Chapter 27

Taylor sat very still as he looked into Jeremy’s eyes. He could see the unbelievable amount of pain that was there, the deep dread that once Jeremy finished, that he, Taylor, would cease to love him. Fear was gnawing at his own heart, as he considered all that could be kept so secret and while he searched for something that would revolt him so much that he would leave Jeremy, he reached out to hold Jeremy’s hands in his own.

His mind dredged up a thousand scenarios; each one more horrid than the previous one; yet his heart said no, that wouldn’t be enough to make him leave Jeremy’s side. Looking at the young man, seated in front of him, he could feel the fear, and as he moistened his lips, he could even taste the fear that seemed to have invaded this room.

Anger flashed through him, not at Jeremy, but at the unnamed problem because this room should never have fear or pain cross its threshold. This was their sanctuary, where they should only know love, passion and not dread. He hated whatever it was that had brought such sorrow to Jeremy and yet all he could do was sit there, and listen, and hope.

“Jer, you don’t have to do this, you know”

Jeremy barely heard Taylor’s softened voice as he spoke. The sounds of his heart beating like a race horse was deafening to him, and his soul was being buried by the dark clouds of his fears and his certain knowledge that once he finished, he would once more be alone in a cruel world that had little tolerance for homosexuals. His own family had shown him that, as had his church and his friends, even college had been no fountain of tolerance.

He couldn’t even bear to look at Taylor, the vision of him racked by his concern was too much for even his tortured heart. His whole body shook as his mind continued to press him, continued to draw him towards confessing all of his young life. The dread was over powering as he sat there, chilled by the certain knowledge that Taylor would leave.

It was hard for him to accept that love could really make a difference. He knew in his heart that what he felt for Taylor, he would never feel for another living human being, and even though deep in the chambers of his heart, he thought Taylor loved him, also believing that real love couldn’t be for someone like him.

Hearing Taylor offering him a lifeline, a way out, was tempting but his mind knew that all that would do would delay the inevitable. He knew that eventually the truth would have to come out, either when he wasn’t ready or when it would be only worse. His love for Taylor couldn’t let that happen, he couldn’t go on pretending and hurting the one person who he had come to really love. No, he had to simply face it, he was destined for a life of meaningless sex and a life of empty lonely nights. The only bright spot, he would always have the memories of his brief time when even he dreamed that love would conquer all.

“Thanks Taylor, but no, might as well get it all over with now, it’ll come out eventually, better now than later as at least it will spare you more anger, and who knows, maybe you won’t hate me so much if I at least tell you now”

“Jeremy, you don’t get it, I love you, I am not going to hate you, and I don’t care about what happened before me, I am not in love with the things you did two or three or however many years ago, I love you for you, who you are, but if, well, if you think I need to know, then I’ll listen, but I swear, I loved you yesterday Jeremy, I love you now, and I know I will still love you tomorrow.”

Tears rolled down both boy’s faces as they sat there, neither able to make eye contact. Taylor’s face was constricted by the deep pain he was feeling, not his own pain but the pain that was consuming his lover, and his inability, for now, to help ease it. The frustration was almost too much but as his hands tightened on the cold shaking hands of Jeremy, his heart started to slowly reach out. Somehow, he knew that this was to be a defining moment in his life and he said a small silent prayer, asking for help from a God he had rarely spoken to, rarely acknowledged.

The loss of his mother was one thing, he had been angry and hurt beyond words by that, and while he knew it wasn’t God’s fault, he still had been angry. Maybe he would have gotten over that, but the sudden loss of his father too, was just too much. While his mother had been both physical as well as spiritual, the withdrawal of his Father had been more devastating to him. He had faced him each day, seeing his pain, feeling his own grief and yet they were like two sinking ships, each one looking to the other for rescue, each one gradually getting lower in the water, their lifeboats still attached, still dangling waiting for some word, some signal.

His youth had been ripped away from him, he had nowhere to turn and instead of finding comfort in the arms of his father, he felt himself adrift, alone in a world that simply didn’t care. It had its own business to take care of, and yet he needed something to hold onto. God had simply disappeared for him, had vanished in a puff of smoke. With one call late at night, he had his whole world destroyed and he had no idea what he had done to deserve such punishment.

When he would see his father then, he could only see the solid wall that stood between them. When he spoke to him, all he could hear was the dead voice, the flat tones of indifference, too young to realize that it was the defence system of a breaking heart. His youth was gone then, he had wandered aimlessly, angry at the bastard who took his mother, angry at the type of world that let people like that near people like his mother, angry at a God who would take something so precious and in return leave him nothing but his anger and gut wrenching pain.

He had tried, least in his mind he had, but it hadn’t worked out. Talks with the family priest had yielded him nothing but disdain for religion. How could a God that loved, take away his love, take away the person who made his very life feel important just to make himself happy? How dare the priest tell him that she was in a better place, wasn’t that place to be with him and his father and his younger brother? How could God, who loved, reach down and take what was his? That wasn’t a God of love and yet now, here at this moment in time he reached out one more time, to the God he didn’t know, to the Supreme Being that held his life in his hands.

Maybe if he could have talked with his father, told him how hurt he felt, how angry he was, he wouldn’t have lost so much, maybe he wouldn’t have had to resort to wild behaviour, stupid decisions to get through the pain. If they could have just once, sat down and cried on each other’s shoulders he wouldn’t have felt so alone, so unwanted, or so guilty.

His heart heavy with fear, he glanced upwards briefly, asking God to please not take this too from him, begging a God he had lost faith in to reach down and let him have this one chance at regaining some of his happiness, to let him not be so alone in a cruel and uncaring world.

