Chapter 41

Billy watched closely as Mike’s eyelids began to flutter. He could tell that he was slowly starting to wake up and the smile on Billy’s face grew larger as he felt his lover coming awake. It was getting close, he could see the shoulders shake a little and Billy waited for the nostrils to flare. There, first the one then the other and now he waited, knowing the next step would be Mike taking a deep breath and then would come the smile, the one that always made his heart go pitter patter. God, it was such fun to watch him wake up, and he sighed, knowing that this was going to happen every morning for decades to come.

There, he could see the chest being sucked in and he could just barely hear that wheeze as Mike sucked in the fresh air. He waited, knowing he would soon hear Mike’s voice and while waiting, he could feel his own body stirring, slowly growing as his lover came back to earth from his night’s dreams.

A soft sweet scent began to fill his body and he could feel the muscles in his face begin to move, a smile starting to grow across his sleeping face as he breathed in the most beautiful aroma he had ever smelled, that of his special love, Billy. He could feel it fill his lungs and his hand moved from across Billy’s arm to roam softly down the front, feeling the warm flesh of Billy’s stomach as the sounds of morning intruded into his mind.

While his fingers moved along the trembling flesh, he could feel his heart beginning to race faster, his legs waking as the moved in to form a closer fit next to Billy’s body. He loved waking up this way, to feel the love that was next to him and all around him slowly heat his body as the sleep left him. He yawned a little, smelling his own morning breath and knowing that it didn’t matter, that Billy would still love to kiss him. The scent of his own breath also brought his eyes open and he knew that he would see a fully awake blond, lying next to him, just smiling and ready for a morning kiss.

“How do you do that?”

“What?”

“Wake up before me every morning?”

“I don’t know, just lucky I guess”

“Lucky?”

“Uh huh, its fun watching you wake up”

“Cool, but I kind of want to watch you wake up one morning at least”

“Yeah, I guess, but you always get to watch me fall asleep, I never get to do that, so we are even”

“Haha, I guess, so you got a kiss for me or what?”

“Gee, I don’t know, your breath stinks”

“Oh well, if you don’t want to kiss me…”

“HEY, I never said that… come here stud boy, I got more than just a kiss for you”

Billy tried to grab at Mike who rolled backwards, not willing to give in just yet to the growing desire in his heart. He loved the mornings, the way everything was so fresh, so new just as his love for Billy was always fresh. It was like discovering your favourite toy after years of not having it, as well as of meeting someone for the first time and knowing they were the one, that special person that the rest of your life would be devoted to. That was how each morning felt to him, as he woke up to Billy.

Mike reached down to block Billy’s snaking hand as it came across to try to tickle him across his belly. He knew every move, just as Billy did and yet no matter how often they played like this, it felt like it was happening for the first time. He moved now to arch his buttocks back as he could feel Billy trying to snuggle in closer now, to use the touch of his hard body to make Mike surrender and let him kiss him but not this morning, this morning he was going to be strong.

He had forgotten Billy’s next move for a second, and just as he recalled the move, Billy’s young hard body came crashing on top of him and he could feel his strong arms pinning him down flat on the bouncing mattress. His head looked up and his eyes took in the shimmering image of his lover, a slight pant to his breath as he pressed down, his naked body hot to the touch.

Billy’s heart skipped a beat, then began to beat faster as it felt the love flowing between the two mortal bodies. The flesh no longer seemed to be separate as he reached down with one hand to wipe away the dark lock of hair across Mike’s emerald eyes and he breathed in deeply, feeling the love filling him up once more with its power.

He bent down, his eyes wide open as he saw the smile growing across Mike’s face and his lips were suddenly dry, anxious to press against Mike’s own ruby strands of flesh. Slowly he brought his head down, knowing that Mike was just as anxious. Just as he pressed his lips onto Mike’s mouth he saw out of the corner of his eye a paper propped up against the light on Mike’s night table. He kissed but his mind had been distracted and he knew that Mike could sense it.

“What?”

“I don’t know, what’s that?”

Billy pointed and Mike struggled under Billy’s body to turn his face to see what had ruined his morning kiss. He could see the ragged edged paper sticking up and he had no idea what it was.

“I don’t know, you leaving me notes again?”

“No, I didn’t put it there”

“Oh, then must be from my secret admirer”

“Secret Admirer? Hey, I’ll kill him whoever it is… you tell him you taken bub”

“Naturally I tell him that, but what can I say, I am worth the risk”

“Bastard, well, you going to read it or what?”

“You read it, I am kind of weighed down at the moment”

“Pig, hey… stop that”

“Not a chance sexy, you planted it, you read it, I got me a hot blond to taste”

Mike licked at the chest that was over him now, and he enjoyed seeing the way Billy’s skin moved and shook to the touch of his tongue. God it felt so good to be loved by him and he knew that there never could be anyone else for him. His life was Billy’s and Billy knew it too. He smiled to himself, wondering what Billy had written on the note when he found his eyes looking towards the other side of the bed and he saw another note, leaning up against the alarm clock that was on Billy’s night table.

“Hey, you got one too”

“Huh?”

“Look, on your side of the bed, what’s going on, what does mine say?”

Billy’s face was no longer radiating his pleasure, instead it seemed to grow cool as he read the few words on the paper, turning the small plastic package in his hand, while he read then re read the note. He turned to Mike’s astonished voice and looked over to see a similar piece of paper resting on his alarm clock.

“Here you read it, I’ll see what mine says, oh, and this was with it”

Billy handed Mike the paper and small plastic package while he climbed off his lover’s body and reached across to grab his own note. He stared at it, it too had a small package with it and the words were identical. The note said

‘Love means being safe,

If you love him use this,

We’ll talk this afternoon,

USE It OR DON”T DO IT,

Dad’

His hand shook as he stared at the note, part of him feeling angry and a part feeling scared. Billy had no idea why he was feeling scared, it wasn’t like he or Mike would cheat on each other, they had no need to use a condom and so why would his dad suddenly feel he had to? Besides that, just how dare his dad tell him under what conditions he could make love to his man? He didn’t go out and tell him how he could get it on with Chris, so why should he be forced to suddenly change? He looked over to Mike and felt his heart suddenly stop in total terror.

There were tears rolling down Mike’s cheeks and he could see him struggling to hold back sobs of pain. What the fuck, now his anger grew hot inside of him as he reached over for Mike and he felt his body trembling in pain. The anger was hot, but he bit his lower lip and scooted over to bring his arms around Mike and hold him close.

“Mike… I am sorry, please…”

“No, no, it’s okay Billy, damn I should have known”

“Known? What should you have known? Look don’t let my old man’s paranoi get to you, he has no right…”

“Hey, yes he does, he loves you, and why shouldn’t he love, God you are so precious… I am sorry Billy”

Fear was building inside of him. What could Mike be so sorry about that it would reduce him to tears in a second. How dare his father do this to his lover, how dare he try to meddle in his love life.

“Mike, come on, you are scaring me, what, you have nothing to be sorry about”

“Yes I do, I mean, he is right”

“He is not, you would never cheat on me”

“I know that, but still”

“Still what?”

“I should keep you safe, that’s my job and I have failed”

“Look, how the fuck have you failed?”

“We don’t use them, we should I guess, in case I do fuck up, I just, I never thought about anyone else, but I guess your… shit Billy I would never cheat on you, please, you have to know that”

“I do, oh God Mike there is no one else for me but you, I don’t care what my dad thinks, I know you love me”

“I do, really I do, I know that maybe I am not the greatest catch for someone like you, but I would never cheat, never hurt you, honest”

“Mike I know, okay? Look, my dad is wrong, we love each other, neither of us would cheat on the other, he was wrong about Taylor and me, and he’s wrong about you and me, we love each other”

“But why would he suddenly, he is a smart man Billy, maybe he knows something we don’t? Maybe he sees signs we don’t recognize, I don’t know, but I do love you, I really really do”

The two boys held each other, both of them suddenly in turmoil, unsure of what to do next. Mike could barely catch his breath, as he felt so alone, so desolate because he really did love Billy, and he had thought that Billy’s dad knew that, without question but he must have been wrong, otherwise why would he suddenly be insisting they use condoms ? He had no intention of cheating and he was desperately searching the past week to try to figure out what he had said or done to make Seth think he would cheat on Billy.

Billy’s anger was eating his insides out. He could feel his stomach twisting and gurgling from the acid that was pouring into it, unsure why his father would do this all of a sudden. He thought his dad liked Mike and was happy for him, but somehow he seemed to think they wouldn’t last, that maybe one or both of them would cheat on the other. Maybe he had this idea that they were just sex maniacs or something, but he was wrong, this wasn’t about sex, they loved each other, didn’t his dad know that by now?

