Chapter 4

Wednesday April 24th

1:15 a.m.

He had to be a complete idiot, to be sitting under this tree at this time of night. It wasn’t that he was doing anything wrong really, just that you normally didn’t see some 16 year old sitting under a tree in this neighbourhood at this time of night, and he really didn’t want any run ins with the cops. He had already seen one cruiser go by and he was sure it would be back but he couldn’t help it, he just had to be here for some dumb ass reason.

Staring across he had seen the lights go off just shortly after he had gotten here, and that was well over an hour ago and still he just sat there, watching as if it would make any difference. He couldn’t explain it, not for all the damn rice in China could he explain first of all why he had spilled his guts to some stranger online, secondly to why he had this dumb urge to hang out here. It was almost as if he was returning to the scene of the crime, but Christ, what crime had been committed?

Okay, so he shouldn’t have looked at that book, it was a mistake but shit Zack shouldn’t have left it out like that, but then that wasn’t fair either, after all he hadn’t expected him to show up and then at school, that was wrong, he was a complete asshole and then he went and blabbed to some guy online? Yeah, maybe a crime had been committed, and by him.

Sitting there he felt the pain of being so alone. He didn’t understand it at all, why first his entire life gets thrown into a spin, and then his dad simply disappears from his life, and now the only guy who had been decent to him, he stiffed and didn’t help out when he needed it. Fuck, no wonder his father didn’t want to have anything to do with him now, he knew what a complete shit he was.

Justin could feel the pain, it hurt so much, and he didn’t know why either? Was he really that bad of a person? He had thought he was a pretty decent guy, but obviously that was just bullshit, and it explained why no one from back home answered his emails either. They were glad to be rid of him, and for the first time he could understand why. He really didn’t like himself either and it didn’t matter what excuses ‘lefty’ came up for him, it was wrong, he should have stood up for Zack, even if the guy was a dweep, fag, or all of the above.

He leaned back against the hard bark of the tree and he could feel the ridges of it digging into his young backside and he squirmed a bit as he sat there, staring over at Zack’s house, and he wondered what he was thinking? Was he crying as he slept because of Brian’s bullying or maybe because he had been let down by someone he had befriended? Christ, was he causing Zack to toss and turn and spit fire at the thought of his name, like his father must be doing?

His own eyes teared up as he thought about his dad and he couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow his dad would be ashamed of him as much as he was for himself. He could hear his dad now, telling him that a friend never let another friend down, hell that was also what every damn coach he ever had said, but he never really thought about how it applied to life. He always assumed it was about the team, the game and not for real life, but he knew different now, or did he?

Staring at Zack’s house, he could hear his father asking him what he was going to do to make it right. His father was big on that, on seeing a problem and then fixing it, but if that was true, why then wasn’t his dad here now, fixing what he did wrong? Why did he just leave him alone, not even answering any messages, any calls, nothing as if he just no longer existed? Wasn’t all that fatherly advise meant to apply to everyone or was it just screw-ups like him?

For two cents he’d pack his shit and hit the road, maybe go join some circus or some other shit that you did when you were either too stupid or just plain no good. He really didn’t mean to hurt Zack, it was just that he was confused, he had never really met anyone who thought of guys like Zack did and it was kind of icky to think about too but then, it really was a part of life and he really shouldn’t be all that upset, after all Zack hadn’t come on to him or anything.

Justin just stared as the night grew cold and he was scared too as the cruiser came by again and he knew this time there would be no Zack to bail his sorry ass out of trouble. Why did he have to be such a jerk at times? Sure ‘Lefty’ seemed to have all the answers but there was something that nagged at him about ‘lefty’. There few private chats and messages were okay, but the guy did seem to be horny a lot. He always was talking too about the arcade place where he worked and how much fun it was. He kept inviting Justin over too, which was okay and yet something told him to play it cool, even though he sure was dying to try out that new video game that ‘Lefty’ had said they just got in. One of those virtual reality type things and ‘Lefty’ had said that he could get a few free tokens for it if he had wanted.

Maybe that is what he should do after all? It wasn’t like it was some secluded spot or anything and he did like to play those video games. He had read all about the new wave of virtual reality stuff and was eager to try it out. The local arcade back in Florida had one come in just as he was leaving, but he didn’t get a chance to play it due to all the shit his mom was raising, plus it cost a whole $10 for only 5 minutes. He just didn’t think he could shell out that kind of money when he didn’t even know where they were moving to, so he had passed but maybe ‘Lefty’ could get him those freebies? Man, that would sure be something, and it would get his stupid brain off his back too. He hated all this thinking stuff, it was hard enough being a kid never mind now having to try and figure out stuff like Zack and school without someone to help.

3:45 a.m.

He tossed the covers off again and stared up at the ceiling. His eyes were still misted over and he hated feeling this way. Why couldn’t people just leave him alone and let him be? Did they have to judge him so much or was it that they were just scared and didn’t want to admit it? Maybe that was it, maybe they felt they would find what he did wasn’t all that different, or that they had the same desires? God, to think of Tyler maybe actually, but no that was just a fantasy and he had enough of those, besides which they never did get him anywhere but into trouble.

