Chapter 04

Dr. Lewis Macgregor waited for the locked door to be buzzed open by the orderly at the main desk, and he was stamping his feet waiting as his mind continued to go over the budget list that his superiors were demanding he address before their next meeting. Damn bureaucrats, when would they learn that medicine was something you couldn’t budge, couldn’t stick into neat little fiscal categories. He needed the funds, every penny, in order to not just maintain this wing but to continue the needed research. Despite all of man’s advancements, he still knew virtually nothing about the human brain, the ultimate computer but no, no extra funds for his critical research but they could get a new coffee maker for the nurses’ lounge.

Finally, the door buzzed and he opened it impatiently, showing his displeasure and yet he knew that the orderly wasn’t even watching him, nor did he even care what the doctor was thinking. He really wished he could move to the states and get himself set up there, but the cost of such a change just wasn’t in his means, yet. He walked into the spacious waiting area and looked around. He saw the small man standing by the big bay window overlooking the back quadrant, staring at the new construction just beginning over at the hospital and his face darkened.

It wasn’t fair that over 100 million dollars was being spent to update the older Royal Jubilee and not a penny had been earmarked for his own ancient building. Politicians, it seemed, weren’t really all that interested in the mentally handicapped, unless they committed some outrageous crime, then they sure seemed to care; but Victoria didn’t have that type of crime or so it seemed, at least not yet it didn’t.

He stood looking at the smallish man wondering what would ever make a rational being spend his entire life supporting a myth? There was no proof of God and it was that insane belief that led to some of his major headaches. How could he get people to accept their responsibilities if they were off on the ‘God thing’ as he called it. Science had no room for such nonsense and yet normal looking, sounding people, constantly espoused the view that there was some supreme being looking after them. Dr. Macgregor shook his head as he approached the rather hunched over man.

Macgregor “Rabbi?”

The sound of the brusque voice intruded on his thoughts of happier times, when his sons would come to curl up at his feet and listen to him tell them stories about their heritage. Now all they wanted to know was could they borrow the car, what was for dinner and why didn’t he always want to know who and where they were going. The world had certainly changed as he turned to see who had called him and to reply.

Rabbi “Yes? You the doctor I am supposed to see?”

Macgregor “Well Rabbi, I am in charge of this wing of the hospital, now I understand you wish to see a recent admittance? Let me see…”

Dr. Macgregor felt a bit unsteady as he stared into the Rabbi’s wrinkled face and for some reason he felt uneasy, as if something else was happening that his mind couldn’t comprehend. He broke off the look to stare at the clipboard in his hand and he turned a few pages, a trick that ninety-nine percent of the time duly impressed the person on the other end. He could tell that this was one of those times when it had no effect and that too began to bother him as he adopted his super official voice, the one that indicated he was the doctor, and the person he was addressing should be considering themselves lucky to be in his presence.

Rabbi “Yes, I wish to see Robbie Fisher, he was transferred here yesterday from emergency.”

Macgregor “Fisher, hmm, oh yes the gay boy who tried to commit suicide.”

Rabbi “Gay boy? Oh, and how do you know that Doctor?”

Macgregor “Well Rabbi, really that isn’t your concern is it? Did you not know that Mr. Fisher was a homosexual?”

Rabbi “Well now, I don’t know, is it important?”

Macgregor “Oh yes, it helps us determine his mental state, so we can then prescribe the proper course of treatment. It really is a shame, how these young men get so confused, don’t you agree? After all I don’t think even your religion condones such deviant behaviour?”

Abner didn’t like the doctor and for some reason he felt challenged, as if he were being judged for something he hadn’t any control over or was even involved with. Strange how some doctors could be so aloof, as if they were afraid to get close, to try to know the person they were charged with helping and yet he knew that this doctor was one of those who had the answer for everything, except the most important answer, ‘WHY?’.

Rabbi “Well, I suppose no religious group promotes such actions, but then some things just aren’t in our power to deal with, so…”

Macgregor “Well Rabbi, unfortunately I would disagree about that; however, I am way too busy to discuss such technicalities with you, now let me see, yes well the family has restricted his access to family, hmm, they don’t specify about clergy though, just friends and such, well I suppose it will be okay for now.”

Rabbi “Thank you Doctor, that is very kind, um, one last favour perhaps? How is he? Is there maybe anything I should be aware of?”

Macgregor “Aware of? No, I don’t think so, physically he’s healing, the damage was deep but there was no serious muscle or tendon damage, so that will be okay; however, he hasn’t really been very talkative, so we really don’t know his mental status yet.”

Rabbi “Well I am sure he is embarrassed by all this fuss, maybe he’ll talk to me.”

Macgregor “Yes, well if he’s that sort, I suppose he might, of course you will inform me or the staff if he does say anything of importance regarding his attitude.”

Rabbi “Naturally Doctor, within the scope I am allowed of course, now, I understand we must stay in his room? Surely he can maybe join me out in the garden you have out back or up on the solarium?”

Macgregor “That really is a bit out of the ordinary Rabbi, we do like to keep our patients where we can keep a close eye on them; they do need to be supervised all the time and I really don’t think the staff is in any position to sit out in the garden baby sitting at this time of day!”

Rabbi “Yes, but I will be watching him, besides I think he will feel more at ease and perhaps more willing to talk away from the purely clinical atmosphere of a hospital room.”

