Chapter 3

Lunch

The worst part about school was lunch. It was always at lunch that you could tell who were the geeks and outcasts and who were the cool kids. It was like everyone just simply migrated to their spot, no interaction, and no association other than the accepted members of your group. He could see how the pecking order was; he always was off to the side, never at or even near the in crowd. In many ways that had its advantages too, because you generally got left alone, except on days like this.

He didn’t mind helping, hell it was kind of neat to think that some adult actually believed he had some abilities, and he did like English, but now that was going to get him into trouble. The English teacher Mr. Twiller needed to see a study schedule for Tyler and it was up to him, Zack to get it and see it was in his office before the end of the day. That meant he had to find Tyler at lunch, now, and talk to him, which meant he had to cross no man’s land and run the gauntlet to the centre of the lunch area.

There was no way for him to see if Tyler was even there, with the jocks and other ‘cool’ kids, so he trudged in, feeling the stares as he weaved in an out of the mass of kids standing, socializing. They weren’t really any different than him, so he couldn’t understand why he was always out on the fringe. Okay, he was shy and didn’t do a lot of talking, and sport sure wasn’t his thing but why should that make him an outcast? Why should he be excluded from party invitations or other events?

Zack kept his head down and wove his way thru the mass of young bodies, sometimes mumbling ‘excuse me’ as he jostled someone and yet all he got was glaring stares. No one said hello, no one really said anything to him as if they were afraid they would lose their own status if they did. Damn, school wasn’t the place he thought it would be. Sure was different than grade school but maybe even that was changing now too? Christ, if the world was like this, he really wasn’t too sure if he’d like being an adult anymore than a teenager.

Finally he made his way to where he had expected Tyler to be only to find himself staring into Brian Kozak’s angry face. Shit, he knew he was in for a hassle but as he focused he relaxed a little because he saw Justin standing next to Brian. At least with Justin there he might be safe, after all he did come to his rescue last night, and Justin seemed like a nice enough guy. It had been kind of nice to have someone to actually talk with, other than Shawn.

Brian ”Hey, what are you doing here? Lost again?”

Zack ”Uh, no, is Tyler around?”

Brian ”Can’t you see he isn’t? What do you want?”

He never did understand it, there was something about Trailer that he just couldn’t stand, and it pissed him off that Tyler seemed okay with him hanging around even. It had to be cause his girlfriend was friends with the little twerp since kindergarten, but still, why should he have to have him hanging around?

Zack ”Uh, I need to talk to Tyler, Mr. Twiller needs something from him”

Shit, he didn’t need to explain this to Brian, and besides, if he did Tyler might get pissed at him, and that was all he needed.

Brian ”OH? So you Twiller’s little errand boy are you? Haha, figures a dweep like you would be.”

Zack ”I am not, uh, I don’t want any trouble, okay? Can you tell me where Tyler is? Please?”

God listen to him begging? What the fuck was wrong with him, he should tell the pompous bag of wind to fuck himself, but then he really wasn’t into getting the shit kicked out of him either, so guess he really had no choice, but why was Justin just staring at him, the way he was looking it was almost as if he was scared I’d ask him for help or something

Brian ”Oh how polite, isn’t that sweet? Your mommy teach you that?”

The sneer on his face only made him look ugly to Zack but he could see the anger and even hatred in his eyes, which bothered him immensely. He hadn’t a clue why Brian was always picking on him, or giving him a rough time in the hallways. He never did anything to provoke it, least not intentionally.

Zack ”Geez Brian, what did I ever do to you?” Brian ”God I can’t stand people who whine, go on dweep,

get out of here, you are bugging me.”

Brian reached out with one hand and pushed at Zack, forcing him back and almost making him fall into someone. He could feel the group starting to tense up, waiting for an entertaining fight possibly, and one he knew he would never win and besides, he really didn’t want to give in to Brian.

Zack ”I have to find Tyler.”

Fuck I want to just punch his ugly fucking face, but I want to get out of here alive too, damn it, why aren’t you helping Justin? Look at him, he’s staring at me from under his eyes, but he won’t help, no one here will, and Brian is too strong for me to tackle. Fuck, I hate school at times, and I hate smart assed Brian Kozak.

