Chapter 1

The sound of the ambulance siren grew louder and Josh breathed a sigh of relief. The worse was maybe still to come but at least help was coming and he stared down at his friend, the lifeless body twitching a little and the pool of blood only growing, despite the rough tourniquets that he had applied to both arms. As the siren grew deafening, Josh prayed silently for his friend, and he stuttered a little as he struggled to remember any prayers of his childhood; yet all he could come up with was an ancient prayer that maybe didn’t apply, but somehow, he didn’t think God would mind.

‘Sh’ma yis-ro-ayl, A-do-noy e-lo-hay-nu, A-do-noy e-hod’1, was all he could think of and he repeated it over and over again, as deep inside of his heart he begged the God of his father to reach down and help him. He pleaded with him, urging him not to judge Robbie too hard, and as the paramedics entered the room, he stood back, unsure of what to do.

^{Paramedic #1} “How long has he been unconscious?”

Shit, look at all this damn blood, thank God these are new pants, wish the kid had wiped some of it up, hate it when there is blood all over.

^Josh “Huh? I don’t know, I came back early, not long, I don’t know.”

Shit fuck off with the 20 questions and just help him already, damn he’s lost so much blood, why aren’t they pouring some in? What’s with the bag of clear stuff? God I hope they know what they are doing.

^{Paramedic #2} “You a friend or what?”

Wonder what the story is on this one? Kid doesn’t look like a junkie but you sure as hell can’t count on that one, where the fuck are the cops? They should have been here by now.

^Josh “Huh? Friends, we share this place, he uh, only moved in a few weeks ago; is he going to, I mean, will he…”

What fucking difference does that make? Just fucking look after him, God he looks so friggin pale, oh God he has to be okay, I mean why did he do this? Damn you Robbie, why did you do this? Couldn’t you have talked to me or someone else about whatever was bugging you? God, look at all that blood on the floor, how much blood does a person have?

1 Means “Hear, oh Israel, the Lord our God, The Lord is one.”

^{Paramedic #1} “Too early to tell, did he take any drugs?”

Not a bad looking kid, looks so peaceful doesn’t he? But at least his heart is beating and his pulse seems to be okay, wonder if he’s taking anything? Sure doesn’t look like a junkie.

^Josh “No, I don’t know, I don’t think so, he doesn’t do drugs, least, I don’t think he does.”

Fuck if I know, I should fucking know though, after all we are supposed to be boyfriends, how the fuck can he do this to me? Shit, are they going to call his parents? What do I say to them? Hell I don’t even know much about them, shit, damn you Robbie, this isn’t right, what the fuck was bugging you? Why couldn’t you talk to me about it? Am I that much of a dickhead?

^{Paramedic #1} “Okay, well we’ll need more details, how old is he? 19? 20?”

Christ, they get younger every time, damn it is so fucking a waste, what could be so damn terrible that a kid like this would want to die? Don’t they understand, death is final?

^Josh “19 I think, I don’t know, can’t this wait, why aren’t you taking him to the hospital? He isn’t, I mean…”

Fuck off with the questions, damn it why aren’t you rushing him to the hospital? What is with this clear shit, he should be getting blood, shouldn’t he? Why don’t they carry any blood with them? Never mind his fucking age, just help him to see his next birthday for Christ’s sake.

^{Paramedic #1} “No, he isn’t, it’s close but I think we got here in time, those tourniquets… You do them?”

Well he looks stable enough now; kid did good on those tourniquets, wonder where he learned how to do that? Saved this one’s life, that’s for sure, but will he appreciate it when he wakes up? Most of them don’t and it makes you wonder why bother in the first place.

^Josh “Yeah!”

Shit, watching ER actually paid off; fuck who doesn’t know how to tie off the arms? I mean I may not be Noah Wyle but I am not stupid either. Shit, can’t you stop talking and get him to the hospital?

^{Paramedic #1} “Well that most likely saved his life. Okay, uh you go wait out in the hall, the police should be here any second.”

Christ where the hell are the cops? Didn’t sound like a busy night so why aren’t they here? Hate it when the victim’s friends hang around, this is hard enough to handle without them fussing around. Shit, the guy looks like he’s ready to bawl his eyes out, guess it’s the shock setting in, damn it where are those cops?

^Josh “Police? Why the cops?”

Shit, just what I need, first I move in and then get hassled for Robbie moving in, and now cops? Man the fucking manager is going to blow a damn gasket, especially if that asshole next-door whines, which he will. Damn it Robbie, why did you do this to me? Fuck, listen to me, worrying about this shit when he could die, what kind of jerk does that make me? Damn it, I feel so lost, I really don’t know what to do, and now cops, man this is not what I bargained for in getting my own place.

^{Paramedic #1} “Attempted suicide, automatic, uh, what is your name?”

Christ what the hell do you expect when your roommie tries to off himself? Shit, kids today have no idea of the crap that we have to go through. Fuck, wonder what his story his though?

^Josh “Josh, Josh Goldberg.”

Shit, are they going to call my parents? Just what dad and mom need now, to have the cops call them about their son and his wild roommates. I can hear mom now, ‘you never know who you will meet and now look, all this tzuris2, and for what? Some idea of personal freedom?’

He was reluctant to leave but he could see that he was only in the way. The idea of police frightened him a little but shit, after coming in to find Robbie slumped over on the bathroom floor what was left to scare him? He couldn’t understand it, Robbie had seemed happy enough when he left so why the sudden change? Okay, he was a bit pissed at his family, but that shouldn’t have made him do this, or was there more to it? Fuck, he wished he knew more about Robbie, but they had only met a couple of months ago, at the University cafeteria. Shit it didn’t really seem that long ago and now the guy was being hoisted onto a gurney for a ride to the hospital; his breathing sounded better but it was hard to tell with the mask over his face.

Damn it, why did Robbie do this? It was gnawing at him and the sudden touch on his shoulder made him jump. He started to shake a little as he turned around to stare into the cold grey eyes of a tall man in uniform. He blinked as he realized that he was staring at a policeman and he could see his partner, standing to one side also just staring at him.

^{Office Provost} “You the one who called this in?”