Macgregor “Perhaps, I do have other patients to attend to Rabbi, if one of the staff is willing to take you both down to the garden and show you the emergency procedures should young Mr. Fisher try anything, I won’t object.”

Rabbi “That is very kind of you Doctor, I appreciate you taking such time out of your busy schedule, now if you can just point me in the right direction.”

Macgregor “Yes, I’ll sign you in I suppose.”

Dr. Macgregor strolled quickly towards the two solid double doors from where he had come and he punched at the wall intercom in a hasty and angry manner, or so Rabbi Goldberg thought. He also thought that he didn’t like this man and that to have such a man as him in charge only showed him the craziness of mankind. You needed people who cared not people who wanted to change you to a rigid code of their own design. No, he definitely didn’t like Doctor Macgregor as he stood slightly behind waiting for the tell-tale buzz so they could enter the secure ward.

The sign in procedure was something totally new for Rabbi Goldberg and he marvelled at how quickly the young man at the desk handled it all, including the explanations and cautions of what to do or not do. When asked if he could take Robbie and himself down to the gardens, the man looked up at the Rabbi and then towards the back of the bustling Doctor Macgregor. He called out and got the permission and then he smiled and shook his head as he finished the sign in procedure.

Rabbi Goldberg waited for a full fifteen minutes before the young man at the desk was able to step out and take him to Robbie’s room. He was down the hall where another young man sat in a semi circle kiosk, watching several monitors that were piled up and every now and then glancing towards the rooms spread out in front of him.

Each room was well lit and he could see inside to each of them as they had walls of clear glass or so he thought. As they walked up to the room where Robbie was he noticed the dullness around some of the glass and he realized it wasn’t glass at all but some sort of thick plastic that gave everyone a view of everything. There was absolutely no privacy and he wondered how anyone could live in that type of supervision.

Robbie was lying on his cot, his face devoid of any expression or interest in what was happening around him. He laid there, looking so sullen and dejected that the Rabbi could feel his heart trying to reach out for him, wanting to just reach out and hold the poor boy in his arms. Just as he used to do for his own Joshua, he wanted to cradle the young man and whisper soothing words into his ears but then, that was a long time ago and now, well until recently, they rarely spoke about such things.

As they came to the door, he noticed the small twist of Robbie’s face as he took in the sight of his two visitors. He obviously was unimpressed as he didn’t flinch or move a muscle as the door buzzed and swung open inwards a few inches. The orderly entered and stood to one side, letting the Rabbi enter.

The wave of sadness just seemed to reach out and shake him as he walked into the room and he stumbled a little, as he could even smell it. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before and tiny beads of sweat were popping up on his forehead. He looked at the face and his heart stuttered, feeling the absolute dejection and resignation that came flooding out towards him. It was almost as if Robbie had surrendered to a living death or something worse, as if he had no hope left.

Orderly “Hey Robbie, look, your rabbi has come for a visit, you going to say hi?”

Rabbi “Hello Robbie.”

Robbie “Rabbi?”

Orderly “Yes, and Dr. Macgregor has given him permission to take you down to the garden to talk instead of in here, if you feel up to it, so what do you say? Want to go grab some fresh air?”

Robbie “Outside? The garden?”

Rabbi “Yes, it is a nice fall day, come on, what do you say Robbie? Shall we?”

Robbie “Uh, I guess, rabbi?”

Rabbi “Yes Robbie, you remember me, Rabbi Goldberg, now come, let us go enjoy the day outside, we can talk there.”

Robbie “Oh… uh, I suppose.”

The orderly moved inwards and he reached out for the robe that was sitting on the chair, and he held it up so Robbie could put it on. The Rabbi noticed how the orderly kept his feet spread apart, and how he was always in front of Robbie and yet between Robbie and the door. It made him feel sad, to think that such a young man was being treated as some criminal who might bolt and yet, well he had to admit the orderly was doing it in a rather discreet manner and he doubted if Robbie would notice it, at least not in his present state.

With Robbie covered in the dull blue robe and slippers on his feet they headed out beyond the plastic walled room. As he stepped out into the hallway, he watched as Robbie hesitated and looked back towards the room and then at him. It was strange, almost as if he feared leaving the room and then he shuffled on, the orderly holding his arm tightly in a firm grip and they headed towards a set of elevators.

The garden was a wonderful place, flowers were still in bloom and the fragrance was warm and enticing to him. Rabbi Goldberg enjoyed gardening and moving to Victoria had been a blessing to him. After all, it rarely snowed here and you could garden almost all year round if you wanted, and he wanted. The trees helped to shade them from the sun and they made their way to a rusty old set of chairs next to a huge concrete stand. At first, he hadn’t a clue what the concrete urn was for until they sat down and noticed all of the cigarette butts inside.

Orderly “Rabbi, you have smokes and a light?”

Rabbi “Huh, oh no I don’t smoke.”

Orderly “Okay, Robbie you want me to leave some cigarettes for you? Do you smoke Robbie?”

Robbie “Huh, not really, no I don’t really.”

Rabbi “Thank you, uh, Bradley is it? Thank you but I think we’ll forego the cigarettes this time.”

Orderly “Okay, no problem Rabbi, just hit that green button over there when you two are finished, okay? I’ll come down as soon as I can to get you and take you back inside, okay Rabbi?”