The dread that had been flowing into his heart, trying to surround and strangle his soul slowly started to stop its relentless march to overtake him. He could feel a strange calm entering his shaking young body and the tears in his eyes started to grow more intense and yet the flame deep within him seemed to be gaining strength. His hands held Jeremy’s tight as he waited, knowing that somehow, this time would be different.

With one more brief glance heavenwards, he gathered himself together. Silently, he begged a God who he had felt had abandoned him, to reach down just this once and not take from him what he loved, what he so desperately needed. He prayed that this time, God would give him the strength he needed to hold onto Jeremy, the only person who had managed to reach past his grief and touch his heart. Offering no bargain, no deal, he asked God for this favour, just as any young grief stricken child would ask of his father. It was all he had, as he waited for Jeremy to tell him his secret.

Jeremy could feel the silence weighed heavy on his body. His heart ached from its pressure, his soul groaned with its burden and felt a deep fear of impending doom as he struggled to begin. Taylor’s words had hit him hard, he knew they were words, but something inside of him wished he could believe them, while his mind told him they were only words.

He wished he could pray, but he had long since used up any hope that God would come to his aid. The harsh words of his family’s priest had set that score straight, telling him that unless he repented his blasphemous sins that he would be doomed to a life of eternal damnation had stuck with him.

There had been times when he would cry out to God, begging him to help him, desperately seeking him but never getting an answer. The priest had been right, he was an evil person, he had betrayed all that God had asked, so that now he was doomed to suffer through a mortal world devoid of any hope or salvation for the likes of him.

Yet he could feel deep in his soul that it just wasn’t true, that somewhere, there was someone for him and that his love for another male wasn’t his ruination. Something made him want another man, something had made him be this way, but the priest had said it was the work of the devil, but surely if God was all powerful, how could the devil hold such power? Surely if God had meant for all man to love and have carnal knowledge with only women, he would not have such a burning desire to feel another man’s touch, a deep urge to hold another man’s head in his arms? How could God have created those feelings and then reject him for acting on them?

Maybe it was true, what the Priest had said, that he was destined to wander the earth alone just as the Jews were to wander the world aimlessly, lost to God. The man had said, that it had been his choice, that it had been his own free will that had chosen this path and that he could not enter God’s world until he repented his choice, until he changed his path and walked the path of the Lord, just as the Jews would have to do in order to gain the grace of God.

Yet, while his mind accepted this condemnation, his heart fought it. How could a race of people be condemned? The priest said it was due to their turning their backs on Christ, for their part in crucifying him, yet if God was a God of Love, how could he be so cruel to his own children? How could God condemn him for choosing to be with another man, when it was God who gave him these feelings, these desires?

His parents were religious people, hell even ‘HE’ was too and yet how could they be right, and he be condemned to wander the world alone and empty? How could God only love those who worshipped him if his love was unconditional? He was confused and frightened by all that had been told him. The harsh words that it was his choice, that he had been the one who had chosen this path of homosexuality and that unless he changed that which burned in his heart and soul, he would be unwelcome in the arms of the Lord had sent him into a world where nothing mattered.

The hopelessness had almost covered him, almost consumed him totally as he looked downwards, unable to even try to plead one more time with a God who had turned a deaf ear to his pleas, simply because he was gay. His life no longer had meaning or purpose not because he had nothing to contribute but because the stain of being a homosexual tarnished him.

Devoid of hope, his pained voice began to finally reveal his evil to the one person he had hoped to have spared such knowledge from. All good things had to end, and now it was time for his joy at being with Taylor to come to its ordained end.

“There was this guy, a long time back I guess, when I was maybe seven or eight..”

“Jeremy, really…”

“No, please, I have to get this out, please”

“Okay, but…”

“No, just let me do this, my way please”

Taylor merely nodded, his eyes flowing with his tears, his lap already drenched by his rivers of tears.

“This guy, he was my dad’s age, and he was their friend, he would always be at our house, I used to call him ‘Uncle’ and all that. It never really seemed wrong, he would baby-sit me when my folks went out and it was fun having him around. He always played with me, made me feel special, like I meant something to him”

“Jer, come on, you…”

“Look, you are smart, you know where this is going, but just let me tell it, please?”

“Yeah… okay”

“It never really was much, just that he would always help me get ready for bed, even when my folks were home, he would offer to help and what did I know, I mean it was nice having this big strong adult carry me up the stairs, swinging me around to lay me on the bed and tuck me in.

He just would take my clothes off, always smiling, always tickling me as he pulled my pants off and my underwear. It never really meant much to me, I mean shit I hadn’t a clue to what a hard on was or sex, I was 7 or 8, but I did know it felt kind of nice.

He would always tuck me in, his hand fondling my little dick, rubbing the palm of his hand along it, telling me I was his special boy, telling me that I should have been his son.”

“Fuck”

“I guess it all changed once I started to get erections. I mean I don’t know, it was maybe when I was 11 or so, and I was kind of used to my ‘Uncle’ tucking me in, rubbing his hand over my crotch.

It changed when I started getting stiff, he would rub his hand over me and my dick would get hard, and he would look at it and smile, telling me I was really becoming a big boy.

Do you know how nice that feels? To have some adult tell you that you are special, better than all the others?”

“Yeah, I do”

“Yeah, I guess, but you see it was different for me. I was scrawny and I never was good at sports or school. Most of the kids would poke fun at me, cause I used to trip a lot, and my dad was this big high school baseball hero. He had been in little league, had done a whole bunch of stuff so when I tried, and failed, he started to spend less time with me.

It was my ‘Uncle’ who spent time with me, playing catch with me in the backyard or taking me to games where I could watch. Hell he even took me out to play, became a coach just so he could have me on his team, and he always told me that, always reminded me how much he was doing for me, so when he started to touch me more and more, I thought it was because he really liked me, that it was normal.