Brian ”Shit, I told you to move, he isn’t here dip stick, now fuck off”

Brian had moved to stand right up to Zack’s body. He was standing toe to toe with him and his breath was filling Zack’s nostrils with the onion and some other smell obviously from his sandwich. His hands were by his side, clenched as if waiting for Zack to react, to give him an excuse to start wailing on him.

The crowd of students were all standing up watching the scene. Some were laughing and egging Brian on, telling him to teach the jerk a lesson, others were deriding Zack, calling him nerd and dweep, teacher’s pet and other names, but none were defending him. All were looking on, as if they were watching some mindless television show.

Zack ”Well, at least tell him I need to see him… please.”

Brian ”Fuck you, I am not a messenger service for a little shit like you, now bugger off already, you are really getting on my nerves Trailer, now move it or I’ll move you myself”

Brian could feel the crowd behind him; he could see that no one was going to step in and it only made him bolder. He never liked Zack and he hated the way Tyler stood up for him, but Tyler wasn’t here so Zack became fair game to him. His nostrils flared and his eyes were staring hard at Zack, almost as if they were willing him to fight back, daring him to respond physically and he was ready. His hands were clenched tightly at his side, one hand even tapping the side of his upper leg as he waited for Zack to lose his temper.

Zack ”Shit, come on, leave me alone.”

He was biting his lip and it hurt but nothing hurt as much as standing there among kids he had known for a long time, kids who he had gone to birthday parties with when they were younger, and now they all stood around, trying to figure how long he would stay standing once the fighting started. Damn them, no fucking way was he going to give them that kind of satisfaction, and while every part of him wanted to strike out, to smash his own clenched fist into Brian’s face, somehow he managed to find the strength to hold still.

Brian ”Hey, don’t smart mouth me puke breath, get out of here”

Brian could see that Zack was holding back, that he wasn’t going to fight and he got a large smirk on his face, as he knew he had won. Once more he had proven that he was the superior person, but he wanted more, he wanted to feel Zack’s flesh against the hard skin of his knuckle but he wasn’t stupid enough to strike first. Instead he shot his one hand out, a strong stiff arm like move up against the lower shoulder of Zack that made him almost turn around and did make him stumble backwards a few more steps. He didn’t back off either; he followed his push by moving forward so that he was still right in Zack’s face.

Justin ”Uh, hey cool down man.”

He had seen all this before, and yet as he looked at Zack, he saw the pained expression and he knew that he was the one causing that pain, not Brian’s bullying tactics, but his own inaction. Zack had bailed him out last night and he didn’t rush to his aid now, but he had to know that he couldn’t? Didn’t he? There was no way he could do much, not without relegating himself to the same status as Zack was in, or worse. How could he play next year if the team was against him? He had to consider his own position in the school and Zack should understand that, he had to, he wasn’t stupid, was he?

Brian ”Huh? Hey, why should I? He’s just some dweep, he a friend of yours or something? Cause man if he is, you really gotta choose better friends.”

Justin ”Uh no, we just have classes together, that’s all, just no need to get physical, I mean come on, look at him, he’s a toothpick, you’d hurt him”

Fuck, why did he open his mouth? He couldn’t let Brian get the upper hand on him, but Zack looked so hurt, maybe he could talk to him later, explain it to him so he wouldn’t hate him, but really, he should have known better than to come messing in places that weren’t his turf. There were rules, you had to play the game or get hurt, Zack should know that, after all this was his school, his friends, he should have known. Just because he saved my ass, it doesn’t give him the right to expect I’ll protect him, if Tyler wants to, hey that’s Tyler’s business, not his.

Brian ”So?”

The crowd had gotten interested for a few minutes, and Zack could see some of the kids staring at him and then looking at Justin. Shit, that was all he needed, for them to link them together, then his life would really be miserable so he brought the attention around again to himself.

Zack ”I told you, Twiller sent me to find Tyler, so leave me alone.”