Zack swung out of bed and walked over to this computer and then he stared out the window, looking at the quiet street that was there, noting the swaying branches of the trees across the street and wondering why Justin had not spilled the beans about him? Could it be that maybe Justin was confused too? After all he had spent the night and Zack was pretty sure that he had a woody when he got up, but that was supposed to be normal for all teenagers, even the straight ones so why didn’t Justin spill it?

There was just too much for him to think and he fired up the computer wondering if anyone was in the chat room but a quick check showed no one there, which was just as well, cause he really didn’t feel much like talking to the regulars, specially that ‘Lefty’ character. God he was weird, the way he wanted to know some personal stuff, and acting like he was a big brother to everyone in the room. He had heard about how some old farts would troll the teenage chat rooms and he wondered if ‘Lefty’ was one of those? Would explain a lot especially how he was always saying how he’d get free tokens for his online buds. Yeah, sure he thought, but something told him there would be a price to pay so he always backed off.

Zack turned his attention back to the window for some odd reason and he just stared out at it. He was thinking about when he had spied Justin and the cops, and maybe that was why Justin kept quiet, because he owed him for saving his ass that night? Could be but he wish it was because Justin liked him, and yeah it would be nice if it was more than just friendship, but he doubted if he’d ever know what another guy was like in bed until he got his own sorry ass out of the house and off to college. Now there he might actually find out what it felt like to be kissed by another man, but it sure as hell wasn’t going to happen in High School, least not at the way he was going about it.

Shit, sitting at almost 4 in the morning dreaming about ‘untouchables’ was not going to get him a kiss let alone a damn boyfriend. Geez, that would be nice though, to have someone who could hold him in his arms, keep him safe and who would stand beside him no matter what. That was what he wanted, someone who he could confide in, talk to about the really personal stuff, like why did he feel so bad for being different? No one could explain that, and all the stuff he read online was all so damn clinical. They all pretty well said that being gay wasn’t an illness or even a choice, it was just who a person was but that still didn’t explain why he felt so damn shitty about it.

Christ, he’d love to talk to his parents about it, but he knew his Mom wouldn’t understand, and all his dad would do would be to look at him, shake his head and most likely find a shrink for him but he wouldn’t understand, least Zack didn’t think he would. Maybe ‘lefty’ was right, adults for the most part didn’t try to understand kids and their problems because they actually might have to come up with some answers. Damn, he was sure ‘lefty’ was no teenager, but he sure didn’t mind talking about his experiences. Maybe a trip to the arcade wouldn’t hurt, he could go and just check out and not let on he was ‘timid69′ or anything like that.

As he stared out at the quiet street, he saw a dark shadow leaning against one of the old trees across the street and he squinted his eyes in an effort to try and make it out but he had no luck. It just looked like a bag of leaves or something leaning against the tree but he hadn’t noticed it before, besides, he did the yard work for the people that lived there, unless they had gone and hired someone else. Shit, that was all he needed on top of school and Justin was to lose out on some yard work that paid pretty good. He liked having his own source of money and as he didn’t spend too much he did have a bit saved too, which meant he really could go and check out the arcade without much problem.

His thoughts were all a mess this morning, and he kept thinking about Tyler and Justin. Where they? Could they be? All of it was so confusing, because Justin hadn’t said anything at school, okay he didn’t do anything either but at least he hadn’t said anything. So maybe he was sympathetic to it or as some shrinks called it, ‘gay curious’? That could be, but then how did he find out without getting his head knocked off?

Then there was Tyler too, the one he had been dreaming about now for ages, ever since he first saw him at P.E. with his shirt off and in those tight blue gym shorts. God, he looked like a Greek God the way his body just bulged with muscles all over, especially in the groin department. It was funny too, the way Sheryl had talked about him too, how he never seemed to be the horny teenager that everyone expected. He had listened to her comments one night, when she had asked him if he thought she was ugly or something.

Strange, but she and Tyler had only had sex a few times, and she thought she’d get a guy’s opinion, unaware that her desires to be more intimate with Tyler was also Zack’s fantasy. He had to smile at that, and he devoured every detail of her brief description of the young super jock like it was his last meal or something. Just thinking about that time made him harder than he thought possible and he reached down with his hand to lightly play with his dick.

Zack didn’t jerk off really all that much, he still had this feeling of guilt whenever he did, because he wasn’t thinking of Brittany Spears or such, but of Tyler or some hot young movie star like David Gallagher of 7th Heaven fame, or such. He really did want Tyler or Justin now but as his hand moved along his hard blood gorged penis, his mind also started in on him, reminding him how hard he had gotten with Sheryl’s description of Tyler and how she had to have noticed, otherwise why did she never discuss such things with him again? He had tried, broaching the subject several times, but each time she just turned away his questions without providing any answers.

His hand stopped stroking as a small tear came to his eyes as a wave of emptiness and loneliness just seemed to wash all over him. He felt so alone, so cold even and yet he knew it was just an illusion. It was just, well, how could he explain it, he felt like he was a lone tree on a deserted island stuck in the middle of the pacific ocean.