How could he be so insensitive? How could he just walk in here at night and leave these, these plastic testaments to infidelity on his night tables? Mike would sooner die than hurt him, why couldn’t his father love him the same way? Damn it, this wasn’t right and he could feel the pain in Mike and it made him even angrier. No one, not even his father, had the right to hurt his lover, let alone assume that he didn’t love him. How dare his dad do this?

Mike had never felt this alone, this empty as he struggled to hold it together for Billy’s sake. He knew he was failing in that too and the sobs of pain were never far away despite his will. He could feel his body tremble in Billy’s arms and it scared him. In the past, whenever he felt bad, just being next to Billy had made it feel okay, and now here he was in his arms and the pain was only worse, harder and more excruciating.

His heart was slowly beating, the pain almost making it stop but he was fighting through it and as he did he managed to slow down the terrible shudders that were rolling up and down his body. His legs were no longer making the bed shake and he could finally feel something other than pure terror in his soul. His eyes had poured out a river of tears but now they had slowed to a trickle as he finally managed to calm down.

As he calmed down, he could feel the anger inside of Billy growing and he knew that there was going to be a giant clash at the breakfast table. He had to avoid it, to get Billy to cool off otherwise they would both be a mess. Okay, he thought, he hadn’t succeeded in proving his love to Billy’s dad, fine, he could live with that, and he could try harder, but he had to know that Billy believed in him. IF he didn’t, he didn’t know what he would do, and slowly his heart began to steady its beat, his soul began to once more push aside the darkness and let his love flourish. That was the key, that was his only hope at getting through all of this and he stopped his body cold, refused to let it surrender to the darkness and instead he reached deep inside, to bring his love for Billy back to the forefront.

It was funny really, how he could summon complete mastery over his body when it dealt with helping Billy. If it was just about him, he could never just stop the fears, the doubts, but if it was about Billy, nothing could stand in his way. Yes, he thought, that included Seth too and he didn’t look forward to that, but he would fight for Billy and if that meant that he and Seth would not be friends, well, all he wanted was Billy, that was enough to sustain him. He would like it to be the whole family, he really enjoyed it, the fun, the jokes, the feeling of belonging, but if it wasn’t to be, it wasn’t to be.

“I don’t care what he thinks he sees, I love you and if he has a problem with that, tough”

“Billy, come on, he’s your dad, look let’s just go out and run and maybe hang out in the back somewhere, and let things cool down”

“Why are you defending him? He’s more or less said he doesn’t trust us, trust in our love, how can you…”

“Because I know I love you, because I know you love me, that’s how, it really doesn’t amount to shit what other’s think or think they know about us, I know, isn’t that enough?”

“Sure it is, but still…”

“Yeah it hurts, I know, I don’t get it but who knows, adults are strange at times”

“Tell me about it, but he doesn’t know Mike, he doesn’t, he was dead wrong about Taylor and me, and he’s dead wrong here too”

“I know, look let’s just go out for a bit, we’ll go grab some breakfast somewhere, my treat”

“Your treat? Whoa, you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure, hey, what are you so surprised about?”

“Well, you aren’t exactly the big spender, breakfast? What, Micky Dee’s?”

“If you want, but I was thinking maybe of the restaurant in the hotel, they have that weekend special”

“Yeah, but shit, that like $7 or $8 a person”

“So, you are worth it, and I can always go to school in your truck so as to cut down on gas for mine”

“You…damn it Mike, you always know how to bring me down, don’t you?”

“Uh huh, and you me, it’s called, let me see now, could that be, uh, oh yeah, LOVE? Hehe”

“Yeah it is, okay, yeah let’s do that, I could go for some real breakfast”

“Okay. And, uh Billy, let’s just be cool when we leave okay? I hate to spend that kind of money for food and then not enjoy it”

“Haha, okay I promise, I’ll just be my normal sweet self”

“Uh, well, now that is really stretching it, but okay, if you can be sweet, but don’t waste it, I mean Oscar nominations are a hell of a long ways off”

“Pig”

“Yep”

They dressed quickly, excited by the prospect of just being alone together and not having to deal with the situation right away. Billy knew that Mike was doing it so he could calm down and not say something to his father that he might regret, but damn it, he was still feeling angry and hurt. How could his dad do this to him? The anger was never far and he struggled to contain it, because Mike wanted it that way, and he loved Mike so much, he would do anything for him, even bite his tongue.

They ran down the stairs and headed out through the kitchen. Keith, Tommy, Chris and Seth were all seated at the table, having breakfast and Mike could see the two places set for him and Billy. He felt a small pang in his heart seeing that, knowing that it would never be the same now, at least not for awhile until he could figure a way to get Seth to realize that he would never hurt Billy. He thought he had shown him that, but obviously not, which hurt a great deal but which he had to hide, he couldn’t let Billy see that.

Seth felt a bit uneasy as he waited for the two older boys to come down. They were taking a long time and he just couldn’t understand why he felt so uncomfortable. It was like a premonition of impending doom and he hadn’t a clue as to why he felt that way. Chris seemed to sense it and kept looking at him too but fortunately the two young ones didn’t pick up on it, least he hoped they didn’t.

He still didn’t know how he was going to deal with the issue of condoms with them, but he knew that both he and Chris would have to, just in case they were doing a bit more than what he assumed. Besides, it seemed that kids today were sexually active a lot earlier than when he was growing up, hell to be honest his first time was when he was 17 or 18 and he couldn’t even remember her name, but he did remember that she had the biggest set of boobs he had ever seen on a women.

The twisting in his guts bothered him and he hated that feeling. It was mostly nerves he guessed, feeling a bit lost as he struggled with trying to figure out how he was going to talk to Billy and Mike about condoms and the risks involved. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and yet he loved them both so much, he couldn’t ignore his responsibilities as a parent and not discuss it with them. They sure didn’t mention this stuff in the parent’s handbook or maybe if they did a few people would think twice at becoming parents.

It always amazed him how people took the job so casually, and then were stunned when they were confronted by the awesome task itself. Being a parent wasn’t easy, and in today’s world, it was downright scary. There was drugs and crime to consider, never mind the medical risks involved. Kids were so vulnerable out there, and all you had to place in front of them for protection was your words, your thoughts, and your love. He didn’t know if that would ever be enough, given the obstacles kids faced.

He had seen a great deal of it in his practise, and he knew that what he faced later today was his time of testing. Was he up to the challenge? He didn’t know the answer, but silently he prayed for help and he knew that with Chris at his side, he would try his best, and maybe that was all he could do. Billy and Mike were smart boys, they would listen and be able to see that he only meant the best for them and hopefully they would come to accept his words and begin to practice safe sex.

Just the idea of losing Billy or Mike to some disease was terrifying, it was even worse to think it could be from something they did years earlier was even more frightening to him. He knew he would rather die himself than let that kind of pain come to his two boys, and yes, to even the young ones too. It was such a tremendous responsibility, one that he questioned if he was up to, but the soft voice inside kept telling him he was, and well, so far she hadn’t been wrong. His only mistake had been in not listening to that voice more, but he was learning, thanks to Chris.

The sound of feet coming down the stairs made him turn towards the kitchen entrance. He felt his heart race a little and then he calmed down as he felt Chris nudge his foot with his own. Everything would be okay, or so he thought as he found himself smiling, in anticipation of seeing his two boys for the first time today. It really was fun to watch those two when they entered a room, you could see the love they held for each other and it just made your heart light and happy.

Every second of the day he thanked God for giving him such a chance, to be in the presence of such youthful exuberance and love, it made him have hope for him and Chris and even for Taylor and Jeremy. Now, it also gave him hope for young Keith and Tommy. Maybe more important, the love he saw in Billy and Mike reminded him of how much he loved life itself.

Chris could feel Seth’s tension but as he watched, he saw his face start to shine and then he too heard the sound of feet coming down the stairs. Well, he knew what that meant and to be honest, it was kind of fun watching the two lovers come into a room. They always seemed to have this glow about them, like they had just finished doing something momentous, and he could guess just what that had to be.

As Mike walked into the kitchen and tossed out a casual generic greeting to everyone, Chris could sense a change in moods. Mike looked ashen, almost as if he had been in pure pain only seconds earlier. There wasn’t the light in his eyes that you could almost count on and he felt Seth stiffen beside him. Something was wrong and when Billy entered the kitchen, he knew for sure that something serious was wrong.

“Billy we saved you and Mike some bacon”

“Huh? Oh thanks Keith, you can have mine, we are going out”

“Okay, you sure?”

“Yep”

“You can have mine Tommy”

“Wow, thanks Mike”

“Where are you two off to then?”

“Uh, I am taking Billy out for breakfast, if that’s okay?”