Rabbi “Certainly, thank you.”

Rabbi Goldberg watched as the young man left and he was rather surprised at how pleasant he had been, even that he cared if the patient had enough smokes while outside. He knew they couldn’t smoke inside which would explain all the butts in the container, but still it was a kind act, one he was sure that Dr. Macgregor wouldn’t approve of.

He leaned back into the old chair and took his cap off, setting it down onto the seat next to him and he ran his hand through the few remaining strands of his grey hair, feeling a bit lost and very sad.

Robbie “You are Josh’s dad aren’t you?”
Rabbi “Yes, he asked me to come to see you, he’s…”
Robbie “It is okay Rabbi, he doesn’t have to send you to tell me we are through, I knew that when I woke up in here.”	At least he did send someone, I really didn’t expect him to come but it would have been nice, to just see his face one more time but then maybe not, I don’t think I could have handled seeing his face anyways.
Rabbi “Through? I am sorry, I am not good at this. Josh would have come himself, but your, uh well, your family has restricted visitors.”	He has no hope or so he thinks but there is always hope, there has to be or man would have perished long ago, but how can I give him that hope? I don’t even understand him and Josh, and yet I must make him see there is still hope.
Robbie “My family? Oh, then how did you get in?”	My family? Sounds like something dad would do, keep it all hidden.
Rabbi “They think I am your spiritual advisor or something, privilege of being clergy I suppose.”
Robbie “So why are you here then?”
Rabbi “My son asked me to, and I don’t know, I suppose I thought you might want to talk to someone, I am supposed to be a good listener.”	Fair question and what do I say? Do I tell you that I love my son and he is in pain because of what you did and so I am here to help ease his pain? What do I tell you, that if I could be elsewhere I would be? How does one explain what one doesn’t even comprehend themselves?
Robbie “Your son and I had sex, did you know that? Did you know we were boyfriends?”	You don’t care, I know how you treated him when he told you he was gay, so why are you here pretending like you are the good father? All of you are alike; it is like my dad says, a matter of control and showing who is really in charge, that is all it is.
Rabbi “Yes, I did, and if you think you can shock me, well I suppose maybe you can, after all I am an old man, a Rabbi too, so I guess I shock easily, but is that what you want? To shock me?”	He is so young, the same as Joshua and yet he has so much pain inside of him, so much anger too, but from what? What is it you are hiding Robbie Fisher? What is it that has made you lose such hope in your life?
Robbie “I suppose, so why are you here?”	You haven’t run for the button, why haven’t you? Are you real or am I just deluding myself again? Josh said you were stubborn, and maybe he’s right but maybe, no I should know better, there is nothing left, you are just going to delay the inevitable.

Robbie stared into the Rabbi’s eyes and then he just turned his head and looked down at the ground. His heart was beating strangely and a whole host of emotions were running through his mind, and he felt so alone, so empty and yet maybe he really wasn’t. Maybe there really was hope but hope for what? His life was a total mess, his family had restricted his visitors and yet none of them had shown up to even see him, so what was the use? Why should he go through more of this charade called life?

Rabbi “As hard as it may be to believe, because my son asked me to come, and also, well because I wanted to meet you, mind you I would have preferred some other place than here, but at least, thank God, I have a second chance to meet the person my son says he loves, so… that is why I am here, and you?”

Robbie “He really wanted you to come? Why?”

Rabbi “Because he couldn’t come himself, they won’t let him, don’t you want to see him?”

Robbie “Me? Yeah, I guess, I don’t know, I mean, he must hate me, after what I did I am sure he must, so maybe no, no I don’t think I would like to see him.”

Rabbi “Joshua doesn’t hate you, well, that isn’t exactly true, I suppose a part of him does think he hates you, and yes for what you did, but he also hates himself too Robbie, he just sits there, speaking only when necessary, but at least he does want to see you.”

Robbie “He hates himself? What for? He didn’t do anything, it was my decision, and I guess I screwed even that up, but he shouldn’t hate himself, it should only be me that he hates.”

Rabbi “Yes? You think he is such an innocent? He sits there, trying to figure out where he went wrong, why he couldn’t see your pain and why he didn’t do more about it, so yes Robbie, he hates himself, and his mother and I are afraid for him, and for you too, you are both so young, what is so terrible that life is no longer worth living? Tell me, because then maybe I can tell my poor wife so she’ll stop worrying, and maybe I can tell my Joshua so he will stop hating and start loving again, tell me what it is Robbie?”

Robbie turned towards the Rabbi and he saw the tears in the old man’s face and he felt the twinge in his heart as he struggled to think it all out. Josh hated him but hated himself too? That wasn’t right, it wasn’t Josh’s problem, why should he blame himself and why would he ask his own father to come here? If he heard right, his father had been less than thrilled to find out he was gay, and yet here sits that man, talking about love and easing pain, how could this be real? This all had to be nothing but a bad dream, a nightmare that he knew he wouldn’t wake up from, maybe this was his hell, his personal hell.

The tears were welling up at the corner of his eyes and for a second he felt like he was only 5 or 6 years old after he had disappointed his father. He really did want to make his dad happy, but he just couldn’t do it, or so it had seemed and now, now he was showing just how much of a failure he really was. Christ, why couldn’t Josh have stayed out like he was supposed to, why did he have to come home early and spoil it all.