It was like he was my father, instead of my real one, and he would have me spend time at his place, with his kids and even there, he would seem to make me feel like I really was special, more than his own boys who never really liked me, or even talked much with me.”

“Where they older?”

“Huh? Oh, he had one girl and one boy, the boy was a year older I think, I don’t really know”

“Oh…”

“It was strange Taylor, I would spend time there, bunk with his son and he would tuck us both in. His own son too, but he always spent more time with me it seemed, and it felt good, to have this big adult tucking me in, touching me which really did feel kind of nice, I mean what did I know about sex? All I knew was that when he touched me, my little dick stood up straight, and it felt different, all warm and stuff.”

“As I got older, he started doing more things to me, he would start to rub me harder, make me squirm and at times it even hurt, specially when he would stick his fingers in my ass, I didn’t know what it was, he would just tell me that it was to make sure I was okay, but he would get this sort of glazed look on his face then, and it scared me at times.

The touching didn’t feel good anymore, but when I would say it hurt, or it felt bad, he would look at me all hurt and upset, like I had been mean to him and he would tell me that if I didn’t love him then he would stop. Shit, how could I tell him that? I did love him, he was my father more than my real father was.

My first fishing trip had been with him, my first camping trip had been with him and his family, and my father kept telling me how lucky I was that my ‘uncle’ let me go with him, that he had so much other things to do and so how could I not let him touch me? ”

“He really played you, course you couldn’t not,”

“Yeah, well I should have, I don’t know, but it got worse as I got older. He would make me cum, then he would start on my ass, that always hurt, and it never felt right, but then too, in some ways it kind of excited me, it made me feel different

It was on my 12th birthday that it got really bad. My parents had this big affair to go to and it was only my birthday so ‘uncle’ volunteered to look after me. He took me for pizza and we had fun, it really was okay, I never thought about my parents until we got home.

Then he told me it was time I started to be a man for him, started to help repay him for all the nice things he had done for me, and like an idiot I could only think of pleasing him, so I agreed.

The next thing I knew we were in my bedroom and he was taking my clothes off, making me naked and it was strange, but I felt kind of excited at the same time that I was also feeling really scared. I had no idea what he was up to, and then he just took his own pants off, and he stood there, this huge cock staring at me, and I started to cry.

He laughed Taylor, telling me not to worry, that one day I might get to be that big. That isn’t why I was crying, and I know he knew that, but he ignored that, instead he just started to stroke it, to swing it around in front of me and all the time he kept looking at me, that glazed look in his eyes.

He made it rub up against my face; it felt so weird Taylor, that huge cock rubbing my face, around my lips and all. I didn’t flinch, it rather was somewhat exciting to me and scary all at the same time, I didn’t know what to do. I have never seen another cock, until then and it looked so different than my tiny one.

It didn’t go further then, but over the next few months he started to making me do more and more. He would stick his cock into my mouth, he would make me cum while he watched, he would make me touch him, and finally he made me taste him.

I don’t know if I should have ran from him or what, my parents kept telling me how lucky I was to have my ‘uncle’ do things for me, the kids at school used to be jealous of me, cause my ‘uncle’ always took me places. Shit, I knew by then that what was going on wasn’t normal, but the attention it got me, I didn’t want that to end, it felt so fucking good, so what it hurt when he would stick me with his huge cock, that didn’t matter because he would tell me how good I was, how pleasing I was, how much he loved me, more than his own son.

It was wrong, I know, but I liked it Taylor, because this big adult was actually more interested in me than in parties or meetings or all that other stuff that my parents always seemed to be going to. He cared, least that is what I thought, and so what if what he was doing was wrong, so what if at times it felt rather dirty, if it made him happy then I would do it.

Fuck, he taught me things about sex that I never knew people did and I became good at it, cause it meant he would be happy. The worse thing, I guess, is I really hated doing it on the one hand, but I also liked it. I mean the sex felt good, and for those times when I would be his sex toy, I was somebody.

It got to the point that I couldn’t wait to go over to his place or go somewhere with him, I know that was wrong, but he at least seemed to care. He would always ask me how school was, how I was feeling, and when things had been bad, he always would do something to cheer me up, take me for pizza or burgers, so if I fucked his ass, why not? It wasn’t like it really was unpleasant, I mean he was old, sure, but he was in good shape, and to hear him groaning with pleasure while I fucked him, you can’t imagine how good it felt for me to actually be able to make someone happy, my own dad always made me feel like I was this huge disappointment, this huge failure.”

“Didn’t they even suspect?”

“No, they tried to stop me from seeing him, telling me I was taking up too much of his time, but he defended me, telling them I was a good kid and no trouble, I mean here I was, one set of adults who barely had time for me, who thought I would never be anything, and here was this other guy, who had always taken care of me, had bandaged my scraped knees, and now he was sharing his body with me, it was like I was someone, like I actually did count”

“So what changed?”

“I got older I guess, that and I started to feel weird about it some of his new tricks, new ways for us to be together, plus I wanted to start to get out, I had too many questions I guess, or I was no longer cute to him I suppose.

He had lost interest in me and was starting to spend less time with me, he would have excuses, like his family needed him but if I would maybe help him with his friends, and we could be together.

That was when he started to bring other men around. At first, it was just for them to watch, which weirded me out, but he insisted it was okay, and yet I knew it really wasn’t, but I did it anyway. Then it just got worse, he would have me have sex with him while they jerked off and well, it kept going further, to where they would be touching me too, or have me touch them.

