exactly what was wrong, but he knew deep in his heart that in some way, he was about to experience something that he would not wish on anyone. Life had been good to him, working as a Coach at Mount Douglas was something he had always wanted, from when he first registered at Uvic to become a teacher, his dream had been to teach and coach at Mount Doug, and here he was, entering his 7th year.

He had one championship team under his belt, had finished in the top 5 of the entire province for 4 other years, which really was a feat. Only the Oak Bay High teams of the 70’s surpassed his record, and that was no easy task. As he thumbed down the file cabinet labels he felt the unease growing, and yet he should be excited, he had a good crop of sophomores and seniors this year, and there was even an outside chance of being able to repeat as Champion.

His hand stopped at the “F’s” and his hand trembled a little, as his thoughts collided with the name. Yes, they had a chance this year and once more, it was because of a FISHER, but not Robbie this time around, but his younger brother Justin. He pulled open the cabinet and stared at the two files resting inside, under his hand. His hand shaking, he pulled out the two files, one Robbie and the other Justin.

Opening the two files on top of the file cabinet, he stared down at the two boys whose faces stared up at him. He saw the same sorrowful look he had remembered coming from Robbie’s eyes right at him. It was almost like a blow even, and he stepped back a half step, wondering if maybe he should just put the files back and let Social Services request them in the usual manner, but the pull of the eyes, it was almost as if Robbie was begging him, pleading with him to not back down this time.

He felt all clammy and strange as he stared down into Robbie’s blue eyes, and it was like he could feel him tugging at his heart, urging him silently to go ahead, to take the files and he flipped it closed, his hand trembling and sweating as he moved over to Justin’s file. There was so much to remind him of Robbie and yet Justin was different. He didn’t have the sorrowful look that Robbie did, but he did have a sort of quiet that worried Coach Hardy.

In all his years of teaching, the quiet ones made the most impact on him. He could tell there was more to both boys, and he noticed that at the end of last year, there was a great deal of tension in Justin, as if something had changed drastically in his life. He didn’t smile half as much and his intensity level shot way up, as if he was suddenly on a mission to prove something. The other thing that struck him hard was that suddenly Justin’s father was much more of a presence in Justin’s basketball life.

Looking into Justin’s picture, he stared and saw the same inner pain that was so obvious in Robbie’s face, but in Justin’s it was hidden better and he wondered if he had learnt that from his brother? Coach Hardy closed the manila folder and left the room with both under his arm and headed out towards the parking lot. He had signed out and was heading to the car, his heart heavy and apprehensive.