Everything was all screwed up thanks to him and he didn’t know how to fix it and his heart was aching again, once more it was arguing but he couldn’t listen, not now, not with Josh’s dad sitting next to him, waiting and hoping for something, but what? What was it that Rabbi Goldberg expected him to do? Did he want him to absolve Josh? Fine, he could do that, well sort of, least he could tell him it wasn’t his fault or anything that he did wrong but shit, he should have stayed out of it.

The ache in his heart was becoming almost unbearable and still his mind battled on, refusing to relinquish control for a second and he felt his body tremble as the struggle raged on inside of him. He wanted to tell the Rabbi that Josh was something special, that he should let him know that and yet he couldn’t find the words, or the means to explain it, but then he was stupid, so what should he expect?

Robbie “I don’t blame Josh for hating me, he should, but then I am a screw up Rabbi, he just didn’t know it at the time, guess he does now though!”

Rabbi “You don’t blame him for hating you? …I do.”

Robbie “Why? Don’t you think he has a right?”

Rabbi “Right? Right? No, no one has the right to hate, especially if you love someone as you two claim, you shouldn’t hate each other for the other’s mistakes, be mad, yell and scream, have pity or feel sad, but hate? No, no there is enough hatred in this world, it doesn’t need anymore.”

Robbie “You sound like someone on a crusade, why shouldn’t he hate me? Look at what I did to him? I left him to clean up my own stupid mess, and maybe I should have left him a note or something, but I didn’t, so why shouldn’t he?”

Rabbi “Because he is supposed to love you, that is why.”

Robbie “What does love have to do with anything? Maybe he thought he loved me, I know I love him but I still did that to him, so…”

Rabbi “So you were scared, you made a mistake in judgement, that doesn’t give him or anyone the right to hate someone, no one.”

Robbie “And you don’t hate me? Be honest Rabbi, when he told you what happened, didn’t you hate me then? Don’t you even now?”

Rabbi “Hate you? No not hate, I was angry with you, and I am still angry with you, but I don’t hate you, I don’t hate Joshua, I don’t understand him, but what father understands his son? Did I hate you when he told me what had happened? No, I cried because my son was in pain and I don’t have the answers, I couldn’t explain to him why someone who claimed to love him would try to kill themselves, I couldn’t give him the answers he needs, so yes Robbie, I am angry with you but I don’t hate you, I am sad for you and I hurt for you, but I don’t and I won’t hate you. You can shout, you can make all the shocking comments you want, but it won’t change me inside, where my heart is, it won’t make me hate you.”

The words were said softly and Robbie had to strain to hear. His face had been drawn by the soft quiet voice and his eyes stared into the wizened face. He could see tears in the man’s eyes as he spoke and as he looked down to his hands, he saw the old wrinkled flesh of the Rabbi’s hand resting on his wrist, resting on one of the bandages and for the first time he felt no shame. It was like his body was slowly being invaded by a strange force that was quelling the rising panic and fear that was a constant companion of his young life.

Nothing he could say in his mind could deter the soft words that rattled around inside of him. He wasn’t hated, he wasn’t being written off as being a waste and this from a man who hadn’t know what ‘gay’ was until a few short months ago. He was there, sitting holding onto him and for some inexplicable reason, he could feel his spirits awakening deep inside of his body. Could there be hope?

Robbie “Why are you doing this?”

Rabbi “Why? Why not? Is this not what a father does for his family?”

Robbie “Maybe, but I am not in your family.”

Rabbi “No? You are my son’s life partner, so he says, are you not?”

Robbie “I was…”

Rabbi “…and still are I think, so that makes you part of my family, I would have preferred…”

Robbie “I be a female?”

Rabbi “Well, that too, but I was going to say I would have preferred you were Jewish, but that I can live with, as long as he is happy, that is all I am concerned with.”

Robbie “He’s not happy now…”

Rabbi “No, but then either are you, so what are we going to do about that?”

Robbie “We?”

Rabbi “Yes, when you get yourself into a Jewish family, it just isn’t the boy you marry, it is the whole family, you get us all boydcheck1, good and bad, and besides, the whole world knows Jewish parents meddle into the lives of their children, it is tradition, you think we would be any different?”

He felt dizzy sitting there, the warmth that was slowly enveloping him was strange and yet it felt so good that he didn’t want it to stop. For a brief second or two he actually felt safe, as if there were some magic cloak weaving around him, and yet his mind knew that was false, that there was no way he would be accepted into anyone’s family, Jewish or not. No, it was all a trick, just like everything else was a myth. Families weren’t the safe haven the world said and he knew that from first hand experience, so why should this one be any different?

Robbie “You make it sound like nothing has happened, like we can just step back in time and what I did never happened.”

Rabbi “No, that I can’t do Robbie, but, well, I believe in the power of love, and I think that if you truly love Joshua and he truly loves you, that in time, all of this can be put aside, and, God willing, you will have the chance to see if what you have is real or not. I can’t answer that one, only God can, and of course, your heart.”

Sitting there and just talking was strange to him. He never was good at expressing his emotions and he had prayed that God would find a way to help him in this task. He knew God was busy, after all look at all the craziness going on, but somehow he felt that maybe he could sneak in a second or two to help him out, after all, he was one of the chosen, and they supposedly had a special place in God’s own heart.