I fought with him about that, but not like maybe you think, I would tell him I didn’t like his friends, that I didn’t want them to touch me, and he always countered with the old, ‘if you love me’ routine, so what choice did I have? I needed his love, his approval so I let them.”

“That wasn’t love Jeremy”

“Don’t you think I know that now? Shit, every time you held me, I would cringe, knowing that he used to hold me too but that it was phoney, that what I was feeling with you was real, and then I would start to wonder, to doubt if anything was real or if it was just my body that had you interested.”

“Jeremy, you…”

“Yeah, so you say, but Taylor, its also what he said”

“I am not him”

“No, I know, look, maybe I should just stop and leave, there really is no point in this anyway…”

“Fuck that, no, don’t stop… tell me the rest”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I am sure”

Taylor was surprised at how calm he was managing to be. The way Jeremy was talking, it was almost as if he really had enjoyed himself, which hurt a little, but then he would look at his face, and he knew that it wasn’t true. Sure, the sex stuff may have seemed enjoyable, hell he was only a kid then, what did he know, and even if he did, so what?

In a way, he could understand how Jeremy felt. It was sort of like that when he and Billy had become sexually involved with each other. They had wanted love, needed to feel like there was more to their young lives than the emptiness they had felt, so when they were together, a part of each other, it felt good, it felt like there was really a purpose.

No, he couldn’t blame Jeremy for liking the attention, for enjoying the sex from this asshole. He needed love and this guy used that to get his dick off. Well he was the loser; he missed knowing a really special person.

“Go on, I am sorry for interrupting”

“Sure?”

“Yeah”

“Okay, but, alright I guess I do owe you all of it.

Things at home were never good, but as I got older, it seemed like it was only getting worse. My dad would always find fault with me, for not doing my chores right or for being home or not being home, it just seemed like everything I did was wrong for him.

My grades were never good, and that always pissed him off, and well I was pretty moody by then, the stuff with dear old ‘uncle’ was getting more freaky to me and less enjoyable. He would bring more of his ‘pals’ over and they even took snapshots.

“What? Pictures?”

“Yeah, Polaroid’s mostly, but some brought video cameras and taped the whole thing, and that really freaked me out, I was paranoid that kids from school or my parents would find out, but dear ‘uncle’ always convinced me to go along. It really was weird, standing naked while some guys would take pictures of my dick or have me bend over and spread my cheeks so they could get a better picture of my hole.

Same time as the video cameras started showing up at these sessions, dear ‘uncle’ started bringing this other kid around, he was younger and I guess more eager to please than me. I would do my thing and then they all seemed to hover over him, as he did his thing for ‘uncle’.

I guess that was the turning point for me, when just before my 14th birthday I went over to our secret place, our special meeting place to hang with him cause some kids at school had been teasing me about not having a girlfriend. I walked in to the place, to find him naked, this new kid sitting on his cock, grinding his hips and telling my ‘uncle’ how good it felt and my ‘uncle’ was groaning like he would groan for me, but he was also telling him how special he was, how he was like his own son but more, the same words he used with me.”

“Fuck, what did you do?”

“Do? I stood there watching, feeling like my whole world had ended, I mean he had meant so much to me and I had done so much for him that I hadn’t liked but did cause he wanted me to, I don’t know how else to put it.

I guess I made a noise or something, cause he jumped a little and saw me standing there. The kid, Joey I think his name was, just twisted around to stare at me, his eyes sort of saying, see I am his special boy now.

I maybe could have handled that, but when dear ‘uncle’ merely looked at me and asked I wanted to join him and Joey, I freaked out.

I started yelling at him, telling him he was a phoney that he didn’t care for me, and all that stuff. He didn’t seemed upset either, and maybe that is what finally calmed me down. It was like it just didn’t matter, hell, he didn’t even get soft, and he kept his dick up Joey’s ass all the time through it.

When I was finished, he just looked at me and said ‘fine’ that was it, ‘fine’ was all he said, then he started to play with Joey’s dick, right there in front of me. I guess I snapped cause I told him I would tell everyone about him, that I would tell my father and then we’d see if it were fine.

That got his attention; cause the next thing I knew was that he was standing in front of me, holding me by the throat. His face was mottled colour by his rage and he told me in a clipped voice that I could go ahead and say whatever I wanted, no one would believe a little faggot like me, no one would dare to take my word over his.

I could feel his hand closing on my throat and I could see Joey, standing naked by the bed, smirking at me, like he was enjoying seeing me this way. It was so fucking scary, I thought that I would be killed, I could feel myself trembling and hell, I even pissed myself, I was so scared.

“Jeremy, I am so sorry…”

“Don’t touch me Taylor, please, just let me finish this…”

“But, okay…”

“Thanks”

“So… what did you do?”

“I guess Joey saw that I had pissed my pants and he was laughing, laughing and pointing at me and that I guess stopped ‘uncle’ from maybe going further. He too started to laugh and he rather softened his grip on my throat.

He looked me in the eyes and I never felt so scared as I did then. He just stared at me, daring me to go and tell someone and I knew that he had won, there was no way I could win that fight and well, I sort of started to plead with him, asking him to give me another chance, that I was sorry for not pleasing him so much, telling him, shit, begging him to let me have a second chance.

I felt so desperate, I was on my knees, holding onto his legs, begging him to let me prove myself, to let me be his special boy once again. Fuck, everytime I think about it now, I feel like I want to puke, I feel so fucking dirty but I really thought he loved me, I really thought that somehow, just like I had disappointed my own parents, I had disappointed him and I didn’t want to let that happen.

He started to pat my head, it felt good and I thought maybe I had a chance, but he really didn’t care for me, he just liked the power I guess that he had. I don’t know, he told me that he really would like to but I had said some mean things to him, and then there was Joey to consider, that it was selfish of me to try to take Joey’s place in his heart.

