Chapter 5

Saturday April 28th 

11:00 a.m. (PST)

Zack put the lawnmower back inside the garage and wiped his forehead as he stared out at the driveway. It really was getting hot once more and he was glad that he had gotten up early to get his mowing job done for the couple across the street. Now at least he could maybe take off for the afternoon and go check out the arcade like he had planned.

Nothing had worked out for him this week, not with Justin and certainly not in his planned tutoring session with Tyler either. Seemed that Mr. Twiller decided that Tyler and Justin weren’t as urgent, and had actually granted an extension to them. It was kind of a bummer in the one sense, as he really was kind of looking forward to working with Tyler. He could at least have his dreams then, and just the idea of actually working out too with him was somewhat exciting, but all that was now up in the air.

Wednesday hadn’t been fun either as he had loaned Justin his bike in the morning, or had to collect it from Justin’s house. He met Justin’s mother too and she wasn’t exactly his idea of a warm person, specially when she found out he wasn’t into sports or that his family was up on the social scale. He could see why Justin’s Dad must of left and yet he was scared of Justin. They barely spoke and he felt sort of like Justin was watching him, waiting for him to make some dumb ass move so he could expose Zack, and that made him even more nervous.

It was like all of a sudden, his whole life hinged on whether Justin talked or not and then Thursday when he was called into Mr. Twiller’s office and told that he wouldn’t have to tutor either Tyler of Justin until maybe next week, he was almost certain that Justin had talked. The way Twiller had looked at him, like he knew something or wanted to ask something but decided against it, made him really paranoid.

Wasn’t it bad enough that he was having all those weird dreams about Justin and Tyler to have to also face the possibility that the entire student body would find out? Who ever said that a person’s childhood was fun sure as hell hadn’t been a kid in these days. He really was pissed too, not sure why it really mattered to so many whether a person was straight or not and yet knowing that it did matter and could mean the difference between getting thru school or getting the crap kicked out of you daily.

Maybe Tyler and Shawn were right; maybe he should work out a little and instead of thinking so much, just try to be more like the rest? Least that way he sure as hell wouldn’t always be a target for Brian and shit, maybe it would make it more fun. He was really tired of being alone so much; never a part of the ‘in crowd’ but was that what he wanted? Was it really fun to go to parties and smoke pot or drop pills or just hang around drinking?

Louise Trailer “There you are… didn’t you hear me calling you?”

Zack turned to see his mother standing in the doorway of the garage. She really was nice, and he wished that he could sit down and talk to her about all this but he was scared. Would she understand about his dreams or would she freak like everyone said? He didn’t know much but some of the ‘coming out’ stories he had read on the ‘net’ had made him cringe. He knew that if she or his Dad freaked he wouldn’t be able to handle it, and then where would he be?

Zack ” Sorry Mom, didn’t hear you.”

Louise ” Well there is a phone call for you, that nice McHenry boy.”

Zack “Tyler? What did you say?”

Louise “Nothing, he’s waiting on the phone, hurry up now.”

For a brief second he was back in his fantasyland, imagining that Tyler was calling him for a date, but he quickly came back to earth as his fears took hold once more. Maybe Tyler was calling to tell him that there would be no tutoring anytime or to ask if what Justin had told him was true. That too weighed on his mind because he was certain Justin had seen those drawings, and most of them were of Tyler too. Christ, if Tyler found out what would he do? Would he come over and kick his ass all over the place or would he wait to do it at school in front of everyone?

By the time he reached the phone in the kitchen, he was sweating and his palms were sticky. His heart was pounding too and as he lifted up the receiver he wondered if his world was about to come crashing down around him.

Zack “Hello? Tyler?”

Tyler “Hey, there you are, didn’t drag you from something important did I?  Your Mom said you were just out back.”

Zack “Uh, no, just putting away the mower, nothing special.”

Tyler “Cool, look sorry about the plans all getting messed up, but I really do need your help with English, you still willing to help me out?”

Zack “Uh, sure, but, uh I thought Twiller had…”

Tyler “He just gave me an extension, the Coach ragged on him I think, but I kind of want to get this out of the way, sure don’t need to get stuck with summer school, so you okay with maybe starting this tonight?”

Zack “Tonight? Uh, but…”

Tyler “Hey, I mean if you got plans, that’s cool, just I kind of want to get on track with this, besides, we did make a deal, I mean, if you still want some help working out?”

Zack “SURE! I mean, yeah sure, but uh, its Saturday, don’t you have other things to do?”

Tyler “Nah, there is some lame party over at Brian’s but I’d rather skip it, and besides Sheryl went away with her parents for the weekend, don’t think she’d like me going to a party without her, you know how woman are.”

Zack “Huh? Oh uh, yeah sure, okay, I mean if you really want, uh, what time?”

Tyler “Cool, look my folks are going off to some business dinner or something at the country club so they kind of want me to stay home, think they just don’t want me out cruising, oh well, so how about you come over here? I mean is that okay? I got all the weights and stuff set up here, and we’d have the place to ourselves?”

Jesus, alone in his house with just him and me? Christ I know this is part of my dream, fuck I can feel, no I have to keep that in check, shit, maybe this isn’t so hot of an idea? What if I fucking blow it by getting a boner or something? Christ, why is this always happening but it is Tyler, I have to go, no matter what it means.

Zack “Uh, yeah, sure, whatever you want.”

Tyler “Haha, well great then, how about coming by around 5 or 6? I’ll get the old man to order in pizza for us, that okay?”

Zack “Okay? Shit that’s super, its leftovers for us tonight, pizza would be super.”

Tyler “Done then, so what, 5 or so?”

Zack “Yeah sure, uh you are over on Ridgeview right?”

Tyler “yep, 1980, it’s the brown one, ugly damn colour but Mom likes it, haha, see you around 5 then, bye”

He hung up the phone feeling a bit dazed and excited too. Justin hadn’t talked and Tyler was inviting him over, there would just be the two of them, which was really something special. To just be around Tyler, no one else around, was like part of his dream coming true. What was even more thrilling was that Tyler was still going to help him workout, and the notion of being in shorts and doing all that weight stuff with Tyler, was as close as he could imagine in getting his dreams fulfilled, besides who knows, maybe the rest could come true too?