1 Jewish term referring to young man, sort of a slang term

As his hand rested on Robbie’s bandaged wrist, he had felt the pain rush at him, strike him and almost bowl him over but the strong beat of his heart, the strong bond of love he felt for his son stopped the pain from overpowering him and slowly, ever so slowly, he could feel that pain being pushed back, being shunted aside as his desire to reach Robbie grew and he knew that God was with him, as he always was.

Robbie “But I mean Josh said you were…”

Rabbi “Opposed to his lifestyle? Yes I guess maybe I was at first, maybe I am even now, it isn’t for me, I have been married to his mother for 34 years now, I can’t imagine a life without her, so, maybe I forgot that love is supposed to be blind, does that make me a bad father?”

And now I understand it? No, I still don’t understand it but that isn’t important, what is important is Joshua is my son, and he is in pain and needs me, how can I not be there? Am I not his father? Did I not give him life? Love isn’t something conditional, it is absolute, that much I know, but it is something I am still learning too, and so are you it seems.

Robbie “You are asking me?”

Rabbi “Why not? You have an opinion don’t you?”

Robbie “I suppose, but, why would it matter to you?”

Rabbi “Why? I guess because you are important to my son and he is important to me, no matter what we disagree on, he is and always will be my little mench2, my little man, so, yes what you think does matter to me!”

Robbie “Josh and I spent hours talking about that, about whether love is real, if it is truly blind or if it was just a myth. You know it was kind of fun, to just sit and listen to him talk, the way his face would get all serious, I mean he was so sexy when he, uh, sorry, I guess I forgot that, I mean…”

God, it was only a few short weeks ago that he had lain in bed with Josh and argued about whether love was real or a myth? He could see the eyes now, the deep blue eyes glistening and sparkling as he argued for love. Josh looked so handsome, his forehead wrinkled a little as he tried to make him see his point and he realized just how much he did want to believe.

Hell, he even did for a brief time believe Josh, and the feeling was something so special that he wished that he could have captured it and bottled it for the other times, the times when reality did set in, when he could feel all that had gone on in the past, so he could open that bottle and breath that intoxicating aroma and feel it once more.

Yes, Josh did believe in love, it was he who doubted but when Josh spoke about himself, about how he felt and he could picture him now, could see the way his body just seemed to glisten, like it was shining or glowing from some secret fire, he could actually believe that love existed. It was like a hidden treasure that was buried just for him and he did feel special then, but it didn’t last.

Rabbi “What? You don’t think that embarrasses me or isn’t what I wanted to hear?”

Robbie “Well, yeah, I mean you really weren’t all that in favour of his, well the way he is, and well, you have been nice, coming to talk to me and listen, but…”

2 Jewish term referring to a young gentlemen

Rabbi “So? A father always wants to hear about his son and his passions, and I must admit, we too used to have those discussions, not the same subject mind you, but still, they were intense, and yes the fire in his eyes would shine through, and I suppose you could say it made him more attractive, but then, you see to me, he was always a handsome boy, so I only take nuchos3, sorry, pride, when people see that fire too, after all he is my son!”

Robbie “Then why did you get so mad at him? He said you wouldn’t even talk to him for weeks, that when he called you would just pass the phone off, if you feel… I am sorry, I guess I should mind my own business, not that I seem to handle that too well either…”

Rabbi “Is Joshua not your, how do you say it, boyfriend? Is he not someone you care for, love even?”

Robbie “Of course he is, I told you that!”

Rabbi “Then you have the right to comment, don’t you?”

It was amazing, the way the old man kept coming back to that, kept questioning if he loved Joshua or not. Strange, but each time he felt a fire start to flicker inside, like there was something there to burn and something there to hang onto, and yet, it couldn’t be, could it?

His thoughts were all jumbled up inside, his mind was feeling confused as now it was fighting a battle on two fronts. The one war that raged deep inside with his heart and now a second battle with the father of his boyfriend. It was almost as if the two were allied against his mind and for some unknown reason it felt good. As the rabbi debated him, it was like his heart was given a chance to regenerate itself, to gather its diminished strength and his mind was torn, unsure of where to fight first.

3 term referring to pride

Robbie “You are good, I used to enjoy debating in High School, it was fun, but then I guess like everything else I just wasn’t good enough.”

Rabbi “No? I don’t know, I think that anyone who could capture Joshua’s heart and desire has to be good at something.”

What has the world done to you in such a short time that you feel you have nothing to give to the world? What is it that has robbed you of your dreams and made you embrace the darkness of hopelessness?

Robbie “Capture his heart? I have asked myself that a lot lately, I wish I knew how to; maybe it would have made a difference.”

If only I could believe that, if only I really did have something that made Josh fall for me other than a tight ass or a nice basket, but even that wasn’t all that special, but I do wish I could believe there was something.

Rabbi “Maybe it still can, if you let it?”

Robbie could feel the fires inside now, they were real and not an illusion as his mind was telling him. He really did care for Josh and that was the one regret that he really had as he had sat there, waiting for the end to come. He shivered a little and as he did, he felt the Rabbi’s hand tighten a little around his wrist and the chill suddenly stopped. His eyes were filled with tears suddenly as he stared at the face of Josh’s father and he could see Josh in that face. The way the eyes looked at him, so open, so honest and so caring. Robbie had loved it when he could look into Josh’s eyes and see that strange warm glow, the same glow he was seeing now in the father’s eyes.