Kid looks like he’s lost more than a friend, fuck another damn druggie I bet.

^Josh “Yes Sir, I came home early, uh, he was just… yeah I am the one who called it in.”

Do I tell him that we are lovers? What if they ask? How do I tell them we have only been together a few weeks and he decided to off himself? Shit, what are my parents going to say?

^{Office Provost} “Is he on any drugs? Been drinking at all tonight?”

Routine questions for routine work, why the hell can’t these kids ever get it right? Just what the fuck is so bad that they think suicide is the answer?

^Josh “No, he doesn’t use drugs, least not since we’ve been, uh, since I have known him; drinks a little but I don’t think he had anything tonight, least I uh, don’t, I am not sure, don’t think so.”

Christ the guy is so cold, like a bloody machine; can’t he see that I want to go with them? Why does he have to ask all this out here in the hallway? Fuck, I can see that asshole next door looking out from his door, fucking asshole; this is stupid, why can’t we just do this at the hospital?

^{Office Provost} “Okay, well we need to get some details from you, and then I guess that’ll be it for now…”

What did he mean since, shit not a fucking lover’s quarrel? God they don’t look like a couple of fruitcakes, shit, can’t tell these days anymore. Bet it was a lover’s quarrel, damn, why did we have to take this one?

^Josh “Uh, can’t this wait? I want to go with them to the hospital, I mean, I don’t want to let him go alone.”

Fuck, he can smell it, I can see it in his fucking eyes, another one of those fag things is what he’s thinking, well tough shit. Robbie is an okay guy and besides, why should it matter if he’s gay or not?

^{Office Provost} “Well, they are going to have their hands full in the ambulance. I suppose you could ride with us, you have your own car?”

^Josh “No, I don’t, okay, I just want to be there for him when he comes to, he’s…”

^{Office Provost} “Well we need to get this done, okay, I guess we can do it at the hospital, how long you and the, how long you known each other?”

Fuck, now we have to be a babysitter too, shit this job sucks at times, but have to satisfy the paper gods.

^Josh “Okay, uh where are they taking him too?”

Christ, can’t you show some feelings? Damn the other cop is just standing there, like a fucking zombie.

^{Office Provost} “Royal Jubilee for now I think, that right Tom? RJH?”

Might as well give him a lift, least that way we can get the details done quicker and get on with dealing with real crime instead of some whacked out queer.

^{Paramedic #1} “Yep, RJH first, then the doc can decide the rest.”

^Josh “The rest? What rest? What do you mean?”

^{Office Provost} “Look, uh, Josh? He tried to kill himself, the doc will need to make sure he isn’t going to try again the second he gets out, so most likely they’ll put him in EMI for a few days, that’s all, pretty routine really.”

Fuck, another waste of taxpayer money, coddle them in EMI for a few days then let them out and then we can start it all over again later, fucking waste.

2 Jewish slang for trouble

The ride to the Royal Jubilee Hospital was the most daunting ride he had ever taken. He wasn’t used to being in the back seat of a police cruiser and while the lights or sirens weren’t on, he was sure everyone could see in and wonder what crime he had committed. Strange, but it was like Robbie had done something evil, something so bad that it warranted such inhuman treatment.

He had watched as they had strapped Robbie down, tying his arms to the side of the gurney so he couldn’t move them, then they strapped his body down and then his legs, making it seem like he was under arrest or something, like a wanted criminal caught at last. Could be worse, he could have come home later and then what, Robbie would have been dead and most likely they would have hauled him away in handcuffs. Shit, what the hell did he need this crap for?

The cop wasn’t making any of this any easier either, the way he seemed to look at him when asking questions. It was as if he knew about him and Robbie, but why should that matter? Christ, you would think the damn cop would at least be sensitive to all this, and his partner sure wasn’t any better. God, he doubted if she had even said more than two words.

Josh had thought that all the questions by the paramedic first, then the cop second, were the worst but it only got worse when he got to the hospital. He was finished and exhausted but his attempt to get any information was like trying to entice a 100 year old virgin into bed. No one seemed to have any answers for him or if they did, they weren’t about to share them with him. He kept walking up to the nurse’s station and she would just smile and say, when she knew anything, he’d know. Christ, what kind of place was this?

A guy is wheeled in almost dead, they rush him away and ask you for a whole bunch of stuff, more than he thought was necessary, and then came the big one, what is your relationship to him. God he almost choked on that one, as he could see the cop looking at him, the paramedic also and what did he say? Like a coward, he mumbled friend, and he wasn’t sure if they bought it, the smirks on the cop’s face and the nurse’s seemed to say it all.

Finally, he resigned himself to sitting in the small waiting room of the Emergency area. He watched as other ambulances came and went, patients running in with all sorts of problems and even the occasional policeman with a suspect or victim. Nothing too strenuous but still no one came to call him; no one came to tell him if Robbie was even still alive. He just sat there, alone with his thoughts.

Leaning against the hard back of the waiting room bench, he started to drift off into a hazy semi-awake state. He hadn’t slept for some time and the clock showed it was already 2am and he figured they were going to make him wait as long as possible. Josh couldn’t figure it out, why the attitude was so cold, almost like it was hostile and yet wasn’t it their job to provide aid and comfort to those in pain? Did it really matter if the person had inflicted their injuries to themselves or not? Why was everything so damn complicated when all that Robbie really wanted was to be loved? Could that be it?

Maybe he hadn’t shown Robbie how much he cared for him, which is why he tried this shit? Could that be the cause of it all? Damn, he thought they were doing okay, sure it was different but he never really had a boyfriend before so maybe he was making mistakes; but according to Robbie, he was his first boyfriend too, so why couldn’t he just tell him what had been bugging him?

As he sat there, Josh thought back to that first encounter, almost two month ago at the Uvic student cafeteria. He was there to sign up for fall classes and was new to the city. His father had finally convinced him to move down from Toronto and it was hectic. He was entering his second year, going for his BA before branching off into law. Well that was the plan then, still was sort of, but he wasn’t all that convinced that was his ideal job. Maybe he would go for education or even medicine, but then he had time, he had just turned 19 so he had time to decide.