Seth stared at Mike, feeling like he was suddenly a fish out of water. There was something seriously wrong, Mike could barely look at him and he didn’t understand it. They knew he wanted to talk to them both later, and yet they were heading out, which wasn’t usual for them.

“Well, sure I suppose, what time are you two planning to be back?”

“Don’t worry dad… we’ll be home early enough for your talk”

The words were said so softly but Seth felt like they were coated in pure poison. It was as if Billy could barely stand to even talk to him and it dredged up past conversations that haunted him still. He couldn’t understand it, what had happened that both of them were acting like strangers to him?

“Well Billy, maybe we should have that talk now, I think that maybe you two can go out later on…”

“NO, Mike is taking me out now, go on Mike, I’ll be right there”

“Billy, if your dad…”

“Mike, I am hungry, you said you were taking me out, are you?”

“Yes, okay, but Billy”

“Yeah I know, I promise”

“Sure?”

“Yes”

“Okay”

Mike left before anyone could say anything or stop him. Chris could see that Seth was getting angry. His face was becoming red and his cheeks flushed as he looked at Billy’s defiant face. Chris was sure he could see dark thunder bolts passing between Billy and Seth, the way both of their sets of eyes smouldered and flared. It was almost like watching a clash of titans and he shivered a little, unsure as to what brought such anger out.

“Billy, what is eating you this morning? You and Mike both look like ghosts, what is this all about?”

“I promised Mike, so I won’t say what I really want to say, but I will say this, you made Mike cry dad, don’t, I mean it, don’t ever make him cry again”

“Now just a minute Billy…”

“I have to go, I am sure we can discuss this when we get back from our breakfast”

“William, just you hold on…”

“I have to go, Mike is waiting… but father, I am serious, more serious than I have ever been in my entire life, and that includes before, don’t ever make him cry”

Billy turned to leave the kitchen, Seth with his mouth open and his eyes bulging. He hadn’t a clue as to what had just gone on except that his son had delivered an ultimatum that really didn’t make sense. How had he made Mike cry? He hadn’t spoken to him today, or said anything last night. Hell, he hadn’t even been the last to see him at night, so how could he have made Mike cry? He was about to say something when Billy stopped and walked back to the kitchen table.

“Oh, and here, we don’t need these, there is never going to be anyone else for either of us, maybe you aren’t sure, but we are, so you can keep these, we don’t have any need for them”

Billy placed the two plastic packages on the table, in front of Seth, his blue eyes sparking with rage and defiance as he had spoken and now he just turned and left. Seth couldn’t say a word, his whole world had suddenly gone black before him and he felt like he had just lost a war he didn’t know he was even in. His heart was racing from panic and fear, worse than he thought possible and beads of sweat began to pour from his forehead.

“Papa Seth, how come you made Mike cry?”

“Keith, hush, that’s not your concern, uh, you and Tommy go outside and play now, we’ll talk later”

“Okay, I guess, but Mike is cool, why would… okay, okay, I get it, go out and play”

“Yes, thank you Keith, Tommy”

Seth watched as the two young boys left the table and he could feel their eyes on him. He smiled a little, trying to make light of it all as he still saw the two full packages resting on the table. He turned to Chris and saw the look in his face and he felt a slow fire burning inside of him. His anger was growing too, at Billy and at Mike. He waited, his breathing slowing down as he struggled for control and he turned to see Tommy staring at him.

The look he was getting from Tommy was like a knife to his heart. For that one second, he felt like Tommy didn’t care why Billy and Mike were mad, all he seemed to be saying was, typical adult, always hurting the kids and he felt ashamed at that. Damn it, he hadn’t done anything wrong and just what right did any of them have in condemning him? He was the adult, they were the kids and it was not their place to question him like this, especially not Tommy but then he felt his heart split apart.

If ever any child had a right to question, it had to be Tommy and he could feel his fear rising up. All of his and Chris’ work to try to make Tommy feel a part of their family had suddenly been blown up because of Billy’s tantrum. How dare Billy put all that at risk when he didn’t even know the whole story. Shit, he couldn’t let this one go, and he dreaded having a knock out fight with Billy. He didn’t think he could win either, Billy was too much in love with Mike and he could understand it too.

“Seth…”

“Can you believe that kid of mine?”

“Well, Billy is pretty head strong Seth…”

“Head strong? He was downright rude Chris, and defiant too”

“Well yes, he was, but come on Seth…”

“Come on Seth? Don’t tell me you are taking his side in this?”

“Hey, now come on, I think that maybe you and him both need to cool off a little”

“Damn it, how dare he talk to me like that, I am his father and I don’t care if he is almost 17, I should tan his little bottom…”

“Come on Seth, calm down”

“Calm down? How can I calm down when my own son treats me like that?”

“I know Seth, but he’s angry right now, so…”

“He’s angry? He doesn’t know what anger is yet, but he will, boy will he ever”

“Seth, that isn’t going to help, now is it?”

“Chris, did you hear him? He warned me, me, his father and I didn’t make Mike cry, shit, that is the furthest thing I ever want to do, I love Mike, I love him like he is my son, just as I love Billy”

“I know that Seth, and they do too, it is just, well I guess they took the note wrong”

“Wrong? How the hell could you take something that simple wrong?”

“Well it’s obvious they did, isn’t it?”

“Okay, maybe, but damn it, I love those two, how could either of them doubt that? Shit, I would rather die than have them hurt, can’t they see that?”

“I guess not right now they can’t, they are angry and feeling hurt, look, I know it doesn’t make sense, but Seth they are after all only just 17…”

“But, no, I can’t buy that, surely after all we have gone through together, Billy and me, doesn’t he understand that I want him to be around to bury me, not me be the one to bury him? I can’t let this one go Chris, I can’t let them be foolish, even if it means risking his respect for me, or for that matter, if it comes down to it, even if it means breaking them up, I won’t let them be the one’s lying in a coffin, and me the one standing over them, no fucking way Chris, I don’t care what it takes to make that happen, but I swear…”

“Seth, come on, calm down or you’ll give yourself a heart attack, now come on don’t talk foolish, you aren’t going to have to break them up, and you know, that is something even you can’t do, they are too much in love Seth”

“I can Chris, don’t you underestimate me, if that is what it takes to save their lives…”

“I know you would try, and I don’t underestimate you, God you are too terrifying as it is, never mind if your kids are on the line, but surely you know that trying to break them up is a no win situation.”

“Yeah, I guess, it is just, shit how could they think I don’t believe in their love for each other? How could Billy think I would ever want to make Mike cry? I love him Chris, as much as I love Billy and Taylor, and now even Keith, they are all my sons Chris, how could I not want to make them happy? Keep them from being hurt?”

“Well, its not me you have to tell that too, I guess you have to tell them that”

“But I thought I had, shit, putting those condoms by their bed last night, that was out of love, I don’t even understand how they could think otherwise”

“I don’t either, but then we aren’t teenagers either, I guess they just took it wrong and well, you both kind of let things get out of hand”

“I suppose, still, damn it Chris, this isn’t how it was supposed to be”

“I know, and they are smart boys Seth, both of them, I mean come on, its obvious that Mike took Billy out for the same reason you didn’t go tearing off after them”

“Huh? How’s that?”

“He knew you both would blow up, talk nonsense instead of being calm and listen to each other, so he took him away, so Billy couldn’t let his temper get the best of him”

“Maybe, I guess you are right, but still, what if they stop along the way? I mean they will want to console each other, and Chris, he made it clear, they aren’t going to use condoms ”

“Yes, but I don’t think they are in that kind of mood”

“God I hope you are right Chris”

“Besides Seth, if they have it, it is already too late”

“Don’t even think that Chris, and no it doesn’t have to be, I have heard where people have done it several times together and never got it, but the risk was there, and there are those who have used protection all the time except for once and got it, so no, it isn’t too late and don’t even think that, God I couldn’t handle that.”

“Seth you would handle whatever you had to”

“No, you don’t understand Chris”

“I think I do”

“No, I have already lost a big part of my heart Chris, when I lost my wife I lost a lot, a whole part of me was ripped away and I’ll never get that back, never, and if I was to lose one of them, I doubt if I could survive that, shit, I know I couldn’t survive that”

“Seth…”

“I know Chris, and don’t misunderstand me, you have filled a void in my heart that I never thought could be filled, but it isn’t just that. Yes I felt empty inside with her loss, but there was a part of my heart that died with her, and as much as I love you, and as much as you have helped to heal my old heart, nothing can ever replace that piece that is gone, I know it sounds like I am diminishing our love, I am not, because if something was to happen to you, I know a piece of my heart would die too, just as it did for Chrissy, but if it was the boys Chris, don’t you see, that would rip my heart to shreds, nothing could put that back, I would be dead, maybe not physically, but I might as well be”

Chris reached out, his hand resting softly on top of Seth’s hand. The hand was cold and icy to his touch and he could feel the deep pain as it ran through Seth’s body. He could understand it too, the way Seth was so vulnerable and he realized just how much Seth meant to him as well. He could understand what he meant about a piece of his heart. If anything had happened to Seth, he too would feel the pain, feel the ripping in his heart and he knew that a piece of his heart would forever be lost, but if it was Keith, he knew that he would never recover either. The love for a child was all consuming, and he could understand how the loss of any child would rend a parent’s heart.