All thoughts about heading over to the arcade vanished as he rushed past his Mom, bleating out that he wouldn’t be home for dinner and that he’d be over at Tyler’s house for the evening, rushing upstairs to try to figure out what he should take. He also knew he wanted to have a shower before heading out and he started to calculate just how long it would take him to ride over to Tyler’s. It was a bit of a ways away and he didn’t want to get there late or too early either and he sat in his desk, trying to figure out when he should leave.

Louise Trailer watched as Zack went racing up the stairs and she smiled and wiped away a lock of hair from her forehead. Her husband would be pleased that Zack was finally starting to get out, they had worried lately about him, as he was becoming very moody and they didn’t like the way he kept to himself. She knew that something was bothering him, but she just couldn’t put her finger on it yet.

At least he was starting to get some friends other than Shawn, and that made her happy. First there was that new student, Justin who showed up earlier in the week, and now Tyler McHenry, which really was something. He was no doubt the most popular boy in school and if he were friendly with Zack, well who knew what would develop, maybe he’d finally get invited to some parties and maybe even meet a nice girl or two.

2:00 p.m. (PST)

Sarah Glouchester sat at here rather petite desk and surveyed the sparse report that had come in late last night. It was quiet in the building, most of her compatriots were off playing golf or some other expected masculine play chore, but for her, Saturday was no different than any of the other workdays. Besides, she rather enjoyed working on the weekends, it was quiet and she didn’t have to listen to all that male shoptalk or attempt to hold her own in what was a man’s world.

She leaned back in her high backed executive chair and put her hands over her head as he contemplated the case she had taken on. It was a special favour for Scott Hackett in Florida, and she liked the idea of him owing her a favour too. Smiling, she didn’t look like the barracuda that her fellow attorney’s called her, but then she rarely smiled in front of them, reserving that for private moments.

For the last 15 years she had concentrated on handling divorce cases and in that time she could only recall handling the man’s side about four or maybe five times, yet this one had attracted her attention due to the sexual aspect of it all. Her feelings about gays were neutral; she really didn’t think she even knew a gay guy but then again these days, in California, who knew? It wasn’t like you just came out and asked or proclaimed it, but she did have her doubts about one or two in the office, but it never really mattered to her in more than a passing curiosity.

However, she had handled several cases for women, where the husband had been gay and in all of those cases, she had managed to get full custody of the children for the mothers. She knew in many instances that it wasn’t really fair, but she had played the ‘deviant’ card enough times to know exactly how this particular case would play out, unless she could find a way around the whole gay issue thing. It would help if the kid was queer but that was hoping for too much. Instead she wondered if Scott’s idea of the kid approaching a lawyer, a child advocate, couldn’t open the doors a little.

After reading the investigators preliminary report, she had an uneasy feeling about the whole case. There had to be more to why the wife simply picked up and left Florida to come clear across the country to live? Was she that vindictive or that scared? Were her fears just smoke to get even with her husband, or did Mrs Patterson have cause to worry that her husband’s lifestyle would harm her son? The kid was just 16, but heck, at that age didn’t most kids know if they were into girls or other boys?

Flipping thru the report, her hand started tapping the desk as she re read the passage about how the boy in question snuck out of the house late at night to go jogging. That in itself was a signal to her that the boy was troubled, but was it because of the move or was it something deeper, something more sinister like some form of sexual abuse from the father? Whatever the reason, the idea of some 16 year old jogging down the streets at 1 or 2 a.m was not something to be comfortable with. There just were way too many nut cases out there waiting for a chance to pounce on some innocent kid.

Sarah pulled out the extensive report on Mark Patterson that Scott had provided her with and once more she read thru the entire document, feeling better about her client but still uncertain as to why the wife had done all she had done. Restraining orders to prevent even mail contact was a bit excessive given the facts of the divorce. Nothing had been presented that could give cause for such draconian measures and yet the Florida Judge had given the order without much thought. There had to be more that maybe Scott’s investigator hadn’t found out and she quickly drafted a memo to Scott, asking for a more exhaustive investigation into Mark Patterson and his lover.

After finishing that she reached to her rolodex and flipped it open to find Tim Withers home phone number. He was an expert on children caught in the middle of divorce cases and she was impressed with his dedication and drive to help the kids he represented. She needed his insight, and always thinking, she wondered how she could get him to take on Justin Patterson as a client. It would make things a lot easier if she could swing that, but the question was going to be how?

Her hand was reaching for the phone when it hit her. The report said that Justin was earmarked to be a player on the High School football team, and the head para legal at the firm was Emily McHenry, her son was the starting Quarterback for that high school team. Now, how could she get Emily on her side? Their association to say the least was frigid, as they came from different worlds. She believed in pushing hard for woman’s rights, while Emily, well she was old fashioned in many ways, and so they had clashed a few times, but could she be persuaded to get Justin to ask for legal council?

‘Damn’ she thought, this could wind up being a real tough one, and judging by the way the ex wife was acting; she wasn’t about to roll over either. Scott had found out that she had retained a pretty damn good lawyer, one who she personally disliked for his rather dubious ethics, plus, according to the rumour mill, he slept with some of his clients. That was something that really burned her, knowing some sleazy ambulance chaser was taking advantage of a person in a weakened position, which most women in divorce were. God how she hated those types and Keith Jaworski was the poster boy for them. Trouble was, he was damn good at his job too and they had clashed several times, and so far the score was even, but him, she’d love to bury one day in court. Maybe this was the case to do it with too?

Sarah pulled her hand back from the phone and let it rest once more behind her head as she leaned back and contemplated all that had suddenly come to her. There was no doubt that this case was more than just a simple denial of rights and due process, the trouble was, she didn’t know how it was different, least not yet. Also she knew that somehow, she’d need Emily McHenry’s help and that didn’t sit too well with her, as she hated asking someone for help, it meant you owed them, which was not how she liked the ledgers to be. Scott was really going to owe her on this one, as she decided that she would put off calling Tim for now, and instead she called the investigator, arranging for him to increase his surveillance of Justin and his mother, Heather.

4:00 p.m. (PST)

The game was a damn sight more complicated than he though as he twisted and pulled and punched at the buttons. His body was twisting all over the place as he struggled to just keep his man in the game, but it sure was tough.  Justin had been playing the game for several hours and he still was locked at level one which was really pissing him off too. The only good think was that it was all free, thanks to his cyber buddy Leftout16.