He remembered how he had entered the cafeteria, and there, right behind the main course serving area he had spotted Robbie. The guy stood 6 feet and he doubted if there was any fat on his body. He looked so svelte, dressed in white with his hair tied back and under one of those cheap food service hair nets. The thing that attracted him was the haunting look in his eyes as he served the few people in front. His eyes had a sparkle to them, like they were daring anyone to try to reach inside, to try to see just who he was. It had made his own heart skip a beat or two as he wondered even then what was on Robbie’s mind.

There was an air of mystery about the tall short order cook, the way he just seemed to have a thin smile almost happening, but was keeping it back, refusing to let even that part of him show. He had never felt so intrigued as he did that first instance and he had never eaten so much damn food either. It was like he wanted to say something but was afraid, which he was. The eyes kept him coming back though, and the hint of a smile also made him ache in ways he had never really felt before but it was the eyes that did it to him the most.

It was about the third time that he had gone there, the third time he had waited until Robbie had come out from the kitchen to help serve that he managed to get his first words in. Actually, it was Robbie who had spoken to him first, and he could recall it all like it was only yesterday.

^Robbie “You must be new here, are you?”

^Josh “Yeah, does it uh, does it show that much?”

^Robbie “Nah, not really, I just like to pick up on those things.”

^Josh “Yeah? Okay, I guess, uh, I am Josh…”

^Robbie “Yeah? Robbie, so what are you taking that has you here three days in a row? Sure as hell isn’t my cooking, or is it?”

^Josh “Well, sort of I guess, uh just registering for the fall, that’s all, plus its an excuse to get out of the house, we uh, I just moved here.”

^Robbie “We?”

^Josh “Uh, my family moved here awhile back; I just moved here, wasn’t sure if I wanted to join them, uh, you from here?”

^Robbie “Yeah, born and raised in this hell hole!”

^Josh “Oh? Doesn’t seem that bad of a place, kind of like it, uh, least what I have seen.”

^Robbie “Oh its not bad I guess, I get kind of pissed at it at times, rather be out on the beach or off camping at Salt Spring, sorry, uh, so what is it today?”

^Josh “Huh? Oh, uh, I’ll have some of that, meatloaf?”

^Robbie “Haha, well that’s what it is supposed to be, uh, you should maybe try the mac ‘n cheese instead, least I know what is in that!”

^Josh “Geez, okay I’ll have that then.”

Christ he could still hear it all, and yet he never got tired of staring at Robbie through the whole conversation. It was like maybe they had been talking in code because he had gone to sit down, wondering how he could ask Robbie out for coffee when Robbie simply showed up at his table and sat down with two mugs of steaming coffee.

^Robbie “Thought you might need something to wash that down with, do you mind?”

^Josh “Huh? Shit no, please, uh thanks.”

^Robbie “No sweat, so you moved here from TO? Why the hell would anyone want to move here from Toronto?”

^Josh “Dad got a job here, so uh, you a student here too? Maybe we’ll be in some of the same classes?”

^Robbie “No, I just work in the kitchen, full time here in the summer then I alternate between here and the student union cafeteria, nights mostly there.”

^Josh “Oh, taking time off to work?”

^Robbie “Uh, no, need the money, you know, besides I am not good at all that academic shit, basketball is my thing; well it was, don’t even manage that anymore.”

^Josh “Really? Ever get to any of the NBA games in Vancouver or Seattle?”

^Robbie “Once, few years ago, the Grizzlies gave our high school team tickets, it was pretty cool, so what’s your dad do?”

^Josh “Huh? Oh, uh, well, he’s uh, he’s the new Rabbi at the synagogue here.”

^Robbie “Really? What’s that? Sort of like the parish priest or reverend?”

^Josh “Yeah, more or less.”

^Robbie “Guess that makes you Jewish huh?”

^Josh “Yeah.”

^Robbie “Cool, never really knew anyone Jewish before, think there were one or two in high school but not sure.”

^Josh “Oh, so I am your first huh?”

^Robbie “Haha, careful now, a guy could get the wrong idea!”

^Josh “Shit, I am so sorry, I didn’t…”

^Robbie “You the nervous type aren’t you? It is cool, kind of used to that actually… you?”

^Josh “You are? I mean, well I guess I can see that, sort of uh, am I what?”

^Robbie “You know, are you?”

It had been strange the way Robbie just stared at him, the cup in his two hands and his eyes staring deep into his own, just staring as if daring him to deny what he was, and he could still remember how his heart started to leap all over the place, his chest had started to hurt and he could hear himself wheezing, as he had tried to grasp for air. He had never met someone like Robbie before, the way he seemed to speak in code, and how he expected Josh to know that code too. It felt so unreal and yet from that moment on, he knew that he wanted to be with Robbie and no one else.

^Nurse “You Josh?”

^Josh “Huh? Yes, that’s me, is it about Robbie? Is he okay?”

^Nurse “I really don’t know, the Doctor though wants to talk to you, come with me please.”

The nurse had turned and was already standing at the waiting area doorway, impatient as if he was supposed to have anticipated her demands. He jumped up and trotted over to follow her thru the curtain that separated the emergency treatment area and the waiting area. He really thought it was somewhat cheap, but hell the hospital looked like it was built back in WWII, and yet it didn’t really seem like a cold place. The hallways were wide and he passed a whole bunch of beds stacked with bedpans and other assorted hospital paraphernalia.

They walked down the corridor and he saw a policeman sitting by a door and wondered who they had in there, when they just stopped almost level with the door. He recognized that the man wasn’t a policeman but hospital security. The nurse told him to wait here while she continued onwards and he stood there, nervous and tired, unsure what to do plus he could feel the eyes of the security guard resting on his back. He just stood there, fidgeting a little, jumping from foot to foot as he waited and even the guard’s eyes seemed to finally move away. Josh just stood there and waited.

Josh didn’t know which was worse, sitting in the waiting room reliving his first meeting with Robbie and not knowing how he was doing, or standing here wondering if Robbie was okay and unable to think of anything else. Either way he felt like he was in the middle of a huge spotlight, and everyone was watching him even though he couldn’t see out from the glare of the spotlight. It really was starting to wear on him when he heard some steps coming from the hallway and he waited, watching and hoping that this time, the noise would bring him someone who could give him some answers.