All thoughts of sex left his mind as he sighed and stood back up and with a backward glance at the tree across the street, he headed back to his bed, still feeling like the weight of the whole world was still resting squarely on his young shoulders. He knew it was something he would have to learn to accept but he just couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to his life than always hiding who he really was. One day, maybe when his generation grew up things would change, but then, would they?

6:15 a.m. P.S.T.

Shawn was tossing his paper when he spotted the figure lying under the old gnarled tree and he stopped his motion, skidding to a stop as he stared at the young sleeping man under the tree when it dawned on him that he knew the guy. It wasn’t just some street bum as he had first thought and he wondered what the hell was he doing there?

“Hey, That you Justin?”

Justin heard his name and murmured a little sigh as he twisted his body around, keeping his arms around his body, feeling a bit chilled and the persistent calling finally penetrated through the sleep and he opened his eyes to see a tall young man peering at him. He blinked as the face looked familiar and he struggled to come awake as he nodded and brought his hands up to wipe away the sleep.

Justin ”Hey”

Shawn ”What you doing sleeping out here man? You okay?”

Justin ”Huh? Oh, dozed off I guess, uh, I was out jogging, guess I got tired and crashed here.”

Shawn ”Oh, shit you always go jogging late at night? Man, you can run into some really weird dudes at night man.”

Justin ”Yeah, haven’t really so far, but yeah I suppose, uh, what time is it?”

Shawn ”Shit, about quarter after six if I am on time.”

Justin ”Fuck, I gotta jet, shit if my old lady catches me being out all night, fuck, hey, can I borrow your bike? I’ll never make it running…”

Shawn ”I would, but I got all these papers still to deliver…”

Justin ”Man I am fucked, shit, what am I going to do man? She’ll ground me for sure.”

Shawn ”Hey, why not borrow Zack’s bike?”

Justin ”Huh? Uh, well…”

Shawn ”Shit, he’s right across the street man, he’ll loan it to you, come on, I’ll ask for you if you want?”

Justin ”Uh, isn’t that the guy that uh, shit, wasn’t he the one Brian was picking on yesterday?”

Shawn ”Yeah, have to have a talk with Brian about that too.”

Justin ”You do? Why?”

Shawn ”Look, I know you don’t know Zack, not sure even I do and I’ve known him for years, but he’s okay man, bit weird at times, quiet too but he’s okay.”

Justin ”Weird? Yeah he kind of, I mean uh, I don’t know, sure he’ll not mind?”

Shawn ”Nah, he’ll do it, I’ll vouch for you.”

Justin ”well, I do need to get home fast, and, shit, I really don’t like doing this, you sure he’ll be uh cool with it?”

Shawn ”Sure, I’ll swing by after I do my route and he can ride double to school.”

Justin ”Oh? You don’t mind him riding double with you?”

Shawn ”Huh? No, not my choice but he’s a friend, hey, what’s this all about?”

Justin ”Nothing, uh just asking, sure you don’t mind asking him?”

Shawn ”Nah, hang on here, watch the papers for me and I’ll go get the bike now if you want?”

Justin ”Uh thanks Shawn, it will bail me out for sure.”

Shawn ”No sweat, anything for a fellow player man.”

Justin ”Cool, thanks.”

Shawn jogged across the street and Justin watched as he tapped on the very same window that he had looked out only 24 hours earlier, and had made his discovery of Zack’s secret. Looking at Shawn he wondered if Zack’s friend knew him that well to? Was Shawn maybe queer too or what? Shit, you just didn’t know anymore, but he did know that Shawn had some cheerleader girl friend, so maybe he was just acting paranoid or something. Damn, he wished he could talk to his dad, he’d help him sort this shit out for him, maybe if he called him he would talk to him?

He saw Zack’s head at the open window and he wondered if he would say anything about yesterday to Shawn? Christ he hadn’t thought about that, what if Zack told him he had spent the night and now was found camping out here? Shit, he could just hear the rumours going on that one and he shivered a little as he felt that he was slowly being backed into a corner where he wouldn’t be able to get out. Damn this world and damn his mother for making his dad leave and moving them to this flaky part of the country. Bad enough he had leave his friends than to come to California as well. Least if he’d have stayed in Florida he could always hitch to his dad.

Zack ”Hey what’s up?”

Shawn ”Hey man, uh can I borrow your bike for a friend?”

Zack ”Huh?  Sure, I guess, what friend? Hey isn’t that the new kid over there?”

Shawn ”Yeah, he jogs at night, go figure those easterners man, he fell asleep and needs to borrow a bike to get home before his mom cans his ass.”

Zack ”Oh? Why didn’t he just knock on the window?”

Shawn ”Geez bud, you still sleeping, how was he to know you lived across the street? He’s new, remember?”

Zack felt a slight tremor of terror as he realized he had almost blown it for himself. God, when we he learn to just keep his mouth shut and stop asking questions, fuck, and what the hell was Justin doing sleeping across the street from his house? Man, he sure wished he could ask that question, but he knew he would never have the nerve to. The idea though, shit, he could feel himself getting another boner, so he leaned in tighter to the window, hoping Shawn couldn’t see in and notice.