“Seth you know I love you”

“Yes, I do, you do know I love you too?”

“Oh yes, and I know what you mean about losing a son, I worry about Keith too, so we are both in this boat together”

“Thanks, I just don’t know how Billy or Mike could think I was questioning their love, God it is so obvious that they love each other, how could Billy think that of me?”

“He was hurt, I think he just got scared Seth, I mean Mike is his life, just as you are mine, I would react the same way to someone who made you cry”

“Oh come on Chris, who the hell is going to make a grown man cry?”

“I don’t know, maybe your own father?”

“No, he wouldn’t do that… he”

“Yes? You wouldn’t either, but somehow they think you did”

“God, sure you aren’t the lawyer?”

“Haha, no thanks, besides, I can drive golf carts into country club ponds as well as you”

“Bitch”

“Now, is that nice? Careful you might make me cry”

“Oh shit, that’s all I need, Keith to think I made you cry, then I’d have all my boys mad at me”

“Haha, yeah, but, well Taylor isn’t mad at you”

“You mean he isn’t yet”

“Why yet?”

“Soon as he hears from Billy he’ll be breathing fire”

“So, you call him and explain it before Billy can”

“Oh come on Chris, I am sure Billy has already called him, and besides, it is Saturday, you know how those two are about their Saturday’s.”

“When were you so scared of your kids Seth?”

“Shit, okay, I get the hint, and besides, you are right, I should talk to Taylor about this, even if he will take Billy’s side on it, but… yeah you are right”

Seth leaned back in his chair, wondering just how the hell this had all gotten so far out of hand? All he had wanted to do was make sure that Billy and Mike were safe, that they respected each other enough to practise safe sex and now he was most likely embroiled in a world war that he couldn’t win. Damn, being a parent was not easy, but shit, the rewards made it worthwhile, and with that thought in hand, he reached out for the kitchen phone and began to dial Taylor’s number.

The sun was shining in through the living room window and he just sat there, lying on the couch while Taylor bustled around cleaning up their mid morning snack. God, he looked so damn hot walking around with that apron on. The only trouble was, it didn’t have a see through material so he could enjoy not just the rear view with lust, but also the front view.

This was their day; the one day of each week, that was set-aside for nothing but each other. No friends, no work, no school, no family even, just each other and this morning had started out so gloriously that Jeremy wasn’t sure if he was alive or in heaven. It had felt so good to wake up to Taylor’s kisses and to feel his man pressing hard up against his legs.

He had awakened before 7 and for the entire morning, they had made love to each other, resting in between, staring and just enjoying each other. It wasn’t a rush for sex either, the way Taylor had entered him so carefully, like he had been a precious piece of expensive china and had ever so agonizingly slowly made love to him, careful to be gentle while he pushed in and pulled out. They had joined for what seemed an eternity and when the loving had ended, two hours had passed. It was unbelievable to them both as they emerged from the bedroom to grab some food and then head to the shower.

The hot steamy water had only made them hunger more for each other, and this time it had been Jeremy’s turn to slowly and delicately show his love towards Taylor. Never in his life had he experienced such sensations as he did that morning, when he had entered Taylor’s body to the steady beat of the shower on his back. The hot stinging needle spray had only made him feel that much more and he had no idea how he could have contained himself but he had and they had stayed under the shower until the hot water began to run cold.

They had laughed at that, and yet still, they felt the need to experience more of each other, like it was their first time together. They both seemed to need to explore in all detail the other’s body, to caress every inch of the flesh, to hold and touch each part of the others body. Jeremy had never felt so alive and so loved as his fingers had explored every part of Taylor’s young body. He had found creases in the skin he knew had been there, and yet they felt new to him and was amazed at the softness and warmth that Taylor’s flesh gave to him.

Jeremy had sat on the bathroom vanity, his legs spread apart while Taylor had explored his body with his tongue. Every part of his freshly washed flesh was once more cleaned, but this time by Taylor’s hot tongue and not some mindless shower spray. It felt like he was in heaven forever, feeling the love as it flowed all around him, and ran all through his body. He could feel his legs shiver as Taylor’s hands ran up and down the muscular limbs, pressing against his muscles, making him tingle and squirm all at the same time.

The entire morning had been spent in absolute love. He was sure that Taylor glowed as they made love time in and time again, each time as if it was for the first time. Jeremy couldn’t get enough of Taylor and neither could Taylor seem to get enough of him. It was exactly how he wanted to spend his life, to be wrapped up in Taylor’s loving arms and to feel him buried deep inside of him.

Each thrust of Taylor’s hot dick into his rectum or each push of his own hard cock into Taylor’s warm insides was a confirmation to his heart that he was in love, that heaven did exist on earth and that the world was a wonderful place to be at this time. No longer did thoughts of a troubled past intrude into his mind, he was at home at last and revelling in it each time that Taylor came close to him, each time that Taylor kissed him or touched him. Nothing else mattered, except to rush home to Taylor’s love and only the rumbling of empty stomachs made them stop experiencing the deep love they had for each other.

With the morning almost gone, the two had emerged to their living room, to see the warm golden rays of the sun shining into the room, filling it with its warmth, and making them feel like they were in the middle of God’s spotlight, showcasing their deep love for the entire world to see. Taylor had kissed him hard in the middle of the room and once more, they had succumbed to their insatiable need for each other’s bodies. Once more, they found themselves engaged in a deep penetrating love of each other and their hearts continued its unified dance of love. Once more their souls danced in front of them, around them, behind them, and inside of them, as their love flowed freely around the living room, basked in the golden hue of the sun and the deep blue of God’s heavens, they rested.

Taylor could feel Jeremy’s eyes as he moved around the apartment. It felt good, to feel that love as it followed him all around. He knew he wasn’t a raving hunk but with Jeremy, it was as if he was the model for Adonis and it always made him smile. The way just being in the same room with Jeremy made him feel complete, feel like he belonged without having to try or to prove himself.

It never seemed to matter to Jeremy where they made love, or even how, as long as they were together and for his own piece of mind, he didn’t care either, as long as they were together, that was all he needed. They had taken turns, one weekend it would be Taylor’s turn to clean up, and the next Jeremy’s, and it worked out perfect for them. He actually enjoyed cleaning up after their Saturday mornings, because each time he wiped up or picked up a used condom he would get this tingle between his legs. Some times, he would turn to find Jeremy staring at him, a huge grin on his face while Taylor would stand there, butt naked and a used condom dangling from between his fingers.

Thinking about it, he could feel his dick stirring again and he realized that he really was feeling happy, that he had his life exactly where he wanted it, not where someone else thought it should be, but where he wanted. That was something strange for him, where he actually was making his own decisions, for his own reasons rather than in an attempt to make others happy.

Back in the old days, he was too busy trying to make others happy, teachers, friends, his father or even Billy but now, he was making himself happy. Today he made decisions on his own terms, and thinking about that, he knew that in the past, that really was all his father had wanted for him. He really had cared, had loved him enough to want him to be his own man but he had been too stubborn then to realize it. Well, maybe this coming father’s day he would have to do something to show his dad just how much his support had meant, and did mean to him.

The ringing of the telephone made him drop the dustpan and he turned to see Jeremy reaching for the offending instrument. Whoever it was, better be quick as he hated having his Saturdays interrupted by anyone, and that included his darling little brother, who seemed to take perverse delight in phoning Saturday. Mind you, he normally did that after dinner, knowing they were generally too exhausted to be engaged in any sex, but still, they could be. It really wasn’t that bad, he liked it when Billy would try to tease him and usually he phoned just to remind him about Sunday dinner at home and to make sure they were coming. He also liked to phone so he could check and see if Saturday was still as hot as Taylor told him.

“It’s your dad Tay, he sounds upset”

“Shit, really? Hmmm, okay”

“Hi Dad, what’s wrong?”

“Taylor, you use condoms , why shouldn’t I mention that, I mean he is only 17, I don’t care what he has said to you but I didn’t try to make Mike cry, it wasn’t like that and well, I needed you to hear my side too, you know how melodramatic he can be, and well…”

“Huh? What? Shit, uh geez calm down, I use condoms , what is this all about?”

“Didn’t Billy call you today?”