^Doctor. “I am Dr. Mills-Smith, you are the friend of our Mr. Fisher?”

^Josh “Yes, I am Robbie’s friend, is he okay Doctor?”

^Doctor. “Well, I suppose so, all things considered, he lost a fair amount of blood but fortunately he didn’t damage any tendons or muscles, least nothing that won’t heal, given time; however, that isn’t really the issue anymore.”

^Josh “Why not? I mean he’s going to be okay isn’t he?”

What could be more important? Why do these doctors always have to act like they are God or something, don’t they understand we are all scared when in this position? Fucking assholes act like they have a damn two by four up their Asses.

^Doctor “Yes, physically he should recover; however, I have to make a decision about his mental state and whether or not to commit him for observation.”

^Josh “I see, is he awake? Maybe he realizes his mistake, I mean, maybe you won’t have to commit him.”

^Doctor “That is rather naïve, don’t you think? No, I will be sending him to EMI in the morning, they don’t have room right now, so he’ll spend the night here under supervision, then after we discuss the situation with his parents, we’ll decide if he’ll stay longer at EMI than just for a few days. I understand he is residing with you?”

^Josh “Huh? His parents? Shit, oops, sorry, uh, I don’t think he gets along all that great with his folks, besides he’s almost 20…”

Jesus, like he needs his family to find out about this. Christ they already don’t think much of him, as it is, now this? He’s old enough that they shouldn’t have to call his parents, why can’t they stop meddling? Maybe they get a perverse kick out of ruining people.

^Doctor “Yes well he can be 50 for all I care young man, the point is a person who tries to kill himself is not exactly stable enough to decide his course of treatment, now, just what is your relationship with Mr. Fisher? Maybe that can help shed some light onto this whole situation?”

^Josh “Uh, well, I don’t know if that is really important, I mean, is he awake? Maybe I can talk to him first? Then I can maybe try to answer your questions?”

^Doctor “Well I think you just answered it for me, you two are gay I take it?”

Just as I thought, a couple of queers. Well that explains a few things I suppose.

^Josh “Yes, but that has nothing to do with anything!”

I knew it, I can see that smirk behind his so called serious face, he is smirking and why, just cause we like each other and one of us isn’t a girl? Man, since when does all this make any difference anyhow?

^Doctor “Well other than the obvious medical concerns, it does indeed have something to do with this, did you two have a fight? A quarrel about someone else maybe?”

^Josh “NO! I mean no, we only just got together recently, this is all so bizarre, I mean he was a bit unhappy the last few days, but we didn’t fight or anything, really I don’t know what happened, maybe it was an accident? Maybe he didn’t mean to do this?”

^Doctor “I don’t think you really believe that, what was he unhappy about? Did he say?”

How many times have I heard that one? He didn’t mean it, or some such nonsense. Of course he meant it, just his bad luck that he chose the least likely successful method. That, plus you came home early, so get real kid; you know he meant it so stop avoiding the truth.

^Josh “No, nothing really, just something about his family, he really didn’t tell me much.”

^Doctor “Well maybe the family can help me there, so you can’t think of anything that would have made him want to do this? He never gave you a clue? A hint of anything that was troubling him deeply?”

^Josh “No, shit if I had thought he would do this shit, I wouldn’t have even gone out, or if I did, I would have gotten home a lot sooner than I did; no, I didn’t have any idea.”

^Doctor “Okay, well I guess that is all you can help on that score, now, does he have any other conditions we should be aware of? Is he HIV+ for example?”

^Josh “No, least, uh, I don’t think so, we never really discussed that, yet. I don’t know, no I don’t think he is, or has anything else, he isn’t some whore off the street, he earns an honest living!”

Fuck, I never did ask him, and how am I supposed to know if I didn’t ask him? You think it is easy to just walk up to your boyfriend and say, hey you got aids? Man, these guys think it is so fucking easy, but it isn’t. Sure, the tests are supposed to be secret, but I am sure they don’t blab it around. I heard about some of that, where they went for tests and the next thing you know the whole school knew they had asked for an HIV test. Man, talk about secrecy, my ass!

^Doctor “Yes, I am sure he does, but we do have to ask these questions, he lost of lot of blood and we have to make sure. Now there is nothing else we need you for, I think you can go home now, just leave your number with the nurse at the front before you go though.”

^Josh “Can’t I see him? I mean, I can wait for a bit longer.”

^Doctor “Well, we have him sedated right now, plus he did suffer a major trauma, so really I don’t expect him to come around much before we transfer him to EMI, you can most likely arrange to see him there.”

^Josh “Uh, I am new to Victoria, what is EMI and where is it?”

^Doctor “Oh, well it is just on the street next to us, off Fort street and it is the Eric Martin Institute. It is a place for patients who need some mental treatment and help, but you can find it listed in the phone book, just call them first to make an appointment or to see if he is even allowed visitors, sometimes they restrict visitors for the first day or two.”

^Josh “A nut house? You are sending him to a nut house?”

^Doctor “No not a nut house, it is a part of this hospital but it deals with mental trauma and illness. Look young man, your friend tried to kill himself, he needs some help and this is where he can get some, if he wants. However, because he didn’t come in on his own, we have to evaluate his condition, to make sure he isn’t a public danger, now that is the law and they really don’t like people calling it a nut house. Now like I said, you should go home now.”

The doctor turned a bit to one side, and nodded at the security guard and then smiled at Josh and walked away. He just left him, standing there with his jaw open, not sure what to say. It was all so cold, so dispassionate that for a brief second he thought that it was all just a nightmare that he would wake up from. The sound of the guard coughing made him turn and he could see the way the man was staring at him, his hand resting on his small shoulder microphone, waiting to see if he would need to call for support or not. Josh could see he was beat so he turned reluctantly away and started to head back the way he had come.

He felt like he was in a daze, unsure of what to do or where to even go. After he left his phone number, he walked out past the automatic doors into the emergency area parking lot. Two ambulances were under the canopy with their doors open but no one else in sight. To one side was the parking, and all he could see were two cars, and nothing else. The warm ocean breeze hit him full in the face and he walked down the grassy boulevard, towards the main parking lot and he wondered just where to go from there?