Zack ”Huh? Oh, uh, yeah right, sorry Shawn, guess I am still sleeping.”

Shawn ”So? Okay if he takes your bike? He’ll bring it to school and you can grab it there, How’s that?”

Zack ”Uh, yeah, I guess so, how’s he going to get home then? I mean, uh, if he brings my bike to school, well…”

Shawn ”Shit, didn’t think of that, I don’t know, maybe you’d double him home?”

Zack ”Fuck, no way… I mean uh, I got enough, shit what if Brian sees us? He’ll be mouthing off even more, and uh, well, uh, I don’t think Justin likes me anyways.”

Damn how did he get himself into this crap? No way could he handle sitting in back of Justin while riding to his place and then head home, nor could he sit on the damn handlebars either, fuck, he’d be a total wreck by the time he got to Justin’s house. Worse, he had to be home and finished dinner early so he could be ready for Tyler and his tutoring help. Damn, would that still be on? He peered past Shawn’s beefy shoulder and he could see Justin standing staring towards him, and he felt a strange glow inside, like maybe it was a connection but fuck, he had to be dreaming all this, no way Justin was queer and even if he was, why the fuck would he want a geek like him?

He knew Shawn was looking at him strange too, but he could pass it off as still being half asleep, still Shawn was no dummy either and that worried Zack too. What would Shawn do if he found out Zack was a fruit? Would he dump him as a friend or would he stick? Knowing Shawn he kind of thought he’d stick, but then he was a Jock too, and he had an image to keep up so he might dump him simply out of necessity rather than choice. Christ, it was too early in the morning for this shit; he just wished it would stop intruding so much on his thoughts. Why couldn’t he just have his dreams and let the real life go on without a thought?

Shawn ”Huh? What brought all that shit on? Justin is cool, shit cut him some slack there bud, he’s new here and as for Brian, well fuck him, no one really listens to him anyhow.”

Zack ”yeah they do, sure as fuck did yesterday.”

Shawn ”Well, shit Zack, what do you want me to say? Brian is a jerk, okay? But Justin needs a hand, look, I’ll lend him mine if you’ll loan me yours then? Will that make you feel better?”

Shawn stared at his friend and wondered what the fuck was going on in his head this morning? He had heard that Brian had given him a rough time and all, but that was Brian, he gave everyone he didn’t like a rough time but it had never bothered Zack this much before? Guess he better go have a talk with Brian, get him to try and leave Zack alone, after all they had been friends for a long time and while Zack was a bit of a geek at school, he really was pretty nice. He just needed to come out of his shell and start dating, that would change his status some at school and make his life a whole lot easier too.

Zack ”Sorry Shawn, guess I am just grumpy first thing, it’s around back, you know the combo, he can borrow it and tell him to leave it as his place, I can get it from there. Least then I won’t have Brian to worry about.”

Shawn ”You sure man? I mean, I don’t mind doubling back with you?”

Zack ”Yeah you do, we both know how you hate doubling.”

Shawn ”Well unless it’s Marsha, haha”

Zack ”Yeah, okay see you at school then, you don’t need me to walk the bike over.”

Shawn ”Thanks Zack, owe you one”

Zack ”No, it’s cool.”

Justin had watched the two young men talking, his heart feeling nervous and his stomach was queasy for some unknown reason, and he kept licking his lips, wondering if Zack would spill it that he had been there the other night. Christ it was just what he didn’t need, for Shawn to think he was queer or something, it was hard enough trying to fit in without that kind of shit to fend off. He really wished his dad was around and he felt even more alone as he watched Shawn head off around to the side of the house, to get the bike no doubt.

He stared across the street and saw Zack staring at him from his window and he felt a slight twinge at his heart and at his conscience too. He should have gone over with Shawn, at least to thank him for the loan of the bike but well hell; he still didn’t know how he felt about what he knew about Zack. Then again, did he really know anything beyond the fact that Zack drew pictures of naked guys?

Christ he had to look away, he could feel the eyes burning into him and searching for his heart and soul and yet he wasn’t prepared for that right now, he just couldn’t stand the way he was feeling. It was all too confusing to him yet there was part of him that said he had nothing to be sorry for, after all he wasn’t the queer boy, but another part of him was curious too, and wondered if maybe he was, if maybe something he was doing was saying to Zack that he was available for that kind of thing.

None of it made sense to him as he glanced away, breaking the eye contact that had made him shuffle his feet and look away. How could someone across the street have such an effect on him? Shit, they didn’t really know each other, and really all that had happened was that Zack had helped him out, why should he be feeling so weirded out by that?

9:30 a.m. E.S.T.

Mark Patterson stared at his watch for the umpteenth time as he waited in the plush leather chair facing the large mahogany desk. Looking around at the opulence he was pretty certain that he couldn’t afford this guy but he couldn’t stand it any longer. Just a month even and he was climbing the walls imagining all sorts of things. Ken had finally told him too, get a lawyer and deal with it all or else. He didn’t like the ‘or else’ bit at all, but Ken was right, and he was miserable at home and taking it out on Ken. That wasn’t fair to him and his own job was suffering along with Ken.