He had to admit though, it was kind of a shock to find out that the guy he had been talking to was more like his dad’s age, but after a few minutes it didn’t seem to matter much. The guy, Paul, had welcomed him okay and right off the bat gave him $30 worth of tokens, a pass for a big cup of pop at the concession stand, then simply left him alone. He didn’t press him or anything, and had come around a few times, but it was cool, the guy didn’t seem to ask much or even want much which eased his fears.

Justin knew he shouldn’t be here, but he just couldn’t handle staying around the house, plus he still didn’t know too many of the kids at school. There was a party tonight but his Mom was having one of her fits again so he didn’t think he’d be going but he kind of wished he were. He just couldn’t stand staying home anymore, every time he did she would rag on him about something, or worse, tell him how hard life was thanks to his dad, yet she never said why, and when he would ask, man did she go off on a yelling spree.

When he first met Paul, he had to admit he was kind of scared and pissed too. He always thought Paul was no more than 19 or 20 but shit, when he first saw him earlier today, the guy looked at least 30 or older. Good think he was in a public place, but then after a few words, it was like, well, like Paul really wasn’t this old guy, that he was really just 19 or so but trapped in some old guy’s body. He thought like a kid and he sure as hell didn’t seem to want anything but to be friends, which Justin still wasn’t sure about, but at least it was killing the afternoon in style.

Hell Paul had even mentioned that, saying he hoped Justin wasn’t pissed at him being older than he might have sounded online, and he was understanding about how Justin might rather just leave. That was what made him relax, the way the guy wasn’t about to let things stand in the way, no hidden shit like his Mom was pulling so he accepted the offer to just hang and play some games, as Paul’s guest. It really did impress him and while the guy was no hot looking stud, it was kind of neat to see the way a lot of the kids at the arcade acted around him. It was like they were all his friends and he always saw him laughing and joking with the other kids there.

Thinking about that, he heard the buzzer sounding as his mind had wandered. He was jealous, because the way Paul was being with the others was exactly how he thought he and his own dad used to be, and now, now they didn’t even communicate, well his dad didn’t. Justin could feel the tears welling up and he grew angry at himself, striking the side of the arcade game, because he hated feeling this way. He just wished he could figure out what he had done to make his dad hate him so much that he didn’t even want to write to him?

Paul “Whoa, don’t kill it, its just a dumb machine, haha”

Justin “huh? Oh sorry…”

Paul “Hey, you okay dude? You look like you just lost your best friend or something instead of a game.”

Justin “Yeah fine, sorry.”

Paul “Uh huh, okay, don’t tell me, you uh need any more tokens?”

Justin “I got some left, uh sorry, didn’t mean to snap.”

Jesus he’s got a nice look to him, this is going to take time though but man what a stud this kid is, I wonder if he’s even been with a girl? Doesn’t look like the type to do that either, now can I pick them or what? Haha

Paul “Hey no sweat man, some things you just want to keep personal, but if you ever want to unload on someone, I am always here.”

Would be nice, but how do you tell someone that you are a fuck up and that not even your own dad wants to have anything to do with you? With my luck, if I tell him he’ll just wind up taking a hike too, fuck why couldn’t she have at least told me what was going on? Why the big secret, not like I am some ten year old!

Justin “Yeah? Thanks, but yeah, something’s…”

Paul “You still bummed about your dad aren’t you?”

Justin “Fuck, how’d you? Sorry, yeah but I kind of would rather not talk about it, you know?”

Parents! Fuck are they ever so stupid about their own kids, then when they get into trouble, they blame everyone else but themselves, stupid ass people, and he is so cute too, the way his lips tremble when he’s upset and all. Is he ever going to be a lady killer later on, he just needs someone to teach him the ropes, that’s all he needs.

Paul “Sure, no problem, hey, look I am taking my dinner break soon, want to join me at the snack bar and I’ll spring for a burger and fries if you want?”

Justin “Yeah? Uh, I don’t know… I mean you’ve been pretty generous and all…”

Shit, I have to watch this, can’t rush him or I’ll blow it, and he isn’t stupid, he has that look but he is just a kid, so come on now Paul you know how to play the game, so keep it cool, this is one worth the wait, not like the others.

Paul “Haha, but what’s my angle? No angle, just hate eating alone and next time, if you come back, you can buy me a burger, okay?”

Justin “Cool, yeah okay, uh, in about 30?”

Paul “Yeah, sounds right, see you at the snack bar in 30 then.”

Justin “Thanks man, I appreciate it.”

Paul “Hey, its what friends do, see you”

Justin felt a bit easier and to be honest, he was feeling kind of hungry too. It was neat the way Paul seemed to just accept him, not push or anything like most adults did. He hated that about his mom; the way she would just keep after him at times, like he didn’t have any rights to his own thoughts or stuff. Damn he wished he could have stayed with his dad, least his dad wasn’t a pushy type like his mom.

As Paul walked away from Justin, he could feel the boy’s eyes on his back and he kept himself walking straight, slowly too and he could feel the excitement rising in his own body. He had this warm glow starting and he could feel his groin starting to heat up and begin to ache as images of him and Justin started to fill his mind.

He tried to curtail his obvious excitement, knowing inside that this wouldn’t be a quick strike, that it would take lots of patience and skill on his part, but man the rewards of that, he could almost taste it now and he smiled, that warm lazy type smile that always seemed to come when he knew he was on the right track. Justin could turn out to be one of those that lasted more than a night or two, and he rather enjoyed those rare types. It meant less risk too the more he managed to see of them, but he was also prepared in case it didn’t work out his way.

Neil Henry watched Paul walking away from the young boy at the arcade game and he saw the smile starting to widen with each step that Paul took. His stomach started to turn a little at that smile and he looked back to see the young 16 year old blond watching Paul. He could see the long dirty blond hair as Justin pushed it away from his face and he saw the look, the look of a kid feeling almost happy but not totally. Neil grew scared as he watched the boy go back to his video game, but every few seconds, he’s see Justin raise his head and seek that older man out. Damn, he didn’t feel right about this and yet he was uncertain if he should put that into his report.