Brian ”Yeah? You and Twiller make a good pair, couple of pussy boys both of you, go on, get out of my sight before I lose my temper”

Zack could feel everyone laughing at him and he dared not look over at Justin. Damn it, he should have known better than to trust in a jock, fuck, and he could have gotten into trouble too last night, if the cops had pressed. Fuck, why didn’t he help him? Shit; what was worse was he could have just kept his damn mouth shut and maybe Brian and Justin would have mixed it up and he might have gotten away, but no, not him, he had to always try to be the friend, and like what was that getting him? Fuck, he really should learn to keep his damn mouth shut.

Tyler ”Hey, what’s going on? Hey Zack, what’s up man? Brian you look like you are gonna blow a gasket or something, what’s going on?”

Tyler had shown up out of nowhere, and he managed to simply part the crowd and stood right off to one side of the two boys. His body was facing Brian’s but at an angle, and his one shoulder covered and masked part of Zack’s body with its bulk. Had Brian decided to swing at him, he would run right into Tyler’s body and so he knew he was safe. For the first time since he began this walk into no man’s land, he relaxed a little, catching his breath and feeling the pain and fear ease a little.

He stared over at Justin, who stood off and watched as he slid out of sight of Tyler and Brian as well. It was almost as if he was trying to hide, as if maybe he actually was feeling ashamed, but then he was most likely just scared of crossing Tyler. Damn this whole fucking mess, where was it written that because you could play some damn sport that you were better than everyone else? Who gave them such power but as he watched Tyler’s stance, the way he was so calm, he knew that it was he and others like him who had given the Brian’s of the world the power. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault but his own.

Brian ”This dweep is getting on my nerves, that’s what, he’s a fucking wusse, running errands for Twiller”

Tyler ”Yeah? Well I remember someone who used to run errands for their middle school principle, so cut him some slack Brian”

Brian ”Shit, Fuck Tyler, why do you always stick up for him? That Sheryl sure has you tamed.”

Tyler ”Hey, Brian, cool it man, and leave Sheryl out of this, she’s nice.” Brian ”Well, if you say so man, you are lucky Trailer, damn fucking lucky.”

Tyler ”Oh shut up Brian, so, what are you doing in no man’s land Zack?”

Zack ”Uh, Mr. Twiller needs a schedule from you, for that uh, that extra stuff he wants you to do, said I was to get it and uh, have it on his desk by the last period”

Tyler ”Oh? Shit, well come on, we’ll go over by the parking lot, and I’ll write it out for you, see you guys later”

It was like a King had spoken or something, the way everyone just seemed to back away and go back to whatever it was they were doing before Brian started his shit. Damn, how did Tyler handle all that and not act like a jerk? He really didn’t understand Tyler at all, the guy was not only drop dead gorgeous, but he was nice too. He had talent, man could he toss a football and he was also a damn good baseball player too, and yet none of that seemed to phase him. He was never really a jerk to anyone, and maybe that was why he found himself always stuttering a little when around Tyler. He was in awe of him, but it was also more than that.

If he ever let it out, he would be dead meat. He had a secret crush on Tyler, at least he thought he did and while he liked to draw and doodle, his favourite hobby was drawing Tyler, imagining him with his shirt off, or better, with everything off. He had a whole note book full… FUCK!

As he walked and dreamed, it hit him suddenly. The book. He had on his desk a binder that was almost identical to the homework one, and in it were several pictures he had drawn of Tyler, pictures that were accurate in most details, but less so in others simply because he had filled in the missing pieces with his own vision of them. Christ, what if Justin had seen those pictures? Fuck, would he tell Tyler? Was that why he didn’t help him? Oh Christ, Justin knew about him and his fantasy, but he didn’t know it was a fantasy, shit; he might actually, oh Christ, what if he thought those drawings were 100% accurate?

Panic was ripping at his chest as Tyler tried to talk to him; but all he could do was nod or gulp as he kept looking back at the crowd, wondering if Justin would dare say anything? If he did, he would get Tyler into no end of trouble, he’d have to admit that it wasn’t really Tyler, he would still never be able to come back to this school, and his parents. Christ they would hate him, they’d all know about his secret but then, if Justin did tell, he’d have to explain how he knew.