He couldn’t explain it much, but he had one of the worst nights ever last night, tossing and turning and just plain feeling like something was going wrong, something wasn’t right and he had even found himself reaching for the phone several times, wanting to call to find out if his son Justin was okay, but each time he held back, the restraint order looming before his eyes.

Damn bitch, how could she even think that he would want to harm his son? Didn’t she understand that he loved Justin like no one else could? Did she really think that he saw his own son, his own flesh and blood as a potential sex partner? And she had the nerve to call him ‘SICKO’? This world was totally fucked, and it amazed him that sane rational men, could automatically assume he was a pervert, not from any evidence, but simply because he was an admitted homosexual.

The Judge had asked him one question, was he a homosexual, and that was it. Nothing else seemed to matter and the jerk ass lawyer he had wasn’t really much better, telling him that his chosen lifestyle wasn’t going to help and he had fumed, because he knew in his heart that this wasn’t a choice for him, it was who he was and that shouldn’t be held against him. Hell his own lawyer hadn’t even objected to the one question asked him by the Judge, when he should have been jumping up out of sheer indignation, but no, not his lawyer. It was almost as if the man deliberately let him hang out there alone and so he had no options left, at least so he thought.

Not only had the asshole Judge issued the restraint order against him on the grounds that he posed a serious threat to the minor, Justin, but had also added to it by denying him any access, including E-Mail, Telephone, Regular Mail, or any other means of communication, unless initiated by his ex-wife, not even Justin could initiate the contact, and the order specifically denied him the right to respond to such contact on penalty of jail. How could he? There was nothing in his entire past to show he was a threat, but now he had that hanging over his head and it was eating away at him, at his very soul because he really did love his son.

Glancing once more at his watch, he could see that he would be late again for practise and that also irritated him. The team had known something was up but exactly what they didn’t know. He was sure though that the team manager knew, given some of the looks he was getting and he had scheduled a meeting with Mark for after practise. Christ the guy was most likely going to dump him, and he sighed, knowing his life was at a pivotal stage, and that it was most likely going to get a damn sight harder before it got any easier.

He leaned back in the luxurious leather chair and thought about it as he waited for the lawyer to make into the room. Was he prepared for the consequences if he did proceed? Was he really ready to come ‘out’ to the team and suffer the ridicule and taunts of not just his team-mates but the fans too? What about Justin, how would he take the news considering that he most likely wouldn’t be there to try and ease his pain of discovery, what would he do?

It certainly was easy for Ken to tell him to do this, but Ken was out, and Justin wasn’t his son either. He wasn’t the one who was going to have to try and explain it from clear across the country, and that was only assuming he won, if he lost, well there would be no way for him to try and explain it, not unless he wanted to spend time in a Florida jail that is.

Just thinking about Ken was still erotic for him and he could feel the growth in his groin and he became slightly uncomfortable as his mind conjured up the image of his 30-year-old lover. God he was handsome and at 6foot and 159 pounds, he certainly had an abundance of energy that made Mark feel more of a man than all the times he had been with his wife and Justin’s mother Heather. Maybe that was part of the problem for her too, that some guy could actually arouse him more than she ever could? Strange, to be sitting here thinking of all that when all he really wanted was to talk and communicate with his son, but Ken was right, the whole issue of the divorce and custody would become a part of any action to rescind the restraint order, it had to be, otherwise she could just walk into some California court and get herself another one. No, he had to fight the whole divorce agreement and that meant that he would finally have to admit that he was gay to the world, it was no use hiding anymore.

Scott Hackett ”Mr. Pattison? I am Scott Hacket, call me Scott please.”

Mark Patterson ”Uh it’s Patterson, uh Scott.”

Scott ”Oh? Sorry, typo I guess, well, this is an interesting case, how the hell did you get yourself into such a mess?”

Mark ”Huh? I didn’t, I mean, look, I did what my lawyer at the time told me to do, he told me that after things cooled down he could get me visitation and have the restraint order vacated or something or other, I didn’t get myself into this mess, unless you mean that I shouldn’t have trusted the damn lawyer.”

Scott stared at Mark for several seconds as he contemplated the man before him. According to the file, there was no doubt the guy got screwed simply because he was gay, but he needed to be sure that there wasn’t any skeleton’s in Mr. Paterson’s closet. He also needed to make sure that this wasn’t just some fickle decision, that if he was to take this case on, that he had his client’s complete commitment to it. There was nothing worse than having a client who bailed the second things got tough, and judging by what he had read, this was going to be a ball breaker.

Scott ”Don’t like lawyers Mr. Patterson?”

Mark ”Haven’t had much success with those I have come in contact with, no, I suppose I don’t have a high regard for them.”

Scott ”haha, well at least you seem honest, so, you aware of all that might come down on your head if you proceed?”

Mark ”No, no to be honest I really don’t know what to expect, I suppose I might find myself looking for another team to play for, and I suppose my off season job will become full time, but other than that, no I don’t know what else to expect.”

Scott ”Well, not sure if I can accurately comment about your work area, I do know the team owner and don’t believe your job would be in jeopardy there, but I can’t comment on his management staff, just him, and as for your other occupation, well again I don’t know what to say. I think for the most part you can expect some loss in revenue, you might even expect some rather rude comments and such, but then, I think you already know that.”