Everything was there for a potential disaster. A kid feeling abandoned by his father, a mother who was more interested in getting even than in doing the right thing, a kid lonely and scared taken to running the streets at night, and now, some older guy making friends with the kid, a typical perv move too, or at least that’s how it was looking, so how could he not do something but if he put this in his report, without facts, it could wind up kicking him in the ass. No, he couldn’t put it in just yet, but maybe he could kind of hint at it next time he talked with Ms. Glouchester?

Looking at his watch, he wondered if he should call it a day or not? His instructions weren’t for 24-hour surveillance, but then again, this whole thing at the arcade was gnawing at him and he settled down to have another cup of coffee and hot dog. Maybe he’d stay a bit longer, just to make sure the kid left alone and without any trouble.

7:00 p.m. (EST)

Ken had thrown aside the covers and was standing by the patio doors, watching the stars coming out, while puffing on his cigarette. Mark stared at him, seeing the way Ken’s shoulders were set so square, his back totally rigid and even his buttocks were clenched tight, and he could see the back leg muscles, twisted and pushing out. There was no doubt that Ken was pissed at him, and he really couldn’t blame him either.

It certainly hadn’t been a stellar week for him, and this was their third attempt at trying to be close and just like the other two times before, Mark had problems that made the whole effort fruitless. He felt like kicking himself, because he knew he couldn’t please Ken tonight, but he tried instead of talking to him.

Just the idea of discussing his problems with Ken was making his stomach twist and churn. He was sure that he was heading for a real ulcer attack too but how do you tell someone you love that right now, nothing gets your motor going? How do you tell a hot 30-year-old stud that just looking at his naked body does nothing to get your dick moving upwards or your blood boiling?

Mark “Ken, please, I am sorry, its not you, you have to know that?”

Ken “Yeah? So what is it then, you tired of dick all of a sudden or what, you want to be straight or something?”

Mark “Of course not, shit, it’s all this shit with Heather and Justin, I wish you could understand…”

Ken “Understand? Fuck Mark, who has been supporting you through all this? You think I don’t understand?”

Mark “That isn’t what I mean Ken, shit, it is just, well, I have all this on my mind, that’s all…”

Mark shifted on the bed and his head was staring at the twirling fingers of his that lay in his lap. He didn’t know to express what was happening, mainly because he wasn’t sure himself. All this lawyer stuff and the risks that were involved, not just for him but for Ken too as well as Justin, it was all too much to handle or so it seemed. How did he explain all this?

Ken “That’s all? Christ, I used to remember when I could barely get past the front door before you were tearing at my clothes, shit, I still get hard just thinking about you while at work, and yet, you can’t even get it hard when I am naked in bed with you.”

Ken turned around to look at Mark sitting up in the bed. He saw the sheet barely covering the dark bush of pubic hairs but other than that, nothing and yet here he was, totally nude with a semi hard cock still poking out from him and his lover wasn’t even close to getting an erection, once more.

Mark “SHIT! You don’t get it Ken, this isn’t, fuck, I want to, don’t you know that?”

Ken “I thought I did Mark, but fuck man, look at you? You used to come home and grab me, now you come home and head straight for the whiskey bottle… you have totally shut me out Mark, why? What did I do?”

Mark “You? You haven’t done anything, shit, it’s all me Ken, all my fault, I don’t want to lose you, shit, I can’t take that, I just, it is, well fuck, you know what it is.”

Ken “Your kid? Is that it? Okay, so you got hammered in the divorce, lots of guys do, but I thought you said this new lawyer was hopeful?”

Mark “It isn’t that simple Ken, yeah I got hammered, and you were great during that time, but this is different, this is, shit, it is just different, that’s all.”

The whole thing was becoming unreal as he paced back and forth staring at Mark. At one time Mark was a real fighter, the way he would charge the mound or crowd the plate, you could see his intensity and all during the divorce he hadn’t altered his desire to fight, even when that asshole judge ruled against him, he still looked and acted like the fighter that he had fallen in love with.

Now all he could see was a whipped pussy boy, the way he moped around and the way he kept to himself. He always used to enjoy sitting on the sofa, but now all Mark did was sit in the easy chair and drink his damn whiskey, never speaking other than the barest of words, and it all started the day he came back from the meeting with the lawyer and then the team manager.

Ken “FUCK YOU! Damn it Mark, how is it different? Why won’t you talk to me? Don’t you want me to be a part of your life?”

Shit I am going to lose him too, why is all this happening? Why can’t I just talk to him and tell him what is happening? Why am I so damn afraid that if I do he’ll walk out on me, he did stick with me thru the whole divorce, why should I be such a damn chicken shit?

Mark “CHRIST YES I DO! Fuck, how am I supposed to explain all this? You have no idea how much Justin means to me, and I have already lost him, and …fuck I don’t want to talk about this, not now, please Ken, don’t make this any worse.”

Ken “You are right, I have no idea how it must feel, but that isn’t any excuse for shutting me out Mark, no way I’ll ever know either as long as you keep pushing me away.”

Mark “Its my problem Ken, I can’t involve you anymore than I already have, I…”

Ken “OH BULLSHIT!  You can involve me from here to doomsday, isn’t that what being a lover is all about? Sharing each other’s joys and troubles? Or am I reading from some different book?”

Mark “No, but this isn’t your problem, its mine, you shouldn’t have to share it.”

Ken “Fuck that crap, either we are lovers or we aren’t, which is it?”

Mark “Of course we are lovers, Christ you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, except when Justin was borne, but, please…”

Ken “Then stop pushing me away, what hurts you hurts me, you can’t separate issues like this, not if you really mean it when you say you love me, do you?”

Mark “Of course I do, you know that!”

Ken “No I don’t anymore, you keep pushing me away, that isn’t love…”

Mark “I don’t want to drag you into this, I am not trying to push you away, I just want to protect you.”

Ken “I am 30 years old Mark, I can look after myself, I don’t need you to protect me, I do need you to trust me, and love me”

Mark “I do Ken, Christ I do love you and trust you too, but if I, I mean, I can’t involve you in this, it can hurt you and its bad enough that I get shit kicked, I don’t want that to happen to you too. I couldn’t live with myself if I caused you pain.”