It was kind of freaky for Robbie, because every time he let one hand touch the other’s wrists, he could feel the pain lancing through his whole body, even when he would just lay perfectly still he felt the dull throb of his wounds and yet here a stranger was holding him there, firmly, and all he felt was a warm cuddly feeling, like he was being sheltered and yet he knew it should be hurting, and it wasn’t. His heart was growing in strength and yet for the most part it kept silent, letting its new ally speak for it and that too made him uncomfortable. How could someone he didn’t know, know what was inside of his heart?

Robbie “You think? I don’t, it isn’t up to me.”

Rabbi “No? So who is it up to then?”

Robbie “I don’t know, Josh maybe, but not me.”

Rabbi “Maybe, once you have decided, maybe…”

Robbie “I decide? I don’t think so Rabbi, it just isn’t meant to be, God’s will and all that I suppose.”

You make it sound so simple Rabbi, but you know in your own heart it isn’t that way at all, you know we can’t go up against God, we have no choice but to accept our fates, at least that much I did learn from my dad, maybe nothing else, but at least that.

Rabbi “God’s will? You really think God wants you to be unhappy? To be in pain? Because that isn’t the God I know, certainly he isn’t the God that Joshua believes in.”

Robbie “No? Then maybe you have a different God than me, my God even refused to take me, I guess he didn’t want heaven contaminated by me!”

How can you, a Jew, believe that God is a God of love? Even I know history enough to know that the Jews have been hunted, beaten, robbed, killed, not because they were bad, just because they were Jews, so how can you still, knowing all that trust in God or believe he is full of love? Maybe you are all hypnotized or something, but get real, look around at all that is so wrong, and then tell me God loves.

Abner felt a slight tremor in his heart as he listened to the dejected voice of the young man. He could feel his terrible pain and his complete sense of abandonment not just in his words, but also in his touch. He could feel the hand trembling and shaking under his fat fingers and the pain, it was there waiting, like an animal about to pounce on some unsuspecting prey.

He felt a deep sadness inside of himself as he realized just how much despair a young person could have. For all his years as a Rabbi and even a father, he never understood how lonely a life a child could have even when he was a popular child. Being surrounded by adoring friends didn’t make a person feel love or feel wanted, and at least a solid base in one’s faith could see you through that, but today, even that was denied a child.

Rabbi “Different? No, God is God, whatever colouring we put on him, God is God!”

Robbie “You have to say that, after all you are one of his priests, but Rabbi, I don’t know if I even believe in God anymore, if I did it was a long time ago, before, well, before I grew up.”

Rabbi “You think you are the only one who has a bone to pick with the All Mighty? Oy, get in line my son, we all have our bones to pick, and one day, one day we will get the answers, but that doesn’t mean we stop believing, in fact that is when we need to believe the most.”

Dear God you don’t make it easy for us do you? I guess maybe that is all a part of life, but why does life have to be so cruel? What could someone so young, so innocent have done that he is suffering so much? Why God? Why?

Robbie “How can you, I mean I have heard Josh talk about the holocaust, and how when you and his mother came here, how you were treated and that was after the war, so how can you still believe?”

Rabbi “How? With a great deal of difficulty, and maybe the sechel4 to know that God isn’t the architect of man’s inhumanity to man, but I suppose it just comes down to blind faith, to believe when everything around you tells you not to, to trust that there is some grand purpose when all your eyes and mind see is pain, terror, anger, and yes, even pure hatred.”

He has such a brain, even in all his pain he is thirsting for knowledge, for explanations and what do I have to offer him but trite sayings, crumbs that couldn’t feed a sparrow let alone an aching heart.

Why haven’t you come down and eased our burdens? How am I supposed to teach people your words when all we have is a collection of stories and the only true words we have from you were written in stone thousands of years ago, he is right, why haven’t you come and helped us?

Why have you stood by while your own temple was destroyed, not once but twice so that now only a wall remains? Why do you let all those who are your children suffer so much when all they want is your love?

4 Jewish for common sense

Robbie “You really buy that?”

Rabbi “Buy that? Oh, yes I suppose I do Robbie, but it is easy for me to say all that, it is another matter all together in practising it, and I must admit, there have been times when it has been almost impossible, maybe that is why I became a Rabbi even, to try to prove to myself that which is impossible to prove, maybe that is where Joshua gets his own stubbornness from.”

As much as I would like not to, yes I do believe in that because not to believe would make too much of a mockery of too many deaths, would make too many lives meaningless when they sacrificed everything for him, and as much as I hate the pain and the senseless suffering, I do believe.

Robbie “Such as?”

He really does feel my pain, how can he feel my pain? This is an illusion, they had to have fed me some drugs, there is no way he can be feeling what I am feeling but yet, I see it in his eyes and I can feel it inside of me, I can feel him reaching for me and yet he is just holding my arm, but I do feel it, don’t I?

Rabbi “Such as? Well, such as right now for instance, I am angry that someone so young should be in such pain as you and I wonder why, I wonder how could God, the father of us all have let you suffer so much that you wanted to leave his garden here to join him. I wonder how blind could I have been to the needs of my own son that I was afraid to have him and his special friend visit the house, and I am angry at God for not giving me the words to say to comfort him, or to even comfort you, so yes it is hard to believe, and yet, looking at you, watching my Joshua walk around the house, worried and upset, I still feel his presence inside, I still seem to know that he is with me, even now in my anger with him, …you must think I am a silly old man, I am sorry…”

Robbie “No, I just, I mean, you are angry at God but not me? How can, I mean, how can you be angry with him and yet still believe in him?”