I argued with him, saying that Joey had taken my place but he said no, that had been my own fault, and all that did was make me beg him more. I was in tears Taylor as I hung on his leg, and Joey was now standing next to him, looking down at me, while his ‘uncle’ had his other arm around his young body. God, it was so horrible to see, to have him holding someone else the way he held me.

He told me that if I really wanted to try to make it up to him, he would consider it if I was really sorry. I couldn’t believe it, he was actually going to give me a second chance and I was so relieved, I told him I would do anything he asked of me, I just wanted to be his ‘special boy’ again.

He told me that because I had hurt him so much, been so ungrateful to him, he really didn’t think he could ever feel the same way towards me as he used to, or as he did for Joey now, but if I was to try and make some of his friends happy, well maybe he would let me hang around more, but only if his friends enjoyed my company, otherwise, well, otherwise I should maybe just go and find someone else to care for me, after all he really wasn’t able to try and toilet train a teenager.

That had really hurt Taylor, the way he sort of just scorned me, made me feel like I really had been bad. He told me to go and clean up and come back in a few days, after I had thought about it, and then he turned his back on me and took Joey over to the bed, telling him how at least he didn’t disappoint his ‘uncle’ and how he at least knew how to make his ‘uncle’ happy.”

“Oh Jeremy, what a bastard, I am so…”

“Yeah, I know that now, I didn’t then.”

“Fuck, what…”

“Ever wonder about these long red marks Taylor?”

“You told me they were from some operation on your arms when you were a kid”

“Yeah, they were, see, after he turned his back on me I felt so defeated. I hated his friends, they smelled bad and they were so gross, fuck one of them had to weigh at least 400 pounds and I doubt if he every bathed, I couldn’t do it, I just knew I couldn’t make his friends happy, which meant I would never be able to get a second chance with him.

I don’t know how long I just stood there, crying like a baby and only making it all worse. I remember seeing them cuddling on the bed and the next thing I remember is running down the streets of our town, down towards the bushes on the edge of town.

I finished up at what I thought was an abandoned building and I must have sat there for hours, I really don’t know. All I could think of was how life wasn’t worthwhile, how I was such a failure to everyone, and how God even must hate me. It was like my whole life had no meaning anymore; my father rarely spoke to me other than show his displeasure. My mom, well all she would ever do was shake her head and tell me I should try to be better, that I shouldn’t be so lazy or so uncaring. And now my ‘uncle’ no longer felt I was worthy of his attention.

I don’t know when I made the decision; I can’t remember any time or such or even how I got the piece of broken glass in my hand. I must of picked it up while sitting there, but I remember turning it over and over in my hand, looking at it, feeling like I really didn’t deserve to be alive, that all I did was hurt people like my parents, like my ‘uncle’ and so I started to saw at my arms.

I don’t even know if I even felt the pain of the glass slicing into my flesh, all I can remember is how much of a failure I thought I was, how I would never be someone that people would like or care about, cause I was so bad at everything. It is strange, really, but I thought that everyone who died, well they would get a second chance, I mean all the priests at church always said how when kids died, they went to the heavenly father who would hold them and bounce them on his knee and love them.

As the blood spurted from my arms I thought about that, how at least up in heaven maybe I would actually find someone who would love me, man I really was stupid about that too, but I felt like it was all I had left, I knew my parents really wouldn’t miss me, and I thought that maybe if I was dead, maybe, just maybe my ‘uncle’ would miss me a little, maybe even cry for me and feel bad for me, so I just kept slashing at my arms.

I don’t know how, but I woke up in a strange room, my hands were hurting and I couldn’t move them, and I thought well, so far heaven sucked, and then I finally realized that even at suicide, I was a failure as a nurse came over and called the doctor.

“Thank God”

“Oh yeah, Thank God, shit even he didn’t want me”

“Come on Jeremy, that isn’t true…”

“Sure it is, I mean I was out by some abandoned place, far away and instead of welcoming me to his arms, he sent some damn cop to stumble on my still living body so they could save me. If that isn’t proof that he didn’t want me, I don’t know what is, besides the good pastor of our church was very clear on that later on, telling me how lucky I was not to have died, cause now I could atone for my sins, could make it up so that when I did die, I could go to heaven. Man what a crock, I was 14, no one liked me and all I did was disappoint everyone, including God.”

“Jeremy…”

“No, its true Taylor, shit it wasn’t more than a day after I came too, that they all started to question me. Guess when the cop found me I was delirious, and I must have thought he was my ‘uncle’ and I guess he figured stuff out.

He must of filed a report about it, cause I had social worker’s talking to me, hell even my father showed up to question me. I didn’t know what to say, so I told them most of it, how my ‘uncle’ had rejected me for someone new, and all that stuff.

Man, you should have seen it, the way they all looked at me and then they did all those damn tests, sticking their hands in my ass, probing me with stuff and taking blood and everything else. The doctors confirmed that my butt had been penetrated and all, but that was all they could prove then.

Finally, my pastor showed up, he looked at me and told me all about the evils of lying, of being a purveyor of mistruths, of casting aspersions on the good name of honest god fearing people like my ‘uncle’. He would sit by my bed, my hands still being tied up, in case I wanted to off myself again, and he would preach at me, telling me that my choice of being a homosexual had been the work of the devil, that I should confess my sins and beg forgiveness of God.

It is funny in a sense, I mean there I was, terrified of all that was happening and this priest is trying to scare me by telling me how evil I was, when I already knew it. He wasted all that time, trying to convince me that I was evil, that my only hope was to confess my sins, but I couldn’t, I figured that I had done enough already to piss God off, now to lie on top of it? To say that it never happened, just because no one understood that I had done it?

