I thought it would hurt more, but it really is kind, well, numb I guess.

Yeah I know what you mean, but it did hurt at the start.

No fucking kidding, I almost thought I couldn’t do it.

It was hard wasn’t it?

Uh huh, but now, I don’t know, other than a bit cold, not really that bad, no pain now, is there?

Nah, not really, it is cold though, maybe we should have wrapped a blanket around first.

Yeah maybe, would have ruined it though, shit look at this place, think I should clean it up some, wow I didn’t think it would be this bad.

Sure is a lot, that’s for sure, guess we could, kind of rotten to leave all this for someone else to clean.

Suppose, it really isn’t that bad, the feeling I mean, kind of sleepy like, you know just when you first wake up.

Sort of, but there is no waking up, remember?

Okay, okay, so I cried out his name, it was a slip of the tongue, besides, it fucking hurt, what did you expect me to do? Cry out for dad?

No, but shit man, Josh was something special, I just don’t feel right leaving him like this, and you don’t either so don’t deny it.

I guess, do you think there will be that white light or something? Everyone always says there is a light but I haven’t seen one yet.

Don’t know, maybe, but it is a bit early yet, maybe it only comes right at the end?

Maybe, really should clean this up though, poor Josh, I think him I will miss.

Miss? I should think so, he really was cute, wasn’t he?

Cute? Shit, he’s super hot, I never really noticed it, but you know, when we’d go for walks, the way some of them flamer’s would turn to stare at him, he did have a cute butt.

Yeah and his dick wasn’t bad either, so we cleaning this up or what?

I don’t know, should but it is so comfortable sitting here, I mean maybe later, right now I think I’ll just sit.

Later? Yeah sure why not, not like we are going anywhere are we?

No, guess not, you think anyone will remember us in a year from now?

Josh might, mom will, but I don’t know, guess not really, not like they remember us now do they?

Justin does, sort of…

Come on, who you kidding, he was spitting fire last time we talked to him, he’s gone man, don’t you get that? The old man won, we lost.

He always wins, fuck, why does he always have to win? Why couldn’t we win this one? Why?

Hey, don’t ask me, ask the man when you see him, he’s the one with the answers.

Sure he is, all the wrong fucking answers, well at least I showed the old man, he won’t be getting Justin.

Like hell he won’t, this isn’t going to stop him, shit it will only make him go for it now, least before he knew what you would do if he did, once you are gone, what’s to stop him?

I took care of that, no way can he now, you know that, we went through all this already.

So, you got somewhere to rush off to? We can go thru it again, can’t we?

I don’t want to, it is over, the pain is gone, at least it is going, will be gone as soon as all this is over.

Yeah I guess, I don’t know though, I am going to miss Josh, aren’t you?

Fuck yeah, but he’ll get over it, shit we haven’t been together that long.

True, but then why did you cry out his name each time you, well you know, each time?

I didn’t, you are imagining shit.

Oh right, I know what I heard bud, you can’t bullshit me, you know that by now.

Whatever.

Whatever? Yeah like it was my imagination when Josh kept coming back only when you popped out of the kitchen?

It was my imagination when he would never get into line until he saw you starting to serve?

I won’t, but what else can we do? I tried everything else, and besides, I couldn’t stand the pain anymore, okay? I just want out, this is the only way.

Maybe, but shit, the pain was getting a bit less, least when Josh was lying next to us, maybe if we just gave him a chance?

Oh yeah right, do you really believe that he would stick around if he knew the truth? No fucking way, no matter how nice he is he wouldn’t stick, they never do.

They? They? Shit get real, ‘they’ were just one nighters, Josh, he was a keeper.

Maybe, I don’t know, doesn’t matter anyhow, there was just too much, and he was going for Justin, I had to do this, it’s the only way they will listen.

Oh right, and what if you forgot to put something down or they need something made clearer? How you going to be able to answer them then?

It is the only way they would listen, don’t you get it? If I stuck around, they wouldn’t even do anything, at least this way they have to.

Why? Cause you said so? No way, they’ll just chalk it up like they did the other times to you being pissed at him for throwing us out.

Why shouldn’t I be pissed for being tossed out? I was doing what he wanted; he didn’t have to throw me out.

Sure he did knucklehead, you told him to leave Justin out of it, you were a threat, he had to get rid of you so he could work on Justin and you played right into his hands, now he’s probably off with him now.

DON’T FUCKING SAY THAT!

You know it is true, you know it and yet we are sitting here waiting for some damn light, we should be out there, beating on his damn door at least, why couldn’t you see that?

Like you saw it? Why the fuck didn’t you do something about it?

I did, you just didn’t want to listen, all you wanted to do was cry and say how much it hurt inside, how the memories of him made you feel dirty, that’s why.