Ken “Mark, Christ man, you think that by not talking to me, by not sharing you are saving me from pain? It can’t be any worse than how I feel now.”

He didn’t really know which was worse for him, to see Ken so agitated and upset, or the empty feeling that rested inside of his body? He had a tough choice to make, and he knew that his own mood had soured but if he lost Ken too, he doubted if he could survive it all. The idea of losing Justin was wrenching at his heart, tearing it into tiny pieces and he just couldn’t think straight.

Sure the lawyer thought they might have a case, might be able to get the restraining order at least modified if not overturned, but what if they couldn’t? What if it was upheld and he was denied contact, all of the pain and sorrow would be even worse then and worse all the dirty details would have been exposed and for nothing, could he do that to his son? Shit, could he do it to Ken as well?

Mark stared for a few seconds down at his lap and then with a sideways glance he gazed over at Ken. He could see the anger but worse, he saw the pain that he was causing Ken. There was no doubt in his heart that Ken was in love with him, and he knew too that he was just as much in love with Ken, but he didn’t know how to deal with it. Everything he had been taught as a kid was topsy turvy now, after all his family never knew much about gays, and this was something that had haunted him ever since he was maybe eleven or twelve.

How do you throw all this away on a slim chance? He could wait till Justin was 18 and then the restraining order would be useless, but would Justin care by then? How much damage would be done if he did wait, after all Heather wasn’t exactly the forgiving type. Christ, by 18 she would have Justin hating the sound of his name, never mind be willing to meet with him then, and even if he did wait till then, what could he say? How could he look Justin in the face and explain why he didn’t fight for the right to talk to him?

Watching Ken slowly put on some boxer shorts made his heart ache even more. He knew he needed Ken, to feel his breath on his cheeks, to be able to roll over at night and snuggle his own body into Ken’s, to feel his heart beating against his chest and yet if he pursued his plan, he would expose Ken to being outed totally. The papers here would have a field day with the young insurance agent and semi pro baseball player His days of dreaming that he might make the pro’s some day would end the second those papers hit the stands, and he still did have that dream, faded but still there.

Fear was ripping away at him, he knew that and yet he felt so powerless to stop it, to shunt it off somewhere but the grip was just too much as Ken pulled his pants up and turned to look at him. God, he was so beautiful, so handsome and he was a jerk, trying to have it all his own way when he should be thinking more about the two people he would gladly die for, Justin and Ken.

Mark “Ken…”

Ken ‘Yeah?”

Mark “I love you, I guess, I mean, I always knew, deep down that I belonged with another man, I just didn’t, I mean, I was brought up straight, I played that game for so long that, well, that all this is so new to me, I don’t know what is right anymore, but I know I love you Ken.”

Ken looked down at the dejected figure of his lover and his heart ached. It was almost as if someone had their hand around his beating organ and they were ripping at the pounding muscles, squeezing it and twisting it around in the palm of their hand, the fingers digging deeply into the soft blood gorged flesh and yet still he managed to stay erect, to stand his ground.

There was no doubt that he was in love with Mark, and their first meeting had been nothing like he had ever experienced before. The sex had been wild and unmatched in his short 30 years of life but it was so intense, it had captivated him and even now, uncertain as he was, it still held power over him. Maybe that was all it was, just a memory of a wild night in a dingy Florida motel room but somehow, deep in his soul he knew there was so much more to their relationship, yet the doubts persisted.

Ken “Then let me in Mark, stop telling me you love me while you are stiff arming me from being a part of your life, please…”

Mark looked at him with his sad blue eyes filled with tears and Ken couldn’t help it. He felt the strange tug at his heart and deep inside he felt Mark’s pain and confusion too, and his own dark green eyes watered as he felt the love he had for Mark rising up once more inside of him. His body was trembling a little as he walked over to the side of the bed, and he sat down, bringing one leg up onto the bed and facing Mark.

His emotions were all over the place but he couldn’t help himself. The sight of his lover in such pain, such indecision was too much and his resolve seemed to melt as he reached up with one hand to wipe away a rolling tear from the side of Mark’s face. How could he even think of leaving this man? He didn’t know what was going on, and maybe he was being harsh, after all he wasn’t the one facing losing a son forever, how could he be so selfish and yet, well it was hard to be on the outside, it felt too frustrating not being able to help.

God, just staring into those troubled blue eyes was gut wrenching to him as he let his hand brush the side of Mark’s face. He could feel the man trembling and he tried to smile, unsure yet what would happen, but in his soul he knew that this was a turning point in their relationship. Fear reached out to snatch at his heart but somehow he managed to hold himself together, praying that Mark would feel his love, would recognize it for being true and not for something guided by physical actions.

There was so much that he wanted to tell Mark, yet he too felt that reserve, that strange mystique that made him hold back everything, and as he realized that he too grew sad. How could he expect Mark to trust him, to unburden himself when he too had held back things? Why was it that the male species was so damn afraid of just being who they were, why did they always have to put up a front? Surely with his own lover he should be able to be himself, and yet even he had held back.

Mark “Ken, I don’t mean to shut you out, really… it is just that, I am so scared Ken, I don’t want to lose you or Justin, and I shouldn’t have to even think about this, but…”

Ken “But what Mark? What did the lawyer tell you?”

Mark “Ken… shit, I can’t do it, I guess I knew that before I even went to that fancy priced lawyer, maybe he just brought it home, sort of like I really know deep down I’ll never make the pro’s, still bust my ass trying but deep down, I know the truth.”

Ken “Come on Mark, you know that isn’t true, you still have a shot, hell man you are playing better than any of those punk kids are…”

Mark “That’s sweet, but don’t kid yourself or me, you know it is true, I am never going to make the pro’s and I will never have a chance to right the wrongs with Justin, only think I can hope for is that I don’t lose you as well.”

The despair just seemed to pour into his own body from Mark’s and as Mark had spoken, he could feel the pain as it was racing up and down Mark’s spine. He shuddered as he felt his own fears, his own doubts rising up to join those from Mark but deep down inside, where his spirit and soul nestled together he felt this sudden awakening, this sudden surge of inner calm that just simply smote the fears and doubts into submission. For this particular moment, his spirit had risen to the occasion.