“You didn’t do anything Jer…”

“Yeah I did Taylor, it was my fault, I shouldn’t have expected so much, it was just that ever since I had been little, he had been there, had done things for me that no one else seemed to want to, so yeah it is my fault.”

“Fuck, no way man, no way is it your fault”

“Thanks for trying, at least you did that, but it is my fault”

“Shit, no it isn’t, but… what happened then?”

“After? Fuck life got worse, my dad didn’t even want me to come back home, he told child services they should find a place for me, he couldn’t handle a liar and a faggot for a son. They insisted that he try, while they tried to find me a foster home, but he would have to realize it wouldn’t be easy, given my sexual history and my false claims about dear old sweet ‘uncle’, the pillar of the community.

School was even worse, there they all called me faggot, homo, queer and my locker was always covered in graffiti of some kind, generally nasty shit like, faggots should be murdered, or stuff like, too bad you failed in offing yourself, and other shit.

Everyone had been quick to reassure the town that my wild claims of perversion was just the madness of a rejected teenage faggot, who lashed out at the people who had tried to help him. Fuck, the pastor did three sermons on it alone, so did the other religious leaders, all of them telling their good people how evil us homosexuals were, how we tried to corrupt the innocent god fearing people and how parents needed to protect their children from our evil.

I stuck it out for about two months before I took off and headed out of state. I just couldn’t handle it and you know, I don’t think anyone there missed me, I know that there isn’t even a missing children’s report filed in the state with my name on it, so no, no one really missed me, I think that they were all glad that their problem simply disappeared.”

“So, how did you survive? I mean you got into college and all…”

“Hehe, yeah, well I guess you would ask that”

“If you don’t want to tell me…”

“No, what difference does it make? Might as well tell it all.

Just before I decided to take off, I ran into one of ‘uncles’ dear friends. I was feeling pretty low and well, somehow we wound up at his place and well, he did his think, and I got to thinking, these guys were all so insistent on keeping this a secret, maybe that could work for me.

While he slept, I went through his house and found a bunch of polaroids of him and other young kids. They didn’t leave much to the imagination and this guy was pretty well off. I stole the pictures and then when I finally decided to take off, I well, shit, I blackmailed him, okay?

I needed money, and I didn’t like some old guy touching me anymore, it felt dirty and besides, I was already worthless, so fuck, why not use what I could to get away and try to maybe make something of myself, so I made him give me money.”

“That couldn’t have lasted long…”

“No, at the start I really didn’t ask for much, but as time wore on, I got smarter. I learned a lot on the streets and so I made sure I kept the pictures. Fuck, I still have some of them actually, but I haven’t used them to get any money for ages now, and I made sure it was never more than I needed, you have to believe that… I just didn’t want to be a street kid selling his ass, I really didn’t, and I had liked school, sort of, so I used the money to get to here.

There were some people who didn’t mind paying a kid under the table cheap, so I did odd jobs here and there, found ways to get into schools, those inner city one’s for street kids and got myself through.

The older I got, the easier it was to get jobs, and so it wasn’t too bad. I fucked around a lot, but never for money, maybe for a place to live for a bit, or for the sheer hell of it but at least I never turned tricks in the real sense. I guess maybe I did but hell, everyone does.

I got into the booze pretty heavy and tried some of the drugs, but I was scared of getting to doped up. Besides, when things got really bad or tough, I would just phone my ‘uncles’ friend and have him wire me money. He never really objected either; I mean the most I ever hit him up for was a few hundred dollars so I could pay a damage deposit on an apartment.

I never really liked doing it either, not that that excuses it, or makes it right, but I just never really had any other choices. It isn’t like anyone gives a shit for street fags, and he could afford it. The guy wasn’t poor, and hell, he had his fun so why shouldn’t he have paid a little. I know I told him he should maybe get ‘uncle’ to reimburse him, but I never did find out if he did or not, would be nice to know if he did.

That about covers it all, short version anyways. See, Taylor, you picked up a real winner hey, a guy who likes to off himself, a guy who used blackmail to get into school and a guy who has been getting it up the ass since he was 11 or 12, just your all around typical faggot”

“Shut up Jeremy, you aren’t typical”

“Hehe, yeah you can say that for sure, now you know why I insist on condoms, I don’t want you to catch whatever I may have, god only knows how many freaks I have let up my ass”

“FUCKING SHUT UP!
It isn’t your fault”

Taylor couldn’t believe it, the way Jeremy still thought that all that had happened was his fault, that he was a bad person. He could feel the pain lancing through his body as he stared in shock and horror at Jeremy, and he wanted to just hold him, to take him under his arms and rock him gently. Yet, he knew there was still more of the horror to unfold, and so he waited, his fists clenching and unclenching.

“Yeah, it is Taylor, I am not boyfriend material, I am a slut, a tramp, I go to parties and get sloshed and let as many as I can find fuck me, sometimes its only one, other times its more. Whoever is willing can have a go at my ass, so yeah its my fault.

I could say I was drunk, but it isn’t why I did it, I did it cause I wanted to, I wanted to have someone, anyone, fuck me so for that brief second I could relive the feelings of being wanted, of being someone’s love receptacle.

I thought I could change, that maybe I could recapture some of what I needed by being with you, but I can’t do it, I can’t hurt you anymore Taylor, I love you so much that it hurts me, and yet I know you can’t love me, I am not a person that anyone can love.”