Rabbi “I don’t know how, I just know that in my heart he is there, that when I get off my high horse he will comfort me with his love so that I may reach out and maybe help my son, help you, and that no matter the outcome, he will still love me. I can’t explain it, I doubt if anyone really can, it is just something I know, just as I know the sun will rise tomorrow in the East, whether I am here to see it or not.”

Robbie “I wish I had that faith, hell I wish I just believed in something other than, it is, I mean, damn, I just don’t know.”

It all seems so easy to others, why has it never been easy for me? Even my mother has that faith, and yet I can’t, or is it that I won’t?

Rabbi “Faith isn’t easy Robbie, but then nothing that is truly worth having is ever really easy, it is work and hard work at that, and it requires a great deal of inner strength, but if you truly want faith, then look to your heart, you might be surprised what you will find lying there for you.”

He felt nervous suddenly, not from being with the Rabbi but from what effect he was having on him. For a time he really wanted to just shut his mind off and let his heart talk and guide him and yet he was too scared of what he might find there. Robbie was also afraid that he would tell the Rabbi the truth, and he knew, he could never do that, never reveal that to anyone.

It was fine to talk about faith and truth, and that God loved everyone but how could anyone love someone that was such a failure, such a disappointment to everyone? No, the words were nice but they were just words, or were they? The Rabbi was here, wasn’t he, and Josh did ask him to come, so was it just words?

Rabbi Goldberg could feel the struggle going on inside of the young man. He waited, knowing that it wouldn’t just happen in an instance, that years had gone into terrorizing Robbie into becoming what he was feeling now. He didn’t understand why God could let such atrocities happen, but he did, and he had to have faith that God knew what he was doing, because he, Abner Goldberg didn’t know.

Looking at the Rabbi’s face he thought of what he would do or say if he knew all the truth? Would he still have his faith that God loved everyone or would he find out what he had, that God was just a myth at best, an evil tyrant at worse? Could he handle learning what God’s children did to their own children or would it end in just more words that had no meaning?

Sitting there with Robbie, the Rabbi wondered if this was what his father referred to as his moment of faith? His father had not embraced the faith and he grew up in a house where God was not a pleasant topic. His parents had immigrated to Canada in 1946, from a refugee camp in Austria, survivors of man’s ultimate evil. The numbers on his mother’s arm and the one on his father’s were testament to that and yet both of them had an abundance of love and love of life that surprised him, still did even now.

Still, he had the memories of his mother suddenly stopping and a look of pure terror cross her face as someone spoke in German, or she had seen some reflection that triggered a memory. He couldn’t understand how at times his mother would just suddenly weep for no apparent reason and yet there had to be something, but he never knew what it was.

He could still see his Father, the way he would get so angry when speaking about God or the Jewish faith. The sight of his father standing out in the back yard after the death of his older brother, his father drenched from the rain that poured from the heavens and yet he stood there, his eyes blazing with hatred and anger upwards, his fist upraised shaking at the sky above and his head upraised, casting a look of disdain and unabashed anger, all of that crossed his mind as he sat there, feeling that same anger that his father had and his heart stuttered, but it never stopped believing, never stopped pushing against that pain and once more he heard his soul silently praying to God, silently reaching out for HIS strength.

Robbie “I don’t know if I have that kind of strength, I just don’t know.”

Rabbi “You do but I think that, well that maybe right now you just need a little help in finding it, but it is there Robbie, maybe it is buried deep, but you don’t have to look for it by yourself.”

You are just a boy, how are you supposed to know all this and yet we assume youth has an abundance of strength, of will, when really they are so fragile. We rush to give them tools, but we forget to teach them that the most important tool of all is their faith, faith in life, in God, in themselves.

Robbie “You do? I don’t know, and what if I do look and I can’t find it, what then?”

Rabbi “Then we look deeper, but it is there.”

Robbie “You are so sure it is, and yet I don’t even know.”

Rabbi “Then let me or Joshua, or both of us help you find it.”

Robbie “I want to… I am just so scared, I mean, how can you or Josh, or why even, and what if, I mean…”

I wish it were that easy, you don’t know how much I just want to crawl into your arms now and cry, to let you hold me and tell me it is all okay but I know better, I learned that a long time ago Rabbi, and what if I do as you say? What happens when it all comes out? Will you and Josh still greet me with open arms? I’d rather feel this way now then how I would feel if what you are offering was taken away, and once you know, well you wouldn’t want to be in the same room as me let alone help me.

Rabbi “Do you truly love Joshua?”

Robbie “Huh? Yes, Yes I do!”

Rabbi “Then don’t be scared, he will stand with you.“

Robbie “What if it isn’t enough?”

Rabbi “It is!”

Robbie “You sound so sure…”

Rabbi “I am, if you love my son as I love his mother… then I know you can do this, and from what I have seen, you do.”

Adele is right, they are just children and yet there is a sort of, well almost defiance the way his lower lip trembles when he proclaims his love for Joshua, no different than how Joshua is, mein gotte, they act as I did 35 years ago when I pursued Adele. She is right, with love there will always be a way.