Ken “I suppose if that is how you really feel inside, then yeah you won’t make the pro’s and you sure as hell won’t make it right with Justin, and you are right, most likely you and I will become just another statistic, if that is what you really want, if that is how you really feel inside…”

Mark “It isn’t what I want, damn, I want more than anything to have Justin here, with you and me, and I don’t want us to become a statistic as you call it, it is just that…”

Ken “That the fight seems hopeless? So, share it with me, let me help you, lean on me if you have to, but giving up, Mark that is sure fire a kiss of death to any chance of living our dreams, you know that too.”

Mark “But it’s a fight I can’t win Ken, don’t you see that?”

Ken “No I don’t see that, but I know that if you fight, you at least have a shot, turning and running only guarantees a loss.”

Mark “If I fight I wind up hurting you and Justin, I can’t do that, not even for a win, what kind of victory is it going to be if I ruin both of your lives? I couldn’t handle that Ken, you two are the most important things in my life, and how can I risk all that for some shallow court win?”

Ken “Maybe you will hurt Justin and me, maybe but Mark, maybe not? Christ, I am a big boy, I think I can handle whatever comes my way, and you know, Justin is your son too, he isn’t just hers.”

Mark looked hard and deep into Ken’s eyes and he saw that there was no doubt, no fear about the future and suddenly all of his own doubts, fears, concerns, seemed rather different. The feeling of Ken’s love wrapping around him was like a soft blanket, that was keeping the cold away from him and he smiled a little as deep inside of him he felt a strange fire beginning to flicker.

Maybe he could win without hurting the two people he loved? Maybe he could find a way to through all of the barriers to snatch what was right from out of the jaws of defeat? Just the thought of having Justin know the truth was maybe the best he could hope for, but at least Justin would know his side, and he was as Ken said, his son too. Maybe a part of his own sense of what was fair or not had rubbed off; maybe all it needed to surface in Justin was a push from him?

Sitting in bed, Ken’s hand resting lightly on his shoulder and his face staring so lovingly into his face, he felt a sense of hope that he had been missing, had lacked for the last few days and he knew that Ken was right, he couldn’t do this on his own, he needed to have Ken’s involvement, but what would it do to him? How can he just suddenly expect Ken to risk all he had achieved just so he could have a chance at making Justin what had happened? How could any of that help keep them together instead of driving a wedge between them?

Mark “I am not good at this Ken, at sharing how I feel, maybe if I had been, things might have turned out with Heather and me, but, now, I don’t know, I never knew that love could hurt so much.”

Ken “Maybe its not the love that is hurting, I mean, maybe its that in order to really be in love, we kind have to discard some of that old shit we were taught, maybe we have to learn to trust in each other when everything tells us to run, and maybe its that that hurts so much, I don’t know, all I do know is I want to be with you, not just the outside stuff, the physical stuff, but more, maybe its greedy of me, or selfish, but all I know is that I want all of you, every part of you including your feelings, your doubts, your fears, and even your demons.”

Mark “Doesn’t that scare you? I mean, knowing all that, aren’t you afraid that it will turn you away? I know it does with me.”

Ken “That’s just it Mark, it does scare me but somehow, I don’t know, but inside, deep down, it feels like no matter what it is, if you love me and I love you, well we can get thru all that. So yeah it scares me, but it also kind of excites me too, weird but it does Mark.”

Mark “I wish I had your strength…”

Ken “You can Mark, all you have to do is ask for it.”

The fog that had clouded his thoughts for the last few days suddenly seemed less thick, less mysterious and he breathed a deep sigh of sudden relief. He couldn’t explain it but he felt a strange sense of confidence forming inside of him and the thought of facing another bout with Heather suddenly didn’t seem so daunting. He looked at Ken and he knew in his heart, that he was lucky to have found such a warm wonderful person, and that maybe Ken was right, maybe the pain was in discarding a lifetime of training for what really mattered.

With the weight lessened he felt a strange giddiness as he reached out and lightly touched Ken on his bare arm. The feeling was like electrical in the sense that he felt a strange jolt inside, almost like someone had just kick started his heart. The feeling made him warm and he felt this time a trickle of tears but not from pain or sorrow, but instead from pleasure. For the first time maybe, he felt the surge of hope that he really wasn’t a loser, that he too was worth loving and worth fighting for.

5:21 p.m. (PST)

He heard the chimes sounding far off inside the rolling depths of the house that was the McHenry kingdom. The sweat was pouring on his forehead and not from the hard ride on his bike either but from his own nervousness. The sweat was rolling in the palms of his hands too, despite his constant swiping of his hands against the faded denim of his pants.

Zack had rode up to the house in a hurry and now as he waited for someone to answer his ring, he managed to take a brief look at the house. He noticed the shiny black Mercedes in the driveway and his heart quickened a little, knowing that Tyler’s parents hadn’t left yet. He was feeling more nervous with each passing second and thoughts of bolting and heading home came often to his tortured mind but the idea of being with Tyler for the evening was just too powerful of a thought so he stayed waiting, wiping his hands on his pants.

The sound of a thundering voice grew closer and he could feel his legs starting to shake a little as he heard the door being opened. His eyes were a bit misted as he stared at the massive figure that stood before him. He was totally mesmerized by the 6ft 2in man that greeted him. The guy was absolutely huge in his eyes and yet he didn’t look like he could be a father, but he could see Tyler in him and that added to his nervousness.

Jason McHenry “Yes?”

Zack “uh, sorry, uh is Tyler here? I uh, I am Zack.”

Jason “Oh? Tyler said you were coming by, well come in, the boys are in the rec room downstairs, just head on down those stairs there.”

‘The boys?’ Shit, now what did he do? Tyler said it would just be the two of them, so what happened? Christ, was this a setup maybe? Was there something else being planned for tonight, after all it was Saturday and no way the hottest kid in school stayed home, unless… fuck what if this was just a way to confront him about what Justin had seen? Fuck, maybe he should leave but how would he explain it if he was wrong? Christ why did this shit always happen to him?

Zack “oh, uh, thanks.”

He glanced back to see Mr. McHenry glance at his watch and he saw the way it sparkled. This was certainly not like his place, everything looked so plush, so expensive and here he was, entering the place where Tyler lived. His nerves were already on edge as he started down the steps and the lump in his throat was starting to really hurt as he wondered what awaited him downstairs.