The touch of the warm breeze on his cheeks triggered his memory of an early walk, the one he had taken with Robbie down by Dallas Road when the wind was blowing and the waves coming into the shore were white with froth. It really had been an exciting day, one that only got more intense as they met.

Robbie had phoned him, which had stunned him because he didn’t think for an instant that they guy would ever call. It had to be, what, three or four days after their brief encounter at the cafeteria? He was sure that nothing would come from that, even though Robbie had asked for his number. He had felt like such a geek then, fumbling around to even find his phone number but shit, he had only moved into his apartment so it was all new to him.

They met at Ogden Point, where all the cruise ships docked and he was duly impressed by the size of it, also a bit daunted by the presence of Robbie. He had been wearing a pull over sweatshirt; one with a huge ram’s head on it and on the back was his name in big gold letters. It was almost like Robbie was trying to let everyone know who he was but all Josh could see was the tall 6ft blond, his blue eyes clouded by some deep mystery. There was a hint of a sparkle buried in those blue eyes and the way the soft warm breeze blew his long flowing blond hair only made Josh’s heart skip a few beats.

He was new to all this dating ritual but he felt comfortable walking with Robbie. It was almost like they had known each other for ages but had been apart recently and were just catching up on all the news. Robbie would point out things, like how he had once gotten to walk thru one of the huge cruise ships that visited Victoria during the summer months.

Robbie had one of those voices that made you listen with every part of your senses. His voice appeared calm but with an underlying hint of something waiting to explode. It was almost as if you were waiting for him to suddenly jump up and shout, and yet at the same time his voice made you feel safe, relaxed almost. Josh recalled how much like a conspirator he had felt, as if he and only he were being given some special information when really he wasn’t. It was something that had attracted him when he had first heard him speak back at the Uvic cafeteria.

He crossed the empty parking lot and pushed past the tall trees that lined the far side of the lot, and he broke out of their covering to stand at a bus stop, on Fort Street, or so the sign across the street indicated. The trees were just starting to turn colour as fall was only beginning and yet standing under their foliage, he felt a shiver run up and down his spine. He just stood there, waiting until it finally dawned on him that the buses didn’t run this late at night, and he would have to either walk home or call a cab. He looked around and spotted the pay phone across the street and so he started to cross, wondering what would happen next.

Josh stared at the phone booth, uncertain what to do as the shock of the whole evening was finally starting to kick in. His eyes glanced over the huge neon sign above the restaurant, and he jumped back a step. It was the sign for a ‘White Spot’ which is the place where he and Robbie had met only a few weeks ago, the place where Robbie asked him if he would like to be boyfriends, if he, Josh, would like to take a stab at being a couple. God, to think it was at this restaurant, but as he stared at it and then slowly looked around, he realized that this was a different ‘White Spot’ than that one, still, it brought back what had to be a happy time for him.

Everything was triggering memories for him, and he shivered a little, wondering if all he would have would be these snatches of things past? He could feel the tears welling up and he was rather surprised that they hadn’t come sooner. Didn’t he care for Robbie or was he just in shock?

This sign was just another reminder to him that he didn’t know Robbie at all. Sure he knew that he liked to have his back rubbed, he knew that Robbie was bashful, that undressing in front of him was nerve wracking for Robbie, and yet he could do the most sensual strip tease Josh had ever seen.

It really was a contradiction, the way Robbie could be so shy, so quiet and yet when he was close to cumming, his voice would echo through the apartment like a runaway freight train. The room would shake and the bed would feel like it was about to break apart from the wild motion and loud sounds of Robbie in the throes of passion.

God, why did he have to do this thing? Couldn’t he have talked to someone, couldn’t he have come to him and discussed the pain he was obviously feeling? Why did he feel he had to take this route? Wasn’t there some other way?

He felt a heaviness around his heart as he walked back up to the phone booth, reaching for the phonebook, but still feeling uncertain of what to do. So many thoughts were going through his young mind, and he was feeling very confused. Why hadn’t he spotted the signs that Robbie was thinking of suicide? They always said there were tell tale signs, so why hadn’t he noticed it?

Josh just stared at the phone and somehow he found his hand shaking, as he reached for the quarter in his pocket. What else did he miss that he should have spotted? God, was he in trouble too? Would his landlord kick him out now or would he just give him time to move?

With the quarter in his fingers, he slowly moved them up to the slot to drop in and he glanced down at the open phone book, wondering if he were right in leaving so soon, maybe he should walk back and just hang around until Robbie came to? He put his hand down and turned to stare back towards the hospital and somehow he felt cheated, felt like he was being denied the chance to help and he didn’t know whom to blame, the doctor? Or maybe he should blame Robbie?

Just the idea of being so upset with Robbie was hurting him. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed to hold Robbie once more, to hear the lilt in his voice or to hear him laugh one more time. There was so much he wanted to talk to him about, so much he wanted to share with him and now all that may never happen. Why hadn’t he done this before? Maybe if he had been more open with Robbie, none of this would have happened but he knew that wasn’t really true.

It was like the walk on Dallas Road that first time. The way they talked about a lot of stuff, how Victoria really wasn’t that bad and that the city had a gay bar which was something, at least there was a place to meet others.

They had talked about the big gay pride parade in Toronto and how so many got all decked out in wild costumes and paraded around in some of the flimsiest outfits around. Josh had learned that Robbie had never gone to a parade, but that he had read about them and searched them out on the internet, but that he just couldn’t bring himself to actually go to one. He claimed it was because he had no one to go with but Josh couldn’t understand that, after all Robbie was hot.

He smiled for a second, as he remembered how surprised Robbie had been when Josh had told him that, and how he had moved his hand so slowly, to just have his fingers brush up against Josh’s fingers. It was like he was scared, and yet he could still feel that touch, that hesitation was transmitted in the feel but so was something else, something that made Josh almost flinch and made his whole body quiver.