Mark ”Pretty much, I can handle that.”

Scott ”Can your son?”

The words hit him like a sledge hammer and he leaned into the chair, making the leather stretch a bit and he noticed how narrowed the lawyer’s eyes had become and how sharp too. It was almost as if they were waiting, eager to pounce on him if he made a wrong move or said the wrong thing.

Mark ”My son? How, I mean what does people calling me names have to do with him?”

Scott ”Simple Mr. Patterson, if we go thru with this, one of the issues is custody, and so, the court is going to want to know how you, a gay man, can shield your son from some of those slurs, such as name calling, or such, and believe me, the Judges here aren’t going to pussy foot around that issue, and that is just a minor point, because what about his school mates? How are they going to react to finding out his dad is queer? Will they reject him or worse, ostracize him to the point of physical rejection as well as mental?”

Mark ”Damn! I didn’t think about that, do you really, I mean, he’s clear across the country in California, how are they going to find out?”

Scott ”Well, it might be picked up Mark, after all, it is a hot political issue these days, given the Republican agenda and success at the polls, and well, just the entire climate in the nation. It could very well also be a precedent setting case for us here, because in effect we will be fighting that your civil rights were denied here, that is federal, and it will raise eyebrows.”

Mark ”Shit…I never really thought about that, but Scott, I mean, he is my son, doesn’t he have a right to at least be given my side of the story? Can’t there at least be some way to discuss this with him without going public?”

Scott ”Well, if you want visitation, want the restraining order voided, and adjust the alimony, these are the potential ramifications. Look, this isn’t an easy task, and in effect, you are the bottom of the ladder here, opposing counsel with use everything they can against you, especially your sexual activities, and it won’t be pretty.”

Mark ”Fuck, sorry, but surely that has no bearing on this case does it?”

Scott ”Let’s stop being naïve here, you will be treated worse than some hooker claiming rape would be, everything is going to be levied and I can just see your wife levelling sexual misconduct if not outright abuse at you, that means extensive testing on your son, intensive questioning of a very personal nature, and all without explanation too. No, Mark, there really isn’t any way to do this without paying the price.”

Mark ”I don’t know if I can do that to Justin, I mean, he is only just 16, how can I dump all this on him without him knowing why? There has to be some way, some means we can use to at least let me ask him if he wants me to pursue this, isn’t there?”

Scott ”Well… I suppose there are ways around the order, but they too have risks, huge risks actually, because you could wind up doing jail time, so you need to consider these things carefully.”

Mark ”I can’t do this to him without at least explaining it to him, he has that right to know, look, this isn’t about me, not really, but I love him, he’s my son Scott, I can’t just sit back and be nothing in his life, God, he must already be hating me for not answering his emails or calling, but I can’t, the courts won’t let me, what kind of justice is that?”

Scott ”Justice? Mark if you want justice you may have a long wait, courts are about laws, not justice, sometimes, maybe even more times than not, we do get justice as well, but face reality, the world may say they accept gays and their lifestyle, but in reality you scare the living shit out of them. That is reality.”

Mark held his hands under his chin as he stared down at the rich wooden facing of the large desk. He had so many thoughts running thru his mind he didn’t know which one’s to follow anymore. All he knew deep in his heart was that he couldn’t just let Heather get away with this. He owed Justin at least a chance to understand, and no matter the cost to him, it was what he had to do.

Looking at Scott from his raised brows, he too could see the spark deep inside of his eyes, as he waited for Mark’s answers. The man wasn’t pulling any punches, it would get nasty and very dirty, and he could guarantee that simply by how Heather had already acted. Question for him really was how much had she poisoned Justin already? Was there any chance for him or not and did that even matter?

Mark ”I don’t really care what the cost is Scott, if it means jail time I’ll deal with it then, but I can’t start all this stuff without knowing from Justin what it is he wants, I just can’t throw him to the wolves simply to satisfy some fatherly instinct or to right some civil rights violation, I need to know what he thinks, what he wants, and without his mother’s influence, now how can I do that?”

It was now Scott’s turn to lean back into his own ornate leather chair and contemplate the person before him. He hated these types of cases simply because it usually wound up being a total mess. No one ever really won these cases, and in most instances the kids were scarred for life with no relief in sight for them.

There were also the two main participants to take into account for him. He had seen too many fathers and mothers battle this hard to wind up resenting the child or children involved as it was never a cheap course of action either. Both sides would spend enormous income to try and reach their objective, and then they found themselves economically strapped and blamed it all on the kids. It really wasn’t much of a future, and bottom line, he would get his fee, opposing counsel would get theirs and the kids would spend years in therapy and be worse off than they were now.

Looking at Mark he thought he saw something worth his time, and there was something in the way he insisted on getting Justin’s views first, something about it that struck a chord deep inside of his soul. He shook his head a little as he realized that somehow, this man had reached past all of his barriers and shells to touch him in a place very few could ever reach. He didn’t know if Mark was acting or not, but something inside of him told him that he needed to take this case on.