It was dumb of him to think that Tyler would be alone, but it had sure sounded like that was the plan but now there was someone else and as he trudged down the stairs, he could hear the voices of Tyler and someone else, confirming that Tyler had other company.  The other voice sounded like he should know it but in his nervous state he just couldn’t place it. He was feeling sick now too as his foot finally rested on the floor of the downstairs.

Everything was getting kind of spinney as he felt himself starting to hyperventilate. Christ that was just what he needed now, to pass out from being scared, God it would be almost as bad as being outed. With a rising sense of doom he tried to take deep breathes, wheezing a little and as he did he heard the two young voices stop.

Tyler “Hey, that you dad?”

Shit, so much for turning around and leaving, but I, shit, I am dead either way, besides maybe its not what I think?

Zack “Uh no, its uh, its Zack.”

Tyler “Hey, well come on in, we got pizza coming soon.”

With his heart in his throat and his legs feeling like they were about to collapse on him he managed to head down the short hallway towards the brightly lit room that Tyler’s voice had come from. He reached the entrance and stepped inside where he felt a dagger pierce his heart, as standing by the weight bench was Justin, right next to Tyler.

Tyler “Hey Zack, you know Justin don’t you?”

Zack “Sure, yeah, uh hi Justin.”

Justin “Hey”

Tyler “Justin popped by on his way home from that arcade down a ways, you been there yet Zack?”

Shit, what is he doing here? Is he going to blow the whistle on me or what?

Zack “Huh? Uh, no, was thinking of going though, heard they uh got some cool games.”

Fuck this is weird, he can barely stand to be in the same room as me, don’t blame him either, fuck what a mess I made of this, so what if he’s maybe queer, he did help me out, and twice too, fuck no wonder dad is so disappointed in me, fuck why can’t I do the right thing?

Justin “Yeah they got that new arcade one, the one everyone talks about, its uh tough one, uh, you play arcade games much Zack?”

Zack “Me? Uh not really, just the odd ones on my computer, but uh no, not really.”

Tyler “I like that new Madden Football one, you try that one yet Justin?”

Justin “No, my mom doesn’t like it when I play computer games, she is always ragging on me to do other things.”

Tyler “Yeah so’s mine, but Dad always tells her that this is part of my studies, learning how plays work and stuff, haha, so I get away with it.”

Justin “Cool, wish my dad was here.”

Tyler “Oh? Yeah, sorry, must be a royal pain not having him around and stuff, uh, say, you wanna stay for pizza with Zack and me? That okay with you Zack?”

What did he mean, wishes his dad was here? Shit, I shouldn’t have come, what do I have in common with either of them, they are jocks and popular, hell Justin is more popular than me, and he’s only been here a short time, fuck why do I put myself into these situations? I should make some excuse and head home, but what excuse would work?

Zack “huh? Oh yeah sure, fine.”

Justin “you sure? I mean, really don’t want to go home and face the dragon lady right now.”

Tyler “Sure it is, told Dad to get a super large, pepperoni and bacon with extra cheese, okay with you guys?”

Zack “Fine with me.” Justin “Me too, sure you don’t mind?”

Tyler “Nah, besides you can help spot after, told Zack I’d help him get into a workout program, right Zack?”

Zack “Yeah, uh, right.”

Justin “Why do you want to work out? You going to try out for the team or something?”

He flinched, I am sure he did when Tyler asked him to help spot, he can’t stand being near a fag, he has to be thinking that, but what can I do? If I leave, he’ll tell Tyler, I just know it, but what if he tells him anyways? Fuck why did he have to see that book?

Zack “Uh, no, I am not good at sports, just that…”

Tyler “Just helping him beef up so he can stand a better chance with the ladies, right Zack?”

Oh Christ, that tears it, I bet now Justin is going to tell him, what do I do, I should leave, but then…fuck this is too much I feel like puking, but I can’t, they’ll know then, I can’t let on, I have to deal with this, shit, why do the hot guys always have to be jocks or such? Oh God, how can I think about that now? I am dead, I know it.

Zack “huh? Uh, well, uh, I suppose so.”

Tyler “Yep, hey hang tough, gotta run upstairs and make sure the old man orders the right pizza, he’s a pineapple and ham freak, back in sec.”

He did everything he could to not stare at Justin but it was impossible. He could feel Justin’s eyes on him, the way he seemed to be staring at him was making him even more nervous and yet he felt kind of different too. At least so far Justin hadn’t told anyone, but then maybe he had gotten here before Justin could tell Tyler about Zack’s special book. Christ, should he run or try to bluff it out?

Justin “Uh, you sure you don’t mind me hanging with you and Tyler for a bit?”

Zack “Huh? No, its fine, just here to help him with that English stuff anyways.”

Justin “Yeah he told me, uh, thanks again for uh, for lending me your bike the other morning.”

Zack “No sweat.”

Justin “Thanks anyways, uh, you really know all that English stuff?”

Zack “Yeah, more or less.”

Justin “I don’t get it really, uh, I know I shouldn’t uh ask, but mind if I kind of stay and listen? I am not doing so hot and well…”

Zack “Sure, I don’t mind, up to Tyler though…”

Tyler “What’s up to me?”

Justin “Oh, uh, I was asking if he minded if I listened to the English stuff, I kind of, uh well I mean…”

Tyler “Hey no problem here, you cool with it Zack?

Why was Justin so determined to stay? Was he trying to maybe protect Tyler from me? Nah, like Tyler couldn’t handle me on his own? Shit, is there something else happening that as usual has gone over my head? Fuck, why can’t it just end, why all this suspense, maybe I should just come clean, and take it from there? Fuck am I nuts, I’d get killed, no I just need to shut up and play it cool, thing is, I want them too, Christ I gotta be a fucking queer, thinking like this when at any second Justin could blurt it out and my life will end. Fuck fuck.

Zack “Yeah sure, no problem Tyler.”

Tyler could feel the tension, sort of, and he did kind of wonder what it was about Justin and Zack that had him thinking this way? Justin was cool, tough luck about his dad and all but he shouldn’t be letting it get to him so much. Besides, there really wasn’t much he could do to change it what with him being here and his dad off in Florida playing ball. It fucking sucked though, a guy needed his dad around.