Maybe there was still hope for him? Maybe, just maybe if he didn’t panic too much, he could scrape out of this whole thing. He’d have to find a way to tell Justin that those really weren’t of Tyler, but then what if Justin hadn’t seen the damn binder or looked inside? Fuck, how the hell could he then, shit, this was too much and he could feel himself getting close to hyperventilating.

Tyler ”Hey you okay man?”

Zack ”Huh? Uh, yeah, I am fine.” Tyler ”Shit you don’t look it, Brian is a jerk, don’t let him

get to you.”

Zack ”Yeah, kind of hard to ignore when he’s in your face though.”

Tyler ”I know, maybe you should have left, instead of sticking around?”

Zack ”I had to get this info, I mean, both of us would have been in shit if I didn’t, so…”

Tyler ”Yeah, Twiller can be a stickler at times, sorry you got into this mess, and for not saying what Twiller wanted either.”

Zack ”No one’s business, you would do the same.”

Tyler ”I doubt it, look, maybe I can help you though, if you want?”

Zack ”Help me? Do what?”

Tyler ”Well, you are a bit puny Zack, maybe you could bulk up a little, might help your image a little.”

Zack ”I suppose, but, working out? I don’t know, kind of boring when you do it alone, and besides some of it don’t you need a spotter or something?”

Tyler ”Well yeah, for free weights, but you could maybe join a gym?”

Zack ”Yeah, I suppose, I don’t know, I’ll think about it.” Tyler ”Yeah? Cool, of course if you wanted, I mean I could work out with you a little, I mean if we set this tutor schedule up right, maybe I could manage some extra time at your place, you have a weight set?”

Zack ”Huh? You work out with me? I, I mean, uh, I don’t know, I think we have some… you really would do that?”

Tyler ”Well what’s one more secret, huh?”

Zack ”Yeah, what’s one more, uh, well, are you sure? I mean, I don’t know the first thing about it, and well, I mean, I don’t want to waste your time, but, uh, well…”

Tyler ”Cool, look you check and see what you have at home, when I come over tomorrow after practise, we’ll give it a shot, okay?”

Zack ”Uh, yeah, sure, that’s super Tyler, I mean…”

Tyler ”Cool, okay, you got all the times down? Good, I gotta split, so I’ll see you tomorrow at 6, your house? We’ll get you pumped in no time, haha, later man”

Zack was totally speechless as Tyler loped off back to the main lunch area and he just stood there, watching the perfect body moving up the grassy slope effortlessly. God, the way Tyler moved was pure poetry, at least so he thought and he just stood there, the paper rustling in the small breeze as his mind leapt to a thousand wild scenario’s, none of which would ever happen, that was certain, but damn it was nice to dream that it might, even for a few seconds.

It was because of Tyler that he didn’t press his folks to get him into some other school. Well that wasn’t true really, he was smart enough to know that it really wouldn’t matter which school he attended, he just wasn’t going to be one of the popular kids or one of the in group. It wasn’t fair and yet, there really wasn’t much he could do about it. The idea of suddenly bulking up didn’t really appeal to him either, but the chance to please Tyler, and now the chance to just be able to spend time with him, that would be worth any amount of pain.

For just a few minutes he was able to stand there and revel in the idea of being normal, of not being an outcast or some dweep that everyone would pick on. He was smart enough to know that it wouldn’t be the muscles that would get him accepted, that it would be superficial acceptance at best and would be solely because of his association with Tyler. He didn’t know if that was for him either, to be no different than say Justin?

Just the thought of Justin made his dream vanish in a second. Once more he was back down to earth, to the real world and he could feel the fear eating away at his flesh and tearing apart his insides. Acid flowed up and down his throat as he felt the throb in his groin cease and reality set in. He had no idea what to do, and part of him hoped that he wouldn’t have to do anything, but another part was laughing at that notion. If he could fuck it up, he would, that was the one certainty of his life, least his high school life.