It was almost as if they were passing secret messages that their minds couldn’t comprehend, but which their hearts fully understood. He could still feel the raw excitement that passed thru his body at that soft and hesitant touch of fingers, while they walked along the ocean front. The glorious majesty of the Olympic Mountains showing up far off in the horizon, and for a brief second Josh had felt like he was riding on top of those mountains, and all of that from just a simple touch.

It really was intoxicating, the warm ocean breeze, the smells of the ocean permeating through it all and yet it was the softness of his touch that made him see it all, feel it all around him like he had never felt nature before. The whole day had been strange, and yet he could almost recall it all in a flash, the way Robbie would look at him, with a deep hunger at times, other times with a sense of familiarity that only made Josh feel even more special.

He couldn’t put his finger on it, but that day had been a wonderful beginning for him and now it all lay in ruins at his feet. What had gone so wrong that Robbie felt he couldn’t live in this world any longer? Had he done something to take the passion for life out of Robbie or was there more to the mystery of Robbie Fisher that he should have known about?

The sound of the harsh ringing in his ear startled him and he didn’t even realize he had dropped his quarter in and dialled. He waited as he heard the sleepy voice on the other end calling out, his nerves suddenly froze and his mouth became very dry as he tried to speak, tried to reach out for what he needed. With one last gasp of strength, he finally spoke.

^Josh “Its me, sorry to wake you.”

Why did I call them? What can they do to help?

^Abner “Joshua? Is that you Joshua?”

Oh please God, let him be okay.

^Josh “Yes papa, it is me.”

I have scared the shit out of them and they don’t even know the half of it yet, why am I calling them? Am I that much of a momma’s boy?

^Abner “What is it? Are you all right? Something is wrong, what is it? My god it is after 4am, what is it?”

The boy is so scared, I can hear it in his breathing, something has happened, oh my God please let him be safe, let him not be in any trouble. Please God, help me and give me strength, he is my first born, you of all should understand the importance of a first born.

^Josh “I need to, oh dad I am so scared, please dad, can I come home to see you?”

He is praying, I can tell it in his voice, he is praying for me, but what do I tell him? How do I tell him that I can’t believe in his God anymore? How do I tell a man who has lived with his own personal vision of God that he is wrong? Hell, what am I doing calling him and making him worry like this? Some son I am turning out to be, refusing to come to Victoria for a whole year, then all the shit before I gave in, and for what? To hurt them when all they ever did for me was love me?

^Abner “Come home, of course, where are you? You aren’t at your place, where are you Joshua… sssh Adele I can’t hear the boy with you jabbering away… where are you Joshua?”

It is serious, oh my God I can tell, he wouldn’t want to come home unless it was serious, where are my clothes? Adele hush up, damn it, I can’t hear with her voice, she can sense it too, I can see the fear in her eyes, oh please God, give me the strength I need. I need to get to him, where is he? Why is he speaking so softly, where is he?

^Josh “I am at the White Spot on Fort Street I think, the one across from the hospital.”

It is crazy, they are upset and they don’t even know the details yet, but they are there and it is where I want to be, I just want to be at home with them. How can I go back to my place? Oh God, I am such a coward, why couldn’t I have seen what was happening and stopped him before it was too late? Shit, he needed me and I failed him.

^Abner “The hospital? Which, the one in Oak Bay?”

The Hospital? Royal Jubilee? Why is he there, oh please don’t let him be hurt, oh no, is it that AIDS thing? No, no it can’t be that, he wouldn’t wait until 4 in the morning to call about that, what could it be? I have to find my shirt, where is my shirt, why can’t she leave my clothes where I put them, now what am I going to do? I need to go, I must go.

^Josh “Yes, the one in town, dad please, I just need…”

He really is going to come and get me, it is like I am back in school, calling home for a ride, but I am not in high school am I? Why can’t I act like a man? Shit, I am such a damn wimp.

^Abner “I’ll be there in 10 minutes, you just wait there, you say the phone booth at the White Spot across from the hospital, yes?”

I can go down to Richmond and then cut across, no, oh shit yes of course I can I turn left off Richmond onto Fort street, that should get me there, now where are my car keys, he is so scared, I have never heard him this frightened before, he needs to talk to Adele, she’ll know how to calm him down before I get there, yes, that will work, where are my damn car keys? Oh shit, there they are, good, now my shoes, I can’t go without my shoes, oh hell I’ll wear my slippers, they are like shoes anyhow.

^Josh “Yes daddy, I can take a cab, please…”

I shouldn’t make him come out this time of night, I can take a cab, why don’t I insist, am I that scared? Do I really want to make my father come and get me like some school kid? No, but then again, I just want to get home, that is all I want.

^Abner “No, you stay, I’ll only be a few minutes, now you stay, you want to talk to your mother while waiting? Here, talk to your mother!”

My poor Joshua, I must run, but his mother must calm him down, she is going to need to calm herself too, letting her talk to him will help, she’ll manage, she is a rock, thank God for that, she is such a rock in times like this. Times like this? Am I mishoga? Who knows from times like this, oh well, first I go, and then we see what it is all about, now.

^Adele “Joshua? Joshua are you okay? You aren’t hurt are you?”

My poor baby, I knew it, I just knew it. I should never have given in, never in a million years and now look at this mess, my poor baby is in trouble, I told his father, no, our son is not ready to have his own place, to have room mates but did he listen? No, typical man, always thinking they know what is best when it is we mothers who know.

^Josh “No mamma, I am okay, look tell dad it is okay, I don’t need to talk while waiting for him.”

I can hear the lecture coming now, she never did want me to have my own place, but it isn’t like this is news, she objected in Toronto and now she will really raise the roof, I can’t handle this now.

^Adele “No? And what about me? Maybe your mother needs to talk until your father gets there? So, what is it, you and your friend get into a fight or something?”

Typical men, always thinking they can handle it all in silence, where was it ever written that they had to suffer in silence? Didn’t even Moses cry up to the Lord and complain about the suffering? So why do they pretend it is no big deal, all this macho mumbo jumbo, who needs it, I need to hear his voice; I can say that, I am his mother.