You are a fucking asshole, you know that? Of course it hurts, it hurts even now to think about those times, about his big hands touching me, his cock being forced into my mouth or up my ass, yeah it fucking hurts, why shouldn’t I feel like that?

And this is making it all better?

How the hell does this make it any better? Justin is still at risk; you know that and what about Josh? Think he’s going to be thrilled to come home to this shit?

Oh right, bring Josh into this, it isn’t his problem, besides he has a family, they’ll make sure he is okay, so leave him out of this.

Why? He’s a part of it, he’s the one who is going to have to do your dirty work for you? Why should I leave him out? Besides, I really liked him, I mean really liked him and not just cause he could suck my dick like no one else, but it was nice to curl up into his body at night, and you know that, you can’t deny that, I dare you to even try!

Fine, I won’t deny that, yeah it was more than how good he sucked my cock, so what? Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Who said anything about it making you feel any better? You said this would do that, so does it? Does it make you feel better knowing that Josh is the one who is going to have to live with this for who knows how long?

No, no it doesn’t make me feel any better knowing Josh is going to be hurt.

What the fuck did you expect me do? Go for keeping Josh happy or saving Justin?

Oh the big martyr, like this is going to save Justin, it is a fucking cop out and you know it, you are mad cause the old man has grown tired of you and wants someone younger, that is all this is about.

FUCK OFF BASTARD!

THAT ISN”T TRUE AND YOU KNOW It!

Do I? How do I know that, huh?

Gimme a break, you were bawling like a baby when the old man told you he wasn’t interested in hearing about what or who you had done, that you were old enough to keep that shit to yourself, so cry me a fucking river, that’s what this is about, you want to punish him, and I got a news flash for you bub, he don’t give a shit, he never did and he never will, alive or dead, he don’t give a shit!

That isn’t true, he did care, he does, just in his own way, but he is wrong, he shouldn’t, fuck you are confusing me, this isn’t supposed to be like this, I just want to rest and let it all go.

Yeah? Then why the hell are we arguing about it if all you want to do is roll over and die?

Can’t you shut up, even for a few seconds?

We only have a few seconds left, maybe, don’t you think it is time you were honest with yourself?

What am I supposed to be honest about? Huh? Come on, you got all the answers, you tell me, what is it that I am supposed to be honest about?

That I let my old man suck my dick and fuck my ass until 6 months ago?

That I actually got off on having him touch me? That it was a treat to feel his big dick in me and his ham hands around my waist as he pushed his 8-½ inch cock in?

Is that what I am supposed to be honest about?

For starters, yeah it is.

God you are impossible, you really are, and I hope you won’t be around after this is all over!

Don’t know, your guess is as good as mine on that one, but you know damn well you would miss me, just as I miss you.

You miss me? Fuck I am here, you are talking crazy again.

On and off you are, but you know what I mean, you never used to let this shit get to you like the last year has, you have closed yourself off to even me, and that is no easy trick, so why not be honest, this could be your last chance.

There isn’t anything to say, you been there through it all, I just got tired of it all. I guess I just had enough and this last year, well, you know how confused I had been, about the girls and then the boys, that was all.

Oh yeah right, you expect me to buy that?

Christ you always had a thing for guys, you know that, but you did what he expected, it was to please him, so don’t give me the old ‘I am confused’ speech, heard it and didn’t buy it then, don’t buy it now.

Man, you are such a smart prick, fine then, so I always liked dick instead of pussy, there, I admit it, happy now?

No, what has made you lose it all? Damn it, we had such plans and sure things were rough, but we got thru those times before, why all this? Why now?

Shit, we found Josh didn’t we? Why wasn’t that enough, what is it that made you do this now?

I don’t know, maybe it is cause we did find Josh. He is so much of what I have always wanted; I mean can you believe his smile? The way those two front teeth just sort of glint at you, fuck he is hot; I am going to miss him. Not you, but him I will miss.

Thanks a lot, such a comfort you are in my final moments.

Well if you are going to miss Josh, why the fuck are you doing this to him? Shit man, can’t you just try to hold on and work through this?

NO! No, I can’t, not anymore, besides, it is too late, it is done and there is nothing left to do but wait, but shit, it does take a long time doesn’t it?

Seems to be, wonder how long we have been sitting here?

I still wish you would explain it to me, I mean it is the least you can do for me, and after all, I was there when you were born, kind of like to know the whole truth before, well before who knows what happens.

You think part of us goes one place and the other elsewhere? That would be so weird, I don’t want to be separated from you, I kind of got used to you, even if you do snore at night.

I don’t know, mom says we all go to heaven if we repent first, but what am I supposed to repent?