Robbie could feel the strange warmth that was surrounding him grow warmer and his body no longer trembled every few seconds. There was a calm growing inside of him, deep down in his soul and yet all his problems were still there, his reasons were still locked in the dark recesses of his mind and yet, for some reason he felt like he was no longer alone, no longer left to decide all that needed to be decided by himself. It was like a seed was slowly opening up, slowly beginning to grow and he hadn’t even watered it, but it was growing, he could feel it as the Rabbi’s hand seemed to still not just his pain, but to hold back his fears too.

Orderly “Well you two must be having a good time!”

The orderly’s voice surprised them both and together they sort of jumped at the sound of his words in the quiet of the garden. They hadn’t even heard him approach or even the buzz of the locked door that let him enter the garden. His quiet voice awoke a sense of panic in Robbie and he found himself clutching at the Rabbi’s arm, desperation in his eyes.

Robbie “I don’t want to go back there, I want to get out of here, please Rabbi…”

Rabbi “I know son, I know, but they will be letting you out soon, they just need to be certain you won’t try to hurt yourself again. I think what, they hold you for 72 hours? Isn’t that right Bradley?”

Orderly “Uh, well normally yes Rabbi, but uh sometimes the family can intercede.”

Robbie “Oh shit, no… they are going to lock me up aren’t they? My family isn’t going to let me get out of here, are they?”

Panic tore at his heart and the brief glimmer of hope was slipping away from his grasp as he saw the orderly’s expression. He knew his parents, his father would rather see him dead but that hadn’t happened so he would do the next best thing and have him locked up. For a few seconds he actually believed that there was a chance, that maybe there really was a God and that he wasn’t alone in the world. All of that was dashed now, and he should have known, this was how it was supposed to be.

Rabbi “Now Robbie, you don’t know that, I am sure your parents are reasonable people, they’ll listen and understand, you…”

Robbie “No Rabbi, you don’t know them, my Father, he… no he will lock me up, I am his biggest disappoint, he will…”

Rabbi “Well calm down, look why don’t I go and talk to them? Maybe if I explain things to them, maybe they’ll listen, how about that?”

Robbie “No, no don’t, you won’t, my Father isn’t exactly what uh, you would call open minded, he won’t listen to you Rabbi… it doesn’t matter I guess, I knew it was all too good to last, thanks though, at least you tried.”

He couldn’t explain it, not for a million dollars could he but he just knew that he could have done nothing less. Abner reached out and pulled the young man into his body and wrapped his arms around the trembling figure that had suddenly shrunk before his eyes. He clutched him tightly to his chest, feeling his trembling heart inside and he could feel his own chest heaving while the young orderly simply looked on.

His eyes grew moist as he clung to the young boy and the pain welled up inside of him, all the hurt and anger came rushing into his own body and he felt his heart skip a beat, then another beat and then suddenly it was like it had suddenly caught fire. The roar of his heart was deafening to his ears and he shuddered a little as his mind reared back at the sudden fury and force of his heart. His soul cried out and he could hear his own voice whispering softly, telling the trembling boy that he would be okay, that he would see that he was out soon and back with Joshua, no matter what it took.

Robbie couldn’t believe the immense wave of love and warmth that suddenly washed into his body as the Rabbi clutched at him and drew him into his body. His arms went numb and his legs quivered as he felt the strange power come flooding into him, chasing away the darkness that was enclosing his heart and he could feel it now, the way it was suddenly beating with a renewed purpose. His mind was blank, stunned into full retreat from the warmth and power of the unknown wave that roared through his whole body.

Rabbi “Emmas ha’torah, I will not desert you Robbie!”

Robbie “Emmas?”

Rabbi “ ‘ON GOD’S OWN WORDS, I SWEAR’, sorry, but you will learn, we shall see to that, now come, let us go up to your room and I will come to see you tomorrow.”

Robbie “You will?”

Rabbi “Yes, right Bradley? I can visit him tomorrow?”

Orderly “Sure, uh, you want him on your list Robbie?”

Robbie “Huh? My list? Yes, yeah I do, can I do that?”

Orderly “Yep, no one but the doctor can change your own list of visitors, and even then, well, he has to have a reason.”

The rabbi stared at Bradley and he looked right into his eyes and he saw the compassion that was there. For whatever reason, Bradley seemed to be a willing ally and that made the Rabbi smile.

Rabbi “See Robbie?”

Robbie “See what?”

Rabbi “There is always a way, I will call your parents, I am not so easily put off young man, after all, you are mishboocha.5”

Robbie “Mish who?”

Orderly “Family… isn’t that right Rabbi?”

5 Jewish for family

Rabbi “Yes, it is, how did you know?”

Orderly “Haha, I used to date a Jewish girl, her father used that word a few times.”

Robbie “Family? It really means that?”

Rabbi “Yes, now come, let’s not get Bradley here in trouble; besides, Josh will be having kittens by now I think, haha.”

Robbie “Rabbi, uh, will you, I mean would you…”

Rabbi “Yes, I will give him your love, and Robbie, I will be back tomorrow, no matter what, I have never in my life broken my word to God, understand?”

Robbie “Yes but, well, I mean I know you mean it but, well, you…”

Rabbi “I will be here!”

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