^Josh “No mamma, I didn’t get into any fight with Robbie, but uh, well he did get hurt, I guess, I don’t know, I mean I didn’t know what to do mamma, and they asked so many questions…”

She doesn’t understand, she is too old fashioned to get it. I could never fight with Robbie, I think I am in love with him but I guess he isn’t with me, how could he do this to me? What was going on in his head for him to think it was all over, that he couldn’t trust me? I shouldn’t have called home, now I’ll only upset them and worse, she’ll want me to come home and live, but shit I can’t go back to the apartment, least not yet.

^Adele “Who asked so many questions, Joshua? Come, calm down and tell me, what happened?”

This is serious, like I didn’t know that the instant the phone rang? He needs to come home, to be with those who understand him, who love him, how could he get into this tzsuris? It is that Robbie boy, I know it, and he stole my poor boy’s heart and now he’s ripping it apart.

^Josh “The police, then the doctors, it is all so confusing, I don’t know, I guess I am just a bit in shock, I really didn’t mean to wake you up, I was going to call a cab, to go home, and then I just dialed your number, I am sorry mamma.”

What else can I do? I wish I knew what to do, maybe I should have listened better, why did he have to do this? Couldn’t he have trusted me enough to tell me what was upsetting him so much? Maybe I should have pressed more, but he seemed okay, sure he was bummed out but still, this? I can’t go back there, not yet, not to all that blood and then the neighbours, like I need them snooping around.

^Adele “Hush, it is okay, what are parents for if not to call when you need them? I would call my own mamma if I needed to, and many times I did when I first started dating your father, so is your friend okay? I mean he’s not, serious is he?”

Police? Doctors? Oie gvelte3, what has he gotten into? Why shouldn’t he call home, how many times did I call my own mamma when Abner would upset me? No, he needs to come home; he needs to be with his family, but what about that poor boy, Robbie? Who is going to look out for him now?

^Josh “I don’t know, they won’t really tell me much mamma, there was so much blood, I mean I never saw so much blood before, but they say he’s okay, but they won’t let me talk to him or see him.”

Why wouldn’t they let me see him? Not even for a second they wouldn’t let me peek in or nothing, oh God, all that blood, did he? No, they said he was recovering, they wouldn’t say that if he was, gone, or would they? Shit, why can’t they just be honest with people, always hiding behind some fancy terms, fuck how am I going to find out?

^Adele “Okay, your father has left, he shouldn’t be long, we aren’t that far from there, now tell me, so much blood, what happened?”

Blood? Police? Doctors? No fighting? What happened to that poor boy, he was so sweet that one time we met, how could he be hurt like this? An accident maybe? No, Joshua would have said that, why is he so afraid to come home, why was there so much blood and the police too, no… oi vais mere4, my poor baby, his friend, no, he must have been mishoga, no one in their right mind would, but then, oh my poor baby, such a burden to bear and he’s so young too.

^Josh “I really don’t know, I came home early, and, oh mamma it was so horrible, he was all slumped over, the blood was everywhere and I didn’t know what to do, he looked, it really, oh mamma, what did I do so wrong that he wanted to do that?”

3 Jewish expression like OH SHIT or MY GOD.

4 Jewish for ‘Oh My God’

I need to get a grip on myself. I am only going to scare her, but what did I do so wrong? Why did Robbie not trust me enough? Did he think I wouldn’t understand or that I would dump him if he told me about his problem?

Hell, I don’t even know what his problem was, all I do know is he had a fight with his family a few days ago, but all kids fight with their parents, I should know that, I have had some good ones with mine, but to want to kill yourself over it? No, there has to be something else? Could he, no, there was no way he could have found that out without me knowing he had gone for a test, and I know he hadn’t gone lately, he had his results from just after we met, so it can’t be that, can it?

^Adele “Joshua, now listen to me, you can’t blame yourself for some mishoga5 goy6, and besides, you don’t know if this has anything to do with you, now do you?”

My poor boy, he blames himself and how can I tell him that he isn’t at fault? How can I make him see that people do crazy things and it isn’t anyone’s fault but theirs?

^Josh “He’s not mishoga, he’s just like me but I don’t think his parents are so, well I don’t think they get along, they don’t understand.”

He’s not crazy, she’s always labelling people but she doesn’t know him like I know him, he’s sweet and is wonderful to be with. Okay, he’s moody at times and he has trouble sometimes getting it up but that doesn’t make him crazy, does it? Everyone wants to put labels on people, why can’t they just accept people for who they are.

Okay so his parents were dick heads, mine weren’t exactly that quick to support me either, but at least they came around. Maybe his would too if he had given them a chance, but to do this, this isn’t going to help them see him for who he really is, just one more label to add to his name, that’s all they are going to do and it is so unfair.

5 Jewish term for crazy

6 Jewish term for non Jewish person

^Adele “Understand? Who understands their kids these days, certainly not your father or me, we just love you and your brother, what else does one need? Now come, you know you didn’t do anything, so when your father gets there, you tell him and he can go across and maybe find out, after all, he’s a clergy person, they trust clergy people.”

Understand? What is there to understand, kids do what they can to make us all nervous wrecks, it is their job in life just as it is a parents to be there to catch them when they fall, so what is there to understand?

His father can sort this out, it is terrible the way these doctors act, they should listen to their own mothers and treat people with some kindness. Maybe we can call that doctor fellow, oh what is his name now? He’s Miriam’s son, he just opened his practise here, Myron, no, Marcus, yes that is it, Marcus, maybe he can find out more. I’ll have to talk to Abner when they get back, he can call him in the morning.

^Josh “You think? I mean, you think dad would do that?”

Fisher sounds Jewish, it might work but would dad do it? I should have thought of that, maybe that is why I called home? Maybe in the back of my mind, but no, I called home because I am scared to death and I don’t know what to do.

^Adele “Of course he would, you are his son aren’t you?”

Why do they always think we won’t help them? They are our children, of course his father will help him, if he doesn’t he wouldn’t be my Abner, that is for sure.

^Josh “Yes, but still, I mean…”

How do I say ‘Dad, can you find out why my lover tried to kill himself?’ I don’t think so momma, it isn’t that easy to do, and besides, how do I explain all this to him? What does he know about suicides and gays?