“FUCK THAT SHIT”

Taylor jumped up, his one hand like a solid ball of steel as he smacked it hard into his open palm, the pain obviously great inside of him and yet he didn’t feel the force of his blow at all. He walked around the room, no longer able to contain his anger or his rage. He just couldn’t sit back down, he couldn’t just let all this pass him by and he could feel Jeremy as he silently watched him pace the floor.

Finally, he made up his mind and he pulled out a pair of jeans and shirt and started to get dressed. His anger was slowly being focused now and he had a purpose. This was not going to be one of those times, this time he would not sit back or worse, run away.

Jeremy felt the rage coming from Taylor. His heart seemed to stop beating as he watched him pace the floor. Darkness seemed to be descending on him even more as he felt Taylor’s anger growing. In the back of his mind he knew that this was what he had expected. Well, this time he wouldn’t make the mistake he had made back when he was 14. He did know a lot more now, and this time he would make no errors.

“you don’t have to leave Taylor, I can go, shit, your dad paid for this place, so, you should be the one to stay”

“What? Fuck you think I am going to leave you?”

“Well, you are getting dressed, grabbing your car keys, so uh yeah”

“No way, Not leave you, but I do want one thing from you, just one”

“What?”

“His name”

“Whose?”

“That so called fucking ‘uncle’ of yours”

“Huh? Why?”

“Cause I am going to kill him”

Jeremy felt like a thunderbolt had hit him. He looked into Taylor’s face and he saw it, there was no doubt in his mind that at that second, Taylor did indeed mean what he said, he was going to kill his ‘uncle’ if he only knew his name. It was not supposed to be this way, Taylor was supposed to want him gone, want him out of his life not try to erase the source of all his pain.

All of his thoughts of how this final revelation would go flashed past his stunned mind. None of those scenario’s ever involved Taylor wanting to help him, wanting to make a difference in his pain, at best it was simply that he wouldn’t be tossed out with the other garbage and he couldn’t understand it.

“Come on Jeremy, I want his name”

“Taylor, why?”

“Why? Why so I can end your pain, so other kids won’t have to feel what you are feeling now, that is why”

“No, why would you, …I mean, I am the one who deserves to be shot, or killed or whatever.”

“YOU? You didn’t do dick Jeremy, fuck, don’t you see? He used you, he made you think it was you, and I don’t give a shit what some idiot pastor says, God doesn’t hate, I can’t believe that, when he had you saved it wasn’t to deny you his love, it was to give you to me, don’t you see that? This is all part of it, I mean, fuck, I never really …shit I am rambling, I want his name Jeremy”

“No, No I can’t do that, you can’t seriously want to kill him?”

“Oh yes I can, believe nothing else I say but believe this, I want to hurt him, I want him to suffer like no man has ever suffered, now give me his name”

“No, you can’t, damn it I am not worth this”

Taylor reached out and picked Jeremy up with one hand. His strength had suddenly risen to that of a giant. There was no stopping the wild thoughts that were racing inside of him. He would do anything to have Jeremy stop feeling this way, and his mind said he had to end the source of the pain, he had to.

“Don’t you ever, ever tell me that you aren’t worth my life, I will die for you, I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe, keep you in my arms, don’t you dare, ever, tell me you aren’t worthy, you are my love, my life, nothing else fucking matters to me Jeremy Douglas Hanford, I mean it, I swear on my mother’s grave, you are my love, my life, do you understand that?”
“Now give me the mother fucker’s name”

Jeremy had never seen Taylor this way. The forcefulness was unbelievable and the strength overwhelming. His body had been lifted up like he was nothing more than a feather to Taylor and yet he knew that wasn’t the case. His knees knocked as the fear of what he had unleashed started to penetrate his heart. The pain in his soul was intense, but no longer for him, but for Taylor. He saw it in his eyes, the wild look of unquestionable hatred.

For the first time since he had fallen in love with Taylor, he believed him. Deep inside, way down deep in his soul the words started to take hold, started to burn within him. As he heard the solemn vow, the invoking of Taylor’s mother, his soul believed that what he said was indeed the truth.

Now panic gripped him as he struggled to calm Taylor down. He had expected Taylor to leave him, to end their relationship because he was flawed goods, instead he was willing to sacrifice his own life in order to ease his burden. My God, he really did love him.

“I won’t, Taylor this won’t solve anything, please”

“Yes it will”

“No it won’t, honest”

“At least he’ll get what he deserves, you can sleep at nights then, the nightmares will end”

“What, so I trade them for new ones?”

“New ones, damn it Jeremy, this guy is scum”

“Yeah, then I have to be scum too”

“FUCK NO, it isn’t your fault”

“Sure it is, I should have known better, and now you want to kill him and ruin your own life? Yeah, it is my fault”

“No no, damn it, I can’t, don’t you see? I can’t let him get away with this..”

“And what about me? I blackmailed a guy, did it for years, would do it in a heartbeat again if I was desperate, so what does that make me?”

“It makes you someone getting a little back”

“Oh? So me being a shit is okay, cause someone else did it to me first? Come on Taylor, you may be blond but you ain’t stupid”

“Okay, so what, you just want to let this guy get away with it?”

“I don’t know, for now yes, I guess so”

“Why?”

“Because he isn’t worth trading for you, that’s why”

“But…”

“No, look you meant it when you said you would do anything for me, right?”

“Yes, of course I mean it…”

“Then leave him alone, it is my problem to solve, not yours”

“Bullshit, what bother’s you bothers me”

“Okay, sure, but the decision is mine Taylor, mine alone, not yours”

“But, DAMN”

“yeah it sucks, I am so confused Taylor, please, for me, I can handle about anything, but I know I can’t handle losing you, not this way, not in some wild rage or some wild idea that killing him is going to set me free.”