“No, he hasn’t, he knows better to call this early on a Saturday”

“Shit, I am sorry Taylor, it is just, well we had a big fight this morning, he thinks I tried to make Mike cry or something stupid like try to imply that they don’t really love each other”

“Come on, no way Dad, Billy wouldn’t think that, what…”

“Yes he does Taylor, I guess in a way it is my fault, I put some condoms with a note on their night tables last night, did you know your brother doesn’t use them?”

“No, I didn’t know that, are you sure?”

“Yes, and well, I guess they took the note wrong, they seemed to think that I think they are going to cheat on each other, or more likely that Mike will cheat on Billy, I don’t believe that Taylor, you know that I don’t, don’t you?”

“Uh, yes dad, I know you don’t, shit, this is confusing, man you really are steamed, but I know that you think their love is for real, why, what did you put in the note?”

“I don’t remember, nothing heavy, something like real lover’s use condoms , you two should, talk later… something like that”

“Uh, well, shit that does kind of sound a bit untrusting”

“It does? But Taylor, that isn’t what I meant, you must know that?”

“I do dad, I do, so well, what did my little bro do?”

“Oh Mike took him out for breakfast, but he had to get his two cents in, he, I can’t believe I am telling you all this, shit, I am the father, why am I feeling guilty? I didn’t do anything wrong, in fact, I think I was being a good father”

“You are a good father, sometimes us kids just don’t realize it dad, honest, I didn’t for a long time, I do now”

Seth was near tears, and Chris stood by his side now, resting his arm on Seth’s shoulder as he felt him tremble. He had half expected to hear a big battle over the phone, instead it seemed that Taylor hadn’t heard from Billy yet and instead of automatically taking Billy’s side, he seemed to be supporting his father. God, how things could change, and he felt his heart leap a little and some tears came to the corners of his eyes as he stood by his man, praying that this whole innocent misunderstanding could be headed off from being a gut buster.

“Thanks son, I needed to hear that just now”

“I meant it dad, honest”

“I know, I could tell, I am sorry to have intruded on your time, but I am worried about Billy and Mike, I think they don’t understand what I meant by leaving them the condoms ”

“I guess not, what did, uh, well, what did Billy say?”

“well, after warning me to never make Mike cry, he threw the condoms on the table and told me he didn’t need them, he had no intentions of cheating on Mike or Mike on him and then, well then he left, mind you he did promise to return to settle it all later”

“Oh shit, I can imagine that blond head of his now, he must be turning purple, but he’s wrong dad, you have to stick to your guns on this, I mean he should already know enough to be using condoms , fuck, I should have asked him myself, I am sorry”

“You are sorry? Taylor, how is this your responsibility?”

“He’s my brother dad, I should have checked, I mean you gotta admit, it is hard to talk to an adult about this stuff at times, hell it has to be hard for you guys to talk to us too, that’s why I should have taken more of an interest”

“Well bottom line is it is my job as the father, I should have done this a long time ago too, I just assumed they were using condoms , I thought they were getting them from you actually, so maybe I should have asked you too”

“Lord, we barely have enough for ourselves at times, that Jeremy is an animal at times. Haha”

“I know that feeling, Chris buys them for us and sometimes I just can’t believe how many we go through, I guess we just took it all for granted that he was getting them somewhere, and now we have to worry about Keith and Tommy too”

“Huh? Why, don’t tell me those two are humping someone?”

“I don’t know, I have this feeling they are, and I don’t think I want to handle that right now but guess Chris and I are going to, but first we have to get this settled with your two younger brothers”

“Hehe yeah I guess, uh, what about Keith and Tommy, isn’t it going to be rather difficult to have this conversation with Billy and Mike if they are around?”

“Yeah, I guess Chris is going to have to take them out somewhere once Billy and Mike get back, damn I wish, oh well, I’ll just have to do this without Chris being here”

“Why? I mean, Jer and I can come pick them up, we’ll take them out to the park or something, that way you and Chris can both talk some sense into my little bros without worrying”

“I can’t let you do that Taylor, this is Saturday, your time to be with Jeremy, not to baby-sit the youngest”

“Don’t see you running to play your golf today”

“Well that is different son, golf versus dealing with trying to keep your sons alive, that’s definitely what you kids call a no brainer, haha”

“Haha, true, but well, I am your son too, I mean, well, I am part of this family, I have responsibilities towards the family just as you do, so we’ll be there in about a half hour, okay?”

“Taylor, really, it isn’t necessary”

“I know that, half hour”

“Okay, half hour, and Taylor, thanks”

“No, it is me who should thank you dad, you really have done a lot for me, this is a small price to pay to let you know I appreciate all that you have done”

“You are making me cry Taylor, God, how did I ever mess up before, you are one terrific son, thank you”

Taylor hung up the phone and turned to find that Jeremy was handing him his boxer’s and pants already. God, what a lover he was, just from hearing the one side of the conversation, he wasn’t complaining or pouting, but was ready to go, to stand by him. It felt like heaven was indeed on earth as he kissed Jeremy hard, feeling his body crush into his own, and feeling his thick hard love tool press into his thigh.

“Thanks”

“Billy and Mike really aren’t using condoms ?”

“Yeah, can you believe that?”

“Man, no offence, but is your little brother stupid?”

“No, just in love I think”

“Still, God have they even had a test yet?”

“Shit, I don’t know, maybe I should talk to dad about that too, I mean they should be tested”

“Absolutely, well come on, where we going to take the little one’s too?”

“I don’t know, the park or something I guess”

“Hey, I know, how about that little minature golf place over on the east end? That would be fun, Keith and I could stand you and Tommy”

“Oh? Why do you get Keith and I get Tommy?”

“Haha, easy, Tommy is your youngest brother, so family should be on the same side, Keith is the in law, like me, so we should be on the same side”

“Hey, I got enough troubles with one little brother, don’t you go giving me another one to contend with”

“I think its past that Taylor”

“Come off it Jer, shit they are only 13, no way they are lovers, hell I doubt if they even know what being gay is let alone are”

“Yeah? You and Billy did when Billy was 12, and didn’t he and Mike jerk off around then too?”

“Fuck, I talk too much”

“Yeah, but you look so cute when you tell me family secrets”

“Oh shit, well, come on, I am ready”

Seth sat in the library, his head a whirl with all that had happened in such an amazing short time. First, he knew that the time for keeping everything secret from Keith and Tommy was running out, this morning’s confrontation proved that point and so he and Chris needed to consider a plan of action. The final papers for Keith’s custody transfer were only a week away, and somehow he needed to keep the lid on all this until then. That way, at least the custody issue wouldn’t be sidetracked and that was important for Chris’ sake.

Obviously, the most pressing problem was the condom issue with Billy and Mike. He knew he would have a royal battle on his hands, but he had to make Billy and Mike see it his way. There was no way he could survive their early death, not when it was in his power to prevent it. There was also a matter of testing, he knew he should have done this sooner, but he had been so caught up in the hype of the whole love affair, and at coming alive himself that he had ignored his duties.

He glanced upwards, as if the answers might be there but then he knew they weren’t and so he moved his gaze over to the wall, and there he knew he would find the strength he needed. Standing by the big bay window was Chris, lost in his own thoughts and over his shoulder, was her picture. They seemed to be together in the room, both of them pondering his situation, both of them willing to make any sacrifice for him and he felt his heart quicken a beat or two as he could feel just how much love there was here for him.

Her eyes seemed to sparkle and dance in the afternoon sunlight and by looking into them, Seth could tell that on this issue, she stood solidly with him and that he had her support. Funny, she had ceased to be on this earth many years ago, yet he knew she was still here, still watching over her brood and he could tell that so far, she was pleased with how he had coped and raised them. She even seemed to be taken with the newest members, Mike, Jeremy, and now the two young ones. Strange, he never really talked about it with her, but she had told him once, when he had been unsure of a discipline question with Taylor, that no matter what he did, as long as he did out of love for his child it would be right. Funny, she knew then how much he would need those words.

The sound of the gate alarm broke through their reverie and Chris glanced over at Seth and he could feel the strength of the man, as he gathered himself for what could be a major battle with the one son he had always admired. He knew just how much Seth had relied on Billy during that bad patch, and how much pain Billy’s words had caused him this morning. In some ways, he wanted to grab Billy and spank him, or shake him into his senses, but he knew it wasn’t his place. All he could do was be there and stand by Seth, no matter what.

Looking at the two of them this morning, he had seen an uncanny resemblance. Both of them were headstrong beyond belief, especially when it came to something they were passionate about and he doubted if there existed anything in the entire world that Billy was more committed to than Mike. This was shaping up to be a major confrontation and he just wished he could find the words to ease the whole thing. Seth didn’t doubt in the love that was between Billy and Mike, he just wanted to keep that love alive.