Scott ”Well… there are ways Mark, but as I said, the risks are huge.”

Mark ”I don’t care, as long as they are my risks and not Justin’s.”

Scott ”Well, in some respects he too would pay the price, I mean getting caught at this could ruin any chances of you gaining any type of custody or visitation rights, and not for a year or two, but until he reaches 21.”

Mark ”At least he’d know I tried Scott, maybe that is all I can do, but he has to decide, if any of this crap is to happen, I can’t just let it, I have to know what he wants, it is his life too.”

Scott ”Yes, but is he able to make such a decision on his own?”

Mark ”He’s a smart boy, he knows what is right and what is wrong, least I think he does. I don’t know if he can, I have to believe that given time he will make the right choice, after all I did have a hand in raising him, he isn’t just her son, he’s mine too.”

Scott hated divorce cases for this very reason. The minor children were always the one’s who suffered the most, and there just wasn’t the mechanism in place for insuring that their rights were protected. In reading the depositions from Mark’s wife, he was sure she was the type to use everything at her disposal to keep Justin away from Mark. What he really needed was to find some way for the kid himself to start action on the order, something he could then join in but how do you get a 16 year old to think of these things?

Scott ”I think our best course of action is going to be to contact your son thru a third party, but before do that, why don’t I nose around a little? See if maybe I can’t find out a few things first.”

Mark ”Okay, how are you going to do that?”

Scott ”Well, I work with a firm down in California, I’ll have them get an investigator out to snoop around, who knows we might get lucky and he can pick up some news that would give us an indication of which way your son is leaning, but that is a long shot.”

Mark ”I can’t go on not knowing, and yet, is it wrong to want to know your son? I mean, for 16 years I was there, took him to Pop Warner football each Saturday and was up with him when he had the flue, how does my being gay now make all that worthless?”

Scott ”It doesn’t, not in the long term, it is just that right now, the courts have gotten very conservative, they don’t look past the homosexual issue, hell even in normal heterosexual divorce cases the father is not really a consideration, it has always been slanted towards the mother.”

Mark ”Doesn’t seem fair to me, but then I guess I know the answer to that as well, okay, so you are going to get some investigator to nose around, what then?”

Scott ”Well, depending on the report, I’d say the next move is to find a way to get your son and you to have a talk, or at least for you to get a sense of what he would like you to do.”

Mark ”I see, and just how do we do that?”

Scott ”Well, that is going to be the tricky part, would be a lot easier if your son simply walked into some child advocacy office and asked for help in contacting you, even if it meant filing against you, least then you could get your day in court, but not many kids know they can even do that, let alone actually go and find a lawyer.”

Mark ”Child advocacy lawyer? Hmmm, but how would that help? I don’t see where you are going with that?”

Scott ”If your son initiated some action to say force you to contact him, or to file some action requesting information on the divorce proceedings, then we could become simply an interested third party and you would get a chance to argue against the restraining order, in fact, the court might reconsider everything about the case if the action is initiated by the minor, after all the concept is that in divorce, it is what is best for the kids that takes precedence, so if the child goes to all that trouble, the court should, in theory, revisit the whole issue, because obviously the best interest part of the decree is not being met. Complicated isn’t it?”

Mark ”I think I see, so if Justin was to go find himself his own lawyer, then all this could be opened in a less her against me atmosphere? Is that what you are saying?”

Scott ”It could be, could still backfire, especially depending on what his reaction is when he finds out you are gay, so that does become a risk. Uh, have you discussed any of this with him before? You know, about gays and that?”

Mark ”Huh? No, no we haven’t, never thought about it actually, I mean he’s a good looking boy, the girls have always been interested and we have had those talks, about safe sex, about respecting a girl, that sort of thing, but about gays? No, guess I should have, but I always told him he needed to respect people, no matter how different they might be, does that count?”

Scott ”I don’t know, let us hope it is enough though.”

Mark ”How long, I mean, well when do you think we’ll have an idea on all this?”

Scott ”Next week, I’ll call the California people right after you leave, and have them get the ball rolling down there.”

Mark ”Thanks, I really don’t want to, well, I’d rather he hate me than I ruin his life because of my pride, he deserves so much, he really is a good kid.”

Scott ”Well, let us take this one step at a time, we’ll do our best, but there are going to be some hard decisions ahead Mark, not just for you either but for your partner too, you should discuss this with him too.”

Mark ”Yeah, guess so, well, thanks, I’ll talk to you next week then.”

Scott ”Yes, as soon as I hear, I’ll call.”

Mark ”Thanks”

Mark left the plush office feeling no better than when he went in. In fact, his stomach felt even worse and he stopped at the washroom to rinse his face and try to calm his twisting and gurgling stomach down. He had known there would be complications, but he hadn’t thought about all that could happen to Justin by him just wanting to be able to talk to him. God, what a wicked world it was it seemed.

Not only was Justin at risk, but also he would have to talk to Ken about all this too, and see where he stood. What if he didn’t want to get involved? Shit, that would certainly tear it for him, losing not only his son but his lover too? Heather would have a field day with it, and he could just imagine what she must be telling Justin at this very minute. How did he ever think that he was in love with a shrew like her? The only good thing about her was that she gave him a son, and now she was doing everything possible to take that away from him.