“Well, you’d at least sleep at night”

“No I wouldn’t, yeah the terror of him coming back into my life would leave, but it would be replaced by my knowing that I had sentenced you to at best a life on the run from the law, I couldn’t handle that Taylor, I mean it.”

Taylor stopped his pacing; his wild motion of his arms no longer stirring the air in the room. He sat down on the edge of the bed, his heart racing with the uncertainty of his life, of his immediate goals. He wanted to have this man in his hands, to strangle him like he had almost done to Jeremy, and yet he also wanted to be with Jeremy, to hold him and comfort his pain.

As Jeremy’s words echoed within, his soul finally was able to gain some hold, to quieten his tortured heart a little and to put aside the outrage that poured from his mind. Calmly he felt the soft touch on his cheeks, heard the soft voice as it sang to him, just as it did many years ago when he was a toddler. The sweet voice that took away all his pains then, now sang to him once more, easing the heavy burden in his heart and soul.

He sat there crying, feeling and smelling her as he let himself go. His heart no longer weighed down by his anger, his outrage no longer turning on himself, no longer struggling with the need to do something drastic. Instead he looked up at the worried face of Jeremy, knowing that this was their moment, this was when it would tell, if they were to be together or not. He searched deep within his soul, knowing he wanted nothing more than to be with Jeremy, and he knew that it was true, that Jeremy wouldn’t be able to handle him gone.

As he thought of it, a chill rose up his spine. His eyes narrowed as he stared at Jeremy, seeing him in a very new light. His soul ached with the sudden realization that had he indeed gone out, had he indeed been frightened off by the revelations, that tonight would have been the last the world would have seen of Jeremy. The thought made his blood run cold, as he also knew that had he given in to his insane urge to strike out at the ‘uncle’ that that too would have been something Jeremy couldn’t have survived.

His whole body started to tremble, every limb shook and his head was spinning as he realized just how close he had come to once more entering the dark abyss of emptiness, of no hope, of grief and recriminations. Tears were running down his face as he slid off the bed, to wind up on his knees, staring up at an equally distraught Jeremy.

“Oh God, Jeremy, please, I love you, I want you”

“Taylor, I…”

“No, oh please, I won’t do anything to him, I won’t even speak of it again, I just want you… please, I need you Jeremy, I honestly do, I would be lost if you weren’t here with me”

Jeremy fell to his own knees, staring at the blue eyes that simply pleaded with his soul. He couldn’t deny him, there was no force powerful enough to make him not give in to Taylor’s demands. His hands shook as he reached out, the long thin fingers trembling as he needed to touch Taylor’s body, to feel his heart beat next to his own quivering one.

Taylor watched the finger shaking, watched it slowly rise up to reach out for him and without any thought, he found himself leaning forward, his own nervous limbs aching as he struggled to touch Jeremy.

Both bodies came together, their arms no longer shook as they wrapped around the other’s body. Each torso, brought closer by the sheer force of their hearts desire clung together in the darkness of the room. Both heads rested on warm wet shoulders, tears of love flowing down as they held onto each other, sharing their fear of losing the other.

It took some time, but eventually they were able to climb up onto the bed and together they lay, side by side, each still clinging desperately to the other, each still feeling the need to touch and hold the other, to gain some strength that despite all that had been said, all that had been recited, they were still together, still two halves that belonged together.

With the worst over, the dread and unknowing fear of what might be no longer holding them prisoner, both lay together, talking and helping to build their bond even stronger. Jeremy was finally able to tell about the shame he felt, about the confusion he had about his life, his feelings.

With Taylor holding onto his tight, he was finally able to release the demons that had held him captive. His heart no longer beat with the weight of guilt as he felt the love flow through his entire body, searching the dark recesses, and evicting the ghosts the lay residing there.

Taylor felt the power of his love as he trembled next to Jeremy, listening to the horrors of a youth that he couldn’t even imagine before tonight. He thought of how his young life had been and then he realized that no matter the pain he had suffered, he always had the support of a family. He always had his younger brother, and in his own way, his father had always been there too.

As they found their strength waning, their love for each other drew them even closer. The found themselves just holding onto each other, no part of their bodies untouched by the skin of the other. Taylor slowly came to the realization that his life had a purpose, had meaning and as he listed to the soft even breathing of his lover, he knew he had one last thing to do before surrendering to sleep.

Careful, not to disturb the sleep of an exhausted Jeremy, he found his phone, and even though the hour was late, he dialled the number anyways. He listened to the soft breathing and he felt like he had suddenly come alive for the first time since her loss. The harsh sounds of the phone ringing continued in his ear as he gently ran his hand along the sleeping body of Jeremy.

Finally, the ringing stopped and a groggy gruff voice answered the phone.

“It Taylor Dad”

“Taylor? What is it, are you okay?”

“Yes, I… I’ll tell you about tonight later, I just wanted to tell you, well, I love you dad, I really do”

“Taylor? Taylor… I love you too son, I always have you know”

“Yes, I know that now, and dad, I am sorry”

“It’s okay, I was not the easiest person, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I am now, thanks to Jeremy, but thanks too to you, I miss her a lot, even now”

“I know, I do every second”

“I never realized before, dad, she never really did leave us, did she?”

“No son, she never really did, we just thought she did.”

“Yeah, Jeremy and I will be over later in the day, we need your help”

“I will be here”

“I know, I never did before, but I do now… goodnight dad”

“Goodnight son, I love you”

“I know, I know”

He set the phone down and turned to find Jeremy looking into his eyes. All he saw as the soft glow of love and he smiled, then he slowly curled himself up and snuggled into Jeremy’s body. Together they lay, sleeping together for the first time really, secure that each would be there in the morning, not just tomorrow, but for every morning thereafter.