Deep inside, Chris knew that Seth and Billy would work this out, he knew that Billy once calmed down, would realize that his father only had not just his best interest at heart, but also that of Mike. All he had to do was search his heart and he would know, but still the whole idea of a confrontation was frightening to him. He stared out the huge bay window wondering how he would handle this type of conversation when it came to Keith and Tommy.

He shivered a little and then wondered why he even thought that there was something between Tommy and his son? Surely, their friendship wasn’t sexual, least not yet and he doubted if either of the two young boys could fathom the concept of love and sexual preferences. Hell, he was only just beginning to figure out what it meant when someone was in love, how the hell could 13 year olds understand it.

“Bit early for that to be Taylor”

“Uh huh, looks like Mike’s truck actually”

“Well, guess you better go and make sure that Keith and Tommy are well out of shouting distance”

“Seth, wait for Taylor, I should be here with you, I mean…”

“Thanks Chris, I would have preferred that too, however guess it isn’t to be, so if you don’t mind”

Chris could feel the steel in Seth’s voice and his heart was doing flip-flops. This was the man at his lawyer best, but this wasn’t the time or place for that. If Seth didn’t bend, he could risk losing his most precious gift, the chance at being a part of the lives of two very loving young men.

“Seth, if you treat this like one of your court cases, you may win the battle but you will lose the war, please, talk to them like the loving man you are, not like the lawyer on a crusade”

At the start, he could feel his heart being shut off, being closed but the combination of looking into Chris’ eyes and the words were too much for him. His mechanism that had cost him so much before was suddenly halted, the pain of those years when he wandered the halls aimlessly suddenly loomed before him again and he felt his body shaking in trepidation.

Chris could see the doubts inside of Seth and he walked over from the window. He placed his hand gently on Seth’s shoulder and felt the man trembling beneath his touch. His heart ached for the tall strong man who meant the world to him.

The solid steel shield that he used to use to keep his heart safe, had stopped before it could close him off, the tears rolled down his cheeks as he relived that last months, the joy he had felt each time he had seen Billy’s face glowing from some word or deed from Mike, or the way he had cried when Mike had declared his love for Billy and asked for his hand, it all flowed past him now and he knew that no matter what, he couldn’t allow those to be the last of his joy.

“I guess you are right, but Chris, I love them so much, I can’t afford to lose either, not the battle or the war, I couldn’t live if I lost either.”

“I know Seth, I am beginning to realize just how much being a parent means, how much love it does take, and I know that you have that love, just let them see it, like I see it now, just be yourself, be honest and speak from your heart.”

“Don’t you think I know that Chris? It is just, after so many years of not being a parent, of just being a lawyer, it is hard to do, and I know I love them, I just don’t know how to make them see it”

“You can’t make them see it Seth, you can only hope they will feel it. Hell, I don’t know the answers, I am newer to this than you, but I just know that there seems to come a time when we have to just trust in their judgements, trust that they will understand we do love them and that is why we do the things we do, maybe that is all we can do, have trust in the love that exists between a parent and their child”

“Maybe Chris, maybe, but it is hard to just have blind faith like that, I know they are smart, and yes, I know they love me but is that going to be enough? That is what gets me, is love enough to get you through all this? I don’t know anymore, I don’t know if I ever knew…”

“I don’t either, but the alternative is worse, I guess I’d rather trust in my love for someone than in their ability to think rationally or to be able to reason it out, I mean how can anyone think rationally when they are consumed by the rage of their hormones? Can a person’s mind stop you from engaging in intercourse or can your love hold you in check until you get the protection?

To me, I think that it is automatic with us, we always seem to find a way to reach those little packages, and I don’t know about you, but for me it seems to fit into what I am feeling for you at the time. I mean, when I have been with others, in my foolish years, it was always hard for me to use protection, it was a chore, a task, and yet it has never felt like that with you, I mean, …shit, does this make any sense?”

“Yeah it does, I just wonder if Billy and Mike can feel that way?”

“They love each other Seth, they will, I guess, well, I guess it is up to you to show them that, to make them understand”

Seth sat there, his eyes still misted as he thought about all that Chris had said. He was right too, back when he first had married Billy’s mom, they had used condoms because they didn’t feel ready to start a family. Thinking about that time, he realized that he couldn’t even recall how long they used condoms , it never seemed to be a problem, he used them because the person he loved had asked, that was all it had taken.

Back then it was for birth control more than anything else and yet he never really used them when a teenager or college student. He had the notion they ruined the sensation but with Chrissy, he didn’t even offer token resistance, she asked, he complied. His memory couldn’t dredge up anything that would lead credence to his old stance, because the sex with Chrissy was never boring, never dulled or routine and from day one with her, he never felt anything but complete satisfaction. Chris was right, if you loved someone using a condom didn’t interfere one bit, but how does he let Billy and Mike know that?

“You are right, I never really think about them, it is like using a condom is merely a part of the foreplay, the final part just before that best part, and if I think about it Chris, it sort of makes the sex even more intense, the feelings are all heightened when my hand reaches for that condom , like it actually trembles because in reaching for it, my heart seems to know what comes next, sort of like the sounding of trumpets before the big event”

“Oh God, trumpets? Haha, you know Seth, the way you looked when you said that, it looked like an older version of Billy for a second, and it sure as hell sounded like something he would say too”

“Haha, yeah well tell him that, not me”

Before Chris could answer, the gate alarm sounded once more and both of them stared off towards the window. The time had passed quickly since Billy and Mike had arrived, and yet they hadn’t heard a sound from them, and now Taylor had arrived. Seth was relieved, because at least now Chris could be there, and he felt like maybe he had a chance now, maybe the fates would be kind to him this day.

“Well, looks like all the players are here, guess its showtime, Chris, you want to go get Keith and Tommy?”

“Okay Seth, it’ll be okay”

“I almost believe you Chris, we’ll sure as hell give it our best”

“I know”

Seth sat in the big armchair; his mind playing over all that he and Chris had talked while he waited for his son and his son’s lover to finally come to face him. He knew that it would still be a few minutes, while Chris readied the two younger boys and Taylor took them away but at least he would have Chris here with him.

Billy and Mike sat in the kitchen, both of them still unsure of what lay before them. Billy had barely eaten, his anger still raging inside and Mike still felt like he had dropped the ball in a championship game, only that this was a game much more important than some football championship. How could Seth think he would cheat on Billy? He had to know how much they loved each other and it hurt deeply that somehow, someway, he had failed to show that to the one person who meant the world to him, next to Billy that is.

Billy could feel Mike’s pain and hurt and he couldn’t ease it. He felt so lost, so alone that it hurt him. His stomach ached and he kept feeling like he wanted to throw up. How dare his father do this to him, didn’t he understand that they weren’t just horny teenagers but two people totally in love? How could he, after all they had gone through, do something like question his love for Mike or Mike’s love for him? condoms , hell, he didn’t need any condom for protection, Mike was his protector, which was good enough for him.

Neither of them spoke much, both were subdued by the whole episode and Billy had never felt this way around Mike before. He wanted to reach out and hold him and yet at the same time he wanted to be in Mike’s arms, to feel his strength protecting him. Damn, this wasn’t how he wanted to spend this weekend and he also was afraid, scared of what might happen between him and his father. He didn’t want to make a choice, but if it came to that he knew where his heart and soul rested.

It wasn’t fair, why should he have to be thinking all these thoughts, not after all the whole family had gone through and now, just when things seemed to be going good, bang, this had to happen. It was like a conspiracy, one destined to keep him in perpetual sorrow and grief, with only an occasional burst of joy, just so he could feel even worse when that bubble of joy was burst.

Billy gritted his teeth and looked up at Mike. Well, fuck fate, fuck it all, he wanted Mike, he needed Mike and nothing was going to fuck with that, not fate, not his father, nothing. His chest was heaving and he could feel his heart pounding faster as he started to stand up, to take Mike and head into the lion’s den and confront his father. No way was he going to go peacefully, there would be nothing that his father could say, do, or threaten that would make him stop loving Mike.

Mike saw Billy standing up and he could see the fire in his eyes. The blue no longer was at peace but was a raging fire that he knew was due to him. He couldn’t let Billy confront his dad, not in this state and yet he was at a loss at how to prevent it. He loved Billy and he knew that Billy would walk away from his whole family for him, but that it would also destroy him. He couldn’t let his failure ruin Billy’s chances for happiness, not if he truly loved him.

He knew that he had to find a way to postpone this, to let Billy cool down and to let Seth think it all over. Maybe if he talked to Seth alone, maybe he could find out what he had done or not done that made Seth think he would cheat, then maybe he could assure him how wrong he was, maybe he could defuse it that way, he had to try something.