Walking in a daze to the parking lot, he wondered what Ken would say when he told him all this? Would he back away or would he support him? It was asking a lot too, he knew that, but damn it Justin was his son, he couldn’t just abandon him, could he?  The pain in his heart gave him the answer to that question quickly. NO he couldn’t walk away from this, he had to at least make an effort to reach out to Justin, but the lawyer was right, what if Justin didn’t want him to?

Slamming the car door, he knew that he would have to take it if that was Justin’s choice, but he had to be sure it was his real choice not one poisoned by his mother’s opinion of him or of gays for that matter. Christ, she was so homophobic and he had never noticed it for all those years that they were married. How could he have been so blind, so damn stupid?

It was a typical Florida morning, warm and sunny and yet somehow he felt this chill right down into the very marrow of his bones and he shivered a little as he twisted the key in the ignition. Whatever the weather was, he knew he was in for a bitter cold battle for nothing less than his own dignity, pride, and above all that, for the right to be a father to his own son.

7:49 a.m.   P.S.T.

Detective Carl Reese ”Well? Is he your client?”

Tim Withers leaned against the cold concrete of the hallway corridor and just stared at the tips of his shoes. He felt so empty right now and he knew that Carl was only doing his job, but he made it sound so ordinary when it shouldn’t be that way. How could the murder of any child be classed as ordinary and yet it seemed it no longer had any shock value, and there was just too much of it happening. He shuddered a little as he recalled the bruised face that greeted him this morning only a few short minutes ago. He could feel the coffee in his stomach churning and he really did think he was going to puke.

Tim ”Yeah, it was him.”

Carl ”Shit, I was hoping, sorry Tim, can you give me any details?”

Tim ”Details? Yeah, he was just 15, and his two parents were too busy trying to use him as a pawn that he ran away last week, after our wonderful court system refused to hear his request for emancipation. It isn’t fair Carl, he shouldn’t have to have paid this steep of a price for simply being born to uncaring self centred people who call themselves parents, shit, we license guns, cars, even voting, but parenting, any smock can become one and this is the result.”

Carl listened patiently, knowing that it had to be rough on Tim, after all he had devoted his entire career to protecting kids like the one they had found early this morning. He too felt the rage but after seeing so many of these throw away kids on the morgue slab, well you either sheltered yourself or you went into a dark room, took your service weapon out and splattered your brains all over the wall. He didn’t much care for that option so he tried with all of his will to close off his emotions, but it was a tough job.

Carl ”I have to ask Tim, did you see him since he took off from his mother’s house last week?”

Tim ”Huh? Oh, no, no I didn’t, he called the office the other day, said he’d call back but he never did Carl, damn it, why does this happen? Don’t people have any sense anymore?”

Carl ”Its not a nice world for kids out there Tim, you know that, but we do our best, really we do.”

Tim looked up from the floor to stare at the homicide detective who had called him just after 6am to tell him they may have found his missing client. When he heard the news he had simply sat up in bed and held his head in his hands and cried like a baby. He had grabbed a hasty coffee after a rather unrefreshing shower and he knew that he should be doing more, but he was numb from the shock.

Staring at the face of the weathered police office he could see that despite all of his efforts, the officer was feeling the same way he was, which was rotten, disgusted, and helpless. If even the police with all there resources couldn’t protect the kids out there, what hope was there for the next generation?

Tim ”I know Carl, it is just, I guess I am just feeling like I should have done better for him, all he wanted was to stop being put in the middle between two adults, who really should have known better, they really aren’t bad people I guess, now they have no son left, and I hate losing that way Carl.”

Carl ”I know, it is worse when they are just kids, uh, Tim, did he say anything to you? Did he tell you where he was hanging out or if he had met someone, anything we could look into?”

Tim ”No, I wish he had, his Mother was complaining that he was spending too much time on the Internet though, maybe there is something on his computer that could help?”

Carl ”Yeah, well, thanks for coming down Tim, we, I mean, well, the mother was just too hysterical and we couldn’t find the father.”

Tim ”No, he’s in Seattle at some convention, uh Carl, this is like that one in the papers isn’t it?”

Carl ”Yeah, it is.”

Tim ”Fuck, what does that make it then? Is this the third or fourth case linked to him?”

Carl ”Fifth actually, there was another one few weeks back, but the method of death, the location of the body, yeah it all fits in with the same guy, the papers have dubbed him the ‘Net Killer’ because he seems to select his victims from teen chat rooms.”

Tim ”Shit, even that safe harbour has vanished, when did the world become so cruel Carl? I never remembered it that way when I was a kid, hell the worse I have to fear was getting into a fist fight, today it’s a running gun battle, where did we go wrong?”

Carl had no answers for the young 42-year-old lawyer and he just shook his own head as they parted. He to go get a search warrant to get the boy’s computer and hopefully after forensics got thru with it, they might have a clue as to who the monster was that had snuffed out this young fifteen year olds life so violently. He hated his job at times, this was one of those times and he could feel his ulcers starting up and he knew this was going to be a rotten day.