Now Zack on the other hand was just downright different. He was so scared of stuff, the way he would almost jump a mile high when someone talked to him at school, but he had to admit, the guy knew his school stuff and he needed that help. He always did have a soft spot for the underdog too; maybe that was why he liked Zack?

In some ways he was kind of pissed off too, after all why should anyone but you and the other person determine who could be friends or not? He hated the way it was so important for him to associate with everyone on the team, specially creeps like Brian, but it was expected of him and he was the Quarterback too, and team captain, so he had no choice really.

He tried to keep the conversation going but found it tough sledding as both Justin and Zack seemed lost in their own little worlds and he was damn glad when the door bell chimed out, because he could then escape to get the pizza and he also knew that at least while eating, he wouldn’t have to play at being the host.

With the huge box sitting on the floor, they listened to the latest music from the stereo that Mr. McHenry had installed downstairs for Tyler. It was blaring and so Zack felt slightly at ease as he more or less nibbled at his slice of pizza. Conversation was hard with the loud bang of the music and he kind of wondered why all the kids listened to it? None of it really made much sense and he hated the rap shit that was all the rage too.

Justin ate his pizza feeling a bit guilty, after all he had eaten at the arcade, but something about Paul still irked him. The guy was nice and all and put no pressure on him but he just felt weird letting this old guy buy him tokens and then food.  He had enough problems dealing with his mother and her new boyfriend, Christ that guy was a real jerk and he wished he could just take off, head back to Florida but it was so fucking far away, and he didn’t have much money stashed away either. There had to be a way to get home, to get back to his dad but then, what would he to if his dad refused to have him?

He didn’t know why he was so bummed out, he should be happy after all he played video games all day long and now was eating pizza with the schools most popular guy and as a bonus, it seemed Zack wasn’t all that ticked with him for not standing up to Brian earlier in the week, so why the fuck was he so nervous? What was it about being near Zack and now Tyler that was making him almost gag on the pizza?

Okay, maybe he felt weird about what he had seen, but then again he could be jumping to conclusions, after all, maybe it was just an art assignment or something? Didn’t have to mean that Zack was a fag did it? Shit, there were some drawings of a girl too, looked like Sheryl, Tyler’s girlfriend, so maybe he was just being a jerk? Seemed he was always being a jerk lately, but how could he change? He didn’t want to piss off Tyler but he really felt like he should not stay but fuck, he did need to get his grades up and besides, going to his house wasn’t his idea of relaxing, even if his mom was out at some party.

Tyler was feeling bloated and he stared down at the huge pizza box and saw there were two pieces left. No way could he eat anymore, besides he had pigged out and felt like shit, wondering if maybe he’d work a bit too, just to get rid of the gas. He belched loudly which made both Justin and Zack look up from their laps. Tyler laughed and belched again, feeling better as he saw Justin grin a little and even Zack seemed a bit more at ease.

Tyler “Man that felt good, haha”

Justin “Haha, yeah, sounded gross though.”

Tyler “Hey, that’s what being a man is, hanging with your buds and belching and scratching, least that’s how my Mom puts it when Dad heads off to his weekly poker game. Haha”

Justin “Yeah? Cool, my Mom just rags on me, tells me no gentleman belches, only crude people do, then usually she goes off on one of her lectures.”

Tyler “That’s rough, glad my mom doesn’t do that, hey Zack, come on man, eat up, don’t you like the pizza?”

Zack “huh, uh yeah its good, guess I am not that hungry.”

Justin “It is good pizza, there is more cheese than what we get back home.”

Tyler “Yeah? I like the extra cheese, come on Zack, grab another piece, you need the energy, haha right Justin?”

Justin “Huh? Oh yeah, if you going to work out, need to have a good meal.”

Zack managed to get the first piece down but he was having trouble with the last one, despite the encouragement from both Tyler and Justin. It was like he had suddenly become their pet project or something, which really didn’t bother him too much. It did feel kind of neat actually, to have Tyler kidding him and pushing him a little, even Justin seemed to be friendlier and he was determined not to disappoint either of them. This was the closest he ever felt to being a part of a group, and it made him relax just a little until he was finally finished. It all changed then as Tyler stood up and said it was time to start the workout.

Tyler “Ready to work that pizza off Zack?”

Zack “I guess, uh, you really don’t have to do this, I mean I don’t mind helping with the English, and…”

Tyler “Haha, no way you getting off that easy, listen to him Justin, what do you think, maybe start off with some warm up exercises like leg stretches and jumping jacks?”

Justin “Yeah, sounds about right to me.”

Tyler “Yep, so, you bring some shorts or sweats Zack?”

Zack “uh, yeah.”

Tyler “Cool, you going to join us Justin?”

Justin “Well, suppose, don’t have any sweats with me, but fuck it, why not.”

Tyler “No sweat, come with me and you can borrow a pair of mine if you want, I got tons.”

Justin “Okay, sure.”

Tyler “Great, won’t be long Zack, give you a chance to get changed too, okay?”

Zack “uh, yeah, sure.”

He waited until he heard the thump of feet over his head before he dared to even unbutton his shirt. Suddenly it all was real to him and not only that, but he’d be in just gym shorts with both Tyler and Justin. Christ, he could feel his dick getting hard, which was all he needed now, to have a boner in his shorts when they walked back in.

Zack tossed his shirt aside and then kicked off his runners and stripped his jeans off, and then he sort of looked around, not sure if really should have his pants off, his shorts were kind of small and he could feel his prick pressing against them. He shoved his hand down and tried to push his hard dick to one side and as he did he could feel the panic rising up inside once more.

What was he going to do if they spotted his boner? Would they shrug it off or would Justin suddenly out him? God, he’d die if Tyler found out about his drawings, and he knew that he would too, there was no longer any doubt in his mind that Tyler would find out that he was a fag, but there was no escaping it now. He bent down to put his runners on, his erection gone as the thought of being exposed ended all thoughts about how hot Justin and Tyler were.

As he bent over, putting one foot up on the workout bench, he suddenly heard a low whistle and turned around to see both Tyler and Justin staring at him. His mouth was open as he saw them both staring at him, and for some stupid reason he felt like he was standing there naked, waiting for them to pass judgement on him.