“Billy, where you going?”

“To get this over with”

“Not like that you aren’t”

“Why not? He wants a fight, well I’ll give him one”

“You don’t know he wants to fight, come on Billy, your dad loves you, he’s only doing what any loving parent would do”

“No he isn’t, he should know how we feel about each other”

“Well, yeah I guess, but maybe he sees something we don’t, maybe I did something that he mistook, at least we owe him the chance to explain”

“Why are you defending him? You don’t think he’s right do you? I mean, you don’t think I would cheat on you…”

“Of course not, don’t be stupid”

“Then why? Why are you so insistent that we let this slide for now?”

“I am not saying we should let this slide totally, just that we cool down some first, especially you, you know how your temper is”

“I know, but he is wrong, we can’t just wait on this”

“We should, at least until when Keith and Tommy aren’t around, God Billy, what they must be thinking now, never mind if you get into a hollering match with your dad now”

“Well that’s his problem, not mine”

“No, it is yours and mine too, after all, we are a part of this family aren’t we?”

“He doesn’t seem to think we will be for long”

“I don’t know, maybe there is more to this, I mean think about it Billy, he’s the one who convinced my Mom and Dad to let me spend time here, then he convinced them to let me live here while they went to Europe on that job thing, so cut him some slack, I mean he has stood by us before”

“Yeah, but not now it seems”

“Billy, come on, you don’t want to freak Keith and Tommy out, and what about Chris? I mean, there is more here than just our feelings you know”

“So, but yeah I suppose”

The sound of two car doors slamming shut made both Billy and Mike turn towards the kitchen door. They hadn’t heard the gate alarm ringing and the sound of a vehicle in the driveway was a complete surprise. Billy had his hands resting on the kitchen table and he was standing facing the door when he saw the two tall young figures approaching.

“It’s Taylor and Jeremy”

Mike twisted around in his chair and he saw the blond head of Taylor as it walked up towards the back door. He could see Jeremy next to him and his heart kind of beat a little faster. Looking at Taylor, he saw an older Billy and it was uncanny how all of them looked alike, when they were on a mission of importance. They all had the set facial features; the determined look that made their face look like it had been chiselled out of granite. The eyes bore into his face as Taylor walked in to the kitchen and Mike could see the steel in them, just as he could in Billy’s or for that matter, Seth’s.

“Tay, what are you doing here?”

“Came to pick up the little ones, just not sure though who really are the young kids, Keith and Tommy or you two”

“Huh? Hey, wait a second Taylor”

“God little bro, I thought you were smarter, what happen? You take some stupid pills or something?”

“Taylor, what is your problem man, Billy hasn’t done anything”

“Oh? And what about you jock boy? I thought you loved my little brother here?”

“FUCK OFF, I DO, YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT”

“DO I? THEN WHAT IS THIS SHIT ABOUT condoms ?”

“HOW THE FUCK? SHIT YOU BEEN TALKING TO DAD?”

“HEY! You guys cool it man, shit Taylor, cool off, you too Mike, Billy, and stop acting like you are all 8 years old”

“Well he started it Jeremy, shit, you know damn well Mike loves me Taylor, don’t you start questioning it too, I don’t care what he says or you, I love Mike, we aren’t going to cheat on each other, so we don’t need condoms ”

“What? Where do you get this shit from? God, you really are blond Billy”

“Taylor fuck off, okay? I don’t need your sarcasm now, and if you can’t support me and Mike now, well fuck you then”

“Billy, Taylor supports you, hell he loves you otherwise why would we be here on a Saturday?”

“Well he’s got a funny way of showing it, coming in here yelling, telling me and Mike we don’t love each other, what do you expect me to do? Hug him?”

“Yes, because he is here to help, shit, this isn’t about either of you cheating, its about keeping you alive”

“Huh?”

“Christ Billy, I love you, you know that, but damn it, at times I just want to kick your little behind, yours too Mike”

“What did we do? We love each other, why should that make anyone want to kick our butts, and you can try Taylor, but I am not 12 anymore”

“No? You sure are acting like it, so are you Mike”

“Taylor, look, Billy and I have had a rough morning, I don’t know what I did that makes everything think I won’t be faithful, I love him Taylor, I’d kill anyone who tried to harm him, why can’t anyone believe that?”

Mike sat down, his head buried in his arms as the tears and sobs came flooding out. He loved Billy so much but everyone seemed to think he was only in this for the sex. He wasn’t, he loved him, why couldn’t they see that? What was he doing wrong that they couldn’t see?

Billy ran to where Mike was sitting and he bent down, kissing Mike’s wet cheek and holding his shoulders. He could feel each gut wrenching sob as it passed through Mike’s body and the anger and rage grew deeper inside of him as he held his love, the one person who made him feel totally whole, totally complete. Fuck them all, he thought as he waited for Mike to once more regain his control.

(s) What’s going on in here?

(t) Dad, sorry, I was trying to…

(b) Are you happy now dad? You got Taylor on your side, and now…

(m) Don’t Billy, please, it isn’t their fault

(b) Yes it is, please Mike, don’t cry

(m) Sorry, I am okay

(s) Will someone tell me what is going on here? How is this my fault Billy?

(j) Uh, I think we all need to calm down here, come on Mike, we all know you love Billy, it isn’t that we think you would cheat on him, right Tay?

(t) Of course not, I know that Mike, shit Billy you know how much I admire the love you and Mike have, this isn’t about that, and dad is only trying to help, honest

(b) Help? By making, us feel dirty? Like we are just a couple of horn dogs?

(ch) don’t blame your dad Billy, I am the one who told him you didn’t seem to be using condoms , he only wants to protect you both, this isn’t about not loving each other, honest, it is about loving each other

(b) Your fault? Why? I have been nice to you, why would you…”

(s) William, stop it

(b) Stop what?

(s) Stop acting like a child, I have no fears that you or mike would ever cheat on each other, this isn’t about that, its about protection from aids, from all that other stuff that is out there, God, don’t you think that by now I know how much you love each other?

(b) Then, but how else would we get that stuff? No, you are just using that as an excuse

(t) Geez Billy, you are a real blond, fuck don’t you know that you can get aids for years after being exposed to it?

(m) You can?

(j) Yes Mike, you can have the virus, well the HIV virus for years and years and never feel sick, but each time you cum , you are spreading it, didn’t they teach that in sex ed?

(m) I guess, I never really listened, so this isn’t about me being unfaithful?

(s) God no son, yes Mike, son, you are as much a son to me as either of these two dunderheads, so is Jeremy but at least I got me one smart kid out of four, well, six now, but the jury is out on those younger ones

(t) Shit, come here to help and all I get is insulted, first my dumb ass younger bro wants to have a fight, now my dad thinks I am a dunderhead, shit I knew we should have just stayed home and fucked Jer

(j) Yeah, maybe, but we are here now

(t) We could go use the apartment while these guys look for their brains

(j) Be a long search

(s) Okay, okay, we get the message, Billy, Mike, I never meant to hurt either of you, my God son, I love you so much it hurts me at times, you too Michael, maybe I didn’t handle this right…

(t) Boy is that an understatement

(s) No comments from the penis gallery

(t) Damn

(ch) Billy, all your father and I wanted to do was make sure you were protecting yourselves from disease, not from what either of you may do tomorrow, but from before, when you two weren’t together

(b) I still don’t get it; I was not some slut before

(m) I hardly knew about sex until Billy

(s) The thing is boys, you did have sex before each other, the risks are there, and I… well I would hate myself if I didn’t at least try to make you see that

(k) Why is everyone yelling in here?

Everyone’s heads turned towards the doorway, where Keith and Tommy both stood. Seth could see the fear etched in both boys’ faces, and his heart leapt in pain. How could he cause so much pain by trying to simply be a good father? This was too much and he felt his own heart beating erratically, as if it was about to burst. The colour was draining from his face and he turned towards Chris who had the same look on his face.

(ch) Uh, we aren’t yelling Keith, just uh, having a spirited debate on something, uh, look why don’t you two come with me, I think I need to talk to you guys while these guys finish their little discussion.

(k) We do something wrong?

(ch) of course not, come on, we’ll go up to your room and talk

(tmy) sure? We have really tried to be good, honest,

(s) It’s okay Tommy, no you boys have been very well behaved, just some of us older ones have been a little out of sorts, you two go with Chris

(t) Why don’t you go too Dad? Let me talk with these two for a bit, brother to brother so to speak

(s) You sure? I mean, well, Chris?

(ch) I could use your company

(s) Well, okay, but Billy

(b) Yes?