Besides, he says it doesn’t matter, only Catholics go to heaven so I guess we are safe there, but still, would be nice to know beforehand, but where ever we go, I think we go together, and well, yeah I would hate to go without you, guess I am sort of used to you too, and I don’t snore, you do, not me.

Sure, blame it on me, you really think that? That only Catholics go to heaven?

Guess there is only so much room up there, but geez, what about all the others? Don’t they have a place to go to?

What are you going to say if you see Jesus?

I don’t know, never thought about that, doubt if I will see him or God, I mean, they won’t exactly be happy about me being there, plus being gay? Shit, talk about a real curse, besides, I haven’t repented, so who knows where I am going to wind up, Hell most likely.

Think so? I don’t know, I mean I really can’t buy all that, God isn’t mean, and maybe none of this really matters to him? I mean, maybe he doesn’t mind if we are gay or get so confused that we do stupid things?

That’s what I want to believe, I think he is a nice person, maybe he’ll be sad because of all this, but I don’t think he’ll send us to Hell, do you really think he would?

How the hell do I know? Shit, I have enough to think about, and who cares anyway, it’s done now so no sense worrying about it.

You could change your mind; maybe we could wrap something around and go call someone?

It doesn’t have to be over, we can still try, and I’ll help more if you will let me. Maybe we can try again?

Thanks, I guess I have been an asshole to you lately, it is just, shit I don’t know anymore, and everything is so confusing.

What did I do to him to make him hate me? I did everything he asked, I went out with the cheer leaders, I fucked them, I told him everything he wanted to know, I even showed him what I did when he wanted me to, it wasn’t easy taking his dick at first, you know that, so why does he hate me so much?

Why does it have to be your fault?

He was the one who did all those things, not you; you were only what, 13 or so when he so conveniently showed you how to get an erection and what to do once you got one? How the fuck is that supposed to be your fault?

It is, cause, well I liked that feeling, I enjoyed it when he would sit on the edge of my bed, telling me how important it was, how it was necessary to do things right and how it would help me later on, that’s why, I just fucking liked it.

Christ, but you were 13, how the fuck are you supposed to know what you like or don’t?

Shit man, he played you, and it isn’t your fault.

Yeah? That isn’t what the lawyer said, now is it? You heard him, how they would want to know why I didn’t go tell mom or a teacher, you know how he said they would make it look like I was saying that stuff because I am gay and because he threw me out, so yeah, its my fault, but at least this way, this way they’ll have to listen, and maybe this time they can put him away or stop him before he hurts Justin.

Fuck the damn lawyer and fuck what others might say, what he did wasn’t right and you shouldn’t think it is your fault.

God, you are so stubborn, and there is no guarantee that this will stop him, shit it makes it easier for him, no matter what you wrote and mailed, it isn’t going to stop him.

Yes, it will, it has to, I am not sitting here freezing for nothing.

No one will know, no one, and there isn’t anything you can do about it, unless you stop this now, before it is too late.

It is too late, I can’t feel anything anymore, not even the cold, and the room, it is sort of dark, but that could be from the candle getting low.

Sure, you can, if you really want to, do you?

Maybe, I don’t know, no… I don’t, I have to go through with this, at least I can do this one thing, I know it isn’t much but it will work, you will see.

How? How will we see? Jesus don’t you get it, when this is over we will be dead, how are we going to see it work out, and worse, how are we going to do anything about it if it doesn’t work out? Did you think of that?

It has to work out, the lawyer said…

The lawyer? Fuck you are crazy, he said nothing about how it would be taken if you offed yourself, only that if you died it would ‘carry added weight’ but not that it was a slam dunk, shit I knew you watched too much damn television.

He did say that, didn’t he? Christ I am such an idiot, I can’t even do this right, fuck, what do I do now?

Oh great, now you realize it? Shit, I don’t know, can we grab some towels maybe? How the fuck do I know what to do? You are the one who watched all those medical shows, you tell me what to do.

I don’t know, stop beating so fast? Maybe Josh, damn I don’t know, do you really think it won’t work?

Don’t beat so fast? Like I got a choice in this? Shit, I don’t know, all I know is that if you aren’t here, you can’t answer the questions, and lawyers and judges, they always have questions.

I can’t move my arms, I can see them and they look so white, well somewhat white, funny, I thought I could feel something but I can’t. Everything feels so numb, I want to make them move but they won’t listen to me, figures doesn’t it? Like anyone really ever listened to me.

I listened to you, Josh listened to you when you gave him a chance, what more do you want?

More? I guess maybe I just wanted God to listen to me.

God? But he has listened to you, why do you think it was so hard at first? Why do you think you started to cry out for Josh at the beginning? He was listening but you were the one who wasn’t listening. I was yelling, didn’t you hear me?