^Adele “Listen Joshua, you know your father loves you, now you trust him, he’ll help you, just ask him nice, explain it to him like you explained it to me, and he’ll help.”

He is still a little boy at times, but he thinks he’s a man, what is it with these men? Who cares who is the head of the household or top he bull? You hurt, you get help, what is all this modern nonsense about, keep it to yourself, such malarkey, it was never this way when I was growing up, never. Family is all you have, you have to trust your family, poor Joshua, he is too sensitive at times, that is my fault, but his father will help.

^Josh “I didn’t explain anything…”

How does she do that? She knows and yet I never came right out and said it, okay maybe she’s just smart, but then I never really did come out and say I was gay either, but they knew, they are the one’s who told me, so how do they do it? Is it some secret sense that parents have or just Jewish parents? God, if they could bottle it they’d make a fortune.

^Adele “Yes, you did but in ways only a mother can understand, now, is your father there yet?”

Wait until you have children, you’ll understand it all then my son, until then just know that a parent is a life long job, and oh what a job it is, even at times like this.

^Josh “Yeah, I see him now, thanks, I better hang up.”

Papa was right; I did need to talk to her, how did he know that?

^Adele “Okay, now you tell your father everything, I’ll go put the tea on so when you come home, there will be something hot, you want a sandwich maybe? I got some tuna fish?”

They’ll need something to eat, I have some tuna but maybe, I knew I should have had Abner go to the centre and get some cold cuts, I knew it, well, I can make something else, maybe there are cookies that he will like.

^Josh “No thanks, tea will be fine mama.”

Why is it that Jewish mothers always try to cover a hurt by forcing food? Must be something in the genes, but a hot cup of tea will help, I do feel better, but I wish I knew what was going on, why did Robbie do this?

Josh turned to see his father pulling the family’s old 1990 Buick into the small parking lot. He looked so old as he pulled up to the phone booth and Josh could feel his heart twitch a little, as he realized just how much his parents meant to him. He had only come out to them 3 months ago, when the move was being discussed and for a few days it was like being in the middle of a raging war and then, just as suddenly, it all ended. Not a ceasefire, but almost a total surrender on their part as if they had nothing to fight. He still wasn’t sure of why, or which of his parents had pressured the other, but he had suspected his mother.

Rabbi Goldberg climbed out of the car and walked hurriedly over to his son, almost in a run and he just reached out and brought his son into his arms. He hugged him hard, feeling his son’s pounding heartbeat and he could sympathize with him, his own heart was beating just as fast and just as loudly. He was almost in tears as he felt his son’s arms around him, hugging him back and it was almost like when Joshua had been a small boy. He always came to papa when he was scared, thank God for that.

^Abner “You okay?”

He looks so tired, so scared too but such a young man, look at how his shoulders are squared, like a soldier no less, and his eyes, you can see the hurt in them, he really does care for this Robbie boy. Why didn’t I see this before? Am I that old, that set in my ways that I have missed how much my son cares for this person?

^Josh “I am now, thanks for…”

He looks so lost in all this, he doesn’t really understand my lifestyle, or me but then how could he? He’s from the old school but he tries, how many kids can say that about their parents?

^Abner “Hush, it is what parents do, one day, you will know what I mean!”

Some days being a parent is not easy, but at least he’s only a fagel7, could be worse, he could be a bank robber or some murderer, so what is to understand? He is my son, the fruit of my love for his mother, and he has her eyes too, the softness and gentleness that is my Adele, and he has that too. This Robbie, he is a lucky young man to have my son.

^Josh “Papa, how will I know one day?”

Even now he’s pressing me for grand children, why is it that all Jewish parents measure their success by how many grandkids they have? There is more to life than that isn’t there?

^Abner “What? You can’t adopt when you find your Mr. Right? You will see, you will want to adopt, then you’ll see… trust your papa.”

7 Jewish term for gay person, slang term

For a modern generation they don’t know much. What is so wrong in wanting a grandchild? Why do all these kids today think it is such a terrible thing to have children, to mould a young mind and bring them up into the world to do such wonderful things? Where have we failed that our kids no longer want to be parents? Is it that we complain too much? Do we make it seem like an impossible task so that they shy away from wanting to be a parent? Don’t they know that it is the greatest job in the world?

^Josh “Haha, you always have a way don’t you? Thank you papa, but you, you are in your slippers and you have your pyjamas on under your jacket.”

He always amazes me, how could someone who has gone through so much in his own life even think of all these things? Adopting a child, a gay person adopting a child? Well, maybe, but he makes it sound so simple and I know he knows the truth, he knows it would be a public nightmare and yet he expects it, like it is nothing. How can he have so much faith in me? In momma, I can understand, but me?

^Abner “Well, I couldn’t find my shirt, your mama, god bless her, always tidies up before bed, women, always cleaning, so come, let us get into the car and out of this cold air.”

Kids today, he wants me to be a fashion plate at 4 in the morning? Oh well, at least he is thinking again, that is something, but if it wasn’t for his mother, I would have a shirt to wear, but for now, well who had time to go looking, but he is cold, he needs to get inside and we should get home before Adele has the police out looking for us.

Josh climbed into the old Buick and he could smell that scent, that aroma that always seemed to fill the car. He could smell his father’s aftershave, and even his mother’s own perfume. It was always in the car and he leaned back into the seat, feeling relaxed for the first time since he had stumbled onto Robbie’s prone body in the bathroom of his apartment. He shivered a little and felt his father reach out and take his hand into his own soft hand. He just held it, tenderly and with affection, softly patting it as he held onto it.

It wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be and he found himself talking and explaining it all to his father. Abner just sat there, his hand gently patting his son’s shaking hand as he listened to the horror of the night. His heart grew pained as the words tumbled out and he could see the tears rolling down his son’s cheeks. With a tenderness borne from years of being a father, he reached across and gently wiped away the tears, looking deep into his son’s eyes and they stopped speaking.

They just stared into each other’s eyes and Josh could feel his father’s overwhelming love wrapping around his shaking body. He could feel the warmth cursing thru his chilled body and he knew that he was loved, that his pain was his father’s pain too and there was comfort in that thought as he tried to make sense of it all.