(s) I didn’t mean it to be like this, I am sorry, I guess I should have either waited till you both woke up this morning, or maybe wakened you both up and talked to you then, I am sorry for not being clearer

(b) Well…

(m) Geez Billy, thanks dad, I am glad it wasn’t what I thought

(s) Mike… well, uh, I’ll talk to you both in a bit, okay Chris, I am all yours for the moment it seems

(ch) great, okay come on you two munchkins, let’s leave these guys and go up to your room for a few minutes

Chris headed out the entranceway, the two younger boys in front of him, but both of them kept glancing back into the kitchen, fear still showing in their young innocent faces. Seth could see the concern in Chris’ face and it looked like they were about to enter another ticklish situation. Guess today was the day for it but then it had to come eventually, he only wished it didn’t come on the heels of this mess.

Seth stopped just before he was out of the kitchen and he turned to find his eyes automatically locked into the shimmering blue eyes of his youngest son. It was all there, the anger, the fear, the love, the passion, the doubts, all of it inside of his son, and all he wanted to do was to reach out and hug him, to hold him to his breast and tell him it would all be okay, that he was loved beyond measure. His eyes watered as he felt Billy’s soul, felt the raw edges and he knew that despite his outward anger, his uncertainty, that his son did love him. That was really all he needed to know and he could feel his own love, touching Billy’s and he straightened his shoulders and went to face the next obstacle.

Billy watched his father leave the kitchen, his heart torn between wanting to run after him and hug him, to crawling under the table and just hiding. How could he have been so wrong? How could he have been so angry when really it was out of love that his father had left the condoms and notes? Damn, maybe Taylor was right, maybe he was acting like a baby instead of a man.

(t) Well, now that they are gone, how about it bro? We gonna talk or yell?

(b) Talk I guess, I really thought…

(m) It was my fault, I am the one who started it, I should have known your dad wouldn’t think like that

(b) God, I am the one who should have know, I am sorry Mike

(m) It’s okay, I still am not sure about this condom stuff, I mean do you really think we need to use them all the time Taylor?

(b) Yeah, I mean it is hard enough to hold back sometimes, how do you manage to keep, well, you know, I mean do you guys use condoms all the time?

(j) I wouldn’t have sex with Taylor if he didn’t use one, and I love him too much not to always use one Billy, so yeah, we do and I don’t know how we do it, I mean, I never really think about it actually, do you Tay?

(t) Not really, I mean when we do that thing with the teeth I do, I mean that is such a turn on, but no I guess I really never do think about it otherwise, I just reach for one, Christ, we got them in dishes all over the place

(j) Oh God yes, you have been over Billy, you have seen all the dishes with the condoms in them

(b) yeah, I thought that was for when you had company over

(t) Company? Haha, not likely, I ain’t sharing this hunk with anyone, and they can get their own condoms , besides, we don’t have those kind of friends

(m) I still don’t see why we should be worrying about this, I mean neither of us fooled around a lot before we, well, before we became married

Billy reached over and kissed Mike on the cheek. He held his hand on the table, and felt slowly like he was returning to normal

(m) I liked that

(b) Me too, and that was for saying we are married

(m) But we are

(b) I know, still its nice to hear you say in front of others

(m) I’ll remember that

(b) Cool

(j) Good thing the old guys aren’t here, we’d have a love fest going

(b) Haha, yeah with you leading the way big bro

(t) Me? No, I think that has been your role in this family Billy, God you really don’t realize how much you and Mike both inspire all of us

(b) Come on, I do not

(m) No way Taylor

(j) Yes way, I have never seen so much love in one place as I do each time I come here

(t) That is for sure, and you do Billy, God I would hate to think of how it would be if you hadn’t shown me how much fun it could be to be in love, Hell, I know I would never have had the courage to move in with Jeremy if it hadn’t been for the way you and Mike took on the adults and got your way. And look at how you changed dad so much, shit he’s like the dad from old, always laughing, joking, having fun, and its all because of you two, so excuse us if we get a bit pissed when you do something stupid like you did today

(b) But we thought, shit Tay, I don’t know, I mean how can we be at risk? Christ, the only person other than Mike that I have had sex with was you, so…

(t) Yeah, but you weren’t the only person I was having sex with, and to be honest, I don’t even remember their names, let alone who they had sex with, so it is serious stuff, I mean you slept with me, but I slept with others, so I guess in reality, each time you had sex with me, you were also having sex with all those others too

(j) and all those that they had sex with, if you think about it Billy, when you have unprotected sex with one person, you really are having sex with a ton of other people you don’t even know

(t) Exactly, that is what has dad all concerned, I mean shit Billy, do you know how it would make him feel if you got sick because of not using a condom ?

(b) Well, no, I never thought of it like that, but I mean Taylor that was years ago now

(t) Doesn’t matter bro, some of this shit can stay buried in you for ages, I heard once that it could be as much as 14 years or so, and even then they weren’t sure

(m) 14 years? Fuck, that is a long time

(j) Yes, it is, and what about you Mike? Billy certainly wasn’t your first

(m) Uh, well yeah, he was my first guy

(t) So you had sex with a girl?

(m) Yes, it wasn’t fun, besides I sort of had to, so no one would start thinking I was gay.

(j) Was she a virgin?

(m) Haha, yeah right, not a chance man, she was a real experienced girl.

(t) Well then, when you had sex with her, you had sex with all of those guys too

(b) Hey, that means I wasn’t your first.

(m) Yeah, I guess so, but you at least were my first who was there at the time

(b) Haha, sure of that?

(m) You…

(t) Thing is Billy, each time you sleep with Mike, you are sleeping with all of those guys too, just as each time he does it with you, he is sleeping with me and all the partners I had before I wised up, thanks to Jeremy

(b) I never thought about it like that, shit, but a condom is so, well it doesn’t feel as good

(j) Bullshit, it maybe different at first, but hell, it can be a lot of fun too, I mean you can really enjoy putting one on, I mean, Taylor really makes me hot when he rolls it down my dick slowly, it is like, well, I can’t explain it, but it is sort of like he’s unrolling his love for me, and well, fuck you get the picture

(t) If they don’t, they just have to look at my crotch or yours right now, God you are a horny thing aren’t you Jeremy?

(j) Yeah well, it is Saturday, isn’t it?

(t) Yep it is, guess maybe we should do something about that tent pole down there?

(j) And just where did you have in mind?

(t) Well personally, I’d love to do it right here on the table, but I would hate to corrupt these two rookies,

(m) Rookies? Hey bub, we ain’t no rookies, just old fashioned but catching up real fast… uh Taylor, can you get us the condoms if we give you the money?

(t) Sure, but why not just add them to the grocery list and let Chris or the old man get them

(b) Oh right, I can see him at the corner A&P throwing in the prime rib roast and then a case or two of condoms

(t) Lordy, that would be fun to see wouldn’t it? Haha

(m) Oh God yes, maybe we should Billy?

(b) Hell, why not, besides if he objects, we could use it to get a raise in our allowances

(t) Now, see Jeremy? That is my brother, always thinking ahead

(j) Sounds good to me, hey, maybe if we all pool our needs, we can have Seth get us a group discount?

(m) Well I know I am going to make sure Chris has some of my trust account invested in condom stocks, they are bound to go up if Billy and I use as many as I think we will be

(b) Hey, if it is as much fun as these two say, it’ll be more often

(j) Think I’ll invest too, we could make a killing on the market

(t) Shit, what a bunch of money hungry people, I don’t care what price the stock goes to, as long as I don’t have my Saturday interrupted again, got that little bro?

(b) Hey, don’t yell at me, blame the Senator, he’s the one who called you

(t) Yeah, and I am glad he did

(m) Me too, right Billy?

(b) Yeah, right, guess I owe him a big apology, don’t I Tay?

(t) Yep, and maybe a hug too?

(m) Me too, I really owe him so much, you too Taylor, Jeremy, thanks guys

They sat around the table for a few more minutes before it was too much for Jeremy and Taylor. They were just too much into their Saturday ritual and so they said goodbye quickly and headed out the door. Billy had tears in his eyes that Mike gently wiped away and they hugged each other, wondering how the other talk was going.

The morning had started off great, until they found the notes, now they sat at the kitchen table, a box of unopened condoms between them, a parting gift from Jeremy, and their eyes were sparkling, as both of them were thinking of how they would soon be using them. Mike could hardly wait, his mind was thinking about how it would feel to roll the thin plastic down Billy’s throbbing dick and his body was already aching in anticipation. Billy was thinking of how it would feel to have Mike sliding into him, the thin ribbed plastic pressing up against his insides and his body was quivering in eager excitement.

Together they sat there, their one hand each resting across the table, their fingers just touching, tip to tip, while underneath the box of condoms rested, feeling warm to the their touch, and flashes of blue and green passed between them as they became lost in each other, and once more felt the joy of being together in this house.