Yeah, but…

But what? Can’t you move at all? You could try harder and maybe then they’ll listen, maybe then we won’t have to be separated. I don’t want to be away from you, can’t you try harder?

I am trying, I don’t want to die, I am trying, help me, help me, I don’t want to lose you either, I need you too.

I am trying, it is hard though; you haven’t left me much to work with, why do you have to be so stubborn? Oh, God I am trying, I need help; I can’t do this alone.

Fuck, he’s home early, what do I do now?

Do? Don’t you see, he’s the answer, we don’t have to do this, shit you didn’t lock the damn door did you?

No, no I didn’t, should I call out? Maybe I should call out, tell him to get help…

That would be a good start, can you? I mean…

I am trying, can’t you hear me? I am trying, but nothing is coming out, oh shit, this close and I can’t call to him, fuck, what do I do now?

I don’t want to die, I really don’t, oh God, what do I do?

Now you tell me that? Shit, pray then. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up, I am so exhausted, why couldn’t you have listened, damn, I will try, come on, you have to keep trying too, I can’t do this on my own, keep trying, keep calling.

I am, damn it I am, I know I am an idiot, I always have been but Josh will, shit, he’s going to freak, what if he doesn’t know what to do? He’s going to see all this and freak and then what?

Stop that crap, you know he is cool, he’ll do the right thing, trust in him for Christ’s sake and stop whin(ny-omit)ing, I can’t do all this alone, come on, concentrate, help me until Josh gets us help.

He really cares, oh shit he cares so much, why didn’t I see that before now? Why?

He always has but you have been so wrapped up in the old man, you have to let go, you can’t hold on to that shit, not now.

I don’t know what to do, he is crying for me, can you see the tears in his eyes, they are falling faster than I am bleeding, Christ, do you feel that? It is hurting again; it isn’t supposed to hurt this long after is it?

Yeah he is crying, I told you he really cared about you, you wouldn’t listen, you said it was cause the sex was good, now you see, it wasn’t the sex, it was you he cared about.

It shouldn’t, unless, maybe he’s in time? Shit, hang on, we might just make it out of this one, but you have to hang on, come on, I can’t do this alone, we need your help.

I am trying, I really am, I don’t want to make him cry, I really don’t, he is so sweet, look at him, even now the way he’s got the belt, fuck they are tight, they hurt.

It is feeling better, I am so tired but it is easier a bit, I don’t know, he loves you, I keep telling you that, so come on, try for him, try so he won’t cry anymore, you can do it if you really want to, come on!

I am, I really am.

Harder, try harder.

Okay, okay I am trying harder, it is so weird, everything hurts so much, my back is sore, why is my back sore? And my legs too, they are hurting as if I am sitting on pins and needles, how does that work?

Shut up and just think about Josh holding you, look, see how he is touching your face, see that? Can’t you feel that love, oh God I feel so much better, we are going to make it, I know it, I can feel it now, his hand, it feels so warm, so much warmth there, why couldn’t you feel it before now? Damn you, he is so much in love, we need his love, come on get off your fucking ass and try, try harder and if that isn’t enough, then fucking try even harder, feel his hand, can you feel it? I can feel it, oh God it is so good, come on bub, we ain’t cashing in yet!

I am, oh shit, it does feel so warm, and he’s pulling at me, can you feel the strength in his hands? Oh Shit, I want to hold him, I really do, oh God help me, I don’t want to die, I don’t.

THEN FUCKING TRY HARDER!

I am, but it is too late, can’t you see it? Look at all that blood, oh, shit it is too late, I fucked it up again, oh God, why can’t I do one thing right? Why couldn’t I have just ended this sooner, why do I have to see him in such pain?

Fuck off and stop your whining, we aren’t licked yet and I can still kick, come on you have to help, whining isn’t helping and he isn’t whining is he? Look at him, look at how he is touching your face, can’t you feel that? Oh shit, come on, you have to hold on, come on, I can’t do this alone, help me, if you want him, help me NOW!

Yes, yes I do want him, oh shit yes, okay I am helping, I am trying, I really am.

Keep trying, look, there, see the other’s are in the room, we have done it, see that?

I told you, I told you he wouldn’t leave you, didn’t I?

Yes, yes, you did, and you were right, but why did he stay? Why?

He loves us, that’s why, he isn’t like the old man, he is different, he really does love us, can’t you feel it even though he’s by the door? I can feel it, and you should too, can you?

I can, it feels so warm now, like he’s wrapped all around me and keeping me warm, I never felt that before, why didn’t I feel it before?

You did, you just didn’t want to know it, oh I am so exhausted, you really do wear me out; we are really going to have to talk about this later, right now I got other things to deal with, but yeah, it does feel nice to be loved, doesn’t it?