9 pm

His homework was finished and he sat at the computer screen, surfing and just trying to figure out why he was feeling like he wanted to throw up all the time. He didn’t eat much at dinner and even his uncaring shrew of a mother seemed to notice, but not for long. Her constant phone calls to some ditzy friend took her away as usual so he was at least spared her phony ‘what is wrong sugar’ routine.

God, how he hated everything about her, the way she dressed up like some trailer trash hooker, which only proved how right his dad was for leaving her. The only trouble was, he didn’t take him, and he didn’t know what he had done to make his dad leave him behind. He really wished he could just pack up and leave but he had nowhere to go, no one who would take him in.

School wasn’t any better as he clicked around and finally logged into the chat room, hoping he would find one of his online friends. He sat on the side and listened to Toby9 talking with some geek and he could tell that Toby9 was really playing the guy too. Most likely it was some old fart masquerading as a teenager trying to get his jollies. Well he didn’t really care too much about that, as long as they left him alone.

As he waited, he could see Zack’s face again and he knew why he was feeling like shit tonight. He wasn’t proud of his actions, he should have done more than say a few crummy words to Brian, after all Zack saved him from the cops and worse, another dumb ass lecture from good old mom, the Queen of Lectures herself. It wasn’t like they even made sense, they just made her think she was a good ‘mom’ but it took more than some stupid words to make a person a mother.

His dad was different, at least he would listen to his explanation, then he would discuss them and hell, sometimes he even agreed with him and so why had he left him? Why hadn’t he tried harder to get custody of him? It was almost as if he had simply surrendered, wiped his hands of him and his mother, and he knew she caused it, but why did he have to suffer for it? Why couldn’t his dad see that and rescue him?

The screen blinked and he saw that Leftout16 had entered the chat room and was sending him a private ‘Instant Message’, which was cool. He liked talking to the guy, ‘Leftout16′ understood what he was feeling, and he could relate which made it easier. Maybe he’d have an idea of what he should do about Zack too, maybe he was making too big of a deal about that, but shit, he did kind of like Zack, even if he was different.

‘Toby9′ had left so he switched off the private ‘Instant Message’ and they began to talk in the chat room. It wasn’t like he wouldn’t know if someone else came in, and besides, no one knew who he was so it didn’t really matter.

‘Leftout16′ “you sound kind of down man, what’s

happening?” ‘Fedup16′ “fucked day at school, and man you wouldn’t believe last night either.”

‘Leftout16′ “Tell me about it, what happened last night?”

‘Fedup16′ “Shit almost got picked up by the pigs man, had me shitting bricks too.” ‘Leftout16′ “Fuck, no shit?”

‘Fedup16′ “Yeah, I was out jogging, trying to clear the head, and I guess they thought I was some punk up to rip off houses or something”

‘Leftout16′ “Fuck, what time man? Must have been late”

‘Fedup16′ “Yeah was, around midnight I think”

‘Leftout16′ “So how’d you get out of it? You run? I know you are fast, but them pigs can surprise you”

‘Fedup16′ “No, guy I know at school lived right where they stopped me, he conned them into thinking I was coming to visit him”

‘Leftout16′ “Yeah? Hey that’s pretty cool, wow, I’d never luck out like that, me, they’d toss in jail or something.”

‘Fedup16′ “I thought they were going to do that to me too, man it freaked me.”

‘Leftout16′ “So? What happened? You hang out at his place then head home?”

‘Fedup16′ “Fuck no, they hung around down the block, kept coming back too, it was like they were waiting on me, guess they didn’t really buy the story, so I crashed there.”

‘Leftout16′ “Hey that’s cool, see, told you that you’d make friends there, cool man, so is he a jock too?”

‘Fedup16′ “No, would have been better if he was, he’s one of them.”

** Timid69 has entered the chat room **

‘Leftout16′ “One of what? Don’t tell me he’s some dweep?”

‘Timid69′ “Hey”

‘Fedup16′ “Yeah I guess in a way he is, hey Timid, but no, I think he’s queer man.”

‘Leftout16′ “Yeah? Why, he make at a pass at you when you crashed there?”

‘Fedup16′ “no, it wasn’t like that man, but he had this book, had all sorts of drawings in it, kind of kinky stuff, all guys too”

‘Timid69′ “Who’s this Fed? Some guy at school?”

‘Fedup16′ “Yeah, saved my ass last night from the cops but I think he’s a fudge packer, I don’t know, maybe I am not being fair, maybe it was just art homework or something.”

‘Leftout16′ “Well, could be, shit doesn’t really matter does it? Not like you hang with the dude, so why worry?”

‘Fedup16′ “I guess, bugs me though, I mean he did save my ass” ‘Leftout16′ “Well maybe he saved it cause he wants to bang it some, you never know with fags, I mean, shit its  okay if that’s your thing man, but”

‘Fedup16′ “I guess, thing is he got into shit at school today, and well, I mean I didn’t help, I should have done something, I mean he almost got the crap kicked out him”

‘Timid69′ “uh, this the same guy who uh saved u from the cops?”

‘Fedup16′ “Yeah, him and one of the guys on the team, they don’t get along, almost got into a real brawl, shit he just stood there too, like a real wusse, I mean, I’d have fought back, but he didn’t, kind of a wimp I guess, just that, well maybe I should have stepped in, you know? I mean hell lefty, he did save my ass last night”

‘Leftout16′ “Yeah, but shit man, you gotta watch it, new school and all, besides, he’s a dweep you said, not like you are going to be jogging by there again, are you?”

‘Fedup16′ “No thanks. Once is enough, no I guess so, but fuck, it doesn’t feel right.”

** Timid60 has left the conversation **

‘Leftout16′ “Shit he sure left in a hurry, wonder what his problem is? Haha”

‘Fedup16′ “Don’t know, so you don’t think I should have jumped in?”

‘Leftout16′ “Hell no, fuck a dweep and maybe a fag too? No way man, they’d have crucified you, you don’t need that kind of shit man.”

‘Fedup16′ “I know, but still, I don’t know man, I feel kind of bad about it, he seemed nice enough.”

‘Leftout16′ “Fuck, you sound like you got the hots for him or something? You ain’t switching stripes are you there bud? Not that I’d care.”

‘Fedup16′ “Yeah? Wouldn’t bug you? Fuck, it kind of freaks me out, gross too”

‘Leftout16′ “Shit no, not really, so, what, you saying you like this guy that way but don’t want to admit it?”

‘Fedup16′ “Fuck no, I never thought about him that way, shit, that is kind of sick, just that, well, I guess if I was one, he’d be okay, but guys don’t get it done for me, least, shit I don’t know anymore, I just feel shitty for not sticking up for him, that’s all”

‘Leftout16′ “Yeah? Well shit man, he’s a dweep, forget him, unless you really are feeling more than that, I’d say forget it.”

‘Fedup16′ “I guess, suppose u are right.”

‘Leftout16′ “I am man, believe me, mind you, well, uh”

‘Fedup16′ “What?”

‘Leftout16′ “I don’t know, just that, well didn’t you ever wonder about IT?”

‘Fedup16′ “IT?” ‘Leftout16′ “Yeah, u know, what it might be like? I mean haven’t u ever porked some pussy and wondered what she was feeling when you slid it in?”

‘Fedup16′ “Haha, yeah, a few times I guess, you think it’s the same when u take it up the ass? Man, that sounds sick”

‘Leftout16′ “Kinda, doesn’t it? I dunno, maybe it is, but I mean, even if it isn’t quite the same, has to be close, don’t u think?”

‘Fedup16′ “Shit I don’t know, I suppose so”
** Toby9 has entered the conversation **
‘Leftout16′ “Yeah well, whatever right? Hey Toby, how’s

it hanging bud?”
‘Toby9′ “Hey guys, not bad what’s happening in here?”
‘Fedup16′ “Nothing much, I was saying night to lefty,

gotta run, thanks lefty, catch u later, cya Toby”
‘Leftout16′ “Cool man, cya later bud”
‘Toby9′ “cya”
** Fedup16 has left the conversation **